to purposely not invite this girl?

(136 Posts)
LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:40:06

Whilst I was at uni I lived with 5 girls, there are 4 of us that still live in the same city. We all got on really well and it was like living with sisters.

One of the girl (who I was originally closest to as we went to college together and did the same course) the last year of uni would be a bit of a flake. We would organise a house night out and she would be up for it, but when it came to it she would make an excuse, we would go to the cinema regularly (Wednesday 2for1 with student pricing it would only cost £2) and not once did she come with us.

On the last week before we moved out she had persuaded me to go to the end of uni party (tickets cost £40), on the day she cancelled on me and so I didn't end up going. She had family problems.

I told her it was completely fine (although I was a bit upset), she then asked if I wanted to go out for lunch during the week as she was back in the house to pack up all her things to move home. I said I would love to but couldn't do the Monday or Tuesday but any of the other three days I would.

She never text me back and then wrote a group email on the Monday saying she has packed all her things up and wouldn't be going to the house again.

She also went on holiday for a week after she cancelled on the party because of family problems.

It really was the final straw to me.

I have since organised a meal (6 months later) with the girls in the house (apart from the one who doesn't live in the city) but I didn't bother to invite this girl. I heard through one of the girls afterwards that she had asked them if she had done something to offend them because she hadn't been invited.

I am now organising another dinner and have no plans to invite her. I have said to the other girls if they would like to invite her then I'm fine with that, but personally I'm not going to.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to make effort with people who wouldn't make the same effort with me and who most of the time can be a flake.

If she wanted to organise a dinner and invite everyone but me then I wouldn't mind, but the fact is she never organising anything anyway.

It's just I can't shake the feeling off that I'm being a bitch and being unreasonable.

I don't want to exclude her to hurt her, I just have no interest in a one way friendship.

gordyslovesheep Tue 22-Jan-13 20:41:38

you invite her - she doesn;t come - where is the harm?

Joiningthegang Tue 22-Jan-13 20:43:21

Ynbu - she sounds like an ex friend and probably wouldnt turn up after you had catered for her. The others must realise what she is like and wont hate you for not asking her.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 22-Jan-13 20:43:52

I would still invite her, if she doesn't come so be it. Be the bigger person.

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 20:44:22

YANBU there is only so much a person can take, and if they keep being messed about time and time again than its time to call it a day. Even if you did invite her she might flake out of it again

deleted203 Tue 22-Jan-13 20:45:15

I don't think YABU. I don't think I'd bother invite her as I also can't be arsed with people who don't make a reciprocal effort. I take it you are not really in contact with her now?

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 20:48:11

Sounds like she possibly has anxiety problems?

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:49:19

I haven't spoken to her in months.

I just feel there's only so many times you can ask someone if they'd like to do something and for them to keep saying no. It makes you feel desperate.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:51:20

huh? what makes you think that Amber ?

HecateWhoopass Tue 22-Jan-13 20:51:24

"I have said to the other girls if they would like to invite her then I'm fine with that, but personally I'm not going to. "

Fair enough.

If they want her there, they can invite her.

I don't blame you for not wanting to bother. I wouldn't either.

werewolvesdidit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:52:27

Maybe she was having problems/depressed over the family thing? Either way, I'd invite just 'cos I wouldn't want to be spiteful.

Hullygully Tue 22-Jan-13 20:54:11

Maybe her cat died/her aunt's leg fell off/she spilt her tea/her knitting missed a stitch/her toe ached.

yeah yeah yeah

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 20:54:45

Making plans to go somewhere and then cancelling just before you are due to go, sounds like wanting to go but when it comes to it, not feeling able to.

KobayashiMaru Tue 22-Jan-13 20:54:51


Not "girls".

Crawling Tue 22-Jan-13 20:55:03

Id invite her and be the bigger person she might surprise you and it may be that back then was a difficult time for her.

Megglevache Tue 22-Jan-13 20:55:33

Agree with the others just invite her in a breezy formal way- chances are she'll not come and don't take it personally grin

Save you energies on your real mates.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:58:07

No it's definitely not that Amber

and kabayashiMaru does it really matter - girls/women/ladies who cares? Don't get so wound up about such tiny things that don't even matter.

KobayashiMaru Tue 22-Jan-13 20:59:10

yes it does really matter. It's the small things that really do matter in life, I think you'll find.

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 20:59:49

How are you so sure Leia?

HollyBerryBush Tue 22-Jan-13 20:59:52

She cancelled some events because she had family problems thereafter you exclude her?

Ok. hmm

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:02:11

werewolvesdidit I'm not doing it to be spiteful.

For my birthday all of us decided to go out for breakfast, one of the girls had such a bad cold but she still wanted to go.

Other girl comes downstairs and says she's too tired to go. That's quite spiteful.

It was one thing after another. I'm old enough to know when I no longer want to be friends with someone.

I don't want to be her friend and Im tired of making the effort with someone who constantly cancels or just flat out says no.

