To not want df to go out every night?

(62 Posts)
PrettyKitty1986 Mon 21-Jan-13 22:32:34

I don't mean on the lash. Df has decided he wants to get fit and has started this new 'insanity' fitness plan. Basically, it's an 8 week programme where you work out for an hour, 6 days a week, following a high intensity DVD. He's doing it with a work mate, and going to his house every evening after work (to do it in his mates garage...he couldn't do the work out at home as there's a lot of jumping aound and we don't have the ceiling height).
Anyway, he's been finishing work at 6, coming home for a quick change and to say goodnight to the kids, then leaving, and getting back anywhere between 9 and 10pm. It's only been a week and I'm pissed off with him rushing off every evening and spending no time together.
The final straw was tonight...he got home at 10 and I must have had a bit of a face on because he asked me what was wrong so I (quite diplomatically) told him how I feel. His response was 'I'm doing it to get fit! Loads of blokes are in the pub every night, you should feel lucky I'm not doing that'. Cue lots of sarcastic responses from me about oh, yes, lucky me' etc (he instantly knew he'd said the worst thing possible because he's currently in the kitchen making the lunches for tomorrow as meek as anything).
Anyway, to wrap up...AIBU? It sounds melodramatic but I can see our relationship suffering with him being out every night for the next seven weeks. He can't see it though. But now, if he stops because of me, I'm the unreasonable misses who keeps him chained to the house plus he'll probably resent me for I have a feeling I can't really win hmm.

squeakytoy Mon 21-Jan-13 22:56:25

My thoughts would be how much peace and quiet I would get, control of the tv, and time to myself.

TheCraicDealer Mon 21-Jan-13 22:59:13

Does he usually stick at things? Most people I know would not hack that shit for 8 weeks. Once the novelty of seeing his work chum every night wears off he'll be looking excuses to stay at home.

susanann Mon 21-Jan-13 23:01:24

Does he have to be out so long?

deleted203 Mon 21-Jan-13 23:02:58

confused. I think you're right that you can't win, TBH. I can sort of see where you're coming from, although I'm in the 'hooray - MY time' camp with squeaky if I'm honest. What time do you go to bed? Can you not spend 10 - 11 pm with him for some 'couple' time and grit your teeth for the next few weeks? I would tell him that if you DO support him during this mad stage that you will expect him to accept that after this the gym time would need to reduce to a couple of times a week. With any luck his enthusiasm might fade within a couple of weeks anyway, and he might fall by the wayside, so I wouldn't be the 'unreasonable' sod who stopped him from doing it if I was in your shoes.

MrsMushroom Mon 21-Jan-13 23:04:12

Are you annoyed because you''re doing the baths etc alone...DC teas and all that or because you're not seeing him?

If it's because you're not seeing him yABU because he can do his own thing if he's a temporary thing isn't it...not permanent. If my DH tried to tell me not to persue a hobby I'd be hmm

YABU - it's six days a week for seven weeks. If that will cause your relationship to suffer then how strong is it really?

I say this as a former Army wife (DH retired from Forces not divorced lol!) who went away with no contact for 7-8 weeks at a time every few months and 6-9 months at a time every other year. It made our relationship stronger if anything. I actually quite like some alone time.

Obviously my example is extreme if you haven't lived that lifestyle - but many, many people live with shift patterns or partners who work away for long periods of time and make their relationships work. They (and me when DH was in the Army) would be thrilled just to have their OH home every night.

I think it's not a long time, it's not every day, and it will soon pass. Plus all the good tv is starting now and you will get sole control of the remote.

He clearly really wants to do this - so maybe you could support him in this personal goal, rather than pulling faces at him when he comes home.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 21-Jan-13 23:05:00

Thoughts are

It is good he is getting fit.
Why is he out so long - if it is an hour, then why is he out for 2-3?
Did he discuss it with you before he started doing it?
Do you have kids? Because if you do then he is making a massive assumption about childcare.

