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to be fed up with DSS2 staring at DD when she's sleeping on my exposed boob?

(231 Posts)
Enfyshedd Mon 21-Jan-13 19:28:43

DSS2 is 6, DD is 8mo.

I'll admit that DSS2 has been irritating me a bit recently (like constantly losing his school shoes in his room by chucking his comics, toys & dirty laundry on top of them and when he nearly brained DD yesterday with a wooden shape sorter toy when he lost his grip when swinging it around angry), but kneeling up on a chair to stare at a sleeping, BFing DD is really bugging me right now.

Anyone have any ideas on how to get him to stop looking?

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 19:30:00

Sounds endearingly cute to me.

I thought you were going to say he was 16 or something.

Tweasels Mon 21-Jan-13 19:30:42

Why don't you want him to look?

AnyFucker Germany Mon 21-Jan-13 19:31:27

Do you not like him much ?

baremadness Mon 21-Jan-13 19:31:30

Yabu. He is 6

AnnIonicIsoTronic Mon 21-Jan-13 19:31:38

Well, put away your boob hmm

(hormonal pfb?)

he's six hmm

Why not talk to him? Chat about what he feels when staring at the baby, keep it calm and unjudgy. He might surprise you with his answers.

somedayma Mon 21-Jan-13 19:31:55

Sounds like you don't like him v much

JeezyOrangePips Mon 21-Jan-13 19:32:15

He's 6.

Just ask him to go and get a book and you'll read together. Of tell him to go play. Or tidy his room.

It shouldn't be too difficult to think of a distraction for a bored 6 year old.

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 19:33:49

Honestly, he's gazing (adoringly?) at his cute, sleeping baby sister. What is there to be annoyed about?

HoneyDragon Mon 21-Jan-13 19:33:57

He's six she's his sister your mnetting it's just a boob.

Wingdingdong Mon 21-Jan-13 19:35:09

It's normal curiosity. DD was like that with DS. A friend's DS (5) was full of questions, came and sat next to me and wanted "a better look"! Nothing to do with step anything , he's probably not seen a BFing baby at close quarters.

Use a muslin over your shoulder to screen yourself. The huge ones are really useful (jj cole, Aden + Anais on Amazon both do, Boden has them too) and you can use them for sun shields, buggy sheets, impromptu towels etc.

gordyslovesheep Germany Mon 21-Jan-13 19:35:14

wow - he's SIX - seriously - stop

He's 6? looking lovingly/curiously/inquisitively/comfortably/boredly at his ds and sm. what's your problem?
If he's curious about bfing talk to him about it. Plenty of adults will pass an inquisitive look at a bfing woman and they presumably understand it. He's a little boy ffs.

RedHelenB Mon 21-Jan-13 19:36:08

DS has a fascination with boobs cos he does n't have them!!!

But it sounds as though dss is fascinated by his new sister which is fair enough surely? You can bf discreetly you know if he is making you feel uncomfortable.

pigletmania Mon 21-Jan-13 19:36:57

Yabvvu Mabey he's curious, don't flash your boob than! Use a muslin or put your top dwn a bit. He's only 6 fgs, you don sound lik you like him very much

silverfrog Mon 21-Jan-13 19:37:08

umm, it's what 6 year olds do. thy're curious, and my not have seen a feeding baby before.

and before you say 'yes, but dd is 8mo now', my dd2 (nearly 6) was just chatting to me today about 6mo ds feeding, and looking/staring, and commenting, and asking about boobs and nipples etc. and she's seen ds feed (several times) every day since he was born!

fwiw, my dsd does too, and she is a teenager (well, we don't have the same discussions re: boobs and nipples grin). she too, has not seen many babies feeding, and is getting closer to the age she might have one, and is interested.

just one of those things.

why do you want him not to look?

ImperialBlether England Mon 21-Jan-13 19:37:08

But some six year olds can give you the creeps by the way they stare at your breasts when you're feeding! Not all children are nice!

But cover yourself up, ffs, OP! It's easily sorted, isn't it?

Back2Two Mon 21-Jan-13 19:37:29

Sounds like he might be seeking your attention too. He's six, and she's 8months. He's hiding shoes and swinging toys and trying to be a part of the lovely cosy moments you're sharing with her. Maybe he's trying to join in.

If it's the staring at the boob you're worried about, cover your boob or better still just forget it. He's six and boobs are natural.

coldcupoftea Mon 21-Jan-13 19:37:52

YABU. Firstly he's 6, he's interested in his baby sister. Secondly, if she's asleep why not put your boob away?! Or cover up a bit if you don't want him to look.

dischordant Mon 21-Jan-13 19:38:45

He's presumably part of your family? You wouldn't talk about your biological son like that so why him? He's only six, bless him.

Backtobedlam Mon 21-Jan-13 19:38:57

He sounds like a sweetheart, probably just interested. My ds often asks all sorts about babies...how they grow, how they're made, what they eat, it's natural curiosity. I'd be so upset if someone was talking about my son like that OP, please be a big more sensitive to his needs as well as your newborns.

YABU, he's only six!

josie81 Mon 21-Jan-13 19:39:23

If it bothers you then put a blanket over yourself discreetly and distract him gently. Poor kid is probably just curious. Plus the 'irritating' behaviour sounds like fairly standard 6yo boy stuff to me. Please don't embarrass or upset him by making this a big deal or you will make him resent his sister. I feel a bit sad for him to be honest.

helpyourself Mon 21-Jan-13 19:39:23

Sad thread. Does he live with you?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 21-Jan-13 19:39:29

Cover yourself up once she's asleep, distract him by talking to him, And with all due respect, get a agrip,and realise that,mas much as you are probably tired and stressed, he's probably going through all sorts of emotional stuff which may be affecting his behaviour. He may look huge to you, but he's still a little boy

Tweasels Mon 21-Jan-13 19:39:52

"But some six year olds can give you the creeps by the way they stare at your breasts when you're feeding!"

Really?

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 19:40:18

"But some six year olds can give you the creeps by the way they stare at your breasts when you're feeding! Not all children are nice!"

I don't understand how a young child can "give you the creeps by they way they stare at you". I think .you are ascribing adult, sexual feelings to a small person who is just naturally curious.

wongadotmom Mon 21-Jan-13 19:40:23

YABVU. He is only six!

Let him have some booboob!

Back2Two Mon 21-Jan-13 19:41:18

Totally agree vinegar

DoItToJulia Mon 21-Jan-13 19:42:01

Oh, he's six. Poor boy just wants to see what's going on. He needs to be involved and loved, this is a strange time for him.

I feel quite sorry for him sad

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 19:42:11

There are more than a few six year olds out there who are still BFing or have a recent memory of it!

apostropheuse Mon 21-Jan-13 19:42:45

Oh I feel sorry for that wee boy. What harm is he doing looking at you breastfeeding?

You sound as though you really dislike him. I hope he hasn't realised that yet.

There's nothing wrong with him looking at his baby sister feeding. If you really can't stand it for goodness sake just cover yourself more and give the little boy a break.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 21-Jan-13 19:42:55

By his behaviour, i meant the messiness etc, not the staring.

AnnIonicIsoTronic Mon 21-Jan-13 19:43:37

You'd love my six year old then - he checked out his baby sister bf & asked if he could have some!!! grin

nilbyname Mon 21-Jan-13 19:43:47

Poor DSS! And I am not surprised you are finding him "difficult". New SM, new baby, new home life set up, dad uprooted and met someone new/ left the familiar picture. Phew, and he is only 6.

Grip, get one. And a bit more patience.

VBisme Mon 21-Jan-13 19:43:54

Poor kid, he's probably just curious. You really don't sound like you like him very much.
Does your DH sort out the missing shoes etc?

LittleChimneyDroppings Mon 21-Jan-13 19:44:12

Poor little kid. He's 6. Cover them up if you dont want him to look. Although I would imagine he's looking at his sister, not your boobs.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Mon 21-Jan-13 19:44:38

YABVU, he's 6 and showing natural curiosity!

hiddenhome Mon 21-Jan-13 19:44:52

He's obviously growing into a sex pest. Get rid of him immediately hmm

Branleuse Mon 21-Jan-13 19:44:57

sad poor lad.

My ds2 (5) and dd (4) are always trying to get a look/feel of my boobs if they see my in the buff. I am not creeped out by it at all. Tbh, I think even back when i was breastfeeding, most kids would look if they saw. Its not sexual, its just curious.

