to find the kids annoying when I've had them all day?

(232 Posts)
BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 14:12:19

I'm a SAHM. DH leaves for work at 7am and arrives back home at 6pm. Up until recently DH would take the kids to the supermarket for an hour when he got home in every evening to give me a break. An absolute lifeline for me. Now, he doesn't want to do that anymore. During our argument I said to him that after having the kids all day, I find them annoying. To which he responded, "Do you hate motherhood that much?!"

So, AIBU to find them annoying after having them all day? Does this mean I 'hate motherhood'? By the end of the day I feel touched-out, exhausted, irritable and in need of some breathing space. The kids are 2.5 and 12 months. I'm still BFing the 12 month old.

JeeanieYuss Sat 19-Jan-13 14:14:25

Whats he meant to do at the supermarket every night for an hour?
Couldn't you just have a break upstsairs for a bit?

katiecubs Sat 19-Jan-13 14:16:31

Gosh no - they can be really annoying!!

Get your DH to try it!

usualsuspect Sat 19-Jan-13 14:16:36

He takes them to the supermarket every night?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 19-Jan-13 14:17:12

Black I find my daughter annoying sometimes, i love her to bits, shes my heart and soul, but shes a PITA, i dont hate motherhood, sometimes you need time a way. Its understand that you get fed up, we all do sometimes dont feel so bad.

landofsoapandglory Sat 19-Jan-13 14:17:14

WTF was he meant to do with a baby and a toddler in a supermarket for an hour every evening?hmm.

It is tiring looking after DC all day, but why does he have to take the out every night?

usualsuspect Sat 19-Jan-13 14:17:28

YANBU to find your kids annoying though grin

thebody Sat 19-Jan-13 14:17:37

Well I couldn't stomach going to the supermarket every night. How boring for the 3 of them.

Just get him to take over the bed time story, run a bath and pour a large glass of wine, light candles and add bubbles.

I know this wont help at all but they won't be little for long so hang on in there.

TickleMyTitsTillFriday Sat 19-Jan-13 14:17:58

That must cost a fortune! Yanbu though, kids can be amazingly irritating after a whole day.

How old are they?

Fairylea Sat 19-Jan-13 14:18:11

Nope. I feel the same.

But I don't think it's reasonable to expect your dh to take them to the supermarket every night when he's been working and out of the house for 11 hours!

Can't he do bedtime and bath and you go for a walk ?

usualsuspect Sat 19-Jan-13 14:18:24

Can't he do bath and bedtime to give you a break?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 19-Jan-13 14:18:41

Why not shut yourself away in your bedroom for an hour.

FirstTimeForEverything Sat 19-Jan-13 14:18:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mine are 9m and 2.3, I dont think YABU to want an hour to yourself in the evening, plus I would imagine your DH like to spend some time with them before they go to bed?
But making them go out is probably a bit much grin

TickleMyTitsTillFriday Sat 19-Jan-13 14:19:35

Oh god sorry I see how old they are! Hand them to him when he gets home and have a break.

If he has been at work all day then that can be his quality time with them.

lljkk Sat 19-Jan-13 14:20:07

yanbu.

That's what baths are invented for. Sure, after an entire day they're very irritating but it's not sensible for them to go out every night - it's dark a d cold and frankly the supermarkets a bit crap every day.

Headphones and a tv programme on the computer/kindle will also give you a break.

ginmakesitallok Sat 19-Jan-13 14:22:25

Of course yanbu to need a bit of time to yourself, but yabu to expect him to take the dc out every day, like others have said can't he just do bath/bed? o y and my kids drive me bonkers sometimes too if I've had them all day.

impty Sat 19-Jan-13 14:24:41

ynbu

It gets easier as they get older, though.

MammyKaz Sat 19-Jan-13 14:24:54

Agree YABU to expect them to leave the house every night, but YANBU to be fed up after a full day with them. I love DD but man she can push all my buttons - unfortunately DH is rarely home before bedtime so I'm in it till she's in the land of nod. But when he is then he plays, does bath & milk & tbh I'm happy just cooking dinner in peace.
<dons 50's style pinny>

goldenlula Sat 19-Jan-13 14:25:35

YANBU to find the children annoying sometimes (maybe not every night though) but Yabu to expect your dh to remove them from the house each evening to take them to the supermarket. He could entertain them in one room while you have a break in another room, or both work together to get them to bed then you can have a break in the evening. Or you could go for a walk or to the shop.

gordyslovesheep Sat 19-Jan-13 14:29:58

yanbu to find them annoying - that is fairly normal

yabu to expect him to take them to the super market every night - can he not just do bath time etc while you watch TV for an hour?

Fakebook Sat 19-Jan-13 14:34:21

Yanbu, but really, sending them to the supermarket EVERY night is not the answer to your problem. It must be crap for your DH too. Known fact: children hate supermarkets!

Why can't you just relax by yourself upstairs or sometimes go out somewhere when he gets in? Surely you want to leave the house by yourself too?

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 14:37:55

YANBU

having to be the entertainer, carer, chef, cleaner-upper etc for the same two people 24 hours a day every single day is exhausting mentally. and yes, annoying.
because you never get a break.

I don't think he should necessarily take them out every night though
What he should do is take over the childcare for at least one hour - basically, he should look after them, sort out their wind down and bedtime routine, change them etc, and give yo ua break.

I have DD (so, one 13-mo) every single day, and when DH gets in from work at about 2/3pm, I make him take her - I make him change her and take her away from me while he makes the sandwiches.
and then he does most of the nappies for the rest of the day.

By the time he gets in at lunchtime my mind is frazzled

PandaNot Sat 19-Jan-13 14:39:11

YANBU, but I can't imagine why he would have to go to the supermarket every night! My DH does the bath, story, bed bit of the day when he comes in because he's not here for the getting ready for school bit of the day. I sit down with a cuppa and watch the news etc or disappear to our bedroom and read for a bit. I wouldn't make them leave the house.

AmberSocks Sat 19-Jan-13 14:40:07

yabu

supermarket for an hour every night?does your husband get an hours child and work free time every night too?

MsVestibule Sat 19-Jan-13 14:47:01

When mine were that age, I'd find them annoying 5 minutes after I'd got out of bed, never mind by 6pm! But why does he have to take them to the supermarket every night confused? Why can't they stay in the house while you escape to your bedroom/gym or go for a walk?

Yfronts Sat 19-Jan-13 14:50:08

Can't he just bath them and read them a story at home?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 14:50:53

To answer some questions:

There's a little cafe in the supermarket, and they generally just browse around.

As for 'just going upstairs' - we live in a tiny 2 bed flat. So apart from him taking them out, what can I do? Sit in the bedroom a few feet away from where they are?

Also, another of his arguments is that he never gets a beak, cause he takes the kids for an hour after work. Which is a point. So what now? sad I try to explain that changing from an office job to looking after kids is at least - a change. Whereas if I don't have an hour I am literally doing the same job for 24 hours, every day, and my mental health can't take it. Am I just a weak, pathetic woman?

"yanbu to find them annoying - that is fairly normal"

Why does he think that means I 'hate motherhood'? It's not like I never show pleasure in my kids.

Feminine Sat 19-Jan-13 14:50:59

The supermarket? confused

truly?

Feminine Sat 19-Jan-13 14:51:26

Ok, just saw your latest! smile

Feminine Sat 19-Jan-13 14:52:36

You just need a break.

Its normal, with that age group it must do your head in.

See if he will do the night routine instead maybe?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 14:55:06

What do I do in this tiny 2 bed flat?

Also, what about the fight re: he doesn't get a break so why should I?

''Its normal, with that age group it must do your head in''.

Mine are annoying at 5,7,9 and 13 after a whole day of them! Much nicer when it was nearly bedtime by 6pm!

WileyRoadRunner Sat 19-Jan-13 14:56:05

I'm sorry, i really wanted to be supportive but all i can think is hmm YABU. Not about finding them annoying, my children are very annoying BUT an hour every night - really? At a supermarket?

What time do they go to bed? Mine go to bed at 6pm if i am fed up 7 o'clock on the dot. This is the only thing i will NEVER budge on. After that i sit on my butt watching TV.

TBF i am quite hands off on Saturdays - but my husband enjoys this as he doesn't see the girls much in the week and does f-all round the house to help. Plus it serves as a good reminder to how bloody hard and draining it is being with them in the day.

It is difficult but i think expecting your husband to take them out after a day at work is a bit much. Especially to a supermarket!

Can he just help with bath and bed? And do more at the weekends?

TheWalkingDead Sat 19-Jan-13 14:58:04

YANBU about finding them annoying and I don't think that admitting that means you hate motherhood, just that being at the beck and call of two, completely dependent children for the whole day is annoying.

YABU to expect your DH to take them to the supermarket every evening. Surely you can just shut yourself away for a bit with a book or something?

My DH works nights so after helping get the children ready in the morning he goes to bed for 7 whole hours of undisturbed sleep envy. I know he would prefer to work days, but he likes his job and the people he works with, he gets an hour of scheduled breaks plus the time he has just chatting to workmates without another person (or two in my case) demanding his attention all the time, so after we've had dinner and tidied up, he deals with their bedtime routine and I come back to story time and putting to bed a less frazzled mess.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 14:58:07

They go to bed at 8.30.

By the way, the supermarket idea was his. He doesn't like it anymore now.

WileyRoadRunner Sat 19-Jan-13 14:59:31

Re: the argument with your hubby about "break" time - does he have a lunch hour everyday?

Bet he can go to the toilet on his own too!

(Meant to add above YANBU to want a break)

What's wrong with sitting in a room just a few feet away from your family? I've done this many times when I've needed a break even its just reading a book with head phones on, it has given me much needed headspace.

I think you both need to compromise and you both need to talk to each other. I don't think I'd like to lug my kids round a supermarket every night when I've been out the house working for eleven hours either!

manormuppet Sat 19-Jan-13 15:00:10

Why don't you go out for a walk/run/coffee for an hour every other evening? Surely that time of day is dc's bedtime?

WileyRoadRunner Sat 19-Jan-13 15:00:32

They go to bed at 8.30

I think that's very late. Could you pull it forward so you get a chance to sit down for a good stretch in the evenings?

Trazzletoes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:00:37

Holy mackerel! Get them to bed earlier then. Bedtime routine here (3 and 1) starts at 7. They're in bed by 7.30 and the wine is open 8.30 is pretty late for those ages, IMO.

manormuppet Sat 19-Jan-13 15:02:16

1.earlier bed time for d.c's.
2. Take up a hobby outside the home one or two evenings a week.

And it also sounds like you are both point scoring, not good.

I do sympathise with the feeling fed up with your kids thing. I'm now a single mum bringing up 4 dc and by bed time I'm climbing the walls sometimes

Dozer Sat 19-Jan-13 15:03:09

Yanbu to be in need of a break and feeling that way with DC that size, but yabu on the supermarket. Maybe you should go out for a walk, or stik headphones in or something! And maybe not every weeknight, as bedtime routine is much easier with two.

Your DH is bang out of order with his comments about you and motherhood, actually quite manupulative: rather than asking why it's hard/listening he's implying that you should feel guilty / are inadequate. Not nice. He needs to have a go doing what you do for long stretches of time.

