to want to cancel going to this wedding

(326 Posts)
nennypops Tue 15-Jan-13 21:16:09

DH is supposed to be best man at the wedding of an old friend of his in a few weeks' time. He was asked when I was expecting DS2 and I was invited too. DSs is breastfed and would have to come with us. DS1 has SN and wouldn't cope, so we are making other arrangements for him. A couple of weeks ago we had friend and fiancee round for a meal and, when we were talking about the wedding, I said that I was planning on sitting at the back with the baby so that I can take him out if he starts crying; also we would get a room in the hotel where the reception is happening so that, again, I could disappear and feed him if necessary.

They seemed happy with that, but a few days later DH got an embarrassed call from his friend saying that they weren't sure about having the baby there, couldn't we leave him behind. DH said no, explained why not, and said we realised that they wouldn't want any disturbance which was why we were planning on making arrangements so that wouldn't happen. Shortly afterwards, he had a call from the fiancee's mother of all people, coming up with all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't have the baby there - e.g. it would be cold in church (we'd wrap DS up warm, I'm sure the church won't be that cold), and the same sort of stuff re what if he needs feeding or changing etc. DH again patiently explained that we'd thought of all that. Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. So DH said that if she was basically saying that DS couldn't come, that was fine, and since she knew I couldn't leave him behind we would have to take it that my invitation is withdrawn and he would have to consider his own position. And we are both now thinking that he should cancel being best man.

It seems to us that they're perfectly entitled to have a no children rule, it's their wedding after all. However, they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome, let alone that our baby wouldn't be. DH doesn't want to spoil the wedding or embarrass his friend, but he feels it would be unfair to leave me behind, and that effectively withdrawing my invitation is a bit of a slap in the face. AWBU?

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 15-Jan-13 21:20:21

YANBU. In fact you are being perfectly reasonable.

timidviper Tue 15-Jan-13 21:20:27

No I don't think YABU. I am usually one of the people complaining at those who expect the world to revolve around their children but they invited you knowing you would have a baby and you have gone out of your way to be considerate and thoughtful.

aftermay Tue 15-Jan-13 21:20:49

Hmm, tough one. Not sure it's worth breaking a friendship over this. There must be lots of pressure from family. Don't take it too personally. They won't have thought so far on advance at what it meant you being of, having the baby breastfed etc.

DoItToJulia Tue 15-Jan-13 21:22:18

Oh, how messy. I am honestly not sure who is being unreasonable, but I am edging towards your friends, not you.

My best friend got married recently and my ds was 5 weeks old and she really wanted me there and bent over backwards to make sure I had everything I needed to be comfortable with the baby, but it was a chid friendly wedding anyway.

Not sure what you should do though, sorry!

BillyBollyBrandy Tue 15-Jan-13 21:22:37

YANBU. It is their choice. If you want a child free wedding that's fine, but you have to accept not everyone will want/be able to come.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 15-Jan-13 21:23:28

YANBU, you have a really lovely supportive DH, I wouldn't go either. How rude. So many people don't get the breast feeding issue at all. Hello mother and child need to be together.

littlewhitebag Tue 15-Jan-13 21:24:19

Your DH needs to approach his friend and ask him directly about this. He needs to explain that if you have thought through how to make things really unobtrusive with DS but if they don't want him there then he cannot be best man. Hopefully they will see sense.

WhatchuTalkinBoutPhyllis Tue 15-Jan-13 21:25:01

I don't think it's a tough one at all. fuck 'em the unaccommodating bastards.

YANBU

NotSoNervous Tue 15-Jan-13 21:25:54

YANBU they are being abit OTT about this. You've already explained that you'll take certain measures to make sure that nothing is interrupted. If I were in your situation that DP wouldn't go for the fact that were together and if I was invited because of our child then he wouldn't go either

BabsAndTheRu Tue 15-Jan-13 21:26:15

When I got married I wanted everyone's kids there so it was a real family occasion and not too formal, a real happy time after all it's the start of a new family.

A bit of a tricky one. Of course it is their wedding, so their decision but as you had made lots of arrangements to ensure there wouldn't be any disturbance, and they knew in advance it does seem a bit harsh to change their minds.

I think your dh should speak to his friend again asking him clearly if they want you all to be there, explaining that all the arrangements have been made, before you make any final decision about whether to go or not. Reading through it seemed to me that they don't (or at least didn't) have a problem with your ds been there, but it's the MotB who's making a fuss.

Hassled Tue 15-Jan-13 21:27:56

So will other children be there? Assuming yes - they're absolutely barking mad if they have issues with one newborn - your DS2 will probably be the quietest of the lot.

They probably never realised that the baby would be with you - people who haven't had children just think "babysitter" and that they gave you plenty of time to arrange one. Then the reality bit so to speak, and I bet they still just think you're being precious about it and that there's no reason you can't get a sitter - you're already getting one for DS1 etc etc.
I expect that if your DH now pulls out of being best man they will never forgive you (not your DH, you) and that will be the end of the friendship, even if it's not immediately apparent it's over. You will get the blame for "ruining their day" and that will be that.

Margocat Tue 15-Jan-13 21:29:21

YADNBU

Callyfornication Tue 15-Jan-13 21:30:27

HMMM YABU a bit. Do you and the baby have to be in the church? Can't you just go to the reception? They asked DH to be best man, not you.

ENormaSnob Tue 15-Jan-13 21:30:46

Yanbu

We wouldn't be going.

shock at mother of the bridezilla ringing to say all attention should be on her daughter.

Lexiesinclair Tue 15-Jan-13 21:30:59

You and your DH have been nothing but fair and reasonable. They are acting like twats - how pathetic getting the MIL to call with excuses.

Fuck em indeed.

Bubblegum78 Tue 15-Jan-13 21:31:25

Like you say, they knew he would have you and the baby when they invited you, sounds like the bride is being a bridezilla.

YANBU and further more, big brownie points to your hubby for not wanting to go without you.

At least if your hubby says no it might make his friend stand up to his soon to be wife, it might be her day but it isn't JUST her day, it's his too, selfish cow.

Lexiesinclair Tue 15-Jan-13 21:32:51

Also I think if your DH says he will pull out of being best man they will backtrack and your baby will be welcome after all.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 21:33:26

YANBU. They got her mother to call? Blimey...

FFS one of my friends brought her newborn (literally 3 weeks old) and be her at my wedding. I don't feel it took attention away from me at all! How old is the bride to be? 6? Grow the fuck up. YANBU at all, how weird. Well done to your DH.

IceNoSlice Tue 15-Jan-13 21:35:04

YANBU, they are. If they value your/DH's friendship they will understand that you cannot leave such a tiny BF baby so the baby needs to be there, or you can't come.

letseatgrandma Tue 15-Jan-13 21:35:04

I bet when they have a newborn, they'll look back on what they're asking you to do in embarrassed horror!

How old will dc be at the wedding? I presume a few weeks old and not 4-5 years ;) ?

NamingOfParts Tue 15-Jan-13 21:35:42

YANBU

My DH's suggestion is that your DH should apologise to the groom and say that it looks like the logistics just arent going to work and bow out of the wedding. Wish them well, send a nice present.

If they do have children then in a few years time they might well look back on this and cringe. Be kind to them for they know not what they do.

We had a child free wedding for all sorts of crap, ill-thought out reasons. I still look back and regret it and it is more than 20 years ago.

ukatlast Tue 15-Jan-13 21:35:58

If he's not that fussed about the friendship (and I'm guessing he isn't or this issue would never have arisen because communication would have been better all round) then I think YANBU and they need to get over themselves...upstaged by a newborn?...fgs!
In your shoes I would be keen to back out as well...they will realise in years to come once having had their own newborn how outrageous their attitude was.

Don't think yabu & very off that the mil to be has personally phoned you!

We went to a wedding where I was very pregnant with dc3 & had been in & out of hospital with contractions. Didn't spoil anyone's day I just went up to the room & quietly had my contractions then joined in again when they had gone away.

Presumably you could take ds to your room & feed him there if he was getting overwhelmed?

Might be that they think your dh won't be an attentive enough best man?
How does your dh get on with the bride to be?

thegreylady Tue 15-Jan-13 21:36:57

I just think you have a lovely dh smile
YANBU

*bf not be

WorraLiberty Tue 15-Jan-13 21:37:19

YANBU

I'm all for child free weddings if that's what the couple want but your DH is doing them a favour here.

They knew the baby would be around and you've been more than reasonable with your plans.

LemonBreeland Tue 15-Jan-13 21:41:07

YANBU. If they didn't want a small baby there they should have made it clear at the beginning, not now the wedding is almost here.

They have made you feel very unwelcome, I don't blame you at all if your DH cancels being best man.

I can't believe they got the brides mum to call! How old are they, 16? If I were your dh I would call and say if the baby can't come then neither can he, and ask where they would like to go from there. I would also tell them both to grow a pair- the mum ringing indeed grin

MerylStrop Tue 15-Jan-13 21:42:53

They probably think that if you have a babysitter for DS1, then they can have DS2 as well.

Interpreting it as withdrawing your invitation is not quite fair on them. They just don't get it. I think they are probably being a bit dim, not mean. Perhaps there are actually 17 other bf babies at the wedding.

That said, I would think bugger them and not go. But it could well be friendship terminated with DH's mate.

PS Do they not realise that anyone at all can go to a church wedding service? It's not a private party and any old noisy attention seeking person can go, invited or not. M

PoppyWearer Tue 15-Jan-13 21:42:55

YANBU.

When we got married my DH's best man had a 3yo and a 6wo.

To make things easier for the best man and his OH, we invited the best man's parents and also set up a wedding crèche which they didn't use but that's a whole other thread and a room where they could go with the baby when needed.

It cost us a lot of money, but that's how much we wanted them there, in spite of it being "our" day.

We also tolerated them dressing up their 3yo as a bridesmaid and her standing in all of the photos, but now we really are in another-thread territory.

MerylStrop Tue 15-Jan-13 21:44:39

I reckon it's the MIL's doing entirely

ihearsounds Tue 15-Jan-13 21:45:36

So they've have several months to say right no children at this wedding, said nothing, and now decide a few weeks beforehand no children?

Screw them. You have been accommodating, sitting at the back of the church to make a quick exit, rather than somewhere up front. Booked a room at the hotel, and obtained a sitter for your other child.

nennypops Tue 15-Jan-13 21:51:14

To be fair, I don't think they asked the bride's mum to call - I think she's the one making the fuss, she probably made her future SIL call and when that didn't work decided to do it herself. And Callyfornication, I'm perfectly prepared just to go to the reception and not the ceremony, they've made it clear they don't want the baby at either. I think the bride is an only child, which probably accounts for her mother's attitude.

I'm sure that the bride and groom didn't intend to be mean and probably didn't originally realise that it's not that easy to leave a bf baby with someone else for a couple of days, but dh did explain quite carefully without going into too much graphic detail (I was tempted to wrestle the phone out of his hands and tell them precisely why I neither wanted a miserable, hungry baby nor to have rock hard leaky boobs) and they - or rather Bride'smum - still wouldn't have it. Something tells me dh's friend is storing up trouble for himself.

Floweryhat Tue 15-Jan-13 21:51:15

Yanbu

We went to a wedding a few years back where we as a couple were invited to the main bit inc reception and our dcs (all under 6) go their own separate invitations to the evening do! It was a local church wedding and the bride is godmother to one of my dcs. We had no local family and no childcare to call on, but tried our best to work something out. in the end we paid a nanny for the main part, but we had to leave the reception early to go and get the kids ready for the evening do they were invited to (and v excited about), wo missed the speeches and by the time we got back with them we were late for that part. There was a string quartet, a bar and not enough seats for the guests. Nothing whatsoever for 3 young kids to do. We played outside with the on the lawn the dark, and then sat in the floor in the hall. Then thought sod this, and went home. Funnily, we haven't seen much of them since. Longstanding friends of over a decade, but just drifted apart since. If I could turn back time I wouldn't go.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 15-Jan-13 21:51:31

how old will your baby be at the wedding?

justmyview Tue 15-Jan-13 21:53:11

Might it be an option for your DH to travel to the wedding for the day, attend the wedding service & leave after the meal?

TheCrackFox Tue 15-Jan-13 21:55:10

".... Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her......"

What kind of a sad twat thinks that a baby is going to be taking attention away from the bride? What sort of sad twat gets their mum to phone up for her? If the bride is any older than 17 (unlikely) then I feel very sorry for her future DH.

Does your DH think this is worth ruining a friendship over? If not could he go on his own?

EuroShagmore Tue 15-Jan-13 21:55:41

I was about to say YADNBU until I read your awful only child comment.

<Stalks off thread, sibingless> Harrumph.

She must have got your number from them though? They still need to grow a pair and tell the mum to leave it if they are happy for you to come.

I would give them the ultimatum.

NamingOfParts Tue 15-Jan-13 21:56:01

I am guessing that they just dont really 'get' children. Quite possibly the meal with you brought home the reality of children to them.

I am also guessing that they saw your DH properly as a family man with other interests, ties and responsibilities. While for the bride and groom this is their big day, for you it is simply a day.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Tue 15-Jan-13 22:01:12

I would do what justmyview suggests. Your dh goes on his own, does his formal bit and then leaves.

And spells out to the happy couple, before or after the wedding, how unimpressed you both are with their behaviour.

Few things about modern life bemuse me more than people's preciousness over weddings.

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 22:01:44

If it's a church wedding anyone can go and sit in the church service anyway.

nennypops Tue 15-Jan-13 22:02:40

EuroShagmore, I wasn't suggesting that they was anything whatsoever wrong with the bride being an only child. I just get the distinct impression that her mother almost views the wedding as her own because she's been focussing on it for years, well before the couple even met, and maybe if there were other siblings around it wouldn't be such a big thing for her or they'd joke their mother out of it. Bride is in her 20s, BTW.

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 15-Jan-13 22:06:54

It's true what Linerunner says. Often at church weddings random members if the church's congregation go along.

Weddings have to be open to the public by law.

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 22:06:58

Is it a church wedding?

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 15-Jan-13 22:08:01

I think your DH should speak to the groom again and if they still don't want baby (how old?) then decide what you will do. it sounds to me that they didn't expect your baby to be coming so they were surprised at the dinner.