I think you might need to rebuild your relationship with the little boy unless you want to seriously encourage rivalry with your pfb?
Put your boob away and invite him over for a cuddle too

thegreylady Mon 21-Jan-13 19:44:57

He is doing nothing wrong.he is fascinated by the whole 'baby' thing.
I hope you love him op and give him lots of cuddles and let him feel he has a share in the baby[his baby sister].

DoItToJulia Mon 21-Jan-13 19:45:21

Oh, I forgot. YABVU and more than a bit unkind

silverfrog Mon 21-Jan-13 19:45:48

AnnIonic - my 8 year old asks the same! She curls up on my lap, and tells me she is still my baby grin

Back2Two Mon 21-Jan-13 19:46:38

Well, my sons both go on about "boobies" and milk and I'm not breast feeding at all! Haven't done for 3 years now. It's natural...soon they'd rather die than think about their mum's boobs! grin

Ds1 was 8 when ds2 was born he would sit and watch me feed the baby, he was just enjoying being with us.

Its not creepy 6 is still very young

Astley Mon 21-Jan-13 19:49:16

Poor wee boy! He's curious, looking at his sister. DS is 5 and does it all the time. You sound really mean.

Tweasels Mon 21-Jan-13 19:49:22

I always think it's great for children to see babies being breastfed as it normalises it.

Obviously not when people find it "creepy" though confused

MrsBungleBear Mon 21-Jan-13 19:49:42

YABU. How sad. He is 6. My DD was always staring/questioning/poking me when I was BF DS.

Goldenbear Mon 21-Jan-13 19:51:09

Living up to the stereotype here OP- does your mirror remind you that you are indeed 'the fairest in the land'?

Angelico Mon 21-Jan-13 19:53:50

There's something really nasty about this post OP. Maybe because my nephew aged 5 also stares at me and his mum bfing his new cousin and brother respectively. He also tends to come right up and put his face close. It's because he's fascinated by the babies. He loves their faces / tiny hands / tiny feet etc. It's beautiful seeing his curiosity.

There's something really unpleasant and hostile in your tone for a 6 year old child. As others have said it sounds like you don't like him. I hope you're a v new mum and it's just hormones talking. If not, you need to get to the bottom of whatever is bugging you so much before you cause an issue for your DSS.

I'm not normally especially sentimental but something about the way you wrote really made me angry and sad. A six year old child is innocent. You're making it sound like he's doing something wrong. Why don't you get him to sit down peacefully beside you, let him ask questions, give him some quiet time with you and baby?

PassMeTheWino Mon 21-Jan-13 19:54:13

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Zipitydooda Mon 21-Jan-13 19:54:35

Your post is rather sad. Breastfeeding is a beautiful thing, sharing such moments with your family is close and loving.
It's normal for a 6yo to do what your DSS is doing in losing stuff, it's also normal for a 6yo to act up when there's a new baby.
You could use the time he's with you when you're feeding to reassure him in your feelings for him. Please don't get annoyed, I'm sure you have baby only feeds when he's at school.
He'll probably be a father in the future, you have a role to play in fostering his nurturing side.

Smudging Mon 21-Jan-13 19:54:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poor chap, a baby himself and being described like a sex pervert.

Smugfearnleyshittingstool Mon 21-Jan-13 19:55:25

My sds is six and was fascinated to see me bf my dd ( who's almost three). Hr had never seen a baby being fed before and assumed they all had bottles. I couldn't imagine ever having an issue with this, it's cute.

BlahBlahBlahhh Mon 21-Jan-13 19:55:36

Just read this thread and feel very sad for the poor little lad. Please make him feel included in what's going on...talk to him, he's curious. If it bothers you that much drape a muslin over yourself. As someone else said, it sounds like he feels left out and trying to get attention with the hiding things and swinging toys about. 6 years old is still very young, be understanding. Oh, and the poster who said about getting the creeps from a 6 year old...sad

ZooAnimals Mon 21-Jan-13 19:57:14

Is DD your first? Did you have much contact with kids prior to DSS and your own DD.

What you're describing is perfectly normal behaviour. In about 5 years time your DD will be losing her school shoes, swinging toys round and staring at people she sees doing something different/interesting.

MrsDeVere Mon 21-Jan-13 19:57:51

Horrible.
It doesn't matter if he is your DSS or DS or DN or the neighbour's child.
He is SIX
And you are being weird.

Angelico Mon 21-Jan-13 19:57:56

I really hope this is a wind up.

Cortana Mon 21-Jan-13 20:01:29

How awful for your DSS. He sounds like he's interested in what you're doing. He's six ffs, he cares not for your knockers.

FWIW I sometimes have to pull my eyes away when I see a breastfeeding woman. I have such fond memories of that lovely time, I loved feeding my son and even though I did it everyday for yonks, it's still a lovely wondrous thing to me. I have to remind myself that not everyone is as comfortable or open as I was, but I'm 28 and have the mental capacity to understand that, a six year old does not.

How awful. Will you be so mean about your pfb dd if you have another child and she is curious about what you are doing?

HoppityFrog Mon 21-Jan-13 20:07:06

How would you feel if your dd has a stepmum in the future who talks and feels this way about her? And if she has a baby sister she can't look at without making her stepmum angery. Poor boy he's a small child not a teenager.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 21-Jan-13 20:08:12

This thread is so sad sad

That poor child.

SaggyOldPregnantCatpuss Mon 21-Jan-13 20:10:50

You sound like a delightful stepmother! confused

CrapBag Mon 21-Jan-13 20:11:25

You really don't like him do you!

So now you have got a baby of your own, I am guessing DSS doesn't matter. I hope his dad doesn't know you feel like this about his child as thats how your post comes across.

YABU. He is watching you feed a baby, not oogling your boobs. If you have finished feeding then why are they still out?

flossy101 Mon 21-Jan-13 20:11:52

Made me very sad you read this.

I'm afraid that you sound very unkind.

It is sad, isn't it? I remember random strange shildren occasionally clocking i was feeding one of my DCs when out, a few years ago and asking questions. I just answered calmly and understood it was just natural curiosity. It never bothered me, although I noticed some parents were ready to call their DCs away of I wasn't happy.

Babies attract children, perhaps because it's not so long since they were that age themselves.

cory Mon 21-Jan-13 20:16:32

Very sad OP. Soon your dd will be this age- how do you want other people to react around her?

Fenton Bosnia-Herzegovina Mon 21-Jan-13 20:18:27

Erm.. first of all - I can't believe you actually posted this.. (are you new here?)

Secondly, if you don't feel comfortable - go and feed in your bedroom - it's not worth getting stressed about,

personally the only people I feel okay about seeing by breasts are my breast-feeding children and my husband - oh and I suppose my Doctor at a push.

<shrug>

Aspiemum2 Mon 21-Jan-13 20:18:33

Oh bless sad. He'll be feeling a little insecure (so lots of reassurance) and curious, hence the looking
When I bf the twins my 8 yr old dd had to have a front row seat. There were a lot of questions like "are they getting milk right now?" "Do you have a hole in your boob for it to come out!", how does the boob know when to stop?" What does it taste like.... And so on. She even watched me express as it was so fascinating, constant "wow, there's milk coming out mummy!"
She went in to school and proudly announced "my mummy's boobs make milk but its not as white as the milk from tesco!"

blush But cute too

I would like to know if the OP has told her partner that she finds his son annoying. I'm suspecting that she hasn't.........

Op - get a grip and cherish the relationship your daughter has with her brother. You knew your dp had a son when you got in to this relationship. That means you are parenting a child as well as your own baby. Try doing a better job at it.

<<imagines how the stepson's mother would react if she saw this thread>>

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 21-Jan-13 20:28:05

He's 6 get over yourself.

Littlebearlost Mon 21-Jan-13 20:37:47

See I wouldn't like this either, but I think that's more because of my own issues. I didn't like anyone watching me feed, even my own dh. I used to go off on my own in the bedroom to feed. Although we did fail at it after a couple of weeks and I ended up expressing instead. I wouldn't let anyone see me express either, but expressing is really unglamerous and not beautiful to anyone!
So I'd just cover up a bit if youre not comfortable, problem solved?

HollyBerryBush Mon 21-Jan-13 20:40:05

Some people don't like being stared at, irrespective of whether the person doing the staring is 6 or 60, cutely aware and interested or any other form of staring.

