To be a bit more demanding regarding meeting my partner's kids

(42 Posts)
WigCarpet Sun 20-Jan-13 14:45:05

I have a thread running in relationships right now - basically he lives with me during the week and stays at his mother's with his kids on a weekend and I cease to exist. Hardly any contact at all until he arrives back on Monday evening after work. I find it a bit damning that he can 'live' with me all week and then forget I exist on a weekend.

I'm here to ask for blunt, honest opinions regarding me being introduced to his teenage kids. Basically, he met mine about 3 months ago and at the time more or less said he would arrange for me to meet his. Like I said, that was 3 months ago and it really doesn't seem to me like he has any intention of doing it anytime soon. Whenever I ask him he says he's not sure they're ready for that yet - but the relationship is ready for us to live together all week??

My question is, would it be unreasonable for me to ask for a timescale of when I'm likely to be introduced to them? he always avoids this. The last time it was mentioned he said "by the end of the year". It's only bloody January!! So going on that I'm expected to continue to spend my weekends alone for the next 12 months?

Another thing is I'm going to say if he can't give me some kind of reasonable timescale, I want to cool off the relationship and go back to just dating. He can't expect to live with me like this and then bugger off and forget I exist on weekend and he can't expect to be 100% involved in mine and my children's lives when he won't even introduce me to his.

AIBU? I don't want to be pushy/bunny boiler etc but I'm sick of the whole thing and feel like a mug really.

Been together just over 7 months btw.

onetiredmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:46:28

You sure its his mother's that he's staying at? Have you been there? Have you met her?

Salmotrutta Sun 20-Jan-13 14:47:10

Are you more bothered about meeting his children or the fact that he spends all weekend with them?

I am sorry, but you asked for blunt. The only timescale you should be asking for is how long until he moves out full time.

Salmotrutta Sun 20-Jan-13 14:47:56

Ah, now, see I didn't even think of that onetiredmummy.

SanityClause Sun 20-Jan-13 14:48:20

That's what I was thinking, as well, onetiredmummy .

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 20-Jan-13 14:49:39

I think parents can find it difficult to know when to introduce their children to new partners.

I think after 7 months though he should have a rough idea of whether your relationship has longevity and therefore you should be introduced to his children.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting to meet them,the relationship can't really progress beyond the stage it is at now without doing so. You are within your rights to say so. If he waits until the end of he year you will have been together for almost two years. It would be weird to not introduce you well before then.

Do you ask him about them generally? Just showing a general interest in them? How old are they.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 20-Jan-13 14:49:59

You know, I don't think YABU. I can understand a parent's reluctance to introduce partners to their children. But it sounds like you guys are pretty serious and being ignored every weekend is just not cool.

I agree with onetiredmummy: are you sure it's his mother?

mercibucket Sun 20-Jan-13 14:51:07

Having the kids every weekend is slightly unusual, and did he live at his mums when you met as well? I'd be a bit suspicious about this. Also, yes, I would expect to meet them and get him to move out and cool things a little in the meantime

mercibucket Sun 20-Jan-13 14:51:08

Having the kids every weekend is slightly unusual, and did he live at his mums when you met as well? I'd be a bit suspicious about this. Also, yes, I would expect to meet them and get him to move out and cool things a little in the meantime

momb Sun 20-Jan-13 14:52:29

Teenagers are tough and at this stage you don't know what their Mum has said to them or what his relationship with them is like. I do think you need to discuss this with him further because it is clearly eating you up inside but if you don't have room for them at your place then he will continue to see his children elsewhere. Is there a big age gap between your child and his? that may be why he isn't suggesting combined social events.

Mosman Sun 20-Jan-13 14:55:56

I have a friend who split with her children's dad and basically they have an agreement that neither will introduce other partners until they are about to put a ring on it. Maybe the ex is demanding he keeps the children away for now. Why did you move in together after just 7 months what's the rush ?

WigCarpet Sun 20-Jan-13 14:56:01

Yes I've been to his mothers and have met her (she's great) and I've even seen the rooms in which he and his kids stay on the weekends (3 single beds).

He's just sent me pictures of him and his kids having fun in the snow saying they're having a great time and he'll take me and my kids next week. On one hand it's nice that he's sharing the pictures and thinking about taking us but on the other hand it just shows how everything is so separate into him and his kids and him and my family. It's like he never intends to cross the two. Even his own mother is questioning him on it.

Surely you dont need him to play in the snow with your kids?

TroublesomeEx Sun 20-Jan-13 15:01:18

Tbh, I wouldn't even consider a timescale for introducing my children to a new partner or meeting theirs until we'd been together for 6 months and it was looking like a permanent situation.

I wouldn't have let a man move in that quickly either. Meeting the children should come before co-habiting. Do his children know about you?

WigCarpet Sun 20-Jan-13 15:02:26

course not, it's not about that - I just feel that stuff like sledging etc would be a perfect opportunity to do introductions in a way that isn't so formal, especially as the kids are of similar ages.

See that's another thing though, although he's said about me meeting his kids at some point "this year" he reckons them meeting my kids won't be happening for a long time as they won't be ready for that!?

