...to wonder why my DH won't have sex with me?(154 Posts)
Am a regular but have namechanged for this.
I'm feeling rejected, unattractive and unwanted as my DH won't as much as kiss me or hold me, let alone have sex with me, since our PFB was born three months ago.
He's sleeping in the spare room, under the excuse that he can't bear to be woken by my bfing at night. However, I think it's mainly because he's still repulsed by my body and doesn't want any sort of physical contact.
Prior to my becoming pregnant we had a fantastic sex life. But throughout my pregnancy my sex drive rose as his waned. He admitted he wasn't attracted to my changing body (I put on two stone, all bump and boobs) and we only had sex twice in the third trimester.
I hoped things would change once DS was born as I was so keen for things to get back to normal, but he's barely touched me. A kiss on the cheek is the most contact we've had. I talked to him about it and he says the birth (v long labour, failed ventouse, forcep delivery) has put him off.
This I understand, and I know I should give him time, but he won't hug me, kiss me or even let me give him a blow job (i hoped this would be a way to resume our sex life!)
I know it shouldn't matter, but fwiw I have lost all the baby weight and am back to my usual size 10/12. Still, he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.
So AIBU to want some physical contact? I'm not trying to push him into sex, but I feel starved of any intimacy. I feel like a mother and not a sexual woman anymore- each night I'm feeding in our bed while he wanks off to porn in the spare room. I feel uncomfortable in my new postpartum body, a body he obviously finds repulsive. I'm scared he'll leave me and honestly don't know what to do.
'He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.'
The rejection is one thing, but comments such as this one are a step too far.
Yanbu, and he is extremely rude to criticise the body that has borne his child.
To give him the benefit of the doubt, it takes some women and men a while to get back into sex, but he really needs to put aside the porn and re establish intimacy with his wife.
UANBU at all, he sounds like a total prick to mention your tummy and boobs. If he is in the spare room wanking off to porn he is even more of a prick.
I doubt he finds you repulsive, and I am sorry that you even have to consider that. What a pig, have you actually tried to talk to him about this?
Jesus! What a total cunt he is!! Seriously, he's pointed out the bits of you which are 'unacceptable'? When you've just had his baby??
I couldn't live with such a cold and cruel, arrogant twot!
he sounds a total twat! your body has grown his baby and is feeding his baby! You sound very sweet, but he is a knob
YANBU. Is this really someone you want to stay with OP?
Your husband sounds like a very childish, selfish and cruel man.
Rather than trying to get him to change his opinion of you, I think you should be considering whether you married the man you thought you had
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
He sounds absolutely disgusting, and I don't say that just because he's struggled with the changes. It's his sheer disregard for what you've been through, the suggestion of surgery so your breasts are how he wants and his complete rejection of you.
It sounds like he's punishing you for your body changing by refusing to touch you or offer any physical comfort or contact. That's outrageous behaviour.
He's being a twat. You do not deserve to be treated like this, tell him to sort his vile, nasty attitude out, or you'll
quite rightly dump him.
btw, they're not stretchmarks, they're flames of creation! You should be proud of them
Hugs to you and so sorry you are living with this complete and utter twat.
Tell him its unacceptable, tell him you need sex and deserve to be loved and respected. Tell him this situation isn't negotiable.
He should be loving you all the more after what you have been through.
Can you chat to your Hv or GP to see if he can access someone to talk to sbout this. And you too.
I'd love to come round there and give him a piece of my mind he wouldn't forget very lightly. How bloody terrible for you OP. He's a shallow minded arsehold. But hey, you on the other hand have just produced another human being, how awesome is that!
arsehold ? well come to think of it.... he clutches his tightly doesn't he.
That's sounds horrid. Yanbu to want affection and intimacy in a relationship. It doesn't have to be sex as such. It is difficult adjusting to the body changes after a baby and he should be supporting you in this, not making it worse.
Why would you want to have sex with someone who treats you with so little respect and regard?
Cunt cunt cunt of a man!
I'd be turned off him just for his behaviour alone.
Don't dare keep trying.
Make your bedroom really nice just for you.
Show him how much you are enjoying having it to yourself.
Start to make a life if your own. See friends maybe stay at family one night with the baby.
Just carry on and don't show him you are bothered by his childish behaviour.
If he wants to wank away his nights let him get on with it the sad prat. Just enjoy yours and your baby's life if he decides to change his mind then let him grovel if he doesn't then at least you will have some pride left.
What did he think would happen to your body after having a baby? His perceptions have been warped by too much porn, he needs to start living in the real world.
What a twat!
