to not wake up to find MiL giving her house guests a tour of my house?

(153 Posts)
abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:12:24

So..am still a bit bleary eyed & stunned & it may be that I calm down once I wake up but I doubt it.

Am currently 39 weeks pregnant with DC2. Inlaws live relatively nearby so we gave them a house key a couple of weeks ago and emphasised that it was for labour related emergencies only. We have avoided giving them a key before as they have a history of invading our privacy (when I was on maternity leave with DS they would regularly turn up without warning or checking it was convenient. On one occasion I was in the ensuite shower and they appeared in our bedroom to inform me they were visiting). We told asked them not to visit without calling first but they constantly ignored this and continued to let themselves in if DS & I were napping to the point I got anxiety related insomnia and we asked for the key back.

So, DS is currently teething and I was up pretty much half hourly from 3-6am with him and then got him up & ready for nursery while DH headed to work. After dropping him off I went back to bed to recharge and was shocked to be woken about an hour later by voices in the hallway. In the confusion of wondering what was happening (initially I thought it was the radio) I was hoisting myself out of bed when MiL barged into our bedroom with 2 house guests she has visiting from USA. We have recently renovated our house and she explained she was giving them a tour as she was passing. She was really quite snide about the fact I was sleeping and made a few cruel jokes to her guests about me still being in bed at 11am when the breakfast dishes were still sitting on the kitchen table downstairs before heading out again. By the time I grabbed some clothes and composed myself to go downstairs (I was a bit teary and shaken) they had left.

I would welcome advice on what to do please. Unfortunately we are reliant on them for childcare when I go into labour so I know I can't do anything too hasty but I am very upset. I haven't called DH yet as he is likely to fly off the handle. I have spent the last hour or so feeling rather pathetic so am off for a shower now (with the key left in the lock!) and would welcome suggestions as to how I can draw a line under this.

ValentineWiggins Wed 16-Jan-13 13:15:22

Leave the key in the lock permanently if you are in the house...then if it's a labour related emergency you will be out and they will be able to get in...otherwise not! Or internal bolt on front door?

Oh you poor thing, I would phone DH and get him to sort his mother out she needs reading the riot act!!

Keep the key in the lock and get some rest, you certainly don't need this when you are about to pop!

Apart from the fact that I'm not pregnant, this could be me posting! This is one of the reasons why my parents will NEVER be given a key to my house!

jumpingjackhash Wed 16-Jan-13 13:17:31

shock that she would do that! 'Popping in' when you're on mat leave (whilst incredibly intrusive I can imagine) is one thing, bringing her own friends around for a nosey unannounced is beyond acceptable!

First, get a chain fitted on the door, so when you're in she can't just open it.

I'd also be asking for the key back - being available to look after her GS when you go into labour doesn't necessarily mean she has to have a key, does it?

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:17:31

Thanks Valentine. We do have an internal bolt but because DH often pops home during the day (he works out of an office in the house so sometimes needs to collect papers etc) I have tended not to use it. I guess he would be easier to train in the whole text/call when on your way etiquette though!

Thumbwitch Wed 16-Jan-13 13:17:56

Good Lord. The woman has absolutely no shame and no boundaries. Have you told your DH yet? Tell him, let him fly off the handle and tell his mother where to get off - that's outrageous!

And yes, ALWAYS leave the key in the lock from now on when you're in the house!

Bloody hell.

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:18:54

Thanks everyone. She did this once before Jumping at our old house and then moaned that she had seen her birthday present as I had left it out on our dining table to be wrapped hmm

OP: hopefully this will cheer you up and help you realise you're not alone:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1644962-Amd-the-passive-aggressive-award-of-2012-goes-to

Is there any possible way you can get some other labour related childcare? This would mean me taking the key back off them, I'd be so cross at this.

JohnBender88 Wed 16-Jan-13 13:20:12

I would throw a shit fit if my MIL did this! Does she really need a key just now? I'd take it back and only give it back when you go into labour and she picks up your DS and then ask her to hand it back once you're discharged.

It's a gross invasion of privacy!

My MIL was sat at the top of our road waiting for us to arrive when we moved then proceeded to shove me out of the way demanding a tour, I was 23 weeks pregnant and nearly smacked into the table. She also told the workman that it was her house. Bitch. She's asked for a key but I put my foot down.

WTF shock.

Phone your husband. Let him fly of the handle. Your MIL is unbelievably rude. Do not worry about childcare, she is obviously too nosey to turn up the chance to be right in the middle of your life. shock

NaturalBaby Wed 16-Jan-13 13:21:55

What a nightmare! Send her an email explaining how upset and offended you are that she invaded your privacy?
Homebirth?

Dawndonna Wed 16-Jan-13 13:23:46

I have a key to my son's house. I would not dream of using it unless he asked me to. Outrageous behaviour from your MiL. I'd be asking my dh to have strong words.

Tailtwister Wed 16-Jan-13 13:24:32

That's awful, how dare she! What an invasion of your privacy and that's not even counting her horrible comments. I don't know what to say apart from you have my sympathy.

