Mumsnet Talk

I will soon be 24 and I am still a virgin. There, I've said it

Do I want to have sex? YES. Do I want to be in a serious relationship? YES.

Unfortunately, life has been very complicated for me so far, and you could say I haven't had the time or opportunity. I have been in a relationship and there was a physical side to it, but we never went all the way.I am not a prude, but I don't think that I can have sex with anyone I don't genuinely like and trust.

I am feeling very hopeless and quite embarrassed about my situation. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I a complete freak?

Why should you be mortified? Most people are much more embarrassed about misguided sexual encounters they have had than those they haven't.

DH was a virgin until he was 22. It certainly hasn't detracted from his later sex life!

Why on earth should you be mortified? It's not that big a deal. Just relax and enjoy being young. It'll happen when it happens.

I guess I am feeling mortified because most people my age have had several sexual partners, and are much more experienced. Some are even married or have children! I OTOH, have never even had sex.

Nothing to be embarrassed about

If you haven't met anyone you like enough, why should you settle for second rate

Get out there and meet people and don't let this hold you back or become an issue for you

No you are not a freak.

Waiting until you are with someone you love and trust is the most sensible thing.

Don't worry about it.

My DH is the only person I have had sex with, be proud of the fact you are a virgin

You're not a freak! Just incredibly honest!

I think that there are more people than we realise have their first sexual experiences in their 20s but don't admit to it!

I also think there are many, like myself, who had sex once in their teens (17 for me) and then didn't try it again for around 5 years. Looking back this was when I was truly ready.

Everyone is different. By the sounds of it you've had the opportunity but were not ready.

Don't beat yourself up - you are still a young virgin!

Yes, you are being unreasonable - but only to yourself. Honestly, it ain't no thang, and once you've done it your only regret will be that you weren't kinder to yourself and happier today.

Don't worry about it, you will meet someone at some point that you want to have sex with. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin! I have a friend who is 28 and still a virgin, I think it used to bother her but I don't think she particularly cares anymore.

Don't settle for second best just for the sake of it. You have no reason to be mortified.

Yes, I've had opportunities, but I just didn't feel ready. And the guys just weren't right for me.

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a teensy bit better now.

Have pm'd you.

My DP was a virgin when I first got with him, he was 23 so it's nothing to be ashamed of! (He is now also an amazing lover teehee tmi ). He was slightly embarrassed too because he said he wanted to wait for the right person as he didn't want to have sex with some random person, but I was just really touched that he thought that person was me nearly 5 years later and we are still together and expecting out first baby Don't worry about it, I think it's brilliant that you are waiting for someone you trust!

I'm 45 and have only had two partners - my ex husband and dh. I was older than most of my peers loosing my virginity - so what?

Don't put pressure on yourself - when it's the right time you will know, until then don't worry about it!

Having lots of sexual partners is not all it is cracked up to be.

YABU to be mortified. Nothing wrong in the situation you have found yourself in.

Rejoice in the fact you have enough self confidence to not do anything you don't want to do.

You should feel proud of yourself!

Many of your friedns will, or already do, regret a number of their partners. They will regret one night stands. they will regret being coerced into things they were not really comfortable doing. They will wonder what they ever saw in some of them! The vulnerability of young women out clubbing and going off with strangers really worries me. As does the increase in STIs among the young. Many of those who marry young also divorce.

It is absolutely wonderful to wait for the right person and the right time - DH and I were BOTH virgins when we married (age 25 and 28) and have been togetehr 16 years now (and its great learning with someone you know loves you and is not just after a quick shag)

Please don't feel like that. So many people regret their early sexual encounters - and you should be proud of yourself for not just doing it for doing its sake! There is nothing wrong with being a virgin at your age or older! Wait for the right time and the right reasons. It's a shame more people don't take your stance - far better to have sex when ready and with the right person than just doing it.

Don't worry about it; it seems like a big deal now but it really isn't... sooner or later you'll meet the right man for you.

Much better to do it with a person who is right.

You should be happy.

No pregnancy scares.
No unwanted pregnancies.
Less STDs.
Less risk of cervical cancer.

Although what you seem to say is that you haven't had penetrative sex.

Nothing to be mortified about.

Elvis please tell me your PM wasn't an offer?

Seriously not something to be embarrassed about. Ex-boyfriend when I was at Uni was a virgin when I met him and he was 23. He was probably one of the best shags I've had but I will deny ever saying that if DH asks

Crikey, it's only sex. There's no achievement league table, no consequences other than you've avoided all the disadvantages, and not having had sex makes little if any difference to your being able to get down to it enjoyably when the moment arises in the future.

I'm sure I read somewhere that if you're in your twenties or older when you lose your virginity, you're much more likely to actually enjoy it. Makes sense.

Don't be.
I was a virgin till I was 22. (and have only had 2 partners - 2 relationships)
I was and still am the same - I'm not the sort to have sex without the feelings.

It's better to still be a virgin and have had sex with people you don't like. Actually it is something to be proud of.

Also not everyone has shagged loads of people, you know. A couple of my friends only ever slept with each other.

