To ask if you would let a new boyfriend bathe your 7 year old daughter?

(145 Posts)
TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 14:47:45

A friend of mine did this and I am not suggesting anything untoward went on at all but I found it very odd.

This little girl has had to cope to witnessing DV and now has to cope with a new man in her life almost immediately that her father left. Now 'friend' has him bathing her and completely stripping away her dignity imo.

AIBU to give this 'friend' a piece of my mind?

Ragwort Tue 22-Jan-13 14:49:30

I'm not sure why a girl of 7 needs 'help' bathing hmm - and no, I think it is totally inappropriate to allow a new boyfriend to 'help' her.

Mogandme Tue 22-Jan-13 14:49:40

I wouldn't have an issue with a known male chatting to a 7 year old girl in the bath tub - ie he was stood in bathroom/hall; would have issues if it involved helping her bathe/get dry.

I wouldn't let him. I would be worried. Don't give her a piece of your mind though. Find out why. Did he want to, did she want him to, did the DD? And, call the NSPCC and see what they think.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 14:50:26

Should clarify that 'friend' had gone to work and left boyfriend to bathe the DC. I asked her if he actually 'bathed' her and she said that he'd gone in with her to help her wash.

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 14:50:43

No absolutely not. At 7 they are old enough to bath themselves unless she has sn. No not unless you know them very well and can trust them

No no no!!!!

Your friend needs you to tell her straight, for the sake of that little girl, who she isn't protecting/safeguarding, or taking her wishes and feelings into account.

Be there to keep talking to them both.

snowybrrr Tue 22-Jan-13 14:51:53

NO!

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 14:52:00

Even talking to them in the tub, this s a stranger not someone she knows well

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 22-Jan-13 14:52:29

No I don't even bath my 7 yr old as at 7 they are quite capable of washing their own selves! I would find it creepy.

Fairylea Tue 22-Jan-13 14:52:36

I don't think most 7 year old's need help washing?? Maybe I'm wrong... dd didn't. I would have just left it till I was home. A night being mucky wouldn't have hurt, especially as the boyfriend is new ... seems a bit odd to me.

Nothing wrong with dads or step dads or long term partners bathing kids, especially little ones.

Firstly, I think it's odd too.
I wouldn't have let a new boyfriend bath my DD at the age of 7.
But by then she wanted to be left to bath herself anyway.
But you might be a bit U if you 'give her a piece of your mind'!
You could bring it up in conversation and just mention it in passing but don't go in all guns blazing.
How old is she and how old is the BF?

"I asked her if he actually 'bathed' her and she said that he'd gone in with her to help her wash."

That is when most "incidents" happen, tbh.

Even if it is innocent, it doesn't sound as though the child is being taught much about personal bounderies.

Does she know this man well and for a length of time?

Catsdontcare Tue 22-Jan-13 14:53:43

Erm no it is not necessary help a 7 year old wash. I run ds's bath and leave him to it (but usually busy myself upstairs so I can hear him)

Otherworld Tue 22-Jan-13 14:53:47

No! I also agree with PP that at seven they don't need help beyond making sure they have everything they need within reach.

Crawling Tue 22-Jan-13 14:53:51

Not on imo

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 14:54:03

Mum is doing a poor job safeguarding that girl letting s virtual stranger look after the girl and bath her

PoppettyPing Tue 22-Jan-13 14:54:40

YADDDDNU. This is incredibly inappropriate. How long has she been seeing this guy? You'd think the boyfriend would have refused. I would definitely say something, very gently and carefully, but I would say something.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 14:55:11

Probably been together about 6 months and 'friend' is pregnant by him. She is 33 and he is around 24.

honeytea Tue 22-Jan-13 14:55:23

If it was a female friend or babysitter would it be ok? I look after my friends little girl and I supervise bath times, I don't actually help with the washing of her body but I get her towel ready and chat to her.

I think if its ok for a female friend it's ok for a male friend.

