to think DP doesn't need to go to the shop EVERY day?(93 Posts)
DP is the SAHD, I go out to work. We live within walking distance of 3 well known supermarkets, the closest being Co-Op, the most expensive of the 3.
When I work, he has my bank card. Although our finances are 'together' and equally ours, my account is the spending one. But, my bugbear is that he will go to Co-Op every day. Pick up littles bits of this, that and the other. We do a shop in the bigger supermarket every week but he still manages to find a need for stuff every day. My account looks like it's having an affair with the bloody place!
So, I've said to him, stop. What he thinks we run out of during the week, we will get more of during the weekly shop. I've also said I will withdraw maybe £30/40 each month for 'emergencies' from said shop.
AIBU to make this rule? I'm fed up with constant 'drip, drip' of money leaving my account, it's not cost effective is it?!
maybe he does it more to get out of the house than because he actually needs specific items.
Does he really need the stuff he's buying or does he just want to get out the house? It does add up when you pop to the shop every day though, if you can't easily afford it you do need to put a limit on spending. You both need to figure it out together though and find a way that works, not just cut off access to money. Do you both get equal amounts of 'pocket money'?
My dp goes every day with the dog just to get away from me and the kids I think. He just enjoys the fresh air and quite likes getting last minute price cuts late evening.
He sounds bored and needs out tbh. how old are the children/child he stays at home for, does he use the stuff he buys or is it going to waste, I would leave it you can't ut of his money like he is a naughty boy ,
He takes DS out everyday but to pop into the place isn't necessary every time. I know it's easily done when it is practically on your doorstep but surely it shouldn't be part of when him and DS go out?
YABU and controlling (sorry)
Why is it not cost-effective? Do you get charged per transaction? If so, withdraw a set amount of cash each week for these trips. Or transfer a set amount to his account every month.
You haven't said you can't affford it, you just object to the daily-ness of it. But so what? He's the SAHP, I don't think you should control his daily habits.
YABU to 'make a rule' for him, he's not a child. If you can't afford the regular trips to a local, more expensive than usual, shop, then you do need to discuss it and come to an arrangement - but if my DH 'made a rule' unilaterally for me, telling me where I could and could not shop/go/how often etc whilst I was at home (I am not a SAHM incidentally, but will be at home on mat leave very soon) I would be livid.
We live within walking distance of shops. I quite often used to wander around the shops with DD in the pram when she was small and no doubt I spent bits and bobs in Home & Bargain and Sainsbury's when it wasn't urgently required, but only ever on stuff we would use eventually anyway.
Why shouldn't it be part of when he and DS go out? No harm popping into the shop with your son.
Seriously, you need to leave him to get on with it.
maybe it is a routine when they go out what is he buying when dds were little I used to pop into the shop most days for bits and bobs,
I go to the shop every day. If I went weekly I would have no where to store 16 2 litre bottles of milk, as I only want 2 a day, and 3 on weekends, I go every day.
Why can't he pop to the shop every day? what is your issue with it? why are you managing his time so much?
Then sort it so it doesn't come out of 'your' account if it bugs you that much.
I go to the supermarket every day and if DH 'told me to stop', I'd tell him to fuck right off to be fair.
You sound rather controlling.
in fact thinking about it I am at the corner shop most days for bread and milk and whatnot even though we go shopping ,
Different things are cost effective for different people. I always found doing one huge shop ended up more expensive because I get more careless about buying non-essentials if I am spending a lot of money anyway; also going down frequently meant I could keep up with bargains. Other people might be tempted to spend more if they shop frequently.
and he may get all the best gossip at the co op not that i do that or anything
Can you put up a whiteboard in the kitchen so he can make a note of anything you need to pick up on the next shopping trip, rather than him rushing out to get it? Do you menu plan so you buy exactly what you need for the upcoming week's meals (then maybe he wouldn't need to visit the shop so much). It depends how much he's spending really - a pound each time, maybe not so bad. If he goes out for a tin of peas and spends £15, that's a bigger issue.
It's a mixture of both essentials and then will see something on offer and buy that too. We sat down this morning after I checked my online banking to find 5 payments to Co-op over a 3 day period. I said about it needing to be less, we can buy more of things like bread/milk/potatoes etc and freeze the extras. But, as he cooks most nights too, he thinks to himself 'oh I fancy ..... for dinner', will go buy extra ingredients when we have enough in the house for a variety of meals.
