to be furious with my DD? I no longer want her living in my house.

(45 Posts)
EndofARainbow Wed 23-Jan-13 03:35:33

My DD(24) is currently doing a higher education college course, she is in her second and final year.

Before that she did two years at a different college and then moved away to uni and promptly gave up after her first year - mainly her boyfriend l(who was also at the same uni) eft her and she came back living at home for the summer (doing nothing but sit in the room on her computer) and then started this course.

I don't even know where to start!

She almost quit this course because her ex boyfriend got back in touch with her and told her he would stay in the army (he wanted to quit after a week) if she would quit her course! She actually considered it. He is away training and would only see her at weekends anyway so what difference does it make to him what she does in the week.

She had made one friend in college, and decided to write a comment moaning about said friend over twitter not thinking the friend would see - but of course she did. Friend who is 19 texts her to say she no longer wants to be friends. My DD then complains that this girl has turned everyone in the class against her when I know for a fact the ex-friend hangs out with a group of girls who are welcoming to my DD too because I've seen the nice Facebook comment they leave her. My DD just likes to play the blame game.

Since then she hasn't really bothered going into college.

Last week she told me that someone had hacked into her bank account and taken all her money (student loan). She then realises that actually this never happened but it was her that spent all the money - on bloody ridiculous stuff like a new guitar, dvds, cds. Now she has no money to get into college!! (she travels by train)

She managed to get into college this week and had a meeting with her tutor to explain the circumstances and apply for an emergency loan. Of course this loan was refused and now she is blaming the college for not giving her more money and then moaning about her attendance.

I can't even speak to her anymore. She thinks I am being unfair.

I really am quite close to kicking her out.

Aibu?

NatashaBee Wed 23-Jan-13 03:42:51

YANBU to want to kick her out. But If you do actually kick her out, where would she go?

deleted203 Wed 23-Jan-13 03:43:20

No, YANBU. She's an adult behaving like a child. Without wishing to be mean, is it a case of you reap what you sow? Is she perhaps spoiled, self centred, childish and whiney because you've let her get away with it for so long? I'd probably be telling her sharply to stop moaning, grow up and sort herself out or she'd be out on her ear.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 23-Jan-13 03:43:42

Obviously, if you no longer want to live with her, you don't have to. But:

None of your examples seem to have anything to do with the relationship between you and her. Does she pay board? Do housework? Keep a civil tongue? Then what on earth is it to do with you if she tweets about one friend to another, or her friends say nice things on Facebook? She's TWENTY FOUR, why are you involved in this at all?

Likewise, I can see why you don't want her to quit her course to follow her ex-boyfriend, but SHE'S TWENTY FOUR.

If her money management skills are so bad that she's also not paying her way in your house, that's worth raising with her. If she's an unpleasant housemate, raise that with her. If you already have, and what's going on behind your post is that you feel she isn't respecting your house, then by all means, "kick her out". But you need to look at the right reasons. Facebook politics and relationship mistakes are her business, and you need to back the hell out of her personal business. SHE'S TWENTY FOUR.

Chottie Wed 23-Jan-13 03:51:53

My goodness, you are really going through it at the moment!

Your daughter sounds very immature, regarding all the different courses she has enrolled on, are they really what she wants to do? or are they something she has just drifted into? If she was really enjoying the course, she would want to attend.

IMO I think she needs a reality check. Does she have any sort of part time work? I realise it's not so easy ATM, but I used to insist that both my children had a job, it focussed their mind wonderfully on their studies and why they needed to complete the course and achieve the qualification. I'm not sure whether your D has ever had a job and has gone back to studying?

I think you need to sit down and sort out some ground rules with her. Could you go out to a neutral place i.e. coffee shop, sit down and really find out what is going on? Explain that student loans are not a freebie to treat herself, but intended to support her during her studies. If she keeps missing college, will she be taken off the course? Can you work out a budget with her?

Is there anyone else who could talk to her? would she listen to her Dad? Hang on in there, I can feel the despair in your post. To end on a more positive note your D is still young, she has time to change her life. I know lots of young people who went through a difficult time and came out the other side ok.

EndofARainbow Wed 23-Jan-13 03:53:20

I'm involved because she wasn't going to college and I asked her why and the whole story came out about some terrible girl turning people against her etc.

Quit her course to follow her ex-boyfriend?? I'm not sure what you mean ... her and her boyfriend broke up left uni and both now live in the same town (they dated before going to uni, went to the same school). After the break up she decided to enrol in this college course, and he decided to go into the army. They then got back together before he left.

