to not want to tell people the sex of my baby?

(208 Posts)
CheerfulYank Wed 16-Jan-13 22:46:13

I'm due in May. DH and I know the sex but would like to keep it to ourselves. (I want to have the big "it's a boy/it's a girl" moment in the hospital. blush)

My mother keeps asking me about it, sending me emails of things that are stereotypical "boy" or "girl" things and asking if she should buy them.

She has a friend who does exquisite linens for nurseries and has offered to make some for me. My mom said on the phone "I haven't even messaged her about anything recently because she'll want to know about the bedding and I don't know what color to tell her!" I said "can't you tell her in May? The baby will sleep in with us for awhile anyway so I'm not concerned about the nursery." Apparently not, though. hmm

My brother, whom I have a difficult relationship with anyway, hates secrets or surprises of any kind. He sent me a few Facebook message saying "I don't get it" and "is this some "thing" people do now?" This is his way...he tries to make me feel stupid until I agree with him or do what he wants.

Even my best friends are talking about how they'll "get it out of me" and the general consensus seems to be that I'm being selfish. sad

AIBU not to tell? I just want to keep it between us and the few random mumsnetters I've told for awhile. Plus our pfb has been an only for almost six years and we are trying to include him as much as possible, so we were thinking he could make the announcement.

squeakytoy Wed 16-Jan-13 22:47:50

your own fault for telling people that you knew... why on earth didnt you tell them that you wanted it to be a surprise..

orangepudding Wed 16-Jan-13 22:49:09

You should have told them you didn't find out the sex. I get annoyed when people tell me they know but won't say, don't know why but I do!

Tell her the colours; green; yellow; red; cream; teal (my choice). My MIL wanted to know the sex. It was very sad because she had terminal cancer and wanted to buy some things in the 'right' colour as she was given 6 months to live when I was three months pregnant. Unfortunately the bastards in this country wouldn't tell me the gender. Fortunately, she lived to meet DD and buy her lots of pink clothes!

Don't tell, keep them guessing.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 22:52:08

I think YABatinybitU.

If you hadn't let on that you know, then it would have been OK. But I can see that it's really frustrating for friends and family.

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne Wed 16-Jan-13 22:52:34

Congratulations on the pregnancy btw.

spongeypants Wed 16-Jan-13 22:52:48

Oh dear, you have a few more months of this yet. You should have kept the fact you know a secret.

Isn't the its a boy/girl thing lost when you actually know? Though somebody I know was told 90% its a girl and it was a boy so maybe it will be a surprise.

shesariver Wed 16-Jan-13 22:54:17

I kind of think YABU, why on earth did you let on you knew if you didnt want to tell people?!

MsVestibule Wed 16-Jan-13 22:54:26

Yep, second and third squeaky and orange. You should have just told people you didn't ask the sonographer. Otherwise it's a bit like "we've got a secret, na na na na na na".

Having said that, if your friends and family know you want to keep it quiet, they should just wind their necks in. The trouble is, they're now going to be a bit pissed off, so the big "it's a boy/it's a girl" moment in the hospital. is unlikely to go as well as you'd hoped...

shesariver Wed 16-Jan-13 22:55:21

Oh just read this again I want to have the big "it's a boy/it's a girl" moment in the hospital - dont get this if you already know the sex? confused

Cailinsalach Wed 16-Jan-13 22:57:25

I think having your ds announce it when you are ready to tell the world is a brilliant idea. Your family: your business. Do it your way.

bedmonster Wed 16-Jan-13 22:58:33

You sound like a control freak tbh wink

I want to have the big "it's a boy/it's a girl" moment in the hospital.

Why? For who? You already know don't you? Your Mum is just asking as she wants to get some stuff. Other people really don't care as much as you. And, well, you already know confused

All this secretiveness after you've told people you know just seems a bit attention seeking. And why not just tell your pfb now?

Sorry, seems harsh when I don't mean it, but why would you tell people you know if you actually wanted to keep it to yourself?

Pourquoimoi Wed 16-Jan-13 22:59:12

YANBU. It's your right to tell or not tell but perhaps it'd have been easier to tell people you didn't know.
I had people constantly asking with DS2, we genuinely didn't know the sex before he was born but had many scans for medical reasons so my mum thought we knew and weren't telling. It was really annoying as we genuinely didn't know but if I had known I'd probably have wanted to keep it to ourselves. There isn't a lot to announce at the birth if you've already told everyone it's a girl you're calling Sarah is there??

catinboots Wed 16-Jan-13 23:01:07

What bedmonster said ^

5madthings Wed 16-Jan-13 23:02:12

Aww it us hard we found out the sex with ds4 and family knew we knew but that we wanted to keep it a surprise for them. They actually wanted iut to be a surprise so were happy not to be told smile and didn't hastle to fund out.

We didn't let anyone else know that we knew.

Just tell them you are keeping it a surprise, end of discussion.

But you were a bit draft for letting them know thast you know.

Will you tel me?! Go on pm me!! grin

Thundercatz Wed 16-Jan-13 23:07:49

Agree with bedmonster in the nicest way. I know some people who've done this "we know but won't tell" and it just comes across as a bit parentzilla and attention seeking. I didn't know why but it does...Like you are trying to make the gender of your child a bigger deal to the rest of the world than it really is... A bit self important. Sorry thats just my opinion from having been on the receiving end of this!

CheerfulYank Wed 16-Jan-13 23:15:26

I lol'd at "control freak" because that's the farthest thing from me normally, but I accept that I may be in this instance. grin

I tried to tell people I didn't know but I'm a rotten liar. Plus, I'd discussed it as a hypothetical thing I might do a few years back with my best friends when we were discussing find out/not find out. A few months ago one of them actually admitted she'd done this when she had her DD two years ago, but no one knew she knew.

5madthings Wed 16-Jan-13 23:19:56

Yes its very hard to pretend you don't know!

Tell them the wrong sex.

MummytoKatie Wed 16-Jan-13 23:23:56

It's going to be very difficult to keep secret as you will start thinking he/she in your head and sooner or later it may pop out.

FWIW we found out today. Dd was with far she has happily told her ballet teacher and a friend that she is going to have a baby brother. We've told parents. I'll tell work people tomorrow. I don't see why not to tell people. It means you get an additional joyous moment. grin

HollyTheHedgehog Wed 16-Jan-13 23:24:08

So what is it?

MooncupGoddess Wed 16-Jan-13 23:26:47

Can't you say there's always a possibility of a mistake so you'd rather not say just in case?

Oh and then point out there is no reason to gender-code a tiny baby, so just to buy clothes/bedding in colours the givers like grin

Willdoitinaminute Wed 16-Jan-13 23:43:39

We knew the sex of our DS and kept it secret but at the earlier scans they got it wrong and when they eventually confirmed he was a boy we were able to tell everyone that it wasn't what we thought thereby confusing all of them.
We drove my MIL crazy by only discussing girls names. And even though he was a planned section we had the last laugh, he had to be delivered at 36 weeks because I was developing preeclampsia. So my DH had the pleasure of ringing everyone with the surprise news.
Even then he told his mum DS was a girl because she was convinced he was a boy, but she was wasn't fooled when he told we had chosen the name Marguerite.

CheerfulYank Wed 16-Jan-13 23:55:14

I guess to some degree <going to come off as a complete nutter blush> I feel bad that this baby isn't perceived as being as "special" as DS parents had no other grandchildren, PIL only had one, no one in my close circle of friends had children...and now of course all that has changed.

My bonkers mother has "jokingly" said things like "oh I don't feel like we even need another, DS is perfect" or "it better be a girl, another boy would be in DS' shadow." hmm She has also flat out said that she's sure DS will always be her favorite. (Before I got pregnant with this one)

All of that, added to being violently ill through my first trimester and then recently having a bad strain of the flu and having to have special ultrasounds and doctor's appointments... I think I'm just being over protective. That's a bit much, isn't it, helicopter parenting someone still in the womb! grin

PaellaUmbrella Thu 17-Jan-13 00:03:22

I know some people who've done this "we know but won't tell" and it just comes across as a bit parentzilla and attention seeking. I didn't know why but it does...Like you are trying to make the gender of your child a bigger deal to the rest of the world than it really is... A bit self important.

I totally agree with this, sorry.

I can understand when people don't want to find out themselves, if they want it to be a surprise - fine. But if you have actually found out, I don't understand keeping it a secret from your family. It is a bit parentzilla.

Jojobump1986 Thu 17-Jan-13 00:13:21

We found out with DS1 & hardly told anyone, although everyone knew we knew! Our main reason for not telling people was that DH's parents didn't want to know & we didn't want to get too used to saying 'him' incase we said it in front of them. DS2 is due in June & we're not going to try & keep it a secret from most people this time because it was really draining last time. PILs still insist they don't want to know which puts us in a really awkward position where we feel like we're having to lie to them! I quite liked keeping our little secret last time but it does take a lot of determination!