No, I didn't bathe my dp's 7 yo ds even when we lived together, but I did put my dd (3) and his dd (4) in together, then ds bathed himself while I supervised bedtime for the girls.

acceptableinthe80s Tue 22-Jan-13 14:56:55

So he actually got in the bath with her? And your friends ok with this?! Wrong on every level i'd say. Has she known him long? I think the majority of men would be very uncomfortable in this situation.
I would voice your concerns if I were you.

OwlLady Tue 22-Jan-13 14:57:36

new boyfriend, no

I suppose it's different if you have been with someone a long time

but he is having sole care of her anyway I presume at an early stage in their relationship? it's not just the bathing is it?

who used to look after her when she went to work?

BinarySolo Tue 22-Jan-13 14:58:52

It is odd but could it maybe be a misunderstanding? If she left him asking him to bath the kids and he's not used to children he may have assumed that a 7 year old would still need help. If it was a new gf helping a 7 year old boy would you think the same?

If he volunteered to do it, with no prompting at all or seemed very keen, then I'd be worried.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 14:59:03

No afaik he did not get the bath but helped her as she has long hair and it needed washing. I don't know, it made me quite angry when she mentioned it. `

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 14:59:19

Mabey she meant gone into the bathroom with her not the bath. No I would not and I would not doit myself unless I know the child well. Even then I would run the bath and leave them to it

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 14:59:49

I would tell her.

LaQueen Tue 22-Jan-13 15:00:42

No, no, no - totally inappropriate. Just wrong.

I didn't even bathe my own DDs at 7, they were perfectly capable of bathing themselves. Yes, I would probably be popping in and out of their bathroom collecting clothes, passing them a fresh towel, chatting - but that would be it.

Last year, one of my best friends supervised my DDs in the bath (they still needed a hand washing their hair) but she's known them since they were born, so totally different relationship. And at the time DH was in the house - but my BF knew she could get them whisked through bathtime far faster and with a lot less mess than DH, which was true.

OwlLady Tue 22-Jan-13 15:00:42

has he got children himself? younger sisters? it might be entirely innocent I agree. I am more hmm at your friend having a new relationship and just leaving the dd with him

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 15:01:47

No way. And definitely not in the bath together. A 7 year old girl should be learning about boundaries and this totally confuses things.

KumquatMae Tue 22-Jan-13 15:01:55

No, I wouldn't want anyone, of either sex, bathing my child after knowing them for that amount of time. Seven year olds don't need help and I know that mine would have been very uncomfortable with the situation.

HighBrows Tue 22-Jan-13 15:03:16

I would not be able to stop myself giving my friend a few home truths.
Your friend is setting up very bad boundaries for her daughter in the future. Reading this thread has made me feel very uncomfortable.

HighBrows Tue 22-Jan-13 15:04:43

Just to clarify I would not be comfortable with either sex bathing my children.

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 15:05:32

No. No. No.

No. No.

No.

And just in case you're unsure.

Absolutely not.

Doinmummy Tue 22-Jan-13 15:09:06

Absolutely not. I think it's odd that he wanted to do this. Totally inappropriate. The mother needs to be told.

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:01

God no, what on earth?!?

If he was 'normal', he'd not want to bath a new girlfriend's kids!! Any sane adult man would recognise there is boundaries which you just do not cross

And a seven year old child can bath themselves.

This is so wrong, how could anyone possibly think it was ok?!

FergusSingsTheBlues Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:12

I remember hating being bathed at 5, and that was my best friends mum.
Totally inappropriate.

SCOTCHandWRY Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:23

I think if its ok for a female friend it's ok for a male friend.

That is a ridiculously pc thing to say!

While it's true that women can be abusers, the truth is, most (almo) abuse is carried out by men, and those men can be very clever at worming their way into the confidence of the families of their victims... even getting into relationships with the mother or father of the child specifically to gain access to the child.
IMO any man who shows an interest in bathing the 7 year old child of his recent girlfriend is suspect. I'm sure that won't be a popular view but it's one backed up but a certain amount background knowledge (work related).

