I don't buy/use second hand, ie clothes, electricals, toys, shoes, etc (New to MN)

(243 Posts)
HowTerriblyEngliscOfMe Sun 20-Jan-13 01:08:17

Nor have I ever. Not as a child, not as a teenager, not as an adult and now, not as a parent. If you have the money to not to need to go second hand for things, why are others so disgusted at the concept that you don't? I understand why people do it even when they don't need to, and I know there are plenty of people who don't have any other choice, but why can't people just leave me to it? It's my family, my home and my decision.

It's my mil who gets the most distressed about it. She will go on at me about it every chance she gets and I really don't understand what her problem is. I don't NEED to save that extra few hundred pounds, I don't NEED to buy toys and clothes in charity shops, I don't NEED to buy my electricals from eBay, so what is her problem?

When we started collecting things in preparation of our first child's birth, she was so weirdly mortified that dp and I were going out buying new nursery furniture and clothes, car seat, soft toys etc. She would utterly panic when we would mention that we were researching cots or buggies.

"But this person had a baby last year, you could have theirs! I'm sure they wouldn't mind! Let me get you their number..."

It got worse when dd was born she would come and thrust other peoples old baby clothes at me and continue to suggested people who had things they could give us, or come bringing baby toys from charity shops. Eventually I got so frustrated with it, I just told her outright to stop, quite forcefully actually. But it just continued a few years later when ds was born and it still continues today.

Do people really think IABU? Why? Anyone else out there like me?

Lueji Sun 20-Jan-13 01:12:21

Well, you may not need it, but would be the green thing to do.

But, if you don't want 2nd hand things, fair enough. Other people will get them, who possibly need (or want) to save more than you do.

BonkeyMollocks Sun 20-Jan-13 01:15:46

All right for some hmm

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 20-Jan-13 01:19:12

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Why get frustrated about your MIL buying second hand things for your baby? You can choose to buy new things all you like but it sounds like you have a problem with second hand things in general in which case I hope your income is always fantastic so you can continue to keep your child (and yourself) in expensive new things forever.

FlatsInDagenham Sun 20-Jan-13 01:24:10

Well I'm not like you, but I do thank you for buying new and (presumably) giving your lovely used things to a charity shop where I can buy them for a song.

Welcome to MN
<< fool>>>

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 20-Jan-13 01:24:34

I use 2nd hand stuff, im a lone parent, i dont have alot of money, and i just started working in a charity shop, for some people, its a lifeline.

Arisbottle Sun 20-Jan-13 01:26:32

I buy secondhand because it is often greener and I don't see the point in throwing money away..

No financial need to do so.

I feel quite sad that you did not do the whole vintage/ adapting secondhand close thing as a teenager. I thought that was something of a rite of passage.

HowTerriblyEngliscOfMe Sun 20-Jan-13 01:29:39

I never said I had a problem with other people buying things second hand, in fact I actually said I understood some people don't have a choice but to buy second hand...

I give a huge amount of things and money to charities. Everything in the house that is unneeded/no longer used always goes to a charity shop. I don't just throw perfectly good things away. But I've never shopped for second hand myself...

I don't understand the hate sad

DoodlesNoodles Sun 20-Jan-13 01:30:13

I mostly buy new.

I think it an OK thing to do. It is often easier to buy new and I would rather have the right thing rather than the 'well I suppose this will do' thing. IYSWIM I have almost never received 2nd hand stuff for my DC's. I was the first of my friends and family (generation) to have kids so there was nothing on offer.
Also, a lot of 2nd hand stuff is expensive and I can not be arsed using eBay etc.

Obviously if I have to I would do whatever I had to to make things work. I don't see anything wrong with 2nd hand stuff.

I also don't sell anything (very very rarely) and give my used stuff to a local charity so I don't have any 'guilt' over buying new.

So no bunfight from me smile

YANBU. If nobody ever bought anything new, where would second hand things come from?

I have a very limited budget and most of my clothes are from charity shops, I get quite a kick out of finding interesting items that way,but appreciate it's not for everyone. Similarly, while I've gratefully accepted donations for DD of clothes/toys/whatever, every so often I want to get her something new! Not to mention, for bigger, one-off purchases such as pram/buggy etc, I'd rather choose something for myself than be limited to somebody else's choice glares resentfully at rubbish second-hand pushchair which I can't justify the cost of replacing

If you can afford to buy everything new, go for it! and I'll have it when you're finished with it grin

Arisbottle Sun 20-Jan-13 01:32:34

There is no hate but lots of people choose to buy second hand when they could afford to buys new. I find it quite odd that you would not buy second hand on principle.

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Sun 20-Jan-13 01:34:18

I have an aversion to OTHER PEOPLES STUFF. I think its a sickness tbh, certain things repel me, dusty books, strangers counches, anyones clothes including my family (my sister sweats a lot) cant touch jewlery, dont even get me started on copper coins. My mam kept trying to give me my nans stuff after she died and Im sure it hurt her but I couldnt, freaked me out totally.

I do donate, albeit rarely because we use our stuff to the point of breaking.

Arisbottle Sun 20-Jan-13 01:35:00

A second hand book shop is one of my guilty pleasures.

JellicleCat Sun 20-Jan-13 01:37:11

Do you have a second hand house? Or is that new?

quoteunquote Sun 20-Jan-13 01:39:18

Do you buy all your antiques new also?grin

HowTerriblyEngliscOfMe Sun 20-Jan-13 01:39:26

DoodleNoodles - Thankyou for that. I feel the same way in terms of 'well that will do', that's what alot of second hand stuff feels like to me. Not what was actually required or wanted, just that will do.

Nellabutterfly - Did think of putting that first sentence of yours in my first post, because I think it's very true. And I do like to think that at least, if I don't buy second hand, someone gets all our stuff eventually anyway...

Arisbottle - It's not really principle, or maybe it is...I don't know what it is. I've just never done it, and I'm not used to it.

JellicleCat - The house was the house I was raised in, and ironically is very old...lol

CaptainNancy Sun 20-Jan-13 01:40:29

Ha! I was about to ask- have you never bought a 2nd hand car nor house?

ZooAnimals Sun 20-Jan-13 01:41:09

YANBU and I can't see why this thread should cause a bunfight.

If you want to buy stuff new, buy stuff new. It's no-one elses business and as Nella says somebody has to buy it new.

I do think YABU with regard to mother-in-law though.If she wants to buy your DC's a present, you should be grateful regardless of whether it is 2nd hand or not.

YANBU to not want to buy 2nd hand things, YABU to not want to receive 2nd hand things.

"YANBU to not want to buy 2nd hand things, YABU to not want to receive 2nd hand things."


CaptainNancy Sun 20-Jan-13 01:44:02

car seat, travel system, soft toys- reasonable to want new.
Baby clothes- well, they only wear them once or twice sometimes, then they're outgrown- if everyone bought brand new, think of the resources used for that- that's pressure your putting on your child's future!

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Sun 20-Jan-13 01:46:14

On one hand, if people recycled and reused and passed on more things it would be better for the environment. On the other hand, buying new goods helps the economy. As long as you pass on stuff you no longer need rather than burning it or dumping it in landfill, I think it's up to you if you prefer new to used.

JellicleCat Sun 20-Jan-13 01:46:35

Was just being curious about the house, not starting a bun fight.

I like new stuff, but I also like second hand things too, especially when they are bargains. I also like a good rummage around the charity shops.

LoopsInHoops Sun 20-Jan-13 01:48:22

It must be the principle with you OP, because of your unreasonable reaction with your MIL.

Ethically, yes, you are being unreasonable. That said, I know lots of people like you, and one more like Marceline, but she (friend) has OCD. Not her fault, so I'll forgive you too. smile

I never said I had a problem with other people buying things second hand

It got worse when dd was born she would come and thrust other peoples old baby clothes at me and continue to suggested people who had things they could give us, or come bringing baby toys from charity shops. Eventually I got so frustrated with it, I just told her outright to stop, quite forcefully actually.

^ Yes, you did, you have a problem with your MIL buying second hand things for your child.

HowTerriblyEngliscOfMe Sun 20-Jan-13 01:51:01

Second hand things we have received in the past have usually been...umm...politely accepted, but later given to a charity shop.

Lol, as to the people asking about our house. Obviously not all things in life can be brand new, I'm aware of that. I was talking about more general things...clothes, toys, bedding, televisions etc. I have 2 cars, one is brand new, one is an old military land rover brought from my grandfather. Because I thought it was beautiful and very British. I'm not adverse to antique shops either. I just feel as though if I don't really know how something has been used or where it's really been, it makes me feel uncomfortable...

LoopsInHoops - Thankyou for your forgiveness. smile

BunFagFreddie Sun 20-Jan-13 01:53:40

Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. I love quirky retro and vintage stuff so second hand things don't bother me. I only buy things that I like new or used and I see reusing and recycling as a more eco-friendly choice.

Every time we manufacture something new, it costs resouces and relases carbon. Yes, you can pass the item on when you've finished with it, but it's better to just consume less. This is why I reuse, repair, recycle and I've cut down on my consumption, but I don't expect everyone to share my lentil weaving values!

HowTerriblyEngliscOfMe Sun 20-Jan-13 01:53:57

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel - No, sorry, I meant I don't have a problem with other people buying second hand things for themselves or their families...
Shameful though it may seem to some people, I do seem to have a problem with second hands things being given to us.

"I just feel as though if I don't really know how something has been used or where it's really been, it makes me feel uncomfortable..."

Clothes can be washed. What are you actually worried about?

LentilAsAnything Sun 20-Jan-13 02:03:05

I think it's fine that you are leaving the second-hand stuff for someone more in need to be able to buy it.
And helping the economy.

I hope you've never been on holiday! Charity shop stuff has nothing on hotel mattresses.

Not entirely sure what the difference between antique and secondhand is.

I don't need to buy anything secondhand. I do so any way.

TinyDancingHoofer Sun 20-Jan-13 02:23:41

YANBU. I don't think anyone has to buy second-hand if they don't want to. And all the stuff you are turning down probably goes to someone who needs it more. You can research new stuff and get the exact thing you want instead of just taking what is on offer. But i do like a good ebay bargain.

recall Sun 20-Jan-13 02:30:30

People do tend to palm off their Baby junk onto expecting Mothers. I have had to recycle bags and bags of the stuff. They usually say "just chuck out anything you don't want" I am too gracious to refuse and just bung it in the Red Cross clothes bin at Tesco on my way past. Saying that, I have found the odd treasure in there.