ZooAnimals Thu 17-Jan-13 00:30:00

Tbh I'd just tell DS now, let him tell Granny and everyone so he can be included now and then when the baby is born let him announce the name. He get's two special big brother moments and you get your family off your back.

janji Thu 17-Jan-13 00:33:28

We kept the sex of both our dc a secret just between my dh and me. Gave my family endless hours of fun/frustration guessing and trying to catch us out!!

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 00:35:03

That would be nice Zoo, I'll talk to DH about it.

The other thing is that my in laws, like Jojo's, don't want to know.

apostropheuse Thu 17-Jan-13 00:49:45


You could at least tell mumsnet the gender of your baby.


LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 01:19:10

I know you CheerfulYank, you are one of the lovelyest posters on MN.
If you want to keep the sex of your baby secret from others, that's your choice, ignore the bitchiness.
<but go on, whisper, is it a boy or a girl. shan't tell honest> grin
May's good too, it's when I was born.


Alligatorpie Thu 17-Jan-13 01:50:34

We asked dd aged 6 if she wanted to know the sex when iwas pregnant and she said no. We even took her to a 20 week scan thinking she would get excited and want to find out, but she didn't. The tech whispered to me on the way out ( after being told that I didn't want to know) so I knew.
We told people dd didn't want to find out and we were respecting that. Only a few people knew that I knew( my mom even) but no one pestered us. I just repeated that we were respecting dd1's wishes. I didn't actually slip up until I called mil to ask her to bring dd1 to the hospital to meet her sister. Luckily she didn't tell her and it was the surprise it was supposed to be.

YorkshireDeb Thu 17-Jan-13 02:00:35

I'm surprised how many people are against this - it's what we did. It was my dp who desperately wanted to keep it 'for us' & I thought it would be really difficult but was happy to support his wishes. Most people asked once & lost interest when we said we were keeping it to ourselves. By the time our ds arrived we'd slipped up so many times most people had figured it out but politely not said anything. The only ones who hadn't noticed were the ones who were desperately trying to find out. I found, interestingly, that a lot of the people who asked were the same ones who actually told me I was insane to want to find out anyway! X

aurynne Thu 17-Jan-13 02:02:42

I have always found the "we know but won't tell" a bit stupid, to be honest. Parents do realise that the rest of the world couldn't care less, don't they? And that the reaction to "it's a boy" or "it's a girl" is going to be of faked delight regardless? It is not as if the revelation of the baby's gender is going to change the speed of the expansion of the galaxies.

I only see a point in surprises when the final revelation holds at least a gram of relevance to the life of the person to whom the "truth" is revealed. Holding on the knowledge of a baby's gender until it's born is not in my list of meaningful surprises. Buy hey, perhaps I'm just a grinch.

Impatientwino Thu 17-Jan-13 02:54:15

Well I don't think you're BU for being annoyed about everyone saying they will try and get it out of you.

We knew the sex of our baby but didn't tell anyone apart from our parents (mainly as I'm shite at lying to my mum even now and if she knew we had to tell MIL too)

A lot of our friends were adamant we knew for some reason and furious we were keeping it from them! I kept insisting we didn't know but got lots of 'we'll trip you up' comments just the same!

What is it with people thinking that everything is their business! I don't get why it's so important for others to know! If someone says actually I'd rather keep it to myself that isn't a cue to start an interrogation, just move the conversation on!

It wound me up too when I was a hormonal raging maniac pregnant

Just nod and smile and tell them it's most definitely a boy.....or a girl smile

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 04:36:46

Auryenne if they don't care, why are they insisting I tell them? confused

TanteRose Thu 17-Jan-13 04:44:03

exactly! I don't get why everyone would be bothered - its a BABY! doesn't matter if its a boy or a girl

you are being perfectly reasonable CY

TELL US grin

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 05:13:12

I think part of my insistence on keeping mum is, well, my mum. grin. She often means well but can be very overbearing, and I know if she knew there'd be a constant barrage of questions about names or nursery ideas and "jokingly" telling me my ideas or choices are stupid.

She begged me not to marry DH two months before our wedding, then hung up on me a few months after when I phoned to tell her I was pregnant. (Because she's "too young" to be a grandmother...well, shouldn't have been a teen mom then! smile )

Then halfway through my pregnancy with DS she decided she was in love with the idea and began forcefully offering her choices for names.

She has since decided he is a lovely shining angelic genius who can do no wrong, while I can do plenty. She stayed with us for a week to care for DS when he was about five months old so I could look for daycare and go back to work. Everyday she told me how miserable I'd be to leave him, then burst into tears when I finalized the job and care for him because "I can't stand to think of him, just crying at a daycare!' hmm

For all her protestations of him, she now adores DH because I go and spend a weekend with friends every few months and he doesn't. "Things do have to change when you have children, Cheerful...I certainly never stayed away from you and your brother! If you have to go I don't know why you don't take DS with you!" Um...because being able to talk uninterrupted by children is the bloody POINT! smile

Lots of asking me if DH and I are having problems because "you go away so much!", lots of calling DS 'my baby' or 'my boy', lots of comments about my nap every day (which is not even true), lots of being aghast that I didn't always make sure I was up before DS to "get a start on things."

And then the recent comments about how "we" don't need another baby because we already have the perfect one, how DS will always be the favorite, etc. My dad built a beautiful crib for DS and stamped his name and birthdate on a beam on the underside. We will be using the crib for this one as well and he asked me over the phone if he should stamp "the other one's" name on as well. smile I said yes that'd be lovely and I could hear Mom in the background saying "No DS is special." confused

So I think in light of everything maybe I'd just like to keep the baby to ourselves for a bit? I dunno.

exoticfruits Thu 17-Jan-13 05:43:19

I can't see the problem. DH and I knew, but we never told anyone that we knew and no one knows 20 years later that we knew!
There is bound to be a problem if you say 'we know but we are not telling you'!

exoticfruits Thu 17-Jan-13 05:46:06

If you want to 'keep it just for yourselves' do everyone a favour and do just that. The alternative is like the small child who says 'I have a secret, but I'm not telling you!'

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 05:48:38

I didn't say that Exotic. smile I tried to lie but I am rotten at it.

exoticfruits Thu 17-Jan-13 06:02:01

I agree that it is a bit late now- you can't turn back the clock.
You could either let your DS make the announcement now, and keep them all happy, or just carry on as you are - don't discuss- smile,nod and change the subject.

YANBU - we did the same with dd1 although I told people we didn't know

For DD2, we told people we knew the sex if they asked and only told people what it was if they wanted to know (my mum didn't, others did).

At the end of the day it's your news and you should tell people if and when you want to.

Just read that this is not your first dc, what did you do with your first ds just of interest?

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Thu 17-Jan-13 06:47:28

Yab tad U, they are only excited because they know you know and are now desparate to share in the excitement!

If you want the big suprise at birth, i'm surprised you found out the sex yourselfblush

yellowsubmarine53 Thu 17-Jan-13 06:54:47

I think it's fair enough not wanting others to know, not 'selfish' at all. They'll find out eventually!

In your circumstances, I would probably want to tell my child/children so they can prepare themselves and so that they're not excluded from my and dh's 'secret' tbh. Which would inevitably involve everyone else knowing, I guess.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 06:55:37

I know Pumpkin, I couldn't resist. blush

Porridge last time we told.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 06:56:43

Yellow DS doesn't know we know. If he did and really wanted to know I'd tell him.

janey68 Thu 17-Jan-13 07:05:21

It is of course entirely up to you and your dh whether you tell people BUT I agree with the majority that it seems a bit silly to tell people you know if you then don't intend to reveal the gender. We decided we didn't want to know as we wanted surprises each time, but if we had felt we wanted to know, we would Either have just announced the sex or not told anyone we'd asked to know. We certainly wouldn't have announced that we knew but weren't saying because it just gives rise to annoying questions

janey68 Thu 17-Jan-13 07:08:42

Your mum sounds terrible btw and I certainly wouldn't be inviting her to help out with childcare this time round.

HecateWhoopass Thu 17-Jan-13 07:13:43

good god, your mother sounds hard work!

You know, you could have avoided all this by not finding out yourself grin or by laying the groundwork beforehand and being really vocal about not wanting to know, wanting the big surprise when the baby is born, etc. Then people would have expected that you didn't know and wouldn't have pressed it. grin and you also would have enjoyed the big surprise at the birth.

You're going to have to be firm.

We're NOT telling anyone. Stop asking.

Or just tell them. Have the Big Reveal now.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 07:26:17

She is quite hard work. Luckily she lives a five hour drive does wonders for our relationship. grin

She does have her good points...she adores DS and really is very funny, but God I could throttle her sometimes! smile

By doing this I was actually trying not to be precious! I have Facebook friends who have arranged entire photo shoots around the gender reveal...opening big boxes and then looking joyful as pink or blue balloons float out, having parties where everyone bites into a cupcake to reveal pink or blue filling. I thought that was all a bit much and we'd just keep it to ourselves and then have DS make the important big brother announcement at the hospital. I certainly didn't think it'd go over like this!

janey68 Thu 17-Jan-13 07:42:13

God those balloon and cupcake things sound so OTT and indulgent.
I guess to me, the bottom line it, who is the surprise for? Ultimately it's only the parents who really matter. We wanted surprises so we chose not to find out the gender and find out for ourselves as I gave birth. The gender really isn't that important to anyone else, so I suppose it seems a bit odd to me to be saying 'we didn't want a surprise ourselves but we're going to make it a surprise for you.' The balloons and cupcake things you describe sound so self important - I mean honestly I couldn't give a toss what sex other peoples babies are! And I don't mean that in an uncaring way, obviously I was glad when friends had healthy babies but I would have been stunned if any of them started doing a massive 'gender reveal'.
Anyway, as i say it's entirely up to you, but I think probably if I'm honest your friends know that YOU know so a big announcement from the hospital is not going to he as exciting for them as the sex of your baby is to you.