I would either send DH to be a fantastic best man or both stay home. I think it would be petty for DH to turn up and leave early to get home as it will create an atmosphere. Whatever you think of their attitude towards your baby being there, it would be unfair to create an issue at the wedding itself.

Picturesinthefirelight Tue 15-Jan-13 22:12:01

The same public access rules apply to civil venues too. One of the conditions of a venue being able to be licensed for a wedding is that us must be open to the general public.

foslady Tue 15-Jan-13 22:13:51

YANBU - send dh on his own, telling them that unfortunately you can't leave your boobs at home (and expressing 2 hours milk was a nightmare for me - 2 days would have taken months!) so can no longer make it.

And as others have said, sit back and wait for behaviour when pfb arrives......

persimmon Tue 15-Jan-13 22:17:15

I don't get child-free weddings at all. How precious can you be? It's just rude.

EuroShagmore Tue 15-Jan-13 22:20:20

I very much doubt that the MoB's attitude has anything to do with how many sprogs she popped out. Only child prejudice really fucks me off. I am one and was never a spoilt brat (not my parents' choice - my mum miscarried 4 children after me). Due to fertility issues if we are lucky enough to have a child it will probably be just the one. Most prejudices are now frowned upon. Ginger and only child prejudice are the only ones that still seem to be accepted.

As for the wedding, just let your husband go on his own and don't make an issue of it.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 15-Jan-13 22:20:57

YANBU. The comment by the bride's mother to the effect that it is her daughter's day and she would not want any attention taken away from her is revolting, pathetic, self absorbed and childish.

Your DH is being very supportive and loving by saying that he is no longer going.

Kafri Tue 15-Jan-13 22:25:42

Just like to point out that as the wedding is taking place in a church, ANYBODY is entitle to show up to watch it - invited or not. So what would the brides mother do if a family from the regular congregation were to rock up to watch the shindig.
While the reception is invitation only, a church wedding service is open to anybody who chooses. I'd turn up with the baby just cos I could!

iwantanafternoonnap Tue 15-Jan-13 22:26:26

My DS is an only and he is ginger...he's screwed grin

ProphetOfDoom Tue 15-Jan-13 22:29:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YANBU. How is your baby going to upstage the bride? Were you planning on putting him in a big white dress and a veil?

IceNoSlice Tue 15-Jan-13 22:31:19

YANBU as i said above.

However, there are some circumstances where I think it's fine to specify a child free wedding. A very good friend is a nursery teacher and wanted an adult focussed day (for a change!) plus she had a very small budget and loads of her friends have young kids so she would have really struggled to invite everyone she wanted there. So she said no kids except those not yet walking. Not strictly relevant to your situation, just saying the 'no kids' rule can be justifiable.

Battlefront Tue 15-Jan-13 22:31:51

What was the mother's response when DH told her he would assume your invitation had been withdrawn? Has he heard from/spoken to the groom since?

Presumably your DH and groom are good friends, so DH could call him and have a "OMG you never guess what your future MIL's done" conversation. See what he thinks should happen e.g. does he want a quiet life and happy for your DH to bow out, or will he fight to have DH as best man? (or maybe he doesn't want DS2 there either?)

Personally, just for fun, I'd be tempted to tell them that you aren't now able to attend the reception, but you would like to see DH's good friend get married, so your whole family (including SN DS1) will be attending the public wedding ceremony grin

sweetestB Tue 15-Jan-13 22:36:30

OP if I were you I would just ignore them and go anyway. You know your baby, if you think he/she will be quiet in the church than take the risk otherwise show up for the reception. What are they going to do? They won't kick you out and they will be so busy they probably won't notice anyway.

EugenesAxe Tue 15-Jan-13 22:37:26

Haven't read all but for me YANBU. I want to nut people like that mother-of-the-bride... 'it's all about her daughter'. As if you need telling.

Honestly, their wedding is going to bite them in the fucking arse if she has that attitude.

Just to say though, it sounds to me like MOTBzilla is behind their request and I expect if she wasn't around they would have been more amenable/understanding.

DumSpiroSpero Tue 15-Jan-13 22:40:01

iwanta & Euro I'm an only child with an only DD - clearly an ageing spoilt brat and destined to become a mother-of-the-bridezilla hmm.

Anyhoo, back to the OP - they have been pretty unreasonable in moving the goalposts this late in the day, but by all cancelling going and your DH pulling out of being best man you are only stooping to the same level.

Agree with what someone said about your DH speaking to the BG 1-2-1 about the situation, if not then personally I would just send him off on his own for the day and stay at home, particularly if it's more DH's friend rather that your friends as a couple iykwim.

titchy Tue 15-Jan-13 22:41:08

Sit at the back with your leaky boobs hanging out - no baby just boobs -that'll show 'em grin

DoodlesNoodles Tue 15-Jan-13 22:45:14

Another YANBU from me.

It is hard to say what I would do without knowing how far away the wedding is, how good mates the groom is, etc, etc but my first thought would be for neither of you to go. Perhaps your DH could speak directly with the groom.

Hippee Tue 15-Jan-13 22:46:13

Where's the wedding - can we all turn up at the church with our children? Mine would all behave horrendously and definitely take attention away from the bride.

katiecubs Tue 15-Jan-13 22:46:34

They are totally fucking ridiculous!

I don 't like or understand child free weddings anyway but to try and ban a breast fed newborn is madness.

SpicyPear Tue 15-Jan-13 22:57:14

YANBU, and that is from someone who generally thinks it's fine for a childless, or indeed any, couple to have a grown-up focused child free wedding. The MIL sounds like the mobzilla from hell. You sound like you have been willing to bend over backwards to minimise any baby related disruption and they have left it far too late to bring it up. I'm childless but would realise it is an impossible situation for you but maybe that's just because I spend too much time hanging around here

ZenNudist Tue 15-Jan-13 22:59:40

Do you want to go? Can dh go on his own for one night?

It's hard to say without more info but I think it would be good comeuppance for them if your dh bowed out as BM at last minute [mean emoticon]

SpicyPear Tue 15-Jan-13 23:00:41

Ooh ooh and what battlefront said. Please pull out and all turn up at the ceremony!

JimmysMum1988 Tue 15-Jan-13 23:04:33

Bridezilla!!!!

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 23:07:54

Just be a small wedding flash mob at the church.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 15-Jan-13 23:12:29

Your DH sounds lovely for not wanting to go without you.

He needs to have a chat with his fiend and sy that he's really sorry he won't be able to support him on his wedding day, but his family is his priority and he needs to tell him about the phonecall from future mil.

I wouldn't feel too bad for the bride and groom though, they will have given crazy mother-of-the-bride-zilla your phone number. She didn't pluck it out of thin air.

DHs friend knew the position your DH was in and didn't insist that his closest friend be allowed to bring his wife and baby to the wedding, and if your DH was important enough to him, he should have done. He didn't, so he has to face the consequences of having his best man drop out.

I'm surprised by this thread. I was totally with you up to the point where your DH is about to resign as Best Man...

Um, whut? I don't get this "if we are not all invited, none of us will go" thing. Since DCs DH has gone to several weddings on his own, or stayed for the reception while I've taken the DCs away again - including one where he was the best man.

They may not get it but it is their wedding and they do get to choose.

Not read all the responses as it is late, but....

At the wedding of DH's niece last year, the grooms neice was a bridesmaid of sorts (she was about 2 I think). Brides father kept wittering on about her, saying that it was his DD's day and that small girl should not be taking any attention away from her, and that people would be fussing over her as she was at a 'difficult' age and might 'play' up. My DD was also a bridesmaid and was put in charge of small girl, who actually was fine on the day and went home early to bed with paternal grandparents.

Fast forward 10 months and the 'bride' pissed off to Australia leaving her husband of less than a year behind.

So, twas all for nothing, all that expense, all those hats and presents, all that big country house, and all that fucking fuss.

YANBU

Snazzynewyear Tue 15-Jan-13 23:19:33

grin at wedding flash mob

I agree with CloudsandTrees above - get your DH to speak one-to-one with the groom to explain what an unhappy position this puts you in.

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 23:22:52

all that fucking fuss

which is how I feel about all weddings these days.

What ever happened to a service, song and a prayer, and cheese bap and beer down the Crown Posada?

EverybodysSnowyEyed Tue 15-Jan-13 23:25:56

Im with you horatia

My dh has been best man once. I helped him write the speech and everything. But I wasn't invited because they had limited space and a no partners rule. I didn't mind not being invited although it was a shame not to see dh do his speech!

I've also missed 3 weddings due to bf babies. In all cases the bride just didn't understand what the fuss was about. People without kids often don't. All they remember is the wedding they went to where a baby screamed through the ceremony or a child sang the alphabet through the vows.

I think there has been a misunderstanding here and they had not expected your baby to come and this is why you have this last minute issue

LineRunner Tue 15-Jan-13 23:37:20

I didn't realise that anyone could rock up to a civil wedding as well. <gets ideas>

Snazzynewyear Tue 15-Jan-13 23:39:21

The irony is yours is likely to be quieter if he is that young because you can just feed him and presto! silence. It would serve them right to have a chatty 5 year old there providing a constant narration throughout the ceremony grin

kickassangel Tue 15-Jan-13 23:55:30

yeah - weddings have to be open to the public so that someone can burst in unexpectedly and yell 'I object'. It's the law.

I know that lots of money gets spent on weddings, and people want it to be all lovely and perfect, but when they start trying to break the law (due to ignorance, but still) then they really are getting ridiculous.

I don't mind child free weddings, although I have the kind of family where child free anything just isn't an option, so it never occurred to me, but I'm still surprised by how many weddings get planned where it's made that certain people (children, spouses/partners) 'aren't invited' to the wedding when anyone can legally attend. And what other all day events would you plan for friends and tell them to leave their wife and child behind, even though you're celebrating a family day?

LineRunner Wed 16-Jan-13 00:02:37

Ah yes, the 'It Should Have Been Me!' moment ...

pigletmania Wed 16-Jan-13 00:03:34

YANBU at all, that is unacceptable, saying that the baby can come and then not, making up a whole manner or ridiculous excuses. I personally would be happy for dh to go though, and me to stay behind with the baby

Picturesinthefirelight Wed 16-Jan-13 00:04:45

"Marriages must be solemnised in premises with open doors which the registrar general interprets to mean that the public must have unfettered access to witness the marriage and make objections to prior to or during the ceremony"

lechatnoir Wed 16-Jan-13 00:06:31

Rewind 15 years and I was this bride smile We had a child free wedding and I kept insisting to a good friend that yes this did include her newborn but thankfully she realised I was just being a twat clueless about babies & told me to stop being so fucking precious & she wasn't missing my big day so baby would come whether I liked it or not! As soon as I had children I did indeed cringe & we laugh about it now.
Don't lose a good friend (or let your DH) over something this couple clearly have no idea about newborn babies. Just send him on his own & enjoy your own newborn cuddles.

parachutesarefab Wed 16-Jan-13 00:12:06

I'm with Horatia and Snowy. Bride and groom aren't being very understanding, but pulling out of being best man sounds petty.

(Mother of the bride is out of order.)

Was the invite to you and DH, or to you, DH and family? Sounds like they assumed you'd be getting a babysitter for DSs, you assumed you'd be taking DS2.

How old will DS2 be, and how far away (geographically) is the wedding?

mam29 Wed 16-Jan-13 00:23:45

We had 2wedding invites month dd2 was born.
a freind in same freindship group had similar due date she was expecting 1st.

selfish freinds 1party-west wales we southwest-no kids wanted money as gift knowing we were both due any moment or would have newborn.

Nice freinds local wedding

i took my 2week old slept most time in pram.
I breastfed outside main room dsicreetly went really smoothly.

took dd1 to wedding at 6months old and breastfed at back.

I find some much discrimination about feeding.

I would say none of you go I would be annoyed.

especially as you were paying for a room.

mil -weird and annoying

BookieMonster Wed 16-Jan-13 00:29:52

YANBU to not go yourself. I'd ask your DH to be the better person and still be best man, though.

EldritchCleavage Wed 16-Jan-13 00:30:27

You HAVE to go, so you can snub mother of the bride in spectacular fashion.

I think your Dh could still go, alone, and give a 6very6 interesting speech!

Oh they are going to be so embarrassed when they have a baby!

DoodlesNoodles Wed 16-Jan-13 00:43:18

Good plan EldritchCleavage

If DH does go he must mention his darling wife and baby several times, he should also mention how much he misses them. Cue, sighing and looking sad. Also, he must make several inappropriate MIL jokes.

blackeyedsusan Wed 16-Jan-13 00:52:32

if you have booked the room, surely you are entitled to be in the hotel anyway?

ho tempting it is to go to the ceromony with ds 1 and 2 as it is open to the public... and to enjoy loudly, the facilities of the hotel that you have booked a room in...

LibraryMum8 Wed 16-Jan-13 00:59:22

YABU, but I know where you care coming from. IMO I'd have him just go and do his "duties". If he cancels now, regardless of what they said, they all are going to hold it against him and their friendship will be shot.

Let him go by himself. Doesn't sound like you would have much fun anyway with him being at the Bridal Party Table (and all that crap, sorry, but I hate it when dh or I is in the stupid bridal party and we're away from our spouses for Christ's sake!)

We've just received today an invite to a friends wedding who thoughtfully and considerately invited our DSs too. They even have their own choice of menu!! These are the kind of people I like to have as friends. Sadly will not be able to go though.

The couple are BVU!

This happened to me and dh with his best friend. We were invited before we had dd1 and nowhere in the invitation did it mention no children. Dh was supposed to be an usher but after the awkward conversation of dh's friend telling him no children were allowed two weeks before the wedding dh decided if I can't go then he shouldn't either. The bride then sent him a barrage of text abuse (what a classy chick) and they haven't spoken to him since. Of course they blame me.

holidaysarenice Wed 16-Jan-13 01:39:48

Have you considered that they might have refused others with children, maybe even older children who would run about and this keeps it fair?

Also if you bow out it needs to be now, not a week before, so he can arrange someone else!

It sounds like it was an issue, the guy rang ur dh still said we are bringing baby, and then it took someone else before your dh realised actually its not what the bride and groom want. And at the end of the day it is their day, just as you had yours I assume.

Personally I would send dh to the church, maybe the meal and leave. Then see how the friendship lies with your feelings later. Or get someone to keep baby for you both to go to the church and then leave. I'm assuming baby is more then 2-3 weeks old? What age is he?

