Aibu to hold a wedding reception on sister's birthday?

(346 Posts)
Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:04:33

I'll keep it short.

We recently had a tiny, family only wedding with the plan always being to have a party in the summer.

We are organising said party now and have juat sent out info to people to hold the date.

My sister has told me that obviously she is not coming as it's her birthday and why would she want to go to someone else's party on that day.

I haven't risen to the bait. Am I being unreasonable to hold the party on that date? ?

It's not a milestone birthday, mid twenties.

ApocalypseThen Sat 19-Jan-13 17:05:17

You could choose any day, why this one?

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:06:25

We want a midsummer Saturday, only have every other weekend free and have some other holidays booked in which mqke this the best date

Why your sisters birthday? There's 364 other days to choose. IMO YABU.

HollyBerryBush Sat 19-Jan-13 17:07:04

People don't own dates.

however I'm wondering if there is a history of sibling rivalry between you both

Pandemoniaa Sat 19-Jan-13 17:07:07

Given that you are waiting months and months to have this party, why choose your sister's birthday in the first place?

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 17:08:03

YABU and clearly goading your sister. You're also making it awkward for the rest of your family.

What a crap way to celebrate your marriage.

DawnOfTheDee Sat 19-Jan-13 17:08:32

It's a bit odd that you chose that date tbh. I can't believe it's the only date available.

Pandemoniaa Sat 19-Jan-13 17:08:50

It sounds a bit insensitive, tbh. I've no time for adults who get terribly precious about their birthdays but for all that, did you not realise this this wasn't perhaps the best date?

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:09:00

Interesting interpretation Pinot.

As a family we never celebrate birthdays together

HermioneE Sat 19-Jan-13 17:09:28

Didn't it occur to you to talk to her first about the date?

delilahbelle Sat 19-Jan-13 17:09:40

Seems a bit harsh of you to book this date when you have the whole summer to choose from. It might not be a milestone birthday, but I'm sure your sister will still want her own night out with her friends. Given there is ages to go, why don't you chose another day?

Pandemoniaa Sat 19-Jan-13 17:09:56

As a family we never celebrate birthdays together

It doesn't sound as if you'll be celebrating this one either!

notMarlene Sat 19-Jan-13 17:10:03

Yeah, choosing that particular date was a shit thing to do.

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:10:24

It's not the only date, but as I have explained above it's the date which best suits us. I'm quite surprised by the responses to be honest.

TinyDancingHoofer Sat 19-Jan-13 17:10:29


TheSecondComing Sat 19-Jan-13 17:11:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DawnOfTheDee Sat 19-Jan-13 17:11:59

Whether you celebrate birthdays as a family or not isn't really relevant. You could have chose any number of dates but you chose one that you knew clashed with something. It does sound a bit inflammatory.

HyvaPaiva Sat 19-Jan-13 17:12:01

Exactly what Pinot said.

SpicyPear Sat 19-Jan-13 17:13:34

You are completely out of order. Pretty selfish thing to do and my first reaction was same as Pinot.

HollyBerryBush Sat 19-Jan-13 17:13:56

Are you the older or younger isiter? (nosey!)

Personally I dont see anything wrong with it - and this is another one where I cant make head nor tail of MN - most of the tiome the comments are along the lines of "no one over 6 has a party/bothers about birthdays/does it end in zero"

I still think there is sibling rivalry and if she doesnt want to come to your party, so be it.

TallyGrenshall Sat 19-Jan-13 17:14:46


That is going to be one awkward weekend

MoominmammasHandbag Sat 19-Jan-13 17:15:14

I am constantly amazed by the fuss that some adults make about their birthdays.
YANBU OP, your sister needs to grow up.

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 17:15:29

Mmm. Seems unnecessary IMO. You have months to chose a day and it just happens to be your sisters birthday. And the first she hears about it is a save the date card?

I am guessing not...

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:15:44

Older sister.

I was quite taken aback by her reaction. No rivalry, we're not that close.

Clearly everyone is a lot more precious about birthdays than me!

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:16:25

Thanks moomins!

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 17:17:04

My guess is you're either close in age to your sister (I.e. have always competed) or you're a lot older and resent her being coddled as the baby.

I love a bit of amateur psychology grin

Foggles Sat 19-Jan-13 17:17:10

You might not celebrate your sister's birthday, but I'm sure she would want to.

flowery Sat 19-Jan-13 17:17:38

Did you at least contact her first and say look, this date would really be the best for our reception, hope you don't mind?

Or did you just send her a save the date card?

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 17:17:46

Ooh poo. I am shite at psychology.

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:18:10

Nice try Pinot, but neither.

It actually didn't occur to me that she would have a problem with it.

gertrudestein Sat 19-Jan-13 17:18:15

If I was in her position, i'd probably be a bit offended that you hadn't at least asked me first. Obviously I'd be really happy for you and want you to have the wedding date that suits you most, regardless of the birthday issue. But I think it's a bit unreasonable not to have even asked.

Having said that, my family does celebrate birthdays.

Perhaps your sister's birthday is more important than you realise, because you never actually see her on that day?

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:18:54

I sent her a text, our main method of communication.

LaCiccolina Sat 19-Jan-13 17:18:56

U sent the invites out? So she found out by getting the invite? U didn't call first and say er best weekend for us and friends is x is this clashing say a holiday or something for ur birthday? If not we will go for it? Or anything approaching a conversation???

Just sounds like uve been one upping between u for donkeys years and ur doing this again.

gertrudestein Sat 19-Jan-13 17:19:44

as in .. more important to her

DawnOfTheDee Sat 19-Jan-13 17:19:45

Neither? So you're not close in age to her but neither are you not close in age to her..? confused

CloudsAndTrees Sat 19-Jan-13 17:19:50


It's not about being precious about birthdays. I'm not at al precious about my birthday, it usually passes completely unnoticed by anyone except my own Mum, children and DH.

I'd still be a bit hurt if my sister wanted to take a day that was special for me and make it all about something special for them, especially a family occasion.

Don't you think it might be you that's being a bit precious about your party? Because face it, it's not really a wedding reception if its happening months after the wedding.

Euphemia Sat 19-Jan-13 17:19:59

YANBU - your sister needs to get over herself. She's an adult - I'll never understand adults who want a fuss made about their birthdays.

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 17:20:02

What is the age gap ::not giving up yet::

wigglesrock Sat 19-Jan-13 17:20:13

You've already got married anyway, having a party 6 or so months after the event is a bit of a stretch anyway. Why a midsummer Saturday? Why would you willing choose to create such a drama? You must have known this wouldn't go down well, did you not to have a word quietly before, feel her out about it.

Tbh I'm not a big birthday person, but really you couldn't see this might be a awkward?

Overreactionoftheweek Sat 19-Jan-13 17:20:31

If you'd mentioned it to your sister first and explained it's the only date that works, maybe she would have been fine. But to just send out invites and not even acknowledge that it's her birthday...well I think that's rude.

And I was certainly pissed off when my bil and sil choose my 30th for their wedding

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:20:49

Laciccolina how on earth you can reach that conclusion on info prpvided I don't know.

The wonders of mumsnet. .

ChristmasJubilee Sat 19-Jan-13 17:20:56

You could have it as a joint celebration with a cake and candles for her and she could invite her friends. You could have your friends and a wedding cake. One venue, one band, one meal. Or choose another day.

DoodlesNoodles Sat 19-Jan-13 17:21:06

YANBU. It's only a birthday FFS. How childish of your sister. What about suggesting it as a joint wedding reception and birthday party. Ive obviously no idea if that is feasible but just a suggestion.
Did you speak about it with your DS beforehand? If not, then that was probably a bit inconsiderate of you.
Does she know that it is the only date you can do.
TBH I am amazed other posters think you are BU.

Are you actually able to change the date.

Foggles Sat 19-Jan-13 17:21:55

If I was your sister, I'd come to your reception and put a big birthday cake in the middle of the table. grin

EuroShagmore Sat 19-Jan-13 17:22:07

YABU. You should have discussed it with her beforehand.

HollyBerryBush Sat 19-Jan-13 17:22:22

Well, if you arent particularly close to her I cant see the problem TBH

If it was a significant birthday, 21 or 50 and none of the zeros inbetween, I could see it as inflamatory. So unless her birthday is that specific Saturday rather than that being the closest Saturday, then she is just being a mare.

I'll say it again - people don't own dates.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 19-Jan-13 17:22:22

If it didn't occur to you that it might hurt your sister, then you are probably as self centred in real life as you are coming across on here.

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 17:22:29

Not precious about birthdays at all. But would expect my sister to at least say what she was planning not send me a generic save the date card.

And what about the rest of your family - have you checked the date works for them? No holidays booked in the summer for example.

I think your also need to consider that this may not be viewed as a wedding by others - your wedding was ago - so this is really just a party too, with no more importance that a birthday party.

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:23:03

She didn't find out on an invite people! !!

5.5 years pinot.

It's fine, she obviously has the right to say she's not coming. I just find it odd. Clearly you lot don't! !

whatsforyou Sat 19-Jan-13 17:23:16

It does sound like there is a bit of previous here. If that really is the only date available why did you not phone her up and explain this before you sent out a save the date card?
If you had done this and she was still being awkward I would think she was BU but for not having the manners/consideration to do that I think you are BU and she is probably saying she isn't coming because she is pissed off.
My best friend had her wedding on my birthday, said to me before and said she hoped I didn't mind, and I didn't, if she had just sent me an invite I would have been a bit hmm

Spidermama Sat 19-Jan-13 17:24:04

You should probably have run it by her before asking people. Just a quick call or even text of email to say 'We're looking at 6th of June for our reception but realise it's your birthday. How would you feel about that?' then at some point during the reception get someone to mention its her birthday and everyone can sing happy birthday to her.

I am surprised so many grown ups on here think you're raining on her parade. A wedding reception is a far bigger deal than a birthday without an 0 on the end, surely.

DoodlesNoodles Sat 19-Jan-13 17:24:16

What do your parents think about this? (if relevant )

DawnOfTheDee Sat 19-Jan-13 17:24:33

I agree that people don't own dates but if there's an option to pick between a date that a) is your sister's birthday or b) isn't your sister's birthday then the sensible option is b).

MsVestibule Sat 19-Jan-13 17:25:16

I can't believe you didn't ask her first. It honestly wouldn't cross my mind to book a party on one of my close family members birthdays without checking with them first.

I don't think I'm overly precious about birthdays, but I'd be pissed off if I was your sister.

Narked Sat 19-Jan-13 17:25:25

You are already married. This is a party to celebrate that. You had 365 days to choose from and you've decided on that one.

You're waiting months to do it, why pick her birthday?

MoominmammasHandbag Sat 19-Jan-13 17:25:30

So does everyone else celebrate their birthday with some big party that can only take place on the actual date of their birthday then? Clearly I am missing out here and so are all my friends. Dinner with family, possibly close friends too, is the only thing that happens on birthdays in my circle ( apart from milestone ones). And even then we are flexible about the date.

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:25:35

We don't live near to each other, so no sharing.

The whole point of letting people know today was checking their diaries.

I'm not looking for another date, this is the one that suits us re children and holidays

Pancakeflipper Sat 19-Jan-13 17:27:10

Is it such a big deal of someone's event happening on your birthday if it's not a special birthday?

Birthdays are great cos' you can have celebrations at point in your birthday week.