FreudiansSlipper Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:39

no

and I was not at all pleased when the ex's new girlfriend who had only just meet ds (4 at the time) bathed him and put him to bed

too much too soon no matter how long she has known him also given what her dd has been through she needs to take things even slower and she needs to get to know him better

Sugarice Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:39

Absolutely not, just wrong,wrong,wrong!!1

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 15:10:52

Wow, apologise for the grammar in that blush

HighBrows Tue 22-Jan-13 15:13:36

I just feel this would have/should have made the daughter uncomfortable too.
I'm really disturbed by this thread, why would anyone think it's ok for a virtually unknown adult to bathe a child.

CheungFun Tue 22-Jan-13 15:14:48

Just reading the thread title and I thought "No!".

DM had two relationships after splitting up with my father and I was 5 when she had the first new relationship and her boyfriend moved in and he never bathed me or put me to bed. I'd have a cuddle on the settee if i wanted and kiss his cheek to say goodnight before going upstairs but that was it.

I'm not sure how I'd deal if my friend was in the same situation as yours OP, but I guess talking to her about your misgivings would be the first thing and take it from there.

LittleChimneyDroppings Tue 22-Jan-13 15:15:57

Absolutely not. Why the heck would the mother ever think thats ok?

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Tue 22-Jan-13 15:16:43

I didn't reply the first time I read this, but I've been thinking about it.

A decent man wouldn't be up for that. It's clearly inappropriate.
It's deeply weird that her mother should leave him in sole care with the intention of him bathing her.

I don't know anything about your friend or her BF.

But women that take up with child abusing men (and there are plenty of each) often like to offer them the opportunity, partly as an "I trust you" thing and partly as a "go for it".

I'd be tempted to explain the situation to local police and see if the BF is listed as a sex offender, as the daughter might be in danger. If they don't think you are entitled to know, it might be worth saying what you know to the daughter's school's child protection officer. Someone needs to watch out for that little girl. Her mother isn't doing it.

EuroShagmore Tue 22-Jan-13 15:16:48

No. AFAI can remember, my own parents stopped popping into the bathroom when I was in there when I was around 8. They certainly were not inviting random men in to "help" when I was 7.

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 15:18:14

I'm surprised the girl hasn't said anything, my DD would have made it VERY clear aged 7 that she would wash herself or maybe she was excessively gobby

CailinDana Tue 22-Jan-13 15:19:50

No way. I was abused in the bath at age 6 by a friend of my mother's who volunteered to bathe me along with his own daughter, while they were staying with us. I remember that I didn't want to be bathed at all but my mother insisted. And so he had his opportunity, fully endorsed by my mother, which gave him free reign to carry on and do other things at a later stage. And seeing as my mother hadn't listened to my protestations about the bath I assumed she wouldn't be bothered about the other stuff so I didn't tell her. Perfect abuse situation.

Even if the bf wasn't an abuser, it's not fair to expect a 7 year old to be ok with being naked in front of man she doesn't know well - it shows a total lack of respect for her privacy and feelings.

SCOTCHandWRY Tue 22-Jan-13 15:19:52

* (almost all)

SirBoobAlot Tue 22-Jan-13 15:24:10

I think your 'friend' needs a reality check about suitable relationships, and boundaries.

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 15:24:35

women that take up with child abusing men (and there are plenty of each) often like to offer them the opportunity, partly as an "I trust you"

Sadly, I can vouch for that.

You could mention it to the local police. You won't have a right to know but if they look him up and find out there is something, they will be able to tell her mother and issue a safeguarding alert to SS who will come round and speak with her.

Obviously, someone will be along in a minute to tell us we're all scaremongering.

Even if this man doesn't pose a risk, a future boyfriend of her mother's might. As might another man in the future and she needs secure boundaries in place.

KellyElly Tue 22-Jan-13 15:24:59

Absolutely no fucking way. I would think it was strange that he was comfortable with it as well.

PickledInAPearTree Tue 22-Jan-13 15:25:53

No No No NO No.

And why would he want to?

Makes me shiver.

popcornpaws Tue 22-Jan-13 15:27:59

NO!!!!

MusicalEndorphins Tue 22-Jan-13 15:28:31

No, and if I were the 7 year old girl, I would not have co operated and run off.

