To be really upset with my Mum and her rubbish apology

(93 Posts)
whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 12:32:46

My mum has my son one day a week while I temp. I can choose my day at this particular place so its usually pretty flexible. I was asked to go in on Thursday, Mum said no she would prefer Tuesday so I swapped. Monday night she said actually she would prefer Thursday so I swapped back.

Thursday morning comes and I waited for her to arrive at the time she said but she didn't come. I called her and turns out she is still asleep. So I just calmly asked her to hurry, put the phone down, ruminated on the possibility of going to her house (but I had already taken the car seat out of my car to put in hers so that would have taken me longer... etc) Anyway in that time she calls me back and said she cant come at all because she has lost her keys. Time was getting on now.

I spoke to my husband and he said by the time I get to her house I will have missed my train and it will be around 10 (I have a hour's commute) and basically with this job on this particular day I HAD to be there by 9 or there was no point going in (I would have been in the office on my own after that time with no training or instruction) so I may as well just not go. It turned out I was able to call in and get some work to do at home so not all bad on the work front.

Mum called back later in the day - Its ok! She found her keys! Great huh! And she's sorry but these things happen and I have to understand. There was no real sense of apology, no sense of urgency, no acknowledgment that I or my work had been inconvenienced and when I said she had cost me the days wage and potential chances of going back to this place she just said "Dont make me feel bad" and put the phone down. Now I do understand that these things happen, but honestly she has been saying this to me ever since I was small and I'm just fed up of being let down all the time. I spent the morning in tears at this. I just feel she didn't take any of it seriously and then got angry at me for being angry (which she always does, everything is someone else's fault. She even blamed my younger brother for 'taking' her keys which he didn't)

Am I in the wrong here? Am I being harsh by being upset? My work could just get another temp who turns up on time with no hassle....

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 18-Jan-13 12:35:41

Firstly, get yourself organised with a CM or a nursery.

Your mum is not taking this commitment seriously, sounds like she has no understanding of what keeping a job entails. I'd be upset too and I believe you have a right to feel that way. Take her out of the equation, a flexible job p/t job is one to keep so get some reliable child care in place.

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 12:38:16

My childcare would cost more than I earn in a day, but I have a close friend who can have him. I just wanted my mum to have him because she does say she enjoys it and I like my boy being with her. I think you are right though, someone reliable would be better for me, however sad it is for my Mum who would take it extremely personally that I'd got someone else.

HecateWhoopass Fri 18-Jan-13 12:39:18

I would just find alternative childcare. Then you don't need to rely on her.

Is there a possibility she doesn't actually want to be your childcare any more? And that's why she's messing about?

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 12:42:22

Well if she didn't want to be my childcare anymore I would hope she could just tell me in a timely manner before the moment I needed to leave for work.

That's the thing, if she had called me beforehand and said Listen I cant do it for xxx reason, then cool. But I was waiting at the door for her with my son in my arms pacing.

Pancakeflipper Fri 18-Jan-13 12:42:42

I would ensure I don't rely on her for anything then there will be less to be upset about as she then cannot let you down.

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 18-Jan-13 12:46:34

Well your Mum can't have it both ways. I'd say good if she got upset, means she understands the consequences of her actions.

I'd see if your friend can have him instead at least for a month. Then talk to your Mum again, see if she now understands what committing to look after him for a day a week actually means. If she says she does then if you really feel you want to give her one last chance.

I don't understand how your job can pay less than the cost of childcare though? It's quite expensive round here but a CM is £4.00 per hour and minimum wage is more than that.

HecateWhoopass Fri 18-Jan-13 12:47:19

x-post. See if your friend will help you then.

Whether you mum says she likes it or not - if you can't rely on her, you risk your job.

ENormaSnob Fri 18-Jan-13 12:48:39

Get some proper childcare in place.

Tough shit if mother dear doesn't like it. She's completely unreliable.

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 12:51:53

My childcare would cost more than I earn in a day

You're making the classic mistake of thinking that childcare costs come out of your wage only. They don't, they come out of the family income.

TWinklyLittleStar Fri 18-Jan-13 12:55:29

If she takes it personally, then tough shit for her because it is personal, based on her personal inability to be reliable and treat you and your job with respect.

NamingOfParts Fri 18-Jan-13 12:57:03

I understand the total frustration at the faffing around. It is just so inefficient.

Agree with other posters that you will need to get other childcare. It is sad that you cant rely on your DM but she sounds as though she just isnt up to the need to be reliable.

