to fart in public?

(102 Posts)
FlatsInDagenham Wed 23-Jan-13 15:34:24

I mean when nobody can hear me, such as noisy soft play or when I find myself in a conveniently empty aisle at the supermarket.

Does everyone do this or is it just me?

BabsAndTheRu Wed 23-Jan-13 15:36:02

Everyone does it, sometimes you can't help it, make sure you walk away as quickly as possible so smell can't be blamed on you.

DawnOfTheDee Wed 23-Jan-13 15:37:33

I do it too


mummymeister Wed 23-Jan-13 15:38:59

How could you? and i thought we were all ladies on here as well. Next someone will be telling me that they let their husbands see them naked. I am almost tempted to put biscuit but am far too well mannered for that.

Schooldidi Wed 23-Jan-13 15:39:04

I do it too. If you spend a lot of time in public how can you avoid it? I would explode I think.

I even do it in my classroom blush. Then blame the factory down the road for the bad smell. blush

HecateWhoopass Wed 23-Jan-13 15:40:12

Not intentionally.

With my luck, someone would appear out of nowhere just as I was pushing out the final wet rasp.


I was in the kitchen at work and heard someone in the photocopier room across the corridor let out the most enormous squelchy wet fart. I was tempted to chuck some paper towels in to them, I'm convinced they must have shat themselves.

MrsBertMacklin Wed 23-Jan-13 15:43:19

I remember being in a vile mood once, getting into a car park lift with a really noisy group of people who were extremely reluctant to make room for me. I therefore felt it reasonable to have a little parp, seconds before exiting and leaving them in the lift with my eau de pong.
This is my first post on MN, I'm so proud.

lolaflores Wed 23-Jan-13 15:43:40

It is the exhale of reliefe and little grunt that usually gives me away. oh and the stench that I can be seen running away from. a green haze.

But yes, if they are quiet, chuff away.

lolaflores Wed 23-Jan-13 15:44:21

MrsBert thats the spirit. Welcome to MN and what a corker first go round

littlewhitebag Wed 23-Jan-13 15:44:40

I do it too. My family often sidle up to me in shops and hiss 'was that you?'. If it needs to come out, it needs to come out.

maddening Wed 23-Jan-13 15:45:07

This woman at my old work was known for dropping sbd's and walking off shock

Everyone does it smile

Except another woman also at my old work who insisted that she never ever farted (I don't believe her)

FlatsInDagenham Wed 23-Jan-13 15:45:29

Oh good, glad it's normal. I was just in the baby area of soft play letting off a series of silent guffs and looking around at the other mums n babies innocently, and I thought to myself 'Am I revolting?'

Now I know the answer - yes I am but so is everyone else, so it's all good.

LotsaTuddles Wed 23-Jan-13 15:47:26

Sometimes you just have to. I think if explode if I never farted in public, you just have to make sure you can make a hasty exit. Esp as I'm pg, all I seem to do is fart, in public or not grin

HecateWhoopass Wed 23-Jan-13 15:47:46

That's a very Mumsnet first post, Bert grin I'm proud of you too.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 23-Jan-13 15:50:10

I don't know what it is about the supermarket but often find myself trumping all the way round. Must be the thought of the price at the till making me windy. Blame it on the kids if anyone notices.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 23-Jan-13 15:51:45

I'll know if anyone recognises me from this when they give me a widebearth in tesco.

KenDoddsDadsDog Wed 23-Jan-13 15:54:08

The best ones are the walking along ones , so no one can trace in back to you.

Corygal Wed 23-Jan-13 15:54:59

Who doesn't? One of life's simple joys, surely.

And worth taking the risk of letting slip a cutie ickle poot and finding you have unleashed the endless, ear-splitting blast wave of Dr Death, the Final Fart. Which echoes round the tube station early in the morning, even choking the newspaper man in his kiosk.

I can't go back for weeks.

WorraLiberty Wed 23-Jan-13 15:56:56

I was in Morissons this morning...which incidentally is in Dagenham and right in front of a large block of flats (true fact!)

And the lady next to me silently let one rip and walked off

It put me right off the meatballs I was looking at and I'm sure every fucker thought it was me angry

Booyhoo Wed 23-Jan-13 15:57:50

" I therefore felt it reasonable to have a little parp, seconds before exiting and leaving them in the lift with my eau de pong.
This is my first post on MN, I'm so proud. "


you're going to fit right in here!

I've been known to find some trumped up reason (see what I did there!?) to 'pop outside' to fart in peace.