Ah yes I forgot. YANBU

emmyloo2 Wed 16-Jan-13 02:05:14

YANBU in any way, shape or form.

They are being fucking ridiculous. This crap about it's her day and nothing should distract from that. What a load of bullshit.

I wouldn't go. However, your DH may want to go just to preserve the friendship. People are so precious about weddings, it's ridiculous.

and yes agree with a poster above that when they have a newborn they will realise what arseholes they are being.

kickassangel Wed 16-Jan-13 02:05:28

2 days though. so not just her dh going out for a day, but overnight as well. with an older ds with sn, and a baby, that would be bloody knackering.

I also think that knowingly doing something which excludes someone based on their gender (ie breastfeeding mother) is called discrimination and illegal. the church is a public ceremony, politeness aside, they are breaking the law on a couple of different points by excluding a bf mother from their marriage. Which kind of makes me think that the people breaking the law are perhaps the ones being Unreasonable.

ENormaSnob Wed 16-Jan-13 07:24:06

Obviously they have given a few weeks notice to get overnight childcare for a bf newborn.

So finding a new best man in the same timescale won't be a problem.

Have they said exactly why the newborn isn't invited? Because the reasons mil have given are farcical tbh. On that basis alone I doubt my own dh would go.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 16-Jan-13 07:59:47

It's not petty at all for the DH to back out of being best man. If the groom was that bothered, he would have insisted that his friend be allowed to bring his baby. He had the situation explained to him, he can't expect to have his friend do a nice thing for him when he's making it so difficult.

NeedlesCuties Wed 16-Jan-13 08:05:52

IMhumbleO, your DH should go alone, but tell them afterwards, or maybe before just how very prickish they're being.

I agree that some people just let wedding planning run away with all their wit and sense, and that in a year or so they'll wake up and be embarrassed at themselves.

13Iggis Wed 16-Jan-13 08:11:59

I would get the 'wait till they have a baby' line except they have persuaded the mother (who must've had a baby!) that the baby shouldn't come either!
I had a child-free wedding, but made a point of telling one couple who were expecting theirs a few weeks before the wedding that this did not, of course, include their newborn (breastfed or not).

Bananapickle Wed 16-Jan-13 08:13:57

It is a tough one but I think to say they don't understand because they dont have children is such a poor excuse.
I got married I my early twenties and we didn't have children, we had a no children rule for the reception except if you a babe in arms.
Babies really aren't an issue at a wedding. I think your friends have just got a little tunnel sighted.
Having said all that it maybe that you do just have to let your DH go, you could still put your other DC with the already planned babysitter so you're not left dealing with both children on your own.
Sometimes it's best to let some things go...

JusticeCrab Wed 16-Jan-13 08:16:33

YANBU. Newborns don't make a great deal of noise. If they'd already sent out invitations when they raised the issue with you, then it's especially U as they should have stipulated 'no kids' on the invitation.

Grapesoda Wed 16-Jan-13 08:21:59

YANBU. We had a child free wedding (cost and seating related) but made sure those ppl who couldn't arrange child care were welcomed with their dc.
We can all get a bit hysterical when it comes to our big day, so I'm sure it's not worth falling out over longer term. Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Casserole Wed 16-Jan-13 08:48:21

YADNBU. We had a child free wedding, but one of my friends had a 3 week old who OF COURSE we made sure she knew she could bring, and made a room in the hotel available for her to use if she wanted to have a break, or not feed in front of great uncle Cyril, or whatever.

How old is your baby? And if you pull out now will you lose money on the hotel?

carabos Wed 16-Jan-13 08:51:41

Has it occurred to you that the objections to the baby are a red herring? It may be that the bridezilla really objects to the choice of best man and thought that if she makes an issue about the baby then he will have to pull out. This will have the desired effect of taking him out of the best man role and probably the secondary desired effect of spoiling the friendship with her STBDH.

It may be that your well-thought-out strategy for managing the demands of your newborn has scuppered her cunning plan, which is why she has resorted to getting her DM to phone you. Quite possibly the STBDH knows nothing about the MiL call.

<over thinking the whole thing>

StuntGirl Wed 16-Jan-13 09:48:05

The couple might not also ever have children either - through choice or not. So they might not ever 'get' how unaccommodating they're being.

It's up to your husband really. It's nice of him to be so considerate of your feelings. This could be the end of the friendship if he pulls out though; would he be ok with that happening?

CailinDana Wed 16-Jan-13 09:54:17

I wouldn't go simply because of the stupid phonecall from the mother. Any friends who would let their mother call a friend to harass them are not worth it IMO. And embarrassingly idiotic.

dreamingofsun Wed 16-Jan-13 10:30:13

how far away is the wedding? if its local to where you live then surely he could do minimum best man duties and you could stay at home. its not ideal - but as people say its their wedding.

if its further away then thats more of an issue - though guess he could still just travel for the day.

everlong Wed 16-Jan-13 10:38:08

How old will the baby be?

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Wed 16-Jan-13 10:52:37

I don't understand the people saying op's DH should go alone. If my DH was uninvited to (from?) an event I wouldn't go. What do you do with a breastfed newborn?
I would be pleased with myself if I managed to say no politely!

Yfronts Wed 16-Jan-13 10:56:14

Email your friend. Outline (in great detail) what MIL said and explain that you were quite shocked and can they confirm that they are withdrawing wife's invite? Explain if this is the case you need to rethink the logistics of best man as firstly you need to think about whats practical for your family.

DuchessFanny Wed 16-Jan-13 11:20:37

I had my 3rd DS for a Wedding where the B & G did all they could to make it easy for me, luckily he slept like a baby grin through their service and at the reception i was shown to a private room that would be mine for bf and naps, they were so kind and it was lovely to be so looked after as a knackered mum ! I was made to feel very welcome and being a nb, he mainly slept .... oh and he did get a bit of attention being so little, but not as much as the beautiful bride !!

As an aside my SIL fell out with one of her bridesmaids before the Wedding who then decided she wouldn't come, her husband didn't either ( he was to be best man) and they've never recovered ...

Grapesoda Wed 16-Jan-13 11:44:47

Does your DH want to go?
If he does I would be tempted to let him get on with it. It might give you a bit of peace at home. grin
Your dh's friends are being unreasonable IMO.
They're having a massive brideszilla episode. If they are fortunate enough to have their own dc one day I promise the bride will look back on this and experience an enormous cringe!

scaredbutexcited Wed 16-Jan-13 11:57:16

YANBU

However, I would probably consider:

- Do they even know about the call from the MIL? May not have been their fault?
- How would you feel if just your DH went? May be the end of a friendship if he pulls out of being the best man and are you that bothered about going anyway? In any case, he has already demonstrated how loyal he is to you so that doesn't sound like an issue
- Perhaps you could just go to the reception (if you want to)? That way you are still involved but MIL/Bridezilla still happy!

They are being awful though. I would just rise above it if you can. Seems like their issues rather than yours and DH sounds very supportive which is great.

wriggletto Wed 16-Jan-13 12:01:33

Unless they have form for being unreasonable and this is only one in a series of things you've been irritated by, I would just put it down to wedding irrationality/interfering MOB/lack of understanding about BF babies and not let it blow up into something bigger, for the sake of one day. Stay at home with the baby, while your DH does his best man duties, then if he wants to leave early, he can.

diddl Wed 16-Jan-13 12:11:51

If they don´t want children/babies there, then that´s up to them imo.

However, they should have said straightaway, so that OPs husband could decide on that basis whether or not to be best man.

If he was just going for a few hrs/best part of a day I would say OK, go.

But 2 days & one night?

He might not want to be away from his family for so long.

He might prefer to spend the w/end with his wife, toddler & newborn!

YouOldSlag Wed 16-Jan-13 12:25:15

YANBU. You're already compromising by making arrangements for your older son. They are within their rights to have a child free wedding but a church wedding is a public event, and you can take whoever you want.

Secondly, they are not even trying to accommodate you.

I second the poster who said they may not know about the MIL phone call, so do mention it.

Your DH sounds great OP, but the B and G are asking him to spend the weekend away from his DS1, wife, and newborn, just because madame Bridezilla wants all eyes on her, which they will be anyway.

Brides and grooms forget that they may require or desire the goodwill and friendship of their guests AFTER their wedding. Instead, they bulldoze over everyone's needs like lunatics. It may be their day, but a little compromise can go a long way in future friendships.

cathpip Wed 16-Jan-13 12:28:40

I had a child free wedding, but my sister did attend with her 4 week old baby who was also 6 weeks prem. We both worked it so that the baby sitter had the baby elsewhere in the hotel (like room or in grounds for fresh air) and my sister could nip out and feed when needed and baby made appearances like when we were having photos done. This did not distract guests from us, even though it was a first grandchild for my parents and none of the extended family, such as great granny had met her and it worked perfectly. Your friend is being very unreasonable esp seeing as you have come up with very good solutions and she knew how old baby would be anyway.

Ashoething Wed 16-Jan-13 12:30:41

YABU to not just tell dh to go on his own. Or are you one of "those" couples who refuse to socialise without each other<shudders>

Personally I cannot imagine anything worse than dcs at weddings. My friend is getting married this year and is insisting I bring my dcs. I intend to let them stay for a couple of hours until they are tired and then send them home with dh. Luckily another friend has the same plan and we have booked a room so can enjoy our night.Cant wait!

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 12:38:50

*YABU to not just tell dh to go on his own. Or are you one of "those" couples who refuse to socialise without each other<shudders>
Personally I cannot imagine anything worse than dcs at weddings. My friend is getting married this year and is insisting I bring my dcs. I intend to let them stay for a couple of hours until they are tired and then send them home with dh. Luckily another friend has the same plan and we have booked a room so can enjoy our night.Cant wait!*

Thank heavens for that, someone sane on this thread at last! Just read through the whole 5 pages and am a bit confused at the amount of 'lovely' ahem people on this thread who are condoning leaving the friend in the lurch for a best man a couple of weeks before the wedding just because their precious baby isn't invited.
It's ONE day. ONE ceremony. Not a week of having to leave your little bundle at home.
Not everyone wants children at weddings, and that is entirely up to them. (I have two children by the way, and no, I'm not one who insists they must go everywhere with me, all the time, or I'll take the huff.)
So what if they're breastfed? Express for one day. It won't kill them to be away for a few hours.

atacareercrossroads Wed 16-Jan-13 12:39:16

YANBU not to go, just wave your DH off with a smile and get on with your day

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 12:40:21

Sorry, forgot to add if you don't want to go then fair enough, that's up to you - but there's no reason why your dh can't go.

ENormaSnob Wed 16-Jan-13 12:49:08

Some thick people on this thread hmm

atacareercrossroads Wed 16-Jan-13 12:54:13

is the wedding local? Could somenoe get DS to you if he needs a feed, or you nip off nearly?

your DS would be absolutely fine without you for the day btw if you did want to go, but if you are looking for the perfect excuse to get out of it (not meant funny btw, I usually look for reasons not to go anywhere grin) then shove your DH out the house, and get on the sofa with a box set of your fave TV series and just enjoy chilling with your DS.

Tbh I dont think it would be very best-manly of your DH to drop his mate in it at this stage for a bit of a crap reason, and I know if it were my DP being dropped by his best man then he would in turn be dropped as a supposed mate.

Lexiesinclair Wed 16-Jan-13 13:04:21

So what if they're breastfed? Express for one day. It won't kill them to be away for a few hours.

Lexiesinclair Wed 16-Jan-13 13:04:43

^^

Seriously???

Lexiesinclair Wed 16-Jan-13 13:07:53

ENorma - as pigshit.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 13:10:36

So, people with different opinions are as thick as pigshit. Mumsnet at it's best - if you don't agree, just come back with insults. hmm

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 13:11:44

If you seriosuly don't want to be away, then fair enough, that's up to you. Why can't your dh go, though? Or as someone else pointed out, do you always have to be together all the time?

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 13:14:31

It's not as easy as ''just express'' for some people, and why would you want to add the complication of having to get baby used to a bottle for just one day?

Toddlers I can understand people not wanting at a wedding, to a degree, though personally I think children make a wedding. There is no logical objection to a newborn though. They tend to sleep or be on the boob.

choceyes Wed 16-Jan-13 13:20:36

So what if they're breastfed? Express for one day. It won't kill them to be away for a few hours.

It's not for a few hours though is it? It's an overnighter. My DD never accepted a bottle, not all babies do. Expressing is such a faff anyway. Besides a small baby wants to be with their mother.
OP - you sound like you have made all suitable provisions to make sure that your baby won't distrupt the wedding so YANBU to not go.
In your shoes, I'd just send your DH on his own.
Can't believe the MIL called shock

diddl Wed 16-Jan-13 13:21:19

Well for me the whole point of bfeeding was that I could do it easily & on demand.

And not to be titting about with bottles.

Lexiesinclair Wed 16-Jan-13 13:23:16

Perhaps the OP could take her breast pump to church instead. Maybe that would be more acceptable than a baby, definitely less likely to upstage the bride.

JustFabulous Wed 16-Jan-13 13:23:44

YANBU at all.

The bride's mother ringing is ridiculous.

I would say no more and just not go and your DH will have to decide if he wants to stay friends with these people or not. If he does, then be best man. If not, don't.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 13:25:30

It's not for a few hours though is it? It's an overnighter.

Sorry, I must have missed the bit where it said it was an overnighter. Fair enough, you can't go then if you're breastfeeding. I still don't know why the entire family says they're not going (ie, dh as well who's the best man) can't go.
Pretty mean that he'd leave him in the lurch for a best man a couple of weeks away from his wedding just to prove a point.
Some people don't want children at their wedding, and that's entirely up to them.

choceyes Wed 16-Jan-13 13:26:16

The breastpump is likely to make more sound that a newborn grin ( i have had non crying babies though and the double electric pump I used for DS as he was a boob refuser made a racket)

NamingOfParts Wed 16-Jan-13 13:26:44

While in a practical sense I can see that OP's DH can go but I do think that is missing the point that the OP and her family were invited together. Now the B&G are regretting this and are trying to put hurdles in the way.

Being best man is not really a big job and in this day and age not remotely essential. It is a way of acknowledging a friendship. As things stand it looks like the big day is more important than the friendship.

