To not want my Mum there

(60 Posts)
CuppaSarah Thu 17-Jan-13 08:55:47

First time posting an AIBU so please bare with me!

Basically I really don't want my Mum anywhere near me during labour. To give a little context, she has some mental health issues and really can't handle things being about others. This was made VERY apparent last year at my sisters wedding, when she made the groom drive out to Mcdonalds while waiting for my sister to arrive to buy her food becuase she 'came over so faint and dizzy and nearly fainted'

Another example is when I first took DP home to meet her, she managed to actually faint that time(cue a long trip to A+E). I know it's not her fault that she struggles when the spotlights firmly away from her, she finds big things hard to cope with and it's just how she manages them. But I really don't want to deal what ever 'coping strategy' she comes up with for my labour.

My midwifes advised I just don't tell her till babies here, but I know how much it will hurt her, especially as I'll have to tell the in laws when I'm in labour as they live 4 hours away. I don't want to upset her, but I would like to focus on myself throughout labour and not have to worry about how she's going to cope with it. AIBU to just not tell her till babies here?

ENormaSnob Thu 17-Jan-13 09:00:03

YANBU at all.

Absolutely do not tell her until baby is here.

Fakebook Thu 17-Jan-13 09:04:54

You could tell her and then ask mw's to not allow in any "visitors".

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 09:07:21

YANBU. Don't tell her. If you do, and she turns up, it might cause a scene which would be unfair on the midwives and would stress you out.

Nancy66 Thu 17-Jan-13 09:08:59

Definitely don't tell her. Don't get why you need to tell the inlaws either?

wigglesrock Thu 17-Jan-13 09:09:14

YANBU - I can't think of anything worse than having my Mum there - tbh I could barely stand my husband being there and I like him a lot more grin

stella1w Thu 17-Jan-13 09:10:12

Yanbu, but no need to give inlaws heads up either.... Baby arrives, text gps, in laws arrive four hours later...or do you want inlaws at birth?

FarrahFawcettsFlick Thu 17-Jan-13 09:10:39

I wouldn't tell DM or PIL that you've gone into labour. Wait till baby arrives. I went into labour on the Monday, had cs Friday. Bit of a long wait!

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 09:12:14

Agree about the in laws. I've had an entire waiting room full of people traipsing in and out when I've just given birth and it's awful!

LaCiccolina Thu 17-Jan-13 09:13:22

Sorry sounds awful. Surely u just try to stay off topic til last moment when u just go in with dh? Plainly I'm not sure I get why this had to be arranged now?

Just say dh that's it. Stop having conversation and pass it to him if have to. She will find something to argue about so pick the topic u are happy to be Unmoveable on and stick to it!

AngryTrees Thu 17-Jan-13 09:15:32

YANBU. If she struggles when the spotlight is away from her she is going to find a way to try and way to make it about her no matter what. So you should give birth away from her because no matter how accommodating you try and be she'll figure out a way to create a scene.

I would have her in very small doses not only around the time you give birth but the weeks after that too when you're recovering and trying to adjust to life with a newborn. It might not be her fault that she's like this but you need to look after yourself when you're in that very vulnerable state- get your DH to deal with any fainting spells or unreasonable demands.

LaCiccolina Thu 17-Jan-13 09:15:53

And I really will have better things to do than text all and sundry that ur in labour, particularly if u start at night or do u really think while ur doing breathing excercises dh will be on phone/fb in corner of room?!?!

Think about it. U will both be preoccupied or should be. Tell everyone once here. That's how most of everyone I know has done it....

LaCiccolina Thu 17-Jan-13 09:16:07

You not I damn iphone

CuppaSarah Thu 17-Jan-13 09:37:04

Thanks for the advice guys! Since this is my first I really have no concept of what the whole process is going to be like, so I'm almsot certainly worrying more than I should.

LaCiccolina I think you probably are right, when things kicks off I doubt I'll be worrying about anything but labour. I Would like the PIL's to be about but it's a difficult one with the distance and the length of time labours going to take. Thank you all for the outside opinions, has really helped put things back into perspective!

