To want people to stop mentioning my weightloss?

(46 Posts)

I lost 5 1/2 st from November to July last year and have maintained since then. I have been overweight all my life so I can see it was a shock to a lot of people I know but everyone is still mentioning it all the time!

I love that I can wear mostly what I want but I lost weight to be healthier not thinner iyswim but its like no one else can think of anything else to say to me. I get comments like you're wasting away, have you lost EVEN more weight etc all the time but someone said the other day if we stopped eating cake we'd all look like you and it really got to me. I still eat cake and other stuff I'm just more careful and I am still the same person. Thought after 6 months it wouldn't be such a big deal as I'm very happy blending into the background!

frogspoon Wed 23-Jan-13 23:48:58

They are clearly just jealous!

YANBU, it must be very annoying to have people making comments where they are not wanted/needed.

timidviper Wed 23-Jan-13 23:52:33

I don't know what the solution is but just wanted to sympathise. I am very overweight but trying to lose and don't tell anyone about how I eat or exercise because I get sick of them commenting. Sometimes it is intended as encouragement, sometimes I'm not so sure but it is always a pain in the arse.

SoleSource Wed 23-Jan-13 23:53:04

Yanbu

I wish people wpuldstop being so thick to, asking me how the fuck.I.lost the weight. Ate less,.moved more... Well ok not.thick just gets me angry.

Have you had a gastric? is another..

We cannot.hide our success and I absolutely loathe the compliments.. Its just vile. I do not expect or want them

mummymeister Wed 23-Jan-13 23:59:17

people comment because they think they are being helpful and supportive to you. they want to show that they have noticed that you have changed. in the same way that people would comment if you had a different hair style/colour each time they saw you. over time they will come to realise that the current you minus 5.5 stone is the real you and they will stop commenting i am certain. dont get cross about it, just shrug - todays newspaper, tomorrows chip paper if you see what i mean.

SoleSource Thu 24-Jan-13 00:00:45

my eating disorder therapist advised to completly.ignore the comments. It is my.body,my choice. Why.should people feel it is ok to commmebt on my.appeatence? Its too.perspnal. My.mental issues do not appreciate my eating disorder beibg flagged up. I want to forget. If I was an anarexic I would be treated with respect..

solittletimeandsomuchtodo Thu 24-Jan-13 00:01:46

I agree I think you should be proud and not to let it bother you. Six months on well done for maintaining.
People probably are super jealous you sound like its clicked for you smile

LanaDelRain Thu 24-Jan-13 00:02:44

I lost weight and was still at the top end of my BMI and got told not to lose anymore and that I looked ill and anorexic.

This was said by good friends too.

SoleSource Thu 24-Jan-13 00:03:19

Disrespectful to comment.

Magicmayhem Thu 24-Jan-13 00:07:42

well done cinnamongreyhound for loosing weight... I will just say that a friend of mine lost 3 stone recently and she looks fabulous... but still wants to loose another stone. I think we get caught up with charts to tell us our ideal weight but they're not necessarily right for everyone... My friend does look older as she's lost a lot of weight from her face but another stone could make her look really drawn... I guess what I'm trying to say is that just listen to them, take it on board, are they trying to tell you that you've lost to much and look older/drawn? ask a good friend what she thinks... and if she says you look great.. then their definately Jealous

oh and by the way... welcome to the slim club where everyone thinks they can comment on your weight...

TuftyFinch Thu 24-Jan-13 00:17:34

Sole if you were an anorexic you wouldn't necessarily be afforded any more respect.

SoleSource Thu 24-Jan-13 00:19:26

More help and sympathy, it appears..

MsVestibule Thu 24-Jan-13 00:26:01

I really can see why this pisses you off, but they are just trying be complimentary! Can you try a jokey "I lost the weight over six months ago, can't you find anything else to talk to me about?!"