From the OP's description the groom is embarassed by the whole thing but that is his lookout. I dont think that the friendship will be shattered by the OP & her DH not going. I would guess that this friendship has been less important for the OP's DH for a while.

choceyes Wed 16-Jan-13 13:27:07

I wouldn't let DH pull out of being a bestman though. That's not nice.

curryeater Wed 16-Jan-13 13:28:19

Do you know that the wedding couple knew the bride's mother was going to call you? They might be furious about it. If the bride's mother did invitations as traditional, she will have access to your contact details and might have just taken the matter into her own hands. I think you need to be very direct with the groom, in person, and say "we can't come without the baby, I'm sure you realise that but please say now what you want us to do"

(If you would be happy for dh to go without you then fine, but if you don't want him to bugger off for a weekend while you have a tiny baby that's reasonable too)

lunar1 Wed 16-Jan-13 13:32:17

My dh would pull out in this case. He works long hours and often has to go away for work. We hardly see him as it is, he wouldn't go away overnight just because someone wanted to behave like a 6 year old for their wedding.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Wed 16-Jan-13 13:32:19

The op hasn't confirmed what the invite said. Perhaps op assumed baby was invited. Perhaps when they mentioned te baby coming at the dinner it put the couple on the spot and on further reflection they felt they didn't eat the baby there.

Whilst we may know that newborns (when does a baby stop being a newborn?) can be quietened easily , people without kids often don't. I know all my child less friends lump all kids into the same bracket!

I think this sounds like a huge misunderstanding that has been handled badly. However, I'd the dh is truly this mans best friend I think you need to be the bigger person and leave your dh to go on his own.

Blu Wed 16-Jan-13 13:32:30

All sympathy and agreement for the logistics of bf.

My guess is the groom discussed it with your DH, didn't pass on all the info to his bride re the implications of bringing baby to church, then when they came over, she got to think about it, and it is she who has objected.

In any event, why start speculating that being an only child has anything to do with it? Why is being an only child so often invoked as being the source of some unpleasant intervention? Maybe it's because she's a bossy eldest child or a spoilt baby of the family or an only dd amongst brothers, or maybe NONE of these factors are relevant at all - and if they were how would you know?

Blu Wed 16-Jan-13 13:33:59

Also - even though I have lost all interest in your situation - bear in mind that no-one can actually prevent you attending a church service in a CoE church - all services, including weddings, are freely open to the cngregation, whatever bridezillas might think.

TheCraicDealer Wed 16-Jan-13 13:36:02

They were never invited together as a family, though. OP and her DH assumed that the couple would ignore the "rule" for a babe in arms, the Bride and Groom assumed that they'd be getting a babysitter. Neither side was exactly transparent. As a non-parent myself I would have needed it pointed out to me why a breastfeeding mother might prefer to bring a v young baby, due to leakage. Pre-Mumsnet, I mean :D You can sort of see why they'd be taken aback at this suddenly being brought up at dinner and not feeling able to say, "actually, we'd prefer baby didn't come".

Allowing your mum to get involved is way out of line though. I would totally mention the MIL ringing, just to see what they say. Muhaha!

BiddyPop Wed 16-Jan-13 13:38:06

We had a "no kids" rule at our wedding (pressure on numbers and very few kids anyway in wider family). But the only person who had a baby was coming from overseas (her direct family are in UK, wedding in Ireland but she was coming from Hong Kong) - we, of COURSE, said baby was welcome to come. She was quiet in her car seat when asleep (most of the time TBH) and a delight when awake, definitely didn't distract from me as Bride!

(We did also have an unexpected 12 year old as well, as the parents just assumed she'd been included on their invite but her name omitted (um, no actually), as "everyone knows we never do anything without darling X" - a chair was found for her in a scramble and added to the corner of a table. She isn't even that close a relative.)

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 13:38:36

lunar1 he wouldn't go away overnight just because someone wanted to behave like a 6 year old for their wedding.

Why on earth is someone not wanting kids at the wedding behaving like a 6 year old?! confused
It's THEIR day. It seems to me the ones who are acting more like 6 year olds are the ones throwing their toys out of the pram because they 'come as a family unit' and refuse to go anywhere without the whole lot in tow.
(Not aimed at the OP, as she can't go 'cos of overnight bf, and that's fair enough.) Those saying 'nobody can go if I can't go' is frankly ridiculous, and likely to break up a friendship by pulling out of being a best man at the last minute just to prove a point.

Bue Wed 16-Jan-13 13:40:28

Childless people are not as stupid as Mumsnetters tend to believe. I am childless and got married last summer and bent over backwards to have a baby- and child-friendly wedding. So did most of my friends.

I agree the couple are being twattish, and the MIL especially so, but to pull out of being best man is really a dreadful thing to do. There is no reason the DH couldn't go on his own.

And do we even know how old the baby is or how far away the wedding is? All pertinent information that is missing...

ubik Wed 16-Jan-13 13:45:55

Oh God

'it's their day'

obviously licence to behave like twats then

I have no idea why anyone would object to babies/children attending a wedding to which their parents are invited. I think your husband should still be best man, go through the motions and leave early.

diddl Wed 16-Jan-13 13:46:44

I don´t think it would be awful of him to not be BM anymore.

Surely he accepted on the grounds that OP & baby were also going?

That isn´t the case now, so why shouldn´t he say no thanks?

The problem is that they were OK about baby & now aren´t-that´s so bloody unreasonable that if it leaves them without a best man-fucking tough.

ubik Wed 16-Jan-13 13:47:55

Can anyone explain why a baby wouldn't be wanted at a wedding? I cannot think of a single reason confused

NewAndSparklyMe
It's ONE day. ONE ceremony. Not a week of having to leave your little bundle at home.

It's 2 days so far as I can see, because of distance, and don't forget to add in the older child with SN as well as the newborn. Not quite so straightforward, then.

So what if they're breastfed? Express for one day. It won't kill them to be away for a few hours.

At just a few weeks old, I couldn't have expressed enough to fill a teaspoon. Fed the baby fine, could never get the pumps to work properly.

OP YANBU, but perhaps your DH could go alone, if feasible. And I'd ensure he called his mate and explained about the call. Maybe he should also remind said mate that ceremonies in public places (ie churches) are just that, public.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 13:51:23

Oh God

'it's their day'

obviously licence to behave like twats then

Why? Why is it SO hard to understand that some people just don't want children at their wedding?! Why is it behaving like a twat because your children aren't invited?
I love my kids dearly, and love going to both types of weddings - those with kids and those without. If they didn't get invited though, I wouldn't be outraged and refuse to go.
I'd take the opportunity of a day/night out and make the most of it getting pissed on all the wine grin

ubik Wed 16-Jan-13 13:52:54

I agree - but it's a babe in arms not a sulky ten year old.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Wed 16-Jan-13 13:53:50

I agree, Ubik. This crap about it being "their day" is a load of bollocks. It is a day supposedly for everyone invited to celebrate the couple's wedding.

I would not be able to remain friends with such twits.

choceyes Wed 16-Jan-13 13:53:55

BUt maybe they just assumed that the baby would be looked after by the same people looking after the DS? Maybe they genuinely didn't think a lot about it, just assumed and when OP and her DH said about the baby going to the wedding, they thought...hang on a minute....??? Easily done I think if you don't have children and don't know what it's like.
Although if it were me, I'd have definitely accomodated the baby of my DH's bestman, it's the nice thing to do. but then I hated being the centre of attention at my wedding, so I wouldn't have worried about a baby getting in the way of things anyway!

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 13:54:22

*Surely he accepted on the grounds that OP & baby were also going?

That isn´t the case now, so why shouldn´t he say no thanks?

The problem is that they were OK about baby & now aren´t-that´s so bloody unreasonable that if it leaves them without a best man-fucking tough.*

No, sounds like the OP and her dh just assumed that children were allowed, and the friends just assumed that baby would be left at home - a bit of communication with both parties was needed here, by the sounds of it as they just all assumed!
Sounds like the friends should have spelled it out on the invite properly.

ubik Wed 16-Jan-13 13:55:00

and my BF babies never took a bottle. never.

Unless the invite had explicitely said no children, then perhaps the mate was being foolish to assume that with DS1 being looked after, then DS2 would be left with someone too. He could have checked earlier.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 13:58:25

It is a day supposedly for everyone invited to celebrate the couple's wedding.

No, that's your interpretation of a wedding. Not a blanket one to suit all. Are all those people who just want to get married by themselves with two witnesses and nobody else doing it all wrong, then?
Or should they have to invite everyone as wedding's are an open to everyone event and stuff what they want?

EverybodysSnowyEyed Wed 16-Jan-13 13:58:31

They are one guest out of many - I don't think the bride and groom should be blamed for assuming the baby wasn't coming.

If the invite just had the adults names then the kids aren't invited. Weddings that I have been to that had children specified the kids names.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 14:00:59

Unless the invite had explicitely said no children, then perhaps the mate was being foolish to assume that with DS1 being looked after, then DS2 would be left with someone too. He could have checked earlier.

If he doesn't have kids, and knew the existing child was being looked after and had a babysitter arranged, it's not unreasonable to think that the new baby would be looked after as well.
He would have quite rightly thought that a babysitter had been arranged (as it had!) and then when the subject was brought up at dinner or wherever about baby going he'll have thought confused "hang on a minute..."

PartTimeModel Wed 16-Jan-13 14:01:06

YANBU & they are being dorks.

ubik Wed 16-Jan-13 14:02:27

I just don't understand the mentality of not allowing a baby at a wedding. Children - well ok, they can be noisy and smelly and ungrateful (lots of fun though) - but a tiny baby?

Why not?

TheCraicDealer Wed 16-Jan-13 14:02:32

Everyone is overstating the "public" element of weddings though. Very few people would go to a ceremony uninvited, unless they had a love child or there was a wife in the attic no-one knows about.

Ha! Round our way there's a lot of old folk who love sitting in on a wedding. I know a couple of people personally who've had the uninvited guests at church, and have heard about it happening to quite a few others....grin

On a more sober note, I've been given to understand that in some cases, these are people who find somewhere public and especially warm to sit cos they are struggling to heat homes.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 14:09:48

Children - well ok, they can be noisy and smelly and ungrateful (lots of fun though) - but a tiny baby?

Why not?

Because if they invite the baby, and say no to all other children, you'll get all other mothers up in arms and outraged as they've had to leave their children at home?
That they'll see it as "Well, THEY'RE allowed their baby, why can't I bring my kids?" and cause a fuss?
Lot easier to say no children than "no children with the exception of some children" as that will cause even more people to get upset (as this thread clearly shows, some people do get unreasonable if the children don't get invited everywhere!)
Far easier to just say "no children"

If he doesn't have kids, and knew the existing child was being looked after and had a babysitter arranged, it's not unreasonable to think that the new baby would be looked after as well. He would have quite rightly thought that a babysitter had been arranged (as it had!) and then when the subject was brought up at dinner or wherever about baby going he'll have thought "hang on a minute..."

This was my assumption.

And all the dancing about with "oh well but wouldn't you rather" is all code for "WE DON'T WANT YOUR BABY THERE". And it would be the height of rudeness to go uninvited, whatever the law allows.

TheCraicDealer Wed 16-Jan-13 14:11:37

Yes, but they're unlikely to be breastfeeding, cry, or "thunder steal" so presumably MIL-in-question would let them stay.

Andro Wed 16-Jan-13 14:16:46

OP, YANBU - but with your DH as best man I would encourage him to go.

WRT child free weddings, DH and I had a no under 10's policy...at his insistence. His Dsis's wedding turned into a disaster zone because of a few parents who apparently took some time off from 'parenting', their children were uncontrolled (to say the least) and the bride spent most of the day in tears (not the happy kind). DH made it very clear when we were planning our wedding that he didn't want young children there, many of the irresponsible parents who attended his Dsis's wedding were also being invited to attend ours!

The only reason I wanted a child-free ceremony was that I wanted DH and I to be able to say our vows to each other without being distracted or drowned out by crying babies.

It wasn't about needing all the attention or 'it's my day' or anything like that, it was just being sentimental about the importance of those vows and how much they meant to me.

It ended up not being an issue as we had a registry wedding and none of the guests had kids. And yes, the moment we said our vows is one of the best memories of my life.

It's all well and good to say 'I'll take the baby out if she cries' but that misses the point, there has already been crying and maybe not at the best time.

I find it strange that so many people accept that it's not the best idea to take a baby to a posh restaurant or a play, but it's okay to demand to bring your baby to a formal wedding ceremony.

I agree the couple here have not handled things very well, but I think for all of you to pull out of going is really overreacting.

Hobbitation Wed 16-Jan-13 14:21:25

I think DH should go on his own if the distance doesn't involve leaving you for days with a new baby. That's what we would have done first off TBH, I wouldn't have even have thought of going with a very new baby if it was DH's friend and I didn't know them personally.

SunnyL Wed 16-Jan-13 14:24:08

I've been invited to a friends wedding in July which is 'no children' but my baby will be 3-5 weeks old by then. I don't mind the no children rule since they are trying to keep costs down and if everyone brought their children along it would cost them for 34 dinners. However trying to explain to them that my baby cannot be left at home but also won't cost them anything is taking a bit of explaining. My friend is not trying to be rude or cruel - he just doesn't have kids yet so doesn't understand the mechanics of small babies and boobs.

If it comes down to it I'll send my husband and stay at home. It will make me sad since we've been friends since we were 3 months old but I accept its his choice.

TheCraicDealer Wed 16-Jan-13 14:24:49

"I find it strange that so many people accept that it's not the best idea to take a baby to a posh restaurant or a play, but it's okay to demand to bring your baby to a formal wedding ceremony."

^This!

FeltOverlooked Wed 16-Jan-13 14:24:49

I tried to listen to the "just express" brigade and go to a very special event when my DD was about six weeks old.

It was pretty awful for my DH (who was doing care) as the poor thing cried, and cried, and wouldn't take the bottle - even though we had succeeded with it before.

It was agony for me as I became hopelessly engorged and had to keep leaving the event and hand expressing in the toilet. I also leaked milk horrendously into the front of my dress - luckily I also had a pashmina!

There is no way I would do it for any longer than six hours, and it would have to be at an event I really, really, really wanted to attend.

That said, I would be extremely reluctant to get between DH and a friend who had chosen him as Best Man. We would probably choose for him to go alone.

