To report DH for drink driving?(186 Posts)
Every week or so, DH goes out with his mates. He drives there. He gets drunk. He drives home.
It sickens me. I have tried talking to him about it but he's just not interested.
He's out tonight, I know where he is, I know he will be drinking. I am at my wits' end.
Should I report him? Would the police be interested? I don't know when he will be driving home so I can't give them an exact time.
Or AIBU? I have tried talking to him about it and that hasn't worked - I feel if I don't report him, I am enabling his criminal and potential deadly behaviour.
Thank you for reading.
Yes, they will be interested. And yes you're going to get a 100 people saying report him.
I would tell him you were serious, disagreed with what he was doing and tell him you were going to report him.
I would think how i would feel if he killed or injured someone, and then report him. It's incredibly difficult when it's a family member, but he is risking peoples lives with his behaviour. I'm pretty sure you can report anonymously.
Yes, I think you should. If it is something he does regularly, there is a reasonably high chance that he will have an accident at some point, possibly a fatal one.
Tax evasion, fraud etc. - all things I can see spouses would be reluctant to report them to the police for, as the fallout for them could be massive.
Oh, and the police will be interested. I was going to ask if it means he will lose his job, but TBH, it's just not relevant when you think of the potential alternative. Could you live with yourself if he killed somebody?
If he's doing it. I'll put money on him not being the only one...
So I very much doubt it will be a waste of police time.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
If you've done everything else to try and convince him then yes I would. He's either going to kill himself or someone else.
Thank you. I sort of know I have to do this. I simply could not live with myself if he kills someone and I knew it was likely to happen and did nothing.
He is self employed and will not be able to work without his license but I earn enough to support both of us. I would rather do that than see him kill or injure himself or someone else.
What MsVestibule said........ Whilst it might seem awful for you to report your own DH, you have tried talking to him and are just not getting through. Not trying to freak you out but think about what would happen if tonight he crashes , hurts himself , hurts someone else..... If it were me I would feel guilty forever. He is a shit got doing it and a shit for putting you in such a horrid position.
eventful that is a good point, yes I think some of the others do it too
Thanks Loie, yes he is a shit for putting me in this position ...
How disgusting.. Report him soon, preferably when you know he's out in car, ring 999. So they can catch him in the act
Yep, I'd do it in a heartbeat, whatever the consequences for me.
Don't care of that makes me sound all righteous. It's true. There is never ever an excuse for drink driving but to do it repeatedly and knowingly?
In all honesty, and I NEVER say this, I have no idea how you're still married to him.
Absolutely disgusting and unforgivable.
I have to ask, how long has this been going on and for how long have you been condoning it?
Would you confess to him you reported him?
He could put you in a worse position by not reporting him, what if he hits someone? . He if wants to act like a dickhead then treat him like one and report him.
Report him! Hopefully it will be the wake up call he needs
I'd give him a warning that if he does it again you will report him and stick to it.
Having had a close friend killed by a drunk driver leaving a wife and two under 5s alone several years back, I can't stand anyone who drinks and drives.
Know that you personally will also suffer social stigma by association. Sad for you but true.
Randall the OP has made it clear that she doesn't condone it so I hope you are not asking in order to have a go.
Poor you what a choice but better to report him committing the crime before killing someone or himself, he would probably just lose his licence rather than a life. BE BRAVE
Randall I do not condone it otherwise I wouldn't be reporting him would I?
FWIW he told me he had stopped driving home drunk. Last week I was up when he got home and it became clear he was pissed and he admitted he had been doing it for years. I was really shocked.
I have just spoken to crime stoppers and given them the details of the car.
Thanks for your support.
Holly I don't know ... Haven't quite got to working that out yet!
You did the right thing. He's an irresponsible arse.
Well done..... The hard but right choice ... UnMN hugs !
Well done. This might be the wake up call he needs.
Thank you for doing it. I had a friend of the family (his sister was a mate) when I was young who was killed in a drink driving incident. His family have never recovered. It was more than 20 years ago and his DM stills suffers, his sister is miserable, it hangs over them. There were/are a lovely family, his DM is a wonderful, warm, happy person but it ruined their lives.
Thank you... Not looking forward to the fall out but better that than having to live with myself if anything happened and I did nothing.
How is it that otherwise good people can be such tossers when it comes to alcohol? A whole other thread I guess.
Thanks for the handholding though, much appreciated.
MrsTerry I am so sorry to hear that. I am so sorry people like my DH don't take note
Good for you op. You did exactly the right thing.
No, I wasn't saying it to be nasty, I said it because I know that the reality of a situation feels very different when you're in the middle of it. Plus in honestly I did want to know if you'd been turning a blind eye which you obviously haven't.
When he gets caught it will be horrible, and I have every sympathy with that of course I do, but the important thing is that now you can sleep soundly at night.
I think some people think that it won't happen to them. The longer he has been doing it the more of a false sense of security he will have. BTW, does he have a drinking problem? My experience is that the two (driving and problem) frequently go hand in hand.
You did the right thing. When I was 17 I very stupidly got into a car with a friend who was drunk. I was old enough to know better and I did it anyway. Half way back the guy reached over to fiddle with the radio and the car lurched to the left and almost hit the pavement where people were walking. Someone made him pull over and we walked the rest of the way home.