And solesource I disagree with your comment about anorexic people being treated with respect; how often do you think they hear comments like "You're just too skinny" and "Why don't you eat some pies?". If I've met somebody who's lost a lot of weight, I might ask them how they did it, meaning did they do SW, WW, Lighter Life etc. I'm not thick, maybe a bit nosey wink.

Can anybody on this thread who has been offended by/is fed up with these comments give a cast iron guarantee that they have never asked an inappropriate question to anybody?

GwennieF Thu 24-Jan-13 00:33:07

Well done on the weightloss!

I might be way off here, but I think people think they are free to make far more comment about your weight if you are slim. Being overweight is seen as a 'bad' thing so people don't mention it as often for fear of being insulting. But if you are skinny people comment freely on your diet and weight because as you're not fat - how could it be hurtful to comment...?

Does that make sense?

WorraLiberty Thu 24-Jan-13 00:37:44

Fuck me I got to the age of 33 with people thinking it was fine to call me a 'skinny bitch' in public because apparently that was a compliment?!?

OP, when people mention your loss I'm sure it'll mostly be in a congratulatory manner.

When people say, "We could all look like you if we stopped eating cake", just shrug because it's neither here nor there to you what they eat is it?

And when people tell you to stop losing weight, their concern can often be misguided but not necessarily fake.

I was saying on here the other week that I picked up a magazine with a photo of a woman who looked 'chubby' to me.

But upon reading the story, it turned out she'd lost something like 10 stone.

Now to me (having never laid eyes on her before) she did look chubby...but to those who knew her as 10 stone heavier...she must have looked decidedly thin.

So sometimes it's more about how people have always been used to seeing you, rather than how thin you actually are...that makes them 'concerned'.

As long as you know you're losing in a healthy way and are happy, just smile and nod.

Thank you all for your comments its good to know I'm not just grumpy!

I have a friend who is very slim and she has always said people feel free to comment in her size where they wouldn't if she were bigger.

I have a small, athletic frame which I have kept well hidden so I don't think I'm too thin just smaller than people thought! I've actually had people say I look younger so don't think it's a warning. I also think people who ask how you did it are genuinely interested as they know its possible or they simply want you to say I sat in front of the tv eating cake and it just fell off wink.

Cortana Thu 24-Jan-13 00:39:49

Well done on your weightloss. Ignore, ignore and ignore. It is your body, you've done what was right for you and everyone should wind their necks in IMHO.

"If I was an anarexic I would be treated with respect.." Not true, attitudes are often dismissive towards the disease and the help isn't easy to get. Just like with being at the other end of the spectrum, two sides of the same coin. Both eating disorders, both difficult to deal with, both greatly misunderstood.

Agreed Gwennie.

SoleSource Thu 24-Jan-13 00:49:51

I would never comment on another persons size. I would never compliment o an anarexic person on their weight gain. That would be disrespectful.

Just ignore the comments, people will get bored eventually.

Sole And an anorexic wouldn't get more sympathy, you would get all the comments you've had about how great you look, how you done it etc then you would start getting them to put the weight on. Horrible and confusing and doesn't help the person with the illness and decent help is really hard to get.

FergusSingsTheBlues Thu 24-Jan-13 01:36:52

Its an enormous achievement! Thats why people go on....and trust me, they shut up after a bit.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Thu 24-Jan-13 02:36:20

I'd like you to say you ate cake in front of the TV and it all fell off grin

I have to say, I don't understand. If I lost 5.5 stone (and I do have it to lose) I'd be thrilled if everyone kept telling me how good I looked and I don't think I'd ever get fed up of it smile

Of course you can rant on here - that's no problem at all, but the only way to stop being upset/annoyed/angry about this is to look at why you feel the way you do. Why exactly does it bother you?

