To think £200 is too bloody much?

(248 Posts)

Friend has hired a country house for her birthday and has just informed us it's £200 per person. I'm really annoyed because a) it isn't even a 'special' birthday b) I didnt really want to go in the first place as it means leaving pfb overnight but i felt obliged as she is a good friend and c) I can't bloody afford it.
Im just going for one night as ds is still little so I'll be spending 6 hours on the train (by myself) to spend 24 hours there. I realise that is my own bloody fault and not hers but it adds to my annoyance!
There will be additional costs (travel, going out money etc) so whilst i have to write off the £200 should I make my excuses now and pull out before this thing escalates further?
Mostly im annoyed at myself for saying yes in the first place as i would be perfectly happy spending the weekend at home with ds and £200 could buy A LOT of nappies
She is a very good friend so feel free to flame me for being selfish.

DeafLeopard Fri 18-Jan-13 21:18:24

No YANBU it is a lot of money - I'm guessing that she is loaded and / or child free?

shesariver Fri 18-Jan-13 21:20:06

Why would anyone flame you for being selfish?? I think your friend is being selfish if she expects her friends to fork out £200! You can however say no...

EarnestDullard Fri 18-Jan-13 21:20:11

YANBU, £200 is a silly amount of money. And if she's organising the party, shouldn't she be paying for it?

Yes and yes! I'm an idiot for saying I would go in the first place

Tommy Fri 18-Jan-13 21:20:50

you're not selfish! I don't understand why people do this. If they want you to come to a party, they should invite you. If they can't afford what they want, they should find something cheaper.
I would just say "thank you so much but I'm not going to be able to make it..."

ThePinkOcelot Fri 18-Jan-13 21:22:10

No way are you BU! I wouldn't go, I wouldn't be forking out £200 either. That's ridiculous for a birthday.

Lueji Fri 18-Jan-13 21:22:41

She can't really get people to go without giving a cost estimate.

You should really tell her that you have thought about it and it's too costly and a very long trip to and fro.
And that you'd like to meet up soon to compensate for missing her birthday.

She seems a bit precious, btw. Or loaded (but in that case, she should fork out for the guests).

LemonBreeland Fri 18-Jan-13 21:22:58

I think you could pull out if you did not expect the cost to be so high. Was there no discussion of possible cost before it was booked?

zukiecat Fri 18-Jan-13 21:23:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Fri 18-Jan-13 21:24:24

Just email straight away and say you can not go, you can't afford it. If she offers a loan or whatever just say no, thank you.

I can't imagine a universe where I would spend £200 on a birthday night away, YANBU IMO.

Southeastdweller Fri 18-Jan-13 21:24:48

Maybe I'm an anti-social fuck, but it's beyond me why people hold birthday gatherings and expect others to cough up. It's just rude. If you can't afford something then just don't do it.

sooperdooper Fri 18-Jan-13 21:25:43

If she never said how much it'd be then you've every right to say £200 is too much and you can't go

£200 is way too much for a weekend country house type thing, ridiciulous, plus you'll need to pay for travel, food, drinks

Hassled Fri 18-Jan-13 21:27:13

I think it's really selfish/arrogant to assume that you're loved enough that your mates will fork out that sort of money. Really unfair to put anyone in that situation.

NeverFullyDressedWithoutAScarf Fri 18-Jan-13 21:27:25

Agree with everyone else. I loathe it when people do this, it really is just rude and selfish.

Corygal Fri 18-Jan-13 21:27:44

Yep, it's too much. It drives me nuts when people do this - rude.

At least it's not a special birthday or a christening or something where you feel under the cosh to go. Back out and be wary of other invitations.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 18-Jan-13 21:28:33

I think it's really selfish/arrogant to assume that you're loved enough that your mates will fork out that sort of money. Really unfair to put anyone in that situation.

This.

expatinscotland Fri 18-Jan-13 21:29:48

Far too much! Email now and tell her sorry, it's unaffordable.

Merlotmonster Fri 18-Jan-13 21:30:19

Yrnbu....I hired a country house for my 40th....I paid for the accommodation and all of the food...the only contribution I asked for was for people to bring some alcohol ....

Kafri Fri 18-Jan-13 21:30:52

YANBU. there is no way i could fork out 200+ on a night away, nor would i want to leave my newborn either.

if she's such a good friend, she'll
a) know its more than you can reasonably afford at the minute
or
b) if she doesn't know you cant afford it, she'll understand when you tell her
and
c) understand you can't/don't want to leave pfb yet

don't make yourself struggle financially for the sake of a birthday. your friend will have another one next year and if she's any sort of friend she wouldn't want you to struggle for the sake of her birthday. i know my best buds wouldn't. we quite often do cheapies these days as one of us has 3 kids, one has just bought a house and is doing it up and I've just had bubs and am on mat pay.

Bunbaker Fri 18-Jan-13 21:30:52

I agree with Southeastdweller. Just say it's too expensive. I hope your friend isn't expecting a birthday present as well.

I am constantly amazed at the number of threads I read on here by people who have friends who organise hen parties/birthday weekends/weddings and then expect the guests to fork out several hundred pounds for the privilege. And then they get upset when their invitees say they can't afford it. What kind of world do they live in?

If I was going to organise an expensive weekend away with friends I would sound them out first before booking anything.

SminkoPinko Fri 18-Jan-13 21:31:24

£200???????????? Pull out. She is a joker.

izzyishappilybusy Fri 18-Jan-13 21:32:03

Tell her you can't afford it

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 18-Jan-13 21:32:26

£200 for one night, plus the price of the train fare. I'd tell her to take a hike.
Or if I wanted to keep the friendship I'd ask her how come it costs so much. Even the poshest country house shouldn't be that much for one person for one night.

sooperdooper Fri 18-Jan-13 21:32:31

Why do you need 'going out money' surely if it's £200 pp then the 'going out; is being in the place you've paid for??

Still too much tho, just say no

HalleLouja Fri 18-Jan-13 21:34:43

£200 for one night [faints]. I would say no unless she can find something cheaper or is paying for all your food and drinks.

cerealqueen Fri 18-Jan-13 21:36:58

Nothing wrong with agreeing and then saying that the cost is too much. If she had said the cost in the first place then you could have said then.

I'd not leave my newborn, no way.

£200 is excessive and a bit bloody precious for a non landmark birthday IMHO.

Matildaduck Fri 18-Jan-13 21:40:33

Are you sure she didn't mean £20 and her finger slipped?

I had no idea it would cost so much! When first mentioned she said it would be around £100 pp (which is still a lot but DH and I decided I would go alone so it was just about do-able for a v close friend). also I had planned to go for the whole weekend so it was better value for money iykwim. Now it's £200 for accommodation alone and im only there for one night! I do realise that isn't her fault but I'm not comfortable leaving ds for 2 nights.
It's too late to get out of the accommodation (and it would push the price up even further for other friends if I did) but if I cry off at least I save travel/other costs plus a long journey there/back?

xlatia Fri 18-Jan-13 21:43:07

i agree with pp, 200 is waaaay to much!

but that's what you've got your PFB for! if you don't want to tell your friend that you don't want to spend that much money, just tell her that DC cannot do without you for such a long period of time (if baby still very young) or even call at the last minute, sounding terribly sorry but "baby's got a temperature/is teething/whatever" grin

xlatia Fri 18-Jan-13 21:43:39

PFB?!? BFP!!!

PatriciaHolm Fri 18-Jan-13 21:44:38

Was there any discussion re cost when you arranged to go? If you agreed to go away for the weekend, you must have had some idea of cost? How much more is this? If she was under the impression everyone had agreed to that sort of spend, then she isn't taking the pee or being a joker, she's doing something she assumed everyone had agreed.

In my circle of friends, £200 would be fine, but it wouldn't happen out of the blue. Can you pull out now?

nannyof3 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:45:07

Say you cant afford it or u just want to be with ur baby, u dont want to leave him... Both perfectly normal reasons!

