To feel upset at schoolgate comments?

(108 Posts)
1979Liz Thu 17-Jan-13 23:37:38

I am feeling rather devastated by a comment made about my son by a grandparent at the schoolgate this week. I had just picked him up (he is in Reception), and as I called my son by his name, the grandfather, who was stood right next to me turned to his grandson and said rather loudly "Oh, (my son'a name), isn't he the naughty one?". He then looked directly at me. My face showed my shock, but I didn't respond I just smiled at him and walked away feeling utterly crushed.

Now I can't say my son is an angel. He has found it difficult to adapt to a more structured environment. He is bright and gets bored easily and can have a tendancy to get distracted and distract others. He is not aggressive and has never hurt another child in school ( though had a tooth knocked out in Dec when another child headbutted him in the face!), but I have been asked for a word twice this term as he has ignored his teacher and then because he emptied the sand tray with a friend all over the outdoor play area. These are the first issues I have been made aware of but obviously they may have made me a little sensitive over his behaviour.

I am really shocked that someone could be so unkind. I could have cried. I am now so concerned that my son has been labelled and that the parents could be telling their children that my son is naughty.

Do I need to get thicker skinned about this sort of thing or am I right to be upset and concerned?

cricketballs Thu 17-Jan-13 23:42:26

"parents could be telling their children that my son is naughty" surely its the children telling the parents that he is naughty hmm

ResolutelyCheeky Thu 17-Jan-13 23:42:56

Er yes, it will be the children telling the parents he is naughty...not the other way around.

ResolutelyCheeky Thu 17-Jan-13 23:43:33

Sorry cricket for the cross post

andtheycalleditbunnylove Thu 17-Jan-13 23:43:45

your child is naughty. he's a child.
the grandad is rude. he's an adult.
i like your child better of the two.

Musomathsci Thu 17-Jan-13 23:44:20

I think you've answered your own question, really... silly old man, ignore, ignore, ignore!

Kids label each other, it happens, and ignorant adults will join in. Next week someone else will kick the teacher or glue their friend to the climbing frame and they will be the new "naughty one". There's always one...

1979Liz Thu 17-Jan-13 23:47:43

Yes you are right, I have worded that badly. They are probably going home and telling their parents he has bahaved badly in school. My worry is that the parents are then reinforcing a label.

VirtuallyHere Thu 17-Jan-13 23:49:45

Probably thicker skinned, ignore and just carry on working on your sons behaviour. My DS is 5 and they all talk about the 'naughty' boy in the class so the parents will know anyway. I do agree it seems rude how this man said it to you. But parents are generally sympathetic if they know you are dealing with it.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 23:52:09

And this made you want to cry Op?
Yes, it comes from the kids when he was naughty, Grandad obviously didn't think how sensitive you are.

SilveryMoon Thu 17-Jan-13 23:56:29

Oh, I'm sorry you had to hear that. Imagine it's quite crushing.
Try to ignore it.
All children display undesirable behaviour at times and have triggers other children don't see or understand (adults as well a lot of the time don't connect the 2) so could go home describing something but not the reasons.
A boy in my Ds's class (according to my ds) uses some very choice language. I once told ds that x was naughty but then thought about it and doubt the boy in question has any idea of the anti socialness of his words.
Chances are your son is no different from any other child but the other boy just remembers what your ds has done and talks about it.
I try to ignore anyone with their judgy pants on.

Joiningthegang Fri 18-Jan-13 00:17:27

My son is 5 and says who is "naugty" and who is wee behaved in class. Your sOn may not be really well behaved (but not badly enough to concern you). Rule abiding 5 yr olds only too happy to let you know how "good" they are conpared to others.
The grandad was rude and thoughtless but there is no need for you to feel "crushed".

Joiningthegang Fri 18-Jan-13 00:18:08

Sorry for typos - it's late and am on phone

You could stand near again tomorrow and when he calls his grandson, Of thats ..... he's the one with the rude grandfather.
Ignore him.

Catchingmockingbirds Fri 18-Jan-13 00:25:52

I was pretty upset when I overheard my DS being talked about and referred to as the naughty one. We were having a lot of issues with him (undiagnosed ASD at the time) but it still really hurt to hear it. Yanbu to feel upset, but the grandparent was very rude, he should have never said what he did, especially the way he did so you would hear.

trofeewife Fri 18-Jan-13 00:29:32

The parents/grandparents clearly encourage tale telling. Ignore them. Their life must be very boring if they have to fill it by gossiping about 5 year olds!

dayshiftdoris Fri 18-Jan-13 00:39:21

I am another catchingmockingbirds (Child with ASD who was undiagnosed until 6 and behaviour issues)

Some people seem to work by the motto of 'All is fair in love and education...'
Normal, polite behaviour goes out of the window and everything else is fair game. It is hurtful and crushing and my only advice is to rise above it and not stoop to their level...

Even if this grandson burns the school kitchen down... just smile whilst silently going 'Nerr, nerrr, your kid is worse than mine' grin

Yfronts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:53:07

The kids are probably telling lots of different stories about lots of different different children in their class. I wouldn't take any notice if I were you. My kids tell me all sorts and I have vivid picture of what the kids are like as a result. I expect some bits of info are exaggerated or forgotten though.

If you are really concerned about your child's behavior, talk to the teacher.

Backtobedlam Fri 18-Jan-13 05:52:11

Just ignore it, my reception child is always telling me x did this, or y did that (only about 50% of which i guess is true). He of course is perfect, and has never even been told off, which unless he has a personality transplant every morning when he walks through the school gates, I know to be untrue. Your dc may be the naughty one this week, next week they'll be best friends!