I would think it was brill if it was my birthday but you'd have to bring me a cake and have everyone sing happy birthday to me <steals a little of the limelight> .

My best mate had her wedding on my birthday and it was great. I was bridesmaid and got to wear a great dress,had my hair done for free, got my photo taken alot, had a lovely meal then a great boogie in the evening with lots of friends.

mrsjay Sat 19-Jan-13 17:27:18

yabu any other but her Birthday you both sound like kids though im not coming blah blah ,

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 17:27:19

You're young to get married then. I was 22, seems barmy to me now grin still happy though.

I digress.

Maybe sister wants to be married and has the hump that you're flaunting it on her date? That'd be uncomfortable.

Either way though, you've been unthoughtful choosing that date so maybe call your sister to stop it escalating into an argybargy? I have 2 sisters and we can row like cats given half a chance. And elder sister shares her birthday with my DH so I'm used to balancing on that tightrope!

Foggles Sat 19-Jan-13 17:27:25

It's quite clear from the way you post that you and your sister do not have a close relationship and you don't give a flying fig whether she comes to your reception or not.

HermioneE Sat 19-Jan-13 17:27:40

Now I get why drip feeding is annoying. So there was some text conversation prior to the save the date cards going out, but it didn't stop you going ahead, and we don't know whether it was then or after the card that she said she wouldn't come.

Anything else forthcoming OP?

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 17:28:04

Was your sister at the actual wedding?

Nanny0gg Sat 19-Jan-13 17:28:51

OP, why did you ask?

And like many others, I think it was tactless at best and thoughtless at worst.

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 17:29:35

I wonder if the sister is a MNer? grin

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:30:03

I have not sent save the date cards!!!!

Just a preliminary text.

Yes she was at the wedding.


She might have plans. On her birthday. Surely that's usual?

Pandemoniaa Sat 19-Jan-13 17:30:49

I'm not looking for another date, this is the one that suits us re children and holidays

Then I can't see any reason for you to have bothered posting this thread in the first place. You are clearly quite confirmed about the rightness of what you've done. Your sister is quite clearly being precious about it and everyone on here who questions your decision is bonkers. The End.

thefirstmrsrochester Sat 19-Jan-13 17:31:06

I don't see the issue.
I got married on my niece & nephews 6th birthday. Was the Saturday closest to a particularly significant date for me & DH.
Nobody got their knickers in a twist. The twins were part of the wedding party, the family were assembled together so everyone got to see them and pride of place beside the cake were birthday cakes for them. After the best mans speech, happy birthday was sang, they (with help) sliced their cakes & dished it out to the guests. And after the wedding waltz, happy birthday by Stevie wonder was played & the twins were burled around the dance floor by the gp's.
They got their gifts at the reception and all in, SIL was thankful she hadn't a party to organise for them.
It is only one day and its entirely possible to celebrate your sisters birthday at your ceremony/reception.
Lovely lovely minister also made reference to niece & nephew sharing their special day.
It can be done, it's just how you play it.

mrsjay Sat 19-Jan-13 17:31:31

well it is only a party why cant you find another day for it then your sister wont think you are stealing her thunder,

catkind Sat 19-Jan-13 17:31:33

NBU to use that day, but maybe you could have told her more tactfully? I'm sure you'd have sung happy birthday to her smile I'd grovel a bit, and ask her if she could consider celebrating her birthday with her friends on another day, as it was the only date that worked for you and your venue? Make her feel like you care and perhaps she'll make an exception and save a family rift?

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue Sat 19-Jan-13 17:31:39

YABU particularly because it is not the only date available to you, just the most 'suitable'.

It is not odd that your sister is choosing not to go, it is odd that you chose that date.

Bluestocking Sat 19-Jan-13 17:32:08

I think your sister's reaction is completely unreasonable! Adults who get protective about their birthdays need to grow up and act their age, not their shoe size. However, if you're "not that close", I'm willing to bet that there's some baggage here you're not telling us about.

Celticlassie Sat 19-Jan-13 17:32:37

Why the hell would it matter? I would be quite happy for my sister to get married on my birthday.


Rosa Sat 19-Jan-13 17:33:48

Had my wedding on d niece birthday we put a happy birthday banner and balloons on her chair and gave her a cake as well. She also ( very proud) read a lesson in the church. She loved it and she now sends me rude fun texts on our anniversary as she doesn't forget the date. i would say ok fine have a good birthday SIL or come along and celebrate..silly woman.

LineRunner Sat 19-Jan-13 17:33:56

I dislike adults fussing on about birthdays, but that's just me.

If you were actually getting married on that date then ok. But your not. You got married ages recently. So this is not a reception, its just a 'party'.

Weissdorn Sat 19-Jan-13 17:34:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 17:34:35

Okay then. You sent a text, she isn't coming, you are not changing the date everyone knows where they are.

Given the wedding will have been 6/7 months previous to the party and she was there to help you mark the occasion no real drama.

Enjoy your party.

Narked Sat 19-Jan-13 17:35:09

This isn't a wedding. It's a party, at least 6 months after the wedding.

MinnieBar Sat 19-Jan-13 17:35:18

YABU. It's not precious to want to spend your own birthday how you want. At someone else's wedding with someone else's friends? No thanks.

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:35:24

You are quite right. I am comfortable with my choice and thinky sister is being ridiculous.

Nothing wrong with seeing what other people think...

HermioneE Sat 19-Jan-13 17:35:34

So... You haven't sent cards to anyone, just 'info' to them to save the date?

So everyone got texts?

So was hers actually to say 'I know this is your bday but we really want this date, is that ok' or the same 'keep the date for us' that you'd send to anyone?

This really is a lesson for me in why MN is so fierce about drip feeding!

Cherriesarelovely Sat 19-Jan-13 17:35:44

It wouldn't bother me at all. The only reason I would be upset would be if it was a big birthday and I already had something brilliant planned. I think she is BU.

Pancakeflipper Sat 19-Jan-13 17:36:25

ThefirstMrsRochester is right - it's how you play it. If you ignore her birthday then that's crappy. But if you acknowledge it with a birthday singsong by all the family and friends and present her with a pressie - then what's not to like?

I think one of my most memorable birthday's is at my friends wedding when they all sang happy birthday to me and gave me a pressie. It was embarrassing lovely.

tjah04 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:36:47

If you can accept that most people are probably only going to see this as a party then go ahead.

It's not like your anniversary is going to be on her birthday every year. However If this party is important to you I would beware of causing any family controversy. No matter how much you deny it, it will always cloud your memories every time you look back at your wedding celebrations.

Your only going to end up hurting yourself in the long run.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 19-Jan-13 17:37:12

Well you're quite precious about a wedding party, aren't you? Talking of other people being precious about their birthdays... this is your sister, not a random person.

The impetus for celebrating the wedding has worn off, no? Maybe not to you but will have to other people who won't be as interested in it as you are.

MouseyHousey Sat 19-Jan-13 17:37:22

YABU. Its not till the summer so you have plenty of time to reorganise.. Also I cant understand why you will be having a party to celebrate your marriage the best part of a year after the wedding confused
My BIL and SIL got married on my birthday, abroad. The immediate family went with them (we couldnt afford it). They didnt ask me about it just announced one day that they had booked it, I was a little upset but more so when it came to the wedding day and I called them to say congratulations and everyone had seemingly forgot it was my birthday as noone wished me a happy birthday! sad

wibblyjelly Sat 19-Jan-13 17:37:24

yanbu. If this was my sisters and I, and it was my birthday, I'd love that all my family were all together in one place.

ENormaSnob Sat 19-Jan-13 17:37:25

A party months after the wedding is a total non event imo.

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 17:38:21

OP you are not coming over well. I think it is ridiculous to have a 'wedding reception' months after the blardy wedding. Maybe your sister does too?

And can't be arsed making an effort for someone she isn't close to when she has already attended your know the actual wedding.

carabos Sat 19-Jan-13 17:38:23

There's more to this than meets the eye wink.

apostropheuse Sat 19-Jan-13 17:38:27

The thing is, if it was your actual wedding I could understand you wanting a particular date. However, it's not your wedding. By the time you have the party you will have been married over six months.

It does smack as though you've intentionally chosen her birthday to have your party. That's all your having - a party. Not a wedding. You're only celebrating something that's already happened six months previously.

It could easily come across that you're doing this to annoy your sister.

I'm quite sure you could have chosen another date.

Cherriesarelovely Sat 19-Jan-13 17:39:21

There are all kinds of reasons why peoplecan't celebrate their birthdays on the actual day, illness, work commitments, friends and family unable to attend on that day. All of these have happened to me. I just enjoy my day and do the celebration soon after.

specialsubject Sat 19-Jan-13 17:40:51

where is the issue? She does indeed need to grow up. And so does everyone else who thinks birthdays are a sacred date when you are past school age!

YABU. It's not precious to want to celebrate your birthday and not have it hijacked by your sister. I would be pretty upset if my sister did this to me. You lot may want your birthday to pass without celebrating (and then no doubt come on here and moan about how no one made an effort/had other plans) but I like to celebrate my birthday with my friends and family and would be pretty upset if my sister insisted on having her post-wedding party on that day.

apostropheuse Sat 19-Jan-13 17:42:51

PS I think you will find most people don't even think of it as a wedding reception.

I'm now wondering if you're going for the whole big wedding dress and bridesmaids scenario. If so, why on earth just not do that on your wedding day?

This really is the height of nonsense.

ohfunnyhoneyface Sat 19-Jan-13 17:43:34

Drip feeding is infuriating.

Whether you are being unreasonable or not depends on how you told her.

Did you acknowledge it was her birthday and she might be put out?

If she is mid 20s and you are significantly're what, 19? I wouldn't do this to my sister, but we're close. If you're not close, I don't get why you care.

Pandemoniaa Sat 19-Jan-13 17:43:40

I think the reasonableness (or otherwise) of the whole situation depends on how you've played it. If you sent your sister an impersonal "save the date" text then she's probably thought, like some of us, that it might have been nice to be consulted given the time that's elapsed between your wedding and this proposed party. Because having your party on her birthday isn't the worst thing in the word is it? But if you've come across as not giving a toss then her initial reaction might well be to tell you to fuck off and take your party with you.

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 17:43:42

I think running it past her first would have been the decent thing to do.

Why you doing this a year after you got married? Seems odd. Are you digging your dress out to wear again? Maybe she's fed up with it dragging on for so long and the date was the last straw?

I couldn't be arsed putting myself out to confirm one way or another if I was attending a 'wedding reception' more than six months after the event, especially if it seemed that the bride had deliberately gone out of her way to arrange it on my birthday. I'd wait until the day before nearer the event before I decided to attend or not, to see if I had a better offer made other birthday celebratory plans.

A wedding reception months after the wedding is a total non event imo.

So I think you are both BU. You for deliberately choosing your sister's birthday, and her for saying straight away she won't be attending.

DoodlesNoodles Sat 19-Jan-13 17:45:01

Have you responded to her text yet? If not you could try a really grovelly apologetic text and let her know that you will make her an extra special cake etc etc. I would also let her know tat you tried to do other dates but this was the only one that would work..... Or something like that.

I am still stunned that people are precious over adult birthdays.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 19-Jan-13 17:45:16

... maybe the sister will arrange to get married on the 'reception' day... now that would set the cat among the pigeons, no? A direct competition, upfront and personal... grin

LPplusOne Sat 19-Jan-13 17:47:19

You're coming across as incredibly immature and selfish, OP. And, yes, YABU.