2rebecca Thu 17-Jan-13 09:53:32

We told no-one until the baby had arrived with our first and with the second only told our inlaws (who live nearer) when in labour with the second so they could come and look after our son who we left with a good friend until then.
After labour especially your first you will be extremely tired and not want visitors immediately. Babies usually come during the night anyway.
Have the baby, husband rings the grandparents when it gets to a sensible hour (although my ex went home and fell asleep for a few hours before phoning anyone as the birth was about 3am). Visitors travel up and visit in late afternoon/ evening. What's the rush? Don't any of these relatives have jobs to do? It was a week before my mum saw my first as she and my dad both worked and lived 8 hours away. She had booked a couple of weeks off work to help me 3 weeks after my due date (I was 2 weeks late so as well it wasn't at my due date).
Why is it so hard to tell any relative that you don't want them at the birth? Most women just have their husbands/ boyfriends.

It honestly never occurred to me to inform anyone that I had gone into labour. You have no idea how long it's going to take, so I just didn't see the point of having them on tenterhooks, maybe for >24 hours. Once DS was here, DH phoned both sets of parents.

Absolutely do not phone her. It does not matter whether her behaviour is her 'fault' or not. It's a question of priorities. When you're in labour, everything else goes wa-ay down that list! And frankly, so what if she feels hurt that you didn't tell her? She may well welcome it as giving her something to overdramatise grin!

Is your relationship such that you could tell her (afterwards! afterwards! else she'll be stalking you, waiting for you to go into labour) why you waited until your baby was born? Or will you have to be all diplomatic?

DontmindifIdo Thu 17-Jan-13 10:07:33

Most woman in labour only have 1 birthing partner, normally their DH/DP.

If she says she wants to be there, say you only are allowed one birthing partner and that will be DH, but of course you'll get DH to call her as soon as the baby's arrived. (then leave it for a while so you've got time to recover) Make sure she knows she can't turn up for visiting outside visiting hours.

There is no reason to tell her when you are in labour and if you think she's going to create a drama out of it, just don't bother. She might like to be the centre of attention but when you are in labour she can't be.

It's a real pity, you are probably going to have to cut her out a bit if she has to be the centre of attention at all times, with a new DC she can't be so she's going to have to be limited to avoid her ruining lots of different events.

CaptainVonTrapp Thu 17-Jan-13 10:10:15

YANBU. I only needed to read the first two sentences. You decide whose presence will be helpful and who you will feel comfortable with.

Thats it.

No one else needs to be there. No matter what issues they may or may not have.

You don't need to have anyone around you during labour, that YOU don't want to be there. It is normal for your DP to be there for you. It is not usual for a parent to be there (I think, if you didn't have a DP then it would be an option, but I know people who asked their sister etc). I don't think I could have got through it without my DH being there... my DM: would have felt a bit wierd.

CuppaSarah Thu 17-Jan-13 10:10:44

I have to be VERY diplomatic with my Mum, she's already asked if she can be there in the room during labour and was very upset that I said no. Babies currently breech and if I have to have an ECV I am dreading telling her I want my DP in for the scan beforehand, not her. She got excited when she first found out she's breech since it meant she might get to see a scan. I was not impressed.

2rebecca, I could easily not tell the rest of the family about labour till little ones here, but I know Mum will be really hurt and take is personaly, so it's a little difficult. The idea of not telling anyone is really looking very appealing, I've been feeling so much pressure from Mum I haven't even reall thought about what I want during labour. I think I'd prefer to surprise everyone grin

Yup thats my mind made up. I feel really, really good about this now thanks Thankyou all you lovely people!!

Doingakatereddy Thu 17-Jan-13 10:12:59

My DM is very similar, we made the mistake if calling get when I went into labour.

After 26 hours of labour, my mother had called midwife desk every half hour hysterical & they had to STOP the induction & ask DH to call her as no mums could get through & she was 'endangering life'. I kid you not

DO NOT CALL. some well meaning nurse will let her in. Sorry

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 10:14:06

That's it, then. Don't tell anyone at all! Then she can't moan that she's the only one left out.

Good luck!

CuppaSarah Thu 17-Jan-13 10:17:33

Doingakatereddy that sounds awfull! I really feel for you, thats the last thing you needed then. It just cements my decision, I can't have my Mum doing the same. DP has agreed with me and seems quite releaved about it all too.

