To wonder what the fcuk is actually wrong with so many MIL's?

(79 Posts)
WaynettaSlobsLover Wed 16-Jan-13 23:10:57

Do they conveniently forget what it's like to have a baby and be a new mum? Why do so many make comments about weight? Why do they assume some wives and gf's can't cook or are lazy? Please God never let me become one of these people.

usualsuspect Wed 16-Jan-13 23:12:47

Maybe MILS wonder what the fuck is wrong with so many DILS?

My boyfriend's mum is lovely, I'm looking forward to her being my MIL one day smile

SkinnybitchWannabe Wed 16-Jan-13 23:15:00

Ive got three sons and Im determined to be the perfect MIL!
I just need to know what a perfect MIL actually is!

WorraLiberty Wed 16-Jan-13 23:15:42

In my experience it's often 50-50

Some DILs see the MIL as a 'threat' for the love of their DH and therefore they can do nothing right...even if they do or say exactly the same as their own mother they're automatically in the wrong somehow.

I feel sorry for a lot of men who get caught up between their wives an their mum's bickering to be honest...especially if they're expected to take sides.

On the other hand, some MILs are completely insane...though the same could be said for the DILs I suppose.

<< Equalist >>

WaynettaSlobsLover Wed 16-Jan-13 23:16:11

Well I know you would UsualSuspect, since you are a mil. grin

usualsuspect Wed 16-Jan-13 23:17:12

ah , but I only have SILs, I don't have any DILs yet.

Hobbitation Wed 16-Jan-13 23:18:21

Fucked up mother-son relationships, that's what. Sons who can do no wrong, grow up to think they are God's gift. Who have never had to lift a finger. Poor DILs. Mums of boys: please do NOT bring up your boys like this.

WorraLiberty Wed 16-Jan-13 23:18:40

You don't have to be a MIL to realise that some DILs are prissy princesses though

I'm not a MIL and I can see it

I have friends who have had 2 or 3 MILs in their lives and never got on with any of them...sometimes it's as though their primary aim is to 'get their man away from her'... similar to pissing on his leg and marking territory.

WaynettaSlobsLover Wed 16-Jan-13 23:19:03

Yes it can be 50/50 but the mil should understand how scary it is to come into the family and meet the woman who brought up the love of their life. A mil should be given the utmost respect providing she deserves it. However there seems to be a lot more jealousy on the dude of the mil than the dil. The dil generally wants to just get on with life. The mil generally has a few criticisms or more that they think privately or say outwardly. That's where the problems start.

apostropheuse Wed 16-Jan-13 23:19:33

I'm beginning to think there's some truth in the old saying...

"A son's your son till he takes a wife
A daughter's your daughter for all of her life"

grin

Cailinsalach Wed 16-Jan-13 23:21:25

I am a mil to two sons' partners. They are the two most wonderful women in my life and dil1 is such a brilliant Mum to my pfgc.
I dont see them very often, live in a different country, and I suspect that may be the foundation of our mutual admiration.

WaynettaSlobsLover Wed 16-Jan-13 23:21:29

Dils should show more respect sometimes, I agree. From the culture my mil is from, I'm obliged not to argue with her. That hasn't exactly worked, but I still give her a hell of a lot of respect, but her little gifts now and then and make effort to see her etc.

WaynettaSlobsLover Wed 16-Jan-13 23:22:26

Cailin I bet they love you too

apostropheuse Wed 16-Jan-13 23:22:35

I think the MIL's must be doing something ok. They produced and raised sons that their DIL's wanted to marry.

It's all a bit bizarre really.

AlfalfaMum Wed 16-Jan-13 23:22:39

Titsalina we all think that before... grin

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 16-Jan-13 23:23:18

I heart my MIL. She rocks.

WaynettaSlobsLover Wed 16-Jan-13 23:25:33

About the 'mummy's boys' thing, that is a massive issue for some dils. That's why my four year old can make his own toast, helps me do washing and clears up his toys. In dh's culture, boys are waited upon by mummy.

