To want to throw something at DP's DB

(180 Posts)
GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 02:28:01

My DP's DB has some unfortunate incidents hmm resulting in him now living back at home (with my DP and their Mum). He sleeps in the room directly next to where my DP and I sleep (I stay over quite a lot). It is currently about 2AM and he (DB) has returned from wherever he has been (I assume the pub) with a girl who he has been (ahem) seeing. I don't mind this, he is entitled to do what he liked with whoever he likes.

However, he had (clearly) woken me up as well as my DP as his understanding of the words 'quiet' and 'whisper' are nonexistent. The girl he's with is worse, her voice is just so loud and (I hate to say it) really chavy. They have put a film on though they are chatting over it.

The thing I hate most us that there's no consideration for. Anyone else in the house (bungalow so all rooms b close). My DP has work in the morning (chef- split shift tomorrow) and I can tell that he is not asleep.

AIBU to want to go and thump the (ahem) twonk and tell him to shut the hell up because he is keeping everyone up! He wakes me and DP up all the time, once before with this girl and many other times just by him and his loud mouth! This is excluding many other very selfish, disgusting and rude things that he has dome/does. It's not fair on my DP and I want to just through something at him!!

Sorry, I know this is long and probably seems pathetic, but it's really affecting my DP sad

You sound a bit judgemental about his reasons for living back home, but your DP lives there too so YABU to judge.

I can see why the noise is annoying but its really up to your DP to say something.

LoopsInHoops Sun 20-Jan-13 02:31:50

How old are the two brothers?

What about not being fair on their parents?

Why aren't the pair of you sleeping at your house?

It isn't for you to object, it is your choice to stay there, they both live in someone else's house, if there is a problem, then the three of them need to sort it out during daytime hours.

HowTerriblyEngliscOfMe Sun 20-Jan-13 02:41:29

I agree with Birdsgottafly...

Why aren't you both sleeping in your house...not enough space? Too far away from his/your place of work? Surely its more important that you both get enough sleep...

Why not just chap the door, enter, and say "Could you keep the noise down, I'd like to get back to sleep." ? Yes, he is inconsiderate; but I'm really not understanding why you're lying there fuming rather than ask him to be considerate.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 04:37:06

Asking him would have the complete opposite affect on him tbh sad he would likely be more loud just to spite us.
We're not at mine because don't think my parents like the idea of DP sleeping over, plus DP has work in the morning and it's further from my house.
While agree that they both live there, my DP ays rent to his Mum and DB does not -he does have a small job at a ub so could contribute something but doesn't,
He lives back at home because of a DUI conviction and lost his job as a result. He doesn't seem to show much remorse, so yeah, I do kind of judge a little.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 04:38:15

DP is 24, DB is 27 next month, I forgot to say.

sooperdooper Sun 20-Jan-13 05:28:50

Get your own

sooperdooper Sun 20-Jan-13 05:30:05

Oops damn phone!

Get your own place then you won't have to worry about it, you don't have to stay there

DexysMidnightMummers Sun 20-Jan-13 05:36:28

Save up for a place of your own....if your DP is 24 and working there is no reson for you to live with his parents

complexnumber Sun 20-Jan-13 05:40:18

You are a guest in the house, there is no way you can tell him to quieten down in his own family home.

It will have to be your DP if anyone is going to say anything.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 08:50:58

I would love to get our own place, but I am a student) and DP has loans to pay off and earns minimum wage. We are saving, but at this rate itll be a few years yet sad
Finally got to sleep at around 5.30 to be woken up at 7 for another hour. There was also a lot of, err, activity iyswim going on so hard to interrupt.
Thanks for replies smile I was wide awake with no hope of going back to sleep so I thought mumsnet hear I come lol smile

None of type business re how much they both party to their mum. Either you suck it up or leave and get your own place/rent a room in a house share. If you don't talk to the brother that is.

Argh, ignore the ridiculous typos, I've just woken up and am on my phone! Re being kept awake by 'activities' that's the best time to make a point! Compete with him on loudness our put them off or just knock on the door repeatedly grin

Doingakatereddy Sun 20-Jan-13 09:01:44

You are a guest in someone's else's home, it would be rude of you to complain.

Person I feel for is the brothers Mum, who has various entitled girls staying at her house.

lisylisylou Sun 20-Jan-13 09:02:24

No you are not. Everyone is entitled to sleep and they are old enough to understand especially at 24 & 27 years old. Even my kids at 7 & 8 know not to make much noise and come down to watch tv. DP works hard and it's hard working when you're knackered. If it was me in your situation I would ask politely at that point when they're making the most noise. Or mention it to your dp. There is nothing worse than being sleep deprived. I am expecting to get shot down in flames but hey ho I love my sleep!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:18:27

Thanks lisylisyou, I just thought it was quite imcomsiderate of DB rather than anything else really.
As to me being one of these 'various entitled girls' in DP's mums house, I have been with DP for 2 years and we always make a conscious effort to keep noise levels to a minimum, therefore respecting the needs of others )in this case sleep needs). It would be nice for others to do the same. smile

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:20:35

Confused - haha! The thought of barging in makes my stomach church but is such a good thought. I never dreamed of doing that :D wish j had now.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:22:17

Wish I had thought of the competing I mean. Sorry, brain being slow!

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 09:22:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort Sun 20-Jan-13 09:25:56

If you know he makes a lot of noise grin at night why on earth do you continue sleeping over with your DP - its not essential you know, it sounds like you have a perfectly pleasant home with your own parents.