It's unacceptable in mammals and prolonged staring can be seen as aggressive.

Now before you rip me a new arse, I do realise this is highly unlikely to be the case with a 6yo - but the SM doesn't like it, she feels uncomfortable, intimidated by it.

And yes I am playing the devils advocate anthropology card

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 21-Jan-13 20:43:34

HollyBerry

i've never heard of that card

OlivetheotherReindeer Mon 21-Jan-13 20:44:03

Oh how sad, poor little boy.

BloominMarvellous Mon 21-Jan-13 20:51:50

So now you have your PFB you don't like your DSS??

I have a DSS who is 8 and I would always include him and allow him to ask any questions when I have my own baby.

He is 6 ffs!!!!

notnagging Mon 21-Jan-13 21:00:25

Poor boy. sad

StraightTalkinSheila Mon 21-Jan-13 21:00:27

Radical idea- rather than sit there with a sleeping baby at your breast whilst DSS2 is obviously wanting to engage with you- why don't you put the baby in her cot and do something with him?

As for him losing his shoes and "nearly braining" DD: in the first instance, that's fairly normal six year old behaviour and in the second, it was an accident. H didn't intend it. (You said he "lost his grip" on the toy)

I'm not sure of the significance of you saying he is staring at your bare breast. He is SIX. Don't be sexualising it. (If that is what you are implying.)

I feel sorry for the poor bugger.

pigletmania Mon 21-Jan-13 21:00:45

well than holly, the op should cover up her boobs, or feed in another room. She sounds like a bit of an exhibitionist. I have seen friends feeding, and never seen a boob exposed it can be done.

JustFabulous Mon 21-Jan-13 21:01:16

I doubt very much that we will see the OP back.

My son was 2 when his sister was born and four when his brother was born and I am pretty sure he saw me feed them and caught sight of my breasts. Sometimes my kids see me topless now. Big deal.

Kids are curious and most 6 year olds don't have breasts so it is unsual for them to see them.

StuntGirl Mon 21-Jan-13 21:04:53

Yep, put your sleeping daughter in her cot and interact with your step son. Easy peasy.

girliefriend Mon 21-Jan-13 21:09:30

Its sounds like you dislike him tbh sad

I have a 6yo and all that you described as being 'annoying' is normal 6yo behaviour. Please get a grip and be nice to him.

Speedos Mon 21-Jan-13 21:10:52

Poor little lad.

SunbathingintheRain Mon 21-Jan-13 21:16:16

Er, what?

I clicked on this thinking he was going to be 18, not 6!

I think you need to get a grip and remember that a mere 6 years ago that little boy was a lovely snuggly baby just like yours.

I'm really saddened by this tbh sad

toomuch2young Mon 21-Jan-13 21:16:52

YABVU

for all the reasons given and more.
Poor little boy. Where is his mum? Sounds like he needs a cuddle and some attention from adults that don't find his presence irritating. FGS he is an innocent little boy, who sounds like he's been through a lot in his little life. Please try and show him love and kindness and not treat him as an annoyance.

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Mon 21-Jan-13 21:17:50

Oh give over, you're being too hard on the poor lad. He obviously shows an interest in his little sister.

YABU.

Hawa Mon 21-Jan-13 21:25:32

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DreamingOfTheMaldives Mon 21-Jan-13 21:28:46

Your post has made me feel really sad for your DSS

Fabsmum Mon 21-Jan-13 21:29:41

The OP makes me feel sad. Poor little lad. Give him a break.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 21-Jan-13 21:34:11

OP not back - what a surprise.

What a horrible horrible attitude to have about a 6 year old boy. My 6 year old nephew still pokes mine and giggles and talks about boobies and he's never even seen me breastfeed - god help us all if he had grin Boobs alone are interesting when you are a small person, they're soft and snuggly & kids don't have them... and breastfeeding is interesting, beautiful, incredible and fascinating. I'm a 43 year old woman and have to be careful not to stare, it's just so 'right' - I love their contented little faces smile

Grow up.

I'm pretty crap at discrete latching and just have to pull my boob out and do it as quick as possible then cover up. But I then don't complain about anyone looking/staring let alone a child!

Fwiw my ds 1 is 6 dd is 8 and ds2 is 6 wks and breastfeeding. They have never seen anyone breastfeed before and are still completely amazed AR what my boobs can do. They stare when I feed, the ask questions, sometimes ds1 asks if he can try breastfeeding too.

YABU and I hope this is a joke! If not I feel very sad for your dss2!

LadyBeagleEyes Mon 21-Jan-13 21:37:29

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thebody Mon 21-Jan-13 21:38:24

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TroublesomeEx Mon 21-Jan-13 21:38:29

When I was BF my DD it was almost a spectator sport for DS's friends (all between 6 and 8) who were fascinated and curious.

They were full of questions and it didn't bother me in the slightest.

My DD is now 6 and is obsessed with boobs - they're soft and squishy and they can make milk!!! How cool is that?!

I'm not surprised your 6 year old stepSON is fascinated, give him a cuddle and talk about his new sister with him.

Arthurfowlersallotment Mon 21-Jan-13 21:41:40

Oh give me strength

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 21-Jan-13 21:47:38

Another bizarre thread, is Jan not a busy time for people then.

My DS is the same. He's a bit younger (4) I've been feeding over a year now, and he will still stop and stare. It's natural.

One of the best things I did was to explain what I was doing and why. Perhaps he's wondering why your boob is still out when she's not feeding? Explain about skin to skin and the benefits. Think about it in the long term - the information he's getting now could, in the future, help his own partner to do what you're doing now.

And they do retain it. Mine apparently gave a lecture at nursery to other children who were using a bottle to feed the doll about the mechanics and benefits of breastfeeding.

And he has asked some possibly awkward questions. He's asked me if he can watch the milk come out, and if he can have some. The first, I squeezed a tiny bit out to show him. The second, I offered to express some for him to taste. He giggled and went off to play with his Lego.

They're inquisitive. At worst, they're seeing where the boundaries lie. But they're learning about something important - focus upon that.

cees Mon 21-Jan-13 21:50:21

YABU

fluffygal Mon 21-Jan-13 21:54:51

Oh fgs if he is staring at her breast and it makes OP feel uncomfortable then she is allowed to stop him, or are her breasts public property now she's bfing? I don't see why a thread is needed, just tell him 'please stop staring'? All this feeling sorry for the boy and thinking he must not get any attention is a complete overreaction!

I have two DSS's who are 5 and 6, been their mum since they were babies and no, I would not feel comfortable with them staring at my breasts. I also have a 7 year old DS and feel the same with him. I am happy to be naked around them, but staring by anyone makes me uncomfortable.

Aspiemum2 Mon 21-Jan-13 21:57:43

Actually the OP said he was staring at the baby not the breast

Enfyshedd Mon 21-Jan-13 22:14:18

I'm back - just been busy.

To try and address the points raised here:
- Yes, DD is PFB - she also spent a week in SCBU due to oxygen depravation so I am probably extra funny about her at times.
- DSS2's got a habit of shaking toys really close to DD's face/head - we keep telling him not to do that (DP & I were very serious explaining that if he'd hit DD with the wooden toy last night - missed her fontanelle by less than 3 inches - then it would have meant a trip to hospital).
- I knew DSS1 & 2 for 2 years before DP & I got together 2.5 years ago (DP & I were friends and were both in different relationships when we met)
- DSSs' "D"M walked out on them when DSS2 was 2. DP has custody and DSSs live with us.
- DD will not sleep without me unless out in the pram and at the moment is tending to stay latched in her sleep as she's teething (cut 2 teeth this week and another 2 look like they're on the way within a week). DD's head is next to my breast.
- The only other room available to feed in would be the bedroom and I would be 2 floors away from everyone else on my own with DD.
- I am not an exhibitionist - apart from the local BF support group, I rarely BF'd out of the home and mainly in specific baby feeding rooms unless really desperate.
- I was lying on the sofa with my top pulled up to just above the nipple and a big blanket pulled up up to DD's shoulder. DSS2 was standing on the chair next to the sofa to look over everything.
- I (& DP) have answered his questions re. me BFing a thousand times previously - none have been asked for months.
- He's been really hard work for DP & I since last Friday (snow day) - DP's been getting very frustrated with him as well. This evening, he's also managed to catch DSS1 (14) in the balls while they were mucking about and break a photoframe given to him by his DGM which was supposed to be on the shelf (I put it back up there last week, but he'd taken down and chucked on the floor again). He does get a lot of attention from DP (& I when DD isn't asleep), but he is totally full on at the moment.
-The other people in the house are DSS1 (14) who in normal teenage boy fashion will avoid looking at my boobs at all costs, and DP who I (obviously) don't have a propblem with seeing my boobs.