I say this because he was convinced he could still drive just fine when drunk, and I'm sure your husband believes that to, but nevertheless my friend was seconds away from hurting or killing someone. It can happen so easily. All I can remember thinking afterwards was that we would all have been responsible if something had happened because we had all gone along with it. The same awful guilt would be yours if your husband hit someone on the way back home, along with the agony of those affected.
Sorry this is so long. But when you realise that there is something you could have done you would do anything to change things.
I hadn't thought he had a drinking a problem tbh but now I can't see how he can get drunk and drive and not have a problem
I can't see how he could expect to be fine with drink driving otherwise - it just doesn't make sense
He isn't what I'd call a typical alcoholic but I guess drinking problems come in many guises
Well done, OP
Will you tell him you reported him ?
angrytrees that is chilling. Thank you, what a stark reminder of what could happen
I feel sick just thinking about it
Part of the problem is that he is an excellent driver which I think gives him false confidence
AnyFucker I don't know ... I need to have a think about that.
One could argue that he is not an excellent driver if he doesn't understand reaction times and obey the rules of the road. You know, one could, I wouldn't.
To answer if he has an alcohol problem... He drinks. Does it cause him serious problems? With life, relationships, work, friends, family. Does he continue to drink? Yes? He has a drinking problem.
Well done OP! Too many awful mistakes could made here. You may have saved your DH life. You should be proud of yourself
No, he isn't an excellent driver if he drives pissed.
Well done OP. Hopefully he learns his lesson.
MrsTerry good way of looking at it!
OrangeLily thank you, I hadn't thought of it like that!
Thanks Goths I just know nothing will change if it is down to him
Oh and yes, I realise what a dufus I sounded with my comment about him being an excellent driver! When he's sober, he drives well... Deciding to drive when drunk obviously makes him a shit driver...
Curious as to whether you are going to tell him you reported him?
Personally I would not have reported my DH (although he doesn't really drink) I would have laid down an ultimatum and told him that it was unacceptable and that if he didn't agree never to do it again then it would lead to serious problems in our relationship.
I can't see how this course of action won't damage your relationship (with you ending up as the bad guy)
Hope it all goes well though. Clearly he shouldn't be doing what he is doing.
Crimestoppers is really for historical crimes where you have info.
TBH if you have the courage of your convictions you should be able to man up and tell your partner you dobbed them in. But you won't, knowing he will lose his job and probably your relationship will end if he finds out you have made him financially reliant upon you.
I'm not disagreeing with your course of action - I just think you should have the balls to own up it was you.
Hope you're ok whatever the outcome.
Well done - I think drink driving is a sickening, selfish thing
Well done OP. You have done the right thing and I appreciate it must have been difficult.
Your DH also needs to consider getting new mates if they are happy to condone his drink/driving.
Well done OP, you have done the right thing. It can't have been easy.
I wouldn't report my DP but i would be .
Good for you, I hope I'd do the same.
virgil I have let him know in no uncertain terms what I think. I reported him because that was the only thing I could do tonight. I couldn't live with the idea of letting it go this evening and having another conversation tomorrow morning.
holly the reason I haven't decided if I am going to tell him is that this has all been pretty stressful. I don't know if I can stay with someone who thinks it's ok to drive drunk but my immediate objective was to stop it happening tonight. Everything else can be dealt with tomorrow.
foggles good point. They certainly don't help!
Thanks everyone for your support.
Then that's fine mycatrocks. You seem to have already reached a point where you can see that the relationship is affected anyway. My point was simply that if you report your DH to the police thus jeopardising his livelihood and business that is bound to damage your relationship when he finds out.
Well done mycat. Take your time deciding whether to tell your h or not as only you can any idea of what the consequences will be. Please ignore the bullshit about "having the balls to own up" that's your decision to make.
Well done OP, that can't have been easy. I'm sorry you have so much to think about - driving drunk on a regular basis is not the hallmark of a good person. Once is bad, but still in the realms of being a mistake that can be learned from, regretted and if there were no consequences, the driver and the poor people around them were very lucky. Regular is disgusting behaviour.
I'm sure this makes me sound like a completely unfeeling bitch but I wouldn't tell him, not yet.
I'd wait til I know he's going to do it and report him then and there so he gets pulled over. I would tell him straight away afterwards though.
If it was a one-off then yes, I'd have the conversation and give him my opinion in no uncertain terms. In this situation, finding out he's been "doing it for years"? It's gone way past time for second chances.
I know I sound heartless but it's prolonged behaviour. A genuine problem. It's not going to fix itself with just a talk. It's gone way passed that.
I've seen the fall-out from DUI's from both sides, both the victim's and the perpetrator's family's.
Maybe that colours my view.
The OP hasn't done anything to jeopardise her drink-driving partner's livelihood and business. And Holly misses the point in a big way with her talk about about having the 'balls to tell him she's made him financially dependent on her.
HE has jeopardised his own life, and other people's, by drink driving, repeatedly, and ignoring pleas from the OP to stop it.
Hopefully he will get pulled over, breathalysed, found to be over the limit and fined/penalised accordingly.
Which is much better than drunkenly ploughing into another car or pedestrian, injuring or killing them, and getting a more severe penalty on top of the minor detail of causing injury and grief to people who are totally blameless.
I'm sure the op hasn't done this lightly (who want their dp to be financially dependent on them for no good reason?). I'm grateful she had the balls to do it, and she's done him a favour he doesn't deserve by dobbing him in before he kills himself or someone else.
My neighbour, a 17 year old girl, was killed by a drunk driver.
You have absolutely done the right thing.