Cailinsalach Wed 16-Jan-13 23:30:35

I have a strategy! I decided that whoever my sons loved, I would too. I also decided that I would never criticise or be negative in any way despite perhaps holding a contrary opinion. I also approach every dil situation with a " how canI support you" philosophy. So far so good.

ceeveebee Wed 16-Jan-13 23:31:09

I had a good relationship with MIL until I had children. Then the interfering started.

WaynettaSlobsLover Wed 16-Jan-13 23:32:28

Cailin, I ask you on behalf of many of us, please set up workshops or something. There would be a revolution

Pandemoniaa Wed 16-Jan-13 23:36:49

I love both my ddsil. It never occurred to me that I'd signed up to a Monstrous Regiment when my sons fell in love with them. They seem to like me too. But then we don't do interference in our family. We do mutual respect.

Interestingly my ex-MIL hated me and I her. My ex-H was her Golden Child, could do no wrong, perfection actually a lying druggie. Her other DIL she loved and DIL loved her. This was the wife of the Black Sheep hardworking family man. When I was getting divorced, DBIL was the only one who asked how I was and said it all must he hard for me. I married the wrong brother.

wiltingfast Wed 16-Jan-13 23:40:48

Well you don't wxactly have a scientific sample on MN though do you? Internet naturally a younger generation's game, dils with nice/good/wonderful/average mils aren't using MN to vent about it. So not v balanced.

Plus personally I think the mils get an unfairly hard time tbh. Take the new baby scenario, it's just so alien to me that you would set about excluding closest family such as your husband's mother. I think a lot of dils forget that it is not all about them. The same dils would be on here giving out madly if their mother was being excluded. All a bit mad imo.

Backtobedlam Wed 16-Jan-13 23:41:00

YANBU-I'm going to be a brilliant mil as I know so many things not to do. May have to write them down though in case I forget in old age.

Pandemoniaa Thu 17-Jan-13 00:01:02

Internet naturally a younger generation's game,

Er, no. Some of us were using computers before the internet was invented. In fact, an older generation actually invented it. So we aren't all doddery old gimmers who get confused by technology.

Although you wouldn't expect a balanced survey to be conducted on AIBU anyway.

wonkylegs Thu 17-Jan-13 00:02:17

My MIL is fab, my mum however is seriously hard work.

ZooAnimals Thu 17-Jan-13 00:03:30

I think all mothers are the same, you just tolerate it better from you own DM, or possibly you've grown up around their strange ways so the 'eccentricities' don't notice as much as MIL's.

WaynettaSlobsLover Thu 17-Jan-13 00:09:29

So does anyone else here have a mil from a different culture?

Sailormercury Thu 17-Jan-13 00:09:40

My MIL got my DS a cat toy for Xmas angry

SignoraStronza Thu 17-Jan-13 00:09:53

My MIL is awesome.grin Get on with her so much better than my own mother in fact.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 00:11:51

Ds is 17, he's got his first girlfriend and he's staying with the family tomorrow night.
Waaaaah.

redandwhitesprinkles Thu 17-Jan-13 00:19:12

I love my mil just find she had no social boundaries. We live away from both parents and mine say I'd there anything we can do? She ( not my fil!) washes things in machine tat ate hand wash-I have said-don't you b washing ( on pain of death and I don't like it and it is ignored).

I have friends the same age ad my mil and they are fab....,

TameGaloot Thu 17-Jan-13 00:25:23

I agree with worra
And I'm a dil with three young sons
Wish me luck

TheSecondComing Thu 17-Jan-13 00:31:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frasersmummy Thu 17-Jan-13 00:32:44

You have grown up with your own mum she understands you better than anyone and you understand her. You know when you can stand your ground and you know when to leave well alone
With my mum we could have a blazing row and know that it would all be ok the next day (well sometimes it took a few days when she was being stubborn.. not me NOOOI'm not stubborn grin

But with inlaws you dont have the same level of understanding and the love isnt unconditional

so it makes harder to deal with conflict.