He hated it and said he was coming home and not going back after a week. But then said if she quit her college course, he would stay in the army. She went to college during the week, if he was still in the army he would not be able to see her in the week anyway - but still wanted her to quit.

It annoyed me because she actually considered doing it.

She told me about spending all her money - I never asked her to tell me.

EndofARainbow Wed 23-Jan-13 03:55:48

Chottie her dad wants nothing to do with her (we have been divorced for a long time)

He still lives in the same town, but if he sees her he will ignore her. She blames me for that.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 23-Jan-13 04:01:08

Sorry, follow her ex-boyfriend should have been followed the wishes of her ex-boyfriend.

Look, I get that she's making bad life decisions. And of course they're annoying. But she's an adult. She needs to be able to make her own bad decisions. That's what one's early twenties are for. All this about you've seen her friends' comments on her Facebook page is really bizarre to me, given her age.

If her living with you is contingent on her attending her course - especially if you're supporting her - then of course it's reasonable to ask her to leave, given the spurious reasons she's giving for not attending. But if she's a good housemate, pays her way, etc., then what on earth is it to you if Twitter blah blah Facebook blah blah he said she said? You know? Can't you just ask her not to involve you?

Chottie Wed 23-Jan-13 04:03:31

EndofARainbow That is so sad......

Is there anyone else she would listen to? I know your D is 24, but she sounds a very young 24. She is obviously not very happy at the moment, does she know what she wants to do with her life?

MollyMurphy Wed 23-Jan-13 04:22:16

Personally, I would stay out of her personal business entirely and just have a basic framework of expectations: a. You must go to college to live here b. you must have a job and pay some kind of rent c. You must be respectful of the property and clean up after yourself. that's it - anything else I would leave as her issues to deal with as an adult.

I don't see how not talking to her is helpful. the 20s can be hard...lots of newfound decision making and choices about the future. lend an ear, give gentle guidance where possible and hopefully you can have a positive influence and relationship for years to come.

MollyMurphy Wed 23-Jan-13 04:27:00

putting on the kettle and listening to her is not the same as becoming enmeshed in her personal life. Getting upset when she's sharing will not encourage her to come to you - and who else would you prefer she go to for advice but her mum?

Dottiespots Wed 23-Jan-13 04:43:06

Hi....I ageee with Chottie. I understand that you feel like telling her to leave but realistically....where would she go and how would she support herself. It is hard being in your twenties....old enough to be an adult but still young enough to feel like a child. Jobs are not easy to find...its the old need experience to get a job but need a job to get experience. Even though you see her as behaving in victim mode, in her world she is going through "stuff" and to her it is all very real. I have two in their very early twenties and at times I want to get angry with them and tell them that they have no idea but I bite my tongue and just treat them like a friend and try to guide them.

OhMerGerd Wed 23-Jan-13 05:10:48

It is hard isn't it when they take a little longer to grow up and all around you everyone else's of the same age seem to be flying solo. She knows you love her and aren't going to abandon her to the streets, shes secure in her little world, which is why she isn't taking responsibility for her actions and is in fact behaving like she's 14. Secure doesn't mean happy though and it sounds as if she has a pretty low self esteem and has lost her way a bit.
I know you're not just going to leave her to it. But you are going to have to help her along a bit and I'm afraid it's tough love time. 24 means she's had enough goes at the mummy supported learning thing. If she's this lackadaisical about it all is she even going to get a grade or a qualification worth having? She's just delaying the inevitable really and lessening her chances as she will be competing for jobs with younger a level qualified candidates- which is basically where she is.
So if she cant get herself to college and knuckle down ( you probably will have to fork out for her travel for the rest of term) It's off to work she goes. ANY WORK. Get the job pages open, go through with her the jobs she's qualified to do... There are plenty of ads for care assistants, cleaners etc and for someone living with mum with no bills to worry about there is no excuse not to take anything.
Oh and as for the boyfriend thing. Make it clear to both of them that quitting without a job is not an option while she lives with you. If he wants her waiting for him 24/7 he'd better start asking about married quarters as he obviously intends to keep her financially.

ZenNudist Wed 23-Jan-13 07:01:45

It sounds like you've given her too easy a ride for too long and she's become a over-entitled brat. (I'm sorry, it seems like this ends up your fault regardless, the joys of parenting!)