I think you've done the right thing but I don't think you should admit to him what you've done because there are going to be lots of negative consequences for him - a criminal record, massive increase in car insurance, driving ban - and he will invariably blame you for that!
Please tell us what happens next.
Very brave - can't have been easy, but you've done the right thing. Hope this is the wakeup call he needs to stop this behaviour - before its too late and he hurts or kills someone ((hugs))
Can you tell crimestoppers where dh is so they cab catch them all coming out?
Poppadom I am so sorry to hear that. Makes me more sure that it was the right thing to do.
Rain thank you. I have tried to talk to DH, I have suggested alternatives (staying with his friend who lives close by, getting a cab home etc), I got nowhere. I just want it stop. For him, for those he could potentially hurt or kill. Obviously I wouldn't choose to be in this position but given i am in it, I couldn't duck the issue.
Thanks everyone. I am going to sign off for now but I will let you know what happens.
Thanks for your thoughts and support x
maddening yes I have told them where he is. They said they were going to let the local police station know. I didn't think there was much they could do without catching him in the act
I salute you for your courage & bravery. You have acted correctly.
Well done mycat I believe you've done the decent thing.
As a guess he might work out it was you if the police are waiting for him to make a move, it'll seem a bit too much of a coincidence that you've pulled him up on it, then he gets stopped.
You may have saved someone's life tonight, please let us know how you are tomorrow.
I didn't realise he was out right now.
You've done a very brave thing op. If you've told the police what time he is likely to leave they will do their best to be there and catch him.
You are a good person and you've done a good thing, don't forget that.
I mean I didn't know he would still definitely be driving home tonight, I thought you'd talked to him in the mean-time.
He is self employed and will not be able to work without his license but I earn enough to support both of us. I would rather do that than see him kill or injure himself or someone else.
Why are you willing to take him on financially when he can't even be arsed to take care of himself, his family and his friends? (driving drunk).
I wouldn't even want a man like that in my life, never mind supporting him, financially or whatever.
You know by condoning, or putting up with his behaviour you are co-dependent, I believe they call it.
Of course you have to call the police! But they're not going to sort out why you are with this man....
One day YOU could be in that car (or DC).
I just can't understand why someone wouldn't take a cab in that situation. He clearly needs to have a drink and I would bet knowing he's driving home will stop him from drinking as much as he wants to. Why not pay for a bloody cab both ways, ffs?
I think you should have hidden the car keys and told him to get a cab, tbh. Personally I wouldn't want to live with someone who could drink and drive like that. It smacks of arrogance and a lack of care about anyone else.
And I wouldn't want to financially support him, either. No way.
He has a drinking problem, OP, yes ?
If he ends up with no job and unable to drive is he then going to be moping about and drinking at home? I agree totally with what the op has done but concerned about the consequences for her really.
If he's likely to get booked and come home raging and drunk just be careful. Don't have the conversation until he is Dover.
Very brave and the right choice
This is appalling. My DH needs his license to work and is also self-employed. He would never do this.
As a teenager I lost a classmate and my boyfriend's best mate in two separate drink drive accidents. I have told DH I will report anyone who drunk drives and I mean it.
I wouldn't tell him you had reported it. To me, that means he will think YOU have the problem, and so it is ok to drunk drive if you don't know. Not knowing who reported him will make him more paranoid and will hopefully have more effect.
Not sure whether he'll find out anyway that op reported him if he gets arrested? I'm wondering whether the police will have to serve papers including statements about what he was doing when he was stopped, and how come they stopped him.
I hate to tell you this, but chances are he wont get caught the first time you report him.
There was a regular at the pub I used to work in who would drive home in a rare old state, nothing anyone did or said would stop him. Because it was in a naice teeny village (he lived the next village along), there weren't regular police patrols. We (me and other staff) shopped him ..... not sure the total of times but I rang atleast half a dozen times and there were 7 other staff who would all ring if they saw him when they were on shift. It took three months for him to get caught, but when he did he was 4 times over the limit and lost his license for 2 years.
This is "a friend told me" because I didnt work at the pub then but another regular drink driver lost his license and started flying his helicopter to the pub, as no one could pull him over for that. I have this from lots of regulars that this is true and I saw the helicopter myself so I know he has one. As you can guess from the fact he had a helicopter, he was STINKING rich and a taxi would have cost him less than the fuel to fly but it was the principle apparently. The principle of being able to kill someone if he chose too I assume. Before he got his license back, they moved to a house just over the road from the pub, thank god.
Further to what Britta said....
My best friend parents used to go a social club in their city where they and most of their friend drank and drove home. Over the course of 2 weekends 9 people were caught and it came out that it was the wife of one of the members because she was sick of him and them doing it. They all blamed her! Even my friend said that they would have been fine if she hadnt dobbed them in. Not one of them to my knowledge accepted that if they hadnt been drinking and driving then they wouldnt have been in trouble, no it was the fault of the person who reported them
You absolutely did the right thing op
Is this a generational thing, because I wouldn't dream of driving a car anywhere after I'd had even a sip of alcohol. Some friends may have a half or a weak lager shandy, but most are totally abstemious (late 20s early 30s)
I do know plenty of middle age people who drive after consuming way over the limit and think nothing of it.
Well done for reporting him.
Let us know how you get on.
I have reported family members for drink driving previously, my alcoholic uncle (who has never passed a driving test) and BIL.
BIL was young and stupid and thought he was invincible, he didn't think about other people. He was caught, breathalysed, takento the police station and breathalysed again where he was just under the limit.
