AIBU To think that it's rude to assk for something back months after you gave it away ?

(81 Posts)
GrinchAnInch Sun 20-Jan-13 16:03:51

Someone gave something to me a few months ago, it is not something i use all the time but is quite usefull to have and it does get used. They have now asked for it back. I don't want to give it back and i'm not sure if IABU if I say no. I can't pretend I don't have it or that it's broken as they will probably see it in the future. I just find it very rude for them to expect it back and I'm a little cross that they have put me in this position.


fluffyraggies Sun 20-Jan-13 16:05:22

Was it 'given' or lent though?

And what is it please smile


Booyhoo Sun 20-Jan-13 16:06:41

need more info before i can call it.

what is the thing?

was it given or loaned?

was it very clear whether it was given or loaned?

who is the person?/what is their relationship to you?

LittleMissFantabulous Sun 20-Jan-13 16:07:19

fluffy has it, if it was only a loan you've no choice really. Sorry!

Sorry OP, definitely need more info!

GrinchAnInch Sun 20-Jan-13 16:09:55

It was given and they know they gave it to us as they had no use for it. I am not prepared to give more details as it might out me and I have no idea if the mn or not.

diddl Sun 20-Jan-13 16:10:37

Well if they´ve asked for it back, I´m thinking that they looked on it as a loan.

Give it back & be thankful for the use that you´ve had!

Sounds like a miscommunication. Can't you give it back and buy one?

Booyhoo Sun 20-Jan-13 16:13:18

well then i have no idea whether YABU or not. it seems they think it was loaned. you think it was given. sounds like miscommunication. if you really want to keep it, ask them if they would mind letting you have it permanently. perhaps offer money.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 20-Jan-13 16:13:54

What did they say when they asked for it back,

Please PM me what it is or I shan't sleep tonight smile

... and it's definitely not me. I wouldn't ask for it back.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 20-Jan-13 16:14:43

How expensive is this 'thing'?

Could you just buy yourself one and hand theirs back graciously, even though they're being rude asking for it back.

GrinchAnInch Sun 20-Jan-13 16:15:03

I probably am going to give it back but they have acknowledged that they gave it to us, They were going to chuck it in a skip as they needed it out of the way. i can only assume that as you all think it must be a missunderstanding that they are in fact cheeky feckers grin to ask for it back.

HecateWhoopass Sun 20-Jan-13 16:16:00

Well, you could say sorry, you gave it to me. Once you give something to someone - you can't take it back. If you'd loaned it to me, then that would be different. But you GAVE it to me, so sorry, no. I still use it."

Or you could shrug, think well, bloody hell, that's charming. And give it back. And just let it go.

I suppose it depends how much you want the item and how saying no is going to affect the relationship.

But it isn't impossible that they didn't actually mean to give it to you. Just let you have it on what my dad calls 'permanent loan'. He's done that with a campbed. It's still his but we can have it forever. Unless he needs it. grin

fluffyraggies Sun 20-Jan-13 16:16:29

Hmmm. Is this person usually reasonable and fair? If so i think it may have been more of a loan in their eyes. Even if it was something they weren't using at the time.

It's not a pram is it??

Sorry i know you don't want to say. Is it childcare related?

MummytoMog Sun 20-Jan-13 16:16:32

Hmm. I lent my SiL some baby things and haven't had them back yet, which is annoying as I would like to sell them. Am now thinking that I wasn't clear enough about it being a loan (although I did say about at least one thing that I wanted it back because it was so lovely).

HecateWhoopass Sun 20-Jan-13 16:16:50


well, that's different grin

If there is no confusion at all, then if you don't want to give it back - don't.

Booyhoo Sun 20-Jan-13 16:16:56

is it a cot or travel cot? i could see how they might suddenly need that again after thinking they were done with it! grin

fluffyraggies Sun 20-Jan-13 16:17:48

Oh x posts!

They were going to bin it!

Perhaps they have fallen on hard times? I think you'll have to give it back OP, sorry.

EndoplasmicReticulum Sun 20-Jan-13 16:18:03

Is it a baby-related thing - like a pram, their youngest grew out of it, gave it away, they are now unexpectedly having another baby?

I suppose I'd give it back, but I would not be happy about it and would grumble about them behind their backs.

Fakebook Sun 20-Jan-13 16:18:44

Is it a lawn mower? A sledge? It's a sledge.

Booyhoo Sun 20-Jan-13 16:18:53

also agrre that it depends how nice they are usually.

MrsMushroom Sun 20-Jan-13 16:19:40

Is it a vacuum cleaner or lawn mower or something? just tell us if it's baby or domestic related!

