to not invite these partners to my wedding?

(165 Posts)
gollumiscute Sat 19-Jan-13 01:42:59

Whilst I was at uni I lived with four girls, they all stayed in the same area when uni finished, and I moved back down south. So unfortunately because of distance and commitments we are lucky to see each other once a year but keep in touch via text/email/skype.

We are making the guest list for our wedding and I would absolutely love and want to invite these girls, however they all have partners (one has been with her partner for 5 years.)

We are paying £40 a head. So to just invite the girls it would cost £160 and if we invited all their partners too it would obviously cost £320.

One of the partners I have never met, two I really like and have known them since I knew my friends and the last one I don't particularly like as even though he's quite a shy person when he would come over to our house he wouldn't even say hi if he walked into the room you were in.

I wouldn't invite some partners and not others. Also we have limited seating and I'd rather give the other seats to closer friends. But if the girls come they will be giving up a weekend due to traveling.

aibu? I know some people would be offended if their partner was not invited to a wedding they were invited to.

gingerpig Sat 19-Jan-13 02:02:52

I wouldn't be offended. one of my friends decided that they would only invite partners if the couple were engaged or living together. we weren't. I quite enjoyed having the time alone with my friends tbh!

DeepRedBetty Sat 19-Jan-13 02:09:11

yanbu if you're being consistent with this particular group. Your wedding your rules. I went to a couple of weddings post uni without dp, it was refreshing to flirt catch up with old chums without constantly having to introduce him to people and ensure he wasn't bored.

Keep posting here, we'll soon tell you if you're developing Bridezilla tendencies!

INeedThatForkOff Sat 19-Jan-13 03:27:39

YABU, I think. It's rude, especially if you do as gingerpig days and decide or not based on marital status. Many couples will never marry, and this sort of discrimination (ott I know, can't think of a better word just now) makes co-habiting an inferior status.

I have declined an invitation for this reason, not because I can't bear to spend time with my DH (DP at the time), but because it was a rudeness to him. We'd been together a lot longer than the couple in question. I would also have been pissed off if he attended a wedding to which I wasn't invited.

You decided on a venue with a smaller capacity than it seems you need and which charges £40 per head. You need to decide how important yout friendships with these 'girls' <shudder> are.

LoopsInHoops Sat 19-Jan-13 03:30:20

We tried doing this and ended up relenting. Not worth the upset.

HouseOfBears Sat 19-Jan-13 03:55:31

Personally I'd suck it up and invite them all, especially as two of them you know really well. If your numbers are really that tight though, then I'd have a word with your friends before sending the invites so they don't feel affronted when they open them (or assume that their DP is included even though it's only their name on it!)

feministefatale Sat 19-Jan-13 04:21:39

Some people only have say space for 20 people. That means inviting 10 friends and their partners or 20 friends. Why should you be rude to your actual friends in order to not be seen as rude to your friend's partners?

Invite them explain you haven't got room for them all to come and as long as you do the same for everyone there should not be a problem

ZooAnimals Sat 19-Jan-13 05:49:08

I think it's fine as long as you're consistent i.e. 4 partners or no partners, but not just 2. If it was just one friend it would be worse, but they'll all be in the same boat and so can travel down/be at the wedding/stay over together.

If they're massively put out about it then not really friends imo, not worth £160 extra to accommodate someone who can't be understanding/put their own preferences aside for one day.

MidnightMasquerader Sat 19-Jan-13 06:13:03

I've never been invited to a wedding just me; not has DH. Would I be put out if either of us was? No. But it's just not something I'd ever do myself.

As far as I'm concerned, it's just not the done thing to only invite one half of a couple. I had a couple of partners I'd never met at our wedding - not having such people just wasn't even a consideration.

My feeling is, you wouldn't invite just one half to any other social event - a birthday, a Christening, or any other knees-up, so why is it OK at a wedding?

Weddings, to me, are just as much about accommodating guests and being hospitable and ensuring they have a fabulous and memorable time, as they are about the bride and groom - not a popular opinion, I know.

myBOYSareBONKERS Sat 19-Jan-13 06:34:24

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. In fact I suggested exactly this for a friends wedding as she was on a tight budget.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Sat 19-Jan-13 06:35:38

I think it would be rude not to invite partners. But could you try discussing your predicament with them and see what that they say?

ZooAnimals Sat 19-Jan-13 06:43:20

'My feeling is, you wouldn't invite just one half to any other social event - a birthday, a Christening, or any other knees-up, so why is it OK at a wedding?'

Loads of people have 'single sex' birthdays. My sister just had a girly spa day for her birthday; husbands and boyfriends not invited. One of my friends went go-karting, guys only. I think it's fairly common tbh.

Hen/Stag parties are one-half only social events.

Work things (Christmas meal etc) are often 'no partners'.

Only inviting half a couple to a Christening might be a bit odd though, but as with the wedding it depends on the circumstances.

fairylightsandtinsel Sat 19-Jan-13 06:51:29

Also with other types of events you usually aren't paying for everyone, with weddngs you are, so it is different

HollyBerryBush Sat 19-Jan-13 07:04:50

I think you need to be up front and explain that you

(a) are on a limited budget
(b) have a small venue with limited space
(c) it is a small wedding and you don;t want it getting out of control

Persoanlally I don't think it's the dine thing to invite one half of a couple either but each to their own

How would react, hypothetically if your frieds agreed to attend the wedding and breakfast minus partners, but partners joined in the evening events? Or they offered to pay for their partners breakfast meal?

meditrina Sat 19-Jan-13 07:04:55

I think you do not need to invite partners - or even spouses - but I know I'm in the minority in still holding a view that was widespread in 1950s!

But if you stop to think that you are inviting the individuals who matter to you, then adding their family members is obviously an optional add-on. (If you want to invite a whole family because you want all of them there, that's quite different). Nor are couples a 2-headed 4-legged creature that must always move together, remaining your own person socially has always been totally respectable (from pov of both inviter and invitee). But you will find, I'm sorry to say, many who do take umbrage if you are not meticulous in meeting their expectations of indivisibility, not independence.

PrincessOfChina Sat 19-Jan-13 07:11:40

Depends. When you see your girlfriends do you just meet as a group of girls or do partners come along too? If the latter I think you need to invite them. If the former I'd just give them a call (or a group email so you're saying it to them all at the same time) and ask if they'd mind having a girls day at your wedding.

Could you invite the partners for the evening do? If the guys know each other they might be more than happy to pop off for a game of golf or something?

I think it's fine. You are friends with the girls not their partners. As a pp said though be consistent none of the partners or all 4.
We did he same at our wedding, it was very small and on a budget we invited a couple of our uni friends without their partners and they were fine with it (and in the end they did end up coming as we had people who couldn't make it so invited them instead)

SushiPaws Sat 19-Jan-13 07:28:14

Yabu I think.

You said you moved down south, so I assume your guests will be travelling and paying for accommodation.

I find that couples always dwell on the cost they are paying per head and don't take into consideration the cost that guests will pay for travel and accommodation.

