To think I should get to have one nice thing without DH ruining it? (warning petty)

(95 Posts)
Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 20:16:21

DH is sulking with me nearly 24 hours later and I really dont want to apologise.

I am not spending money on myself at the moment as am on maternity leave with DS 10 weeks, so no new clothes. I was given vouchers for christmas for a very upmarket online store that I cannot normally afford. My old dressing gown was four years old, had a hole in it and was thin cotton so freezing for getting up in the night when the heating is off. I managed to find a lovely luxury one in the dregs of the sales at 50% off and it arrived yesterday. I hadn't worn it yet, but it is just so lovely and double layered but could be unisex.

Last night DH went out for drinks with people he used to work with and came home at midnight, kebab in hand, a little worse for wear. Obvs no problem with that. DS woke up at 3am and I was feeding him in bed. DH decided to get up and get himself a drink of water and offered to change DS when I had finished feeding. He came back in in my new dressing gown (his was next to it on the bathroom door) which was pulled stretched across his shoulders and as he reached over for DS, I heard it rip a bit. I asked him to take it off as he was ripping it and I didnt particularly want his beer sweaty naked self all over it. He got really cross and told me that I was being petty and selfish and took it off, scrunched it up and kicked it across the bedroom.

He wants me to apologise. I think I am entitled to have something new, without him ruining it before I have even worn it.

told you it was petty, but AIBU and should I apologise.

MammaTJ Thu 17-Jan-13 20:19:21

YANBU!! Oh, and I would apologise-when hell froze over!

hermioneweasley Thu 17-Jan-13 20:20:32

Of course you should be expect that all your possessions are treated with respect by your partner. It is his behaviour that is petty. And you've got a 10 week old baby?! He's a dick.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 17-Jan-13 20:20:58

Yanbu.

But you could say your are sorry that you argued rather than saying you are sorry that you told him get out of your dressing gown.

Ihatemytoes Thu 17-Jan-13 20:21:16

No you're not. And no you shouldn't!!

he's being a petty dick- YANBU

KatyTheCleaningLady Thu 17-Jan-13 20:22:16

Apologize for what? Did you curse and scream at him, or just rather crossly ask him not to rip your nice new robe?

Unless you tore him a new one, I'd say he's the one who owes an apology.

idococktailshedoesbeer Thu 17-Jan-13 20:22:52

I think he's behaving like an arse. If my DP ripped a lovely new possession of mine he'd be offering to buy me a new one.

tittytittyhanghang Thu 17-Jan-13 20:23:05

YANBU, if only for the fact that he was clearly too big for it and was ripping it.

myhandslooksoold Thu 17-Jan-13 20:25:42

YADNBU!!!! My jaw actually dropped when I read this. Poor you

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 17-Jan-13 20:25:57

I would rip his favourite shirt in front of him and tell him with a smile on my face that we are now even.

Disclaimer I am single for a reason

purrpurr Thu 17-Jan-13 20:25:57

Do not apologise. Show him the rip. Ask him for a replacement. Sort out now when you will be getting your night to go out on the piss, come back at 3am with a kebab and run about naked upstairs whilst he deals with the baby. You want to get that in the diary.

When was the last time he bought himself something?

sukysue Thu 17-Jan-13 20:27:29

yanbu but it's awfully childish like you said and it just isn't worth holding onto it is it?

purrpurr Thu 17-Jan-13 20:27:50

InNeed - I second this suggestion. This would be the route I'd go down if my husband was being an immature twit.

RuleBritannia Thu 17-Jan-13 20:27:55

Do you know how to sew a seam together?

purrpurr Thu 17-Jan-13 20:28:41

Er sorry typo there RuleBritannia, does HE know how to sew a seam together?

(Why should she repair it?)

happynewmind Thu 17-Jan-13 20:33:53

Yanbu,
The one thing I love about being single is having small little things that are only mine.

I had nothing when I was married.

Intact I get upset when dd messes with my stuff.

Ragwort Thu 17-Jan-13 20:37:21

Don't sweat the small stuff. Yes, he was mean and uncaring and drunk but in the grand scheme of things, is a dressing gown worth more than your marriage?