As for him needing a break, unless he has a very, very stressful job, that's rubbish. He may well get a tea/lunch break and will probably also have some autonomy over how he spends his time. And he is not bf and (I bet) not up anywhere near as much in the night.

I work PT and find it tough, but would find it much harder being a sahm.

FunnysInLaJardin Sat 19-Jan-13 15:05:00

YANBU and you do need a break. We will take it in turns to have an hour at the gym or go for a walk on out own while the other looks after the DC. And yes bedtime for our 7yo and 3yo is 7pm

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:05:49

does he have a lunch hour everyday?

He says he doesn't. Se says he works through it. I, of course, can't validate this either way.

And yes, he can go to the toilet on his own at work, but when I mention this, he doesn't think its a big deal sad it fucking is.

What's wrong with sitting in a room just a few feet away from your family?

I can hear them crying and screaming, and I know DH will be fuzzling with resentment.

I think that's very late.

It works for us. We're not a morning family.

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:06:48

If he doesn't want to go out, and you need an hour to yourself (which you can't think how to fill in a 2-bed flat) then just go out yourself! Go for a walk, go for a run, go to the supermarket and have a coffee . . .

If you're in the flat, I suggest headphones and reading/listening to music/watching a TV programme on laptop so you can't hear 'em. Make sure DH knows the kids are not to disturb you for 1 hour. Job done.

On the 'hour to himself' issue, i agree with you that his commute, tea breaks and lunch break actually add up to his hour alone. Plus I imagine night-wakings are probably down to you? So all in, one hour to yourself not unreasonable, imo. However, you could use your 'hour to yourself' doing something he'd consider 'work' e.g. admin tasks for the family (online bill-paying with a little MN on the side, p'raps?) or whatever you might have to do when child-free and then you're having a 'break' but not 'free time luxuriously all to yourself'. It's all about how you sell it...

My 2 are similar gap to yours (just about a year or so older) and I too am exhausted, frazzled and touched-out often. Sympathy!

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:06:49

i don't think 8:30 is late.
it's only late when you start having to think about school/nursery.
if they're at home all day 8:30 is fine.

WileyRoadRunner Sat 19-Jan-13 15:07:56

Well TBH it sounds like you want some magical solution.

If you both want a rest at the end of the day then get them into bed earlier.

Or if you want an hour to yourself get up before them.

YANBU - I couldn't be a SAHM, it would drive me nuts (but I am lucky to have the option of working which isn't practical for everyone).

Are there any other ways for you to have a break? Could you go out in the evenings? DH and I take turns to do things in the evenings.

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:08:36

He does get a break - he gets a menatlly stimulating break.

he gets to go to work and be with adults - adults who don't expect him to look after him all the sodding time - adults who are quite capable of getting themselves a drink, or food, or going to the toilet.

he gets to talk to people who can understand him, and whom he can understand.
he doesn't need to teach those people anything.

(obviously scrap this if his job is teacher...)

Fakebook Sat 19-Jan-13 15:09:14

When I want a break I normally sit in the same room reading or catching up with TV programmes on iplayer, but dd in particular is told that its "daddy time" and that any game/role playing she want to do, will be done with her dad. Last night I was on the sofa watching Eastenders and dd and DH were on the floor playing pictionary on her magnetic board and ds (12m) was just pottering around. You can still have a break even if you're in the room if your DH makes sure he "takes over" from you properly.

cashmere Sat 19-Jan-13 15:09:40

Let them stay in but lock yourself in the bathroom with a book/magazine/phone.
Then he should keep them occupied so you're not disturbed not play half heartedly. Or he should give them a long bath buy some new bath toys/bubbles etc and you can sit elsewhere.

I think the key is if he stays in he has to work really hard to stop them pestering you.

Other 'outside' idea- put them in buggy and walk to chipshop/corner shop looking at the world in the dark (my toddler loves this).

YANBU I think you just need a bit of brain space. I expect he gets this getting ready for work (shower in peace?),travelling to work, drinking tea at work, using the toilet at work and possibly even 30 mins peace for lunch!

Another idea- could you go to supermarket and read a mag in cafe some nights?

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 19-Jan-13 15:10:29

Can't you go back to work, at least part-time? If you think of it as something you do for sanity rather than to earn money, you only need to earn enough to cover your childcare costs.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:10:49

it also sounds like you are both point scoring, not good.

Yeah I agree. "Competative tiredness" I think they call it. It's a never-ending battle of 'who has it the hardest' and I'm fed up.

Your DH is bang out of order with his comments about you and motherhood, actually quite manupulative

That's what my gut was telling me. I take motherhood very seriously so for someone to say that I hate my full time job, it just devalues everything I do. I feel like my job is nothing to him. Cause apparently if I'm not jumping around like Mr Tumble, then I hate motherhood? If he really thinks I hate motherhood, why is he happy having me take care of HIS children all day????? Would you let someone look after your children if you thought they hated it????

giraffesCantGoFirstFooting Sat 19-Jan-13 15:11:11

what do you do during the day? do you have lots of friends to see with them?

TheWalkingDead Sat 19-Jan-13 15:11:27

Sorry x-post with you OP. I think you will have to invest in headphones or earplugs and just hide away - we also live in a little house and I can hear the DCs all the time, but at least a door s blocking them off a tiny bit.

I understand what your DH is saying, but presumably he gets a lunch break? And can have a chat with colleagues? So he can read a book/listen to music for at least half an hour? I know that during a whole day with both children I can spend maybe 10 minutes not doing what they want....which is the time I use to wee and have a shower! Can you compromise on half an hour each if your DH won't do an hour? He could watch them for 30 minutes when he comes in and gives them a bath or dresses them in PJs, then you take over for storytime?

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:11:59

"Also, what about the fight re: he doesn't get a break so why should I? "

plus,
(on top of my previous points)

he gets the journey time to and from work where he can wallow in his own thoughts for as long as he wants.

It's a shame you're BFing, because you could go on a week's holiday, making him take a week off work, and leave the kids with him all week.
then see how he likes it.

he gets to go to the toilet on his own, and not have little people following him in (or crying because they can't and you've left the room for 2 seconds)
he gets to make himself a drink in peace, food in peace, he gets to eat that food without having to clean up bits that have been thrown all over the floor

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:14:08

He does get a break - he gets a menatlly stimulating break.

He'd snap your head of for suggesting that. I envy him sometimes. I would love to have productive days, intellectually challanging days, where I get STUFF DONE.

sweetestB Sat 19-Jan-13 15:14:11

I think you should probably change your routine, find some activities to do with the kids out of the house in the morning, start the day earlier and put kids to bed earlier, so you and your h can relax and enjoy yourselves more.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:14:58

obviously scrap this if his job is teacher...

His job is a team manager of a team of computer geeks.

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 15:15:17

YANBU to want a break for an hour.

YABVU to expect him to take them out to the supermarket every night after he gets in from work.

Why don't you try going to the supermarket every night knowing you aren't allowed to go home until the hour is up and see how you like it!

If you can't relax in your flat, you really need to find somewhere else to go if you need space.

Agree that the DC going to bed earlier would help as well.

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:16:03

I don't think 8.30 is spectacularly late (ours in bed 8pm, often stretches past) but I'm trying to move it forward to 7.30pm. It got to 8pm as DH wanted time with the kids and is not back from work till 7pm. So their bedtime was to accommodate his desire to spend time with them.

So in my situation, I would certainly feel that 1 hour off from the kids as he walks in the door is my right!

If he wanted them up and me still entertaining them with him until 8.30pm then that wouldn't happen - I'd be setting their bedtime when it suited me. Would that be a solution, OP?

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:17:29

team manager of computer geeks, who presumably know how to dress themselves, go to the toilet on their own, make their own food, conduct conversations that actually make sense, can work without being told what to do at every stage, can make him a coffee if he's snowed under, answer the phone for him if he can't, do things for him when he asks, keep quiet when he needs to concentrate?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:20:21

I expect he gets this getting ready for work (shower in peace?),travelling to work, drinking tea at work, using the toilet at work and possibly even 30 mins peace for lunch!

Finally! Some people that get it. I'm crying reading this. He equates his work with mine. Some day he says his work is harder, some days he says they are on par. Yet I feel suffocated and exhausted by the end of the day. I can't imagine he feels the same - the feeling of being a slave, of being literally chained to these two creatures, of having given everything you can possibly give, and have nothing - nothing left to give. Like being completely drained.

what do you do during the day? do you have lots of friends to see with them?

I have to go out at least once a day or the kids will literally climb the walls of the flat, fight, etc. So I go to soft play, toddler groups, shops, etc. Although with the snow mounting up I am shitting myself.

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 15:20:22

I don't think it's helpful to imply DH's job is easier than the OP's, or vice versa.

They are both doing jobs that are important and demanding in their own ways.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:20:46

I completely understand about it getting irritating, it does, because as you say you're doing the same thing all day everyday and it makes a person insane!

I've done the two kids in small flat thing and know what you mean about not being able to get a break and some peace. Its like being in the same room so what's the point.

I do think the supermarket everyday is too much, you need to do something different each day. Perhaps one you go for a run or a walk, one you pop to the shop, one you stay home and look after the kids together, one he gets to go for a run or something etc etc.

That's probably why he's got fed up of it, because he's doing the same thing after work everyday, although you could point out the similarities to how you feel. It a little ironic that he is criticising you for finding doing the same thing draining at the same time as complaining of doing the same thing!

Anyway i sympathise. I love my children with every bone in my body but am a better mum for having the occasional break. Not that i get it much! But i notice the difference when i do.

Work can be hard too but small children can be draining in a way all of their own. I think its because you have no control over your day. You can't just wee in peace or pop to the canteen for ten mins or surf the web like some people can at work.

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 15:22:20

Do you not think he feels any pressure?

Having to be the sole breadwinner of a family of four?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:22:52

team manager of computer geeks, who presumably know how to dress themselves, go to the toilet on their own, make their own food, conduct conversations that actually make sense, can work without being told what to do at every stage, can make him a coffee if he's snowed under, answer the phone for him if he can't, do things for him when he asks, keep quiet when he needs to concentrate?

I'm glad you get it. Why doesn't he?? He resents me for being weak sad

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:24:26

*Do you not think he feels any pressure?

Having to be the sole breadwinner of a family of four?*

Yes, so what should we do?

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 15:27:20

I've made suggestions. But I'll reiterate...

Firstly, don't try and point score about how much harder your job is.

Secondly, don't expect him to take the kids out to the supermarket for an hour each day when he gets back from work.

Thirdly, you should be the one to remove yourself from the situation you've been in for the last 11 hours. Go out for a walk, to see a friend, to the shops, to the pub, to the library, to a Salsa class, to the supermarket...whatever floats your boat.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:27:26

Mutt. I would imagine he does but that's not the issue at the moment.

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:29:44

Being charitable, it is hard for him to understand when he does not have the same experience you have i.e. how often does he parent the children for a whole day/overnight wakings/then the following day on his own? Not often, right? Probably, most of his time with the kids is also with you, at weekends or whatever? So he just won't be experiencing parenthood in the way that you are currently.

Do you get any time alone (nights out) to yourself? Does your DH? If no, start there.

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 15:30:08

fuckadoodle - I disagree. Recognising that each other's jobs are hard in their own way will help.

Point scoring will only lead to further resentment.

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:34:07

basically, he is being a selfish git, and really needs to rtake his head out of his own arse and put himself in your shoes for a little bit.

and to be understanding towards you.