Dh was invited to a wedding before we got married. We were engaged and living together. He would have to take the Friday and Saturday off as a holiday days, it would've cost as much as a weekend away somewhere cheap for us both. If we'd both been invited we'd have gone but since our holidays were so precious to us he didn't go. (We both worked long hours and didn't get much time together).

It's difficult I understand but the potential to offend is high and you have to consider other people's lives and plans.

bakingaddict Sat 19-Jan-13 07:30:51

It's fine if your uni friends decide that they would like a girly weekend without their partners but personally i'd let them decide that and extend the invitation to all their partners.

IMO I think it's a bit crass not to invite guests partner's, it just smacks of penny-pinching to me and nothing states a person's true regard for your partner quite like them being left off a wedding invitation. What's an extra £160 in the grand scheme of wedding costs to limit any potential bad feeling.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 07:48:25

YABU

You need to figure out what your numbers are without being rude (and not inviting partners is rude) and then see what your budget will allow.

Deciding which people you think are "worth" £20 is a really horrible way to think about it.

issimma Sat 19-Jan-13 07:54:00

We had a very small wedding (14 guests each), but invited couples instead of more friends. I did wish it had been socially acceptable to just have one 'half', but it isn't.

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 07:59:08

I would speak to them all and explain about numbers and costs etc. I'm never offended by this type of thing as long as the person takes the time to explain why. It just makes it feel less hurtful.

noviceoftheday Sat 19-Jan-13 08:03:51

Yabu. And rude. You want them to give up a weekend to come and celebrate the significance of your relationship while you are diminishing the significance of their relationship. In the past, I accepted the invitation, these days I would just decline.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 08:12:39

I also think not inviting their partners sends a message that your friendship with them is a thing of the past.

That you are inviting them to remind yourself of that era of your life, but that you have no real interest in their lives as they are now

There are few enough social occasions for seeing distant friends. Having them and their partners there is far more sociable than insisting that only your actual friends that you know are worth your money.

Better to think in terms of hospitality than cash - what kind of wedding do you want this to be?

One that people remember fondly as a great time and which inspires future get togethers?

Or one that people attend dutifully before they are eased (or ease themselves) out of your life?

ZooAnimals Sat 19-Jan-13 08:14:00

'What's an extra £160 in the grand scheme of wedding costs'

This is a good point.

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 08:21:49

Rude, rude, rude. You expect them to travel and attend a wedding feeling like spinster Sal on a day that is all about love and commitment. You are obviously not able to afford the wedding you want the way you want. I've done it once, been invited to a friends wedding without dh and it was shit and awkward. We'd been married longer than this couple had been together. Old school friend marrying a guy we went to school with. I felt like an idiot, 6 months pregnant sitting with my other three friends and explaining to people I hadn't seen in years, oh yes I'm married now, no he's not here.

Rude.

It actually sent a pretty clear signal to my other friends and I. Like we were invited through obligation.

flowery Sat 19-Jan-13 08:21:57

YABU

You should have made your guest list before choosing your venue.

You also say you wouldn't invite some partners and not others, but are only talking about these few friends, which presumably means all your other guests' partners are invited? If so, your friends will be hmm once they realise.

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 08:26:16

The friend that done it to us explained that it was because of the venue etc which I was fine about but it still rankles. Other people were there with partners, it was a bloody ceilidh too so who the hell were we meant to dance with? I hated the whole thing to be honest.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 08:27:31

Your wedding is a party.

What will make it fun?

Hint: not just pleasing yourself and expecting your guests to be props in your play about you.

Branleuse Sat 19-Jan-13 08:33:22

I think its a bit rude tbh, especially if theyd be travelling for the wedding

maddening Sat 19-Jan-13 08:33:48

The hotel and travel and clothes and your present will come to more than £100 per couple - probably closer to £200 ( especially if the hotel is charging £40 per head.

So the least you can do is fling £40 for their partner's dinner.

Branleuse Sat 19-Jan-13 08:34:59

if my partner wasnt invited and i had to travel, I just wouldnt go. Weddings are boring enough as it is if you dont know many people and you cant just go home when you want.
As the person above said. The guests are not just props in a play for you

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 08:40:23

Lol at the assumption that once you are in a relationship you are no longer an individual and have to go to everything together!

RubyrooUK Sat 19-Jan-13 08:41:03

I know how expensive weddings are. But I think not asking partners says, as someone says upthread, that you are only inviting someone as an old friend rather than being interested in their current life and partners.

Also a wedding is all about the importance of you and your DP being together, so it seems funny to me to ask your friends to come along without their important people - their partners. (Would you be offended if they got married after this and didn't invite your new DH as they didn't really know him?)

If you really can't afford it though, then I would just write/phone and explain that you can't afford too many people there and you've asked them to come without partners. Some people on this thread wouldn't be offended at all, so your friends may not be either.

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 08:43:20

Op isn't suggesting the friends go alone though she is suggesting inviting four old friend who know each other.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 08:47:41

"she is suggesting inviting four old friend who know each other."

So she is asking them to rewind their lives to the way they were when she knew them best.

So more prop than guest.

atacareercrossroads Sat 19-Jan-13 08:48:03

Hmm.... It wouldn't bother me too much if you explained why. It is a bit rude though. How about being totally honest, maybe they'll pay for the other meal? I would.

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 08:48:13

Who made that assumption ledkr?

expatinscotland Sat 19-Jan-13 08:51:01

Invite fewer people if you're doing one of these weddings where people have to travel over a whole weekend and spend £££.

RubyrooUK Sat 19-Jan-13 08:53:56

I think that's fine Ledkr - if the OP wouldn't expect her DH to be invited to these women's weddings in future because she could hang out with her old friends and they see it that way too, then it sounds like everyone would be happy.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 08:56:38

Yanbu. I think its a perfectly ok thing to do. I don't see why at your wedding you should have to have people there you aren't close to. Id find that weird personally.

There was a recent thread about this though and there were some who felt that their partner not being invited was an "insult to their relationship/meant the bride and groom didn't care about their relationship/felt that a wedding of two people is actually a time of celebration of all relationships everywhere and so all couples must be invited"

hmm

hermioneweasley Sat 19-Jan-13 09:00:51

So, for the legal aspects of a marriage, yo could go to a registry office with a couple of witnesses and achieve that aim. You're not doing that, so it seems that on top of the legal aspects, you want to make vows in front of your community and celebrate your relationship with those that matter to you.

It seems to me that you should have a venue that it big enough for all the people that matter in that case. If you aren't committed to this place, I would think again.

If that's not possible, you'll have to be upfront and tell them that their partners simply aren't as important to you as other people. And as and when they get married you will have to be prepared to go without your DH.

PicaK Sat 19-Jan-13 09:01:10

If you can find the money then invite the partners. You are going to know these girls for years, they may marry these guys and have children and grandchildren and although you may not see them lots that shared history counts for a lot.

I left some partners out at my wedding breakfast and as the years go by i deeply regret it. I wish i had stuffed the flowers or the expensive shoes instead.

PickledInAPearTree Sat 19-Jan-13 09:03:13

Wouldn't bother me. Four uni friends,, weekend away, no men? Quite nice.

