To be considering changing my mind about helping someone after only one meeting?

(121 Posts)
SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 14:01:54

A friend of a friend runs a small business, and is horrendously busy. The three of us all went to a talk a while ago, which is how I know him. We had a great night, and got on very well. He mentioned that he was overwhelmed with work, so I offered to help; research etc, I can do from home. He's not paying me.

So I went along for a meeting with him today, to go over what he needs me to do. I got there and he was really stressed with his accountant. He said, "He's just so disorganised, and rubbish at staying in contact. I think he must have a mental health condition or something." I replied, "Does he just not keep you up to date?". He said, "No, he is just generally crap. I think he must have a mental health condition, and you can't work with people like that. They just don't get it."

So, I said, "Well, actually I have a mental health condition." He looked at me sharply, and said, "We might not get on in that case." I told him I had Borderline Personality Disorder, and explained loosely what that meant. His phone then rang.

Then we started talking over what he needed me to do. Quite a lot more than I was expecting! He talked about a company he had contacted; "The first question they asked me was "are you disabled?". I mean, what is the fucking relevance of that? Some do-gooder set on ticking a box. Would they have helped me if I didn't have any legs?". I bristled again at this, seeing as I walk with a stick, but replied calmly, "I think especially with the current cuts that are going on, people have to give it an appearance of not being a vendetta against disabled people." He retorted, "It's not a vendetta. People have just got used to living outside of their means, and spending too much money, when they don't have it. Everyone can't be a charity case. We're economically fucked."

I don't really know what to do. I feel like I should just carry on and help him, because I said I would. But at the same time, I don't want to either start helping out and then be having to listen to this on a regular basis, or be helping for the wrong reason, ie, an attempt to change his mindset instead of because I want to help.

Currently have a battle between wanting to prove him wrong and wanting to protect myself going on in my head.

Would it be unreasonable to type up what we discussed today, and do what I said I would do before I am due to see him next (Friday), but then say "I'm sorry, but because of your views, I don't feel it will be suitable for us to work together"?

I'm really surprised he came out with this.

WilsonFrickett Tue 15-Jan-13 14:05:14

Why on earth are you working for free in the first place?

Bakingtins Tue 15-Jan-13 14:06:06

He sounds really unpleasant. What would you get out of working for an unpleasant boss for nothing? Do you need experience for a CV or do you need something useful to occupy some time? If you have time to spare I am sure you could volunteer somewhere you'd be more appreciated.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 14:06:38

Because I'm long term ill, not well enough to work regularly. But the stuff he needs me to do is research, which I can do from home on days my conditions will let me.

twinklesparkles Tue 15-Jan-13 14:06:49

No don't help him. He sounds like a prick and like you may end up regretting your generosity

TheDeadlyDonkey Tue 15-Jan-13 14:09:27

You're not obliged to help him at all in the first place, but given his comments about mental health etc, I think you should steer well clear of him.

At least you've found out now, while you have a chance to back out.

Icelollycraving Tue 15-Jan-13 14:09:54

He is a completely unethical twat. Tell him his attitude just cost him some free labour. Idiot.

ladyWordy Tue 15-Jan-13 14:10:47

Of course it's not unreasonable SirBoob.

You have the right to change your mind. Even if he was politeness personified, you still have the right to change your mind!

You've no contract, you haven't been paid - you don't have to do anything.

You don't have to give a reason either. Given what you've said, chances are he'll have a go at you, but it sounds like he'd do that anyway! I really think it would quite damaging to work with such an aggressive person.

Holy cow, what an ignorant fuckwit.

Maybe we can help you compose and email where you withdraw your offer of help?

KhallDrogo Tue 15-Jan-13 14:13:28

tell him to fuck off

glastocat Tue 15-Jan-13 14:15:21

Tell him to fuck off.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 14:15:42

Glad you hear you don't think I'm just being over sensitive. Its taken me a long time for me to stop feeling ashamed by my illnesses - any of them - and this felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth, to be honest.

ovenchips Tue 15-Jan-13 14:16:03

If you are helping him because essentially you are being kind (rather than reciprocal benefits for you), please don't help him any more. I would do what you said - do what was agreed this week then say 'This arrangement is not going to work for me. Goodbye.'