Of course you are not endeared to your mil when you decide to try and get things out in the open and say .. look why dont you like me and what can i do to change that and the reply you get is..

you are not good enough for my son you live in a council house, you arent slim and you arent blonde.. thats what I want for my son

Delayingtactic Thu 17-Jan-13 00:49:48

I'm from a different culture to my MIL and we get on well. There was some teething issues at the beginning but her (and my FIL) have gone out of their way to help me personally and me and DH as a unit. They've even put themselves massively out to help my dsis. I have to say I don't think I show my appreciation enough, especially given the horror stories on here.

This is all despite the fact that DH is her only child.

JusticeCrab Thu 17-Jan-13 01:01:40

Luckily, my DM and my DW get on very well. My MIL has a LOT of issues, some of which can be really frustrating at times - particularly her issues around food - but it's because she's had a rough life, and she's basically a good sort. I don't know how she's going to act when the baby comes, though.

aurynne Thu 17-Jan-13 02:48:00

I think the secret of a good MIL-DIL relationship is for both parties to admit and recognize they are just adult human beings, both deserving of the same consideration and respect as if they were strangers meeting in a third party's house. None of them has the God-given right to tell the other what to do or what to think.

My soon-to-be-MIL is from a different culture to mine. She is fantastic. She minds her own business and I mind mine. My DM, on the other hand, is a controlling-interfering kind of woman. Thank goodness she never has had sons, and that she lives in a different country!

waynetta - yes, I do, why?

She's lovely.

Same qualities make for a horrible relationship whether you're a DIL or a MIL - not being able to be tolerant and pleasant and try to like someone. I don't think it's rocket science.

AdoraBell Thu 17-Jan-13 03:00:25

Mine thinks she is the matriarch, simple as that. She's the boss, I'm supposed to be a good little girl and do/eat/read/raise DC/shop as she says, oh and live where she says too, and defer to her instead of have an opinion of my own. It would also be good if I could do all that without taking her son awaywink

I did find it amusing when her own son (my OH) told her that she is the reason he moved across the planet.

ripsishere Thu 17-Jan-13 03:04:03

My late MiL was a horrible nasty jealous women. I married her golden child. She never forgave me for that.
I have extra lists of transgressions that she actually wrote out and posted to me.
Not sure where they went TBH.

aurynne Thu 17-Jan-13 04:13:19

ripsishere that's a pity they got lost. I would actually frame them and use them for general hilarity during family gathering and parties!

mynewpassion Thu 17-Jan-13 04:19:49

The question, I am sure, many son-in-laws ask just as many daughter-in-laws. There are more women on this forum than men so we just don't hear the other MIL stories.

Loveweekends10 Thu 17-Jan-13 04:30:17

No my MIL is fab. She had 6 kids but has only ever been really helpful to me.

humblebumble Thu 17-Jan-13 04:35:09

My MIL is great. She has always been very supportive of us and she truly loves her DGC and both my DH and me. She can be a pain too. She isn't perfect, but nor am I.

IceNoSlice Thu 17-Jan-13 04:46:27

My MIL is great (so is FIL for that matter). I agree with the poster who said that the good ones just don't get talked ranted about that much compared to the insane ones. Folks is just folks, some nice some not so nice.

ripsishere Thu 17-Jan-13 04:50:07

Yes, can't imagine which bin I put it into.
It was all to do with me stifling his employment chances by forcing him to drive a bus when he'd been to Oxford, not giving him children which were rightfully his, not converting to catholicism, not ironing his bus drivers uniform, not cooking a meal for him every night, not changing my surname to theirs.......................
She overlooked the fact that I was working much longer hours than him, he wasn't fussed about either children or ironed clothes and he has two hands to cook with.

ComposHat Thu 17-Jan-13 04:58:29

What you get on here is one sided of a story, in a stormy relationship with a MIL they have got free reign to paint themselves as the wronged party and to paint the mother in law as the villain of the piece. - I imagine that if this was MothersinLawnet, it would be filled with tales of ungrateful, spiteful and generally unpleasant daughters in law.

AlienReflux Thu 17-Jan-13 05:11:59

I've had some really tough times with my MIL. She's strange in the extreme, and has been awful in times of need, like when I gave birth 2 months early and she came to see baby in NICU and blamed me, because I had been to see a band while pregnant.