That was enough for him and he's never done it since. He knows I reported him, and he thanks me for it. On new yeas eve he came to our house with his gf, and he said straight away he was driving home. He drank tea all night, I was very proud of him.
Well done for reporting DH, it's not easy, but in the long run, you may have just saved a life or two.
A good friend of mine was killed at 17 by a drunk driver. The driver was his friend and was driving the car (just down the road to buy more booze). They hit a tree and he died instantly. The friend managed to avoid prison due to his age but killed himself a few years later due to his guilt That is the sort of devastation that your DH could produce.
The police did go to where DH was parked. I think they must have blown their cover though as he got in but didn't start driving. They said they suspectd he was going to drive over the limit and breathalysed him - he was way over
Obviously they couldn't do anything as he hadn't actually driven but they read him the riot act and told him what the maximum penalty could have been had they caught him driving. Needless to say he took a cab home.
He is really shaken by it. I don't know whether this will get him to stop doing it or if this is just a morning after thing which will go away next time there is a get together.
I will absolutely be calling the police if he does go out again with the intention of driving home drunk.
Where this leaves us, I am not sure. Certainly the man I married, or thought I married, wouldn't do such a dispicable thing.
Lots to think about.
Thank you am for sharing your thoughts and experiences though, it really helped me get a perspective on things. I am so sorry for those of you who have lost friends and loved ones to drunk drivers.
mycatrocks it sounds like what happened is the best possible thing and you were right to report him. I believe that had he so much turned the key, he could have been done. So I think it sounds like the police have handled it brilliantly and with a lot of sensitivity towards the circumstances and you tbh.
It means you aren't faced with the consequences of him having to go to court and him loosing his licence.
Perhaps seeing this anyone else in a similar position will be more likely to have the courage to do what you have.
With luck he'll take the hint.
I hope you are ok this morning though.
HE was lucky, they could have arrested him for being "drunk in charge of a motor vehicle" which has harsh punishments. If he has any points already on his license, he would most certainly lose it as the minimum penalty is 10 points.
Well done, OP. You've done the right thing.
What I find staggering is that he goes out knowing full well that he will drive back drunk! He goes out with the intention to get drunk and to drive back drunk. Shocking.
He was very lucky then, as I have been led to believe that getting in the car on the drivers side with the keys was enough to prove intent and can lead to prosecution. If I need to get something from the car when I have had a drink I open the car from the house leave the keys there and go to the car and get whatever it is, then lock the car on returning to the house for this reason.
Mycat - you strong woman you! You've tried to all to him, suggest alternatives and have now made a difficult but the right decision. With any luck, he would have been shook up enough to stop. I hope he does. If not, you might have to report again I a couple of weeks ut I really hope it doesn't come to that. Big hugs - that must have been hard for you to do.
Thank you all!
I think he was stopped as he put things in the passenger side (he had some work stuff with him) so he was near it and had keys etc but could have argued (and presumably did) that he wasn't going to drive? I am not sure tbh.
God I am so pissed off with him that he does this in the first place and has put me in this situation.
FWIW he is still quite shakey about it all. I am really hoping this is enough of a shock to make him stop being such a tosser.
He was very lucky not to be charged, my DH was prosecuted because he was asleep on the back seat of his car whilst drunk. He had his keys in his pocket and had zero intention of driving. He lost his license for two years and recieved points on his license, as a result he lost his job. It was very hard on all of us as we lived in middle of nowhere and had to walk 2 miles to nearest shop. (which he did without complaining)
I hope he has been shockedinto learning his lesson and will leave his keys at home next time. How did he get home that night?
cloud wow, then DH was lucky. He took a cab home. It's sooooo not hard to do. Hopefully he will see how easy it is and do it again next time.
Mycat i want to say well done too.
Before Christmas i began a thread about my DH drinking and driving after work on a Friday. It had been going on about 4 months i think. I wont try and link to it because it was a short thread as i felt so ashamed about it i chickened out of my own thread so there wasn't much to it
What there was, though, gave me shove to have the 'serious talk' with DH. Reporting him was an option beginning to swirl around in the back of my mind but i was struggling to face it.
I'm happy to say that the day we talked seriously about it he stopped going to the pub after work on Fridays and has stopped the 'one or two wont hurt' thing. He admitted he had to stop and was struggling with his drinking. I'm happy to say that so far he's still on the up
(AF, i hope you're reading x)
I wish you all the best OP. You absolutely did the right thing.
Well done for what you did.
I always say If you have enough money to get pissed up, then you have enough money to get a cab.
I hope he learns x
Also I wouldn't let on that you rang.
Next time he's pissed he might go mad at you.
Hopefully he will be so paranoid when he next goes in the pub as to 'who did it' he might thing it was a huge rugby type bloke, sitting at the bar & lets hope its scared him enough to never do it again.
Dont let on that you rang. Well done.
Well done for reporting him, I think you did the right thing, I don't think you need to tell him it was you, vintageviolets has a good point
hiding yes, I am still reading and very happy to read your update
I hope that things continue to work for you, but you know what to do if things slide, don't you x
Back in the eighties I had a friend who was at Imperial College. Really bright, clever and funny. Thanks to the drunken arse in a mini that came off Hammersmith flyover, he now can't walk, talk or wipe his own arse. He has the mental capacity of a five year old. He was going to be a research scientist. Could have saved millions of lives, but some drunken twat......
You really did do the right thing OP.