When most of my friends were being coerced and pressured into sex in their teens - I refused. Lost a couple of boyfriends over it as well - but just felt confident that the right person wouldn't pressure me and would respect my decision to wait till I felt it right
And I wasn't 'ready' in my estimation till my early 20s when I met the love of my life - and it was worth the wait to be in a loving, caring relationship with a gentle and thoughtful initiation. Comparing notes with old friends later I feel most fortunate to have such positive associations and attitudes towards sex.
You're worth the wait OP, let someone earn your trust and love first and let it be a complete experience.

YABU to feel inferior or embarrassed about it.

I am the same age as you. Have slept with less than 5 but more than 1 men...could have done without going near 2 with a ten foot barge pole.

It's not a race and there is nothing particularly commendable about putting yourself about,whether one is a woman or a man.(not saying you might be a man,just talking people in general)

You'll know when it's the right person/time.

I was 28 when I lost mine, and I'm not embarrassed in the least. My teenage years were too chaotic for relationships (very unstable family environment), and in my twenties I had such low self-esteem that I didn't even consider that anyone would want to sleep with me. If anyone has a problem with my late start, then it's just that - their problem.

I wish I had waited instead of losing my virginity to someone who didn't really care about me at 17. When it does happen you'll be glad it was with someone special. X

Can totally understand where you re coming from. I was,a virgin until I was 22 and was embarrassed by it. I would make out I had had sex and felt a total odd,ball.

However, 10 years,later,I am not embarrassed by it and openly admit it. I am married to the person I first had sex with and I am glad,I didn't give myself to someone who would use and abuse,me.

Hard to do now but,don't worry about it. You will look back and,laugh at how worked,up you got about it.

Don't be mortified! I was a Virgin until your age too! Nothing to be ashamed of. Just make sure the guy you eventually do "it" with is worth it!

Sorry if this sounds rude but how many virgins were you expecting to find on Mumsnet ?

I lost mine just before I was 21, holiday romance and I don't regret it at all, but I'm 26 now and haven't had sex again since. For me it's not a case of not wanting to or waiting for 'the one', just I'm very shy and the opportunity hasn't arisen since (due to the fact that I can't speak to anyone I find even remotely attractive). We're all different, don't worry about it.

"I don't think that I can have sex with anyone I don't genuinely like and trust" is a really smart attitude to take. In those circumstances you are absolutely right to wait. Good for you for having standards and healthy self-esteem that you won't just sleep with any old rubbish.

I am married to the person I lost my virginity to. I was lucky in that I met DH when I was 18 and he was 19 and although I was a little bit later than most of my friends, I never felt like I was being left behind or anything. I had opportunities to have sex and "get it over with" before I met DH but I chose not to take them and I am so so glad I had my first sexual experience with someone who I loved, who lived and respected me.

My best friend is 31 and a virgin. He finds it incredibly embarrassing and lies about it a lot. He is also gay and has many confidence and body issues which add to his embarrassment. I also have a good female frond who is 29 and I'm pretty sure she is a virgin, although we've never discussed it. Both these friends are good looking, charismatic, lovely people who haven't found the right person yet.

I agree that the older you are, the harder this issue becomes, but it really is worth waiting for the right person. I know so many people who regret their first times, they were too young, too drunk or it was with completely the wrong person. I think it's great that you have the self respect to know you're worth better than that.

Well I'm 31 and have only ever had sex with dh. I wouldn't be mortified in your situation.

YABU to be mortified.

"Yes, I've had opportunities, but I just didn't feel ready. And the guys just weren't right for me. "

You have had chances, but they weren't right for you. To me you sound like a confident person who knows their own mind, not a freak.

YABVU to be mortified, you have a good attitude-stick with it.

Portofino I don't think she's looking to start a club! I'm pretty sure even mums were virgins at one point

I imagine the 'I was like this, but now I'm happily married with a DC and it doesn't matter when you lose your virginity' comments are quite helpful. These comments are likely to come from women older than 24, some of them even mums!!

I'm still a virgin.

I'm older than you. And I can't be arsed with mortification...

* Breathes sigh of relief *

So I'm not the only one. YES!

What, was this your quest to find a fellow virgin?

Sorry, I'm not getting it.

Oh goody, are we all going to swap stories about losing our virginity? Super.

Zooanimals, i am sure OP does not want to start a club, but I wonder why people with no children feel the need to ask people to share such experiences, on Mumsnet of all places. So I would be wary of oversharing here....

Lynette, why are you being so horrible?

Seems a bit odd to me. There are plenty of non-parents on MN. Why would there not be some people who've never had sex?

Porto, I suppose it's because MN is a community of (largely) kind and supportive women. I say, largely ...

One of my friends is 26 and is still a virgin.

I have only had sex with DH, waited until had met the right person and I was in my 20s. I have a couple of friends in their late 20s and early 30s who for whatever reason haven't had sex. Who cares, do what is right for you.

I am just saying that I would be wary of sharing these things on MN with people that you don.t know. Just saying like. This is only the internet where the whole world can read what you posted.

I'm not a mum and I'm not going to be one (too old, etc.). This is the only forum I use. The fact that the OP chose to post here never even crossed my mind. This is the only place I would post on any (general) topic. Some MNers seem not to forget that this is the favourite forum of large numbers of non-parents.

I would think that being a virgin at 24 is unusual, but that doesn't mean you are a freak!