Crawling Tue 22-Jan-13 21:03:21

I have mental health problems most people don't know and mine are quite serious ime you can't always tell if a person is suffering ill mental health.

justmyview Tue 22-Jan-13 21:04:24

YABU. If she had family problems, that trumps a night out with student flatmates / end of year party. Other times, you went to the cinema, she didn't fancy joining you - I don't see the problem.

werewolvesdidit Tue 22-Jan-13 21:04:59

Yes re hidden health problems
and yes re women not girls

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 21:06:49

I don't want to be her friend and Im tired of making the effort with someone who constantly cancels or just flat out says no

There's your answer then.

You obviously arent open to any suggestions of maybe show a little understanding so just do what you like! and yes it does make you look a bit bitchy, your call though.

allthatglittersisnotgold Tue 22-Jan-13 21:07:07

I think she has anxiety too. Speaking as a "flake" I love my friends dearly and often do this to them. Some have been understanding others not ao. At the time the idea of an event is fanulous when the rime comes I get nervous and can't face it. Why don't you actually ask her? She might appreciate it. I know I would. Also just invite her. No point being spiteful. She probably won't go anyway.

registerme Tue 22-Jan-13 21:08:23

I have had this problem with several friends. I have a couple of good friends who I lived with at uni. After uni, I moved away and they stayed in the same city. One of them never replied to my emails, and then was surprised that I didn't invite her to a meet up with some other uni friends (I honestly didn't realise she wanted to come since I thought we weren't in touch anymore!). Now we are back in touch and live in the same city again, but it is the same old story. 80% of the time I have to contact her if I want to meet up. She is just so scatterbrained and behind with everything, I don't think she thinks to initiate meet ups most of the time. On the other hand, when we meet up we have a great time. It's not ideal, but I'm grateful to have any friends at the moment.

YADNBU though.

allthatglittersisnotgold Tue 22-Jan-13 21:08:27

Sorry for typos. Fat iphone fingers.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:09:03

KobayashiMaru well I feel sorry for you girl.

Amber she regularly went out with other friends, weekends away with them, photos on Facebook etc

Holly Read the whole OP. There was many incidents where she would agree to do something and then cancel last minute, or just decide she couldn't be bothered.
It was her idea to go to this event, and I paid the £40 but she cancelled on me on the day as she had family problems and then still went on holiday a week later.

I said to her that was fine, always here to talk. She suggested lunch in the week and she would packed up her things in the house that day too. I told her what days I could do and she purposely chose a day where I wasn't available and never said anything.

It was like I said the final straw.

KobayashiMaru Tue 22-Jan-13 21:09:56

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheLightPassenger Tue 22-Jan-13 21:10:22

yabu. give her another chance, you don't know whether there might have been serious family stuff going on six months ago, or whether she has got herself together a bit since you last saw her.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Tue 22-Jan-13 21:11:18

You're choosing to feel desperate, I don't see the problem nviting her as its a group thing so either she'll come which is a bonus or she won't and the rest of you will have a nice time anyway.

I think the risk of what you're doing 'I've told the others they can invite her but I'm nt going to' is you're making it a bad atmosphere.

BridgetBidet Tue 22-Jan-13 21:11:54

Sorry, this is really childish and pathetic. Just tit for tat nonsense. And incredibly rude and nasty to organise a night out for a group of people who used to live together and exclude one - infantile and unpleasant.

OP - I would watch out if I were you, because if I was one of the girls you HAD invited and I had got wind you'd behaved like this to a former flatmate then you would certainly be heading towards being an ex-friend. This will reflect really badly on you.

To be frank, it's borderline bullying.

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 21:13:36

Amber she regularly went out with other friends, weekends away with them, photos on Facebook etc

Maybe they were her understanding friends?

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Tue 22-Jan-13 21:14:01

And I agree about potential anxiety or similar. OP your posts come across very angry, mayb she's a bit scared of you?

sooperdooper Tue 22-Jan-13 21:15:51

What family problems did she have? Did you ever ask?

I've got family problems at the moment, I cancelled on a friend on Sunday and I'm probably going to cancel on another friend this weekend - I hope they are more understanding and don't decide to exclude me for being a flake!?

BridgetBidet Tue 22-Jan-13 21:16:18

LeiaRose, has it ever occurred to you that you could behave like an adult and tell her that you were upset that she had cancelled on you a couple of times and ask her to apologise and not do it again? Rather than behaving like a little schoolgirl saying 'Yah, boo sucks, I'm not inviting you to my party' and slating her to the rest of your mates behind her back?

This really is bullshit, I so wouldn't want to know anybody who indulged in this sort of crap, it's pathetic.

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 22-Jan-13 21:16:21

I don't think YABU but if it's a meal in a restaurant where 1 more or less on the day won't make a difference, I think you should invite her just to be nice. I wouldn't expect her to show up, but it's the right thing to do. However, I definitely wouldn't make any 1:1 plans with her, spend any money on e.g. tickets based on her saying she'll go to something with you, or turn down other invitations to make plans with her. Last-minute/casual/group get-togethers only.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 22-Jan-13 21:16:31

Maybe she doesn't like you?

Also I have suffered with anxiety and would continually cancel things. It depended on the day how I felt. Maybe your things fell on bad days.

Luckily my friends are more understanding.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 22-Jan-13 21:17:03

Out of interest OP, how old are you?

DIYapprentice Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:04

How do the others feel about her?