That's just one of many,, I've always tolerated her, and always make an effort, she's my DPs mum, and I'm not convinced she hasn't got MH issues.

Coralanne Thu 17-Jan-13 05:26:39

I said on another thread that I don't know any MIL's who interfere in their DC's lives.

WRONG, I have ONE friend (who coincidentially doesn't work). The rest of my MIL friends work full time.

Her DD has sat on a pedestal from the day she was born. When DD married, her DH joined her there.

However, this is where it gets interesting. Her DS met a girl online , starting going out with her and 12 months later they are engaged and living together.

Friend is constantly criticising this poor girl for doing exactly the same things that her DD's DH does. (are you still with me grin)

She's a slob, a pig, eats too much junk. Never cleans up after herself.

I think she is a lovely very attractive girl and get on really well with her. She's also extremely good for friend's DS. Gives him lots of attention, encourages him to go for things he wants.

exoticfruits Thu 17-Jan-13 05:38:27

The dreadful MIL is the parent who won't let go- there are lots of women on here like it! Being a parent is about giving responsibility and independence in a gradual, age related way, so that by 18yrs they are making their own decisions. Too many mothers seem to think that they can map out a life and tell their DC what to believe! DSs, in particular, often just let her and then there is trouble when DIL won't!
However there are some very difficult DILs around too, the sort who seem to think DH is a foundling and she can have him without having anything to do with parents, grandparents, cousins, siblings etc.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 05:42:29

My mil is lovely. We'll never be "close", she hasn't really a warm person. But she babysits and gives advice when asked and otherwise keeps her mouth shut.

My mom on the other hand... hmm

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 05:43:21

*isn't

Glittertwins Thu 17-Jan-13 06:51:21

I used to get on well with MIL until she and FIL started to interfere in our lives because they could do exactly that with their daughter and her now ex husband by financially controlling them (they were perfectly willing to take it). Then when they were asked not to interfere by DH they pretty much ignored the fact they had a son.
I think my mum can be a right pain at times but DH thinks he has a good MIL.

OrangeLily Thu 17-Jan-13 07:01:34

My MIL is good! We're very similar which in some ways is great but occasionally we can butt heads. Thankfully we are both very polite and respectful about it.

My poor DH has a crazy MIL, my mum has had a really bad time stabilising her moods around menopause and its been a tough few years. She was a bit mental before but nothing this bad. We're trying to forgive and forget but it's difficult.

HecateWhoopass Thu 17-Jan-13 07:03:46

My mother in law is wonderful. I love her so much. You could just sink into those arms and stay in them forever. I honestly have never in my life met anyone with a presence that is more comforting.

I remember when she came over to stay, when my first child was a few months old. I was really stressed one time because I couldn't get him to take his milk. Me and my mother in law don't speak the same language but she clearly got what was going on because she said something and held out her arms and sort of beckoned. I practically chucked him at her! grin

She said something to him, tipped him a bit and he drank the lot, no problem and fell asleep grin

She has no idea how close I came to burning her passport and forcing her to stay forever grin

My own mother, otoh, is and always has been a bit crap grin bless her. If she was my mother in law, she'd be a classic one wink

I think people generally are nicer/more forgiving to their own mothers. Behaviour that would earn your mother in law the label 'toxic' is justified, excused, accepted or just plain not noticed if it's your mother.

And what is loving involvement from your mother - eg phoning you loads, coming round, wanting to be a big part of your life - is seen as overwhelming, interfering... from your mother in law.

A comment from your mother is helpful
The same comment from your mother in law is critical

Your mother coming over every day is fine. She's your mum!
Your mother in law coming over every day is Just Too Much...

Some mother in laws never let go of their sons and think they should come first
Some daughter in laws think that their own mother is more family to their own family unit than the mother of their husband is.

And then there are the actual horrible people. On either side. The control freaks. The ones who believe they're still in charge. Those who don't recognise their offspring as independent adults.