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 13:04:23

I commute to London zone 1 so that's why my wage is less than childcare which is at least £45 a day here. As I travel only one day I get no discount on my travel card. Plus I do not have work guaranteed every week so I may end up paying for a CM space I will not use.

She just made me feel like I was over-reacting when really I was just calm but very disappointed. I felt let down and undermined if that makes sense!

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:04:23

Just cannot believe what I am reading here.

First off, yes I agree with all the advice that you should put your childcare on a regular/professional footing and if that means leaving your mother out of the equation then so be it.

BUT......................

you are getting regular free childcare from her which you admit is a plus for your son as well, it is saving the household income money and YOU ARE DISSATISFIED BECAUSE HER GROVELLING ISN'T UP TO EXPECTATIONS WHEN SHE DROPS A BALL??????????

Newsflash: your mother is doing you a favour, and of course it is frsutrating when things go a bit haywire, but as you said yourself no real harm was done. I am way too old to be using this phrase, but ffs get over yourself. Your mother is entitled to consideration too, and my guess is that she is trying to wriggle out of this commitment favour but is scared you will go off on one if she lays it on the line. I know I would be!

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 13:05:27

It's not free, march. I give her money for petrol and his lunch and anything they do that day.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:07:05

Erm, that's free. You are only paying what you would have to spend yourself anyway.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Fri 18-Jan-13 13:07:49

It sounds like your mum is an Unreliable person. I'm guessing this is not the first time she has let you down? Or failed to say sorry?

I think it's time for you to accept your mum is not a good child care option for you and make a decision either to sort something formal or give up the job.

I think YANBU to be upset by your mum's actions but YABU if you think she will change, my guess is she won't. Sorry. Unfortunately, some people get helpful, dependable mums and some people get annoying, disappointing mums.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:09:09

And some mums get overwhelmingly entitled daughters and others get really nice daughters who understand that the world does not revolve around them.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:10:17

Just to add, my daughter has yet to reproduce, but my ddil would never dream of holding either me or her mother to account in this way!

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 13:10:58

So the OP is entitled because she changed her day of work to suit her mum and yet her mum was still asleep when she rang to check where she was?

OK then....

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 18-Jan-13 13:13:48

Well when I am old enough to (hopefully) have grandchildren, I will be delighted if I was asked to look after them once a week on a day at my convenience. I would understand that my DIL needs to earn a living and once you make a commitment to someone then you hold to that.

When a grandparent looks after a grandchild its not just a hard cash equation, my parents enjoy spending time with DS and they often prefer doing it when I'm not there so they can spoil him how they like.

I certainly don't think the OP expects the world to revolve around her, she just wants her mother to look after her child on the day she said she would at the time she needs to get into work or she loses her job.

March you are way off here.

The op has arranged everything to suit her Mum regarding her days of work including swapping it twice this week. Her Mum would be upset if she asked someone else to do it. Her Mum has LET HER DOWN RISKING HER JOB. And can't even be arsed to apologise properly.

If her Mum is finding it tomuch to look after her ds having said she would the normal adult way to short that is to talk about it not just fail to turn up.

There is no sense of entitlement of the op at all. Op, YANBU in the slightest to be pissed off.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:14:49

No the OP is entitled because things went tits up, as they sometimes do, shit happens etc etc (nothing to do with the original change of plan) and and it seems her main beef is not the inconvenience but that her mother was not suitably penitent...that;'s what the thread title says!

Ok then!

curiousuze Fri 18-Jan-13 13:16:47

So you'd be fine not turning up for your DIL so that she missed a day's work march? That's an ok thing to do because you're not being paid? What a sad way to look at the world.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:17:26

Well argued Yellow but that's not how I read it at all. It seems that the OP has real issues with her mother but is happy to make use of her, and seems to think her mother should be grateful that she does.

I don't think it's me that's way off, but there you go. All a bit of a storm in a teacup anyway.

MadBusLady Fri 18-Jan-13 13:20:43

So I assume this incident is part of a long history?

she just said "Dont make me feel bad" and put the phone down. Now I do understand that these things happen, but honestly she has been saying this to me ever since I was small and I'm just fed up of being let down all the time.

If that is what she says all the time whenever you challenge any aspect of her behaviour then yes, she is childish and unreasonable about legitimate complaints, and you shouldn't rely on her any more.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:21:09

Oh ffs the things you read into what I didn't say Curious

I absolutely would not be fine with that...and in fact I didn't get the impression that the OP's mother was 'fine' with it, quite the reverse, even from the OP's telling of it I picked up that her mother was quite upset

For me (once more with feeling and then I really must go) my beef is with the fact that the OP seems affronted that her mother was not apologetic enough!