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:05

I promise you this WOMAN doesn't have any kind of problem, she regularly went out with her own group of friends, birthday weekends away etc

Amber this is the woman who had a party at our house and her friends trashed my things, smashed my glasses, ate my food etc, who would make arrangements to go out and cancel on the day numerous times because she couldn't be bothered or had a better offer.

She made me feel quite shit about myself and so I gave up on a friendship. She has never once contacted me since she left the house.

I like the other girls and want to continue my friendship with them.

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:17

Oh, and Kobayashi, based on their behaviour I think the individuals in this situation are definitely girls rather than women. wink

Flojobunny Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:26

Your friend had cold and this women said "she's too tired to come out" and its spiteful hmm
If she cancelled the day before the uni party didn't she lose £40 too? And why did u have to cancel going just because she did? Your choice to lose the money, u can't blame her.
You clearly don't like her so why bother starting a thread like this when you aren't going to listen to anyone?
I also have anxiety problems, no one except my parents know. None of my friends know, most have ditched me, I feel really lonely, its nice to be included even if I dont feel up to going.

sleepyhead Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:58

I've got a friend like this. It is annoying, but I decided long ago that I was happy to include her but not go to any effort so that I wasn't too put out if she cancelled.

So, in your situation I'd invite her but at the back of my mind I'd assume she wasn't coming and plan accordingly. If I was inviting her to the cinema then I'd invite someone else too so that if she pulled out at the last minute I'd still have a good time.

My friend is excellent company when she does show though, so I reckon it's worth it. I don't know why she's so flaky, none of my business, but I value her as a person and don't want to break ties with her completely.

Doesn't sound like you feel the same about this person so I guess cutting her out is different. Maybe she just doesn't like your company that much though and it'll be a bit of a relief to her too.

Floggingmolly Tue 22-Jan-13 21:19:28

Other girl says she's too tired to go. That's quite spiteful
What? Wtf is spiteful about that?
And she never, ever went to the cinema with you, even though it was only £2????? Maybe she didn't bloody want to. You sound really hard work, taking all these non attendances at non compulsory events as personal slights (your birthday breakfast!!)

onedev Tue 22-Jan-13 21:21:15

I see where you're coming from Op & it would really bother me too, although likely I would have told her by now & certainly would have told her I was angry about the £40! (Provided the circumstances weren't understandable obviously!)

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:21:16

Ok fine I'm a huge pathetic bitch who doesn't deserve friends and should lie in the road and do the world a favour.

I am 100% being unreasonable.

JoInScotland Tue 22-Jan-13 21:22:04

I agree, invite her and if she doesn't come then there's no harm done.

As regards the girl / woman debate, when I read your thread title, I thought you were contemplating not inviting a 5-year-old to your child's party. Because that would be a girl. You and your friend are all grown up now, you're women. HTH

timidviper Tue 22-Jan-13 21:22:20

YANBU You have made enough effort for this woman, if she has problems then it is up to her to either work around them or explain to friends enough for them to make some allowances. I think you've been very reasonable.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:23:14

Maybe she just doesn't like your company that much though and it'll be a bit of a relief to her too.

No it was her that asked me to move in with her and she does it to the other people in the house too.

Shakey1500 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:23:21

Why don't you take the bull by the horns and ring her. Tell her about the party and the reasons why you feel a bit hesitant to ask. Clear the air.

I would give her a chance personally. Benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise etc.

FergusSingsTheBlues Tue 22-Jan-13 21:24:03

Its really unfair to exclude one person like that when you normally together.
And it would be more mature to discuss her flakiness with her directly rather than sitting around bitching about it.

sooperdooper Tue 22-Jan-13 21:24:30

How long ago did you leave uni? I think it's a bit odd to remember each individual instance in such detail when none of it seems a huge big deal

Maybe she didn't want to go to the cinema all the time, when she couldn't go to the party why didn't you see if someone else could use her ticket and go with you instead?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 22-Jan-13 21:25:30

Leia is this your first AIBU?

If you don't like her, don't associate with her, but don't start a thread asking if your being unreasonable if you have already decided you don't want to be around her.

YANBU to decide not to be friends with someone if you don't want to, but YABU to start a thread where you end up coming across as a petulant child.

Pleasesleep Tue 22-Jan-13 21:27:08

I don't know. I think you sound a bit immature to be honest op. I think you'd be better talking to her like an adult... Saying that she upset you and please not to do it again? This is childish nonsense that you really need to grow out of. You're coming across as fairly unpleasant.

HollyBerryBush Tue 22-Jan-13 21:27:15

FYO = reading this, any feminist started calling me a 'woman' would get short shift and told to trot back to their more PC correct and uptight counterparts.

Girls is a term used by females from 0 - 90. It isn't offensive, perfectly acceptable in everyday speach - well apart from those who always seek to be perpetually offended and make a career out of it.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:27:23

Really unfair to exclude one person like that when you normally together

We have only met up twice. The dinner I organised and someone else organised one - and she cancelled again.

allthatglittersisnotgold Tue 22-Jan-13 21:29:15

Sleepyhead, not a friend of mine are you? Reckon I have a few like this when I turn up I will generally make a good effort. Often cancel though. Flojobunny don't feel bad, a good friend will be supportive. "Friends" don't just pretend to like someone, they deep down care. Op you do sound a little fresh out of uni and still in that clique mode. No harm in having humility. It's always nicer to be nice, even if she's angered and upset you don't do the same to her. It's not worth it.