Can you see where I'm coming from?
Can you see where I'm coming from?
I suppose a little bit what you then need to do is not do a weekly shop and let him get on with it so no food is sitting in the freezer then he can cook what he fancies
I can well imagine the turn of this thread if the earner was the male and the shopper was the female.
Can you afford the little extras?
And how good is his cooking?!
I can see where you're coming from, but if he's at home all day with the kids, cooking a meal is probably a nice, adult, creative thing to do that breaks the monotony a bit.
I think you need to leave him alone.He's all grown up and can go the the shop whenever he likes.
I don't like the idea of you setting a "rule", you're not his mother! Decide between the two of you the best way to do it.
When i was first a sahm i popped to the shop loads, mostly at my dhs request, because we were still quite unorganized.
Now we plan meals for the week and work out how much bread, milk etc we get through and have it all delivered. I still have to go to the shop, particularly if Im having people over that i hadn't planned for, but its much less.
It may be your card but that doesn't put you in control. You need to figure this out as a couple. Otherwise its creepy and controlling.
Do you waste food? If he changes his mind about what to cook for dinner, but what you already have in is slung in the freezer, used the next day etc then I don't see the issue. If he throws out a perfectly good packet of sausages because today he saw mince on offer and fancied a bolognese then it's something to address.
You haven't answered the question of whether you can afford it... How much extra is it costing for him to shop in his preferred way?
You could agree together a weekly budget for food and then let him decide how to spend it - but really, if he does the shopping and cooking then he should decide how that gets done and you shouldn't interfere.
My oh is the sahd too, i cant imagine telling him, how and when to shop. Does he tell you how to work? Would you like this kind of feedback.
Why hasn't he got his own bank account?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I am trying not to see it like that holly and what dum said we do a meno planner thing and it can be so head bangly boring somedays that I change it because i fancy something else
give him housekeeping money and let him get on with it
When I've been a SAHM, buying something at the shop was the big thrill of my day.
If you can afford it and he's buying stuff you need, then why worry?
Well, yeah, and I think you're being controlling. Sorry! If you want to withdraw the bit of pleasure he gets from thinking about what he wants to cook for dinner ... you cook dinner!
An awful lot of people, including me, buy something every day for the sake of the small adult interaction.
How would you feel if he started dictating the minutiae of how you do your job?
My mother is the most economical housekeeper I know. She swears by going to the shop every day, sometimes several times.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I'm fed up with constant 'drip, drip' of money leaving my account, it's not cost effective is it?!
So, your account, your money is the issue?
I can't see why you are bothered. Maybe he likes to get the freshest suff, maybe DS loves shopping, maybe he needs the human contact being home all day, likes to get the end of day bargains,
fancies the cashier, who the hell knows, just let him get on with it.
I am a SAHM and like to go into the local tesco most days
to pick up sweet treats to get me through the day but would feel really got at if DP mentioned it.
If it bothers you that much seeing the transactions suggest he gets a some cash out on a Sunday to pay for stuff??
Sorry no, I don't see it.
Bread will cost the same whether you buy it with 100 other things or 1. If he's doing all the cooking and wants to be spontaneous, why not? As long as there isn't food actually going to waste?
It sounds like you just object to the number of withdrawals. So sort it, it's simple, look at how much he's been spending a week and start transferring it to his account.
DH and I have taken turns being the SAHP and one of the most important keys to success is not questioning the other person's decisions, unless it's really critically important.
It's not to do with me wanting to control his movements etc, it's the money aspect of it. Or even if he decided to walk the extra 15 minutes to the cheaper supermarket. Such as, 750g of ready brek in tesco is £1.79. Local Co-op does 500g for £2.49. But he opts for Co-op each time.
I'm trying to save money, we get by but can be pretty tight by the end of the month.
We don't really get 'spending' money for us both but if we need something such as new shoes we work a way around finances to be able to get them.