Crime stoppers obviously can't do anything except arrest him and question him and i don't even know if they would, but if you tell him you have reported him and given his registration then it could flag up and they would pull him. This really lays down how serious you are and if he does it again on his head be it. Tell him. He won't get charged without a breath test. If he does it again you could 999 him and he will think it was flagged, but job done if he calls your bluff.
OP, the important thing is that you have taken action to stop him. Only you can decide whether to tell him that you reported him.
A few months back one of my DD's friends was badly injured in her mum's car when it was hit by a drunk driver. She was within a whisker of not making it several times and is now walking round with a big metal halo holding her head still while her broken neck heals.
The drunk driver is well known to us. He had offended before and it seems clear that there were others around him that day who couldn't fail to know he was unfit to drive. He made a habit of it, was already drunk and was driving to a pub to drink some more. There is no public transport so he obviously intended to drive home again.
If just one of those people had reported him in the months/years before the accident this girl and her family would have been saved a terrible trauma.
You could very well have saved the lives of a few people including your DH, people you care about who could be travelling with him and other innocent children.
Oops . Should have flipped thread. Well done OP. No need to fess up. Job done. )
What also worries me is his friends who he gets drunk with. They know full well he will be driving home drunk.
Glad he is shaken - hope he mends his ways.
Wow thank you for your posts and for still checking in.
I am so sad for those of you who know people killed or injured by drunk drivers. I just don't get it myself. I don't drive even if I have only had half a glass of wine because I know it does have an impact on my reactions.
I have a horrid feeling his friends just don't bother saying anything because they all think he's going to be fine. After doing it so long so regularly, I think they all have a false sense of security.
PIL and two of DH's aunts have all been prosecuted for drunk driving - they all think it's hilarious. DH says he is shocked by their attitude but then it looks like he feels the same way. I want to show them all your posts about people being hurt or killed by people who got behind the wheel while drunk - presumably all of those pissed drivers also thought they would be totally fine.
hiding I am so pleased things worked out for you after your chat.
DH has just gone to pick his car up. Interestingly, he left it until he was totally sure there was no alcohol left in his system. I hope it's not a one off.
Well he may find that the odd bored officer turns up around closing time now and then just to do a quick check in case his good intentions fade with time.
But you have condoned it in the past if you have previously had the discussion!
I would leave my Dh in a heartbeat if he ever done that, I know first hand the pain and devastation these selfish bastards cause.
Phew! Good for you. If he starts up again, I think you can assume he has an issue with his drinking. For now, I hope he has earned his lesson.
I suggest you point out to him that the police now have his car's details on their system and will be looking out for him, particularly in the evenings. That might reinforce the idea that he just mustn't take that risk again.
Well done - I think drink driving is a sickening, selfish thing too many ppl are killed by drink drivers
No one confronts a drink problem (which this is) while someone else is willing to cover up for them. So good for you, OP.
Knowing that he's drunk driving and doing nothing is called "enabling". Every time someone cleans up vomit or phones their DH's work to tell them he's
too hungover to work ill or ignores their DH's drink-driving, they're enabling. Enabling means promoting and supporting the drinker's addiction. This is a really common mistake, and most families of problem drinkers do it to some extent.
Drinkers only face the truth when those around them stop providing alibis. And of course, if you hadn't reported him and he then killed someone you'd always blame yourself a bit.
Well done OP.
Don't forget to remind him that if the police have almost caught someone they tend to go back to the same pub again.
I'm surprised he wasn't arrested.
I know people who have been, its called drunk in charge of a vehicle.
And I wonder how many people who drink a bottle of wine at night realise they could still be over the limit until about midday.
And I know people who been charged for that as well.
As another who had a friend killed by a drunk driver (at age 24 - thankfully the driver is in jail now) I just want to also say well done for what you did. A very difficult situation but you did the right thing.
Well done, and good luck for whatever happens.
Thanks all for your posts ... I am feeling a bit shaky myself tbh! But you have all convinced me that I did the right thing.
And thanks for the tips about telling him the police have him on their system and know where the pub is.
popcornpaws I don't see how I have condoned it? When I met him he said he used to drive while drunk but had realised how stupid it was so didn't do it any more. I found out when he got home last week that this wasn't true. Last night was the first night since then that I knew, despite my attempts to dissuade him, that he was going to do it again. How exactly have I condoned it...?
You know he'll be banned for a year? That's ok with your family routine?
Suprised the police didn't do him for drunk in charge tbh.
cloudpuff where was your DH parked in relation to where he'd been drinking and where you live?
You know he'll be banned for a year? That's ok with your family routine?
Are you criticising the OP for putting people's lives before her family routine?
chipping he was a away at a two day festival type event, the car was parked on the camping section which was essentialy a field. He had had quite a lot to drink and was planning on sleeping in the tent but a fight broke out which dh tried to stop and got half his ear bitten off and a good kicking in the process so he went to hide on the back seat of the car (at the event part) and fell asleep, an hour or so later the police woke him up.
The police removed his keys and didnt close the car door properly so it wasnt secure he got back to the car the next day a lot of expensive equipment relating to the event had been stolen and the car battery was flat.
the car was parked at the event bit in the next field and dh was planning on sleeping in his tent (also stolen) on the camping section. Sorry for any confusion.
No. Just checking she realized.
I'm lad to hear that because I'd hate to think someone would refrain from reporting a drink driver in order to avoid disrupting their family routine.