LemonBreeland Fri 18-Jan-13 21:45:19

It really isn't too late to pull out. She booked spmething that is double what was suggested. Tell her you can't afford it, end of.

perceptionreality Fri 18-Jan-13 21:47:12

YANBU - £200 is a lot of money to spend on a trip that is not even of your choosing. There is no way I would ever expect that of anyone. Why are some people such brats?

expatinscotland Fri 18-Jan-13 21:48:02

Why on Earth are you going to pay £200 for accommodation you're not going to stay in?

petitfiloser Fri 18-Jan-13 21:48:44

DON'T GO!!!1

ProphetOfDoom Fri 18-Jan-13 21:51:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 18-Jan-13 21:52:36

So you are paying for two nights although only staying for one - is that right?

Is it so expensive because you are in your own room. Could you bring your DH and DS with you thus avoiding the train journey?

I know it would dramatically alter the nature of the weekend but it might get the message across to her that this is a ridiculous price.

I quite often organise girly trips away but there is no way that I ever book anything without giving the clear cost of the trip and also how much its likely to cost us in extras.

Should you go or not? I'm not sure you put what age your PFB is - would it be an option to stay for both nights.

I see nothing wrong in emailing her and saying that you are very surprised by how expensive it is and you would never have agreed had you known the cost. how much does she think the rest of the weekend will cost as you are on a tight budget?

Cherriesarelovely Fri 18-Jan-13 21:52:49

No way! That is terrible. There is not a chance I would go. The flipping cheek of it is unbelievable.

snice Fri 18-Jan-13 21:56:47

are you hiring a v expensive self catering place then going out for dinners? that would explain why its difficult to pull out now as the cost is so high because so few people are coming and if you pull out it becomes even more per head?

BandersnatchCummerbund Fri 18-Jan-13 21:56:50

Stupid amount of money. What happened to "host pays", anyway? And why does no occasion seem complete without spending huge amounts of money, most of it other people's? I want to celebrate with my friends, but I really resent the expectation that this kind of price is now normal. It's just a bloody birthday, they happen every year!

(Can you tell I've just been told the cost of a hen weekend I can't get out of, and would have loved to go on if it wasn't costing an iron lung?!)

EllieArroway Fri 18-Jan-13 21:58:10

No, you're not being selfish.

Why do people do things like this? Since when is it OK to automatically expect people to effectively pay hundreds to attend your birthday party?

Tell her that you're sorry but you simply can't afford it. She's got a bit of a nerve, to be honest.

snice Fri 18-Jan-13 21:58:10

I would say that you're sorry but its costing double what you've budgeted for and so on that basis you won't be able to go

You don't have to go. Or pay the £200. She told you it was half that, which you still thought was a lot but agreed to go.

Now it costs twice what she first said. I think it is entirely reasonable to pull out because of this. Fair enough if it was 10 quid more but it's a whole 100 more than she said. Totally unreasonable of her imho.

Dozer Fri 18-Jan-13 22:00:28

Pull out and don't pay the £200! The host shouldn't have committed to the accommodation before confirming that guests were all willing to pay.

Gryffindor Fri 18-Jan-13 22:00:35

Did you know the price before you agreed to go? Or has she just booked this out of the blua and sprung it on you?

Gryffindor Fri 18-Jan-13 22:00:50

*blue

MissMarplesMaid Fri 18-Jan-13 22:01:26

I think your friend has behaved badly. As soon as the costs escalated she should have been contacting you all to explain and offer alternatives or cancel the whole thing. I'm afraid it sounds like your friend has got very taken up with the event.

God knows what would have happened if this was a wedding!

bedmonster Fri 18-Jan-13 22:01:47

I didnt really want to go in the first place as it means leaving pfb overnight

I got this far before making my mind up. I think YABU (sorry!) as you should have said no in the first place if you know you didn't really want to leave your baby. How old is he? Then you go on to say you can't really afford it. So again, I think you should have said no from the beginning.

Although I am interested to know how many people are going and where you are staying at that price! We hired a castle last year in peak season on the coast and stayed for a week. It was £600 for the entire week per family. £200 for 2 nights seems like a miscalculation somewhere, is it possible that your friend has either made a mistake or has added things in for that price?

Viviennemary Fri 18-Jan-13 22:04:32

I agree. What a joker. Just say it's far too expensive and you won't be going. These insensitive thick skinned people than never give a thought to others affording events like this before arranging them.

YANBU your friend, if she is such a good friend, should realise that you have a small baby, new responsibilities and you may not have the inclination, never mind the spare money to leave your baby over night!

My "friend" did this except it was a trip to London for an expensive weekend, meals out and theatre tickets etc my DD was 3months old, EBF, my DH had just been made redundant so £ was very tight! Te difference was, when I said I couldn't go, she made a big stink about it and told everyone I was the worst and how supportive she has always been, never asks me for anything etc the least I could do was go one this little weekend away etc as that is what shows you are the greatest friend ever...a £500 weekend away for a 26th birthday...there is a reason clintons don't make cards for random birthday ages...

Thanks everyone, I'm going to sleep on it and hopefully be brave enough to implement your suggestions in the morning!

To those who asked, i haven't paid yet but did commit to going. There was vague talk of money but £100 was at the v upper limit of what I could afford and now it's £200 plus all these extras and I can just see it going up and up.

The reason I think I'm being selfish is because in my heart of hearts I don't want to go even though she is a good friend. Without meaning to hijack my own thread I think I've got to stop trying to keep up with everyone all the time because that's what got me into this mess.

Since ds came along my outlook has completely changed. I just want to spend as much time with him as possible but I feel under pressure to carry on as I did before. i guess I feel like a bit of a failure for not being able to keep up especially because other friends have maintained hectic social lives despite having children. There seems to be some unspoken rule that things should just go on as if nothing has happened and ds should just slot into my life? But for me it's the opposite - he is my life and everything else needs to slot in around him. Now I'm probably BU for that!

Adversecamber Fri 18-Jan-13 22:43:18

I invited friends round for a 1970's style children's birthday tea, think cheese and pineapple hedgehogs and lots of pimms.

Why are some people so obsessed with making everything in to such a big deal.

Disclaimer- I am a grumpy moo.

bedmonster you are totally right I should never have said I would go in the first place.

Ds is 6 months so not really that little but still seems it to me blush

TheOriginal Would love to take dh and ds (would solve all my issues!) but ds is most definitely not invited!!

Not sure I can name the place (although she doesn't have kids so unlikely to be on mn?!) but its a big castle thingy on the coast. I think the problem is it sleeps 20 but now there are only 12 people going so she's just split the cost 12 ways irrelevant of how long people are staying.

MagicHouse Fri 18-Jan-13 23:01:26

I don't think you're BU! In fact I think you should be really clear about saying that as the initial suggestion was £100 a night, since it has changed to £200 a nigh you cannot afford it - don't feel obliged to pay for anything. Just be really clear that you cannot afford the changed amount that is now double! Be really sweet in your email (or however you tell her) and wish she has a great weekend! And maybe invite her to yours, but do not, IN ANY WAY agree to paying out £200 when you had no idea that this was the cost!!!

flossy101 Fri 18-Jan-13 23:14:02

I really feel for you. My DS is 6m and one of my good friends is going away next weekend for her hen do, it's costing about 200p person too plus spending money.

I told her when she first asked that I couldn't afford it being on mat leave and just didn't want to leave DS for the whole weekend.

I felt so much better for just being honest rather than trying to come up with an excuse as to why I couldn't go.

Maybe you should just explain how your feeling and if she is a good friend she will understand that your priorities have changed.

maddening Fri 18-Jan-13 23:18:52

God at this time of year you can get really nice cottages for a lot less than that! Is that including food and drink?

Tommy Fri 18-Jan-13 23:20:01

maybe I am a grumpy moo too but, for my hen night, I had a house party. My mum and ma-in-law to be did the food, everyone brought a bottle and I hired a karaoke. Bloody great night - 60 women, singing, drinking and chatting. (the only person who didn't come because they "couldn't afford the petrol" was my sister and that's a whole other thread grin)
It can be done - doesn't have to be expensive and it's hugely cheeky of anyone to expect other people to fork out for their celebrations

maddening Fri 18-Jan-13 23:20:18

Ps how many are going and where in the country is it? Does everyone get their own room? You wouldn't be expected to share? Is she charging you for a double room?