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 17:47:44

Lying you are mean and pointy grin

fudgeit Sat 19-Jan-13 17:48:01

as an aside, how do you plan on explaining her absence on the day?

DontmindifIdo Sat 19-Jan-13 17:48:30

I think you've handled in a way that is going to get someone's back up. If you'd sent her a text saying "hi Dsis, we're just looking at dates for the wedding celebration in the summer, but it looks like the only date we can do that the venue can do is your birthday! Are you going to be around or are you going away this year? Obviously we'll have cake with [insert birthday year] candles on it for you! Sexolette" - then I bet she'd be ok with it.

If you just informed her without making it clear you had no choice but htat weekend, it looks from her point of view that you might have picked it dilberately.

It looks like you didn't think about her, which you didn't. Have you even checked with close family if they are able to make that date and aren't away? Alot of people will have already booked holidays and with only 6 months notice, a lot of other weddings will have already been booked and accepted.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 19-Jan-13 17:49:54

Gomez.... thank you, thank you very much... I'm here all week. grin

<waits patiently for call from Corrie scriptwriter...>

NippyDrips Sat 19-Jan-13 17:50:07

Yabu, if you are waiting months anyway surely there is another date you could choose.

HellesBelles396 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:54:15

If you don't care how she feels, you don't need or want her there.

If you want her there, you should care that she's upset.

Regardless of whether you think she's being reasonable or not.

DoodlesNoodles Sat 19-Jan-13 17:56:22

I don't think OP is drip feeding, she is answering posters questions.

TBH. Without knowing more details we can't know, if the OP did consider her sister or if she did send a considerate text to her. Saying the OP has chosen the same date just to be spiteful is very very speculative.

The OP could also have very good reasons to be organising the wedding reception a year after the wedding. It could be financial reasons or because she had a baby.

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 18:32:00

Thanks doodles!

It's a bit of both! Babies, money and dates. I know I have said it is tge most suitable for us, which it really is.

Like I said I can only choose from two weekends a month and we have other stuff booked in.

Maybe my handling was insensitive, but certainly not deliberately so. And this level of communication is normal between us.

Am bemused by how many posters seem desperate for there to be a big back story.
To clarify, I am the older one and the main reason we are not close is the age gap...

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 18:37:14

Oh you're older? I thought you said tother way round.

I refer you to my previous deduction that you resent her being the baby of the family then.

Not that it matters wink

I hope you apologise/sort it out with her though. Even if you don't give a shit, your family hopefully would.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 19-Jan-13 18:37:33

Or maybe, the reason you're not close is because you couldn't give a shit about her feelings?

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 18:43:55

I wonder if you are more upset about this than you're letting on. You're posting as a bit of a hardarse, but...are you sure you're ok?

spatchcock Sat 19-Jan-13 18:46:43

I personally wouldn't care one jot if it was my birthday and I'm a bit surprised about the responses here. I stopped making a big deal out of my birthday after I turned 16.

Do people really make such a big deal out of their birthdays??

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 18:48:27

Thanks for asking Pinot.

To be honest my initial reaction was to be cross with her batting it straight back like that.

Will see about patching it up once everything confirmed, more for my mum than anything else. She will probably change her mind nearer the time, or at least I will provide her the opportunity to do so.

It does make me feel a bit 'sigh' in general. There always has to be some drama somewhere with my lot.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 19-Jan-13 18:49:04

I suspect that you sent out a generic text to the group. That in itself would be enough to piss most people off.

from somewhere up thread you mention that you don't even live close so she/they will be spending most of the weekend traveling.

If she is as young as you suggest she probably will want to be out with her friends or BF and not driving around the country.

I wonder though if that it has to be this date because you are going away somewhere afterwards.

ApocalypseThen Sat 19-Jan-13 18:49:20

I get that adult birthdays aren't terribly important - generally you're at work and then doing something small at the weekend - but I think you should be able to expect your own sister to at least acknowledge that she's taking over your birthday a bit if she's planning something like this. Just because everyone likes to feel cared about.

In fairness, OP, if you tackled your sister with the same indifference to her feelings that you're showing here, I'm not surprised that she's not keen.

MrsMaryCooper Sat 19-Jan-13 18:49:29

I think that your sister is unreasonable. I would be perfectly happy to attend a wedding reception on my birthday. It's not taking anything away from her birthday.

I'm astonished that so many other people think that you are the unreasonable one OP.

plantsitter Sat 19-Jan-13 18:49:51

I would be really pissed off if my sister texted me with her wedding date and it was the date of my birthday. Did you mention it was her birthday too, like 'I know that's your birthday but presumed you wouldn't mind' or something? If you made no reference to it presumably she thought you'd forgotten or were deliberately pretending it was a date that didn't matter.

If my sister texted me and said 'do you mind if we have our wedding on your birthday?' I wouldn't mind at all though. It's the acknowledgement that's the thing.

LineRunner Sat 19-Jan-13 18:50:24

Yes the OP was asked backthread if she was was the older or younger sister and she said older.

I can see why it might have been taken the other way but she wasn't dissembling.

MrsBW Sat 19-Jan-13 18:50:49

It's fine, she obviously has the right to say she's not coming. I just find it odd. Clearly you lot don't! !

She wants to celebrate her birthday, but it's not like it's a special one. You want to celebrate your wedding, but it's not like it's your wedding day.

She's perfectly within her rights to not come just as you are within your rights to arrange it on that day.

You made a decision. Now - and I don't particularly like this expression - own it. Why are you coming on here looking for people to say you've done the right thing? It's done - the Save the Dates have been sent.

Now all that's left is the fall out...

LaCiccolina Sat 19-Jan-13 18:51:15

I reach it because ur professing to be bemused as to why she's upset. U also say ur not rising to the bait. That sounds like somethings happened in history. I find it rather odd that as sisters u wouldn't already know roughly what the other would feel about something like this. Therefore either u are being deliberately obtuse (so why?) or it's a pattern u both repeat to each other and have done probs for a long time.

Or of course it's just u. Dunno which u prefer!

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 19-Jan-13 18:51:22


"She will probably change her mind nearer the time, or at least I will provide her the opportunity to do so."

Well thats just so decent of you.

YANBU - I'd be really pleased if my sibling or friend had it on my me having a party wink
I think she needs to get over herself grin

TheFallenNinja Sat 19-Jan-13 18:51:33

I'd find something more meaty to goad her with. Yabu

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 18:53:23

Well thanks boney. wink

MrsLouisTheroux Sat 19-Jan-13 18:53:49

OP: it's the date which best suits us She may enjoy celebrating her birthday with friends. Why would you arrange a date for you party you know clashes with another occasion?
I am comfortable with my choice and thinky sister is being ridiculous. Obviously she enjoys her Birthday celebrations, that's not ridiculous.
Are you sticking with your choice of date then OP?
Do you think that your party is more important than her potential birthday plans?
Don't be surprised if she fails to take your feelings into account in future.

ENormaSnob Sat 19-Jan-13 18:54:21

I agree than an adult birthday is a total non entity.

But neither is a party months after the wedding.

It's not like it's your actual wedding.

They are both as important as each other. Ie not very to most people.

nextphase Sat 19-Jan-13 18:55:04

If you avoided the birthday of everyone who was potentially invited to your wedding, you'd have pretty few dates left!

OP: YANBU. Just stick with it, its your sisters decision what to do, pick the date that is right for you and your DH. Your never going to get it perfect for everyone!

LaCiccolina Sat 19-Jan-13 18:55:16

Agree with another, just apologise together after agreeing to disagree on it. Not worth massive fight really? She was at wedding...? She's bound to do something another point. Spose that's what sisters do! Dunno myself, not got one.

Hope u have a good party regardless.

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 18:55:38

I can well understand the drama being draining, especially if there is previous examples.

That said, and I only say this as I learnt it the hard way, families like yours and mine need extra thought not less. Handle them with kid gloves. Where other families can deal with stuff easily, I know I have to take extra care. I think yours may be similar?

Harsh lesson to learn, relating to your wedding and you have my empathy.

Still think you should have chosen a different date though wink

Yabu for all the reasons everyone else has given

ProtegeMoi Sat 19-Jan-13 18:56:10

YABVU of all the days in the year you choose her birthday. Sounds like you were trying to get one up on her. I urge you to apologise and change the date.

nkf Sat 19-Jan-13 18:56:22

What made you pick your sister's birthday? What an odd thing to do. How old are you?

fruitstick Sat 19-Jan-13 18:56:29

It's your attitude that stinks.

You say that you're not close, therefore this looks like a deliberate swipe at her OR she means so little to you that you didn't think about it.

It's those things that would piss me off. In your 20s, your birthday is your only date. As you get bigger it's replaced by anniversaries, children etc but until then ....,,

I don't get the feeling you will get her a cake and make a big sister fuss of her - I get the feeling you will use it as an excuse to demonstrate how petty & spoilt your little sister is.

I suspect you do that a lot wink

fruitstick Sat 19-Jan-13 18:58:26

Come to think of it, I wanted to get married on my sister's birthday (suited us best) but instantly dismissed it out of respect for her.

She was over 40 at the time grin

I cannot understand OP why you are so precious about a party? It's not a wedding reception, it's a flipping party.

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 18:58:36

Don't give up the day job fruit

TidyDancer Sat 19-Jan-13 18:58:43

Oh dear. You sound quite selfish OP. Why on earth didn't you run this by your sister before firming it up? Would it have been that difficult?!

The fact that this is a birthday versus a party is a total red herring. It's one sister not giving consideration to the other.

You really should've spoken to your sister about this first. Then if you could, I think you should've moved one of your other things or cancelled something. Is there any reason you can't do this?

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 18:58:45

Sisters can be utterly vile to each other ::nods vigorously::

But also the very best friend you could wish for. Aww.

nkf Sat 19-Jan-13 18:59:56

Just read some more. Have you two been behaving like this for years? It's very petty.

Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 19:00:24

Thanks for your opinions folks.

As you can probably tell, I disagree with most of you.

But I'm ok with that. smile

Off to play amateur psychologist on someone else's thread now.

Hellesbelles2 Sat 19-Jan-13 19:00:56

Personally I'd be delighted if my sister arranged her reception on my birthday as it would mean I'd get to spend a lovely day with my family/mutual friends (without the stress of organising a party myself).

A couple of years back a close friend got married on my birthday. She rang before booking to see if I minded but I said birthdays come along every year, weddings don't. They did mention me in the speeches which was a lovely gesture but totally unnecessary!

MrsLouisTheroux Sat 19-Jan-13 19:01:15

You are coming across really badly OP. Feeling defensive? You wouldn't be on here asking if you knew it was 100% the right thing to do.

TidyDancer Sat 19-Jan-13 19:02:18

You asked if you were unreasonable, the large majority have confirmed that you are. You won't accept this.

What a surprise.

I do look forward to the rare threads where the OP accepts they are wrong. It's so refreshing.

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 19:02:30

Time for me to slag off d list slebs n Splash grin

MrsBW Sat 19-Jan-13 19:02:54

You are coming across really badly OP. Feeling defensive? You wouldn't be on here asking if you knew it was 100% the right thing to do.

