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lovely sleepover but parent hasn't turned up to collect kid

(138 Posts)
bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 11:33:41

really hacked off. dd had two friends over for a sleepover. i picked them up from school, took them to pizza express for supper even though couldn't afford it really but thought it would be nicer than me cooking for them (as wimpy wasn't open due to snow), up for hours having a lovely time. invite clearly said COLLECT 10:30am, other kid was just picked up, a bit late but fine. no sign of other mum, over an hour late. i sent a plite text hour hour ago, no response. dh is hiding upstairs as had enough, you know how it is, after a while you have had enough of kids arsing around/watching kids tv etc. we have to go out which is why my invite clearly said 10:30, really pissed off, the mum might not turn up for hours, i asked her dd who said 'this afternoon', perhaps she thinks we are a useful creche

Nanny0gg England Sat 19-Jan-13 11:34:59

Not the snow causing problems?

Ragwort Sat 19-Jan-13 11:35:18

Why send a text, phone and speak direct to the parent hmm.

take kid home

presume you've rung as well as sent a text?

don't have that kid again [harsh]

Tee2072 Sat 19-Jan-13 11:35:21

Ring her rather than text. Over and over again until she answers her phone and tell her to come collect her child.

And once mum is there tell her, in front of child, that as lovely as it was, you can't have the child sleep over again if the mum can't collect in a timely manner.

Sirzy Sat 19-Jan-13 11:35:35

Have you tried phoning?

Greenkit Sat 19-Jan-13 11:35:40

Pick up the phone and ring her

Clarabell78 Sat 19-Jan-13 11:35:52

Why don't you just phone her?

Tee2072 Sat 19-Jan-13 11:36:02

Also, stop spending money you don't have on other people's children. Who are you trying to impress?

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 11:36:20

Phone her!!

Clarabell78 Sat 19-Jan-13 11:36:34

Ha! X-post :-)

Ring the mum or drop her off at home? YANBU

MiconiumHappens Sat 19-Jan-13 11:36:50

Wimpy? Are they still going? shock

Anyhooooo god how annoying, I would feel exactly the same. Can you deliver the child home?

Ruprekt Sat 19-Jan-13 11:38:26

'Hi! This is ** Mum. Just wondering what time you were planning on picking up Jezebel as we have plans and need to go out. That is why the invite said 10.30 am pick up. I feel quite awkward having to phone you but could you come ASAP please.'

Amazing how many people don't seem to realise that you can actually RING and TALK to other people using a mobile phone like you can with a landline....

forgetmenots Sat 19-Jan-13 11:40:34

You have to call her and say that you're heading out soon. Did the original invite stress you weren't going to be around this afternoon? Not that I'm saying you should have to,but worth reiterating so people don't take the piss and think they can have a lie in.

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 11:40:41

i am shy so i didn't call, i thought sending a text was easier in that sense plus i thought a phone call would seem more hassling. they live within walking distance easy

manicbmc Sat 19-Jan-13 11:41:44

Hassle them. They are using you as a baby sitter.

Sirzy Sat 19-Jan-13 11:41:54

Why wouldn't you hassle though if it's annoying you so much?

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 11:42:30

It IS more hassling...which is precisely what is needed. The invite said 10.30 and you have stuff to do, so that's it!
There is nothing wrong in hassling her!!
Stop being so wet, and PHONE HER!

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 11:42:41

i wasn't trying to impress anyone taking them to PE. i couldn't be arsed to cook tbh and thought it would make them happy. they were all excited about going to the wimpy (which wasn't open). why would i want to impress two ten year old kids confused

difficultpickle Sat 19-Jan-13 11:43:34

I think they are rude in being late so no excuse. However I would expect a phone call rather than a text. I have my mobile on silent at work and often forget to switch the volume on when I'm at home so wouldn't hear that a text message had been received.

If they live within walking distance, send the child home or you walk home with her. There's no point sitting fuming, when there's a simple solution.

louschmoo Sat 19-Jan-13 11:44:03

Um, a phone call to ask a parent to collect their child when they're already late isn't hassling, it's normal. Just call the mum. You don't have to have a go at her, just say 'are you on your way to pick X up? We need to go out.'

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 11:44:21

alright already, i will phone her (i know, i AM wet)

Ragwort Sat 19-Jan-13 11:44:22

I just don't get this modern reluctance to use a phone and talk to people, you might say you are 'shy' but you've had a few children to stay the night, entertain them, take them out to a restaurant etc so you can't be that shy.

