To feel really upset about the fact that I've never been married at 35 and I want more children?

(46 Posts)
BunFagFreddie Sat 19-Jan-13 09:32:01

This is eating me up. I don't know if it's my biological clock or what.

I spilt with DS's dad when he was 18 months. I always wanted two or three children and to get married. I preferably wanted my husband to be my DC's father. I don't feel that was an unreasonable expectation by any means.

After we split, I never met a man who wanted children with me or who wanted to marry me, so I'm still not married. DS is now 14 and is an only child. I honestly feel like it's a personal failing on my part.

I now have a DP, but he doesn't want children. He mentioned marriage a few times, but it's expensive, and he hasn't made much effort to sort it out anyway. No ring or actual proper proposal, so he can't be serious. So, last time he said something, I got really narked told him to save the money and that I'm not bothered about getting married now anyway. angry I feel rather crushed by him bringing it up whilst drunk when he obviously didn't mean it.

I love DS to bits and I know I am lucky to have him, but I still feel so upset that I'm 35 and my time is running out. It's unlikely that I'll have any more children. I feel so sad when I see friends and family that are married, or have more than one DC. I just feel like I'm not good enough for someone to marry, nobody wants to have children with me either. Am I really that bad?

I'm glad other people have good relationships and have beautiful children, but I wonder why they can have these things and I can't? What is so wrong with me that I'm 35, nobody has ever wanted to marry me and I have never found anyone to have another DC with?

Sorry for pity party, but AIBU to be really upset about this?

MrsMushroom Sat 19-Jan-13 09:35:26

Maybe you should finish the relationship. You're 35...not 55. Theres still time for more children.

Many women meet men and have DC in their 40s.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sat 19-Jan-13 09:36:55

So he doesn't want to get married and doesn't want children with you? What DOES he want?

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sat 19-Jan-13 09:37:35

YANBU BTW. You are only 35. I think you need a plan.

havingastress Sat 19-Jan-13 09:38:24

At 35 I was single, no relationship in sight and had no children.

Fast forward 3 years - beautiful 11 week old baby, gorgeous fiance who I am marrying in August. grin

You need to stay positive.

Oh. And ditch the loser. As previous poster said, you're 35, not 55. (although I don't think 55 is old either!) You need fresh perspective. Doesn't sound personally like your partner is the person you should be with (from your post)

Good luck!

BunFagFreddie Sat 19-Jan-13 09:38:27

We have been together for 5 years and living together for 4. I suppose that is as good as married in his eyes. I'd just like to make it more formal.

JeezyOrangePips Sat 19-Jan-13 09:39:06

YANBU to want to get married

YANBU to want more children.

But why on earth tell your DP that you don't want to get married? Your reaction to him because he was drunk pretty much guarantees that he won't broach the subject again. Maybe he brings it up when he's drunk because he's nervous about bringing it up when he's sober? A wedding doesn't have to be expensive. You can choose to make it so, but there is no need to spend thousands.

I think you need to sit down with your DP sober and discuss this properly. It's okay for you to bring it up. In fact, apologising for the way you reacted would be a good opener.

mummymacbeth Sat 19-Jan-13 09:39:50

i dont respond to many posts but didnt want to leave you without a response. sorry you are feeling bad. what I always do when I am not feeling happy with my lot is to remember what I do have rather than what I don't. you have a lovely son and a partner who loves you. also he is not a mind reader. if you want to marry him and have a child with him then tell him. If this is not what he wants think about what is more important to you. him or following your dream.

baskingseals Sat 19-Jan-13 09:41:51

having one child is underestimated imho.

there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. i think most relationships are a matter of timing. you both want the same thing at the same time.

wanting more children is a visceral thing. i don't know how you can stop feeling that. i can tell you that more than one is bloody hard work but it wont make any difference to how you feel. but know that what you see of other people's lives isn't necessarily how it is. nobody lives a perfect life.

have you thought about fostering? you sound so full of love - could there be somewhere else to put it?

also, 35 is not too late at all. it could all still change.
do you love dp? does he make you happy?

BillyBollyDandy Sat 19-Jan-13 09:42:30

For me wanting the DC would be more of dealbreaker than a marriage, although I agree that for some (including me) they do go hand in hand.

Do you want to meander along for the next 10 years with your DP? Because if I'm honest it doesn't sound like a match made in heaven, more a convenience? Sorry if I have that wrong.

BunFagFreddie Sat 19-Jan-13 09:42:56

JeezyOrangePips, you ma have a point there. I did just assume that being drunk invalidated the whole thing.

DP is not a loser and we get on mostly, appart from differences to do with sleeping habits.