I say this as I have been married over 25 years, I am sure I would have felt like you in the early years of marriage grin.

ENormaSnob Thu 17-Jan-13 20:40:53

Yanbu

I actually think he's being really mean.

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 20:43:07

It doesnt seem to be actually ripped where you can see as far as I can see so maybe an internal seam.

I didnt argue, I just said a bit crossly "take my dressing gown off, wear your own, you are ripping it" and ignored his resulting tantrum.

Its just having worn maternity clothes for months and then having to squeeze myself into old stuff (doesnt really fit yet), I was luxuriating in having something new and a bit glam and from a posh shop.

Neither of us are buying new clothes (except for work for him as he started a new job but thats fair enough), but I asked my DParents for a voucher for clothes for christmas and he asked them for amazon vouchers.

He just thinks it doesnt matter as its just a stupid dressing gown and that I was being super incredibly petty and a bitch and its just stuff around the house.

Am even more annoyed that he is sulking like my 2 year old when I had forgotten about it until he came back from work in a mood.

He was like this when I asked him not to wear my new YSL sunglasses (TK Maxx find) as he would stretch them (previously had stretched my sunglasses). I am a 5'3" shrimp and he is 6'2" and built like a rugby player with a huge head, so it seems logical to me that he would stretch/rip my stuff if he pinches it.

ToomuchWaternotWine Thu 17-Jan-13 20:44:14

It's not petty when you rarely get nice things to yourself, and want to keep them that way. He damaged your lovely new thing, HE should apologise for behaving that way - kicked it across the bedroom??? Bet if you did that with his favourite new thing the tables would be turned!

And yes I've been married a while too but NO I don't think you should just "accept" arsey selfish behaviour for a quiet life or you end up living with a fuckwit man child who doesn't treat you with any respect.

starfishmummy Thu 17-Jan-13 20:45:30

Yanbu.

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 17-Jan-13 20:46:36

God - I'd have been furious if I were you. Thankfully DH knows not to touch any of my stuff.

Your DH should be the one apologising.

2rebecca Thu 17-Jan-13 20:48:31

He sounds quite unpleasant. Why didn't he just put his on? There was no need for him to put your dressing gown on, my 6 foot 2 husband has never tried to wear my dressing gown (I have occasionally worn his but only if his is on top of mine on the peg). He was being unpleasant and a bit strange for wearing yours. Why did he even want to wear it and why hasn't he got over himself by now? He was in the wrong and behaved like a child.

ENormaSnob Thu 17-Jan-13 20:48:43

He is a selfish arse hole.

Chunkymumma Thu 17-Jan-13 20:48:48

YANBU What an annoying shithead! Don't apologise to him and keep it out of his way.

Dressing gown, sunglasses... He'll be wearing your undies next!

pictish Thu 17-Jan-13 20:49:22

You are NOT being unreasonable at all!
The stretching and ripping would piss me off, but not as much as his reaction at being asked not to!

He is being disrespectful. I'd be furious!

Jux Thu 17-Jan-13 20:50:50

What is he buying with his Amazon vouchers? Books? Break the spines, fold the corners, loosen some pages.

No don't really, but ask him whether you could do that, please, now before he reads them.

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 20:56:06

Chunky smile, I had wondered if my OP sounded like DH was dying to wear all my clothes.

I think he was tired and just starting a hangover and grabbed the nearest one. Its not too girly, its a lovely double layered flannel one from Toast. Its just I feel like wearing one of his expensive suits to feed DS in, burping him on the shoulder and then going "but its just a stupid suit".

Pictish you are right, its not about the dressing gown, its about general disrespect, or at least that is how it feels.

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 20:57:37

Jux he is saving up several Amazon vouchers to get an ipad.

PoppyWearer Thu 17-Jan-13 20:59:39

It's from Toast?!?!??

YASoooooooooNBU!

Softlysoftly Thu 17-Jan-13 21:01:16

He sounds a dick.