I feel incredibly sorry for your DP's mother, having all sorts of visitors at night, don't know how she puts up with it.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:26:57

Ok, so if I'm unreasonable as I am the guest, what about my DP? He lives there but DB has no respect for his needs. DP knows confronting him directly last night would not have desired affect so didn't say anything.
Is it not reasonable to want to sleep in someone else's home? If I had guests I would deffonately be making an effort to make sure they slept well etc. I wouldn't dream of keeping a guest up all might. It shocks me that most would tbh

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:30:43

His mum doesn't have 'all sorts of visitors' in her home. She has me, who she considers family according to my DP, and this girl who's been round a few times (can't remember the name though confused)

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 09:33:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 09:35:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr Sun 20-Jan-13 09:38:48

What is it with these parents who allow their adult sons to behave like this in their homes. I have three grown lads and as soon as they wanted to bring girls back, come in late and noisy, have mates round for drinks etc. I suggested they look for their own place. I did my time in "digs" I am far to old to be putting up with all that crap now!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:39:28

The only thing I'm jiudging them for is not having common curtesy. Is that BU? I see millions of threads on here all the time judging strangers common curtesy, why is it so different here?
And no I don't pay rent or anything, but I do tidy up etc

grobagsforever Sun 20-Jan-13 09:41:20

The poor parents....

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:42:44

I don't just 'shag and bugger off home' because I'm not one of those girls. I love my DP and I prefer to stay at his than my house because of parents, work situation and my DP also feelsore comfortable here (ad do I).

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 09:43:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:44:57

His mum seems to sleep llike a log somehow- lucky one haha! I don't think she minds tbh, not sure why though

Ragwort Sun 20-Jan-13 09:45:26

Too right ledkr - who are these parents who think it is totally reasonable for adults to bring home 'friends' for the night why not use the back of the car like we did. No way would I allow my DS to behave like this.

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 09:45:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:46:47

If it makes a difference, I have offered to pay before but was shot down.

I don't think you have any right as a guest in a house to ask a resident of that house to curtail his behaviour. Your dp does though and if not an issue for him then I suggest you either put up with it or don't stay there.

Oh and whether he pays rent or not or his circumstances of being there in his parents house has nothing to do with you.

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 09:48:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:49:14

Sorry neat, i took your comment in the wrong way obviously. I wouldn't feel comfortable skin that as it would mean a half hour walk at night, and I would feel slightly cheap. Just my opinion though smile

whois Sun 20-Jan-13 09:50:20

All of you living at home is a bit pathetic and the DB has more right to the house than you do. You sound young if you're mum won't let your DP stay over...

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 09:51:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:57:40

And no I don't shower or eat meals at dp house. I buy my own things

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 20-Jan-13 09:58:23

It's between DB and his mother TBH, if it's affecting your DP then he needs to move out and get a houseshare, in the same way that if you are in a houseshare with crap tenants, you'd look for a new place.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 09:59:35

Whois- I don't think it's pathetic. It might be for DB who had a good thing and ruined it by drink driving. My dp has a shit job he can't get out of and loans to pay back. It's hardly fair to call hum parhetic

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 10:04:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsGeologist Sun 20-Jan-13 10:07:00

So if under 25s live at home, they are pathetic, but if they move out and require HB to cover extortionate rents, they are scroungers.

Sorry, know it's not your main point OP, it just bugs me.

I think it would really have to be a word between your DP and his DB, not you and DB, as you don't live there.

ledkr Sun 20-Jan-13 10:16:23

Not pathetic to live at home but if you want the single lifestyle then don't expect your parents lives to be disrupted by your choices.
My ds can stay here as long as they like but if they want to come in pissed every weekend make fry ups and bring girls back then they can get their own place.
Pils have their dc and partners living with them for various periods. To save to go traveling, deposit on a house etc. mil works ft and dies all their washing cooking etc. silly arse. Me and dh said we might sell our house and move in with them while our money sits in the bank grin be a nice break from all the mundane household chores and we'd have built on childcare.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 10:22:42

Neat - no i don't do the walk of shame. I go to work from my partners house.
Mrs Geologist - exactly, if we were to move out we would need benefits and would then get called scroungers. It's ridiculous.

I have concluded to ask DP to talk to DB.
ledkr - but i don't want the single lifestyle. DB does. Why should his Mum and brother suffer for him wanting this lifestyle. And i totally agree with not likely them coming home pissed all the time. DB does this and, trust me, waking up to find your dp's db peeing in his (dp's) room is not fun lol. OK, maybe extreme example but still..

SarahBumBarer Sun 20-Jan-13 10:33:29

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time OP and some if the comments in here are downright mean considering current rental prices/average age if first time buyers etc. Lots if young people are living with parents (and many not so young). MY DS is only two and I may change my mind a dozen times but my view is that while he will never be allowed to bring "girls" home a long time gf of several years will be welcome to stay the night.

You are still BU however. It is not your place to say anything but it us hard to be reasonable when you are watching the hours tick by in the middle of the night. If it is not bothering your DP's DM (you say she sleeps like a log) then there us not much you can do although if your DP is paying rent them IMO he has the right to say something.

ledkr Sun 20-Jan-13 10:36:59

Op not really criticising you just think there comes a time when it's time to move out IMO. Many parents are happy for the dc to remain at home for their adulthood regardless of their lifestyle. I'm just not one of them!
Obviously your bil behaviour us ridiculous. My dd had a birthday sleepover last night and they were told to shut up when it got too loud so god knows why he can't be!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 10:37:19

Thanks Sarah, yes, in my area especially, house prices are crazy! For all I would love to have our own place, it's not a realistic goal at the moment. Someone meantioned house-share, but surely the same problems re noisy house mates could occur therefore not solving problems.
Anyway, I know it's not my place (the throwing something at him was not serious though I might like it to be sometimes grin)
I'm going to speak to DB about it. He was very grumpy this morning with lack of sleep also, so it shouldn't be too hard smile

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 10:39:05

ledkr - i think it's something to do with him not understanding the fact that there are other people in the world lol. I hope your dd wasn't too noisy. I too was told to shut up at my one (and only) sleepover as a child. Sleep-overs were banned from then on lol smile

ledkr Sun 20-Jan-13 10:41:18

sarah that's my opinion too. However two of ds "long term gf" took the piss. Ate all my food used my products in the shower and just generally lived here for free. I was single parent of four and ds was paying a small amount of rent!
I tried to be tolerant but one day she accused me of eating one of her caramel shortbreads. I had but she had been eating my food for monthshmm I showed her the fecking door along with the other shortbreads which narrowly missed her head as she walked down my pathway grin

spudmurphy Sun 20-Jan-13 10:43:49

Ledkr i love it!!! Well done yougrin

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 10:45:04

ledkr - I wouldn't dare eat all my MIL food, although I love her and think she is really nice and all, she can go mental sometimes. I think that I would get shown the door if I was like that too! Good for you throwing the shortbread at her though, nice touch grin

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 20-Jan-13 10:47:18

DD's in a houseshare as a student. She's learning vital lifeskills like sharing turf, compromise and negotiation. Because everyone is on an equal footing they either work out the problems or move out.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 20-Jan-13 10:48:36

Oh, and well done Ledkr! grin

SarahBumBarer Sun 20-Jan-13 10:53:24

Pmsl Ledkr - hopefully you obtained a consensus of YANBU before chucking the shortbread at her?