EverybodysSnowyEyed Fri 18-Jan-13 13:22:20

Why does your mum come and pick him up? It would probably be better if you dropped him off at hers on the way to hers and picked up on the way back. That way it doesn't matter if she is still in pjs/can't go out that day

MadBusLady Fri 18-Jan-13 13:23:12

things went tits up, as they sometimes do, shit happens etc etc

What, like still being asleep at a time when you're supposed to be arriving at someone's house? Is this woman 15? I'd be fucking mortified if I did that to someone.

Paiviaso Fri 18-Jan-13 13:27:31

I don't think the OP is being entitled in expecting her mother to follow through on her word. Her mother let her down, risking her job - that is quite a serious. "Sorry but it happens, don't make me feel bad" isn't a real apology, and shows OP's mother doesn't take the situation seriously at all.

OP don't use her for childcare again, she shows little concern for being reliable!

EverybodysSnowyEyed Fri 18-Jan-13 13:28:03

Well you can either get angry and upset and jeopardise your free childcare

Or you can talk to your mum and come up with a strategy to deal with it going forward. You clearly know the limitations of the childcare you have so you and dh need to figure out how best to proceed.

Is this the first time she's done this?

ModernToss Fri 18-Jan-13 13:30:29

Your mother behaved badly. You need to have an honest conversation with her about whether she can actually take on this commitment in the future.

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 13:33:19

Thank you everyone who has said I am not BU for feeling upset or that I am not acting entitled. I hope I didn't come across that way because I am really grateful for the days she does have him and they have such a good time.

My mum doesn't usually come to pick him up, most times I drop him off but he had been really unwell, not sleeping and Mum is a heavy smoker so I asked if she could have him here that day given that he might sleep in and not be up in time to leave for her house. Turns out he was up! At 5am!

March, its not that my Mum wasn't apologetic enough. She wasn't apologetic at all. She was delighted she found her keys and the sorry was just a "well I am sorry but..."

boodles Fri 18-Jan-13 13:35:29

Your mother sounds exactly like mine and it is such a pain. If someone makes an arrangement then, I feel, that, other than in an emergency, they should stick to it or say they don't want to.

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 13:40:58

It is the first time shes done this particular thing with regard to the childcare. However not turning up, being asleep when she is meant to be somewhere, losing her keys and blaming it on someone else etc, they are all classic patterns of behaviour!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Fri 18-Jan-13 13:48:05

Well my relation who agreed to help changed their mind and went out shoe shopping instead and caused me to lose my job. So i sympathise.

MusicalEndorphins Fri 18-Jan-13 13:50:02

I can't believe she acted so glib after letting you down like that. I agree with you, she didn't apologuise. It is a shame you don't have someone else to watch your child...is it possible there is another parent in your area who would be willing to do childmind in exchange for you watching her child for a day?

ImperialBlether Fri 18-Jan-13 14:11:39

OP, have you thought of doing childminding yourself? You would earn more and could stay at home with your little boy.

Oh and I think your mum was VERY unreasonable. You have to be able to rely on people.

Snazzynewyear Fri 18-Jan-13 14:15:54

Do the arrangement with your friend instead. Or you will have to pay. As has been said, this is a joint expense so not right to look at it as wiping out your salary. Your mum is unlikely to change her habits now.

pingu2209 Fri 18-Jan-13 14:29:45

Your mum effectively works for you for free. She is a volunteer childminder.

Research shows that it is very difficult for most people to work for nothing/volunteer. The majority of people enter into free working but very quickly become resentful and those that do it for the longer time need to be quite strong mentally.

Perhaps your mum is getting fed up of working but doesn't want to admit it. Yes I think her attitude was wrong as she made a commitment to you. If she is fed up with it she should give you time to sort out another alternative.

However, I wouldn't be too harsh on her.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Fri 18-Jan-13 15:24:50

Snazzy. But even if you look at it as a joint expense it doesn't change the fact that as a couple they earn no more with the op working than if not.

Yfronts Fri 18-Jan-13 15:34:57

Well i think if she agreed to do it she should do it. It sounds like she has let you down a lot over the years. Best not use her for childcare I agree. Maybe things have run their course and she really doesn't have the stamina for looking after the kids anymore?

RuleBritannia Fri 18-Jan-13 15:44:21

OP, did your mother ever go out to work? My mother didn't and she had no conception of how reliable one had to be if one did work.

