To want DH to get a grip and seriously shed the weight?

(129 Posts)
ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:30:12

Ok. Here goes. DH is Type 1 diabetic and has been for a decade. When he was diagnosed he was 'chunky' but very fit: football two or three times a week, walked plenty, played badminton and swam. He was a 34 inch waist. He contracted a viral infection and subsequently was diagnosed with diabetes in his late 20s. He has always been relatively fit but had to be on top of his weight - he has a big frame. Upon diagnosis of diabetes he did no exercise for a year as his blood sugars were just too erratic.
Slowly he took up exercise sporadically only to drift in and out of it. In the process the pounds began to pile on. For a long time we worked at it together - healthy eating, walks, etc. However, there are now 3 DC and DH has slowly over a number of years become obese.
I am in despair about this. He cannot walk because his back and calf gets too sore. He won't swim (alone or with kids) as he is too self-conscious. He refuses Weight watchers or any other slimming class, insisting that he can do this himself. He refuses any kind of professional help.
He needs to get rid of abut 6 stone. I am fully committed to helping him achieve this but I am so so frustrated. He will not exercise and can barely make it to the park with us. He is also continuing to eat crap but tells me he isn't. It is the continual procrastination that worries me/depresses me and now makes me so angry.
I appreciate it isn't easy but now, in his early 40s, he needs to seriously wise up and realise that as a family we need him to be fit and healthy.
Two years ago he lost 2 stone following a low carb diet but has since put it all back on.
We had a blazing row about it last night and I don't know where else to turn. I can't talk to friends about it as I would feel incredibly disloyal to DH. But what can I do? How can I get him off the couch?

SoleSource Wed 16-Jan-13 19:31:46

A blazing row...if that was me I would leave

SoleSource Wed 16-Jan-13 19:32:18

As I am fat too ..

magimedi88 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:32:31

Don't want to read & run.

Could he be depressed? It's all just too much for him to cope with? Possibly that needs tackling first??

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:38:36

Solesource, it's not about being fat. It's about his health - and our DC.
He can't make it to the park and back which is less than a ten mintes walk without heaving and sweating. He is sore all the time. He gets ill all the time.
We need him healthy. We need him to be there and be an active parent.
magimedi88. Yes, I think so. But DH keeps saying that if he lost the weight he would feel mentally and physically better.
I just feel really demorailsed and stuck. I love him, I want him to be healthy. Carrying so much weight is affecting us as a family and I just have no idea where to turn to next.

Do you not think the poor bloke feels bad enough without you having a go at him?

Why are you so angry with him? Do you not fancy him now he's fat? Are you concerned for his health? Do you get irritated that he's not doing what you want him to?

If my partner was in despair and picking rows with me about me being overweight, I'd leave them without a backward glance.

Although I'm probably wasting MN bandwidth by replying...

bigTillyMint Wed 16-Jan-13 19:42:59

I don't think this is just a weight issue - both DH's brother and father are probably obese, but they do physical jobs and could easily do a long walk or cycle a few miles. They do not get ill.
It sounds like he has other medical issues apart from the weight.

Obviously losing the weight would help him to get fitter though.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:45:20

Almostahipster: Have you ever tried taking three kids swimming on your own?

I do feel bad for him, but this has been an ongoing issue for years. I just want him to get some help.

I'll feel really bad for my DC if the sedentary lifestlye of my DH causes signifciant health issues -as it is threatening to do.

Is it really so wrong of me to want him to lose weight so that we can do things together as a family?

Andro Wed 16-Jan-13 19:48:02

He sounds as though he's depressed and in denial, you sound as if fear has manifested its self as anger and lost your cool - both are completely understandable!

Does your DH see a specialist diabetic nurse? If so, maybe s/he can discuss the reasons for his weight gain/lack of exercise/lack of motivation.

Have you tried discussing your fears calmly? maybe ask if he mind if you go with him the next time he has a appointment?

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:50:43

Andro, you're right. I feel impotent and frustrated.
He does see a specialist but only once a year or so and it is not the same person each visit. The advice is always very generic - and I think he needs more help. Even weightwatchers or something I think would give him some motivation. I am talking to the wall though.... sad

Actually, yes, many times. I'm a lone parent with three children.

I just think you should give your DH a break. Being angry with him is not going to motivate him to lose weight. It is very difficult to lose weight, especially if you have a medical condition.

The only way he's going to lose weight is by him wanting to, feeling supported by those around him (rather than judging him) and finding an eating plan that he's comfortable with. Plus, it might take him a few attempts before he succeeds. He needs to know that you're not going to kick off if he 'fails'.

MumVsKids Wed 16-Jan-13 19:55:19

My friend is in a very similar position.

Her DH is morbidly obese, but he does nothing to help himself. 10 years ago when they met, he was early thirties, 32-34 waist, fit, healthy and quite an attractive man. He's ex squaddie so was always quite active.

Fast forward 10 years, he now drives a hell of a distance to do his job, upwards of 4000 miles a week shock some weeks. He eats crap, takeaways every night, no breakfast unless he stops for a fry up at motorway services en route.

He's now maybe 8-10 stone overweight shock he looks twenty years older than he actually is (43), he sweats like a leaking sponge and shuffles like an old man as he can't walk properly - he waddles more than shuffles actually.

To cut to the chase, he is repulsive, his wife thins so, I think so and yet he is deaf to the comments and suggestions to take more exercise.

His wife is desperate to have back the man she married and has resorted to blazing rows to get him to listen, but to no avail. If he doesn't take action soon, i fear she will leave him as she is so worried about finding him dead after a massive heart attack.

She cannot understand why he won't do it for his DDs, and instead chooses to spend his nights in a hotel watching films or surfing the web, when he could make use of the very extensive gym facilities available to him.

Worse than this, is that he will bollock his wife around the block for treating their DDs to a McDonald's after their swimming lessons and he doesn't even see the irony. sad

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:55:56

AlmostAHipster, I didn't 'kick off'.
DH has been telling me for the past month that he is fed up being heavy, that he wants to lose weight and that he wants to feel better about himself. I have shooped accordingly, cooked accordingly and last night he turned his nose up at a decent dinner (mince and pots) and instead went out for petrol and had a McDonalds.

Sorry, but that's just shit.

DoubleMum Wed 16-Jan-13 19:56:09

You're not BU to want him to do it, of course.
But you're BVU to have a blazing row about it.

EmmaBemma Wed 16-Jan-13 19:57:16

Why are you so angry with him? Do you not fancy him now he's fat? "

What a stupid post. Do you know anything about diabetes? It's a serious enough condition on its own, and being overweight only adds to the risks. It's understandable that ali23 is worried and frustrated. It's not like someone being annoyed their husband has put on a couple of pounds over Christmas.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:57:22

MumsvKids. I understand her frustration completely.

Andro Wed 16-Jan-13 19:58:02

AlmostAHipster - are we reading the same posts?

OP has 3 dc and a DH for whom she is scared. Losing the weight, especially with type 1 diabetes will not be easy but if he's not eating sensibly then he's on a path to self destruction! OP just doesn't want to be a widowed mother of 3!

EmmaBemma Wed 16-Jan-13 19:59:27

"But you're BVU to have a blazing row about it."

These things happen. Sounds like there's been a long lead-up to the blazing row, and whilst it's less than ideal, I can understand it. We're none of us perfect.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:59:42

EmmaBemma. Exactly. We have three kids! I need him to be involved and also to be able to take kids to the park/beach on his own from time to time so that I get an hour to myself to do chores or sort things out at home or, god forbid, an hour to myself - which I never. ever get. Instead, he is always worried he'll 'hypo' on his own because the walk to the park takes so much out of him.