Kicking her out sounds tempting, perhaps just make it clear that she will be out on her ear if she doesn't go to college. Do not give her money to get to college, she can sell her ill-gotten stuff first, them get a job. It will be good for her to realise you can't just mooch of your parents forever. She's 24! She should have finished education and got a job by now. She sounds really immature (not your fault!) and perhaps needs a dose of reality to make her wake up to the fact that she needs to take responsibility for her own actions and stop blaming you, her uni, her friends and boyfriend for everything that's going wrong in her life.

ENormaSnob Wed 23-Jan-13 07:11:37

24 years old? shock

Agree with zen. I presume she is job hunting if she is no longer going to college?

Bearcrumble Wed 23-Jan-13 07:57:47

Listen to OhMaGerd.

Catchingmockingbirds Wed 23-Jan-13 08:12:28

She needs to grow up. I turned 25 last month, I have a DS and another dc on the way. I have my own house, an honours degree and once this LO is born will be getting married and finishing my masters. All my friends are a similar age and none live with their parents, I can't think of anyone I know that would still be sponging off their parents at 24 or acting this immature.

boredSAHMof4 Wed 23-Jan-13 08:21:45

Wrtthe 2 year college course she did first.was it an FE course to get qualifications to go to uni? did she complete that?
I am wondering whether she can't cope with /doesn't want to do a HE course and all tehse things (boyfriend/money/friendships) are a smoke screen to hide that.Did you push her into HE ?Maybe she would be happier with a job

Hyperballad Wed 23-Jan-13 08:27:32

Sounds like her self-esteem is pretty low. Her dad doesn't want her, her mum is furious with her. I don't think its surprising she is having problems with her friends, she probably can't trust/believe that they are true friends.

She is very immature, acting more like 17 than 24 but are there reasons for this?

I feel like a heart to heart is needed, sitting down with her and show a bit of tlc instead of anger and she might open up a bit.

I'd probably spend money on pointless shit too if I felt neither of my parents wanted me, my boyfriend away, fallen out with friends, at least a guitar and a few cd's would make me feel a bit better.

Of course I'm only going on your OP and there could be far more to a back story, but on the face of it I think she sounds rather misunderstood and I think she needs an arm around her shoulders not kicking out.

Mosman Wed 23-Jan-13 08:28:32

This was my yoiunger brother at 24.
Is she actually getting anything out of college ? Did she get good GCSE's and A'Levels because If not she should leave and get on with her life. Set her some goals and some deadlines. I know you won't kick her out because that's not what caring people do but she needs some tough love by the sounds of it.

Hyperballad Wed 23-Jan-13 08:31:46

(btw at 24 I had ran my own business for 2 years, was employing 7 people, own house and had paid my own way since the age of 18, so i don't have my opinion because I'm the same as your daughter!)

Callycat Wed 23-Jan-13 08:34:53

Seriously? When I read your title I thought you were going to say that she was violent, or stealing, or using drugs in your house. What you actually describe is annoying, sure, but not THAT big a deal.

I was a lot like this when I was 19, which is maybe why I'm a bit shocked at your level of fury. Don't write her off over a bit of immaturity: she sounds pretty unsure of herself already. She needs guidance, not you to chuck the towel in.

breathes

boredSAHMof4 Wed 23-Jan-13 08:35:41

well good for you Hyperballad Have a gold star!

marriedinwhite Wed 23-Jan-13 08:36:35

I too think this sounds sad. Why did the boyfriend want her to leave college so much? She's on her third course - does she actually enjoy studying? What are her ultimate aims? She sounds very young for her age and as though she needs emotional and practical support.

Is she perhaps the sort of girl who would be better off at work for a few years - even if it is in M&S or one of the supermarkets. That would give her structure and firm boundaries as well as the socialisation work brings from mixing with people of different ages who have seen a little more of life.

Hyperballad Wed 23-Jan-13 08:50:39

I take it that was sarcasm Bored?

Sorry if that sounded boastful, it really wasn't I just wanted to put my views in perspective.

I'm now a newly single mum, currently living on benefits, I take it you will now take back my gold star Bored?

Callycat Wed 23-Jan-13 08:51:29

I think marriedinwhite is right; she may just not be sure of her direction yet, and a few years at work will clear her mind. It worked for me, anyway.

People mature at different rates: sheesh, I have relatives who still act like this in their 40s. Your daughter still has time to fix things, but if you give up on her you may damage her self-respect permanently.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 23-Jan-13 09:52:43

I think you are over-invested in your adult daughter's day to day life. That's probably because she lives with you. I would say tell her that if she goes to her college and knuckles down to her work then she can stay in your home. If she leaves college then she'll also have to move out as you are not prepared to effectively subsidise her life when she isn't serious about the courses she enrols for.