YANBU, just a bit stroppy about havn't you got anything more interesting to think about ?

HowTerriblyEngliscOfMe Sun 20-Jan-13 02:30:51

I think I haven't really explained myself properly and I've given off the wrong impression. When I say second hand things, I'm not referring to every single thing in my life. I'm mostly talking about what we wear, what my children play with, general household things etc.

I don't have a problem with second hand cars, I love old houses, (the older the better in fact). I have inherited some very old things, and have been given some very old things in the past. Swords, coins, old documents, etc. But I don't feel as though that's the same thing at all.

It's a massive contradiction I know. But my parents were the same way. My grandfather is most certainly the same way. You wouldn't catch him dead in a charity shop, but an museum auction...

That makes my...issue, (because apparently it is one), even weirder doesn't it?

recall Sun 20-Jan-13 02:38:54

just a bit inconsequential

BunFagFreddie Sun 20-Jan-13 02:39:44

To be fair OP. I know what you mean, because I really try to be 'green' and do the right thing. I still don't like it when people palm their junk off onto me and then say to get rid of the stuff I don't want.

It's just laziness disguised as doing you a favour!

TinyDancingHoofer Sun 20-Jan-13 02:41:41

No, i get you. I have an 200yr old bed frame but would never have a second-hand mattress.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 20-Jan-13 02:42:01

Well, I pity your narrow life experience really, that you've only ever been blandly well off and not had the imaginative, perspective-broadening experience of buying and adapting second hand things. This seems to have left you confined to a limited way of living, almost fearful of trying other ways of doing things. Odd (and probably unfair) though that may sound.

But, your MIL would have driven me nuts. It's the interference and busybodying with other people, potentially creating unwanted reciprocal obligations or embarrassing them, apparently on your behalf, that would have irked. I'm sure she was well intentioned and had the wisdom of knowing how very much stuff babies need (and don't) and how much is used for such a short time but, the imposition of her way of doing things on your household is never really acceptable.

Also, I like to research important products and choose the best value, for our purposes. We buy some things new, i can search for the cheapest supplier, with others I am then prepared to look out for exactly the thing I want on eBay and pounce when it comes up. Or, when close family wanted to buy gifts, I had my list ready and they could pick something, of whatever size, that we really wanted. With a pfb and my tendency to research, any old pushchair etc would have felt like a wasted opportunity to get the one I really wanted.

I think what you're doing is very normal though. I have a friend like this. I would say she's a spendthrift, in that she doesn't try to get the best deal and effectively throws money away for the sake of what she perceives as convenience and just out of habit. She sees money as liberty. She did say she wished she'd had the patience and inclination to shop on eBay for baby stuff, as half her expensive top-branded stuff was no better than cheaper alternatives and she slightly envied the people who bought the rest of her stuff on eBay for a fifth of the original price.

HowTerriblyEngliscOfMe Sun 20-Jan-13 02:50:01

Lottie - Its sounds like we actually do some things very similarly... Stage 1, I will find the product I want. Stage 2, I will find the cheapest/best place to buy it. I do love my research. The same product can be ridiculously cheaper in one shop than another, just because I don't buy second hand doesn't mean I just throw money away all the time...

Monty27 Sun 20-Jan-13 02:50:32

Who cares?

Waste your money by all means.

AmIthatWintry Sun 20-Jan-13 04:57:35

Are you YummyMummyYobe in disguise <always thought she did a typo with her name>

Charity shops are for the discerning. You sound.............not so much.. a bit precious actually

FergusSingsTheBlues Sun 20-Jan-13 05:16:26

I cannot walk past a charity shop without going in, but I dont buy essentials like clothes there because i can afford not to. Second hand fridge? No problem. Curtains? Yes please.

Clothes are probably the only thing id want to buy new, and thats because i never chuck anything out so they last forever, and I go shopping fairly rarely so want to be able to choose exactly what I like.

Weissdorn Sun 20-Jan-13 06:21:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth Sun 20-Jan-13 07:02:42

It's your money, I don't give a damn what you do with it.

I have plenty of money and I intend to continue having plenty of money and one way to do that is to do things on the cheap where it is possible.

JusticeCrab Sun 20-Jan-13 07:12:23

Certain things are much better to have new, but with other things - vintage clothes, books - buying only new means missing out.

There's a difference between 2nd hand stuff which is clearly tat and 2nd hand stuff which is vair naice vintage stuff (beware, however, the vintage shops who prey on people who don't know the difference!). Saying that, our most recent non-essential household purchase was a knackered old gramophone, so I'm not entirely sure I'm worth listening to on this subject.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Sun 20-Jan-13 07:21:45

No YANBU, but your MIL is.

She's very rude and judgey; once she realised you don't like secondhand she should drop the subject.

Awkward for you, as you don't want to fall out with her. Good luck!

HecateWhoopass Sun 20-Jan-13 07:26:41

It doesn't matter. You don't HAVE to and it's not actually any form of slur or attack on people who do! grin

Just carry on saying no.

Does your mother in law use charity shops for herself? I'm betting that she's taking your refusal to have second hand goods as some sort of attack upon her.

Some people are REALLY weird like that. They get huffy if you don't want for yourself something that they have/like/do. As if by saying you don't want it - you are saying they are wrong or criticising them. hmm They often can't seem to keep the two separate.

You feeling that second hand goods are not what you want is NOT the same as saying that you think you are better than those who buy or accept second hand things. If your mother in law is seeing an attack upon her then frankly that's her problem.

I suggest you just keep it polite. Stop mentioning intended purchases and stuff like that (that's just tacky anyway wink ). If she brings it up, be vague and non committal. If she goes on the attack about it, nicely tell her that you will make your own choices and you expect her to respect that.

ll31 Sun 20-Jan-13 07:30:30

yanbu, am quite similar, dont like 2nd hand stuff...each to their own

ChristmasJubilee Sun 20-Jan-13 07:36:48

One of my greatest pleasures in life is being given a black bin bag of clothes for the ds's. I go through it, give anything I don't want to the charity shop and buy a few new items to create "outfits". I have, on many occasions, had comments on how well dressed my ds's are. I have also bought a black bin bag of clothes and would buy more if I could get the right sizes. I always buy in sales and rarely pay full price for anything.

However everyone to their own. Your money your choice. I don't think YABU.

HecateWhoopass Sun 20-Jan-13 07:36:51

indeed, ll31.

I, otoh, LOVE second hand stuff. Not just charity shops, but smelly old jumble sales and rifling through people's junk rooms blush

I would never interpret someone saying that they prefer to buy new as an attack on my love of rummaging grin

nonpractisingVirgin Sun 20-Jan-13 07:42:00

YANBU to leave the second hand stuff for those who want/need it and to keep the economy going. Also your Mil sounds like most people of that generation - obsessed with not wasting anything. However, the way you've worded your post is just a little bit condescending

foreverondiet Sun 20-Jan-13 07:43:48

I buy mostly new but I happily accept hand me down clothes and toys which I think is more green than buying new. I also sometimes buy stuff from eBay. But not out of financial need.I think you are being a little unreasonable and I don't know why you posted.


I do a mixture myself, a lot of DSs stuff we bought new as we're the first in our family and friends to have children. That said a friend of a friend with a baby passed on to me a huge sack of high end high street baby clothes which were hardly worn. I was thrilled!

When I'm done with my things I'll either sell them on at a local nearly new sale or politely ask if anyone I know would like them.

My mum was born just after the war and remembers rationing and very hard times. As a result she never threw anything out and was always after a bargain and got her judgy pants on at anyone to proud to go into charity shops. Each to their own!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 20-Jan-13 07:54:00

YANBU actually.

I do occasionally buy second hand things, such as me and OH have been to the carboot a few times and bought a few DVDs, a couple of in good condition toys for DS. No biggy.

I was horrified however when my dad came home with a second hand high chair that had all bits of food stick in all its crevices. It was minging and not to mention ripped where the reins are. He honestly shouldn't have bothered lol. And when me and OH bought DS a Cosatto pram brand new and he asked us how much it was, he couldn't quite grasp that we wanted to buy it new and was horrified at the price of it.

teacher123 Sun 20-Jan-13 07:54:23

I am a bit similar to you OP, I am not keen on second hand things unless I know well the person who gave them to me. The thought of buying baby stuff off eBay makes me uncomfortable, and I KNOW it's completely irrational. I've been given second hand clothes from a couple of friends which I am incredibly grateful for, and a jumperoo and various other bits and bobs which were a godsend. All DS's clothes he's outgrown are stored in the loft ready to pass on to my sister if she has a baby, or for us to keep for the next one.

BikeRunSki Sun 20-Jan-13 07:56:33

Have you ever been to a landfill site OP? I think everyone should have a school field trip to one, and a waste processing plant, to appreciate how much "stuff" there is in the world (certainly the industrialised first world). It might make people think a bit more about how much they need to buy new.

lougle Sun 20-Jan-13 08:01:42

you do see the irony that you take all your no longer required items to charity shops, when you feel it's beneath you to use other people's no longer required items?

I'm amazed that anyone could give two hoots where another person acquired goods from
Thank god I don't know anyone who would even think about it let alone cast judgement


bakingaddict Sun 20-Jan-13 08:20:05

What's the problem with buying new because you've got the money and that's what you are used to. I'll buy stuff at a car boot and off ebay but I have an irrational dislike of going into charity clothes.

I think it's the smell of slightly musty clothes that really puts me off but i'd never condemn anybody for going into one, so why condemn people who choose to buy in a high street store. It's just simply a lifestyle choice. If you bulk shop in the sales then i'm sure you can get new clothes for not much less than you'd pay at the charity shops anyway

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 20-Jan-13 08:58:25

Of course YANB unreasonable, I have wealthy relatives who never buy anything second-hand unless it is an antique.
I do, I like the money saving aspect, the environmental impact and the variety that is out there.
I live in a posh area with numerous charity shops and a population that seems to have a lot of people who like to upgrade their wardrobe frequently and their possessions generally. Suits me fine.
Your issue with your MIL is more that she's not listening to what you want for your lives and your children, so however lovely she's trying to be, I'd put in some rules and stick to them, including telling her that all second-hand stuff will be regifted to the charity shop. Then I'd smile and do it.