Tummy cramps just ain't worth it IMHO confused

BabsAndTheRu Wed 23-Jan-13 15:58:41

Worra, they definitely thought it was you.

Booyhoo Wed 23-Jan-13 16:01:17

all through my childhood my mum insisted she had never farted ever. then one night she came home drunk and in her panic to switch the alarm off she was dancing up and down and out came this massive series of rippers! she was mortified and we haven't let her live it down. grin

Hassled Wed 23-Jan-13 16:06:00

My farts are never silent. They never have been - I am not capable of farting silently.

On the plus side, however, they always smell of roses.

KC225 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:17:18

Apparently, the average person makes gassy emissions of up to half a litre around 14 times a day. Some are more fragrant than others and some are more 'vocal' than others.

magimedi Wed 23-Jan-13 17:27:07

Yesterday (SE coast) was a brilliant day for trumpers!!

I farted with impunity ALL day!!

fourfingerkitkat Wed 23-Jan-13 17:33:41

OH and I were out last year for my birthday lunch (first time out together baby free in 2yrs) and during the course of lunch I downed a bottle of wine (classy bird). As I was polishing off my last glass I leant forward and let rip the noisiest fart of my entire life. The woman sitting behind me said "Oh well!!!!" in a very posh tone. The tears were literally blinding me with laughter and my OH looked mortified...

marjproops Wed 23-Jan-13 17:40:32

Can I just say a big THANK U to all these posts? Ive had a rotten day and this has cheered me up I'm doubled up in laughter and DC keeps asking 'why are you laughing at mumsnet?'!

BTW DCs the worst for it, we were in a cafe this morn after an appointement, there were about 10 or so people in there, it was quiet, and she let rip! 3 times! thought it was hilarious, and I had nowhere to hide. tuts of disapproval from 1 old biddy (like she never has).

I seem to let go in bed, as I'm having to put fresh sheets every 3 days now instead of once a week. really pongs in the mornings. old age?

VivaLeBeaver Wed 23-Jan-13 17:45:29

I do it. Especially silent ones in full lifts just before I get out. grin

We frequently have farting contests at work!

Booyhoo Wed 23-Jan-13 17:46:31

what exactly are you 'letting go' of when you are having to change the sheets every 3 days marg? grin

dont you open the windows and air the bed out every morning?

ClippedPhoenix Wed 23-Jan-13 17:50:07

These days I cough and fart, I sneeze and fart, I laugh and fart, It's not my fault grin

At work I blame the children.

MaxPepsi Wed 23-Jan-13 17:50:41

I fart like a man so my DH and DB's tell me.

Therefore if I feel the urge to let rip I always try and do it near a group of men so that they get the blame - as no one beleives something so vile smelling could come from a lady grin

This thread has cheered me up no end as I thought I was quite juvenile about farting but it appears not!

magimedi Wed 23-Jan-13 17:50:49

The older I get the more I fart - certainly age related!

EugenesAxe Wed 23-Jan-13 17:52:02

I do it but I guess not everyone would. Viz has one of my favourite Profanisaurus words to describe the conditions when one can fart without fear of detection - fart blanche.

I just can't bring myself to do it at work. I like my collegues, and I know it would make our office rather unpleasant! blush Usually the first thing I do when I get home is have a good airing. DH says I sound like a gatling gun. grin

One of the benefits of being a nurse - I can fart away to my hearts content at work and nobody notices the smell grin

Punkatheart Wed 23-Jan-13 17:57:42

I was behind an elderly man one day who gave out a wet fart with each step. I was laughing so much - but trying to hide the fact. I nearly trumped myself...

marjproops Wed 23-Jan-13 18:09:53

Oh yes, even opening window for fresh air, airing bed, even tried febreze. no. nothing is trump-proof!

And mine are silent but deadly. ALways feel like I smell farty all the time too!!!! shower/bath every day, and does anyone else, when theyre spraying body spray on themselves go round the back thinking if you fart then it will smell nice????? :/ -might need to namechange after that one!!!!

porridgewithalmondmilk Wed 23-Jan-13 18:14:13

Mine are awful but I just can't hold them in, they seep out. I have Crohn's disease and should probably explain to my colleagues that I really genuinely can't help it but I'm too embarrassed!

MadamFolly Wed 23-Jan-13 18:16:30

I blame the children at work too,I try and wait till the I'm walking down the corridors because then it is UNTRACEABLE.

DP and I do it competitively but we are both quite gassy so it was either that or be awkward all the time.

Porkster Wed 23-Jan-13 18:17:00

I'm bucking the trend here as I would never do it.