If it is walking distance I would just walk the girl round and see who is at home.

AmbrosiaCreamedMice Sat 19-Jan-13 11:45:46

I love how the OP is the one in the wrong here!

I frickin' HATE when parents are late collecting kids. Obviously, never have that kid over again.

Yamyoid Sat 19-Jan-13 11:46:03

Have you done it yet? Just say what Ru said. You'll feel better once it's done as YANBU.

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 11:47:39

Who is saying OP is in the wrong?

500internalerror Sat 19-Jan-13 11:49:26

You have to go round there - maybe her mobile network is down due to snow? Maybe she over slept/ has a hangover? Maybe she misread the collection time?

louschmoo Sat 19-Jan-13 11:49:30

Good for you smile. She's probably just forgotten that it was supposed to be 10.30 [benefit of the doubt emoticon].

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 11:52:16

just phone (the number is programmed in my mobile, used it before to get confirmation if her kid was coming or not, i had to chase her, she never rsvd..) and the number said it did not exist. so she has changed her number. i asked her dd if she knew her landline number, she said they didn't have one. now i am worrying what if her mother had lost the invite and thus didn't have my address? i said i would leave it an hour or so and then we should go for a walk to her house to see if they are in incase my thought was right. could be (more likely) they are just airhead/laid back types who didn't read the invite properly and just assumed it was an all day invite for saturday too. having a fucking shit saturday, bored and pissed off

louschmoo Sat 19-Jan-13 11:52:32

Ambrosia no one is saying the OP is in the wrong. But saying 'never have the child over again' seems a bit melodramatic when OP could just call and ask the parent to pick her kid up. And sitting waiting for said parent to arrive without calling is not going to help either.

Maybe the mum read it as 1.30? Clutching at straws though.... If I had a phone call from where my child was staying I would answer or call back straight away, and would have left a landline number too, just In case...

louschmoo Sat 19-Jan-13 11:53:58

Oh dear bring. Why not just walk the kid home now? At least they'd be out of your hair and you could get on with your day.

manicbmc Sat 19-Jan-13 11:54:40

I'd not have the child again if the parents are so slapdash that they haven't even provided a contact number that is actually in use.

What if their child had been ill? Or if there had been an accident.

fluffyraggies England Sat 19-Jan-13 11:54:43

I'd be just like you OP with the reluctance to phone blush

However - i'd not be leaving it another hour before walking her round there. If you're right about the parents possibly not knowing your address then i'd be worried they were worried IYKWIM?

Suzietastic Sat 19-Jan-13 11:55:36

Take her home now, don't hang around. Then go and do something fun.

hippoCritt Sat 19-Jan-13 11:55:59

How far away is their house? You could go for a walk now and then drop her stuff off as you go out later

Flossiechops Sat 19-Jan-13 11:56:13

I think you are doing the right thing, walk there and see if she's in!

EggRules Sat 19-Jan-13 11:57:10

I would definately say something to her parents.

I would also be putting coats on and walking her home.

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 11:57:24

Why leave it an hour? Take her home now.
Seriously, why are you so worried about putting the other mother out? You have things to do and the sleepover is finished.

I have never known a sleepover invite to include all day the next day as well, unless specifically stated.

No one assumes that their child will be looked after all the next day too.

minibmw2010 Sat 19-Jan-13 11:58:01

Just take the child home, guaranteed they're there, in their PJ's. If they seem surprised say we are heading out, we're late really !!!

And who lets their kid go to someone else's house but doesn't make sure the other mum has full contact details ??

just take the kid home, all this I'll wait an hour crap - don't be wet, be assertive, come on, just do it. Channel your inner diva. Go on.

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 11:59:37

you're right, i will take her home. bet there's noone in though. i don't want it to look like i am sick of their kid (she is a lovely kid, more than welcome) i just don't like bad manners. i am over sensitive which is pathetic really as i am not the one who has been rude but feel awkward like i am dumping their daughter on their doorstep. bit like lending someone some money but them not giving it back so YOU have to chase it up which is embarassing

Euphemia France Sat 19-Jan-13 12:01:31

Does she know where you live? Or was her only info what was on the invitation? I bet she's lost it and doesn't know how to contact you.

Greenkit Sat 19-Jan-13 12:01:45

What a nightmare...

Take her home and dont have siad child again, shame but parents cant use you as free babysitting!

Greenkit Sat 19-Jan-13 12:02:00


Tee2072 Sat 19-Jan-13 12:02:20

But you are sick of their kid and rightly so.