Maybe you could try saying things like 'Yeah, I know how fabulous I look, but if everyone keeps on about it, my head wont fit through the doorway - best people stop I think!!' OR 'I really appreciate that people noticed and it's lovely to know people are pleased for me, but I'd like to put it behind me now, this is the new 'me' and I'd like to just get on with it - do you have any idea how I can make people see that it drags me down when people keep mentioning it??'

manicinsomniac Thu 24-Jan-13 07:45:58

Hmmm, I'm anorexic and it's quite rare for me to get offensive comments. Usually people just keep quiet. And , in general, I think they are pretty sympathetic (as shown by them keeping quiet I guess). Close friends and family are a bit trickier but there's still nothing offensive in anything they might say, just concern. So I think sole has a point.

And OP, I'm sure most people areoun you just want you to feel good. I agonise over whether to tell large people that I've noticed they've lose weight and I think most actually want that validation and to know that their efforts have paid off.

And are you sure you didn't lose the weight to be thinner as well as healthy? Just a small part of you? I can't imagine that you don't feel good when you look at yourself and see the new, small, athletic frame.

TheFallenNinja Thu 24-Jan-13 07:53:36

I lost a fair slug of weight last year and some of my Lear favourite comments were

Your wasting away
You don't want to lose too much
I like a bit of weight on a man
Do overdo it

Now, my judgy y fronts resent these comments and I only saw them as designed to hold me back from my goals, however, I quickly realised that when people have nothing to say, they reach for throwaway comments.

smile

CloudsAndTrees Thu 24-Jan-13 07:54:03

People comment on it because weight is an issue for so many people. If their own weight didn't matter to them, whether they were big, small or whatever, then they wouldn't say anything.

I think you are right that people often want to know how you did it, because let's face it, a huge number of people would love to find a way to be at their ideal weight without having to make too much effort. They are hoping you are going to tell them some magical secret that they can use for themselves. They are probably also pleased for you a lot of the time and just want to say 'well done' because losing weight, and then keeping it off, is hard!

redexpat Thu 24-Jan-13 08:04:48

YANBU. I'm slim. No one EVER mentioned it at school. Since then its seemed to be all anyone can talk about. It has really got me down, so I think I have some idea how you feel. I find people who talk about it really dull, and ultimately it's none of their business.

I think your attitude is bloody marvellous OP.

ICBINEG Thu 24-Jan-13 09:53:41

At xmas my brother muttered something about me wasting away. I have lost 3 stone but am still very much at the overweight side of normal BMI (24ish).

I am sure it was just an awkward way of trying to acknowledge that I had succeeded in achieving something that meant something to me....but it did slightly make me want to slap him.

At work there area few people who I have opened up to about trying to lose weight and a "your looking trim" from them is fine. Any one else gets short shrift.

"You have lost weight" gets "I haven't lost it I know exactly where it is" (keeps them quite long enough to escape).

Anything else gets "I won't get personal if you don't".

ICBINEG Thu 24-Jan-13 09:56:22

Thing is if you do want to compliment someone, you can do it without making it about the weight. You can just you are looking great today or, is that a new outfit? you look great.

Well you can if you have that sort of relationship with the person. Just randomly telling people they look great is also not really on...

piratecat Thu 24-Jan-13 10:00:45

i 'know' you from the MFP thread, and i understand where you are coming from. I guess it's alot to take in for someone who hasn't seen you for a while? Yet i have found that the comments like 'don't go losing any more' are a bit ?? I am truly not small, size 14 bottom, size 12 top. I wonder if it shows in my face so much that any more would make me look gaunt?

Chopstheduck Thu 24-Jan-13 10:04:39

Hi cinnamon! When I read the thread title, I thought you were BU and grumpy, but those comments aren't even really complimentary!

I lost 4 stone a few years ago, and I got some really lovely compliments about how well I looked, which I enjoyed, but no fecking way would I have liked the ones you've said!

You need some witty comebacks!

Lavenderhoney Thu 24-Jan-13 10:06:37

I suppose they might be trying to compliment you but I agree it is rather wearing. I might just smile and change the subject. Any compliments that sound suspiciously back handed, like the cake incident, you could say " did you mean to be so rude"?