Then walk away and don't waste any more of your time or mental energy on this undeserving scrote.

"So, I said, "Well, actually I have a mental health condition." He looked at me sharply, and said, "We might not get on in that case."

This is all you need to know. He wont get on with you, he has decided.

But what if YOU dont get on with HIM? Make that choice now, why get further entangled with him?

fromparistoberlin Tue 15-Jan-13 14:27:53

do NOT
I repeat
NOT

work for this man for free

please!!!!!

mamakoula Tue 15-Jan-13 14:31:54

If you are having strong doubts about this, I'd say go with your gut feeling. Just say something came up and you're sorry you will not be able to help after all. No reasons - even if you feel that you have to give them, you don't have to and it keeps things simpler and prevents further discussion.

I would have doubts about somebody I would be engaging in a professional relationship voicing such strong opinions.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 14:32:33

I should have walked out when he said that, Pure, but I was too surprised. So I feel to some degree that if I took it then, and proceeded to continue with the meeting, if I tell him to get stuffed now, I will have wasted his time, and he won't be happy.

mamakoula Tue 15-Jan-13 14:34:41

Could you look for a volunteer position? Sometimes there are ones which can be done from home eg collecting information, writing, phone call services (support roles)

JuliaScurr Tue 15-Jan-13 14:35:15

yanbu
hibu
hth smile

CailinDana Tue 15-Jan-13 14:35:34

Who cares if he isn't happy? Why are you so concerned about someone who clearly doesn't care about your feelings?

Wasnt he passive aggressively slagging you off all through the meeting though?

Never mind him. Just write him an email.

Dear John,
I regret to tell you that I will after all not be able to help with the research on a voluntary basis. I hope you find somebody else more suitable to take on this task. Good luck.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 14:42:26

Mama: I'm not consistently well enough, unfortunately. I want so much to be working, and going somewhere with my life, which is one of the reasons I offered to help him in the first place.

Cailin: I'm a people pleaser blush and I have an issue with knowing people will be angry / dislike me. I am getting better with this, but it is all part of my illness, which is rather ironic in this situation.

Tailtwister Tue 15-Jan-13 14:45:38

Don't help this man. If he behaves so badly during your first meeting, it's only going to get worse.

There are plenty of companies around who needs people who can research a topic, and write a good article about it. Why not try freelance copy writing? Then you take on as much as you want/feel able to?

<whistles>

Do you want to have this man moan about YOU to his friends, colleagues, the same way as he rants about his accountant?

ProphetOfDoom Tue 15-Jan-13 14:49:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Please don't demean yourself further by working for this ignoramous!

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 14:50:34

Well that was my other thought, Pure! I've heard of being able to do that though, so thank you for that, I will have a look around. smile

Okay, so I am not unreasonable to say no to helping. Now - how do I go about it? Do I tell him why it isn't going to work, or just leave it short and snappy? Bearing in mind that it will get back to my friend (who I will give the heads up that it hasn't worked out).

Mumsyblouse Tue 15-Jan-13 14:53:18

Don't work for free for this person's business, they are one individual and it sounds like they are not very nice, and there won't be an organization around them (e.g. with HR) that can help you. Just say 'I don't think it's going to work out' to him before next week. If he's been horrid to you, your text/email saying this won't be unexpected.

Then, if you have a bit of spare energy and want to work, find a properly structured volunteer agency/charity and do some work for then, work you will enjoy (perhaps with more contact with nicer people such as older people).

This man is not very nice to you and that's all you need to know to move on.

Mumsyblouse Tue 15-Jan-13 14:57:07

I think Pure's email is excellent. Don't engage him in discussion of why you don't want to do it, just state you don't and send the email. I would do this straight away.