I'll bet their home after having a lovely lie in as you had their kid.

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 12:03:20

right, i will go now, you are right, yes, still bricking it although i am over due and hormones are RIPE. long walk in the snow though, too scary to drive as quite small streets......i'll report back :-D

drownangels Sat 19-Jan-13 12:04:49

I think that they have either
1 lost the invite and assumed you will be dropping off
2 expecting the child to make their own way home if its not far away
3 overslept.

I don't think there is a big drama behind this, just a misunderstanding.

louschmoo Sat 19-Jan-13 12:05:32

It's easy for me to say but there is NO reason for you to feel awkward. You don't need to make a big deal of it with the child - just 'oh, mum's not got her phone on. I'll take you home then' and when you see the mum say something like 'We've got to go out I'm afraid, I did say 10.30. What happened?'. Chances are SHE will then be feeling awkward - as she should. Or she'll have some sort of excuse and you can decide from there if she had good reason or not to go awol.

bigTillyMint Sat 19-Jan-13 12:06:07

It is really bad manners of the girls parents.

If the DC are all happily playing and it is not causing a problem, you could just wait for them to appear, but if you need to do something without her, then you could walk her back and cross your fingers they are in!

fluffyraggies England Sat 19-Jan-13 12:06:31

I hope you're on your way now OP smile

I bet they ARE in!

This is taking this piss, btw, leaving your kid with someone till mid-day after sleepover. Unless it's pre arranged that is.

Different when they're older and can get themselves from A to B. My eldest DDs best mate has been known to pop in on Friday after school and not go home till 10pm Sunday! But that's fine with me and her DM and they walk themselves round the village anyway.

Just take her home. And then (and I truly mean this nicely) maybe think about investigating whether some kind of counselling/CBT could help you deal with perfectly simple situations in a more assertive way.

cloudpuff Sat 19-Jan-13 12:08:57

I can't believe the Mum hasn't given you a working contact number for her, I usually write it all on some paper and put in dds bag as an extra precaution.

OP I am the same as you and feel awkward pulling someone up about their behaviour, you end up feeling in the wrong, but this is what happens when you a re like that, people take the piss and take advantage.

Please please when you take her home do not say sorry to her parents, I can imagine you saying sorry but... or sorry she could have stayed... becuase you ar enot at fault here.

difficultpickle Sat 19-Jan-13 12:11:25

That's appalling. I would have thought she would have dropped you a note, emailed you to confirm details. I'm not sure I'd be very polite when I saw her. It is completely unfair that you have to walk her child home as she can't be bothered to collect on time or give you a contact phone number.

StuntGirl Sat 19-Jan-13 12:15:20

Good god op, wet is the word! I hope you're on your way round to the parents house right now. You're not doing anything wrong/rude/weird/unreasonable/whatever you're worrying it is.

Clarabumps Sat 19-Jan-13 12:15:32

marks place for later.

drownangels Sat 19-Jan-13 12:17:04

Everyone get off your high horses until you know why the parents haven't picked up. If they are taking the piss that will toughen you up for next time and you know exactly what to expect but anything could have happened. It could be a misunderstanding.

Fenton Bosnia-Herzegovina Sat 19-Jan-13 12:17:11

That it appalling bad manners, - when the children go anywhere with anyone else the very first question I ask is 'when would you like me to collect ?'

Unless some emergency has arisen this is simply rude.

Nancy66 Sat 19-Jan-13 12:20:48

May not be the case here but it's not that uncommon for parents to 'lose track of time' when someone else is looking after their kid.

Last year DS had a birthday party in a church hall on a Saturday - invite clearly stated the party would finish at 5pm and parents were also reminded verbally at drop off time. One mum didnt collect her twins until 8pm. We had to take them home with us and ring around all the other mums to try and get a phone number for missing parent to tell her that her kids were at our house.

DeafLeopard Sat 19-Jan-13 12:21:58

"i am over due and hormones are RIPE. long walk in the snow though"

Overdue as in pregnant? If so you should certainly not be walking icy streets to return a child home. Rude other parents.

Fenton Bosnia-Herzegovina Sat 19-Jan-13 12:22:01

It's still bad manners to 'lose track of time' when someone has clearly stated a time to collect.

drownangels Sat 19-Jan-13 12:23:32

No ones perfect Fenton!