I disagree with the person that said it's 'something to be proud of' though because I think that means that have many partners isn't. It just is what it is. Some people stay with the person they lose their virginity to forever and some don't. Some like casual sex with strangers, some don't.

Sex can be wonderful and you'll get there when you get there. Or maybe you'll never have sex. And either will be fine, because it will be right for you.

YABU to be mortified. It's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

Better to wait for the right person, than to have sex with someone you don't particularly like just because you feel that you should be having sex.

It's probably a lot commoner than you think for people your age to be virgins, or to have only had sex with one partner.

OP, i think its admirable that you have integrity and wont go for a quick shag!
You are not a freak, just a young woman who has your own mind.
I think you should be applauded actually, theres so much shite on tv re reality tv crap, and whos shagging whom, its like sex akin to getting the latest hairspray.

Fair play OP, you don't have to be mortified x
From an old gimmer

I've only ever slept with DH and one of my friends is mid-30s and still a virgin. You wouldn't know to look at her though!! Remember there's no reason to be embarrassed because a) noone knows unless you tell them and b) it's noone else's business.

Some posters seem to forget that others are not posting genuinely or innocently.

You should feel proud of yourself for being sensible and putting your own feelings, mental and physical well being above the need to 'join in with the flock'.

Not saying there is anything with that if that's what someone does want btw, just that if you know what your boundaries are and manage to stick with them rather than succumbing to peer pressure - good on you.

My DP lost his virginity to me at 22. He has no regrets, as he saved himself for someone he knew he loved. Don't be mortified. I can understand why you would feel insecure, afterall you are faced with 2 groups of people: 1. That have had sex, and 2. Ones that haven't, but don't tend to say anything.

If it helps, I lost my virginity to my ex, at 17, and it was greatly influenced by the fact I thought I should have done it already. What a mistake that was... one that influenced my life quite drastically. I used to think also, that perhaps its a bit sad that I am likely to only ever have 2 sexual partners (DP is the man for me)... but it really doesnt matter to me at all.

Also... exP had had multiple sexual encounters and was terrible in bed, and DP obviously a virgin, is VERY good ;)

I don't know why some posters are being so snidey, I think it's being implied that the OP is a troll. Personally I think so fucking what. I don't fact check every post, I don't turn up at people's houses and check their MIL really is as awful as they say she is, if the OP isn't asking for anything except a bit of reassurance, I like it seems most posters, am happy to have a bit of faith.

Quite a few people on mn don't seem to have children, and I sort of think that mn should be supportive and give advice regardless, a bit like a large collective mum to its members.

OP should feel mortified I know of my DN and a couple of her friends are both a similar age and are still virgins. Very attractive girls who I think have had the opportunity but obviously not felt ready or whatever. It sounds that you in yourself are comfortable with it just maybe not the reactions from others about it. You don't have to tell people, just say its private.

Porto we should all be wary about what we post on here obviously, because anyone can read it, but that's true of every thread. Maybe you could start a thread reminding everyone to not post too much of themselves on the interent.

TSC report or be nice.

Jesus, SHOULDN'T feel mortified!

I thought you meant because Jesus was a virgin!

I am being nice. This is me, being nice. see!? I am smiling.

I wish I'd waited too. I really wish DP was my first. If you weren't ready then that's that really, there's no point rushing into things and regretting them!

Me too.
Honest!

Don't be mortified OP, you have the rest of your life to find someone you like. This doesn't have to be a burden you carry around with you, just relax about it.

Well zoo if you want to go down that path, so was Mary.

And they both got statues all over the world so yeah don't feel mortified, wait for the sculptures to arrive.

Thanks for all the replies and the messages really helped me see things in perspective.

As for people who think I'm a troll, I'm not. I've posted here previously on several occasions and have found invaluable help from the ladies on mumsnet.

I think it's OK to want to be in a relationship but not OK to be mortified that you are still a virgin. If you have never met anybody yet that you wanted a meaningful relationship with it is a good thing you are still a virgin. That is my opinion. There are quite a few people who might have had a disastrous first sexual experience and that can be very traumatic.

I recognise the OP, she's the childbirth activist and posts a bit on the feminism boards.

Troll-hunting is becoming the norm round here these days. It's a very unpleasant development. There have been some ridiculous examples lately. OP, take no notice.

OP I have only had one partner - my DH

I met him aged 17 and lost my virginity almost straight away. Well, a few hours later anyway

I always tell him that if I hadn't met him until a few years later, that he would have been worth waiting for

Don't be mortified.

When you find the right man you will lose your virginity to him and absolutely, fully, wonderfully LOVE it.

Believe me. xx

OP, you are definitely not a freak, please don't think that. My dh was a virgin when we met - and he was 28! He was shy and hadn't met the right person - until me

I lost my virginity when I was 17, it was a quite 2 minute fumble and ended with a "sorry its been so long and it doesnt normally happen that fast!" lol I was in love at the time and thought it was a compliment stupidly!

Sex isnt a big a deal as what people make it out to be, losing it just to someone just for the sake of not being a virgin any more, it would be nothing like finding someone you really do have that connection with, sex should be between two people who have that connection no matter what age you might be, it'll happen when you're ready and met someone special.

I was 24, dh was 26. My only regret-and this is tempered by the fact that I learnt a lot from being with the complete I was with before dh, is that we didn't both have sex for the first time together. I was dh's first. I certainly have no regrets about waiting so long.