Whether she's found her direction or not, at 24 she should be able to act responsibly and stop putting the blame elsewhere! She's also got to be very careful about that loan because if she drops out they'll want that money back immediately and will try taking her to court for it voice of experience, paying back my own loan I blew when I was 18 still five years later

pictish Wed 23-Jan-13 10:01:14

She sounds immature.
I was immature at 24 as well....couldn't knuckle down and focus on anything at all. I went from shit job to shit job and was completely irresponsible, even though I had left home at 18. I made the rent, but nothing else, and was constantly chasing my tail and being very very stressed out about having no money, even though it was my own fault because I had spent it on going clubbing and other needless crap.

It wasn't until ds1 came along when I was 26 that I was able to ground myself. I was happy to fuck myself up, but never my child who relied on me.

I'm not suggesting your dd should have a baby (fuck no!) - I'm just saying that it sometimes takes a little longer for some of us to face up to being an adult. Sounds like your dd is winging it and is confused and without focus. Her stupid boyf isn't helping matters either - I don't understand why he wants her to quit her course...he's blackmailing her. What an asshole. The first step she should take is to ditch his sorry arse.

I can understand your frustration.

fromparistoberlin Wed 23-Jan-13 10:02:05

you cant kick hr out, she is having a major slump and has got herself into quite a pickle

bullying bf
mean friends
money problems

the last thing she needs is you kicking her out! I am sure its NOT EASY but try and take a step back here and see if you need to (pay for?) some outside support, or wait till this rides itself out

and agree, say OK get bloody job. a McJob will get her back to school fast I suspect

and when I was 24 I was fucking about, its the new 16 IMO!

MrsHoarder Wed 23-Jan-13 10:14:21

24 isn't the new 16: I'm barely past that and was married with a job then. She does need to start taking responsibility for herself, but probably not being kicked out. Can you ask her for rent, and offer to help her with managing her finances?

She does need a job, she probably also needs to return anything she bought which hasn't been opened yet and ebay some stuff. There is always a way.

And have you discussed thing like controlling relationships, abuse etc with her? Because wanting her to quit her course sounds like an unhealthy relationship to e. Unless of course it is her excuse for quitting.

As for her friends, leave her to it. She's well past the age where you should interfere in her friendships. She's been silly and will have to get through the tough part.

Goldenbear Wed 23-Jan-13 10:54:06

I don't think you should kick her out and I don't think it's anything to do with spoiling her. I think it is a generational thing, children being infantilised a lot longer, you only have to read Mumsnet to get the impression that older teenagers are being treated like young children- parents involvement in their lives is both expected and given. My Dad works with people who have their children still at home in their early 20's and they are frustrated by the situation. However, the job situation is very, very hard compared to when I was leaving university (I'm 35) and employers are exploiting that. Given that is the situation I really would help her get to grips with the situation- she's 24 but you're still her mother and her Father has abandoned her- he sounds like an idiot!

CarnivorousPanda Wed 23-Jan-13 11:02:52

She does sound very immature. She also sounds very unhappy. For her father to reject her so completely is appalling.

Again, can you talk to her about this somewhere neutral and tell her how worried you are. Do you think she would see a counsellor?

you must be at the end of your tether, but i think asking her to leave when she is in this vulnerable state could backfire.

Agree she needs a job -problem is, not many about.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 23-Jan-13 11:10:00

In my opinion she's made a commitment to her college course and she should see it through. Everyone is entitled to make a mistake but this is not the first course that she's dropped out of. The jobs market is very bad anyway but will be a whole lot worse if her adult life's experience is summed up as "quit 3 courses, no work experience". I would expect her to attend college as a condition of living in my home, except perhaps if she does get offered a full time job.

Tryharder Wed 23-Jan-13 11:12:36

Your poor DD. I was very immature in my 20s so can sympathised. I had more responsibility than she has but times were different then.

I disagree with posters who are advising you to let her make her own mistakes. At that age, it would have helped me if my parents had sat me down and basically told me what to do. I ended up making shocking mistakes in my 20s which impacted my life very negatively. I know some lucky people are very, very 'sorted' from an early age as can be seen by some of the examples on here but a lot of people flounder through the 20s.

Incidentally, my DH is West African and in his country, people are classed as 'youths' to be helped and advised well into their 30s. It's only here where you are seen as an adult the day after your 18th birthday and thus left to your own devices.

OhMerGerd Wed 23-Jan-13 22:31:37

["Incidentally, my DH is West African and in his country, people are classed as 'youths' to be helped and advised well into their 30s. It's only here where you are seen as an adult the day after your 18th birthday and thus left to your own devices."]