Hobbitation Wed 16-Jan-13 14:26:33

I loved saying my vows with a few squeals and squeaks from friends' babies and toddlers in the background. I knew that everyone we invited would be responsible enough to take them out if they got more noisy than that. To me it is all a sort of fertility rite anyway so it would be weird not to have kids there. But each to their own.

At a friends' wedding DD1 was 3 months old, was very good indeed but shouted "Yaaaaaaarrrr" after the priest said "Does anyone have any objections to this couple being joined in matrimony?"

ByTheWay1 Wed 16-Jan-13 14:27:05

We had babies/kids/whoever at our wedding - and at the key "Does anyone know of any reason why these 2 should not be married" the baby made a yelp...... broke the ice - everyone laughed etc..... the registrar asked again and there was thunder and a lightning flash!! - we did start to wonder... but that was 20 happy years ago.....

I would just tell hubby to go, I would not make a big fuss and risk spoiling someone's day when it is easily solved.

Hobbitation Wed 16-Jan-13 14:30:32

I went to a good friend's no children wedding when DD2 was 8 weeks old. It was all in one place and we stayed there and brought my mum, so I could pop upstairs to feed and she could go to bed at the normal time. Worked out fine. My friend was very apologetic about it and kept phoning me before the day to check it was ok, really wasn't a problem. Don't think I could have gone if it wasn't all in the place we were staying though. And I did miss the hen do sad

FairPhyllis Wed 16-Jan-13 14:30:50

FFS. I don't have DC and even I know you cannot leave a BF newborn overnight. Not to mention the pain OP would be in from engorgement. How do people not know this?

I think you should get your DH to speak to the groom and see if he knew the MIL was calling you. If he expresses anything less than horror and embarrassment at her having called you, none of you should go.

The way I see it, a BF baby is basically part of you until it is no longer totally dependent on you for feeding. So by excluding the baby they are basically saying that you are not welcome. And then it is up to your DH to decide if he wants to go to a wedding where you are not welcome.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 14:36:15

So by excluding the baby they are basically saying that you are not welcome.

No, they're not, that's just the way you choose to see it. Both are welcome, just not children.
Babies do count as children. If you can't or won't leave your baby overnight, then that's up to you.
Doesn't mean everyone has to invite children everywhere just because you won't leave them.
DH not going is just being petty when he has a big part in the ceremony and there's no reason he can't go, unless it's actually him who's doing the breastfeeding.

FeistyLass Wed 16-Jan-13 14:36:41

I missed quite a few weddings when I was bf. If they've decided not to have children at the wedding and you can't leave your child then you can't go to the wedding. It's not that complicated.

I think the MIL probably made the call without the B and G knowing because it has turned into a topic of conversation during the wedding planning. As someone else said, if there is a no children rule then people will be unhappy that your child is there as an exception.

I think the OP just has to accept that there's been a breakdown in communication. The baby was never invited hence, if she's breastfeeding, then she's not really invited. Smooth it over, and let dh go happily to fulfil his best man duties.

FairPhyllis Wed 16-Jan-13 14:42:17

Also if it's a church wedding, as a Christian, this would really fuck me off. If you choose to marry in church it's because you want your marriage to be blessed by God and witnessed by the family of the church - which includes children.

HollyMadison Wed 16-Jan-13 14:47:50

Before I had children I didn't really get that a baby couldn't just be left with a babysitter. If baby is not invited then he or she is not invited so you either don't go to wedding or baby is left with someone (DM in hotel room with bottle of expressed milk whilst you nip to ceremony and then come back?).

I'd have been horrified by phonecall from bride's mum so I can see why you feel upset about that but it would probably be a bit OTT for DH to pull out. Your invitation wasn't withdrawn but they are making clear that they are not comfortable with baby being there. Good luck with what you decide to do!

LemonBreeland Wed 16-Jan-13 14:49:40

I think FairPhyllis has a good plan. It is up to your DH if he wants to go but as they have done this so last minute to you I can see why he wouldn't want to.

I just think it's a bit selfish to expect people planning their wedding, a once in a lifetime event (hopefully!) to have to take your personal preferences into account.

It's not automatic that anyone with a small baby would have this issue. Some people don't BF, some people can express and leave baby with a sitter, and then yes, some people cannot leave their baby. None of these decisions has anything to do with the couple getting married. All they are saying is 'sorry, no babies', it is not anything personal to you. There may be other people with babies who have no problem with this.

I cannot even count how many things I missed because I could not bring a baby. I think it's just par for the course sometimes. Is it really worth ruining a friendship over it?

Floweryhat Wed 16-Jan-13 16:29:57

Dreaming -it is very personal to you if you have a newborn.

If someone treated me and my newborn this way then dh would be upset, even if he still went along. It would affect the friendship.

It's a fucked up society that expects breastfeeding mothers to leave their newborns for a whole day at a time.

atacareercrossroads Wed 16-Jan-13 16:31:16

Tbh I think this all hinges on how old the baby is, and how far away the wedding is.

dontmixthecolours Wed 16-Jan-13 16:34:21

YANBU

Friends of ours got married when DD2 was 6 weeks old. Our DD1 was 2 and not invited and we had no issue with that at all. I didn't bf and I still would not have left such a tiny baby with a babysitter, even my mum who had dd1.

Tiny babies are no problem. They don't cost anything or take up any space!

Flowery -- I honestly think people will respond differently, sorry.

I had a newborn. I honestly did not get offended when I couldn't go to things because people didn't want children there. It's not ideal, but it's not the end of the world. I don't think my attendance at an event trumps the preferences of the people holding the event.

I come from a country where women generally only take 4-6 weeks off after birth so it's very common for breastfeeding mothers to have to leave their babies all day. Maybe it's fucked up, but it's reality for millions of women. Some BF mothers can indeed leave their babies for a time. I would not expect anyone else to have to understand and respect all the ins and outs of however I choose to feed my baby, it's really not their problem.

Pancakeflipper Wed 16-Jan-13 16:39:06

I would not go but I would want DH to carry out the BMan duties ( the leave early into the night do). Cos its so near to the event and he'll have been appointed by the Groom and not the interfering MIL and bridezilla.

Groom is being pathetic in not speaking out cos ' I bet the Groom would be happy for you to be there and in fact would be happy for the local nusery and zoo animals to attend. But he's been taken over by weddingzillas and I reckon would be gutted to not have your DH there.

Sorry just to clarify -- I think society in general should be supportive of breastfeeding, obviously. But I don't think people holding a once in a lifetime, extremely personal event are unreasonable if they don't take the intricacies of breastfeeding into account.

2cats2many Wed 16-Jan-13 16:52:01

YANBU to stay away, but your DH is.

This doesn't have to be taken as a massive insult does it? Is he really going to break up a close friendship over. what is essentially, a misunderstanding?

specialknickers Wed 16-Jan-13 17:01:49

Not sure if anyone suggested this already, but could you go to the ceremony anyway, just not as a guest? Wearing casual / jeans etc and sneaking in at the back lets it be known that you're not really invited. Then you could be there for your dh and see him doing some of his thing... You could go back to the hotel whilst he did his speeches and he could join you when he's had enough of the reception?

This is the meanest option of all IMHO because you come out of it claiming the moral high ground whilst simultaneously shaming the hosts. Believe me, if they stay married long enough to have children of their own they will be mortified.

I loved having babies and kids at my wedding, but hey,to each his own.

Hulababy Wed 16-Jan-13 17:11:45

I think it is all coming down to the same problem as ever - weddings now have to be these huge, flash, mega money affairs. The whole thing is so OTT most of the time these days that the idea of it being a day where family and friends come together and celebrate the union of two families is just lost. Now it is just all about the "it's my big day" stuff. Generally brings out the worst in everyone involved.

YouOldSlag Wed 16-Jan-13 17:31:28

Hulababy- my feelings exactly.

It's not necessarily a money thing. I had a very cheap wedding (registry and pub drinks) and was happy for it to be child-free, although as no one we knew had children it was not an actual issue.

We didn't have children, weren't sure we even could or would want to, and none of our social circle had kids yet.

I don't think either side is right or wrong, I just think child-free is a legitimate preference and not something to take personally.

jardy Wed 16-Jan-13 17:48:03

You are being very reasonable but Weddings are very stressful and this couple may have been to one where a baby was crying etc in the background.I would be kind and say you understand and not go or get someone to look after your baby but encourage your DH to be BM.I got wound up about small children being at my Wedding and I asked them to keep them away (because a friend said her Wedding was ruined by a small child in the background).I really regret it now and feel I was very mean.However I am still Best of Friends with the parents,which makes me feel more awful.If I could turn the clock back I would invite small children and babies.

jardy Wed 16-Jan-13 17:51:50

NamingOfParts I could have written your post,but you put it better than me!

CloudsAndTrees Wed 16-Jan-13 17:52:47

Of course it's fine to have a child free wedding, but don't ask someone to be best man, listen to their explanation of why their wife can't leave your very small baby, pretend to understand, then insist that they can't bring the baby.

Let alone allow your future mil to phone said best man.

Surely the B and G will know that the mil was going to make the phonecall? Where else would she have got the phone number?

LadyHarrietdeSpook Wed 16-Jan-13 17:54:27

Sigh. They are making a huge deal about nothing, the baby being there - which I agree with the others if they have children at some point they will look back on and be embarrassed about.

It's a communication issue - IF they thought about it, I reckon they assumed the babysitter would look after both children. You also assumed they were switched on enough about babies to know how hard it could be to leave one behind and that the baby was allowed. It's obvious to anyone with children how hard you have tried to think about how to manage the situation w/o disrupting them, but they may not see it that way. They are likely to be more in tune with arguments that it's totally uncontroversial to have a 'childfree wedding' for their 'big day.'

On the basis that you are at different life stages...assumptions were made on both sides but there is a longstanding friendship and it's their wedding... I would be inclined to humour them and find a sitter if you can at all or just send DH. Probably just send DH.

It's a big move to have had the MIL ring (which they did.) They sound like they're panicking. Is there any question the MIL's ridiculous arguments were maybe more out of not knowing what else to say when your DH seemed so determined?

If it were my friend, you'd be at the wedding with your baby. But I would be curious to hear their side of the story.

expatinscotland Wed 16-Jan-13 17:57:39

YANBU. If I were your DH I'd withdraw my position and not go.

nennypops Wed 16-Jan-13 18:07:21

LadyHarriet, we can't get a sitter for the baby because it would mean being away from home for a couple of days, he won't take bottles and anyway for me the thought of sitting there with rock hard leaky boobs is hardly inviting. If they'd said from the start that it was a child-free wedding then DH could have made the choice whether to agree to be best man. What he objects to is that they never once mentioned this when talking to us about it, they invited both of us knowing we'd have a small baby and they knew perfectly well that we were planning to take him with us because we talked about how to deal with him. So by bringing this up a few weeks before the wedding they're basically withdrawing my invitation which seems incredibly rude. Even if dh does go along on his own to keep the peace, he's not going to be the most sincere best man anyway, and the friendship will probably be put under even greater strain.

Pancakeflipper Wed 16-Jan-13 18:13:59

What does DH want to do?

Has he spoken to the Groom. Not the zillas but his friend.

JustFabulous Wed 16-Jan-13 18:15:26

Well if he isn't going to be a "most sincere best man" maybe it is best he does withdraw. He might be annoyed with the bride and groom but a half hearted speech is going to be awkward for everyone.

YouOldSlag Wed 16-Jan-13 18:16:03

TBH if you sat in the back row with a baby on your boob, I doubt even the bride would notice as everyone would indeed be looking at her and unless you were completely topless, I doubt anyone would even notice you were BFing.

They are potentially damaging a friendship over something that probably won't even be noticeable on their day.

What does the groom say about his future mil retracting the invite for the wife of his best man?

Whatever you do, this friendship is doomed. Neither of you are ever likely to move past this, and if you are, I salute you!

OhIWishThereWasABook Wed 16-Jan-13 18:18:56

* Then she started saying how it would be her daughter's day, she shouldn't have the attention taken off her, etc etc. *
What does she think the baby is going to do, stand on table and tap dance?
How very UR. Send a pressie and say sorry cant make it with tiny baby.

I never understand 'child free weddings' always makes me think people are a bit uptight.

YouOldSlag Wed 16-Jan-13 18:21:18

The bride sounds like a real piece of work if she's whining to her Mum that a tiny baby will upstage on her Big Day and must be kept away.

DontmindifIdo Wed 16-Jan-13 18:30:23

See, i think YANBU, however, I have been to more htan one wedding where someone hasn't taken their crying/misbehaving DC out of weddings. I sat in one where DH had taken crying DS outside and was shocked that another couple just expected everyone to listen to their DC scream the place down, meaning most of us couldn't hear the vows. If the bride & groom have recently been to a wedding with someone like that at it, then I can easily see why they would not want a baby at the wedding and would say the ANBU to not want that, they do'nt konw what sort of parent you are.

Another option if you feel you can't drop out completely, childminder in the hotel bedroom, you don't go to the ceremony, then the childminder sits upstairs with your DC/takes them to play in the hotel gardens (quite frankly, unless the B&G have exclusive use of the hotel, they really can't complain at another guest being in the garden!), you go up to feed regularly.

what this couple have done wrong is not say from day one it would be no DCs, not even 'babes in arms' - my BIL& SIL did the same thing, leave it until the last mnute to think about if they wanted DCs there ad then uninvite them...

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 18:32:46

I never understand 'child free weddings' always makes me think people are a bit uptight.

Nothing to do with being uptight, some people just don't want children at their wedding, which is up to them.
I can never understand people, who, when they have children, refuse to do anything without them and will never leave them for a few hours. (Not talking about tiny bf babies here by the way, just having children in general.)
Those who get all offended at being told, no, children aren't invited - even if said child is 8 years old or whatever, and flat out refuse to go. confused
Nothing to do with them, and completely up to the person whose wedding it is.

expatinscotland Wed 16-Jan-13 18:33:51

'Another option if you feel you can't drop out completely, childminder in the hotel bedroom, you don't go to the ceremony, then the childminder sits upstairs with your DC/takes them to play in the hotel gardens (quite frankly, unless the B&G have exclusive use of the hotel, they really can't complain at another guest being in the garden!), you go up to feed regularly.'

Why? So much faff for some bridezilla. And best of luck finding a childminder to do this, not to mention, hotel gardens? What if there aren't any or it's raining?