My friend's family routine was dreadfully disrupted when her DD was in a coma in a hospital 20 miles away for 2 weeks.
OP - result! Thanks to you and the police, nobody died, was hurt or took a risk, including your husband. You may have saved more than one life.
let's hope he realises this too. good luck.
It takes a lot of courage to report a family member for drink driving. I wish more people were courageous. My uncle was an officer in the RAF, he was killed by a drunk driver 3 days before he was due to get married. I was very young at the time and all I remember was having wedding cake at the wake. The grief tore his family apart and my grandparents divorced the following year, after 35+ years of marriage. This was over 30 years ago and I know my mum still waits for him to come home.
Maureen yes I know and no it's not ok with our routine. But we'll just have to manage if that does happen. Using public transport seems an easier option than living with myself knowing I could have prevented death or injury.
panda so sad. I am so sorry. Makes me feel I have done the right thing though ...
You did absolutely the right thing op. He's been very very lucky that they let him off, just being near your car and in position of your car keys can be enough to state intent to drive.
Hopefully he realises just how lucky he's been and sorts himself out.
Don't ever feel any doubt over just how important what you did is. By sticking to your principles and doing what's right not what's easy you have potentially saved lives.
Whatever the future holds you know just how strong you can be.
Well done OP, I think you did that right thing and you're very brave. Not everyone would have the courage to do what you did, thank you.
Zavi If he hadn't actually started driving then he could reasonably claim he wasn't drunk driving, so they could only read him the riot act.
Not an easy position to be in. I did the same with my own brother a few months back. You did the right thing.
OP you did the right thing and hopefully this is enough to get your 'd'h to stop for ever now. Well done.
I'm glad you reported him. I worked with someone who got in a car with a drunk driver. He lost control of the car and crashed. She became paralysed from the waist down. Ruined her life and that of her daughter who went off the rails as a young teen as she couldn't cope with the fall out.
It's not just if you actually kill someone, it's also if you nearly do.
OP you have so done the right thing, well done you! I hope it deters him in the future.
My ex's dad used to drive drunk every Friday. He would leave work (in work's van) and visit several pubs on the way home, all driving while completely trollied. My ex knew (i didn't) we were 15 and he reported him once nothing came of it. It wasn't until his dad hit and killed a young girl that I found out. His wife knew what he was doing, so did his workplace and NO ONE reported him except his 15 year old son once who was terrified of him! There is no excuse for it, horrendous behaviour
10 years on I'm still and for the girls' family and his poor son
Zavi...the correct course of action if you suspect trollery is to report to HQ
Some of us have been banned for less (when it really was a troll, actually)
Zavi OP said she has just found out he has been doing it historically.
Doubt thee not and if still in doubt, report, as AF says.
This was the second time that she knew he was doing it Zavi. And if this was me I think I would have name changed especially if my husband knew my username.
zavi I didn't say he has only done it twice - don't know where you got that from? Maybe when I said that I thought he had stopped but realised he drove drunk last week and then was planning to do it again last night?
Also, he didn't come out of a pub. And he came out alone. So that's why his mates weren't tested. Also not sure if any of them had their cars with them, the place they go is right next to a train station and on a bus route, which is I assume how he convinced the police he wasn't going to drive. I can give you the OS grid ref if you don't believe me.
I didn't realise I had to outline every detail to prove I am not making it up. If I have left out anything pertinent then I think it's probably because I just reported my husband, had to to deal with the fact that he is an irresponsible twat and that this may well end our marriage as I hate what he's done. So, y'know, soz.
Wow, can't believe you think anyone would make up the last 24hrs ... It's been truly horrendous.
Thank you to everyone else for your support. DH is still pretty contrite. I am hoping it will last.
And yes I have name changed because DH does know my username
Ive not read the whole thread but i reported my boyfriend for taking my car when he was drunk (we'd had a huge row) anyway they came he was arrested i didnt press charges for takin the car and they had a shop receipt to provr he had driven. Everyone i spoke to said i was right to do it he and his friends never forgave me though. Rid of him now anyway the twat.
lora thanks, helps to know other people have done something similar. I know now it was the right thing to do long term, I just suspect it's going to make the short term pretty crap. At least I stopped him driving home drunk last night, doesn't feel like much but hopefully it's a start!
Brave, OP. You did the right thing.
Here's hoping it's the shock he needs.
Please don't say it doesn't feel like much. It's a lot believe me.
I feel for you I really do, I can only imagine how sh'll-shocked you must feel now the adrenaline is dying down.
What you must remember though is what's important. And that's not what you have found out about your husband, but what you've found out abut yourself.
If dh heeds the warning then you couldn't have had a better outcome - well done op
So sorry you're having to do all this.
I'm sure police quite deliberately ensured he did not drive.
I do have a bit of an update ... H is looking into buying a breathalyser. I am in two minds about this - on the one hand, I think he just shouldn't bloody drink at all if he's going to drive; on the other, I think at least it's better than doing nothing. I appreciate that it is ok to have a bit to drink as long as he stays within the legal limit but I also think that if one has a problem with drinking, it's easier just to abstain totally.
I suspect he is overestimating how much he can drink while staying within the legal limit so maybe after he has tried it a few times and seen how little he can have (compared to what he normally has), he might start getting cabs or not drinking.
Thanks again for your posts, I was feeling very isolated and you've all helped me get a decent perspective on it
It will probably help him to see how little it takes to push him over the limit.