You can see by some of the comments though - its possible they might not see it that way!

shesariver Sat 19-Jan-13 09:04:56

They may all know each other but it was a long time ago and OP did say they rarely meet up these days because of circumstances. So once together it will be different to when they were all living together. I wouldn't like to be stuck a long way from home at a wedding when all the people I knew were 3 friends I lived with years ago, I would want my DH there. And its nothing to do with not being able to function as an individual without him or any nonsense like that but I enjoy his company so would want him there, especially for the slow dances!

SO YABU, seems mean to quibble about £160.

atacareercrossroads Sat 19-Jan-13 09:05:26

Oh, have read op after ny coffee and yabvu if you actually know the partners! Talk about driving.g a wedge in the friendship

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 09:10:19

The assumption * mrs richards* I feel comes from posts like

So she is asking them to rewind their lives to the way they were when she knew them best.

When I got married I didn't erase who I was. The person I was before is the person I am now I'm just married. I don't see that I am incapable of going anywhere without him because that in some way would be going back to my old self, because I sn stil that person!

It's just my opinion though, bit too early to be disagreeing grin

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:12:53

"I don't see why at your wedding you should have to have people there you aren't close to."

Ah, the wedding as performance rather than enjoyable social occasion strikes again.

MidnightMasquerader Sat 19-Jan-13 09:15:26

I couldn't agree more, AThing - but it seems to be an obscure viewpoint to some... wink

shesariver Sat 19-Jan-13 09:19:24

Absolutely athing....think some brides and grooms forget that once everyone has watched them get married it can be a very long day if you are not enjoying yourself.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:20:44

That's not what I meant at all, ledkr.

The remark was about the expectation that these women, who may not still be friends in any significant way, are expected to pal up and hang out together for the OP's pleasure.

If you make your wedding into a celebration of your life so far, it will be more like an endpoint than a new beginning.

These women's partners are important in their lives now.

Having them as a part of an important social occasion is more likely to lead to ongoing contact with these friends.

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 09:20:46

But isn't a wedding "a performance" dressing up and being sat at the front of the audience guests' making speeches, the first dance!
If you want to do all that then I'm guessing you'd want as many important people as you can afford there to view it all.
Don't take any notice if me though. I don't get the whole wedding thing anyway. We snuck off on Xmas eve and just did it. We had a new car and a nice holiday instead grin

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:21:46

"But isn't a wedding "a performance" dressing up and being sat at the front of the audience guests' making speeches, the first dance!"

No.

TheSecondComing Sat 19-Jan-13 09:21:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Adversecamber Sat 19-Jan-13 09:23:49

I think it is fine not to invite partners, I would however speak to them about it

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:28:45

"I'm guessing you'd want as many important people as you can afford there to view it all."

Quite.

But this turns on the definition of the word "important".

It's a pretty big statement to say to your friend that her partner of 5 years, whom you know and like, is not important.

Asking the "girls" to come alone is pretty much saying "come to my wedding and then we will go our separate ways. Your life now is of no interest to me."

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 09:30:25

We it sure looks like it to me or why get dressed up etc. could just rock up in a nice dress and sit with your guests. Or not have anyone there at all.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:33:26

You think the only reason to wear nice clothes is for a performance?

Um... OK.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 09:34:01

Athing. "I don't see why at your wedding you should have to have people there you aren't close to." - Ah, the wedding as performance rather than enjoyable social occasion strikes again.

For me if i were to get married it wouldn't be a performance but a very meaningful, special day, and i wouldn't want people there watching who i hardly knew. Its a private thing that i would want to share with those i love, not be gawped at by practical strangers.

I think its getting married in front of strangers that turns it into a performance, rather than if its just in front of those you know and love.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 09:34:43

Oops posted too soon.

So i think you've got it the wrong way around Athing.

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 09:36:57

fuck that's what I mean. Thanks for saying it so much better than me.

princessnumber2 Sat 19-Jan-13 09:37:03

Why don't you just ask them up front? My wedding had a strict numbers limit (because of venue and budget). I have a HUGE family and already couldn't invite loads of family members. To invite all of my family and all of our close friends and their partners and kids, it would have been a wedding of 300+ (which I've been to and you basically don't get to see everyone anyway). We wanted the people we were closest to at our wedding and that didn't necessarily follow a straightforward set of rules.

I was in a v similar situation to you. A group of friends who were all v close but I didn't know their partners at all. I couldn't have only invited some of the group so it was a case of them coming as a group without partners or not coming at all.

I talked to them about it in advance and explained the situation. They were all fine with it and understood. One was a tiny bit shitty but came round in the end (more so after he got married and was in the same boat grin).

Some friends did get to bring partners but that was because they'd just had a baby and were coming with the kids etc. We tried really hard to be fair on everyone and to accommodate people who were 8 months pregnant, breastfeeding, travelling from abroad etc.

Wedding guest lists are a nightmare (as is the seating plan) and you almost always put someone's nose out of joint.

At our wedding the people who came without their partners said they had a lot of fun and didn't spend the event looking after their OH.

I think that was because they knew loads of people at the wedding. It's a bit different if they wouldn't know many people/anyone there.

VestaCurry Sat 19-Jan-13 09:38:10

YABU. The approach to weddings in this country gets curiouser and curiouser.

iamabadger Sat 19-Jan-13 09:44:06

I know op mentioned the money per head, which I agree isn't much in the total if a medium to large wedding, but it's not just a out that is it? Having four people she doesn't particularly want there takes up four places she could use for other people. Saying she should have a bigger venue us ridiculous-if that's where she wants to get married and is what she can afford then that's where she should choose! I presume a bigger venue would cost far more than £40 per head. Her friends are not joined at the hip to these men, and plenty if women who are single go to weddings and don't look like spinster Sal as so wine charmingly phrased it. So what if other guests think they are single it hardly makes them lepers!

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:47:00

"For me if i were to get married it wouldn't be a performance but a very meaningful, special day, and i wouldn't want people there watching who i hardly knew. Its a private thing that i would want to share with those i love, not be gawped at by practical strangers."

You consider your friends' partners to be "practical strangers"?

Even ones you know and like? That they've been with for half a decade?

confused

It's easy to see why some people struggle socially.

PS a wedding isn't a private thing. It's a public thing.

That's the whole fucking point.

But you have given me an insight into what motivates bridezillas.

Guess what?

At your wedding, you are a host.

The people who show up to celebrate with you should have a nice day.

It's not all about you.

shesariver Sat 19-Jan-13 09:54:43

I think its getting married in front of strangers that turns it into a performance, rather than if its just in front of those you know and love

But they are not strangers to the good friends are they or in this case even the OP, thats the point. Its not all about saying a few vows, its the party to celebrate afterwards and it strikes me as self absorbent if the bride cant see that to. At the end of the day I couldnt care less who watched me get married, some stranger off the street could have wandered into the church for all I care, I was so happy to be marrying someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And I was looking forward to the reception, I wanted everyone to have a good time and if my guests wanted their partners there for this then I was fine with it.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 09:55:18

"Having four people she doesn't particularly want there takes up four places she could use for other people."

Charming!

