to think a grown man should not need to call in with his mum EVERY single day

(58 Posts)
whatdoithinknow Tue 22-Jan-13 17:32:41

Both me and my dp work full time mine is quite a stressful job not saying his isn't but....anyway I finish work pick kids up from child care come home start cooking dinner etc etc. Dp works near his parents home so its easy to call in but would you say it was necessary every single day?? I feel resentful that I have to get on with cooking with kids under my feet while he relaxes with a cup of tea elsewhere!! Aibu??

lannyshrops Tue 22-Jan-13 17:34:17

Why is he calling in? Are his parents elderly? Do they need care that he is providing? More information please.

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 17:34:50

YANBU, this would annoy me. Fine if you don't have any responsibilites I suppose but he needs to come home and help you!

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 17:35:22

Actually yes, if they are very frail and old that's different!!

threesocksmorgan Tue 22-Jan-13 17:35:53

if they old he is not bu

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 22-Jan-13 17:36:16

YANBU - unless they are elderly and need him to keep and eye on them / provide care.

TwoKidsAndCounting Tue 22-Jan-13 17:36:55

Sounds like he's shirking responsibilities, unless his parents are ill or the likes. However, YANBU!

littleduckie Tue 22-Jan-13 17:37:44

I was going to post a similar AIBU about my DP whos mother phones at least 3 times a day and his brother at least twice a day, even when we are on holiday.

whatdoithinknow Tue 22-Jan-13 17:41:00

No sorry I should have said not old or frail he just calls to have a cuppa and chat. Mind u I might if there was work to do at home and I had that option!!

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Tue 22-Jan-13 17:41:57

A phonecall would be fine as he has stuff to do.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 22-Jan-13 17:44:05

In that case YANBU at all - I'd like to sit and have cup of tea rather than put the kids to bed too but you can't opt-out so easily.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 22-Jan-13 17:45:50

but I hope my son does that when he's left home
Old habits die hard and I'm not sure once you start you can stop easily? E.g cuppa probably waiting for him

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 22-Jan-13 17:46:49

Really nice thing for him, and I'm sure it makes perfect sense to him, but not it's not fair on you.

Could he pop in at lunchtime instead?

Every day?! shock just for a cuppa and a chat?


There should be a more equal distribution of the work.

Do you do all the cooking then? And he comes home to eat

Once he is home does he pull his weight? Let you sit down with a cuppa while he takes over?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Tue 22-Jan-13 17:48:48

I secretly hope my son would do it too but not at the expense of doing his share of the childcare at home. Lunchtimes is a good suggestion.

2 or 3 times a week would be enough. Then go round as a family at the weekend.

MMMarmite Tue 22-Jan-13 17:50:31

Do you each get equal leisure time in the end? If so, then I guess it's fine for him to spend his dropping on his parents, each to their own. But if you don't get an equal amount of time to put your feet up each day, then it's not fair and you need a fairer system.

TallyGrenshall Tue 22-Jan-13 17:50:43


I go to my mothers house every day, 65 and 70 so not really old or frail but I love them and I like having a cuppa and a chat

However, it's not fair if you are being left to cook dinner and deal with the kids every day. Is he home to help with bath/bed etc?

<picks splinters out of my arse>

I really hope my DS won't come by for a cuppa ever single day as a grown man! A couple of times a week would be enough.

ENormaSnob Tue 22-Jan-13 17:52:44


If he needs to see them daily could he not call at lunch time then he isn't shirking evening duties at home?

MerylStrop Tue 22-Jan-13 17:52:49

Every day is a bit much, and I can see that it would be annoying but I sort of think it's sweet that he likes to go and see them.

So long as the moment he walks through the door he deals with the kids, clears up and does bed time?

Or so long as he does morning sorting out, breakfast and school run whilst you have time for a shower and to get ready?

Either of those apply?

deleted203 Tue 22-Jan-13 17:52:49

YANBU to be annoyed as you are getting left to deal with kids and cooking. But would he actually do anything if he was at home? I can understand that he has got in the routine of calling in at his parents for a cup of tea and a chat after work, but presumably this isn't a new routine? It sounds as though he has been doing it for a while. Have you complained to him about it? And would life improve if he DID come straight home? Or would he simply sit in the living room reading the paper and drinking tea whilst the kids rampaged about and you cooked tea? I think rather than focusing on him being at his parents you need to say something along the lines of 'I need you to come straight home so that you can keep the kids out of my way whilst I cook. I can't do both jobs'. Make it clear that you are needing him home for a SPECIFIC reason - rather than just objecting to him seeing his parents.

NowWhatIsit Tue 22-Jan-13 17:54:01

Fine if it works both ways. What woud happen if you said - Can he pick the kids up 1/2 nights and do their tea etc as you're going to go shopping/meet friend for drink etc after work?? How would that go down? Or maybe he can take kids to his parents and you can be at home on your own?