TheCraicDealer Mon 21-Jan-13 23:08:37

If he's still at in every night three weeks into the program then fair enough, that's admirable. But in your next discussion point out that the evenings are your free time just as much as his. If he continues it's because it's a joint decision, nor because he's magnanimously decided he'll spend 2-3 with his mats every evening.

YANBU. He is behaving as if he is a single man with no responsibilities except to his work mate.

And why the hell is he getting home so late? The DVD is an hour. Shouldn't it be nearer 8pm when he gets back (which would be acceptable to me)?

MrsMushroom Mon 21-Jan-13 23:11:34

Oh my God.

I can't believe people think it's normal to control your Dh's hobbies like this! People can still grow as individuals once they're in a relationship Whereyouleftit

Yfronts Mon 21-Jan-13 23:11:56

i actually don't know any blokes who go down the pub every night.

I think it's great he is getting fit and I recon an hour or two most nights for the next 7 weeks is fine. It's quite good he has some time doing something else non work and non family.

I also think you should be going out too though. Also you need to get him to agree some regular nights in with you. Maybe he should cut down to 5 nights?

PrettyKitty1986 Mon 21-Jan-13 23:19:27

It's an hour work out but there's a (I think) 15 minute warm up and down either end and his colleague lives a 15 minute drive away.
It's a bit of both, and some of it is selfish of me...yes I'm doing baths and bed routine alone which feels weird because 90 % of the time we do it together. I enjoyed the peace for the first couple of days but that's worn off and now I'm just bored. There's not really time to get time in the evening because he's coming home and going straight in the bath to ease his muscles hmm and then it's bed time.
In regards to making faces at him...he got a proper strip on when I reminded him he couldn't do this Wednesday as I have my monthly curry and quiz night with work (something I have done regularly for months now so he knows about it). He reluctantly 'agreed' but that's kind of a sticking point too, the emphasis being on 'reluctantly'...fair enough he wants to get fit but by him announcing that he's unavailable every night for two whole months, that makes any potential social life I may have null and void.

ChaoticintheNewYear Mon 21-Jan-13 23:20:32

What is so wrong with the OP wanting to spend some time with her DF confused

Also what happens if the OP would like to go out somewhere, maybe do a hobby of her own that would take her out of the house? Why is it okay for him to expect her to do all the childcare 6 out of 7 nights?

MrsMushroom, his 'hobby' leaves the OP stuck at home in sole charge of the DC (how kind of him to say goodnight to them as he leaves) with no opportunity to take part in a hobby herself. And it sounds as if there was no discussion with the OP prior to starting this regime, when she might have been able to point that out. If anyone is in control of what the other is doing, it is the OP's DF.

Will his heart be able to cope with all this if he has not exercise much for a while?

That would be my only concern.

PaellaUmbrella Mon 21-Jan-13 23:27:55

YANBU. It's over the top.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 21-Jan-13 23:28:17

MrsMushroom - the DH is being the controlling one by unilaterally removing himself from family life for so much time. As evidenced by the reluctant agreement to give this a miss one night this week so that the OP can go out.

I am all for everyone having their own life, but when there are small children to be looked after then adult hobbies have to take a back seat.

DeepRedBetty Mon 21-Jan-13 23:29:19

blushRead op twice before remembering df also means darling fiance as well as dear dad...

It's swallowing up a big chunk of premium time. Three nights a week would have been reasonable on an eight week health kick. Maybe going for a run (when it's thawed out again!) on the others, which he can do from home and for less time, if he really doesn't want to lose momentum.

MrsMushroom Mon 21-Jan-13 23:29:31

Whereyouleftit it's for 8 weeks! Not permanently! If I posted on here saying "I really want to do this fitness programme...I work and when I get home it means I have to go out for two hours 6 days a week for 8 weeks...and DH wont let me"

There'd be a riot.

MrsMushroom Mon 21-Jan-13 23:30:21

Allibaba his course is an 8 week one...he wants to complete it. Why can/t the OP have her night out after the course? Or get someone else to babysit?