Tailtwister Wed 16-Jan-13 13:25:35

Oh and yes, definitely put the chain on from now on.

KoalaTale Wed 16-Jan-13 13:26:05

Yanbu. I'd never speak to her again, get your key back and get alternative childcare! I'm furious for you!

ChasedByBees Wed 16-Jan-13 13:27:18

Phone your DH and let him have words - this is outrageous! I'd be trying to find other childcare. How dare she be snarky to you in your own home the cheeky woman!

ENormaSnob Wed 16-Jan-13 13:27:49

I would absolutely hit the roof over this tbh.

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:28:52

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately the key is needed as we live quite far away from the hospital and I have had a couple of admissions already where we needed them to collect DS from nursery and bring him back to the house. Still to tell DH as he will go overboard and she is likely to take the huff and refuse to help just to make herself more important. I was wondering about speaking to FiL as he is lovely, if rather downtrodden..

ThreeBee that is uncanny!!

StuntGirl Wed 16-Jan-13 13:29:22

Yes, let your husband know. She needs to hear from both of you that she is completely out of order for 1) letting herself in your house and 2) making any kind of comment on you or your house. Ask for the key back immediately. I'd go so far as to change the lock if she refuses.

Is there any possibility of arranging different childcare while you're in labour? This woman has no boundaries so you're going to have to set them - quite far away from your home and personal lives!

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Wed 16-Jan-13 13:29:29

Get the key back asap, she doesn't' need it!
Surely she could have the dc at her house or do you have a dear friend that could pass on the key to her when the imminent labour starts??

After these incidents I wouldn't be allowing unknown access into my property!
Get yourself onto the stately homes thread for toxic ils and parents, they sound awful

diddl Wed 16-Jan-13 13:30:01

Ooh OP I`m so cross for you.

If I lived nearby I´d do your childcare for you-day or night!

milf90 Wed 16-Jan-13 13:30:23

omg!!! is there absolutely nobody else who can provide childcare?? friends???

otherwise i agree, take her key off her until you actually go into labour

Charge her an entrance fee next time she comes, as your house is now a top tourist attraction.
Seriously - get the key back! She has massive boundary issues. If you don't get it back before the birth you must must must get it once you have your newbie. Otherwise she'll be popping up all the time saying unhelpful things.

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:31:24

You are all probably right re they key.. I need to ask myself if she really needs it or if she has just convinced me she does. DS has allergies so she used that as the reason for looking after him here and not at her house.

Otheregos Wed 16-Jan-13 13:32:16

If you already knew what they were like why on earth did you give them a key in the first place?

Thumbwitch Wed 16-Jan-13 13:34:03

Get a key to her place! Go in there randomly, preferably when you know she'll be in bed! See how she likes it.

(yes yes, childish, but sometimes it's the only way to show them how fucking unreasonable their behaviour is)

LemonBreeland Wed 16-Jan-13 13:34:11

I think you need to let your DH go mad. She has to realise that what she did is completely inappropriate and unnacceptable.

So you really not have any friends you could ask to help out in case of childbirth? Most people who are even just acquantances (sp) would be willing to help out in such circumstances.

Use that chain.

When you get up with ds tonight, phone your MIL. Preferably around 3am. Explain (nicely, in a polite, friendly, helpful way) that you may be sleeping in tomorrow morning as you are up in the night, and you thought you'd ring and let her know that. Act surprised if she is upset at being woken, as you know she doesn't think sleep is that important. Repeat every night when you are up in the night.

Ask for a key to their house. If they say why, tell them you have some friends visiting and you may want to show them round. Insist you need a key. Use it at ridiculous hours. Pop round when they aren't there and steal all the bread and milk. Deny it was you afterwards.

And save telling your dh for a particularly bad moment during labour...

MumVsKids Wed 16-Jan-13 13:35:31

Unbelievable shock

If my mil did this, and I woke up to her touring my house with her friends, I'd have thrown the nearest, heaviest object at her!!

Definitely take the key back from her, or leave your key in the lock at all times so rendering her key useless.

Just one thing to consider, is your mil expecting that you will take your key back once baby is born?? If so, do you think she might get another one cut from it before she returns it??

YorkshireDeb Wed 16-Jan-13 13:36:59

I reckon next time she turns up you should shout "get the fuck out of my house!" In the style of a heavily pregnant, hormonal woman. X

AngelinaCongleton Wed 16-Jan-13 13:38:17

My goodness. My MIL did the exact same thing to me except when i was heavily pregnant. We had renovated the house, my fil had helped so I think she felt it was hers. Oh dear. Get you dh to to tell her that is unacceptable, scary even, he wouldn't like it if she did it to him, never mind his wife.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 16-Jan-13 13:38:58

Your MIL needs a serious talking to - not just about letting herself into your house, but for speaking to you like that when you're heavily pregnant.

A similar thing happened to me when ds was newborn, only it was FIL (he wasn't showing friends around shock ), just 'dropping something off'. Having had a bad night with ds, I looked an absolute state. Mortifying.