And exactly how much did he spend on drink? It isn't fucking cheap. Kji

NoelHeadbands Thu 17-Jan-13 21:03:24

Dear god you should at least be able to expect to have a dressing gown to yourself!

YANBU

PleasePudding Thu 17-Jan-13 21:05:01

YADDDDNBU

I totally think that marriage needs working at sometimes and forgiving stuff but not this kind of stuff. He's being a dick and needs to apologise and also understand why what he did is actually really mean and petty

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 17-Jan-13 21:11:21

After seeing their prices, your so not BU, if it had been a cheap tesco's one you probably wouldnt have been bothered.

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 21:14:47

I wouldn't have minded about a cheap one from Tesco at all. It was a real treat (courtesy of my step mother who has lovely taste and no doubt chose the vouchers), but as I spend so much time in my dressing gown since having DS I wanted something lovely.

ChaoticintheNewYear Thu 17-Jan-13 21:16:29

YANBU He needs to grow up and stop being so selfish.

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 21:16:38

I dont begrudge him going out for a drink at all. Its the last thing I want to do myself at the moment, so dont mind that he has a night out. Unless he is going to come home and be an arse that is.

RuleBritannia Thu 17-Jan-13 21:17:05

You are quite right purrpurr. The OP's husband did the ripping so he should do the sewing. I stand corrected.

OxfordBags Thu 17-Jan-13 21:17:39

I'd date you, InNeedOfBrandy grin

HecateWhoopass Thu 17-Jan-13 21:21:04

I wouldn't be happy.

I mean, I'm all for sharing within a marriage grin but I draw the line at my bloody clothes!

If my husband ripped an item of my clothing, I'd expect a whoops, sorry, get yourself a new one.

Not to be told how selfish I am for daring to object to my stuff being ripped!

Tell me. Does he have this lovely share and share alike mentality for his own stuff?

For example, you put on his favourite jumper and stretch it out of shape. He's fine with that, yes? You can help yourself to anything that's his and if you wreck it through drunken fuckwittedness -he's fine, right?

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Thu 17-Jan-13 21:21:04

OoOH YANBU, I hate this - so you're being petty but he's not by kicking it across the room??! This sounds infuriating!

EnjoyResponsibly Thu 17-Jan-13 21:22:40

I would have killed him.

So actually your DH is quite a lucky bloke.

NotSoNervous Thu 17-Jan-13 21:22:48

YANBU what a jerk. I would make him replace it too

determinedma Thu 17-Jan-13 21:24:48

Its not the dressing gown per se though is it? Its the lack of respect for you and your stuff, for you as an individual with the right to own your own things. You are not his possession and your stuff is not his to damage.

AThingInYourLife Thu 17-Jan-13 21:25:52

He's being a total and utter dick to you.

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 21:26:00

Well he isn't that precious about his stuff really, particularly clothes.

I admit I am, I like to keep things nicely and hate things to get scuffed or faded, but am prepared to put in the work to keep things nice (eg handwashing stuff to stop it from fading, protecting shoes and keeping them polished with shoe cream etc), which may sound a little crazy, but I dont buy much and like to keep what I do buy in a good condition.

LadyKinbote Thu 17-Jan-13 21:26:13

YANBU. I feel furious on your behalf! Might go and shout at DH for a bit grin

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 21:29:21

Hmm, I have a bit of a bad time keeping Kindles alive, am on my fourth one (last one broke when I fell down stairs carrying it, others have had similar ridiculous slapstick demises). DH goes ballistic if I as much as move his to make the bed or tidy up, and as for his precious iphone..... So not for clothes, but for his gadgets, yes definitely.

BillyBollyDandy Thu 17-Jan-13 21:32:55

I'd be worried about someone worse for wear changing a 10 week old baby as well tbh.

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 21:35:22

Billy yes so was I, so I just got him to help me change him on our bed, not carry him through to another room.

Hobbitation Thu 17-Jan-13 21:36:15

What a twat. He should apologise profusely and if it is ripped get you a new one, regardless of cost. And sulking in an adult is unforgiveable, IMO, I couldn't put up with it.