FellatioNels0n Fri 18-Jan-13 06:09:54

The grandfather was very rude, yes. But to be honest if your son is the naughty one of the class then you are going to need to toughen up a bit and learn to laugh it off, otherwise you are going to be feeling like this a lot. All parents get told who the naughty ones are by their children, and they all like to judge a little bit while being relieved and delighted that it's not their child.

The best thing would be to stop making excuses for him Saying 'he's bright and he gets bored' just make people roll their eyes all the more, I'm afraid. Other children/parents don't really care much what the reason is, they only care that their child might somehow be suffering because of it.

If it happens again just say 'Yep! That's my boy! Every class has one, and my son is it!'

Allaquandry Fri 18-Jan-13 06:30:16

What fellatio said.

I wouldn't ignore and I wouldn't make excuses. I'd be doing everything I could to address it and check if there are underlying problems.

IME at school gate, the ones labelled by the kids as the naughty ones have without fail been genuinely poorly behaved and in a couple of cases behaviour has led to dx, haven't yet seen it spontaneously revert into good behaviour without intervention by parents.

Making excuses for the behaviour will only alienate you from other parents. Those i know who have openly acknowledged and tried to address problems have been fully supported by sympathetic parents (who are always relieved its to their kid), even if their kids stay badly behaved.

You are right, however, to consider the grandfather to be an absolute arse.

chutneypig Fri 18-Jan-13 06:40:10

Smiling and walking away was the best response to that type of unnecessary comment, IMO. I also like Fellatio 's response.

In my experience the type of behaviour the teacher has spoken to you about is very common at that age. My son has been described as distracting and distractable by his teachers but is gradually getting better at that, he's in Yr 1 now, mixed R/Yr1 class. I have no need to hear playground comments because his twin sister is only too eager to give me a detailed breakdown on his trangressions each day grin. And she hasn't for a while, so I guess it's all progressing. So from that side I think time will smooth things. We've had children in he class both of mine were telling me were the naughty one, aside from DS who always features heavily in DDs accounts, but haven't heard their names mentioned for months now, so I wouldn't fear too greatly that its a long term label.

I wouldn't have been impressed but think you handled it well, so I'd try and concentrate on that and not worry too much.

Backtobedlam Fri 18-Jan-13 06:41:57

Obviously I didn't mean ignore your child's behaviour if you are contacted by school about incidents. I meant ignore this grandfather and his judging. If there are issues you need to deal with that is between you and the school, not playground gossips who probably only have half truths.

Branleuse Fri 18-Jan-13 06:51:32

Very sorry that a rude old grandad has upset you. Bit of a rude thing to say.
My daughter (also in reception) pointed out one of her friends to me recently - "thats Rhys - he makes the WRONG CHOICES, but now he is doing the right choices sometimes".
Which I think is a nicer more caring way of saying it, but the children are still all aware. They cant not be. I have a soft spot for little Rhys and his wrong choices smile

coraltoes Fri 18-Jan-13 07:00:03

I'd be concerned about what the children are telling their parents, not the other way around. It can be a real pain being in a class with a disruptive classmate, they won't understand any underlying issues, SEN, or whatever, and will just view it as naughty. They are kids. The old man should have known better.

I love the Wrong choices comment, so so delicately put!!

EmmaBemma Fri 18-Jan-13 07:01:28

There's a kid like that in my daughter's class - he always seems to be in trouble, according to her. I've got a soft spot for him too, like Branleuse! I can understand your concerns about labelling

Growlithe Fri 18-Jan-13 07:04:56

Oh well, I know I'll get flamed for this but here goes.

Some grandparents have a lovely little relationship with their grandchildren which makes them kind of a grown up friend who can listen to the child, and be completely on their side without having to be PC about it.

It reminds me a bit of my very dear FIL who sadly passed away last year. A couple of years ago my DD didn't like one of the TAs in her class. She was a nasty sarcastic woman, and I'm not saying that just because DD didn't like her. I had to be very diplomatic about it, but when this woman put herself in the stocks at the summer fair, DFIL made sure he got her good and wet and had a giggle with DD about it afterwards, like an overgrown schoolboy. DD had a good friend and confidant in him.

Maybe this grandad was similar. Maybe his DGS has told him about an incident or two, and he's on his side rather than yours. Or maybe he is just a rude old man.

KhallDrogo Fri 18-Jan-13 07:07:20

Yes, the grandfather was rude

But totally agree that you shouldn't make excuses about him being naughty because he 'is bright and gets bored'

It suggests that all the well behaved kids are like that because they are not so bright!

Work on his behaviour, don't make excuses

Girlinpearls Fri 18-Jan-13 07:08:14

Just remember that it is possible to 'rein in' a spirited child but much more difficult to get a personality out of a flat child. Which sort of child would you rather have?

Branleuse Fri 18-Jan-13 07:12:34

I love that girlinpearls :D

EmmaBemma Fri 18-Jan-13 07:18:34

what on earth is a "flat child"?!

ChristmasJubilee Fri 18-Jan-13 07:20:08

Ds3 (6) keeps me well informed of the behaviour of all the children in his class. I know every child with a yellow or red card each week (and it's usually the same ones). Ds3, of course, has never had one in his entire school career.

Ds1 never mentioned these things as he was always the one with the red card or "on the black cloud" as they used to call it. I'm sure all the other parents new that he was the naughty one.

The Grandfather was rude but, I wonder if there may be more to it. Could there have been any sort of incident between his grandchild and your son? The "naughtiest" boy in ds3's class has form for pushing and hitting other children. He pushed ds so hard that he fell over backwards hitting his head on the ground. The school didn't name the culprit but ds did. I think you should speak to his teacher, tell her what happened and see if he is beginning to settle down or if they have any other concerns.