DH rang him, and politely but very firmly told him he must always ring beforehand, as it could scare the bejeezus out of me if I was on my own in the house, in the bath or the loo, and I heard someone just coming in.

He's never done it again, but the embarrassment will be with me forever...

She's manipulating you into thinking that she needs a key. Her behaviour this morning shows that she doesn't.

Your dh is the one to sort this out; if she huffs and sulks, then you get lots of lovely free time away from her.

Can you imagine what she's going to be like once you've had the baby? I can, and it's not pretty!

5madthings Wed 16-Jan-13 13:39:22

Wtf?! She is being massively unreasonable I would have a bloody fit!

AngelinaCongleton Wed 16-Jan-13 13:39:44

Actually reminded me how raging I was. What a lack of boundaries.

jumpingjackhash Wed 16-Jan-13 13:40:50

She really is something, isn't she?! Does she feel she has some kind of right to just walk into your house when she feels like it?

Definitely tell DH and let him go mental at her.

KateUnrulyBush Wed 16-Jan-13 13:41:48

She sounds so unreasonable I would change the locks if I were you. Good grief. Makes my mil look like a saint! She just knocks once then opens the front door which annoys me enough that I put the latch on now, but if she gave actual tours I would hit the roof, it just not acceptable behaviour.

smornintime Wed 16-Jan-13 13:44:31

That's awful! Please tell DH, think seriously about other options for labour so she doesn't need the key. She obviously can't be trusted with it.
My DM has a key to our house and has NEVER used it unless I have asked her to (apart from once when we were at work and she was passing and needed the loo but I'll let her off that one smile)

bonzo77 Wed 16-Jan-13 13:46:04

Get the key back. Leave a stash of your DCs clothes, pyjamas, toys etc at MILs house. When you go into labour she can collect DC and take him back to hers. Maybe change the lock too if you think there's any chance she has/ will copy the key.

sudaname Wed 16-Jan-13 13:48:13

Please tell your DH and now !! Do not protect this awful womans behaviour. i wonder as an aside what the American house guests thought. Unless they have same level of manners as your Mil then presumably they were horrified - especially by the derogatory comments.
Why is it some parents of grown up offspring seem to have this mentality that they still have'access all areas' rights like they did when their offspring lived in their home. They still seem to think they still have and always will have some sort of jurisdiction on the grounds they are their parents hmm angry.

Dont let her hold you to ransom over the child care issue either - put it this way, if she wasnt around something else would have to be sorted out. Dont a lot of hospitals have creches in maternity units these days [out of touch old gimmer].

Blu Wed 16-Jan-13 13:50:28

Give yourself time to calm down and then I would compose a very calm but direct conversation. Tell her you realise she wanted to show off her DS's house, but you felt extremely intruded on, it was an invasion of your privacy, and the state of your kitchen was not as it might have been precisely because you were not expecting visitors. Furthermore having been up all night the state of your kitchen is none of her business. You appreciate their help and that's why she has a key, but this is an abuse of it.

And get your DH's support.

HazelnutinCaramel Wed 16-Jan-13 13:50:31

My sympathy is a bit limited as you knew what they were like! Why on earth did you give them a key after their behaviour last time?!

Bury the key in the garden. When the situation arises that they need to get into the house without you, reveal its location.

zzzzz Wed 16-Jan-13 13:50:52

Solution to key problem,

Remove it from MIL because of this mornings nonsense (or change the locks but FFS you children need a mother and father with a spine). Hide a key in the garden/shed, when in labour in few hours when dc in nursery phone MIL and tell her where to find it. Alternatively sew it into dc coat/bag.

I would refuse to live in a house that my Dh couldn't keep his mother out of.

Bonzo's suggestion is very sensible. If leaving some clothes at her house wouldn't work, then I would change the locks and leave a key with a neighbour, then IF you have a pregnancy related emergency, you can let her know which neighbour has the key - or if there isn't a neighbour who will reliably be in, tell her that IF you have an emergency, the key will be under the third flower pot from the left, and only put it there if you have to.

And tell your dh and let him bollock her from here to a week on tuesday.

edam Wed 16-Jan-13 13:52:02

Good grief, what a nutter your MIL is. Outrageous! She clearly doesn't need your key - anyone else would just take your ds to their house - she's engineered it. Scary.

EuroShagmore Wed 16-Jan-13 13:53:09

What the actual **? I wish you had been having a hot one and staggered out of bed naked with your preggo belly. That would have learned her.

Get the key back. If she really wants to do labour childcare in your house for valid reasons, surely she only needs the key for the time she is there. She comes over, you give her a key, she hands it back when your husband gets back from hospital. Tell your husband now and let him sort it.

BTW, my parents hold our spare key for emergencies. They have never used it and wouldn't dream of doing so, except in an emergency.

Kiriwawa Wed 16-Jan-13 13:54:32

I will look after your DS for you when you go into labour. Seriously - there must be someone else who can do it. You really need to make it absolutely clear that she has massively crossed a line and that she gets privileges withdrawn as a result.