Vakant Wed 16-Jan-13 20:00:07

Yanbu. I don't know why you are getting such a hard time from some posters. You just want him to be healthy and be around for you and your kids. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. If he was a smoker with smoking related health problems and that was preventing him from participating fully in family life, then I doubt anyone would say you were being unreasonable.

So if a woman on here complains that her DH hates the fact that she's put on weight during the marriage, then most posters will respond that he's a bastard but it's ok for a wife to be angry about it?

M'kay then hmm

Fluffy1234 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:00:39

I feel sorry for your DH, the last thing he needs is you on his back. OP have you ever been fat? I've been in the position of your DH when I was obese and he started the nagging etc. It really doesn't help.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:01:08

Andro - this is really helpful. Thanks so much.

EmmaBemma Wed 16-Jan-13 20:01:13

Read my post, Hipster. There are serious health implications involved here, life-limiting ones - it's not like creeping up from a size 12 to a size 16.

IslaValargeone Wed 16-Jan-13 20:02:21

I too am wondering whether depression might be a factor?
I don't think you are being unreasonable to want him to lose the weight. If somebody's lifestyle was affecting them to the point where they could not walk or engage with the family, any body would be pissed off.
I don't see it should be any different because it's a food issue. This is resolvable and I think you are justified in being upset.
That being said, I think you need to push for some help from a dietician or other specialist. I'm surprised his diabetic specialist isn't voicing more concern or giving him a referral.
Maybe a calm chat about seeing the GP to express any concerns over help with potential depression issues and taking it from there?

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:03:39

Hipster - he is obese. He is Type 1 diabetic. He is in his 40s. It is frightening.

He isn't carrying a few pounds - he cannot do basic things with us as a family. I feel like I am carrying everyone, while working FT, and in my free time I do stuff with the kids - more often than not on my own.

Is it wrong to want him to be able to join in basic, everyday events?

Andro Wed 16-Jan-13 20:03:42

AlmostAHipster - big difference between 1 argument based on fear and concern and a weight gain that isn't having a noticeable effect of health.

I'm aware of the health implications. I just think the OP's anger is not helping the situation.

CheCazzo Wed 16-Jan-13 20:04:31

Have you or has he - or would he - consider bariatric surgery? Sounds to me like it's all become too much for him to cope with and I'd have thought he'd be an ideal candidate for gastric band/bypass surgery. Maybe at the very least it's worth exploring?
I think, however, that you need to understand that all the shouting in the world isn't going to make him change his ways. Only he can do that when he's ready and for himself. You can't shout him into it.

ubik Wed 16-Jan-13 20:06:50

I can totally understand op - my dad is obese and type 2 diabetic and mum has had rows with him about his health - he us at increased risk if stroke, heart attack, cancer etc.

My dad had refused to confront it, refused to see GP or attend his diabetes clinic.

York DP had 3 young children and if must be so worrying - would he go to his GP? Can you get him to the gym? There are outdoor exercise groups such as British Military Fitness which might appeal and they have members of all shapes and sizes.

Poor guy, must be very unhappy.

ubik Wed 16-Jan-13 20:07:22

York? Your DP has... ( bloody phone)

It's really tricky. It boils down to the fact that unless he wants to shift the weight and is prepared to do something about it, it won't happen.

This time last year my DH was very overweight. I'd dropped hints, talked frankly about the risks to his health (heart disease and diabetes run in his family anyhow), tried to guilt-trip him into losing weight for the sake of our DSs blush Nothing worked. Then SIL and BIL started doing SW, every family get-together they were talking about it, so I picked up tips on how it worked and started trying to put DH on Slimming World by stealth - haha. He twigged that I was doing that, moaned about me ruining roast dinners by making them healthy etc etc but after a few days and several delicious healthy meals he said Ok, if you're willing to support me and cook healthily I will stop snacking and take this seriously. By September he'd lost 5st 4lbs and gone from 42" to 32" waist!! shock I'd wanted him to lose weight for years but he had to want to do it himself. I do feel ashamed about nagging him to do it, but now he says he's very grateful that I encouraged him. He now watches what he eats but allows himself treats in moderation too.

A happy side effect of eating more healthily is that he no longer suffers with bad knees, frequent heartburn/indigestion etc and can run (couldn't before).

Do you do most of the cooking? If so Slimming World might be the way forward?

Its normal food ie spag bol, chilli, cottage pie all healthy. He won't know he's on a diet.
I have spare books i can send you if your interested? Let me know as i think SW is great and gets good results.

Andro Wed 16-Jan-13 20:08:29

AlmostAHipster - if OP were constantly having blazing rows about it I'd agree with you, but she lost her cool once (that we know about). Anyone can reach break point and lose it - how many parents with a toddler and a newborn post on here because sleep deprivation, screaming baby and an innocuous action have resulted in 'shouty mummy'? The only difference hear is that it's fear and frustration that have built up and produced an instance of 'shouty wife'.

IslaValargeone Wed 16-Jan-13 20:10:00

Agree with Andro.

Biltongmuncher Wed 16-Jan-13 20:10:26

YANBU, maybe you need to have a row to get him to hear you, or scare him into doing something! Has he tried lighter life or one of those programmes? Had a friend who did it with amazing success.

In all honesty, you would be a worse partner if you just left him to continue destroying himself. By having a row you are showing how much you care. Hope he can see that!

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:11:36

He did a bit of shouting too!

IslaValargeone Wed 16-Jan-13 20:11:54

mummy, op cooked for him last night and he went for a McDonalds instead.

I think the difference here is that the OP is not saying she wants her dh to lose weight to be more attractive but instead she is quite legitimately saying he has health issues that need addressing.

If you can't make it ten minutes to the park then you have a problem that you need to see the doctor about.

Quite simply he has a health condition that needs addressing.

I am also overweight and I'm sure if it prevented me walking 10 minutes I'd do something about it.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:12:56

Mummytowillow - I will give it a try. I do try and make sure what we have at home is decent food as we usually all eat together. It's when he's not at home that is the bulk of the problem or when I go to bed. He is a bit of a nightowl and will surf on the laptop while munching through all sorts of goodies.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 16-Jan-13 20:13:50


He needs to grow up and manage his illness, and that means managing his weight too.

Checazzo he would not be a candidate for bariatric surgery unless he was well motivated to lose weight. As part of the preop work up you have to demonstrate this motivation by losing some weight on your own and then have to follow a very specific liver reduction diet prior to surgery. If he can't keep to a simple diet he wouldn't manage any of this so would not get the op.

Op, YANBU to be frustrated but shouting will not help. Would he come to your gp with you to talk this through? Also what is it he doesn't like about weight watchers? If he didn't want to go to a meeting with mostly women there is an online version which I have done - admittedly to lose a lot less weight.

AngryTrees Wed 16-Jan-13 20:17:04

Just curious OP- is he checking his blood sugar and taking medication when he should?

I sympathise completely with you. It's hard to watch someone talk about how they want to do something (in this case lose weight) but refuse to take any action to move towards that goal, and in fact behave in a way that moves them away from it.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:18:54

Yes, Trees, he does check blood sugars regularly and takes medication. He will also go through phases of reading loads about weight loss and diabetes but it is never sustained.

Actually you could do weight watchers online by stealth as others have done with slimming world? There is a built in number of points to splurge with which might be able to account for some snacking as long as he wasn't doing this too much.

RunnerHasbeen Wed 16-Jan-13 20:20:25

I don't feel sorry for him, I think it is disrespectful to have someone make a lot of effort on your behalf if you don't put in any effort yourself. OP has shopped, cooked and listened to him and is now asking what else she can do. It sounds like all he has actively done about his weight/health is complain and moan.