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 17-Jan-13 21:39:05

throws self at OxfordBags and smooches wink

purrpurr Thu 17-Jan-13 21:43:29

Lambzig, I do wonder if this is something you could have a chat about.

I never really noticed my OH had no respect for my stuff until we were on our honeymoon. As we had limited storage space for our stuff, even though we had selected our own drawers for things, I noticed soon enough that he had taken to ransacking - that was the only word for it - MY drawers and using them as miscellaneous storage, so the chocs that were put on the pillows by the 'turn down team' were put in my underwear drawer, melting chocolate all over my new bought especially silk nightwear... quickly joined by bottles of half-used sun tan cream, missing lids, so they leaked... I've never owned nice nightwear before. sad I could have cried. It was like being on holiday with a small child.

Months later, back at home, he couldn't find something so ransacked my things again - all my coat pockets, my handbag and finally whilst we were in my car he had a thorough look round. It was as though I didn't own those things. They were ours. So he could treat them how he liked. I've never seen him rifle through his own things in the same way. It's hurtful to watch.

I'm a wuss, I've left it. I do think you could have a talk about this, to start to foster some respect for your things in him. They don't have to be gadgets, or expensive, to be cherished by their owner.

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 21:48:11

Hmm, I think he does it sporadically, but you are right, he doesnt think of them as things that would matter to me or things that are personal to me. I think he doesnt think, for example, shoes are shoes so what does it matter if he dumps his muddy trainers on top of my new suede shoes and then gets super defensive if I complain.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 17-Jan-13 21:53:09

Get your own wardrobe and put a lock on, preferably with DH's Kindle and iPhone accidently getting locked in, and enjoy watching him go nuts grin

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 21:53:26

YA so not being UR Op.
But this is coming from a person who used to have a fit when he dared to read my Sunday Observer before me though he continually moaned about the price, and he let his mates drink out of my mug.
He's an ex for a reason ok not that in particular, but I do admit to being a petty cow, and I know I'm unable to live with anybody apart from my ds.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 17-Jan-13 21:56:58

Lady I been single so long living with a man would drive me crazy, i dont like pee on the toilet seat, i control the telly, dont come on my side of the bed, dont touch my diet coke, and no reading my magazines before me, those is the rules.

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 17-Jan-13 21:59:40

I could never ever give up my side of the bed for anyone. EVER

My house, my stuff my bath my toilet and my side of the bed. <very selfish and petty>

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 17-Jan-13 22:02:36

I dont like being touched in the night, i used to wake up to find my then DP, asleep on my pillows, cant have people doing that. its my bed.

bedmonster Thu 17-Jan-13 22:03:34

OP, yanbu in wanting something nice for yourself. You deserve a bit of luxury even more than usual after having a baby.

HOWEVER, I can't get over the idea that men wear dressing gowns shock I mean, really? I don't know any man who owns one!!

OxfordBags Thu 17-Jan-13 22:03:40

Brandy, you're a great kisser, but you so much as look at my side of our bed and you'll be out on your ear.

I don't even like seeing DH (sorry, Brandy) moving my toiletries to one side temporarily, when looking for something of his, and he does that respectfully and moves them back!

PurrPurr, you can still tackle him about this shit, you know. Your post made me sad for you.

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 17-Jan-13 22:05:02

I hate the smell of the bedroom if a mans been there asleep (and farting away) and you go in open the door and pooowww it's all manly and farty and not how my bedroom would normally smell.

I also love being able to fart without no one around, stretch out like a star fish, eat cheese cake at 3 AM in bed watching buffy and not tidy up if I don't want to.

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 17-Jan-13 22:06:06

bedmonster my ex used to love my dressing gown (was only a BHS one though)

oxford shock and I thought you loved meeeee <wails>

OxfordBags Thu 17-Jan-13 22:06:16

Bedmonster, my DH owns a dressing gown. Does it make it better or worse that it's the same one he got when he was EIGHTEEN and doesn't like to wash it because it apparently then loses its 'feel'?