Bloody hell - I would be incandescent

Pixieonthemoor Wed 16-Jan-13 13:57:27

I am SO sorry for you - your mil is breathtakingly rude. Honestly, if I were you, my head would have exploded with rage!! She is extremely lucky you didn't hear voices downstairs, assume you were being broken into and call the police!! Another vote here for telling your dh and letting him lose his rag - she needs to be told. There is no need for her to have a key - she is perfectly able to look after your ds at her house!!

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 16-Jan-13 13:57:42

Wow. I am very sorry. you must be fuming. I have no experience of such family members I am afraid. I would though:

1. Tell DH, cousins, anyone etc. what a cheek!

2. reduce your exposure/her importance:
Do approach some mums at school. You are not asking for regular childminding duties here, just a few mums who are willing to be called/ pick up DS when you go to hospital. Your DS will know the other kids so it is also easier on him. I did this when DC3 came along and people are so nice. I asked most mums in advance and had a phone list in my handbag but only used a couple in the end.

I like turning up at her house in retaliation but not sure if it would not start the war of the roses (the film not the English History).

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 13:59:35

Thanks everyone. They ended up with the key during a rather horrid emergency situation when I was admitted to hospital and DH had to leave me to collect DS from nursery and an overnight bag for me. It was all fairly chaotic and you're all right that I can't have it both ways. We have had it out with her in the past and am happy to do so again or to set DH on her but am aware with my current hormone levels that am at risk of dissolving into tears if I don't have my argument sorted in my head. I have a bag packed for DS and they already have essentials at their house so I will call and ask for the key back and explain that if there is an emergency we will take DS to hospital with us and leave a key hidden in the shed or something.

Thanks everyone. Off to call now!

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 14:00:04

PS - some of these solutions made me giggle so thanks!!

Hobbitation Wed 16-Jan-13 14:00:29

YANBU, appalling behaviour.

YouCannotBeSirius Wed 16-Jan-13 14:00:51

Your MIL needs to be told that what she did was awful. If no-one pulls her up on this, she will think that it's perfectly okay to gain access to your home whenever she feels like it.

She may well try to play the victim. Expect it to be twisted around to "I only called in to help. When I saw those dishes in the sink, I wasn't sure whether Abigboydidit had left the house in a hurry. Don't be so mean to poor little me when I was only trying to help."

She will be looking for some attention and drama. Don't give her any. If she withdraws her offer of help, tell her that you respect her decision and leave it at that. It will take the wind out of her sails and leave the ball in her court.

Hobbitation Wed 16-Jan-13 14:01:58

I bet the guests were excruiciatingly embarrassed as well. Why would they be interested in her son/DIL's house anyway? Bonkers.

Thumbwitch Wed 16-Jan-13 14:03:49

oh Lordy, don't tell her NOW where you're going to hide the key, that would be just as bad as her having it in her hot sticky little hand! Worse, she'd probably tell Evie-up-the-road as well where you'd hidden it!

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 14:04:30

No reply - grr! Was all prepared for a showdown there. Have left a slightly stuttering voicemail as was caught off guard but think my tone will be enough to make it clear she's in the shit. Calling DH now and think will ask him to pop past on his way home to pick up the key & shout at her.

Thanks again everyone. Had convinced myself she needed the key but there are other ways, even if they are slightly more convoluted.

I do agree with letting your DH take a pop at her. If he's likely to get incandescent then don't feel guilty. You gave her a second chance and she abused it.

Thinking about that key -

"Unfortunately the key is needed as we live quite far away from the hospital and I have had a couple of admissions already where we needed them to collect DS from nursery and bring him back to the house. "

So they only need the key if they are collecting DS? Would it be possible to arrange with the nursery that they hold the key and would give it to her when she picked DS up? Or for the key to be securely attached to DS's coat or bag?

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 14:07:23

That's a genius idea WhereYouLeftIt! Curse my pregnancy addled brain!

Waiting for DH to call back now <drums fingers>

sudaname Wed 16-Jan-13 14:08:57

You could get a small keysafe for outside your house with a pin code to get in it. They are discreet - you can fit them out of sight somewhere - but very secure even if 'spotted' unless you have the code. Would do a link to one but l struggle with links. Beauty is you can change the pin no. as often as you like so only give it to her when you have an emergency and then change it pronto afterwards but dont tell her grin.
But she would simply never ever get access to my house using a key ever again if it were me

DoodlesNoodles Wed 16-Jan-13 14:08:57

This is easy to sort out....... smile

Get an additional lock for the door. You and DH have both keys and you lock the second lock when you are home. If you are out and MIL may need access then you leave the second lock unlocked. It would be much more satisfying to shout and swear but as you need their assistance it may not be the time to do it.

DoodlesNoodles Wed 16-Jan-13 14:10:16

Hope my post makes sense

It does to me hmm

sudaname Wed 16-Jan-13 14:11:09

Good idea Noodles

Chopsypie Wed 16-Jan-13 14:11:26

This thread makes me glad I live a 20 min drive away fro my mother, as this is the sort of thing she would do.

Hope you get sorted soon!