KirstyoffEastendersweirdtoplip Tue 22-Jan-13 15:30:14

Totally inappropriate. Agree with Pickled - why would he want to?
Not sure a 'piece of your mind' would be the right approach, she might just get angry and shut you out.

sweetkitty Tue 22-Jan-13 15:33:18

Totally wrong

I have 8 and 7 yo DDs and I do not bathe them at all. Their Dad or I do wash their hair as its long and they would really struggle to do it themselves. They have a play in the bath, wash themselves then we pop in to do hair, they dry and dress themselves and we dry their hair.

Was actually thinking the other day now DD1 is approaching 9 that she maybe uncomfortable with her Dad seeing her naked.

Allaquandry Tue 22-Jan-13 15:34:30

This thread is totally weird.

Lets try another angle. 'New partner has moved in and we are expecting our first child together. I have to work evening shifts sometimes and don't always have time to wash DDs very long hair. She's 7 and I'm wondering if it would be ok to ask him to make sure she shampoos it properly. For all his faults (DV), ExH used to do it sometimes (and put her to bed too) and it feels like a natural thing for a SD to do, but don't know if it might be invading her privacy a bit. WWYD?'

I just don't see that kind of opening post attracting the same comments....

Portofino Tue 22-Jan-13 15:35:19

No - my dd is 8 and does not want ME touching her now - and dad is forbidden from the bathroom. I supervise hair rinsing and that is about it. I have given her a very clear message that it is HER body and she does not have to have anyone touching it if she doesn.t want to / feel uncomfortable.

cory Tue 22-Jan-13 15:37:33

Regardless of how innocent he may be, it's about the little girl's privacy and her boundaries.

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 15:37:34

Normally I am a bit cautious about scaremongering about abuse etc, but in this case I think it is right. What new boyfriend wants to sit in a bath with a 7 year old? This thread makes me more and more uncomfortable.

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 15:38:38

Helping to wash hair is one thing. Getting into the bath with her is something entirely different.

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 15:41:55

OP has clarified that as far as she knows he didn't get into the bath with her.

But I wouldn't be comfortable leaving someone else to bathe my children in the house alone.

KellyElly Tue 22-Jan-13 15:42:42

Allaquandry or we could try this from a grandmother's perspective "My daughter has moved in boyfriend she has only been seeing for 6 months and is now letting him bathe my 7 year old granddaughter. I feel this is very inappropriate and that he shouldn't be left unsupervised in this situation. AIBU"

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 15:43:47

My daughter is 6 and I wash her hair because it's very long but she washes herself.

atthewelles Tue 22-Jan-13 15:45:33

It sounds totally inappropriate and very irresponsible of the mother to do this. Also, most guys I know would feel very uncomfortable being put in this situation. I would worry that the boyfriend, as well as the mother, saw nothing wrong with this.

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Tue 22-Jan-13 15:49:07

Allaquandry to the mum I'd still say no, leave her alone. Better that she be a bit grubby til she gets the hang of it than naked for your boyfriend.

And women with children have to be extra careful when looking at partners because they are a group targeted by would be abusers. I remember my friend telling me about the summer she spent lying in a coal bin, hiding from her mum's boyfriend all day while her mum was out at work. This kind of shit is too commonplace to muck around with. He may be fine and lovely but it's not worth the chance.

BinarySolo Tue 22-Jan-13 15:49:46

I didn't think he did get in the bath with her. Op didn't say that did she or I have I missed something?

I agree with Allaquandry. It very much depends I'd what the full picture was. Bf is 24 so I'm guessing not used to kids so might have thought she needed more help than she actually did. He may have just popped in, rinsed her hair then left. How did the girl feel about it? The mother is probably thinking that they are a family now as they live together and are expecting a new baby.

Did the bf ask to bath her, or did the mother ask him to do it? Saying "can you bath dd", would be different to "make sure dd has a bath".

CailinDana Tue 22-Jan-13 15:51:01

Allaquandry - they have only been going out for 6 months. I know the pregnancy makes things a bit more serious, but I would be surprised if the new partner (man or woman) had even met the children, never mind be bathing them, after such a short time.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 22-Jan-13 15:55:46

No!
"Make sure she has a bath" yes

Surely he'd feel a bit awkward as well?!