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord Tue 22-Jan-13 17:54:13

hmm littleduckie

Is your MIL Mrs Wolowitz?

Why 3 times a day?? confused

I would change the phone number grin

NatashaBee Tue 22-Jan-13 17:56:36

YANBU, if you don't get the same leisure time.

DoodlesNoodles Tue 22-Jan-13 18:02:50

I bet he is watching that Racheal Riley on Countdown hmm. (see other thread)

Her and her tight dresses.


ps, I am joking and YANBU smile

SushiPaws Tue 22-Jan-13 18:05:50


I was ready to say yabu thinking it was a quick phone call, but everyday after work while you cook and deal with kids is unfair.

1950sThrowback Tue 22-Jan-13 18:06:04

...and you're sure that's where he's going

Balderdashandpiffle Tue 22-Jan-13 18:09:57

I see or speak to my mum everyday.

But then I'm divorced, best friend a son can ever have, your deal old mum.
Wives come and go, you can always rely on your mum.

If I didn't have my children here I'd move back in, actually I think the children would come with me.

ilovesooty Tue 22-Jan-13 18:33:31

...and you're sure that's where he's going

That didn't take long did it? If he were having passionate shags elsewhere he'd be a bit stupid to use his parents as an alibi.

Haven't you just had a baby or am I mixing you up with someone else? So are you back at work already?

Does your DH help out at other times/in other ways?

Perhaps ask him to pick the children up a couple of nights a week and get the tea started while you stop on your way home for a coffee/meet friends/etc.

Or ask him to come straight home to help out with tea, bath and bedtime and go round to his parents once the children are in bed.

HollyBerryBush Tue 22-Jan-13 21:09:00

DH and I both called in on our respective parents, when they were alive, every night after work for a quick coffee on the way home.

That's what normal families do. They interact with each other.

COCKadoodledooo Tue 22-Jan-13 21:29:14

I'd love to be near enough to pop in to see my folks on a whim. Probably not every day though, but when they get a bit older/more frail it concerns me that I won't be nearby. Hell I might even pop in to the inlaws for a cuppa once a week if they were nearer then we wouldn't have to endure a week at a time

What would happen if you asked him not to? What if you had to work late go for a few beers after work ? Would he be cool with that, able/willing to take charge of dc and domestic duties? Or is he a presumptuous selfish git?

DorisIsWaiting Tue 22-Jan-13 21:29:26

Maybe he needs to start collecting the kids. Then you can relax in peace get on with the tea. If he wants to see his parents he can do so with the kids in tow !

andtheycalleditbunnylove Tue 22-Jan-13 21:31:36

the answer is clear to me. get the children, be round at his mum's before he arrives. have a cup of tea with him and his parents. do this every day.

COCKadoodledooo Tue 22-Jan-13 21:36:31

Actually your post has just brought back a memory that makes me smile.
A long long time ago I worked for a bank. I lived in one town, worked in another but was asked to go to a different branch on relief. Turned out the manager of said branch lived just round the corner, so he said he'd pick me up every morning for the duration. Mysteriously he said I'd need to get the train back as he couldn't bring me. He was late 20s btw, I was 5 or so years younger.

All sorts of scenarios went through my mind as to why he'd refuse to bring me home, but I eventually discovered that he stopped by his mum's house. Every night. For his tea. She also still made his pack up every day grin

starmaker7 Wed 23-Jan-13 12:50:27

my mil still makes dp's packed lunch for him ,he calls every morning for it on his way to work

meadow2 Wed 23-Jan-13 13:39:04

I dont see whats weird about this.Its one issue to not being doing any work, but its very common for people to speak to their parents everyday.

Yorkpud Wed 23-Jan-13 14:10:11

YANBU- Is there anyway you can take turns with who picks the children up from childcare or is it not practical?

scaevola Wed 23-Jan-13 14:17:11

I think it's a good think to stay close to your family and would be delighted if my DSes grew up to want to be in such frequent contact.

Which makes this situation a bit of a bugger. Because I think you are definitely NBU to think it's wrong to opt out of the heavy-toll parenting roles in the hours between the end of school and bed-time. How far away is work? Could you tell him to come straight home, then pop into theirs later for a night cap instead?

cerealqueen Wed 23-Jan-13 14:19:31

Could be do the pick up? or does he just prefer to do this? Does he do bath and bed? Does he cook your evening meal or you do all the cooking? More info needed really!

It is nice that he sees his mum but every day...maybe bring the Dcs to her once a week too for their tea, which he cooks?