Sallyingforth Fri 18-Jan-13 23:22:57

So she wants to have a party, but wants others to pay for it?
Tell the selfish bitch to get lost!

I wouldn't pay the £200. If limits of £100 were discussed and then she's booked it at £200 before telling you then that's her problem. DO NOT PAY!

snice Fri 18-Jan-13 23:27:47

no-I think its probably been booked on the basis of full 'occupancy' which would equate to £100 each but now numbers of attendees have dropped the cost is rocketing

AlreadyScone Fri 18-Jan-13 23:29:54

I'm afraid anyone who expected me to fork out £200 on their birthday (before travel or a present) would be firmly relegated to the "you are a spoilt no-mark" list.

Send her a thoughtful pressie for a quarter of that amount!

DeepRedBetty Fri 18-Jan-13 23:30:28

I imagine some of your friends who outwardly are still maintaining those hectic lifestyles are secretly knackered and would actually quite like to slow down a bit - but are caught in exactly the same trap as you.

Some good advice upthread, I think you need to email to say that you'd budgeted max £100 based on what she'd talked about in the first place and you just can't afford more than that, but would love to see her for dinner or kitchen sups or whatever the current name is for informal meal with far too much wine and lasagne/chilli con carne

Sometimes you just have to wait for the child-free to catch back up with you. One of my oldest mates started to have her babies ten years before me, we didn't really relate to each other again until we bumped into each other and went for coffee when I was pushing a double buggy, she was an absolute godsend during potty training etc. Another friend (younger but we'd been on the same planet) only started doing babies this year, and I'm passing on the joy right now with nappies and breastfeeding and SLEEP!!!! IYKWIM.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 19-Jan-13 08:15:25

She should never have booked something that size without having firm commitments from the right number of people.Isuspect other people have backed out too based on cost.
I think you just have to bite the bullet and contact her to say you just cant afford £200 and had budgeted for £100 She has paid anyway so she might just say fair enough and take £100 as otherwise she will be even more out of pocket

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 19-Jan-13 08:18:20

She should never have booked something that size without having firm commitments from the right number of people.Isuspect other people have backed out too based on cost.
I think you just have to bite the bullet and contact her to say you just cant afford £200 and had budgeted for £100 She has paid anyway so she might just say fair enough and take £100 as otherwise she will be even more out of pocket

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 08:20:31

Say it was affordable just at £100 but not at £200.

NewYearNewNagoo Sat 19-Jan-13 08:25:08

Wow has she booked it already? That was stupid. It's too much to ask people to spend for her birthday! I imagine people would drop like flies on learning it's double what she said!

RuleBritannia Sat 19-Jan-13 08:25:56

As snice said upthread, if the price quoted was £100 and it's gone up to £200, it's probable that not all invitees have accepted. That means that the total price is divided between fewer people.

As others have said, pull out and don't go but let your friend know. Yes, your non-contribution will put up the price for others but, in the end, it will all be so expensive that no one will go!

I wouldn't spend £200 on my own birthday never mind someone else's.

howlingcow Sat 19-Jan-13 08:29:45

If you do go it will leave you feeling miserable and resentful towards this 'friend'-it will do more damage to your friendship than if you pull out!!! YANBU!! She is expecting far too much!

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 19-Jan-13 08:30:36

I dont even think its a child vs childfree issue.Prior to having ds i would still not expect to fork out that much for a s/c accomodation for that price it should be catered

EugenesAxe Sat 19-Jan-13 08:38:31

What a lot of people have said:
1) Why are you going out when you've hired a lovely castle - have dinner there
2) Tell her you could just about afford it when £100 was mentioned & that either you'll be paying that or pulling out

You aren't being unreasonable to want to stay with your child, as long as you don't expect everyone to feel like this. I love my children but would jump at the chance to be away from them for a couple of nights!

ENormaSnob Sat 19-Jan-13 08:40:09

She is totally taking the piss.

You can't quote 100, book it, then ask for 200 shock

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't pay.

givemeaclue Sat 19-Jan-13 08:45:29

You don't have to pay even if you don't go. She said it would be 100, its double that. Just explain its double the original cost and you can't afford it. It's not your problem that people have dropped out and the cost has gone up...do not pay the 200!

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 19-Jan-13 08:45:40

So it's £200 each for 12 people - that's a cost of £2400 for two nights. Are you sure that's correct? I'd actually go on the castle's website or ring and ask them the hire cost because that's a crazy amount just for accommodation.

Anyway the fact is you can't afford to pay £200 so you're going to have to tell her today, so she can make adjustments to the cost and let everyone else know, or just suck it up herself. Do not pay the money out of guilt or obligation - she chose to have an expensive venue and not everyone can afford that, plus the cost increased massively, making it out of your budget. Tell her you can't make it and don't let her talk/guilt/bribe/manipulate you into still coming.

A friend of mine has a birthday coming up in a few months and is doing the London weekend thing. I declined straight off the bat as I don't have £150-200 spare to waste spend on a weekend away. She was fine about it. Your friend should be too if she's a real friend. If she kicks off, she's not a good friend anyway, so there's no loss is there?

Pendipidy Sat 19-Jan-13 09:06:05

What soft kitty said. Look yourself and check costs.

Def just tell her you can not afford it. There is no shame in that and if she is a good friend she Will understand.

Let up know what you do and how you get on.

shesariver Sat 19-Jan-13 09:11:23

You can't quote 100, book it, then ask for 200

This. Exactly. And if its £2400 for 1 nights accommodation where in gods name is it, Buckingham Palace?!! You can get a big villa in the South of France for a fortnight for that!

Bugsylugs Sat 19-Jan-13 09:12:18

Generally agree say no but it really depends when you agreed how long you have known that it was £200 and when you are due to go. If you have only just found out it is £200 then just say no if you have been stewing on this for sometime much more difficult.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 19-Jan-13 09:13:46

What other have said. You agreed to go based on a vague estimate of £100. Don't feel guilty about pulling out, especially as it looks likes lots of other people already have.

It is not selfish of you not to go. It would be selfish of you to blow £200+ of family money on something that you don't even really want to do!

Sausagedog27 Sat 19-Jan-13 09:15:35

I don't have any dc and wouldn't pay that!

I'd send a nice email saying you'd budgeted £100 and can't afford it. I bet you are not the only one of her friends that is bothered by this....

McPhee Sat 19-Jan-13 09:21:09

At 6 months, he still is little. My Dd is 6 months, and I'm still not comfortable leaving her even for an evening blush

Aside from that, she's blooming rude to expect people to cough up that sort of money for her birthday. Rather presumptuous tbh.

LemonBreeland Sat 19-Jan-13 09:24:02

It really looks like others have pulled out because they can't afford it etc. She is then making the rest of you pay more. That is completely unfair. She should not have booked it until she had deposits etc. from everyone. Don't feel bad pulling out. Others have obviously aleady done it.

TandB Sat 19-Jan-13 09:25:16

I think you can legitimately pull out.

She gave a costs estimate and that has now doubled.

If you pull out then she can presumably decide whether she wants to pay the extra herself. If she is cavalier enough with money to decide that all her friends can afford an extra £100 a head without notice, she should presumably be content to cough up an extra £200 herself, given that it is her birthday.

LIZS Sat 19-Jan-13 09:31:57

How could the costs have risen so much - did she invite more and they say no to that amount perhaps ? Do you know any of the others to discuss it with , they may feel similarly but are holding back. If you are going out why the elaborate surroundings.

Adversecamber Sat 19-Jan-13 09:34:17

I must admit I have turned down invites and it is nothing to do with affording them I just don't see the point.

My absolute fave invite was a forwarded email from an actual friend from her friend who I knew a little bit.

They were having a girlie weekend as they called it and had hired a huge very lovely weekend retreat the cost was about 100 each. Two people had dropped out so the organiser had sent an email asking all attendees to trawl up
B listers other friends who may like to come to save money.

My friend had just hit forward so you got to read the whole, can you think of anyone so we don't have to spend so much money.

I declined.

Bunbaker Sat 19-Jan-13 10:15:56

"I invited friends round for a 1970's style children's birthday tea, think cheese and pineapple hedgehogs and lots of pimms. Why are some people so obsessed with making everything in to such a big deal."