He just needs to bear in mind that being under the limit when he gets in the car does not mean he will still be under it at the end of the journey. Alcohol continues to be absorbed into the blood stream.
It would be a shame if he were to end up getting prosecuted when he was trying to do the right thing.
"I suspect he is overestimating how much he can drink while staying within the legal limit so maybe after he has tried it a few times and seen how little he can have (compared to what he normally has), he might start getting cabs or not drinking."
Fingers crossed for you!
Oh that's a good point, I hadn't thought of that.
Hmmmmm. He's just suggested that if he gets a digital one he can use it throughout an evening at home to see what happens - that might be a good idea in terms of seeing how little it takes be over the limit and to the levels going up after he's finished drinking.
Tbh I am hoping it all becomes so tricky he just ditches the booze if he's driving... <wishful thinking?>
Have you compared the cost of a breathalyser to say a months worth of cabs?
Seems like he is refusing to accept that drinkng when you are going to drive is wrong, no matter what the amount and is trying to find a way that he can still drive home.
I would not be happy about this at all tbh OP, it doesnt seem like he has learnt not to drink and drive but to try and not get caught
Oh and the ones you can buy are not the same, or as sensitive as the ones the police use. So it could tell him that he is just under the limit but they will find that actually he is over it.
Bare in mind they are not always calibrated as sensitively as the police's own, plus it would be easy to start guessing based on past readings on his machine.
ie: 'hmm, last time i had a meal out and two pints i was under the limit. Today i've had a sandwich and one pint - i must be ok.'
Not necessarily so. Two friends of DHs were breathalised by the police at the same time a few years ago, both had eaten about the same amount of food and drunk the same amount of alcohol together at lunch, both were similar builds - one read over the limit, one read under.
Panda - ypur comment about your mum waiting for her brother to come home had me in tears.
OP - your husband needs more of a fright I think as buying the breathalyser just seems like a way to drink and still drive.
I wouldn't be showing anyone this thread as then your H knows it was you who called the police and there might be no coming back from that.
There are three breathalysers that have been approved for police use and none of them are available on Amazon (for eg!) so he will never be sure that he is actually getting an accurate reading until the day he gets it wrong
I have been told that the breathalisers are not necessarily that accurate and also if your DH had checked he was ok but was then stopped by the police and their test said he was over the limit it is irrelevant what the test he originally did said.
You really cannot drink very much to stay within the limit and there are no clear guidelines of exactly how much anyway!
I am shocked that his answer to it is to buy a breathaliser TBH. I know drink problems have been mentioned earlier in the thread - I would be seriously concerned that this may be an issue!
OP - you are really brave to have done this, it must be very difficult as he is still your husband but you know you have done the right thing after hearing everyones stories.
I lost a friend in my early 20's as he crashed whilst drink driving, luckily he was on his own and didn't hurt anyone else but it was of course devastating to his friends and family. It was horrific and it took the police half hour to find him as he had been thrown so far from the car as was also not wearing a seat belt.
I know it's not ideal. I would much rather he didn't drink at all when he's planning to drive.
I don't know whether to be supportive of this as at least he is doing something, intends to stay below the legal limit and will probably end up not drinking because he'll realise how little he can have... Or whether I should do more to stop him drinking at all. And if I want to do more, I don't know what I can do other than leave him, which is no guarantee he is going to stop drinking ... And tbh may well happen anyway.
At least I have a bit of time to think about things now though as there's not going to be another potential drink drive for two weeks...
Perhaps suggest to him that he does a few experiments at home with the thing for a while when it comes.
Hopefully it will indeed prove that trying to juggle food/alcohol/body weight/hydration is very unpredictable and therefore pretty much un-doable.
Really i would anticipate (and hope) that he'll find that drinking anything over a pint of beer is going to be sailing too close to the wind on many occasions, and therefore, really, what is the point of all this for one pint?
Your husband has a problem with alcohol as he is still trying to find a way to drink and drive
Sadly I agree with AF.
He's trying anything he can not to have to stop drinking.
Is there a reason why he won't just get a cab or the train/bus?
what would worry me is that even if he accepts drinking and driving is not on would he then get a lift with friend who may also drink drive? could they not arrange a lift system on a rota where one doesn't drink, or willing family / wives / partners do the lifts. Better still book a regular taxi.
The OP can't control her DH to the point where she has them organising a driving rota. This is probably just as much to do with the culture of the group he drinks with as his own personal views.
He is taking a step which should highlight to him how many times he has got behind the wheel while over the limit. He clearly doesn't think drinking affects his ability to drive so the next best thing is him limiting it to the point where he is unlikely to get caught.
That's a big improvement.
Yes he could still have an accident and be found to be over the limit and yes he could still injure someone, even when he is under the limit but the OP's actions have significantly reduced the danger to everyone.
I would be horrified that, after such a near miss with the police, his response is not to be shocked into not drink driving anymore but rather to try and find a way to get away with as much as he can. Honestly, the thought of buying a breathlyser would not ever have occured to me and nor, would I suspect, it have occurred to most people.
OP I don't think this is over for you, and I think you need to do some serious thinking about what behaviour you are prepared to accept.
Thanks gold , I think i would struggle to impose a rota or cab share if they don't want to do it. Especially as it is not illegal to drive after a drink (would be easier for me at the moment if it were!).
I know all of those suggestions are sensible. I know the reason DH is ignoring them is that he clearly has an issue either with drink and / or with acting like a responsible adult. I also agree that his friends are part of the problem. TBH they are all idiots and fuel each others' crapness.