Just drop out and consider this friendship part of the past.

MerylStrop Wed 16-Jan-13 18:33:55

They (and I still suspect the MIL) are being rubbish about it.

But taking it as withdrawing your invitation is Very High Maintenance and Huffy. It isn't personal but about somebody's fictitious idea of the perfect wedding.

If your DH isn't best man I imagine it will be the end of the friendship, and you will be blamed.

If it were me I'd see if DH can reason with them, and if not, he can go alone, for the bare minimum of dispensing his duties.

MerylStrop Wed 16-Jan-13 18:38:28

I bet it has come about because someone else has asked if they can bring their baby, maybe more than one person. And all of a sudden there will be as many babies as guests, so they feel that you can't bring your LO or the bride's cousin will take the huff etc.

Child free weddings are terrible and end up all pompous and po-faced. It is not the same without a five year old skidding across the dancefloor on his knees, and most grown ups are less well behaved than most children after a drink. So I wouldn't be much fancying their wedding anyway.

Am usually a lurker but thought I'd post as had exact same thing. I ended up going to the wedding and my parents came too and had the baby in the hotel room. When she needed feeding they txt me and I would go back and feed. Not hard really and I didn't mind the request as it was their wedding and up to them how they conducted it. We are still friends and I really enjoyed myself. grin
HTH

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 18:40:34

Child free weddings are terrible and end up all pompous and po-faced

Pompous and po faced?! You obviously have stuffy friends then as I've been to a few child free weddings and they've been anything but stuffy - more like adults letting their hair down as they've got a night off! grin

DontmindifIdo Wed 16-Jan-13 18:44:48

expat - I've done this for 3 different weddings when DS was under 2 ! Most hotels will find you someone they regularly use, or if you are near the hotel, arrange someone to go to babysit in the same way you would if it was at your house, or just use a company like sitters. (the gardens was only if it's nice and they don't want to stay in the hotel room!)

Often it was more my choice TBH - we had a spate of weddings that started at 4:30pm with then drinks and then dinner, even when DS was invited, it just wasn't going ot work with his tea time/bath and bed time. I was going to have to get someone else to sit in the room from 7:30pm ish as he was never the sort of baby who's sleep in his buggy in the corner of the room from about 5 months onwards (more, scream the place down unless he was in a quiet room with nothing interesting to look at), so it was only an extra couple of hours to pay for.

Samnella Wed 16-Jan-13 18:45:58

The majority of the weddings I go to now are child-free and I think it's such a shame. I have great memories of going to weddings as child and my two haven't been to any.

You can't go that much is clear (unless you are prepared to express etc) so your DH needs to decide if he goes without you and stays for the minimum amount of time or for the whole event or whether he doesn't go at all. If he decides not to go it would probably be best all round that he just politely declines rather than fall out. I imagine they will look back in the years to come and realise what a prize pair they are being. They have probably said no children to family and worry it will cause problems to not do a blanket ban however most people are reasonable enough to realise a babe in arms is different to a rampant toddler.

MerylStrop Wed 16-Jan-13 18:49:33

Far from it, the child freeweddings are the ones in hotels where I'm a plus one for one of DH's ex colleagues....hate being a plus one....thankfully now consigned to history....everyone we know has got kids by now.

DontmindifIdo Wed 16-Jan-13 18:49:36

Merylstrop - the closest I had to a child at my wedding was a 15 year old cousin. Not because I banned them, just because the only friends we had who'd had DCs at the time we got married weren't able to make it anyway, and the 15 year old was the youngest 'family child'. If we invited the same group of people now 5 years on they'd be over 20 DCs to invite, not counting mine...

however, we did invite a whole rugby team, so there was skidding across the dancefloor on knees anyway... grin

fluffyraggies Wed 16-Jan-13 18:50:28

[by] bringing this up a few weeks before the wedding they're basically withdrawing my invitation

OP you are hinting that their failure to mention their 'child free' wishes at the outset was not an oversight, or lack of thought? It seems you are dietermined to take this personally.

Before anyone jumps on to say babies ARE personal, i mean to say that i think that they more than likely didn't think this through, and are now floundering rather than trying to exclude you, using the baby, IYSWIM.

I think if this happened to me i would do the graceful thing and send/let DH to the wedding to fulfill his BM duties. But i wouldn't forget what they did. I would hope in a few years they think back and cringe.

YouOldSlag Wed 16-Jan-13 18:53:34

Personally, I love weddings with kids there as it's a big family oriented bash and I think weddings are the union of two families as well as two people.

However, people are entitled to have a child free wedding, as long as they don't strop when parents are unable to attend. Not everyone has babysitters or family close by, so it's often not an option to just leave the kids with someone.

I also think it's bad for to insist a mother doesn't bring a newborn.

Also- what's all this nonsense about "why don't you just express for a day?" It's not easy to express enough for an overnight stay or two, and your boobs will be painful and engorged and the baby might not take a bottle, and it will mess your supply up, and if the baby is very young, then BFing patterns and supplies are still being established. It's not just like running a tap or milking a cow!

DontmindifIdo Wed 16-Jan-13 18:55:13

Samnella - I know what you mean, but we can't be the only ones who are nearly out of unmarried family now? There's my cousin who is now 20, but we aren't that close so not sure if we'd get an invite anyway should she ever get married (live other end of country).

however, thanks to my gran being one of 7 and my grandad being one of 12 (!) when we were growing up, there was always a 'cousin of my dad' getting married every other saturday in the summer.

expatinscotland Wed 16-Jan-13 18:57:45

All this take the high road and childminders and nip up and down and feed. C'mon! The bride's mum rang up the OP's DH! Bridezilla nutter! If I were the OP's DH I'd tell him we weren't coming. This friendship is doomed anyhow, why drag it out?

MerylStrop Wed 16-Jan-13 19:00:12

Don't mind if I do....ace. It's the best bit, apart from the speeches. 12 kids, including my own at our wedding.... 7 years later nearly a 50:50 split at my BEst Woman's

tigerKesha Wed 16-Jan-13 19:01:06

I think YABU by trying to have DH back out from being a best man. Most men choose a dear valued friend to be a best man & it would be mean spirited to turn him down last minute. Dear OP you don't seem particularly close to the bride & groom, so by not attending I don't think you'll miss out much. We had an adult only wedding as our reception was quite late and the venue didn't allow children after a certain time yet the party was from 7pm till 1am. A friend of my husband brought his 3 little children between ages 1 to 6 & spent half the time in church trying to keep them quiet through the vows and his wife kept chasin them up the aisle, we still have them in the wedding video. Also my brothers & my SIL didn't bring their beloved kids but seeing as it was for 1 day only no one took it that personally. PS: we love babies & we now have 2 & I would not stop my DH from going to his best mates wedding if I wasn't allowed to go with DCs

expatinscotland Wed 16-Jan-13 19:03:05

'Most men choose a dear valued friend to be a best man & it would be mean spirited to turn him down last minute. '

And the groom's being an arse about the OP's husband's child. That's mean spirited, too. If the DH wants to back out, why not?

YouOldSlag Wed 16-Jan-13 19:08:25

True expat. The dear friend is saying "Don't go bringing that newborn baby to my wedding. In fact, don't bring your wife either. It's OUR day, not yours!"

Some friend.

ENormaSnob Wed 16-Jan-13 19:09:35

So they knew from the offset that you planned to take baby, yet waited til a few weeks before to get mil to ring and say the baby isn't welcome?

That's not a communication failure imo.

That's really shitty of them.

Would your dh have accepted being best man had he known this? I reckon not.

SoldeInvierno Wed 16-Jan-13 19:10:44

If that was me, I wouldn't go, and I don't think DH would go either. What is the point? are you really going to forget this story after the wedding and stay friends?

ENormaSnob Wed 16-Jan-13 19:14:07

Totally agree with expat.

This friendship won't be continuing.

Fwiw I have no strong feelings re child free weddings (I cant really be arsed with weddings in general tbh) but this is really poor of them.

Every child free wedding we've attended has given ample notice of the child ban and has excluded babes in arms.

YANBU, they don't sound like much of a friend.

Sandie79 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:33:14

I think it would be outrageous to pull out as being best man this close to the wedding and would cause a rift that wouldn't heal.

I also think, unless they explicitly included the baby on the invite, there was no way it even occurred to them you wouldn't get a babysitter.

The no-children thing has its place, and they may think that if they make an exception for you lots of other friends and family members will be irate. I was at a lovely, very informal family wedding a few years ago where the bride and groom had decided that since they already had two dc, they would invite everyone else's children - there were 140 adults and 85 children. It was a bbq at a big house in the country with plenty of space so the kids had a ball, but it made me realise how crazy the numbers can be.

They probably should be more accommodating but even still I think you should send dh and then perhaps subsequently re-evaluate the friendship a bit.
If you aren't happy with just letting him go and staying home, I've been to weddings where the bf-ing mothers of small babies have arranged a hotel sitter (and in one case a grandparent) to stay in the room and nipped out to feed - most of the time the baby has been asleep, and it was a chance for the mum to have a catch-up with friends. Would that be a possibility? If you already have the room set up you could see if the hotel arranges sitters, there may even be other people attending the wedding who'd be willing to share.

The MIL is ridiculous, and inappropriate, but unless you know they set her on you, I don't think you can blame them too much for that.

I've been to a wedding where there had been a change of best man a mere fortnight before the ceremony (the groom had his wrist in a cast: these facts are related grin ).

If DH hadn't been on the stag do, we would have been none the wiser.

ENormaSnob Wed 16-Jan-13 19:39:30

Read the thread sandie.

About 3 pages ago op said they knew they planned to take baby all along as it had been discussed throughout. It was only after the recent meal that they have said no baby.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 16-Jan-13 19:43:32

newandsparkly you are talking utter bollocks. And obviously have no clue bout breastfeeding a newly born baby.

PickledApples Wed 16-Jan-13 19:43:47

How old is baby btw?
The couple have surely passed on your number to the MIL? shock that alone would piss me off!

DH was best man once and we as a couple were missed out of speeches (had helped with preparations, every other Jim Bob got a name check hmm ) DH had no actual role other than ring bearer confused and they gave alcohol as a "thanks" for the BM role, knowing we're tee total. Pretty crap and a huge waste of time, money and effort (3hours away, young DC etc)

Ah the joy of weddings grin

Sandie79 Wed 16-Jan-13 19:47:45

Enorma that's not quite what I'm getting from that. She said ' 'If they'd said from the start that it was a child-free wedding then DH could have made the choice whether to agree to be best man. What he objects to is that they never once mentioned this when talking to us about it, they invited both of us knowing we'd have a small baby and they knew perfectly well that we were planning to take him with us because we talked about how to deal with him.'

I assume the 'when we talked about how to deal with him' bit was the dinner she mentioned in the OP after which they got the phone call, and up until that point she thinks they should have assumed they were bringing the baby. I obviously might be reading that wrong.

If they did initially say, explicitly, of course we'll make an exception for the baby, and then changed their mind, then they're being very unreasonable. Even without that, I think babe-in-arms exceptions make a lot of sense. But I don't think any of it is worth no longer being the best man, and I still think the most obvious explanation is crossed wires.

onedev Wed 16-Jan-13 19:49:46

I think the friendship is doomed now anyway, so better to cut your losses (unless the groom realises the error of their ways & apologises to your DH soon & baby is allowed!).

YANBU

Yes, I think previous experience can influence people's decisions a lot.

I have been to at least two weddings where babies screamed through the vows. I really do wish I was the type who wouldn't be bothered by that, but it was so not what I wanted.

I'm not arguing that big family weddings aren't great -- they're great fun. It just wasn't for me and I don't regret it at all, our wedding day turned out great and everyone had a blast.

Stokes Wed 16-Jan-13 20:26:35

I'm guessing the invitation just had your and your DH's names on it, in which case YWBVU not to realise the baby wasn't invited. If the invitation just had your two names, then they were very clear about the wedding being childfree.

They ABVU not to make an exception for a breastfed newborn.

The mother is friggin ridiculous.

Oh, and IMO, a couple of well behaved children playing nicely are a great addition to a wedding. 40 kids running round screaming, high on sugar not so much. Sometimes childfree is the best option given a couple's circumstances.

Stokes Wed 16-Jan-13 20:28:09

Oh, and I think your husband should be best man. Or at least the decision should be solely up to him since it would end what is presumably a very important friendship. It's not your call.

Zavi Wed 16-Jan-13 20:35:06

As it's their big day perhaps they want your attention on them that day.

Why can't you just express and freeze milk and leave the baby at home?

Alternatively your DH could go alone as he's the BM, or take a friend with him on your "ticket".

SoldeInvierno Wed 16-Jan-13 20:49:22

Zavi, have you ever breastfed? maybe you have, but not everyone finds the expressing bit so easy (or leaving a baby behind). I went to a wedding when DS was 17 days old (left him with my parents) and even though I expressed before I left the house, by the time the church ceremony finished, I was leaking and had to go back home.

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Wed 16-Jan-13 20:49:35

Yeah, because a new mum separated from her EBF infant has loads of attention to pour on the bride and groom. Ffs.
I totally agree with expat.

And if he does ring his knobber mate, please tell us what he says about the mil's phonecall, I'm dying to know!

expatinscotland Wed 16-Jan-13 20:49:48

Please read the thread, Zavi. No one owns a day, either, and why be friends with someone who's so immature and dramatic they need all the 'attention' over a newborn baby?

Why can't you just express and freeze milk and leave the baby at home?
Words fail me, how can people be so ignorant? hmm

ENormaSnob Wed 16-Jan-13 20:56:45

I wouldn't be friends with someone so arseholey as to demand my full attention be on them because it's their special day.

What a load of shit.

LineRunner Wed 16-Jan-13 20:57:26

Maybe the baby could sort itself out and pop down to McDonald's.

ENormaSnob Wed 16-Jan-13 20:58:05

Some people are just pig thick ignorant unfortunately Sauvignon.

ineedanewmiddlename Wed 16-Jan-13 21:11:46

We didn't have children at our wedding, but if any of our friends had a tiny baby, then the baby would have been welcome.

YANBU

RafflesWay Wed 16-Jan-13 21:18:39

Honestly op I think your suggestion of sitting at the back of the church was admirable. However I can't be doing with all these precious bridezillas. I am middle aged now and in my day it would never even have crossed our minds to ask for a child free wedding although I do respect people's right to choose but cannot accept this sudden change of heart which is really nasty.