Dear Friend, your partner is just not somebody I care to have around. There are other people I like more.

Please come and celebrate how wonderful I am.

Yours in hideous self obsession,

Bridezilla

FeistyLass Sat 19-Jan-13 10:03:24

You know your friends best so can you judge whether they would see it as an insult?
A relative sent partnerless invites to myself and my sisters and I know my sisters were very offended. (some of them have been married for over 20 years and our brothers' wives were invited (despite not being married for as long) so it did seem like a bit of an insult to them tbh!)
However, I also have a friend who invited a group of her friends without their partners and they were all fine with it. She did speak to them about it first.

ovenchips Sat 19-Jan-13 10:10:08

AThingInYourLife has put it better than I ever could in her posts.

People are doing a lovely thing for you by coming. It involves £££, a lot of prep, time and inconvenience. It really is not you doing a lovely thing for them.

Your wedding wouldn't be quite what you envisaged without guests to celebrate with would it? (Or presumably you'd elope).

So why begrudge your guests the opportunity to actually have a good time by being thoughtful about what it would take for them to do that?

When it is single invitations and i would have to spend weekend with 'old' friends (i.e. people i hardly ever see anymore) without someone close (ie a partner) to spend it with, I wouldn't feel grateful about a mean-spirited invitation of one.

TheBrideofMucky Sat 19-Jan-13 10:15:46

I would invite partners too sorry. Think it would be rude not to, especially the ones you already know. I'm having partners I haven't met at my wedding too so can see where you are coming from.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 10:20:29

PS a wedding isn't a private thing. It's a public thing. That's the whole fucking point. But you have given me an insight into what motivates bridezillas.

If it were truly a public event there would be no such thing as a guest list.

As for your bridezilla comment and the swearing grin It just makes you sound daft. You're so desperate to win this argument! Why? Are you scared of stepping out of the house alone! You yourself sound like a guestzilla. Its a controlling thing i think. You. Can't. Control. How. Someone. Else. Plans. Their. Wedding.

You're the one who said a wedding isn't a performance, but then say its public and so anyone can come. Sounds like a performance to me! You're contradicting yourself.

For me its a special day that special to me people come to = not a performance.

mrsjay Sat 19-Jan-13 10:24:09

I think inviting 'the girls' is fine without partners I was at a wedding with just work people a few years ago no partners/husbands were invited I think it was cost as well , would they be offended probably not if they dont come then at least you invited them

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 10:24:14

A wedding ceremony is a public event, that isn't up for debate.

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 10:27:50

We are getting married this year. We've decided we will invite partners if they re living together or married. If it's someone they are 'seeing' then we won't.

To not invite the partner of someone who is living with their partner, is in my eyes, and as someone else said, like saying the relationship is inferior just because they aren't. My fiancé is my family now and has been for a long time now, despite not being married and if someone didn't invite him to a wedding then I wouldn't have gone either.

LaCiccolina Sat 19-Jan-13 10:28:04

All have been with partners for 18mths plus? These are then likely long term aren't they?

Do they live together? Ditto

Do they have kids? Ditto

If the answers are yes then they should be invited. If they've been dating for six months no.

Tbh at ur wedding u won't spend much time with them. It won't be a Uni reunion per se. They may not really like each other now, for gawds sake give em someone they do like, their partner to talk too!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 10:29:44

Charming! Dear Friend, your partner is just not somebody I care to have around. There are other people I like more. Please come and celebrate how wonderful I am. Yours in hideous self obsession, Bridezilla

Not everyone has an endless pot of money. So if she invites those she loves, plus their partners plus the others who ideally would have come instead of the partners, who gets uninvited so she can afford it? Her nan? Perhaps her parents or her own children.

Unrealistic to be able to expect everyone to have enough money to be able to invite everyone and all their partners and be able to feed them all in a venue that can fit them all. Often people have to make comprises.

Just inviting them alone is better than not inviting them at all and if that's all the op can afford then that's what she should do. Imagine if she didn't invite them at all, Im sure that would upset them more.

I think it mostly comes down to some people being really opinionated about the correct way to do a wedding and not being able to accept that others can make their own choices. Its my way or its wrong! That why so many people clash with their parents and other relations when it comes to weddings. Everyone wants it their way and think they are right!

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 10:31:38

That's even more insulting green who are you to sit and cast judgment on the quality of people's relationship?

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 10:34:58

You're right fuck there is no right or wrong, your wedding you can do whatever the hell you want to do. What you want to do might be seen as rude, insulting or selfish. You need to be prepared for that.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 10:38:20

"You're the one who said a wedding isn't a performance, but then say its public and so anyone can come. Sounds like a performance to me! You're contradicting yourself."

You think all things that happen in public are performances?

Do you struggle with English as well as basic manners?

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 10:38:40

Err...which bit do you think I'm casting judgment in? I'm confused! Maybe i wasnt clear.

Is it the bit where I put about if it's someone they are seeing? By that I mean that I have a couple of single people on my guest list, who, may have been seeing someone for a short while before my wedding. I won't be inviting them mainly because they won't have started seeing them before the invite goes out. Although saying that, they will get an invite to the evening at this stage as I would want to include them.

Anyone else's partners will be invited.

mrsjay Sat 19-Jan-13 10:39:52

you know I had aunties of DH who were those aunts and partners who were not related to him in anyway ( mils friends) at my wedding who I hardly knew but was railroaded into inviting my MIL because they had done so much for dh blah blah, that I missed out on friends going during the day because of costs I was really unhappy but felt obligated, Op do what you feel is right invite them If they come they come if not it is fine, bet they do come,

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 10:41:15

A wedding ceremony is a public event, that isn't up for debate.

You don't get to dictate what other people debate shock grin

My friend who got married in her parents house, now that was definitely not a public event, actually even ones who got married in church or registry office never had a single person turn up who wasn't invited. It might be technically a public occasion (perhaps, i don't know and don't care) but in reality, you know that place where we live, the only ones who go are those invited.

The its a public event argument is shorthand for "Im going to give my opinion on something which doesn't concern me, will try to make you do your wedding my way, and this is the weak and feeble excuse that Im going to give to try to make that sound acceptable"

Would love to know how many weddings you've attended that you weren't invited to and what the reaction was.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 10:41:32

Well, there is a right and wrong.

It's called manners.

Treating your wedding as a celebration of yourself is incredibly crass.

Using it as an excuse to cause offence to people you profess to care about is rude.

You can choose to be rude.

But you you can't change that it is rude and that people will think badly of you.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 10:42:30

Does this also mean births are public events too?! Yay i can go and watch women i don't know push babies out! Yipee!

grin

Mia4 Sat 19-Jan-13 10:43:46

I can't say for your friends if YABU or not, you aren't for yourself but you may or may not be being unreasonable to your friends, so it's best to speak to them about it. What about the evening do?

My friend didn't have our partners (3 of us) during the day, she just couldn't afford it and has lots of family so tbh we were lucky to get an invite. She did have them in the evening though and the hotel was a nice golf one so the boys enjoyed golf during the day and then happily met us in the evening. The wedding ceremony was special to us so I'm glad we didn't miss it but the partners understood and weren't so bothered about missing that part they just had a drinkand dance with bride and groom in evening.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 10:44:19

Do you struggle with English as well as basic manners?