He will have to sort it out at some point, diabetics can't just carry on eating without thinking about it. If he leaves it for a few more years he would be looking back at all the times he couldn't be an active father, all he's missed out on and possibly be more ill than if he tackled it now. Does he see a diabetes support nurse or dietician, would he be willing to listen to them?

Is it possible that he hasn't fully accepted having diabetes and the life changes it involves? I have a different chronic condition and after 8 years I felt I didn't really need my drugs, that I wasn't as bad as they thought. Turned out I was wrong, but was told this is quite common, to sort of rebel and test the boundaries a bit. Again, the support nurse is probably the best place to start. I'm grateful to my DH for not letting me ignore the symptoms that proved me wrong and nagging me about it.

Stop buying the "goodies" and hide the car keys. If he has to actually walk to get sweets and snacks he'll either do without or will at least be taking a walk to get there and back.
Tell him that if he doesn't like it he can get out - you'll be without him when he's dead anyway and that will be soon if he doesn't get a grip so he may as well go now.
If he's going to behave like a child, and refuse to take responsibility for his own health then treat him like a child. Don'y buy the crap and goodies and don't facilitate him buying them. Does he go to work and earn the money that pays for them? If he does, you have a problem, although you can still refuse to bring them to him and throw them in the bin whenever you find any in the house. If you're the main earner then just don't let him spend on crap.
Or throw him out now so you can get used to being alone and a single parent, tell him exactly why - you can't force him to diet, you can't parent him, but you can remove you and the children from watching him eat himself to death in front of you.

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 16-Jan-13 20:23:55

YANBU I have a husband with Type1 diabetes too.

I think if you can you need to get him to your GP. When DH was diagnosed he hit the wall with depression and has recently slipped back. He isn't obese like your DH, but somehow the severity and life limiting aspects of his condition just go over his head. He's a very intelligent man, just one that's in denial it seems.

There are days when, like you, I have flipped. I have children, I'm not going to be a mummy to a grown man. I'm also scared at that deep level you only have when you know a person you love could be taken from you.

I have no answers for you, other than going to the GP for starters.

And to shut some posters on here up, would be top of my today's wish list.

I understand OP. My DH is only a little overweight but I worry about his health, diabetes runs in the family and he has already had a hernia. If he neglected himself to the extent your DH has then I would be angry too. You cook him healthy meals and he goes out for McDonalds, he stays up late eating junk -- that is, ultimately, just selfish behaviour. He is prioritising his emotional eating habits over his health and his family's needs.

Nothing will change until he wants it to change, so I wonder if he would be willing to tackle the underlying emotions of it all? Would he be willing to go to CBT counseling? I think that's been shown to be a big help for losing weight.

I would also recommend the Paul McKenna weight loss book, which is basically a CBT approach in that there's no dieting or exercise, it's about changing the way you think about food. Your husband should love it as he can eat whatever he wants! But amazingly, once you take away the 'forbidden' aspect of food (and follow all the rest of the advice) you do really feel yourself craving it less. My DH and I both lost weight very easily with the book (there's a whole thread about McKenna somewhere on MN).

I also think it's a good idea to get him to the GP. Hopefully a really blunt one who will tell him he's eating himself into an early grave.

I am seriously overweight. More overweight than you say your DH (i need to lose at least 8 st) is but i don't sweat, or struggle to take the kids to the park and I have a bad back but I had that when i was slim too. It doesn't stop me walking miles-I regular walk my DS into town with his puschair and thats 45 minutes away. I get out of breath because I walk fast. I can run with my dd in the park and play tag with her. It sounds like there may be more underlying health issues if he cant manage to take the kids to the park.

Food, when used in this way, like anything else is an addiction and it's very easy to stick with what you know.

I don't have the answers because if i did I would be slim again but I have managed to significant lose weight on slimming world and it seems popular with men because you can eat big on it and have lots of lean grilled meat etc.

MidnightMasquerader Wed 16-Jan-13 20:28:38

No more low-carb diets!!

Every time you read/hear about someone losing a shed load of weight on a low-carb diet, they inevitably pile it all back on again, and then some.

Because a low-carb diet (nearly wrote low-crab diet grin) is exactly that; a specific sort of 'diet' that you go on for a while to lose weight, but which is not sustainable long term so you will only be slimmer while you're on it.

It's also massively demoralising. sad You feel a failure when the weight comes back on (and it always does, the minute you stop low-carbing), and you feel it's pointless to try to lose weight again, because you can see that it doesn't work. It's insidious.

Thinking about a way to overhaul the entire family's eating (and that maybe include fewer carbs) long-term is the only way, and there have been some good suggestions in this thread.

Good luck, I really feel your utter frustration.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 20:29:04

We're going to have a long talk about this tonight. Calmly.
The doc will be the first port of call, I hope.

I don't think anyone would deny that losing weight would be beneficial to the OP's DH's health. The problem is that by having a shouty row, even if it's never happened before, he may well be feeling aggrieved, embarrassed, ashamed, rebellious which usually leads to comfort eaters eating for comfort and instant gratification. Looking at the bigger picture is hard, even if you know you have to do something for your own health.

SW by stealth is a great idea but if he's not on board, then he'll just go and buy himself more burgers. He needs to think that it's his idea.

OP, I can appreciate that you feel that you've tried to be supportive. I really think that this is the way forward. Can you have a calm chat tonight after the kids are in bed and reconnect emotionally with him, even if that means you saying sorry for being angry with him (I'd be cross that I'd bothered to cook and he'd rejected it).

He knows what he has to do - he probably thinks that it will be hard and that he won't be able to do it. He needs his confidence boosted, however irritating that might be.

Sorry, Xposted.

marriedinwhite Wed 16-Jan-13 20:31:41

I think you have had a hard-time on here.

My DH has type II diabetes, so controllable by diet. His father dropped dead from heart disease at 79 having refused to go to a doctor for 10 years. My DH could do with losing a stone. He's presently 13.10.

My DH knows he has a responsibility to himself and to us to keep fit, to keep his weight down and to have annual medical checks. He eats only wholemeal pasta, rice, bread. He has bran flakes for breakfast. I don't make puddings anymore and we have red meat no more than twice a week - I have had to play a big part in this too. He will have a lager instead of a beer or he will have a gin and slim; I don't buy beer any more. He plays football once a week, squash once a week and helps out with rugby training/cricket on sundays.

I would be furious too in your shoes and I agree your dh needs to get a grip. But it's getting him to realise he needs to which is the problem. Could you have a chat with the doctor about getting some extra help for him - the doctor referring him to a weight loss counsellor or other forms of counselling?

MumVsKids Wed 16-Jan-13 20:41:34

Ali this is my friends frustration too. She will buy and cook healthy meals, which he will eat, but THEN goes out for a takeaway chippie or Chinese as well.

She is scared that he is going to have a massive coronary one day whilst driving. She doesn't want to lose her DH nor her DDs lose their daddy, but she is now taking a very hard stance and is desperate to make him understand what he stands to lose if he doesn't lose some weight.

Now when she mentions it, he just switches off or turns the tv up. He has no intention of regaining his health and she is worried he has some sort of addiction to junk food sad

I think what makes it worse is that he still acts like he's the thirty something fit healthy attractive man that he was, rather than the forty something, morbidly obese, sweaty blob that he is. People recoil when he makes inappropriate innuendos (but that's a whole other thread) and I think he is now so thick skinned he genuinely doesn't see what everyone else sees.

It's very sad, and bloody hard work for my friend.