ChristmasJubilee Fri 18-Jan-13 07:22:36

Oh, and both ds1 and ds3 are "bright and get bored easily". So that's not an excuse.

seeker Fri 18-Jan-13 07:27:45

Hmm. Is it possible that his grandchild had fallen foul of yours and he as grabbing thenopportunity to make sure you knew? Because it does sound a bit as if your child might be quite a difficult class mate to be honest.

And do be really careful about the "he's bright so he gets bored easily" mindset. How about "he's bright so he can understand about appropriate behaviour better than some of the others"?

EugenesAxe Fri 18-Jan-13 07:36:27

I agree with Fellatio too, really. I don't think 'bright & bored easily' helps you much... unless you were talking about a two year old or something. I know enough bright (and in my friend's DD's case, exceptionally bright) children that by three years have a) learned to deal with boredom to a degree and b) known the difference between right and wrong.

Also agree that the grandfather is a prat; he should know better, despite being of the 'nothing a good hiding wouldn't cure' generation.

bigbuttons Fri 18-Jan-13 07:39:33

My kids are bright and easily bored, they are not naughty. What sort of crap reasoning is that? You need to get a handle on you ds's behaviour. All this woo woo stuff about free bloody spirits. Be a free spirit if it doesn't impinge on any one else.

Kids are labeled naughty if they are naughty. Not nice for you to hear, but shouldn't be a total surprise since you have already been called in twice. I suggest you do something about your son's negative behaviour and hopefully he won't be seen as the naughty one in the long term.

When you see him again, look him in the eye and say "I imagine you were quite the playground bully in your day". If he comes back with a comment about your son, say, "yes, I am aware of the situation and am addressing it. I certainly hope by the time he reaches your age he'll have got the hang of it"

KhallDrogo Fri 18-Jan-13 07:42:19

He might have meant it in an endearing way. My dad loves the 'naughty' kids amongst my dcs friends! They are much more fun! smile

1979Liz Fri 18-Jan-13 07:44:13

Thanks for all you responses, helping to get situation into perspective.

We are most definitely concerned with and dealing with the behaviour, asking for daily feedback from his teachers. He has had a few days of exceptional behaviour since the incidents.

I am going to have to toughen up. It is just a shock to find ourselves so suddenly in this position after such a positive parents consultation and no negative feedback last term.

Didn't wish to offend wiyh the 'excuse' for his behaviour. This was the feedback given by the teachers and most definitely not something I have shared with other Mums.

Thanks for all your views!

CloudsAndTrees Fri 18-Jan-13 07:52:02

Children themselves give labels to other children vey quickly ime, especially when it comes to 'the naughty one'. It's because they are right there to see and hear what goes on, all the tellings off etc, and they draw their own conclusions because they are only four and five and discipline is usually a fairly big feature in their lives.

The man was rude, but I very much doubt it was intended that you hear the comment and get upset.

This doesn't mean you are going to have problems at school forever, your ds is still very small. I'd go with the thicker skin development, and stay off the 'bright so gets bored' comments when talking to other parents.

Tailtwister Fri 18-Jan-13 07:58:26

YANBU to feel upset OP, that man was very rude. It never ceases to amaze me how readily other parents criticise and label other people's children who they hardly know. We've never been on the receiving end (so far!), but I had to walk away from a couple of parents who were talking nastily about a child in DS's class recently.

He's only in reception and of course there will be blips in behaviour here and there. That is for his teacher and his parents to address, not for other parents to comment on.

ShowOfHands Fri 18-Jan-13 07:58:33

Oh there are so many issues here. It's a common mistake to excuse incorrect choices in your own child as 'spirited' or 'bright but bored'. Truly bright children are ime quite self motivating and if a child is bored in reception then there's something wrong at school (I accept that occasionally this is the case) and if you genuinely believe that then you've got quite a battle on your hands and not with a potentially rude grandad in the playground. They are flat out busy/engaged/playing all the time. If you are prone to excusing the behaviour as coming from a good place and somehow blaming the school (they aren't challenging him, he's bored, easily distracted), then you're more likely to see people forming an opinion about your son's behaviour than if you challenge it for what it is. Bad behaviour is rarely about being bright (all children are bright actually in some way or another, they're really quite astonishing) and in reception more to do with just finding their way. Your job is to help him with this alongside the teachers, not excuse him.

There is a child in dd's class who could probably be called 'the naughty one', in that the rest of the class I'm afraid do come home with tales of 'x did y to z' where x is always the same boy. And the methods of managing his behaviour are very visible to them. His name is on the board or he's excluded from certain privileges. Children will talk about this, loudly and without thought. His Mum's main concern is helping her ds and she does worry a lot about how her ds is perceived but she is working hard and going about it in the right way. She is the first to come over to you and talk if there's an issue. She doesn't excuse her son. He isn't bright or bored or spirited. He's making the wrong choices and she is frank about this and clear about trying to change it and make amends. Nobody but nobody judges her or her ds and in fact, people are trying flipping hard to include her ds positively and encourage friendships with him so that he doesn't become isolated or labeled. I very much admire her. On the other hand there is a little girl in dd's class who has the potential to be a bit manipulative and unkind on occasion. Her Mum will not have it. Her dd is bright, bored, misunderstood, blamed, picked on etc. Her dd is never made to apologise, never confronted about her behaviour. And I'm talking about clear wrong choices where she's kicked another child in the shin at a party because she didn't win pass the parcel. Her mother's resolution to this was to ask the child who had won if she would share the prize with her dd 'like a good girl'.