Then you've got the out and out bonkers.

kiwigirl42 Thu 17-Jan-13 07:11:41

I am so lucky with my MIL. She is a lovely, kind, considerate lady who loves me and, most importantly, is a wonderful grandmother. She will do anything for me at the drop of a hat and tries not to interfere.
You can have my mother though and I'd hate to be her daughter in law.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Thu 17-Jan-13 07:15:01

Another one with an awesome MIL.

I want to live with her...

Smudging Thu 17-Jan-13 07:16:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarice Thu 17-Jan-13 07:22:26

I have a fab MiL.

She has never interfered, criticised or been anything other than a loving Nan despite only living 10 minutes down the road.

As long as her bingo nights aren't disrupted she's always there grin if we need her!

exoticfruits Thu 17-Jan-13 07:31:48

I think that what Hecate says is so very, very true. Behaviour that is easily tolerated, or even welcomed and seen as good, is the exact opposite if it happens to be MIL!
It can't be that mothers of DDs are so much better than mothers of DSs!

Brugmansia Thu 17-Jan-13 08:35:47

I'm not sure it's a case of necessarily tolerating or welcoming the same behaviour from your own mother, or not a lot of the time. With your own mother you know how to manage the situation, so know when you can be a bit more blunt or gently humour them while actually ignoring what they've said or done. It's different with MILs. You don't have the same depth of relationship and have to establish where the boundaries are. That in turn will be affected by the existing relationship between MIL and DP.

thegreylady Thu 17-Jan-13 08:46:41

I love my ddils. I have 3 two sddils and one 'blood' who is from another culture. They are all amazing. I have had one row with Turkish ddil in 17 years and none with other two. I feel lucky, they seem to like me and make me welcome when I visit.
I love my dsil too-what's wrong with me?

EmpireBiscuit Thu 17-Jan-13 08:58:01

Jealous of all these lovely MILs - my DH was told (on hearing we were moving in together) "you are an idiot". A marriage and pregnancy later "it doesn't matter what happens to Empire now, as long as the baby arrives healthy".

Charming woman!

ceeveebee Thu 17-Jan-13 09:01:19

My own mum knows me well enough to know when to back off. My MIL doesn't.
My mum appreciates that DH and I are in charge of our family and we know what is best for our DCs. My MIL doesn't. In fact I get so annoyed at the way she speaks to DH as if he hasn't got a clue about parenting, I don't know how he keeps his mouth shut.
Also in my family we are generally pretty straight talking, whereas in DHs family there's lots of passive-aggressive behaviour which really winds me up.

wigglesrock Thu 17-Jan-13 09:03:39

I love my MIL a lot, she loves me, absolutely loves my children - we've worked at our relationship. She wasn't so fussed on me 20 years ago but we sorted that out. My husbands MIL on the other hand - she is slightly more work.

Nancy66 Thu 17-Jan-13 09:03:45

Another one whose MIL is far warmer, kinder, more helpful and less judgemental than her own mother.

My MIL is great fun, very modern-thinking and terrific company. We're having a weekend together in Copenhagen soon and i can't wait.

Most recent text from MIL: What a busy day you've had, hope you are putting your feet up with a big glass of red wine.

Most recent text from mother: Your auntie Margaret's birthday card arrived two days late. Why didn't your post it earlier?

RugBugs Thu 17-Jan-13 09:03:58

Mine is used to being in control and over the years has come to take silence as assent.
It doesn't help that her daughter is quite happy to leave her to make important decisions about her Dgd.
I have a sneaky feeling she accessed my hospital notes when DD was born (she could have easily requested through her job and knows stuff I didn't until I reviewed them with midwife this month).

CatsRule Thu 17-Jan-13 09:13:53

Hobbitation you got in in one I think!

My mil spent a long time complaining about how she didn't want her son...my dh...and how he ruined her life etc. Then when he left, after being kicked out several times, and made a life for himself with me it suddenly all became my fault. I had stole her pfb! Wtf!

I'm being really brief as it would take days to go through all the vile things she has actually said and done to both dh and I.