By the way, I would feel very ambivalent indeed about getting someone to do research for me for free (sometimes my students offer and I say no). The fact that he said yes and wasn't even nice to you (or others) says a lot about him.

bleedingheart Tue 15-Jan-13 15:01:53

YANBU. I see he's happy to use free-labour in order to manage his business but then has the audacity to complain about people living outside their means.

Irony must be lost on him.

Pure's email is perfect.

Do not waste a single minute in free work for this man. Who gives a fuck if he's unhappy?

As for work you can do -- why not do something for yourself? Set up a blog or write an e-book and sell it on Amazon. What do you like to research? Have a look on MN -- what kinds of things are people continually confused by? Maybe you could write a short e-book and in that way help loads of people.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 15:04:21

Just seen your email suggestion Pure, thank you (again). I will type up the to do list, and attach it to an email saying that, I think.

I'm glad I wasn't just being precious, I wasn't sure.

Thistledew Tue 15-Jan-13 15:08:05

If you have made a firm commitment to complete one piece of work then I would do that. You can then hold your head up and say you have behaved completely professionally and honoured your commitments (and chalk this up to a learning experience so that in future you say no earlier).

Send in with the work a brief note saying:

"After further consideration of the work you have offered me, I have concluded that it is not something that I will find rewarding, and that I would prefer to volunteer my time to other causes. I hope that you will soon find someone to offer you suitable assistance in your projects."

I disagree, I don't think you need to complete any work at all. This was not really a professional commitment, it was a favour for an acquaintance.

It was not a professional commitment, and it was hardly a professional meeting.

SirBoob should not feel obliged to do any work. In fact if she does, she will be more involved, and put herself at risk of being on the receiving end of the same kind of abuse she has seen this man capable of...

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 15-Jan-13 16:39:41

He sounds like a wanker. In your shoes I would withdraw my offer to help him out immediately.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 16:44:48

The commitment I had made for Friday was to type up a 'to do' list and make a start on the research. Have just started on the To Do list, and will finish it before this evening. That way I will have helped him somewhat, by helping get organised with things, so won't feel any more guilty that I already do.

I'd tell him to sod off tbh. You don't deserve to deal with that shit.

twentyten Tue 15-Jan-13 16:52:19

Sounds like a good plan. Do not feel guilty.You do not need to explain.You offered him something of value which he did not treat with respect or courtesy.He would damage your health.There are LOTS of charities who would understand your restrictions and value your input.And value you as a person.You don't need this-honest.Good luck.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 17:11:35

Have just found out that my operation is scheduled for six weeks time... Reckon I can cite that as a reason? I feel like I am going to be simply reinforcing his idea of people with mental health problems for quitting before I'm even off the starting block.

acceptableinthe80s Tue 15-Jan-13 17:27:18

I think you'd be doing him and anyone else who happens to be unfortunate enough to end up working with him a huge favour by telling him exactly why you won't be working for him. But really you don't owe him any explanation if that's what you prefer. Fwiw my friends husband asked me to do some admin work for him on a casual basis and pays me £40 for a couple of hours work.

Punkatheart Tue 15-Jan-13 17:32:06

We like you, my darling and we want to protect you from a not very nice boss.

Give him the Spanish archer:

EL- BOW!

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 17:44:16

How does this sound?

Dear X,

Please find attached the formalized notes from today.

I'm sorry to say that after a lot of thinking today, I do not think it would be beneficial for me to continue helping. After hearing your views on mental health this morning, I do not think it wise to make any more progress than this professionally.

The notes have deliberately been left open for anyone to become involved, and I wish you every luck for the future.

Regards,

SirBoob.

Sounds good to me.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 19:43:31

Okay am about to send email, feeling rather anxious now, as know he is going to be pissed off, he hates people letting him down.

Am going to send what I typed above.

Thank you for encouragement, all.

KhallDrogo Tue 15-Jan-13 19:58:40

Well done

Will be interesting to hear if/what he replies

Punkatheart Tue 15-Jan-13 20:11:18

Make sure he doesn't bully you. You are worth more and he is an intolerant bully.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 20:17:01

Thanks ladies. I'm really anxious now, and avoiding my emails for the foreseeable future. But I think I've done the right thing for me.