TigerFeet Sat 19-Jan-13 12:25:35

I know a couple of parents like this. One offered to have dd1 for a sleepover, she would collect her from ours after tea at 6.30. At 7.00 no show so I rang her and she was having a family meal out 20 odd miles away shock. She finally got to us well after 8, poor dd1 was 7yo and was flagging by then. She's well known for being late all the time. Thankfully dd1 and the other girl aren't really that friendly any more.

Hope you managed to drop her off OK and got a suitable apology.

Nanny0gg England Sat 19-Jan-13 12:25:40

drownangels not leaving contact details is pretty poor though, don't you think?
The OP, pregnant or not, shouldn't have to traipse round to their house to find out what's going on.

FobblyWoof Sat 19-Jan-13 12:26:56

Unless there's a genuine reason for the parents not picking the child up then it's incredibly rude. I hope someone was in OP

Fenton Bosnia-Herzegovina Sat 19-Jan-13 12:27:27

No, clearly not hmm

difficultpickle Sat 19-Jan-13 12:27:28

How on earth do you lose track of time when your child is at someone else's house overnight? confused Same for a party. It is down to manners. Some people have them and others don't. The fact that the mother changed her phone number but didn't bother to tell the OP is inexcusable imvho.

BlueberryHill Sat 19-Jan-13 12:27:51

Nancy, no one forgets to pick up twins and lose track of time. The quiet house and being able to sit down in peace are a sure giveaway. (I'd love to be able to do it though).

Fenton Bosnia-Herzegovina Sat 19-Jan-13 12:29:53

Very good point Blueberry grin

They would be enjoying every extra deliberately stolen minute I shouldn't wonder.

TigerFeet Sat 19-Jan-13 12:30:31

Losing track of time is being perhaps 15 mins or half an hour late. I've been guilty of it myself and so have many of the parents of invitees to our house. I don't have a problem with it, we would always factor late pick ups into timings for anything. Hours though... with no contact... well that's thoughtless really. Or selfish. Or taking the piss.

'I forgot the time' is possibly excusable for 5-10mins late. Not for an hour or more. That's just inexcusable.

LeeCoakley Sat 19-Jan-13 12:32:36

How old are they? Just wondering if parents actually knew there was an official invite and assumed dd would just walk home or be dropped off at some point. Bit odd not leaving a contact no, there could be any sort of emergency. Anyway, at least you know why they're not answering the texts!

LaQueen Sat 19-Jan-13 12:32:38

Sorry, but I have never yet lost track of time when my DDs are at a sleep over/play date. They're my bleddy children FFS, how could I possibly forget where they are/what they're up to/what time to collect them. It's not rocket science.

I always ensure that I have up-to-date contact details for where they will be (it's just a 5 second conversation to double check FFS, you're not asking them whether they have a STD or anything), and I have never yet been late to collect them.

And, I have 2 jobs and a house to run, and all the other activities/school commitments that every other Mum has...but I am too well mannered to deliberately fob my children off on other people because I fancy a bit more me time.

It's incredibly rude and very arrogant.

Nancy66 Sat 19-Jan-13 12:32:43

Blueberry - Oh I know it was totally deliberate - especially as she dropped them off 40 minutes early when we were still decorating the hall and laying out the food!

She had form for it and the sad thing is that now her kids tend to not get invited places.

thebody Sat 19-Jan-13 12:33:05

Inept don't you get the kid to call her mom on her mobile? Surely she would answer her own dd.

How old are they?

zipzap Sat 19-Jan-13 12:34:10

Does the girl know her mum's mobile number - you said you asked about the landline number but didn't mention mobile. It might be that you've got a digit wrong or transposed.

Or do you know any other mums that might have the right number? Worth a try especially if it's going to be quite a long walk - and double length for you unless they will drive you home.

Also - what are you going to do if you get there and the parents aren't there?

DeafLeopard Sat 19-Jan-13 12:35:14

YY that's the thing, if a parent has form for being a piss taker, it is the DCs that lose out as invitations are not forthcoming

DeafLeopard Sat 19-Jan-13 12:36:01

Zip - OP rang the mobile and it came up as non existant

Lafaminute Sat 19-Jan-13 12:38:19

Misunderstanding??? If the child is lovely then chances are her parents spend time making sure she has manners etc. Why would anyone deliberately leave their beloved child to overstay a welcome. I can imagine the childs parents are unaware of a pick up time and will be mortified to realise that they are putting op out. Hopefully.

BlueberryHill Sat 19-Jan-13 12:38:34

Nancy and Deaf, that is the really sad thing, the kids lose out and don't know why. That is just shocking Nancy.

wonderstuff Sat 19-Jan-13 12:42:57

Awful that mother hasn't left you a contact number! Hope they are in and it isn't to icy a journey. Poor kid, can't be nice to have your parents forget to collect you.