Hear hear Adversecamber I had a family tea party for my 40th. My sister did everything and even laid on fireworks at the end (My birthday is at the beginning of November). It was wonderful. I did the same for her when she was 40 - minus fireworks as her birthday is in April.

When I was 50 I invited half a dozen of my closest friends round and ordered a load of takeaways from the local Indian. I'm so glad I hadn't organised a big party as I had a thumping migraine that weekend, but the atmosphere was lovely and convivial. We tend to do things on a small scale in the Bunbaker household, but everyone always enjoys themselves.

LaCiccolina Sat 19-Jan-13 10:24:11

Pull out. Do's like that need forewarning and fore planning. Not half cocked like this. She bu u are not.

Montybojangles Sat 19-Jan-13 10:30:32

Just tell her she has doubled the agreed original price and you can't afford to go. I'm sure she can find someone else. If she's a good friend she will understand your situation (money and child).

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 19-Jan-13 10:40:08

Another thought when you are emailing her:

- Don't mention the fact you are only staying for 1 night. That's kind of irrelevant as she can't really find someone else for one night so I agree with the logic that you pay for both nights

- Don't mention your child. Its not really that relevant (to her) focus on the cost aspect

- Tell her how much you like her as a friend and that's why you were prepared to make a 6 hr round trip train journey for this thing, but had budgeted on £100 plus travel costs plus extra not £200. Say that you can't afford to pay extra because people have dropped out but you are willing to pay the original amount i.e. x/20 not 12

The only thing I'm not altogether clear about is if she actually stipulated a cost. If she never gave an amount but you assumed it would be about £100 then its a slightly different matter.

She will be out of pocket because of this and she may lash out at people as a result of it. Unfortunately you could be one of these people but you need to remember that she was incredibly rash to book something so expensive without having confirmed numbers.

For my hen do I booked a big venue - I did ask people to pay including myself but that was explained beforehand and understood. i deliberately picked a venue that only cost £50 pp ( in restrospect based on the quality of the place I should perhaps have spent a little more grin) but this was so that if anyone dropped out I would cover the cost myself without making the others pay anymore. No one did and I think thats because it was inexpensive and centrally located to begin with.

thebody Sat 19-Jan-13 10:40:16

Adverse that's hilarious and agree with bunbaker.

What's wrong with people. Why not a night at the local and a curry. It's all about her isn't it? Just say no op and don't worry about it.

She sounds a bit entitled anyway so not my cup of tea as a friend.

Sallyingforth Sat 19-Jan-13 10:48:04

Just pull out. If you say that £200 is too much she may start negotiating and you will end up still spending more than you want.

LynetteScavo Sat 19-Jan-13 10:48:35

I think you need to be honest and tell her you could have afforded £100, but £200 is out of the question.

I would love to have a party in a castle, but I can't afford to host it, and there is no way I would expect guests to pay. It's just not on.

If people pull out, she will just have to cancel and lose her deposit, and tbh, I think it serves her right.

And there is no way I would have left any of my DC over night at 6 months.

Binkybix Sat 19-Jan-13 10:56:15

I would be annoyed. If you don't want to go, then don't go.

However, assuming she had quoted £100 and you agreed to that, then in your position I would pay the £100. Not fair in my mind to agree to going and some cost and then not pay anything after she has booked.

On her side though, I would never book something until had set out all cost to everyone and got definite agreement. Once someone gave that, I would expect them to pay up even if they cancelled.

KindleMum Sat 19-Jan-13 11:01:17

I wouldn't pay £200 in your position. If you're told it will be £100 and had agreed, then your consent was to £100 not to double that. £100 extra may not be much to some people but it's a small fortune to others. Also it sounds like the extras may have increased rather and could increase further when you're there. If more people drop out - and they may as you're probably not the only one who can't afford £200 - will she increase the price further? I'd say no and I'd keep it simple, just say you were told about £100 and you can't afford £200.

I'll be declining an invite to a friend's non-wedding this weekend as I can't afford to take us all and although DH is perfectly happy for me to go alone, I don't want to lose a family weekend for long travel, a brief party and a lot of money spent.

Most sensible people I know who do birthday weekends either hire a Youth Hostel or if they want an expensive place, pay for it themselves.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 19-Jan-13 11:28:43

Whats a non-wedding confused ?

wowfudge Sat 19-Jan-13 11:59:30

Crikey - sounds like a nightmare. I haven't spotted when this party is going to be from the other posts, but we don't know what the Ts and Cs for the booking are so if your friend has only had to pay a deposit then it may not be the end of the world if this expensive shindig does not go ahead. If the palace gets another booking for the same dates, then - depending on the Ts & Cs - it could be that only an admin fee is lost. Don't feel bad saying you can't go - just say the cost has doubled since it was first mooted and it's no longer affordable for you.

It would be lovely to stay somewhere spectacular for a party, but when it comes down to it, being with the people you love is more important than a swanky venue. Perhaps your friend should think about saving up so she can this kind of thing when it is a special birthday, without having to ask her friends to help her pay for it?

Mia4 Sat 19-Jan-13 12:23:32

£200 for a birthday? That's the same price as a weekend hen do I'm going on, and we at least get all meals paid for! YANBU, but did you agree regardless of price in advance, because sadly then if no replacement person can be found you should pay because you've agreed. If she didn't let everyone know prices in advance and booked without letting folks know then i suspect you won't be the only pissed off one because that's really bad form.

You get quotes, find out numbers, get deposits then book. Otherwise you a) put more upon people then they expected and b) get drop outs who the other guests have to pay more to 'make up for.'

I would not go, too expensive and bad communication on your mate's part. Your friend may lose her deposit if she's already booked, or you may find she hasn't yet put anything down, but sadly for her it's her mistake to not get everyone in the know and deposits first.

Mia4 Sat 19-Jan-13 12:26:59

Actually this whole 'entitlement' thing really annoys me. My partner's just found out his friend is having a stag do and wants them to 'do the triangle' which costs about 2K! Selfish git then gets annoyed when people can't afford, because he can, because he's made of money and runs in circles with others who do does not mean his oldest, close, school friends can afford it. Especially when we have our own coming up. Very selfish.

Sorry rant over. OP tell them no, YANBU at all

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 12:29:17

Whats 'the triangle'?

Mia4 Sat 19-Jan-13 12:32:37

The triangle is Vegas, San Francisco and LA.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 12:34:46

For a stag party? shock

bedmonster Sat 19-Jan-13 12:36:38

Why the bloody hell hasn't she tried to find somewhere smaller? The thing that's pushed the price up massively is the fact it's severely under occupied. You'd think that she would realise this, and that it means that some of her (presumably?) good friends won't be able to make it therefore finding somewhere smaller and affordable would be better.

Oh, and I jumped at the chance for weekends away after having DC! grin

Mia4 Sat 19-Jan-13 12:38:36

Yes, fiveGoMad, exactly. Bloody ridiculous and so childish and entitled to expect people to be able to do it and then sulk when they can't.

expatinscotland Sat 19-Jan-13 12:38:52

I agree with the two other posters on here, since when teh fuck did birthdays now have to include weekends away?

Stag do's, hen parties, weddings, now birthdays. Used to a piss up at the local and a takeaway. A party and buffet in a local hall.

Now it's me, me, me weeks abroad, weekends in spas and ££££.

Just tell her, 'I can't afford it.'

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 12:42:21

DH's stag do was shooting some clay pigeons in the field at the back of my brother's house and a meal in the pub, hen night was a meal in a local restaurant, £20 a head my mother paid for the wine and then dancing on tables at a beach cafe where we met up with the stag party. Cheap cheerful and seriously good fun.

KindleMum Sat 19-Jan-13 12:46:33

theoriginalandbest - a "non-wedding" is when you get married on a tropical beach on a hugely expensive wedding package with almost no-one there(cos even your parents can't afford it, just the monied relatives) and then a few months later decide you missed a trick on the gift front and would like to throw a party and issue a guest list and invite people to your wedding. To me, it's definitely not a wedding. A party, a family celebration, it's many things and I hope it's lovely but it's not a wedding.