ENormaSnob Tue 22-Jan-13 15:57:04

Absolutely inappropriate.

Tbh I would have huge concerns over any man that was ok with this.

omri Tue 22-Jan-13 15:57:19

no - awful - i am sure my 7 year old self would have felt enormously uncomfortable in that situation

TheSecondComing Tue 22-Jan-13 15:58:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeelingGuilty2013 Tue 22-Jan-13 15:59:13

Agree with ENorma absolutely not and any man that thinks this is appropriate would also hugely concern me!

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 22-Jan-13 15:59:28

As much as I think anybody who is not the child's actual parent should be assisting in the bathroom ( unless essential).

We have gone from helping a child wash her hair to he's in the bath with her call the police.

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 16:03:44

Sorry, I misread the bit about getting in the bath. I still think it is wrong. The little girl would have been naked in the bath. The mum can wash the hair when she's at home with her.

Ragwort Tue 22-Jan-13 16:05:00

Allaquandry - I repeat what Cailin says, the mother and BF have only been together for 6 months and the DD has already witnessed DV (see opening post); the mother introduced this new BF almost as soon as the father left home.

Of course we don't know all the facts but it all sounds horribly upsetting Jeremy Kyle ish for the young girl. sad

WantsToBeFree Tue 22-Jan-13 16:05:08

I wouldn't even be comfortable with the idea of her own father helping her bathe. The new boyfriend- definitely not! I find it rather disturbing to be honest.

It could be a cultural thing, because some cultures are very open about nudity etc.

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 22-Jan-13 16:06:40

Why would he want to?

I don't wash my 7 year old.

FreePeaceSweet Tue 22-Jan-13 16:09:32

This AIBU has the dubious honour of being the very first one to make my blood run cold just from the title.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 22-Jan-13 16:10:50

NO bloody way

And Cailin. That is just awful. It's just too easy for them to get away with it, isn't it?

AuntieMaggie Tue 22-Jan-13 16:13:35

Depends what 'help her wash' means...

When my 7 YO DN stays I help him get in and out of the bath cos its deep and sit chatting to him while he's in the bath, wash his hair and make sure he washes himself... to me that's helping him wash... I also help dry him apart from his 'bits' and put cream on his back, arms, legs, belly as he has eczema. I've always done this and didn't think there was anything wrong with it. He likes me to 'bath him'.

I can't help feeling that we don't actually know what the man in the OP actually did when bathing the child but he is being judged on just a little bit of information.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 16:16:05

Please accept my profuse apologies in advance but the little girl was me and the memory I have is of him scrubbing my body with a nailbrush.

It is only since I have been going through therapy that I have realised how this memory upsets me and panics me.

I needed to ask others opinions to make sure I'm not making more of it than I should be.

LesBOFerables Tue 22-Jan-13 16:17:19

It shows very poor judgement on the part of the mother, regardless of whether anything untoward is going on.

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 16:18:09

I don't think he even needs to be in the bathroom at any point at all when the DD is washing. Seriously, it's just not neccessary at all. He can help the mum out with the kids in other ways, but there is NO need for this.

This isn't paedo hysteria, it's respect for your children and common sense.

CailinDana Tue 22-Jan-13 16:18:13

Maggie you are the child's aunt, so you are a trusted member of the family. The bf is someone the mother has known for 6 months - surely you can see the difference??

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 16:19:01

Presumably though AuntieMaggie that, as his aunt, you have been in his life since the start. You have a relationship with him and with his parents.

Even without there being anything 'dodgy' about this man, the relationship he has with this little girl isn't comparable with the one you have with your nephew.

I'm a LP now and I wouldn't be thinking about introducing someone to my children at 6 months let alone allowing him to bathe my daughter in the house alone.

NellysKnickers Tue 22-Jan-13 16:20:44

7 yr old ds bathes himself pretty much. He would be so embarrassed if someone he didn't know that well saw him naked. This seems very odd.

CailinDana Tue 22-Jan-13 16:20:55

X-posted Teen - sorry to hear it was you.

Did the man stay in yours and your mother's life?