I only have one child to deal with, but by god! does she get on my last nerve sometimes!

like now, she's mobile enough to have climbed up the stairs and has been throwing magazines down the stairs.

I have retrieved her and put the magazines away twice in the last 10 minutes (with a bit of a delay on my response)
I have now put a barrier over the top of the stairs and put her and the magazines further onto the landing so she can't throw them (because sod's law says eventually she would be throwing herself, and I can't see round corners)
she'll be happy enough until she gets lonely and wants to come downstairs, whereupon, she'll start whingeing, screaming or crying and going "muimimimiimimimimimiimimi" until I fetch her.
then she'll be clingy for about an hour, then she'll be hungry and thirsty and want a nap.
but she won't go down for a nap, she'll need feeding to sleep, and then she'll sleep on me.

so that's your 12month old dealt with.
now let's add your 2.5yo.
i don't even know what 2.5 yo do, but I have storytime on a tuesday, and I have a couple of 2.5yo at that. after 1 hour of storytime, it takes me an hour to tidy up because they've been running round the shop, pulling stuff off shelves, playing with the toys and "tidying up" (because 2.5yo version of Tidying up might as well just not bother!)

and that's before I've managed to get myself a drink.

If I didn't have DH coming in at lunch to make me a sandwich and a cup of tea, I would be eating nothing all day and just giving DD her food and drink.
and if i get hungry once she's decided to BF!!!
well, there's no chance, i might as well die.

So what happens when your 2.5yo is bored, hungry, thirsty when you've just settled down to BF your 12mo? you can't get up, can you? which means you'll have a nagging, whingeing 2.5yo calling for you for an hour, or you'll get up and help her whilst the 12mo is (very heavy) trying to stay latched on. which will just annoy and hurt.
so, you manage to get something to entertain the 2.5yo. (providing she hasn't already helped herself to the contents of the kitchen or bathroom cupboard)

What time is it now? about 1pm?
how long till DH gets home? 5 hours?
oh good, maybe in that time you'll get to go to the toilet.

but wait, you really need a poo, and 12mo is being clingy, but you can't put him down because he'll cry, so you take him to the toilet. and getting trousers/tights/knickers down whilst holding a baby is sooo easy.

and because your pelvic floor is shot from birth, you can only poo in a certain position, so either the 12mo goes on the floor and screams or you squash him.
and in the meantime, 2.5yo is sitting in front of you saying random things like "why is the sky blue?" "it's cold isn't it mummy" "why is your bum hairy?" "I'm going to have ice cream on the moon tonight" etc
and then randomly runs off and starts making noises from elsewhere when you can't see what she's doing, and you certainly can't move! so you sit for 5 minutes panicking about what mess you'll have to clear up,.
and 12mo has decided you're now uncomfy to sit on, so he wriggles and writhes to be put down and then decides to ransack the bathroom just out of your reach.
then you stand up to wipe yourself (that's presuming that this time you've actually finished your poo).
you never knew a 12mo could move so fast - before you've finished wiping and pulled up your knickers, he's got his hands in the toilet bowl - you haven't even flushed!!

now you've got to wash him (and the floor)
and you still don't know what your 2.5yo is up to, but she's yellling mummy so loudly, it can only be a tin can on the head (or the bin)

.....................................

yea, i can see how you don't need a break when he gets in from work hmm

catwisd Sat 19-Jan-13 15:34:49

Do you have any plans to return to work?

FantasticMax Sat 19-Jan-13 15:37:49

I feel for you, I get that it's hard to get a proper break when you live in a small flat.

In your situation I would leave the house for an hour myself, perhaps go for a walk or to an exercise class, or even to this supermarket cafe with a book and drink some coffee. I think it's unfair to drag two small children out of the house so close to their bedtime when they're probably grumpy and tired.

I would also bring forward bedtime to 7pm. I would view the time between children going to bed and me going to bed as my break. And just suck it up during the day. Do both children still nap? Presumably the 12mo old still will? Stick some cartoons on for the older one and rest with a cup of tea on the sofa.

I work 4 days a week in a professional occupation, and I have similar hours to your husband. From my point of view being at work IS a break. Yes it is stressful but it's a different type of stress to dealing with the kids all day. Do you think you might benefit from doing some PT work and enjoy the mental stimulation?

I don't like what your husband said about you struggling with motherhood. Not very supportive. You can still love your kids to bits but want to tear your hair out at the same time!!!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:41:28

Mutt. Its not about point scoring. They are both under pressures but different pressures that have a different effect. His feeling of being responsible for bringing home the bacon doesn't affect the ops feeling of going insane if she doesn't get any peace. It doesn't affect it in anyway.

He can still take the kids off her hands without it making his feeling of being the breadwinner any worse.

The only way the op can help him with his, is to go back to work and somehow earn enough to cover the childcare of two kids. Something which neither of them might want anyway.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:41:36

So who is BU?

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:41:49

I do agree that you should leave the flat, too, actually.

it means that you dictate how long your break is for.

and make sure he does the bedtime routine before you get back.

sometimes, I go upstairs to do something and take DH the nighttime stuff, and then disappear for half an hour.

he usually gets DD ready for bed, but sometimes he doesn't think about it, and if i return and she's not ready, I'll turn around again and disappear.

I get frustrated when DH doesn't think about my need for a break, but he wouldn't be so cruel as to tell me i don't need one!

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:43:03

You are NBU in your need for a break.
he is NBU about not wanting to take the kids to the supermarket.
He is BU that he won't take over the childcare for an hour when he gets home.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:44:44

So what happens when your 2.5yo is bored, hungry, thirsty when you've just settled down to BF your 12mo? you can't get up, can you? which means you'll have a nagging, whingeing 2.5yo calling for you for an hour, or you'll get up and help her whilst the 12mo is (very heavy) trying to stay latched on.

Yes that's exactly the scenario sad Luckily I put her in her 'chair' to have her breakfast whilst I BF or else she would be climbing all over me whilst I try to feed her baby brother.

Do you have any plans to return to work?

I don't have a job to return to. I graduated from uni then got pregnant. DH uses the "you've never worked a day in your life" card regularly.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:45:51

I don't like what your husband said about you struggling with motherhood. Not very supportive. You can still love your kids to bits but want to tear your hair out at the same time!!!

Do you think it was said with malace or could he really think that I hate motherhood?

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:46:15

YABU if you ask him to take out 2 toddlers to the supermarket at 6pm EVERY day.

YANBU to require one hour's break at 6pm EVERY day.

DH IBU to say you are "weak" and "hate motherhood".

DH IBU if he thinks he should get an hour to himself on returning from work.

you need to reframe the conversation...

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:47:53

it means that you dictate how long your break is for.

I think he'd be pissed off if it was longer than an hour. And as I don't drive, actually walking somewhere (pub, gym, where ever) I'd get there then have to come straight home.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:49:00

I think you both are. Him for what he said and not understanding how draining it is, and you for expecting to get to stay in the house/ expecting them to go to the supermarket every day.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:49:15

you need to reframe the conversation...

Can you give me an example

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:49:40

cycle there and back?

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:50:36

I've just seen that you are relatively young if you graduated then got pregnant - early twenties? Is your DH the same age? Aging isn't brilliant but it does give you perspective that can sometimes be lacking when you're younger. (God that sounds patronising, I genuinely don't mean it to.)

Do you want to do any further study/training etc for a career? Perhaps it would be good to pursue something?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:55:22

DH uses the "you've never worked a day in your life" card regularly.

Well that's not nice! angry I think i would use that as incentive to get a part time job, even just a Saturday job so that you can come home and say it was piss easy in comparison!

Or perhaps point out that he's never done a day looking after his children all by himself either!

(did you never have a part time job?)

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:58:26

Reframe the conversation
I mean, you need to stop telling him how exhausting motherhood is (which it is! But you just need to underemphasise that for a bit) and tell him how much having a break means to you, how much you appreciate him spending such quality time every day with the children, how it makes for a happy household and how you appreciate that he's tired too, and often stressed, but that once you get a break you can help him with the stressful elements of life by having the mental energy to plan and shop and cook and clean and etc.

I know this might sound like you're pandering to him. But really, when you can look past just what YOU need, and try to see what the other person needs, then it often means they are willing to meet you in the middle, instead of being entrenched in your opposing positions.

There is a compromise to be had for you both. But do tell him that it hurt your feelings that he implied that you were not good at motherhood. Try to be calm, and not accuse each other of anything, just let him know how you FEEL.

And get out of the house, for some leisure time on your own, at least once in a while. Your DH should too.

BarnYardCow Sat 19-Jan-13 16:00:15

No, YANBU. It is totally full on all day, apart from Dd2 nap time, and I feel the same.By number 4, I made sure I had some time away, even just to get a shower or get dressed in peace.

Meglet Sat 19-Jan-13 16:03:08

yanbu. I'm currently locked in my room with a cup of tea as I'm at breaking point. The kids are watching cbeebies.

Can you take up running? I run for my life whenever someone has the kids for a bit.

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 19-Jan-13 16:05:06

If you find FT motherhood so intense and feel exhausted and touched-out your words) at the end of the day, why are you still BF a 12mo? Would stopping that, at least during the day, make your days slightly less draining?

Feelingood Sat 19-Jan-13 16:07:30

No YANBU spending all day with anyone is annoying and day after day has a cumulative affect.

If my DH is away I take them out after school pick up so at least I'm not in all four walls in house

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 16:09:16

Holla - that's really not a helpful comment.

the WHO recommends BFing to at least 2 years, so let's stick to that.

sometimes, the break of BFing is the only sane part of the day.

hmm

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sat 19-Jan-13 16:11:46

When I need a short break (leaving dc with dh), I often make myself a coffee, put it in one of those coffee-to-go mugs and take it out with me on a walk. if it's not -10 or tipping it down, it's fine. I sit on a bench, stroll along by the river, etc.

I'm not surprised he doesn't fancy the supermarket every evening any more, and (this is going to be controversial) I think an hour's break a day every day is a luxury with dc that age, as useful as it is, but I really don't like the sound of him 'playing the "you've never worked a day in your life" card'. What do you mean by that? Is he financially controlling?

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 16:12:53

Really you both need to gets the idea you deserve a break out of daily expectations. You have to children under 3 and it is shit. It will get better.

You can't have it at both ends of the day either - you said you are not a morning family which suggests your two are not up at 5.30 to begin the daily torture. So get them to bed earlier and there you have your break. But you will lose it at the other end of he day - which is more important to you ?

Have a night each off - say from 6.30 to do with what you want -even if that is lying in bed within headphones watching iPlayer.

And think about what you want to do longer term. If it is to return to work then start planning how, when, what. If not, think about how you can cope longer term with SAHM, look at hobbies, home study maybe to provide some stimulus.

It is hard and you do have my sympathy but stop niggling at each other and try to work together.

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 19-Jan-13 16:12:55

You need to get a job outside the home Op.
Being a SAHM is clearly not for you.
And that's not meant to be judgey at all, BTW.

UnderWater Sat 19-Jan-13 16:13:38

Black you need to organize something where you will go away for the day during the week end. And he will have to look after them for the whole day (even better if you can make it overnight) and he will have to deal with day to day issue such as being sure the washing is done so he can shirts on monday etc...
Do it a few times.