Wow Athing! Insults now. You're just making yourself look nasty.

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 10:44:25

You're losing credibility here at a rate of knots.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 10:45:05

You don't even understand the word "public"? grin

Mia4 Sat 19-Jan-13 10:45:24

Another thing to think of is if you are the first to get married then if the others choose to, if they decide not to invite partners (or kids if you have them by that point) to their weddings, how will you feel? If you are fine with it-good, you are all like minded, but just don't get the hump if they do the same thing in return for the same reason.

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 10:45:34

Good grief why is everyone being so defensive. The op asked about her wedding not yours so the answers are directed at her and are merely posters opinions. Why on earth people on mn get so upset if anyone disagrees with them is beyond me totally.
When discussing something like this In real life you don't start getting all defensive and pulling people up on their English.
Fgs it's snowy out there get out and do some sledging, chill you out a bit.
Jeeeeze

ceres Sat 19-Jan-13 10:45:44

"For me if i were to get married it wouldn't be a performance but a very meaningful, special day, and i wouldn't want people there watching who i hardly knew. Its a private thing that i would want to share with those i love, not be gawped at by practical strangers."

our wedding was a very meaningful, special day. we were with family, friends and their respective partners. some of whom we hardly knew. some of whom have since split up. so what? friends and family still talk about what a good time they had at our wedding.

we economised to hell on everything but the venue, food and wine - my dress was internet bargain, made the cake myself, did my own hair and make up, friends did flowers, dh wore suit he had already, flowergirl dresses in sales. but all our guests were invited to the whole day (no two tier evening reception) and all partners were invited.

there was no 'performance' about it. apart from the ceremony where, obviously, we were up the top of the church we mingled with the rest of the guests. no top table, we went into the dining room with our guests and the only speech was to thank everyone for coming and to say have a good time.

and this, according to mn, would be classed as a 'stuffy' wedding. a formal sit down four course meal in a nice, independent country hotel. as i said people still say to us how ours was the best wedding they have ever been at. i call that a success.

op - i think you should invite the partners.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 10:48:53

You don't even understand the word "public"? grin

Yuck. Seriously you're making yourself look horrible. You're not coming across as a nice person at all by using insults.

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 10:53:01

mrskeith I'm still not entirely sure what I said that was wrong in my post! I would love for you to answer that. Was your last post aimed at me as well?

I have known of people turning up at weddings in churches uninvited. (In fact there were lots of random people at my DP's grandmother's funeral whom i assume were just their to worship and there happened to be a funeral on).I've never heard of it in a registry office. I expect given the limit on numbers, the registrar would ask the person to leave. Surely the 'public' part of the event is that you have to public actually give your vows in front of at least two witnesses who then sign - not you have to have it in front of anyone who fancies coming? I could be wrong there although would love to know.

Op: you have to consider your options, the possible responses of your friends and accept that wherever you cut some people, it may cause offence to someone (my brother didn't have children other than nieces and nephews and this annoyed some people but if he'd have had all children it would have literally doubled the guest list). If you are willing to accept that your friends responses may not be what you hoped then that's OK but if that would put a dampner on your day then it may not be worth it.

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 10:57:26

I think it's rude that you are deciding that someone in a new relationship isn't worthy of a place at your wedding. You have no way of knowing what that relationship might grow into or if that coveted married couple will split up the next week.

ovenchips Sat 19-Jan-13 10:59:15

But fuckadoodlepoopoo They are right. It's not up for debate.

A wedding is a public declaration of commitment for life.

That is its whole raison d'être.

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 10:59:32

If a wedding is in a public place it can be witnessed by anyone, public notice of intent to marry has to be given, weddings have to be witnessed.

redexpat Sat 19-Jan-13 11:00:13

Hi there. I think if you are upfront about the lack of space, (or even lack of funds) and they are as good friends as you say they are, they will understand. If they are all travelling from the same place they could travel together and get rooms together. They might embrace the chance to have an all girls event.

I have also been to a wedding where I was invited for the whole thing, and DP at the time was invited for the meal, because the venue was very very small. Since DP had only met the groom once we understood.

My best friend stammered over skype that she was very very sorry but due to space they were going to have to make it a childfree wedding. I told her absolutely not to worry since she had given me 18months notice to find a babysitter. I understood.

Howeever you should be aware that some people (see the other posters on this thread) will be offended. And they might choose their partners over you. You know them best, so it's really your call.

Oh and my mother has crashed more than a few weddings of schoolfriends of her DC at the local church, and she's usually not the only one.

ledkr Sat 19-Jan-13 11:04:54

I've been to two without dh. One sent an invite the other spoke to me at work and said they had to keep the numbers down so couldn't invite people's partners as she needed to prioritise her and dh's friends and family. I wasn't in the slightest bit bothered. I'm her friend not dh.

YouOldSlag Sat 19-Jan-13 11:13:56

I have been married for 7 years. If one of my uni friends was getting married and didn't invite him because they didn't know him as well as me, I wouldn't go.

It's fine NOT to invite partners if they have only just met or if you are work colleagues going in a group from work (this usually happens just for the evening bit IME).

However, you need and want your friendships after you have got married, so nurture them, don't lose them by expecting them to fork out for hotel, gifts and travel, whilst you are too tight to fork out £40 for their partner.

For £40, I would pay up to keep the goodwill going before and after the wedding day.

AThingInYourLife Sat 19-Jan-13 11:15:45

I wouldn't be offended by such an invitation, and I might even attend.

But I wouldn't send one, because it is rude.

And because I like my friends enough to get to know their partners.

Binkybix Sat 19-Jan-13 11:16:12

I've not even thought twice about being invited to weddings without DH and have gone and had a great time. It may have been a little different if I hadn't known anyone else going.

In an ideal world, you could invite everyone you wanted, plus partners, but sometimes that's not possible.

DoodlesNoodles Sat 19-Jan-13 11:21:52

I love this type of thread as there really is no right answer. (not sure why some posters have to be so unpleasant though sad)

TBH I think I would invite all of them but I may mention to them that you don't mind if they want to attend without their DP's. The DPs may be glad of the get out card and the friends may be happy to spend time with their pals and to keep costs down. (and, of course, you don't end up insulting anyone.)

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 11:25:23

mrsKeith Forgive me for saying but that's logistically unrealistic! confused Shoud everyone allow a percentage increase in guests when booking just in case someone starts a new relationship!? That would be barmy! Not to mention wasteful of food and money if said percentage of places were not filled at the end. It's not making any assumption on new relationships - it's being practical and not to mention ethical (on the waste side of things) about it.

I have a feeling that any extras would get kicked out due to health and safety at my registry office given we are at the total number! Seriously, how does the health and safety work with anyone having to be allowed to witness a wedding? Also I was informed by our registrar that the notice of intention being displayed is the part that legally has to be public, not the wedding itself, as this gives any one who has a lawful reason to object, the opportunity to object. Of course I may have misunderstood what the registrar said.