StuntGirl Wed 16-Jan-13 14:14:20

Glad you're setting boundaries with her. You definitely don't want her to keep this up when you've had the baby!

lashingsofbingeinghere Wed 16-Jan-13 14:30:32

OP, would she dare to copy your keys before giving them back?

I second a keysafe with a pin code or fitting a second lock which only you have keys to. Belt and braces and all that.

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 14:52:02

Thanks everyone. Just off the phone to DH. He seemed equally upset as angry so we agreed he will go past on the way home and have it out with her. I don't think she will have copied the key as she is pretty oblivious to how badly she acts and thinks she is bullet proof because of our limited childcare options so wont have considered me taking it back. Now I just have to wait and eat chocolate...

CailinDana Wed 16-Jan-13 14:58:03

Maybe I'm an angry git but if my MIL did something like this I would just stop all contact with her. I would just be so angry to be treated with such disrespect that I wouldn't be able to be around her again unless she grovelled on the floor for forgiveness.

maddening Wed 16-Jan-13 15:07:23

Does this woman have no boundaries- who on earth thinks that is alright to do!

Hope your dh has the desired effect! Would love to be a fly on the wall when he talks to her!

nickelbabe Wed 16-Jan-13 15:18:40

I like the idea of having the spare key attached to DS's bag.

make sure it's one he always has with him, then wherever he is, it'll be there with him.

nickelbabe Wed 16-Jan-13 15:19:04

(maybe it could be the bag his medicine is kept in?)

Buddhastic Wed 16-Jan-13 15:31:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buddhastic Wed 16-Jan-13 15:31:45

Sorry wrong thread, obviously!

feministefatale Wed 16-Jan-13 15:36:14

shock

Beg child care off someone else and then change your locks... she won't know till after she has tried to come in unasked!

OmgATalkingOnion Wed 16-Jan-13 15:38:13

Omg you poor thingshock. I'd have gone nuts. What an awful woman she sounds.

NewYearNewBoo Wed 16-Jan-13 15:48:14

That really is just awful of her, I would echo the plan to tell DH, let him fly off the handle. Also (sorry if it has been suggested, only skimmed most of the thread) get the key off her, immediately, and attach it inside DS's nursery bag then she can still collect him and let herself in at the appropriate and permitted time it would also mean someone else could collect him too.

nennypops Wed 16-Jan-13 15:57:52

Might it put her off if you took to wandering around the house stark naked?

Naked in this weather? grin

thegreylady Wed 16-Jan-13 16:05:27

Gosh that is rude! I have a key to dd's house as I childmind twice a week.If I need to go other times I phone first.If they are in and I am passing I usually ring from outside the house and I always ring the doorbell if they are in-I never let myself in!

DoodlesNoodles Wed 16-Jan-13 16:57:31

TBH. This is why it is best to have alternative childcare arrangements. She is going to do you a favour and probably thinks this gives her the right to enter you house whenever she wants.

It's much better to be self sufficient if possible. Unfortunately, it is so convenient and so much cheaper to use grandparents.

Hope it goes OK ths evening.

elizaregina Wed 16-Jan-13 18:06:12

I am really sorry op but I couldnt help grin at the cheek and irony here!! Coming into your house unnannouced then cheekily feeling embarrased as you were still in bed!!

Its parent to child behaviour isnt it bless her!

sudaname Wed 16-Jan-13 18:10:44

Exactly Eliza that's what l was trying to say about some parents still think they have jurisdiction over their 'childrens' homes. That's what it is l suppose, they still think theyre in authority.

'Bless her' - 'I'd bloody bless her'

FelicityWasSanta Wed 16-Jan-13 18:18:29

shock. Not surprised you're angry! Has DH been over there yet? Did he get the key?

FarrahFawcettsFlick Wed 16-Jan-13 18:19:20

You could have a second lock fitted. Use it when you don't want to be disturbed and for DH coming home in middle of day. Leave it unlocked when you need MiL to use the house for child care - she would use the original lock.

So shocked! Did dh give her what for? X

VivaLeBeaver Wed 16-Jan-13 18:24:38

You need to go round her house about 11pm tonight when she'll be in bed. Take your best mate and let yourself in.

Quick tour of downstairs, then burst into her bedroom, put the light on. Tell your mate that this is the bedroom, put light off and then both of you clatter down the stairs and out the front door. Shout over your shoulder that you're just showing your friend round.

See how she likes it!

She is unbelievably rude!

We have a small keysafe box. It is right next to a wall hung flower pot, so not visible for anybody just passing.

standingintheriver Wed 16-Jan-13 18:29:11

buy one of these bolt to an outside wall,in a discreet place.

Put the key in it, if an occasion arrises that needs someone to have access to your home, you can then text them the combination.

Loving BerthaTheBogCleaner's suggestion! grin

So OP, did DH rip her head off?

Cuddlyrunner Wed 16-Jan-13 18:30:27

It is outrageous and DH needs to have a word. (I have 3 adult ds and would never dream of walking in unannounced!)