This guy has no idea of what it means to look after 2 young children all day long. And because he doesn't he is just buying into the fantaisie that 'being at home with kids is easy'. 'If you don't like it, then you are have issues with motherhood/you don't love your dcs enough'.

Of course, going to work and then looking after 2 dcs is hard. But then parenthood was never supposed to be easy either and what he is doing is just being a parent to his dcs.
If he think he should have a break during the day, then fine but ensure you also have a break during the day. Impose it (just like he is doing) and see how he feels about it.
I am not talking about scoring points but surely if he needs a break from 'his job' then surely you deserve one too?

I think your DH does not understand how mentally, physically and emotionally draining being at home with 2 young children actually is.

And maybe you don't understand how hard he works and the pressure that is on him.

It's not about who has it harder. But I think your DH needs to understand that being a SAHM is not a 9-5 job, it's relentless. Whereas he may have a hard day, at least it finishes at a certain time.
Your day doesn't have an end time does it? You can have the day from hell, with screaming, tantrums, mess and you can't think "oh well at least it's nearly finishing time"

If I were in your situation I would either a, bring bedtime forward. However, it seems bedtime suits you so then in that case I would agree with your DH that for 2 evenings a week he takes the DCs out for an hour. Doesn't have to be the supermarket, maybe a walk or a drive or visit friends/relatives. Then 2 evenings a week you could do the same. Go shopping, go for a walk, go to the gym.

And the final weekday evening you spend together. Do the bath/bed together etc.

Would that work?

Oh and just to add, please don't question yourself as a mother. I work full time simply because I could not be a SAHM to 3 DCs. I just couldn't do it.
I love my children with every single part of me and now they are teenagers it's less relentless monotony (but more drama) but I would have been a terrible SAHM.

Yes, it's been hard working full time and getting everything done, especially when they were small but the commute to and from work, with headphones and a book was blissfull. A full 27 minutes twice a day to just...sit.
And your DH gets this time. And you deserve it too.

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 16:15:28

Fecking iPad - excuse errors.

UnderWater Sat 19-Jan-13 16:15:37

oh and I agree that being in the bedroom 2 meters from crying dcs is NOT a break.
(His travel to work, lunch time, coffee or tea break are all breaks though, however small they are)

Fairylea Sat 19-Jan-13 16:20:33

Bedtime needs to be earlier. Much earlier, like 6.30.

Perfect timing for dh to do it smile

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sat 19-Jan-13 16:23:22

I agree with LadyBeagleEyes after rereading some of your posts, OP. What is your degree in? What's the job market in the field like? Could you freelance for a few hours from home and put the dc in nursery/with a cm a couple of mornings? Even if what you were earning only covered childcare at first?

I've been a FT WOHM with dh a SAHD, I've WOH PT while he's worked flexibly, largely from home (academic research), now he is FT in a very stressful and responsible job and I work PT, mainly from home, and freelance on the side. In my own experience, WOTH is - at least in some jobs - harder than SAH. It's not just the job itself. It's the constantly having to have your professional face on, perhaps dealing with workplace politics or working with people whose personalities you find difficult, being under pressure to achieve a certain quantity or level, the pressure of bringing in a vital income... SAH can be relentless and tough but you are, at least, on your own territory.

You sound pretty overwhelmed and I think you do need some balance in your life, in terms of getting away from the dc a bit, and (as I posted above) I don't like the sound of some of what your dh is saying, but I do feel a degree of sympathy for his position (not necess for him!) too.

cashmere Sat 19-Jan-13 16:24:30

Could you afford driving lessons? It would give you peace once a week. Once you passed you could use the car in the evenings or even get a 2nd/use his in the day to get out and about.

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 16:24:43

See commuting really isn't a break in my world; nor are these fictional lunch and coffee breaks referred to.

Well not any more than the 10 mins when child 1 is watching Cbeebies and Child 2 is feeding (and in my case when at home Child 3 is destroying something).

Or the 20 mins after walking home when they are both sleeping.

There are natural points in the day with small kids when things chill out; perhaps plan or schedule the day to get some peace then?

Will your DH still pitch in when home just isn't keen to take them out?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 16:30:40

sometimes, the break of BFing is the only sane part of the day

I agree. The BF before bed is the only time I sit down.

What do you mean by that? Is he financially controlling?

He gives me an 'allowance' every month. It's quite reasonable.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 16:32:22

This guy has no idea of what it means to look after 2 young children all day long. And because he doesn't he is just buying into the fantaisie that 'being at home with kids is easy'. 'If you don't like it, then you are have issues with motherhood/you don't love your dcs enough'.

That's exacti what's happening. So what can we do? Or are we fucked?

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 16:35:03

You keep asking "So what should we do?", "So what can we do?"...

You are being given lots of helpful advice, suggestions and perspectives.

Have you read them?

nextphase Sat 19-Jan-13 16:35:24

No, your not hating motherhood, just need a break - like others have said, he gets time when he drink hot tea, sit on the loo for 5 mins in peace, and gets a couple of different places / roles every day.

I think asking him to take over every night it quite hard going, and understand why you'd like him to take the kids out, but could you go out sometimes? Arrange a hair cut, manicure, wander round a shopping park that is open late, go to the gym / swimming / exercise class some nights?

Some nights he can go to the cafe, some nights he needs a break. Its really tough going isn't it? And the men just don't understand (well, mine started to when I went away with work for a week, and he got to do EVERYTHING!)

CBeebies is your saviour to try and get 15 mins (and this from the woman who's oldest didn't watch TV til his brother arrived!)

Boobz Sat 19-Jan-13 16:35:58

YANBU. I have a full time nanny and they still drive me to distraction. As today is Saturday and my nanny is off, and DH is away on a business trip, I have had all three of them (3, 2 and 10 months) all day on my own and I put them to bed at 6pm! 6! Just for a MOMENT'S PEACE.

Supermarket cafe maybe not great idea - can you pop round to a friend's house or even the local cafe for a hot choc and a magazine just to decompress of an evening whilst he starts bed time?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 16:36:03

Guys, re: coffee breaks at work, DH says that, if he wants to get away by 6pm, he has to work through all his breaks. He says that the company (a big accountancy company) give too much work. Does this sound plausable? He's on 52k

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sat 19-Jan-13 16:38:24

Yes, it sounds very plausible. Big firms have a long hours culture. On that kind of salary you are expected to put in the graft, and that means no working 9-5.

theykillhorses Sat 19-Jan-13 16:39:11

With kids that age you are both exhausted and need to be kinder to each other. It will pass. You are not fucked.

theykillhorses Sat 19-Jan-13 16:40:25

My kids had dinner at five, then bath, then bed by 6.30...then I got a break. All evening.

charlottehere Sat 19-Jan-13 16:41:38

That was a harsh thing for DH to say. shock I would and do feel touched out some days by the time DH gets in. I wouldn't want to go to the SM every night, seems a bit pointless. How about going upstairs for and hour, hot bath, lie on bed and watch the tv? Or in the summer DH can take them to the park.

TeaOneSugar Sat 19-Jan-13 16:42:16

I often don't get a lunch break, I'm in a meeting or just working through to meet a deadline.

Lunch is sometimes eaten in the car in between meetings or during a meeting.

I need to get finished in time to pick dd up from school, so if that means missing lunch that's what happens.

We don't have tea breaks, someone might make a round of drinks every so often or you grab one when you can.

OmgATalkingOnion Sat 19-Jan-13 16:43:39

Yanbu. When mine were that age it was me that'd go to the supermarket for an hour or so whilst dh would put them to bed. I know it seems a weird place to go for a break but just that bit of time - maybe a drink in the cafe - would clear my head a little.

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 16:46:35

he might have to work through all his breaks, but i bet he still has time to grab a drink, to go to the toilet etc.

grab the breaks where you can.

he still needs to give you a break from them in the evening.
he can have his break when they're in bed.

Or - if you do bring the bedtime forward to 8pm (it's only half an hour).
then you could do things like make dinner (can be a proper break if the kids aren't there with you) while he looks after the kids, then do the bedtime routine together (or let him do it)

make a schedule that you can bot hstick to.

do it tonight.

factor in:
him looking after the kids for at least an hour at least 4 times a week.
him doing a whole half-day with them at the weekend.
both of you having at least half an hour every single day to do what you want to do.
you having a whole hour to yourself at least 4 times a week.
you and him having time together at least 4 times a week (which is why it's handy to have an earlier bedtime - because even eating a meal with wine together without the kids is good for your relationship)

cashmere Sat 19-Jan-13 16:47:27

Maybe start couch to 5k? Then you'll have a timetable of escapes. I think your DH can wait till after bed for his wind down time.
My DH is very good at taking over when he gets in but this is only after he has been to the toilet, changed, had a drink... and 'prepared' to take over... this takes about 15 mins so is a 'mini break' could your DH do the same?

charlottehere Sat 19-Jan-13 16:48:03

Oh I see you live in a small flat, so upstairs isnt going to happen unless your friendly with the people upstairs and bring wine grin

As another SAHM who today is at breaking point with looking after DCS I know what it can be like. sad I have had a meltdown and shouted at my very gobby 11 year old who yes is blood annoying at times and then cried because DH was taking too long fixing the lights nd the baby was cring. blush This soon will pass...........

I intend to drink wine for the next 18 years for breakfast wink

charlottehere Sat 19-Jan-13 16:49:27

The couch potato to 5k is a good idea.

impty Sat 19-Jan-13 16:50:23

Its really easy to get competitive when you have very young children. Who has the crappiest day. Who is the most tired. Who works the hardest.

You both need a break. You both need to work out how you can get time off for fun. You need time on your own, and time off as a couple (often easier said than done) for hobbies, relaxation and fun.

Being a Sahm is hard for lots if people. I suspect your dp might need to spend a whole 24 hours doing your job to realise this. My dh didwink

Once you have sorted time off for both if you, you might think about doing more outside the home. Driving lessons? Freelance? Write a book? Take up knitting?

It will get easier. Just try and make a plan.

charlottehere Sat 19-Jan-13 16:53:46

It does sound like a lot of competitive tiredness going on there. sad No I don't think your fucked. You both need to find a way to have a bit of space. DH leaves at 6.45 and gets back at 7, he mostly doesn't have lunch breaks. He watchs programmes ha has downloaded on the train for a bit of a break and goes for a quick drink after work on a friday. I am currently mumsnetting in bed and know i need to make more time for myself. So hard. <sigh>

Pandemoniaa Sat 19-Jan-13 16:58:07

When I was a manager in the public sector there's no way I had time to take formal coffee breaks let alone an hour at lunchtime. It's fairly standard practice but at least your DH can get away by 6, OP, and doesn't have evening meetings.

I've also had experience of being married to someone who preferred to be competitive about who had had the most stressful or busy day. I wish I could offer a solution but I got divorced when our dcs were 6 and 5.

What I wish I had done, a lot earlier, was to disengage from the competition in the first place and keep repeating "We both work, it isn't a competition but don't forget that raising children is a 24 hour per day job. Which is why it has to be shared".

I can see why your dh wouldn't want to spend an hour in a supermarket every day too. But that doesn't mean he can't look after your dcs after he comes home from work. Just don't be tempted to take over at the first sign of discontent. Run a bath, read a book in it. Make yourself unavailable for an hour. That'd be a start. Although I also think evenings would be a lot more relaxing if your dcs went to bed earlier. Mine were fed, bathed and in bed by 7 at that age (as is my 2 year old dgd now).