She has taught me about what not to do when/if I become a mil myself...I've said it before but I will strive to be a good one which would be the polar opposite of her.

thesnowmanrocks Thu 17-Jan-13 09:34:53

My dh didn't really have a relationship with his mother. Packed off to boarding school for being bit unruly. She had 5 kids, he was eldest of 4 boys. Other's were her golden children. 1 stil lives with her at 45 never left, does everything for him. Dh doesn't even get a call on his b'day!
When her gs came along she couldn't be around enough and thought she could dictate. Resulting now no relationship at all.
She has shown me not what do and how hopfully in future I can be a good mil.

pebbles1234 Thu 17-Jan-13 09:36:52

I'm one of the lucky ones, Both my parents in law are amazing! So supportive and helpful we choose to live a few minutes away from them... On the other hand I chose over a decade ago to live several hundred miles away from my own mum... Probably says it all!!

NUFC69 Thu 17-Jan-13 09:46:05

Op, I think we (GMs) do remember what it was like to be a new mum and it wasn't like it is now! When I had both of my DC I was in hospital for over a week - we weren't thrown out of hospital the same day or 24 hours later. Of course if you have been in hospital for so long when you go home you are in a different state to when you are released after x-number of hours. Also we didn't have all the information at our finger tips which people have these days - we just had to get on with things to the best of our ability and subsequently some of those things have been found to be not good for the baby.

I meet some women for lunch occasionally and I was staggered to find that half of them have big issues with their DiLs - to me these are well-adjusted, kind people and I have great difficulty in hearing some of their stories.

I think most of us MiLs try very hard to keep our DILs on side - we are very aware that our relationship with our sons and GC is reliant on their goodwill. I am very fortunate that I have a lovely SiL and DiL and I feel very sorry for all of you who don't get on with your families.

N0tinmylife Thu 17-Jan-13 09:48:28

I think its completely natural to feel more comfortable with your own Mum. She is after all the person who taught you most of what you know about being a Mum. It is, as other people have said, far easier to dismiss your own mum when they tell you you are doing something wrong or if you don't agree. There is no need for pretense, or politeness.

It is always going to be a trickier relationship with someone who is just as close to your DC, but you did not directly choose, and you just don't know as well. That's not to say it can't be good, but it is not likely to come as easily.

I say that as someone who is lucky enough to have a lovely MIL!

mum23girlys Thu 17-Jan-13 09:51:56

I have a fab mil and fil. They would do anything for us and always seem to know when we need them. They would both drop everything for any of us. Mil is funny and when dh and I got engaged she said right from the start if she ever oversteps the mark then I was to say rather than getting pissed off and letting it fester. But to be honest they are both just lovely generous people with big hearts and strong family values. I feel very blessed to have brought children into such a lovely family.

I was engaged before though and had horrific inlaws to be. Also my mil's mil is awful and mil has had terrible time over the years so maybe has learnt from that too

trofeewife Thu 17-Jan-13 09:55:39

it's 50-50
the bridezillas who have to have the perfect wedding day with everything their way (sod the groom) go on to be nightmare DIL's who put their own mother's first and have to have everything their way (sod the father)

BartletForTeamGB Thu 17-Jan-13 10:02:14

My MIL is great, does a bit of fretting and isn't great at cooking, but she is lovely. My mother however is entirely caught up in herself & the favourite daughter.

CatsRule Thu 17-Jan-13 10:16:20

In my sleep deprived haze I meant to say I only agree with your first sentence Hobbitation of "Fucked up mother-son relationships, that's what." My dh isn't golden boy and I am not going to bring my son up that way either. Dh and his mother do have a very fucked up relationship though...and aparently it's all my fault!

Andro Thu 17-Jan-13 10:33:05

I've got on really well with my MIL, a brief period of her being completely irrational not withstanding (that was a whole different thread though). I was ecstatic when we later found out her horrible, insulting comments, were the result of a bad reaction to some steroids prescribed by her doctor (they sent her grief and pain into overload and the results were not nice for anyone). She was mortified when her meds were changed and she went back to her normal personality.

She raised her children well and DH is a wonderful man who I am proud to call my husband, for that I will always respect her.

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