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 20-Jan-13 15:02:49

I can't understand why you would let a man move in with you and your kids after being with him for only 7 months.
I also can't believe you are "living together" before you have met his kids.
That's not to say that you should have met them by now, I just mean that the whole way of going about this is all to cock.
Move him out. Get to know him better (a LOT better).
Meet his kids. Get to know them.
THEN if you both still want to, he can move in.
Or is he living with you out of convenience, like to save money? In which case I would have him sling his hook for good.

HTH

Salmotrutta Sun 20-Jan-13 15:05:29

Well, teenagers can be difficult at times. Maybe they didn't handle the separation well or maybe he knows they might be surly or difficult if they met you?

I'm not suggesting they are surly and difficult but at that age meeting new partners could make for "interesting times" as they say?

WigCarpet Sun 20-Jan-13 15:08:16

ifnotnowthenwhen, you hit the nail on the head. That is how I feel, the timing of everything has all been to cock. We've done everything back to front and whilst it's working out fine and dandy for him, it's leaving me in a very vulnerable situation.

We should have met each others kids at the same time. We should have dated for a lot longer than we did and we should never have moved in together before meeting each other's kids.

I think this is the problem here - in my head we're at a stage where I should have met his kids but in reality maybe we're just not at a stage where we should have moved in together.

I'm next due to see him tomorrow night but am toying with the idea of asking him to come over tonight so we can talk.

Salmotrutta Sun 20-Jan-13 15:09:47

Well, having watched from the sidelines as ex- BIL (with teenagers) met and married a new wife with a teenager, and seeing the fallout between the step-siblings ... I'd say take it slowly.

HollyBerryBush Sun 20-Jan-13 15:11:48

Perhaps his children don't want to meet you?

DontmindifIdo Sun 20-Jan-13 15:18:55

Step back, if he doesn't think you are at the stage of meeting his DCs, then he is saying he's not that committed to you. If he doesn't feel he is all that certain that this relationship is forever, that's fine, but not fine to move in and living with your DCs if he's not 100% committed to your relationship.

CloudsAndTrees Sun 20-Jan-13 15:21:23

I think YABU.

He is the parent to his children, and it is up to him to decide when they meet you. His decision should be based on what is right for them, not you and your relationship and whatever stage you think it's at.

He stays with you during the week because you let him and it's probably a nicer place for him to be than his Mums. People will take advantage if you invite them to.

It's actually really early in your relationship or you to have him living in your house for your children's sake, and it sounds like out of the two of you, he is the one who's doing the best by his children.

Booyhoo Sun 20-Jan-13 15:25:10

how long have you been with him?

how old are the dcs?

why are you more concerned about him dancing to your beat than his children being ready to meet his new partner?

your relationship with him and how fast it has moved is irrelvant when it comes to his children being ready. his chidlren are not on your or his timescale. they are the important ones wrt this meeting taking place.

if you gave me an ultimatum in order to make me rush something that big i would open the door for you.

simplesusan Sun 20-Jan-13 15:36:31

I don't think it is too early to meet his kids.
He is living with the op. Also I think as teenagers they are not small children and can cope with knowing that their parents relationship has ended and that they will never get back together.
Maybe don't spend all weekend with him and his kids just Saturday daytime perhaps.
Good luck.

Booyhoo Sun 20-Jan-13 15:40:51

hang on. i thought Op's dcs were the teenagers? i didn't think she said what age his were?

either way. she could be seeing him 3 years. it doesn't make the children ready to meet her. they aren't the ones dating her. he is. their relationship with him doesn't make them automatically part of his relationship with her.

Maybe his kids are refusing to see you? They are teenagers and depending on when your oh split with their mum, they maybe dont want to see their dad with another woman just yet. If your oh knows this he may be fobbing you off to save hurting your feelings? I could be completely wrong though and he's just not as committed as you are.

nkf Sun 20-Jan-13 15:41:33

He doesn't want you to. At least not yet. All you can do is decide on your response to that. You have no right to make him do anything in this matter.

Booyhoo Sun 20-Jan-13 15:42:23

oh yes. i re read op. his kids are teens.

nkf Sun 20-Jan-13 15:46:15

You wanted to move faster into a relationship than he does. Basically, this is a grown man who doesn't have the hassle of running a home. You provide one during the week and his mother provides one at the weekend. Meanwhile your kids have this virtual stranger living with them. Think about it. If my sums are correct, you moved him in after about three months. Not good in my opinion.

MeaninglessStrife Sun 20-Jan-13 15:48:00

Perhaps they don't want to meet you?
Perhaps he has an amicable arrangement with their mother about not introducing the kids to any girlfriend for a period of time?
Perhaps he's got different expectations of where your relationship is going?

But you need to talk to him yes. but at the end of the day it's HIS decision and you'll just have to decide if you can deal with it or if you can't.

quoteunquote Sun 20-Jan-13 16:07:46

OP, make this a non issue immediately, without any undertones, no resenting doing so, you could probably easily get your DP to cave in and satisfy your desire to move the relationship on,

Just say that you will let it take as long as takes, just leave it alone,

teenagers hate change, there is almost no way to play this without ending up resented,

At some point in the distant future they will realise you make their dad happy and that is a good thing,

but if you shove yourself into their world (and that is how they will view it, how ever unfair), they will instantly resist, and the one thing teens find hard is back tracking, they tend to instantly make up their minds, how they view a situation, and stick to it no matter what,

The longer you leave it the much higher the chances are of you forming a successful relationship with them, just let them decide when they want to come into your world, that way you are far more likely to end up with a positive outcome.