I like this from tryharder.

Chottie Thu 24-Jan-13 04:07:44

Tryharder I like the 'youth / West African' view too. It sounds so caring and supportive. Going slightly off post and thinking about it, my parents were always around to me advice and help (although I was an adult, married at 19, two DC by the time I was 25). And I try to be available in the same way for my DC.

OP I hope you come back and respond to the views of the MNters.

MusicalEndorphins Thu 24-Jan-13 09:39:29

She needs your guidance. They can drive you bonkers at times, but I would not kick her out. She'd have to do something productive with her time though, if not school then work. If you really do want her out, then give her some notice.
Good luck.

Lavenderhoney Thu 24-Jan-13 09:50:42

Sounds to me that higher education is not what she really wants. What is she really interested in? The old adage of think what you like doing and make a job of it might help. Even if it's ironing? Plenty of well paid hourly work for a good cleaner, and you can build a business out of it. I do nt suggest yet another course. What does she like doing? Could she go to car boots and sell forward on eBay? Is she creative and make jewellery? Does she like water sports and could get a job helping then see what comes up? She might have to set a goal of non paid to get in then paid work after 3 months. Plenty of bar jobs or waitressing in the evening to get some cash and pay the bills.

Stay out of the mates stuff- its taking up space in her thinking where she shold be thinking of where she wants to go. She is worrying about that as an escape from reality of her situation.

A really nice book is " what colour is my parachute" - do it together and see what happenssmile

Don't kick her out- she needs you.

Nanny0gg Thu 24-Jan-13 11:20:22

Does anyone in her life want this poor girl?
Doesn't seem like it...

HungryHippo89 Thu 24-Jan-13 13:03:54

Why does somebody always have to suggest a counsellor ...
Further Education is obviously not the way forward for her as she can't make her mind up about what course to do. While she is still at home she should take advantage of the fact and go and be an apprentice and earn while she learns. Or just get a job like the majority of 24 year olds.
I have lived in my own house since I was 18 - I am now 23. I do everything for myself - Maybe you are making it to much of an easy ride for her and i don't think she will appreciate you for it when she gets into the real world.
As for that boyfriend of hers - He sounds like a cock. And maybe she would do best to forget about him as he clearly doesn't want her to make anything of her self. What a prick.
Bit of tough love is what I think is needed here.

Angelfootprints Thu 24-Jan-13 13:42:46

What direction are you giving her then op? Have you sat down with an action plan?

Gone for a coffee to pass on your advice and have a heart to heart?

Told her you love her unconditionally?

Told her you believe in her and see the potential?

Goldenbear Thu 24-Jan-13 18:45:27

I disagree with the 'tough love' stance, doesn't sound like you are exactly doing much to help her out of this rut now, I would imagine this would make her feel more isolated and more stuck. Give her some guidance rather than getting frustrated with her.

My Mum and Dad have both made life easier for me than it had to be and I can't say it's been a disadvantage atall. I don't believe helping your adult children has anything to do with preparation for 'real life'.

KitchenandJumble Thu 24-Jan-13 19:27:51

I don't actually see why she shouldn't be living on her own. She's 24, not 14. She may mature tremendously once she is taking responsibility for herself. If she quits her course, I would certainly tell her that I couldn't continue to support her financially. I would encourage her to find a job and a living arrangement that she can afford. Obviously, she may need a bit of time to do that, given economic conditions, the need to save for a deposit, etc. But I would probably sit down with her and set a deadline for when she will move out.

If you decide to let her stay with you, I'd also set some ground rules. I'd tell her that she must make a good faith effort to find a part-time job if she remains in education. And then she must contribute financially to the household. I would also insist she take on her fair share of the housework. And I don't mean what I'd expect of a teenager (i.e., keep your room tidy, empty the dishwasher, etc.). I mean that as an adult, she should be responsible for fully half the household chores, if she is one of two adults living in the house.

I would also step back completely from any involvement in her friendships, Facebook, Twitter. That side of things should be her own concern, not yours.

Are you worried about her? Does she seem to lack motivation? Does she suffer from low self-esteem? Her father sounds like an absolute ass. I can imagine that might have affected her very negatively. But I don't think that allowing her to behave like an aimless teenager is doing her any favours. Self-esteem grows from our accomplishments, so I'd encourage her to accomplish things, finish her course, begin a career, take responsibility for herself.

juneybean Thu 24-Jan-13 19:53:45

Didn't realise we had to be living on our own as soon as we became adults.

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