It should be your DP who complains as it's his house, or moves out.

I say this as somebody who is in a very similar situation (DP is a student, I am working part-time and we live in a city in the SE) yet we live in a house share rather than with parents. Much prefer it tbh! I reckon unless you're living in London, you could afford a houseshare easily if your DP is a chef and you get loans! Which would make much more sense than living with parents if things are that frustrating.

Ledkr: You legend grin

Bluebell99 Sun 20-Jan-13 11:03:52

So you go straight to work from your dp's house and you don't use the shower?! Eugh shock

ledkr Sun 20-Jan-13 11:07:52

Puts up collar in no nonsense manner and punches palm!
She lost me when she used my Paul Mitchell hair products.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 11:07:55

I shower in the evenings, what's wrong with that? Lots of people do that confused

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 11:08:48

Ahaha ledkr, she sounds like she was awful grin

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sun 20-Jan-13 11:10:01

op, what are you doing sleeping with a man in his mother's house?
why does she let her sons bring random women home?
clearly the mother is a woman of no decency at all.
naturally her adult sons have no respect for her and so do not conduct their sexual adventures discreetly away from her home.
you and the 'chavvy ho' are no different from each other. you might be quiet and polite but you both go round to a woman's home to have sex with her sons.
you are in no position to criticise.
and your own parents might want to think about how they brought you up, if you are content to form a liason with a man from a family with such low standards. are you sure you are not letting your parents down?

ledkr Sun 20-Jan-13 11:11:05

Are you serious bunny

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 20-Jan-13 11:12:19

Are you religious, bunny?

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sun 20-Jan-13 11:12:58

one hundred per cent. i thought it might not be the standard view. all the more reason to post it.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sun 20-Jan-13 11:13:24

religious? a bit.
decent? yes.

ledkr Sun 20-Jan-13 11:14:37

A little bit ott really. This is the 21st century and people do have sex before marriage. Are Christians meant to be this judgey?

You keep referring to it as 'my DPs house' - except it's not. It's his mum's house or it's the family home.

Of course if you call it DPs house because he lives there then you should also think of it as DBs house...

It is down to DPs mum to say what goes in HER house.

Have you thought about the fact that if you can hear their 'activities' allowed they can definitely hear yours? Maybe DB is sick of hearing YOU. If the walls are that thin he will be able to hear everything too.

FWIW you come across as very judgemental with your 'chavvy voice','not one of those girls' and opinions on why your relationship is the right sort etc.

You also sound very young.

He LIVES there - you don't. It's his home as much as DPs and whilst your DPs mum (she isn't your MIL) may like you a lot she will not love you like she loves her kids - including DB, no matter what your DP says and your regular presence WILL occasionally drive her nuts.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 11:15:36

The difference is, in my opinion, is that I don't just round to his house to 'have sex'. I go round to spend time with him and hang out. I also spend time with his Mum and we have gone out for meals together with my DP. I don't think that constitutes being a 'chavvy ho'. I also don't think that the other girl is a 'chavvy ho', she just had an irritating voice.
No, I am not letting parents down in anyway.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sun 20-Jan-13 11:19:17

ledkr A little bit ott really. This is the 21st century and people do have sex before marriage. Are Christians meant to be this judgey?
did i mention Christianity?
judgey? there's no judgement involved - only 'standards'. respectable behaviour. none of which has gone on in the situation described in the op.

thebody Sun 20-Jan-13 11:19:53

I sort of get what bunny says. My older lads are 23 and 21 and wouldn't dream of treating our house like this. They have 2 younger sisters as well so have to be good role models.

They have left home now but return for holidays etc.

One had a long term girl friend that was allowed to stay but the younger one has 'shall we say more fleeting relationships' but never under my roof thank you.

Op you need to stop dossing at your partners and look to rent a double room with your dp.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sun 20-Jan-13 11:20:15

well, school, at least you are content with your behaviour.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 11:20:46

Coola, i know she's not my MIL - it was quicker to type than DP's DM. And I agree it is the family home. I live in my family home, but often call it 'my house' to others. It's just the way I talk.
As I said, I perhaps shouldn't have said chavvy voice - perhaps just irritating.

LIZS Sun 20-Jan-13 11:21:54

How do you know you haven't disturbed him on other occasions ?

MooMooSkit Sun 20-Jan-13 11:25:06

I think the replies to this are a bit weird to be honest :S First of all, I'm guessing a lot of you have well paid jobs or are over 25, I have my own house now but when I was that age I lived with my husband (and he was obv my bf before that) in his Mum's house and luckily, we all had respect for each other. It isn't easy to get on the housing market and i think it's ridiculous they are being shot down for saving up to move out rather than going to private rent and throwing money down the drain, god if i could rewind time I would do the same!

I think you and your DP should talk to his Mum together and just say you've noticed they are very inconsiderate or have a sit down all together. The DB sounds like he has no respect for his mother tbh bringing bag one nighters for shags and making a racket anyway! God knows why people are comparing you to her, you are actually in a relationship :S I would never have dreamed of bringing back flings to my Dad's house, and he only allowed my long term bf after we'd been together a year jesus christ it is the 21st century now people!!

God some of the replies here, it's all about "oh just shut up and move out then" yeah cos it's that easy at the moment, live in the real world please before making such dumb comments! Like I said, me, my ex, his sister and Mum all lived under one roof and didn't shag loudly and all were considerate to each other having shift work. It's not hard to have respect! Good for some of you lot tho saying the DB is entitled to shag loud and have no respect for everyone nice one!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 11:25:10

I don't doubt that I have disturbed him once or twice. The point is that I will have disturbed him at, perhaps, 10 or 11pm, while he has disturbed me and my dp for 3 and a half hours at 2am. There's a difference.