It's really hard to hear somebody say negative things about your dc and who knows where it came from. I agree that it could be conspiratorial (my Dad is the same with dd, he's her biggest ally in a very big and brilliant way), it could be ill thought out, it could be sour grapes over an incident you're not aware of. DD was quite badly hurt (bleeding eye, looked bad) by the school 'naughty boy' and I was diplomatic. Her grandparents reacted by fighting the urge to tell her to 'hit him back'. All they saw was their grandaughter bruised and bloody and they wanted to stick up for her and there was some instinct in them to do this by denigrating the child at fault. Thankfully, they know I don't condone this but I can see why they react that way.

I am sorry you were upset. It is tough seeing your child out there in the big world, making mistakes, finding their way and sometimes getting it wrong. It's likely that tomorrow it will be another child or another issue. That's they way with primary school. All you can do is try and guide your dc to make better choices.

And 'flat' child? <snort> Oh yes little Johnny only tortures the other children because he's so much more interesting than they are.

Samnella Fri 18-Jan-13 07:59:14


My DC tell me who the children tell me who the naughty ones are but Luke most adult I take it with a pinch if salt. There are many adults who believe everything their children say and get too involved in their friendships. Normally the same ones who can also never see when their children are doing wrong. This old man is just one of those people. Ignore.

Molepom Fri 18-Jan-13 08:12:28

Ignore the kids and ignore the parents is my advice.

If something has happened the teacher will tell you, and it nearly always delt with by the school before the day is out anyway.

Branleuse Fri 18-Jan-13 08:25:04

its a reception kid ffs. what is he? 4? Its a baby. Loads of them are still learning how to sit down and listen especially little boys.

Hullygully Fri 18-Jan-13 08:36:43

<waves to showy>

I spent a few years in classrooms with reception and up children, and it seemed to me that the "naughty" ones, not the spiteful/bullying ones who were a whole other case <glares at their parents>, were simply not ready for school, they didn't want to sit on the mat, or pursue a specific activity, or sing nicely, or do PE and they didn't "get" why they had to or what the point was, but of course also lacked the maturity and articulateness to say so.They were just not engaged with the process.

But there are thirty kids in each class, one teacher and if you're lucky one TA, so they do all have to fit the mould and co-operate.

Have you talked about it with him, rather than just saying, be "good" (very abstract), or do what the teacher says? What about, In school you have to do this this and this, I know sometimes it's a bit boring, but hey that's life. After school we'll go to the playground etc. Some kids like honesty that reflects their real experiences.

And I agree, don't tell people he's bright and bored!

WhereAreMyWellies Fri 18-Jan-13 09:35:31

Why is it that so many parents use 'he's bright and he gets bored?' as an excuse for bad behaviour? It's yawnsome.

A truly bright child is mature beyond their years and generally well behaved

Growlithe Fri 18-Jan-13 09:37:26

I would worry about the school/teacher if a child is showing signs of being bored in Reception. Reception IME has been full of fun, stimulation and exciting play for my DCs.

I agree with what you are saying Hully but I would possibly not say to the child 'I know it's sometimes boring' but rather 'If you're not being silly on the carpet you can join all your friends having loads of fun with the teacher'.

WorraLiberty Fri 18-Jan-13 09:46:41

I'm laughing at whoever called the grandad a silly 'old' man grin

Some of the reception grandparents at my DS's school are only just turning 40.

OP, It can't have been nice to hear but I really wouldn't get stressed about it. They're 4 and 5yrs old...they're all naughty at times and it's not necessarily any reflection on how they'll behave for the rest of their school years.

Just keep a handle on it, don't make excuses and work closely with the school.

Which is what every parent should be doing anyway.

And remember your child won't be the only 'naughty' child in the class. My kids used to come home with daily reports about a different child every day.

Never themselves for some reason wink

CloudsAndTrees Fri 18-Jan-13 09:51:24

I agree Welly. In my experience of reception children, the brightest ones are not at all disruptive.

That's not to say that ones that are disruptive are not bright, I'm sure they can be, but being bright is not a reason or an explanation for bad behaviour.

I find it hard to believe that a school would use the 'bright so gets bored' to explain a disruptive pupil. It's basically admitting that their class room and teaching isn't stimulating enough and therefore they are doing very badly at their job.

Growlithe Fri 18-Jan-13 09:58:07

Worra I have to believe that Grandad is an old man because I am 44 and have a DC in reception and if all the grandads are the same age as me that would make me a weird nan mum and I'm not having that. grin

BarredfromhavingStella Fri 18-Jan-13 09:58:44

Just ignore & don't worry about the label-DD keeps telling me about 'naughty James' at nursery & I just say I'm sure he isn't naughty all the time & explaining that sometimes a lot of the time she is naughty also & that actually she should just call him James grin
An adult that doesn't correct labeling is a bit of a moron really.

fixarupa Fri 18-Jan-13 09:59:34

It never fails to shock me just how unbelievably rude some people can be. Children are children and some may be naughty at times, but this is nothing new. (I am sure it was the case in this older man's day too)

My daughter is in reception. There are a few boys that she has labelled as 'naughty' and i have corrected her straight away and explained that most kids are naughty sometimes (even her). I also point out that these kids must also be very sweet at times as well just like her.

Just ignore it and be grateful that you have been brought up better than to pass judgement on other people.

seeker Fri 18-Jan-13 10:01:05

Two things strike me about this thread in particular. The casual ageism- but I have sadly come to expect that on mumsnet, and the "flat child" comment. I wish the person who said that would come back and justify it.

seeker Fri 18-Jan-13 10:06:20

Oh, and the fact that nobody seems to be considering the possibility that the grandfather in question's grandchild may have fallen foul of the other child's "spirited" behaviour, and he was very consciously and deliberately letting the OP know that it hadn't gone un noticed. I'm sure this would have been brought up if it had been another mother who made the comment.

