To think that my DM is being to overbearing?

(33 Posts)
Raspberryyogurt Fri 18-Jan-13 18:06:08

I have had to move back in with my DM and DF 7 weeks ago. I have found the my mum is very overbearing with my DS and thinks that she is mum sometimes, It is driving me insane and I new to know if its just me or she generally is being unreasonable.

Some of the things she does are...

1. She criticises me when I discipline DS, I use the 'Time out' technique and it works well for us my she is always telling me (While trying to teach DS) that 'He needs a smack, That will teach him' She keeps going on about how I should smack him as we were smacked as children and it 'Didn't do us any harm'. I would never smack my DS, end of.

2. She calls him 'My boy' and refers to him as this to whoever she is talking to.

3. She continuously tells people how she is sure that DS will call her and my DF 'Mum' and 'Dad' because they are a parental figure now.

4. I am pregnant with DC2 and I have a scan next week, Because it is booked on a day that she is busy and can't attend I have been told that I 'Never consider other people' I am 'Utterly selfish' and I have been told to 'Shut the fuck up' every time I talk to her about it. FYI she can come to the scan it had to be booked that day as that was the only day i was offered and i have an appointment the week after for results etc. she has now said that she doesn't want to because I tried to exclude her.

5. She criticises everything DS wears, If he is in his pyjamas too long or if an outfit doesn't match it's 'Mummy's fault'.

6. When I tell DS 'No' an he is upset he will run to her and she picks him up straight away and tells him 'Mummy's being mean'.

7. When I am playing with DS she is always find something that will interest him more and so he leaves me and plays with her, This happens every time.

8. She criticises my portion sizes for DS and what he eats when i feed him. (Always healthy food, Within the guidelines).

9. If he is playing with something pink she snatches it off of him and says 'Only girls play with pink things'.

10. She has to give him his bedtime bottle or she becomes moody as that is the only time DS will sit still and have a cuddle (He has never been a cuddly baby) Then hands him over to me to take him to bed.

11. She walks in my room when she hears that he is awake to say hello when I am getting ready to get up.

Every time I try to talk to her about these things she gets angry and creates an atmosphere for everyone else for the rest of the week.

I don't know what to do, AIBU? Or is this normal?

Primrose123 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:07:46

I don't think this is going to work. Is there any way at all you could move out?

Raspberryyogurt Fri 18-Jan-13 18:08:30

sorry about mistakes I am on my phone, Should have also included that DS is 17 months.

Raspberryyogurt Fri 18-Jan-13 18:14:16

There is no way I could move out unfortunately, My Fiancé left me and I was kicked out of the home so I have no money and nowhere to go.

CaptChaos Fri 18-Jan-13 18:15:10

This does not bode well. Is there nowhere else you can stay? Another relative maybe?

Ingles2 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:16:00

why do you need to ask? of course this isn't normal behaviour!
You are going to have to move out unfortunately, I don't imagine for one moment that your dm will be able to adapt her behaviour.sorry

Ingles2 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:17:15

cross posts..you poor thing....
Anyone else at all? siblings? friends?

manicbmc Fri 18-Jan-13 18:17:55

Get on to housing asap. Declare your self homeless and get out as soon as you can.

And give your fiancé a swift kick in the bollocks for being a feckless loser and making a pregnant mother homeless.

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 18-Jan-13 18:18:36

You may have to put up with this for a while, but do everything in your power to get out of there as soon as you can.

Because I don't think she's going to listen to reason.

At least you can let her provide child care while you work and save money? I hope?

Ingles2 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:18:58

I agree..present yourself at housing first thing monday and see how they can help.

spanky2 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:20:41

Probably being dumb but could you apply for a council house ? Poor you just what you need.biscuit thanks

MrsAmaretto Fri 18-Jan-13 18:21:20

WTF? Your mother is a cow and trying to takeover your son. You must be entitled to help. Surely she is bad for your mental health. Can citizens Advice help?

Hope you get away soon

fourcallingbirdsofshore Fri 18-Jan-13 18:24:31

YANBU

Good on you for not smacking your ds. Btw I think 17 mo is much too young for Time Out, at this age he just needs a gentle 'no' or direction / distraction.