Hyperballad Thu 17-Jan-13 07:52:30

If ever I announce that I've arranged gender cupcakes could you lot arrange for me to be shot. Ta.

dizzy77 Thu 17-Jan-13 07:54:44

I'm interested in this as I had a very similar experience to YorkshireDeb with DS, people seemed to respect our desire to not talk about the sex even though we "knew", although frankly I was never committed to it until he arrived anyway because I'd heard it's often wrong.

Second scan next week with DC2, and we'll probably find out (DH won't engage in name debate until 50% of the possibilities are ruled out) but have yet to determine our communications strategy.

I can appreciate it may come across as a bit "I've got a secret, ner ner". Our reasoning was we didn't want to be bought lots of pink/blue things, and I didn't want to politely shrug off lots of stereotypical comments about what I could "expect" based on the baby's nominal gender: my increasing impatience towards the end of my pg leads me to believe I was actually helping people not have their heads bitten off. This time round, it almost feels worse, as already people say "Oooh I bet you're hoping for a girl this time" etc etc, all well meaning conversation lines which is starting to make me angry. I reply that we honestly don't care.

5madthings Thu 17-Jan-13 08:01:17

Oh dear cheerful your mum does sound rather umm... Trying... Anyway you know what i think you should do wink

I have seennthose crazy gender reveal parties watches far too much crap tv like teen mom etc

Tailtwister Thu 17-Jan-13 08:05:55

We had a similar problem OP, so I know how frustrating it is. We found out but had decided to keep it to ourselves. Unfortunately, DH had the fact that we knew extracted from him by his mother (nothing I could do about that) and then we weren't given a single moment's peace. In the end we had to tell DH's family, who then couldn't keep their bloody mouths shut and told everyone (including my own parents).

Stick to your guns OP if you can stand it.

themindwonders Thu 17-Jan-13 08:12:48

i skipped some replies (sorry) .. we took our dcs to scan, my ds1 said can u tell us (didnt mind) and then he told everyone (again didnt mind) .... we just refuse to tell anyone his name (prob cos i'll change my mind before may lol) i would mayb tell him now and get everyone off your back so you can enjoy the rest of ur preg

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 08:16:26

She really is 5Mad. When I finally did stop working last May she said "what's the point of stopping now, DS will be in kindergarten in another year!" After years of telling me it was awful that I worked! By the by I worked 8-12 in a school, so all afternoons, weekends and holidays off. I despair of her sometimes, I really do. smile

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 08:18:59

Will do Hyper. grin

I try not to judge the things other people do but I have to say I do give a "oh ffs" at some of the gender reveal parties...probably why I'm not invited!

DreamingOfTheMaldives Thu 17-Jan-13 08:20:00

My friend found out the sex of their baby but then didn't tell anyone. I don't know how others reacted but our group of friends were fine. There was a couple of times we jokingly tried to get us to tell her by mistake but it was just teasing. I don't think YABU at all. Your baby is a big deal to you, and would hope to your family and friends. Just tell them you want to surprise them on the day and to stop going on about it.

ll31 Thu 17-Jan-13 08:22:14

Seems ridiculous tbh, telling people we know and then not telling them. .. seems attention seeking and plain silly-sorry! But best of luck!

Figgygal Thu 17-Jan-13 08:23:14

You're making it a bigger deal than it needs to be IMO

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 08:27:20

Well it wasn't like I said "we know and you don't , ner ner ner" smile I'm just a shit liar!

Plus they all knew that I had to go in for a lengthy and high tech scan that took an hour and in which every part of the baby was photographed and measured, so it was no good telling them the Dr couldn't tell.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 08:34:17

Oh yanky you daft banana, it's because you have told people that you know the sex grin

So you are being U but I love you anyway grin

PM with details please! wink

NoTeaForMe Thu 17-Jan-13 08:41:51

I did exactly as you are doing with my first pregnancy. I was going to tell people that I didn't know the sex but as I told my mom that I didn't know she said 'well you clearly do know, don't lie !' I admitted we knew but we had decided not to tell anyone. We told friends that we didn't know-but oh my god it was all hard work! Worth it when I was able to phone them and tell them we had a daughter!

We have found out and told everyone this time as my husband has said it will help our daughter prepare for what's ahead! I don't think it would matter too much either way but he was adamant and I couldn't decide if I wanted to know! You can't tell a 2 year old and expect it to be kept a secret-do this time everyone knows!

YANBU to keep it a secret, it's ridiculous that anyone thinks they have aright to know!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

merlottits Thu 17-Jan-13 08:42:14

People who know and don't tell are a PITA and it does come across as control freakery.

You're obviously having another boy and just scared people are just going to say "oh another one?". Are you hoping that if the big reveal is after he is born then no one will care that he is just 'another boy' and just be excited about the birth?

No one will be thinking that, I'm wondering if YOU are thinking that?

Are YOU a bit disappointed in the gender?

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 08:49:47

Nope, Merlot. I am thrilled. smile

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 08:58:53


I kind of lost sympathy when you mentioned "exquisite linens" on a site for the general public, when you must be aware that some people struggle to buy the basic necessities for a new baby. I also think most Brits fail to get the Yank (to use your word) materialism surrounding a new baby, especially the "baby shower".

I see where you are coming from re your mother but dealing with overbearing mothers comes with the territory (for many of us). I don't really understand why you chose to find out yourself if you did not want others to know. And, as for getting your 6 year old to "make the announcement"; how precious can you get?!

I am trying not to sound harsh (and dismally failing) but why can't you just be a little more normal and try to realise that most of the population have children and it is really not a big deal. And sadly the second child's birth will get a fraction of the attention of the first's and, if you go on to have a third, you may even get comments such as "do you really need another baby" from friends and family (as a friend of mine with three had). However, from your oen and your baby's perspective, none of it matters at all. If you are just honest and allow those around you to be nice and buy you things if they want, then everyone will think a lot more of you and this non-issue will disappear.

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 09:01:53

Yy you shouldn't have told people you knew. I don't care how crap a liar you think you are. You can still say "we didn't find out".

Now, as has been suggested, you'll just have to say "we're not telling, so stop asking!"

Another tack would be to say that you don't want pink or blue things. I'd do that anyway, whether I knew or not.

I know, btw, and I'm not telling


TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 09:04:56

What, Larry? It's not ok now to say something is beautiful in case other people can't afford it?!

How bloody ridiculous.

It wouldn't matter if the OP had said "my mum wants to get us a blanket from Tesco and doesn't know what colour to get". The post would be the same.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 09:05:20

Oh God, I could never ever afford the crib bedding! Ever! My mom has an etsy shop and so does this woman. She and my mother trade things and my mom was recently really helpful to her with a personal problem, and this woman told my mother she would love to make some bedding for my baby as a favor.

I'm really, really not materialistic, I promise. smile I mentioned the bedding because I think it's silly for my mom to use that to entice me to tell. If I cared about it I would have told her so that I could have it.

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 09:07:35


It was the phraseology and the nature of the whole dilemma. At least I would not be so rude as to tell a potential present giver what colours I did not want, based on my own perception of sexism. A present is a present and you should just be grateful for it. But maybe I am old fashioned and one's own politically correct views should come ahead of old fashioned decency.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 09:08:18

I think I could get a lot more precious than letting DS make the announcement... Did you not read the above about gender reveal parties?! grin

And I won't be having a baby shower.

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 09:09:31

I have never heard of "gender reveal" parties. True, that takes things to a whole new level smile.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 09:10:23

Don't think the baby will really have any sort of nursery at all at first...I assume it'll just sleep in with us for awhile, DS did.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 17-Jan-13 09:12:21


Hopefully you do a better job of keeping the secret than my best friend and her husband. Well, you already are!

We met them for lunch after they went for their 20-week scan. They found out, but were keeping it to themselves. After we'd eaten, they went through a few bits of clothing they'd bought. One of the items was a pair of tights.

'Oh', said my DH - 'you're having a girl!' Cue red faces. 'Um no', said friend's DH. 'Boys wear tights'.* 'Yeah, if they're Rudolph Nureyev', replied my DH. Hysterical laughter ensued, and they admitted they were having a girl. Their secret-keeping lasted all of half an afternoon. grin

*Of course boys can and should tights if they're so inclined; DH was just trying to wheedle the truth out of v good friends...