TidyDancer Thu 17-Jan-13 10:21:14

I wouldn't tell either your DM or PILs tbh. If you do want visitors at the hospital (and not everyone does) then the four hours after the baby is born that it would take for your PILs to get there would be ideal for you and your DH to spend together with your new baby.

If you're worried about your DM and her reaction, I would probably handle the situation as to reduce the stress on everyone. You don't want to deliberately exclude her, but you don't want to pander to her whim. If you have to, lie to her about visitors not being allowed, then tell her you called her as soon as you could.

I'm not one for upsetting people just to make a point, so I wouldn't in your situation tell her directly or attempt to cut her out just to 'start as you mean to go on' etc. I would handle this situation and then see how things develop. You may find that things get better when the baby is there to water down her influence. It happens. Just take it a day at a time. If a serious decision about limiting contact with her becomes the only option, at least you can say you've tried to not let it come to that.

Just don't let her in the delivery room!

2rebecca Thu 17-Jan-13 10:21:45

The fact that your mum takes things personally is her problem not yours. Don't turn her problem into your problem. If she imagines slights and insults in normal behaviour then she needs to see a psychologist and you need to tell her that she is the one seeing things oddly. If you arrange everything to avoid her ever getting upset then she won't realise how unreasonably she's behaving. If she chooses to get upset because you don't tell her about the labour instantly then that's up to her. She'll get over it.
I think you'll just have to get used to your mum getting upset more if she chooses to get upset every time she doesn't get what she wants.

zzzzz Thu 17-Jan-13 10:30:59

The first hours of life are very precious. If you are lucky you will get to gaze at your little miracle. Sometimes that doesn't happen because baby is destressed or Mum needs further help, but don't give it up for your own Mothers issues.

Your baby needs you to protect the special times, because you are the Mum, and you sound like you are going to be a very different influence on your child's life than your own Mum. Let it be about the baby.

Tell the in laws after the first feed, they will be there when you have had your babies time.

CuppaSarah Thu 17-Jan-13 10:47:36

Thank you so much for that zzzzz, as daft as it sounds that made me tear up a little.

Like everyones saying I need to stop worrying about my Mums issues and all the family and focus on the fact I'm going to be a Mum. I think I'm going to tell the family beforehand we want to be alone during labour, that way Mum's going to be able to prepare herself for it and won't be upset when the time comes and goes. Plus it takes away worrying about peoples reactions afterwards.

I'm feeling alot more positive and in control, I really was getting myself worked up for no good reason.

Katnisscupcake Thu 17-Jan-13 11:24:39

OP, my situation was somewhat different because having GD and being Induced meant that we did have a slight idea of timescales. But I told everyone up-front that as it was my first and I didn't know how I would feel after the birth, that we'd decided not to have any visitors at the hospital and that DH would let everyone know when baby had arrived.

We also told them that if I felt well enough and changed my mind about visitors we again, would let everyone know.

Not one person was funny about this, GPs included. As it turns out, pretty soon after the birth I was so thrilled and excited that I text everyone myself and then asked my Mum if she would come in (no MIL offended at this because I don't have one sad). Again, no-one was put out or offended and once home that night, arranged for visitors to come over the next week. Didn't have any pressure or stress from anyone. Everyone totally understood how I felt (and having all been through it themselves knew how unpredictable labours/births can be and that everyone feels differently about immediate visitors...).

So maybe take this approach upfront.

Tailtwister Thu 17-Jan-13 11:25:39

Definitely don't tell her until the baby has arrived. The last thing you need is her making things difficult during labour and it might get very fraught if the nurses or your DH has to tell her off. Kinder all around to keep her at arm's length.

DontmindifIdo Thu 17-Jan-13 11:52:19

BTw - I have a DM who's a bit of a drama llama and likes everything to be about her (although not to the same extent as yours!!!). I have found since becoming a mother myself, I've had a lot less paitence for her crap. I've got much better at cutting her dead. After my recent miscarriage became all about her (long dull and irritating story), this pregnancy I've bearly seen them, and I have no intention of getting them anywhere near as involves as they want to be. It is entirely her own fault she's seeing less of us, her desire to be the centre of everything has lead to her being less involved, not more.

You might find you get your mummy tiger backbone too and stop giving a shit. It's a great feeling.