Annakin31 Sat 19-Jan-13 16:59:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annakin31 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:02:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amirah85 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:05:00

But OP does have the time to grab a drink etc?the husband is working thru all his breaks its no walk in the park is it?does the baby never naps?does the toddler never sits to watch tv,color or whatever?being home with the kids can be hard,but can't stand all the victim actitude.they go to bed at 8.30,can't OP have time alone then?disclaimers:I'm a SAHM,in a 2 bed flat. Not saying its always easy but it really isn't 24/7 like some people like to make it.

charlottehere Sat 19-Jan-13 17:06:05

Annakin Posters ie me can joke about what they like, you may not like it or think its advisable but thats another thing. <slurps more wine> hicup

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 17:07:03

amirah - my baby naps.

but i can't have a drink (unless it's this bottle of water that is always next to me) when she does nap, because she naps on me

in fact, right now, I'm bursting for a wee, but i can't move because if i do, the baby will wake. sad
i am absolutely desperate for a wee!!

Annakin31 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:10:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lavenderhoney Sat 19-Jan-13 17:12:04

Op, I was in a similar situation than you a few years ago, mine are now 5 and 3. I also bf til 2yrs. my dh left at 9 and got back about midnight, still does. He supports us and I am a sahm.
I don't think you can ask him to take them out- what I would suggest is you might want to rethink your routine in the evening. When he gets home he could bathe them and do stories ? I assume they eat about 6? Then you can go for a walk or tidy up/ watch a bit of tv. If they make a noise its because they are having fun. If you think its too much, you could go to the cafe. Then it's bedtime at 7 giving you both some time.

The other thing is rethinking your daily routine to get out to a few toddler groups as letting them play whilst you chat and relax with a book ( keeping an eye) will be ok. A nice walk everyday about 3.30, after naps and after a snack will help get them off.

I found I had to update my routine to allow for their getting bigger and my needing to get out and about. There is also no harm in putting the tv on for 30mins for cbeebies and reading the paper.

At weekends he could take them for a walk or to feed the ducks. Staying at home is hard, but you can make it fun, and really, dc on bed and asleep by 7ish will really help you.

LadyMetroland Sat 19-Jan-13 17:12:19

That 18 month age gap is a killer. I've been there. One positive is that it won't be this hard for much longer. Baby and toddler is v intense.

Once the toddler starts preschool it will become easier. Could you afford to pay for her to go earlier than 3? A lot of pre-schools will allow them the term before they turn 3. You'll also have to put her to bed earlier once you've got a school run to consider. Having a proper evening without kids is so valuable.

DH and I had similar competitive tiredness arguments. I think it's common when kids are so small. There isn't really a solution. Having a break is a luxury. You have both been working all day and both feel entitled to a break. I would just work at trying to get them in bed earlier with your DH helping (he do bath and pyjamas while you tidy up - at least that's kid-free time for you). Then you can enjoy an evening with no kids.

Like I've said - it will get better. I am about 8 months ahead of you. 3yr old at preschool for 4 hrs every day. 20 month old has pm nap giving me child-free time, and is also at an age where she can play by herself for short periods. Life getting a lot easie now.

amirah85 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:12:46

Am no saying there are no hard times,there may be some days when one doesn't nap,the other is in a bad mood etc...but generally?nickel,can't u normally go to toilet when babys's awake?bring him in with u or something?ukwim??

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 19-Jan-13 17:13:27

I agree. Get a job.Although Mr "never worked a day in your life" will probably still patronise you,
And FGS go out at the end of the day! Find a nice cafe, sit with a book for an hour, or call a friend, or go to the gym.
You should be the one leaving the house.

charlottehere Sat 19-Jan-13 17:15:26

Annakin I wasn't suggesting mixing the baby and the wine together, that would just be odd and prehaps a bit bad for their skin. confused

Dozer Sat 19-Jan-13 17:25:13

Would he be actively supportive of you getting a job? Or would it be a case of "you won't earn enough to cover childcare costs", "you will have to drop off / pick up / cover sickness as my job is essential"? Or even "the DC need you at home"?

MarianneM Sat 19-Jan-13 17:30:07

YANBU!!!!

You DH is, massively!

I work, DH is SAHF and if I'm alone with them for 1/2 day sometimes at weekends I often find them annoying!

gordyslovesheep Sat 19-Jan-13 17:30:38

personally I would work to get an earlier bed time routine - mine always did bath at 6pm , milk and story, bed at 7pm

we still do in the week - the eldest stay up an extra hour

as a lone parent i NEED a break in the evening

that may help you both get more of a break

MarianneM Sat 19-Jan-13 17:31:25

And how dare he say to you "Do you hate motherhood that much?!"

I bet he couldn't cope at all with being a SAHP!

MarianneM Sat 19-Jan-13 17:34:05

Sorry to keep posting, but the age of your children too...it's very trying to look after two little ones that age for such long days on your own!

The age gap between our DDs is the same, and when I was on maternity leave with DD2 (although my mother was around to help most days) I would often be waiting by the door for DH to come home grin

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 17:41:06

You see, leaving DH to be a 'SAHM' for 24 hours won't cut it. He needs to experience the relentless 24/7 slavery that we SAHMs experience every week for months on end. Which obviously, can't happen.

I feel like we're fucked sad

PariahHairy Sat 19-Jan-13 17:44:36

What happens at the weekend? Getting a few hours alone in a chunk sometimes helps more than an hour a day. I know what you mean, it is mentally exhausting not getting a break from them. Your older one will be entitled to the free nursery place soon.

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 17:44:47

OP you are not listening.

Lots of good ideas but you both need to try and find a solution.

That isn't him coming home 5days a week and taking the kids - cause that ain't fair either.

If you don't work together then you will be fucked.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 17:45:27

Re: napping, they won't nap at the same time.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 17:47:07

I agree. Get a job.Although Mr "never worked a day in your life" will probably still patronise you

I know. If I get a PT job, he will stay say "but you've never worked a FULL days work in your life", then if I get a FT job, he will say, "but you've never worked for 52k in your life"

I will never win sad

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 17:48:25

lol MarianneM thank you.

LingDiLong Sat 19-Jan-13 17:48:25

You're not fucked but you both need to be a lot kinder to each other and a lot more empathetic. You are rightly angry that he doesn't 'get' how hard it is being home with young children and yet you don't seem to believe him when he says he works non stop without a break. Why should he believe how hard you work when you are unwilling to believe him?

I totally get your need to have a break but there are many, many different ways to have this AND for him to have a break too. And I don't think it's unfair of him to suggest he has a break sometimes actually. Working a long day then going straight into childcare mode sounds pretty shit actually - especially if it's night after night.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 17:49:11

By the way folks, DH said that if he was alone with them all day, by 6pm he WOULDN'T find them annoying.

BooCanary Sat 19-Jan-13 17:49:36

YA both BU.

Your dh is being mean, but you are also sounding petty and unreasonable tbh.

There's some great advice OK n thus thread, but you only seem interested in hearing responses echoing your feeling that your dh is solely at fault. What you should be focussing on are solutions and a decent agreed routine. For example, you say you don't drive, so why not arrange a driving lesson for 6pm once a week, whilst your dh looks after the dcs.

Fwiw, competitive tiredness/sah vs woh is pointless. Depends on type of work, behaviour/characters of dcs, personalities of wohp and sahp,etc etc.

And BTW, my dcs drive me bonkers a good deal of the time. And from c.5pm onwards I have an ever decreasing tolerance. Getting them in bed at 7 is the only way I cope. And tbh I clock off at 6ish once dh has had 10 mins sit down and cuppa after work. I hide out in the kitchen 'preparing dinner' listening to the radio and mning whilst dh does bath time. I recommend it!

baremadness Sat 19-Jan-13 18:24:34

How do you work your weekends?

It sounds like you are fresh from a fight and both on the defensive and unwilling to listen.

Does dh drive and you not? How about taking some driving lessons. Then when he gets home YOU have the freedom to get out. Maybe he could do the food shopping once or twice a week. There is middle ground here. Hibu for sayong what he did but working full time IS hard work too and expecting him to get in and head straight back out again every night is bu too.

amirah85 Sat 19-Jan-13 18:25:57

I used to have a later bedtime when they didn't need to go to school etc,it doesn't mean u can't have a break.hiding in the kitchen making dinner whilst DH play/give bath/read a story/whatever with the kids its a very good idea,I do that often.unfortunatly I think u r just too busy playing martyr to look for actual solutions.if going to work its so much better/easier,then go find a job.honestly...

gordyslovesheep Sat 19-Jan-13 18:26:58

By the way folks, DH said that if he was alone with them all day, by 6pm he WOULDN'T find them annoying

so do that!

amirah85 Sat 19-Jan-13 18:29:24

And the slavery that "we" SAHMs experience!I take it ur an adult and chose to stay home with your children?slavery!get a grip

impty Sat 19-Jan-13 18:40:03

Your dh doesn't know how he would really feel though does he?
Look, you're not fucked. You are BOTH exhausted. It's really crap but lots of us have been there, survived and are here trying to help.
You BOTH need a rest. Together make a plan to get some. 30 minutes each night each would make a massive difference.

mam29 Sat 19-Jan-13 18:40:47

I feel for you op my 3 done my head in last couple days.

Thursaday my husband worked 12pm until 2am friday morning

so had to pick up dd1 age 6 school pushing dd3 21months in buggy.
drop her off gym, pick up dd2 3 from nursery go back gym pickn up dd1 take all 3home feed them, story, bath, bed homework then tidy all by myself.

Dd2 and dd3 dont sleep through night .dd3 21months constantly wants boob.

dd2 age 3 has no patiance
dd3 keeps throwing things down toiliiet and into everything eh shouldent be,
dd1 is lazy and messy and argues a lot with both younger ones moans shes bored is cheeky and kicks off nearly every meal.

school was cancelled yesterday.

hubby despite getting in at 2am went to work 7am got back around 4.
today hes working all day.
waited in for sky guy whos not turned up
kids trash every room they go into
rowed

baby wont stop crying.

cant go loo in peace

feel like had enough today

roll on bedtime.

I love them but they been too much.

babys keeping me up most nights and started feeding like a newborn again.

I live in small house where they follow me everywhere.

currently have 2/3 in bed and husnands tea in oven,

feeling bit poorly and just want to go bed today..

My 3year olds been doing nursery since 18months 1 day a week hoping start 21month old soon as have no family here or freinds that help.

My mil only wants to see 1 child at a time .
sometimes he will take 2out at atime but rarly 3.

I used to go running get a break.
sometimes linger in driveway too long putting rubbish out just to get some peace
or when hes home say im off out round the spar.

feel suffocated at times I love them dearly.

when he comes home moans about house want to slap him.

whats he like on days off? assuming he gets 2 a week?

does he take them to the park then or out to see family?

I love my kids became sahm by accident as childcare as too expensive aim is to go back least part time work so starting up my on business this year but jan flown by what with xmas hols and snow.

fuzzpig Sat 19-Jan-13 19:01:23

I agree that you should be the one to leave the house. Even just stick your earphones in and go for a walk. Or walk to the supermarket, grab some shopping and get a cab back?