It was just the fact he was standing on a chair (when he'd been told not to stand on the chair 4 times today before this happened) to look over everything. I'm trying to maintain some illusion of privacy, but short of isolating myself from the rest of the house --and being bored because I can't talk to anyone, read or MN/FB in the bedroom (nowhere to put laptop), it seems that I have no choice but to keep asking him to stop looking (because it does make me feel uncomfortable).

BrokenBritain Mon 21-Jan-13 22:19:01

Would you mind so much if your child does this in a few years time if you had a second child?

TheFallenNinja Mon 21-Jan-13 22:21:10

You should be able to take a 6 year old, easy smile

gordyslovesheep Germany Mon 21-Jan-13 22:21:52

he is behaving as a perfectly normal 6 year old child though - you seem to want to find fault with him

he is a Child - behave OP - you are grown up - let it go

Enfyshedd Mon 21-Jan-13 22:22:03

The only answer I can give to that is that I have no intention of having anymore children more than slightly traumatised by DD's arrival.

It really sounds like he's looking at his sister rather than at your breasts. I have no experience of this, but could he take some responsibility for her (getting nappies when she needs a change? Putting an extra blanket over her when she's fallen asleep?) so that he feels more involved?

Posted too soon...

His life's been turned upside down by his sisrer's arrival so its pretty understandable that he'd be fascinated by this tiny person that has changed everything

AnnIonicIsoTronic Mon 21-Jan-13 22:27:16

That sounds like a high-needs hardwork baby.

Are you getting any respite?

Snow days don't help - but I recommend lots of park walks to get your dd to sleep, give you some air & dss2 some exercise to burn off steam.

Angelico Mon 21-Jan-13 22:27:23

OP I am trying to be sympathetic to a point but you just sound like your DSS is pissing you off and generally hard work now that you have a baby. This is understandable to some degree but he needs reassurance. Can't you try and think of it as time to bond with him and chat to him while she is sleeping?

And tbh if you can breastfeed in front of a group of women at a bfing group (presumably most of whom were strangers to start with) I don't see how a child can make you feel uncomfortable.

KitchenandJumble Mon 21-Jan-13 22:29:21

Poor little boy. He was abandoned by his birth mother when he was only 2, and now he may well be feeling a bit displaced by the arrival of his little sister. He needs extra attention and reassurance, I would think.

Nothing he is doing sounds at all out of the ordinary to me. Let him be a child and don't interpret his actions as though he were an adult.

CaptainVonTrapp Mon 21-Jan-13 22:30:23

Repeatedly standing on furniture after being told not to, needing constant reminders/guidance about behaviour, messy, frustrating... Yes a typical six year old. Hard work, especially if you're tired.

But gazing adoringly at his new sister. What's wrong with that?

MarianneM Mon 21-Jan-13 22:33:15

His mother is not around. He wants your love and attention.

Children behave in all sorts of strange and often naughty ways to get attention.

Not that looking at you or the baby is in any way strange or naughty.

He just needs you.

pigletmania Mon 21-Jan-13 22:34:44

I agree with Angelico, he just curious, if you can bf in front of a group of women than should not b too difficult fmor dss. Cover up, ou don't have too expose your breasts

SaggyOldPregnantCatpuss Mon 21-Jan-13 22:35:55

Give the kid a break FFS!

OP - umpteen messages challenging your parenting of this child and you just respond with more self justification.

I feel so sorry for your stepson sad. Would you show dp this thread? If not, why not?

MarianneM Mon 21-Jan-13 22:37:27

I was just saying to DH today that often when DD1 is at her most naughty and challenging she just wants cuddles and reassurance - although of course it's hard to be loving and patient when children are very naughty.

Enfyshedd Mon 21-Jan-13 22:38:58

AnnIonic I've spent a minimum of 5 hours a day for months out with DD, so she gets plenty of fresh air to help her sleep. DSS2 is normally in school when I'm doing this. She is high needs - my respite is me returning to work next week!!

ATruth & Kitchen - DSSs have another DSis (3) on their mother's side.

Kitchen & everyone else who's said the "don't interpret his actions as if he's an adult" thing - I'm not. It's just the staring was bugging me. I know he's looking at DD, but my boob is right there next to it.

gordyslovesheep Germany Mon 21-Jan-13 22:40:19

somebody once told me 'a child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least' - simply put he is acting up because he misses you and he is watching you because he wants you - please stop being cross with him and give him a hug

MarianneM Mon 21-Jan-13 22:40:39

OP, you sound very detached.

CaptainVonTrapp Mon 21-Jan-13 22:41:52

Well cover it up then!

I used to stare at my newborns. They're amazing!

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 22:43:40

Surely if it makes you that uncomfortable you can pull your top down right to her head so there is no breast at all visible? Are you doing the two top thing (pull one up and one down)? I would even go as far muslin over her head but it may then be difficult to teach him why it isn't ok for him to do that to her! Can you get yourself covered so you feel happy then get him close for cuddles/stories/TV with you?

I can well understand his frstration if she has all her naps on you and you are therefore unavailable to him for a large portion of the day. Can you get a sling so you can still play with him while she sleeps? Are you ready to try and gently teach her to stay asleep for short periods not on you? (Bouncer, hammock, pram?).

hiddenhome Mon 21-Jan-13 22:44:15

Get over yourself OP. the poor kid's mother has abandoned him and you clearly don't even like him. If you carry on like this you'll have more to worry about than him standing on furniture and watching you bf hmm

Enfyshedd Mon 21-Jan-13 22:44:43

*her face is right next to my boob/my boob is right next to her face.

DP pulled me up for being a bit snappy with DSS2 yesterday. Am tired due to teething DD, dealing with crap caused by ExP, and getting nervous about returning to work. An over-enthusiastic 6yo who's own DF is getting fed up with a recent spate of back-chatting is not the easiest thing to handle on top.

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 22:44:47

Marianne that is so true (and so hard to follow!)

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 21-Jan-13 22:44:53

He's only 6. I actually think it's really sad that you refer to him as DSS when you've been with his dad for half the child's life, he lives with you and his mum isn't around.

Can't you just say "would you like to come and have a cuddle with us" and shepherd him round to sit next to you on the non-boob side? and then put the TV on so he has something else to look at

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Mon 21-Jan-13 22:46:36

Oh poor little man. This is so sad.
Get your midwife to show you how to BF so that none of your breast is visible -it's very easy to do.
And this little boy is probably just curious. And to have lost his mum and now be feeling a bit pushed out by a new baby - as all older siblings do.
Have a heart OP.

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 22:48:00

"*I know he's looking at DD, but my boob is right there next t it.*"

Would it matter if he was looking at your breast? Without getting too amateur-psychologist, I think you need to examine the reasons why you think a 6 year old child looking at your breasts is somehow "wrong".

hiddenhome Mon 21-Jan-13 22:48:49

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VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 22:49:28

Whoops, credited Marianne instead of gordys

Stickwithit Mon 21-Jan-13 22:51:49

OP, the tone of your posts and your choice of words gives me the impression you don't like DSS. He's so very young and it sends shivers down my spine to think that he's not unconditionally loved.

Apologies if I've misjudged you, for your DSS' sake I sincerely hope that I have.

MarianneM Mon 21-Jan-13 22:51:56

Oh no, I was already resting on my laurels smile

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Mon 21-Jan-13 22:51:59

Sadly, I agree with*Hiddenhome*. You could well be storing up trouble for yourself if your little boy doesn't feel loved and safe now.

Can you speak freely to your health visitor and discuss your difficulties. He sounds like a fairly ordinary 6 year old but some good support and advice now could stop any difficult behaviour from escalating.

For good mental health, kids need to feel safe and to feel loved.

apostropheuse Mon 21-Jan-13 22:53:05

DP pulled me up for being a bit snappy with DSS2 yesterday

Well thankfully his father isn't oblivious to what's happening. Please just involve the wee soul. He needs a mummy. That's all he is looking for.

It sounds as if he does feel pushed away since the new baby came. Perhaps you need to work at actually putting her down for a while.