MissMarplesMaid Sat 19-Jan-13 12:43:21


I'm afraid I have come across this a few time. Parents take advantage, drop children off early and take advantage of the free time. They then lose track of time. My guess is that they have gone shopping.

Nanny0gg England Sat 19-Jan-13 12:45:56

And the poor kid probably now realises that they're not really wanted any more...

That is awful. I would send DH. You need to be careful if you are heavily pg and it's a long walk in snow/ice ; (

skullcandy Sat 19-Jan-13 12:47:29

if you're overdue, why isnt your DH walking the girl home?

zipzap Sat 19-Jan-13 12:48:56

DL - I thought op rang the mobile number she had plugged in her phone. I've occasionally made mistakes putting numbers in my phone - so was wondering if she had asked the girl if she knew what her mum's number was - she might know it or be able to say that it had or hadn't changed or say it starts 07790 not 07990 or whatever and see if they can work out the right number if the OP's version of the number is obviously wrong.

She should also ask the girl if she knows any numbers for people that would know her mum - grand parents, other friends etc and see if she could track her down. Also is there a dad in all this that could be called?

And could OP's dh walk the girl back if they decide to do that? Sounds like the girls parents are lying low hoping they get extra child free time and avoid the nasty journey in the snow to get her!

EggRules Sat 19-Jan-13 12:49:14

Could be an overdue period?

oh crikey OP, you say you are hormonal and overdue, and going to walk. The non-collecting parents are doubly toerags in that case - not collecting child and WHAT IF YOU WENT INTO LABOUR?


I do rather hope that your DH has gone and left you with feet up/cup of tea.

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 12:52:25

trudged through the snow, quite a long walk carrying a large sleeping bag and a large bag of clothes/'stuff'. got there, thank the lord her mum was in. when she opened the door she said 'oh, i was going to text you later to see when i should come and get her'. i said i had brought her back because she was supposed to have been collected at 10:30 and because it was two hours later i was concerned that she had lost the bit of paper with my address on'. she said she hadn't looked at the pick up time on the invite. go figure confused. now to a nice coffee and some good tv smile

MiconiumHappens Sat 19-Jan-13 12:53:11

Also if OP is overdue - what if she had gone into labour? The sleeperoverer would have ended up somewhere completely different as the would have been unable to contact her parents hmm I hope this is just shoddy parenting and the parent are ok - all seems very odd! OP hope you're ok smile

minibmw2010 Sat 19-Jan-13 12:54:15

Well done for pointing out the 10.30 time, did she apologise? Did you mention you didn't have her correct mobile?

WildThong Netherlands Sat 19-Jan-13 12:54:34

So she didn't 'see' the collect time or your text to her?
Aye right

MiconiumHappens Sat 19-Jan-13 12:55:05

OMG it's nearly 1300! OP if you feel pissed off about this then it's rightly so.

Feet up brew

PuffPants Sat 19-Jan-13 12:55:32

Nancy66, what did the mum of twins say when she finally came for them?!

wonderstuff Sat 19-Jan-13 12:55:53

How rude! Glad she was in and that you pointed out the pick up time.
Hope you can have a nice chilled rest of the day.

KhallDrogo Sat 19-Jan-13 12:57:20

How would you let your kids go to someone's for a sleep over, and those parental not have contact details/ don't know where they live confused

What I'd there had been an emergency

I think the other parents have run away and OP now has a new foster dd

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 12:58:10

blimey mrsm, that's a bit over the top isn't it (CBT treatment because i am not naturally confrontational). next you'll be suggesting i take some prozac..... i am a successful working women who regularly deals with some seriously heavy situations. for some reason i find some parenting situations uncomfortable. even when the mother opened the door and i was seen from her point of view standing there with her dd and as dumping her daughter on her. i am sensitive but i don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. perhaps if more people in this world were a bit more sensitive towards other peoples feelings this world might be a nicer place to live smile

Nancy66 Sat 19-Jan-13 13:00:20

Puffpants - she'd gone into the west end shopping and lost track of time and the tubes weren't running properly and she didn't have our number. blah blah.

You don't go into the west end - 40 mins there and 40 mins back from where we are - if you have to pick your kids up in 2 hours time.

Plus, once we got her number, we called her over and over and she never answered her phone once. 'never heard it ring' apparently - even though we must have called her 20 times over two hours.

louschmoo Sat 19-Jan-13 13:00:27

That's shit! How lax of her. If you are kind enough to invite her child again you should definitely make a point of phoning to confirm arrangements and pick up time.