AmberLeaf Sat 19-Jan-13 11:26:15

YABU

We've decided we will invite partners if they re living together or married. If it's someone they are 'seeing' then we won't

So people are either co habiting or married and anything other than that is just 'seeing'

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 11:27:56

'Amber' I explained that post later down!

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 11:29:13

And that is personal to my situation, I don't know anyone at all who would be invited to me wedding who is in a situation other than living with their partner, married or single.

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 11:29:29

*my

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 11:31:11

If someone is in a relationship but not married or living together they weren't getting to bring a partner is what you said initially.

Of course if it isn't physically possible to fit more people into the room that isn't going to happen. However anyone could technically sit in.

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 11:33:33

And actually any single adult should be given the option of a plus one imo. If they accept as a single attendee then get a new partner then tough but I think it's bad patter to not give a grown up a plus one.

PickledInAPearTree Sat 19-Jan-13 11:38:49

Some people read so much into this!

All it denotes it space is limited!

She's not making a judgemental call on the longevity of anyone's relationship.

AmberLeaf Sat 19-Jan-13 11:38:54

Im refering to what appears to be a judgement by you that people are either living together/married or just 'seeing'

Not who you choose to invite based on your circle of friends.

Binkybix Sat 19-Jan-13 11:42:30

Why do you think everyone should have a plus one? I did this for the one person I'd invited who didn't know anyone else, because that seems only right, it don't get why everyone should get one?

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 11:43:46

I tried to clarify that in my next post but yes, actually, if it was someone who considered their relationship to be long term/serious thing then I would invite them regardless of living together. However, I don't know anyone in that situation.

Also thinking about it, I would have to see/talk to that friend or relative often enough to know about their relationship! I'm thinking DP's cousins or some friends who are all single -If they start a relationship with someone between now and March and I know of it and know that it isn't just something they would describe as casual and unlikely to last then they'd be invited. If they consider it as 'seeing' someone rather than a relationship then I wouldn't (people I know who use that terminology would use it to describe something quite casual and non-committed). If the relationship comes about after March then there isn't a lot I can do about it as the invitations will have gone out although theoretically I suppose someone could call and request an invite for their new partner (unlikely I think). After the deadline for RSVPs then the partner would be welcome at the evening reception but I cannot not afford to book a percentage of extra meals for them!

maddening Sat 19-Jan-13 11:44:36

I think everyone should be allowed a plus one - at weddings there's loads of folk you don't know so it can be quite lonely - plus one means that you aren't sat on your own - especially for distant friends who don't know the family well.

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 11:47:02

I definitely don't agree on the plus one. In an ideal, no money spared world, perhaps if that is the kind of wedding that the individual wants. Otherwise, no way!

And as for the seeing (I know I should over explain posts on mumsnet to be sure nothing is ambiguous) but this is terminology used by people I know to best describe how they see a person they have met and been on a few dates with.

greenplastictrees Sat 19-Jan-13 11:48:14

maddening My post was not directed at you about plus ones by the way. I agree, if someone doesn't know anyone else it is nice to have a plus one and am doing this. Gener, plus ones we aren't doing though.

AmberLeaf Sat 19-Jan-13 11:53:29

And as for the seeing (I know I should over explain posts on mumsnet to be sure nothing is ambiguous) but this is terminology used by people I know to best describe how they see a person they have met and been on a few dates with

Yes Id agree with that explanation of the terminology.

What I was questioning was how you appeared to phrase it as though the 'categories' were either living together/married or just seeing, no where inbetween??

VestaCurry Sat 19-Jan-13 11:53:35

Re weddings being public events, we had about 15 people at the back of the church we didn't know from Adam, they just came in from the street. It's a pretty town/village, attracts lots of weekend visitors and the church is on the tourist trail. Was fine, new dh invited them for a glass of champagne at the reception grin, 8 or so turned up, we had to order more last minute champagne anyway as my family enjoy their drink! They are in some of our wedding pics, hilarious and added to the fun of the day.

ApocalypseThen Sat 19-Jan-13 12:09:30

I think it's fine to invite them, but if I were one if them, I wouldn't go. Weddings are extremely boring for the guests and I wouldn't want to spend a whole day hanging around by myself. And it's like that (or feels like that) even when you're with people in the same situation because the vast majority will be with their partners. I had to do it a few times, never again.

PickledInAPearTree Sat 19-Jan-13 12:12:14

I've been to loads of weddings as a single person. I wouldn't want a plus one puts pressure on you to turn up with a man?

I would be more affronted by that to be honest, a lot of people are perfectly happy to go to a wedding and chat to people without a date.

BringMeTea Sat 19-Jan-13 12:32:37

YABU. I am genuinely shocked by some of the responses here. I count myself very lucky now that I have never been issued a wedding invite that did not include +1. Just wow that people think it's ok for a guest to potentially be alone and making small talk for hours on end having shelled out £££ in order to celebrate with you. Honestly. If I did receive such an invite I would make my excuses. It would tell me that you were not a friend. I would want each and every invitee to have the best possible time. Whoever said that you are 'hosts' has it absolutely right.

princessnumber2 Sat 19-Jan-13 13:09:57

Oh my god! Imagine a woman going somewhere on her own. And having to talk to people without a partner present. Perish the thought. hmm

ApocalypseThen Sat 19-Jan-13 13:14:14

It's not that. It's that it's at least one whole day. There are so many points at a wedding where there's nothing scheduled for hours on end and all the couples (and better organised single people who know this will happen) go off leaving only the family there. It's very horrible and tiring to spend those hours wondering where to put yourself.

SushiPaws Sat 19-Jan-13 13:42:12

It's got nothing to do with a woman not being able to go to a wedding on her own, those who are turning it into that are frankly trying to find sexism where it doesn't exist.

The first post says these woman have established partners so its not even a plus one, it'll be a named partner.

I like spending time with my dh and if I'm going to spend time, money travelling and staying in a hotel; I'd rather do it with him. It eats into holidays and time that I'd usually spend with him.

On the other hand I am perfectly capable of going to a social function on my own. I'd just prefer to have time with the person I love as well. Having a dp doesn't stop you bring an individual, it makes you part of a team.

quoteunquote Sat 19-Jan-13 13:43:54

I think it is extremely rude not to invite partners,

Simply for the reason that you want your guests to have as good a time as possible and feel totally comfortable, something that is far more likely to happen if they have their partners there to share the experience.

cerealqueen Sat 19-Jan-13 13:44:06

I went to a wedding where my DP was not invited, as were a few others. Friend explained beforehand and it was fine with me and DP. People can attend social events on their own. Why dont you sound them out?

civilfawlty Sat 19-Jan-13 13:52:02

I did this, because a mutual friend (b) was recently divorced, wobbly and would have been attending alone. I asked a friend (a)whose partner I had met once to come with our mutual friend (b). It was partly about numbers and cost, but mostly about the experience of our friend (b). Friend a declined. But, tbh, I realised she was a taker not a giver.