MrsDeVere Sun 20-Jan-13 09:04:06

'why the hate?'

I can answer that.
There isn't any.
Nobody really cares.

So you can relax now.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 20-Jan-13 09:07:31


peggyblackett Sun 20-Jan-13 09:10:58


However I love secondhand bargains. I scored a BN copy of Dear Zoo, a Mini Bodem dress for dd2 and a paperback for me all for £4.50 yesterday. What's not to love about that?

fourfingerkitkat Sun 20-Jan-13 09:15:27

Don't think you ABU in the slightest...especially since you said you are not struggling financially and this was for your first child. When we had our first I wanted everything new, having been made redundant and had another baby since then my priorities have changed (a little).

I'll happily accept clothes for both kids now if I know where they've came from. A neighbour's DD is about 6 months older than my DD and she likes labels so DD has received some lovely wee dresses and coats in recent months. However I am a bit uncomfortable buying the kids clothes from charity shops (though I'll happily donate stuff). Can't rationally explain it. Will buy books and other household items without much thought, but not their clothes (unless I can see a label on it and know it hasn't been worn). The irony is I would buy myself second hand clothing....

YANBU. I see you got a beating here. There is nothing wrong to want new stuff. That is how our modern economy is built. Consumerism. I don't like second hand. My cr is bran new when I got it. Some friends think I'm stupid to buy a brand new car because of depreciation, but I like the new car smell! I like buying my DD clothes new because it is easier. I buy her toys new because it is easier. I don't want to spend my weekend in charity shops and I have to drive to even get to one.

I try to be green by free cycling or ebaying all my old stuff.

Do whatever you like. You aren't hurting anyone by buying new.

Does anyone really care where anyone buys their things from?

I do love a good charity shop rummage, having volunteered in them after school from a young age I lost my 'eww' response with it.

I especially love the post sale department store clear outs. You can find amazing clothes for a few quid. But that's me.

Each to their own.

stargirl1701 Sun 20-Jan-13 09:24:26

It's Eco friendly. We bought everything second hand for our LO except the car seat.

greenpostit Sun 20-Jan-13 09:29:16

I feel a bit mixed about 2nd hand staff.

Eg I will happily accept a school jumper that a friend's child has just outgrown.

However, I saw a post on mn by a person who wanted to sell their buggy on eBay. Unfortunately it had been in her garage for a good while and had gone mouldy. Se was asking for tips to remove the mould so she could sell it. I would be very very unhappy about buying a buggy that had visible mould removed but possibly had spores remaining and that was going to go by my baby's face. And not knowing about it.

Anyway I think the real issue is being missed. It is fine to buy new or 2nd hand but the most ethical thing to do is to pass it to eBay/charity/friend when finished with it. The unethical thing is to have your garage and loft stuffed with mountains of stuff that someone else could have used, but actually it's busy going mouldy or musty and becoming useless and possibly even needing to be land filled!

You 2nd hand lovers need people like the op to buy new stuff so you can get it 2nd hand! Hope none of you are hoarding stuff seeing as you are lecturing the op.

pingu2209 Sun 20-Jan-13 09:32:37

My husband earns a great wage, I still buy second hand clothes, and quite often shoes. I very rarely buy anything new. I buy a lot of toys second hand too. I bought a fantastic snow suit for my daughter for 99p on ebay plus £3.50 postage - Bargain!

ArtexMonkey Sun 20-Jan-13 09:32:57

The sad face was a nice touch op. yes we all feel your pain. sad

BegoniaBampot Sun 20-Jan-13 09:37:17

but if someone hadn't bought it new once, then folk woudn't be able to feel all warm and fuzzy and eco friendly (smug).

nicelyneurotic Sun 20-Jan-13 09:37:59

YANBU. I dislike second-hand stuff too, unless I know where it has come from. I wouldn't have a problem with something from a friend but not keen on charity shop things. They always seem a bit grubby.

Love Marceline's honesty - can totally see where you're coming from.

CatsRule Sun 20-Jan-13 09:40:11

I think each to their own. I buy a bit of both but where ds's safety is concerned I insisted in researching a good brand bew car seat.

My mil wanted us to have one she found in a warehouse! Some things secondhand are absolutely fine, it's personal choice, but others like car seats, in my opinion, should be new if you can afford it.

I always said to my dh that I wasn't fussy about anything for ds except the car seat and mattress which had to be new and good quality.

I buy new and used from ebay...I love ebay!

It is a personal choice though and there was a time where I would never have bought second hand but if I look at what's in my own home, some of our clothes still have labels on them and have never been worn. There are lots of things like that on ebay and in charity shops...I like to get a bargain whether I have the money to buy new or not...it's usually not though grin

Eskarina Sun 20-Jan-13 09:43:50

I think YANBU especially for this:
"But this person had a baby last year, you could have theirs! I'm sure they wouldn't mind! Let me get you their number..."
This is really out of order -if people offer you their outgrown stuff fine, it's up to you to accept or decline as suits you (as long as you do it politely!) but to ASKfor it!! And worse for your mil to want to ask for things on your behalf.

I do buy a lot for dd second hand from nct sales or sometimes eBay. We could afford new but I like the green aspect of using pre-loved items. I do though look out for particular things, and have despaired at a couple of people trying to decant everything they hoard no longer use onto us and think they are doing us a favour (am looking at you grandma -not baby related stuff obv).

ILoveTIFFANY Sun 20-Jan-13 09:47:31

Why the typo in your name op?

McNewPants2013 Sun 20-Jan-13 09:50:37

Yanbu, if you have the money to buy new get it new.

PixieHot Sun 20-Jan-13 09:51:10

I don't think that YAB totally U. Competitive thrift does seem to be the order of the day at the moment.

We buy most things new because we feel that we can afford it (and we generally spend very carefully), and because we do not have a lot of spare time to look in charity shops etc. We're more than happy to accept second hand things from friends / family / neighbours though, and we have bought some nice things from eBay. We've also sold some things on eBay, and always have a charity bag on the go as well.

aderynlas Sun 20-Jan-13 09:51:10

Not sure I d be offering you anything other than brand spanking new things for your children op. Wouldnt want you explaining things too forcefully, not with grandfathers sword in the old house.

BalloonSlayer Sun 20-Jan-13 10:10:14

I tend to prefer new because

- I am the youngest of three girls and never wore anything but cast-offs when I was a child. My Mum used to buy identical dresses for my older sisters so they matched and I didn't. Then DSis1 would grow out of her dress which was passed on to DSis2, and I got DSis2's outgrown dress, so that DSis2 and I matched for a while. Then DSis2 would outgrow DSis1's old dress and I would out grow DSis2's old dress and so I would get DSis1's original dress. This whole process lasted frigging years. Add to this the fact that I was very very skinny and I even got hand me downs from my best friend's little sister as she was bigger than me. I practically never had anything new. I once, aged about 7, got a new snazzy pair of knickers from my Grandparents one Christmas and I was so thrilled I still have them! grin

- My Dad always bought things from boot fairs or charity shops. Clothes, glasses, spectacles, everything but underwear but I think that was more because that is not sold second hand rather than any standards on his part. He looked like Old Man Steptoe. Birthday presents, new baby presents, everything - from the boot sale, and it was all utter shite.

I know there are lots of perfectly good things that can be bought second hand. But unless I know where stuff has come from (and there is therefore that emotional connection to using something someone has passed on; bizarrely I like having cast off clothes for my DCs if they are from someone I know, I think it's lovely) I want to have stuff that I have chosen, that has only belonged to me.

And I know I am lucky to have that choice.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 20-Jan-13 11:40:16

I dont think its that uncommon, I dont buy second hand either. I like to buy new and DS likes to choose his own clothes and loves the new Next book arriving. I do try and order in batches to save on number of delivery vehicles.

If everybody bought second hand, the economy would suffer and there would be less choice for others to buy second hand. Some people get a thrill from charity shop bargains whilst others love a sake bargain or discount code.

My little sister hated having nothing new and constantly felt second best. When i got a job around college i gave her my first months wages to go and buy herself new clothes of her own taste.

I do pass DS's things on though and do recycle everything i can so am green in other areas.

elizaregina Sun 20-Jan-13 11:43:08

at the other end of the usuage do you pass your stuff onto charity shops and freecyle etc or car boot it?

I love it when someone doesnt care much and comes along at car boots selling fab quilaty stuf for very low prices!

Your the kind of seller i look out for!

ie ( not there to really make money back - just to off load)

JeezyOrangePips Sun 20-Jan-13 11:43:57

YANBU. I love that there are people like you, because otherwise there wouldn't be enough second hand stuff for people like me. I love a good rummage in a charity shop.

Anyway, people buying new is good for the economy which is not healthy just now. So tell your MIL you are just trying to do your bit for the country!

sydlexic Sun 20-Jan-13 11:52:56

I hate second hand things.

As a DC I only ever had one new coat. I felt like a second class citizen. All my clothes were from jumble sales.

I love buying exactly what I want from where ever I want.

My MIL was always trying to get me to have second hand things, she comes from a generation that had to be very careful with money.

If I am ever financially in the position I need to then I will, but given the choice I wont.

gotthemoononastick Sun 20-Jan-13 12:01:46

some cultures believe that there is always a residual essence left on the object by the previous owner.....Superstitious old thing here.(sorry,terrible grammar,English not 1st language)

countrykitten Sun 20-Jan-13 12:06:35

Hmmm. I think that you are being very rude to your MIL who may well be from a generation that had to scrimp and save much more than you clearly do - she is trying to do good things and you have had a go at her. Not good and not displaying any graciousness at all. This is a shame.

I am intrigued - is your house a new build? Are your cars always brand, spanking new? Do you understand about the limited resources we have on the planet?

I do not understand your aversion to second hand things at all - you are in a different mind set to me completely. We live in a 16th century house and cannot furnish it with 'new' things and trawl antiques markets for bits and pieces which suit the house - I actually love the fact that the house and the things in it have a past and a few stories to tell!

I buy second hand clothes too - not always though - and love second hand bookshops and will gratefully accept clothes/toys for the children from my SIL/DS. We don't need to do this - but why wouldn't you? I wonder if you are a little bit insecure maybe about people thinking that you are poor and not as rich as you seem to say you are?