TheFallenNinja Sun 20-Jan-13 16:20:20

If it is a kidney then YANBU, however, you seem reluctant to say what it is so not sure.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 20-Jan-13 16:21:49

What is it? Is it a bread maker?

GrinchAnInch Sun 20-Jan-13 16:22:16

I am going to give it back as they are not reasonable people about things like this and to be honest I'm just not prepared to fall out over it.
It would cost £30-£40 to replace but I haven't got it to spare at the moment, especially not for something I don't need (but is handy to have). If they offer me anything else I will politely decline grin as I refuse to be used ass free storage.

chanie44 Sun 20-Jan-13 16:23:02

Unless they specifically said 'it's yours forever' it falls into a grey area and therefore you should give it back as they may have assumed it was a loan.

I do think it is a bit mean to ask for it back if they clearly gave it to you, but then if you have benefitted from using this item for free then maybe you need to suck it up and give it back.

Is there any way you could share it as you said you don't use it all the time.

fluffyraggies Sun 20-Jan-13 16:23:29

Is it a sex toy? wink

ripsishere Sun 20-Jan-13 16:25:00

or a mooncup?

ripsishere Sun 20-Jan-13 16:25:33

Although if it was destined for a skip, you'd need to have a bucket fanny.

diddl Sun 20-Jan-13 16:26:03

Well if you don´t need it it won´t really be a problem to give it back, will it?

Perhaps they now have a use for it/someone wants to buy it/they want to sell it.

Allice Sun 20-Jan-13 16:26:06

I think if I were you I would give it back but I'd be mightily pissed off.

Is it the kind of thing you could ask for on Freecycle? If it's a bulky item others might be looking to get rid of one too.

atacareercrossroads Sun 20-Jan-13 16:30:32

A coffee table?

GrinchAnInch Sun 20-Jan-13 16:32:30

No it's not a major problem to give back but I still think it's rude to give something away then months later say "you know that thing we gave you, well we have a use for it now so would like it back please"

As I said i am going to give it back, and forget the whole thing (except everytime I could use it and have to do without) grin

Is it a seasonal thing?

And they've discovered they really need it now?

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Sun 20-Jan-13 16:33:27

YANBU but ime it s easiest to give it back and never EVER accept from them again.

IslaValargeone Sun 20-Jan-13 16:36:59

We experienced something similar.
My fridge broke and someone said we could have their old one, six months later they were having a barbecue and wanted the fridge back to store the extra food and drink for the party.

HecateWhoopass Sun 20-Jan-13 16:44:16

grin fair enough.

But be happy with your choice.

don't do it and resent it.

Or make quips when you're round their house and they give you a cup of tea

"Now, are you sure you're giving this to me? Because I don't want to drink it and then you ask for it back..."


PercyClarke Sun 20-Jan-13 16:46:20

I think you are BU, actually.

Hmmm... I would probably not have asked for it back if I was your friend because I'd have felt I was being a bit cheeky.

BUT I am shock that you would even consider refusing to return it. They gave it to you free of charge, you've had loads of use out of it and it's an non-essential but nice to have item- this has been a pretty good deal for you. I get that it's annoying, but I don't understand how you'd think that you'd have the moral highground if you refused to return it. They did you a favour - now you're doing one for's how friendship works.

It's not like they've turned up demanding back the breastpump which you need to feed your prem baby in an incubator and you won't be able to replace it for weeks because all the shops are out of stock and you have had your credit cards frozen.

I do understand that you've decided to return it btw - I'm just expressing shock at the fact that you think that it might be ok not to.

GrinchAnInch Sun 20-Jan-13 16:55:44

Thanks for all your comments.

Ok I'll tell you what it is, It's a tall stairgate. we use it to keep the dog (and kids) off wet paint when decorating and also to stop the dog getting out the kitchen or scratching the door when our friends kids are here who don't like the dog. I'm not sure why they want it as they have no animals or small children. i think they have given it to someone else. anyway they are coming to get it in the week and i will keep an eye out on freecycle.

Booyhoo Sun 20-Jan-13 16:59:19

could they be pregnant? or their grown up dcs be pregnant?

Booyhoo Sun 20-Jan-13 16:59:58

or getting a dog?

PercyClarke Sun 20-Jan-13 17:12:10

Maybe they're expecting a grandchild or they know a struggling young family with who have a tiny baby and zero cash who really need it.

I wouldn't expect them to be saying "Oh, we can't get that one back from GrinchAnInch because she needs it to keep the dog off the wet paint when she's decorating" hmm

Actually scratch all the possible scenarios justification. It doesn't matter what they need it for. It's annoying for you, sure, but you've had a good - free - useage of it. Now they want it back. So give it back and stop carping about what brass-necked feckers they are.