Hullygully Fri 18-Jan-13 10:08:04

Growlithe - I am a firm believer in the truth will set you free.

But I know not everyone is.

When I was a child I lived in a constant state of bewilderment at my perception of my reality, and how everyone else said it was...

Hullygully Fri 18-Jan-13 10:08:45

I mean the gap between the two <brain has snow freeze>

Jins Fri 18-Jan-13 10:10:25

If the grandfather had said "Oh, (my son's name), isn't he the clever one?" you'd be swollen with pride.

Karoleann Fri 18-Jan-13 10:11:48

I would also be really upset about the comment, but it is surely up to you to do something about your child's behaviour. There's only so much the teacher can do in the classroom, the majority of it is up to you.
DS1 had 2 naughty children in the class, we knew who they were from very early on and although I'm too polite to say anything to the parent, I actually wish someone had. They were disruptive and occasionally aggressive and I actually don't see why he or any other child should have to have his education disrupted by badly behaved children.
Rather than getting upset, tackle the behaviour.

Hullygully Fri 18-Jan-13 10:12:11

And jins?

Growlithe Fri 18-Jan-13 10:13:48

Hully it's just spin. IME 4 year olds respond brilliantly to a bit of positive spin.

Jins Fri 18-Jan-13 10:14:22

Not sure really. Musing over whether the issue is the commenting or the criticism

1979Nelson Fri 18-Jan-13 10:22:59

I am not excusing his behaviour. I was trying to fit a long story into as short an explanation as possible, so I've unfortunately missed out some detail. What his teacher said is that when they are teaching, he picks it up quickly and then occupies himself instead with being silly and distracts others. He needs to learn to sit quietly and let others focus and have a turn. It was not offered as an excuse. We are talking to him about appropriate classroom behaviours. The words I chose to shorten the explanation perhaps were wrong.

As someone mentioned, I am talking about silly misbehaviour and not bullying or physical behaviour to other children. It is also not a long term issue. We were never spoken to at nursery about his behaviour and neither did the school have cause to speak to us last term.

We are dealing with his behaviour, helping him to learn what is appropriate and giving him consequences when he gets it wrong. We are working with the school tooI am confident that with support and time he will learn how to behave appropriately, but I worry about the long term affect that hearing people labelling him, will have. He is very sensitive (just like his mum!)

Icantstopeatinglol Fri 18-Jan-13 10:28:59

Yes grandfather was very rude!

My ds is in reception and is always coming home saying 'x' has been naughty today but he doesn't do it as much now as I've explained to him that all children do things at times that could be classed as naughty but this doesn't make them naughty children.
I don't like labelling kids as once you start doing that they start acting the way people expect them to.
YANBU....I'd be upset too but just ignore him cos its not worth it as his opinion is a 'moo' point.....a cows opinion, it doesn't matter lol! grin

twinklesparkles Fri 18-Jan-13 10:29:43

Hugs for you and your ds

I wouldve said "oh you're the one with the shit stirring grandson" smile the grandads obviously heard about your son from his gs.

I had a similar experience recently, when I took ds into a school another little boy said to other children"oh don't speak to ds he's always naughty" ... Well I gave this kid the look from hell, funnily enough this kid is one of ds best friends now and is always super polite to me when I take ds in


Its sad they have to put up with this kinda thing so early into starting school, its bad enough at any age but reception class?? sad also shows what kinda adult the grandfather is if he thinks its acceptable to be mean to other peoples kids.. Cheeky bugger

Thewhingingdefective Fri 18-Jan-13 10:32:53

YANBU to be upset by the comment. The grandfather should know better. It was a cruel thing to say. Good for you for not responding in a negative way.

If your DS has earned a reputation as a naughty boy amongst his peers it must make you feel sad, so work with him on improving his behaviour and attitude. Try to boost his self esteem and praise all the good stuff. Motivate him to be a good boy, as I am sure he is mostly and wants to be. Lead by example too.

Kleinzeit Fri 18-Jan-13 10:36:03

Goodness, how rude of him. But don’t take it to heart. You have no reason to suppose there is any problem between your son and his grandson, so don’t worry, really.

In this situation I’ve always wanted to look down my nose, put on my best Hyacinth Bouquet voice and say:
“Well, by the time he’s your age I expect he will have learnt some manners”
but I’ve never quite had the guts. Just think it, silently smile

I had a bloke at a soft play centre tell me that DS1 (2 at the time) was going to grow up to be an assassin. I was devastated. As I removed him from the other bloke's child's shin. Where he was hanging on like a rabid dog. He is now 12 btw and hasn't bitten since, so we don't need to muzzle him.

Sometimes, your child will show less than marvellous behaviour. Other people will notice. It will be upsetting. But as long as you deal with the behaviour and don't make excuses, you will look back and it won't hurt any more. And hopefully you can help your child learn to settle down in class. It sounds like you're doing everything right smile

Willowisp Fri 18-Jan-13 10:43:40

it's not a cruel thing - if your son is naughty, he's naughty. GF isn't being unkind, he's being truthful.

My DC are always telling me about the 'naughty' kids.

If you don't want people to make comments - which they are entitled to - then you need to work on your DC's behaviour.

TBH I get hacked off with the amount of time my DC's teacher spends telling off the disruptive kids.

Kalisi Fri 18-Jan-13 10:44:39

Ok, just throwing it out there but is there a possibility he was joking and you are only getting upset because DS behaviour may be something you are feeling defensive about? Considering the fact that he looked right at you afterwards it may have been a botched attempt to flirt joke with you when in reality he has no idea who your son is?
Whenever I hear stories about a Grandfather I always picture mine in my head and this would probably be the something he would say. "Naughty" did not have the same stigma attached to him and he described most children as such in a very endearing way.