Floggingmolly Tue 22-Jan-13 21:32:15

Hollyberry. I personally always feel there's something a little sad about referring to the
over thirties over forties as "girls". As for any female up to ninety... hmm

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:33:11

I see your point glitter

It's just after everything that she's done, I just can't like her anymore and I'm not sure that would be really fake of me to pretend that I do by inviting her.

KobayashiMaru Tue 22-Jan-13 21:33:55

"Girls is a term used by females from 0 - 90. It isn't offensive, perfectly acceptable in everyday speach"

Read a dictionary, it has a specific meaning. Most of us grown women do not like being referred to as a female child, or an immature female. Although I do agree that the characters in this story, especially the OP, do fit that definition.
As do those who think normal women must be perpetually offended just because they want to be referred to properly and not in an insulting manner. How odd of you to think so.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:36:29

Ok maybe I should have said women, but whatever I don't see why it matters. None of you had trouble understanding what I meant.

It's just not relevant to what I posted.

Why are people trying to debate this? confused

gwenniebee Tue 22-Jan-13 21:40:14

I am a flake, because I regularly make excuses not to do things because I am too nervous to. Not that any of the people I make the excuses to know that.

I also refer to myself and other female people my age as "girls" and fail to understand how it could be construed as demeaning. Do you suppose male people get so hung up about such petty things as whether they are referred to as "men" or "lads/guys/boys/chaps" etc.

I guess that makes me pretty despicable to both sides of this argument!

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:48:12

Honestly believe me she has no nerves. I could go into great detail as to how I know but theres no point.

Just take my word for it.

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 21:53:43

AIBU? yes

NO I'M NOT yes you are

NO I'M NOT...........repeat to fade.

2rebecca Tue 22-Jan-13 21:55:04

You are a group of women who used to be close and are now less so. It's normal for friendships to change over time. I had a close group of friends as university, we have since split into smaller groups and some extra people who weren't in our group have joined one of the groups, largely related to where we all live now.
If you feel this woman is no longer your friend and you don't want to invite her then don't, otherwise you just invite her and she doesn't come. It's OK for friendships to change over time.

ilovesooty Tue 22-Jan-13 22:09:44

Ok fine I'm a huge pathetic bitch who doesn't deserve friends and should lie in the road and do the world a favour

FFS. You don't like her. You don't want to invite her. I can't imagine why you even asked. hmm

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 22-Jan-13 22:11:23

grin Amber. I was just saying earlier today how much I enjoy AIBU when the person does that.

hrrumph Tue 22-Jan-13 22:20:12

it won't make any difference but I think yabu.

you're being a Wendy.

just because you don't like one quite as much as the others.

as I said to my 7 year old today, it costs nothing to be kind.

I do have a bit of a personal reason for saying these things. My school friends for years (7 years) were a group of 4 other girls. I had to leave school half way through the sixth form because I had an illness. It took a long time to diagnose so all I could tell them was i felt like crap. I was pretty much in bed for a year. When I felt well enough I called one of the girls up and said I'd really like to meet up. Her response - we've all got new friends now, we don't meet up any more. Which turned out to be a complete lie. For years I thought all of them hated me. I've never ever been able to trust in groups of women since. When FB came about (20 years later) they all contacted me. Why didn't you get in touch they said. I'm not such a cow as to tell them X told me you all had new friends and didn't want to see me again.

You are excluding this one person from the group because she hasn't behaved in quite the way you would like. The others may not feel like this about her at all. If you have a history as a group, it's just wrong and mean to leave her out.

maddening Tue 22-Jan-13 22:39:53

a - maybe she didn't like the cinema - no need to take it personally as she didn't go with all of you.

b- the other gripes come during family problems so normally you make allowances for friends '

c- you're outwardly telling your friends you aren't inviting her - making any attempt to invite her awkward - generally avoid being the one to make your friends choose is best to be avoided as does appearing to be the one doing the isolation of a friend from a friendship group - by doing this you appear the aggressor so are potentially going to be judged as such - say this friend speaks to the rest of your "group" - they will get her view and remember you are the one who decided not to invite her.

d - it's oetty and childish - does not hurt to invite her to a meal -if she constantly doesn't turn up that is what will be remembered instead of point c.

Cailinsalach Tue 22-Jan-13 22:47:32

I feel your friend is constant in her attitude. She really isn't that into you or your other friends.
I wouldn't waste any more time, effort nor consideration on this gel.
I agree to leave it to the others to include her if they wish.

lougle Tue 22-Jan-13 23:01:21

If you ask people what I am 'like', they would say I'm confident, outgoing, etc. I dread social occasions. I often feel like cancelling (but rarely do, because the pressure of going is equal to the dread of having to push myself forward to cancel).

Outward appearances aren't always indicative of inner emotion.