She would ask us (yes, us) if we could go to her house to wait for a parcel on a weekday because she was doing something else and didn't like it when we said that we couldn't because we had to go to work. She just couldn't understand it, treating going to work as if it were a hobby.

thesnootyfox Fri 18-Jan-13 18:40:34

Treating childcare as a joint expense is the sensible thing to do if one of you has lots of disposable income but if you are just making ends meet it doesn't make much difference. Our childcare expenses come out of my salary and after paying for childcare I am left with zilch. I could treat it as a joint expense and take 50% from Dh's salary but if I did that he wouldn't have enough to cover the mortgage and direct debits and I would have to contribute towards that instead so it doesn't really make any difference.

rainrainandmorerain Fri 18-Jan-13 19:54:49

March is in for one BIG shock if/when her daughter has kids....

I was wondering the same as RuleBritannia - if your mother understood what you working actually means. I have had a few problems with my mum not 'getting' the whole 'if I've said I need to be there at 9, I need to be there at 9' thing with work. She is liable to want to make and break arrangements at very short notice, and it just means I can't rely on her. Example - she said she would come and look after ds for 'a day' to help me work - she turned up 2 hours late because she'd decided to do some recreational shopping on the way, without telling me, and then left early as she wanted to beat the rush hour. So my 'day' of help turned out to be three hours. And she asked me to get her lunch while she was playing with ds. I was in tears after she left. I did tell her I would be in trouble if she left early, as I just hadn't been able to do nearly enough work - she rolled her eyes and told me to grow a backbone and and stop letting 'work' push me around.

She has never had a career or consistent jobs (worked a lot of part time casual jobs but never for long). She just doesn't get it.

I think if a grandparent can (willingly) look after a gc, then that's a lovely arrangement, which yes of course benefits the parents... but helps grandparent and grandchild build a relationship. But if it doesn't work, it is so stressful.

Of course emergencies happen - burst pipes, illness, traffic accidents - but oversleeping and then not being able to find your keys isn't an emergency, and it sounds like your mum will only 'help you out' entirely on her terms. Which just won't work when you need someone to commit to concrete arrangements.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 08:40:50

My relation who i mentioned earlier (that went to buy shoes and made me lose my job) also wanted me to stop work early as they couldn't be bothered to give my child a sandwich. So leaving me with only 3 hours i could actually be at work on my first day!

I would assume that she just didn't get it, apart from the fact that she has her own job with inflexible hours and that she babysits for another member of the family and is reliable for them sad

The only difference i can see is that i am self employed. I have found over the years that as a self employed person people often think that my days work can be compressed into half hour here and there if they need me to do other things such as fetch their shopping, pick up their parcels, give people lifts etc etc

IM WORKING!

diddl Sat 19-Jan-13 08:49:02

Was this the first time she was supposed to have him?

I´d have been pissed of at the day changing.

Why couldn´t your husband have taken him to your mum so that you could get the train?

What was your backup for if she was ever ill/on holiday?

diddl Sat 19-Jan-13 08:51:52

"It is the first time shes done this particular thing with regard to the childcare. However not turning up, being asleep when she is meant to be somewhere, losing her keys and blaming it on someone else etc, they are all classic patterns of behaviour! "

She sounds unreliable-I´d get someone else if possible.

onyx72 Sat 19-Jan-13 08:56:23

Sounds like your mum doesn't want to look after your DC any more and rather than come out and say so, she is putting you in a position where you have to 'let her go'.

onyx72 Sat 19-Jan-13 08:56:29

Sounds like your mum doesn't want to look after your DC any more and rather than come out and say so, she is putting you in a position where you have to 'let her go'.

onyx72 Sat 19-Jan-13 08:57:10

No idea why that was posted twice!

CabbageLeaves Sat 19-Jan-13 09:00:37

I'd have been upset OP. As a mum I'd never let my DD down in similar situation because of the consequence for her. If I'd did for whatever reason I'd be as upset as you were being in that position.

It is time for you to find more reliable childcare. My parents did childcare for me. Do I appreciate them? Without doubt yes. Do they value the time they spent with their grandchildren. Absolutely. Did money exchange hands? Yes it did in same way you describe.

I was soooooo grateful to them, but had it not worked out I'd have moved on to alternative care. They would have been devastated if I did that tbh.

This has hit a nerve with you. Not only has she put you in a very difficult position at work (fortunately overcome this time) but its reminded you of childhood disappointments

Don't be cross anymore. You can't change her but you can change your response. Find reliable child are and your mum will have to accept it.

Bigwuss Sat 19-Jan-13 09:07:05

I agree with the others that say either you sit down with your mum over a coffee and talk it through. It may be she doesn't understand the impact she is having. If you do this I would stick to only childminding timekeeping etc. or make other arrangements.
If it were me, I would be looking for other arrangements as you can't always change other people's long standing habits, only your response to them.
Some mums just aren't reliable and I think you'll not get any joy from trying to get her to change.