.....Or he could have been having a swipe for the reasons Seeker suggested. Either way, It's best not to dwell.

BelieveInPink Fri 18-Jan-13 10:46:18

"I have been asked for a word twice this term as he has ignored his teacher and then because he emptied the sand tray with a friend all over the outdoor play area"

He is in reception. Firstly, don't worry a jot. They are not even serious issues and totally normal for a 4-5 year old. Don't think that he's forever going to be disruptive because of these incidents, he won't be.

Secondly, the old man's comments would get to me too. They would any parent. Doesn't mean he's right though, and he was completely rude.

Kleinzeit Fri 18-Jan-13 10:50:42

To be honest, when I was that age my mum would ask me what happened at school and I would make up stories about naughty things other kids had done because they were more interesting than what really happened – until a story got too unlikely and my mum asked if that really happened, and I cheerfully admitted that no, it hadn’t smile

cloudpuff Fri 18-Jan-13 10:58:57

The Grandad was rude in saying that, if there had been any incident between his son and yours then the school would have dealt with it and its not his place to make comments like that. You sound like you are taking all the right steps to address his behaviour so I would not worry too much about his comment.

There is a boy in DDs class (y3) who she says has done something daily,(hitting, pushing, swearing at teachers) I just tell her that as long as she behaves then not to worry what others are doing and mind her own business.

Its been the same boy since nursery school and its sad but he has got the label of the naughty one by his peers, and yes also among other parents. I am good friends with his Mum and know that a lot of what happens at school gets reported to her by the teachers and despite the fact he can be really badly behaved at home too she makes excuses for him and panders to him, she told him last week that the school are picking on him, so his behaviour is getting worse and worse, he can be regulary seen being violent to her in the playground while she laughs it off. Its sad because she is a lovely woman but she cant see that she is doing him no favours by being his friend and ally instead of disciplining him. When his behaviour gets really bad she asks me for help, or even the school for help but then when things are suggested to her she sees them as too strict (ie removing the xbox for a while because he told a teacher to fuck off) so nothing ever changes.

Mia4 Fri 18-Jan-13 11:40:21

1979Nelson We had a child like that in my mum's school, her way of getting him to focus and slow down was to pair him with one of the children who was struggling as 'mentor'- there were quite a few other bright but naughty ones she did the same with. Upshot was, they all took it seriously and it worked well. The children like your son, saw how others struggled and really needed more attention, focus and the teachers help and started slowing down and paying more attention themselves as well as helping their 'new friends'. The children struggling did so much better with a friend mentoring them alongside the teacher.

The kids weren't 'teaching' before anyone gets the hump about 'kids being dragged back' as one parent not involved in the scheme tried to put it. But they worked together on joint projects, the teach taught and then their projects were 50/50 with parents ensuring the kids did work together and stepping in and explaining if one child got frustrated with the other. The kids got very motivated from it.

lljkk Fri 18-Jan-13 12:44:53

surely its the children telling the parents that he is naughty

unfortunately some parents typecast, or try to. DS was told by another boy (immature 8yo) "You're a spiteful little child!" It's not the type of phrasing a child would choose, is it? I knew it was something the parents had repeated so often as to make it sound like fact to their son. We have ongoing bad relations with that family: the father threatened to beat DS up last year, whilst the mother was shouting at DS that he had been thrown out of local primary school (completely false, she just likes to fabricate things, I guess) sad .

fwiw, DS just got his mid-year 8 reports, replete with comments on what a "polite thoughtful and mature" boy he is!

Try not to let it bother you, OP. Most of them have a turn being the "naughty" child.

florry88 Fri 18-Jan-13 13:22:23

hes in reception, complelty normal behaviour, my guess is the grandfather misjudged the comment.

We all know who the "naughty" ones ar ein our childrens classes becasue of what our children say to us. whether you call it "wrong choices " or naughty it doesnt matter, your child is who he is , celebrate it

TreadOnTheCracks Fri 18-Jan-13 13:36:57

You could stand near again tomorrow and when he calls his grandson, Of thats ..... he's the one with the rude grandfather.
Ignore him.

^I like this^^

Have a few chats with your son, really gently, about how it's important to listen to the teacher, how if everybody listens and does as they're told there will be more time to have fun / hear stories / make things (whatever he likes).

My ds is year 1 and has had a few "incidents". I've asked the teacher to let me know sooner rather than later if there are any problems, I want to be on top of it. The reception teacher used to give me a thumbs down if she'd had any problems and I would talk to DS about it. If it was anything serious he loses his computer time. IMO he needs to know I'm working with the teacher and will back them up. I work in another school and I am starting as I mean to go on, I don't want DS taking the wrong path.

Now DS is that bit older I've chatted to him about how annoying it is for the rest of the class when someone is naughty makes the wrong choice and disrupts the class, stopping them from getting on with what they want to do. I use any opportunity, such as when he tells me about someone doing something naughty. I also have DH do the same so he knows Dad is concerned about how he behaves at school as well.

Good luck to both of us!

seeker Fri 18-Jan-13 13:40:47

Is it entirely routine for a parent to be asked to talk to the teacher twice in 2 weeks?

Summerblaze Fri 18-Jan-13 15:00:48

I had the same happen the other day. DS (also in reception) was walking into the entrance and a boy said hello to him. The boy said something I didn't hear to his dad and dad said very loudly "oh, he's naughty is he".