Going: How old are you? & have you looked at renting a studio flat or room? You seem to be ignoring anything that refers to renting accomodation.

Lovebunny: Really? There is a difference between sleeping around and havign a long term partner...

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 11:28:43

Thanks MooMoo, I appreciate the support smile

RuleBritannia Sun 20-Jan-13 11:30:32

Another one here to support Bunny. It's all about decency, how to behave and standards. It brings to mind 'How To Bring Up Your Child'.

If we brought back values like 'no children before marriage' but not ostracising the girl if it does happen, the world would be a better place. Children would have both parents not a couple arguing over who looks after it with SS involved.

I suppose I do disapprove of lone parents unless they are widows or divorced. They can't help being lone parents. Unmarried girls can.

Sorry, off basic topic.

Moomoo: "Shut up and move out" is, in essence, a lot simpler than it's made out to be. As I said to OP myself, I am in a very similar situation and we live in the SE where things are expensive yet have managed to rent a room. That's what I call living in the real world. Yes some people find it better to live with family, but if that's the case then you suck it up if you're living in somebody elses house rent free or get your partner to talk about expectations and if those expectations aren't fulfilled you move out.

I think perhaps it's time you all stopped treating this poor woman's home like a hotel!

You don't stay at your parents' house because they wouldn't like it but hey ho his mother doesn't matter!

You all need to grow up! And, to be fair, her other son has as much right to be there as your boyfriend and way more right than you.

Have your booty calls elsewhere and you won't be disturbed!

thebody Sun 20-Jan-13 11:35:50

My Dcs have always managed to rent a room both at uni and after..

You don't need to save up or get on the housing ladder to move out.

Think its convenient for op to doss rent free between nice houses but she resents the fact that db is a permanent fixture.

Why are you ignoring all advice to rent a room op?

Xales Sun 20-Jan-13 11:38:21

Erm well she didn't just come around to his house for sex did she? They were watching a film and chatting ie spending time together.

Sort of like the things I would imagine you and your DP do when not doing the shagging?

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 11:43:16

I work full time as an apprentice so earn approx £5000 a year while also studying part time with the OU which I have to save for. Even if I only rented a room, there's no way I could possibbly save for my degree. I pay rent to my parents but at a subsidised rate because they want to support me while I study. Even combined with DPs minimum wage job, we live in an expensive area. We have looked into it, but it's not feasable it the moment.

Then stop going around to their family home, a family that the brother is part of and you're not, and stay at home.

If your parents don't like him staying over, then he doesn't stay over!

You both need to stop feeling like you can dictate what happens with the brother. If it were me, and your boyfriend told me to keep it down because his girlfriend woke up, I would tell him exactly where you and he could fuck off to!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 11:47:20

Xales - I don't mind her chatting and spending times with him obviously. Me and my dp do do this when 'not...shagging'. But not at top-volume at 2AM.

thebody Sun 20-Jan-13 11:50:57

Then rent in a less expensive area!!!!!!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 20-Jan-13 11:53:13


If you want a decent sleep then go to your own house.

I find it bizarre that you are still living with your parents and yet behaving as if you are the one in charge!

Again, you probably can rent a room with that money between you. Your situation looks even more similar to mine with that info! The only way you are going to get a say in where you stay and behaviours of housemates is if you become independent, relying on his family for accommodation (for free!) means that you cannot dictate. You could be silly and do as I suggested earlier which is compete and/or knock and ask to keep the noise down, but it's ultimately up to your DPs Mum who is in the house just as it is up to your parents who stays at theirs.

Why are you doing an apprenticeship and studying with the OU at the same time, out of curiosity, what is it you're doing? & why are you not getting loans? They are a pig, but they help significantly towards life costs! Do you pay rent at your parents house?

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 11:55:44

Ok, so what about this scenario. I didn't wake up, DP did. Would it be unreasonable for DP to be annoyed at DB making loads of noise at 2AM and want to tell him to shut up? He lives there, pays rent, is family and has work in the morning.

I don't think that this would be an unreasonable thing to be annoyed at.

The situation I am in is the same as this, but I woke up also. I just happened to be the one 'telling the story'. DP is equally as annoyed.

I don't see how some people here can think it's unreasonable that, for example, some people ask their guests to take off their shoes in their home, but talking at top-volume at 2AM doesn't seem a problem.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 11:59:09

thebody - Where??? I have a job and so does DP. He can't get a job, I would love him too, he is trying so hard to get another job. I can't leave my job otherwise I will lose half a qualification that my work are paying for and won't get another job without this qualification.
I cannot drive to work, buses are very unrelaible in my area. Where do you suggest I go??

PessaryPam Sun 20-Jan-13 11:59:22

I think bunny is Muslim not Christian from previous threads. I find it odd that people like her have such extreme view about sex.

Except he's not your guest, or your boyfriend's.

Grow up. Seriously. You sound like a spoilt brat!

You don't get any prizes in life for studying and working. Your not the only one doing it. Others (like me) have done it while living somewhere that we could dictate rules in!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:00:55

Yes I pay rent at my parents house. I mentioned that. I am doing an apprenticeship (Teaching Assistant working with SEN children) as I can then become a qualified TA and get experience in schools, while doing an OU degree to then become a teacher.

HelgatheHairy Sun 20-Jan-13 12:02:00

When DH was still just DB, I stayed with him at his family home every weekend. Prior to him being with me, his ex actually lived there full time. His two brothers also lived at home. His parents had no problem with it (well, they hated the ex but had no problem with her living there or me staying over). (I'm also Irish and here it's VERY common in rural areas for both men and women to live at home until they have the money to build their own house. Moving out to rent is only now becoming something people do.)