^ this

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Sat 19-Jan-13 19:03:41

I wouldn't mind if someone chose to host something on my birthday, but an acknowledgement beforehand would be appreciated. A quick text or phone call to say "I know it's your birthday but we're thinking of having xyz..." I'd never begrudge anyone having something on my birthday, especially if it was as booze filled lovely as a wedding.

It's just a courtesy thing I suppose. YABU/YANBU depending on what your text said!

ProtegeMoi Sat 19-Jan-13 19:03:54

Your sister came to your wedding, she is likely to want to attend this party. So she has the choice of coming to your party and not celebrating her birthday or not going and feeling bad about it. You have put her in a really awkward position and it's very selfish of you. If I received the invite I would decline as to not be involved in what is clearly sibling rivalry.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 19-Jan-13 19:04:27

But this isn't a wedding its just a party. and its away from the sister's friends

bamboostalks Sat 19-Jan-13 19:06:14

How odd! Cannot understand anyone caring that much about their birthday. Is she jealous of you?

ChestyNut Sat 19-Jan-13 19:06:29

Yabu if I was your DS I'd be quite pissed off too.

You're obviously set on having the date you want regardless of her feelings tho.

crashdoll Sat 19-Jan-13 19:07:18

YABU and should have at least asked her first! She's also being a bit U but it doesn't negate that you should have bothered to ask her.

Agree with TinyDancer -waste of time asking if you're only going to thank the minority who agree with you and refuse to even consider the other side.

Astley Sat 19-Jan-13 19:07:53

I'd think my sister was having a severe PA moment if she did this to me and assume there was actually something much bigger wrong in our relationship. I would never, ever do it to her.

DanceYourselfDizzyBaby Sat 19-Jan-13 19:07:53

My sister got married on my birthday. She asked me before if I minded. Of course I didn't mind. Because I'm not 5 years old.

It was a brilliant day and her Elvis impersonator sang happy birthday to me. You don't get that kind of special every day grin

Hellesbelles2 Sat 19-Jan-13 19:09:17

Guess it's true about it being a party rather than a wedding but would still prioritise that over my birthday (but then again I've never made a big fuss over my birthday however appreciate some people do.)

"Like I said I can only choose from two weekends a month and we have other stuff booked in."

5-6 months in advance you have stuff booked in that is more important than your wedding reception ?


And you are surprised that your sister finds her birthday more important than your wedding reception?

All these things are clearly more important than both your sister birthday and your own wedding reception, so you should not really be miffed that your sister is not prioritizing your wedding party either.

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 19:10:28

dance, that's lovely.

I think OPs sister would probably love that level of thoughtfulness.

Pinot Sat 19-Jan-13 19:11:25

Oh Quint thats astute

McNewPants2013 Sat 19-Jan-13 19:12:33

Yabu, surely you have Annual leave ( al) at work and there is alot of summer month to do the party but you picked the date of your sister birthday.

I think it ridiculous to hold the party so long after you got married, why didn't you have a family wedding in the day then do evening invites.

MrsLouisTheroux Sat 19-Jan-13 19:12:35

<would love to be a fly on the wall at this post wedding party>
can picture OP swanning around regally...

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Sat 19-Jan-13 19:15:17

I really dont get these people who say "what is she 5? Why do peple make a fuss of birthdays?" Eh, because its your birthday? Its the one special day that belong to you. Do you all stop celelbrating your childrens birthday once the hit a certain age?

OP I think YABU but sure you dont care what we think. You just wanted to feel justified in what you did because you dont like the fact your sister called you on it. FWIW I thin Pinot is right, there is an underlying issue here, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. It sounds like you dont like her. I have 3 sisters with varius age gaps, some I am close to, some I am not. There is a difference in being close to soemone and likeing someone and showing them a bit of respect. I also think that its bull crap that you have so much planned between now and then that you cannot fit your party in on another date.

MrsLouisTheroux Sat 19-Jan-13 19:15:30

Dance I doubt very much your sister is like this OP. She doesn't give a damn that it's her sister's birthday!!

coldcupoftea Sat 19-Jan-13 19:16:04

See, if it was my sister I wouldn't mind, but I would expect to know about it before the save the date cards went out. And to be asked if I minded.

I think you need to call her and grovel- she probably thinks you have actually forgotten it's her birthday on that date.

turnedexgay Sat 19-Jan-13 19:16:36

I would never book a party I expected my family to attend on one of my siblings birthdays, our family visits each other for birthday or at least our parents do and I would never put them in a position of having to chose to come to my party or to see someone on their birthday but then I got married and had a reception and then moved on with life I didn't expect to get two goes at being the centre of attention.

YABU but you're happy with it so the rest of your family can just put up with it I guess.

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Sat 19-Jan-13 19:16:50

Also please excuse my spelling, apparnetly my fingers are too fat to type on this thing..

LDaisy Sat 19-Jan-13 19:17:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ImperialBlether Sat 19-Jan-13 19:17:41

I can't believe the responses on this thread. If the OP's sister had come on here whining that a wedding party was going to clash with her birthday, she would have been told very firmly to get a grip. If she continued to moan, she would have been called a cunt.

TalkativeJim Sat 19-Jan-13 19:18:43

And was your text to her as snippy and unpleasant as every single one of your posts on here? grin

You don't sound very nice, so I'm quite sure you're perfectly satisfied with the outcome you have here.

Have fun on those other threads now.


CelticPromise Sat 19-Jan-13 19:19:19

YANBU, and I'm surprised so many people think you are. Imho it is a bit odd to make a big deal out of non significant birthdays as an adult! I wouldn't give a toss if my sister chose to have a party on my birthday. For whatever reason.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 19-Jan-13 19:20:18

But its not a wedding party/recption/breakfast or a renewal of vows, its just a party that the OP wants to throw because IMO she wants to flaunt the fact that she is married.

LineRunner Sat 19-Jan-13 19:22:43

Marceline Kindle Fire?

WafflesandWhippedCream Sat 19-Jan-13 19:26:32

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a parallel universe on threads like this.
Obviously other people think (adult) birthdays are a big deal.

I'd actually be quite chuffed (if I thought about it at all) if my sister decided to get married on my birthday. And I wouldn't dream of expecting her to ask my permission to do so - she can get married any day she likes, and as far as I'm concerned it would just make the day more special if it was a family birthday as well.

missalien Sat 19-Jan-13 19:27:44


Personally, I think yanbu

But I don't like most of my family! But I would have thought it would be fun!

Oh well.

Waffles It's not a wedding day, its a party...

ImperialBlether Sat 19-Jan-13 19:32:22

It's a party to celebrate her marriage. Presumably the OP couldn't afford to do that at the time. Quite a few people do it later; there's no reason for people to be horrible about it.

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Sat 19-Jan-13 19:38:06

Yep Kindle Fire AND fat hands LineRunner grin

CaroleService Sat 19-Jan-13 19:40:26

My brother married on the birthday of a child in the family. Child died a year later. Wedding anniversaries are agony.

TidyDancer Sat 19-Jan-13 19:41:02

I've already said it, but I'll say it again. This is ultimately not about a party vs a birthday, it is about one sister's consideration for another. Or in the OP's case, lack thereof.

The OP is unwilling to move or cancel any of her summer of events, but fully expects her sister to not care that her birthday is pushed aside. That is incredibly narcissistic.

The OP may be suffering from belated bridezilla syndrome.

MrsLouisTheroux Sat 19-Jan-13 19:42:23

[gin] and agree Tidy

Binkybix Sat 19-Jan-13 19:42:44

I don't know. I would quite like going to something like this on my birthday (save me having to sort anything out), but you also come across as a bit snooty about the whole thing. So I'm on the fence! Hopefully can be sorted out amicably though.

MrsLouisTheroux Sat 19-Jan-13 19:42:52

that should be grin as in [ grin ]!

Binkybix Sat 19-Jan-13 19:45:24

Yes. Tidy has put her finger on what I meant by 'a bit snooty' about it.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Sat 19-Jan-13 19:49:02

I'm guessing massive backstory full of festering sibling rivalry?

What Moomin and Celtic said.

Revolting seeing adults making a prima donna style fuss about their non-milestone birthdays.

She'll have another 50-odd years of birthdays. You'll only ever have one wedding. YANBU but she definitely is BU.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Sat 19-Jan-13 19:52:11

And 'age gap' as a reason for not being close is a total cover story. Plenty of people are close with big age gap, plenty of sibs only a couple of years apart hate each other.

Xales Sat 19-Jan-13 19:52:33

I am not sure what your sister has done wrong.

You said we are having a wedding party this day she said I am not attending as it is my birthday.

Where is the drama?

Go ahead, have your party, accept that she in her mid 20s will be off out partying with her mates not going to your wedding party?

No problems?

Why do you have to come and ask if you are being unreasonable? Neither of you are unless you are making it an issue.

BartletForTeamGB Sat 19-Jan-13 19:54:53

"My sister got married on my birthday. She asked me before if I minded. Of course I didn't mind. Because I'm not 5 years old."

Completely agree with this. It wouldn't bother me at all.

josie81 Sat 19-Jan-13 19:57:00

You should have mentioned it to her first, not as in asking her permission but as in acknowledging that the date you've picked will fall on her birthday, explaining why and saying you hope she understands and that it's v important to you that she's there (if it is of course!). I think her reaction is a tad childish and self indulgent but I suspect it's a reaction to not being consulted first rather than to you holding the wedding on her birthday. I personally wouldn't miss my sisters wedding for the world, and certainly not for my birthday, but on the other hand I know she would definitely mention it to me first before sending out the invites, out of courtesy and kindness really.
So you are both being a bit unreasonable. I think you need to be the bigger person here and try to resolve it or you will both regret having dug your heels in over such a silly thing (assuming there isn't some deep seated bigger issue at hand here).

slhilly Sat 19-Jan-13 19:57:41

I must say, I'm suspicious about why the OP has posted. She says "nothing wrong in hearing other people's opinions", but has not shown any openness to changing her mind or doing anything differently in the light of what anyone has said. It's classic passive-aggressive behaviour: post, and dismiss what you hear. And this final post is the same:

"Thanks for your opinions folks."
A disingenous thanks

"As you can probably tell, I disagree with most of you.

But I'm ok with that.

Off to play amateur psychologist on someone else's thread now."
Signing off with a dig at posters who have speculated as to her motives

This kind of posting is not very nice behaviour, in my view. And I am with the other posters who see a direct read-across from this behaviour and the topic on which she originally posted. It has the exact same feel of being passive-aggressive and self-righteous.

Floggingmolly Sat 19-Jan-13 19:58:13

You're being ridiculous. It's not a wedding, it's a party held months after the wedding, so you've the whole year to choose from. Can you really not see your sister viewpoint?

TidyDancer Sat 19-Jan-13 19:58:13

This is not a wedding. It's a party the OP decided to have because she got married.

Did you realise this, Scampi?

mynewpassion Sat 19-Jan-13 20:00:24

I think, tidydancer, has it right. the lack of thought from the op is astounding. a simple courtesy would have gone a long way.

FeltOverlooked Sat 19-Jan-13 20:04:55

I am not remotely precious about my birthday. It is rescheduled for all sorts of reasons as my DH often has to travel around that time, it is in the midst of the festive season, etc.

I don't think having a wedding party on a birthday is a particular problem either, even for children. My sister got married (actual marriage) on my brother's birthday.

It should always be discussed though. The big problem here is that the first she heard was the save-the-date card. That is beyond rude.