NationalLottie Wed 16-Jan-13 20:44:01


Mintyy Wed 16-Jan-13 20:45:49

See if you can persuade him to try the 5:2 fasting thing. The health benefits (aside from weight loss) seem to be amazing and it is just so much easier than dieting.

Mintyy Wed 16-Jan-13 20:48:17

Infact, why not do it with him? I am doing it, at least in part because my dh is about 4 stone overweight, in his late 40s and with a huge family history of heart disease. If I do it he will have to do it better (is ridiculously competitive) but I think fair enough, I want you to get healthier for the sake of our family so I will go along with it too.

dayshiftdoris Wed 16-Jan-13 21:01:58


Have you ever been faced with a situation like this?

A loved one who does not look after their own health regardless of what you say or do and how you say or do it?

My father's father died at 54 from a massive heart attack, his brothers have cardiac problems, his brothers are both diabetic and have high BP. His mother had glaucoma and one brother had cataracts....

My father has refused for the last 20+years to see a GP for a health review - he has even been delisted from a surgery as he hadnt been for 17yrs... he then moved house twice and even avoided the new patient check.

As for his eyes... I had to threaten to not allow him to drive my son around (he was a baby at the time) to get him to have his eyes tested (turned out he wasnt legal to drive!) and when they found an issue it was SIX years before he had the retest, rather than the suggested 4 weeks...

I work in the health service so he viewed my discussions as 'worse than a second hand car salesman flogging their stuff'...
I have lost it with him twice - both times over his eye tests and both time he went to 'shut you up!'.... I tried it about his health but he is just completely resistant to it. He too is obese.
My sister, his brothers and other relatives have told him - they then refer it to me as I live nearest and I work in health...

Well very recently he rang me to tell me he had had chest pain for 12hrs+... an ambulance trip later and he's had a small heart attack which they have treated with an angioplasty.

Its not satisfying at all to be 'right'... He still cant see the point of seeing the GP for general health check... his blood sugars were high in hospital so I bet he is diabetic.

I think YANBU and I think the fact you shouted at him shows you love him so very much. If you had completely given up on him you would have just walked away by now... it really is not pleasant watching someone slowly kill themselves by not taking care of themselves and thwarting every attempt to support them.

I think it's a sad reflection of the NHS today that dieticians and specialist nurses are being lost all over the place. My dad hasnt been offered any patient information... its down to us, his family I think...

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 16-Jan-13 21:04:48

What a difficult situation op. Some of the early responses you got on this thread are ridiculous! hmm

To refuse the dinner you made and go and get mcDonalds is not only daft but really rude, wasteful, insulting and just one of those things you just don't do! Can you imagine going to a friends house when they've cooked you dinner and you refusing to eat it and going to get yourself a takeaway instead? No because you wouldn't do that. Its a rather large social no no. It seems really disrespectful to the effort you had gone to making it.

I think if my dh did that i would be so upset!

I agree with getting him to the Drs. You can't police his diet for him, you haven't got a chance what with his being on the road all day, his late night snacking and his sticking two fingers up at the food you cook him.

Could you go to the Drs with him and make sure the Dr knows how awful the diet is? Your husband will likely be very pissed off with you but his life is at stake here isn't it, its just a shame he can't see that.

aneatercog Wed 16-Jan-13 21:09:55

A story.

DH was overweight but active. Managed cholesterol and high blood pressure. The weight worried me as his DD died in his early 60s. One day he came in from exercise feeling uncomfortable. Straight to A and E. He had a quadruple by pass 3 days later. He could have died out on the road.

He had a massive genetic bad hand of cards, as the cardiologist said, but has since reduced and maintained his weight. We've always eaten healthily, bar the alcohol, and portion size was to blame. I can see that this might be fuel to the "why bother" fire, but the point is he's still here and has made changes. he was lucky to have a warning, and not an actual heart attack.

The only thing that I can think would help has been suggested, which is to lose weight with him.

Best of luck, OP.

aneatercog Wed 16-Jan-13 21:12:31

Sorry, OP. My error. I though you had posted as being overweight too. blush

CarnivorousPanda Wed 16-Jan-13 21:14:02


He allowed himself to get into this state and now he's choosing to do nothing about it. So the result now is he's unable to go out and do things as a family.

Yes, this could be depression, denial whatever. Getting that diagnosis probably hit him for six. But actually as Fuckadoodel (nice name) says, the incident with the meal is plain rude and shows a lack of respect.

Do your children say anything about him not coming out with them?

thegreylady Wed 16-Jan-13 21:14:53

Weight Watchers online is excellent if he would do that and have you got a wii fit?

ithaka Wed 16-Jan-13 21:26:42

YANBU, my DH's weight crept up when he was in a job he hated and even when he changed profession he never got his weight back under control. There is a history of heart disease in his family, plus I knew he was embarrassed by his weight, it effected his self esteem and made him unhappy. Of course I was desperate for him to lose weight, but he was always wildly defensive and touchy on the subject (probably not helped by the fact I am slim).

There was another sudden, lifestyle related death in his family and around the same time we were updating our life insurance so DH had to disclose in front of me how much he weighed. I was shocked and he was mortified.

But for some reason, it flicked a switch and he decided to lose weight. I think that decision was the hardest part - he radically changed his diet, cut out vast amounts of bread and cheese and snacks between meals. He must have lost at least 3 stone and he looks fantastic - just gorgeous. He feels great about himself and his self esteem has soared.

So it has to come from your DH, there has to be some trigger that will make him decide 'enough is enough' and take control of his weight. For what it is worth, I think it was worth trying a blazing row. But if that didn't work, maybe stern words from a health professional? I don't know what will work but I really hope for you and your families sake you find something.

ali23 Wed 16-Jan-13 21:29:50

Minty, what is the fasting thing?

LesleyPumpshaft Wed 16-Jan-13 21:34:07

I don't see why OP is getting a hard time either. You shouldn't mess around with type 1 diabetes and her husband is slowly killing himself. being 6 stone overweight with type 1 diabetes is not a cosmetic issue. If someone gets the point where they can't walk, or participate in family life - through their own actions, then you absolutely need to stage some sort of intervention for their own sake. If you don't, then you are enabling their self destructive behaviour.

He'll end up in an early grave and you both have DC's to think about, their needs come first. Also, he could be managing his diabetes far more effectively if he lost the weight.

OP, if your DH has issues, then he needs help and getting him to see that might not be pleasant for either of you in the short term. but, If things don't change, he could get very ill.

harrietspy Wed 16-Jan-13 21:37:36

I really feel for you. 10 years ago my xh was 9 stone overweight with serious underlying health issues and mobility problems. His inability to tackle his weight and his disability meant we could do nothing and go nowhere and I had to do everything. I felt so powerless.

I got so angry with him but even when I confronted him with my fears that he'd die of a heart attack at 40, he couldn't change the way he ate.

He was and is a compulsive overeater but he wasn't upfront about it then. Dr put him on diet, he lost loads of weight and put it all back on again. Things changed only when he was referred to a dietician through the GP. He started recording what he was eating at first, and just through the simple act of writing down what he was eating, he lost loads of weight. He also had therapy which helped to understand why he was a compulsive overeater, and learned some mindfulness practice around eating.

He now knows himself to be a food addict and has been going to Overeaters Anonymous (like AA) for 5 years now. He's maintained a healthy weight for the last 5 years and for the first time in his adult life.

Food addiction might not be your dh's problem, but often people don't take it seriously and don't recognise that it is just as damaging as other eating disorders. We know, for instance, that telling someone with anorexia to stop being so selfish and eat the sandwich won't suddenly change their eating habits. Sadly (and to my own cost) I know that I couldn't change xh's eating by force of will.