I consider myself a feminist, so I'm disappointed in myself for being so upset about the marriage issue.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 09:44:44

So it sounds as though he is committed to you but just doesn't want marriage. I don't think that's so bad, not everyone does.

As for the children bit, i assume you've known since fairly early on that he didn't want kids? You've been together quite a while now so i can't help but wonder why you have stayed with him if he doesn't want the same things as you. If you really wanted other kids when you met and you knew he didn't then did you consider finishing with him so that you could find someone who did?

Flojobunny Sat 19-Jan-13 09:47:31

You've been together 5 years knowing he doesn't want children and you do?
You can't be that bothered about having more children then? Or am I missing something?
If you want more children then you don't settle with men who don't?
You either want to stay with DP and accept you will never have more children (bearing in mind you might split up in a few years when it really is too late) in which case YANBU to be upset but you do have to accept its your own fault.
Or you ditch DP and find someone who wants the same things as you.

Adversecamber Sat 19-Jan-13 09:48:16

If you actually love your partner and have a good relationship and he is a decent Father to your DS then I don't see why it would be a good idea to end it.

If the relationship is bad and he is a crap Dad to your DS then of course reevaluate and consider finishing.

You could perhaps meet someone who wants to marry and have dc you may also not.

Whatever is happening it does sound like you need a proper talk with your DP. I am not suggesting you try and persuade him to change his mind but tell him how you feel.

Adversecamber Sat 19-Jan-13 09:50:15

I asked my DH to marry me when we were both drunk and I did mean it but he thought I was joking. He did end up asking me.

marriedinwhite Sat 19-Jan-13 09:53:35

35 is not too late.

Think you need to decide if you love him enough to compromise over the children. If you don't then you need to find someone who wants the same things as you.

I know I'm ancient but if women want to get get married, why do they move in with men before they are engaged and before a date is set and then just drift - often unhappily. Fine if neither party wants to be married.

BunFagFreddie Sat 19-Jan-13 09:54:54

I did know that he didn't want DC, but it's not easy to find someone you get along well with, let alone someone who ticks all the boxes and wants children.

Flojobunny you make it sound like there are loads of men out there who would love to father my children. Unfortunately not so. I can't just wake up one day and think "I'll find a man who wants children with me". I could be single forever!

I'd love to know where people find all these men who can't wait to become dads, because I haven't met any of them! DS's dad didn't even want children! So, I have chosen to be with someone I get along with and who is a good step parent to my son.

bigkidsdidit Sat 19-Jan-13 09:55:53

I think you need to steel yourself and talk to him about it. Your response probably means he won't bring it up again!

If he really, really doesn't want to get marrie and have children, you can decide what to do, whether to leave or not. 35 is not too late but you'd have to make your mind up. But you never know, he might have been thinking about these things too.

MrsBucketxx Sat 19-Jan-13 09:55:58

You have to decide if having more dc and being married is more important than your dp.

If it is you have to end it, or you'll ve miserable. Tell dp what your intentions are straight, if he still says no then say goodbye.

He may shock you and say yes (maybe just to keep you), then its about times scales, it has to be yes in six months a year whatever. Then if he doesn't you'll know for definite.

Time for a frank talk I think

BunFagFreddie Sat 19-Jan-13 09:59:35

For all I know I might not be very fertile these days!

I can't help wanting more DC, it's getting worse the older I get. It wasn't so much of an issue 5 years ago and I thought I could come to terms with it.

HollyBerryBush Sat 19-Jan-13 10:00:54

There's a lot of issues in your post that you need to look at one by one.

From the way you have written it, you see marriage as the holy grail and that you are a failure if no one has ever asked you.

Is it the idea of a wedding rather than being married you are liking?

Is your DP Mr Right, or just Mr Right Now Until Someone Better Comes Along?

is your desire for another child more important than your stable relationship with a man who has been parenting your son for 4 years more important?

FWIW a wedding is as expensive as you choose to make it - I cant be doing with all this boo*hoo it's too expensive to get married - because if it's being married to your soul mate, thats cheap as chips down the regitry office - if it's the whole Bridezilla experience - well that's a lot more money.

Xales Sat 19-Jan-13 10:02:35

Marriage isn't expensive. A big white wedding is expensive. A registry office or even a church if you are religious can be done without spending oodles.

If you want to he married tell him and make it clear when by. If he makes excuses or doesn't want you need to decide where to gee from there.