I take it he works mon-fri? How about getting a Weekend job? Or, as you don't have work experience yet (he's being a total knob to be slating you for that BTW) what about volunteering, say in a charity shop? No experience required for that. I started when my boob-mad DS was just a little older and he was fine (I was out about 10-6 on Sundays).

AmberSocks Sat 19-Jan-13 19:10:51

it doesnt sound like you enjoy being a sahm.its normal to get annoyed by them and need a break sometimes but every day for an hour,something is not right.

could you find a job you are interested in or go to college.

BsshBossh Sat 19-Jan-13 19:18:45

Does your DH do the bath and bed routine alone (aside from the baby's BF)? What about the weekend - does he take over sole responsibility for a good chunk of time?

SunbathingintheRain Sat 19-Jan-13 19:24:12

Why do you keep saying 'we're fucked'?

What do you think about getting a job?

There is no shame in wanting something other than childcare in your life. Find the balance that suits you best.

Would you be interested in studying some more from home if not working? Maybe you could do that for 'head space' whilst DH has kids, eg at the weekend?

WileyRoadRunner Sat 19-Jan-13 19:28:04

And the slavery that "we" SAHMs experience!I take it ur an adult and chose to stay home with your children?slavery!get a grip

amirah85 i am going to break the rules and say this:

Aren't you the one who posted about smacking your child when she wouldn't get into the car seat?

Try and have a bit of sympathy to someone else who is also going through a frustrating time. You were shown a lot.

OP you definitely need some time out and i do think getting the kids to bed earlier should be high on your list of priorities. Perhaps that way your DH can go out one evening a week, you will have time to sit down together AND you will get much needed time to yourself.

This period will not last forever. Your DH does not understand being at home all day mine thinks i watch Jeremy Kyle and This Morning all day. You are frustrated that he gets to have a bit of freedom even if it is only going to the toilet alone which you haven't done in 2.5 years.

Try not to become resentful about it and damage your relationship with your DH. Things WILL get easier. Perhaps look at nursery for your older one?

plantsitter Sat 19-Jan-13 19:32:57

I totally get where you're coming from. Most people get a break at some point in the day. Many people get a break every day for an hour. It can be suffocating especially when you can be spending a good deal of the night with them too. It's not about hating being a mother it's just about a rest - or even a change.

When you go to work you get time to yourself on the commute. You get to go to the loo. You get to finish conversations and cups of tea. You sometimes have a 'to do' list and actually complete some of the things to do.

I managed to convince DH how difficult I was finding things by basically having a mental breakdown but I wouldn't go that far. You could reframe it that the kids are missing out on seeing him, and that he is missing out on seeing them grow every day.

Having said all that, I wouldn't fancy the supermarket much with 2 little kids much fun in the evening. Is there somewhere you can pop out to for an hour before bed?

amirah85 Sat 19-Jan-13 19:47:27

Wiley it was me.never said I was perfect,I make my mistakes and find my challenges in parenting like everyone.and I did say that its hard at times,but calling it a slavery!and finding your children annoying at the end of everyday day?that is something else.

plantsitter Sat 19-Jan-13 19:55:10

Wow you mean there are people who don't find their kids annoying at the end of every day? Even SAHMs? Blimey.

The OP has an 18 mo gap between her children. When you're breastfeeding one and the other is clingy and demanding and the house is always a mess and there is no structure to the day and then your OH doesn't appreciate how hard it is when he walks in with no sick on his top looking like he has been having intelligent conversations with grown-ups all day - it can feel like slavery.

And I have always found 'get a grip' the most judgemental and least helpful expression ever. Where is this legendary grip? How does one acquire it?

littleducks Sat 19-Jan-13 19:57:49

I definately found my children annoying at the end of the day every day when they were both under 3 and dh was working abroad.

I used to:
*go out somewhere every morning, baby groups were good as you got to see the same mums and made 'acquaintances' if not friends
*all get into bed together to try and get an after lunch nap in
*I put them to bed early (but had no dh coming home wanting to see them)
*put kids in creche for 30 mins a week while I went to a postnatal gym class
*when my kids got a bit bigger I got a saturday job (in a library)
*when they were a bit bigger still (and I was slightly less knackered) I took upan evening class

I would suggest you look for an exercise class, maybe one where kids sit in the buggy and you push it round a park? Go to your children's centre and see if there are any activities/classes that would be good for you.

amirah85 Sat 19-Jan-13 19:59:56

By being a grown up!everyone finds kids annoying from time to time,everyone has an hard day where baby cries a lot and toddler refuses to cooperate,and partners should appreciate the others work.but there is this and there is the all "feeling sorry for myself" thing.if going to work its so much easier,then do it.but then u would be complaining how much harder it is going to work when u have children.

Smudging Sat 19-Jan-13 20:03:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BooCanary Sat 19-Jan-13 20:06:18

I don't think the posters who keep harping on about how much harder the op has it compared to her H are helping. There is no way of measuring who has it hardest, and there is nothing to be gained from the 'who has it hardest' competition.

Op should be focusing on solutions.

plantsitter Sat 19-Jan-13 20:07:14

Part of being a grown-up is being honest with yourself about how you feel and what you need to do to make yourself feel ok, for the sake of the whole family.

I just don't think telling someone to grow up or get a grip or pull yourself together or whatever is particularly useful advice.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 20:10:43

When you're breastfeeding one and the other is clingy and demanding and the house is always a mess and there is no structure to the day and then your OH doesn't appreciate how hard it is when he walks in with no sick on his top looking like he has been having intelligent conversations with grown-ups all day - it can feel like slavery.

Precisely! Not being able to empty your bowels, not being able to have a drink, wiping the poo off people's arses, answering their every beck and call, crawling around on hands and knees picking up rubbish only to have a platefull of food thrown all over it, and feeling trapped through lack of 'work' experience and expensive childcare = slavery. If you don't understand this - 'get a grip'.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 19-Jan-13 20:12:27

The thing is OP, yes, he may well still patronise you, BUT, I do think that a job would be good for you in that you would get some balance in your life.
I needed to work, as I am so not cut out for sahm-hood. That's nothing to be ashamed of.
Right now, I think you both need to calm things down, and then have a reasoned discussion about you working part time for your own sanity.
Obvs, if you do this, some things will need to change for both of you. You have to support each other, not compete (she says as a die-hard lone parent who know fuck all about being in a couple with kids grin).

LingDiLong Sat 19-Jan-13 20:15:22

Ok, ok, OP, we get it, it's HARD. Most of us have been there. But you are not engaging with anyone who suggests that it might be hard for your DH too or that there are other solutions - if this is how your conversations with your DH go then you may well be right that you are fucked.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 20:15:41

I don't think a job is the answer - as he will claim that his is harder.

Op I really feel for you- my four are 13m, 2.5, 4 & 5. Only one in school.

Yes I do feel fed up most evenings. It really is never ending and tiring.

Came to a head recently with dh when I said I have got to go back to work so he eventually agreed to that & I'm going to do some supply teaching.

Although its going to be with more children it will be great for me & I cannot wait.

I agree with posters saying yabu to get him to go to the shop every night with them.

meglet is right with the running suggestion I also literally run away sometimes!

How about signing up for a course once a week? A longer break and some mental stimulation all in one go.

BooCanary Sat 19-Jan-13 20:17:40

But what do you intend to DO about it OP?

Everyone agrees you have it hard. Most of us have been in the same situation, and it SUCKS! But you need to wrestle back some control, formulate a plan, and ensure you are neither a slave nor a martyr.

baremadness Sat 19-Jan-13 20:17:55

Thinking things are hard and saying it is like slavery are 2 completely different things.

Being a sahm is HARD but it is a choice (in this case). She could get a job. She could get a hobby. She could learn to drive. She could take a bath while he had the kids. There are things they could do. It is a choice.

ChasedByBees Sat 19-Jan-13 20:18:44

Do you have any family nearby that could help out - watch the kids while you have an hour just reading or something? I agree that getting him to help with the bedtime would be good. It shouldn't be work for him in a sense, it'll be the only time he spends with his children in the say so it could be good for all of them.

AyeOopMoose Sat 19-Jan-13 20:20:20

OP I get you absolutely. I have a 2yr old and a 9mth old. It is relentless and tiring and you lose track of who you are. So on that front YANBU.

Like you, I used to think that DH should come in from work and give me a break. This caused lots of arguments and we were trapped in this cycle of saying awful things to each other and just weren't together. It was dire. Your DH sounds like he's said some awful things but is this "him" really or point scoring?

We decided to go to couple counseling as we were just going round in circles and not listening to each other. Having a 3rd party there has really helped us to listen and consider the other person's perspective. Could you try this?

I hadn't realised that DH felt huge pressure to support us all financially and then when he got home I was whining, for want of a better word, and he thought he couldn't win. He listened to how I felt about giving up my career and the resentment I felt even though I loved the DC completely. It wasn't rocket science but it helped us to view this stage as something we are in together.

FWIW we have agreed that it's not practical for DH to always be here to help everyday (leaving work earlier than 6 is frowned upon + a 45 min commute and the DC are all bathed and in bed by 7pm) but he does take over for half a day at weekends and the rest of the weekend we share things together.

DH is relieved that I'm not resentful everyday and I look forward to my half day!

I'm also going back to work pt as I need some mental stimulation. Could you consider childcare to do the same? (I'm still bf too but am hoping to cut down to just am and pm feed by the time I go back to work). Even just 2 half days a week could make a HUGE difference, if money isn't an issue do some volunteer work, anything where you can mix with adults.

BooCanary Sat 19-Jan-13 20:20:46

Xpost Ling!

I don't think a job is the answer - as he will claim that his is harder

But OP, have a think what is the real issue here. Is it really about who has it the hardest? Him actually admitting you have it the hardest, doesn't actually make things any easier for you does it?

The real issue is how to make things easier for you, how to give you more personal time, and how to make you feel more in control of your destiny!

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 19-Jan-13 20:22:04

I don't think you are really listening OP, with respect.
He might complain his is harder. Tbh, if you dont have much work experience, you will have to start at a fairly low level, and his probably will be harder.
BUT, It will be a step on the path to a more balanced life for you.
One where you get to be around adults for a while, assess what you really want, and bring in some money of your own.
Now, stop focusing on the negative, and what your DH may or may not think, and think about what you want.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 19-Jan-13 20:23:17

X post BooCanary!

MarianneM Sat 19-Jan-13 20:24:05

This thread is a good reminder for me to always appreciate my DH's work at home when often I find myself complaining about untidiness etc!

Having been on maternity leave for a year with both DDs but now back at work I can say that working is MUCH easier than being a SAHP! Looking after children all day is relentless!

And OP, I think this comment from your DH is just terrible: "you've never worked a day in your life". Presumably that was his choice too that you staid at home?

mam29 - your post made me want to laugh and cry!

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 20:24:25

Well maybe just maybe OP he is job may be harder. Or not but why assume that yours will be.

You are ignoring any reasonableness suggestion presented to you. We get it, you are pissed off.

But to describe the choices you have made as slavery is completely overstating the position, no grips needed thanks.

Also if you use the same terms with your DH then I am not surprised he asks if you hate motherhood because you sounds as you do. I hope that this attitude doesn't come through in your interaction with your children.