You had the opportunity to have a party when you got married op - why did you decide to wait until your sister's birthday?

thesnootyfox Sat 19-Jan-13 20:11:15

I have a large family and trying to pick a date that doesn't fall on someone's birthday would be a difficult task. We got married on my nieces birthday, we bought a birthday cake for her and sang Happy Birthday at the evening reception. Some years later ds1 chose the anniversary of our wedding to make an appearance so going out in the evening of our anniversary is a thing of the past!

FeltOverlooked Sat 19-Jan-13 20:13:57

thesnootyfox did you speak to you dear niece or her parents before sending save-the-date cards though? That is the key, I think.

I'm pretty bemused at this thread.

Earlier on this week there was a thread complaining about a christening that was due to happen on the op dh birthday. The op dh was roundly told that he was being a twat and that any adult who was precious about their birthday and thought it should trump a once in a lifetime event was also a twat.

Along comes this thread where the op is having a once in a lifetime event and nearly everyone has told her she should have considered her sister and should have chosen a different date.

So what the actual fuck is the difference then? And why the complete about turn in the consensus of opinion?

For what it's worth I wouldn't care less about going to a wedding reception on my birthday but would be a bit annoyed if my sister didn't acknowledge that they had chosen my birthday when they told me the date. So the op has been unreasonable in how they've gone about it but not for choosing this date imho

MidniteScribbler Sat 19-Jan-13 20:30:44

SheIBU by making a fuss of a birthday. The world doesn't stop on your birthday. You don't own it, nor do the millions of other people in the world who were born on the same day. I wouldn't even let my own child carry on with the fuss that some adults do.

YABU in that it would have been polite to check with her that she didn't have plans before planning your party. You can't worry about great aunt Maisie's second cousin's neighbour that you had to invite having a birthday that day, but this is your sister. You should ask, she should then very politely confirm that she does already have something booked, or that she doesn't and you can go ahead with your party. That's how things work in a civilised society.

YAalsoBU for having a present grab wedding reception nearly a year after your wedding. It's over, you've had your special day. Move on. No one cares anymore.

HelenLynn Sat 19-Jan-13 20:33:05

Good grief, I am really surprised by the reaction to this. You get a birthday every year but you don't get married so very often, ideally just the once, and I don't see why having the reception on a different day to the ceremony makes the reception any less important. If I got a text from my brother proposing my birthday as a wedding party day I'd send him jokey thanks for being so thoughtful as to organise my birthday party for me. It wouldn't occur to me to take offence at it.

TeaCupCrazy Sat 19-Jan-13 20:35:11

YANBU. I had my wedding on someone in my families birthday. The person concerned wasn't happy. Said they didn't mind to me when i mentioned it. But they obviously did and proceeded to be huffy about it.

MarilynValentine Sat 19-Jan-13 20:35:22

OP, the way you have responded throughout the thread matches your lack of sensitivity in choosing the date.

You've come across as one of those dead-eyed, self-absorbed types who automatically brands others as 'over-sensitive' if they don't accept that what you do/say as beyond reproach.

It's not about being precious about birthdays, as others have said. It's about keeping in mind that others have their own lives, plans, needs.

You obviously think, "My wedding reception party type thing trumps her birthday, hands down".

She feels differently. You could have chosen another date.

Kafri Sat 19-Jan-13 20:37:58

as a family we never celebrate birthdays together

Or weddings now!!

Cherriesarelovely Sat 19-Jan-13 20:38:23

Yellow that was exactly what I thought! MN has changed its tune this evening!

BartletForTeamGB Sat 19-Jan-13 20:44:15

yellow, I noticed that as well. Thankfully I've got the same opinion about birthdays for both threads, being older than 5.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 19-Jan-13 20:45:06

cherries and yellow

Its not a wedding. its just a party with wedding tagged on to it.

fruitstick Sat 19-Jan-13 20:45:20

I didn't see the christening thread but I think it's slightly different.

HIS child's christening. I think once you are married with children your birthdays become less important.

And nobody remembers christening dates the way they do weddings. I realise it's not the actual wedding but seems to me a cheeky way for everyone to remember her anniversary AND reception date.

Fast forward to sister's 30th birthday party. I'd put money on the OP reminiscing about how wonderful her wedding party was this very day 5 years ago etc etc.

TidyDancer Sat 19-Jan-13 20:46:44

This is not the same as the Christening situation. That involved, IIRC, the DP of the baby's aunt or uncle (sorry, can't remember the gender specifics as it was a reverse AIBU) kicking up a fuss when the Christening was arranged for a date near to the DP's birthday. It wasn't even the actual date and the baby's parents were not related to the tantrummer.

And I still maintain this thread is about one person's consideration for another, and the fact that the OP has none.

Chunderella Sat 19-Jan-13 20:46:44


You ought to have done your sister the courtesy of asking first. She ought not to have minded. But the initial rudeness was yours, which is why you're out of line and she isn't.

PatriciaHolm Sat 19-Jan-13 20:47:27

I think it just sounds like the OP and her sister don't like each other that much. Doesn't sound like the OP particularly cares that her sister won't be at the party, and I'm not sure why she bothered to post really!

MarilynValentine Sat 19-Jan-13 20:47:31

I agree usually, I don't feel this is really about birthdays/birthday preciousness.

If the OP had called her sister and acknowledged it was her birthday and explained that the date was the best for them, then I would definitely think that the sister WBU.

But.....this feels more about attitudes to others. She could have handled this a lot better. She has dealt with her sister as if her feelings were completely negligible. That's what is bothering me and a lot of posters I think.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 19-Jan-13 20:49:37


I think that you are bang on the money, given the OP's lack of consideration I suspect that her sister's birthday every year will be twisted to "wasn't my wedding party grand"

The more I think about this the more I think that the OP is desparate to be the center of attention.

MarilynValentine Sat 19-Jan-13 20:50:01

Yes very different to the christening thread.

TheFallenMadonna Sat 19-Jan-13 20:54:06

I don't really understand wedding receptions months after the event. Why don't you have a big first anniversary bash to celebrate instead, and avoid an unnecessary spat with your sister?

fruitstick Sat 19-Jan-13 20:55:42

Maybe I should give up the day job afterall wink

TheFallenMadonna Sat 19-Jan-13 20:55:53

But Helenlynn, this is the second time she's celebrated the wedding....

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Sat 19-Jan-13 21:03:35

You were expecting everyone to call her a childish bitch and slag her off, weren't you?

BegoniaBampot Sat 19-Jan-13 21:03:47

honestly don't think it would bother me. birthdays aren't a big deal and we often celebrate or go out on a date close by rather than it having to be the actual day.

The reason this is different to the Christening thread is that this is a wedding reception taking place several months after the wedding.... If it was the actual wedding and it was the only date that the church/venue could do then it might be a different issue, this is just a party for the sake of a party.

FeltOverlooked Sat 19-Jan-13 21:10:56

I fell either side of this one and the Christening one.

The differences (in my mind) are:
(1) the birthday person in the Christening case was not particularly close family, so they may not even have known it was the birthday
(2) the Christening wasn't even on the birthday
(3) you don't always have that much say on a Christening date in many churches - ours only does them once a month
(4) the partner of the birthday person really wanted to go to the Christening
(5) it was the actual Christening not a party many months after a wedding
(6) the wedding "bride" seems to have just set the date and not chatted with her sister first

I think it was absolutely possible, if handled nicely, to have the wedding on this day. It has been played badly.

I have not had a complete about-turn, I think they are very different.

NewAndSparklyMe Sat 19-Jan-13 21:12:51

OK, apologies but I haven't read all the other replies, only the first page.
Why the hell would you choose your sister's birthday to have the party? Yes, you said you'd have a party in the summer. Why does it have to be on her birthday though?!
Yes, you are being completely unreasonable to have a do on that day. You KNOW it's her birthday. Regardless of whether it's a so called big milestone number or not, she's entitled to want to celebrate her birthday or not.

Bingdweller Sat 19-Jan-13 21:15:46

My DH's brother and his wife booked their wedding for my DH 40th birthday. I was a bit pissed off - not because they stole his thunder, but more because I was on maternity leave at the time and finances meant we could either celebrate his big birthday or the wedding.

Of course, not attending the wedding wasn't an option so we threw everything into going - stag do, present, outfits, hotel etc. and my DH received a modest pressie from me and not much else :-( We enjoyed the day after the initial disappointment that it wasn't being spent as we envisioned. His 50th will be a more elaborate affair though....

givemeaclue Sat 19-Jan-13 21:15:47

It is rather rude to arrange a party for yourself on your sisters birthday. Does seem to be drama seeking behaviour and somewhat thoughtless. Just arrange it for a different weekend and avoid the problem.

givemeaclue Sat 19-Jan-13 21:16:23

Nb. It's not a wedding reception, its a party

HelenLynn Sat 19-Jan-13 21:16:52

TheFallen, well, yeah, in that she and her husband did some of the conventional amount of celebrating when they had the ceremony, and are deferring the reception bit. They're not actually doing sneaky extra celebrating smile To me, having the big party to mark the wedding on a different day from the wedding itself doesn't seem to make the party bit any less important, and I do think that the part of getting married where you gather all your friends and family together to mark this huge commitment you've made is important; I'm capable of getting quite sentimental about it. Having found myself typing that, I guess the fact that I attach a lot of importance to celebrating a marriage in its wider social context is perhaps why the time gap between ceremony and reception doesn't make the latter seem any less of an event to me, when it's clearly a significant consideration to a number of other people on this thread.

NewAndSparklyMe Sat 19-Jan-13 21:19:32

Euphemia YANBU - your sister needs to get over herself. She's an adult - I'll never understand adults who want a fuss made about their birthdays.

It's not about making a fuss though, is it?! Who said she's making a fuss?! She's got every right to want to go out for a birthday meal if she wants to, or maybe a few drinks in the local.
Or whatever.
Why should she expect her sister to decide THAT was the day she wanted to have a belated wedding party, when she had every other weekend in the entire year to choose from?!
It's a case of "no shit, sherlock" if she suddenly turns round and says, no, sorry I can't come."
Something the OP should have really thought about when she booked the date.

givemeaclue Sat 19-Jan-13 21:20:35

Lots of drama with your family? But you created this one?!

firesidechat Sat 19-Jan-13 21:21:49

Weddings trump birthdays.

It might have been better to pick a date that didn't clash with a family birthday. Just to be on the safe side.

If I was your sister I would have attended your reception without a second thought. Wouldn't have been an issue at all, but then I'm not big on birthdays.

BooCanary Sat 19-Jan-13 21:23:52

If my dsis held her wedding reception on my bday, I would think it was a weird and slightly me me me thing to do.

However, I would whinge about it to DM and dh and then suck it up and go anyway.

TheFallenMadonna Sat 19-Jan-13 21:24:39

OP, why wait until summer to have the party?

And actually, it wouldn't bother me if my sister did this, but my sister would a) talk to me about it, and b) make sure I had a cake and a rousing chorus of happy birthday.

We double up birthdays all the time in my family, as we are curiously synchronized with respect to conception...

FeltOverlooked Sat 19-Jan-13 21:26:49

By the way, OP, did your sister already come to the first wedding? And how far did she have to come to that / would she have to come to the party?

NewAndSparklyMe Sat 19-Jan-13 21:28:23

firesidechat Weddings trump birthdays.