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 09:15:28

But it's the present givers who want to know what colour to buy, Larry hmm

Intentionally or not, you came across as a nasty, sneery, reverse snob.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 09:20:28

It sounded pretty intentional to me toby sad

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 09:22:10

Well, I might have been giving larry a tiny bit of the benefit of the doubt grin

5madthings Thu 17-Jan-13 09:27:31

Any present buyers can just buy gender neutral stuff ffs.

cheerful i get where you are coming from as would most if they read the thread properly

Getting ds to announce would be sweet if you think you need to get your mum iff your back. If you dont want to tell stay strong or send your mum an article about the family i mentioned!

And as for the idea that she isnt telling as she is disappointed in the gender..seriously enough.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 17-Jan-13 09:29:01

I am loving the idea of boxes of balloons and coloured cupcakes. grin And the idea that these somehow trump a traditional 'gender reveal', previously known as 'giving birth'... grin

MidnightMasquerader Thu 17-Jan-13 09:30:50

Oh, and YANBU. wink

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Thu 17-Jan-13 09:45:35

I don't really understand finding out the sex and not wanting anyone else to know until the birth


I would completely respect the wishes of anyone who wanted to do it. People do lots of things I don't understand - I'm enough of a grown up to not badger them to do it my way. YANBU and I hope your family realise they should respect your decision and not be bullying fuckwits over it

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Thu 17-Jan-13 09:46:10

Oh, and congratulations!

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 10:01:18

Never been accused of being a reverse snob before, more the reverse if anything. I must be doing something right!

My point is not that people don't have a right to nice things. God knows, I would be a hell of a hypocrite if I said that. What is wrong is to turn something lovely and that one is lucky to have into an agonising dilemma. If someone wants to buy something expensive and beautiful and effectively only wants to know what sex their grandchild is going to be in return, just tell them. There is no reason to make a song and dance about it. It is such a non issue. My mother's comment to learning our second was a boy was "oh dear, can we not produce any girls at all in this family". I wasn't happy but I got over it and so did she (eventually). Playing silly games and trying to create a false value out of a piece of "secret" knowledge is never a good strategy for improving or maintaining relationships.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 10:03:56

You sound very similar to your mother larry

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 10:04:48

You have an interesting way of making your point by using entirely different words and phrases to the ones apparently meant.

I'm going back to sleep.

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 10:10:21


I will take that as a compliment. She has her faults but, deep down (really quite deep), she is a very decent person and has retained a sense of perspective, humour and interest into her 70s, something that certain posters here have entirely lost despite being of far less advanced years.


You are probably right, I maybe should have phrased my first post a little differently.

Thumbwitch Thu 17-Jan-13 10:44:56

But it isn't a non-issue to Cheerful - she's explained what an almighty PITA her mum was last time around, I can see her point.

Although I do agree you made it harder on yourself, Cheerful, by letting on that you knew! Never mind. Just tell everyone you're having an alien octopus instead grin

Pinot Thu 17-Jan-13 11:42:16

CY, you little poppet, definitely don't tell. This is your baby and you have had a rough old ride so far, so enjoy having the secret and hold onto it. Soon enough the baby will be born and everyone will know sex/weight/name etc. This part of your pregnancy is magical - and should be treated with respect.

I found out with all of mine and kept it a secret. I never gave a shiny shite if other people were bothered by my decision. They can have an opinion on the people they are about to push out of their vaginas. My baby = my information.

Re: your Mum. Lordy. Even more reason to hold baby tight to you right now. Don't unleash your Mum onto this tiny baby any sooner than you absolutely have to. For you own sanity - keep the secret, treasure it and enjoy the next 4 months God I am so broody

YANBU at all, not even a tiny bit.

And, apart from all that ^ , I know the sex and that's really all that matters grin <JOKE>

I think the idea of letting your son tell people now is a reasonable compromise, that might sidestep all the nagging from people. But the bottom line is that it is up to you what you decide to do, and other people should respect that.

Fwiw, we never found out the sex before the 'traditional gender reveal - ie giving birth' (loving that, MidnightMasquerade), and no-one nagged us to find out and then tell them, and anyone who wanted to buy something for the baby, bought something gender-neutral.

DeWe Thu 17-Jan-13 11:53:40

We found out with dd2 for a very specific reason and didn't tell people that we knew. We didn't plan to find out, and hadn't with dd1. With ds we knew because he was waving his tackle so vigorously it was clear grin. We told people we hadn't asked in that case, which was perfectly true.

I was surprised the number of people who asked if we knew, when we said we didn't, turned to dd1 (age 3) and tried to see if she knew.
It would have been pretty stupid to tell a 3yo and not expect them to tell everyone.

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 12:05:00

God, people are weird.

Pinot Thu 17-Jan-13 12:06:30

Weirder than us, Tjobes. Whodathunkit?

tiggytape Thu 17-Jan-13 12:09:45

Probably your only mistake was telling everybody that you knew the sex but were choosing not to tell them. That is bound to invite nagging (whereas if they didn't know that you knew, they'd not bother keep asking).

I would respect whatever anyone chose to do and definitely wouldn't nag them but I would secretly think it was a bit odd to find out the sex and then tell everybody you'd found out the sex but that you were intentionally not telling them. I'd wonder why you didn't just say you didn't know if you wanted to surprise them. I guess DM sees it as you winding her up on purpose because you know and she doesn't

Nobody weirder than you two, Tjobes and Pinot!

Peevish Thu 17-Jan-13 12:33:01

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time from some people - though I admit to rolling my eyes slightly at the idea of the Big Reveal in the hospital. I mean, come on, babies come in either male or female, so nothing is all that surprising. Now, if you were sitting on the fact that you were expecting triplet girls or something...

We found out the sex and didn't tell anyone, and we're not remotely precious - I can't see any reason why anyone other than us would gie a shiny shite whether it's a girl or a boy. As well as agreeing with what dizzy said up the thread about the depressingness of the blue and pink gender stereotyping even before the baby is born, my partner's family have a lot of boys and very few girls (all of the girls born after several boys because they were 'trying for a girl'). We knew we were having a boy (which we were delighted about), and to be honest, didn't want a million 'Oh well, better luck next time'/ 'Oh, little boys are monsters' comments from the SiLs and MiL.

So YANBU, OP. Raise your eyebrows and ask politely why people want to know. Congrats, btw!

NaturalBaby Thu 17-Jan-13 12:37:57

I'm just itching to see this amazing baby bedding! An etsy shop you say cheerfulyank?

SpectresandSpooks Thu 17-Jan-13 12:57:26

Crikey! The pressure you must be under. We did not know but my DM was convinced I knew and it was a boy. Because I got tired of buying cream and white and yellow stuff so I got some blue baby towels. Well, of course it HAD to be a boy didn't it Nd I was just being mean not sharing this info.

I know plenty of people who know the sex and don't share it, their prerogative. People are probably just amusing themselves goading you without realising how much it's annoying you.

Oh, btw, I had a girl smile.

Abra1d Thu 17-Jan-13 13:01:55

Why do people have to know? Isn't part of the magic finding out when the baby is born?

atthewelles Thu 17-Jan-13 13:34:59

I agree. There's no need for people to know in advance and if you'd prefer it to be a surprise, that's your business.
I don't know why you're getting such a hard time on here.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 14:48:14

Thanks. smile

I am a bit confused because several people have posted that I'm giving it more importance than it is, people have babies all the time so it's not that special, etc. If it's not a big deal, why should I have to tell? confused

In regard to the bedding. (And I'll send you a link if I can Natural smile). If I sensed that my mom HAD to know now in order to give me a gift that she truly wanted to from the bottom of her heart, I would reconsider.

But I told her from the start that I wanted to wait because who knew if the scan would be right anyway, and there was talk of having it monogrammed, and I won't name the baby until it's born. The woman who makes it is always very busy and has a few months turnaround on her work; there's no reason she couldn't make it as easily in May.

Frankly, my mother has the nursery planned in her mind, and the bedding fits in with that. It is beautiful but impractical and not necessarily what I would have chosen. However, it is really not that important to me. But if it will make my mother happy to get it and make the shop owner happy to make it, I'll be delighted to have it. I just don't care enough to let it be used as a manipulation tool.

As for letting DS make the announcement. He wanted to come to the scan but there was a possibility of something being wrong, so he didn't. I just thought it'd be a nice way to include him. smile

Pinot Thu 17-Jan-13 15:07:59

I think it's lovely to include mini-Yank. My v good friend had her baby on a school day and her Mum collected her DD from school, so was standing with us. Anyway, my friend rang her Mums mobile just as happened to be loitering after collecting the kids gossiping about what we thought baby would be/had she had it yet?/was her fanjo OK and asked to speak to her DD. Said daughter then got to announce to Grandma and all of us excited lot that "I have a baby sister" and there was (I swear to God) cheering and hugging and tears from all of us. In the middle of a playground grin grin Wonderful memories and the DD felt like a million pounds. Or dollars, for you Yanky.

Pinot Thu 17-Jan-13 15:09:17

And, actually, with my DS3 I announced his name by having it embroidered on a bib. So when folk came to see us in the hospital, there he was - my little XXXXX.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 15:11:38

Another very recent gem from my mother grin

Her: Well it better be a girl, I don't like the name Alec! (She know DH and I have considered it)

Me: Well, Alexander is DH's favorite name and Alec is my favorite shortening.