VestaCurry Sat 19-Jan-13 12:47:33

It's not fair to do this and you should tell her it's going to be hard to afford so you may not be able to come.

For my hen night, I wanted to go to a particular place that was quite expensive so I paid for 50% of the cost for everyone to make it affordable.

shesariver Sat 19-Jan-13 12:52:33

Agree with expat stag and hen dos, birthdays etc can take a mind of their own these days, and will it necessarily mean more fun I would doubt it? My hen do (admittedly in 1999) consisted of being dragged round the pubs in Byres Road in Glasgow dressed as a bride, with a potty collecting money in return for kisses, an old tradition - and we had a whale of a time! I just dont see the need for the OTT stuff which inevitably means costs can keep on going up and up!

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 19-Jan-13 12:58:54

Thanks for explaining kindlemum - yes agree you should happily miss it as its not real

zipzap Sat 19-Jan-13 13:12:11

Another vote for telling her nicely but firmly that it's just too expensive now, that you love her as a friend so you would have stretched to £100 even though that would have been tight but there's no way you can afford £200.

Thing is, I reckon there will be others getting the £200 price too and thinking exactly the same as you and dropping out so £200 today could well be £300 or £400 in a week's time when others drop out.

Also you need to decide what you are going to do if she turns around and says she wants you still to come so will only charge you £100... Probably not likely to happen but worth having an answer up your sleeve in case she does - are there going to be any incidental costs or extras that are going up massively in price too so you can still claim that it's still going to be massively and unaffordable above your £100 budget which you had assumed was for everything, not just the starting point for the weekend?

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 13:13:10

I am intrigues to know where it is.

diddl Sat 19-Jan-13 13:15:52

I think the fact that she gave a price & then booked for double that means that you don´t owe her anything tbh.

Where is it that she´s booked??

scottishmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:19:58

if the cost prohibitive and it is stressing you,decline
give adequate notice you're not attending
send a gift instead

NewAndSparklyMe Sat 19-Jan-13 13:30:04

£200?! No way are you BU, that's a hell of a lot of money for a birthday weekend - especially as you say it doesn't even cover travel and going out money, and you'll need that as WELL!
What on earth is the £200 covering then if it doesn't include the travel or the entertainment?
As that's a lot to spend just on accommodation.
I'd just say no, I can't make it.

You guys are hilarious so, as a reward, here's a link to the place she has booked www.thepenn.co.uk Not Buckingham Palace but looks pretty swanky [big grin]
Her original email back in November referred to 'costs' of £100 pp. I naively assumed this would cover everything (except travel) because she didn't mention any extras. Yesterday she confirmed final details and said it was actually £200 pp. thank god DH isn't coming otherwise we'd be on the hook for £400 which is more than our last family holiday cost!!

orchidee Sat 19-Jan-13 13:48:57

When you speak to your friend, remember that the conversation opener sets the tone.Don't begin all apologetic, I'm sorry for letting you down etc etc. Stay factual- "oh it's a shame the costs aren't what was originally discussed, I won't be able to attend but hope you all have a great time." Either your friend has invited folk who won't care that 100 became 200 and just want the experience of the venue, so 2k or whatever the cost is divided between the dwindling numbers is fine, or your friend will find that too many people are saying no. Either way, what you do isn't a big deal, it's what the majority do that matters.

orchidee Sat 19-Jan-13 13:57:21

The venue is impressive. Maybe she got carried away or talked into booking it without confirming with you all first, but she can't pass that mistake down the line.

I assume there'll be a hefty taxi fare to and from the train station too? I think the costs on this weekend will be astronomical. You'll be presented (if you go) will bills for cases of champagne someone brought and all sorts. 200 and counting.

scottishmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 13:57:36

looks outstanding,but dont get anxious about prohibitive costs
do give her plenty notice of the decline though
shame its so pricy and such a schlep to get there

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 19-Jan-13 13:58:12

It does look lovely, but if the original email said it cost £100 pp then you are definitely off the hook.

Email her straight away and be really factual about it as orchidee says. Don't mention DC or that you are staying one night only.

Don't bottle out and let us know how you get on !

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 19-Jan-13 13:59:16

She has hired that just for a birthday get together? And not even for her 40th or another big birthday?

Just how massive is her ego??

Just say no. Sounds like you're going to pay the £200 anyway but you really shouldn't.

And fuck me at the castle, that's ridiculous for a non special birthday!

LynetteScavo Sat 19-Jan-13 14:11:10

I know I'm nit-picking, but I'm not too sure about the curtains in most of the rooms.

The infinity pool looks cracking, though.

For my hen night I wanted to go to a particular restaurant, but when one friend mentioned it was very expensive (it wasn't that expensive, she'd just heard it was) we went somewhere else. I wouldn't have wanted people to not be able to afford it.

manicinsomniac Sat 19-Jan-13 14:14:49

I don't think you should pay £200 either (though I probably would to keep the peace and/or a friend).

I do think you should pay £100 because you made that commitment but you didn't commit further.

Katisha Sat 19-Jan-13 14:17:07

What are you going to do?
It's pretty unamimous on here...

diddl Sat 19-Jan-13 14:23:11

Oh the views are spectacular!

LemonBreeland Sat 19-Jan-13 14:24:14

I think that she could cancel it. Will probably lose a deposit, but it is her own fault if people drop out after she has made it cost so much.

Please cancel, don't force yourself to spend money you don't have to keep a friendship.

Orchidee has it right for the tone of speaking to her.

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 19-Jan-13 14:26:43

Email:

"Dear friend, I'm sorry but I can't afford this, in the last email discussion about this we agreed £100pp and now it has doubled. I won't be able to come after all but have a lovely time."

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 19-Jan-13 14:28:16

You could email them and pretend you are interesting in booking to find out what their cancellation policy is

Floggingmolly Sat 19-Jan-13 14:30:00

Since when did people start charging for attendance at birthday parties? shock
I wouldn't pay a tenner, frankly, just on principle. If she wants to celebrate her birthday in a country mansion, it's on her tab.

manicinsomniac Sat 19-Jan-13 14:33:21

flogginmolly - while this case is ridiculous I think it is pretty normal for guests to pay for a birthday event (not a party). If you went out for a birthday meal, for example, you wouldn't expect the birthday person to pay the whole bill would you? In my groups of friends we normally divide the birthday person's bill among the rest of us actually.

NewPatchesForOld Sat 19-Jan-13 14:37:22

If you are going to cancel OP (And I think you should) I would do it sooner rather than later. Other people will be doing the same no doubt, and as each person cancels your friend will be getting more and more irate, and the cost will be going up and up.
I think it's very narcissistic of her to arrange her birthday at this place, it looks beautiful but way OTT, and after all it seems you will only be using it as a base (ie somewhere to sleep) if you say there are still going out costs on top...wouldn't it be better to book a nice b&b or hotel at a fraction of the price?

NewPatchesForOld Sat 19-Jan-13 14:42:58

And I certainly wouldn't be coughing up £200 either...if you are hell bent on paying out of guilt then I would pay not a penny more than the £100 already agreed.

givemeaclue Sat 19-Jan-13 14:43:59

Spending £200 to go on this weekend would be mad, but to feel obliged to spend £200 when you prob are not going to go is ludicrous.

You said you would go when it 100, its not 100 so just explain that with the increase on the cost you wont be able to make it. Imagine you won't be the only one, drop out now before other people do and the cost increases further. Lesson learned for you, friend!

givemeaclue Sat 19-Jan-13 14:44:29

Your friend

Pandemoniaa Sat 19-Jan-13 14:46:45

£200!

Heavens! Even amongst our circle of reasonable comfortably off friends that'd be seen as a quite ludicrous cost to celebrate a birthday.

Just say you can't go because the whole thing is unaffordable. I'll bet you won't be the only one.

Lafaminute Sat 19-Jan-13 14:49:28

It is okay to say I can't afford that or I didn't realise it was going to be so expensive. I've had to say that a lot recently as friends have been having significant birthdays and I was looking at spending more on each of their celebrations than I spent on my own./ I found it difficult the first few times but not any more - true friends shouldn't hold such things against someone

JoanByers Sat 19-Jan-13 14:53:04

Say sorry I can't afford it, and don't go.