It's from that background I'm giving my advice goingbacktoschool

Unfortunately, you can't say anything to the brother. I'd invest in really good earplugs. If you say something you will cause an issue and make you being there very uncomfortable. It's up to either your DB or his mother to say something. They are being very inconsiderate and I feel for you (I'm not good if my sleep is disturbed) but its really not your place to say anything.

One other bit of advise - AIBU is very scary (I've never had the guts to post here!) so well done for not running away in the face of some frankly scary judgemental people (bunny I'm looking at you)

PessaryPam Sun 20-Jan-13 12:03:09

Surely it's up to the brothers Mum whether the sons are allowed to have partners over. As she is OK with it I don't think it's reasonable for some posters to say they are a depraved family. We allow our adult girls to have friends of either sex stay with them in their rooms and we are not depraved.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:04:23

I don't want to dictate rules walter - I don't see 'if you are awake at 2AM with guests, you should talk in hushed voices so as to respect others' as a 'rule'. I know that others study as well, but I don't see how that's relevant to a sleeping-issue question :/

Is it spoilt to want to sleep? I think you ABU on that one.
Is it spoilt to want an education? No.

McNewPants2013 Sun 20-Jan-13 12:05:09

Doesn't your patents approve of you relationship.

Because I would be mighty pissed off if I was paying rent to my parents and not allowed to have a long term partner stay in the room I pay for.

McNewPants2013 Sun 20-Jan-13 12:05:45

Parents not patents

PessaryPam Sun 20-Jan-13 12:06:41

Yes McNew so would I.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:07:58

Helga - I totally agree. It's not my place to talk to DB (I wouldn't dare, I find him quite scary sometimes but that's a different issue). I might get some earplugs as you suggests haha smile

HelgatheHairy Sun 20-Jan-13 12:09:17

And yes, your partner could say something. But he chose for whatever reason not to.

Living with people that aren't your family takes compromise. From his behaviour your DPs DB either hasn't adapted back to living at home or feels that as he's oldest he can do what he wants. It doesn't sound that If you went in there that there would be a good outcome (he'd probably turn up the television). Everything feels magnified at 2am.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:09:53

McNew - It's not that they don't approve as such, I just think that my DM would be more comfortable if he didn't stay. DF wouldn't mind at all. This is combined with his late working hours and my parents going to bed earlier. It would be more of a faff iyswim smile

WorraLiberty Sun 20-Jan-13 12:11:57

My goodness you're a guest in someone else's family home.

It's not for you to kick up a fuss about this.

If you don't like it then don't stay there...and if your DP doesn't like it then it's his place to complain - not yours.

And to whoever suggested she 'chap the door' and ask them to keep the noise down...yeah right I can just imagine what my response would have been to my brother's girlfriend doing that in my home!

maddening Sun 20-Jan-13 12:12:17

But the db isn't YOUR or your dp's guests - he is living in his own home.

The mother is the one who could dictate but as she isn't I assume she isn't affected?

So then your dp could speak to his mother as the home owner or his brother as an equal housemate, for want of another word, to discuss house rules.

As a guest your only gripe is with your host which is your dp - your options are let him deal with it or don't stay over.

It would not be appropriate for you to raise it with anyone else.

McNewPants2013 Sun 20-Jan-13 12:12:30

But why is that.

You feel like you can sort out your DP family home, but can't tackle your own mother who treats you like a child despite you being an adult.

FutTheShuckUp Sun 20-Jan-13 12:14:26

Out of interest how old are you?

How odd! Of course wanting to sleep and study is not spoilt!

However, expecting to stay rent free at your boyfriend's mother's house while you won't allow him to stay at yours and then bitching about someone who has an actual entitlement to be there instead of just being there for shafting: that's spoilt.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:16:59

McNew- she doesn't treat me like a child, she has never said that he can't stay, on the contrary my DF says he more than welcome whenever. I just get a vibe from DM that she prefers him not to stay. I think that she wished I was still a child and this has something to do with it, but that's what happens sometimes when children grow up, isn't it. I can't control DMs feelings. I just try not to cause unnecessary stress to her.

I don't see keeping noise levels down as 'sorting out' DP family. They don't need sorted out, just hushed tones on the odd occassion might be nice - not just for me but DP as well.

Replace shafting with shagging, though the essentials remain the same!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:20:15

walter - you are mistaken. I don't 'not allow' DP at my house. As I have said, I feel that my DM would be more comfortable if he didn't stay, his work (and mine for that matter) is closer to his house and his late hours lend themselves to going to his rather than mine.
Also, about staying rent free. As said previously, I offered to pay! What more can I do if I am told No?
Again, I'm not bitching about DB being there or doing whatever he likes with whoever he likes, just the time and volume he does it at. It's not just me that is affected. DP is 'entitled' as you put it, to be repsected in his family home.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:20:44

haha walter - i was wondering what shafting meant smile thought i was out of the loop lol

WorraLiberty Sun 20-Jan-13 12:21:36

I'm guessing this really doesn't bother your DP much and you're using him as an excuse.

If and when it ever starts to bother him I'm sure he'll speak up.

You on the other hand need to put up or ship out.

McNewPants2013 Sun 20-Jan-13 12:21:52

Well if your mum has said it ok for him to stay, then start staying at your house.

His work maybe a longer commute, but I would prefer to get up earlier than have a disturbed night.

Or he could be a big boy and move out.

A longer bus journey perhaps but then you and he wouldn't have to worry about the big, bad brother having the audacity to watch tv. In his own room. In his mother's house.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:22:55

It does bother him - Worra. I very much bothers him. He doesn't feel as though he could have said anything useful last night that would have made any difference. He is very grumpy when sleep deprived

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:27:50

walter - he can't move out. He has no money!! FWIW, DB sleeps in the living room and the TV is right up against the wall where DPs bed is. Telly less than a metre away from our heads.

Many people have said that I don't pay rent so can't moan. DB doesn't pay rent at all either, depsite DP does. Shouldn't that mean that DB should respect DP as he actually pays to live there, while DB scrounges 'like me' :/

No, it shouldn't.
Because it's his mother's home and it's up to her what people do with it.

Like I said earlier, if you don't like it, stay at home!

Going: As it's already been stated, your DP should deal with it, it's not for you to deal with really.