Samnella Wed 16-Jan-13 18:34:24

I don't see why she needs a key now. You go into labour and give her the key as you leave and collect it once you return. That key needs to be returned and you and DH get her round and tell her to her face why its removed and how unacceptable her behaviour was. You have to be direct with these types.

OwlCatMouse Wed 16-Jan-13 18:34:55

Dear god... This is unbelievable!

Matildaduck Wed 16-Jan-13 18:39:54

Omg, i had exactly the same with mine!! Didn't end well i'm afraid :-(

You have to clearly spell out under NO circumstances can they enter your home without consent from you EVER. It is the greatest intrusion of privacy, she has abused your trust completely.

People without boundaries need harsh correction.

Alternative would be to parade some of your friends round her house..

MummytoMog Wed 16-Jan-13 18:51:03

ARGH. Worst nightmare. I thought my in laws were bad for not knocking before they wandered in, but at least they didn't bring guests and they have learnt that walking into our bedroom unnannounced is BAD

Lavenderhoney Wed 16-Jan-13 18:55:01

Just read this. Don't leave a key anywhere outside as its the first thing burglars look for. We leave an emergency key with our neighbours and dh has one at work.

Get the key off her and tell her why. Don't worry about hurting her feelings, she doesn't mind upsetting you does she? Thank goodness your dh is angry and sticks up for you.

I do second alternative child are if possible, any mums you and your ds get on with? Or the nursery might be able to help with emergency labour care. who knows what she is rummaging through in your house when you are not there, plus the thought of being in bed bf a newborn and her barging in to show off her new gc would do my head in.

milf90 Wed 16-Jan-13 18:55:27

Any update?

2rebecca Wed 16-Jan-13 18:59:31

I would get the key back. if you need to leave the key for an emergency you can put it under a stone or something. I wouldn't tolerate this at all. If the inlaws live nearby then you can drop the kids off with them if you go into labour. They can entertain the kids at their house until you get home if they need to pick them up from nursery. I really would get the key back as you can't trust them not to enter your house uninvited.
I would have been angry with MIL and the US guests and told them this is your house not the local stately home and apologised for your MIL doing something so rude to the US guests.

Whoknowswhocares Wed 16-Jan-13 19:01:58

I wouldn't leave a key anywhere or let her in the house unattended at any time!The stupid woman will probably copy it as soon as she gets her hands on it and will start coming round when you aren't at home she has no concept of boundaries and tbh sounds completely mental
Good luck. Unfortunately it sounds like you are gong to need it.

Viviennemary Wed 16-Jan-13 19:05:40

Take the key away from her. And say you were not pleased that she thought it was OK to show people round. But on the other hand she must have thought your house was really nice to have wanted to show it to her friends.

bran Wed 16-Jan-13 19:17:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I would have gone ballistic at her! How did it go with her and DH?

I like Viva's suggestion. grin

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 19:51:06

DH came home with DS and looking white with rage. He has the key so clearly a discussion has been had but he wants to wait till DS in bed to tell me what happened.. Will return with update once I hear!

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 19:55:49

May not be till after dinner though!

MumVsKids Wed 16-Jan-13 19:58:40

Eek, eat fast please? smile

Spuddybean Wed 16-Jan-13 20:00:43

oh dear, that doesn't sound good op. i've just read the thread and must say you were much more restrained than i would have been. how did you not shout 'get out of my fucking house you cunt' right in front of her guests after her dreadful comments?

zzzzz Wed 16-Jan-13 20:01:44

<Unhealthy interest in hearing how intrusive MIL got her come upance>

sudaname Wed 16-Jan-13 20:03:08

Oh god mi suspenders are killing me grin

elizaregina Wed 16-Jan-13 20:10:39

<Unhealthy interest in hearing how intrusive MIL got her come upance>

^^ me too...

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 20:12:47

Hmm.. Not much to say am afraid. DH says he doesn't want to talk about it (which always generally means he lost his temper). All he will say is that he made it clear how rude she had been and "doesn't care that she doesn't see it that way". As expected she huffed and withdrew her childcare services, which he told her was probably best shock. At this point it seems FiL stepped in and informed her that wasn't her choice to make (unheard of for him to speak out!) so according to DH it is now "all sorted". Apparently her house guests had already given her a massive telling off, so by the time DH got to her she was already on the defensive and giving it big "poor me" type behaviour.

I may have to ply him with alcohol to get the uncensored version..

Well done your DH.

Sugarice Wed 16-Jan-13 20:15:24

OP, start pouring! grin

Smellslikecatspee Wed 16-Jan-13 20:16:50

wine for abigboydidit Dh grin

cees Wed 16-Jan-13 20:17:27

Well done to your DH

FelicityWasSanta Wed 16-Jan-13 20:17:52

Well done DH, sounds like FIL is reasonable too!

Pixieonthemoor Wed 16-Jan-13 20:20:51

Can I just echo TrucksansDinosaurs - well done Mr a bigboydidit !! Massively refreshing to hear of a dh who will totally back his wife and wade in on her behalf. Your mil has behaved DISGUSTINGLY!!