Good luck with your housing, and congratulations on your pregnancy!

MajesticWhine Fri 18-Jan-13 18:28:54

This is definitely not normal. Of course YANBU. Just how dare she insist on giving him his bedtime bottle - what if you want to give it to him? Are you allowed to be moody about this, or do you always have to fit in around DM's moods? She sounds like a nightmare. I would suggest you try and change your behaviour drastically to become more assertive.. or leave asap.

Get on a list. Get out. She is damaging.

Raspberryyogurt Fri 18-Jan-13 18:34:26

Thankyou all for your replies.

I would love to get a house, I didn't think that I would be able to get one; It's just money that I am worried about and I thought that I wouldn't be piority as there is room for me here. I will give them a call and ask them for advice.

It has been extremely hard with my recent breakup, Going through pregnancy alone and getting used to the fact that I am now a single parent but my mum has added to the stress and its getting on top of me now.

pictish Fri 18-Jan-13 18:38:42

Oh you poor poor woman!

Of course it isn't normal...she is seriously hell bent on taking over your son for herself!

maddening Fri 18-Jan-13 19:00:35

Can you talk to the housing association about a council house? Surely with dc, 1 on way and made homeless you'd be high on the list?

Does fiance pay maintenance?

Could you speak to your HV or MW about the situation (specifically HV), mayve they could assist with guiding you to local services that you could use to help get out.

Raspberryyogurt Fri 18-Jan-13 19:17:35

Ex doesn't pay anything towards DS as he is a student and the CSA say that 'He doesn't have to'. I have only just got the CB changed over as he refused to give me the details because it was put into his bank account.

diaimchlo Fri 18-Jan-13 19:22:00

As a Nana to my beautiful Grandchildren I am disgusted in the way your Mother is behaving. However much she may disagree with your routines and ways of doing things she should remember that your children are yours and respect that everyone has different ideas of parenting.

If, (which I do not think for one minute you are) maybe doing something that is not beneficial to your son in her eyes the correct way of handling it would to say "have you maybe thought of trying to do it this way, it worked for me when you were young" instead of being domineering.

As for entering your room, whether it is in her house or not is totally disrespectful, it is still your own private personal space and she should not enter without your invite.

As suggested before go to the housing dept and get your name down for a council house, tell them about your situation and ask to be classed as homeless.

Good luck and hug xx

Peanutbutterfingers Fri 18-Jan-13 19:32:52

If you can get a housing application in even if you're not at the top of list (depends where you live, here we have a points system)

Once you're on list council should be able to act as guarantor for private landlord so you don't have to pay anything up front be ause you have young child

Your DS should not be subject to this, it is confusing and potentially toxic to your relationship with him

Peanutbutterfingers Fri 18-Jan-13 19:35:49

Be careful going homeless, in our city homeless will result in 6 weeks in an awful b&b where you have to be out from 10 every day. They are very scary places for adults never mind children, followed by housing in a high rise flat no-one else wants. If you live in a small town/rural you might be luckier, a big city, don't do it.

foslady Fri 18-Jan-13 19:40:48

Not sure where you are but google housing associations in your area and register with ALL of them, and go to your housing advice team and ask about a statutory homeless interview. Ask if they have any direct lets/quick key schemes. Get any applications you already have in updated, and if you can get your midwife team/doctor/surestart to write you a support letter do so.

You have to get out of there for not only your sake but your childrens too

Where (roughly) are you OP - some areas have short or even no waiting lists for properties, and plenty of private lets going too. I'm in the north east and it is fairly straightforward to get a property here, and the HA ones have rents that are at or below the housing benefit levels so there's no more to find each week.
Would you consider moving away with your children? I know it would be hard, but you could meet new friends and if your parents are no help anyway, and just add to your stress, maybe a break from them and a fresh start as an adult, with a family, in your own right so to speak would be a good thing for you and your DCs. It could be done, there are people who will help and advise you and who've been through it themselves - not just here but in r/l too. Might be worth thinking over and looking into...

scott2609 Fri 18-Jan-13 19:52:01

If you're going to make a homeless application as some are recommending (which is the only way you'd potentially be 'bumped' up the list- however, legislation changed last year so that homeless applicants don't necessary automatically get council/ housing association accommodation if they're owed a duty- you'd more likely be put in cheap private rented acc) then your parents would need to be serious about throwing you out.