Bluestocking Tue 15-Jan-13 20:20:08

He hates people letting him down? I'm not surprised he has plenty of experience of this happening. He sounds like an absolute arse. Rude, bigoted, self-opinionated, exploitative. I hope you start the to-do list with "gob in Mr Fuckwit's tea before you take it to him".

Doha Tue 15-Jan-13 20:21:34

Just read the thread SirBoobAlot and l think you sound lovely. It was very kind to offer this guy help to get sorted without any financial gain.

However he does not deserve help and l think you are right to walk away, l don't think he would be easy to work for and could perhaps cause you more harm than good.
Get your operation out the way, get your health back to the best it can be and try to do some voluntary work--there is something suitable out there it may just take a wee bit of time of find just what suits but many organisations are grateful for help when they can get it.

Great email--ignore his reply...
he really doesn't sound like a very nice person

JustAHolyFool Tue 15-Jan-13 20:22:00

From a sister in BPD: tell him to piss off.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 15-Jan-13 20:23:42

Your email is perfect. He's a prized twunt.

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 20:31:41

Thank you, everyone. Feel very anxious now, but think the risk of a bad response is smaller than the back tracking I would end up doing from all my progress mentally had I exposed myself to these views on a regular basis.

twentyten Tue 15-Jan-13 20:36:38

Well done.You have done the right thing.Good luck-there are lots of people who would value you.

TheFallenNinja Tue 15-Jan-13 20:51:17

Work for free gringringringringringrin not in a million years.

bigkidsdidit Tue 15-Jan-13 20:56:01

Well done

I'd delete all emails back from him without opening, tbh.

Well done. Let us know what he responds, so we can bolster your confidence! smile

ceebie Tue 15-Jan-13 21:01:02

I used to do research for the Woodland Trust. I profiled companies or industries for them - mostly from websites, occasionally making phone calls. There wasn't a deadline for completing the task, I just tried to get each completed profile back to them within a week or two, and soon after they would send me another one. It was a few years ago that I did it but perhaps something like that might suit you? They certainly were appreciative of the help I was giving, and it was only a few hours every week or two!

SirBoobAlot Tue 15-Jan-13 21:04:29

Thank you all for the support, and also for the information on possibilities, certainly going to be doing some browsing smile

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 15-Jan-13 21:13:27

well done boobs, he didnt deserve you to be helping him. he sounds a bit of a prick. you done good
smile

aftermay Tue 15-Jan-13 21:13:39

Good luck. I too think you did absolutely the right thing.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 16-Jan-13 01:24:22

Grrrr! Wish I'd seen this earlier, have fumed all the way through it, and then so relieved to see you've extricated yourself from involvement with this awful sounding person.
Everyone is saying don't do anything for him for free, I don't think you should do anything for him even for good money; he will not be good for you.
Brilliant advice here, well done Boobster.
Will PM you about the meet up for Frank, am hoping you'll help us check out venues.

ArtsMumma Wed 16-Jan-13 01:32:23

Firstly, you should not be working for this person, freely or otherwise and Im glad you turned it down. I am a freelance writer and would be happy to give you some pointers on getting a little casual work in research that would fit in with your condition. In fact, I might just be able to pass a little bit of [paid] work your way now and then. Feel free to get in touch!

Well done!

Please don't feel guilty. You are under no obligation to be nice or helpful to people who treat you badly.

Good luck finding some more enjoyable work to do!

littlemisssunny Wed 16-Jan-13 11:30:20

I also have mental health problems and am a people pleaser but please do not help this horrible horrible man especially as he wants you to do it for free!

Just say as you said yourself you can't work with people who have mental health problems and are disabled, I can't work with people who clearly are a wanker!

Wow, SirBoob, I can't believe you were considering working for free for him after his first comments! I thin you've done exactly the right thing.