I feel so very sad for this little boy.

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 22:53:10

An over-enthusiastic 6yo who's own DF is getting fed up with a recent spate of back-chatting is not the easiest thing to handle on top

I'm sure it is stressful but you are the parent here, and the adult. He is a little curious boy. By all means tell him off for being "naughty" but not for just looking at you in an innocent way. What message does that send him about breasts/breastfeeding?

MarianneM Mon 21-Jan-13 22:53:53

But seriously, OP, if the boy's father is getting "fed up" with him too, what chance does he have?

It's not about you, it's about him! YOU and your DH are his parents, you owe him love and care.

SunbathingintheRain Mon 21-Jan-13 22:54:36

Oh dear your replies have made me feel even more sorry for him sad sad

Can you talk to someone in RL about this - as nothing that's being said here is getting through it seems.

Floralnomad Mon 21-Jan-13 22:54:43

This is actually quite sad , poor little boy . Whatever way you try to explain it OP the fact is you wouldn't have started this thread if he was your biological son and hence I doubt anybody will think you are being reasonable.

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 22:54:50

Oh, just re read, you both said it Marianne! Am not going totally mad. Probably bed time though!

Kalisi Mon 21-Jan-13 22:55:30

YABU. Poor kid.

You're obviously waiting for somebody to agree your dss is a pita. Sorry, not going to happen.

Will you answer my question - would you show dp this thread?

DoodlesNoodles Mon 21-Jan-13 22:56:50

I think this is a very odd post. The boy is 6 confused. He sounds like a lot of six year olds, ie a bit boisterous and a bit irritating. It's odd that it bothers you, its odd that you don't just speak to him and ask him 'hey don't stare at my boobies' , odd that you don't just cover up a bit more.

What isnot odd is that nearly every poster thinks YABU

Fakebook Mon 21-Jan-13 22:57:02

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Morloth Mon 21-Jan-13 22:57:36

He is 6 and he loves his baby sister. DS1 was 6 when DS2 was born and he loved watching him feed and sleep.

You do sound like you don't like him very much.

He isn't looking at your boob, he is 6.

For your DDs sake the very best thing you can do is try to look upon your DSSs as your DSs. Their mum isn't there, you have chosen to be their Mum. So be their Mum and foster the relationship with their sister, because she will need them growing up. You have the power to give her a strong loving family, or you have the power to drive a divide between her and her brothers and rob her of that relationship.

6 year old boys with cabin fever can be bloody annoying, no denying that, but watching his baby sister is not one of those annoyances.

Kalisi Mon 21-Jan-13 22:58:38

And YY Hiddenhome

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CaptainVonTrapp Mon 21-Jan-13 22:59:42

I'll be the first to say that 6 year olds can be a pita. But not for staring at a baby. Thats the nice bit.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 21-Jan-13 23:00:20

Poor little chap. He can come here and have a cuddle with me while I BF my DS2 if he likes.

OP - how can you be so cold to a child so young, especially when you've known him since he was little.

sad

have you offered him some milk. i did same to my toddler, when bf his sister, he might just take a suck from your finger?

Enfyshedd Mon 21-Jan-13 23:01:58

Holla - I end up lying across the little sofa to feed DD (neck/shoulder problems make normal cradle hold painful for me - not really an option to get DSS2 to sit down next to me once DD's asleep. And his "D"M is around - DSSs see her twice a week.

Vinegar - I just want some privacy for my body without having to isolate myself; is that hard to understand "without getting too amateur-psychologist?

hidden - Right now, I don't feel like I'm cut out to have kids. I feel detached to DD half the time, like I look at her and can't work out what I'm supposed to do or feel. In that sense, I feel the same for her as I do for DSS1 & 2.

how yare you going to breast feed when you go back to work next week?

MarianneM Mon 21-Jan-13 23:04:42

OP, of course it is tough with a baby and demanding older children too.

Could you be depressed maybe? Do talk to your GP or health visitor, it might help!

CaptainVonTrapp Mon 21-Jan-13 23:06:03

So is this about him staring at the baby, staring at your boob or something else?

Hyperballad Mon 21-Jan-13 23:06:50

My heart is heavy reading this.

OP, please ask him to come off the chair and snuggle into you and his baby sister. Get him to bring over his favourite book or snuggle toy and please let him share these precious moments with you.

I just cannot relate to your attitude towards him at all. I'm so sad for him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 21-Jan-13 23:07:42

OP have you been to see your GP? Because I think it is highly likely that you've got PND. The level of detachment you are showing towards all your children is not normal, not at all.

HopAndSkip Mon 21-Jan-13 23:08:25

To this boy, you are the only mum he will remember, I'll bet he views you as a mother figure, more than as his step mum.

Now he's suddenly got a small baby who he may be aware is "more" your child than he is by being biologically yours, and is getting more attention.

The reason he he's watching breast feeding could be because he keeps seeing DD get attention while bf, and is wondering why it's such a special time for you and DD, and trying to join in.

Also the "naughty behaviour" sounds like him looking for attention, especially as you said it's only been recently.

Try to view DSS as your DS. You're the only mum he has. If he grows up to dislike and resent you, I can't imagine it will do much good for your relationship with DD when she's old enough to talk to him about things either.

And SCBU shouldn't effect your behavior with her for that long, I'm not being sarcastic here, I genuinely am wondering if you should speak to HV or GP about it if you're feeling anxious still. My DD spent her first 3 weeks in NICU and it made me feel a bit over-protective for the first 2-3 months, but it shouldn't be ruling your parenting of DD still.

Aspiemum2 Mon 21-Jan-13 23:08:44

Feeling detached isn't great, it sounds like you're struggling and focusing that negativity on your dss (who sounds perfectly normal btw). Have you felt like this for long or just recently as work gets closer?
Either way I think it would be wise to speak to your gp or hv.

And please, your dss needs your love too. He is just a little boy and as you are one of his primary care givers you need to really take a long hard look at how you are treating him. It's not fair to take on such a significant role in his life if you're not prepared to give him your time, love and affection

CuriousMama Mon 21-Jan-13 23:12:08

sad He will be feeling pushed out by the sounds of it. Really feel sorry for him. Abandoned by his mother and now this.

HopAndSkip Mon 21-Jan-13 23:12:59

Sorry x post only just seen that he see's his mum.

Enfyshedd Mon 21-Jan-13 23:15:47

Northern - DP's opinion on other peoples opinions is that they can all take a long walk off a short pier. Pointless to show him this, but I do raise things with him when they get to a certain point.

Floral - Maybe I wouldn't have started this thread if DSS was my bio DS, but I can't honestly answer that as I have no other bio children.

Ali, Hop & Aspie - Pretty sure HV's have been watching me for PND, especially due to stress caused by ExP being a twunt.

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 23:16:06

I would echo what the others said about seeing your GP.

Of course it is your body and you can choose to share as much of it or as little as you like with whoever you like. But the onus is on you, not him. You are the adult. Are you deliberately ignoring all the suggestions about how to BF "discreetly" or cover yourself up? This would seem to be the glaringly obvious solution. There really is no need to have your whole boob uncovered if it makes you uncomfortable.

I do wonder though whether you would be even thinking about writing this if he was a) your bio son or B) a girl.

You sound depressed Enfy, and your baby sounds quite hard work. I suspect this isnt about your DSS at all but more about you struggling to cope. Maybe going and having a a chat with the Dr sounds like a good idea. Does your DP help out, and how was your relationship with your DSS before the baby?

DoodlesNoodles Mon 21-Jan-13 23:18:28

When I was BF my youngest I would often use that time for a quiet snuggle and read with their older sibling. It was nice to all be relaxed and close together.

VinegarDrinker Mon 21-Jan-13 23:22:16

If he also has another sister who lives with his Mum I imagine another new sister is bringing up all kind of difficult emotions for him in terms of new sister/rejection memories.

I do think you need to think about trying to get her to sleep in a sling, on your DP or somewhere else that isn't you. She is going to need daytime naps for another 2 years or so. Is it really fair to DSS for you to be unavailable even for cuddles for several hours every day? It isn't easy (my DS was very similar in terms of napping, we dealt with it by slinging him so at least I could move around) but you have 3 children's needs to take into account, not just her.

AllYoursBabooshka Mon 21-Jan-13 23:23:36

He's not looking at nor does he give a rats arse about your breasts, he's looking at his sister.