On Wednesday night I just wanted to stop DH being a danger to himself and others that night. Fortunately that worked (with your encouragement so thank you again).
I think the bigger questions of what happens long term and whether I stay with him are things I will have to work out soon but not immediately. And the question of staying with him does hinge on his behaviour re driving drunk over the next few weeks. Although I am still in shock that he has been doing it for so long while I've been with him - not sure I can get over that.
If I think he's going to do it again, I will report him again. If the breathalyser thing works - and i think it will work by shocking him into realising how little it takes to put you over the limit - then that's great. If, after trying it out at home, he still thinks it's a game of beat the breathalyser rather than being responsible then that's going to be more difficult.
I guess what I am saying is that I know the situation sucks and that he has behaved like a tosser. However, I can't solve all the problems that have contributed to that immediately and really much of that is going to be up to him.
What all your posts have done is to make me absolutely sure I will report him again if I think he's going to go near the wheel after too much to drink.
The easiest thing for me to do would be to organise the cab share and pay for it myself. But this doesn't feel right - i feel he needs to take responsibility for his own actions and, if he wants to go out, he needs to work out how to do it safely. FFS I feel like I am talking about a toddler who needs to learn about responsibility and consequences
Wow, quite an inspirational story op tbh if sad. Well done you.
Only thing I would add is does he realise he needs to retake it in the morning as well to be sure not over limit again? He's as likely to be nicked then as the night previous. All same implications.
Good luck going forwards. Be strong....
You're absolutely right mycat, he's not your responsibility. You did the right thing, you know you will do the right thing next time. That's all you can, and should do.
He has to take responsibility for himself, you can't do it for him.
You're a strong woman and it looks like you'll need to be unfortunately. Just be sure that MN will be here for you whenever you need it
Thank you randall
And LaCiccolina I don't think he has thought of that. I will mention it to him... Thanks
I do think that we should have more random breath tests. And the sad thing is - just because you are under the legal limit does not make you safe to drive. Only legal.
You did the right thing - as I said upthread, his friends should also have said something if they knew he was going to drive drunk. But that's another hard position to be in.
"I don't know whether to be supportive of this as at least he is doing something....."
Being supportive of his ridiculous idea to use a breathalyser and then more than probably drive just means you are agreeable to him having alcoholic drinks and then getting into a car and driving.
"At least I have a bit of time to think about things now though as there's not going to be another potential drink drive for two weeks..."
What do your .... mean? And don't you think you need to have the conversation now rather than ten minutes before he is due to go out again?
You are right, you are not responsible for him but with what you have said if you didn't call again and he did hurt or kill someone when driving while under the influence you would feel bad as you seem like a decent person.
I wouldn't want my DP to be regularly coming home drunk, whatever form of transport he used. It's just not the sort of behaviour I could live with.
kim I would support lowering the limit and I agree that legal doesn't mean safe far from it. The current limit supports the notion you can 'have a few drinks and you'll be okay' which I think is pretty dangerous and a lower limit would support the idea that driving and alcohol don't mix at all.
I don't like the idea that the Police being able to carry out random stops, it is not a power the Police have used fairly or proportionately in the past.
Compo and Kim speaking just from a personal perspective, I think the fact that there is a legal limit is misleading. I would never have anything to drink if I am going to drive. I wouldn't have anything to drink if I needed to work, look after DC etc as I know it slows me down, albeit just a little. The idea of driving and not having my reactions as sharp as possible is frightening to me.
I am frustrated because DH uses the legal limit argument to justify drinking before driving, like it's a moral get out clause.
Huge argument this morning about it all ... No idea what's going to happen but I am being as strident as I can be. He's basically running out of arguments justifying himself so I hope it won't be long before he actually bloody gets it.
There was a crazy moment yesterday when he was having a go at people who were driving in the snow - irresponsible, likely to cause accidents etc - I pointed out the irony and he went very quiet. Not sure if he was avoiding the issue or actually taking it in.
I have told him if he loses his license, I will pay for DC and household bills (so DC and I don't suffer) but that's it.
It's very odd that this man who is usually very responsible and considerate can be such a brainless wanker about this one issue. Surely a sign of having some form of addiction problem? Or am I reading too much into it?
No, I don't think you're reading too much into it sadly.
No, you are not reading too much into it
Someone so invested in finding a way to drink at all costs has a serious problem
He may not be an alkie living in a cardboard box, but the same thought processes are at play here
No you aren't but he has to work it out for himself.
What you've done so far has kicked off some reflection and you're doing a good job by continuing to challenge him when the subject comes up.
You could go further and express the view that he shouldn't be getting behind the wheel if he's allowed any to pass his lips and put lots of pressure on him to do it your way but you would run the risk of putting him on the defensive. If he then digs his heels in the progress will go out of the window.
Keep doing what you're doing OP.
I don't think you are reading to much into it. Sadly it does sound as if he does have a problem, and no amount of bargaining, threats or tears will help him see- he will always find a way to justify it.
I speak as a daughter with an alcoholic dad. Best of luck op.
Personally I would ask for this thread to be deleted and create a new, discreet one to add updates to.
I think the details in this thread are of fairly out-able material and the fact that your DH doesn't know it was you who reported him could come back to haunt you (& probably in the not-so-foreseeable future).
I would take the car keys and hide them before he's planning to go out drinking personally, and give him a taxi number.
If he does drive, definitely report him, he could kill himself or someone else.
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