Mumsnet Talk

Have I missed something?

I married a man 18 years younger than me when I was 12. It was doomed I suppose, but I wouldn't listen to my borstal cell mate
My 19th baby was born with only one eye. His dad said nobody would notice which just goes to show you shouldn't trust your brother. I suppose that when you are an old mum like I was when it was born (22) is to be expected.
My electricity is being cut off because I don't have any tanners for the meter.
My next door neighbor is currently knocking seven shades of shit out of something made of cement. My security guards are on their way.
I can't sleep and I need to be up at 6.
Two of these facts are absolutey true.

I've found a way to be happy while my husband sexually experiments with llamas. Can you give me your stories about unusual domestic set-ups? It works for us!

What about those of us who can't afford a chef? would a ken wood cheffette be acceptable or work?

RowanMUMSNET Delete Delete!!!! Why haven't you deleted?! OP's bored this afternoon!

What have I missed now???
<tries to pay attention>

Have any mums got any compactor-based tales to cheer me up?

It's been a while.

What is a compactor? genuine query.
I also think that Rowan should get her finger out and onto the big orange button. But not before I find out what a compactor is.

It's still here?

The compactor troll is a late night phenomenon.

He only pops up once in a while, but when he does, he's as unnerving as ever. Unnerving and consistent.

A compactor troll?

And what have I missed again?.

Was there a woe is me thread that I missed?

I spotted The Other One.

Well I can beat you all

My unicorn ran off with my husband and ........I'm just to tired to make. Anything else up so just give me your money, as I clearly deserve it more than someone on a bed of bricks.

Ps someone pm me what I have missed

DP uses a compactor at work (well, actually it's called a Whacker plate), he uses it to <whispers> compact things!

Like cars and stuff?

Or erm, other things ... manure maybe?

Whacker plate? it sounds very glamorous.
Go on Rowan, you know you want to.

Hmm...so OP wanting to "wank himself purple" isn't worthy of a MN delete then?

I don't know why I said manure ...

It seemed appropriate, somehow

Are you the poo-troll, Salmo??

I am married to Peter Andre.

Do you know, I keep getting drawn back to this thread even though I should be in bed.
I had a dream about me and Pete. We lived on the Isle of Sheppy.

RowanMUMSNET Your rules.

<CONTROL> <ALT> <DELETE>

No I am not the poo troll Alistair!!

How very dare you ...

I'm supposed to be doing school prep and marking.

If you multiplied my love by infinity, by thrice the circumference of the earth, by the distance in miles to the farthest planet in our solar system then again by number of grains of sand on earth, my love would still only equate to one hundreth of PALFHK.

I think you protest too much, Salmo.

I bet you're sniffing out skidmarks right now.

Filthy beast.

My aunt and uncle live by the ocean. They share a boxroom and talk about bedroomy things.

My BIL is from the Isle of Sheppey!!

This is a Wacker plate.

If only we could harness the power of PALFHK, then there would be free power for everyone.

I have 3 husbands that I'm sharing with 8 other wives. Send donations to ohgoonthen@paypal and I'll put pictures on my profile.

Oh, AIBU to think that straw makes the perfect hair accessory?

I'm down to my last polo pony.

The squashed mum troll! My favourite! (I am a namechanger but not a poo/penis/compactor troll I swear dib dib dib).

Although I found where ol' Squashy hangs out, it's a yahoo group called Flatopia (was easy to find by googling his key phrases). Check that out if you want a serious wtf moment.

I see, you live and learn. I thought they were called road thumpers.
Peter Andre and me lived in a flat above a 7-11. We had to split up when he wouldn't let my DD bring her friends home.
I think the reason for the dream was DD learning mysterious girl in choir and singing it. And singing it. And singing it. And singing it, and you tubing it......

I was orphaned young and then adopted by my Aunt and Uncle, who stole my inheritance and spent it on building a donkey sanctuary on my parent's farm.

poor Porto. Aren't you in CH where donkeys (amongst many other animals) have to be kept in pairs?

I have not seen my twin sister since 1987 when she went on a day trip to Belgium.

I am the last person on earth and you are all in my imagination. You'd better hope I don't fall asleep.

Weellll, as you all know I am an impoverished surgeon who was swindled out of her life savings by an albanian prince named Derek. Derek and I had a torrid affair, and when I went into spontaneous labour with the quads (I had no idea I was with child) he left me for the poolboy, who later became a girl. I recently discovered that Derek was really my uncle, and his lover, my cousin. I then lost an ear and 6 toes in a boating incident.

I can no longer afford to feed my 7 dc's anything but cabbage water.

Please help.

I've just taken in a poor family (of stoats) and they need F&M caviar, but I'm currently too poor to buy it, as I'm waiting for funds to be sent to me after I helped out a Nigerian Prince friend.

Me and my five attractive lesbian housemates all have to share a bed after we sold them to fund the stoats' caviar habit.

Is this helping you, OP?

Fuck the lot of you. When I was eighteen I married the love of my life who then turned out to be a seventy yr old snail called Alfred who was very good at disguises.

My 38yr old daughter from a previous relationship was so upset that she moved away from home to live with a lemon tree. Unfortunately, on her way she was run over by a rampaging poster paint deliverer and now ill never get to tell her that the lemon tree was in fact her long lost brother.

Since then I've had to sell gloves woven from my own public hair just to feed my seven remaining children. I'm finding this harder and harder to do now that I've had my hands cut off by the courts after I was convicted of witchcraft but I'm still struggling on.

Little Dave is doing his best to help out financially but not everyone appreciates butt cheek buffing on their windscreens at traffic lights so any money he makes is going on paying compensation fines.

Still, at least I still have my teeth. In a pot on the windowsill. Tomorrow's my seventeenth birthday. I'd love to be able to afford to treat myself but I guess it will be hand knitted sprouts for dinner again.

I've met the man of my dreams. He keeps telling me about his School called Hogwarts, but everytime I google it, it doesn't show. He keeps telling me any children we'll have will be magic. Does he think he's Paul Daniels or something?

He's got a best mate who's a girl, who's rather odd and her hair?? It's wild. He's got a male best mate who's a right weirdo.

Will this last???

TrampyPants were the 6 toes from the same foot? That makes a difference.

Come come, where's the OP gone?
This has been an illuminating thread so far. I've found out about road thumpers and clarified Porto's location.
This'll excite you OP, I'm off to bed now. For real, with my 11.8 DD since DH refuses to put the A/C on in our bedroom.

I'm just a nubile fresh-faced female student girl who lives at home with my aunt while I do my studenty studies. My parents were tragically killed in a waterskiing accident just a week after my birth.
It's so hard just me and my aunt. I'm a female lady-woman with needs. Please all tell me about the best way to diddle myself off. I'm a lady, after all, just like you ladies.

Jubilee, they were, that leaves me with just one toe on my left side. Luckily this does not affect my ability to dance.

I also enjoy being tied up and spanked by other ladies. Does anyone share my lustings?