GrinchAnInch Sun 20-Jan-13 18:01:30

I was hardly carping on Percy and have accepted it must be returned but I still find it rude to give something away then ask for it back so i guess IABU !

Pigsmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:13:07

Is it a kidney?

angelttc91 Sun 20-Jan-13 18:16:58

No you ANBU, it's damn right rude to ask for something back you gave away. Especially months later! Cheeky so and so, I've had this happen myself and told them where to go

greenpostit Sun 20-Jan-13 18:17:15

Yanbu - very rude to ask for something back unless it was specifically borrowed rather to given away.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 20-Jan-13 18:20:02

I don't think YABU.

I do think you're doing the right thing in giving it back. They sound like arses.

No, YANBU! They were going to PUT iT IN THE SKIP! (yes I'm shouting). If you hadn't taken it, would they be down the rubbish dump trying to find it?

I find it very obnoxious to ask for things back when given away even though I didn't that with a watch I hastily gave away, didn't push the point or get it back

maddening Sun 20-Jan-13 18:23:43

Yanbu to feel it is rude - but now they have asked it is best as you are doing - no point falling out over it.

newNN Sun 20-Jan-13 18:33:29

I wouldn't give it back. If they don't worry about offending you by asking for something that they had given to you (the clue is in the word 'given') , then why should you worry about offending them by saying no fuck off.

They haven't done you a favour at all. I gave my friend a load of baby stuff after I had dc2. I didn't ask for it back once I was pg with dc3, because I'd given it to her.

I would tell them that I would let them have it once I was done with it!

newNN Sun 20-Jan-13 18:35:14

I would actually consider it worth falling out over, because it would annoy me every time I saw them, so the friendship would be affected regardless of whether you keep it or give it back. So you might as well keep it.

Mintyy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:36:00

I don't think its rude. You sound rather ungracious and ungrateful tbh.

BuiltForComfort Sun 20-Jan-13 18:41:43

Can you borrow it from them in future? If you use it occasionally then get them to store it and just get back on loan when you want.

GrinchAnInch Sun 20-Jan-13 18:46:03

Why ungracious and ungreatful ? I was grateful when they gave it to me. I do find it quite weird that people think it's ok to give something away then ask for it back. I have given them stuff too but wouldn't dream of asking for it back even when I could of really used it. would you think it was ok to ask for a gift back ?

MrsMushroom Sun 20-Jan-13 21:15:29

It doesn't sound like you're desperate for it. Shut the door when you want the dog out of the way and decorate when the kids aren't in.

mercibucket Sun 20-Jan-13 21:30:50

They've used you as free storage
It is rude to ask for it back, but the right thing to do is to give it back. Unless you want to give it to someone else asap just to annoy them. Or throw it in a skip

SanityClause Sun 20-Jan-13 21:38:23


It is rude to give something, then ask for it back. I think you are doing the right thing by returning it, as refusing would seem a bit OTT. But they are the rude ones, not you, and I'm a bit amazed that people are calling you things like ungracious, when actually you are being very gracious by giving it back without any carping or fuss!

faustina Sun 20-Jan-13 21:44:16

grinch, if you're anywhere near suffolk I have one doing absolutely nothing that you can have forever! PM me

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 20-Jan-13 21:57:41

Some people are very odd, some of the replies are weeeeeeeelllll strange grin

Of course YANBU they GAVE it to you, it was you or the skip. No misunderstanding. No longer theirs.

It is rude to ask for it back.

I would give it back, but it would affect how I feel about them, a lot. So maybe NewNN is right grin

rainbow2000 Sun 20-Jan-13 22:07:34

Id give it back but wouldnt accept anything off them again.How can you be ungracious when these people have a neck like a jockeys bollocks,they have no shame

GrinchAnInch Sun 20-Jan-13 22:08:24

Thanks faustina but sadly I am nowhere near you.

I'm so pleased it's not just me that feels it's rude grin

LineRunner Sun 20-Jan-13 22:13:52

Yes it is rude, if it is as you say.

And I wouldn't want to friends with rude people. I've got enough shit going on.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 20-Jan-13 22:21:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeeFoo Sun 20-Jan-13 22:21:11

Just to pitch in my pennies worth Grinch, YANBU. Definitely give back though and think nothing more of it, they must be feeling fairly awkward!? Either way, its not worth losing any sleep over.

ivanapoo Sun 20-Jan-13 22:29:56

I would say its irritating rather than rude so YAB a bit U. You got the use of something for free without any inconvenience to you I presume. You didn't have to accept it so I am assuming you find it useful.