RE where to go, you get buses, unreliable means you get an earlier bus until you learn to drive. You make allowances, you look at things differently. You sound like me three years ago when I ended up living with my parents and boyfriend at the time for 6 months. I gave up in the end and got work away from home again! But whilst there I got stuck in a circle of excuses as to why I couldn't do this, that or the other, why I couldn't get out of my parents house, why I couldn't get a job, etc. I had an answer for everything and just couldn't see around it or remove myself from the situation mentally to get a different idea or viewpoint. You really have to listen to what other people are suggesting and look at how it could possibly work, and how you could make it work.
At the very least realise there are others in similar situations who do it differently which means that you can too so no more excuses. Think outside of the box and your attitude towards it will change.

RE apprenticeship, there are other options, you can continue apprenticeships with other employers if need be. There are other mainstream schools and special needs schools near you that would pay for the aprenticeship, they are usually in need of extra staff for SEN students, especially those who want to be in that field of work.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:47:47

Confused - I agree. I don't intend to go in 'all guns blazing' and try to deal with it myself. I would get lynched by DB!

I do drive, but my insurance would be around £1000 which is just not feasable. I already cycle to work, DP walks mostly. Jobs in my area for TAs are not too forthcoming, I am looking for jobs for next year, no luck so far. Hopefully things will get better soon though

Thanks for the advice people smile

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sun 20-Jan-13 12:48:48

I think bunny is Muslim not Christian from previous threads. I find it odd that people like her have such extreme view about sex.

clarification - i'm Christian, church of england, not active at the moment but always potentially so, when i find a vicar who doesn't annoy the hell out of me.
i've been deeply interested in world religions for over 40 years. if a person can have a 'favourite' religion other than their own, mine is Islam. its clear, straightforward, promotes decency and offers people hope. yes, it has some dodgy bits, but so do they all.

sex - i am not hoodwinked by current trends in western liberal society which says 'all people are entitled to all sex at all times and at all places'. oh, apart from sex with children. depending on how long you think childhood lasts. here in the uk, its to 16 but is it spain where its 12? arbitrary.

we cover our bodies. we have 'private parts', termed so because we keep them private. what we do with them, we also keep private. we don't flaunt sex in front of our parents, their neighbours or friends. it is private. we conduct our sex lives privately. that isn't extreme. its normal. the exhibitionism is extreme.

when a woman lives with an adult son and without a husband, sometimes the boundaries become blurred - who is actually in charge in the house? the woman might depend on the son for support. therefore she might accept his disrespectful behaviour. but, if he honoured his mother as he should, he would only bring a wife to her house, not any other kind of passing creature.

daughters likewise, would bring a marriage partner but no other. and daughters who are properly cared for would not be wandering free at night, looking for some youth with a bed.

rent paid to parents by the way, is rarely the going rate. if i've kept you for twenty years, just because you give me fifty pounds a week does not mean you're entitled to bring sex partners into my house.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 12:53:07

I think the difference is, bunny, that I'm not considered a 'passing creature' or a 'sex partner'. I understand your pint of view, but I think that my DP and his DM would disagree with you. FWIW, bunny, we weren't having sex last night. Does that count in my favour wink
I myself am a Christian, but I do not believe that God will 'look down' on me for my actions. I believe that he sees a loving relationship between two people, not meaningless sex between passing people.
We are all entitled to our opinions though smile

You are just his girlfriend though, aren't you? I'm sure there's been more before you.


when a woman lives with an adult son and without a husband, sometimes the boundaries become blurred - who is actually in charge in the house?

The woman who owns the house, obviously.

Don't derail the thread with your stupid outdated, sexist opinions.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:01:15

I agree walter, his DM is definately in charge. There's no reason for her not to be.
And as to 'ther others', there's been one. Hardly a motorway fro sexual promiscuity is it wink

fluffywhitekittens Sun 20-Jan-13 13:03:20

Just out of interest if the OP was married and not "just shacking up with" her P would that make a difference to some of you?

FutTheShuckUp Sun 20-Jan-13 13:03:59

How many girlfriends he or his brother have had is by the by isnt it really? IT IS NOT YOUR HOUSE in anyway shape of form- why are you not grasping this? It is however his mums, brothers and his!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:04:46

I was thinking the same - fluffy.
I have seen similar threads with married OPs and the DB in those situations got flamed sad

No, not a motorway of promiscuity (is that what you called it?!) but hardly a family member, is it?!

I don't think it would make a blind bit of difference in they were married or not! It still wouldn't be her house or her place to be moaning!

OP seems to think she's 'more important' than the brother's girlfriend. But she's not. She's a girlfriend, just like the 'chavvy' one!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:07:22

I understand that it's not my house. That is obvious, I am not stupid Fut.
I don't see how this means that a member of the household can wake up other members of his household (plus me) and this is ok?
If I am a guest in someone elses house, I don't expect to be subjected to, for example, abusive language or rudeness, though I don't live there. It's just manners.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:08:50

The other girl is not a 'girlfriend' though I don't think it matters if she is or not. I don't think I'm more important than her, I just think that if I can make an effort to be quiet, so can they.
And the 'motorway of promescuity' is not a phrase I use in general conversation obviously, I just thought it explained the point nicely.

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 13:09:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:10:56

What I mean to say is, when DP and I have sex, we respect that his DB doesn't necessarily want to hear everything and might want to sleep. Therefore we keep the noise to a minimum.
Why can't he, when having sex with his 'girlfriend', have the same curtesy? That is my question.

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 13:12:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

going: Why is it not feasible? Could you not do it monthly? Or save purposely to pay for insurance for a year? (I'm amazed it's only £1000, my first year was £1200 sad), is this with another person on as second driver too? If I renewed without DP on this year it would have been over £850, putting him on put it down to £650 with sainsbury's in the end. This is with one year no claims and paying up front but it is the third time I've had to pay car insurance and it's come down by £400 in the two 'whole' years I've been driving, so if you can put your degree on hold for one installment then to put the money towards the car it would make your life much easier in the long run.

You're on an apprenticeship, a lot of places will hire an apprentice for the extra hand without having to hire a full member of staff as they're cheaper. When does your apprenticeship end?