This might be completely off the mark and if so, I'm sorry. But I know how horrible it is to watch someone you love treat themselves and their family so recklessly. I also wish I'd known compulsive overeating existed as a problem.

roastednut Wed 16-Jan-13 21:38:29

Yanbu. I'm in a similar situation altho my dh was diagnosed with type 2 last year (at 39). He has done nothing health wise about it and has just taken tablets off the docs. He even smokes (which I hate).
We've been unable to conceive due to his sperm (probably diabetes related) and I've had ivf and a subsequent miscarriage. I did everything to stay healthy during ivf etc. I do feel resentful.
I have to say he has an incredibly stressful job, but thats no excuse is it.
Am at my wits end.

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 16-Jan-13 21:38:57

OP. if you can take MIW'S suggestion and see the GP first to set the ground. I've done this with DH too. When DH went alone it just wasn't getting across that there was depression on top of the diabetes to tackle.

Failing that, have the Receptionist book you a double appointment so you're not rushed out the door before you start getting to the nitty gritty.

Good luck with your conversation tonight.

And as for the patronising messages to stay calm. Yeah alright!!!

QuickLookBusy Wed 16-Jan-13 21:57:22


If I were you, I would go to the drs with him, make sure your Dh tells them everything and insist he is referred to someone who can help him.
He NEEDS help to sort himself out. He is obviousy in complete denial about the situation.

I also think the fact he only sees a specialist diabetic nurse once a year is awful. He should be seeing someone a lot more frequently than that.

knitknack Wed 16-Jan-13 22:13:30

I completely disagree about low carb diets being 'bad'. Low carb/no sugar is exactly how we SHOULD eat - google 'primal diet diabetes' if you need inspiration. Sugar is evil.

knitknack Wed 16-Jan-13 22:14:26

JuliaSqueezer Wed 16-Jan-13 22:28:01

Another vote for WeightWatchers here. There's an offer on at the moment, £32 for three months plus if you go through Quidco there's £10 cashback.

He wouldn't have to go to meetings, can all be done online, and it's pretty straightforward to follow. There's a message board with a section dedicated to men too, some of them have lost huge amounts.

I've cooked a WW for the last two nights, for myself primarily, but served the exact same (just a bit larger portion) to DH and he really liked it. I've found that since I joined DH is gradually becoming more interested in doing it himself, he's looking at what I am eating/ snacking on and asking if he can have some.

The thing is, being overweight is not good for anyone's health but the diabetes takes it to another level, he sounds like he is angry at his own body and is taking the anger out on you.

Good luck with it, can't be easy for you.

ali23 -
I work in the NHS as a Podiatrist/Chiropodist and so 80% of my patients are diabetic.
Your DH is still young (in his 40s) but believe me, he's not helping himself with the blood sugars being erratic. The weight excess.
He refuses any type of professional help .The help is out there.
He really needs to ask.
He needs to see a dietician if he hasn't already.
He needs his GP or Consultant to really just give it to him straight.
(I find diabetic patients tend to fall into "Ostriches" and "Rottweillers" ie. They ignore and hide away (your DH) or they are all out involoved.

His heart
His blood pressure
His kidneys
His cholesterol
His circulation
His feet (my line of work) will be under so much strain

Ask your GP-(if he's suitable) there's an injection which is a supplementary to insulin (if he's Type 1) . It helps to increase the efficiency and reduce the spiral of more weight> more insulin>poor, erratic blood sugars.
I can't remember the name offhand and I don't want to give you the wrong info .
There are side effects (of course) nausea is the main one.

He's probably depressed I agree.
But you have to push him in the right direction. It doesn't sound like he's going to do it himself.
He'll think you're getting at him. But it's for his good.
He's got a huge task.
Don't let him waste another 10 years of his life.

Let us know what the outcome of your GP appointment is.

Do you have a GPwSI (GP with Special Interest) in diabetes? at your surgery?

MidnightMasquerader Wed 16-Jan-13 22:44:41

knitknack - is is bad if you go low-carb as a means to lose weight - i.e. completely cut out a food group from your diet - and then re-introduce it and put all the weight back on again when you've achieved your goal.

Besides, carbs in and of themselves are not bad. Yes, a lot of people would benefit from eating less of certain types of them -but, as part of an overall, improved, long-term eating plan.

This is just common sense, isn't it?

I don't disagree about sugar.

ArthurandGeorge Wed 16-Jan-13 22:52:12


Has your dh had significant problems with hypoglycaemia? He sounds anxious about it, could this fear be compounding his eating.

EmmaBemma Thu 17-Jan-13 07:10:55

"I completely disagree about low carb diets being 'bad'. Low carb/no sugar is exactly how we SHOULD eat - google 'primal diet diabetes' if you need inspiration. Sugar is evil."

This is faddy nonsense.

EmmaBemma Thu 17-Jan-13 07:12:45

I mean - "sugar is evil". Wtf. You do realise that vegetables are mostly sugar too, right? All carbohydrates are made up of glucose, fructose and galactose monomers. Glucose in particular is essential for most metabolic processes.

knitknack Thu 17-Jan-13 07:50:01

It is NOT faddy, it is scientifically proven - was even the subject of a BBC doc recently. I said "sugar" is evil, not "complex natural carbs such as vegetables" are evil...

You might not like it, neither do I, and that's because we're all reliant on sugar (the white, granular stuff made from beets or canes for those who don't understand) or high fructose syrup. But the fact is that they trigger a massive insulin reaction each and every time we eat them and THAT makes our bodies lay down fat AND it sends our blood sugar sky high.

Give up sugar, give up SIMPLE carbs such as anything 'white' (flour, rice) and watch your blood sugar stay steady and excess weight fall off. We shouldn't be eating sugar, it's as simple as that.

Do the research, read the peer reviewed studies, and stop comforting yourself by calling it 'faddy'.

EmmaBemma Thu 17-Jan-13 08:21:37

"It is NOT faddy, it is scientifically proven - was even the subject of a BBC doc recently. "

oh well, if it was on the telly...

I'm not comforting myself, I'm happy with what I eat. But saying something like "sugar is evil" is over-simplifying the picture to the point of nonsense. All carbs are made of sugar. All the cells in our body use glucose (the very simplest sugar) for respiration. It stands to reason that it's a good idea to limit refined carbs to avoid the glucose spikes you're talking about, but we've all known that for ages anyway.

ControlGeek Thu 17-Jan-13 08:46:36

Marking place and watching with interest. I could have written the OP's post myself. My DP is older (late 50s), an ex-squaddie, used to run 5 miles a day before breakfast, never ill, always in the top 3 for his BFT, in later army years he was in the top 3 for the age group beneath him. He now has insulin-controlled Type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol (despite low cholesterol diet), leg ulcers, cellulitis, plantar fasciitis, peripheral neuropathy and a bad back caused by not being able to walk properly for the pain in his feet and legs. His last diabetic eyetest found a precursor to retinopathy. He needs to lose about 7 stone.

Our difference is we have both been doing weight watchers for over a year. I have lost nearly 3 stone (am now 3.5lb away from gold) while DP has put on almost a stone in that time.

Yes, fear sometimes comes out as anger, and sometimes it has to when you are watching the person you love most in the world slowly killing themselves, and they know they are doing it, and they know what they should be doing but choose not to because it's easier to succeed at failing than to feel they are failing at succeeding.

Hanikam Thu 17-Jan-13 08:55:33

Thing is OP I can imagine this discussion in reverse.
My wife was slim and beautiful. Fast forward 20 years and she's let herself go, obese, unfit, ugly and repulsive. I keep telling her to lose the flab and a grip of herself but she just won't listen.

Doesn't feel good does it?