Nanny0gg England Sat 19-Jan-13 13:00:37

Wwll the other mum was hardly sensitive to you, was she OP?
Did she apologise? Explain why her mobile number was wrong?

It's her DD that will suffer if she gets away with such behaviour, because the invitations will dry up.

manicbmc Sat 19-Jan-13 13:00:53

Flaky parent. She should have checked the invite or asked you about the pick up time.

I wouldn't be repeating the situation unless you are able to spell things out to the silly woman in words of one syllable.

Blimey, surely it's just polite to double check arrangements when you're not sure of what's happening with your DC?

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:04:54

deaf - if only smile gave up ttc for No. 2 two years ago (i am 48, ttc for 7 years). in the early days when af was late i used to always think i was pg, and possibly sometimes i was but when you are in the grip of peri-meno' it never really comes into my head anymore which is kind of liberating as i only ever achieved failed early pregnancies in 7 years of ttc. af is two months late but i don't feel pg, just fat with big boobs!)

MrsDeVere Sat 19-Jan-13 13:05:40

bringnbuy I totally get why you texted. I hate talking to people I don't know on the phone, specially if they are being arses. I think some posters are being a bit mean <glare meaningfully>.

Anyhoooo...I once had the girl from downstairs come up to play for a few hours. Her dad fucked off for 3 days.

She started calling me Mummy.

It was a long while ago, long before I knew anything about child protection etc. Nowdays I would have acted very differently but at the time I just faffed about for days really not knowing what to do.

Bastard wouldn't get away with it now.

That poor girl.

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:06:11

lee they are 9 although dd just turned 10

AlistairSim Sat 19-Jan-13 13:10:28

Bleedin' Nora, MrsD!!

That is shocking.

RuleBritannia Sat 19-Jan-13 13:12:08

I'm glad it woprked out for you bringnbuy. You were polite at the other mother's door. She would have received short shrift from me in front of her daughter.

I did an Assertion course once. The basic rule was that you keep repeating something until the person you are talking to has at last got what you are saying. For instance, a cold caller at the front door, "I have double glazing." "I have double glazing." "I have double glazing." They get your meaning eventually.

"The invitation said 10.30am pick up." "The invitation said 10.30am pick up." "The invitation said 10.30am pick up." She wold then have felt rather thick at not looking.

I wasn't suggesting that you be confrontational hmm and I really wasn't trying to be mean, I just can't see why you were making a big thing over whether or not to phone, whether you should take her home etc etc. You seemed to be finding it all a big deal and that you lack confidence in dealing with such situations. I'm sorry if you thought I was having a go.

MrsDeVere Sat 19-Jan-13 13:16:07

It was. The way she started calling me Mummy was very sad. I asked her to call me auntie instead. She was African and we are a mixed family where it is normal to call adults auntie and uncle so I thought it was a gentle compromise.

I gave her some PJs and washed her clothes etc. She was still wearing those PJs as clothes months later.

Her dad tried to blame her when he turned up.

I wish I had done something then. Now I would have involved SS very quickly, not just because of the abandonment but because of the other red flags too.

He used to leave her on her own and she had been removed once by the police breaking into the flat.

But I was young and had no experience and things were quite different although it was only about 16 years ago. Pre Victoria Climbe and the subsequent massive changes in CP.

LeeCoakley Sat 19-Jan-13 13:16:20

Op, you have let your DH off far too lightly! It's HIS job to trudge through the snow carrying the stuff. You should be relaxing after entertaining guests for the past 24 hours! Please tell me that he at least offered!

difficultpickle Sat 19-Jan-13 13:16:41

So year 5? Ds is year 4. He knows our home phone number and my mobile off by heart. Did the mother invite you in for a coffee? I would have been utterly mortified if you had turned up on my door step in this weather. Instead I am very angry on your behalf.

I totally get how you hate confrontation with parenting stuff. I find it difficult too despite having what others perceive to be a 'high-powered' job.

has she gone yet?

2rebecca Germany Sat 19-Jan-13 13:30:41

That's really rude. The mother should have been embarrassed and really grovelly when she realised how rude and negligent she had been. As she wasn't I'd be reluctant to have the child back until she is old enough to make her own way home.

AlistairSim Sat 19-Jan-13 13:33:30

Thank god you were there, MrsD.

She would have been alone for three days otherwise.