Her: ALEX is short for Alexander, not Alec. I don't care what you say.

Me: Alec Baldwin's name is short for Alexander.

Her: I hate him. So that doesn't count.


CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 15:12:30

Oh, that's sweet Pinot smile

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 16:19:16

"I am a bit confused because several people have posted that I'm giving it more importance than it is, people have babies all the time so it's not that special, etc. If it's not a big deal, why should I have to tell? "

Because you want them to act surprised and excited when you do tell them something that you have known for months. It sounds from your OP that you want an "it's a girl/boy" moment. The problem is that moment is going to be very contrived. It is like finding out your Christmas present in advance and then expecting everyone to join in an excited and surprised act when you unwrap it, despite the fact that they know that you know exactly what is inside the wrapping paper.

As a matter of interest, why did you find out yourself at your scan?

McNewPants2013 Thu 17-Jan-13 16:21:41

I really want to know now lol.

but i would keep it for DS to tell people, sounds a good idea smile

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 16:44:45

Why are you being so nasty to the OP larry? confused

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 16:48:28


I don't think I am being particularly nasty. Maybe my first post was a little harsh but the OP took it in good spirit. I am just trying to explain how the situation may feel from her family and friends' perspective. I know I would feel very odd having to act excited about the "news" were it my friend or a member of my family. I am also genuinely curious as to why she found out.

Do you see nothing odd in finding the sex of a baby out but then keeping it a secret from everyone, even friends and close family?

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 16:49:33

Not odd at all Larry, sorry.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 16:50:41

I don't think I am being particularly nasty

I doubt your mum did either when she made that comment that upset you about producing girls hmm

5madthings Thu 17-Jan-13 16:52:41

I don't think its odd at all ,lots of people do it. We did with ds4 and I really liked that do and I knew, thankfully we had relatives who acted like normal people and respected our choice.

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 16:54:33


You really need to renew that prescription.

Pinot Thu 17-Jan-13 16:54:34

Oh larry.
Silly larry.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 16:57:20

Oh do fuck larry hmm

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 16:57:38

<waits to be deleted>

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 16:58:28

What, for poor grammar and punctuation? They are used to it, don't worry.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 17:00:11


Better? smile

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 17:00:35

Larry but it will be news, to them. And a baby is not a Christmas present.

I found out because I wanted to know and narrow down name choices.

AndABigBirdInaPearTree Thu 17-Jan-13 17:03:29

I knew with #2 but didn't tell anyone as DH didn't want to know and I didn't think anyone else should know if he didn't. DM asked me directly if I knew and I don't lie about stupid crap so I said yes but I wasn't telling because of DH. She was really unhappy. She would have let the cat out of the bag though anyway. If people didn't ask I didn't tell and if I could steer the conversation away from the subject I did but if I was asked directly if I knew I said that I did.

Seabird72 Thu 17-Jan-13 17:03:47

YABU - you let people know that you knew. It's hurtful to then say you don't want them to know - you want it to be a surprise for them! It's a surprise no matter when they find out and I've always felt that finding out the sex just makes it easier to prepare yourself for the birth. You should have just said "we told them we didn't want to know" and then you would never have had to go through this. Don't agree with your mum's comments (however much she tries to make a joke out of them) though - people should be more considerate - every new baby is special. (have a particular dislike of this since DH's brother had the first grandchildren in the family on his side boy and a girl so our dc aren't considered as special as they are - and it shows!)

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 17:05:35

I didn't have the choice of knowing at my local hospital, it's their policy not to tell.

5madthings Thu 17-Jan-13 17:05:43

Why on earth is it hurtful ffs?!!

As I said we did this with ds4 and nobody found it hurtful and they were happy to wait.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 17:07:04

I DID say that Seabird! I'm a terrible liar though, I get very little practice. smile

Gintonic Thu 17-Jan-13 17:11:29

YA absolutely NBU and I am aghast at some of the things people have said on this thread. It is up to you what you tell people when and there are lots of good reasons why someone might not want to tell others the gender of their baby. For example if you wanted a girl but it was a boy, you might need time to get used to the idea. Or if you and DH want some privacy to make decisions together without people suggesting names,colour schemes etc. To say that this is "attention seeking" is ridiculous, and horrible. Most people don't announce the name in advance, is that attention seeking too??!

Why not tell friends and family that you would rather they bought gifts once the baby is born because of superstition? That way they will know the size of the baby too so less chance of clothes being wasted!

Good luck and stick to your guns!

AndABigBirdInaPearTree Thu 17-Jan-13 17:17:13

Can't believe the number of people who are saying that you should lie.

3monkeys3 Thu 17-Jan-13 17:23:32

You should have just said you didn't find out - people leave you alone then (we did it this way with ds1). We found out and told with our other 2 dc and it was just as nice.

I have a friend who found out but didn't tell and she did used to be very attention seeking about it, bringing it up all the time, getting people to guess, etc, but I don't think everyone who does this is necessarily attention seeking.

CheerfulYank hi we were both on the May thread.Hope you are doing well.

Last year my BIL and his partner had a baby.They found out the sex and didn't tell any of the family.If I'm honest I didn't see the point in them having found out at all.If they had found out and not told us they were finding out fair enough we would have known no different.However,I love shopping for new babies and I thought ooh if we find out early we can all get stuff and spread the cost.By the time baby was due to be honest we had all kind of lost interest.Dont get me wrong or was great she had a healthy baby girl and I couldn't wait to see her but I just lost all interest in the big secrecy of it all.

I found out the sex if our baby having never found out before.Purely on the above experience I made it clear to DP if we found out he either told no one we were finding out and we kept it to ourselves or we told everyone else.So we have told everyone.We are having a ds3.My mothers reaction was 'oh that's a shame I hope you aren't too disappointed' shockI would rather she have 20 weeks to get over herself than have to deal with that kind of comment when I've got a newborn.People have made some really hurtful comments but its 4 weeks since we found out and I'm so excited I couldn't care less whst people say.Personally I feel the stress and hurt that I felt at first would have felt worse had I have just had my baby.

This is just my opinion nothing more.

blonderthanred Thu 17-Jan-13 17:30:19

We did this because I wanted DH to be able to announce it after the birth, and because I didn't want the pink/blue gender thing starting before birth. I hoped it would make the sex less of a big deal.

I'm a crap liar so just said to people, it's a surprise. They either said, oh so you know or you're not telling, or said how rubbish the hospital was for not telling us. Or I said they weren't sure at the scan. Same response.

It became this massive issue and I did feel like a pfb parentzilla, also like it would seem as though I thought other people would care, which I didn't but I could hardly tell casual acquaintances if I wasn't telling my mum!

After he was born we were deluged with pale blue anyway. Although on the plus side my mum & family got into the idea of buying him lovely bright stuff. And we did get to announce it.

But I think next time it will be less trouble just to tell people!

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 17:55:30

For the record, again, I did try not to let on we know! smile

PickledInAPearTree Thu 17-Jan-13 18:05:00

For some reason it sends me craaaa y if people know and don't tell. grin

crashdoll Thu 17-Jan-13 18:11:31

Don't be bullied into telling people if you don't want to. It's your decision. smile

feministefatale Thu 17-Jan-13 18:48:52

White is the best colour for baby bedding anyway.

having parties where everyone bites into a cupcake to reveal pink or blue filling
I hate people who do this. Seriously actual hate. Gender reveal parties? Why do they do it why?

It's like people who have a batchelorette party and a wedding shower on top of their wedding and pre wedding party and actually have the nerve to requests gifts for all of them. You kind of wonder if their parents didn't give them enough attention in the first place.

Look cheerful, just say no, I am not going to talk about it. And litterally refuse to speak about it, go quiet.

You really should have not told anyone anyway, even if you are an awful liar they would never know for sure if you had done it or not.

feministefatale Thu 17-Jan-13 18:50:09

Oooh Can you actually go back to your mom and say you had another scan and they aren't sure now? They thought maybe it was the other gender now, but can't say for sure?

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 18:52:37

Is this the right time to say that we know 2 people whose scans were wrong? grin

Jux Thu 17-Jan-13 19:25:11

Tell everyone you're going to have an alien. Announce it on fb. Add that this is a new scientific breakthrough and how proud you are. Colours for aliens born of human parents are green, yellow or white.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 19:53:12

My favorite part of this is my best friend, who is deeply immersed in GLBT and trans issues, gender is a social construct, etc, etc, is absolutely mad to know. grin

Coconutty Thu 17-Jan-13 20:15:21

I get pissed off with people who say they know but won't tell. Makes them seem very precious and attention seeking to me.

mackerella Thu 17-Jan-13 20:40:23

Another one who thinks YANBU. But we also didn't tell people the sex when I was pregnant with DS, and now I'm pregnant again (only 13 weeks) I'm not sure if will will tell them this time either. It's partly to delay the inevitable comments ("oh how nice to have one of each" if it's a girl, and "oh, 2 boys will be a handful, bet you wish you were having a girl" if it's a boy), and partly to annoy my MIL, who has told me numerous time that [DH's surnames] ALWAYS have boys (in which case, there's no need to nag me about the sex, is there?) grin

I don't quite get Beautician's point about why her BIL and his partner "bothered" to find out the sex if they weren't going to tell other people: as PPs have said, it's useful to know so you can narrow down names. And nobody seems to mind if you don't tell everyone your chosen name until the birth - in fact it's MN orthodoxy that it's madness to do otherwise - so how is keeping the sex to yourself any different? confused

CoteDAzur Thu 17-Jan-13 20:54:04

It's different because nobody can put you off having a boy and make you change your mind and have a girl when you tell them you are having a boy.