EggRules Sat 19-Jan-13 09:11:49

Although you say your mum will be upset if someone else looked after your son, it sounds to me like she doesn't want to have him whilst you are at work.

I would have been really upset, and you need to agree reliable childcare for your working day. See if your mum wants to spend time with your DS when you aren't working.

melika Sat 19-Jan-13 09:11:51

I think people are being really horrible about the mom here. Poster is getting free childcare and should really put up with the 'unreliability' unless she wants to pay a nursery £50 a day (or whatever it is).

If anything, poster is ungrateful.

I do love the free childcare posse. Remember OP they can do whatever they want because its FREE. What a crock of shit. If you make a commitment to help someone you help them.
OP your mum is obviously unreliable so I would definitely look into an alternative.

WinkyWinkola Sat 19-Jan-13 09:31:24

Hold on March. The op changed her work plans twice to suit her mother.

It's hardly entitled to expect someone to stick to an agreement and not let you down at the very last minute at all.

Op, ignore March. She's talking tripe.

You need to make alternative childcare as your mum is flaky. Could you help a friend one day a week with their child in exchange for taking your ds one day a week?

WinkyWinkola Sat 19-Jan-13 09:34:23

People are just saying the gm is unreliable. That's not horrible! She is unreliable and she let her daughter down when she'd agreed to help. If she's not happy to help then she should say so and yes, she should feel guilty about letting her dd down.

All this free childcare and be grateful bs IS bs because if the gos didn't want to do it then they simply shouldn't do it. But don't make it a rod to beat someone with.

melika Sat 19-Jan-13 09:36:45

Sounds like a lot of spoilt daughters here.

Uppermid Sat 19-Jan-13 09:44:38

Op your mother is completely unreliable, you need to get other. Childcare arrangements sorted. And yes it is tough. You may well end up workings for nothing for a while, but that's the deal when you have kids I'm afraid.

And to everyone else thinking the op is in the wrong here - really? Just because you are doing someone a favour, means you can do it on your terms? D you often get asked to help people out? Would you be happy to let them down? After all its for free isn't it so it doesn't matter.

Op ignore them.

WinkyWinkola Sat 19-Jan-13 09:46:41

Spoilt? Someone agrees to an arrangement, they let you down, you are cheeses off about it and THAT's being spoilt? hmm

Sounds like the mad anti dd/dil brigrade are out waving their pitchforks again. grin

diddl Sat 19-Jan-13 09:47:42

She´s not getting free childcare if her mum doesn´t do it though, is she?

She´s not getting anything-not even the chance to make another arrangement!

Isn´t the issue that the mum promised to do something-& then didn´t?

Does it matter that what was promised was childcare?

Uppermid Sat 19-Jan-13 09:50:00

Melika - are you reading the same thread?

so let me get this straight. The ops mum offered to look after her gc whilst the op worked. She dictated when she could do it, the op changed her days as requested (twice) and then she didn't bother turning up. This could have caused the op to lose her job, caused massive inconvenience, the ops mum can't see any problem, doesn't apologies. Yet the op is entitled?!

EggRules Sat 19-Jan-13 09:56:37

Working parents need to organise reliable childcare; what the OP describes isn't that. Childcare is a logistiocal problem - as in I need someone to look after my DS for my working day + commute.

My work is not undertsanding or flexible and if a temp changed days and then didn't turn up, they wouldn't be used again. I would 'get another temp who turns up on time with no hassle.' Last minute changing days, regularly losing keys, sleeping in are not an emergency. OP's childcare arrangements are jeopardising her employment.

I was back at work full time when DS(now 6) was 5 months old and have never had any help from gps with regard to free/paid childcare.

dayshiftdoris Sat 19-Jan-13 11:05:48

I must be entitled to as I was furious when I was let down in a similar way many years ago...

I was a midwife at the time, was threatened with disciplinary and a clinic had to be cancelled which affected 30 other people.

It so simple to say 'pay for childcare' but I was and was trying to cover christmas... every year for 6yrs I flew by the seat of my pants - often working christmas day as I could guarentee that they wouldnt just decide to leave as they did in previous years.

Her mother's an adult - as an adult when you offer to do soething then you take responsibility for it and in my book she is shirking her responsibilities in a manner that she probably wouldnt do to anyone else.

I will say this though OP... if you want to keep working longer term then you need to sort this out - you could pay for childcare but I think people have overlooked something major here...