My DS has had severe glue ear from only a few months old til just this summer when he was 4.5. This has caused a significant developmental delay and is currently about a 3 year old in age for certain things. He is possibly going down the route of getting a statement and 1:1 help. He isn"t violent or nasty in fact he is quite popular probably because he does naughty things which other children think is funny. I know this, I worry about this and about what people say about him. When I heard this man I felt sick even though I know he is and am working closely with the teachers to help him. IMO naughty or not, helped by parents or not, people should keep their nasty thoughts to themselves.

FWIW, I was talking to one of the mums of my dd's friend and was telling her about ds. She said that she removed her eldest from one school as she was going through hell as her ds was naughty and parents were being horrible to her. I couldn't believe it, he is 14 now and is a lovely well mannered boy.

nellieellie Fri 18-Jan-13 15:13:25

Heck, if a little 4/5yr old boy is not naughty in Reception class a few times, then I think that's a little sad. And no-one likes a sneak. Seems to me that if history has taught us anything, it's the over compliant kids (and the informers) we should worry about.

seeker Fri 18-Jan-13 15:18:42

I am a bit shock at some of the attitudes on here!

lljkk Fri 18-Jan-13 15:32:27

Behaviour issues twice in a term is nothing, OP.
Daily from the start of term is a pain.

lljkk Fri 18-Jan-13 15:34:35

Really, Seeker? Don't you notice in real life that certain parents speak to the teacher at least once a week about behaviour issues? And that's what's easy to observe, usually on top of individual private consultations. Or are they really all little angels down where you are?

feministefatale Fri 18-Jan-13 15:34:44

Your kid probably is a bit naughty if he is building a reputation, but the granddad sounds like a wanker and was really rude

1979Nelson Fri 18-Jan-13 15:54:55

Goodness Chickenshavenoeyebrows, I am shocked at what was said to you about your child. That was really nasty.

Thanks to all of you sharing your own experiences. Summerblaze, it is really hurtful when you experience it. I am sorry you have experienced it too.

It seems such an unkind thing to do. I wouldn't dream of doing the same to someone else. In fact, when my son pointed out the boy who headbutted him and knocked out my son's tooth, within earshot of the boy and his mum, I shushed him and told him it had been dealt with and smiled at the Mum.I was upset at what happenes but trusted the school to deal with it and imagined the Mum would have been upset too.

It is good to hear about the 'naughty ones' who grow up to be such delights too. Good luck to all of you going through similar and thanks for sharing xx

LaQueen Fri 18-Jan-13 17:10:38

I agree with Fell Children are very fond of labelling each other - there's always the naughty one, the sporty one, the clever one, the funny one...I find children are quite astute about these observations, generally.

Telling yourself (or other people) that your DS is only like this because 'he is bright but bored' isn't going to win you any favours or make you any friends, I'm afraid.

It's perfectly possible for clever children who are a bit bored to not resort to turning over sand-tables, or distracting their friends in the classroom.

ironman Fri 18-Jan-13 17:24:11

1979nelson Ignore the man! I know from experience at the school gates that plenty of children were labelled naughty etc; and they used to play with my ds and turn up at my house! The children are the ones saying he/she is naughty, but it is the parents who segregate the children and say who they can play with etc. From my experience some of the parents do speak to the teachers about other pupils behaviours and they can get labelled. I'd speak to the teacher before they did. Your son is very young and IMO boys are labelled naughty when they are not, it's part of boys behaviour.
Don't worry about it!smile

bamboostalks Fri 18-Jan-13 17:26:33

Oh hon. It is upsetting. Just pick yourself up. I'm afraid you made the fateful mistake in your op by describing your child child as bright and bored. That will being out all the mums on here who have bright children who are never naughty because they are parenting them so perfectly. He's only wee and it will all settle down. Horrid inappropriate comment from someone who should know better.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Fri 18-Jan-13 17:29:17

Fuck me! Did I just see a "hon" on MN?

MrsMushroom Fri 18-Jan-13 17:32:35

You have a bright, challenging happy that he is yours and you aren't struggling with anything like illness. Let the comments be like water off a ducks back.

I don't judge the kids in my 4 year old's class because I know that they're all very small and have their own little journey's to embark on and their own quirks. Many parents are like me. Some are like that old man...bugger him and his negativity.

LaQueen Fri 18-Jan-13 18:05:39

'Hon' eyes...

MrsMushroom Fri 18-Jan-13 18:08:58

Oh get over yourselves. It's not a frigging rule...just a bolloxy "thing" that some Mnrs decided to pick on others about. I've been here under various names for three years and over that time I've seen it again and again....its a word that's all.

In fact I prefer it to the shite jokes like "Gavel" and "Ltb". They're old hat. As is the biscuit thing.

I don't say "hon" but if I wanted to I would.

LaQueen Fri 18-Jan-13 18:13:44

I think you'll find it is a Mumsnet Rule [refers to Mumsnet Rule Book, chapter 4, paragraph 7, sub-section 4.1]

"Each use of abbreviated endearments e.g. 'hon' will be viewed as a direct negative reflection of the user's IQ, and will result in copious amounts of huffing and pointing"

I rest my case [slams Mumsnet Rule Book shut]

Growlithe Fri 18-Jan-13 18:20:13

Is a 'hon' better or worse than a 'hun'?

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Fri 18-Jan-13 18:21:33

Sorry didnt mean for the thread derail Op. I've taken it elsewhere.

VenusRising Fri 18-Jan-13 18:22:33

I think attitudes were very different to when this granddad was a boy.
Then it was quite acceptable to talk about people in labelling terms, even over the subject's head! Some people still do it to people who happen to be disabled.