I have a very poor sense of smell.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 17-Jan-13 22:06:27

Why do all boys and mens bedrooms has that weird stale smell, its gross, and any mans room i been in has the same smell.

OxfordBags Thu 17-Jan-13 22:07:28

Pah, it's all over anyway, Brandy, I don't like Buffy. I was only using you for your body, anyway.

OxfordBags Thu 17-Jan-13 22:08:52

Ps, sorry to clusterfuck, but, apart from his rank dressing gown of shame, my DH genuinely doesn't leave rooms smelling all farty and sweaty.

But then again, as I mentioned, I do have a very poor sense of smell.

Satan would be ice-skating before I would apologise to him.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 22:14:50

Bloody hell yes Brandy, sharing a bed? No way ever.
And I have the remote, ds has multiroom so it's mine, all mine.
My ex used to go through the Radio Times and highlight the programmes he was going to watch that night.
When I said 'well actually I want to watch this', he'd accuse me of only saying that because I didn't like his choices.
So we got SkyPlus, then he'd highlight the ones to record and the ones to watch.
And it very rarely fitted in with my plans.

Bobyan Thu 17-Jan-13 22:16:04

Spend his vouchers...

DumSpiroSpero Thu 17-Jan-13 22:23:39

Months later, back at home, he couldn't find something so ransacked my things again - all my coat pockets, my handbag

If my DH went through my handbag I'd take head off (and he knows it!).

OP YANBU - I'm gobsmacked that even if he was pissed it would even occur to your DH to put your dressing gown on (me and DH are similar proportions so I can imagine the difference in sizing). Also, stuff like this is important. It's what you wear when you want to feel relaxed and warm and cosy which is a big deal imo. Last winter I couldn't stretch to much in the way of new clothes and in the end I treated myself to nice winter PJ's, slippers and dressing gown rather than daytime clothes, so I totally get why it's so important to you.

<googles toast>
YANBU!!!! Why would u want his smelly bottom in your lovely snuggly new dressing gown? Bleugh
Spend his amazon vouchers on tights. Then he'll really have cause to moan

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 22:30:39

Yanbu. I'd kill him!

Jux Thu 17-Jan-13 22:43:33

An iPad? OK, hide the charger cable. Play with the iPad when he's not around and make bookmarks to all the really girly sites you can find. Download loads of music he doesn't like. Get the Kindle app and download as many Austen, Gaskell, Hardy etc classics you can. Fill up the memory with stuff he doesn't want. Change his settings.

Load a picture of a torn dressing gown and set it as the wallpaper. grin

I'm not being entirely serious, but none of it is more than a bit of a nuisance and won't cause him more than some inconvenience, but will taint his new gadget. Then you can tell him he's being petty and selfish.

shock

i would get him to buy a new one! what a blooming cheek!

waxlyrical Thu 17-Jan-13 23:12:33

Rofl at torn dressing gown i pad wallpaper!

SparkyDudess Thu 17-Jan-13 23:22:12

Id have gone spare! Way out of line, DH is very careful of my things, particularly anything nice/new. I'm funny about things being mine/clean, and while he doesnt understand it, he knows it matters to me.

Jux's suggestion about the wallpaper is genius grin

Chubfuddler Thu 17-Jan-13 23:38:13

Bloody hell purr purr that's even worse than the ops husband. I've been with DH for 15 years and he's never touched my handbag. Even if I say of the such and such is in my handbag he brings it to me to get for him. Handbag is private.

LesBOFerables Thu 17-Jan-13 23:44:00

Yes, DP flat refuses to go in my handbag, even if I ask him to. He brings it to me.

I looked up that dressing-gown; it's very lovely. I would go apeshit if anyone treated it like your husband did, Lambzig. YANBU.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 17-Jan-13 23:44:17

YANBU.

StuntGirl Fri 18-Jan-13 01:07:54

YADNBU. It's not about the dressing gown per se, but the lack of respect. Refusing to apologise and then accusing you of being in the wrong makes it worse. And holding that grudge all day? Does he not have enough to do at work grin

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 18-Jan-13 01:14:57

His reaction the next day is the worst part of this. He sounds bloody self absorbed and is acting like a complete twat. I'm not sure how you put up with him, but if you don't put your foot down now he will just get worse sad

I would be really pissed. Hell would freeze over before I apologised and I have been married plenty long and value my marriage.