RuleBritannia Sun 20-Jan-13 12:14:18

For years, I didn't buy new clothes because my XH was mean with money for that sort of thing. I was a SAHM so had no income of my own and had to put up with it. I did ask him once why he could have new clothes and I couldn't. His answer was, "Because I go to work." I've never forgotten that but became used to the 'second hand' life. Even my DCs had second hand clothes or I made them out of full skirted dresses from jumble sales. I've even got a photograph of them wearing pyjamas that I'd made out of a frock!

Several decades later a couple of friends took me in hand and marched me to the shops where I bought, yes, I bought some lovely things and now I do buy new clothes with the odd second hand designer garment thrown in.

I'm one of those who doesn't waste anything. For instance, the wrapping paper round a ream of A4 paper can be used inside out to wrap a parcel for posting.

newNN Sun 20-Jan-13 12:17:16

I don't see why the OP should have to be grateful to a mil who ignores her wishes and imposes her own pov on the OP. This wouldn't be an issue if the mil would just respect what the OP has said and not constantly try to override her wishes. As for mil offering other people's belongings, how rude is that? Second hand is fine if thats what you want but equally there is nothing wrong with buying new.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Sun 20-Jan-13 12:23:55

I can afford new but would always rather get a second hand bargain and spend the money saved on Legoland Q-Bots (for example) or the occasional taxi - something where I'll really see the benefit of the cash in terms of making my life easier. But if you choose different, and don't enjoy the thrill of the chase, then YANBU.

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare.

catgirl1976 Sun 20-Jan-13 12:26:37


You mean you had to buy your own furniture?

shock grin

PessaryPam Sun 20-Jan-13 12:30:26

I don't hate you OP. I like people like you who buy new and then donate to charity when they have finished with it. I like finding your cast off treasure in charity shops. More power to your elbow, as they say.

PessaryPam Sun 20-Jan-13 12:31:49

I think you MIL sounds sweet but she just doesn't comprehend your POV. Maybe you can redistribute the gifts to other friends who don't mind second hand? I wouldn't hurt her feelings.

Mosman Sun 20-Jan-13 12:32:28

My babies all had new too, even the third daughter had mostly her own clothes and nobody seemed to mind or comment.

I think it's a generational thing from when they had no choice but to mend and make do and all that.

pansyflimflam Sun 20-Jan-13 12:37:30

I am quite loaded and buy a huge amount of second hand. I think people oten worry what other people think about their status if they buy second hand... Two people I can think of right now have sod all money and will never have anything unless it is expensive and new, especially for their children. Daft as arses to have a problem with this sort of thing.

kim147 Sun 20-Jan-13 12:37:35

Won't you think of the planet!!!

It's really quite scary to think of all the resources we consume in the world. I'm sure future generations will be quite shocked - especially when we run out of oil. Do you know how many things we buy use oil?

insancerre Sun 20-Jan-13 12:43:12

I actually don't give a flying fuck about whether you do or don't want secondhand stuff.
Do you know how rich people stay rich? it's because they never spend any money on new stuff grin that's my theory anyway

HecateWhoopass Sun 20-Jan-13 12:43:22

genuine question - if everyone buys second hand stuff - where does the second hand stuff come from?

countrykitten Sun 20-Jan-13 13:00:22

Muppets like the ones that pansy describes!

I think there is a bit of a class issue here too - I work in an indie school with some very well to do pupils and many of them have second hand uniforms and holes in their socks and it is not a problem at all - no one bats an eyelid. Flash and new is not considered to be better and second hand is certainly not seen as shameful - rather it is seen as pragmatic and sensible. I have worked in much more working class schools and everything has to be new and not only that it has to be the best and most expensive. I think it's to do with insecurity and status maybe.

Curious to know OP, if you got given a gift from a friend would your dislike of owning second hand stuff mean you'd ask them whether it was second hand? And if they said yes would you get rid of it?

Startail Sun 20-Jan-13 13:04:41

The OP is a bit judgy, but I think I get where she's coming from.

I don't look for second hand stuff to buy as I don't need to save money to that extent.

That certainly doesn't mean that both DDs haven't had lots of second hand clothes and lovely cribs lent to me by a DF. Returned and used by two more DCs.

Lots of small baby stuff is out grown long before it's worn out. Regardless of income not reusing it is just daft.

DDs have given a huge box of duplo to their god mothers DS. It's doesn't wear out.

Sometimes, second hand is amazingly useful. The DDs have a huge stack of secondhand happy street track, that was bought on EBay.

ELC stopped doing track and, being older they didn't want buildings they just wanted to do complex streets.

Very many people do the same to extend the life of brio. Lots of track means older DC will build layouts for years.

Crap DS games that are finished in two days may as well be second hand toogrin

Fakebook Sun 20-Jan-13 13:05:37

I have inherited some very old things, and have been given some very old things in the past. Swords, coins, old documents, etc

Swords? Swords? Swords?

specialsubject Sun 20-Jan-13 13:07:33

up to you if you have the money, and have enough spare money that when you or DP lose your job (because everyone does at some point) there won't be a panic.

I find it incredible that new buggies cost hundreds of pounds, but it is really hard to sell second hand ones for a fraction of the cost. I've seen rows of them lined up in shops for about £30 each.

your money, you decide. I think second hand is more fun!

thegreylady Sun 20-Jan-13 13:11:49

I understand though I have bought from charity shops for myself I wouldn't buy soft toys or baby clothes. I do have lots of plastic/wooden cs toys at my house for dgc and I enjoy a good rummage. If I was broke I wouldn't hesitate.

SoldeInvierno Sun 20-Jan-13 13:26:54

I fully understand, as I am nearly the same. I have never bought anything from a charity shop, although I do donate a lot to them. My cars have always been brand new, but the house was "second-hand", as I couldn't afford a newly built one. So, given the choice, I would never buy second hand.

As for antiques, I can't stand them. For me they are just old things.

kim147 Sun 20-Jan-13 13:29:00

Buy plenty of things second hand. Can't see the point paying £20 for a game when it costs £3 in a charity shop.

threesypeesy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:31:03

were the same i would never buy or wear or use second hand anything.

i would and have been offended when we were given 2nd hand baby clothes for dd3 they went straight in bin as we bought everything for each dd new

i see why some need to buy second hand but have no idea why those who can afford not to still do?

Pandemoniaa Sun 20-Jan-13 13:37:10

I actually said I understood some people don't have a choice but to buy second hand...

I've never needed to buy second hand but I like a bargain and can't see the point of paying full price when there's an excellent alternative at a fraction of the price. When the dcs were small, my friends and I would regularly pass good quality but outgrown clothes on since it seemed such a waste not to. It also makes sense to take advantage of other people's rampant materialism.

Having said that, I'm very fussy about what I buy and wouldn't be tempted by anything that's clearly fit for a skip. So there are things I wouldn't buy second hand and I've never been tempted to fill the house with boot fair crap just because it is cheap.

lljkk Sun 20-Jan-13 13:44:01

I love 2nd hand stuff, tickles my desire to do the green and frugal thing.

Do folk who don't like 2nd hand clothes also shun... 2nd hand cars? 2nd hand houses? Offices, office equipment? What about having a boyfriend who isn't a virgin? Could you bear to borrow a pencil or must you buy that new for your exclusive use, too?

What about money: can't get more germ-laden and well-used-by-other-people than money. How do you stand handling that?

"i see why some need to buy second hand but have no idea why those who can afford not to still do?"

Because you can often find things second hand that you'd be unlikely to find new. (I've found some beautiful 1950s dresses in charity shops)
Because paying full price for baby clothes when they are barely going to be in them for 3 months seems excessive.
Because I like giving my money to charity shops rather than corporations.

"i would and have been offended when we were given 2nd hand baby clothes for dd3"

Why offended?

MrsKeithRichards Sun 20-Jan-13 13:46:27

To me it's more a green, reusing, saving from landfill type of thing and being a bit tight.

Car seats, pram, cot all new for ds1 but loads of second hand clothes.

Do what you do, meh.

MrsKeithRichards Sun 20-Jan-13 13:49:19

What I mean is I could afford to dress my baby in brand new clothes but when I can get a black bag full for £20 second hand that'll see him through 6m why would I spend any more?

Frugality, cheapness, tightness, green -
call it what you may.

Dh will not wear 2nd hand. I wear almost nothing but!

amillionyears Sun 20-Jan-13 13:52:30

Am I right in thinking the second hand issue is really an ew issue.
But in which case, what about your own familiy's clothes.
What would happen for example, if someone was sick.
Would you throw the clothes away?

bishboschone Sun 20-Jan-13 13:53:06

To be honest you sound snobby . I had a privileged childhood and dh has a great job now but I love a bargain and happily buy second hand or take hand me downs from people. I have friends who were very poor when children who aren't well off now that won't have second hand . I think they are fools but each to their own .

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:54:03

up to you,not compelled to buy 2nd hand.nor do you needy justify why you don't
your mil maybe another generation,maybe she scrimped and values money
it's great you're solvent,i hope it continues.mn can get competiteve over who most frugal

threesypeesy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:55:20

offended as i wouldnt have had another child if i couldnt have afforded to kit them out and i wouldnyt like the thought of my new wee baby in another childs used clothes but thats just me clothes and furniture and household good i buy new

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 20-Jan-13 13:55:24

I will buy second hand clothes e.g. charity shops, but never vintage. Vintage has a weird smell and makes me think of dead people!

Your OP comes across like a stealth boast though. As if you're turning your nose up. Also, unless you literally have unlimited money, it's a bit odd not to want to save money by getting second hand/free things in cases where you wouldn't know the difference. You could always use the money you saved to buy more diamonds or a pet unicorn or something hmm

amillionyears Sun 20-Jan-13 13:55:25

Just noticed though, that you dont do second hand electricals for example. No sick on them I presume!

So is it a germs issue?
But we can all have germs.

If all this sort of stuff became a problem for you, we could break it down into finding the actual problem, but you seem quite at ease with it all,so I am not sure there is a need for that.