Poor child.

KitchenandJumble Mon 21-Jan-13 23:24:23

I feel so sorry for this little one. He must think that all the significant adults in his life have either abandoned him or replaced him. And now they are getting fed up and annoyed by everything he does. He is probably playing up for attention (losing things, playing with his toys too close to the baby, etc.). But even something completely innocent (watching his little sister) has now been earmarked as wrong.

I'm sorry you are feeling detached, OP. Can you speak to your doctor about this? It doesn't sound like you are enjoying motherhood, and I wonder whether your DD's traumatic birth may have affected you emotionally? Nothing surprising about that, of course, but it might be worth getting checked out.

But please, be kind and loving and reassuring to your DSS. He is a child and he needs you. The circumstances of his mother leaving must have affected him enormously.

SirBoobAlot Mon 21-Jan-13 23:34:50

I was ready to come on and be rather harsh after your first post, but your others are ringing alarm bells for depression to me.

Logically - your DSS is acting entirely normally, and it sounds like he is a combination of excited, enthusiastic and anxious about being pushed out of the picture. So I think you need to accept that you are making this into a much bigger deal than it really is, and then look at why you are doing that.

Speak to your HV, or to your GP, preferably before you go back to work, because as much as being back at work might provide some respite from being a full time mum, you will still have all the stresses when you get home, and it sounds as though you maybe aren't coping with them all right now.

Enfyshedd Mon 21-Jan-13 23:35:19

Vinegar - Short of covering DD's head completely, I don't know I could cover up any more. Big blanket ruched up over DD, top lifted just enough to expose nipple to DD without her eating the top as well, and a laptop at the front so the only way he could look was by standing on the chair. Sling works for calming her down in the evenings, but she only seems to sleep in it if I take her for a walk (not really an option with all the snow & ice on the ground!).

Dreams - DP does help out, but had problems up until just over a month ago due to PTSD - whenever DD cried, he would get a splitting headache and would not be able to look after her. It's only just before Xmas that he was finally able to cope with her (says his brain seems to have rewired himself).

Kitchen - I know I was in shock for the first few hours after DD's birth; I could barely talk and couldn't move. Sometimes it feels like that feeling has never quite gone away, if you know what I mean?

Time for bed for us anyway. Tomorrow's another day (hopefully not another snow day which means we can't leave the street again though), and need try to deal with things better.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 21-Jan-13 23:40:37

I have changed my mind about you too, OP

I think you need some help. I recommend you speak to your HV or GP as a matter of urgency to seek some advice for all of you.

Your husband also needs some talking therapy of some description.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 21-Jan-13 23:42:30

Well no wonder the poor kid is playing up a bit if his Dad and you have both been having mental health problems.

I really think you need to seek some help, for everyone's sake.

SirBoobAlot Mon 21-Jan-13 23:44:11

In that case, both you and your DP need to access some support.

And please stop blocking your DSS out when you are feeding, as it will all just go around in a vicious circle the more you exclude him.

Contact your GP asap.

duchesse Mon 21-Jan-13 23:44:25

Dear god, the child is 6! He probably finds his little sister adorable.

pigletmania Mon 21-Jan-13 23:50:13

It does sound as if everything is coming in on you, and little problems are becoming to be big problems because of the difficulties of coping that you probably have. yes do seek help. Your DSS might be looking like an outsider looks in, envying the bond you have with your dd and mabey wishing he had the same with either his mum or you. so be more understanding and empathetic to your dss, really the only way you are going to do this if you receive help

DoJo Mon 21-Jan-13 23:51:14

It sounds as though your problem with DSS is just a symptom of something else wrong - he is coming in for a lot of blame when it sounds as though your DP hasn't been much help (perhaps not his fault, but can't have made your life any easier), your ex is actively making your life difficult and you yourself are having concerns about the way things are going. I do understand that it might feel intrusive, but if it really bothers you that much then I can't see how going to the bedroom is such a bad idea - it would give you some time away from the boisterousness of two snow confined youngsters, some time alone with your daughter to enjoy the closeness and a chance to take a few deep breaths and try to avoid saying anything which might really hurt this boy.

pigletmania Mon 21-Jan-13 23:51:32

I think you need help as a family, also your dh too having the PTSD, he needs help with that

pigletmania Mon 21-Jan-13 23:52:46

I agree dojo, mabey going to the bedroom to feed might not be a bad idea and having some privacy

thegreylady Mon 21-Jan-13 23:56:14

You sound so very cold and unloving sad I have a 6 yr old dgs and it is heartbreaking to imagine him feeling as your dss must feel. Unwanted by his mum and to some extent rejected/pushed aside by you-it is so sad.

Aspiemum2 Tue 22-Jan-13 00:02:25

He's playing on my mind now, his mum didn't want him but now has a dd that she apparently does want sad

Fwiw if you have pnd then you are probably doing better than you think. I suspect that by posting here there is a part of you that is uncomfortable with your relationship with your dss and aware that he needs more from you.
I say you are probably doing better than you think as a lot of the time depression can make you very self critical, even in a subliminal way iykwim.

I do hope you seek out the help you need, it is nothing to be ashamed of. From your posts it is evident that you want something to change but that won't happen until you seek help. If you had a broken arm you would get it sorted wouldn't you? Try and see this as the same thing, it's a medical condition that is treatable.

Of course I'm not qualified to diagnose pnd, over the Internet or otherwise but I do think there is something going on and it doesn't hurt to check.

thetrackisback Tue 22-Jan-13 00:12:23

I am recovering from pnd. The health visitor did not have a clue and I was monitored very closely because I had twins. I had what you describe a very detached feeling towardsy children. I remember my little girl was crying. I was giving her food and drink and checked her nappy and couldn't think what she wanted. She wanted me plain and simple. I just didn't get it. (I wasn't a first time mum so really should have known better.) anyway you are describing how I felt but everyone commented on how well I was doing. I think you need to ring HV or GP in the morning.

Pickles101 Tue 22-Jan-13 03:10:15

I can actually sympathise. I'm SM to a little boy who is also 6. My DD is 6m old. DSS can range from being annoying little shithead to superstar, but that's not his fault, that's all children.

I found BF'ing initially very very hard and DSS was interested in what was happening and stared. Stared. No loving gaze, no curious glancing, it was staring. I hated it, it made me feel vulnerable that he would crane over me and breathe on my boobs and try to prod very poorly concentrating DD. It wasn't the fact that he was staring at my breasts or at my baby, but my personal space was compromised which I found stressful when trying to feed.

What I came to realise though that he was trying really hard to be nice. He had no idea I found it overbearing or that I was feeling very pressurised to feed DD successfully. How could he? I'm no longer BF'ing but I spoke to my DP about it whilst sobbing and feeling awful and he had a gentle talk to DSS about how it was fine to be interested and ask questions but that it was not fine to clamber all over somebody without their permission, whether they were breastfeeding or not.

He took it all in his stride, which was more than I ever managed. I'm so proud of how he behaves around his baby sister and having her has strengthened our relationship so so much and I was panicking that I was a massive bitch and going to destroy the relationship he had with his father.

Disclaimer for any of the secretive amateur-psychologists, yes I was diagnosed with PND. And I love my DSS so so much. It was a rocky start but we got all the crap out of the way early on and now we have a really strong bond. He's awesome I think I actually love him more than I do my DP.

In short, OP, give DSS a chance. He's a good kid underneath all the toy-lobbing. Honest smile

Pickles101 Tue 22-Jan-13 03:15:22

Also, DP now comes home to the 3 of us having boob-based cuddles in front of the TV. And I fucking love it grin

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 07:16:15

Aww that's great pickles smile. He probably wants a hug and to be praised, his mum has rejected him and his dad dies not sound like he s affectionate towards his ds. do you do that op, not only telling him off when he has done wrong but being affectionate towards him. This is all your issues, nothing that he has done wrong, his behaviour does not sound out of the ordinary

sashh Tue 22-Jan-13 07:31:12

FFS OP

Can you remember being 6 and how confusing it can be?

His mother walked out on him, that is not his fault.

There is a big age gap with his older brother, again not his fault.

He had no choice in the partner (you) his father picked.

Now he has a baby sister, and I'm sure there have been chats about how he isn't the baby anymore.

So he is acting like a 6 year old with a new sibling.

Please just give him a cuddle and tell him he is loved.