So sorry your going through this OP, he sounds like a selfish bastard. Show him this thread
He needs a slap. I have gone from a size 10-12 to a 16 in the decade my DH and I have been together and he hasn't said a word.
How fucking dare your DH say those things! He is the one with the problem and needs to get a reality check.
He is being a complete and utter arsehole. I cannot find the words to describe how much this type of man repulses me.
He is punishing your for something which is not only out of your control, but is caused by carrying and nurturing his child.
You ought to be proud of what you've done in creating this beautiful new life, and in what you are doing in nurturing that new life to the best of your ability by feeding your baby yourself.
I wouldn't be begging him to touch me, nor offering ultimatums about him having sex with me. You don't need to demean yourself in that way. He should want you just as much as before, perhaps even more.
I honestly don't know what you should do, but you certainly should not let his disgusting behaviour lower your self-esteem any more.
Keep your spirits up and don't let him undermine your self-confidence please!
He sounds like a nasty, vile twat.
He should love and respect you and it sounds like he does neither. Don't tolerate this behaviour OP you deserve better. Of course your body has changed it's grown and given birth to another human being. An amazing accomplishment on its own but even more so compared to his 2 second contribution.
Right now you're probably exhausted
stating the obvious I know but when you start to feel more like yourself then have a good think about what you want in a relationship and what you deserve in a relationship, ie. a man who loves and respects you.
'Still, he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.'
How awful; what a twat. If he has been 'put off' by YOUR birth experience, how does that stop him from hugging you or kissing you properly? What a selfish twat. That makes me really cross on your behalf. And I bet his body is perfect?!
you have just had HIS baby and are feeding HIS baby. He needs to grow up and be offering YOU support. Offering him blow jobs????? No way!!!!!!!!!
Hope you get it sorted.
Firstly well done on losing the baby weight - my baby is 15 months and I've lost nothing and I'm nowhere near a size 10/12!
You should be feeling royally chuffed with yourself right now - not sad and rejected. Any changes to your body are like badges of honour. What your body went through to bring your little baby into the world. I salute and admire you.
Now, whilst it is understandable for a man to feel a little put off or even scared especially after witnessing the birth, it is quite another thing to put you down, criticize you and generally make you feel like crap.
Don't know what to advise but I would not be taking this lying down. How dare he make you feel like this!
Hope you find the courage and confidence to deal with this and gain the love, admiration, respect and intimacy you deserve.
I cannot find the words to describe how much this type of man repulses me
Exactly that ^. I'm not sure there are words strong enough for the job.
over a year you have been pregnant and giving birth to his child, ofcourse your body has changed. What a wanker to make you low about you body.
He is a first class asshole!
Any changes to your body are like badges of honour. What your body went through to bring your little baby into the world. I salute and admire you.
very well said
I have to say that I would not be offering this man a blow job either.
And you want to give this man a blow job????!!!
He sounds like a right twat
I totally agree with the angry comments but I think the op needs some more constructive advice. Have you talked to him about getting used to the many ways in which life has changed including the appearance of your body? Can he acknowledge that women's bodies change after pregnancy? Can you talk to him about ways to get your sex life back on track? Maybe he is just a childish, unrealistic person who thinks all women should look like porn stars, but I could only hope you had good reasons to marry him and that he loves you underneath his current insensitivity and denial.
This is awful for you. Some people are just far more squeamish than others (it's not always men who get irrationally put off by physical stuff. I knew a woman who couldn't do blow jobs because she thought dicks were so revolting to look at). I always feel sorry for people like this, but it's a real gut reaction and they find it very difficult to change. My lovely, precious wonderful SD is so bad about medical stuff she's seriously embarrassing. This is someone who sobs and shrieks if they want to put in a cannula, at 35 with 2 kids.
TBH, it sounds like you may have a problem. I knew a man - a nice man - who watched his wife give birth and could never make love to her or any other woman again. He loved her, but he could never overcome the revulsion he'd felt watching the process. It wasn't so much that he was disgusted, more that he couldn't accept the pain and the mess.
He'd tried to get out of being present at the delivery, but she made it a very big deal and after that their marriage was sexless. Eventually it ended. Last time I saw him he was still impotent, with anyone. Sex was a no go area for him. Too dangerous, was how he saw it.
But the way you describe your DH sounds as if he's "allowed" to be deliberately insulting in your relationship and that this was happening before you had the baby. How can anyone say that a woman breastfeeding a small baby needs a reduction? Did he always criticise your body like this? I imagine he must've done, or you'd have ripped him a new one when he first started. It sounds as if he's always felt entitled to "judge" your body, and to tell you if it's not up to the proper standard he expects. Am I picking this up right?