Ragwort Tue 22-Jan-13 16:20:55

Teen that is very sad, I hope you are getting support from the therapy? sad. You can tell by everyone's comments that it was totally inappropriate. I am sorry that you have such horrible memories.

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 16:21:15

I hope you don't get flamed for this Teen. I'm not surprised it's a troublesome memory for you now.

Your mother should have protected you.

I think your best advice OP is from those saying to speak with the police or the school. Or both. This is definitely strange.

My SILs ex was very interested in children; SIL had a 3.5 year old boy then and DD was a year old and he was always on at us to let them babysit. He was desperate for SIL to get pregnant so he could have a child of his own. This was enough of a red flag for me and we were so glad when SIL ended the relationship due to his controlling ways. TBH the fact that he is younger than her, she's already pregnant and he's living with her already, in addition to him being her first relationship following a violent one strike me as red flags. Him bathing the 7 year old DD is just the final straw.

(disclaimer: I'm not saying all age gaps are bad, nor that moving fast is neccessarily a bad thing either, but all combined make me uneasy due to similar looking relationships I've observed that have had worrying issues throughout)

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 22-Jan-13 16:21:51

Oh OP.

I am assuming there's other stuff that you remember as well

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 16:22:18

Yes, he is. I feel very angry and betrayed by my mother.

X-post Teen. I'm so sorry for you sad

CailinDana Tue 22-Jan-13 16:23:57

I feel more angry towards my mother than I do towards the man who abused me Teen because she had a duty to protect me and she didn't, instead she all but offered me up for abuse. Have you ever talked to her about how you feel?

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 16:24:40

Have you ever spoken with your mother about this?

Tbh, I can imagine the sort of thing she'd say. There are some very selfish and silly women around sad

NellysKnickers Tue 22-Jan-13 16:25:11

Oh Teen, that's awful, sending you an extremely unmumsnetty hug.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 16:25:32

No Jamie I have more or less a total memory block until secondary school age. I have always had that memory though. It's all very odd.

peacefuleasyfeeling Tue 22-Jan-13 16:25:58

Oh dear, I feel so sad this happened to you. It shouldn't have. Even going out to work, leaving you with a new boyfriend was not OK, not in my world, at least. Well done for taking this in to therapy.

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 16:26:08

Aw OP

What happened to you was wrong and there is absolutely no way you are over reacting

There's definitely a lot of paedo hysteria about, but there's a hell of a lot of genuinely awful things people turn a blind eye to. I'm amazed anyone on this thread has said the set up described in your OP 'could' be ok.

Keep on with the therapy, what an awful thng to have to have had to deal with. Stay strong x

AuntieMaggie Tue 22-Jan-13 16:26:58

I'm sorry Teen.

No actually washing you let alone with a nailbrush is not right.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 16:29:22

Thank you all for your best wishes. thanks

Therapy is helping but at times like today, I wish I had just stayed the panic stricken wreck I have been and not dredged all this up! It totally explains my over protectiveness to my DCs though.

HecateWhoopass Tue 22-Jan-13 16:31:12

My first thought when I read the OP was no. I would not. It isn't right. A new boyfriend. After such a difficult time for the child. The age of the child... not appropriate.

Then I read your later post where you disclose the child was you sad

It was inappropriate and I am not surprised that you have these feelings about it.

And a nailbrush? What the hell. That's just , well, I don't know why anyone would choose to use a nailbrush.

No way, for me this would set all sorts of internal alarm bells ringing. And any man with a smidgeon of awareness would feel uncomfortable with that whole situation too.

Oh jesus that will teach me to read the whole thread before posting, Teen I am so sorry

HighBrows Tue 22-Jan-13 16:33:40

Op I feel so sad for you, keep up the therapy.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 22-Jan-13 16:46:45

I think the memory block thing is quite common. I don't have as many childhood memories as other people seem to and i was abused too.

The nail brush thing sounds painful sad

LaQueen Tue 22-Jan-13 16:48:17

What makes me so sad, and my blood run cold - is that this woman has only known her partner for 6 months. That's nothing.