AlexisCarringtonColby Sat 19-Jan-13 10:05:24

Could you ask him to have a serious discussion about marriage? Marriage is such a difficult and divisive thing, I'm not surprised you are upset. But perhaps he doesn't want to get married at all, but is scared of saying this as he is worried that you will end the relationship because of this? It took my DP a long time to admit that he never wanted to get married, though this didn't mean he wasn't as committed to me as people who do get married, he just doesn't feel marriage is right for him. I wouldn't have minded getting married but I was happy not to once he had told me the truth, I understand his reasons and I know he loves me. He wanted children, which was more important to me. But he was very scared to talk about it and kept almost stringing me along, as he was so scared that I would leave because of it.

Just a thought. But if he really can't make his mind up whether he wants to marry you or have children, it could be that there is no future in this relationship for you. YANBU to be upset about this.

BunFagFreddie Sat 19-Jan-13 10:08:43

I agree HollyBerryBush, and I don't want an expensive one. I'd be happy with something small and informal.

To be honest it has got to the point where I just feel I should be married by now, because everyone else seems to be. I know it's silly, but I do feel it's down to some sort of failing on my part.

I don't believe in mr right. DP and I have our moments like anyone else, but I think our relationship is good. We have a laugh and can be silly with each other and I don't feel as though I have to pretend to be someone I'm not.

You're right. I shouldn't throw that away, because I probably won't find that with anyone else. He is also great with DS.

marriedinwhite Sat 19-Jan-13 10:09:20

I don't think you find them when you go looking OP. I think you come across them when you are doing other interesting things that you have a passion for. I met my first boyfriend through sailing, my second because I did an antiques course and dh because we were both political activists. Not because I was looking for a partner or a boyfriend.

MrsBucketxx Sat 19-Jan-13 10:10:17

Everyone I know seems to be getting divorced in my case, not everyone is in a happy marriage.

MrsBucketxx Sat 19-Jan-13 10:12:09

You have said it yourself then your dp is more important,

Time to move on, and concentrate on what you have.

HollyBerryBush Sat 19-Jan-13 10:15:09

it has got to the point where I just feel I should be married by now, because everyone else seems to be

So you just want what everyone else has? trust me on this one, not all married couples are deleriously happy!

But if you don't believe in Mr Right - then there is no point in marrying him sad - take a bit of advice from an old fart like me - you will meet loads oblokes you could live with, you marry the one you can't live without.

Eliza22 Sat 19-Jan-13 10:16:17

I know exactly what you mean. But..... You're only 35!!!! Forget this man. It sounds like a compromise to me. You need to say what you want and if he and you aren't on the same footing then it's time to move on.

I was 37 when I married and 38 when I had my son, who's now 12. I wanted another child but, my DH didn't. You are young enough to try to have another child but you and 'a' partner have to want the same things.

And no, you're not unreasonable to have wanted to be married to the father of your child but, times change and that whole "marriage/kids/together forever" thing is rare nowadays.

I divorced my first husband. It seemed like we had even less in common than not wanting another child. I'm now happily married to a man that, had I met him sooner, I would have happily have had another child with but sadly, it wasn't to be. You STILL can do that, so.....

Tryharder Sat 19-Jan-13 10:23:20

I know a lot of people who haven't been married by the age of 35 and are childless to boot. Some are bothered, some not.

My colleague met her DH at the age of 42 and was married and pregnant within a year.

It sounds like you and your DP are getting your wires crossed. He wants marriage but talked about it when drunk so you dismissed it and pretended you didn't want to get married so now he thinks you don't want to get married.......it's like a bad rom-com!

I think you and him need to Talk. He may not be that bothered about having children but could be persuaded otherwise. If he's really adamant that he doesn't want kids, yes, it may be a deal breaker for you.

Fairylea Sat 19-Jan-13 10:25:48

I've been engaged three times and married twice.

I got married to my present dh last year and we have a 7 month old ds. I also have dd aged 9 from my first long term relationship.

I am in my mid 30s.

We met on - horror of horrors as people respond - plenty of fish ! smile he was living at his mum's after leaving university... he is 7 years younger than me.

He's been an excellent partner and soulmate to me... yes we have ups and downs but we work a team.

I am now a sahm (something I always wanted to be) , we own a house together and he now has a good job. Dd loves him to bits.

Don't settle for settled. You only have one life.

marriedinwhite Sat 19-Jan-13 10:25:54

Lovely advice *Hollyberrybush*. You meet loads of blokes you could live with and you marry the one you can't live without. That's one I'm going to remember.

DeafLeopard Sat 19-Jan-13 10:39:23

Agree with both of Holly's posts.

havingastress Sat 19-Jan-13 11:52:47

I met my first boyfriend through sailing, my second because I did an antiques course and dh because we were both political activists. Not because I was looking for a partner or a boyfriend

THIS is how you find a partner who is the right person! Totally agree Marriedinwhite. This is how I found my partner.