Lovebunny: I disagree. It is possible for two people to be with one another in a loving relationship and have sex without being married (and lets face it, how many people can afford to get married at the moment? We're already saving for our wedding ad we're not even engaged). As long as the son isn't shagging on the sofa and keeping it to his room I wouldn't call it flaunting either. I agree with you on passing fancies and new partners, but long-term partners are a different thing all together. Even when those partners can change.

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 13:13:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FutTheShuckUp Sun 20-Jan-13 13:13:37

But surely just surely you can grasp if the people who do LIVE in the house have a problem with it they will say something/deal with it? Why have you taken it on as your own problem?

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:13:57

But Neat, that doesn't answer my question. The question is not 'should I move out'. The answer is clearly yes, and I would if I could.
I just don't see why my DP respects that DB doesn't want to hear us having sex, but DB doesn't give the same respect back,

FutTheShuckUp Sun 20-Jan-13 13:15:41

Repeat after me.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:16:37

Fut, I have taken it as my problems because it affects me. That doesn't mean that it is my place to FIX the 'problem', it is obviously DPs 'problem' to fix if he sees fit.
I was just wondering what people's opinions were re loud talking/noises when others are sleeping.

<bangs head off desk>


You don't have to move out. It's not your house to move out of.

But your DP doesn't want to fix the problem! So leave it be and stop staying if it's that much of an issue.

How old are you OP? Your DP is 24, but how old are you? Is this your first serious relationship?

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:21:37

It isn't a case of 'stop staying if you don't like it'. This isn't a regular occurance. I love spending time with my DP at his house, it's usually a very calming place.
I'm merely asking a question about people's opinions about noise vs sleeping. There's no need for shouting.

Why? Is the noise disturbing you?

The overwhelming opinion is: mind your own effing business! But you don't want to/can't grasp that.

FutTheShuckUp Sun 20-Jan-13 13:25:42

But it really IS a case of if you dont like it dont stay there.
If I like spending time with my friend at her house but her noisy family did my head in the choice would be clear wouldn't it. Why do you think you have anymore of a claim because you are having sex with someone who lives in the house?

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:25:49

Surely - walter - things affecting my DP is my business, as are problems that affect me.
Confused - DP does want to fix the problem but it's hard to do that as he is currently at work. He knows that the middle of the night is not the right time to have a chat.
My age and how many relationships I have had are not relevant.

It is a case of "stop staying if you don't like it", it's exactly that.

My god I now know how you lot all felt when I came on here saying pretty much the same thing in 2009/2010 <<shakes head>> I apologise.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:27:16

I have no 'claim' on anything, Fut. I like spending time there, on the odd occasion it can be noisy - for example, last night.
I was only asking why it is acceptable to wake a household up when there are easy solutions, like hushed tones.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:27:58

Haha you know where I'm coming from then Confused wink

Well no it's not really because he's not your DP he's your boyfriend!

I think 'partner' implies a certain level of commitment, a life together that you just don't get when you have sleepovers at your boyfriend's mum's house!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:29:30

Right, I have an essay to write (should be doing it now/for the last 2 hours really :/)
I have concluded it's not my business to talk to DB. BUT, if DP thinks it's a problem then he should talk to DB. What do you think?

Going, they really are relevant. I think you're later teens early twenties and this is your first serious relationship (not including the one you had as a teen that you say is 'serious' now but in five years you'll look back and realise it wasn't). Why do I think this? Because you are me three years ago when I was 20/21. In fact, if I weren't responding to this thread I would see it in active and wonder if it was one of mine resurrected.

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 13:30:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:30:48

on a last note - walter. I think that it's quite rude and judgemental to say that my DP is only my boyfriend. You could say that about all DPs not DHs. Why is my relationship inferior to anyone else's?

Yes, I do know where you are coming from and know how stubborn you are being and how you will cringe in embarrassment a few months down the line when you realise just how difficult you are making this for yourself! It can be so much simpler.

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 13:32:03

''Yes, in an ideal world he would be more considerate''
That what i was aksing in the first place!

FutTheShuckUp Sun 20-Jan-13 13:32:42

If he DOES think its an issue he WILL sort it out. I suggest you stop going on at him to speak to his brother and see it as it is- YOU are a guest there, he and his brother live there. Simple

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 13:32:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

walter: I'm inclined to agree with you on that point, again, based on personal experience and hindsight!

I don't know about your boyfriend (yes boyfriend).

But I sincerely hope that if he speaks to his brother, his brother tells him to fuck right off!

Your entitled attitude is breathtaking. I agree that when you're older you'll be mortified.

jamdonut Sun 20-Jan-13 13:36:09

InNeatCognac - My thoughts exactly.

Going: You could leave the relationship very easily WRT possessions, bills, commitments, etc. That is the difference. Even without children, a partner would usually share bills, responsibilities, household chores, they'd support one another financially/practically as well as emotionally, meals, maybe a bank account, etc.

frisson Sun 20-Jan-13 13:59:35

Re. the situation, if your BF is as bothered/disturbed as you are by the loud shagging and loud telly I'm sure he can find a few minutes to talk to his brother about it, work schedule notwithstanding.

Re. age and relationship history, it seems odd that in both cases you mentioned his but are reticent about your own.

Crawling Sun 20-Jan-13 14:18:11

I don't think you deserve this flaming and I have 3 kids with the man I met at 17 so not all young relationships will amount to nothing.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Sun 20-Jan-13 14:18:41

He's not your partner, he's your boyfriend.

It's not an insult to "only" be a boyfriend.

The fact you call him something he isn't makes you sound a bit immature.

Spuddybean Sun 20-Jan-13 14:20:07

I know i'm a bit late to this discussion but i must say i agree with Ledkr and other posters. I just don't understand this trend of staying at your parents house when you are an adult and expecting to behave as you would if you lived alone. Everyone is 'saving to buy a house' so therefore should be able to have boyfriends and girlfriends stay over (no matter how committed) and that is entirely justified because they want to buy?

But when did buying a house become essential? So much so you infantilise yourself or encroach on other people. And i'm sorry but i do think 24 is too old to be living at home if you want girlfriends to stay over.