She's already pregnant by him - and I can't help but think this is some sort of fucked-up game for her, where she's deluding herself at how very close our relationship is, look we're a real family now, I'm going to make out that my DP is just like a real father, he can bathe her, put her to bed, just like a real father, because we're just that close, and everything will, will, will be perfect.

I've seen too many friends, single Mums, launch themselves frantically into a new relationship, so desperate to create that closeness and that bond again. But in their haste they forget to be sensible, and the only closeness they create is a false one. And it's ended in tears every time.

crashdoll Tue 22-Jan-13 16:48:45

Teen Sorry you're having a difficult day with these thoughts. On a personal level, some days I am fine with my own difficult thoughts and other times, I question myself and feel extra anxious. I don't know if you have the sort of theraputic relationship where you can text/email/phone on bad days or if writing helps but it can be productive to get it on paper and out of your head, even if no one else ever sees it. Also, just to add to the list of people who said this was wrong, it was very, very wrong and I'm truly sorry it happened to you. If you need some support, why not post a thread somewhere else on MN. I know it can get bitchy and argumentative in here but many people are really supportive, helpful and genuinely want to help. Take good care of yourself.

CailinDana Tue 22-Jan-13 16:49:59

I agree with fuckadoodle. I have an extremely clear memory of the bath incident but very little memory of the other abuse, even though I do know in a sort of intellectual way what happened IYSWIM. I could tell you what he did, but I have no actual recall of it happening. Huge parts of my childhood are completely blank.

leeloo1 Tue 22-Jan-13 16:50:54

'And a nailbrush? What the hell. That's just , well, I don't know why anyone would choose to use a nailbrush.'

I imagine because its cruel, would be uncomfortable/painful - depending how hard it was used - but would be within the remit of 'normal' (i.e. she was so muddy I had to use a nailbrush to get it off') if he was ever questioned on it. sad

OP I'm so sorry to hear this was happened you and I hope that therapy helps in the long run. Whilst it must be hard to dredge up these memories and deal with them, I think you're very brave for doing so. Please be kind to yourself. ([unmumsnetty hugs])

i'm so sorry teentwins. your mum failed you badly there.

just remember you are not her, you won't fail your kids and you didn't deserve it.

Oh, Teen. sad I'm so sorry this happened to you. You deserved much better and you were failed by those supposed to protect you. You are complely reasonable to be upset by this and I really hope therapy helps you.

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 17:08:17

I'm so sorry OP. I hope you're getting good support in RL.

LaQ I completely agree. Have seen it lots too.

IRCL Tue 22-Jan-13 17:24:02

sad Sorry you are having a shit day OP. It is inappropriate especially at 7.

This thread has me a little worried now, me and my partner live together, been together nearly 2 years and recently sometimes sits in the bathroom whilst DD has a bath, DD is just turned three. I am in the house but usually cooking dinner or something like that when DD decided to get messy poo in her knickers

I don't have any concerns and DP is great with her, she dotes on him and his family. In fact I think she dotes on him more than me!

Worried this is massively wrong now though, he washes her hair with a jug as I do. Sorry to thread hijack! I have known DP for years as well.

EuroShagmore Tue 22-Jan-13 17:24:21

OP, I'm very sorry that this happened to you. I hope the therapy helps.

Tailtwister Tue 22-Jan-13 17:28:06

No, definitely not! Even if she still needed help (washing her hair for instance), there's no way I would allow my new boyfriend in the bathroom, let alone 'help' her. At worst he's up to something, at best it's embarrassing for the little girl and inappropriate.

stephrick Tue 22-Jan-13 17:28:47

a big no, I would not find this comfortable at all, in fact i don't think i've seen my own children naked since they were 7, well maybe 8 .

insertsomethingwitty Tue 22-Jan-13 17:33:43

No definitely not. I have remarried and my husband never bathes my older two girls who are 5 and 6. He has been in their life for years but it's still not something he would feel comfortable with, he wouldn't be naked around them either. He is a very hands on father / step- father but no need at all for him to do those things.

Teen so sorry to hear what you went through.