Yfronts Sat 19-Jan-13 14:57:19

Just say sorry you can't afford it and that you don't want to leave little one. You hadn't realised how hard it would be to leave her before now.

SaladIsMyFriend Sat 19-Jan-13 14:59:11

YADNBU. You do not have to go and you do not have to pay a penny. This is all on your friend, it's up to her to sort it out when you cancel.

I'd send Holla's email, perfectly worded.

Life is too short to do things you don't want to do, enjoy pfb and don't worry about this situation for a second longer - just cancel.

Yfronts Sat 19-Jan-13 15:00:15

Just say 'as you know 100 was my limit and I can't afford the new price sorry'

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 19-Jan-13 15:12:45

It's a nice gaff and all, but for an overnight stay with more to pay out on train fare, taxis, food, and drink? Nah!

I'm presuming it's already booked and deposit put down? Shame really, for that money she could have had you all for a stay here dreaded spa which is just as sumptuous, breakfast, lunch and 3 course dinner and only £129! I know MN doesn't really approve of spa weekends as an answer, but I spent two nights here wondering round in a dressing gown, sitting in the jacuzzi, getting glamed up for the night and stuffing my face!

I really want to know what she says when you tell her no.

expatinscotland Sat 19-Jan-13 15:14:26

Where do people even find places like this for their fecking birthday? Seriously, how much time do you have to have on your hands to think, 'I'll go venue shopping for my birthday weekend?

Spuddybean Sat 19-Jan-13 15:15:25

i would say i can pay the £100 i agreed (then she can decide if she wants to make up the rest) or cancel and not go or give anything. I would also say you thought this included food/drink so ask how much the 'extra celebrations' will be? ie has she booked a restaurant? what's the menu? are they planning on ordering champagne and just splitting the bill evenly? In which case the night out could cost another £100 easily.

LittleChimneyDroppings Sat 19-Jan-13 15:22:18

If she only told you yesterday that the price is £200 then you still have time to get out of it. Say you've spoken to your dh, and you have concluded you really can't spend this much money. So you're going to pull out. If the others want to go they can split the cost. It won't work out too much between 12 of them. Be assertive now, dont let her take you for a mug.

Virgil Sat 19-Jan-13 15:33:18

Also, consider the fact that if people have been told yesterday that its £200 there may well be others who are going to pull out over the weekend pushing the cost up even higher.

The things drive me mad. Why does everyone think they are so special nowadays?

Overcooked Sat 19-Jan-13 15:40:06

Fuck me, they are really going to be rattling around 12 (or 11) people in that place - it looks like somewhere you would get married if you had mega buck - mad.

18 of us went to a country house for three nights for my thirtieth and it cost £50 pp for all three nights - £200 plus is madness.

flow4 Sat 19-Jan-13 15:44:57

People in my circle of friends do like to go away together and everyone is perfectly happy to split the costs - in fact, splitting the costs is the only way many of us could ever afford to have a weekend away, so we're happy if someone has a birthday or some other excuse for a house-party. grin But we use Youth Hostels or other much cheaper venues - more like £20-30 per person for a weekend, rather than £200!

There is a certain amount of risk involved in booking a venue for a large group of friends/acquaintances... I paid for a YH booking a few years ago because I was the only person with enough cash in the bank; but the party included some people I didn't know well, and a few of them never paid their share, and I ended up about £150 out-of-pocket... I won't make the same mistake again. hmm

I probably wouldn't go if it was me, Mogwai. It's just too much money. It might be awkward with your friend, at least for a bit... But there does come a point when you have to stop living your life by other people's standards, and do what's right for you. Your real friends will stay with you. smile

givemeaclue Sat 19-Jan-13 16:14:21

I'd be very surprised if this over ambitious, ego trip went ahead

lynniep Sat 19-Jan-13 16:18:24

YANBU. Thats an outrageous amount. If my friends want to organise a 'holiday' like that, then cost is decide BEFORE its booked. I havent read the thread, but I going to take a guess thats what everyone else has said too.

maddening Sat 19-Jan-13 16:20:30

She was looking through and saw this and got carried away - it is lovely but beyond her means. It isn't worth it - you can get beautiful placs for so much less.

I hate these " My birthday " arseholes , people really need to get over themselves and realise people don't want to live on beans on toast for the rest of the month just to celebrate their birthday " weekend "

LoopsInHoops Sat 19-Jan-13 16:24:06

You have to email and say 'sorry, I thought it was 100, I can't afford 200, I can't come.'

LoopsInHoops Sat 19-Jan-13 16:25:13

Oh, and OP, you know it will go up before you go, don't you? My bet is at least 2 other friends (if not most) are having this same discussion, and will drop out. and have the courage to not pay

bedmonster Sat 19-Jan-13 16:25:26

It does look lovely, are you not even tempted by the thought of a few drinks and a lie in (at a prohibitive cost!) ? wink grin

She's booked that for a birthday - crikey.

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 19-Jan-13 16:39:08

Good point about others dropping out, I'd send my apologies ASAP, she's going to get either more and more disappointed or angry as people start cancelling and likely to put more pressure on you.

LIZS Sat 19-Jan-13 16:40:46

Do it sooner rather than later .

Anniegetyourgun Sat 19-Jan-13 16:45:23

Would it be beyond the bounds of all reason to send her £100 (the original amount it was supposed to cost) as a birthday present? With a "sorry can't make it at that price, but hope the enclosed will be useful" sort of note. You'd still be saving £100 + train fare + taxi + meals out + champagne etc etc etc...

RuchedCurtain Sat 19-Jan-13 16:52:09

G5v uhnvbbugnhhhhgrfftxfffffhjk ikkkjkkokkkkxrkklkkkkllllk.

whateveritakes Sat 19-Jan-13 16:57:14

I've just done one of these and there were lots of people talking of pulling out etc beforehand. My friend found a place just short of £2000 asked £100 of everybody and paid the deposit of £500 and brought all the food.

I too was unsure about going but it was a blast. I didn't really know anyone but they were all very easy to get along with, chilled and pretty good fun. It needs a good mix to make this sort of party work. If you haven't been persuaded into going she probably isn't going to make the party work for you either. Lots of people needed "reassuring" before and during the party.

BluelightsAndSirens Sat 19-Jan-13 17:03:58

Madness!!

Have you emailed her yet?

gertrudestein Sat 19-Jan-13 17:25:04

Don't go! Have been in the exact same situation and pulled out. Write off the £200 if you have to. If your friend doesn't understand now, she will in the future when she is next short of cash (it happens to everyone now and then)

MrsHuxtable Sat 19-Jan-13 17:34:59

Any news?

Lambzig Sat 19-Jan-13 18:38:36

It only has 9 bedrooms, so the original 20 people would have been seriously squashed (assuming the birthday girl reserved one for herself, that would leave 18 or 19 people sharing 8 rooms, some three to a room!).

Either you are paying £200 for 'single occupancy' for a double room as your partner isnt going, or you would be forking out £200 to share a room with someone. Crazy!

It is gorgeous and for a wedding maybe, but for a birthday. ridiculous.

happynewmind Sat 19-Jan-13 19:23:25

You would not be unreasonable to cancel, you were told £100, its now double that, you have a young baby and you can't afford to shell out that kind of money on one night away.

Send her an email saying the cost has doubled and you simply haven't got it with all the costs of a new baby.

Right I've done it!
Emailed and said that as the price has gone up bloody well doubled I can no longer afford it and will have to duck out. Am going to pay £100 because I did commit to that orignally and although I hate throwing away money like this I think that is only fair and i will be saving lots more £££ by not going.
Phew, so relieved that is over and done with. Have learnt a big lesson in not just saying yes to everything without thinking things through.
Thanks heaps for all your great advice! smile

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 19:34:37

Thought that might be the place, you really need to go there in the summer and not the depths of winter. Portland is really, really bleak.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 19:35:05

And is a nightmare to get too if your are using public transport.

kitsmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 19:36:47

jeez, she must be so full of self importance to book a venue like that for a nothingy birthday!!!