You don't like your current life so fecking change it - you can do that.

girliefriend Sat 19-Jan-13 20:24:39

Yanbu to find the kids annoying by the end of the day but this is why most kids are in bed by 7pm!! So parents can calm their frazzled nerves and pour themselves a large wine grin

It sounds like you need to rethink your evening routine, get your husband to come in and do bath and bedtime while you take yourself off somewhere.

skullcandy Sat 19-Jan-13 20:29:15

my dh works shifts, it means that every two weeks in 3 i am completely on my own all day, every day, i operate as a single parent because his contribution to the household during the weeks he works Afternoons and Nights is ZERO.

it means i have to adapt my day to get a break when i can.

tv
walks
going to visit friends and relatives
nap times

I'm also not so selfish to think that its ok dumping the kids on my DH the minute he walks through the door on the week he is able to help with them.. i let him get in, unwind, have his shower, and then i leave him to it with them while i go and cook or do something in another room with the radio on for half an hour. But i don't get a real rest until after they're put to bed, at 7.30pm.. and we're not morning people either!

If you are in such a state by the end of the day that you need to hand them off for an hour rather than wait until after bedtime then you need to rethink your day and your routine.

I do understand what you're saying, i often feel frustrated and 'touched out' and just like i want to run and hide just to get 5 minutes peace, but its my responsbility to sort that myself.

Get them to bed earlier
go for a walk for 15/20 mins when your dh gets home
make sure you get time of a weekend to have a few hours to yourself.

KhallDrogo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:39:11

Yet don't you go out when he gets home? Have toy got a bike? Are there buses? Do you have friends you could visit?

Yet don't you get a part time job to break up the monotony, which you are struggling with?

How are weekends, do you get a break then?

Your life is not harder than his...you are struggling with the drudgery

KhallDrogo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:43:30

Yes, your 830pm bedtime is not working for you as a family. The kids need to be in bed earlier

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:47:36

amirah85Sat 19-Jan-13 19:47:27 Wiley it was me.never said I was perfect,I make my mistakes and find my challenges in parenting like everyone.and I did say that its hard at times,but calling it a slavery!and finding your children annoying at the end of everyday day?that is something else.

Really? That sort of judgement from someone who had such a bad day that they smacked their child?! You think calling it slavery (which it can feel like sometimes) and being fed up at the end of the day is worse than that?!

I've got to say the bedtime might make a big difference.
If the DCs were in bed by 7pm you would have a few hours to yourself before bed.
Does that not sound like an acceptable compromise?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:55:00

Op. So what if he were to say that his job is harder than any part time job you can get? Would he actually say that though? Just out of the blue? What like "ah you're home, oh well you've got a piss easy job anyway"

Or do you mean who had the hardest job would come up in conversation? Because that's really weird. Is he, or you, naturally competitive? Because its strange to compare things like that. Its natural more when ones at home because the jobs are so different and its a large adjustment and often the one at work doesn't understand what the one at home does, but if you both have jobs why would you compare how hard they are?

Is he dismissive of the things you do?

I had an ex like that, if i did well at something he would say i did well because it was easy or that someone else had done it. Actually i had another ex who would sabotage me and my career. Ah the memories.

KhallDrogo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:55:28

No fuckapoodle it really cant feel like slavery hmm

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:56:11

At that age i put mine to bed at 7.30 i think. Its crept up to 8 now they are a few years older.

What time do they get up in the morning?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:58:19

Really? So no one on here has ever thought "oh god i feel like a slave"?

Of course not a real actual slave with the terrible things that slaves endured, but then no one would think that was what i actually meant because that would make them thick as pig shit.

amirah85 Sat 19-Jan-13 21:01:37

Are we having a my life is harder then yours competition as well?i had a hard day n smacked my dd,so?seen a problem ,came on here,looked for solutions.that what i had to do to solve my problem.good for u if u never had a bad day! op is not looking for solutions apparently just a lot of Poor you's.

TheCountessOlenska Sat 19-Jan-13 21:02:49

Um - not sure what to advise but I work weekends in a shop and DH has DD. Yes we miss out on whole family days together at weekends but then again I get to earn my own money, drink coffee, go to the loo in peace, and have a lovely half hour lunch break smile

Viviennemary Sat 19-Jan-13 21:12:25

YANBU to want a break if you have been with small DC's all day. But I don't think it's reasonable to ask your DH to take them to the supermarket for an hour. Could you not just when he gets in make you both a cup of tea and then you disappear upstairs for say 45 mins. I don't think they need to leave the house.

What does he do woth the kids on weekends?

Could be do the bath/bed routine?

KhallDrogo Sat 19-Jan-13 21:23:38

Oh! Not an actual slave.....you mean the kind of slave who has a house and small children to look after, and a husband at work all day...that kind of slave. Fuck off

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 19-Jan-13 21:33:45

Actually Nickelbabe I think my suggestion of dropping daytime BF for the 12mo may be helpful in this case given the OP's description of how frazzled and touched-out she feels at 6pm. It's not up to you to tell other people what advice to give hmm but given your completely ridiculous earlier posts on this thread I can see why you'd take that attitude (not able to go for a poo? letting your child sleep on you so you can't make a cup of tea or go to the loo? really?).

Many women choose to stop BF before 2 years and don't need to be guilt-tripped by smug martyrs, particularly if they are already feeling exhausted and suffocated by the demands of mothering very young children. Everyone just does the best they can and the OP is clearly struggling with her current situation.

BlackMaryJanes, YANBU but I think you need to look for a part time job and stop trying to compete with your DH over whose life is more stressful. Never mind if he is dismissive of you working, you will have adult time out of the house and that will be the break you need.

sugarandspiced Sat 19-Jan-13 22:18:50

I do sympathise OP. Two pre schoolers is hard work.

However, I don't think that you are helping yourself. You seem more keen on competing with your DH about who has the hardest role. You are also being defeatist 'we're fucked, etc' rather than trying to move forward.
SAHParenting isn't necessarily harder. It depends on so many factors. Your DH doesn't appear to understand how stressful looking after two small DC is and you probably don't understand the pressures that he feels as the working parent.
I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to take over everything as soon as he walks through the door. He probably wants a break too. Why can't you share the bedtime duties, have the DC in bed by 7ish and then both have time to relax?
Assuming that he doesn't work at weekends, you should both be able to have some time to yourselves.
You need to communicate at a time when you are not exhausted and stressed and both listen to the other.

skullcandy:
'my dh works shifts, it means that every two weeks in 3 i am completely on my own all day, every day, i operate as a single parent because his contribution to the household during the weeks he works Afternoons and Nights is ZERO.'

On behalf of single parents, (I'm not a single parent), I have to take issue with this. Assuming that your DH's salary pays for the house, the bills, the food, etc and assuming that he supports you all emotionally and is a caring partner, you are not operating like a single parent and his contribution is not zero. You are looking after the DC alone because he is at work. Totally different.

MammyKaz Sat 19-Jan-13 22:34:02

Any comparisons of who's day has been tougher is pointless, as is dwelling on the amount of time he has to himself each day - that comes with going to work, simple. You are however allowed to download/vent just as much as he is about his job.
Having small children is intense, especially if you have the majority of the childcare responsibility. To some extent you do have to accept the reality of your joint choices - and it will get better. BUT that is also true of your dh. If he's home whilst DCs are up then he has to share childcare responsibilities.
Seriously you guys need to talk to each other. His comments are unreasonable but sound defensive & you sound very hurt (I'm totally understanding of that your reserves are spent, no doubt you're shattered). You need to break this cycle. Have you told him, unemotionally, what is going on for you?
Agree realistic expectations for both of you. Any chance you can get some couple time to chat about it?
Dh travels & works long hours so I'm alone a lot, I've only DD but it is tough. We share responsibility whenever he is around midweek & give each other "me" time at wkends. Dh needs it just as much as I & then neither of us feels hard done by. Plus he gets invaluable 1to1 time with DD.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 22:54:01

Khall. Well aren't you pleasant! hmm

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 22:57:53

amirah85. I do have bad days which is why i would never be as harsh and judgmental as you have been. You'd think that you would understand where she's coming from.

NannyPlumIsMyMum Sat 19-Jan-13 22:57:57

YANBU !!!

I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Mine are doing my head in lately hmm.

I so need a break .

JollyRedGiant Sat 19-Jan-13 23:08:42

DH and I had a conversation a few weeks ago in which he was shocked that I couldn't find 20 spare minutes a day.

I am often at home but do work part time hours at two jobs. I'm also studying with the OU.

I really envy DH's lunch break. And the ability to poo when he wants to. Pooing when I want to is the thing I miss most.

I have often thought about writing down what I do all day. In minute detail. But finding the time to do this is impossible.

katiecubs Sat 19-Jan-13 23:26:33

Hmm started odd agreeing with you OP but the more I read the more I see you responding to people who are backing you up and ignoring any constructive advice you are given.

YOU need to try and make changes here. Your DH is clearly lacking in understanding of the realities of being a SAHM - but then so was I before I was one! You are probably lacking in the understanding of working in a high pressure, high earning job, the pressure of financially supporting a whole family on your own and the thankless task of taking two kids out to the supermarket every evening when you get it.

Work out a more realistic way to get your you time, a bath and magazine in bed for starters was a simple easy suggestion. TBH i find DH taking over and playing with DC suffices while I sit on the sofa for a bit.

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 23:49:27

YANBU -- SAHM of two under 3 is HARD, RELENTLESS WORK.

I'll say it again: YANBU.

But:

Look for solutions. Being angry, being defensive, feeling that all is DOOM. DOOM, IT WILL NEVER CHANGE, which is the gist of all your posts, well, looking back, can you see why your DH thinks that you hate motherhood?

Full-time, full-on motherhood really is fucking hard, hard work. As going out to work in a high-pressure, results-driven job can be. I know of what I speak, I have done both in recent years. I hope that the responses on here have helped you to feel heard, to feel like other people know what it's like.

Please try to listen to the posters who have been there, bought the t-shirt and come out the other side. You can -- you and your DH -- work together to make your life better if you listen to each other and give each other some consideration. This phase will pass soon enough, but the resentments you set up now may haunt you. Don't let them. Make plans, think about studying, a career for yourself, anything to redress the balance in your life.

You sound articulate and intelligent. Now you know it's natural to feel the way you do at the end of the day with young kids, take the initiative. Even if it feels like too much effort. your family will thank you for it.

Good luck!

PS breastfed both of mine till past 12 months, felt passionately about it, but life got a lot easier once each of them weaned. Don't stop because you feel touched out, but do consider a cost-benefit analysis. . .

stopgap Sat 19-Jan-13 23:57:36

Bedtime for my 17-month-old is 6.30pm, which some might find ridiculously early, but it gives my son a chance to hang out with daddy for an hour or so when he wakes at 6.30am (my husband gets home late and otherwise wouldn't see our son midweek).

It works for us (particularly me :D) as I get to relax of an evening. I also have sitter, three evenings a week, for an hour or two, to go to yoga, grab a drink with a friend or for a run. But seeing as your husband is there of an evening, you have built-in babysitting.

thebody Sun 20-Jan-13 00:02:21

Yeah it's hard being a sahm of 2 kids that age.. Done it.

But it's bloody paradise compared to being a working mother of 4 kids.

Be thankful your dh has a job and can support you and just see this as a lovely time to spend with your little ones.