DigestivesWithCheese Wed 23-Jan-13 03:03:43

Kobaya - Get over the whole "girl"/"woman thing, please. It's boring, boring, boring. Call yourself whatever you like but that doesn't give you the right to control others.

GameSetMatch87 Wed 23-Jan-13 03:14:38

lougle The OP said that the girl had a party and invited all her friends round so she hardly dreads social occasions.

Sometimes people are just plain rude.

Agree with Digestives - Kobaya use the word woman as frequently as you like, let others use their own word. Get over it basically.

The amount of times I see people say forget it she's not your friend leave her alone.

What if the aibu was from the other persons side - one of my housemates keeps asking me out but most of the time I just don't feel like it or can't be bothered, aibu to be upset that she didn't invite me out for lunch?

The OP also said she told the other women that if they wanted to invite then they could.

Aibu really is the crude bucket of MN.

cafecito Wed 23-Jan-13 03:38:19

agree with Amber et al.

OP - <whispers> ... grow up, perhaps?

problems don't have to be seen to be there, be it thyroid issues, anaemia, or whatever else could make her very tired, insomnia, anxiety, depression, or even other issues such as 'family problems' (when I am stressed, the last thing I want to do is go out), or relationship troubles (controlling OH in the background?) financial worries, or whatever.

That said, much as she has a right to decline an invite, if you really don't want her there, just don't invite her. I think you should invite her though.

EndofARainbow Wed 23-Jan-13 03:42:42

OP - <whispers> ... grow up, perhaps?

I think deciding to cut someone out of your life is quite grown up. If this woman has made no contact with the OP why should the OP bother?

Why should someone keep asking the same person over and over and over again to come out and get refused and then be expected to keep asking.

If I disliked someone it would be quite false and fake of me to invite them out.

cafecito Wed 23-Jan-13 03:54:26

ok fair point, I do advocate dumping toxic friends. I think that's mature and sensible. But is this girl toxic? It just seems to me like OP remembers little events that other people would just shrug off>

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 23-Jan-13 07:01:57

I think you are getting really unfair responses. Your 'friend' doesn't sound very nice at all - yanbu! Don't waste another thought on her. Good for you for saying enough - yanbu.

BinarySolo Wed 23-Jan-13 07:39:33

I had a very flaky friend when we were doing our a levels. I'd invite her to stuff and she'd always cancel last minute and it drove me insane. Thing is, I later found out her mum had cancer. I could have been much kinder at the time, but I was a self obsorbed teen who felt continually frustrated by her.

Maybe living together and socialising felt like you were in each others pockets too much? You say she had family problems yet you seem cold and unsympathetic. You can't always see the full picture, so as others have said kindness costs nothing.

It seems spiteful not to invite her, and worse to tell your other friends that you're not but they can if they want. So I do think yabu to not invite her.

Also, I did think from the title that this was going to be about a party for a 5 year old!

2rebecca Wed 23-Jan-13 08:55:58

When my mum had cancer and i was due to meet up with a group of friends I told them, that's what people do with their friends, they discuss their problems and if they'd love to meet up but can't for some reason they explain what's going on.
I don't see why the OP is the only one here expected to behave like an adult. This is a woman who used to be the OP's friend but has hardly been in touch recently and doesn't sound as though she is a friend any more. I feel no obligation to invite people who used to be my friend but who I haven't been in touch with for ages to things.
Friendship is a 2 way thing, if you want to stay someone's friend you have to make a bit of an effort, and if you arrange to meet up and can't then you apologise and discuss it properly.

MadBusLady Wed 23-Jan-13 08:57:15

Ok fine I'm a huge pathetic bitch who doesn't deserve friends and should lie in the road and do the world a favour.

Well, of course that is in no way a flouncy, immature thing to say. hmm

If you don't like her, cut her out. As you keep saying, you're a grown-up, it's your decision.

I can't help wondering if you're seeking reassurance about your motives here because you haven't got it from the other friends, or suspect you wouldn't.

TotallyBS Wed 23-Jan-13 09:08:50

OP - I had a 'friend' like that. She and the others would give me the dates that they couldn't make and their preferred venues. I would arrange the event accordingly. Then she would make some excuse and cancel on us.

After a few times I would just arrange the event around the dependable 'regulars'. If she came then great but if she didn't then I would merely have wasted 5 min sending her an email.

I suggest that you do the same.

katiecubs Wed 23-Jan-13 09:22:50

WTF?! Life is to short. If she doens't make an effort/you don't really like her that much anymore then stop inviting her. I seriously can't beleive most people think you should keep on flogging a dead horse.

And the girl/women thing - get a grip who cares!!

MadBusLady Wed 23-Jan-13 09:24:50

Thinking about it, I'd probably stop going to things if I sensed the person inviting me was keeping a score of my social failures and measuring my worth in terms of how much time they wasted writing emails to me, so maybe the problem will solve itself.

Habble Wed 23-Jan-13 09:31:02

I have to confess to being ridiculously flaky and I'm really embarrassed that I am. I would in no way be offended if someone stopped inviting me to things because it would be entirely my fault.

It is something I'm trying to change, as I know it's massively disrespectful to people. I've just become more antisocial as time's gone on and never want to commit to seeing people but conversely when I do go, I usually have a good time. It's entirely my problem though, and I'm amazed that there are still people who are willing to give me a chance.