I'm a housing officer and my job is to make decisions on homeless applications. It can be a lengthy and quite stressful process- we will pry into every part of your life- if you're going to make a contrived application (ie: your parents aren't asking you to leave), you'll need to do a good job of lying and your parents sticking with the story. You will be made to sign a declaration in which you face prosecution and a fine of up to £5000 if you're proven to have made a contrived application, or have lied about anything to improve your chances of being owed a duty.

It's also not a guarantee that you'll end up getting help either- your main barrier would be that you could potentially be found intentionally homeless, in which case, the council would be legally obliged to inform social services and they would pick up your case. It really depends on why you lost your previous accommodation, and whether, essentially, if was through your own fault.

However, your situation sounds really challenging and I'm not surprised you're struggling here. Her behaviour is not reasonable at all.

alcibiades Fri 18-Jan-13 20:28:15

Has she often been difficult to deal with in the past, or is this overbearing, interfering behaviour something that's only been happening since you moved back with your parents? I'm wondering what your father thinks of all this, or maybe he's keeping out of it "for a quiet life".

Along with all the other sources of support already mentioned here, you could also try Women's Aid. Not all domestic abuse is spousal abuse, and not all domestic abuse is physical abuse. The Women's Aid phoneline is often very busy, so it might be difficult to get through, but they do understand the effect of emotional abuse (which in my book your mother is exhibiting) on vulnerable women and children.

Ignore me if I'm well I know I am being nosy raspberry but how old are you? Does your mother still think of you as a child yourself maybe?
My pfb has a friend who is 21 and has a baby of 14 months, and her mother is vile to her a lot of the time sad the poor lass can't do right for doing wrong, and every decision she makes about the baby is wrong in her mother's eyes, and one of her favourite remarks to put her down is "you're nowt but a bairn yourself, what do you know" and it's heartbreaking because she is a good mother and tries really hard to do her best.
Could your mother have slipped into thinking she knows better than you because of your age maybe? I know it's no excuse, I just wondered am a nosy cow and it can be harder to get taken seriously when you're young.

maddening Fri 18-Jan-13 20:45:01

Scott - could she try a different tac in that she and the children only have 1 room?

sukysue Fri 18-Jan-13 21:07:19

You need to be very careful here I can see her taking over completely when your second child is born oh dear I think you need to get out make yourself homeless get into a B&B if necessary but just get out now.

scott2609 Sun 20-Jan-13 08:23:37

Maddening- in order to be classed as homeless by virtue of living in overcrowded conditions, an environmental health officer would first of all need to visit the property and determine whether it is actually overcrowded. There are very clear guidelines, and it is rare that people who think they're overcrowded actually are in law.

I can't say that it's not, but the fact they're sharing a room means nothing really. There is an expectation that at least two adults could sleep in an average sized living room, and so the suggestion would probably be that the OP sleeps on the sofa and that her DC remains in the bedroom.

MrsMushroom Sun 20-Jan-13 08:49:30

Oh what a situation! Poor you. I have a MIL lik your Mum and know how it feels to be undermined.

I had to woman-up a bit and began removing DD from MIL and going into another room....its hard but could be a coping mechanism.

acceptableinthe80s Sun 20-Jan-13 09:06:26

What a horrible situation to be in raspberry. You need to get out of there asap. Are you claiming everything you're entitled to? child tax credit/Income support? I've been in your situation, fortunately my parents are lovely and lent me the money for a deposit on a private rental. Could you save your tax credits for a couple of months so you have the deposit for a private rental? I think that's going to be the quickest route out of there for you. Are the other grandparents around?, could they help you out?
Meanwhile you need to stand up to your mother, next time she comments on your parenting just very firmly tell her that you are your son's mother and you will parent him how you see fit. If you want to give ds his bottle just tell her to back the fuck off.
Good luck.

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