Oh. And at 30 I was engaged to a lovely man, who I could 'totally get along with'. This is not a good reason to stay in a long term relationship! My lovely fiance is still lovely and still a very good friend of mine!!!!! BUT he didn't want the same things I did. If I hadn't left him, I'd still be not married and without a child!

You need to focus on finding yourself, hobbies, doing things you enjoy. Sorry, but it doesn't sound as though you're with the man of your dreams, just a man who'll do for now? Well, that's how it comes across...sorry.

BunFagFreddie Sat 19-Jan-13 12:02:10

Yes, I do things I enjoy, I don't meet these men who are keen to reproduce though. My Jujitsu class is full of teenagers, married men and an old women. My antiques restoration class is full of married middle aged men and women. In fact most men I know are married. hmm

I think this getting married and having DC's thing is clearly not something that will happen for me. Some people are just lucky I guess.

VelvetSpoon Sat 19-Jan-13 12:39:08

OP, I think you have to decide (and its a hard decision) if your DP means more to you than the possibility of marriage and more children. Because those things are, not wishing to be cruel, only a possibility, not a certainty.

I split up with my Ex at 35. I always wanted to get married, I always wanted another child (3rd in my case). 5 years on I am single, not for the want of trying, and have had no more children. The difference in my case is that my relationship with Ex was awful, and that was why I ended it.

You will get loads of people telling you how they met partners in their mid 30s, marriage and babies followed quickly etc, but honestly not everyone is that lucky, and I know more people it hasnt happened for - myself included.

gotthemoononastick Sat 19-Jan-13 12:44:05

He is getting all his creature comforts...in Africa we say "why buy a cow if you get free milk?".You are still young enough to move on.Regret in your later years is a terrible thing.

marriedinwhite Sat 19-Jan-13 13:46:13

In Kent my grannie said "don't give them the key to the candystore until they've given you their name. C1960s. Bit old fashioned but the sentiment remains I think.

MrsMushroom Sat 19-Jan-13 14:42:31

married no it doesn't. It's as outdated as feeling the need to TAKE their name.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 14:54:39

I can't help but wonder why when he is a step parent already, he isn't keen to have another one. Its not like he can really dislike being around kids or anything.

I know its not something you can compromise on very well but if i were him i would want to make you happy and if that meant having another child then so be it.

Does he give reasons?

curiousuze Sat 19-Jan-13 14:54:59

You sound so defeatist. If the thought of life with your DP - never getting married, never having more children - makes you feel so low, then why on earth stay with him? You're 35! You've got another 10 years to have kids probably. I got married at 35 and just had my first child at 37. I would rather have stayed single than settle out of fear of the unknown.

If you'd rather sit around feeling sorry for yourself then stay with your DP by all means. But if you want a different life then go and get it!

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sat 19-Jan-13 17:08:27

sack him and have a look around. sitting at home with a 'dp' never got anyone a proper husband. ask your family and friends who they know who actually wants a wife.

andtheycalleditbunnylove Sat 19-Jan-13 17:13:22

He is getting all his creature comforts...in Africa we say "why buy a cow if you get free milk?".
exactly. my grandma made similar points in different ways. 'if you put all your goods in the window, why would anyone come into the shop?'
and erm, that beardy guy who was probably cleanshaven - 'don't cast your pearls before swine' - admittedly, he was talking about religious teaching but the principle is the same.
i wish women would realise what they're doing when they're having their 'rights' to a free and easy no strings sex life.
who'd want to take home a cup of milk when half the neighbourhood has dipped in the bucket?

SpicyPear Sat 19-Jan-13 17:17:39

You are not unreasonable to want those things. You are being unreasonable to stay for so long with a DP that doesn't share your hopes and for wasting 5 years with someone who isn't giving what you want out of a relationship. That's 5 years of missed opportunity. At 35 you still have time but not if you stay with this guy.

shrimponastick Sat 19-Jan-13 17:24:58

YANBU to want what YOU want.

What I would do is tell DP how it is. That you want another DC and you want to be married. If he umms and aaahhs and delays answering - that is your answer.

Move on and enjoy being alone with your DC and look for a man who does want to marry you and have a child/ren with you.

The l onger you leave it the harder the decision - and the more difficult to concieve too.

I spent from being 30 to 38 as a single parent (broke up with my DF, DS's father - he didn't want to get married (to me) and didn't want more DC), but met DH when I was 38, married when I was 40. So it is certainly not impossible to meet someone suitable. You have to be honest and state what you really want in order to have a chance of achieving that.

HollyBerryBush Sat 19-Jan-13 17:36:38

"why buy a cow if you get free milk?".

I say that all the time! grin

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