GaryBarlowsPants Tue 22-Jan-13 17:45:57

YANBU - Alarm bells are ringing. A good friend of mine was abused whilst being bathed by her mother's 'friend'.
If I were you I wouldn't be able to stay quiet about this - your friend is deluded if she thinks this is Ok. Please say something. Even if she is defensive, you may plant a seed of doubt in her mind.

GaryBarlowsPants Tue 22-Jan-13 17:49:03

So sorry to all the posters on this thread who've been through similar - un MN-y hugs to you all ((((hugs))))

fallon8 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:22:18

You already know the answer yourself,you feel uneasy about this,,drop him like a hot cake

andtheycalleditbunnylove Tue 22-Jan-13 21:32:53

it is absolutely wrong.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 22-Jan-13 22:04:27

Why does a 7 year old need help washing herself, my 5 year old DD is perfectly capable, and i wouldnt want a strange man bathing my child.

Asamumnonsense Tue 22-Jan-13 22:12:01

New boyfriend? no its absolutely not ok! She surely at 7 can wash herself. It must be uncomfortable for the little girl.

makemineamalibuandpineapple Tue 22-Jan-13 22:18:50

No, definitely not. To me the fact that he is new is only part of the issue, the chances are he is a decent guy and nothing untoward would happen ever. However, at 7, she should be given personal boundaries and allowed privacy. I wouldn't go in with my own DS at that age. I am within shouting distance and will pop in if he's forgotten his towel but I won't stay in with him anymore. He's 9 now btw but it's been like this for at least 2 years.

ImperialBlether Tue 22-Jan-13 22:24:52

Read the thread!

rhondajean Tue 22-Jan-13 22:25:56

No definitely not, but I should also add I still help my 8 yo dd bath, I wash her back and neck and check behind her ears, she does arms legs body and bum, sometimes I go over her feet between toes erc and I still wash her hair. She likes this, if she started objecting I would stop, but she doesn't always get herself the cleanest (and she loves getting her back washed!). I'm not sure a 7 yo can properly clean themself on their own?

But a half - proper wash occasionally doesn't do any harm if you are washed regularly and I would never ask anyone apart from DH, her sister or her gran to help her wash.

makemineamalibuandpineapple Tue 22-Jan-13 22:30:34

I just need to clarify, are the OP and Teen the same person??

makemineamalibuandpineapple Tue 22-Jan-13 22:32:55

Sorry I said that wrong blush Does the OP mean she is the little girl in her original post?

Asamumnonsense Tue 22-Jan-13 22:33:19

Oh sorry Teen! I did not read all the posts. Sorry about the bad feeling resurfacing! I am also so overprotective of my 5 years old and that it because it also happens to me when i was a child.. Therapy is a good way of dealing with it, it really helps. keep these sessions.

DeepRedBetty Tue 22-Jan-13 22:37:11

Yes makemine she is.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Tue 22-Jan-13 23:08:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Tue 22-Jan-13 23:16:25

sorry only read pg1. asked for post to be withdrawn.

lotsofdogshere Wed 23-Jan-13 09:42:09

I'd be very worried about this, it is totally inappropriate on so many levels.

expatinscotland Wed 23-Jan-13 09:43:30

I'd report this, tbh.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 23-Jan-13 09:57:12

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Did other things happen? Do you still see your mother and him, do your children see them? I hope therapy helps you confront her. She let you down. Badly.

mrsjay Wed 23-Jan-13 09:58:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhateverTrevor Wed 23-Jan-13 10:05:31

Wish people would read the thread before posting.
Glad you're getting help op

halfthesize Wed 23-Jan-13 10:14:36

OP this is so sad, I hope the therapy helps you. There really r some awful people out theresad

Branleuse Wed 23-Jan-13 10:16:28

It wasnt OK op. Im sorry youve been through this and had to blank things out.

Big hugs. You are not overreacting x

CrapBag Wed 23-Jan-13 10:24:20

Oh no thats awful Teen. I remember my dads friend (who I had known for years) accidently walked in the bathroom once when I was in the bath, I was a little older than 7 but he was absolutely horrified and left asap. Thats how any normal man would react.

Your mother let you down. Does she know how you feel or about the therapy? Is she still with him? What about the baby they had together?

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