MrsWolowitz Wed 23-Jan-13 09:46:00

I think YABU. Just invite her if theres no inconvience or expense to you if she bails. You say that she had family problems then go on to slag her off for not wanting to go out. You don't sound like a very nice friend.

On another note, I don't see the issue with saying 'girls'. DH will often say he's going out with the 'lads' or going for a pint with the 'boys' so I really don't see a difference. If someone doesn't like it then they can say women but its really not their business to correct other people who choose to say it.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 23-Jan-13 09:50:32

Habble - it's great you can see this about yourself and it would be good for you to change it as flaky people are so frustrating. I know someone who is actually really nice and when I have seen her its been lovely but she is so flaky and never makes the effort to get together that I and many others have given up on her and many dislike her now as she just never shows any 'effort'.

It's not a good way to be and reflects badly on that person.

Well, a flat share is a flat share. If you become friends, then great. I reckon she asked you to move in to make the numbers up? Financial decision, not friendshpi decision.

It sounds to me like she viewed your living arrangements as flatshare not friendship, and she had her other group of friends that she liked to spend time with. She is entitled to do that. You dont have to live in eachothers pockets just because you are flat mates.

I reckon she just did not like you very much at the end. She probably got to know you better after you moved in, and just did not "click" with you that much.

Move on. You are not her friend, and it seems you are just now realizing that she is not your friend either.

CrapBag Wed 23-Jan-13 09:59:24

How do you know she didn't have family problems? It sounds like up until the later time you knew her she wasn't like this. I am all for cutting friends that don't bother, but my friends did it to me when I was ill, they knew about it and I had been signed off work. I couldn't do the things they wanted to and I had to cancel if I was ill so they didn't really bother with me, unless it was the once in a 6 month period where they had absolutely nothing to do. I ditched them soon after they were my bridesmaids and made me feel like an outsider on my own hen night.

I agree with Amber, she could have anxiety problems. They can develop over time or after a traumatic event ie her family problems. I am finding these days I keep cancelling on things as they sound great at the time but I get so stressed when the event is coming up, I cancel and immediately feel better. Something that I think I am going to see my doctor about.

I think you are being too quick to cut her out and she obviously has noticed and doesn't think she has done anything wrong. I would invite her and if she doesn't come, then you are going anyway so what difference does it make?

MrsCR Wed 23-Jan-13 11:26:58

oh dear OP, is this your first AIBU?

Its all play ground stuff, ask her to come and be the bigger person, dont ask her and find peace with that decision.

its your call, your life, your decision - not everyone is going to like you and not everyone is going to be nice to you all the time - and that's OK! Because it works both way!

Friendship is a tough lesson, and today's lesson is GROW UP

TheMaskedHorror Wed 23-Jan-13 12:09:15

I don't bother with people who don't bother with me. Why would anyone?

Crinkle77 Wed 23-Jan-13 12:15:27

How did she find out about the meal in the first place?

atthewelles Wed 23-Jan-13 12:37:12

You have told the others to invite her along if they want to. I think that's fair enough.

If you're feelling a bit guilty at the back of your mind, just invite her and give her one last chance to show she's grown up and developed a bit of consideration for other people. If she doesn't show up I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about not inviting her in future.

EldritchCleavage Wed 23-Jan-13 12:37:55

Well, I care about the girl/woman thing but OP, write as you see fit.

Can't gauge all the ins and outs, but I don't understand why you are asking, OP. You feel badly let down by this person and you don't like her anymore. In those circumstances, it's understandable you aren't inviting her to stuff. No problem, provided you aren't encouraging mutual friends to exclude her to suit you, but it doesn't sound as though you are.

Just be honest with your friends, if they ask, that you don't feel you and she are friends and don't want to pursue the connection anymore. They may find that harsh, unpleasant, bitchy, whatever. And you have to live with that, just as flake person has to live with you dropping her.

atthewelles Wed 23-Jan-13 13:24:04


Your post sounds a bit nasty and not in line with what was said in the OPs post.

Floggingmolly Wed 23-Jan-13 13:56:49

atthewelles, I don't agree, I think she got to the heart of the issue rather succinctly actually.

Neighbourhoodwatchbitch Wed 23-Jan-13 14:24:02

She must still talk to the other girls and keep in contact to have known in the first place... So for that reason you should invite her really.

atthewells, not meant in a nasty way at all!

But as a student, who opt to live outside halls, you need flatmates to help pay rent and bills. Sometimes you dont end up fab friends with the people you share with. Sometimes you even fall out! Sometimes you are happy when all decide to go to the cinema, so you can get the house on your own to dance around in, in your knickers and your bra! Or invite a boyfriend around in privacy. Sometimes you get so much of the people you share with that you need some space.

I have lived in so many different flat shares, during so many years as a student, I know it is nothing personal, but just a case of not necessarily wanting to spend as much time with all the flat mates. And not "clicking" so well with all.