As someone else said, her problems are her problems, you might have been raised to believe it's your job to keep her happy, but once you hold that gorgeous new baby in your arms you'll realise that tihs is your priorty and nothing else matters. You won't have the same headspace for her and suddenly all that will matter is that child.

You will probably be feeling vunerable after giving birth, make sure your DH knows to be a 'gate keeper' and if he has to block your mum's access to you, then so be it.

IdiotishPrattle Thu 17-Jan-13 12:15:31

YANBU
I'm glad you've made you're decision not to tell anyone when you go into labour, I think its the right choice.
You need to be able to concentrate on you, not be worrying about other people and how they might behave etc.
For my first baby, labour started in the evening, took ages and the last thing I would have wanted was to be harassed by family members, so we told none of them where we were. It was bad enough when Dd was born, as my sister kept ringing the ward for in the early hours for updates, until told to desist by DH, after complaints from the Nursing staff. I was so blush about it.

Pigsmummy Thu 17-Jan-13 12:18:25

Don't tell anyone when you into labour. Explain it after "that everything went so fast" and that the midwives were only focusing on you and baby.

Pandemoniaa Thu 17-Jan-13 12:23:56

I have to be VERY diplomatic with my Mum, she's already asked if she can be there in the room during labour and was very upset that I said no.

What a bizarre expectation! Giving birth isn't a spectator sport. It never occurred to me that I'd want anyone other than my then dh present at the birth.

When my dgd was born I'd have been astonished to be asked to witness the birth. This was a precious (in the right sense of the word) and private time that my ds2 and ddil shared. Admittedly, he did phone me to say she'd be having a cs in 10 minutes and would I like to drive over to the hospital straightaway but this wasn't in order for me to witness the cs!

I'm not someone who likes to deliberately upset people either but in your case, OP, you have to weigh up the importance of giving birth the ay that you and your DP have decided over her completely unreasonable demands.

Bunbaker Thu 17-Jan-13 12:27:14

Unless someone has other children that they need childcare for I really cannot understand why anyone needs to tell anyone else that they are in labour. I only told one person and that was only because my waters went while I was talking to her on the phone. She was a friend from work and kept ringing the hospital to see how I was getting on.

It really isn't difficult to not tell anyone. Switch your mobiles off and go to hospital - end of.

If your mother has issues with not being the centre of attention she will have a rude awakening after the baby is born.

I agree with 2rebecca about not making your mum's problem into your own.

Aniseeda Thu 17-Jan-13 14:22:45

It sounds like your mum is going to create drama whatever you do, so do what is best for you at the time and deal with her later. If her feelings are hurt, well hard luck, I'm afraid. This time it's all about you, your baby and your DH and everyone else needs to sort themselves out.

ErrorError Thu 17-Jan-13 14:36:27

My Mum used to be a midwife and I still wouldn't want her there! Procedures have changed a lot since she last delivered a baby, and I know she'd probably get faffy or try to take over. If I were you I'd just announce the birth. But if you must, the later you tell her you're in labour, the less time it gives her to make a scene!

elliejjtiny Thu 17-Jan-13 14:40:06

Personally I wouldn't tell your mum or your inlaws until the baby is born. Assuming that you don't want a visit from your inlaws with a cord hanging out of your fanjo and sat in a pool of blood then you don't need to phone them before the birth.

RuleBritannia Thu 17-Jan-13 16:01:43

My next door neighbour was the first to know. I was out shopping with her one morning a week before due date and I suddenly felt water trickling down my legs into my winter boots! My waters had broken. She walked me home and we called the midwife (home birth 100 years ago). My DS was born at dawn the next day with only the midwife and my then now ex DH present in the bedroom and I shouted to him to,"Get out." I just didn't want anyone there except the midwife. The neighbour spent the night downstairs with my DH hmm and was there to help with clearing up. (She had to teach my XDH how to wrap the placenta in newspaper and put it on the fire).

We didn't have a telephone then so used another neighbour's to telephone my parents who came later that day - they had a car. My DM stayed for 10 days to 'look after me'. Then MIL came 50 miles by public transport for a further 10 days for the same. Everything went swimmingly not that I use those boots now.