It's not a wedding, though, is it?! OP said she already done that as a small thing. So why do the great big party for everyone to celebrate on her sister's birthday?
She knew it was her sister's birthday. So can't really turn round and complain when said sister says no actually, she can't make it.

PrettyKitty1986 Sat 19-Jan-13 21:30:32

Yes yabu. Sounds to me like you are goading your sister or trying to make some sort of point that you're more important than her. Weird way to want to remember your wedding party IMO.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 19-Jan-13 21:30:41


I find it weird of her.

firesidechat Sat 19-Jan-13 21:35:01

No I suppose it isn't strictly speaking a wedding and I probably wouldn't have even thought of doing it the way the Op has.

Just saying that, as a non birthday person, it wouldn't bother me. However it does seem to bother the sister and it would probably have been more sensitive to pick a different date.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 19-Jan-13 21:36:13

The main reason I think the sister is BU is that

a) Birthdays happen every year, weddings only once (hopefully)
b) your sis will be with her family, hopefully having a nice day. Not so bad for a birthday
c) She can celebrate her Birthday with other people another day. Yay! 2 celebrations
d) caring this much about a Birthday as an adult, is, IMO childish

FeltOverlooked Sat 19-Jan-13 21:36:42

"it would probably have been more sensitive to pick a different date. "

^^ this.

Or to talk to the sister properly first.

FeltOverlooked Sat 19-Jan-13 21:37:53

Jamie - the wedding has already happened twice! It says small family wedding, so I am guessing the sister was there... (though OP has not confirmed).

I agree with b, c, and d. But only if the sister was actually consulted first.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 19-Jan-13 21:40:20


My interpretation would be the other way round. Sis is being drama seeking ("why would I want to go to someone else's party") because she feels a bit jealous. If it were my sister I'd roll my eyes a bit (inwardly) but make a big fuss of her at the party.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 19-Jan-13 21:42:29

JamieandtheMagicTorchSat 19-Jan-13 21:36:13

The main reason I think the sister is BU is that

a) Birthdays happen every year, weddings only once (hopefully)
The wedding has already happened
b) your sis will be with her family, hopefully having a nice day. Not so bad for a birthday
given the attitude of the OP, probably not
c) She can celebrate her Birthday with other people another day. Yay! 2 celebrations
So could the OP, after all its just a party
d) caring this much about a Birthday as an adult, is, IMO childish
maybe she has organised something with her friends, maybe she has a BF that has planned something, maybe she is going away for a couple of weeks, she might be having a party of her own, just because IYO birthdays childish doesn't mean that every feels teh same.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 19-Jan-13 21:42:33


I'm wavering a bit

Badvoc Sat 19-Jan-13 21:43:42


Binkybix Sat 19-Jan-13 21:44:06

I think it's the fact that OP has so many other commitments she could not possibly move, therefore putting all her other commitments and her party above he sister's birthday that seems a bit rich.

I personally don't care about my birthday, but doesn't stop me realising that others do.

sussexsongbird Sat 19-Jan-13 21:47:51

You should still have asked her first. You could easily have called her and explained/apologised first and checked how she felt about it before sending out invitations. Getting a general invitation to your SECOND wedding, on her birthday, when presumably she has already been to your wedding once, probably felt a bit of a slight. You could have dealt with it better.

sussexsongbird Sat 19-Jan-13 21:50:09

PS My Grandpa's birthday is the day before mine and he insisted on holding his family party on my birthday for his 80th, which my mum insisted I go to. I was miffed and thought I would not enjoy it. However he went off in a grump when he got tired and everyone was glad I was still there so they had someone to sing happy birthday to! Maybe you can tell you sister to invite a couple of friends and make sure there is a cake for her at your do? Soften the blow?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 19-Jan-13 21:59:49

I agree with TidyDancer and actually, NO event trumps any other - not in a decent family anyway.

In our family, everybody's birthday is acknowledged, however old they are. Children receive more attention and it's gladly given. They AREN'T more important than anybody else though and that's the rule in our family - everybody is in the family and everybody will make considerations and have respect for everybody else.

I cringe at the 'how old are they, 5?' comments... so rude and dismissive. No there's no need to grand gestures for peoples' birthdays. If you don't want to make them - then don't but, if you disregard family members then that's what you do... don't be surprised then when they disregard you and yours, no matter how old you or they are. I just couldn't tolerate that nonsense. Family - all of it - is very important to me and that's the message that filters from top down and bottom up, as it should.

I wouldn't bother going to OP's party if I were her sister, not on any day. They're not close, according to OP. WTF? The sooner their relationship fragments to nothing, the happier they'll both be never having to think of each other.

Lueji Sat 19-Jan-13 22:06:41

Do you even have to ask?

I don't think she overreacted.
She will obviously have her own plans so why should she go to your party?
It's not even like you have asked first if she would mind.

But you are not that close and you clearly aren't bothered about her or her birthday, so why even post here?

Lueji Sat 19-Jan-13 22:24:38

Could you hold the party at your own, your DH or one of your DC's birthdays instead?

Two birds and all. grin

As birthdays are not that important...

fruitstick Sat 19-Jan-13 22:29:55

I don't think the OP will be back.

A classic 'this is what I'm doing so how dare everyone not be thrilled. I must be so much cleverer than them' thread.

Then gets the hump when no one congratulates her on her maturity.

DanceYourselfDizzyBaby Sat 19-Jan-13 22:39:04

Forgot to add YANBU. Or maybe you are. I don't know you or your relationship with your sister. Is it unreasonable to hold a celebratory party on a sibling's birthday? Of course it's not. Perhaps there's more going in here. Perhaps there's not.

My only advice would be - if you're going to do it, book Elvis.

cricketballs Sat 19-Jan-13 22:40:04

on reading your posts op the first thought that came to my mind - didn't you realise yourself that it was your dsis birthday?. You seem more surprised that she is bothered than you do over choosing this date for yourself and not considering her at all

LibraryMum8 Sat 19-Jan-13 22:40:13

YANBU. I am very close with my only brother and if he told me he was getting married on my birthday it wouldn't mean anything other that I would remember his anniversary better!

For this one year, I'm sure she can manage to go out the day before or after her birthday. Heck I would consider it a nice way to spend my birthday. I don't know what all the faff is for, it would honestly not bother me one bit.

chubbychipmonk Sat 19-Jan-13 22:53:10

'There has always been a drama with my lot'. . . . .

Hmmmm, like planning your wedding 'party' on your sisters birthday when there is another 365 days to choose from and then not backing down / changing the date when she lets you know she's not happy with it? That kind of drama??

It does make me feel a bit 'sigh' in general. There always has to be some drama somewhere with my lot

Is that because you like provoking people?

MidniteScribbler Sat 19-Jan-13 23:51:38

Genuine question for all the "birthdays are special" people. Do you expect a day off work for your birthday? If you do have to work, do you expect your workmates to throw you a morning tea with cake and balloons?

mybabywakesupsinging Sat 19-Jan-13 23:58:27

Personally I would find going to my sister's wedding party a fab thing to do on my birthday.
Can always have another evening out as well...
anyway I am getting too old to make a major fuss about being another year older...

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Sun 20-Jan-13 00:01:37


Let me put it back to all the non fuss birthday people. At what age do you decide a birthday is no longer special? Age 5?15?18?25? So say your child is 26, do you not acknowledge it? Do you not send a card? Wish happy birthday? If your child has a meal do you refuse to go?

cricketballs Sun 20-Jan-13 00:01:42

midnite its not that the birthday is the priority, but that the ok is surprised that yet dsis is annoyed that her birthday is 2nd best to a party that could be held 364 other days in the year

The op decided to forget her dsis birthday, thinking only of herself and wonders why her dsis had issues with that decision....

MarcelineTheVampireQueen Sun 20-Jan-13 00:08:39

Alos EVERYTHING ELSE in the OP's diary is more important than her own wedding party except for her sisters birthday. Are these other important events other peoples occasions such as birthdays?

MidniteScribbler Sun 20-Jan-13 00:10:27

Marceline: Yes of course I acknowledge the birthday, but if my child was being brattish and expecting the world to stop because it was their birthday, then I'd be rethinking my parenting. I grew up with parents that worked several nights a week. So birthday dinners in our family were whichever night they weren't working. Might be a couple of days before, might be a couple of days later. Big freaking deal. They were still acknowledge, celebrated and presents given.

My son has a birthday right in the middle of christmas and new years. He'll never get a birthday party with his school friends on his actual birthday, it's just a bad time of year (summer holidays here, so everyone's away). He'll just have to learn to live with it. We'll have dinner, maybe go somewhere fun, but actual parties will have to be held when school goes back. Such is life. He needs to learn that you can't expect everyone to rearrange their lives because of a birthday that comes every year.

If I received an invitation for something, my first thought isn't "oh no, that's my birthday!". It's "do I want to attend this function or not?" If yes, then I make arrangements that suit it. If not, then I just decline. But I don't expect everyone to arrange their own functions and celebrations around that fact that I managed to be born.

Reaa Sun 20-Jan-13 00:12:17

Not sure if anyone has said this already but can you not just have a big party on your first wedding anniversary or have a renewal of vowels ceremony on your first anniversary, I know you said you wanted a summer one but if you really wanted it that much why did you not get married in the summer?
It looks to me like you are just doing this out of spite.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sun 20-Jan-13 00:16:33

My team at work celebrate everyone's birthday with custom-made cake, card & gift/collection.

We are LOVELY though. grin

The OP is clearly trying to provoke her DSis and has confused an AIBU thread with a whiny phone call to her best friend.

I am so glad I have lovely, considerate DSises. I don't think either position is unreasonable - I got married the day before my BF's birthday and cleared it with her before booking. But the whole context here just stinks of bitchery, resentment and one-upmanship. And what is it with this having a wedding reception months after getting married. Ridiculous.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 20-Jan-13 00:22:41

Your sister isn't being precious about her birthday, she is entitled to celebrate it if she chooses. Whether you celebrate your birthday or the posters on here do or not is irrelevant.

For some reason you are choosing to celebrate your wedding 6 months after you got married and the only date you have chosen is your sisters birthday, so she has to forget her birthday plans to celebrate your wedding, again? Obviously once wasn't enough for you.

Why wait six months? Most people celebrate at the time. I think you're stretching it out for attention. You've had your day, get over it. I'd find it pretty weird celebrating someone's wedding six months later, total non event. Don't be surprised if people are busy, like with going to actual weddings.

YABU and selfish not to realise why you might have annoyed your sister.

thesnootyfox Sun 20-Jan-13 00:31:24

Feltoverlooked, I honestly can't remember. The whole of the summer was taken up with weddings and the two weeks following each wedding was off limits because of honeymoons etc. We also wanted our wedding on the anniversary of the day we met so there was a specific reason for choosing that date.

ProudAS Sun 20-Jan-13 09:24:18

I seem to recall seeing a thread on here a couple of days ago where the OP was unhappy about her DH putting DN's christening before her birthday and the consensus was that she WBU. Now however we are saying the OP IBU for having party on sister's birthday.

Birthdays are pre-determined and most other events aren't. Whilst it is not always practical to plan events around birthdays and they can be celebrated on another day surely anyone planning a family event on relative's birthday should at least run it by that person first!

Pinot Sun 20-Jan-13 09:25:54

OP I hope you're alright after reading through all this.