Ok. You joined MN to tell everyone you're a virgin?

What's wrong with that narked?

Again, why the need to be so scathing? Is it only because the poor woman posted in AIBU? In Chat she would have been fine? No I don't imagine she did join MN to "tell everyone she was a virgin". I imagine she sometimes feels like the only one, because of the utter drivel people spout about sex, and wanted to know if she was as unusual as she thought she was. And she's been told that no, she isn't and not to worry.

Why is that apparently so offensive/unbelievable?

Clearly I'll feel daft if I'm wrong but never mind.

Nothing at all wrong with being a virgin. A bit weird to announce it on a parenting website.

Would those people who want to troll-hunt please have the guts to do so openly. This barely-disguised contempt for OPs is not pleasant. Report if you don't believe it, or risk being reported yourself for not following talk guidelines. No-one is forcing anyone to post on the thread - not to share personal stories and certainly not to have a dig.

She's not 'announcing' it

She's asking whether it's ok or whether it's something to worry about.

Where else could you ask a question like that, if not anonymously on Mumsnet?

ynbu to feel freaky. horrible being a virgin in your twenties. you can really overthink sex.

narked she hasn't joined to announce she is a virgin. She posts in lots of different topics and has been around for a while, this is not her first post. I guess she joined mumsnet to talk about all different things, just like, well....everyone!

Fair enough. Seems an odd thing to post in AIBU about.

Sorry, I missed the guidance on what AIBU can be used for. As far as I can see it's a free for all!

Yes, please point me to the rules about the kind of content/issue that can or can't be posted in AIBU. Or stop not-very-subtly questioning the OP's integrity without any evidence.

Last time i looked, it was open to everyone?
So the OP has chosen to post here, because she wanted to know ISBU.
Not in my book, i'm just glad that she can post here without being judged.
Apparently not, from a few of you.

OP, I first DTD at 21. It was a date rape - I would have waited longer, though I now think I should have shagged my sixth-form boyfriend

It's only a matter of not having done something yet! Whether your first time is a majestic crescendo of powerful longing, a low-key friendly shag, a drunken tumble or a precision-planned ceremony, it will be followed by many other shags of many different varieties. Just make sure you feel safe and use condoms

My friend is and she's 31, I have a male friend who is 35.

No big deal.

I was 30 before I even kissed. A background of emotional and physical abuse as a child and teenager was the cause. I didn't understand love and if I'm honest I still don't.

No biggy being a virgin at 24, but I'd check out your emotional side and make sure you feel healthy. If you are, be happy and see what life brings

I can't see what there is to be mortified about really OP, if you don't want to sleep with just anyone then continue waiting until you meet someone you feel is right for you.

Cos it's so much better to be sleeping around with all and sundry and then spending time getting checked for STIs and worrying waiting for the results...

I've been with DH since I was 18 so there has only been him and xBF who I was with for a couple of years before DH.

There is no right or wrong but there is a 'right for you'. I've often thought (when younger, god I feel old saying that and I'm only late 20s) 'I'm not normal' but now I just think that it isn't me to jump into bed with just anyone and I'd feel worse now if I looked back and and had loads of partners. Similarly, there's nothing wrong with people having more partners IF THEY THINK ITS RIGHT FOR THEM

its clearly important to you to wait for mr right so go with that and don't fret.

Good for you!
You should be proud not to have succumbed to the pressures of this society obsessed with sex.

I've only been with two people, i lost my virginity to a male mate, a shag buddy really at 17. Bit of a fumble every now and then.

After that i met and married exh. I haven't had sex for a few years.

I was legally 16, and 11 months withy dh, I knew he was the one!!!

The other time I was 14

I find it odd that so many people on here are virgins or have only had one or two lovers. In this day and age if I knew anyone in their mid twenties or older that was still a virgin I would think that there was something wrong with them. (which I appreciate is not nice but it's honest if nothing else).

Perhaps that statement is more a reflection of you and the people you know (which I appreciate is not nice, but hey, at least it's honest.)

Another very intelligent comment.

Newsflash: not everyone on MN has had a man's willy up her foof. Some if them....gosh..... don't have children!!! Imagine that!

I find some people's compulsion to be obnoxious just because it's AIBU quite odd actually.

It's Quality not Quantity that counts in my book so no, being a virgin at 24 is neither weird nor repressed.

Fwiw plenty of people who have had sex think they're experts at it, <klaxon> some of them aren't.

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin - although since you seem so hung up about it, I don't now why you don't just go out there and get laid.

And to those that are saying that it's better than sleeping around - speak for yourself.

I had a lot of partners in my 20s and i don't regret one minute of it.

Danny that says more about you than it does about virgins. That's quite pathetic.

OP I don't know why you're getting a hard time. I was 23 when I lost my V plates. I lost them to my DH on our wedding night. He had had lots of sex with lots of women and now says that he regrets doing that and wished he had been a bit more selective about who he had slept with.

It's an individual choice so dont feel bad.

Nice Danny - I bet you think comments like that are really clever. Well I reiterate what I said before; I was 23 when I lost my virginity - to the man that would eventually become my husband. I waited until I had found a man that I loved & by whom I felt respected. I now have a baby dd & I hope she has the self respect to wait until she is 100% ready - be that when she is 16 or 26. OP there is NOTHING wrong or weird about you & don't you let anyone (Danny) tell you otherwise

If you were just two years younger, I'd wonder if you were my sisters best friend......?