Perhaps if you would really like to do some free research there might well be people on here who could use some online assistance. I suspect my work is too specialised - although it does tend to take me off on random tangents, I learnt about Dwarf Elephants the other day, how great do they sound?! - but there are lots of people on here who work remotely doing copywriting and similar, so I'm sure someone would benefit from a bit of help now and again.

littlemisssunny Wed 16-Jan-13 11:33:00

Oops sorry just realised I only read the first page and thought it was the end of the thread blush

Well done though on standing up for yourself!

well done, so glad you're not going to work for him!

DonderandBlitzen Wed 16-Jan-13 12:04:01

"Well, actually I have a mental health condition." He looked at me sharply, and said, "We might not get on in that case."

No don't work for him

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 12:14:38

Thank you everyone. I haven't been brave enough to check my email today blush

Punkatheart Wed 16-Jan-13 13:12:10

What a lovely offer from Artsmumma. Research is great - such a lovely thing to get absorbed in. I love it when I have a book review to do, particularly if it's a non-fiction book. I learn such a lot!

Don't bother with your email - I can imagine exactly what he has said.

Read this messages instead. This gang is not for turning! When you have a Mumsnetter at your shoulder, you stand tall!

Not read the replies but seriously this man sounds like a dick and you should not work for him for free.

Find something/someone worthwhile you can help, not a tosser like him.

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 14:44:27

Artsmumma have just seen your post, thank you for your offer to point me in the right direction, much appreciated, I will PM you smile

Seeing my friend this afternoon so will tell him what has happened, just in case there is any backlash...

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 20:18:45

Okay, need more input, have just got a text from him:

SirBoob, I don't get it! What did I say to get you so upset? Now I'm upset! I think you have misunderstood me. Can we talk about it? Conversation is the way to deal with such things. Email and texts don't offer any chance to discuss. I'm really sad about what you think I might have meant sad

How do I respond to that? As far as I'm concerned, there was no room for misunderstanding.

twentyten Wed 16-Jan-13 20:31:50

What a @?@>:>:>! Completely lacking in any self-awareness.You do not need to engage in discussing with him.

I would suggest just emailing back that after the meeting you realised that you were not the right person to work in the role described and wish him all the best-DO NOT ENGAGE!!It will just leave you feeling bad.
He is the one with issues-not you. You do not need him.

FUCK HIM

Sorry but seriously, fuck him. You didn't misunderstand him. He's just trying to be all emotionally manipulative (waaaah I'm upset!) not too mention condescending (really, conversation is the way to deal with things? wow!)

I would suggest a reply like:

Dear X,

I think it would be best if we didn't discuss this further. It was not my intention to upset you, merely to note the reasoning behind my decision. Again, best of luck going forward.

............Ok that's not great but something like that...

MABS Wed 16-Jan-13 20:34:06

WALK AWAY and let me know if I can help you sort him Out...

austenozzy Wed 16-Jan-13 20:38:08

Don't get into a dialogue over it. He may be upset, but he may also be trying to manipulate you. He'll get over it. A discussion with him will only turn into an argument as he doesn't seem very self-aware. You've been doing well (from what I gather in your posts), and a load of free work for an aggressive plonker is not in any way beneficial for you or your health.

GoingVerySlowlyMad Wed 16-Jan-13 20:43:39

I wouldn't engage any further. You have explained and given your reasons, I would just ignore from now on and chalk it up to experience. Silence sends out a stronger message than words ever could.

I'd probably ignore him, but if I had to reply I'd go with, "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable discussing my reasons with you as they are personal and sensitive"

Well done Boob! And well done for pulling him up on his behaviour, he knows exactly what it is. I personally would reply, your views on disability and leave it there

Oh and unless you're doing work to further a cause you believe in, you should be paid for work you do. Else you'd be subsidising this git

bumpybecky Wed 16-Jan-13 21:04:10

ignore

ArkadyRose Wed 16-Jan-13 21:05:53

Just state "I am sorry, but I will not be able to work with you." No further explanations. If he contacts you again, just send that - exactly the same to every message until he gives up and goes away. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING. No explanations, nothing. He was not even going to pay you. No contract was exchanged. You are under no obligation to even respond to him really.

zipzap Wed 16-Jan-13 21:08:19

He's just realised that him and his big thoughtless mouth have cost him a free researcher... he didn't expect you to take action on his comments by walking out and now he is desperately backpedalling to try and get some more free work from you!

you know that saying about gift horses and mouths? Well you're the horse (a classy one, not a burger one) and he just looked you in the mouth

BreastmilkNewYearLatte Wed 16-Jan-13 21:15:05

Ignore him!!!!!