RuleBritannia Thu 17-Jan-13 16:02:09

my then now ex DH

polkadotsrock Thu 17-Jan-13 16:37:51

I had my mum and dh with me but drew the line at mil inviting herself! Glad you've made a choice that feels right. Good luck smile

thegreylady Thu 17-Jan-13 16:52:14

Just you and your dp at the hospital and text the others when dc is born.Good Luck.

exoticfruits Thu 17-Jan-13 16:58:08

I don't think it is an occasion for mothers- they have already had the experience! Just ignore, smile and nod and tell her afterwards.

MummytoKatie Thu 17-Jan-13 20:39:40

We told two sets of people. The friend who was supposed to be coming over that day (who sent a good luck text and left us to it) and MIL as FIL had just been rushed to hospital with a heart problem and was phoning us in a panic and said 'I'll call you in an hour to let you know how dad is" just as we were loading up the car.

My parents had no clue. Which, quite frankly was a good thing as dd got stuck, it all took days, there was emergency procedures and haemorrhages. MIL was frantic. My parents were in the pub, asleep and at Sainsburys. They were so much happier.

Ragwort Thu 17-Jan-13 20:43:48

Don't tell anyone, why is it so common these days to 'announce' when you go into labour? Am I being naive but unless you need child/pet/elderly relative care surely NO ONE needs to know? confused.

I didn't tell anyone when I had my DS - DH & I went to hospital, I gave birth by EMCS I came round, after a few hours I phoned my parents and DH phoned his mother, no one insisted on visiting immediately, everyone was very respectful.

Floweryhat Thu 17-Jan-13 20:45:31

Stop giving your mum info. Be vaguer. This is only going to get worse after the baby's here. There's nothing to take th spotlight away like a gorgeous newborn. My mum is like this. Since having kids I have kept her at more and more of a distance. Being a mum myself has highlighted even further to me her deficiencies, unfortunately. I have enough to deal with bringing up my own kids without her angsting all over me all the time. Stop playing into her hands by giving her so much detail. If you need the ecv just don't tell her when it is, or better yet, don't tell her about it at all. Either baby will stay as it is, or 'yes it's fab, baby's turned!' wink

OpheliasWeepingWillow Thu 17-Jan-13 20:47:11

Just say there wasn't time. We didn't tell anyone until dd was 8 hours old. Didn't answer the telephone, just met dd and worked out what it was like to be a family. I think your sanity and comfort during the birth is more important than the risk of upsetting your mother. This is YOUR body, your birth, your baby.

TinyDancingHoofer Thu 17-Jan-13 21:04:32

YANBU! And you don't have to give reasons. No one has a right to be at the birth, except you.

SantiagoSky Thu 17-Jan-13 22:05:09

Hi,

I have a mom similar to yours, and on the day I knew the baby would arrive soon I told here that everything was fine when she phoned. We went to the hospital a few hours later (in the evening), and the baby was there the next morning. Only a few hours later I felt like telling anyone.

I had a similar experience as DontmindifIdo. Once my baby was there I had way less time and patience to deal with my mom's problems. I found out that the easiest is to always tell her that everything is fine, because she will make a big deal about her feeling sooo bad because she is soooo worried hmm. And I am only seeing now that she was always like this (maybe not as bad when she was younger) and I am a bot sorry for my younger self.

Floweryhat Thu 17-Jan-13 22:24:22

I had a similar experience as DontmindifIdo. Once my baby was there I had way less time and patience to deal with my mom's problems. I found out that the easiest is to always tell her that everything is fine, because she will make a big deal about her feeling sooo bad because she is soooo worried hmm. And I am only seeing now that she was always like this (maybe not as bad when she was younger) and I am a bot sorry for my younger self.

^^ This smile

OxfordBags Thu 17-Jan-13 22:26:57

OP, from now on, there is only one mother who you need to worry about - YOURSELF.

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 17-Jan-13 22:31:06

Good lord how do you put up with her? She sounds awful. Put yourself AND your baby first.

Dinkyblu Thu 17-Jan-13 22:38:30

Yanbu.....

Do what you feel is right and what is best for you, dh and baby.

I have similar experience in that even before I was settled down with dh my DM would always tell me she was going to be at the birth of my child....then when I actually got pregnant. I was worried and and only wanted me and dh for various reasons. My DM also likes to be the centre of everything and I just wanted it to be me,dh and baby bonding before anyone else came along...