If I walk into someone's stink, I find it most offensive.

I always hold them in, but wonder if that's not easy for everyone as my dh and children seem incapable.

I also hold my sneezes in, so maybe I'm just uptight!

katykoo Wed 23-Jan-13 18:26:16

Oh God, how old am I ? 10 ? I am laughing out loud at this thread. Why is farting so funny ? I always do it in Blockbusters, ( it was in video shops in my teens), don' t know why. Love it. Also happy I am not alone. Good old mumsnet.

porridgewithalmondmilk Wed 23-Jan-13 18:27:30

it's when you squat down katy grin

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 18:30:51

I do.
Not much I can do about it in my case though...couldn't keep the trumps in my poor knackered old sphincter if I tried sad
Please please please dont let me get like my mother.
Sometimes she farts with each step she takes sad

hoobnoob Wed 23-Jan-13 18:33:53

Not in public, but one just popped out once whilst my OH was, erm... down there. He was not impressed and refused to do it for a while after that. Oops.

katykoo Wed 23-Jan-13 18:37:48

Oh dear... stop...this is too much, dh just asked me what's so funny, I told him but he doesn't' t get it ! Bending down and walking are hilarious, maybe because they are out of your control?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 23-Jan-13 18:46:20

I love a loud fart, me.
Itry not to do it in work, though, because it cracks me up laughing.

My proud boast is that on a morning after a curry, I can do a little trump on every step when I go downstairs grin

JesusInTheCabbageVan Wed 23-Jan-13 18:55:32

Everyone does it... but that's no consolation when you're out and about and walk into somebody else's fart contrail. Especially when you happen to be breathing through your mouth and you taste it.

I'm in Cardiff and it's a very farty city. Every time I'm in the city centre this happens. My mum even commented on it last time she visited!

FogClearing Wed 23-Jan-13 19:00:12

I had to read your posts out, with all the laughing.

I used to have tummy ache holding them in for years. My ex farted all over the place so I let rip too, I fart anywhere now, it's a relief. I try to not fart in lifts etc though.

I was laughing so much at this I had tears, DD came to see what I was laughing at grin

I have done it in public before, managing to keep them quiet with a massive effort. But once, in the supermarket, I let a loud one off. Sadly, despite me trying to pretend it wasn't me, my traitorous DCs gave it away with their tears of laughter

SecretNutellaFix Wed 23-Jan-13 19:16:20

I work in a place which is frequented by lots of small toddlers whose parents allow the to roam freely.

It has been known that I find an unattended toddler and drop a silent but deadly next to them and as I walk off, Mum or Dad appears and whisks them off for an unexpected nappy change blush

KenDoddsDadsDog Wed 23-Jan-13 19:16:44

Fart Blanche has just nearly choked me laughing

Stonefield Wed 23-Jan-13 19:17:44

Do it in an empty lift just before you get out, brilliant! grin

My best 2 farts ever have both been bedtime ones.
1- DS was sleeping at the side if our bed as his room was being decorated, as I was snuggling down with my arse near the edge I let out a ripper, DS sat bolt upright, fast asleep, shouted 'oh mum' at me then led back down, still asleep.
2 snuggling down again in bed, this time the dog was standing at the side of the bed, DH was walking towards the bedroom, he heard me let out another cheek trembler and saw the dog collapse side ways on to the floor as though his legs has been swept from underneath him.

I'm a farter, in the mornings it's how I talk to DH, he asks questions, I fart!

HousewifeFromHeaven Wed 23-Jan-13 19:24:39

Ooh I was born in the flats near the dagenham morrisons.

FlatsInDagenham Wed 23-Jan-13 19:25:59

I'm a teacher and once coughed and inadvertently farted at the same time in year 11 assembly whilst standing right next to (and I'm talking inches away from) my form class. A quick scan of nearby faces reassured me that my secret was safe - the cough must have covered it. Thank the Lordy lord!

FlatsInDagenham Wed 23-Jan-13 19:30:10

Binky, love how you're keeping a list of best farts - bit like one of those countdown top 100 programmes ...

ThePathanKhansWitch Wed 23-Jan-13 19:44:13

Oh God, the worst ones are the hot ones that stuck in your tights.

Oh and the Sonic Boom that pounds off the loo in the morning.grin

magimedi Wed 23-Jan-13 19:46:39

My local Waitrose has a lift. <evil thoughts>

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 23-Jan-13 19:50:11

Binky Do you have a code? One fart for yes and two farts for no?