I think you're morally obliged to pay her £100, wether you go or not, as you comitted to this a while ago. Do not get guilt tripped into coughing up the whole £200 though, that's beyond ridiculous.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 19:39:25

Recently seen on Made in Chelsea.

ENormaSnob Sat 19-Jan-13 19:46:54

I wouldn't pay the 100 for something I could no longer attend because someone else fucked up the arrangements.

No way.

INeedThatForkOff Sat 19-Jan-13 19:49:18

Well I hope she suggests that you still come for the one night if you're paying the £100.

I hope she doesn't! Can't afford the bloody train fare [big grin]

grin

kitsmummy Sat 19-Jan-13 19:52:01

need an update!

orchidee Sat 19-Jan-13 19:59:25

It's difficult though- someone mentions vague plans, you say "that sounds good" then they book without confirming the actual costs and other details. It can happen to anyone. I think you've handled it with integrity.

And as I said before, I think you've dodged a bullet, this will be the sort of weekend where you are best to hand over your credit card details and accept you've no control on how much it costs. Not just the changing accommodation costs but all the extras that are inevitable.

givemeaclue Sat 19-Jan-13 20:02:27

Please ensure you start a new thread should this friend ever get married, bridezilla to the max....do not agree to be bridesmaid <hen weekend in Barbados>...

You have done the right thing, let us know how she replies. You are a very good friend with impeccable manners to offer to say the 100

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 19-Jan-13 20:14:55

I think you're been very good offering the £100. I don't think I could bring myself to do it if the initial figures talked about were in that range.

More fool her for not working to her friends budgets. Probably saved yourself an ear bashing offering though.

That's exactly how it happened - a vague plan that sounded good at the time - and with a new(ish) baby I hadn't been out for ages and felt under pressure to go and support my friend. Next thing I know BAM two hundred big ones!
Not sure I should mention this as my poor friend has already had a bit of a slating grin but she is a trust fund baby - ie loads of old family money and has never had to work so I think it's all a bit different for her.
And Dorset Made in Chelsea seriously?!?

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 20:18:10

Yep, shown about a couple of months ago. When did she arrange the party? it does look lovely when I have driven past.

Binkybix Sat 19-Jan-13 20:18:32

Then seriously, she should be paying for the lot!

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 20:21:15

And why do you need going out money when you can have your own chef?

Early November, maybe she saw the show!

DoodlesNoodles Sat 19-Jan-13 20:26:25

Well done. I think you have done the right thing. Hope she takes it ok. At least she has time to find some more friends to join her.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 20:26:30

Sounds about right.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 20:26:57

time wise.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 20:28:01

But Portland in the winter is a completely different kettle of fish than Portland in the summer, not sure if it was even accessible on Friday as the hill is really steep to get up to the top where the Castle is.

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 19-Jan-13 20:30:55

I suppose it depends of the rest of the people going too, maybe they're happy to splash the cash on a moments notice too. Happily though most people work to the smallest budget and every one else enjoys the saving.

At least I thought they did!

theoriginalandbestrookie Sat 19-Jan-13 20:31:28

Well done OP, offering her £100 is very classy probably a lot classier in the circumstances. Do let us know the response ( because I'm living my life voraciously through this!

givemeaclue Sat 19-Jan-13 20:45:39

If we all chip in a tenner, could we all turn up?

Just been looking up prices. From what I can find £200 is one nights price. It costs £5000-6000 for two nights so if they're paying that it looks like other guests are going to be paying £400+ for two nights, unless she's subsidising it.

Madness shock

clue there is plenty of room and if enough of you come maybe the cost will go back down to £100 and I can join in too grin
Knew I shouldn't have posted the actual link

bedmonster Sat 19-Jan-13 21:02:36

I'm in. Mogwai i'll share with you and bring some lots of booze we can decant into hipflasks, save on other costs. grin

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 19-Jan-13 21:03:52

I will wave at you from across the water.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 19-Jan-13 21:13:51

In that case why isn't she paying the whole lot!?

tigerdriverII Sat 19-Jan-13 21:18:55

I don't understand why adults have birthday parties anyway. It's just weird. I mean, have a nice day and go out with your family, but a party, or a big meal with loads of friends, it's just a bit odd and drawing attention to oneself.

orchidee Sat 19-Jan-13 22:30:16

Ah trust funds. From my experience, the birthday girl may not realise that cost could be an issue for anyone so the venue is fair enough in her situation and her booking it ahead of confirming costs with you is more understandable. Hopefully you can arrange another celebration as well. One that doesn't involve 6+ hours of traveling!

What exactly is a Trust Fund Baby?

ATouchOfStuffing Sat 19-Jan-13 22:35:22

I'd pull out and say pfb is ill, or if you have to pay in advance it is around the time they are having vaccinations/HV check ups or anything you can think of...

You can catch up with her on another night just the two of you perhaps, much nicer and cheaper that way.

scottishmummy Sun 20-Jan-13 00:04:15

trust fund baby=mumsy and daddy are loaded,saved money for you
likely trust fund baby doesn't know value of money as it comes easily
unlikely to know the realities of being skint or watchin budgets

JusticeCrab Sun 20-Jan-13 06:54:12

I've gone on country house breaks quite regularly, and the consensus among our group of friends is that 100 quid each + food and booze costs (usually limited to 10 quid per person per day) is ample. We do go in quite large groups, though. 200 quid each for 24 hours is excessive, and in fact when someone in our friendship group suggested more expensive accommodation than the average, they were laughed out of town. Well, not quite laughed out of town. But you get what I mean.

dolcelatte Sun 20-Jan-13 07:57:06

If she is a good friend she should understand your circumstances and also pay for you, or make a contribution.

MrsCR Sun 20-Jan-13 09:28:29

Well, what did she say?! Has she replied to your email?

diddl Sun 20-Jan-13 09:41:55

I hope she feels awful tbh.

I would-at the thought of a friend forking out 100GBP for nothing.

I wonder if she expects presents as well??!!

She hasn't replied yet... eeeeeeeek

wonderstuff Sun 20-Jan-13 10:30:30

I think you have definitely done the right thing shamelessly marking place to find out what she says

Lambzig Sun 20-Jan-13 12:13:20

Good for you, I think you have done the right thing and if she doesnt get it, then she is probably not a good friend.

melliebobs Sun 20-Jan-13 12:16:14

Not had chance to read all the other posts. But it really pisses me off when people have a birthday and say 'it's going to cost x amount' it's like charging a bloody entry fee. They may as well have a bash at home and ask everyone to pay a tenner to come in. Really gets on my wick

Right, for those who are interested (and apologies to those who are not) she has replied saying that she respects my decision but doesn't think £200 is much for such a fantastic venue. She also said there wasn't much difference between her original estimate and the final figure confused - on this we will have to agree to disagree because I think £100 is a significant sum to most people.
I haven't argued my case, as you all agreed I should just stick to the facts and not grovel too much so I just said I'd take her out for a celebratory drink when she gets back.
I then had a v sad email from another friend saying that she can't believe it's so expensive and she wished she'd never agreed to go!! Poor girl is getting married next month and she's worried that most of the people invited to this birthday weekend (myself included) will have to fork out for her hen do and the wedding in the same month.

Binkybix Sun 20-Jan-13 18:52:24

I'm interested still! That rely would annoy me, you're very good to rise above it and not respond . Poor friend - wonder if she will be inspired by you and pull out too!?

Lueji Sun 20-Jan-13 19:01:38

100% more IS a significant increase.

It's 200% of the original estimate!!!

I agree with Mellies. IMO, people should get together and offer the bash/party to the birthday person, or he/she should cover the cost of said bash/party.
And never force such costs on people. Unless they are all millionaires.

spatchcock Sun 20-Jan-13 19:03:37

Your friend is living in a fantasy world where everyone lives in a castle and all pockets are stuffed with £100 notes!

expatinscotland Sun 20-Jan-13 19:03:55

Your friend is very self-absorbed.

howtoboilanegg Sun 20-Jan-13 19:10:24

OP...so pleased you backed out. Rest assured that you did the Right Thing.
I would be surprised if you and your other friend are the only two upset at the price hike. Is your other friend going to cancel too?
£200 + extras + travel + present too I presume is a ridiculous amount of money for her to assume that people have to spend.
I would not be surprised if more drop out and it's cancelled.