Slightly disturbed to hear that "she doesn't see it that way" but I suppose we can't expect much more from someone so lacking in respect and boundaries.

Hope you are feeling a little less shaken op.

Good god. People like this exist ?
Jesus. I honestly would have physically thrown her out!

I gave the maintenance bloke a bollocking when i was 19 at uni in a shared house for letting himself in without knocking. Shame he didnt get more of a shock really - one of my housemates often used to do a quick dash to the tumble drier in the nude. Would have been even better.
I can only imagine what i would have said to someone who gave a guided fucking tour of my bedroom shock.

elizaregina Wed 16-Jan-13 20:29:08

Yes good on Mr a bigboy!!! It truely is a refreshing change, by the way op - before I somehow missed the bit about the dishes on the table! angry...you poor poor thing...also so very glad the guests she had also had the guts to speak out about it....if a few more people were able to speak out like that at unbeliveable behaviour...surely it would help society as a whole.....I mean in clear cut situs like this?

Are there any books out there for MIls and DP's in general who simply cant understand thier chldren are big now and need bloody space!

sudaname Wed 16-Jan-13 20:34:28

'I may have to ply him with alcohol to get the uncensored version'

Never mind the alcohol - get the nipple clamps out.

Joking apart my DH does this and its infuriating. On the odd occasion he does take my side when one of his family do something outrageous and he has a 'word' and comes home/off the phone and l want a syllable by syllable replay of every word they said and what tone they used and what face they pulled while saying it - he'll get all defensive about them and say 'Look l 've told them ok, l dont wanna talk about it'.
It's like he doesnt want me to gloat as if !

StormyWeek Wed 16-Jan-13 20:35:25

You think that you didn't have much to report???

Your DH gave her a well deserved bollocking
Your FIL over ruled her and stood up for you (and his family)
The house guests gave her a doing too

It's a brilliant victory - look at how well you've been supported. You're in good hands, and that's a lovely thing to be able to say. You have a horror for a MIL, but, tonight, I envy you!

Spuddybean Wed 16-Jan-13 20:39:01

What's wrong with these people - You were upset, her guests told her off and her son is angry, yet she still doesn't see it that way, and actually is even feeling sorry for herself. Do you have any idea what could possibly make her think she has a right to walk into your house, with strangers, while you are sleeping and then make horrible comments about your laziness? Is it just the childcare which makes her feel she owns you?

Matildaduck Wed 16-Jan-13 20:44:38

It was birthing and caring for her son that was the problem spuddy.
My similar il's were exactly the same, they still felt they had the right to control us, make decisions for us....

Respect for your lovely dh, mine likes to be diplomatic, wish he was like yours.

Wow. That is a 4-1 Victory to YOU and your family. Well done dh, houseguests and FIL.

MadamFolly Wed 16-Jan-13 20:45:10

Well done DH and well done guests.

Well done dh smile

MumVsKids Wed 16-Jan-13 20:52:45

What's your location? Just in case you need a couple of trusty MNers when labour is imminent? grin

Yamyoid Wed 16-Jan-13 21:08:34

I always wondered if I was being unreasonable insisting fil announces his presence before letting himself in, especially as he lived with us for a while. He still has trouble with the etiquette sometimes. Relieved I'm nbu according to this thread. But he's not a patch on your mil, op. Really feel for you, hope you're feeling better now. She surely knows she was in the wrong, she just doesn't want to admit it.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 16-Jan-13 21:14:13

Im glad DH went nuts at her, aswell as the house guests, at 39 weeks, losing sleep due to tending with a poorly child, your entitled to stay in be all day long if you should choose, and not worry about "Pop ins".

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 21:38:57

Thanks everyone. Am truly shocked at FiL speaking up so desperate to know more about that. I will maybe manage to get a drip feed version over the next few days. Like you sudaname, my DH doesn't share my enjoyment of analysing every element of the interaction!

Am not surprised she stood her ground as she tends to go all huffy and childlike when challenged so wont have liked her guests questioning her. She has 3 sons and a docile doting husband who I think have all tended to ignore her pander to her over the years. It's only now, with the introduction of wives and families, that she's having to take other people's feelings on board!

OMG I'd let your Dh go off on her and let her take the huff, maybe her Dh will keep her in check then.
If you weren't about to deliver I'd say take the key back and tell her she's lost the plot.

Whoops missed the update, hoping your MIL now gets a clue. I could see my MIL doing this she had form also.

Thumbwitch Wed 16-Jan-13 21:41:39

Oh that's brilliant! Not only did DH do the absolute right thing, get the key back and tell her she's utterly out of order; but her houseguests had already told her she was utterly out of order and even her own DH told her she was utterly out of order!! Fantastic.

And yet she will still be cocooned in her own bubble of self-importance and think everyone is ganging up on her and it will still somehow be everyone else's fault apart from hers. hmm

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 16-Jan-13 21:45:36

And yet she will still be cocooned in her own bubble of self-importance and think everyone is ganging up on her and it will still somehow be everyone else's fault apart from hers.