ModernToss Sun 20-Jan-13 09:42:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd just mention the birthday during the party, and perhaps have an additional cake.

leedy Sun 20-Jan-13 09:56:53

Whatever about the birthday issue, I'm not sure why so many people find it weird/indulgent/bridezilloid that the OP is having a wedding party months after their wedding, or that that makes it "only a gratuitous party, you're already married" - I know a few people who've had a large reception on a different day to a low-key ceremony. Usually it's because a large number of their friends/family live somewhere other than where the ceremony was, or because they couldn't take time off around the actual wedding but needed to get married then for visa issues or something.

snowtimelikethepresent Sun 20-Jan-13 10:01:41

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU because ever since I started reading this thread I have had 'Get Dancing' by Disco Tex and the Sexolettes on my brain <shows age>

And fwiw I think you're being a but U re your party date but there is probably more to this than meets the eye. I have a sister who is 5 years older than me too and is no stranger to pulling this kind of stunt, but on the whole we get on fine. On the face of it, it seems a bit of a storm in teacup (brewing up trouble over tiny little bubbles, The Fortunes c 1970, oh shit!!!)

whois Sun 20-Jan-13 10:06:54

I don't get the big deal about adult non-significant birthdays.

Sister should be happy she will get to see all her family on her birthday :-)

BadLad Sun 20-Jan-13 10:07:34

I enjoy celebrating my birthday - if it falls on a weekend or public holiday, then I will usually have a meal and drinks afterwards with any friends who can make it. Don't know why some people seem to think it's ridiculous to want to go out on your birthday if you're no longer a child.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 20-Jan-13 10:09:38

Well fwiw I can't imagine a single member of my family being put out by this. Am amazed at all the posts saying your sister is BU. I think she sounds incredibly immature.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 20-Jan-13 10:22:04

"I seem to recall seeing a thread on here a couple of days ago where the OP was unhappy about her DH putting DN's christening before her birthday and the consensus was that she WBU. Now however we are saying the OP IBU for having party on sister's birthday."

A christening is a once in a lifetime thing, dates are rarely remembered and are often set by the church. This however is not a once in a lifetime thing. It is not a wedding, a wedding reception, or wedding breakfast, nor is it a renewal of vows.

It is just a party that the OP wants to have and could have any other day of the year but wants it on this day because it suits her.

We don't know how the OP's family works or what her sis normally does to celebrate her birthday but the OP has already said that she doesn't care about how her sister feels and it will be going ahead .

Squitten Sun 20-Jan-13 10:40:51

I don't think YABU to choose the best date that works for you to have your party. You're entitled to do that.

I do, however, think that as a curtesy you could have mentioned it to your sister beforehand and explained why you were choosing that date and that you would love her to come.

I think you're not wrong in what you're doing but you handled it badly. You have sent her a message that suggests you a) don't care that it's her birthday and b) don't care about her feelings. Both of which actually seem to be borne out by what you've said here.

TidyDancer Sun 20-Jan-13 10:51:35

Proudas - have a look up thread, the Christening issue was addressed a while back - it really was completely different to this. This OP is just intensely selfish I think. You can see it in her reaction here as much as the way she has treated her sister. It's just not very nice.

FeistyLass Sun 20-Jan-13 10:51:47

Binkybix I think it's the fact that OP has so many other commitments she could not possibly move, therefore putting all her other commitments and her party above he sister's birthday that seems a bit rich .

^^ I think this is the issue. Everything in the OP's life is more important than her sister's birthday, and for that reason, it is reasonble for her sister to say she can't come.
I have a few sisters and some would be fine with a party on their birthday and some wouldn't. However, I think most of them would be pissed off if I made it clear I'd put lots of commitments before their birthday. That is just rude.

Trills Sun 20-Jan-13 11:01:39

Everyone can celebrate their birthday on a different day.

If you are young enough to not be able to read a calendar then you won't notice.

If you are old enough to be able to read a calendar than you are also old enough to understand that sometimes it's more convenient to celebrate on a different day.

DreamingOfTheMaldives Sun 20-Jan-13 11:09:44

Of course the OP's sister wants to celebrate her birthday with her mates, she is late teens or very early twenties, if I understand correctly. That doesn't make her childish! I think people are less bothered about birthdays as they get older, although I still like a nice meal out with my DH, but at her age, they are still quite significant - a nice day to have people make a bit of a fuss of you (and I don't mean in an attention seeking diva way!)

The OP wants a mid summer party to celebrate her 6 month wedding anniversary wedding so has 8 Saturdays in a July and August to choose from. Oh, but none of the other dates are convenient....... So she chooses a date that isn't convenient to her sister but then thinks her sister is being unreasonable for saying she won't come. The OP has put all her other plans for those Saturdays in Summer above her wedding party, and I can't imagine they are ALL particularly important otherwise she would have said (I'd love to know what they are) but doesn't put her own sister's birthday above it.

OP - you sound like a selfish madam

DreamingOfTheMaldives Sun 20-Jan-13 11:11:04

I meant to say, doesn't put her own sister's birthday above those plans

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 20-Jan-13 11:25:13

Having thought about this some more.

All those posters saying that you can celebrate your birthday when ever you like.

You can only really celebrate your birthday (if you are going out with friends) twice every 7 yrs on the actual day.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 20-Jan-13 11:34:34

I'm not sure why it's unacceptable to celebrate your birthday as an adult. I do, all my friends do. We buy presents for each other. For the posters that don't, fair enough that's your choice. But don't vilify others for wanting to celebrate theirs.

The point is that the OP has chosen to have her wedding party a whole six months after the ceremony and the one day she has chosen is her sister's birthday, out of all the dates.

The fact that you say you aren't close speaks volumes. You could have just said to her that you were planning for that date, but you didn't. Which proves you couldn't care less.

Infact the only reason you have asked this question at all is to make yourself feel better. Well hard luck, not everyone agrees.

MerryCouthyMows Sun 20-Jan-13 11:49:43

Blimey - I have my DS's Birthday on 24th Jan (a Thursday this year), my SD's birthday on 2nd Feb and my Dbro's birthday on 9th Feb. I wouldn't book DS3's birthday party on the same day as one of their birthdays, even if it WAS a more convenient time for me!

YABU. Change the date, or accept that your sister won't be there, apologise to her, and send her a nice present and some flowers on the day.

You've been a bit bridezilla booking it on that day, tbh.

twilight81 Sun 20-Jan-13 13:37:31

If it were my sister I couldn't care less if it were my birthday on the date of her wedding celebrations.. In fact i would be only too happy to share the day with her. Don't know why it would even be an issue.

trixymalixy Sun 20-Jan-13 13:48:28

YANBU. I would just text her back and say " what a shame" and don't rise to it.

She's acting like a child.

shockedtohell Sun 20-Jan-13 14:50:40

My dad chose to get married on my birthday as he had forgotten it was birthday ( this hurt more then I can say) once he knew he changed it to the day before! But it still stings! It's my day and even tho I'm not huge on birthdays it's still the day I was born!

It's your sisters special day and stealing it from her sucks. You should know better! You might not be close but regardless stop being horrid and selfish!!!! If you go ahead font be surprised if she never talks to you again

Would you like your sister stealing your special day????

Horrible is all I can say!

trixymalixy Sun 20-Jan-13 15:04:44

stealing your special day?!?! hmm

Are people really this precious about birthdays? FFS

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 20-Jan-13 15:51:05


The OP is equally precious about a day that has no other meaning.

trixymalixy Sun 20-Jan-13 16:34:51

In what way is the OP being precious? hmm

She's not the one having a childish strop like her sister. It's a special party for their wedding, it's not a special birthday. If someone booked a party on my birthday, I'd just go out for my birthday on a different night, it just wouldn't occur to me to get pissed off about it. I'm baffled that people behave like that.

littlewhitebag Sun 20-Jan-13 16:39:02

Why is this even an issue. OP has explained why this date works best. We all have birthdays every year - surely her sister could suck it up this year. Anyway they can celebrate the birthday and the wedding at the same time. I am at a loss with all the negativity going on.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 20-Jan-13 16:47:11

as far as I can tell the sister is not having a strop she has said that she isn't going as its her Bday.

The OP is the one that is having a party when it is convinent for her and sod her sister.

The OP really hasn't said why it has to be this weekend other than she has other things on that she is not prepared to move.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 20-Jan-13 16:47:25

My mum got married on my DD's first birthday. I just had her party the day after.

pigletpower Sun 20-Jan-13 16:59:19

I am agog at the fact that OP's sister is not going to her own sisters wedding celebration because it's her birthday! What the hell. OP if I were you I'd hold your wedding party at the local ballpit so your sister and her little friends can 'celebrate' her birthday in true toddler style.

Trills Sun 20-Jan-13 17:02:09

IMO not going to a wedding party because it's your birthday is throwing a strop.

sherazade Sun 20-Jan-13 17:04:31

It's not really a wedding though is it? It's a party half a year later.

Sounds like the OP has come on here to brag about having winded up her sister; as clearly stated she is happy with the arrangement.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 20-Jan-13 17:05:09


your DD would not be old enough to know the difference and "her party" would in fact have been for you.

I suspect that there is a whole backstory to this that is missing, and the OP is coming across about as mature as your post.

trixymalixy Sun 20-Jan-13 17:07:31

Seriously, you don't think saying " why would I want to go to someone else's party on my birthday" is throwing a childish strop?!? I certainly think it is.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 20-Jan-13 17:07:35

Yup and i could have kicked up a stink about it being her 'first ever birthday' but i didn't.

Trills Sun 20-Jan-13 17:10:44

Refusing to go to a large family party (no matter what it is for) because it falls on the day of your birthday is throwing a strop

(unless you had something pre-booked already).

skaen Sun 20-Jan-13 17:13:44

The Op of cours hasn't bothered to say anything either about what makes that weekend the only possible one - e.g. why they have to have that one to accommodate their fortnightly commitment, holidays and every other thing they have going on in their lives.

If her sister will have to travel to go to the party which would mean her missing out on her preferred birthday celebrations then I don't see why what seems to be a reasonably polite refusal should cause the Op to throw her toys out of the pram.

MollyMurphy Sun 20-Jan-13 17:17:52

haven't read the whole thing TBH but off the original post I'd say your sister is being childish's just a birthday - they come every year and she is an adult FFS.

pigletpower Sun 20-Jan-13 17:39:53

Bloody hell Boney! Who's pissed on your chips?!grin

pigletpower Sun 20-Jan-13 17:41:22

Obviously some posters have their 'tongue in cheek' radar off today. Must be the weather.[hmmm]

pigletpower Sun 20-Jan-13 17:41:38

Obviously some posters have their 'tongue in cheek' radar off today. Must be the weather.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 20-Jan-13 18:00:30


I think setting a date that you know will piss someone off is childish and throwing a strop.


There are many threads about first birthdays that haven't been attended, you didn't kick up a fuss, I didn't go to my nieces first birthday and it is still brought up 12 years later.


Being a discussion forum I thought that we were here to have a discussion. grin

newNN Sun 20-Jan-13 18:02:45

I'm another one who cannot see what the sister has done wrong.

As has been said this is not a wedding. It's a party to celebrate a wedding which took place ages ago.

The OP has prioritised all her other commitments, so can't condemn her sister for prioritising her own birthday.