Or how about, you're not so bad yourself, been at the gym? You kind of have to change what people think when they see you, ie not the weight loss ( well done) but your interests and hobbies iykwim.

If people normally start their small talk with you about weight, you have to train them not to- get in first with " great to see you, I had an ace time at choir practise last night" or whatever you dosmile Then next time they might ask about that first, if they want to chat.

SpicyPear Thu 24-Jan-13 10:12:01

YANBU. I'm sure it's meant well but compliments based on weight are not a healthy source of self esteem. It's a private matter (albeit publicly visible) and I think we might all be a bit healthier mentally and physically if people didn't feel so free to comment.

Brodicea Thu 24-Jan-13 10:30:57

I went through a horrible divorce a few years back, when my ex left me for another woman, and the stress of it caused me to lose a lot of weight. A woman at work (who had gone on a mad diet and was weight obsessed) told me I was so thin it disgusted her.
In my mental state at the time, it made me feel even worse about myself. It wouldn't be as acceptable to tell someone they were so fat it was disgusting. Some people are so obsessed with weight that they assume you are too, and that everything you do is to spite them in some weird competition.
It really divides people, and especially women.

specialsubject Thu 24-Jan-13 10:44:41

commenting on weight is rude, full stop.

'you've lost a lot of weight' = 'you were fat before' OK, the OP was but no need to point it out!
'you're too thin/too fat' = just plain rude.

'you look nice' or say nothing.

PenelopePipPop Thu 24-Jan-13 10:49:51

Spicypear is so right. It is not just jealousy or spite though. It can be pure ignorance of the issues. I was a 10-12 (and 5'6") and had never dieted or lost or gained much weight until the beginining of last year. Then I lost more than 10kg as a result of taking meds for a serious illness and it was open season. It has taken nearly a year for people to stop telling me how thin I am every time they see me.

It was painful because everytime it came up it reminded me of how ill I was and I just did not want to be reminded all the fucking time. If I gave the true explanation loads of people would ask how to get some of my medication (easy first have a serious head injury...). If I pretended it was intentional weight loss people started telling me I didn't need to lose weight or I'd get the eating disorder fret or the 'are you stressed?' fret (yes by you - go away). Male friends felt they needed to reassure me that men like women with a bit of meat on theitr bones (this may or may not be true but my husband likes me alive and happy as well - he ain't that kinky).

But if I'm honest before this happened to me I can remember saying to people 'You are looking good' meaning 'You have lost weight' or 'You haven't put on weight in pregnancy' as if that was somehow better than putting on weight or indeed any of my business.

I don't think I was motivated by spite or jealousy I was just stupid and a lot more prejudiced than I realised.

RooneyMara Thu 24-Jan-13 10:54:12

Yanbu at all. It must feel very intrusive.

As an ex anorexic I can confirm that people do comment, a LOT. Other people don't but look at you with pity/interest, it's hard for them to hide their curiosity and so on.

I hate any sort of comment about my appearance from anyone - especially my mother for some reason. It sends me right back to square one.

lljkk Thu 24-Jan-13 11:01:48

I think folk are hoping to encourage, too, they mean well.

I sympathise because I hate being centre of attention.
It will fade, eventually.

acceptableinthe80s Thu 24-Jan-13 11:02:37

I lost a similar amount of weight once so can sympathize with the constant comments, nice at first but a bit wearing after a while.
The jealous ones will soon start telling you not to lose any more or you'll get too thin! Or your face looks drawn, probably the same people who thought you could do with losing a bit of weight in the first place!
Some people are just sad obsessed with looks/other peoples weight.
It does wane eventually.

AngryTrees Thu 24-Jan-13 11:09:11

Well done on maintaining the weight loss OP: that's the hardest part.

You've got the right attitude with healthier, not thinner. Health is what matters the most. I am very slender but with horrific joint problems that leave me in pain every day: I can't begin to describe how many snide comments I've heard over the years from people that think being slender is so great and that I'm so lucky, "alright for some" blah blah blah. I'd rather be size 14 and not in pain...but you can't really say that to people. They think they're allowed to say what they want because you're slim.