YANBU for wanting him to look after himself, though it has to come from him. Food is addictive and habits can be destructive. I wouldn't like being nagged over it.

goldiehorn Thu 17-Jan-13 09:00:59

I think the OPs DH needs to follow a diet approved by his GP/Diabetic nurse, rather than following some 'paleolithic' diet, or whatever the latest BBC documentary says is best, as suggested by someone on the internet hmm

OP, I think you have had a bit of a hard time on here, it is obvious that you care for your DH and you are worried about him. However, he cannot lose the weight until he wants to, and at the moment that doesnt seem to be the case, which is why are are getting so frustrated with him.

Yes, its shit being overweight and I am sure he feels bad about himself blah blah blah. But actually, sometimes you just have to stop feeling sorry for yourslef and suck it up and do what you have to do for your family, especially when your family are practically begging you to do it. In his case, this is getting a grip and losing the weight.

So in answer to the thread title: YANBU!

ControlGeek Thu 17-Jan-13 09:13:22

hanikam It's not about looks. It's about the effect of excess weight on the health of people with diabetes. Ten years ago, my DP only had slightly elevated blood sugar. It was controlled very successfully for two years through diet alone. But diabetes is a progressive disease and after two years the tablets had to start, which is when the weight started to go on. Gradually, over the next eight years, more and more weight resulted in more and more tablets, then eventually insulin, and the more weight that went on, the more ancillary issues came up. See my previous post, just before yours, for the full list of what he now suffers from, all due primarily to the excess weight exacerbating his diabetes. The OP, like me, just wants her husband to be alive and with her, well, healthy and participating in family life.

I was in the OP's position eight years ago, but despite having read all of the leaflets and webpages, it's easy to think it'll happen to someone else, not my DP. I don't want for the OP to come back on here in ten years time with her DH suffering from everything mine now suffers from.

Yanbu my exfil was diagnosed with diabetes in his 40s he continued eating crap and putting weight on. In his late 40s he needed a minor op but due to the diabetes didn't heal well.

4 years on he needed the op again and still isn't healing properly. He's only in his early 50s and noone knows if he will heal and be able to live a normal life again.

mistlethrush Thu 17-Jan-13 09:30:07

Ali - I had the same situation - DH not losing any weight.

A friend at work started the Dukan diet - I saw that it had lots of foods that DH actually enjoyed eating and whilst fairly drastic and a major change, it might encourage him to stick to it. I mentioned it to him and left it at that (he's the sort of person that if you go on about it he doesn't do it on principal). He bought the book (kindle) and read a bit and started 10 or 14 days later.

He's lost something like 8 stone so far.

For him its good because if he's hungry he can eat something, as long as its on the list for that day.

It is cutting out the carbs, but its also low fat.

I don't know whether it would fit with the diabetes, but if he also likes the same sort of foods as my DH, it might be worth finding out whether you can do it as a diabetic?

HousewifeFromHeaven Thu 17-Jan-13 09:30:51

If I asked 'aibu re my husband smoking - he is having chemo for cancer'

The answers would be different.

Diabetes is a killer, same as cancer. Losing weight to a diabetes sufferer can be like chemo to a cancer sufferer.

So, why is it unreasonable for the op to want her husband fit and healthy?

Because she might hurt his feelings? All this tip toeing around fat issues gets on my wick.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 17-Jan-13 09:33:20

My wife was slim and beautiful. Fast forward 20 years and she's let herself go, obese, unfit, ugly and repulsive. I keep telling her to lose the flab and a grip of herself but she just won't listen.

The op said nothing of the sort! Did you even read it? Where does she call him ugly and repulsive? Perhaps i missed it? confused

Does it really take much to see that this is about his health? You don't even need to know much about diabetes, just read the op instead of having a knee jerk reaction and making the words up in your head!

bleedingheart Thu 17-Jan-13 09:37:00

It's a health issue not an aesthetic issue. Checking out of fam

bleedingheart Thu 17-Jan-13 09:38:38

Posted too soon

Checking out of family life, refusing meals and buying takeaways is disrespectful.

If the genders were reversed I'd say the same. It is serious - not just a case that he doesn't look so good in his speedos anymore!

ethelb Thu 17-Jan-13 09:43:17

@housewife exactly.

Plenty of people are deeply unsympathetic about stopping smoking (ie "surely its as simple as not putting a cigarette in your mouth and not smoking it) but people would never dream of saying the same about over-eating and its impact on health.

ethelb Thu 17-Jan-13 09:46:12

@knickknack high fructose syrup is hardly in any products in Europe. It is a v big problem in the US, but the dominance of the product has not even begun to happen here.

harrietspy Thu 17-Jan-13 09:51:15

Of course he should lose weight. Of course the OP is desperately worried and angry. Of course her DH is checking out of family life. It's an awful situation.

But the suggestions that he just needs to get a grip aren't going to solve anything. Telling someone with serious food issues to stop eating/eat differently is as helpful as telling someone with anorexia to eat up. He needs a huge amount of help.

OP, I lived with a similar situation for years. I really hope your dh decides to ask for the help he needs and that you get the support you need too.

Convert Thu 17-Jan-13 09:51:20

I just wanted to say that while I don't really know anything about diabetes, my DH's Uncle was diagnosed with the mildest form in his early 30's, the type that can be controlled by diet. He didn't listen to advice and it progressed. I met him 8 years ago and he was very overweight, had to inject himself with insulin and had a long list of health problems, mainly caused by the weight and not controlling his illness properly.
By 2 years ago he struggled to walk short distances or climb stairs and he carried on eating crap and not excercising. His health got worse and worse. He died aged 53, the first out of his 5 siblings who were all older than him. It was awful, he was a lovely bloke and even worse knowing that had he done things differently he would be fine.
I would get your DH to see his gp and see if he can talk some sense in to him.

bleedingheart Thu 17-Jan-13 09:55:21

No one thinks it's easy but choosing to do nothing is not fair on his children or OP

harrietspy Thu 17-Jan-13 10:03:31

I agree completely. I just find the 'get a grip' attitude unhelpful. In the end only the OP's DH can decide to change his life, but in the meantime it's horrendous to watch someone eat themselves to death. The OP is right to be furious and desperate. I just hope that if her DH decides to do something that he gets proper help.

ethelb Thu 17-Jan-13 10:07:43

I think telling him to get a grip is completely understandable.

very few other behaviours would get this much sympathy on MN>

Allonsy Thu 17-Jan-13 10:11:00

Op YANBU, i spent many a year battling with dh to lose weight, i tried my hardest for him, tried to get him to exercise, stopped buying in rubbish, cooked healthy meals, got him to the gp for anti depressants etc yet he continued to gain until he reached 12 stone over weight his bmi was off the chart in the gp surgery, he refused help of a dietician, refused free gym membership, he would hide food and be very sneaky about it and in the end it disgusted me, i totally resented him and he was told i was very close to leaving. It eventually reached the point where to woke up started to lose weight but was then diagnose with type 2 diabetes and the symptoms of that was drastic weight loss, he lost nearly all of it. Sadly the love of food is still there and now medicated the weight is creeping back on he's gained a stone and ive noticed he's sneaking food again, i have told him i wont go back there, he looked 100% better after losing weight, was healthier, had more energy, and most importantly could be a better father, he has my full support but im not his mother he needs to put the effort in himself.

ThatBintAgain Thu 17-Jan-13 10:14:08

YANBU OP and the roasting you were getting up thread was uncalled for. If you'd posted about his health issues and said "I can't be arsed to help him any more so I just let him go to McDonalds all the time and feed him cake" then you'd deserve a flaming.