As is often said on threads, it's an invitation, not a court summons. OP has every right to have her party whenever she wants. The sister has every right to decline the invitation.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Sun 20-Jan-13 18:08:51

I read it as being a delayed reception ie a bit more significant than just "a party". Might've got that wrong though!

Foggles Sun 20-Jan-13 18:12:13

I wonder if the OP got married on Christmas Day.

After all, nothing else happens on that day.

(I know, I know, I am childish for liking Christmas)

DontmindifIdo Sun 20-Jan-13 18:17:07

Well, it looks like the sister actually went to the wedding itself, so I can't see what's wrong with not going to the party as well.

I really don't get how you can book a summer event this close to the date and assume noone will already have plans. A large number of people will have already booked their summer holidays or accepted going to other weddings. You'd have thought the OP would have at least checked the date with key people (both families, v close friends) first...

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 20-Jan-13 18:18:50

But it's a party 6 months this later. What are people meant to say 'congrats on being married six months?' Are you expecting more congratulations on your actual anniversary six months afterwards?

The OP chose that date as she had other plans. All of which are more important than her sisters birthday. Her sister is therefore entitled to think that her plans are more important than her sisters very delayed party.

I still don't get why you think that 6 months after you've got married people will care.

Lueji Sun 20-Jan-13 18:21:26

Whereas a birthday can be celebrated at any time, so does a wedding reception, particularly of a wedding that has already happened and the Sis went to.

The main thing is that the OP should have cleared it with the Sis, or simply accept that she might not want or be able to go.
It could have been another commitment.

trixymalixy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:23:29

boney the OP has said that it didn't occur to her that her sister would mind. It would have been childish if she had chosen that date deliberately to piss off her sister. She didn't and was genuinely perplexed that an adult would be that bothered about it, so not in any way childish.

You seem rather invested in this, are you the childish stroppy birthday princess sister by any chance?

And I read it as being a delayed wedding reception too so a bit more than just a party.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 20-Jan-13 18:25:54

The sister didn't just say she couldn't come

She said why should she come. THAT is childish

Anothercuppatea Sun 20-Jan-13 18:27:56

Just wanted to say, it wouldn't bother me if I was your sister. I don't see birthdays as a big deal. I'm clearly in minority though.
And I would have checked with her first if I had been in your position- seems polite to do so.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 20-Jan-13 18:36:12


The OP said that she was taken back by her sisters response, I'm taking that to mean that the younger sister usually just goes along and the OP gets her way.

The OP also posted that it would cause the mother some upset but the sister would be given time to come round to her way of thinking. So we have emotional blackmail and the OP's narcissistic tendencies, link this with her "I don't care" attitude and you can see why they aren't close.

"You seem rather invested in this, are you the childish stroppy birthday princess sister by any chance?"

the perfect response killing question, I could equally ask "are you a sock puppet for the OP"

The sister has said that she would rather go to her own party, she obviously has something planned and this has annoyed the OP.

ajandjjmum Sun 20-Jan-13 18:40:31

Well my SIL had the nerve to arrange her father's funeral on my birthday - how inconsiderate was that!!!

Jokes. I didn't give a monkeys, but suspect that comes of having had more birthdays than I would wish.

I would have thought a conversation explained why you were thinking of that date, before setting it in stone, might have overcome all the grief.

Fakebook Sun 20-Jan-13 18:42:43

I don't think YABU. My wedding was on my dn's birthday. No one really gave a shit tbh. One of my cousins had a birthday on that date too and they had a mini party around their table at the reception. I don't understand why people are telling you you're in the wrong and the weird assumptions of sibling rivalry is just hilarious!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 20-Jan-13 18:42:50


OR. Sister has nothing planned (6 months in advance, not a landmark birthday), Op has had no previous reason to think sis would be put out by attending a family gathering on her birthday, so forgets to run it past her, and sis is pissed

Bit much to call the Op narcissistic. Thoughtless, maybe.

trixymalixy Sun 20-Jan-13 18:45:08

Add message | Report | Message poster Sexolette Sat 19-Jan-13 17:18:10
Nice try Pinot, but neither.

It actually didn't occur to me that she would have a problem with it.

You see I read what the OP actually said rather than extrapolating wildly.

Binkybix Sun 20-Jan-13 18:48:36

I see what you mean Jamie - but I think it's the attitude that the (vanished) OP approached this with here that has got some people's backs-up - ie not accepting that it would have been polite to talk to the sister first, being clear that all her other commitments were also super-important, being uppity with people who disagree etc.

If the sister doesn't have/want to plan something specific then I agree she is being stroppy if she doesn't go, but if she does have something I think she's fine not to. She did go to the wedding itself, and a party 6 month afterwards does seem to be dragging it out somewhat.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 20-Jan-13 18:57:41

only have every other weekend free and have some other holidays booked in which mqke this the best date

It's not the only date, but as I have explained above it's the date which best suits us.

I'm not looking for another date

I am comfortable with my choice and thinky sister is being ridiculous.

Will see about patching it up once everything confirmed, more for my mum than anything else, She will probably change her mind nearer the time, or at least I will provide her the opportunity to do so.

Everything is on her terms even the patching up, she could even change the whole thing to another date but won't. Her sisters feelings have been completely dismissed.

But if you want to quote one thing that makes your point feel free to do so.

trixymalixy Sun 20-Jan-13 19:10:21

I was posting that quote because you said that the OP chose that date deliberately knowing it would piss her sister off and that made the OP childish. The OP genuinely didn't think it would be an issue.

You just carry on making up stuff up, I'm rather enjoying this.

I wouldn't be pandering to the sister either tbh, of it was the date that suited best.

hopeful92 Sun 20-Jan-13 19:19:00

I think everyone is being a bit precious about this. IMO, YANBU OP, in fact I think your sister IBU. If it's not a special birthday then what's the big deal? My brother went on holiday my 18th and took half my family with him! But that was the only week they could all do, so we celebrated my birthday the weekend after - simple!

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 20-Jan-13 19:22:16

"You just carry on making up stuff up, I'm rather enjoying this."

everything in the above post is a direct quote from the OP go and read it if you want to.

"I wouldn't be pandering to the sister either tbh, of it was the date that suited best. "

Good to know that you would be happy to upset your family.

hopeful92 Sun 20-Jan-13 19:22:21

Hehe it's making me chuckle how people are suddenly acting the psychologist on the matter - saying that there is sibling rivalry and reading into everythin the OP is saying. Don't read so much into things. It's not the OP being selfish here, it's the sister! IMO!!

Binkybix Sun 20-Jan-13 19:26:59

They actually both sound a bit high drama to me!

trixymalixy Sun 20-Jan-13 19:29:14

I agree hopeful, it's hilarious. Mumsnet can be bonkers sometimes.

Thankfully none of my family would act as ridiculously as the OP's sister.

Jacksmania Sun 20-Jan-13 19:31:00

Wasn't there a thread some time this past week (one of those annoying reverse AIBU ones) where the OP's DP didn't want to go to the OP's nephew's christening because it was his (the DP's) birthday?
The DP got an absolute pasting, with many of the comments being versions of "who the fuck has a birthday after age 10?" and "the DP has a birthday every year, the nephew is only having one christening''.

Where's that crowd today?

Why does the sister's birthday (every year) trump the OP's wedding party (only, hopefully, taking place once)? She's already explained why there are so few options available for the date.

Chunkymumma Sun 20-Jan-13 19:42:46

YANBU, your sister is. And childish too! I went to a friends wedding on my 30th birthday and didn't give a shit! Honestly, I just don't understand why she's being so weird. A one off wedding party definitely trumps a birthday - it's not even an important one. I can believe she said she wouldn't come, what a bitch!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 20-Jan-13 19:50:41

But the sister has already been to the wedding! This is a party 6 months later!

lougle Sun 20-Jan-13 19:59:38


I was a student when I got married. I had placements I wasn't allowed to rearrange. My DH had certain times of year that he wasn't allowed leave in. My Matron of Honour had recently moved hundreds of miles away (before the wedding, but after I had asked her to be MoH) and was only available on 3 dates. All that combined to mean that we could have one day in the entire year to get married. It was that, or wait an entire year.

I approached my DSis. I explained. She graciously told me it was fine, don't worry.

She had tears in the morning when we were getting ready.

She insisted on wearing a tracksuit top over the bridesmaid dress during the reception.

She made a point of leaving the reception early because 'it is my birthday, you know.', which would have been fine, had the reception not be finishing at 6pm, leaving plenty of time for her to celebrate.

She has never once wished us happy anniversary, never once given us a card even after 10+ years.

Every time she has a go at me, the top item on her agenda is that I stole her day.

Just don't do it.

Jacksmania Sun 20-Jan-13 20:06:33

lougle, I'm sorry, but your sister has ishoos shock

Chunkymumma Sun 20-Jan-13 20:09:56

Don't care if its the wedding ceremony or the wedding party. A wedding party is a one off and much more important than a 20 something birthday - unbelievably childish and spoilt brat behaviour from the sister. She needs to get a grip and realise birthdays aren't really that important!

wongadotmom Sun 20-Jan-13 21:34:05


Any date you choose is going to be somebody's birthday.

Members of my family have had a wedding on my 35th birthday and a funeral on my 22nd birthday.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to refuse to go just because it's my birthday - it happens every year ffs!

Your sister is being a dick

newNN Mon 21-Jan-13 09:34:55

For some people a birthday is a really big deal and for others it isn't. Maybe the sister has planned something really nice for that day and doesn't want to cancel it. The OP wouldn't know this because she didn't bother to ask - just assumed that her commitments were far far important than anything anyone else has going on.

I think we can all see why the sister wont come to the OPs wedding. It is glaringly obvious that the OP does not exactly come across as a very Nice Person.

Crinkle77 Mon 21-Jan-13 16:00:45

It would be if it were a special birthday but she sounds like she is a spoilt, jealous brat

jennybeadle Mon 21-Jan-13 16:03:23

I'd have been delighted if my sister chose my birthday for her wedding - a double treat! Aren't people strange...

Nothing wrong with it. Not a milestone birthday and she apparently isn't 3 years old so throwing a hissy fit is a bit pathetic IMO!

newNN Mon 21-Jan-13 16:09:20

She hasn't thrown a hissy fit - she has merely said that she won't be attending, which is fair enough.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 21-Jan-13 16:12:17

Where's the OP gone? I want to know why she's having a party six months after the wedding. Talk about dragging it out.

MarilynValentine Tue 22-Jan-13 10:37:01

Well, some people are strange jennybeadle But also, every family is different. You probably have a good relationship with your Dsis and are viewing the idea in that light. The OP doesn't have a good relationship with her sister it seems.

To just send out the date without a prior phonecall to her sister, or any acknowledgement whatsoever that it was her birthday, was unreasonable. I bet you wouldn't have done that to your sister!

The warm, considerate thing to do would have been to sent a nice note/called up saying, "We're thinking of having it on the _th, I know it's your birthday - do you mind? We can have a cake there for you!" Or words to that effect.

The OP proceeded as if she had completely forgotten/thought her sister negligible.

FrenchJunebug Tue 22-Jan-13 12:05:10

It's just a birthday. It comes every year. A wedding doesn't. YANBU and I speak as one loving birthday.

shewhowines Tue 22-Jan-13 12:52:27

I think it would have been polite to ok it with her first. Now it might be a good idea to say " sorry I didn't realise but we have no choice because......"

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