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 08:11:02

This thread is so sad.

I'll have him. He can come and live with me and I'll love him.

I'm 38 and I've spent my whole life knowing that my mother didn't love me, was irritated by me and found me a huge inconvenience. It's taken it's toll. 32 years of desperate loneliness and sadness plus 20+ of mental health problems and a failed marriage because I just don't believe anyone could love me (amongst other things) are testament to it.

Send him my way.

CuriousMama Tue 22-Jan-13 08:17:30

FolkGirl, fight you for him wink

RuleBritannia Tue 22-Jan-13 08:18:55

He's your baby's Big Brother. Give him a place in her life.

Tryharder Tue 22-Jan-13 08:24:47

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ZipItShrimpy Tue 22-Jan-13 08:30:29

This has made me feel quite sad

The poor kid is just showing an interest in you feeding the baby, not trying to cop a peek at your chebs.

As for the losing the school shoes- that's just normal 6 year old behaviour.

Maybe try to go a bit easier on him and understand that he might be feeling a wee bit unsettled with the new arrival.

ubik Tue 22-Jan-13 08:50:23

You've been through alot op.

Traumatic birth, first baby, another child to look after, now coping with going back to work.

I'm just wondering if you are focusing on the little boy as a source of your anxiety when really you should be examining your own feelings about what has/is happening.

It's not about him- it's about you, so try to be loving and kind to him even if it is an effort.

SirBoobAlot Tue 22-Jan-13 08:52:02

Tryharder, think that's a bit out of line.

Aspiemum2 Tue 22-Jan-13 08:54:30

I agree sirboob, that wasn't called for.

ubik Tue 22-Jan-13 08:54:34

Some people forget how hard it is being a first time mother - and it must be doubly difficult with birth complications and other children in the mix

I hope op is ok

mrsjay Tue 22-Jan-13 09:00:35

FGS he is 6 years old I thought he was a teenager and you were uncomfortable, he is looking at HIS sister sleeping or feeding it is natural to be curious and he is 6 years old give the kid a break and find yourself some stress relief so much anger over a little boy, oh and get a cover and cover yourself or go away and feed her if you want a private moment with the baby,

cory Tue 22-Jan-13 09:14:52

It is very hard to deal with an older child if you are suffering from PND or birth trauma.

But you cannot lay that on a 6-year old. It is your responsibility as an adult to get treatment if you need it and if you are not well enough to organise it, it is the responsibility of your dh to support you to do that.

The situation of what to do with the older child when breastfeeding is one that arises in every family that has more than one child. Dd was younger than your dss, so less easy to reason with and far more violent (she would deliberately launch herself on ds when he was at the boob and try to pull at his arms or deliberately throw things at his head). It was not easy. Even so, it was my responsibility to manage the situation so that she still felt loved and cherished. We managed by inventing a game that we all "played" together.

The fact that he is your dss and not your ds1 makes no difference to his needs. If you are the adult there and in charge, then he needs the same emotional support from you that your dd will need when she is 6- plus possibly extra for the upheaval in his life.

Most parents of more than one child have a plan for how they will engage the older child when breastfeeding the younger. A younger child can be encouraged to "breastfeed" a doll, an older child can be read aloud to or sung to.

In your case, maybe your dss could read aloud to you? Maybe present it as something he could do to help you? Or you could have a special story tape or something that the two of you listen to while you are feeding? If he can't fit onto the sofa, can he have a special chair or cushion next to you?

The more you manage it pro-actively, the easier it will get, not least for you.

valiumredhead Tue 22-Jan-13 09:24:18

Oh dear this is really sad sad

I think you sound like you could do with a chat with the HV from your reaction to 'missing the baby's fontanelle by 3 inches' alone - your dd is 8 months not a new born, baby's get battered by their siblings all the time. It's not ideal but really normal. I wouldn't assume a child needed to go to A and E because of a bang with a toy. You sound overly anxious - something I recognise from having had a baby in SCBU myself.

Your obvious dislike for you stepson is clear from your post, he's six, not much more than a baby himself who is probably going through a whole host of emotions at the moment, please have some understanding for him.

valiumredhead Tue 22-Jan-13 09:25:00

Could you read to him while you BF?

DreamingOfTheMaldives Tue 22-Jan-13 09:27:05

Op, it does sound like you are struggling and really should speak to your GP.

Why don't you tell your DSS to get off the chair and go and get a book so that he can read a story to his sister while she feeds. He can sit on the floor leaning against the sofa if there's no room (I think you said you need to stretch out while feeding). He will start to feel include and like he is doing something for his sister and spending time with you too, rather than just an outsider looking in which is how he seems now.

If there are times when you just want some peace, then go to your room to feed your DD.

How often does he stand and watch? Have you explained to him what you're doing, what his little sister is doing and why?

It is hard adjusting to life with a new baby but take some time out for your step children, they look to you for love and support as you are their main mother figure. Imagine your DD at 6, imagine your DP had a new partner and they made her feel pushed out with a new baby- how would you feel?

Get to the GP and get some help. Do not blame this young child for your problems, it is not his fault. He did not ask for all this to happen to him. He needs love and support to help him adjust before you and your partner really affect his mental health.

Please please don't blame him. Nothing of this situation is his fault. sad

StarvingBookworm Tue 22-Jan-13 09:35:22

When my DS was 8mo I found DD (2.11y at the time) v hard work - a lot of it was because in contrast DS was totally adorable at that age, smiley, interactive, just crawling and so lovely. It became a vicious circle with DD getting a bit jealous of all the extra attention DS got (as I was chasing him everywhere), so she played up. It sounds like similar is happening here TBH.

He didn't mean to hit her with the toy. And "missed her fontanelle by less than 3 inches", well, it was an accident. None of us want our children hurt but you are coming across v PFB. I expect your DSS is feeling very pushed out - you've been there for him for 4.5y and suddenly all your attention is on your DD.

Just put a muslin over yourself. I do the same when DS falls asleep on my breast when we're alone in the house.

cory Tue 22-Jan-13 09:38:18

I somehow missed that your dd is already 8 months and got the impression you were still in the early days of baby blues.

This makes it even more urgent that you should have a plan for sorting things out/getting treatment, as this means a long time has passed during which your dss has felt unwanted and short of attention every day.

Also a long time during which you have felt anxious and unhappy which is not good for you.

Agree with valium that your very strong reactions about near accidents do suggest unusually high levels of anxiety. I would go and see your HV/GP about PND. You may also need counselling about your traumatic birth experience.

You need to do this now, partly for your dss' sake and your own, but also for your dd's sake. Soon she will be becoming mobile, she will putting herself into a hundred scary situations every day because that is what babies need to do to develop, and you need the stamina to cope with it.

You also need to think about how your dh contributes to the family.

valiumredhead Tue 22-Jan-13 09:42:46

Instead of 'staring' he might well just be wistfully wishing it was him getting all the attention. Poor little thing sounds as though he has had a really rough time.

MrsMelons Tue 22-Jan-13 09:45:56

I think you are being unfair about him staring when you are feeding as most parents do not get 'privacy' from 6 year old DCs. If at all possible just try to ignore him if he is looking, he's likely to just get bored but if he has questions then continue to answer them.

I can absolutely understand how you feel though, I have a 6 year old DS and he is trying my patience to its limits with back chat and attitude and he is my own child, I am not sure how I would feel if he wasn't, probably fairly irritated. I love DS unconditionally of course but that is not necessarily the case with step children and that is not entirely wrong to feel that way.

He is only 6 so it really doesn't sound as if he is doing all that much wrong and you have been through a lot but it really is you not him with the issues.

I had a very traumatic birth with DS1 and he was in intensive care also, it is so hard to cope as your emotions are hard to control aren't they and it seems that moods/tears are completely involuntary.

Keep speaking to your DH and maybe try to have some time out with DD (or alone) at weekends if you feel it is getting too much. Mums do need a break too sometimes!

cory Tue 22-Jan-13 09:52:55

More thoughts: have you had a debrief about the birth? It's the sort of thing the hospital might be able to organise. It may be that you aren't able to let it go until you have been through it thoroughly with a professional.

McNewPants2013 Tue 22-Jan-13 09:57:21

Can I ask why does it make you uncomfortable.