My dh used to want to decide on the day what to make for dinner which was usually why i was always popping out to get things! It drove me crazy after a while, but we talked about it and agreed it was a waste of time and cost more money than planning. He's had to get used to the idea that his options are whatever we've planned for, not whatever the shop sells.
just what I was thinking Holly!
for the record, my Dh does our weekly shop (with a list from me ) and I still call our local, more expensive shop every night as although he gets the basics, I can not meal plan ahead like that - what we have for our evening meal depends a lot of what I feel like eating/cooking, what time I get in from work, the weather, the advert I saw the night before etc
OK. I can see the problem with buying things at the local convenience store. That does cost more money.
Hopefully, you can encourage him to walk the extra distance.
It lots of places it's still common to go to the market every day and get what you need for dinner. There's a whole social aspect to it as well, plus if you like cooking it's a fun part of the day.
yanbu, mainly because the co-op is bloody expensive. Me and dp
I insisted have banned ourselves from 'popping to the shop' and have saved over £100 a month. Those bits and bobs add up, i'd rather be more inventive at tea time and spend the money im saving ( over a grand across the year ) on a lovely holiday.
Dp was the worst offender and still gets twitchy around 10pm, asking with glazed eyes if I want a can of pop and a curly wurly from ' the shop' so I keep a couple of multi pack treats in now. Job done.
I can't see why you are bothered. When you are at home all day a trip to the shop can be really exciting. I quite like trying to get the bargains at the end of the day too.
If it is about money being tight then you need to have that conversation with him directly, sorry but you were not that clear in your post.
Explain to him that it adds up over a month and say how much by and he might see where you are coming from.
What does he say if you suggest going to the cheaper supermarket?
Have you added up how much is being spent on food each week/month? You could look at it together and think of ways to reduce it.
I get the money bit but maybe talk about that bit. Don't stop him going to the shop full stop.
Well it's fair enough to suggest he go to the cheaper shop.
I'd suggest really organising the shopping a bit more -- do a monthly online shop from Tesco for all the staples (including your brek example) and ask him to just get fresh stuff every day (meat, veg etc.) At least then if he pays more it's probably a bit better quality too.
If you buy enough of the staples in the monthly shop then he won't have a reason to buy them in his daily run.
Do your weekly shop somewhere cheaper than Tesco and free up the budget for local daily shopping then. Tesco is shockingly expensive to me - I go to Aldi for most things and only use non-budget supermarkets for things I can't buy in Aldi - e.g. fresh herbs, certain fancy cheeses or special items.
The answer is probably to agree a weekly or monthly food budget with your DH and he takes it in cash. I would only say this is reasonable tho if he is on board with it and you genuinely need to take this step to keep finances under control - not just so that you can feel better about how much he spends or because it irritates you that he goes to the shop every day when it's not what you would personally choose to do.
To be honest I think the weekly shop (which is great if you're both working) is not working for your DH. As he's the main housekeeper I'd let him get on with it as he wishes. If going to the Co-op several times a week works better for him them stick with that. It's not unreasonable for you both to discuss a weekly budget for food and other essentials (like cleaning products) and to expect him to keep to it expect for emergencies.
Do you actually use the stuff he buys - that is the important thing.
I tend to do a bit of shopping on an almost daily basis but I don't very often do a big weekly shop, which means I actually waste very little. Also shopping daily means that I usually use cash as there is no need for a credit card for small amounts.
I agree with others, it gives him the opportunity to go out an buy fresh stuff and organise his shopping to his meal planning. Unless it is putting you as a family under real financial pressure, I don't see the problem.
I thought it seemed odd that your example of an impulse buy was the Ready Brek! If this is a product you use regularly, it should be in your big shop. If it isn't, then it hardly matters whether you have 500g or 750g of it, and the £1 difference has little impact overall.
Your thinking seems muddled ...
It's the manner if your posts that sound controlling.
I can see the added expense issue, but I think you're guilty of missing the social element, ignoring the upside of DHs input to household running I.e enjoying doing the cooking and don't get me started with the whole "my account" part.
Create a small household expenses account for day to day items.
Ok, so apologies for the 'rule' remark. I can see why other SAHP might find that rude.
We have one DS, 22 months.
I'll sit down with him this afternoon, form a meal plan etc and look at ways of reducing spends in this shop. The 5 transactions I mentioned came to just over £40, so not a lot seperately but added onto the average £60 shop each week, thats £100. We can't afford that every week, we are a small family of 3!