Londonista Sat 19-Jan-13 14:11:06

Agree with Apocolypse. If I get invited as my partners plus one, if I didn't know them at all, I didn't go. Weddings are expensive, I get that, and why do I even want to go if I know no one except my boyfriend?
But I would have thought it a bit odd not to get invited as well, so think you have to invite the partners. Not worth the ill feeling.

wanderingcloud Sat 19-Jan-13 14:24:11

YABU if you send out the invites without sounding out your friends first.

I've been to a school friend's wedding without my hubby. but he had spoken to me and other school friend first, explained the situation and we agreed to go together and share the cost if the hotel etc. It was fine. But... in all honesty I think we both would have enjoyed the day far more if we'd been there with our respective OHs.

Weddings are all about celebrating love and its a bit miserable to watch someone celebrating their love whilst yours is miles away.

We had limited numbers for our wedding, you have to prioritize. I counted in a plus 1 for all my cousins and bridesmaids, even if they were single at the time when we made the guest list, which meant I could only invite certain friends to the evening. To not do would have been rude IMO. In the end we have a few less people at the wedding breakfast but since you confirm the numbers close to the time anyway, we didn't lose any money. I suppose we had "spaces" friends could have filled but it didn't matter. With the ceremony,photos and wedding breakfast, I barely has time to see anyone in the day anyway! The evening was the only time I got to catch up with most people, even if they had been there all day!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 14:28:08

But fuckadoodlepoopoo They are right. It's not up for debate. A wedding is a public declaration of commitment for life.

Its still totally irrelevant. So what if strangers can watch from the back of the church (assuming its in one and not on private property), a partner who is not invited is still uninvited. Id be very surprised if they turned up to watch and then went home, because its not like anyone has the right to attend any reception. So what difference does it make and why on earth is the point being used on this thread!

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 14:32:12

You're missing the point quite spectacularly. Someone was twittering on about their wedding being a very private affair, it has since been pointed out that this isn't always the case. No one mentioned the uninvited partners just pitching up.

Pandemoniaa Sat 19-Jan-13 14:44:25

'What's an extra £160 in the grand scheme of wedding costs'

This. You have to ask yourself whether the difference in cost is worth the upset you are likely to cause with your friends.

I don't actually think that partners must be invited to a wedding automatically but it rather depends on the wedding and your relationship with the people you are inviting. For instance, I am going to a wedding reception later this year which follows the wedding of people in a performing group I belong to. DP doesn't know the bride and groom and they don't know him. He's not at all bothered about not going to an event where he knows nobody and in any case, it's a fairly unconventional affair.

In the OP's case, she already knows some of the partners and also, these are very close friends. They might be fine about leaving their partners at home but I'm not sure that I'd risk it for £160.

nkf Sat 19-Jan-13 14:55:56

There's a lot of of odd trading off regarding money on this thread. If they have to pay XX for the weekend, then you must pay XX for their partner's meal. This is my take on the matter. Weddings have become so expensive that it's hard for them not to be stressful - for guest and bride/groom. Mainly brides because I think most men don't give a shit.

Truly, is your wedding going to be such fun that even someone who doesn't know you very well will have a good time? Because if not, the partners might be very glad to stay home and have a do what they like weekend. And your friends might like to have a girls only time.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 14:59:53

Keith. hmm Its irrelevant to the discussion.

ApocalypseThen Sat 19-Jan-13 15:11:37

There's a lot of of odd trading off regarding money on this thread

I think that's because, when people are planning weddings they sometimes get so caught up in the stress and logistics that they end up forgetting about the guests and can treat them like an expensive hindrance rather than people who are going to quits a bit of trouble and expense to attend.

Pandemoniaa Sat 19-Jan-13 15:17:05

And your friends might like to have a girls only time.

Yes, they might. But this rationalisation always come across as a bit of a cop-out whether applied to weddings where partners or children aren't invited.

It could well be that people thoroughly enjoy a "girls only" time as they might equally also enjoy a day out without their children. But it is always best for the people affected to make that decision. Not be told that they'll have a better time on the basis that the bride and groom have decided to exclude partners or children.

You can invite who you like OP. But it won't come without consequences.

expatinscotland Sat 19-Jan-13 15:22:34

'Weddings have become so expensive that it's hard for them not to be stressful - for guest and bride/groom. Mainly brides because I think most men don't give a shit.'

Because people go for expensive shit.

Get married in a registry office. Hire out a big village hall that allows you to hire your own caterer and bring your own booze. Then you can afford to invite everyone.

YouOldSlag Sat 19-Jan-13 16:25:09

In an ideal world, you could invite everyone you wanted, plus partners, but sometimes that's not possible

Yes it is, you change venues, or have a cheaper wedding, or have a family only wedding, or have it in a big hall: there are hundreds of combinations.

There is no point having a wedding that costs so much a head that you have to leave people out and have lingering bad feeling from them for evermore.

Ten years ago I went to a wedding on my own (I was single at the time). It cost me nearly £200 to go. I knew people who were going and was looking forward to seeing them

However the bride, who knew me well, put me on an all-couples table. The people I knew were all on a separate table and having a raucous time. It was very hard to talk to the couples, none of whom I knew. I didn't bear a grudge, but I haven't forgotten how difficult it was.

Another wedding involved an overnight stay, the wedding, then NO reception as I and others were excluded, then a late "you can come in now" invite to the evening do. It caused lingering bad feeling.

For £160, cough up. There's lots of waiting around at weddings and the bride and groom are often oblivious to this. At least make it fun for your guests who are probably out of pocket because of you.

MrsKeithRichards Sat 19-Jan-13 17:34:33

<headdesk>

nkf Sat 19-Jan-13 17:45:45

For a ceremony that is ostensibly about couples and new families, weddings sure bring out the narcisist in people. The one that I am staggered by is the idea that not having your partner invited means they don't take your relationship seriously.

People should invite who they would like to be there. And if people don't want to go, they should decline. There is no need to be sitting there without your husband feeeling miserable. And as for what if you don't know anybody? Either a) don't go or b) go and - hey this is a bit out there - talk to some strangers.

All the rest of is just drama for the sake of it.

Gingersnap88 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:54:55

I would invite both, in an ideal world. You could get away with it as they all know each other, so at least they could come together. However I do think its a bit rude in general.

A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else! My DP was invited to the after dinner bit instead. Might be a compromise somewhere? Maybe just be honest with them about your budget / size constraints and how stressed you are. They might surprise you with a good idea!

Gingersnap88 Sat 19-Jan-13 17:55:49

I would invite both, in an ideal world. You could get away with it as they all know each other, so at least they could come together. However I do think its a bit rude in general.

A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else! My DP was invited to the after dinner bit instead. Might be a compromise somewhere? Maybe just be honest with them about your budget / size constraints and how stressed you are. They might surprise you with a good idea!

LittleChimneyDroppings Sat 19-Jan-13 18:01:14

Its not rude at all. Just invite the women and put them at the same table. I wouldn't be offended at all if it was me. It would probably be good. People dont have to take their dp with them to everywhere they go, contrary to popular belief.

PrincessOnBoard Sat 19-Jan-13 18:37:40

In the OP's case, she already knows some of the partners and also, these are very close friends. They might be fine about leaving their partners at home but I'm not sure that I'd risk it for £160.