CloudsAndTrees Mon 21-Jan-13 23:31:02

I think you need to agree that it's just an 8 week thing, and then after that he has to cut it down to one or two nights a week, or something that doesn't take up quite so much time. During the 8 weeks, he needs to agree that he won't go out at all on his own at the weekends, because his priority is his family, and this fitness thing he's trying to achieve.

It's good that he has a goal and I think that because its a short term thing that's going to be good for him, you should be supportive. It would be unreasonable of you to try and stop him from doing it, and it doesn't say much for your relationship if you think It will suffer for the sake of just 8 weeks.

Maybe he could go out a little later just to help the bed/bath routine?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 21-Jan-13 23:34:05

But the OPs night out is something she does regularly, why should she give it up?
And why shouldn't it be her DH who is sorting the babysitting.

You sound like one of those women who think that men must be allowed to do what they like at all times, and women must run round facilitating and fit their own lives in around it.

There are plenty of people on MN who do the Insanity DVD, half a thread full of them. But they all fit it in around other family commitments rather than using it as a reason to disappear out for the entire evening 6 days a week.

Hobbitation Mon 21-Jan-13 23:39:26

I can't believe people think it's normal to control your Dh's hobbies like this! People can still grow as individuals once they're in a relationship Whereyouleftit

And what if the OP wants to get fit, go to the gym, Zumba or Pilates once or twice a week?

8 weeks is quite a long time to give up 6 evenings out of 7. I wouldn't mind if DH did it, as long as he got up early to do it say on a couple of mornings so he'd be back in the evening. And if he asked me about it first! You don't just take up a hobby, even if temporary, if it affects family life massively.

MrsMushroom Mon 21-Jan-13 23:48:14

Hobbit well she should be able to...but her Dh got in first! It's not a lietime commitment! It's an intense course...of 8 weeks.

Hardly life altering stuff.

If couples can't support one another's endeavors to grow and improve then they're going to struggle.

Of course he could miss one session so OP can do her thing...if she can't get another babysitter. But I would fully expect my Dh to support me in a projject such as the OPs DH and he would too....

MrsMushroom Mon 21-Jan-13 23:50:06

Alibaba you couldn't be further from the truth. I think PEOPLE should have freedom...even if they're in a monogamous's about give and take.

My life has not stopped because I am in a DH supports me in all my undertakings and it's mutual.

Lyrasilvertongued Mon 21-Jan-13 23:54:07

It sounds to me like the OP is in sole charge of dcs all day and then is expected to continue with sole responsibility all evening- as a relatively new mum I long for the sound of DH coming home to take over for a wee bit with dd so I can get even 5 minutes peace to myself (that he gets during coffee/lunch breaks at work). I'd be really hurt if he decided to do something like this too and I don't think that makes me controlling, I think it means we have an equal partnership where one persons desires don't automatically get priority. I also wouldn't assume he would be free every evening to allow me to do something like this (--though I'm far too lazy too!--) not least because I actually enjoy spending time with him. YANBU -although in my opinion those calling you controlling are!

MrsHoarder Mon 21-Jan-13 23:55:17

The children change things. Yanbu, he would presumably be the first to complain if you decided you didn't fancy parenting for 8weeks. If there were no children then it would be a case of evaluating your priorities and finding yourself something fun to do, but you can't bothact life you have no responsibilities

Hobbitation Mon 21-Jan-13 23:59:23

I'm guessing you don't have kids yet MrsMushroom.

BackforGood Tue 22-Jan-13 00:02:22

OP, would it be feasible for him to come in, help with, or do bath and bed time, then go out then (except on curry night?).
Like some others, I'm quite happy when dh is out for the evening or away for a week or two as it means a peaceful night with TV or PC being available for what I want, when I want, etc., and I can see the point that this is not forever, but a fairly short term thing (if he sticks with it), and a good thing for his health and wellbeing too, without costing a lot. All that said, I remember when mine were little and it was easier to have 2 of you about for bath and bedtime I know.

Yfronts Tue 22-Jan-13 00:04:52

Well it's only short term. Let him crack on with it and then you should have a girlie weekend away or something.