I don't know why I find it particularly shocking, I can imagine my PIL doing the same to their 5 children.

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:34:10

mrsd -blimey that's terrible, that poor girl (her dad going off like that), really upsetting. i bet you treated her better than she was used to. fwiw the mother was friendly when i dropped her dd back, she thanked me and looked confused when i said her mobile number didn't work when i tried calling (the texts i sent didn't come back unsent though....) i said the number i called was the same number i had used when i texted her chasing a rsvp which she did respond to. i don't hold a grudge, no big deal really just a bit crap. they are a nice family, just i think a bit too laid back in that way. dd loves her little girl, i'll certainly have her over but am wary now. actually come to think about it dd does karate with this little girl after school. when i go and pick her up (1 1/2 hours after school) this little girl is usually left waiting for her m or d to collect her whilst all the other kids carers are there waiting when the door opens. sometimes i hang around a bit with her until her brother etc come as i feel sorry for her but the thing is because i have done this a few times i now feel i always have to but her family are really nice, she seems very loved and even has a doting brother who always gives her a kiss when he does come, how many big brothers do that? i wouldn't have thought many smile

sorry huge x post

bringnbuy it's lovely that the girl's brother is so doting- maybe they are closer because their parents are so lax.

WRT to the situation with the girl- Yes we all appreciate that people get caught up in traffic, delayed (and with the snow,) plans go array.
So you hang on a bit longer and 99% of the time the parent rushes in, blustering apologies, you both laugh and away they go.

BUT some parents are just like this one. Whether they are chronically disorganised or so rude that they think other peoples time doesn't matter, I don't know.

I've had a similar situation, it happens gradually but not again.(No contact now with the other child)

You have to nip it in the bud now, unless you are one of those parents who doesn't mind your house full of other DC.
But as you said, you needed to be somewhere. Sleepovers are flipping hard work. And the way you are now, you don't need the stress !

Does your DD go to this girl's house at all?

LaQueen Sat 19-Jan-13 14:36:02

Er...sorry. You finally took the girl home at 1.00pm, after a sleep-over, and her Mum said 'she was going to text you later to see what time she needed collecting.'

WTAF hmm

Any experienced Mum knows that a sleepover constitues their child being collected sometime the following morning not the following afternoon gettings towards tea time.

She was totally taking the piss - and knew exactly what she was doing. She was enjoying her free time and planned to probably text you about 3pm and pretend she wasn't aware there had been a definite time on the inivitation. If she hadn't been aware why not text you last night, or first thing this morning to check and find out.

If she wasn't taking the piss, and is genuinely this shite and flakey then she shouldn't be responsible for any child

LaQueen Sat 19-Jan-13 14:40:27

And OP next time you have a sleepover, and your DD wants to invite this girl then you let the girl come... but you make damned sure you speak to her Mum before hand.

You smile and say pleasantly 'I'm just letting you know that X will need collecting by 10.30am the next morning - I thought I would mention it to you because last time you forgot and didn't check the invite"

Then you smile again, and hold her eye contact...just to let her know that you are no one's Mug, and that she won't be allowed to play the 'Ooh, sorry I'm just so laid-back and forgetful' card again.

greenpostit Sat 19-Jan-13 14:40:44

Be careful with that mum in the future. Some people do this very deliberately and feign ignorance. Next time, it won't be snowing and I would just put on the invite, I will drop x back home at 10.30 or whatever, please let me know if this isn't convenient. I wouldn't sit around waiting for her to arrive, I'd just do the drop off myself particularly as such a short distance. I don't believe for a minute that she didn't know the pickup time. She sounds like a liar to me, despite the fake friendliness.

Veritate Sat 19-Jan-13 15:09:05

Some parents almost seem to expect free babysitting as their right. DD has a friend who has come to ours after school quite often, which is fine, she's a nice little girl and dd enjoys having her to play with. However, her mother is regularly late picking her up. On the one occasion when she was due to reciprocate and pick up both girls from school, I had a call at around 4 pm to say no-one had turned up to collect either of them. Fortunately the other mother got there quite soon after, but the Head took me aside and suggested I shouldn't ever rely on this mum because she was always late picking up and seemed to regard it as her right to have the teachers look after her dd. Ultimately they started putting her child into the after school club and charging her for it, she got most indignant but learnt to be a bit more punctual.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sat 19-Jan-13 17:23:51

long time ago but daughter had a friend over to stay. the next day, the girl's mum rang and said 'oh xxx will stay with you another couple of days...' and was quite put out when i said 'no she won't'. 'why not?' she demanded. 'because she isn't invited'. 'oh, i'll have to get her stepdad to pick her up then.' 'fine, you do that'.