It takes a few years for some kids to realise that they are limited in their movements in school - having to sit still is quite difficult for 4 and 5 year olds, let alone adults! I'm sure your bright little boy will get the hang of seeing what's required of him, (sitting still, keeping quiet) and complying (always a bit sad to have to learn this IMHO)

There will be comments in the future from interfering people, that I can guarantee, as it happens to everyone - best to develop a thicker skin and let them all wash off. Nod and smile hon.

VenusRising Fri 18-Jan-13 18:36:07

Blasted Autocorrect

I think attitudes were very different now to when this granddad was a boy.

Sorry you're going through this OP, and if you're worried your son is being labelled, have a word with the teacher, and head teacher, as its surely in everyone's best interests if labels such as naughty, are kept well out of the classrooms and yard.
Maybe the school needs to run an anti bullying programme?
Chin up, er, hon. brew

VenusRising Fri 18-Jan-13 18:37:39

Blardy 'ell are

lovelyladuree Fri 18-Jan-13 18:48:55

Unfortunately, the truth hurts. I cannot wait to be old so I can say exactly what I want. Oh, hold on, I already do grin

monstermissy Fri 18-Jan-13 19:09:07

My five year old hit year one and I spend most days having a word with the teacher, in fact I'm always last in the line to discourage everyone listening. Although if its anything interesting ill hear about it from the kids coming out first. It's never nasty or agressive/violent or really involving others. Low level disruption like appearing at the class door five minutes after everyone else has sat down after playtime. As he's been elsewhere when the whistle has gone ... (Thank god they lock the gate nowadays) . Everyday he comes home flithy, he likes to roll in the mud, not listening, being silly with his friends etc etc I have regular meetings with head about it and the class teacher. We are working together and trying various approaches till something works. He just does not seem to bother about being in trouble, missing playtimes or even having to go to the heads office. Nothing phases him. At home he's lovely mostly like any other five year old.

I make a point of chatting to all the mums in the class, I'm open about what he's up to (their kids are ttelling them anyway) I smile and am polite, I engage with their children and so far I think its going ok, I don't feel like I'm being looked down the nose but he is infamous as the class clown/silly boy. If anything happens in class his name is offered up even when his teacher knows it wasn't him. So he will have to work at shaking that off. Your not alone I promise.

Perhaps the grandad didn't know you were the mum in question and looked at you as felt you looking at him when you heard your sons name?? Maybe...

monstermissy Fri 18-Jan-13 19:11:11

Sorry that was long.

marjproops Fri 18-Jan-13 19:56:24

Feel for you OP. i took DC once to a birthday party and the entertainer, when she heard her name, said, into her mic -'0h, xxx, ive heard about you'. what????? and then a child fell over at some point, my DC was at the other end of the room and this twat again said, into her mic-'oh did xxx push you over?' I was too shocked to say anything. i didnt even KNOW the woman, obv my DCs name had been floating around. Autism. thats what I should say her name is!!!!

some people are just insensitive and quick to label. its hard to wear a thick skin when infamy sets in.

dayshiftdoris Fri 18-Jan-13 20:18:31


IME at school gate, the ones labelled by the kids as the naughty ones have without fail been genuinely poorly behaved and in a couple of cases behaviour has led to dx, haven't yet seen it spontaneously revert into good behaviour without intervention by parents.


I live and breathe this crap - child with challenging behaviour that was ignored by the first school (I went into the head after he bit 4 children in a week and she couldnt see my issue), a second school that did a bit of poor management & a bit of ignoring and then when I pressed the issue (which included writing to the Governors to ask for tighter behaviour management - a letter that was never answered) they told me they were failing him and I should move him sad

I sat in meeting with professionals acknowledging what I did at home and school shrugging and moaning that they had no money.

Now in a school that understands ASD... challenging behaviour is still there but school and I use the same technique, he is risk assessed and their is ongoing assessment and review of strategies. A particularly bad week recently prompted them to honestly review the situation and tweak... me too.

I am bloody lucky but been on a long journey to get here... it not that simple that if parents intervene then they are somehow cured at school... I am not even at school and I have NO control over the decisions they make - good or bad.

My approach to parents at the 2nd school was to be completely upfront and tell them I shared their concerns. This school - I am trying to be invisible so that parents don't where to come... I am sick of justifying myself to people who have NO IDEA what it is like to have vicious, nasty comments aimed at their children usually from other adults... At the age of four I overheard him being called a 'fucking little shit' by his nursery keyworker.

No child deserves that... ever.

TreadOnTheCracks Fri 18-Jan-13 20:21:38

Sounds like you are doing all the right things monstermissy, certainly this thread shows we are not alone.

This too shall pass (soon please????smile)

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 18-Jan-13 20:24:08

Some kids are naughty. Your child is one of them. It's not that big a deal. Hopefully school will manage to provide him with structure and discipline and it won't be an issue anymore.

TreadOnTheCracks Fri 18-Jan-13 20:28:04

dayshiftdoris. Encouraging to hear that you have found an understanding school. I have worked in two schools (as a TA) and there are massive differences in how they deal with behaviour.

dayshiftdoris Fri 18-Jan-13 20:33:45

Thanks Tread

Have to say and much greyer, older and wiser.... and know that there are hundreds of parents and kids out there in schools that do not cope well but who escape the glare of parents in playground.

If you're child is angel but sits in a class with a child with challenging behaviour then they are affected... if you don't like it then schools have head teachers, governing bodies and sometimes parent forums.... use them and leave us knackered parents alone.

dayshiftdoris Fri 18-Jan-13 20:34:22

I meant the schools dont cope but escape the glare of the playground... jeez

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Fri 18-Jan-13 20:38:23

"I have been asked for a word twice this term as he has ignored his teacher and then because he emptied the sand tray with a friend all over the outdoor play area."
Is this for real? Surely there is more than this? This is NOTHING.

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