I guess it's because weight is such an emotive subject for most people. But there's a difference between putting on a few pounds vs putting on stones and stones which does adversely affect your health and life. I hope you can get him to listen and take action. He might be depressed. But if this was any other health complaint (excess drinking, smoking) people would back you up - we just seem to have a much more emotional response to over eating.

harrietspy Thu 17-Jan-13 10:14:55

Just want to apologise. I don't think it's wrong for the OP to want him to get a grip or to tell her DH to get a grip.

harrietspy Thu 17-Jan-13 10:15:21


whois Thu 17-Jan-13 10:43:34


If you had posted saying "DH drinks too much and is too hungover to take the DCs to the park, I have to do everything myself and in worried about his health" then everyone would be up in arms saying how U he is and what an awful man.

Instead he is addicted to food and killing himself through eating as well as opting out of family life. Not on.

He might be depressed. He might have an addictive personality. He might be in denial about his diabetics and rebeling against it.

Really hard for you OP. I don't really have any advice as his issue is as great as if addicted to drugs or alcohol.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 17-Jan-13 11:05:01

Very true whois

Few things here: firstly, to lots of PPs, type 1 and type 2 diabetes are different conditions. Type 1 is essentially not progressive, you either have it or you don't. If you do (I do too) you need to take insulin in injection form, for the rest of your life. Type 2 is progressive and can start as "prediabetes", or insulin resistance. They are developed by different mechanisms, t2s typically produce vast quantities of insulin but can't use it effectively, t1s produce no insulin at all.

OP, there are 2 specific things I don't know if you're aware of. Firstly, following diagnosis it is very common to deny the t1 and/or be depressed about it - it's a massive change and akin to a grief reaction, you can grieve for the old you. Your DH should be able to access counsellors through his DSN (if he has one?) and/or consultant, but provision is patchy. Secondly, there is an increasingly well documented eating disorder that only affects diabetics. I suffered from it for years (and caused myself all sorts of other problems as a result). But it begins with a desire to lose weight, and the realisation that if you don't take your insulin, weight drops off you...just be careful that your DH doesn't head down that route. By running your sugars high, you excrete sugar in urine and your body can't use the carbs you eat because there isn't enough insulin to process them. But you can end up in ketoacidosis, in hospital, and it can even be fatal.

Does your DH understand about carb counting and how to adjust his insulin based on what he's eating, or does he "eat to the insulin"? The latter can cause weight gain because you can't exercise effectively because you hypo, and he would need some education (DAFNE course or similar - available online via BDEC if you google) about basal rates, what his carb to insulin ratio is, sick day rules, all sorts of other stuff.

I think the injection mentioned upthread is Byetta by the way, although I don't know of any t1s who use it, only t2s.

Good luck, I really feel for you.

ali23 Thu 17-Jan-13 12:20:19

Thank you for so many considered responses. We spoke at length last night and hopefully we will both speak to GP, who has always been very helpful. However, DH has to do this, ultimately, himself, albeit with a lot of home support. So we shall see. But the posts were supportive and have encouraged me to keep fighting for this. Not in a literal sense! Thanks.

PurityBrown Thu 17-Jan-13 13:34:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 17-Jan-13 13:50:28

This may be a left-field suggestion but has your DH shown any interest in getting fit? It may be worth sending him over to the forums on My Fitness Pal.

There are lots of blokes over there (at least 50/50) so it's not dieting for girls like WW/Slimming World.

Also they are dead against dieting over there which he might find reassuring if he is against dieting. It's all about achievable lifestyle/ food choice changes. They are also very into weight lifting as the best exercise which is a nice manly thing smile

Most people use the site for logging their food/weight to lose weight, but not by dieting IYSWIM. If your DH got started on there and was keen he could start logging too, and drive it himself, rather than you.

knitknack Thu 17-Jan-13 17:00:43

@ethelb: it's in quite a bt of junk, with more creeping in all the time - Hobnobs, Jaffa cakes, mr Kipling cakes, ice cream...

And to the poster eye rolling at me a)n ice, very polite. And b) I was only pointing out the BBC doc to show how MAINSTREAM the idea of sugar being awful for us is, which is why I also pointed out the peer-reviewed research (of which there is lots). Table sugar is NOT the same as the more complex carbs found in fruits and veg and to tell a poster who's so worried about her diabetic husband that it is is terrible. I would be worried beyond measure if my husband were behaving in this way.

Of course you want to intervene op, and you need support to do so. This sums up what I was saying (or get him to read Gary Taube's book):

KatyTheCleaningLady Thu 17-Jan-13 17:15:27

If the OP's husband were ruining his health with a drug addiction, nobody would fault her for having a row.

Not being able to walk to the park is absolutely unacceptable. At the rate he's going, he is going to be needing a modified house, stair lift, mobility scooter, etc.

LessMissAbs Thu 17-Jan-13 19:23:35

YANBU. I can't believe some of the attitudes on here.

You could have been desribing my father, down to the loss of ability to walk anywhere and the age of onset. Basically my father was born perfectly healthy but killed himself at the age of 52 due to overeating and lack of exercise. This followed the pattern of diabetes (Type 2 in his case), becoming obese, angina, circulatory problems, high blood pressure, blocked arteries, all sorts of drugs and treatments prescribed, long term absence from work followed by being sacked for unable to work, first heart attack, second heart attack, various heart operations and then the final heart attack which killed him.

He didn't do enough to help himself. He lost a little weight, but was still obese. He did give up smoking, but did not exercise. Basically by the time he was in his early 40s it was too late as he had damaged his body so much.

What concerns me is how his family suffered. My mother shielded me as best she could, but it couldn't disguise the fact that I had to grow up with a father who, due to his own fault, was permanently ill and partially disabled and unwilling unable to do much.

But my mother got incredibly stressed. She had to do everything, and got no help, whilst my father became the centre of attention and got all the help and resources out there. My mother lost a lot of weight, after my father died she recovered but then developed cancer which eventually proved fatal. There is no cancer in our family and she and I often wondered if it was brought on by the years of stress dealing with my father.

Interestingly, I came to the conclusion that my father almost did it deliberately, for attention. He had shown hypochondriac tendencies in the past, even as a young man, and my mother had been going to leave him because he was so lazy. Because he became so ill, she was guilt-tripped into staying with him.

To be honest, having been an observer of this pattern before, I'd advise you to get out now.

btw I doubt going to the GP will encourage your DH to lose weight and take exercise - it has to come from a desire inside himself and it doesn't sound like he has one.

Uncontrolled diabetes is really risky for amputations, and you say your DH's calf is to painful for him to exercise - sounds like severe circulation problems. Is he aware of this?

Iatemyskinnyperson Thu 17-Jan-13 19:57:01

Yanbu, I am in a similar position. DH is v obese, eats appallingly but thinks its ok because he plays soccer once a week. I have 2 DS's, one with SEN. I need him to be healthy!

My DF & DFIL both have serious illnesses so my DM & DMIL are full-time carers. I feel like screaming at him that I can't/won't be his carer too because I'll always be a carer to my younger DS. He sees the dire consequences daily, but still eats enough for 3 people. confused

I was at ILs today and saw MIL running herself ragged caring for FIL. Emptying catheter bags, feeding cleaning etc. she's haggard and looks much older than her years. I don't want that to be me hmm

DoubleMum Thu 17-Jan-13 20:31:40

Apologies if someone has already linked this, but he might get inspiration from this as this man also had a lot to lose and had diabetes:

ethelb Fri 18-Jan-13 09:12:32

@knitknack the way that a diabetic metabolises sugars, complex carbs and everything else is different to how a non-diabetic person would. So I would really suggest you stop doling out 'advice' to the OP as you are not a Dr.