YABU to worry about it, but YANBU to be a virgin while you choose to be

I'm just a bit older than you, OP. If anything, I have more respect for you as a person for not having sex just to lose your virginity than I would for a lot of other people.

Sex isn't all it's cracked up to be. Wait until you find someone you really love, and it will be special for you.

Very common! Not unusual at all, people just don't talk about it much. I won't tell you how old my husband was because he wouldn't thank you, but older than you and he was awesome right off the bat. I know lots of people who were a bit older than people seem to expect - yes a lot of people lose in in their teens but plenty don't. The sex I had in my teens was rubbish - coercive and shit communiciation. Sometimes I'm really envious of my husband because he had sex for the first time as an emotionally mature person with an emotionally mature person.

Captain Awkward's had a few posts about this: captainawkward.com/2011/05/17/reader-question-50-im-a-27-year-old-virgin-and-im-mostly-okay-with-that-but-sometimes-i-feel-like-a-loser/ if you want to read about other people's experiences.

*I don't think that I can have sex with anyone I don't genuinely like and trust*

That's one of the nicest things I've read on mumsnet. That's exactly as it should be and one day I'm sure you will be very happy indeed and have lots and lots of lovely sex with the right man in a loving relationship exactly as it should be.

I expect the OP posted here because this is a community of supportive and usually intelligent women. Where else do you think she should post if she is a regular member here?

I mean, I'm not a parent, but I hang out here because MN is an eclectic place and I usually find interesting stuff here. I don't necessarily want to read all the threads about BLW etc., but people talk about all kinds of stuff here that is not strictly parenting related. I didn't realise that not having a proven fertile uterus meant I should piss off somewhere else.

WantsToBeFree just wondering, do you have much scope for meeting new people? Are you in a bit of a rut, socially? Sometimes it's a matter of not meeting the 'right' person, sometimes it's just not socialising or working with anyone unattached or fanciable or in the age range you'd be interested in.

Anyway, you're not a freak, many think it's better to get to know someone as a friend first, see if anything further develops. The idea that oh anyone will do, get the first time over with and it becomes less of a big deal, doesn't always work out, so don't feel you have to get it over with.

If I had my time over again, I would've have waited much much longer than I did OP.

I just did a little searching. From your other threads you have strong reasons behind your decision to avoid penetrative sex. I'm sorry for suggesting you were less than genuine.

Whilst its admirable of you to apologise and admit that you were wrong Narked, I can't help feeling that 'researching' other posters is more than just a bit 'wrong'

If the thread was not of interest to you, or you struggled to 'get it' then you should have simply just walked away.

Calling the OP's motives for posting, into question is just weird. Going off to reasearch a poster in order to try and trash them further, is just plain unpleasant.

my dh was a virgin when we got married. For him it was a faith choice (I came to faith a bit late to be a virgin, but had been celebate for years before we met)

Our wedding night was very special and he has never regretted it. There is something great about waiting for someone you love and trust.

Well said Betty - that sort of thing is just snooping IMO

It is better to protect it than to give it away freely ....

'Going off to reasearch a poster in order to try and trash them further'

Did I?

What is the search option there for if not to search posters other threads? <genuine question>

This thread is pissing me right off now. I have no problem with people being virgins but some of the attitudes towards women who choose to have more than a few partners are just nasty. Have your views and live your life the way you want but there's no need to trash other women's choices. I've got plenty of self respect and had a great time fucking around when I was younger.

I remember the OPs other threads and there probably is a link between other things she's posted about and this issue. I don't think narked was being nasty at all.

It is considered bad form to let on you have gone to search for other posts by one particular poster. <Helpful>.

Fwiw had there not been an innocent intent, surely there wouldn't have a subsequent apology?

Well said, AK.

I don't think narked was being nasty at all either.

better to protect it than to give it away freely

For crying out loud. "It" doesn't exist! Virginity is an absence, not a possession or an achievement. What if there was a word for not knowing how to drive? Would you go on about protecting or giving it away?? Surely you'd simply get around to it when conditions were right for you.

Bloody hell is it 1952?

Some women enjoy sex, some women like having lots of partners, some women enjoy one night stands, some women can fuck men they don't love or have deep feelings for.

there had been a lot of patronising guff going on here. truth is for many peple who are virgins in their twenties and older, it is a big deal and the longer they stay that way the bigger the problem can become. it is often a confidence, fear of intimacy thing.

I agree garlic good point.

For balance I also find it odd when women in their mid-twenties have had hundreds of lovers. But what do I know? I find it bizarre that you pay VAT on tampons.

Ok. The thread will go go thus - women who did "sleep around" in their youth will now decide lots of the responses are negative judgements about 3their decisions, instead of well meaning reassurances to the OP that no, she should not feel mortified. Cue posters coming on saying "How dare you judge me! I had a great time...I have plenty of self respect."

Well good for you. This thread is not about you, however: it's a response to a question posed by the OP.

Don't know where that random 3 came from.

People who had lots of partners - this thread is not about you so no need to get wound up. You actually do not have the "virginity problem" and in fact society on the whole does not make you feel like a freak which is what the OP says she feels.