Even if this was his account, I'd still want to reduce this. It's not me being possessive over 'my' account.
If he's going everyday anyway, why bother with weekly shop?
Stop doing a weekly shop and DH can get what you need when you need it. It will deal with the money issue and DH can still use shopping trips to get out the house/get fresh air/break up the day or whatever.
I agree it would be mean and controlling to make rules, he's your equal partner, not your child.
But it is coming over that way in your posts Julie. Read your posts back and the comments from Posters.
I can see where you're trying to get to, but
I urge you to take an approach in your conversation that acknowledges his contribution but how you need to work together on the joint finances side.
When I was a SAHM/worked pt on the days I didn't work I could go all day seeing no other adult, having no adult conversation. Just buying a bottle of milk was lovely just to hear another adult voice. Did he work full time prior to becoming a SAHD? It can be a big shock to the system going from a busy, noisy workplace to a life of dadada and ceebeebies.......
I don't think the issue is shopping at all.
CecilyP - he buys things we will eat not actually need e.g chocolate brioches
We do want to reduce spendings on food. I just pointed out that going to the shop everyday wasn't helping and posted on here in exasperation and possible advice.
He is a brilliant dad and does a much better job of running the household than I ever could! I just wish his impulse buying and not thinking about cheaper option could be improved.
I'm definitely not trying to be controlling. I want to improve areas of our finances where we can.
I mighy give the not doing a weekly shop and DP can buy as/when we need as proposed by allthegoodnames to see if that can reduce spends.
I am taking these all in btw, thanks for advice, might give the whiteboard idea a go!
YABU and a bit patronising. Trust him to manage his day and the shopping unless there are some background issues eg he has run up masses of debt in the past (and you're scared he's going to do the same again by buying ReadyBrek from the Co-op ).
Sorry, that sounds flippant but I think it's important that you acknowledge this is his area of responsibility as the SAHP. You need to take a step back. When you are at home, the routine of going to the local shop can sometimes end up as the highlight of your day and I would not have reacted well to my dh telling me to stop making daily purchases. The benefit of getting out the house cannot be overestimated.
And I can also see the point about adult interaction. He says if he takes DS to the park/other child friendly place, he only ever sees mums who don't talk to him. I feel for him there.
JuliesSister, I've just read your latest post. Maybe both sit down with the bank statements then and let your dh make the suggestion about cutting back on his daily shopping bill? If the overspending is a big issue then perhaps he'll limit his daily shop to buying a newspaper instead.
I've been a SAHP for 12 years due to circumstances beyond my control. I did work for a year when we were back in England.
I used to do a big weekly shop, but also go to the local Tesco or coop to pick up fags and milk.
For me it was about socializing. Had I not gone out, I wouldn't have seen a single person till DD came home from school.
Give him a break.
If he cooks and wants to buy things daily let him. Stop doing a big shop as well.
DH says the same, he says the mums all glare at him like he's some sort of pervert if he takes DD to toddler groups.
In addition to stopping the weekly shop, maybe he could go to the local market instead of co op? Often works out cheaper, and would be more interesting for him and DS. Often different choices according to season and he could get DS involved with counting, choosing and paying?
I do my top up shop bits in Aldi. It's saved me a bloody fortune. There is a corner shop here, but I can't afford to keep going in there, so I walk 10 mins extra and get everything in the world for £4.31.
I have said about looking in to markets. There is a local fruit/veg shop that delivers locally for free. As he doesn't drive that would be ideal. We live in a dying town so I would prefer to do it that way.
We'll sit down later and reassess our shopping habits.
You do sound as if you consider it to be YOUR money OP. I am a SAHM and go to the local Co op most days. It can actually be the most economical way of shopping - to look in the fridge and think of a recipe and then buy the one or two items you need. Much more economical - and healthier - than buying large quantities of food in the weekly shop that then gets binned.
I would stop trying to control his daily activities - popping out for an item keeps me interested in cooking imaginative food, and lets us all have some air/a break.
Wow. Can you imagine if a DH had written this about his SAHM/W?
I buy things most days too OP. As others have said, sometimes life at home with a toddler is boring as hell and buying a chocolate brioche in the Co-op may well be the highlight of his day.