Is she planning having children herself one day? Wonder how she would feel if someone said same to her then! I wouldn't stop dh from attending as best man if he still wants to but these people are Not your friends. She's a precious princess and I don't give the marriage much chance if this is her normal behaviour. Her dh will soon get fed up of her stupid tantrums. FGS if this is all she has to worry about in life then God help her. Congrats on new baby op - you'd be more than welcome at any celebration of mine and would be severely told off for not bringing baby!!! Flame away - I am just a baby loving old so and so anyway!!

YouOldSlag Wed 16-Jan-13 21:22:23

Raffles. I like you.

Loie159 Wed 16-Jan-13 21:31:55

Come lare to this, but tried to read most of thread.... Personally not a fan of child free weddings. Think it is a bit precious..... Friends and family if you want them there come in all shapes snd sizes, and some if those sizes are child shape.

Think it is very bad form for them to kick up a fuss at such s late stage . Even if they say its all ok now, it is going to make everyone feel awkward.. Don't go. As for your DH not going that will need to be his choice as they are more his friends. No matter how unreasonable they are being, retraction of a best man position and not going to wedding at all will signify the end if the friendship. Only he can decide if that is the path he wants to take.

<applauds Raffles>

"retraction of a best man position and not going to wedding at all will signify the end if the friendship. "

Uninviting the wife of the best man at such late stage could possibly also signify the end of the friendship.

moreyear Wed 16-Jan-13 21:41:40

Gosh Zavi what a practical and heartwarming suggestion, sounds quite a lot of work though - surely the op just needs to get in a half pint in and ask the teenager next-door to pop over and point the fridge out to the baby?

RafflesWay Wed 16-Jan-13 21:46:47

Cheers oldslag - fully expected to get super flamed!!

RafflesWay Wed 16-Jan-13 21:47:59

Sorry you too Pure - applause returned!!

Loie159 Wed 16-Jan-13 21:52:47

Pure Quintesse , absolutely it might. But DH may well be able to get beyond this snub Ashe may decide there were greater forces at play ( MIL / bridezilla). However if OP DH retracts best man position snd does not attend them sm guessing MIL and bridezilla will never let his friend forget that, and friendship will in most certainty be over.

Pancakeflipper Wed 16-Jan-13 22:00:29

Why can't you just express and freeze milk and leave the baby at home?

Because babies are shit at opening freezer doors.

Zavi Wed 16-Jan-13 22:08:21

I've only been to one child-free wedding. I was a bit miffed at first that kids were banned but it turned out to be the BEST wedding ever and it's completely changed my mind about child-free weddings!

So refreshing not having to run round after my own DC, making sure that they weren't annoying anyone or hurting themselves or anyone else.

It also meant I got to meet other adults without the interruptions that having kids with you inevitably entails. Don't you hate it when you're talking to a mum or dad and either you or they have to keep breaking off a conversation to attend to your own or their child's interruptions?

It also meant that I or they didn't, out of politeness, need to say hello / take an interest in respective children.

Invariably some people's children are better behaved than others...need I say more?

Invariably some BF mothers are more discrete about BF than others...need I say more?

It sounds as if this couple want an adult event and I think they are perfectly entitled to it. It's their big day and they want to arrange it in their own way. Who doesn't what to do that when they're getting married?

OP is taking it too personally the fact that they don't want her baby there. They don't want anyone's babies or children there!

Also, as baby is being BF she's got to accept that there will be events that she's going to have to miss out on if she cant express milk. That's part and parcel of BF isn't it?

NamingOfParts Wed 16-Jan-13 22:14:33

I think that reports that the Groom's and DH's friendship will be automatically ended by OP's DH dropping out of BM duties are wildly exaggerated.

Assuming that groom and DH are both reasonable people then I would have thought that a phone call from DH explaining that leaving the baby behind is not an option would be well received. My reading of the OP is that the groom is embarrassed. OP's DH would quite possibly be doing him a favour by dropping out!

DoItToJulia Wed 16-Jan-13 22:14:41

Oh Zavi, I fear this will not go down well for you.

Pancakeflipper Wed 16-Jan-13 22:15:30

And that's fine Zavi but the weddingzilla's have moved the goalposts just weeks before the wedding. They had already made arrangements for their older child and it had all been ok about taking baby.
Then change their minds. That's left the Bestman and family a bit gobsmacked.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Wed 16-Jan-13 22:19:58

Nowhere does the OP say the baby was invited (happy to be corrected OP)! She just says she was pregnant when the invite was made. It sounds to me like she assumed she would be able to take baby and B&G assumed they wouldn't be bringing baby.

A few weeks before the wedding they find out the others misconception.

It really doesn't read to me like a change of heart by B&G - just a misunderstanding.

I don't the OP is being unreasonable. I think withdrawing an invitation - because they knew the baby was coming ages ago - is really rude. I would suggest yes dh should withdraw and you can spend the money that attending would have cost you on something fun for yourselves. Alas I suspect the groom may get more than he's bargaining for. Neither bride nor mil have exactly shone over this have they?

thefirstmrsrochester Wed 16-Jan-13 22:24:36

pancakeflipper grin
Op, I've come late to the table, I have read all of the thread, I think you most definitely are not being unreasonable.
And what an utter arse the bride to be is if she is getting jealous of a tiny baby. God help your DH mate.
Cut and run I'd say.
Btw, my uncles wife did similar (about 20 yrs ago) and banned her husband to be's 5 week old baby from their wedding - cue both sides never speaking again and my lovely cousins from each side having grown up not knowing each other exist).
I appreciate the example I have given is slightly different with it being family, but I'm trying to say that no good comes out of self centred and prissy behaviour.

wherearemysocka Wed 16-Jan-13 22:24:55

Normally I will defend people who want childfree weddings to the end for all the reasons Zavi stated. However in this particular situation I think the behaviour of the bride and groom (if they did indeed have much say) is appalling and very self centred.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 22:42:45

newandsparkly you are talking utter bollocks. And obviously have no clue bout breastfeeding a newly born baby.

If you had actually read my posts properly, you'd have noticed that I had said I didn't realise it was an overnighter, so said that of course you might not be able to go, and that's fair enough.
There's no reason why the whole family has to pull out though just to prove a point, and the couple whose wedding it is would have every right to be pissed off if the dh pulled out at last minute in a strop.
As lovely as babies are, some people do need to realise that not everyone is attached to your baby as you are, and no, their whole life does not revolve around you and your family.
It's not all about you.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 22:43:34

It really doesn't read to me like a change of heart by B&G - just a misunderstanding.

This ^^

I had a childfree wedding. Children came to the ceremony but not to the meal, as it was on a tight budget and immediate family only anyway.

I have also taken DS1 to a childfree wedding while he was EBF. Away for the weekend and former SIL did the "cant you just express" whinge, cause her DS couldnt go. Even though she wasnt with BiL then anyway!! And was still at the "he doesnt get to have him overnight" stage of their breakup...

But, what would I do in your situation... and this of course only applies to them actually being horrible, not a misunderstanding!! Well, either DH would cancel, or he'd do it, and I'd go to the ceremony regardless maybe even let the baby cry and to the hotel room (already paid for?) while DH was at the reception. And I'd make sure people knew I was uninvited for daring to have a baby. She doesnt want to be upstaged? Ha, bring it on bitch wink

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 16-Jan-13 22:45:47

It doesn't matter if it was just a day sparkling
A lot of bf mums would not want to give a bottle (even expressed) to a new baby or leave baby for a day so I stick by my accurate view that you are talking rubbish.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 16-Jan-13 22:47:45

Add message | Report | Message poster SauvignonBlanche Wed 16-Jan-13 20:52:48
Why can't you just express and freeze milk and leave the baby at home?
Words fail me, how can people be so ignorant?

Yes - so many stupid ignorant people out there - you are right sauvignonBlanche

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 22:50:12

Where's the OP gone? If you're reading, did your friends actually SAY all along that children/babies were welcome, and you'd talked about it prior to the dinner where they said no?
Or did you just assume that babies were coming, and the dinner was the first time that you had actually mentioned the fact to them so they were a bit "hang on, who said baby could come?!"
Genuine question by the way, as there seems to be a bit of confusion on the thread as it's not made clear in your original post.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 22:54:42

A lot of bf mums would not want to give a bottle (even expressed) to a new baby or leave baby for a day so I stick by my accurate view that you are talking rubbish.

Well, that's entirely up to the mum, and of course they're NBU to want to stay at home. If you bf and can't go anywhere though, you have to accept that your choice means you sometimes just can't go places then.
Not go in a sulk because the world refuses to revolve around your baby.
The bride and groom are just as entitled to have the kind of day THEY want, without being guilt tripped into a different type of day to accommodate and please everyone else.

Viviennemary Wed 16-Jan-13 22:55:26

I think it's fair enough to impose a no children rule if that's what people want. But then they can't complain if people decide not to go if they can't take their children.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 16-Jan-13 23:01:07

I don't get the impression the op is sulking. More like the bridezilla is being odd!

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 23:03:39

Why are they being odd for not wanting children at their wedding? Not everyone does. Doesn't make them odd.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 23:05:30

Sorry, pressed send too soon. What is it if they're both not sulking then, if she's refusing to go, and so is husband, when he's got a main role in the bridal party?

I agree New -- it is absolutely a woman's prerogative not to leave her baby for a day but unfortunately that means sometimes you have to give things a miss. I think ideally everyone would want children at their weddings but people are not monsters if they don't, there are actual reasons for it.

It's not ignorant to wonder if a woman might express. Maybe it's a little ignorant to assume everyone can or wants to express, but it's not the same as suggesting leaving the baby with a Happy Meal. Lots of women do express so people might genuinely think this is an option. If not, fair enough, but again, that doesn't trump the couple's wishes for their own wedding.

13Iggis Wed 16-Jan-13 23:14:59

I don't get all the "world doesn't revolve around your baby" posts. The OP does not want to bring the baby in order to show him off. She needs to bring him as he is dependant upon her. There is a big difference. Thinking the world revolved around your baby would mean expecting the event to change to accommodate you - the OP is expecting nothing to change, and has made contigency plans in case the baby is distracting others from the bridezilla

Invariably some BF mothers are more discrete about BF than others...need I say more? Zavi you are shit-stirring, and the word is discreet fgs.

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 23:22:29

Thinking the world revolved around your baby would mean expecting the event to change to accommodate you - the OP is expecting nothing to change, and has made contigency plans in case the baby is distracting others from the bridezilla

She is expecting the event to change though by wanting them to change their plans and have babies/children come along.
What contingency plans? Promising to take the baby out if it threatens to cry all the way through the vows? Because sometimes people promise they'll take the baby out, then when it comes to it actually don't bother and let them scream all the way through the vows.
speaking from personal experience

Of course she expects the event to change, from child-free to allowing children.

She may have a very good reason for wanting that change, but you can't say it's not asking the couple to change their preferences for the event.

Longdistance Wed 16-Jan-13 23:50:48

Bridezilla thinks the attention will be diverted to baby during the day.

Don't bother going. I wouldn't.

expatinscotland Wed 16-Jan-13 23:51:57

They are not taking their DS1. The couple were okay with the baby being there. Now they are not. The DH himself said he needed to consider his position, he said this of his own volition in response to the bride's mother's call.

Look, OP, life is way too short for precious bridezillas and people who enable them. Hope you and your DH have decided to cancel on them and use the money to do something as a family. These people aren't friends.

Binfullofresolutionsfor10thjan Wed 16-Jan-13 23:57:12

As a sub topic, why are so many of these child free invites so unclear?

It would be so much easier if instructions were clear in the invitation.

We have just received a save the date card addressed to my dh for a wedding later in the year.

When the prospective groom came to stay, we enthused about the fact that it was half term so we could all fly over. Cue much awkwardness and then the eventual admission that ds wasn't to come, too much money to invite a kid, personal intimate wedding blah. My dh has been asked to be best man, I have been invited. WTAF are we meant to do with our ds during this wedding? I said I wouldn't be able to make it as we can't leave him in another country. Cue me BU!

I believe people should have the wedding that they want. However when you are late 30's and all your friends have kids, you at least need to make sure they all understand your intentions, surely?

This is the third invite we've had in this fashion, one from my best friend. Is it so hard to put an explanatory note in the invite?

NewAndSparklyMe Wed 16-Jan-13 23:57:53

Bridezilla thinks the attention will be diverted to baby during the day.

Nothing to do with attention being diverted to baby, where the F does Bridezilla come into it just because she has different wants to what you do?
It's just the same as saying you're Mumzilla. I'm a mum, therefore my wants and needs trumps yours, stuff what you want for your day.
Both utterly ridiculous statements.
You can't, or won't, be parted from your baby, fine. That's entirely up to you. Just don't make out everyone else is being unreasonable and arsey just because their idea of their wedding day is different to how you'd have it if you ruled what happened.

NewAndSparklyMe Thu 17-Jan-13 00:00:42

Seriously, why do people take the hump if their children don't get invited? We got invited to one last year, an adult only one.
Unfortunately it was on a weekday, school term, and at opposite ends of the country, and no babysitters so was unable to make it.
I didn't take it personally though, and accepted we couldn't go. Because I know it's not always all about me.

MrsHoarder Thu 17-Jan-13 00:29:28

She's bridezilla because she misled them into thinking that babes in arms would be acceptable and has got her mum to ring up (how old are they, 5?) to give excuses as to why the baby couldn't come. The whole thing is then revealed as the bride wanting all the attention on her not their big day.

And if they'd made this clear at the start, there wouldn't be a situation because the DH could have declined to be BM and they wouldn't have made arrangements for DC1 and paid for a hotel.

NewAndSparklyMe Thu 17-Jan-13 00:34:56

It hasn't actually been made clear though has it (unless I've missed a post) if the getting married couple had actually been saying out loud that baby could come all along, or if OP had just assumed that baby was allowed to come.

ENormaSnob Thu 17-Jan-13 06:55:53

I suspect a lot of us on here don't really give a shit about weddings, child free or not. It's just a day with a party.

If they had been transparent about the baby ban from the beginning then I'll bet the op dh would've declined best man position. Therefore no issue now.

Leaving it so late (and getting the mil to ring hmm) has put them all in a shit position. B and g think their wedding is priority, op and dh think their baby is. No winners here.