That said, I think some posters are missing the point of the OP. She doesn't particularly want to protect "it" or make "it" into something sacred. She would quite like to be in a sexual relationship.

It's a bit too easy to say "oh well done you how lovely" but I'd guess the OP feels like she's missing out on experience and learning and fun. And that the longer she leaves it the more she might feel stressed and embarrassed about it and that creates a vicious circle. I actually do feel that society makes far too much of a scene about sex but I can also imagine how the OP feels and there might come a point where she decides to just get on with it in order to get that mental hurdle out of the way.

Xpost with ariel with whom I completely agree.

Well, that's odd, Ariel. We must be on different threads.
I haven't seen a single respondent saying OP would be reasonable to feel "mortified".
Nobody's suggested she get laid for the sake of it.
I have seen several attempting to support a person's right to choose sexual activity, against those who imply that promiscuity devalues them or their sexuality.
If there's any judging going on, it's all one way - and not the way OP feared.

Women are not sexual gatekeepers. I will never fail to answer those who try to force that role upon us.

Hmmm.
I think that while there is certainly nothing to be mortified about if you are a virgin at 24, perhaps you are, without meaning to, building the penetrative act up into something a lot more significant than it really is?
You would be forgiven for thinking in these porn obsessed times that sex means a woman being pounded by a cock of monumental proportions. It all seems quite aggressive and somewhat painful, the act of "getting it in".
It doesn't have to be like that. it can be friendly, funny, sweet, and it doesn't have to be with someone you love more than life itself. Just someone you like and who likes you.
There seems to be some on here who see it as a choice between only sleeping with "the one" and shagging around, being "used and abused" and getting stds.
Well, that's just silly.
Dont stress about it. I reckon that once you have done it, you will feel a bit "is that it?"

Heh, I agree with your reply above, drjohn, but not Ariel's!

I wrote that my first PIV sex was a date rape at age 21. I also said I wish I'd DTD with my boyfriend at 17. This is not to say I feel I "should" have done things differently, merely that sex with the boyfriend would have been a nicer first time than the one I had.

My upbringing fell far short of perfect and I had overblown ideas of the right time/man ... these were basically virginity-led ideas, rather than having confidence in my own responses. Because of this I did not actually recognise the 'right' time when it happened. No long-term harm done; I went on to experiment as normal for my age & circumstances; had a lot of good times and some disappointing.

I have found my enthusiasm for social sex waxing & waning throughout my life. It's got nothing to do with morals or self-worth. Life goes in cycles and, for women in particular, those are strongly influenced by hormonal changes. I believe any woman who feels she "should" deny her sexuality - whether by having more sex, not having sex, or ignoring her orientation - is suffering from coercion. Be that imposed by her culture or her partner/s, I hope I would try to help her escape such constraints.

OP, you haven't said whether you feel constrained which is why I've not addressed the possibility.

I haven't seen a single respondent saying OP would be reasonable to feel "mortified".

She used the word herself in her OP. And you're right, the majority of people have said don't be daft - of course you shouldn't. I was referring to posts like AKissIsNotAContract's.

And I agree that she actually would like to have sex now, but because she is 24, it has become this big "thing" when in fact it isn't. Society is obsessed with sex, obsessed with it - over here and in the US, pretty much every facet of life is about people and sex, at the same time as a ridiculous coyness about it.

I find it all quite peculiar.

Really, sex is quite unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Do it when you are ready.

So was I until 23 ... terminally shy and socially challenged and lost my Dad who I adored at 19, which hadn't helped... I also thought I was ugly ..(slim and flat chested compared to all my size 14 curvy friends)..

I think your issues with trust need exploring .. was your father absent or withholding emotionally or is there some trauma you haven't processed ? Don't feel mortified, I didn't ... I just felt that until then (23) the idea of it was nice but the real thing had me running for the hills... emotionally I was still a scared 12 ...who lived a fantasy life thru books and tv where it was all rather different ... reality v fantasy is also an issue sometimes....or are there issues with your self esteem as well, because that didn't help me big time & its still an issue for me now in my early forties ?

Please don't rush into anything to "lose" it when you meet the right person it will happen : )

If anyone judges you for the number of sexual partners you've had or haven't had they are a massive tool!

Ariel I completely agree with everything you've said on this thread.

<preens>

drjohn pretty much summed it up. wish folk would stop patting op on the head and telling her it will all be great when she finds the right one and how great she is for not giving it away.

Thanks Begonia. Meant to say I agreed with your post too <curries favour shamelessly>

OP has any of this been of any help at all? "Not really" would be an acceptable answer btw but I hope there's been something here for you.

I don't see why those who have lots of partners should do down those who have few or none NOR why those who have few or none should do down those who have lots... it's SUCH a personal preference.

However, to the OP I would say that pure statistics mean that the longer she waits the more likely her partner will have experience so i would strongly advise learning what you like and to pleasure yourself so that you will know what you want with a partner... do not let your inexperience allow you to settle for rubbish sex when the time comes

I appreciate all the opinions and patience on this thread! Thanks so much ladies.

It's difficult to reply individually to every post, so I'm just going to address some of the questions that were asked to me by various posters.