This goes sooooo fast. Don't compete in the 'who does more than who' that's childish and silly.

Of course kids drive you mad sometimes what did you expect? but get him to do story time, you have a nice bubble bath and chill and both put kids to bed.

Wine and chill.

The hard years are ahead I am afraid to say.. Little ones are easy.

mam29 Sun 20-Jan-13 00:08:01

maraiannem-sometimes have to laugh as better than crying.

tonight my younger 2darlings both in my bed keep waking up nearly every hour.

plantsitter-agree ith all you posts love the get a grip bit.

Im finding breasfeeding my 21month old son quite hard.

I have 20months between dd2 and dd3.

had 3.5years between 1 and 2.
went back work fulltime after no 1.

in some ways getting easier.

dd2 started preschool in sept just gone so she does 1half days preschool and 1full day nursery.

I envy people ho have freinds and family close.

A lot of my close freinds dont have kids they dont understand

I have freinds whos parents /mil have kids all time.

mine tries he works long hours in retail often weekends, bank hols did xmas eve and boxing day and felt bit sorry for myself then,

Think its ok to have days to wallow.

important part is not every day like that.

do you think you could be bit depressed? as and can strike any time cousins wife was diagnosed when twins were 2.

well done on feeding so long.

if hes not going help best thing is early nite set routine for them both.

dont be afraid to use tv bedtime hour whilst get younger one to sleep.

i double bath as quicker sometimes all 3.

i find just getting them be early sometimes as early as 6 although 6year lds learnt to tell time now.

Having quick tidy downstairs so its habitable

ensuring teas ready as hardly eat in day and having adult civilised convesation with husband when he comes through door helps.

I do fake an interest in his day and retail sales.
try to be as positive as can about y day sometimes hes says i whinge too much .

But on weekends /days off i expect him to pull his weight

that involves taking 1 child round his mums
helping ith school runs/food shop
babysitting ilst i go out even just for bwose round shops or out with mate shopping/drinks .

He then appreciates how hard it is.

best punishment for nasty comment send him both kids to softplay on sat by himselfsmile.

sent mine to a toddler group once he hates it i said welcome to my life. The more you can expose him to the better.

I do 3loads laundry a day feels like never quite catch up.

You need to make time for you.

we have multiroom in bedroom so i watch trashy tv once they in bed or have bath with wine and a magazine.

if weathers good i try get out to park.
also try fit in soem family days out an 1 holiday a year
devon wasent sucess last year the kids did his head in.

Yours are both so young older one will change next 6months ages 1-2 for me with no 2 were hellish shes better now.

I do miss days of ork the quiet commute ith radio and paper on bus and train stopping by coffee shop on way in, adult conversation.

leasts with younger ones you dont have joy of school runs, comprtative parents and ferrying them roiund various clubs and playdates you in charge of your own destiny,

if They really doing my head in we go out for walk to corner shop.
nothing like fresh air.

Salmotrutta Sun 20-Jan-13 00:29:23

Hmm.

You really sound like you are not enjoying being a mum OP.

I was at home with two who were 18 months apart. It was hard work. Of course it was, but that's what I expected when I made that decision.

I don't actually remember trips to the loo being a major expedition either confused.

Would it be fair to say you are discontented with your decision to have children?

I don't want to sound horrible but you rather sound like you don't have much patience with your kids.

mumof2princesses Sun 20-Jan-13 00:36:18

hi...
i have a 2.6 yr old and a 9 month old v had a similar problem my half works 6am- 12pm and then 5pm- 10pm 5 days a week he has suns n mons off... v realised i culdnt cope n he cudnt help becoz of his timings and having a nap during the day so v have placed our elder one in nursery for 3 hrs a day 3 afternoons a week this way my younger ones asleep so i can either catch up with wat i want to or have a nap or spend tym with other haf.... shes at nursery tues thurs n fris suns n mon hubbys at home so i just have to manage on weds n sats wich il take er out them two days sumwhere where shel late were also not a morning fam they sleep beteen 8 & 9pm
this way v both gt a few hrz off n i gt sum too... it costs us about 15 quid a week but she enjoys it n always is twkin bout it n v gt our tymz off smile x

AmberSocks Sun 20-Jan-13 05:30:10

cant they go to theloo with you?mine used to!not for poosalthugh there wasprobably the odd timethey walked in!

LadyMaryCrawley Sun 20-Jan-13 06:04:46

YANBU, but then your DH also has a point.

is there anyone around who could take the children for a few hours at the weekend, so you and DH can leave the flat/go for a coffee and TALK about how you both feel, without the dc around to distract you? It sounds like you are both exhausted and resentful; you need a good long honest talk together to clear the air and agree on what you both want to do (and there are heaps of good ideas on this thread already but I really think the place to start is talking)

Zara1984 Sun 20-Jan-13 06:31:39

YANBU

But YABVVU for not listening to all the excellent advice people are giving you. Competitive martyring will get you and your DH nowhere.

TBH I understand how you both feel. I work part-time so I experience both SAHM type days as well as days when I get in from work having been commuting/working for 11 hours and then take over from DH with the kids. On those days, as much as I want to see them, I'm exhausted and desperate to sit down and have a break too.

I don't think asking DH and kids to go to the supermarket every night is fair tbh. The alternative I think is that you need to go out for an hour if you want a break (coffee or a walk). I also think its only fair to do this every other night and give your DH the opportunity to do the same on the other nights

JusticeCrab Sun 20-Jan-13 07:14:13

Kids are very annoying after that length of time. Fact.

It's NU of him to say he doesn't want to go to the supermarket any more - that was an odd thing to do in the first place - but it is U of him to accuse you of 'hating motherhood' on the basis that you find your kids annoying after an 11-hour day dealing with them.

AmberSocks Sun 20-Jan-13 07:21:01

i dont find my kids annoying after being with them all day and i am with them all day everyday 7 days a week,if i found them annoying then i wouldnt of gone on to have 3 and 4 and still want more.I know thats not usual(which i find sad)but i do know others who are the same as me,maybe its down to the way you do things?(im not saying they dont ever annoy me but i wouldnt say its every day!)

What exactly is it that you find hard?finding solutions to make life easier would also be helpful i think.

For example,for the amount of money your dh spends on taking them t the cafe every night you could probably afford a cleaner,would that help?
Do you take them out anywhere,do you see other mums?

I agree with other posters that the way to go would be your husband getting in and you both working as a team and getting the kids bathed and to bed for a decent time,say 8 o clock if he doesnt get in til 7,and then both having time to relax and spend time together.

Also im not sure if you would want to but at 2 and a half some kids go to nursery a few times a week,could you afford a couple of afternoons?

redwallday Sun 20-Jan-13 07:27:27

How about you go out? I often take the dog out for 40 minutes or so, the exercise combined with fresh air means I come home much happier smile

Cybbo Sun 20-Jan-13 07:48:57

Both the OP and her h should stop feeling sorry for themselves and resenting their lives, and start feeling grateful or everything they have rather than endlessly and pointlessly comparing their daily routine .

Put the kids to bed earlier, stop being 'Over wrought SAHM ' And 'overworked tech geek manager' and become yourselves .

You're not victims in all this, grow up and stop bickering.

<gavel>

If you had a part time job it's irrelevant whether he thinks his job is harder - what's important is that it gives you a break from the children and some time to yourself.
You need to agree that both of you find aspects of what you do in the day difficult and find a solution for you both. Start with small things. I would suggest an earlier bedtime to give you both more time together in the evening - even just by half an hour, by 8.30, there's not much time left for yourself. I know you said you're not morning people, my dp isn't, he takes them downstairs,puts the tv on, and looks after them with one eye half shut on the sofa.whereupon they take advantage and eat all the biscuits
If you don't want to work, when does the oldest qualify for free nursery? How about putting them in with a childminder for a morning to give you a break?
You need to go out one saturday and leave him to it. Yes, it's not a full week day in day out, but trust me, with his attitude, one day will be enough.
So, small things that would help would be ;
He spends time with them while you make a cup of tea/ wash up/check emails/ go for walk, when he initially comes in.
Earlier bedtime to have more time to connect with each other in evening.
Take turns who gets up with the eldest, even if you are bf youngest one first thing.
Time out for yourself at the weekend. Step back a little from being the one who jumps up at the weekend, let him be the main 'go to' parent a bit more, if he isn't doing this already.
If you need stuff from the shops at the weekend, he takes them to give you half hour on your own, or you go on your own for some fresh air.
There are lots of good ideas in the posts on here, but unless you call a truce between you, stop trying to compete and start trying out soloutions to make you both feel better, it's not going to improve. How you do things needs to evolve constantly with children too,whilst it worked to have a later bedtime when they were smaller, now they are more active and full on in the day, you may need to change your ideas about what works.

grobagsforever Sun 20-Jan-13 09:20:15

He's much older than you isn't he OP? You desperately need a job, you cannot allow yourself to have no earning power. You will be in a very vulnerable position come five or ten years time. As for the supermarket thing, agree that is madness. How about you go for a twenty minute soak and then he brings the kids in to join you?

skullcandy Sun 20-Jan-13 09:54:47

just a thought Op, if your DH is earning 52k a year, have you thought about putting the older child into nursery a couple of mornings or afternoons a week?

If he's 2.5 then he'll be coming up for being entitled to the 15hrs free soon, and quite frankly, i found putting my older child in nursery a little earlier than his entitlement made me a lot less frazzled because i managed to get little one to nap while he was there!

manormuppet Sun 20-Jan-13 10:05:01

Sorry just realised who the op is. This thread will be like the others, op will be utterly negative about her situation, loads of good suggestions all ignored, no point suggesting nursery or a cleaner or anything really. Op will vanish, name change and post much the same in a few weeks.
<shrugs>

SunbathingintheRain Sun 20-Jan-13 10:20:22

Oh, yes, I think I recognise this person (from previous threads) too. I also recognise my feeling of combined empathy for her situation (I'm currently a SAHM of a toddler and a baby living in a small flat too) and frustration at the OP's seeming unwillingness to take any suggestions on board.

Correct me if I'm wrong OP? Is any of the wonderful advice of others on this thread making a difference?

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 20-Jan-13 12:40:38

OP, is this thread from October yours?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1585483-The-kids-winge-and-cry

If it is, I'm sorry things are still so difficult..

MuggledWoman Sun 20-Jan-13 12:54:45

To look at this from his point of view, when I get home from work, the last thing I would want to do is take DS to the supermarket!! I'm aware that there may be good reasons why you can't but have you thought about part-time work? That's my escape!

ukatlast Sun 20-Jan-13 13:22:10

I found it worked better for me to leave kids with DH and escape to the supermarket myself...try it you might like it, particularly if you are in no rush and grab a cuppa too. Him taking them instead sounds like a nightmare.

BadztMaru Sun 20-Jan-13 13:54:15

Hi op, I know when you're worn out everything feels shit but you sound a little martyr-ish. If you need the toilet then make sure the kids are safe and go. If you want a sit down and some peace, put cbeebies or whatever on and have a coffee.
It'll seem like a very short time before your eldest starts nursery, your workload will lessen. When they're both at nursery/ achool you'll have a lot of free time.
No one likes wi

BadztMaru Sun 20-Jan-13 13:55:39

Wiping bums but it will pass. Then you can have a little think about what you want to be doing, working, hobbies, watching daytime tv.

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