PrettyKitty1986 Tue 22-Jan-13 00:10:27

It's also the assumptions that gets to me. Telling me he's doing this for 2 months, not discussing it with me iyswim? I work 4 days a week btw, so I'm not with the Dc ( who are 2 and 4) all day every day, I do get time away (in work!) too.

MrsMushroom Tue 22-Jan-13 00:11:41

You're guessing wrong hobbit DH and I have two.

PrettyKitty1986 Tue 22-Jan-13 00:17:55

I do appreciate the comments though...I'll try and suck it up I think, on the clear understanding that this 8 weeks is a one off. Maybe I'll decide to do the insanity workout once he's done with it and disappear up to my mums every night for a while smile

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 22-Jan-13 06:33:38

I think the point if a fitness DVD is that you can do it at hone. Can't his mate come to yours half of the time? It would save your DF on the travelling time do he could sort the kids out.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 06:43:57

YANBU please don't think you are.

Your DH has decided to go out 6 nights out of 7 for eight weeks without consulting you, leaving you with all the childcare and is begrudging about your regular commitment within that time.

Damn straight if this was a woman posting she was doing this this I'd tell her SWBU.

JusticeCrab Tue 22-Jan-13 06:51:03

A number of factors decide whether YABU or not. I can't decide one way or the other. But...

...does he need to shed the pounds? If so, put up with it for 8 weeks. Does he not really need it? If so, then don't.

Alternatively: does he have a history of coming up with hare-brained schemes to get out of the house regularly? If so, then he shouldn't be doing this. But if it's the first time he's tried anything like this, just let him do it. The kids have gone to bed by the time he leaves, so it's not like it's disadvantaging them in any way.

JusticeCrab Tue 22-Jan-13 06:55:02

Actually, my last comment is null and void, because you've said that you usually do bed/bathtime together, but now it's been left to you 90 per cent of the time. In that context YANBU to be upset by the sudden massive decrease in output from him.

Joiningthegang Tue 22-Jan-13 06:56:03

I thonk ya bit u - its for 8 weeks - if you have something on then grt a babysitter or make that his night off.

Enjoy the peace - but as someone else said i would ask i he will do/help with bath and bed before he goes back out.

If hr thinks you are arsey or controlling and you feel bitter the next 2 months will be horrible for everyone.

Just remember "this too will pass" - it is also one in the bank for the future.

If i had a df who told me what i can and cant do and made me feel bad about it i would be reconsidering them becoming a dh

MammaTJ Tue 22-Jan-13 06:58:57

There could be a middle ground here. He finishes work at 6, does he get home at 6.30 or does he work further away than that?

Assuming he gets in half an hour after finishing work, quickly changes and goes to his friends, gets there at 7 at the latest. An hour and a half to do the whole thing, 8.30, leaves to come home to you,home by 9 at the latest.

Growlithe Tue 22-Jan-13 07:00:07

If you've got children you can't commit to something like this. He usually does bath and bedtime with them, so it's unfair on them to go to a quick kiss goodnight for eight weeks. There are plenty of ways to get fit around the children's routine.

gosh wouldn't it be wonderful as a parent to decide i was going out 6 nights a week for 2 months solid!

much more wonderful than being told you would not be able to leave the house 6 nights a week for 2 months solid.

yanbu imo because you are not a house elf but a coparent and partner. this is treating you like the former not the latter.

and presumably that means he does absolutely bugger all at home 6 days a week for 2 months. so not only is the OP in sole charge of childcare for two months but will be busy doing all of his washing, ironing, cleaning etc

i'm seriously in the wrong game - i have to work, look after my child and shock, horror wash and sort his and my own clothes. what a privilege to just be able to drop into your home to have a cuddle with your kids, sleep in a clean bed and get dressed in clean clothes and disappear off again without a worry.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 07:12:44

All those saying OP IBU, can you please rock up at home tonight and tell your OHs that you will be out 6 nights out of 7 for two months and report back tomorrow? Thanks.