1. Yes, my social life has been a bit restricted these past few years. Partly because I'm very academic and partly due to familial circumstances which were quite unpleasant. So it could well be the fact that I don't get to meet too many new people.

2. Some posters have referred to my "issues" and how they may be interfering with my desire for penetrative sex. Well, the issues in question are tokophobia and anxiety. However, I want to clarify that my fear of pregnancy and childbirth have nothing to do with my being a virgin. I don't consider myself afraid of sex or physical intimacy. There is some concern about an unplanned pregnancy however, that can be dealt with by using birth control. It certainly doesn't stand in the way of my having sex with a man.

3. I don't consider myself better than anyone else my age who may have slept with even 100 men. Like others have pointed out, it's a very personal thing. Just as I wouldn't like being judged for my lack of partners, I don't think it's fair to judge anyone else for how many ever partners they've had.

4. A poster suggested that I should erm, pleasure myself in the meanwhile. I do that already

5. Could I be building the act up to more than it actually is? Maybe. I'm not sure.

Wantstobefree

point 5 - yes, probably.

Don't worry about it and don't expect your first time to be all crashing waves - it hardly ever is!!

Glad you came back OP. Hope whatever you decide to do in future, you don't right now feel weird or lacking in any way.

Agree re point 5 and also with IfNotNow above... People keep telling you you'll meet The One and you'll know etc etc and of course I really hope you do, but unfortunately that's not a cast-iron guarantee for anyone in life.

I think if you're able to get your social life up and running, things will change rapidly. If I had to give you any advice, fwiw, it would be don't internet date, do take up activities that will give you a chance to meet people with the same interests, and do focus more on enjoyment of people's company in the moment than on The One, or Eyes Meeting Across a Crowded Room, or Seeing Stars or any of that waffle

YANBU to be mortified because the cultural norms dictate that we should all have had our first serious relationship at 16 and have had multiple sexual partners and all kinds of exciting adventures by the time we're 21. It is embarrassing when you feel excluded from the cultural mainstream in that way. However, I would say that the cultural mainstream is being unreasonable really rather than you.

It's important to wait for the right person and time so that you're comfortable and it's a good experience. If that right person and time is when you're 16, great. If not, that's also great. It is a cliche but when you meet the right person, he won't care what your history - or lack of history - is.

I spent most of my college years freaking out about the fact that I was a virgin still while most of my close friends were in serious relationships. It made me feel so self-conscious and worried. In the end, it didn't matter a bit when I met the right person.

Point 5 - likely to a degree. My parents were strict (fear or unwanted pregnancy or being found out was terriifying) and I never was good growing up with the whole boyfriend thing, really awkward with sort of thing though I had some close friends who were boys. I definitely had some issues but didn't want to have casual meaningless sex for my first time, so as I didn't have a proper boyfriend it just didn't happen. Had plenty of encounters where we did practically anything but have PIV sex. Had fun and often wished I had just gone for it with guys I really fancied and just had fun but I wanted it to be with someone I trusted and had some kind of relationship with. Always thought no boy would really be interested in me longer term, truth is I've always been prickly as I've dreaded being rejected and made to look foolish. When I eventually done the deed in my early twenties with a drunken one night stand, it meant absolutely nothing - I really was like 'was that it'. Wish I had done it years ago with one of the guys I had actually fancied.

Being a virgin is horrible when you don't particularly want to be one but you fear intimacy (not physical) with someone. You worry if you will ever meet someone, have children - just be normal and the longer you leave it the worse it becomes.

By waiting for the right person and time, by the way, I don't mean 'saving yourself for marriage', I just mean finding someone you're comfortable with. It may be a one-night stand or a short relationship or the man you marry but you might as well try and make it a positive experience!

Forgot to add, I did eventually meet someone who was quite experienced. I eventually made myself open up and forced myself to take the chance and go on dates and possibly face rejection. All very old fashioned for a little while. Many years later we are still together with children and yes IT was lovely being with some you trusted and who cared about you.

Don't judge yourself according to other people's life..

Whether you have sex all the time, or never, both are o.k.

Whatever floats your boat....

And remember, when you feel someone is judging you:

"Whatever you think of me is not my business"

I was really surprised to see this thread here, nobody ever seems to talk about it. I'm a 29 year old virgin and I never saw anything wrong with it but in my case sexual and emotional abuse gave me a sex phobia and I needed intensive therapy to get over it. Its not about sex, its about love and your virginity is a beautiful gift to give the person you fall in love with.

Its not about sex

Teacake, it is exactly about sex! What do you think "virginity" means, if not "Hasn't yet had PIV sex"?

As I keep saying, I wish the damn word never existed.

Well, if you want to get technical about it you can take love out of the equation and look at virginity from its historical roots as a symbol of purity and a means of protecting royal bloodlines from contamination and since then society has done a 180 flip and virginity is a symbol of repression and prudishness. Plus if we're just taking it from the mechanical details we can say that my abuser took my virginity. I'd rather not if you don't mind.

There a quite a few reasons for folk to remain virgins into their twenties. Sometimes they overlap but the OP doesn't want to be a virgin, she doesn't want to be alone. In the end I was just glad to get rid of it, it was no big deal physically or emotionally when I did it. My problem was more with I emotional intimacy and fear of rejection, low self esteem with the opposite sex - it wasn't a physical problem as such.