ChristianGreyIsAJackass Wed 23-Jan-13 14:22:50

Littleduckie are your DH's family of Italian origin? We have similar! :D

GuffSmuggler Wed 23-Jan-13 14:26:52

This is ridiculous, he needs to put you and the family first and you both agree which night's he can shirk out of family commitments.

starmaker are you serious!? How can you have any respect for this man!?!

mrsjay Wed 23-Jan-13 14:32:02

can you not wait for him to come in to do the tea or get him to cook it If he can visit his mum and dad for a chat and a cuppa why can't you have a cuppa and a sit down when you get in from work, he may realise you harassed you feel when his dinner isn't ready when he gets in how long does he stay for I dont think YAbu but i do think you shouldn't be doing it all either when you get in,

sumrandomgirl Wed 23-Jan-13 14:34:03

I have been with my boyf 4 yrs now and still struggle talking with his parents, think having 3 kids already was a bit much for their blue eyed boy and they tjougjt I wud give up when I realised he had no money, now I am pregnant She didnt talk to him for a week as she was in shock! I pop in for five mins once a week when he goes for tea, and they still struggle to talk to me.
I did resent not being included in his family life an that i never get an invite to family meals or xmas day I realise they are just stuck in a routine and don't like change....haha, well they got one massive change coming...his baba haha.

I am hoping I will finally be accepted into their family, and maybe even invited for a meal,

Smellslikecatspee Wed 23-Jan-13 14:41:12

He's being UR if you're having to do more of your share once you both finish work. Which it seems as you are.

IF he gets in and then does more than his share then you're been UR.

Saying that my sister goes to my Mums everyday for her lunch, regularly pops in after work when Mum will have made a 'bit' extra for dinner, so she'll take home hers/BIL and her DCS dinner too.

Though my my other BIL works locally she does the same for him.
This is why we keep looking for jobs back home. . .

In short seeing them daily if its on his way not unreasonable
Taking the piss by using seeing them in other to get out of doing his share at home vvvvvvvvvvvv unreasonable

AmberLeaf Wed 23-Jan-13 14:53:08

Wouldn't bother me as long as he pulled his weight once he was home.

But then I have three sons!

Thinking of it, DP sees his Mum every day and she isnt old at all. She is a widow though.

GetOrf Wed 23-Jan-13 14:56:19

Aww I think it's nice that he goes to see his mum every day.

Just make him do a load of shite when he gets in so you can sit down/bugger off out.

It's his mum.

mrsjay Wed 23-Jan-13 14:58:08

I dont see it as a realy problem tbh but he is taking the piss not helping you is it visiting them every day (which i think is nice) or is it him assuming you will do it all so he can visit every day, why dont you sort out a pick the kids up rota

GetOrf Wed 23-Jan-13 15:02:36

It's crap though that you get the childcare run every day.

He does need to pull his weight and share all the chores equally.

But as long as he does that it's not a problem per se seeing his mum every day, is it?

He's not calling in to see his parents. He's calling in to avoid the work. After all, it must be sooo much nicer to do it his way - tea and biscuits then home to dinner on the table and DC settled post-school. I'd be well pissed off with him.

choceyes Wed 23-Jan-13 15:43:06

YANBU. I won't be happy if my DH did that. Taking the kids home after childcare and cooking can be really stressful. I have 2 kids in nursery and on the days I work I pick up the DCs from nursery and take them home and cook dinner, and it is soooo much easier if DH is at home during that time. Unfortunately DH's job means he can never to the nursery run (he's a teacher and DCs need to be picked up at 4.30pm which he can't do) and get home before 6pm, but on the rare occassion he's at home when we get there it is so so much better. So I really understand where you are coming from OP.

valiumredhead Wed 23-Jan-13 15:47:07

I hope my ds pops in to see me every day for a cuppa when I'm old!

GuffSmuggler Wed 23-Jan-13 15:48:48

Yes poor man needs a cup of tea and a rest after work before having to deal with family life. Woman must have tea ready for man when he returns home after post-work cuppa. <sigh>

mrsjay Wed 23-Jan-13 15:48:57

He's calling in to avoid the work. After all, it must be sooo much nicer to do it his way - tea and biscuits then home to dinner on the table and DC settled post-school. I'd be well pissed off with him.

SO would I but the OP needs to get tough and not do so much so he doesn't come home to pipe and slippers grin

TheMaskedHorror Wed 23-Jan-13 15:50:52

My dh calls in on his parents every day. They live near the station so he parks on their drive but he literally just pops in, asks how they are and leaves.
He sometimes stays longer if he needs to help them out with something.
I think its nice but would be annoyed if he was putting his feet up with a cup of tea there every day.

GetOrf Wed 23-Jan-13 15:59:47

Actually thinking again, he should really pick the kids up from childcare as much as you do (unless his office is at the other end of town etc).

It's good that he sees his parents, but perhaps he should go at lunchtime half the time, and then come home and take charge of all the domestic drudgery at least as much as you do.

maddening Wed 23-Jan-13 17:24:44

Take the kids and meet him at mils and go home alone for a long hot bath to get on with dinner.

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