CoteDAzur Thu 17-Jan-13 20:56:53

YABU by the way and a bit parentzilla as someone said further down.

Why on earth wouldn't you tell your mum the sex of her grandchild? What is this if not control freakery with a touch of "We're in the club and you're out ner her".

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 21:07:38

Because my mum is a nutter! grin

I meant to put I didn't see the point in them finding out and not telling anyone but making us aware that they knew.Sorry I worded that wrong.

I love knowing especially for names etc.BIL made it clear he didn't want loads of neutral items he wanted to dress his baby in pink/blue.Which is fair enough and we obviously all waited to buy anything.However,it just struck me as weird that he would make such comments and it did kind of feel like ooh I know and you don't.It just came across to me as a bit immature.What made it worse is that she actually told her closest friends anyway do it wasn't really much of a secret at all.

I'm not trying to make Cheerful change her mind.Im just saying how it felt to ME as being someone not being told and how that then in turn made me decide not to do the same with my pregnancy.

This is posted in AIBU so I presume opinions are wanted.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 21:48:06

You're fine Beautician smile

Cote after 30 years of handling my DM I can tell you exactly how it will pan out for either option.

Me: Mom, it's a boy.

Her: <deflated> Oh. Well, that's okay I guess. I just feel bad for him, he'll be in DS's shadow his whole life. And Alec is a stupid name and it's not short for Alexander no matter what you've heard. I'll send you a list of nice names tomorrow.


Me: Mom, it's a girl.

Her: Ohhhhhh! Oh good! Now. I know you said you didn't want Sophie because DS starts with an S too, but you need to get over that, it's the sweetest name. And I know you'd like Rose in there somewhere <my Grandfather grew roses and they make me think of him> BUT you can't, my sister will think it's after her and I'd have to kill someone. I know you said you'd like pale gray for the nursery but that's a bit grownup for a baby's room...

You get the point. smile And with either option, she would descend like a swarm of locusts to "help" by "encouraging" me to work on the nursery. And send me long emails of acceptable names every day.

I'm not really fussed about the nursery because we're co-sleeping for awhile and I'm planning to use my time getting the rest of my house in order before the baby gets here.

I have a friend who is due soon and she announced awhile ago what she was having and what his name will be and now it's all "Weslee this" and "Weslee that", and I'm very happy for her. But just for me personally, I'd like something to announce after the birth.

Besides I know people who have gone all out with announcements and decorating and then the scans were wrong anyway. smile

I don't really understand your "big reveal" moment as I think that moment is really for the parents. Our parents could hardly hear us tell them that we had a DD for the noise DD made, but for us it was a real surprise and a genuine "big reveal" moment. You have chosen to find out what you are having, so your personal moment has happened and everyone else will know that it is a contrived moment of your choosing after the birth. Unless you were told the wrong sex in the first place (which occassionally happens).

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 22:06:06

Well, they don't know. So it will be a "big reveal" for them.

snowybrrr Thu 17-Jan-13 22:13:51

'I know some people who've done this "we know but won't tell" and it just comes across as a bit parentzilla and attention seeking. I didn't know why but it does...Like you are trying to make the gender of your child a bigger deal to the rest of the world than it really is... A bit self important.

I agree with this.You do realise nobody, but you and your DH, is really interested in whether your sprog is blue or pink

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 22:21:08

If they're not interested then why should I tell them? confused

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 22:26:01

Don't worry Yank, I'm interested.
Jeez, there's people on here tonight that would argue with a cardboard box.

PickledInAPearTree Thu 17-Jan-13 22:33:37

I am too yank!

janey68 Thu 17-Jan-13 22:36:20

I think a few people have been rather harsh, but many of us are just a bit bemused.

Either the parents want to have a surprise, and wait until actually giving birth for the 'big reveal'. Or they don't want a surprise, and choose to find out and keep the fact that they know the sex between the two of them. Or they don't want a surprise and are happy to share the information. It just seems odd to choose to find out the sex and then let people know that you know, but not say what it is. And I honestly can't see how you inadvertently let on that you know! Surely if it's really important to you to keep the fact that you know just between yourselves as a couple, you discuss the fact that if people ask, or try to wheedle the info out, you have a joint strategy to keep schtum

Neither do I think people are being rude in saying that other people won;t be that interested. It's just the truth. I honestly couldn't care two hoots whether other people have girls or boys. I just think this idea of any sort of 'big reveal' when the parents already know is just a bit of a misnomer - it's not a big reveal to the parents who are the ones that matter! Personally I would want to make the announcement ourselves too, not coming from a sibling, though each to their own

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 22:38:58

So let me get this right.

If I were to have a big gender reveal with people biting into little pink or blue filled cakes, then demanding all sorts of blue or ruffly pink gifts, then making a big deal about what I named the baby and announcing it well before birth...that would BU.

But choosing to keep it to ourselves for a few months after trying and failing to not let on that I knew, so that we can make our own decisions about names/nurseries, and then letting DS feel like an important part of the process by getting to be first to see the baby and then letting our close friends and family who are gathered there know that he's got a little brother or sister is also BU.

So anything other than a quiet word beforehand is sort of "oh for fuck's sake you tacky American", is that about right? wink

I think a lot of it has to do with the way it's said.BIL announced on fb that they were finding out the sex them told everyone afterwards that they weren't sharing it.I wanted to share in the excitement and go shopping(can you tell I have a bit of an addiction there).

I told clients,friends and family that we were finding out and so when I went back to work all my clients were asking and they were so excited to hear our news.However, we are keeping the name to ourselves as we want something to announce afterwards.

At the end of the day it's down to you.I do worry about all the talk of the sex being wrong anyway.Since we found out two people that went to the same hospital as us were told the wrong sex.We are having a 4d scan (we have wanted one from the start) and I will be asking them if they can confirm the sex.Ive deliberately not bought too much just in case.Although I'm 99 per cent sure the hospital are right

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 22:42:56

Janey I called my mom after the scan to let her know the baby was healthy as there was some worry.

Her: Well?! Boy or girl?

Me: We didn't want to find out.

Her: Oh you LIAR! That's your lying voice! <hollering to the side> CheerfulDad! She's not going to tell us.

And....that's pretty much the way it shook down.

janey68 Thu 17-Jan-13 22:46:38

I would put the phone down on someone who accused me of lying. Or told them the wrong sex. I certainly wouldn't be inviting her to do more childcare if I were you; she sounds nuts, and not in a funny way

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 22:47:05

On FB I just said that it was going to be a surprise when asked, and didn't tell anyone that I knew. My mom told my Dad (who doesn't care) and my brother (who does).

Janey I agree, there is nothing rude about saying "no one cares". That's fine! My point is only that if no one cares, why should I tell them?

PickledInAPearTree Thu 17-Jan-13 22:47:12

I like cake. I like pink cake & I like blue cake.

I'm having a ds2 in a few weeks - I did feel a bit like people where underwhelmed to be honest when I told my mother she said "oh".

If you wait till they come its a bit more exciting isnt it.

If you were in my family I would nag you to death (but in a good natured fashion )

PickledInAPearTree Thu 17-Jan-13 22:47:19

I like cake. I like pink cake & I like blue cake.

I'm having a ds2 in a few weeks - I did feel a bit like people where underwhelmed to be honest when I told my mother she said "oh".

If you wait till they come its a bit more exciting isnt it.

If you were in my family I would nag you to death (but in a good natured fashion )

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 22:49:17

Oh she IS nuts, believe me. I'm nominating my dad for sainthood one of these days!

She does have many good points, but those recede far, far into the background when something's happening that she doesn't like.

KhallDrogo Thu 17-Jan-13 22:51:15

what the hell is a 'gender reveal party'??? shock

So it's mostly your mum then Cheerful.I can understand why you don't want to tell her to be honest with what you've said about her on this thread and previously.But no matter when she finds out by the sounds of it she will be awkward.

Like I said my mothers comment wasn't great and I've had many mean comments.I also got an 'oh dear what a Shame'shock and many more.I think if you are going to get nasty comments from your mother to start practising the comebacks now.Ive got mine down to a fine art and I've left people very red faced grin

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 22:54:44

She'll be overwhelmed by the squishy new baby and won't say anything smile

Khal people actually have them! They invite people over to watch them do things like open a box, which blue or pink helium balloons pop out of!

Ahh if that's the case and you would only be bombarded with comments now then no YANBU.