Mrsrobertduvall Wed 23-Jan-13 19:50:57

Our Pilates class on a Monday night are always interesting.
16 menopausal women with bad pelvic floors and appalling rectal control.

No more technical than that, my arse uses morse codegrin

EugenesAxe Wed 23-Jan-13 19:53:25

Sitting waiting for DS to fall asleep and I've got cheekache from holding in the guffaw I wanted to expel after reading Sonic Boom.

We met a couple on holiday once, and about 2 days in she sneezed and farted at the same time when we were all sunbathing - you have never seen 4 middle aged people piss themselves laughing so much. I thought i was going to have an anyeurism

farts are funny, they just are

Hegsy Wed 23-Jan-13 19:58:31

Yes I do this to. One of the guys in my work kind of tripped once walking past another girls desk and made a loud fart. To this day he still insists it wasn't a fart but he did it with his mouth intentionally and no way could he fart anyway as he's had a fartsectomy hmm

Posterofapombear Wed 23-Jan-13 19:58:35

I loves a good public fart me!
DD (18 months) also loves a public fart and will lift up her leg, fart, then laugh. Ladylike.

DH has been suffering from wind all day, problem is he's been wearing salopets and a waterproof coat so nothing has had chance to escape, he took his coat off when he came home and nesrly passed out due to sudden release of very noxious gas.

katykoo Wed 23-Jan-13 20:09:19

Curry farts, old man farts, silent but deadly farts, follow through farts, wet farts, no two farts are the same.

florry88 Wed 23-Jan-13 20:12:31

I was stayng at a nurses home in coventry as part of my training, it was an awful place, ( the nurses home not covernty) I sneeked my boyfriend in one weekend ( my husband now!) and I woke up one morning, both of us in a single bed and let out the loudest trump ever. 16 years later we still talk about the coventry poop.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 23-Jan-13 20:18:15

Ok - I feel bold enough to ask, as I appear to be among friends...

Can anyone else walk into an empty bathroom in their house and just know which fecker made that smell?

themindwonders Wed 23-Jan-13 20:18:41

my tummy hurts from laughing so much at this thread

oh and i'm glad i'm not the only one who blames the toddler

Glittertwins Wed 23-Jan-13 20:20:09

Thank you for making my day, I can't stop laughing at these admissions!!

Smellslikecatspee Wed 23-Jan-13 20:20:09

Mrs Bert I applaud you!

I do a great line in SBDs, where as OH tends to be all noise, so I do like to let him take the blame grin

Sallyingforth Wed 23-Jan-13 20:30:25

If he can do it, so can you!

Mrsrobertduvall Wed 23-Jan-13 20:30:27

Has anyone mentioned farting during sex?
I find it gets dh to huury up and get it over with quite quickly.

Trinpy Wed 23-Jan-13 20:31:17

I once tried to let out a quiet fart in a library. Unfortunately it turned out to be very, very loud. Everyone in the reference section (would be the quietest, most grown-up part of the library, wouldn't it? hmm) turned to look at me. They all tried to be polite and pretend it hadn't happened with the exception of one studenty-looking guy who burst out laughing. Mortifying.

marjproops Wed 23-Jan-13 20:34:32

My mum was in hospital once in her bed and the priest came round to give communion. she took communion, and as she went to lie down again she let out a howler, and bless his socks, the priest burst out laughing and asked her when she left hoz would she like to join the church music group in the wind section!!!!
mum was well embarrassed.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Wed 23-Jan-13 20:41:28

OMG I have let rip (laughing) at this thread. I do furtive farts around Tesco making sure no one is behind me and smiling to myself.

Worst thing is I am so uptight about it, a fart cost me a job!

I was working at a very prestigious accountancy firm in London and was having a meeting in one of the partner's offices. I was desperately clenching but to no avail sad. It was silent but so deadly, we just looked at each other and carried on talking. I'd only been there a few days and it would have been a career changing job but I could'nt go back as I was so mortified and thought that the guy would never take me seriously again sad.

florry88 Wed 23-Jan-13 20:50:21

does nayone else have a problem in libraries, ever since I was really small i either need to fart a lot or need a poo, every time I go to a library, seriously!

austenozzy Wed 23-Jan-13 21:04:30

I let one go in Ickworth Park (big national trust place in suffolk) thinking it was just me and the dog - but no, there was a group of walkers right beside me. I couldn't blame the dog as I did that lean-to-one-side-and-slightly-lift-a-leg thing so as not impede the trumping, and it made a much louder sound than even my gluttonous labrador could manage!