I echo what other said, get down the doctors because from experience I would say you are showing signs of PND.

cory Tue 22-Jan-13 09:59:01

Also, how is your dh doing? And how did he cope with his PTSD- did he try to get treatment or did he just skive off and let you deal with everything though by the sounds of it you were just as traumatised as he was? Once you get your immediate problems sorted, you may even want to look at family therapy.

Tryharder Tue 22-Jan-13 10:09:05

It was supposed to be harsh, Boob, but ok, I had 3 hours of sleep last night so not at my most tolerant. So apologies OP if this is all for real.

But come on, you know you are being unreasonable, why even ask? I am sorry for a little boy that can't even look at his sister without being resented. The OP should love and care this little boy like he's biologically hers.

CaptainVonTrapp Tue 22-Jan-13 10:12:27

OP. There is general agreement that you're BU.

Why not post a thread in parenting which I think would be more suitable and you'll probably find people in similar situations and generally more sympathetic.

I know theres been lots of good advice here about speaking to GP or someone but there have been some mean comments (as always on AIBU) which are really unhelpful for you. I hate to think you would ignore this thread and the good suggestions on it(when you are actually struggling) because of a handful of unkind ones.

milf90 Tue 22-Jan-13 10:21:42

This thread is horrible. Full of horrible judgemental self rightous people. Op is struggling, maybe instead of making her feel worse, you should step back and look at the whole scenario and maybe suggest some useful advice?

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time op, I agree gp/hv sounds like the best option. I also think going back to work might actually help. Some time to yourself away from the kids might give u a new lease of life!

DoctorAnge Tue 22-Jan-13 10:23:48

Some posts here are way OTT. The OP may not be handling things too well but she has every right not to be stared at while she feeds if it makes her feel Uncomfortable. The posts about exhibitionism and " she doesn't deserve children" are personal attacks and vile.
OP I hope you are ok. You sound overwhelmed and depressed...

PatriciaHolm Tue 22-Jan-13 10:54:50

Enfy, I think you'd be better off with a thread in parenthood. I think you all need some external support; have you tried proactively telling your HV/GP how you feel? Life seems like it's dealt you a bad hand this last year or so, so I really think accessing some external help for you all would be helpful.

Poor little boy.

Your dislike is apparent on this thread, god knows what you are like around him.

He sees his real mum twice a week....and you think that's good then do you?

Poor kid, I feel so sad for him

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Tue 22-Jan-13 11:28:40

OP, it sounds as if you may be traumatised from the birth and possibly struggling with PND. But you do sound very detached and your posts are quite frighteningly cold towards your little dss, and I feel terribly, terribly sad for him - and until you posted more information about your situation, I felt searingly angry with you. I want to tell you that not as judgement but to help you understand the gravity of this situation. I hope this thread is a wake-up call to you. You must get some help for yourself and possibly your dp too, and one of your priorities must be this little boy (not forgetting his big brother) as well as your bio child.

Good luck.

KateSMumsnet Cameroon (MNHQ) Tue 22-Jan-13 11:35:00

Morning everyone,

Thanks to those who brought this thread to our attention. We'd like to remind you all of our talk guidelines, and that the aim of Mumsnet is to make parents' lives easier. So please make sure your posts are constructive, and not personal attacks.

Allaquandry Tue 22-Jan-13 11:40:23

When DB's second wife had a baby, suddenly her attitude to her SD and SS changed. SD was 5 at the time and was shouted out for 'pestering' the mum because she wanted to (a) help change a nappy, (b) help make up a milk bottle. Then DB's wife started asking for more 'space' for the three of them, without the other two children being there 'every bloody weekend'. After a year of trying to reconcile everything, my DB moved out. He was heartbroken, torn between leaving the baby he loved and adored, and protecting the daughter he equally loved and adored. The exW of course now sees that she was reacting illogically, but couldn't see it clearly at the time. Too late for them to be reconciled of course.

OP the way you are posting doesn't sound right. Please heed everyone's advice and speak to your GP. Your family needs good support and if that means you need some help from your GP, then so be it. I was detached from my own DD for a long time because we nearly lost her as a newborn and i kept thinking she might die, so I know how it feels, but is not right for your DSS to feel the effects.

spanky2 England Tue 22-Jan-13 11:48:11

Ds1 was more3 when ds2 was born . we found him pushing a cushion over ds2 's face when he was a newborn . He really didn't know what the consequence of that would be rather than being the spawn of the devil. dss may have dyspraxia. THis behavior seems normal to me. He needs love and support actually. It's normal for boys to be curious about parts they don't have. You are the adult take ownership of your feeling s and cover your boob .

PessaryPam Tue 22-Jan-13 11:48:48

Yes to milf90 Tue 22-Jan-13 10:21:42 This thread is horrible. Full of horrible judgemental self rightous people. Op is struggling, maybe instead of making her feel worse, you should step back and look at the whole scenario and maybe suggest some useful advice? I think that Enfy need to see her doctor and talk to her HV. She sounds like she has some form of PND (which can manifest in many ways) and she needs support.

Enfy, I know you feel overwhelmed by it all at the moment but it will get better, really. You need to talk to someone and get some support. Have you got any family who could step in and help?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 12:04:13

Enfy you mentioned you are returning to work very soon which may bring about more pressure in a different way. So please look after yourself and if things get too much, don't hesitate to have a word with your GP.

I didn't have a high needs baby or a stepson but although I know squat about what the past 8 months have been like for you, starting this thread was a good move. Looking past the sharp pointy stick approaches there has also been a lot of good advice.

ZipItShrimpy Tue 22-Jan-13 12:05:24

I don't think AIBU was really the best place for the OP to start this discussion.

Maybe if she had put it in parenting or behaviour/ development she would have got a totally different response.

I think that posters are just very upset that although the OP may be having a hard time, none of it is the fault of the step son. As the adult, she needs to seek help from either her partner or other support to make sure the SS isn't affected.

Hope you do seek help, Enfy.

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 22-Jan-13 12:12:15

TBF, I and lots of other posters on this thread posted way before the Op started drip feeding (for want of a better word) all her other issues.

My youngest son is now 7. He adores babies. He loves looking at them, and cuddling them, and has been wanting a baby sister or brother for the last 4-5 years in fact! (not going to happen)

As many small boys, he has a fascination with mummys boobs. Not in a sexual way of course, he is just a little boy! In a nice and cuddly and comforting sort of way. I think boobs reminds him of cuddles and closeness and breastfeeding. And when he snuggles himself right into my bosom, I interpret this as him wanting to be extra close, babied, if you like.

I am wondering if you dss when he is looking at you feeding your dd is thinking back and wondering if he was breastfed? If he was also enjoying this closeness with his mum?

I think you need to be very careful with your feeling of being fed up with him, and this goes for his dad also, you might be weirded out, but he may be longing for closeness and the same love he sees bestowed upon your dd.

gotthemoononastick Tue 22-Jan-13 12:27:48

Op,motherhood is hard and you are in that brainfog at the moment.You did choose to be in this situation,though.Seek help..the little boy's story could become what Brothers Grimm fed us all on.

crashdoll Tue 22-Jan-13 14:01:44

I know OP had a hard time but her first post did come across very badly. The reason why people hate drip feeding is because of situations like this! The OP would have had a much easier time if she'd told the whole story at the start.

Anyway, Enfy perhaps post in parenting and see if you can get some different advice. All the best!

AnyFucker Germany Tue 22-Jan-13 18:38:19

After a rough start, the OP has had good advice on this thread.

A website cannot solve these problems. Professional assistance is required.

exoticfruits Tue 22-Jan-13 18:55:29

I thought he was going to be a teenager-not a very young child-why not just give him a cuddle and read him a story while you are feeding his sister?

Floggingmolly Tue 22-Jan-13 19:55:04

Why does she have to sleep on your boob?

Yfronts Tue 22-Jan-13 19:57:02

hes only 6. he's just inoccently interested. no big deal

thetrackisback Tue 22-Jan-13 20:58:13

OP hope you come back and tell us if you have gone anywhere in RL for support?

Smudging Wed 23-Jan-13 07:50:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curiousuze Wed 23-Jan-13 08:17:26

I can understand the discomfort of the staring - I think a lot of people are overreacting on this thread, or have perhaps forgotten how vulnerable you can feel while feeding your newborn. Not 'logical' perhaps because the person staring is 6, but there you are. My MIL kept sitting next to me and staring at my son while I fed him, and even though I knew she was doing it out of adoration, I was this close to punching her in the face! You are just being (over) protective and we've all been there.

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