Oh and I would tell him something along the lines of...

"it would be like me using your brand new iPad before you did and putting a great big scratch across the screen and then me expecting for you to apologise because you were upset at that. Would you like me to do that to you so you know how I feel right now??"

Arthurfowlersallotment Fri 18-Jan-13 04:06:23

He's a wanker.

HansieMom Fri 18-Jan-13 04:48:25

I too think he should buy you a new one.

Lavenderhoney Fri 18-Jan-13 05:20:01

Can it be mended? How annoying. He should be apologising for coming home drunk and lurching about anyway, you are nice about that. And I would expect my dh to buy me new sunnies if he wore mine and stretched them. Your dh might see it as sharing but there is no point having nice stuff if it gets wrecked through carelessness.

You've just had a baby, he could be more sympathetic ESP if you are still in the dressing gown stage. And still sulking! He should be bringing you flowers and promising not to do it again.

Still, that's his birthday present/ Christmas sorted. New dressing gown. With his name on it.

Fairylea Fri 18-Jan-13 05:50:30

I hope you both have the same amount of spending money and time off.... ? Just wondering as you seem to be focusedon your maternity money etc when surely your finances should be shared equally !?

And I take it you're having a night out / time off and leaving him with the baby while you do as he has done with you this time ?

Yanbu about the dressing gown but I wonder if it's part of a larger picture ....

JessieMcJessie Fri 18-Jan-13 06:01:10

The putting it on and not thinking about how his big shoulders would rip it- thoughtless but forgivable. Rolling it up and kicking it across the room- hugely disproportionate, disrespectful and borderline violent- does he fly into rages about other things? Did he know what it had cost- had you shown it off when it arrived so he could see how happy you were with it? Sometimes men have mo fucking clue what stuff costs. But if he knew it was a previous treat for you, his kicking reaction is doubly concerning and you should NOT let it slide- what is he, 13? Please update to tell us he has apologised....

JessieMcJessie Fri 18-Jan-13 06:01:42

Precious treat, not previous treat.

Thumbwitch Fri 18-Jan-13 06:22:39

YA so NBU, he's a pathetically childish twat who displays no respect for you or your belongings.
I'd be livid.
I am livid whenever DH displays a similar lack of respect for my stuff; but he'd never try and wear my clothes and then expect an apology when he tore them!! shock Your DH really needs to grow the fuck up and accept that he was a wanker.

Lambzig Fri 18-Jan-13 18:32:03

Hi, sorry left this for a day due to small snowed in toddler and baby demanding stuff.

No our money is joint money, but we are trying to pay off debt and make sure we have enough for me to take a year off on maternity leave. I mentioned maternity pay because it means we are on less than usual between us.

I dont begrudge him a boozy night out or the money on it at all, its not a frequent thing for him.

Bedtime was frosty,not speaking, but he did apologise this morning, but I am pretty sure he thinks I was being petty. He doesn't get why I get annoyed when he goes into my handbag for stuff either (he doesn't mind me going through his stuff at all).

Don't men wear dressing gowns then? DH prefers to sleep naked, but moved on to boxer shorts, so needs the dressing gown when he goes downstairs in the morning (for warmth and also not to scare the neighbours).

my dh doesnt go in my handbag either... or my purse... even when i say its ok

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Fri 18-Jan-13 19:19:42

I am borderline obsessive about my things, I like to be the first to read my sunday paper, I like to keep my own shampoo and face stuff as mine and have my own mouthwash etc. I don't like people going in my wardrobe or drawers in the bedroom even though I have nothing to hide. DS1 however has the mentality that 'if mine has run out use someone else's' or simply 'oh that sounds nice, I'll have a bit of that' he has the knack of sniffing out anything nice I buy with me in mind that I try to disguise in the fridge too. I would have been very very CROSS in your place.

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