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 17:48:36

and, that is really depressing. i understand needing space and if you are good friends with someone then to ask a favour is different, but to ask someone you barely know to have your kid for a few days is bloody awful. i feel really sorry for the kid. i've had a shite day really, didn't do the things i needed to and dd hasn't done any of her bloody homework of which she has loads. 70 dd has never been there before but they have only been friends for about 3/4 months, you know how kids are, they change their 'best' friends the way i change my undies. i will have her over again one half term as i don't think it fair on the girl to stop her having dd as a friend just because her mum is flaky or whatever it is she is. i still can't believe i was stood there in the snow with her dd holding one hand and her sleeping bag in the other. what a rotten scene. still, all's well that ends well. many different ways to bring up your child, noone knows what goes on behind closed doors. i know one women who when dd was younger and had birthday parties at our house, everyone else would drop their child off and then leave, she would come in, take her coat off and stay even though i didn't really know (or like) her, really awkward. i had to make boody uncomfortable conversation with her/feel i had to entertain her the whole time instead of other things. she lived nearby so could have easily gone home.

MissMarplesMaid Sat 19-Jan-13 18:55:53

Just thought I would post to say this sort of non-parenting is more common than you think. We have one more sleeping over tonight than planned as a parent has failed to come home.

Cheeryble Sat 19-Jan-13 19:14:20

It doesn't stop, either. I regularly find myself stepping over the bodies of teenage ds's friends sleeping on the sitting room floor, and almost universally it's because their parents have chucked them out, or they've had some massive row with them, or the parents aren't speaking to each other and the kids have had enough, or variations on all that. One poor lad does it because his parents are regularly pissed and objectionable. I mainly thank my stars that ds doesn't feel the need to escape from us in the same way.

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 19:42:12

missmarple i thought my thing was bad enough. you have someone literally staying the night? what does the parent say?/have they called you?

MissMarplesMaid Sat 19-Jan-13 19:54:41

bringnbuy - in our case the 'D'F has failed to show at home. My DD was having one girl to stay and asked if the younger sister could stay as she didnt want to wait alone to see if her F would turn up.

We had plenty of food and we have space and bedding so not a practical problem. This is the second time in the space of a fortnight that we have found ourselves unexpectedly hosting one or other of these girls. I am starting to suspect that we are being used as childcare.

They are all lower secondary school age so more capable of dealing with changed situations but this is not ideal.

bringnbuy Sat 19-Jan-13 20:02:16

missm sounds grim, feel sorry for the children. some grown ups are real stinkers sad

MissMarplesMaid Sat 19-Jan-13 20:30:06

bringnbuy, Cheeryble - these situations, yours and mine make you realise just how chaotic some young people's lives are.

MmeGuillotine Sun 20-Jan-13 20:29:57

I was one of those children when I was growing up. I think I spent over half my time as a teenager and beyond sleeping over at friends' houses because my grandparents had either beaten me up or thrown me out or both.

I still feel the most immense gratitude and affection for the friends' parents who put up with me and will pay it forward without question if any of my own children's friends ever need our help.

2littlemonkeys Mon 21-Jan-13 09:31:18

What time did she turn up?

bringnbuy Mon 21-Jan-13 10:14:44

Mme i hear where you are coming from but this girl wasn't at me because she was seeking refuge. i have seen her over the years in the school playground/local high street with her ma/brother & sister & father, they seem like a nice/ordinary family. the little girl is lovely, doesn't seem unhappy/unloved and her father is a really nice person, often had long chats with him. i think they are just laid back/bit airhead ish and just didn't give much thought to it/thought it would be ok if she spent the day with us. 2little - she didn't, i had to take her dd home two hours later. never mind. all in the past now, these things happen

MmeGuillotine Mon 21-Jan-13 10:32:40

Oh no, I was replying to MissMarplesMaid and Cheeryble up thread. I wasn't implying that there was any such scenario going on in your situation.

pigletmania Mon 21-Jan-13 11:12:39

Tats good op glad she was in. A bi cheeky, the other parent understood the message, Mabey dh conveniently forgot, so se could get some stuff done.

Pigsmummy Mon 21-Jan-13 11:26:02

I know that it is passive aggressive but if you have the girl over for a sleepover in future why not arrange to drop her off? You have a car and it will avoid the issue, hopefully next time it won't be snowy.

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