People like her rarely get over their self importance, it takes a big major event to chance it, and sometimes that would never work.

Like if someone loses a loved one, more so if its a small child, people like that whine, "Oh how could this happen to me"

abigboydidit Wed 16-Jan-13 21:53:05

GregBishopsBottomBitch - you have summed her right up! On Christmas Day I overheard a conversation between her and my sister-in-law's Mother. Basically the conversation was about my pregnancy and DC's impending arrival and how much we must all be looking forward to it. Now, to be clear DS's labour was pretty long and traumatic and ended in ECS but she was blissfully unaware of it all until DS arrived. I also never saw her for dust during the initial weeks after his arrival, when some interfering might have actually been useful. So - her reply?

"Looking forward to it? Oh am dreading it and just want it to be over. The last one was so horrendous with such a long recovery, the thought of all that again is just so upsetting.."

She is very lucky I was holding DS or I fear I would have let out a tirade angry

DoodlesNoodles Wed 16-Jan-13 21:54:38

thanks for abigboydidits DH

LemonBreeland Wed 16-Jan-13 22:02:51

Well done yor DH. So pleased that your FIL and the guests also made their point,

sudaname Wed 16-Jan-13 22:04:42

Actually my mother was like this, a very matriarchal, controlling, strong minded woman who could morph into a weeping Joan of Arc at the merest hint of the 'It's not about you'' phrase.

She actually was overheard gleefully saying to the nurses when my first child was born ( a month early - l was staying with parents while now exh worked away )

'Ooh l prayed she would go into labour before next week (l was due to return home then) - l was dreading her going home then l wouldnt see the baby till it was a few months old' (we lived quite a distance away).

hmm and angry still that she would rather risk her daughter and grandchilds well being in a premature birth so she could have them all to herself for a few weeks rather than have them go home with babys dad to their own home when baby was safely due.

Yeah they do take the biscuit these controlling mums /mils.

Allalonenow Wed 16-Jan-13 22:19:33

Well done to your DH.
My partner's sister used to do this, bringing her holiday guests to view a guided tour our house while we were away, it was a free day out for them, apparently she would serve them drinks!!

I discovered this by chance, when she called in one day with a total stranger in tow while I was there, and she was most put out when I sent them both packing.

I felt it was completely unacceptable to have strangers wandering freely amongst my private possessions, and I felt that the sister had betrayed my trust and overstepped so many boundaries.

I had an extra lock fitted; she is still not speaking to me.

MolehillAlchemy Wed 16-Jan-13 22:32:24

I love threads like these. A good three-act story structure, a cast of characters, heroes and villains, a quest for righteous justice, and above all a happy ending.

Woohoo! Applause for OP and DH and FIL.

diddl Thu 17-Jan-13 07:44:05

Well done OPs husband.

But does "all sorted" mean that she will still be supplying childcare?

In which case a bit of a hollow victory imo.

Great that FIL stepped in-perhaps he could see a rift developing-but it´s not really his say as to whether or not she withdraws childcare, is it?

Will FIL now be giving CC alone, then?

HoleyGhost Thu 17-Jan-13 08:14:49

Could you talk to nursery staff that your ds knows well about emergency childcare? Worked for us, we got a trusted babysitter with no strings attached.

HoleyGhost Thu 17-Jan-13 08:15:19

Could you talk to nursery staff that your ds knows well about emergency childcare? Worked for us, we got a trusted babysitter with no strings attached.

Whatdoiknowanyway Thu 17-Jan-13 08:59:08

Glad you got it sorted.
My mum had the key to my house. She would use it when I was out to put a big tin of homemade cakes just inside the door. Never came further in unless we were there or we had asked her to.
I miss her.

Adversecamber Thu 17-Jan-13 09:02:31

I think your MIL would get on well with the other evil MIL on the new baby thread.

Well done to your DH and downtrodden FIL

debinaboat Thu 17-Jan-13 09:16:46

This is why my mil will never get a key to my house!
I agree withpumpkin
If they live quite close,why don't they take your dc home to theirs if there is a labour emergency. You could leave a little bag of clothes ,toys,pjs etc . Enough for an overnight stay.

debinaboat Thu 17-Jan-13 09:19:04

Jeez there was only about 20posts when I started typing,got to learn to type faster smile

Good result OP, hope you can squeeze some more info out of your DH soon!

However all these posters with relatives that give guided tours of their houses... Do you live in bloody national trust houses or what?? grin

elizaregina Thu 17-Jan-13 10:12:14

I love threads like these. A good three-act story structure, a cast of characters, heroes and villains, a quest for righteous justice, and above all a happy ending.

Woohoo! Applause for OP and DH and FIL.

grin

DoodlesNoodles Thu 17-Jan-13 10:14:32

elizaregina

It also has a villain, a hero and a wronged dame.

Glad it's sorted though smile

elizaregina Thu 17-Jan-13 10:20:38

me too doodles, I think pregnant women and mothers with NB are sacrosant....smile

elizaregina Thu 17-Jan-13 10:21:28

ooh was quoteing mole hill re play.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now