Ragwort Thu 24-Jan-13 11:13:39

I totally understand you; I lost a lot of weight and got really fed up with the comments - I wanted them to see me as a person not fat/thin/whatever. I know people were trying to be complimentary etc but it is just such a personal, emotive subject that I wish they would just keep quiet.

My mother was, I know, proud but even she made the most ridiculous comments like 'not having enough to eat' when she stayed with me hmm.

Fortunately no one said anything when I put it all back on grin.

ButternutSquish Thu 24-Jan-13 12:37:06

I know exactly how you feel! I've lost 125lbs over the past 23 months. I expect people who haven't seen me in ages to comment, that's only natural but it's gets a bit much after a while.

I also get the 'oooh, you don't want to lose anymore' & 'well, your face is looking very thin' comments which is total bollocks tbh! I need to lose at least another 20lbs to put me out of the 'obese' category and into the top end of the 'overweight' category so I'm hardly done an I. I'm currently 14st 1 and would like to get to 11st 7 which would be good for me at 5ft 5 but I daren't say that to anyone. That's another 35lbs

I think it's just seems such alot of weight to them all but if I asked them to be my weight they'd think it was awful! I also think if I'd started at say 15st and wanted to be 11st 7 they'd think that was ok

Fluffy1234 Thu 24-Jan-13 12:48:46

I went from 13 and a half stone to 9 stone in 2011. Absolutely every single person ( even people i didnt know i knew) mentioned it for about 8 months but now only one lady does. I had a friend who lost about 4 stone the year before me and it was amazing to watch her shrink so I don't blame people for commenting. What used to get on my nerves was people asking how I did it, like I had a magic answer or had taken a magic pill. I just said I ate a lot less.

ExpatAl Thu 24-Jan-13 12:56:19

People don't like the self discipline. They thought they could rely on you as the fat one but you changed your life and made them uncomfortable. They will accept it eventually but will probably always view as as the fat one who got thin. A friend of mine who was a heavy drinker cut down massively and got some really rude comments - some were very antagonistic. They still view him several years on as kind of the guy who drinks really heavily but just isn't tonight.

ExpatAl Thu 24-Jan-13 12:57:23

Also some will try to encourage him to drink more and pile the pressure on. You'll probably have people try to give you food.

It genuinely was for health reasons and it took me a while to get used to my new body, I expected to keep the same shape but get smaller. I've gone from a 36G to a 32DD and I now have no waist so different clothes suit me. I think part of it is that my husband preferred me before although he's getting used to it too and pays me a lot of compliments as he knows how I've felt. This along with constant reminders from everyone I see regularly has made it feel negative I suppose. It's really not easy but I've made a decision and have found the strength to stick with it. I'm just not able to be that blunt to people but I find myself rolling my eyes a bit now and I don't want people to stop talking to me! I really appreciate your thoughts, thank you smile

Samu2 Thu 24-Jan-13 13:24:59

I lost five stone recently and I love the compliments, however, it amazes me how many people think it is acceptable to tell me that I am too skinny, how my legs are like sticks and how I looked better when I had more weight on me.

I am in the middle of my healthy range and size 8-10 but I am small built and my legs and arms have always been puny compared to my stomach! I am not anorexic looking in the slightest but some people have tried to pin that on me.

When my sister told me I look better with more weight on me I really really wanted to tell her how much better I think she would look if she lost weight, just to prove a point that it isn't nice for anyone to comment on your body in a negative way.

And then there was my MIL who would happily talk about my weight gain but not once even mentioned my 5 stone weight loss, even when I told her my total loss she never once said well done.

fudgeit Thu 24-Jan-13 13:26:50

on the other hand OP, how would you feel about someone complimenting you about your loss? quite a few people i know have lost a serious amount of weight and whenever i have seen them i can't help but say how happy i am for them. just the once, mind, not every time.

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