Your husband

I am assuming he doesnt work 24/7 so why dont you work when he isn't? Its flexible enough to do at home with little notice so perhaps there is scope to work round your hubby

Other obvious solutions is you ALWAYS drop off - that way she cant oversleep and not have him or your hubby drops off / stays late at home to wait for your mum or you drop him to your friend if mum lets you down.

Whilst what your mum did is frustrating and shows lack of thought it will not change and as should you need to take responsibility for the childcare with this thought in mind....

She is not and never will be reliable childcare

melika Sat 19-Jan-13 11:08:29

What about ALL the other times she has been reliable. What is she? An underclass untouchable, no, she is her mother who probably doesn't always feel upto it.

melika Sat 19-Jan-13 11:10:49

NB, I don't suppose any of you have ever called in sick?

Schnarkle Sat 19-Jan-13 11:11:27

I spoke to my husband and he said by the time I get to her house I will have missed my train and it will be around 10 (I have a hour's commute) and basically with this job on this particular day I HAD to be there by 9 or there was no point going in (I would have been in the office on my own after that time with no training or instruction) so I may as well just not go. It turned out I was able to call in and get some work to do at home so not all bad on the work front.

So what part does your husband take in organising childcare? He was very useful in pointing out what you had to do and granny is getting a lot of blame here too. Or does he sit away from it all nice and safely and let you deal and pay for it?

FeckOffCup Sat 19-Jan-13 11:19:27

If the OP's mum had been sick then that would be unavoidable and OP WBU to be pissed off with her.

As it stands I think OP is NBU to be pissed off, her mother said she would take DS on a specified day and then went back on it for no good reason. I would try to come to a mutual childcare swap with your friend instead OP.

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 11:28:26

This is not about the fact that her mum let her down with childcare - that's incidental.
This is about the fact that her mum has a history of dismissing her daughter's feelings and opinions as trivial, and of no consequence. As though the OP were at fault for daring to feel let down!

My mum was the same. If she did something to upset or annoy me, she simply would not own it. The problem would be that I was overreacting and volatile and being unfair to her and making a fuss over nothing.

I'm a level headed person with a good sense of perspective actually. She just simply would not be found to be at fault. Ever.

It was not a good personality trait of hers. At all.

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 11:33:09

Melika - you are wrong.

WinkyWinkola Sat 19-Jan-13 11:35:45

Melika, your points are illogical and irrelevant.

MadBusLady Sat 19-Jan-13 11:39:24

She didn't call in sick, she overslept, lost her keys (which she randomly blamed on the OP's brother) and didn't seem to think any of this was at all important or out of the ordinary, and told off the OP for minding about it. If she'd been sick, or said in advance "Sorry I don't think I'm up to it" that would be totally different. It would even be different if she'd accidentally overslept, lost her keys, and been totally mortified and apologetic about the whole catalogue of errors. But she didn't and wasn't.

I just cannot believe it is at all controversial that this is not a good way to behave.

edam Sat 19-Jan-13 11:41:21

Your Mum is a cow who clearly has no idea of the impact of her actions, or more likely doesn't care. You have learnt a valuable lesson - that you cannot rely on her.

Do feel your dh should have stepped in as it was an emergency - not a long-term solution but if childcare let us down, dh and I would share the burden.

But now you know your Mum doesn't care about letting you down with no notice, you need to sort something else out. If you can't afford a CM or a nursery, you either need to find a lovely, lovely friend who will look after your child for less than CM or nursery regularly or rearrange with dh - stay at home or work flexibly between you, or find some local work.

EggRules Sat 19-Jan-13 11:42:49

Melika shock Where do you work? How do you sort your childcare out?

OP works one day per week - are you suggesting that the OP calls in sick because the person that has agreed to help with childcare can't be arsed at the last minute? OP is a temp, her employers can simply find someone else?

Anniegetyourgun Sat 19-Jan-13 11:47:17

I think posters saying YABU may have missed the bit that mother looks after DS because she said she wanted to and would get upset if the OP made other arrangements.

Unfortunately, she's just going to have to get upset. (And then there'll be a chorus of "you prefer to pay someone to look after your son when his GM would love to spend the time with him, what kind of monster are you!".)

EggRules Sat 19-Jan-13 11:48:05

Actually Edam and others are right. whatwhatinthewhatnow why didn't you DH step in on thet day? What sort of practical help does he provide in childcare arrangements for his son?

MadBusLady Sat 19-Jan-13 11:48:28

My mum was the same. If she did something to upset or annoy me, she simply would not own it. The problem would be that I was overreacting and volatile and being unfair to her and making a fuss over nothing.