KindleMum Sun 20-Jan-13 19:15:58

If someone tells you they can't afford something, how rude and insensitive do you need to be to then say it's not much money!!!

You've definitely done the right thing, I'd be amazed if this weekend had cost you less than £500 in the end and could easily have been more.

£100 is a lot of money to plenty of people, not just those who are on benefits or consider themselves poor. For many families who are doing ok, it could still be a whole month's disposable income/treat money. She is very self-absorbed and ignorant.

DoodleAlley Sun 20-Jan-13 19:16:06

Are you going to tell your friend you've cancelled? If enough people show concern she might be able to pull out with minimal financial loss at this stage.

or supplement it from her trust fund!

SugarPasteSnowflake Sun 20-Jan-13 19:19:03

I would reply to her. I'd point out that to her £200 might not be much, but it would more than cover a week's worth of groceries and that not everyone has the luxury of a private income. That although she is a good friend and you wish her a fantastic birthday, she could perhaps bear in mind that not everyone has a spare £200 to hand.

Normally I'd be for keeping the peace, but she's being dismissive and thoughtless. You probably won't be the only person who can't afford it. If she wants to have a flash hotel for her birthday then she needs to consider if her guests can afford it, unless she's offering to pay the accommodation bill herself.

SugarPasteSnowflake Sun 20-Jan-13 19:20:16

Sorry meant to say that the extra £100 would more than cover a week's groceries!!

orchidee Sun 20-Jan-13 19:38:40

Birthday girl is right- it is a fantastic venue. Fantastic in the dictionary sense. It'd be a fantasy of a weekend to mill around there but it's just not a priority for you (and maybe some others?) Hopefully there's no hard feelings. Did she mention the £100 you offered to pay?

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Sun 20-Jan-13 19:44:00

Thank you for updating, I was keen to hear. Your poor other friend! Could she say same as you?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 20-Jan-13 19:51:24

Bloody hell I would reply to that. She is in cloud cuckoo land if she thinks £200 isn't much!

And why would you take her out for a drink - you've just given her £100!

Tell your other friend that you have dropped out, then she might feel able to do the same.

Lueji Sun 20-Jan-13 19:58:51

£100 is a lot of money to plenty of people, not just those who are on benefits or consider themselves poor.
This^

I earn a good salary. And would never spend £100 on a friend's birthday. Nor on a relative's.
Let alone £200, plus travel, present and other expenses.

She's taking the piss.
I wonder if she is paying, btw. hmm

Sausagedog27 Sun 20-Jan-13 20:09:15

I hope your nice friend also pulls out op. I can't believe what she said- she obviously has a very high opinion of herself!

Sorry should've been clear... Bride to Be knew I'd pulled out which is why she emailed me. She isn't going to cancel (though I think she should) but Birthday Girl is one of her bridesmaids so they're much closer and why Birthday Girl probably should've been more thoughtful about booking this trip so close to her hen/wedding

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 20-Jan-13 20:40:31

I hope others pull out too.

I'm sure she has some lovely redeeming features, but she needs to learn to respect people's limitations and obligations if she wants to spend time with them.

If you haven't replied yet, I'd be tempted to point out to her that it's not nice to be in a position where your finances stop you doing something and it'd be nice if she respected that instead of making it more uncomfortable/embarrassing.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 20-Jan-13 20:45:14

Thanks for updating OP. Are you going to have to pay the £100 ?

LemonBreeland Sun 20-Jan-13 20:55:26

Thanks for the update. Your friend very clearly does not live in the real world, and I doubt it would even help to explain how much £100 could buy you. She will never understand what it means to have to budget and count the pennies.

I feel for your friend. She should have a thread on here so we can convince her to drop out too, as I doubt without all of the mners telling you that it was okay you would not have done it. grin

Sounds like she doesn't like not being centre of attention. Always the bridesmaid??

Inertia Sun 20-Jan-13 21:13:44

You are totally in the right here, your friend is taking the piss. £200 might not be a lot to her , but it is an awful lot of money for most people- and if the sum is really that insignificant to her, then she can cover it for you.

TBH I think she's being tight if she does demand the £100 from you- she knows that you now cannot afford to go, and the reason for that is that she's doubled the cost even though she is on a tight budget.

Please don't buy her a birthday present!

DizzyZebra Sun 20-Jan-13 21:16:39

I'd tell her that i just can't afford the £200 and that i wouldn't have agreed in the first place had i known the cost was that high.

DoodlesNoodles Sun 20-Jan-13 21:27:33

I actually don't think the reply is that bad. People are often overly defensive when things like this happen. It is not the best response butit could have been worse. I wouldn't reply and would not mention it again. If you have said you will pay the £100 I would send her a cheque in the post with a short note. I would hope she wouldn't cash it.

It sounds like you can carry on being friends, I think.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 20-Jan-13 21:41:47

That is a good point Fizz - sounds like she might be jealous of the wedding and be wanting to have a party where she gets all the attention.

VenusRising Sun 20-Jan-13 22:38:44

It's not the end of the world not to go if you just cannot afford it. There are lots of people tightening their belts, and saving for a rainy day.

Ask your friend around for a lovely dinner or lunch and have a pampering session!

CrapBag Sun 20-Jan-13 22:50:13

OK I'm not reading 10 pages of replies, but YANBU. Its a stupid amount of money for anyones birthday (unless close family) expecially when it isn't even a special one.

A friend of mine tried organising something for our friends birthday last year. It wasn't a special age but she wanted £75 per person, plus travel expenses, night out, food etc etc. All for one night. I laughed and said no and told her that she shouldn't ask others. She did though. Whilst no one else reacted like me (I can be a tad blunt), they obviously agreed as they had to cancel as it was too much money for people to pay on a friends birthday and no one else wanted to go.

howtoboilanegg Mon 21-Jan-13 08:35:22

OP..
Just have to come back again after your last post!

Your friend is extraordinarily selfish...not only in what she expects from her friends for her birthday, but the fact that she does this just ahead of the second friend's hen do and wedding, (in which she has a Big Role) KNOWING that it's the same people having to spend big money twice over.
Sounds to me like she's trying to trump the bride to be in all this too.
I am appalled!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 21-Jan-13 09:08:03

Howto, I really don't think she is trying to trump the bride - she is just someone who never gives money a second thought.

I had a friend who got a high paying job and started organising his birthday parties at expensive venues - his friends from his new job went, his friends from his old job didn't. Still not sure if he worked out why.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 21-Jan-13 09:08:43

Oh, and OP, YANBU of course.

It's not 'just' £200 is it though.

You have to travel there, then there would food to pay for. Her just '£200' is probably nearer £400 once everything is paid for.

How deeply deeply depressing that she is so out of touch with normal life that her response was that.

Well done Mum and Dad!

Bugger I've already transferred the £100 because sending a cheque is a MUCH better idea! Although I think its right to pay my share of what I committed to, it would have been really interesting to see whether or not she cashed the cheque!

I don't think she's intentionally trying to trump the bride but I do think she should be a bit more thoughtful. I'm not saying the wedding takes preference over everything else but the date has been in the diary for ages and its one of her best friends so perhaps save the birthday weekend for another (non landmark) year?!

orchidee Mon 21-Jan-13 13:15:29

Re: bank transfer. Send a card or email saying the transfer has been made and could she please confirm it arrived, and something to make it clear the money is your contribution toward her having a fab weekend I.e. that's the birthday gift.

Are you sure that this is not a surprise HEN disguised as a birthday party? shock

Abra1d Mon 21-Jan-13 13:25:58

I wonder if the OP's friend will be posting in five or ten years' time that it's so unfair that she is expected to save for her own pension and how is she supposed to afford it?

JenaiMorris Mon 21-Jan-13 13:28:20

Yes, double check what that £200 covers before pulling out.

JenaiMorris Mon 21-Jan-13 13:30:01

Failed to read past page 1, sorry blush

Ignore me.

diddl Mon 21-Jan-13 14:20:09

Who said that?grin

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