"i wouldnyt like the thought of my new wee baby in another childs used clothes"

You can wash them you know wink

Actually on the subject of wearing clothes that (shock, horror) others have worn, after working in a few clothes shops I wouldn't count on new clothes being free from others bodily fluids. <boak>

MrsKeithRichards Sun 20-Jan-13 13:59:58

I'm itching to go charity shop raking now but they are all shut!

threesypeesy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:08:56

i know it can be washed, its just not for me never stepped foot in a charity shop as a child or adult, even clothes and toys etc cleaned id think where have they been!

each to there own some people get some great finds

WorraLiberty Sun 20-Jan-13 14:15:25

Congratulations on the most attention seeking thread title ever

As for the rest of the drivel, I lost the will to live after the first paragraph...

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:22:17

no idea why you're getting a pasting,compared to the braggy stuff some do post
real stealth bragging is the competitive oh we eke out existence on 75p a week
dress baby in artisan hemp 2nd hand clothing and shop in haze of smuggery

ILoveTIFFANY Sun 20-Jan-13 14:23:11

Worra grin

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:30:39

some crucial mn mistakes op. 1.you're solvent and not apologizing for it
2. new to mn=folk will rip the piss as you're oblivious to mn where all are fair trade,2nd and,living on tuppence
3.should have posted about were can you get naice ham and waitrose,that'll flush out the affluents

We can afford new for most things (we would probably struggle to easily afford new cars) but I have bought a lot second hand for DD, mostly from ebay. I do this because:

- you get a better choice of clothes than in the shops as they are from a range of seasons
- I have a bit of a shopping habit for DD's clothes and can afford 3x the number of dresses or better brands by buying secondhand. I don't bother with basic tops and tights as the postage wipes out the saving.
- they get delivered to the door

SanityClause Sun 20-Jan-13 14:41:18

Some of the parents at my DC's schools are really quite wealthy. Even they are often seen rummaging through the clothes at the second hand sales. Why would you not?

DH's uncle is very wealthy. His aunt (now deceased sad ) used to buy clothes at charity shops, and used to pop into supermarkets on Xmas Eve for the last minute deals etc. DH's uncle once said to us, I'm well off because I made a lot of money, and my wife didn't spend it!

cerealqueen Sun 20-Jan-13 14:44:28

All I can say is never say never.

How will your cope if a DC2 comes along and is in / using secondhand stuff?


Mosman Sun 20-Jan-13 14:50:48

The rich stay rich because they don't pay fucking tax and make sure they inherit nothing to do with recycling a cot Henry the eighth slept in complete with piss stains.

LesBOFerables Sun 20-Jan-13 14:52:09

Why is anybody supposed to give a shit?

senua Sun 20-Jan-13 14:55:03

I find the attitude of "it must be brand new" a little puzzling. Once you have bought something, spilled your dinner down it, the other people have sneezed in your vicinity, the baby's been sick on it, someone has hugged you, you've sat in the GP's waiting room, etc, etc, etc then what's the difference between that and someone else's, thoroughly washed second hand?
Or do you live your life in a hermetically sealed bubble?

Fakebook Sun 20-Jan-13 15:07:37

But swords?

Fakebook Sun 20-Jan-13 15:08:54

Are you King Arthur's ascendant?

Fakebook Sun 20-Jan-13 15:11:19

Descendant even. Duh.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 20-Jan-13 15:14:24

I find it rather telling that you don't do second hand unless its an item of high value.

mercibucket Sun 20-Jan-13 15:19:53

Sounds more of a dil-mil problem to me. Why is your mil volunteering other people's stuff for you? For all you know, she's pressurising them to hand over stuff they wanted to keep/give to charity with a sob story about you. That would really make me cross.
Is your mil a war baby? They often seem quite irrationally obsessed with the whole make do and mend and get personally affronted if you refuse - or maybe that's just my family lol

PaellaUmbrella Sun 20-Jan-13 15:35:33

YANBU to not want to buy second hand, that's up to you.

I don't think your attitude towards your MIL is very nice though. I suspect she did not have the affluent upbringing that you are bragging about are fortunate enough to enjoy, and when you've been through lean times, it's quite difficult to get rid of that mindset. Sounds like she's just trying to be helpful.

hopeful92 Sun 20-Jan-13 15:41:39

Erm what was the point in this post?

You might as well have said "Hello I am new to mumsnet. I am rich and I am a pompous twat who doesn't need to buy 2nd hand so I just thought I would let you all know that I can afford to live the life of luxury whilst you all scrimp and save."


Branleuse Sun 20-Jan-13 15:53:25

i see it as a bit of a waste of money and resources to buy brand new if you can get the same thing second hand. Id think you were very strange

senua Sun 20-Jan-13 15:53:46

No hopeful. What OP actually said was "Hello I am new to mumsnet. I am rich and I am a pompous twat who doesn't need to buy 2nd hand so I just thought I would let you all know that I don't want your castoffs because you, all of you, are germy and minging."

LittleBearPad Sun 20-Jan-13 16:17:45

I don't think YABU OP. I tend to buy new clothes and electricals. In part this is down to laziness plus it's handy having the longer warranties. I do check prices though in advance and buy from the cheapest taking delivery costs, warranties into consideration.

I will buy second hand books/DVDs if I see them but won't go out of my way to find them. Equally I'd be happy to accept clothes from my SIL that her daughter has grown out of for my DD. I am aware that I am lucky that I can afford to do so.

I hate the phrase 'preloved' though. What's wrong with saying second hand and Scottish Mummy grin

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 16:23:12

really the biggest laugh is folk knocking selves out discuss how thrifty they are
how very right on mooncuptastic. of course none of you bought any new or branded stuff
only the avaricious op,how dare she spend her own money how she wishes.show off

countrykitten Sun 20-Jan-13 16:24:50

I did not say that the OP should be grateful to her MIL, I said that she should not be ungracious towards her. The OP has said that she spoke to her 'quite forcefully' and I think that is rather ungracious when someone is trying to offer help. It is probably a generational thing and she is possibly shocked at our consumerist, tat driven, throwaway society if she is anything like my parents. A little understanding would go a long way here.

Also, OP, the tone of your post is a bit sick making:

'I don't NEED to save that extra few hundred pounds' - all a bit tacky isn't it?

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 16:29:19

not tacky in least if it's a statement of fact.no one needs to get all competitively thrifty
this is just people competing to be right on.and if course you all scrabble about for 2nd hand
never mind all the mn pram Hun I have 9bugaboo each wiv matching snuggle set

countrykitten Sun 20-Jan-13 16:32:35

I personally saying that 'I don't need to save money' would have been far less tacky. Just my opinion.

countrykitten Sun 20-Jan-13 16:33:07

'think that' missing from that post! Apologies.

newNN Sun 20-Jan-13 16:33:58

Sometimes being ungracious is the only way to get somebody to actually pay attention to what you have previously said in a far nicer manner.

This thread isn't really about the merits of new versus second hand (everyone is going to have their own opinion on that) - it's more about having your clearly expressed wishes for what you want wrt your own child, utterly ignored by someone who thinks they know better!

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 16:35:22

If she fortunate enough to not ave to worry about money good for her
I'm v good with money,but no 2nd hand isn't my immediate go to option
I do however price compare,shop about.and yes did buy lots new when they were babies

Back2Two Sun 20-Jan-13 16:49:49

Nah. It's not that simple as just mumsnetters being all "competitively thrifty" and getting off on it.

I don't really see the point of the thread, but if the OP does want some educating as to the reasons why people DO buy second hand or borrow and lend and swap EVEN though they have lotsa money,she'd do well to read her own thread.

I can't stand waste, and pointless consumerism. What's the f**cking point of buying NEW all the time. Second hand plastic is just as good as brand new. Think of the bloody landfill every time you trot out your cash card for new stuff. What is the point of always buying new clothes?

Too much about the OP goes against my grain for me to be bothered to write it concisely. But....things like ethics, values and morals come to my mind.

Yes, I buy lots of nice things and new things and I'm privileged that I can. But, I buy mostly second hand clothes, toys, cars, furniture ....books, puzzles, games I'm lucky that I can do that too. And I pass on second hand, second hand clothes too. I'm still contributing to a healthy economy.

I hope to teach my kids some of that appreciation of "stuff" and ethics, morals and values. So sue me for being middle class and still giving a s**t.

countrykitten Sun 20-Jan-13 16:51:00

It was the way it was phrased that I find a little 'off' that's all as I have already explained.

pansyflimflam Sun 20-Jan-13 16:55:46

OP you just sound a bit vulgar to be honest. Boastful and vulgar.

I don't need to buy stuff in charity shops either. But I do, because I can buy so many things for the price of 1 item in a new shop. I've always bought cars second-hand, as you lose several thousand pounds as soon as you drive off the forecourt - why WOULD anyone want to do that? Beats me. I don't understand people who have an issue with second-hand stuff, tbh I think it's ridiculous. Do you always buy a brand new house OP?

For the last 30 years, from being the youngest of five children, to my mother being widowed and left to provide for us, to being a penniless student, to building up my own business, never have I been able to have new stuff. EVERY single bit of furniture in my front room has come from neighbours, skips, the dump ebay or charity shops.

Fuck make do and mend. I want a wardrobe that fits the space intended so I can actually get in the room, jumpers without weird bobbles on them and pans that are actually the right size for what I want to cook. And now I can actually afford to I've decided I'm going to buy exactly what I need.

So OP you are definitely NBU! And to those rich buggers who buy new and donate the decent stuff to the charity shop, thank you!

For the last 30 years, from being the youngest of five children, to my mother being widowed and left to provide for us, to being a penniless student, to building up my own business, never have I been able to have new stuff. EVERY single bit of furniture in my front room has come from neighbours, skips, the dump ebay or charity shops.

Fuck make do and mend. I want a wardrobe that fits the space intended so I can actually get in the room, jumpers without weird bobbles on them and pans that are actually the right size for what I want to cook. And now I can actually afford to I've decided I'm going to buy exactly what I need.

So OP you are definitely NBU! And to those rich buggers who buy new and donate the decent stuff to the charity shop, thank you!