I understand that, Teacake I wondered if it was what you were alluding to. People who were sexually abused get a kind of honorary virginity because, as you're all too aware, the technical fact carries more weight than it deserves and you need a re-interpretation that is valid for you.

Yet another reason why I wish there was no such word.

Maybe eventually it will become a thing of the past and the first time you have sex will become obsolete and more geared towards the first time you fall in love. Its hard to wipe out the legacy of a worldwide symbol of purity and as a Catholic and a girl who grew up in an intensively sexualised era I always felt like I was being pulled in two wildly different directions.

Funnily enough, during my therapy I discovered just how woeful sex education in my country is. My therapist recommended a book for me to track down and they wouldn't deliver it to my home. I got the ebook version by giving a fake U.S. address.

Didn't want to ignore your posts, either, Begonia. I empathise with what you've posted; you've written it so well, there's nothing more to be said

Like you, I'd have done myself a better service by just picking one of my boy friends to - er, practice with!

GarlicBlocks has a point - it's bonkers how so many people bother to classify adults - diverse, complex, multi-faceted adults - as either virgins or non-virgins. I wonder if there are cultures that don't have a word for virginity?

Lucky you, OP. You're strong enough to stay in control of your sexuality and decide what YOU want to do. By your age I'd been subjected to sexual trauma and have struggled ever since.

Just bear in mind the right person doesn't necessarily have to mean Mr. Right. It could mean Mr. Right Now! Sometimes we can be compatible with, trust and enjoy intimacy with partners we wouldn't necessarily have long relationships with. And I don't actually think being a virgin has, or should have, any real significance. Having good experiences that are of your choosing is the really important thing.

I was about 23 and lost mine to another virgin (boyfriend at the time) who was about 23. Don't worry it will happen and a couple of years later you won't remember!
Keep dating. Chances are you will find someone who is in a similar situation or it just won't seem to matter.

I was a really old 'v' loser compared to my friends (18) and it was with my one and only too who I didn't meet till I was 18 either.

It really is no big deal I wish I had done it sooner and not let my poor confidence hold me back.

My ex was a virgin till we got together. He was 26. I had alot of respect for him for that as he waited till he met the right person. . Sadly we split up 8months later lol

I bet your first time as a wiser adult is going to be a lot better than mine as a naive, stupid teen. Enjoy it, but take it slow with the right person. In fact, I'd go so far as to treasure your purity.

Plenty of people your age and older have stayed virgins for religious reasons!

So why should it matter if you are still a virgin?

Its your choice! If you really want to be in a relationship again, you could try a reputable dating agency to try and meet someone.

" I'd go so far as to treasure your purity."

treasure, it was like a weight round my neck. Do people still say stuff like that, sounds like that kind of thinking could be one of the reasons some folk get screwed up about it all. Surely we should just be telling people to wait till they feel ready and want it, and old enough to handle sex.

You're still young though! I was 23 before I met my first bf, just busy uni life/travelling/lack of tolerance for bawbags/a kick ass vibrator meant I never wanted to fuck anyone until I met someone I liked and trusted. He was a friend that I had had a crush on and we just started spending more time together and then we had sex and it was really great. Ended up marrying and procreating with him. And the intercourse remains filthy and satisfying.

Well I more or less meant be happy with being a virgin, don't be desperate to have sex just because you want to remove the label.

It always seems to be people who had sex in their teens that say that kind of thing though. It comes across as quite patronising. The problem is usually much more than just about losing your virginity. It is why you can't seem to get close enough to someone to lose it when everyone else seems to be able to do it.

Well the way you put it Begonia makes it sound desperate and I'm sure it isn't like that. When you're a virgin at an older age you probably are likely to have it on your mind when you enter a relationship, and perhaps that affects the start of the relationship for the worse.

I do understand what you mean, though. When all your peers seem to be doing something that you're not, you do wonder why, or know why but feel powerless to change it.

MY DP said that he was a virgin at 22 and had only had one 1 night stand at 24. He told me to write "I was pretty much a virgin at 24 so it doesn't matter'.

(BTW he is a 9.4 on hot or not and is adored by everyone who meets him, I had to fight off a few to get to him tbh!)

One relationship with someone who was celibate later he met me. A woman who had spent the past five years enjoying sex with whoever was willing and attractive enough for me.

And when we met our previous experience just didin't matter. We just had very very different sexual morals. But that just didn't matter as us having sex was different to all of that.

People are veyr against committing, marrying, having children before you personally are ready and in a good position to do so, so why should having sex be any different. To deny this is desparate hypocrisy to people who claim to be liberal about sex and relationships.

However, I owuld question why you were in a relationship with someone you didn't like and trust?

plus, not wanting PIV sex is a completely ligitimate option.

No Boomewang, I'd say many folk who are still virgins into their twenties and thirties can feel quite desperate and abnormal and inadequate.

"You're still young though! I was 23 before I met my first bf, just busy uni life/travelling/lack of tolerance for bawbags/a kick ass vibrator meant I never wanted to fuck anyone until I met someone I liked and trusted. He was a friend that I had had a crush on and we just started spending more time together and then we had sex and it was really great. Ended up marrying and procreating with him. And the intercourse remains filthy and satisfying."

Made my day.