Oh GOD yes. Apparently my mum sometimes feels she has to "walk on eggshells" around me. Funny how the rest of the world thinks I'm exceptionally easy-going and reasonable. hmm

Viviennemary Sat 19-Jan-13 11:54:47

Well you are right to be annoyed that your Mum let you down when you were relying on her. But she is doing you a favour by taking care of your DC when it would cost you a lot for a nursery or childminder. But she shouldn't have said she would do it in the first place. Do you think she is being unreliable because she would rather not do it.

diddl Sat 19-Jan-13 11:56:36

I think a reason some are missing the point (self included) is that OPs mum sounds so flakey I´m thinking-why in God´s name would you rely on her-just to appease her when cc is just too important??

Can´t imagine how awful it must be to have a mother who let´s you down over something important at the last minute & seemingly without a care.

Perhaps she has never learnt as there have never been consequences?

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 12:02:49

madbuslady - YES!! Ditto!!

The rest of the world think of me as being chilled out and easy going. My mother is the only person who has ever desribed me as volatile.
She used to say 'you're so touchy...going off at the deep end at nothing'

Nope. Not true. She just would not accept that she had done something to annoy me. It had to be me at fault. Because I'm so 'touchy'.

Fuck off mum.

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 12:17:21

For example...she doted on my ds1, which was all great and lovely.

If he wanted another biscuit and I said no, she'd hold her arms out with a big awwwww, cuddle him, then give him one. If I dared to show displeasure at her undermining me, in even the mildest form, it would be 'oh here we go...going off the deep end as usual....you're so volatile!'
If I persued it, perhaps by teling her the decision was mine to make, she would cry and tell me I was horrible and had anger problems. hmm

My mum died seven years ago, and I miss her every day - we were close - but I do not miss that element of our relationship. She was, in her own way, controlling and dismissive of my validity as an adult.
If she were alive today, I'd be having none of it.

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 12:23:30

My point being...I was never allowed to express any upset or displeasure with her, even if it was justified and expressed calmly.
I was to accept that my feelings were of no consequence, and that she knew better.

The OP's mum has done the same in a roundabout way. She let her daughter down, but sees no need to admit fault, leaving the op feeling frustrated and full of redundant ire. To push for an apology will create upset and dischord, so the OP is pretty much forced to swallow being majorly inconvenienced for the sake of keeping the peace.

My mother was a master at that.

Peevish Sat 19-Jan-13 13:00:56

YANBU, OP. Like pictish and MadBus, I have a not-dissimilar mother, who can't 'own' her own failings, and turns it into me 'twisting things again' and 'seeing the bad side of everyone'. (Having said that, I doubt she'd land me in the position the OP's mother put her in.)

OP, might part of the problem be that your mother thinks that if you are prepared to be as flexible as you are when she changed her mind about the days twice, that it somehow doesn't matter whether you actually go to work at all? Ie. if they can do without you on Monday and Tuesday, they can somehow do without you at short notice on Thursday too?

My parents, who both had clock-in-clock out 9 to five jobs, both had massive difficulty grasping the fact that while my job was ferociously demanding, which sixty hours a week was very negotiable.

MadBusLady Sat 19-Jan-13 13:22:06

I wonder if it's some kind of partial hangover from our teenage years. While in some ways I was a model teen (in the sense of no drugs no pregnancies no flunked exams!) I'm sure I was also bloody unreasonable and selfish at times. Perhaps they get it into their heads that if there is a conflict consisting of subjective feelings they MUST be right because daughter's feelings are "always" unreasonable.

Or it could be an insecurity thing, where they think you being annoyed with them for five minutes means you'll hate them forever, therefore they can't admit they're in the wrong. Sometimes in the past my mum has been unreasonable and graciously apologised, and five minutes later of course I've forgotten all about it.

It's only when she tries to step in to my life in some way we have this conflict by the way; she wouldn't ever be flakey like this.

Sorry to use your thread as therapy OP. grin

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 13:31:22

Yes...my mum would say I was 'twisting things' and 'looking for things to be upset about'.

What rubbish. If anything the opposite is true. I can't bear needless aggro!

I think that you have hit the nail on the head madbuslady. I don't think my mum ever allowed me to mature beyond 14 in her head. I don't think she wanted to. If I was an unreasonable child, then she couldn't be held to account...which suited her no end.

pictish Sat 19-Jan-13 13:35:38

Sorry OP - I've gone off on a slight tangent, thrown up by your own situation.

I just always remember the occasions I was rightfully annoyed by my mum's obstinance, yet was never permitted a voice.