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 17:04:10

Op factually said,she didn't need to watch the pennies as reason she doesn't shop 2nd hand
now that's been regurgitated as she's boasty,and vulgar to suit how people want to post
her mil is banging on,imposing her values and op got frustrated.understandably

BarbJohnson5 Sun 20-Jan-13 17:12:38

I think its a personal choice. I buy some things second hand, but they will most likely be rare, vintage one offs or high end designer things. I bought both secondhand and brand new when i was expecting my last child. At that time i was in a position to buy brand new, but i'm now on a low income so i'm careful with my money. For myself, fortunately when my life was good and i wasn't a single parent(although i was.....married but single) we could afford to buy really expensive things. I'm fortunate that i still have the wardrobe that i had 5 years ago and as they're classic pieces, i don't need to buy new clothes, but for the children i do, so i save or i go the 2nd hand route. Its nothing to be ashamed of. 2nd hand can yield some fantastic pieces, if you know what you're looking for or where to find it!

aquashiv Sun 20-Jan-13 17:19:29

Good for you am not sure why you are so bothered its your choice. I love a bargain and hate to feel fleaced.

I do tend to think FOOL when someone reports how much they have paid for something brand new.

aderynlas Sun 20-Jan-13 17:20:41

Maybe mil is trying to be helpful and worried that her son and dil are spending lots of money, who knows. My gran lived through hard times and remained frugal and concerned about money all her life. The ops mil is visiting and bringing the children presents. So she doesnt have old swords and a land rover, the op is lucky her dh isnt saying not more ruddy maps from your dear grandfather.

Back2Two Sun 20-Jan-13 17:27:12

Yes, we understand OPs reason for justifying her values. We understand because loads of people here also don't need to watch the pennies but still have some ethics and values about pointless consumerism in the first world, waste and the reasoning behind re-using,re-cycling and re-selling.

So, to some of us it IS vulgar to sound so ignorant and boastful about dismissing perfectly functional clothes,electrical items etc because you just want exactly the same as you're being offered BUT it has to be new for you. So you can chuck another baby monitor on the scrap heap at the end of it's life.....

Seriously, we don't need to kid ourselves that we NEED people to make the ultimate sacrifice and spend all their cash on new things for themselves so that there is stuff in the charity shops. Ha ha ha. What a load of bollocks.

countrykitten Sun 20-Jan-13 17:32:19

Swords...I'm with fakebook and aderynlas on this one...wtf?

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 17:33:48

bollocks is deriding people for spending their own money on new rather than 2nd hand
buying new is a choice one makes on finances.,and yes in most cases I want new
my baby monitor,it's not in landfill, it and the rest of baby stuff went to my hv

Ragwort Sun 20-Jan-13 17:35:41

Agree with aquashiv (and 100s more posters grin) I just don't understand why people are so sniffy about second hand stuff. My DS & DBIL are continually moaning about how 'hard up' they are, but they would never, ever dream of buying clothes from ebay/charity shop or jumble sale. Their home is a shrine to consumerism. My DS actually commented that she had 'no idea' how I could be a SAHM when she and her DH had to go out to work (nb: I know their income is far higher than ours - they are complaining about losing CB - we won't) - but if they just stopped buying everythiing brand new they could save a fortune.

The only benefit is that they do occasionally 'hand down' stuff to my DC grin.

Back2Two Sun 20-Jan-13 17:37:18

Yes, as would your second, third or fourth hand one have done SM. You didn't need to buy new to pass it on.

SM I think what's bothered people isn't the OP not wanting to buy second hand, its the seeming horror of being given it by others.

Though the OP actually seems pretty reasonable about it.

Unlike some of the other posters on here who are being decidedly odd about not only being given second hand things (being offended?! really?!) but about others liking buying second hand. That is bizarre.

frenchbaguette Sun 20-Jan-13 17:43:14

YABU. I was like dreamofwhitehorses when I got my first home as a single parent, filled it up with furniture from secondhand shops and donations from friends/family, plus I had lots of donated baby items and clothes. They were fine, but they were never just right for the space or function or what I'd have picked out. I used to try to 'do them up' by adding a stain/varnish and it always looked a bit amateur and wrong. And any secondhand electric stuff had a short life as it would already have been out of warranty and towards the end of its life by the time it got to me.

I'm moving into a new home with my new partner and it's utterly lovely to be able to browse furniture catalogues and websites, draw little diagrams of our rooms and work out what is going to fit, instead of fitting what we happen to find or get given.

Finances aren't an issue at all now (but space is) and it's a luxury that I really appreciate - though tbh with online shopping we've been able to find some real bargains, and with the convenience of free delivery instead of doing ebay pickups. Electricals I can rely on, furniture without dents or bits missing, clothes without bobbles or missing accessories. My mum is really thrifty though and keeps trying to give me bits of her old furniture (she is downsizing) but it would fit really awkwardly in our home.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 17:45:30

I buy new because I want to,because I can.whether or not I can recycle
ability to recycle item doesn't influence that inital decision to buy.
spending generates revenue,maintains manufacture and fuels demand

amillionyears Sun 20-Jan-13 17:47:21

Oh dear. The op has not come back. Though of course she could just have things to do.

If she has decided not to post on here again, I think she may have learnt that it may be better for her to see how MN sort of works first.
And a name change means you can start again if you want to.

Back2Two Sun 20-Jan-13 17:47:31

Well, let's hope you buy exclusively Scottish or English then folks.

makemineamalibuandpineapple Sun 20-Jan-13 17:48:36

I'm with you OP. I don't look down on people who choose to buy second hand things but I choose not to. I would rather have 1-2 new items of clothing than 10 second hand things. I work hard for my money, it's how I choose to spend it and I won't be made to feel embarrassed about it.

Back2Two Sun 20-Jan-13 17:48:55

If this is your aim : spending generates revenue,maintains manufacture

How it generates demand I'm not sure

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 17:51:56

I buy what I want,at price I'm willing to pay,the country of origin is immaterial
as do most of us in fact. iPad is the item wanted at price I can afford.I bought it
spending drives economy, creates demands,maintains retail and jobs. hmv and blockbuster folded with inadequate spending as contributory reason

stormforce10 Sun 20-Jan-13 17:52:26

YANBU to want all new stuff its a matter of personal choice.

Speaking personally its not a choice I'd make especially for children's clothes. DS is currently wearing all second hand stuff except for his socks and obviously his nappy (disposable). It looks like new and will be passed on again when he's finished with it. I see no point on wasting money and resources on clothes he'll be grown out of in 2-3 months time if not sooner

It was my new years resolution not to buy anything new if i could get it 2nd hand.

I am doing it from a resources perspective. have you seen how much plastic crap ends up in landfill?

You sound very lucky and i hope your income never changes. God forbid you have to buy a perfectly good used toy with all its parts yet minus the extra packaging.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 17:54:07

retailer preorders popular item eg bugaboo, iPad.these future orders are demand which=profit
if there no demand for item it doesn't sell,no profit,no repeat order

usualsuspect Sun 20-Jan-13 17:54:44

If I could afford it,I would always buy new.But I'm skint so I can't.

Back2Two Sun 20-Jan-13 17:56:58

Re: hmv and blockbuster folding....um. You can't download or stream plastic goods, clothes, furniture, electrical items. Contributory factor I think.

LouiseFisher Sun 20-Jan-13 17:57:00

I think its a personal choice. I prefer to buy new products too however, some things i don't mind second-hand like a phone/car and maybe the odd handbag! smile

You can get some really good bargains on the second hand market, once cleaned, its almost new~!

TheSecondComing Sun 20-Jan-13 17:57:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sun 20-Jan-13 17:57:21

You do realize that the moment you buy anything knew the value diminishes hugely?

Think furniture. Always better to buy at auction if you can as you'll sell again at what you paid for it.
Toys - massive mark ups
Clothes - ditto

You're not betraying excellent economics IMO.

But then, it's not my money you're throwing away. grin

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:00:56

what point are you struggling to make back2.lack of profit,lack demand=companies fold
spending and demand and growth drives an economy
if others chose not to buy new thats their legitimate consumer choice. I predominately buy new,some 2nd hand

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 20-Jan-13 18:02:42

Let's hope you arent ever in the situation where you have to buy second hand. You won't be able to afford to be so precious.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:04:12

auctions?I buy online because I want warranty,it suits,and on my days of it's easy
I dont have to go to auctions to purchase what I need,it's online.mere tap away
agree though regards motor vehicle, they deprecate upon leaving forecourt

amillionyears Sun 20-Jan-13 18:05:46

I dont think her issue has got anything to do with money at all.
She also does shop around she says.

The op hasnt been back since the middle of the night. Not sure if she works say on shifts, or if she is posting from maybe another country.

I am thinking, that now MN seems bigger, that threads like this, for a newcomer, must seem ,or can seem quite intimidating. Not sure that there is an answer to that though.

Back2Two Sun 20-Jan-13 18:07:34

Oh, you're struggling to understand SM?

Sorry, you can stream and download music and films now? On your new iPad. That's why high street stores selling plastic CDs and renting movies have struggled to survive in the present economic state and technological era.

Not just cos people don't enough brand sparkly NEW music and films

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:07:38

choosing how I spend my disposable income is not precious. there's a myriad if choice
I mix purchase new and secondhand,depending on availability,price,and what it is
I don't polish my Halo just because I've shopped 2nd hand

kim147 Sun 20-Jan-13 18:07:54

I have to say that it's great people buy new things - especially when new technology comes out. It means that later on, some of us can get second hand bargains that work perfectly fine.

"hmv and blockbuster folded with inadequate spending as contributory reason"

You can't blame people buying second hand for that seeing as both companies sold second hand stock.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sun 20-Jan-13 18:11:22

If nobody bought anything new, there'd be nothing decent left for the charity shops. Economy would be even worse....the charity martyrdom on here would be eve more intense, maaaan.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:12:32

I don't seek to blame or dictate whether one buys new,or 2nd hand.up to. them

Just seemed a bit odd to talk about the advantages to buying new, talking about it helping the economy, then talking about 2 companies collapsing due to lack of spending when those 2 companies got a portion of their stock/profit from second hand goods. They weren't the best examples to use unfortunately.

Should also point out I buy used and new. Because I like both and there are advantages to both.

I don't think anyone can claim to be superior by buying only one or the other.

But I still maintain that it's odd to be offended/disgusted by people buying second hand.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:22:44

not odd in the least
spending drives demand, demand maintains profit. buying newusntome dirty act of avarice like some allude to

kim147 Sun 20-Jan-13 18:26:12

Still say this planet is doomed with all this focus on consuming limited resources. Like I said before - look at how much of the goods we use are oil based. That's a limited resource.