We had to tell the ds's about their new brother straight away.Main reason for finding out was Ds1s Autism.They now tell everyone we see and I mean EVERYONE grin

RubyrooUK Thu 17-Jan-13 23:14:54

I think human beings are just nosy. I hate "not knowing" stuff.

I found out with DS, because I was nosy. Nothing more than that. If the information is available, I like to have it.

When we went for a scan for DS2, I wanted to find out for the same reason. And because everyone kept asking me if I wanted a girl as I had a boy already, I thought I'd get those annoying comments over in pregnancy as I was happy with either. Then I could just say "oh yes it's a girl" or "oh yes it's a boy".

I think it's fine not to tell people, CY, as it's your body and baby. (Your mum sounds very annoying about how no other baby can match up to DS; are you doing it just to drive her mad? grin)

But I also think that people are naturally curious so if you know the gender, they can't understand you keeping it quiet. Doesn't mean you should tell them but don't bother getting annoyed - people aren't good at being denied information!!!

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 17-Jan-13 23:23:44

This is the very first time I have heard of a Gender Reveal Party - thank fuck. Not keen to hear of it again tbh. It's enough to make you vomit frankly.

CY - I have 'known' you for a long time on MN and you are lovely. I think the idea of DS telling everyone is great & it's lovely to include him. I think your Mom is completely nucking futs and I can see why you have ended up feeling the way you do - so I do have some sympathy. However, generally speaking I think people who find out (and make it known they know), but don't tell - end up making people feel excluded and then have no-one, but themselves to blame when people aren't as excited when the baby arrives, cuts its first tooth, takes a step etc With your Mom, that might not be such a bad idea anyway grin I like the idea of DS telling everyone the sex now and the name later - that way you stop the angst and DS gets two reveals! Win/win.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 17-Jan-13 23:25:06

The other thing is, you know what your Mom will say - but if you tell her now she'll have a while to adjust to the idea and get over herself by the time DS2 is here.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 23:32:06

If people feel excluded, tough.
It's not their baby.
As for baby reveal parties, I wonder how long it'll be before they come over here?
I bet there's already MNers rubbing their hands in glee at another idea to introduce their forthcoming PFB and get as much attention as possible.
Yank, you've started something here.grin

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 17-Jan-13 23:36:08

LadyBeagle<shrug> If you want to exclude people, fine. If you don't want people to be as excited and 'there' for you, fine. If you don't want people doing things to help you later on, fine. But don't then complain that people don't seem so interested, that people aren't helping as much as you thought they would etc

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 23:40:48

Oh's not enough for my unsophisticated compatriots to have forced their tacky proms, trick or treating, and baby showers on the poor old' UK! Gender reveal soirees coming soon! grin

Thanks chipping. I know it's hard to believe, but I really thought it would be LESS of a big deal this way...not fussed about gifts or the nursery or anyone else's name input (besides mumsnetters of course!) I'm just really excited for DH and DS and I to have another family member smile I honestly tried not to tell, and certainly didn't expect this.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 23:43:20

My ILs don't want to know, my dad isn't fussed, my brother will not really be a part of the baby's life anyway, and one best friend did the same thing smile The other has been my closest friend since we were 8, she won't hold a grudge over this.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 23:45:34

My ILS are the biggest help we have as they live only ten minutes away, and as I said they don't want to know, so I don't think there will be any issues of people not wanting to help later on.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 18-Jan-13 00:06:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch Fri 18-Jan-13 00:21:37

Gosh, CY - you've got some hammering on here! The thing to remember is, it's YOUR baby and YOUR decision. If other people choose to be upset/offended/feel excluded, that is down to THEM. Although why in fuck they would choose those things, I don't know! I never have any issue with people making their own decisions about what they tell others, unless it has a direct impact on me (and most things wouldn't, including the sex of a new baby!)

As for the shopping comments, well just get different colours than blue or pink! Baby stuff comes in all sorts of colours, green, red, yellow, orange, brown, white, purple, multi - it doesn't HAVE to be cream or white! Stop buying into the gender bias and just get them something bright red!

ICBINEG Fri 18-Jan-13 00:36:42

Am kinda astonished that anyone would view not knowing the sex as a reason not to decorate a nursery or get bedding. Boys can sleep in pink, girls can sleep in blue (really they can - I promise). Why not ust pick a colour you want and tell them that?

Also you know these scans are wrong about the gender sometimes?

Might be worth bearing that in mind....

Yfronts Fri 18-Jan-13 01:01:18

Don't tell anyone. No one has a right to know and you want it to be a lovely surprise.

Just change the subject if they ask. Or ask them not to ask you. Or just ignore their questions. they might get bored asking if met with stony silence each time.

feministefatale Fri 18-Jan-13 14:28:04

Gender reveal parties are pretty new tbf, I am hoping they die a death soon. I think most people think they are tacky.

SuzysZoo Fri 18-Jan-13 14:58:20

I never really understand why you wouldn't tell if you know. I understand, however, if you don't want to find out. If you know, but won't tell, it seems smug and unnecessary. I mean, people don't really care what you have, so why not tell them?

Crinkle77 Fri 18-Jan-13 15:48:02

I just don't know how you are managing to keep it to your self but that's just me. Can't keep anything to myself

DreamingOfTheMaldives Fri 18-Jan-13 16:25:15

Some people are strange; and OP, I don't mean you, I mean all these people saying that no one cares whether you have a boy or a girl or whether you have a baby at all because it's not a big deal, people do it all the time. Well, having a baby is a big deal, or it is in my and my DH's family (perhaps that's because each of them is only small) and among our friends. Don't get me wrong, you may not care about the sex of a random stranger's baby, but of course people care about the sex of the baby of someone they care about. Why would you not be interested in something which is so important to a friend or family member.

Your family and friends clearly are interested and do care what sex your baby is, otherwise they wouldn't keep pestering you about it.

iyatoda Fri 18-Jan-13 16:43:05

It reads to me like you do not think that YABU so not sure why you posted.

I think it all depends on the nature of your friends and family and how willing they are to play along with you. My family and friends would just roll their eyes and just not bother until the baby comes and I'll just end up feeling childish and silly.

However, I have known work colleagues do this and their family and friends have just played along with them making them feel very special indeed.

Kaida Fri 18-Jan-13 18:50:41

Got to agree Dreaming, a baby is a big deal in mine and DH's families and amongst our friends. Of course we'll care!

Lovethesea Fri 18-Jan-13 19:58:27

Congrats! Do whatever helps you manage your DM over the next months; she's a source of severe stress and matricidal thoughts by the sound of it.

I would start musing that Alexander is also shortened to Xander, Sandy, Sasha, Alex, Alec ... and then there is Alexandra, Alexa, Alexi, Lexi, Sacha ....

I get it. You thought the least bother would be to know but keep quiet. Your DM won't let anything lie so she's stirred up a heap of trouble. Letting your DS announce is great whenever he does it.

And then spend your time thinking up cunning put downs for all her PFB comments before that poor bairn spends all its life compared unfavourably to the golden child. That's when the boundaries and consequences really need to fall on her like a ton of bricks before she does real damage to your growing family.

CheerfulYank Sat 19-Jan-13 02:14:48

I mean, people don't really care what you have, so why not tell them? I don't really get that Suzy...if they don't care, why should I tell them? confused

Iyatoda actually I do realize now that I'm being a bit U. It's not going to make me tell people, but it's going to make me more understanding of their reaction. So that's good. smile It doesn't make me feel "special" or not special.

I told everyone I was going to lay an egg and hatch kittens. I don't totally get wanting the 'it's a...' moment and then finding out anyway, but meh, if you don't want to say, whatever.
Your mum sounds like a loon, anyway!

DizzyZebra Sat 19-Jan-13 03:36:42

I generally don't care about babies sex or when people find out. To me, its the same announcement whether done at 20 weeks or at birth.

But, id get bored pretty quickly of someone making a big deal and doing the 'we know but we aren't saying'. I find it arrogant and a little weird.

SpecialAgentKat Sat 19-Jan-13 03:45:05

Iyatoda beat me to what I was going to say.

So to summarise, YABU.

And I really wish I hadn't clicked on that gender reveal link. Nauseating. I'd be ashamed if my friend did that! Shudder so tacky

DizzyZebra Sat 19-Jan-13 04:05:22

Omfg at the gender reveal parties. I had heard of them but not that much detail.

I would be too ashamed to attend such a tacky, narcissistic, vomit inducing event.

I thought I was self obsessed before this.

janey68 Sat 19-Jan-13 08:43:05

Those saying they can't possibly understand why some of us sound like we don't care, and that a baby IS a big deal.... Well, quite. The BABY is a big deal, not whether its gender. I am thrilled for friends and acquaintances when they have a baby, but the happiness is for the parents having a new child, not whether it's a girl or boy

EuroShagmore Sat 19-Jan-13 09:49:37

I don't get why parents would find out themselves but not tell others. One of my friends did this and I found it bizarre. The gender is of most importance to the parents themselves. I can understand them either wanting to find out as soon as possible or wanting a birth surprise, but I find it rather odd to find out themselves and then keep the gender from other people.