Easier said than done I'm sure... but he must know why he upset you, surely,

BuiltForComfort Wed 16-Jan-13 21:18:40

Don't dignify him with a reply! He said himself "you can't work with people like that [ie with a mental health condition]". He told you what he thinks. He responded to your openness about your own condition with the view that "you might not get on". He also told you that not everyone can be a "charity case" but he wants you to work for him for free, and not just help with a bit of work, there is a lot to do! He is an arse and he's now putting it back on you with a poor me, innocent face reply. Please don't waste any more time or energy on him.

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 21:47:55

<snort> at "a classy one, not a burger one".

I'm wondering whether I could use this as an opportunity to educate him? I was expecting a nasty email, not a - reasonably - pleasant text, so feel I should reply.

"Having a mental health condition is something that I am not ashamed of, but is also something that I am used to encountering negative opinions towards. I understand you were angry with your accountant, but you either used having a mental health condition as an insult, or stated quite clearly yourself that you ''can't work with people like that, they just don't get it", neither of which are acceptable to me. My illness affects my every moment, I manage it well enough that a lot of people do not guess I am ill, but I am, and it seems that we will conflict on this. So I would rather back out now, rather than after getting further involved, because that would just make work rather more complicated for you. As I said, I wish you every luck for the future."

Or even just,

"I'm sorry to hear you are upset, but I don't feel there is anything to discuss really. You said clearly yourself when I told you I had a mental illness that we may not get on, and I'm afraid that comment will stick with me."

Second one. And only if you want to. I would, but do what is best for you. You owe him nothing other than the text you've already sent telling him you wouldn't be doing the work

First one allows wriggle room and scope for debate. Second one says very politely "screw you"
Hth smile

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 21:53:26

First one was more of a ''type it out on Mumsnet so I don't actually send it'' option, I'll be honest wink.

I think replying is a better option for me, or I will feel guilty for being rude <fucking idiot emotion>.

smile
Has your friend said anything about this btw?

giraffesCantGoFirstFooting Wed 16-Jan-13 22:00:20

Don't do 48

MarilynValentine Wed 16-Jan-13 22:02:06

Definitely the second. Perhaps add 'Good luck with your project.' on the end too, just to make the matter feel more closed?

Well done for confronting this and protecting yourself smile

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 22:05:11

Told my friend this afternoon, and he was horrified. Said he had never seen this side of him before, and apologised for exposing me to it when he knew how hard I have been working on my health.

Good idea Valentine.

Right, wish me luck, he might not respond so nicely to this one...

Good. You can add one sentence if you want:

"I'm sorry to hear you are upset, but I don't feel there is anything to discuss really. You said clearly yourself when I told you I had a mental illness that we may not get on, and I'm afraid that comment will stick with me. In short you were right: we wont get on."

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 22:12:21

Thanks everyone.

Can't believe I have actually done this, maybe therapy is working..!!

Why do you feel the need to expose so much of your self to him? You met, he acted weird with odd views, after you told him something personal - don't keep engaging!

AgentZigzag Wed 16-Jan-13 22:19:22

Well done SirB smile

Bloke sounds a total knobhead and someone you could do without in your life.

Good luck on the freelance.

Corygal Wed 16-Jan-13 22:22:25

No. He's a cunt.

You, OTOH, are lovely.

Wabbally Wed 16-Jan-13 23:26:11

Fuck him off.

You were doing HIM a favour.

What a twat.

SirBoobAlot Wed 16-Jan-13 23:42:58

He's just replied saying that was supposed to be a joke, that he has various people working with him who have disabilities, and that it's a kick in the teeth that I felt like that to what he said.