In my opinion you stay at home if you can't afford to move out (which i really doubt if someone is working - what they usually mean is they can't afford a nice flat all to themselves in an area they like) but don't have overnight guests - and do your shagging elsewhere.

(Not that long ago) I moved out of home into a shared house with 7 bedrooms/tenants and i made up some of my rent by doing all the cooking, shopping, laundry and cleaning. My independence was way more important than staying with my parents to save.

I am really embarrassed for couples who leave uni and move in with ones parents for years - it seems a total failure to launch. Like buying is the only option and they wont even consider anything else or any compromise. But it seems that buying is the emperors new clothes and no one can say 'actually, we've all been sold a massive con here and can be equally happy without the moon on a stick''s a bit like big weddings too...

Anyway, i'm digressing and ranting - sorry! smile

In answer to your question imo yabu, it is more your boyfriends DB's house than yours, so it's up to his mum to complain if she is so inclined. I don't even think your boyfriend has a right to moan much either.

OkayHazel Sun 20-Jan-13 14:54:58

Your DP should move out. 24 is too old.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sun 20-Jan-13 15:27:03


when a woman lives with an adult son and without a husband, sometimes the boundaries become blurred - who is actually in charge in the house?

The woman who owns the house, obviously.

Don't derail the thread with your stupid outdated, sexist opinions*

you can tell me what to do but i can't see it having any effect.

and that mother isn't taking charge in her house. that's her issue. if she was in charge her son's girlfriends would know their place.

To be fair the OP hasn't said anything to the mother.

I would hope that if she tried it the mother would put her back in her box sharpish!

ledkr Sun 20-Jan-13 17:11:37

Despite still thinking adult kids should move out when if they want to have overnight guests and come in pissed regularly, I still think if one of my ds came in late and made a noise which disturbed my other adult son, I'd tell him to stfu!
When I stay at dh's parents house I expect dbil to keep his noise down late too.
Not sure why op is getting such a hard time.
Op write your feckkng essay will you!

PessaryPam Sun 20-Jan-13 17:23:32

I am glad I have exposed the religious nutters on this thread. From Bunny

when a woman lives with an adult son and without a husband, sometimes the boundaries become blurred - who is actually in charge in the house? the woman might depend on the son for support. therefore she might accept his disrespectful behaviour. but, if he honoured his mother as he should, he would only bring a wife to her house, not any other kind of passing creature.

Totally gobsmacking in 2013!

ShellyBoobs Sun 20-Jan-13 17:35:55

PessaryPam - it's really offensive to call someone a 'religious nutter' just because you don't agree with their opinion.

To be quite honest, I get what bunny is saying and don't think it's that difficult to understand.

It could be the case that the older brother subconsciously feels that he's got some sort of authority over the household and is forgetting that it's his mum's house not his. It's not totally unheard of, you know!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 17:48:21

ledkr - i've written the essay ok! :P
I think re the moving out thing: My DP/DB (whichever you prefer) has never gone to univerisity or moved out of the family home.
Also, buying is the eventual goal, but we don't expect this too be realistic at the moment. We're not deluded smile
Tbh, I don't see the problem with bringing people to stay over-night when living with parents. If you pay rent, then surely it is *like a houseshare and you should be able to do what you like in your rented room?
Crawling - thanks for the support smile
Also, bunny did kind of de-rail the thread, I don't think that religion has anything to do with it.
After thinking about it (and after a quick nap lol) I do see people's point. It is not my place to moan/say anything. That doesn't mean that DB wasn't being inconsiderate, though - obviously (before anyone says it!) it's his home as well (as DP/DB I mean) and can be as inconsiderate as he likes.
I think I shall buy earplugs grin

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 17:49:16

Also, I agree that calling someone a 'religious nutter' is a bit harsh. People can think whatever they like - no matter how much we might disagree with them smile

Living with your parents is in no way like a house share! You don't seriously feel that way do you? Your parents are far far more lenient than house mates and landlords. Your parents will do your washing up, cooking and laundry for you and be helpful (which in turn, takes away your independence), so doing what you like in your 'rented room' is not how it works with parents. If you paid local average for that room rental then you may have a point, but I highly doubt that!

GoingBackToSchool Sun 20-Jan-13 19:23:12

As I said previously, I pay a subsidised rate due to low income. DP/DB does pay local rate. My parents don't do my washing up or laundry, though in all fairness, they do cook family meals, though a lot of the time I am out.

And what about DP and his brother? do they do their washing up/laundry?

& if your DP is paying local rate, why can he not afford to move out, as he is paying local rate already...

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sun 20-Jan-13 22:43:50

erm, i didn't bring religion into it. someone else said i was a Muslim, so i clarified.

"I like spending time there, on the odd occasion it can be noisy..."

"Odd occasion"? "ODD OCCASION"????

So WHY all the bloody drama?!

The DB is noisy on the odd sodding occasion.... so what exactly is wrong with that? You made it sound like he was frequently always making noise and waking you up, and now it's "on the odd occasion" - why are you whinging about it?

<Bangs head off laptop repeatedly>

If it was frequent and it was your house then you would have a point. But you just said (on page 6) that it's "on the odd occasion" and it's NOT your house - therefore what exactly IS your point?

EVERYONE is allowed to be noisy on the odd occasion in their OWN HOME.

Your sleep is disturbed on the "odd occasion"?? You'll survive.

I'm thinking 18-20, first major relationship and more than a little "holier than thou" about said relationship. Real life is going to be one hell of a learning curve. I foresee a thread a few years from now about "neighbours having really inconsiderate LOUD partie*S*" and it will turn out they had one, on NYE - the noisy bastards!!

Morloth Mon 21-Jan-13 02:25:29

None of the waffling you are doing matters.

If you don't like the noise level in someone else's home, you just don't stay there.

If your DP either doesn't mind or can't be arsed to have it out with his brother, that is his business.

It isn't your home, therefore you don't get a say.

It is the Mum's house. She gets to decide what is reasonable, as both sons are adults, if they don't like what she thinks is reasonable then they can move out.

It really is very simple.

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