Ah, no local Aldi nevermind!
yanbu at all to identify this as a wasteful habit - but there's more than one way to skin a cat, iyswim.
I have had to stop myself from shopping like this in the past - so easy to go in for one thing and come out with 5, and there's no need. I've also pointed out dp that he was doing the same and asked him to rein it it. Admittedly, he initially got grumpy and denied there was a problem...l but when I asked him to keep receipts for 2 weeks, the same as I had, to see where money. was going, then we could both see - one trip for a pint of milk also meant picking up crisps, a can of coke, possibly a readymade sandwich, when we had food five minutes away at home, and maybe a cake or packet of biscuits. We're talking maybe an unnecessary fiver a day. Or thirty odd quid a week. Or over £100 a month.
The 'whooh, one Ready Brek' posters are missing the point. Or maybe they don't need to budget as strictly.
You can ask dp to keep track of his spending more closely, or suggest a weekly budget, or a 'no more than £1.50 spend' if you happen to go in for no real reason.
I can see that he might be doing this for distraction, or just something to do...change of scenery etc. That's ok. It's the casual wasteful spending that's the problem.
You sound very controlling OP
i think he is bored shitless
If you want to shop at the local market then that's great but please don't try to micro-manage his day to the extent that you are 'suggesting' where he shops. I am laughing at how the conversation would have went if my dh had ever tried to do that when I was the SAHP
I am like your DP in that I SAH and I also go to the shops locally...and yes...I top up with things like chocolate brioches.
I think it's a comfort thing...I see it''s expensive though. But when you are home all day you want a distraction.
I have got into baking....bread, cakes, it's cost effective and I enjoy it. Could your DP do that?
Wow, you sound very controlling, I am a SAHP and shop most days, can never understand how people can 'meal plan' to a rigid timetable; how do you know what you want to eat on Friday night on Monday morning for example? I would not be at all happy if my DH tried to tell me when and how to do the shopping .
Agree with others, stop doing the 'big shop' thing, and let your DH have control over the shopping/meal planning, if you need to set a specific budget, do so together.
Ccan I suggest he tries another toddler group...till her finds one where he's comfy. There are a few Dads who come to ours.
Thank you rainrain you understand my point completely. It would be the same if he worked and popped into the shop on his way there/lunch/way home and bought stuff we didn't need. I would still address it.
It's not about controlling him amd his daily habits. It's about controlling finances and not being wasteful. My wages have to stretch further this year as no annual payrises were given yet inflation puts prices on everything. I'm trying to be sensible and cut costs where possible.
If it because you can't afford it you need to tell him that you dint mention money in your original post you made out or how I read it as, that him going to the shop was annoying, tell him you cant afford him to be going to that shop every day and go to tescos or wherever
The co-op is one of the best shops from an ethical/fair trade pov anyway - has anyone seen the new film 'The Rochdale Pioneers' ? <off topic but I am very interested in this>.
I keep typing replies and deleting them again. I would put money on the fact that in this case if the OP were a man the responses would have been different here. I really think this.
I can see the validity of your posts OP, but - Oh my word - if it was my DH broaching this with me he'd have to pick his words very carefully. And even if he did it wouldn't go well.
It's made me angry just reading this thread. And, as i say, i'm not saying the OP hasn't a point.
He is a brilliant dad and does a much better job of running the household than I ever could! I just wish ....
and the bit about he should walk the extra 15 minutes to the cheaper shop
We live very near a co-op, I am a SAHM and go there every day! As well as to other local shops. I just buy what we need, go for the deals etc- instead of a weekly shop. Could this be an option? Then your DH gets the social aspect too.
What does he think? My DH used to be a SAHD and I have to say I would never have thought about setting 'rules' for him!
givemesomespace no, no she doesn't.
OP, your approach sounds really sensible, hope you and he work out a more cost effective method for your shopping/meal planning/etc. I absolutely understand (through experience) that getting out & about is crucial for a SAHP, but spending money for the sake of it is unwise. I'm surprised with all those saying "if you can afford it, what's the problem?", but perhaps some of those posters equate being prudent with being
mumsnet bingo "controlling".