I can honestly say that I never ever in the whole of my life, knew my mother to back down or apologise to anyone, even when she needed to.

She was always right, and whoever else was involved (particularly me, because I loved her and was malleable) was wrong.

CabbageLeaves Sat 19-Jan-13 14:01:42

Still off tangent... I think that all parents have to 'let go' and recognise their offspring as adults. Some still treat them like a small naughty child they can boss around and lack any respect for them. They don't change their relationship to acknowledge the adult status of their once was child. It's that which causes relationship difficulties.

If OP was describing
-a childminder who did this - unreasonable...sack them
-a friend .... unhelpful and unthoughtful... don't use her
-but a mum who is supposed to love and support you? It's beyond thoughtless

HelenLynn Sat 19-Jan-13 14:43:52

If someone (family or otherwise) asks you for a favour (looking after their child or something else) so that they can do something important (such as going to work), you have two options:

1) Say no.
2) Say yes, and follow through if reasonably possible, in recognition of the fact that once you've said yes you've effectively removed their opportunity to make alternative arrangements.

It's not ungrateful to be annoyed with someone who commits to something and then opts out at the last minute. It's not the same as not appreciating their willingness to do it in the first place, or on previous or future occasions. Someone fairly recently asked me to do them a favour, and I said yes, but it turned out not to be feasible and I ended up letting them down. I was in the wrong - I should have predicted I wasn't going to be able to do it, and said no in the first place - and the other person would definitely be entirely reasonable to be annoyed with me!

whatwhatinthewhatnow Sat 19-Jan-13 15:24:43

Update : She called me last night at 11pm to talk about something else, and when the convo came round to it she said was work ok? I said well yeah this time. She said perhaps you can do 2 days next week. I said perhaps they may not have me back at all, we will just have to see.

She said it couldnt be helped, to which I said it could have been. She could have been up on time and not lost her keys.

THEN (I cant believe this part) she said it was MY fault she didnt wake up because I didn't drop the car seat off the night before. I fail to see how this is related at ALL. I then ended the conversation because she was wailing 'Oh Im soooooo terrible, Im sooooooo bad'

Thanks all for the support. I think I will just never bring this up with her again and seek my very lovely and reliable friends help. We will probably do the swap thing so I will have her DC's too, which will be lovely.

MadBusLady Sat 19-Jan-13 15:50:07

Good plan.

It's all very all-or-nothing isn't it - toddlerlike almost, seeking reassurance from you that she's not a TERRIBLE person two minutes after unfairly blaming you for something. I guess it must reflect massive insecurities.

whatwhatinthewhatnow Sat 19-Jan-13 15:51:05

Pictish and Madbuslady, what you have said rings so true for me. Both of you have said things I will think hard on, and if you or anyone else wants to use this thread as therapy, go right on ahead! We should all be there for each other where perhaps our mothers were not.

rainrainandmorerain Sat 19-Jan-13 16:19:56

I couldn't help laughing at your mum's response, whatwhat - not to make light of your problems with her, sorry, but just because of the HUGE swing from 'I take no responsibility for what I did' to 'I'm soooo terrible....' etc. I hope you didn't choke on the whiff of burning martyr!

There is a lot of mum stuff I recognise on this thread here, too.

And a few plain wrongheaded comments from those who clearly think that if you agree to do a thing voluntarily (even one which benefits you too, like getting to spend time with a loved child) then you can vary the arrangements/cancel/do what the hell you feel like on the day, and the other party just has to lump it - to the extent of not being allowed to care if they lose money, or even their job. What extraordinary, selfish, entitled behaviour!

Be warned - when I turned down the offer of childcare help from my mother (as nicely and sensitively as I could) precisely because I had learned that I just couldn't rely on it taking place as agreed, and I NEEDED to be able to plan so i could work....then her reaction was to accuse me of being precious and melodramatic. Hey ho. This was after I had asked her to tell me what would work FOR HER - what day was easiest, what hours she was happy to do etc. (I am self employed, so have some flexibility, and could work round her to some degree, as long as it was agreed in advance!). She just wouldn't come up with any answers that helped. She had some things of her own that she wanted to work round - fine, that was why I was asking - but then if we agreed a day that was 'good' for her to come and look after ds, she would throw in something like 'oh but if the weather is nice then I will want to take the dogs down the beach so probably wouldn't get there til after lunch.'

It's either just not understanding/believing that my work is important (she knows I am the main breadwinner btw) - or it's a control thing, whether or not she is aware of it.

Anyway - whatever is is, not something I can fix.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now