CSIJanner Tue 22-Jan-13 07:15:43

Quit pro quo - what have you decided to do for 6 nights a week for 8 weeks when his insanity intense workout has finished? Have you told him? And how did he react? He probably won't see it from your point of view until you place him in your shoes.

DeSelby Tue 22-Jan-13 07:19:33

YANBU. I would be very cross if my DH removed himself from our home every evening like this. Great that he's getting fit, but hardly fair to leave all the childcare and chores up to you.

Could he do this in his lunchtime or before work instead?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 07:19:56

Saf, fancy coming on an intensive Mandarin course with me? It's alright, the childcare pixies and the housework elves will cover us whilst we improve ourselves.

mrsstewpot Tue 22-Jan-13 07:20:12

Exactly what swallowed said. I would love to bugger off for 6 out of 7 evenings each week and not have to deal with tea, bath and bed time not to mention tidy up and prepare for the next day.

MrsMushroom are you seriously saying OP can't have her weekly respite for 2 months?

So what if it's just a one off intensive course. I'd be seriously worried about the OP's state of mind at the end of it.

i don't fancy mandarin snatch but could go for something like an intensive relaxation course 6 nights a week for two months if you fancy it?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 07:23:45

Sounds good. I'll tell DH and the fantasy creatures tonight.

tbf though snatch i'd do an intensive course in watching paint dry if it meant house elves came and took over all of my responsibilities outside of work for a couple of months.

redexpat Tue 22-Jan-13 07:25:21

Couldn't he get up early in the morning and do it? Are there shower facilities at his place of work?

given the chance redex would you get up earlier in the morning to work out or do it in the evening so you could get out of all home stuff and hang out at your mates house?

littlewhitebag Tue 22-Jan-13 07:28:33

I would be well pissed off if my DH did this - and my kids are pretty much grown up. No company in the evening for 8 weeks! He is being very selfish and i would be complaining my arse off.

ithaka Tue 22-Jan-13 07:32:12

He can do the DVD at home some nights - that is bullshit about the ceiling heights. My friend is doing it at home and she lives in a weeny wee low ceiling cottage.

It is compromising that makes marriages last and you both need to do that - how about your partner does the DVD at home half the time and with his mate half the time? That sounds totally reasonable to me. You are not stopping him pursuing his new hobby and he is not stopping you getting a night out.

Good luck.

AmandaCooper Tue 22-Jan-13 07:38:28

YANBU. And it is nothing like having a DP in the forces or otherwise working away. There are loads of perfectly good ways to get fit that don't involve you unilaterally releasing yourself from all your family responsibilities for 6 nights out of 7 for 8 weeks. I can't believe people think he is being reasonable!

karatekimmi Tue 22-Jan-13 07:38:31

I'd be seriously pissed off if my DH removed himself from family life like this. I would be on strike apart from the bare minimum and walking out at the weekend, maybe a health spa day, Or a long hike to improve your fitness? I imagine if you do the same to him afterwards 8 weeks of 6 night off I bet he sees it differently.
If he wants to get fit, why can't he sprea it Over 4 months and do 3 workouts a week? It would be far easier for the family life.

IsabelleRinging Tue 22-Jan-13 07:50:15

What's a Df?

AmandaCooper Tue 22-Jan-13 07:54:46

Dear fiancé

cory Tue 22-Jan-13 07:57:36

My response would depend entirely on how understanding the df was if I wanted to spend 6 nights out of 7 away from the dc on my hobby. If it's about mutual accomodation, that would be fine. If it's about "well, I can do this because lots of blokes do"- then that's a different story.

But no plans which seriously impact on the other partner's freedom will be laid in this house without previous discussion.

And if the df doesn't realise this impacts on the OPs freedom, then that suggests that he sees her as a useful household implement that will be around in any case.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 22-Jan-13 08:01:48

YY cory. And the fact his response was "well at least I'm not down the pub like loads of blokes" is a worry.

susanann Tue 22-Jan-13 10:59:17

I do think hes being unreasonable given the circumstances. Also once hes done the 8 weeks what will he be doing to maintain his fitness?

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