I felt embarrassed initially, but now feel that a) I might not known him well enough to see if he was joking, but he also didn't know me well enough to say something like that, b) that he may well just be trying to talk his way out of it because he knows he looked like a prat, and c) it doesn't even matter, because I would now feel like I was walking on egg shells every time I spoke to him.

So am not going to reply, and remain friendly if / when I see him around. Think that is the best course of action for me.

Oh well done. You've done great! I think your plan going forward is a good one.

I've known people like this, for example I once worked in a kitchen with this totally racist manager, of course he would always point out how many black friends he had to prove he wasn't racist, and anyway he was just joking about stuff! But so what? He was still totally racist.

I think you've saved yourself a huge amount of grief, good job.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 17-Jan-13 00:12:32

You've handled this really well I think.

And clearly it was not a joke. What an idiot - you've had a lucky escape there!

You have done great. He is a twat. Dont engage any further, you have said what you have to say. He behave like a total nutter at the meeting.

ArtsMumma Thu 17-Jan-13 00:55:11

Well done! Get in touch anytime regarding freelance work!

PickledApples Thu 17-Jan-13 01:08:44

Well done.
His first meeting with you and he insulted you, questioned your mental health and talked bollocks about people with disability. Nothing more to be said - your position was untenable given that, any future dealings with him or flare up of your symptoms, you would always have this first meeting in mind!

What was the outcome of your constant headache by the way, I hope I am remembering correctly that that was you (& blush if not!)

echt Thu 17-Jan-13 03:56:09

What is it about people who are outstandingly rude and then say it was joke?
The ultimate get-out, trying to cast the offended as a nonsense-of-humour-saddo.

Git.

Good on you, Boobs

Which bit was meant to be funny exactly?
Well done for remaining professional - he is acting like a child

HecateWhoopass Thu 17-Jan-13 07:16:46

You know that all he cares about is the withdrawal of all the free work you were going to do, don't you?

He'll likely say whatever he thinks will get you to give him the free labour.

HecateWhoopass Thu 17-Jan-13 07:19:26

Oh, and it's very interesting that when made aware that his comments hurt you - he chose to make it all about him - it's a kick in the teeth for him... and defend it as a joke. Oh I was only joking (next step "can't you take a joke?" ) instead of saying I am so so sorry. I take full responsibility. My comments were inappropriate.

He's trying to make you the bad guy for not accepting his treatment of you and oversensitive for not accepting it as a 'joke'.

Ignore him.

twentyten Thu 17-Jan-13 07:54:05

Congratulations.Be very proud.And remember.Go girl!

What Hecate said™

SirBoobAlot Thu 17-Jan-13 10:20:46

Yes, that was what I thought Hecate.

This is very unusual for me, feel like I have put myself and my own well being first.

Thank you for all the encouragement, everyone, don't know what I would have done without you!

PickledApples - wow bless you for remembering. I had an MRI two weeks ago, should be getting the results soon. Still struggling with it, though I think I have become used to it to a degree!

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 17-Jan-13 15:17:55

What an ignorant pillock. You can't work with (let alone do a fvour for!) someone whose attitude to you is ''oh my goodness, she has teh mentalz! Gaaah!'
Tell him to stick it. And tell him why - imagine if the issue was you being gay and he responded the way he did? You are NOT being over sensitive - he's a bigot.

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 17-Jan-13 15:19:44

I see you have already told him where to go - good for you!smile

Note to self - read thread before posting even when it's a hot button issue for you slaps self

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 17-Jan-13 15:21:12

'A KICK IN THE TEETH'!?!?!?

Aww diddums. What a self absorbed tosser!

SirBoobAlot Thu 17-Jan-13 16:11:19

KnitFast, don't worry, you're forgiven wink

Haven't responded still (I sometimes loose my resolve after a while and feel guilty) and haven't heard any more. So... Phew!

ceebie Fri 18-Jan-13 09:20:31

I really think you've handled the situation so well! You've stood up for yourself and voiced your feelings and views really well without getting into a big debate about it. Respect to you! Hope you find some other more worthwhile project to get involved with!

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