Who are her close friends??

From the OP it states that they are lucky to see each other once a year.

ArtexMonkey Sat 19-Jan-13 18:38:51

Good lord, if you can't afford the ££ for your preferred guest list to come to a sit down meal, you need to maybe look at having family only for the ceremony, meal and speeches, then an evening do in a hall with a buffet or something.

There's no shame in this, nearly every wedding I've been to has been like this.

PrincessOnBoard Sat 19-Jan-13 18:38:57

A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else

Yes but this is a different situation. These are four girls who have lived together and are obviously friends with each and all would be without partners.

nkf Sat 19-Jan-13 18:40:50

Tables plans or seating plans are awful ideas. Let people sit where they like. Obviously old biddies have to be helped into chairs and brought platefuls of food. But all that sitting where you've been put and waiting for some cold food to arrive. It's all so annoying.

Binkybix Sat 19-Jan-13 19:24:26

Maybe I just have different experiences of weddings than other people who would not go without their partner. Sounds like lots of people find them a chore and therefore resent going anyway, whereas I've always enjoyed them. Also, I don't get this thing about sitting on your own etc. Surely you tend to know other people too, as friendship groups cross over?

As said earlier, I wouldn't just invite one person who didn't know anyone else, but apart from that I don't understand why it's difficult to spend time with others you know. I also don't see it as a judgement on the relationship.

youoldslag - you're right, technically you could change everything else about your wedding to invite everyone plus partners (although your example of a family only wedding does not seem to qualify as being able to invite everyone you want, plus partners). Seems more realistic to have a balance between a number of things, but maybe I feel this because I don't really feel that strongly about child free/non-partner weddings etc.

YouOldSlag Sat 19-Jan-13 21:00:42

Binky- I used the example of family only as a blanket get out clause. If a bride is determined to have the posh £££ venue and having problems with friends/partners/live in lovers/friends with 5 kids etc, just have a really small one and friends can't then be offended if it's small and family only.

Not that I would do this myself, we included partners and kids and friends and their kids at ours. I want their friendship and loyalty long after the wedding!

YouOldSlag Sat 19-Jan-13 21:02:26

*A friend did this to me, and I was the only person on my table who wasn't in a couple and I didn't know anyone else

Yes but this is a different situation. These are four girls who have lived together and are obviously friends with each and all would be without partners.*

My point was that guests have long memories of bad weddings! smile

Incidentally the wedding I referred to was full of people I knew, I just wasn't allowed to sit with them! Not a huge deal, as that was only for the meal.

Gingersnap88 Sat 19-Jan-13 21:15:39

Well that is why I mentioned how at least they'd have each other wink

hrrumph Sat 19-Jan-13 22:50:58

I'd invite the partners as well.

wannabedreams Sat 19-Jan-13 22:54:10

Invite them and OH or don't bother.......

YouOldSlag Sun 20-Jan-13 10:31:28

There have been several threads about not inviting partners recently. This worries me as it indicates a trend is beginning, or it's becoming acceptable to cherry pick half couples to weddings.

This says to me that weddings are becoming way too precious and we are losing sight of what they are really about.

nkf Sun 20-Jan-13 16:02:35

Not inviting will be like paying bars or requests for money. As the price of weddings escalates, people will have to cut costs. And where better than making your guests annoyed? I think there should be a new trend for cardboard cutouts. People who look like your friends and fill up the photos but who don't eat or drink anything. I'm sure I could market that idea. If people can get away with caged doves and favours, then this should be a shoe in.

YouOldSlag Sun 20-Jan-13 16:28:37

nkf- Agree. It's becoming an over extravagant circus and guests' feelings are getting overlooked in favour of posh venues and expensive extras.

In the olden days it would church or registry office, then a do in a hall with kids and husbands all included and a jolly time was had by all. I'm not saying everyone should have weddings in a church hall, but we could learn a lot from that. It's getting out of hand like a giant egotistical snowball.

LetMeAtTheWine Mon 21-Jan-13 05:32:16

If a friend didn't really know my husband and only invited me to their wedding due to numbers/costs I wouldn't be offended. The day is about them, not me, after all. Likewise if my husband was invited and I wasn't.

It is your wedding OP, do what suits you, just don't get upset if people choose not to come as people have very different views when it comes to weddings, as can be seen from the thread responses.

YouOldSlag Mon 21-Jan-13 08:51:33

I think if you've just met someone and it's just been a few weeks, then it's OK for them not to be invited. If it's work colleagues, it's OK not to invite spouses. If not, then it's bloody rude!

I would really hate to see this become acceptable etiquette. Weddings are getting ridiculous now and guests feelings are simply not being considered. It may be the bride and groom's day, but guests DO count too!

LetMeAtTheWine Mon 21-Jan-13 09:05:45

Of course you are right, Youoldslag, guests do count - but not more than the bride and groom! And I suppose it would come down to whether the options for the B&G are sacrificing 4 other guests (as the OP suggests in their post) for the sake of 4 people who they don't really know or, of course, not invite the four girls at all but that could be considered rude also (and massively disaapointing). Surely if you are a friend you would put the B&G's needs before your own, even if you did think that it was rude that they couldn't afford the space or money to invite your partner?

expatinscotland Mon 21-Jan-13 09:24:01

I agree with Slag. Weddings are getting ridiculous.

YouOldSlag Mon 21-Jan-13 16:26:34

LetMe- no they don't count MORE, but there have been so many threads about not inviting partners and BFed babies, or excluding guests from the reception and just having them at the ceremony and evening do, that I am starting to think that the comfort of guests is getting thrown off the list completely.

As I said elsewhere, guests have loooong memoires of bad weddings.

Hobbitation Mon 21-Jan-13 16:32:25

I would invite partners if I knew they had a long term boyfriend/girlfriend, not if they had just started seeing someone (as it may cause embarrassment to them) and would be counting them in the numbers from the start, not as an afterthought. Everyone at our wedding was there all day, couldn't be doing with faffing about/having a hierarchy of who is invited to what part of the do and why.

AnnoyingOrange Mon 21-Jan-13 16:50:50

I think it's odd not to invite partners and I wouldn't be inclined to accept if I was given such an invitation.

RubyrooUK Mon 21-Jan-13 16:55:06

OP, are you ever coming back? Loads of us put in time and effort arguing about your wedding invites over here. wink

LetMeAtTheWine Mon 21-Jan-13 17:03:21

I see where you are coming from, youoldslag. I haven't seen the other threads so only commented in relation to this one, and personal experience. As I (sort of) said earlier when it comes to this sort of thing you can't keep everyone happy and trying to do that could easily drive you mad.
Me and my partner were invited to a wedding of one of my close friends and my partner was there at the expense of a friend who had been friends with the bride for years. I couldn't for the life of me understand why my husband was there but said friend wasn't, but then not for me to think about as it wasn't my day.
OP, if you are still reading this, you are probably no further forward - my advice would be go with your gut instinct, and what you would expect of others if the roles were reversed. If they don't want to go without partners they can always decline the invite....
Good luck! smile

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