I have also been a landlord to students, and I have often had to do new contracts because ONE flat mate wants to move on and new ones come in. It is life.

atthewelles Wed 23-Jan-13 14:49:23

Yes, but there was absolutely nothing in the post to indicate that's what happened. In fact it was the 'friend' who enquired as to why she was not invited to the dinner. The OP was perfectly prepared to move on and write off the friendship. You came up with this totally invented scenario in which the OP was presented in a pretty negative way, with absolutely nothing to back it up.
It did come across as a bit unpleasant.

wilkos Wed 23-Jan-13 14:51:48

shes better off without you all probably.

I have a friend like this, shes constantly cancelling up till the last minute, and it can be a pain.

but I know that she suffers with anxiety. the reason I know this is because over time she has trusted me enough to tell me, because she knows I won't give up on her.

so I keep on asking her, because actually she is lovely, and is great fun, and I know that for a short while it boosts her confidence and helps her get better.

pigletmania Wed 23-Jan-13 14:57:22

Kobyashi reel it in, I am a grown intelligent woman and don't mind being referred to as a girl, it's also a term in speech, like dh saying he's going out with the boys/lads. Life's to shrt to get hung up about something so trivial

Hobbitation Wed 23-Jan-13 14:58:14

I'd pick up the phone and have a chat with her. Explain why you didn't invite her last time and why you are worried about inviting her now. You'd love her to be there but you didn't think she wanted to come to things as she never does.

athewell, it is my take on it, and this is a talk forum where opinions are sought. I have re-read my own post, and I honestly dont see it portray the op in any negative light. I guess we just have to agree to disagree.
Out of curiosity, have you ever lived in a flat share?

DIYapprentice Wed 23-Jan-13 15:02:27

Why are so many people determined that this person suffers from anxiety or something like that? The OP has said that she had gone out regularly with others, but has been a flaky friend to the op and the others in this group. It is quite likely that she IS a flake, and has used this group as back up friends for when she doesn't have anything better to do. If she had suffered anxiety ALL her friends would have been continually let down, not just this group of friends.

Leia - you've seen how she treats friends she values, and you've seen how she treats you. Given the stark difference you know she's not a friend to you, so there's absolutely no need to feel guilty for not wanting to invite her.

KobayashiMaru Wed 23-Jan-13 15:04:05

bully for you girls Just because its not important to you doesn't mean its not important. hmm

cerealqueen Wed 23-Jan-13 15:11:12

Look Op, she hasn't done anything so very terrible has she? Shagged your boyfriend or poisoned your cat?

She forgot about lunch, you could have texted her.
She has family problems - be understanding?

She sees the other girls - well maybe she is better friends with them?

If she is a mutual friend there is an awful lot if 'not inviting' to be had in the coming years.

Invite her, be friendly, you have history and all friendships wax and wane. Be the better person (within reason) as it is an approach that will stand you in good stead in years to come and one I only learned aged 35.

maddening Wed 23-Jan-13 15:11:23

The thing is the op should distance herself from this.woman if she doesn't like her but the awkward bit is excluding her from this old flatmates get together meal - which is where the op can be considered unreasonable.

For her own sake I would def just offer the invite safe in the knowledge that the woman won't turn up and gradually over time memory of her will fade - but at the moment as she is obviously still in touch with someone other than the op it is not the best move in making friends and influencing people to be seen to socially exclude someone who was seen as part of her friendship group - it reflects badly on the op.

Anyway - in a few years she'll most likely have grown away from this big friendship group thing as they all get careers and families - but at the moment this group is important to the op so it's just the best thing to so to maintain a happy friendly feeling. This sort of thing can really force friendships apart.

atthewelles Wed 23-Jan-13 15:24:51

Yes, I have PureQuintessence but that's not the point.

The point I'm making is that the OP seems willing to move on and forget this friendship. It is the former friend who seemed perturbed that she wasn't asked to the last night out. How do you make from that that she no longer wants to be friendly with OP?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 23-Jan-13 15:24:57

OP You said I can't shake the feeling off that I'm being a bitch and being unreasonable.
Why do you think YABU?

Kobaya if you want to debate the ins and outs of the word Girl, start your own thread.

I agree with what DIY said.
And... I'm an older lady but I have regular 'girls' nights out!

pigletmania Wed 23-Jan-13 15:39:17

Kobyashi it's not important in te grand scheme of things. To you Mabey not to other people

Yfronts Wed 23-Jan-13 17:00:29

I think if she had genuine reasons for canceling thats OK. But otherwise maybe say to friends 'she won't come anyway so no point in inviting'

ClareMarriott Wed 23-Jan-13 17:03:16


Have you thought that with this particular person any friendship may have run its course ?. Deciding to hang on in there for one more time is admirable but can be quite draining. Perhaps you could just keep in touch with your other friends whose company you like and take it from there ?

KobayashiMaru Wed 23-Jan-13 17:04:33

To lots of other people, actually. A great number of women in fact.

DIYapprentice Wed 23-Jan-13 17:16:09

Kobayashi - steady on there girl...


<ducks and runs!>

MrsWolowitz Wed 23-Jan-13 17:35:47

Kobayashi - seriously, in the grand scheme of things, its not even a blip on the radar of things that matter.