MixedClassBaby Wed 23-Jan-13 21:37:54

I once forgot I had a student in detention on the back row of desks in my room when I dropped a very loud one at my desk at the end of the school day. When it dawned on me that he was there I had to leave the room to laugh hysterically with a colleague and then compose myself before going back in and pretending nothing had happened.

2 year old DD laughed and said 'ooh, a duck!'today after she farted, I was so proud!

Schooldidi Wed 23-Jan-13 21:48:50

MixedClass my dd2 (2yo) has a bum duck that follows her around. Whenever anyone farts she shouts 'was that your bum duck?'. I'm raising a classy child grin

BabsAndTheRu Wed 23-Jan-13 21:50:32


Yes, can identify all the different fragrances of my household. Deep joy.

3monkeys3 Wed 23-Jan-13 21:57:06

I try not to, but I am a ridiculously embarrassed about bodily functions sort of person. I never fart in front of my dh either, but do in front of my dc. My dh farts loads - I have been known to announce to people near us that it was him (he thinks this is funny btw) - he does really childish things like farting and then locking ne in the car with the windows up! I remember once we walked up to the church in which we were going to get married in a few weeks and were having a nice, cuddly moment at the gate and he did a huge, smelly fart - ranks amongst one of my favourite moments with him, always makes me giggle when I think about it.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 23-Jan-13 21:58:25

It's a talent that comes in handy when it's necessary to remind the offender about the correct use of the loo brush. grin

3monkeys3 Wed 23-Jan-13 22:01:13

My mother in law has started farting a lot recently! We were at theirs and I made a big fuss about it to ds1, who I thought it was - 'was that you, you stinky thing, say pardon me' (in jovial tone!) and dh told me later that it was mil!

Cortana Wed 23-Jan-13 22:02:00

I was once on the leather couch and DP sat at the computer desk. I let out a big long steady one, leather and farts make awesome noises. DP asked why the dog was growling and went to check on him. Perfect crime.

HoobleDooble Wed 23-Jan-13 22:16:36

I once let out a cheese-cutter in the middle of choir practice in the church hall. It was so loud it took me ages to convince my friend next to me that it wasn't my wooden chair scraping on the floor!

babybarrister Wed 23-Jan-13 22:21:06

DH farted loudly whilst on a conference call at work - people in 3 continents heard it gringrin

NumericalMum Wed 23-Jan-13 22:35:12

Are you on my train OP? <covers nose. Feels faint.>

FlatsInDagenham Wed 23-Jan-13 22:51:51

Oh god Mixed I've forgotten students in my room after school too, then when I've noticed they're there I've desperately tried to remember whether I've done the stinky deed or not. I'm usually pretty guff-tastic at the end of the school day having been holding them all in for 5 lessons straight!

Gintonic Wed 23-Jan-13 22:59:35

I used to work in a bar, and the smoke was the perfect cover for the most noxious of trumps.
Unfortunately the smoking ban put an end to all that.

INeedThatForkOff Wed 23-Jan-13 23:24:37

In my early twenties, whenever I started spending the night with a new boyfriend, I would dread farting in my sleep. It worried me to the point where my stomach would get crampy, so inevitably I would parp, wake myself up, then lie there motionless and mortified, wondering if the lucky man had heard it blush

BadLad Wed 23-Jan-13 23:41:49

"It is a foolish man* who puts good manners before good health"

*delete as appropriate - that's just how I remember the quote.

roastednut Wed 23-Jan-13 23:42:50

Crying laughing at this thread!! I was another one who would dread sleeping over at a new bfs in case it happened during the night (which it always did without fail). That awful heart stopping moment when it wakes you up. grin

thismumismad Thu 24-Jan-13 00:02:41

I am wheezing, I'm laughing so much at this thread, pure joy. Farting tickles me something chronic. At work once a colleague of mine let one rip as she got up from the table, I needed my inhaler after laughing so hard

Smellslikecatspee Thu 24-Jan-13 00:05:38


I love it, I now have, well, OH has a BUM DUCK , I have SBDs

That is just ducking hysterical grin

SaggyOldPregnantCatpuss Thu 24-Jan-13 00:06:55

Oh GOD! Its almost compulsory right now! confused

BadLad Thu 24-Jan-13 00:07:47

So a name change to Smellslikecatshit might be in order.

SaggyOldPregnantCatpuss Thu 24-Jan-13 00:18:51

Nice! Apparently it's a side effect of having a bun in the oven!

Smellslikecatspee Thu 24-Jan-13 00:21:17

Or Smellslikecatspee/duckshit, bit long though? grin

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