Casserole Sat 19-Jan-13 11:08:09

I found out with my both my pregnancies because I was hideously ill with hyperemesis with both and I needed something to help me think of the baby as a baby rather than just "this thing that is making me ill".

I didn't go public in either case because it wasn't anyone else's business! I'd already had to go public way before 12 weeks due to being hospitalised for the HG so we hadn't had that period where it was our little secret. Being able to know the gender and keep it to ourselves helped me feel slightly less like every part of my life and health was suddenly public property.

Just as well in the first instance, when DD1 was born and turned out to be DS1! Scans don't always get it right.

OP it is your pregnancy, your baby, your body. You are not public property and you are certainly not your mother's property. Keep it to yourself and sod anyone who doesn't like it I say.

But I would like a cupcake please. I don't mind what colour the filling is :D

Glitterspy Sat 19-Jan-13 11:22:28

I'm 36 weeks and DH and I have known the gender since 20 weeks. We've told EVERYONE else that we don't know and don't want to find out. We wanted to keep it between us, feeling that if e.g MIL knew it was a girl she'd be tempted to "gender code" which we don't agree with (rather than having the 'big reveal' moment as the focus). You just shouldn't have let on that you knew!

janey68 Sat 19-Jan-13 11:27:19

I know you're a nice person cheerfulyank as youre a long time poster, and I don't think anyone is accusing you personally of being narcissistic or attention seeking.

I think people are just a bit bemused, because once you have gone public with the news that you have chosen to find out the gender, it just seems a little odd to then keep it secret and want to turn it into some sort of 'surprise' for others. I am still a little bewildered about how anyone lets on that they know the gender without meaning to (!) because I think if you see it as something personal for you and your dh only then surely you have these sort of discussions beforehand, and work out how you're going to field any questions and also talk about the baby with others without you or dh slipping up and revealing the gender. I'm sure there just be friends of ours who have known the sex of their baby but have never let on that they know and that's fine- its not a problem, they just act as if they haven't asked, or don't know.

Anyway, given that you wanted to keep the whole thing secret but inadvertently did let on that you know, I think all you can do is very firmly say that you aren't going to reveal the gender until after the birth. I think where it becomes a bit blurred is when you use the fact that part of the reason you don't want to share the info now is that you want a big gender announcement by your son from the hospital. And that's where I think the issue is- its NOT a big surprise announcement because the surprise is yours and your dh's, and everyone knows you already know.
I'm sure all your friends will be thrilled to bits for you about your BABY - not whether it's girl or boy.

I guess what I'm saying (in a long winded way!) is that parents who genuinely want a surprise announcement at the birth choose to not find out the sex pre-birth, so the surprise really comes at that point. It seems a bit like trying to manufacture a surprise otherwise.

Anyway, the really important thing is having a healthy baby and I'm sure everyone on MN is wishing you all the best for when s/he arrives

SuzysZoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:42:20

I posted in haste and I don't mean you or your family don't care what sex your baby is - they obviously do. My only experience of something like this was a work acquaintance who was pregnant. She found out the sex and then proceeded to tell everyone she knew but she wasn't going to tell any of us. I couldn't get that at all. I mean, by all means find out and keep it to yourself. However, what she did was just unnecessarily control - freaky.... it was like she needed us to know she had a secret she wasn't telling us - reminded me of being 7 again and I judged her forever after as being a petty control freak....
What she should have done, IMHO, is just say she didn't know when asked (instead of saying she did know but wouldn't tell us). That was who I was thinking about when I said people don't really care about what you have (boy/girl). That said, I wouldn't keep such a secret from my close family either, if it was me, as it might hurt their feelings and make them think they couldn't be part of my "secret"...

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 19-Jan-13 16:03:59

But Cheerful has give the role off telling everybody to her son.
I think that's a lovely idea and will make him so proud, and part of the 'secret'.

greenpostit Sat 19-Jan-13 16:21:23

I think I'd be a bit perplexed if I was a member of your family. I found out the sex of both mine and it never occurred to me to keep it a secret, not that I broadcast it, just told our parents and siblings.

I don't really understand why you would keep a secret. I know your mum is overbearing but it does seem to be tormenting her and I would tell her the sex and then firmly tell her that you are not decorating fir a year as you will have the baby in with you.

It seems like keeping a secret just for the sake of it and it would feel odd to me if it was "revealed" to me when it had been known for months if I was the baby's grandma and had been keen to know. There is plenty of excitement when a baby is born anyway, people like to know the weight etc. or will that be a secret to be revealed at a later date?!

iyatoda Sat 19-Jan-13 16:35:49

"I guess to some degree <going to come off as a complete nutter blush> I feel bad that this baby isn't perceived as being as "special" as DS parents had no other grandchildren, PIL only had one, no one in my close circle of friends had children...and now of course all that has changed."

Ok Cheerful I lifted this from one of your post which was what gave me the impression of wanting to feel special about baby no 2.

I get the feeling that you are kind off enjoying the pestering. Which is the whole idea isn't it? You will only bait a fish if you know it will bite? So I do not see a problem at all just enjoy your pregnancy and secret.

greenbananas Sat 19-Jan-13 16:59:19

Cheerfulyank I haven't waded through this whole thread, just coming on to say I think YANBU.

My friend who has a baby due today has known for 20 weeks what the sex is but hasn't told anyone except her husband and her 4 year old son. To be honest, it never even occured to me that she might be being unreasonable, and I have respected her feelings by being careful not to ask (even though I can't wait to find out). I know she is not being snotty with me or with anyone else by keeping this a secret. She has had difficult pregnancies in the past, and just wants to keep the sex to herself until she actually meets the baby.

My friend comes from a culture where everone thinks it is their right to know everybody else's business. She is also a very honest woman, and can't lie when people ask her if she knows what the sex is, so she admits that she knows but then says she would rather not tell anybody just yet. I know she has had a rotten time with some of her other friends pushing her for information sad and that this has upset her. I'm so sorry you are having negative comments from some people on this thread.

Congratualtions on your pregnancy smile

SpecialAgentKat Sun 20-Jan-13 00:57:08

Again, totally agree iyatoda.

Thumbwitch Sun 20-Jan-13 02:53:13

iyatoda - I think you are wrong that CY is enjoying the pestering. I also think that she has explained why she wants this baby to be somehow "special" because her mother has already indicated that she feels the baby to be "unnecessary" somehow. It's not like she's attention seeking from everyone, she just has been caught out by her mother.
She hasn't told the world she knows the sex of her unborn baby but isn't going to tell anyone (well apart from the MN world, that is! grin) - there's no "ner ner ne-ner ner" aspect to it, she tried to pretend to her mother that they didn't find out but her mother caught her out.

As for putting her mother out of her misery, fuck that. If, as CY has said, it would involve CY being under pressure for the next half of her pg and having the misery visited on her instead, then her mother can suffer.

janey68 Sun 20-Jan-13 08:52:35

If CYs mother is really that bad, I think at this point I would tell her the wrong gender, let her get her ridiculous ranting out of the way, because clearly shes going to have a whinge which whatever CY says she's having, and then either leave it at that until the baby's born, or announce that, gosh, you're obviiously not happy with the idea of a boy/ girl... Good job I'm having a .... (insert opposite sex)

And i categorically would not be asking her to help out with childcare as CY said she did last time. Don't mention the subject, then if she asks, say you've sorted your own arrangements. I honestly think if a parent is that awful, for your own sanity you need to keep some distance. If you call on them for favours it will just be used as a stick to beat you with.

I get the feeling this isn't so much a thread about wanting to keep the gender secret so much as a thread about CYs problems with her mother. That seems to be where the difficulties arise, not from random friends who as we've all agreed really won't care whether she has a girl or boy

CheerfulYank Mon 21-Jan-13 00:02:32

Definitely not enjoying it, it's making me feel awful tbh. I really didn't think it was a big deal, but apparently it's going to be. Off to have a think about it.

Thanks for all the replies. smile

DizzyZebra Mon 21-Jan-13 06:05:30

Oh god, the woman in that article is from st helens too. I don't live far from there in a nicer place though

Diddydollydo Mon 21-Jan-13 07:10:28

I don't see why its odd not to tell. Doesn't matter if you know or not it's up to you if you tell people. We seem to live in a time where it is seen as weird to keep anything to yourself, every little thing needs to be shared, broadcast etc. If you want to have that information to yourselves then keep it its really not up to anyone else. I've seen the OP post on here a few times before and have always thought how nice she seems, I think she's had an unnecessarily hard time on this thread. Very unkind.

janey68 Mon 21-Jan-13 07:33:24

In fairness I think where she has been given a bit of a hard time, it's only because people agree with you- that there is a tendency to live far too much of ones personal life in the public domain, and that most people who dont want to broadcast their baby's sex before birth either choose to have the surprise at the birth, or work jolly hard with their partner to avoid letting the cat out of the bag. I would imagine it must be quite tricky to not inadvertently slip up with he or she in conversations, so presumably couples discuss this sort of thing. (we never found out the sex of ours partly because I wouldn't want the stress of trying not to let slip!)

There have only been a handful of harsh comments and in fact many more saying what a nice person CY is. It's just a bit of an impasse she's got herself into

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