A relative gave us something worth a few hundred quid. We paid for a courier to bring it to our house as it was too large to fit in our car. They asked for it back a few months later as their circumstances had changed. Bit annoying but we benefited from it for those months so can't complain.

trixymalixy Sun 20-Jan-13 22:33:56

It's a bit off,I would be grumbling a bit too, but you can't refuse to give it back to them.

cumfy Mon 21-Jan-13 01:09:39

Is it the Astrakhan Coat ?


qo Mon 21-Jan-13 01:11:32

"If it is a kidney then YANBU" :D :D

cumfy Mon 21-Jan-13 01:14:16

OK, not a kidney, nor indeed the Astrakhan Coat.

I was very worried for a moment.

My prediction is you will survive this crisis. <stares mysteriously into crystal ball>

TalkativeJim Mon 21-Jan-13 01:18:40

Spray it a hideous colour before they come to get it.

PenelopeLane Mon 21-Jan-13 01:18:59

YANBU. I've been in this situation a couple of times and found it really annoying - but now I always make sure to give someone a token of thanks - or a small amount of money (depending on what feels appropriate) when they give me something as then it feels more concrete. For example took a friend out for dinner to say thanks for some baby clothes, gave someone else lots of chocolate, and gave my sister money for some clothes. No-one I've done that for has ever asked for something back.

ChaoticintheNewYear Mon 21-Jan-13 01:27:51


They are being rude. Seeing as their alternative would have been to skip it it's obvious that they gave it to you outright.

I'd be tempted to charge them storage fees minus a small percentage for the times you've used it wink

flow4 Mon 21-Jan-13 01:32:12

My grandma gave her daughter a Persian rug. A proper one, worth thousands. One day some years later, she asked for it back. They argued about whether it was given or lent. And they never spoke to each other again.

Not once, in all the forty-odd remaining years of my grandma's life.

A fucking rug.

My grandma and my aunt obviously believed their relationship was worth less than that rug. How little or much is your friendship worth, OP?

cumfy Mon 21-Jan-13 01:48:12

flow that's sad, maybe they both thought the other valued the relationship less than the rug ?

Thumbwitch Mon 21-Jan-13 02:13:52

Just goes to show that you have to be careful when accepting "gifts" off people. If they had skipped it like they said they were going to, they wouldn't have got it back - so in reality they shouldn't expect to get it back off of you either.

However, I can see that it's not worth the hassle to you so yes, give it back to them, but in future neither take nor give them anything else - saves hassle.

I was lent and given a lot of stuff when DS was born 5y ago - I checked with each person what was a gift and what was a loan. Then when we moved abroad when DS1 was 20mo, I checked again - because I was taking the gifts with me for whenever we had another DC and wasn't going to bloody post them back! Luckily for me, no one was arsey about any of it - but one of the lenders did say I could buy the stuff off her and keep it. I checked prices on ebay and ended up giving her about £25 for all of it, which was bargainous.

Your friends are cheeky feckers, yes.

Softlysoftly Mon 21-Jan-13 02:27:35

I don't think it's automatically rude to ask for something back. Had they called and said "I know we gave it to you but we are suddenly pregnant again and strapped for cash and I know you only use it infrequently, would you mind? " them I think that's fair enough.

In this case its the fact no only I were they going to skip it but you suspect it's being taken back and given to someone else that's very rude.

flow4 Mon 21-Jan-13 05:15:05

I reckon you're right, cumfy . It is sad... And stupid. How can any thing be worth more than a relationship with your mother, or daughter... Or anyone you care about, IMO.

2littlemonkeys Mon 21-Jan-13 09:18:23

Lend it them and say once you've finished can I have it back as after all you where going to throw it out. :-)

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 21-Jan-13 09:41:37

It's also annoying when you think you've given something away and recipient thought it was a loan.'
(looks mournfully at high chair that I thought NDN had taken off my hands)

OP, I can see why you are annoyed but they may be aware it's only used occasionally by you and they want to pass it onto someone with a more ongoing need eg a toddler.

jessjessjess Mon 21-Jan-13 09:50:36

I would say: "Oh, have you forgotten, you said we could keep it."

I did once fall out with someone over a situ like this - I offered to buy an unwanted piece of furniture before she moved abroad temporarily and she never gave me bank derails to pay despite my asking several times.

I would have been fine with her asking for the money or for the item back but she told mutual friends I had stshe wanted it back

jessjessjess Mon 21-Jan-13 09:52:05

Posted too quick. She told mutual friends I had stolen it and she wanted it back! I still had our messages about it where she said she didn't want it and would I like it, and was livid. It ended a friendship.

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