TinyDancingHoofer Sun 20-Jan-13 16:17:05

The kids probably like their weekends as they are. After they meet you then there will be pressure to have their weekends with their dad, you and your children. 7 months isn't that long to have been together, if after a year he hasn't introduced you then start getting huffy. They probably think of you as temporary.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 20-Jan-13 16:27:23

I agree with your acknowledgement that it's all arse about face, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

At the time you thought it was moving along at a pace you were happy with and now he's stalled it with you having done all the 'giving' and him doing all the 'taking'.

His answers are crap - 'Sometimes this year'? That means 'not for ages and I'm not pinning myself down to a date' 'ages after that' - why? Why does he think they should me you, then ages later your kids? It's like it's OK for your kids to be in the middle of your relationship and risk being upset or hurt but his aren't - it would signal to me that he's not in this for the long haul.

What does he contribute financially to your arrangement??

Nanny0gg Sun 20-Jan-13 16:47:27

Even though they haven't met you, do his DCs know about you? Are they blocking the meeting?

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 20-Jan-13 17:19:57

I think he is beng the sensible one. Seven months is still dating and way too early to bring you into his childrens lives.

If you choose to bring partners into yours then thats your decision but let him decide whats best for his children. Most adults wouldnt move in a new partner so soon in case it didnt work out so as not to subject their children to x amount of new partners.

TroublesomeEx Sun 20-Jan-13 17:22:06

^^ that

pinkdelight Sun 20-Jan-13 19:30:09

Also alarm bells ringing about the ultimatum - if he doesn't set a timescale then you're cooling things off. That's not the kind of talk I'd expect in a stable, committed relationship. Sorry but it doesn't sound like it's in the kids best interests to meet you yet. I get that the weekends alone pisses you off, but that's no reason for his kids to meet you. As someone else said, meeting you would change the whole nature of their time with their dad. They may not be ready to share him for a while yet. You can either respect that and fill your weekends another way, or accept that it's not what you want and cool off, thereby proving it wasn't right anyway. Sorry if this sounds harsh but really 7 months is nothing and just because you've let him move in and meet your kids doesn't mean you should rush everything else.

Only other thing is that, as some have said, him seeing them every single weekend is unusual. If he had the odd weekend free for you, would this make the whole meeting the kids thing a non-issue for now?

balia Sun 20-Jan-13 19:55:11

Men are generally quite good at compartmentalising things, aren't they? He has his relationship with you, then he has his time with his kids. It is working for him (and presumably his kids.)

It is OK to ask him why he feels meeting his kids might be a problem - you deserve to be informed. Is it just nerves about how they or his ex will react? Does he feel he wants to get a separated father role fully established with them before bringing another complication in?

It is perhaps not OK to use an ultimatum to 'force' him to do what you want - but I sort of get the vibe you aren't really feeling like that? It seems that his reluctance to share his kids with you is making you question the relationship and whether you want the same things. I think your instincts are right, you need to have a calm, honest discussion with him about what you both want out of the relationship. You may want to take some time to decide what that is for you, though. Being a step to teenagers is really hard work. Check out the step-parent thread for an eye-opener. Good Luck!

littlemisssarcastic Sun 20-Jan-13 19:57:00

OP, How would you like things to develop if you did meet his DC?
Would you expect to meet them, then wave them off to your DP's mum's for the weekend, therefore still leaving you on your own all weekend, every weekend?
Or would you like to meet them and integrate them into your life with your DP, meaning they could stay at your house for the weekend with your DC and you could all spend the weekend together?

pingu2209 Sun 20-Jan-13 20:07:11

I think you are being immature. Just because you were okay in introducing him to your teenage children, should not mean he has to reciprocate, or reciprocate within a timescalse that is okay for you.

His children may have found the breakup of their parents really difficult, every person is different, they may need a lot more time before meeting you. He may love you very much but he is protecting their feelings - and quite probably your feelings too.

How would you feel if they are not ready to meet and then start to be horrible to you or to their father as a result?

Why are you automatically assuming this is about your relationship with their father? Why can't it be their father is assessing how they will react and deciding it isn't right for them yet?

Just because they are teenagers does not mean that it is easier than if they were younger! Totally and utterly disagree with anyone who says that. If the parents had a horrible break up for years of nastiness living together before they broke up, the teenage children could be really upset by it all.

Teenagers are both full of raging hormones and also are going through the stress of GCSE and A-Level exams.

Perhaps their dad is keeping everything as stress free as possible until the exams are over? I know the GCSEs and A-Levels are modulised and are taken now as well as in May/June.

Numberlock Sun 20-Jan-13 20:12:08

So does this guy not own or rent a home? Lives with you in the week and mum at weekends? What financial contribution does he make to your household?

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