Do you also get your knickers in a twist over men calling their group of friends "lads" or "the boys"?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 23-Jan-13 17:36:03

Obviously not on this thread Kobaya. But if you really, really want to discuss is start your own thread. Or better still check in the feminism section. I think they discussed this in length pretty recently.

These girls just wanna have fun and discuss their friendships.

Athewell, me and you are clearly reading two different threads.
The op is giving many examples of the friend cancelling, or flat out not bothering, even for her birthday breakfast, and Uni party with tickets costing £40 that she herself invited her to, and op herself says:

"I just feel there's only so many times you can ask someone if they'd like to do something and for them to keep saying no. It makes you feel desperate."

"I don't want to be her friend and Im tired of making the effort with someone who constantly cancels or just flat out says no."

How can I not infer from this that the other girl is less keen on the friendship?

Op does not want this any more, and I am telling her to move on! It is fine to move on from uni friends, and change the tack of the friendship, meet less regularly and not everybody in one group. It is fine for friendships to change. This is not at all a slight on the op, or anything negative on her part at all. Just a situation where friendships has perhaps moved on.

OP did not invite this particular girl to an outing, after repeatedly being turned down. Of course the girl is going to sit up and notice. Only natural to ask if there is something wrong.

I just dont get why you keep picking on my posts. Mine is just an opinion like many others.

KobayashiMaru Thu 24-Jan-13 00:49:00

I'm not the one who keeps going on about it. But I'll be fucked if I'll pretend it isn't important. Tell it to the one billion rising

BurningWingsOfFlame Thu 24-Jan-13 00:53:57

Kobaya its just getting embarrassing now. You dragged up this thread to make a point which isn't relevant in the slightest to the OP.

Is your life really that sad? Get a grip girl.

TheRatsTheRats Thu 24-Jan-13 00:59:28

I agree with Amber about social anxieties problems. A lot of people don't realise I have anxieties (I deliberately act confident so I can rush off and escape) but these are exactly the kind of things I would do. Want to and wuss out at the last min and make up an excuse. I have good friends now who persist with me (now that I know what the problem is and am sorting).

BurningWingsOfFlame Thu 24-Jan-13 01:02:39

The OP said she threw a huge party at their house and her things got trashed!

Doesn't sound like anxiety to me.

BurningWingsOfFlame Thu 24-Jan-13 01:03:26

And she also said this girl went for weekends away to celebrate other friends birthdays.

pigletmania Thu 24-Jan-13 01:14:29

Exactly burning, what's tat got to do with it. Best go to the feminism section girl grin

BurningWingsOfFlame Thu 24-Jan-13 01:16:12

pigletmania you go girl <high five>

apostropheuse Thu 24-Jan-13 01:29:24

I hope I'm called a girl until the day I die.

At fifty-one I'm very much a woman, but it's good to be called a girl.

Being delusional works for me. grin

Angelfootprints Thu 24-Jan-13 01:30:01

I now have Cindy Lauper in my head!

"Ohhhh girls just wanna have fuuunn"

pigletmania Thu 24-Jan-13 07:22:10

Highives burning grin

pigletmania Thu 24-Jan-13 07:23:36

Oh goodness angel don't tell Kobyashi about that one, she might start a thread about it grin

MrsWolowitz Thu 24-Jan-13 08:03:07

Kobashi you haven't answered my question. Does men being referred to as "the boys" or "the lads" bother you?

merrymouse Thu 24-Jan-13 08:06:43

Reading your posts, OP, I find it difficult to believe that she is that concerned about being excluded from the invite. If she wanted to remain friends with you she would have made some kind of contact in 6 months.

From your posts I don't get the impression that she was sitting in her room listening to sad music when she was deciding not to socialise with you at uni - she was deciding to socialise with other people. That doesn't necessarily make her an awful person (although she would do well to learn some manners), but it doesn't make her somebody that you have to include in your social plans forever more either.

It's not even as though you have deliberately excluded her - just left it up to your other friends to invite her. If none of them are that bothered, move on.

milf90 Thu 24-Jan-13 10:03:37

that girl you were talking about could have been me. i had had a miscarriage and just come out of an abusive relationship. it really is the nail in coffin when your 'friends' dont even try to understand.


DIYapprentice Thu 24-Jan-13 10:13:13

Milf90 - and when you came out of that were you partying with other friends while snubbing one group? Were you trashing your friend's flat while throwing a party? No. There is no way this girl could have been you. You were in a seriously bad place - this girl clearly wasn't otherwise she would have been hiding from everyone and everything. Please don't sell yourself short.

Locketjuice Thu 24-Jan-13 10:21:02

It would piss me off, I have two close friends, they don't really like each other even though are are polite but one always does this to the other so I listen to both sides friend 1 saying she always try's to contact friend 2 and she's fed up now as she clearly Doesn't care and friend saying I can't help it I just don't like her and feel pressured to say yes easier up agree then cancel

Kalisi Thu 24-Jan-13 10:44:12

Op, yabu to care so much and your responces sound very immature.
It's really no effort on your part to send a group text to everyone arranging a meet-up. If she blows you out, get over it, you don't care if she turns up anyway. The decision you have made not to invite her, has nothing to do with 'not wanting to put the effort in' and everything to do with 'proving a point' Not a good moral highground really.

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