We're are consuming this planet and taking the resources. The world is growing and people are demanding more and more goods.

Don't know what the answer is but just food for thought.

"spending drives demand"

Yes, but in those particular stores cases, that spending could just as easily be on second hand. Spending on new isn't any more advantageous than buying second hand. As far as I was aware Blockbusters didn't even stock anything new to sell. Their "new" was to rent (arguably little difference when it comes to renting), whereas they only sold second hand.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:32:45

are you still stuck on blockbuster,hmv?in all sector demand is necessary it=profit.
lack of demand in any sector leads to downturn,potential loss profit,jobs loss cm are demand driven,self employed for profit reliant on local demand to continue

I agree that there is a certain sort of unthinking consumerism that is very unnerving. If I see some shiny new thing tempting me I imagine it out of it's packaging and sitting dusty on a charity shop shelf. If you wouldn't buy it then you probably actually don't want it.

I agree that there is a certain sort of unthinking consumerism that is very unnerving. If I see some shiny new thing tempting me I imagine it out of it's packaging and sitting dusty on a charity shop shelf. If you wouldn't buy it then you probably actually don't want it.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:41:12

good for you,what a comfort
funnily enough see item I want and imagine it at home,with me
no where near oxfam,not dusty in the least

Mother2many Sun 20-Jan-13 18:43:41

If I was in your MIL shoes, I would be hurt. If I COULDN'T personally afford to buy my grandchild NEW stuff all the time because dear mommy doesn't like used... I would be hurt.

In fact went through this... I bought my grandson a used stroller,in excellent condition, and well, it wasn't NEW so, it was never used.... I was afraid to give my grandson anything because of how the mom would make me feel, Not appreciate what I have given her.

It's great you have the money to do as you wish.... It's people like me that buy those things and cherish them when they are slightly worn, or no longer fit your lifestyle.

This all makes me wonder about your MIL.... I sure know how she feels! It took a few years but my DIL has come around. She doesn't turn her nose up at things that are used.... Or heaven forbit a special hand me down for my own children!!! I was soo pleased when I see her put on a wintercoat, both my boys used as children. Her partner used it as a security blanket, then on his teddy bears, and now his son. She made my day to love my love, and the memories I shared with it.

I often buy things USED, and redo them, restyle them and put my own creative mind and love into it... I wonder if I was your MIL and I gave you something that was "USED"...whether you wouldn't appreciate it at all....

sm I only carried on talking about blockbusters/HMV because you responded to my post where I talked about blockbusters/HMV. If you don't want to talk about blockbusters/HMV then don't carry on the conversation about them! I thought it was polite not to suddenly change the subject!

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:49:53

passing on sentimental items,is lovely.not 2nd hand as such more treasured and significant

countrykitten Sun 20-Jan-13 18:50:53

mother2many I completely agree. The OP has no concern for her MIL at all beyond the fact that she is irritating because she does not turn up with new stuff all the time and sees the value in second hand. As I have said - ungracious.

dreamofwhitehorses - this is a brilliant idea and a great test when I see something that catches my eye. I def plan to give this a go!

exoticfruits Sun 20-Jan-13 19:03:34

YABU -a baby doesn't care what it has so it is one time that you can get away with all second hand-items are generally nearly new anyway-and save money for when you really need it. I can't see the point of throwing money away.

Mother2many Sun 20-Jan-13 19:14:14

dreamofwhitehorses: love your thoughts on that too, however, if OP has never been in a 2nd store or even thought of reusing, recyling items, she won't understand at all... To some, buy what you want, and then decide later what will happen to it...

LittleBearPad Sun 20-Jan-13 19:23:09

mother2many did you ask if a stroller was needed or what kind of stroller was wanted before giving it to your DIL? If yes then you are right that it was a shame it wasn't used but if you didn't ask then maybe your DIL wanted a different type etc.

LittleBearPad Sun 20-Jan-13 19:25:03

Or didn't need a stroller at all

TandB Sun 20-Jan-13 19:36:27

Do what you like. No-one will care whether your things are new or secondhand, as long as you don't go around saying "eeeew, I can't believe you buy other people's horrible used stuff" or "get you with your fancy new stuff - too good for the charity shop, are you?"

We are comfortable financially, but we are choosing to put a lot of our income into the house - mortgage and gradually doing it up. So we don't have money to burn. We buy some new and some secondhand things. The furniture is a mixture of new and old - I bought some good, solid but outdated stuff from the British Heart Foundation shop and sanded and painted it - I now have lovely furniture, the exact colour I want it, with pretty handles and locks, for hardly any money.

I buy a mix of new and secondhand clothes for myself - lots of White Stuff things off ebay for example, and almost all the DSs' clothes are secondhand - you can get absolutely beautiful things at NCT sales and on ebay, for a fraction of what they would cost new, and most of them have barely been worn.

I don't see the point of spending vast amounts for the sake of it. Small children go through clothes fast, so it makes sense to spend as little as possible on them. There's always something to spend money on - very few people are so spectacularly wealthy that they literally never think about the price of anything. Anything that you can save on stuff that doesn't need to be brand new and perfect is money that you can spend elsewhere.

I reckon I've saved hundreds and hundreds of pounds using NCT sales - money that we can use elsewhere on things that benefit all of us more than a brand new 12-18 month t-shirt that will be outgrown in a couple of months.

But it's entirely up to you - if you want to buy new, then buy new. But no need to make it into some major lifestyle choice and feel like some sort of persecuted minority! But you might want to think about how you make your MIL feel by rejecting gifts because they are second-hand. Fair enough to say you don't need her to source things for you from her friends, and that you want to buy new, but it's a bit much, in my opinion, to tell her that a gift isn't acceptable because it's second-hand. Why not just take it, say thank you and put it to one side if you really can't bear to use it?

TandB Sun 20-Jan-13 19:41:52

There's also the fact that, no matter how well-off you are, some things are just so extortionately expensive for what they are that it is incredibly difficult to justify the spend.

I love Jojomamanbebe's baby leggings for example - hardly anywhere does leggings and they are all cute and stripy and soft. But they are insanely expensive. I got a pair as a gift when DS1 was tiny, and then I found some at an NCT sale for £3 for 3 pairs and another couple of pairs on ebay for about £5. I loved them, but I wouldn't have spent £30 on them because it just seemed such a disproportionate amount of money.

Glossynotflossy Sun 20-Jan-13 19:42:19

I like new stuff but i grew up with second hand stuff like jumpers and brownie uniforms and see nothing wrong with both.

I am quite jealous of people who can put things together from charity shops and love ome of my charity shop buys.

Glossynotflossy Sun 20-Jan-13 19:45:32

Its also very green to buy second hand and would prefer to spend three quid on somethinh from a charity shop than say primark

gail734 Sun 20-Jan-13 19:47:45

It's very personal - I've never found second hand disgusting, but I have a close friend who, when she heard that my jacket was "vintage", looked like she was about to hurl! (After I'd explained what "vintage" actually meant, lol!) I recently surpassed myself by buying a second hand bed off Gumtree, but I had to pretend to my husband that it was new. The fact that he believed me shows how new it appears. I'm not skint, but I love a bargain. However, I draw the line at my baby. Beautiful new baby = beautiful new stuff. The amount of bobbly old clothes, stinky old bouncy chairs and other old shite that people gave me as my pregnancy progressed was quite amazing! I thanked the donors and then literally went straight to the charity shop, or on one occasion, the dump. OP, your MIL sounds like a pain, but maybe she grew up very poor?

MrsOakenshield Sun 20-Jan-13 19:55:51

haven't read the whole thing but tbh, OP, you just sound like a snob - secondhand is fine as long as it means an period house, or an antique, or inherited, but not otherwise. But at least you haven't referred to secondhand stuff as vintage so I'll let you off.

bevelino Sun 20-Jan-13 20:33:06

OP you are fortunate not to have to buy any items second hand and good luck to you. However you know full well that a lot of people buy/or are given second hand items and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. If you are given second hand items but don't want them take to them to a charity shop rather than complain.

Aspiemum2 Sun 20-Jan-13 20:34:14

I'm a bargain lover, I'm not going to fork out full whack if I don't have to regardless of if I can afford it or not. I shop in sales, on eBay or gumtree. I use vouchers, codes and coupons.
I'll save up rather than lose money on interest payments.

I struggle to see the point in spending hundreds unnecessarily. Eg when pg with the twins I spent £80 on 2 second hand cot beds that retail at nearer £300 each new. I bought the mattresses brand new as a safety issue but still saved myself hundreds. And yes they wear hand me downs, why on earth not?

My sofas were free from someone who replaces hers more often that I replace my toilet roll!

I prefer sturdy furniture from charity barns over mdf crap from b&q.

I don't judge people who buy new but I think they're mad!grin

Sorry OP couldn't hear you properly with that silver spoon in your mouth

scottishmummy Mon 21-Jan-13 10:19:44

what a daft put down,suppose you too busy toiling all dem hours seeing you so put upon
whilst lady la-di-dah op acts like profligate spender you been working downt 'pit.
good job you eked enough money to go online not so poor that you not got pc?

DoodlesNoodles Mon 21-Jan-13 10:33:32

I prefer to buy new things and would rather something new from a cheap shop than something branded from a charity shop. There is nothing snobby about it at all, it is just what I prefer.
People spend £100s on fancy second hand prams even though you can buy perfectly good new ones for less money. Buying new isn't nessecerily about status or having cash to splash about.
Now, if you looked down on people who bought second hand then that would be wrong and snotty but the OP hasn't done that. She has just said she prefers to buy new. Which is what I prefer too.
I don't get the nasty comments made by some posters.

Fabsmum Mon 21-Jan-13 10:42:15

OP - lucky you to be well-off enough to have a university fund for your child, no mortgage, no debt and a good pension and not to need to buy second hand.

But if you DON'T have a university fund, savings, a decent pension, and you are paying hundreds of pounds a month on mortgage interest, then why the buggery bollocks don't you buy some second hand stuff and put the money you save into saving for your/your child's future?

BegoniaBampot Mon 21-Jan-13 14:01:41

you'd think by these comments that no one bought new. I'd imagine the majority of folk do buy new and most folk would prefer to. why is the op being made out to be strange or unusual or living a weirdly lavish lifestyle.