I think the op is getting a bit of a hard time. Ok so using the word 'rule' didn't help but she's not saying she doesn't want him to have the interaction or not go out shopping, just not to the most expensive one and not buying things theydon't need. If he's in charge of cooking etc then he can get what he wants, but there ARE more cost-effective ways than using Co-Op. I live round the corner from one and was guilty of this when on mat leave - popping in for bread and milk and coming out with bits and bobs I hadn't intended to get. Its very easy to spend over £40 in three trips when going every day.
Perhaps it is question of terms used.
For those who don't like 'rules' - that's ok, but would you be annoyed if someone wanted to their partner to be responsible about budgeting when money is tight?
There are btw LOTS of threads in AIBU from women upset and angry at husbands who spend money irresponsibly.
Perhaps one idea might be to encourage dp to spend less at the co-op and use what he saves to take the dcs somewhere for an activity, like swimming, or for an actual treat that is saved up for.
The 'whooh, one Ready Brek' posters are missing the point. Or maybe they don't need to budget as strictly.
Hahahahaha. I'm on benefits. My budget would make you cry.
I also recognise the importance of choice to my psychological wellbeing, and of at least exchanging two sentences with another person. I budget for it. I think you're the one missing a point.
The thing is though - and this would be true if the SAHP was female - these outings are not just about shopping. They are possibly making the staying at home with the kids do-able for him mentally.
I can imagine if my DH said something like this to me i'd be bringing up how much he spends on little luxuries for himself during a month which may be seen as ok because he is the one 'winning the bread'. Little things that contribute nothing to the household at all, however small they are. At least his shopping trips are getting him and the kids out and he's buying food. Not alcohol, tobacco, clothes, cosmetics ....
He sounds bored. When my dad stays with us, he goes to the shops everyday and picks up things we really don't need. Last time he was here we ended up with a cupboard full of Ritz cheesey biscuits and I had to tell him to stop buying them! Other than that, he goes out everyday and buys things like brioche or packs of chocolates and biscuits (which I appreciate greatly).
Is he brave enough to try toddler groups? If he finds a nice group they will accept him & be happy to let him be part of the club.
I love blokes at toddlers, they are great for moving tables and chasing LOs around!
Swimming can be good, too.
I'm a SAHM, and these kinds of little trips to the shops are total killers for the budget.
He spent £40 on extra trips to the shop in three days. Say that is exceptional and that he is spending £40 a week on average, £10 of which is actually necessary things like bread, milk and fresh fruit and veg. That is £30 being wasted.
Everyone who is saying 'oh the poor man is bored, blah blah'. What could he do with an extra £120 a month? Buy an annual pass to a couple of local attractions, and go out to a nice cafe a couple of times a month for lunch - and still have money left over.
It is extremely short-sighted and rather stupid to just consign that money to the drain on the basis that it keeps him amused for 10 minutes a day to go and wander round the same shop time and time again, buying unnecessary items out of boredom.
I do think JuliesSisters that you need to set your finances up differently. Really you should have a joint account that he has access to, and then he can take responsibility for doing the food shopping however he sees fit - within whatever budget you agree you can afford.
You need to draw up a budget.
Joint account that you both have access to for rent/food/all house-related and child-related expenses. Agree how much goes in here. Once you have agreed it, stick to it. Then it doesn't matter if he chooses to go to the shop every day or to go once a week as long as he sticks to the budget that you both agreed on. Costs of toddler groups or going to soft play or buying a snack to have at the park would all come under this because they are expenses related to childcare.
Separate accounts with your "spending money" in (both get the same, nether can access or comment on what the other does with theirs).
YABU to tell him he cant go to the shop but it would be reasonable to sit down decide on a weekly food budget together and then let him get on with it.
He is the SAHP and he cooks the food, he obviously enjoys shopping for the food so let him get on with it. You sound like you are trying to be "in charge" of the house during the day when in reality you are not - he is.
I think going to the shops has become part of his routine so he gets to leave the house and have adult interaction.
YWBU to impose anything on him. However YWNBU to sit down with him and discuss the budget together.
garlic, I believe I said that I understand the importance of a change of scenery - and that there is nothing wrong with a trip to the shops.
But if you are on a tight budget and not keeping track of what you spend, you are being irresponsible.
My budget might make you cry. And I too plan for things so I can afford them. It just part of being an adult.
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