If b and g are happy to leave such short notice to enforce the baby ban then they should be happy to have short notice in which to find a new bm.

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 17-Jan-13 07:22:54

It's not the fact she doesn't want children at her wedding that is odd, it is the way both the bride and groom have gone about things. They knew a new baby would be around but they have made a real hash of how they have gone about things and that makes them rude and odd.

Kafri Thu 17-Jan-13 07:50:08

Am I missing something here...

Surely if OP's DH is best man, then they are particularly close to B and G, therefore B and G would surely rather their good friends witness their special day with baby than have them stay away as they can't leave newborn..

I don't see a problem with kids at. Weddings but i could understand non child friendly couples not wanting unruly kids spoiling their day but a newborn?? - really. What exactly do the B and G think a newborn is going to do??

The slightest whimper and OP can slip out the back door!!!

Oh, and technically, their wedding or not, B and G cannot stop any child coming to the church. Like any other service-it's open house!!

Maybe they think your dh will not take his Best Man duties seriously with you and your newborn there? Maybe they think he will be at your side all the time?

diddl Thu 17-Jan-13 08:32:19

It´s not the ceremony though, is it, it´s the reception!

Why travel for a couple of hrs or whatever just to prove a point by going to the ceremony & then be on your own for the rest of the day/evening??

ProphetOfDoom Thu 17-Jan-13 09:59:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

parachutesarefab Thu 17-Jan-13 11:24:19

OP - it really sounds like a misunderstanding.

You say "they asked DH to be best man knowing the baby would be born before the wedding and never suggesting that children in general weren't welcome" - so was DS1 invited?

In your later post "they invited both of us knowing we'd have a small baby and they knew perfectly well that we were planning to take him with us because we talked about how to deal with him"
Knowing you'd have a small baby isn't the same as inviting your small baby.
When did you "talk about how to deal with him"? If it was months ago, they should have said something then, but if it is when you had your meal in the op they clearly realised there was a misunderstanding, talked it over, wanted to stick to having no children, and made the "embarrassed phonecall".

It would have been nice if they'd made it very clear from the start that they didn't want any children there, but they didn't.

It would have been nice if you'd made it very clear from the start that you were planning to take your baby, but you didn't. (or you'd have mentioned it in the op)

I couldn't go to a wedding in Australia, because I was pregnant and wouldn't have been able to fly. That wasn't my invitation being withdrawn, that was my circumstances making me unable to go.

Cailinsalach Thu 17-Jan-13 11:45:53

In my view a wedding is not a wedding unless you have boys doing kneeling slides on the dancefloor, little girls in pretty party dresses squealing and a fight. If you lack anyone of those items I think you can have the marriage anulled. Legal requirements, you see.

YouOldSlag Thu 17-Jan-13 11:50:24

Cailin- that's my persdonal preference too. It's a family day, not a cocktail party.

However, I do respect couples who opt for no kids, but we often can't go. In the past, just one of us has gone and it's not taken personally in either direction. A newborn would be different though, I doubt either of us would go if we had just become parents.

NamingOfParts Thu 17-Jan-13 13:00:26

I think that Binfull has it right. While I appreciate that some people lead very independant lives even within their nuclear family and dont like the idea that any of them are joined at the hip other people think and feel differently.

When my DCs were small a wedding invitation to Mr & Mrs Parts would leave me wondering whether or not the DCs were invited. Did the invitation include DCs or not? This would then require a mildly embarassing (for me) phone call to B&G to clarify.

Some people will assume that their DCs are invited. Others will assume that they are not. Much better if the B&G make it clear either way.

DontmindifIdo Thu 17-Jan-13 13:19:20

Cailin - I find it odd really, because due to when we all got married in our group of friends, most weddings were child-free, not by design, just due to lack of small children. I suppose if you get married later or you have a large family with a lot of people in your generation (of cousins etc) 5 or 10 years older than you who've had DCs you might have them, but very few people I know were even having this conversation about child free or not who got married at a similar time as we did, it just wasn't an issue because in our mid 20s, we didn't know anyone with DCs!

tigerKesha Thu 17-Jan-13 19:21:13

What NewAndSparklyMe said. Very wise & sound views. OP is taking things too personally & has clearly taken this as a personal vendetta. If B & G didn't want you there they would not ask DH to be their BM. Given your reaction to the whole situation I can see why they were hesitant to approach OP re-child free wedding, hence last resort of interfering MIL who was slightly off key but trying to smooth things out without causing a farce. I bet deep down DH would like to go to wedding, stag do etc & be there as Best man(as he'd previously accepted readily to be BM) but given your over reaction he doesn't want to disappoint you by saying he should go alone coz you'll probably overreact. When I was BF little baby I missed lots of social functions but was more than happy to have DH go & represent both of us. Sorry if it sound harsh but IMO its true.

mermaid101 Thu 17-Jan-13 20:49:04

I've read this whole thread, but quite quickly, so apologies if this point has already been raised. While I do think that the Bride and Groom do appear to be a bit unreasonable, there might be circumstances the OP may not be aware of.

One of my colleagues was in a similar position, in that she wanted a child free wedding. She had suffered several miscarriages and shortly before her wedding she and her DH were told they would never be able to have children. Very few people knew about this. (I only found out when she confided in me at work when I found her crying).

A relative had given birth shortly before the Wedding and insisted on coming and bringing the baby. The Groom tried to put her off with what must have appeared rather flimsy excuses (along the lines of baby might be cold in the church type reasons the OP has been given)

They brought the baby in the end and my colleague had to have photos taken with the baby and listen to many well meaning friends and family cry "ooooo it will be you next" and other similar comments.

It was heartbreaking to watch her put on a brave face and she told me later how distressing she and her husband found it. Of course, the mother of the new baby and most of the other guests had no idea of their circumstance, but my colleague did say that it caused her massive strain.

I appreciate that this is an unlikely scenario, but could something like this be going on and would this explain the rather odd phone call from the MIL, who might be trying to avoid a similar situation?

Lambzig Thu 17-Jan-13 21:11:16

OP I think you might have to back out, but do try and persuade your DH to still go. Perhaps the bride and groom are being unreasonable and getting her mother to call is so childish, but its probably not worth ruining a relationship over.

We had a child free wedding (our reason was that we had lots of failed ivf and wanted the day not to be thinking about our failure to conceive and have children - slightly flawed by my sister going into labour at the reception and the MC going on and on about the wedding cake being a fertility symbol and how if I ate it I would get pregnant on the honeymoon -if only), but I still cringe about it years later, although nobody minded and only two of our friends had children by then.

I can see why your DH has the hump and wants to back out, its probably more to do with the manner that this has been done with the mother calling.

Stokes Thu 17-Jan-13 21:30:58

When my DCs were small a wedding invitation to Mr & Mrs Parts would leave me wondering whether or not the DCs were invited. Did the invitation include DCs or not?

It's really not difficult at all - people names on the invitation are invited, people not named aren't invited. Invitation coming to Mr & Mrs Parts means Mr & Mrs Parts, not Mr & Mrs Parts & their children.

andapartridgeinaRowantree Thu 17-Jan-13 21:49:40

Last year I was a bride and my chief bridesmaid had a baby only eight weeks before. She was breast-feeding.

So she had her own room to go to when she needed to and we understood that she couldn't be away from little one. She didn't even come to help me get ready. And that was fine, because as her best mate I loved her little one immediately and couldn't imagine her not being there.

The girl and her mother are self absorbed loons. Don't go.

Btw I'm an only child of a single mum too so those people saying that's the reason, you are also being very unreasonable. Berks.

andapartridgeinaRowantree Thu 17-Jan-13 21:51:31

Apart from if it was what mermaid said. In which case it's heartbreaking...

Stokes - I would agree except that at a recent wedding we received an invitation to Mr & Mrs Winwood. I replied and said DH would be delighted but because of the DCs I would have to decline; would it be ok if I brought them to the churchyard so I could see the frock?

Bride replied saying children were invited. I think she had forgotten their names, hence not wanting to commit to writing them down... shock grin

LucieLucie Thu 17-Jan-13 22:33:36

HOW OLD WILL BABY BE BY THE WEDDING?
It's been asked repeatedly and still no answer. There is a huge difference btwn a newborn who needs to feed near constantly and a baby aged over 3months.

Bring child care to mind baby in the room and nip back to feed if necessary.

My first thought though was what mermaid said entirely, there may be issues you dont know about. It's their day let them enjoy it their way.

Yabu to encourage your dh to withdraw from being best man because you are bf ing.

choceyes Thu 17-Jan-13 22:35:17

We have received invites for mr and Mrs choceyes and family from people not knowing the childrens names.
Weirdly all the weddings we have been to since the children were born ( they are 4 and 2) have invited them too, even when they weren't that close.

NamingOfParts Thu 17-Jan-13 23:08:35

Thanks HoratiaWinwood and choceyes that was exactly my point. What can seem perfectly obvious to one person can be rather less clear to others. Not everyone follows the same etiquette rules. For example some people assume that a wedding invitation for Mr & Mrs is an invitation for Mr or Mrs plus 1.

In my opinion a considerate host would be clear about the invitation when they are aware that there are other people in the guests' household.

kickassangel Fri 18-Jan-13 01:38:47

you see - I grew up with the kind of family that child free is just not an option. far too many of us, with kids/babies/bumps etc, it just would never happen.

I am always kind of surprised by people who say that they never knew what it was like to have a baby so didn't understand. How do you grow up NOT seeing babies - I mean, they're a pretty ubiquitous part of life. Even if you're a student living at college, surely most people have aunts/cousins/siblings/friends/friends families whatever who have kids - maybe not lots all the time, but unless your family is literally 'dying out' (ie nobody in an entire generation has kids) and all the families of all your friends, then surely you must have SOME idea about babies etc.

piprabbit Fri 18-Jan-13 01:54:14

My wedding was child free.
One of DHs old friends had a young baby, initially they had agreed that the baby would be babysat for the afternoon/evening.
In the end they just turned up with the baby. Who behaved impeccably. We just smiled and welcomed them, not a lot else we could do and TBH the baby had absolutely no impact on the day (although I did have a cuddle - at which point the baby looked calmly into my eyes before diving head first down my besatined cleavage, it got a laugh grin).

MollyMurphy Fri 18-Jan-13 06:19:08

Haven't read the whole thread but my two cents is - your DH needs to call his friend and discuss. The soon-to-be MIL calling you is jaw-droppingly inappropriate. They are being dicks IMO and the whole "their day" jazz shouldn't be a free pass for being rude to their friends who are also their guests. They should show you a bit of flexibility as you have a very young child and a logical reason for not arranging a sitter.

kickass -- babies really aren't ubiquitous to everyone! I knew nothing about babies until I had one.

Was an only child, grew up with lots of family around but all older so no new babies arriving.

Left home at 17 and spent my life in big cities, not many kids around, was a big party girl so didn't know many family types.

It's not like I never saw babies but I never really spent any time with them and didn't know how they 'worked'. Neither did I care!

I don't think my experience is that unusual, I know lots of people like this.

DontmindifIdo Fri 18-Jan-13 09:38:36

Kissass - another here not raised surrounded by babies! Our family tends to have their DCs close together, so other than one much younger cousin (when my aunt decided to go for a 3rd), I don't remember babies being round me growing up. When we got married, only one of our friends had DCs (and they didn't live close enough that we saw them alot in the early days of having DCs, and weren't able to make the wedding anyway).

First nappy I ever changed was DS's. In DH's family, DH was the first of all his cousins to have a baby, most of the cousins are older than him. In my family, one of my other cousins had a baby 2 months before. At the time of our wedding, the last child to have been born on both sides was 15. That doesn't mean we are 'dying out' as families, there's been rather a baby boom in the last 5 years since our wedding and as I said up thread, same guests that had no DCs between them (and only a smallish wedding of 70 guests) would now have over 20 DCs and several pregnant woman at it.

Most of us would say that our families are complete, or will just be having another one. Therefore, when the baby I'm currently pregnant with gets to an age to get married (assuming they do!), they might have been the youngest family member and not experienced family babies. Plus short of someone in the family getting divorced then remarried, this baby at most would have 2 wedding to go to - and those aren't close family.

fluffyraggies Fri 18-Jan-13 09:44:11

Hope OP will update.

I got married last April - tiny wedding, 30 guests.

I forgot to add the kids names on the invites blush but it was cleared up with a phone call.

In the mix we had - a heavily pregnant woman, a 6 week old baby, a 5 year old, a 7 year old, two 14 year old's, a 16 year old, an 18 year old, a couple of 20 year old's, a sprinkle of 30 and 40 something's, 2 in their 50's, 2 in their 60s and 1 in their 70s grin It was lovely, everyone enjoyed their day, everyone mixed well and had fun.

Not long after that an invite came for a family wedding stipulating no kids at the ceremony OR the reception. Allot of the people at my wedding would have gone to this one but couldn't because of the no kids thing. Which was sad.

I still do think though, that the OPs DH should be best man, and the OP should try not to take it personally.

Everybody's idea of their perfect day is different.

annabeldp Fri 18-Jan-13 15:16:51

Haven't read the whole thread, and I'm honestly not sure whose BU. It's entirely up to Bride and Groom who they want, but I can't believe they wouldn't have considered their Best Man had (I assume) a fairly small child.

We had planned a child free wedding (only one local friend with kids so no problem). But another good friend then announced she'd be having a baby a couple of months before. She was from far away so no chance of leaving behind even if not bf.

We decided to change our minds and say baby more than welcome, and therefore our other friends toddlers too. Baby came - can't say I even realised she was there! Toddlers didn't - mum wanted a night out.

dutchyoriginal Sat 09-Feb-13 16:37:49

Hi OP, what happened in the end?

wonderstuff Sat 09-Feb-13 16:58:20

I don't agree that having bf baby means that you miss stuff. I bf both of mine and while they were tiny they just went wherever with me. A tiny baby is not the same as having children around. I also think that having a church wedding and insisting on no children or babies is very odd.

dutchyoriginal Mon 22-Apr-13 20:04:05

I wonder what happened in the end?

I thought there was an update when I saw this thread

I hope the situation resolved itself OP!

blondefriend Mon 22-Apr-13 21:52:43

I went into work and managed an Ofsted inspection of my department when DD was 6 weeks old. It's easy when they're tiny and they're not in the way at all.

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