Mother2many Mon 21-Jan-13 15:01:12

Stroller: was just one of many things I initially bought my grandson that were turned away. Right now, there are 3 strollers, in the shed, as I'm not the only one that bought him a "used stroller!"

Begonia: It doesn't matter she herself chooses to go out and buy new stuff. That's great if she can.. for me, its other people...such as her MIL... So, the world has to buy new things for her and her family because she refuses to accept something used?? hmm

countrykitten Mon 21-Jan-13 15:22:49

Very good point about buying quality secondhand over cheap crap new stuff. This very much applies to furniture such as my bed which is 150 years old, solid oak and will long outlive me! Same applies to my sofas (ebay!) and our lovely old oak dining table. To get furniture of this quality brand new is very expensive and I have never seen any I like in any case so I no longer look at new stuff. I don't want cheap crap from Dfs or wherever which will fall to bits in a month -and is ugly to boot- so I buy beautiful second hand stuff which has a history.

But as others have said - each to their own. I expect people feel differently when it comes to things for children which I can kind of understand but I still don't like the OP's rudeness to her MIL.

BlackBagBorderBinLiner Mon 21-Jan-13 15:38:48

My wealthy PIL devote huge amounts of time and money to shopping. They would argue that they are thrifty, but the imperfect but 'bargain' goods are always coming and going. Their house is cluttered with stuff that was only £4 plus £25 postage and £90 for a new bit. They love the thrill of the chase only to replace it all next year. The spare bed settee has been replaced three times in six years all uncomfortable £150 a go plus van hire. Why not research and buy one you really like for £500 and keep the bloody thing.

They see me as profligate and a bit hoity toity. For example my DDs have two small drawers of clothes each. So only one party dress, two jumpers, three pairs of trousers,etc. I buy it new, with room to grow into twice a year during the online sales. I only buy stuff in colours that suit them. Job done, spend the weekend at the beach.

My PIL just can't understand why I don't 'pop' in the charity shops every weekend, 'iI miss out on all the bargains'. SIL bears the brunt of their purchases and is presented with three snowsuits in August, worn out, weird sizes and cuts, ideal for a long body/short arms, wider waist/knuckle dragger.

You are not alone. My PIL are n't thinking of what we need, they just love to shop, fill time and we're an excuse.

BegoniaBampot Mon 21-Jan-13 16:52:17

mothertomany - yes they do buy new if the op doesn't want second hand stuff, especially if she doesn't know where it's come from. sure that the op doesn't expect people to buy her anything but shouldn't have to accept stuff she doesn't want and hasn't asked for if they know how she feels about it.

countrykitten Mon 21-Jan-13 18:13:00

She should not refuse gifts - that is terribly rude. Give it away, whatever, but do not refuse it to the MIL's face and then even have a go at the poor woman!

noviceoftheday Mon 21-Jan-13 18:29:25

My mother is a bit like this - has a near heart attack if I buy anything new, or spend more than she would on an item. While occasionally annoying, she isn't being mean, she is just trying to helpful and worrying on my behalf. Probably just like your mil OP. You sound like you have been quite hurtful to her.

lovelyladuree Mon 21-Jan-13 19:21:21

Stealth boast biscuit

BegoniaBampot Mon 21-Jan-13 19:27:00

No, people shouldn't give people second hand gifts unless they know that the person will appreciate them and have had the conversation. Total waste of time and money otherwise.

Yfronts Mon 21-Jan-13 19:35:41

I'm not interested how anyone spends their money. We do second hand for somethings and new for other things (car seat/matresses). I do keep one eye on being environmental though as it's very important to me

HowTerriblyEngliscOfMe Tue 22-Jan-13 03:42:47

I wasn't actually rude to my mil, she can be a pain in the arse, but I try to be as nice to her as I can. I take into account that we have had VERY different lives and upbringings. I'm almost young enough to be her grandchild. It's just that took some relatively forceful words to actually make her stop doing something I asked her very nicely 100 times to stop doing, as did her son, my dp, by the way.

Also, I am genuinely sorry if I came across as a twat in the first post, re-reading it, I can defiantly see why some people where put off/pissed off by my wording. I was not in a good mood when I wrote it. blush

Incidentally, I don't know why I have an aversion to them. Quite a few people very close to me, including my mil love second hand shopping, charity shops being her absolute favourite. My dp has a bit of an ebay addict in the family too. I am NEVER nasty or rude to them about it nor would I be to anyone.

I just wondered what other people had to say on the subject. Whether I was weird, or if there were alot of people like me. Really overwhelmed by the huge amount of responses in such a short time... confused

Mimishimi Tue 22-Jan-13 04:13:25

YANBU as long as you don't moan about the cost of new things but perhaps your MIL is worried for her son and his financial security? Is your affluent lifestyle mainly funded by him or by you both?

Mother2many Tue 22-Jan-13 05:56:18

If I bought my grandson and item, I'm not about to say, Hey, I got it for a dollar at the free will store! lololol..... If I repaint/redo, and hand craft something, I don't hand it to the other person esp. if they don't "like" those kinds of things and express how cheap it was to buy and how dirty and ugly it was...

I guess, growing up so I appreciate anything I did get, is different. Heck, going to the soup kitchen for the "free lunch" was a treat for us, since there was none at home! However, that's a totally different topic...

Buy what you may. However, do try to think about what your MIL feels. You are married to her son, and I am sure she doesn't mean any harm.

everlong Tue 22-Jan-13 07:02:51

I am truly baffled.

To why you think anyone cares.

As my 21 year old ds says ' you can do what you want '

Thumbwitch Tue 22-Jan-13 09:53:48

I think YANBU, OP and I do find it bizarre that your MIL kept trying to steer you towards secondhand goods when you'd made it clear you preferred to buy new. Perhaps she thinks you are wantonly wasting money that her DS has earnt (regardless of your own financial input) and is trying to prevent that?

I must admit I have some sympathy with you - I don't like some secondhand things unless I know where they came from. Nearly all my baby stuff was secondhand, given to me by friends. The things I bought new were the cot mattress and bedding - and later on, a sleepingbag because it was needed. Other things were made for me, or given and I didn't mind. I bought later clothes (i.e. 1y+) from charity shops, but baby stuff was either new or from friends.
I don't mind some toys from charity shops, but not fluffy ones and not cloth books either.

I was brought up in jumble sale clothes, shoes that lasted a few sizes (bought at least one size too big and worn until at least one size too small sometimes), second hand school uniform etc. Because of that, I think "if it was good enough for me, then it's ok for my children" but I also appreciate being able to buy stuff new (although refuse to spend extortionate amounts on things!).

As someone else has already said - this post is really about your MIL foisting her ways upon you regardless of your feelings on the matter - and I think, since you have explained you do accept and then re-send to charity, you have done what you can to spare her feelings.

newNN Tue 22-Jan-13 10:26:35

It concerns me that people are questioning who actually earned the money, like it's at all relevant! In a partnership the couple decide for themselves how to divvy up finances and even if the mil thinks her dil is spending too much, it really is none of her business. No one is holding a gun to the dh's head and giving him no say in how 'his' money is spent!

I am a sahm and I do not view the money earned by dh as his. It is ours because we have divided up the labour in our family unit so that we each support the strengths of the other. I don't have to physically go out and earn, but dh doesn't have to look after the dc or worry about child care picks ups or what to do when he has to stay late at work. I would be deeply pissed off at any implication that I shouldn't spend money as he and I see fit because I hadn't actually left the house in order to earn it.

Thumbwitch Tue 22-Jan-13 11:44:02

newNN - if that post was aimed at me it was a waste of effort because I did say "regardless of the OP's own financial input" as it ISN'T relevant, but the MIL might have thought it is. Speculation on my part. Not commentary on the OP and her DP's finances.

newNN Tue 22-Jan-13 12:11:28

It was to mimishimi, although I did read 'regardless of OP's own financial input' as meaning that the op had contributed to the income but her contribution was being dismissed by the mil.

Thumbwitch Tue 22-Jan-13 12:25:32

fair enough, newNN - sorry for being a bit snippy. smile

WorkingMummyof1 Tue 22-Jan-13 14:09:43

OP - I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I also did not see anything offensive in your post. I agree with you completely I also prefer not have 2nd hand clothes etc. It gets a bit annoying when others try to impose their ideologies onto others.

If you made it clear to DMIL that you did not want 2nd hand items then it is unreasonable of her to continue to go on about it - there is nothing ungrateful about it as you said you were polite - think some people got a bit oversensitive about your post as you did acknowledge that some people need/like to shop for 2nd hand things.

Comparing a jumper to a house is wierd.

Some people might see it as a "waste" of money but I agree with those that say that someone has to be buying new stuff - otherwise what would happen to the economy and all the jobs depending on people buying new things?

There are people out there able to afford mega expensive cars - I will probably never be one of them - however if someone said I would prefer a new mega expensive car to the second-hand cheaper car I am using then why would I take offense or suggest that they are not being economical/environmentally friendly? They can afford it - great for them, I cannot - but I am happy with what I have. I might be slightly jealous smile but it would not be an insult.

KellyElly Tue 22-Jan-13 15:36:11

OP, I am the same as you especially with my DD. I bought the cot, clothes, toys, high chair etc all new and I still do with her stuff. I also sell a lot on ebay and because I have bought it new generally get pretty ok money for things. I would buy a second hand chest of drawers or wardrobe but not a bed or a sofa - why? I have no idea. I just wouldn't. I would only buy 'worn once or twice' clothes for myself from ebay. I have never thought too deeply about why I'm like this, I just am and I'm ok with that as should you be grin

yaimee Sun 27-Jan-13 10:11:53

As long as you donate your unwanted stuff to charity, then I think you're awesome.
I get nearly everything second hand, and without people like you, it'd be slim pickings!

aladdinsane Sun 27-Jan-13 10:21:38

Buy from where you want but you do sound like a pompous arse
I agree - stealth boast

OP, please try to watch Matthew Wright's show from Fri 29th. This thread is famous and has been described as an "extraordinary row". grin

AmIthatwintry is quoted too.

ethelb Mon 28-Jan-13 15:12:21

I don't really think there is an ethical problem as long as you are buying high quality stuff, looking after it and planning on handing on afterwards.

Furniture makers, shop keepers need to be kept in business to keep the economy going.

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