Oblomov Fri 18-Jan-13 10:06:50

I am not sure how i feel abou this thread.
I am a type 1 diabetic, since birth, and the post about :
"Instead, he is always worried he'll 'hypo' on his own because the walk to the park takes so much out of him. "
REALLY upset me ALOT. If only you knew. sad
Christ almighty. You don't have a clue, do you? Imagine the balancing act I try to keep, every second of evey day. Magnitude it, and then think again. I have had some horrific hypos over the years. My dh and my kids have been genuinely frightened. Yet, I am on a pump and monitor my blood sugars RELIGIOUSLY. Yet my diabetes is getting worse, more and more rigid.
Plus, I tred REALLY hard last year to lose 1 stone,and lost not a single lb. I have discussed this endlessly with my diabetic consultant and the diabetic speacialist nurses.
Losing weight is very very hard work.

My dh is a type 2, as of 10 years ago. And obese. Yet he eats well, and exercises,and takes the kids swiming, and goes to the gym and runs around with them.
So I really DO get this whole scenario.
I am probably, the best perosn, on MN to comment on this whole scenario.
But I'm not quite sure what to write.......

Oblomov Fri 18-Jan-13 10:14:26

Someone flippantly recommended 5:2 fasting,to a diabetic, who well may be on metformin or byetta, or any other form of medication, that we know nothing about.

Allonsy Fri 18-Jan-13 10:28:03

Oblomov your posts are helpful to me at least, dh is type 2 diagnosed 2 years ago and i didnt realise it could make losing weight more difficult, he has frequently stopped meds (unknown to me) so that he could get more weight off he says when he takes the meds he cant lose weight ive accused him of being 'at it' as his gp said they would help not hinder weight loss, is this not true? dh and i fell out the other day as hes threatened to stop meds again to lose his christmas weight, i do not agree with this at all! he was also told his risk of hypos is minimal and hes not on insulin

Have an unMN (((Hug)))

I think this is a sensitive topic for a lot of people especially people who themselves have weight problems. I am currently very overweight and finally doing something about it because I want to still be able to run around with my children in 10 years time. I think for many people a comment on your weight feels like a comment on your worth as a person and carries all the implications of greediness and laziness.

I see a big difference between you and the OP's DH because you are taking responsibility for your health and doing what you can to keep healthy. I am sure its not easy when your body appears to be fighting against your best efforts but you are trying and that is what counts.

I think what the OP and some of the other posters are struggling with is that her DH or their family members don't seem to want to make an effort to look after their own health. They are having to watch someone they love allowing themselves to deteriorate, become more immobile and less healthy on a day by day basis. I think this is different to someone who has a progressive condition they can't control because it feels like there is an element of choice in not eating well or not exercising. I have a relation by marraige who is a type 1 diabetic who is a heavy drinker and smoker and doesn't exercise, she is starting to develop serious health problems now and look about 15 years older than her age. Her family are having to sit back and watch her speed up her decline and its very hard for them but she is an adult and can make her own choices.

I think that the OP's DH needs more medical / health support and perhaps some counselling. His behaviour is almost self-destructive so I wonder if there is a problem with denial or depression. I will bow to your great knowledge of problems like hypo's; perhaps as a family they can find a strategy that helps the OP's DH feel less at risk.

Oblomov Fri 18-Jan-13 10:48:53

Allonsy, I don't want to speculate because i don't know what medication your dh is on. But what I can tell you is that my consultant talked to me the other day, about metformin (which I have never needed to try before) and about the well known side effects. My dh is on metformin so I was shocked by what she was telling me.
But what I can tell you, was that I have been the same weight for 25 years. I lost all my pg weight immediately. But all of a sudden I have gained 1 stone. I tried to lose it, never having dieted before in my whole life. And i could not BELIEVE how hard it was. For ME. and that is only ME. I lost not a single lb.
Chaz, thanks for the hug.
I too see big difference between my dh and OP's.
I do believe what the poster said about denial and rebellion ( I myslef have gone through many rebellions in my 40 years of diabetes), plus they say that diabetes goes through a 7 year cycle, and i have definitely found that.
I know Op wants to help.
But some of the advice has been very flippant, non medical, and i think we need to take care in what we are advising OP to do.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Fri 18-Jan-13 11:02:50

Doc for referral to weight management ideally. Slimming world is great as its real sensible food with no weighing or counting points, I was amazed at how much I could eat and can't think of a thing you are not able to eat even a huge english breakfast (grilled) buy one of their magazines or go online for a look as there are 7 day menus and more useful... case studies of people who have lost weight, some huge amounts, lots of them are men too. The GP may even be able to 'prescribe' attendance as some areas of the country offer 10 weeks or so free on prescription. Its food you or he can cook for the whole family so he can feel normal. My family love it as I try out new things like making my own burgers and coleslaw... much nicer than Macdonalds. He needs to get himself into the right frame to attempt to lose and no amount of faddy diets will help, SW becomes a way of life as it is so healthy and is really just based on the Dept of healths 'balance of good health' also know as the eatwell plate. good luck and tell him from me its worth making the changes no matter how long it takes, the health benefits to energy levels, self esteem, looks, and skin are immense and come quickly as the weight comes off.

Allonsy Fri 18-Jan-13 11:13:14

oblomov, dh is on metformin and glicazide the dose of both have now been doubled as bloods where is the 30 region, when hes off the pills his weight drops drastically but his bloods shoot up he seems to think its worth it for the weight loss. His bloods even medicated average 11, consultant have told him he may be put on insulin in the near future. He gets totally disheartened when on meds as he seems unable to lose weight so instead just eates rubbish which dosnt help.

ovenchips Fri 18-Jan-13 11:32:08

Is it worth suggesting something like Jason Vale's Slim for Life book? Would your DH commit to reading it in a week, say?

It works on your mental attitude (similar to Allen Carr's 'Easy Way to Stop Smoking') so that by the end of the book your desire for unhealthy foods has actually disappeared. You don't have to have commitment or willpower before reading it, reading the book is all you are required to do.

I used the stop eating chocolate book and found it v effective. I didn't require willpower, I just lost interest in having sweet things and food in general. It became fuel rather than comfort. This has never ever happened to me during the many diets I have been on.

If you could sell it to your DH that all you want him to do is read Slim For Life he really should find that his attitude towards food is changed by the end. He would be choosing healthy foods without resentment or requiring willpower and without either you or him having to engage in a battle of wills, which seems to be where you find yourselves at mo.

Best of luck with whatever method you adopt OP.

FergusSingsTheBlues Fri 18-Jan-13 11:40:10

Yanbu. But im shocked at how many posters on here are up in arms about you wanting to tackle this. Id be worried too.

All you can do is run a tight ship mealwise, get him to a GP, and get physical activity organised every weekend for all of you. Its a very hard mindset to break though and ultimately up to him. Can you consuder counselling?

VenusStarr Fri 18-Jan-13 11:49:49

Do you have Health Trainers in your area? Their role is to support individuals who struggle to make lifestyle changes. They can work on a one to one basis with people to understand their barriers to making lifestyle changes and provide motivational support.

VenusRising Fri 18-Jan-13 11:57:25

Sounds like he has no hope, that he's given up, and checked out.
I wish you all the very best.

Oblomov Fri 18-Jan-13 12:21:54

No hope?
7 year cycle of diabetes. At 14, 21, and 28, I went through a bit of rebellion. Got fed up of testing my blood sugars 7 times a day, and stopped. Drank loads of alcohol. and ate loads of chocolate. And guess what after a short time, I was back in the game.

I've got another one due in a couple fo years - tee hee.

Lets not dismiss the bloke, just yet.

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