As it happens Mother Nature meant I needed a planned c section so it took the problem away as i could only have dh there. But before I knew I needed the c section I was in your situation not wanting DM there but knowing she'd be deeply offended, hurt..ect...

As it happened it was just me and dh and even though it was a c section I liked that it was just me and dh who set eyes on our dc first. But then my DM and all other gp's came up to hosp straight away and it was abit overwhelming. Then to make things worse my DM invited all her sisters (4 of them) plus step dad and cousins even up to the hosp for visiting....there must have been 10 people around the bed while I was recovering from a c section and trying to bf....it was so awful...I couldn't believe the mw's didn't kick them out...I wanted them to!!

Anyway sorry for the Long story....Just wanted to say do what u feel is right for your little family. Your going to give birth...it's all about you, your dp and baby no one else. It's emotional enough as it is so you need to be relaxed and do what you feel is right.

Good luck and enjoy meeting your new baby :-)

Ozfrazror Thu 17-Jan-13 22:39:39

Put the blame somewhere else - I.e. tell her that your hospital only allows one birthing partner during labour so you'll let her know once you've had the baby and tell her when the first available visiting times are.
Good luck smile

Kafri Thu 17-Jan-13 22:51:03

I have birth 4 weeks ago, also my first!
I had decided not to tell anyone when things got going. I started I. Labour in the early hours then had a consultant appt that aft which I managed to go along to. He sent me straight to my birth hospital as my BP wa through the roof. I stick to my guns and didn't tell anyone - would only have worried them and regardless of BP I actually felt fine. (Aside from contractions). Had dc the following evening and loved ringing the GP's to inform them of their GP 'status'. Noone was cross I'd not said anything-they were too busy being pleased at baby's safe arrival!
All GP's came to visit the following days visiting hours (we ended up being kept in for a week as Bubs got a but poorly and needed anti biotics), otherwise if have been at home fr them to visit at a co venue t time.

Do whatever you feel you need to make your labour as easy and hassle free as possible.
I hve such fond memories of mine now (pain aside) and making the cl to GP's afterwards has adde to those memories.

Hope it all goes well for you and you are looked after as well as I was. Good luck, it's amazing!x

Yfronts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:34:17

Don't tell anyone till after? Including inlaws?

Pyrrah Fri 18-Jan-13 00:44:28

Fortunately all the GPs live too far away and respected boundaries enough not to come charging down as soon as I was in labour with DD.

Which was a good thing as I was in labour for the best part of 3 days, finally had a hideous forceps delivery and having being resuscitated, spent the next 2 days in HDU having blood transfusions and no-one except DH was allowed in.

The first visitor we did have was my mother when DD was already 4 days old.

You just never know what may happen and the last thing you want to worry about is someone expecting you to perform to a schedule.

diddl Fri 18-Jan-13 08:10:06

Your mum is an adult.

If she can´t cope with things that you do/say then she needs to get help to do so.

Why tell anyone before baby is here??

IIWY I would also get the midwives on your side and say that you love your mum but she can get a 'bit overexcited' and would they be willing to help you if things get a bit dramatic or she overstays. That you are worried about dealing with the drama while recovering from the birth.

noblegiraffe Fri 18-Jan-13 08:35:42

If you tell people you are going into labour, then when it goes on for hours, maybe days, you feel obliged to give constant updates to stop them worrying about what's going on. You don't want your first few hours with the baby to be spent texting.

Anyway, what's the rush? The baby will still be a baby for days and weeks to come, and there will be plenty of time for visits. No need to rush to be there the minute it's born. My parents live 5 hours away and I'm booked in for an ELCS, so they could easily plan to be here for the birth day. However, hospital visiting times are restricted and visiting in hospital is a bit rubbish anyway so they are not planning to come down until a couple of days after the birth when I'm out of hospital so not only can they spend some relaxed time with us, but also help out with cooking etc. For my first, I gave birth at midnight, they came down the next afternoon. No mad panicked dash!

CecilyP Fri 18-Jan-13 10:49:33

YANBU. There is no need for her to be anywhere near you in labour. Even if she was absolutely perfect in every way, she still does not need to know until baby has safely arrived.

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