What an enormous twat, he does not deserve you OP.
If he'd said your BF woke him up and he works long hours of hard labour and tiring shift work, that would at least be better than what he did say. That was cruel and nasty. Most men are heavy sleepers and sleep through thunder and lightening storms. But he is disturbed by your BF sounds??
My SIL had a jelly belly after her first 10lber baby at 20, but told me my DB had said he finds it really sexy, although she was very self-conscious of it.
Also the bigger the boobs the better
What is the matter with him - he's a nutter and cruel to boot.
Wow he sounds exactly like my abusive ExDP. Get rid.
What a selfish, insensitive arsehole.
I am so sorry he's putting you through this.
He has no right to make those comments about your body especially as it's just grown and given birth to his child.
I honestly can't think of anything constructive to post because I feel so angry on your behalf (I'm 11 days post natal too)
Sending you hugs instead.
He is a monumental arsehole. I hope he is a proper Adonis btw..
Of course it is normal to be a bit shocked by the whole birth thing-I was, but suggesting you have a breast reduction?? Commenting on a jiggly stomach a mere 12 weeks post partum??
I do think 3 months is quite soon to even be thinking about sex, but that's may be just me. I couldn't even think sexual thoughts until about 5 months in, although I was single, so it didn't matter!
Why do you want to sleep with him? Is it the closeness etc? Because, if so, he is ruling himself out of any kind of intimacy by being a massive knob.
Did you know he was like this prior to getting pregnant?
You are not disgusting, OR less of a woman. You have done an amazing thing and deserve love and respect.
I don't know what to suggest, other than LTB.
Being on your own is not all bad. I am single, and feel like a right sex goddess. Maybe because I wouldn't allow a man in my life that didn't make me feel that way.
Get your hair done, buy a great outfit that makes the most of your assets, express some milk and go out on a night out with your best mates. Don't come home all night. Do it again next week and the week after. Have fun, don't worry about your DP. He will get over himself. You will get lots of attention that will show you that your DP is blind and that you are beautiful and gorgeous.
What a twat.
Since my DW had our DD her body has undergone changes but I dont give a shit its still the same gorgeous awesome wonderful woman inside the body and thats the bit that I love.
Her boobs have gone back down to the lovely little ones they were b4 and yes she has some soft bits but they are all the better to cuddle.
Trouble is my DW doesnt want to just like your DH so you and me are in the same boat.
Good luck, hope you can work someting out soon.
He sounds like an absolute horror and in all honesty you would be so much better off without him even if you can't see that at the moment. Whatever you do, don't let his bizarre rejection of you put even the tiniest dent in your self confidence.
On a lighter note, my OH witnessed me me pooing in a pool whilst giving birth to our DS and still wanted to shag me senseless the minute I got home from the hospital.
There are lovely men out there. Get rid of your shit one and get a new one.
Goodness what would he do if you had to have surgery or had a terrible accident. Highly immature. All that porn has pickled his brain.
My DH went off sex whilst I was pregnant and for about 9 months after the birth of DS1. He never ever, ever criticised how my body looked or feeled. For him, it was the fear of the unknown during the pregnancy and afterwards, the fact that so many people had 'rooted round up there' which he found offputting. My boobs leaked like hell as well. It was solved by the passage of time and we have had a healthy sex life since, including during this pregnancy.
This behaviour is abhorrent. He may come round in time but the comments are nasty in the extreme so really its whether you want to continue in a relationship with a man who has shown he can act like this.
balotelli what you say about your DW is sweet, and she will get back to normal sex drive wise in time (and it does take time for some) but you and OP are not exactly in the same boat.
I am sure your DW is not citing your disgusting body as a reason for her lack of sex drive
My Dp isnt in to the whole 'sex when heavily pregnant' thing, I dont think thats all uncommon.
I can even understand why the frightening sight of cutting and forceos may be etched on his brain for a short while.
But to point out your body changes, with the negativity in which he did was completely out of order, what a prick.
I dont think Id ever take my clothes off for him again. See ya later, that would be for me.
None of the advice on here (except chandellina) is actually constructive - although I suppose calling someone a twat etc is solidarity through making her feel better.
The point is this - the OP wants to be intimate with her husband again, and he's struggling with her body. Calling him the c-word isn't going to make him suddenly feel desire for her again.
What might help however is if the OP is able to somehow remove herself from the maternal context. If someone can babysit, and she can go out with her partner and be herself, away from the child and breastfeeding and cots and nappies, he might suddenly see the person he couldn't see amongst all the noise.
Yes he is wrong not to see that already, not to see the wonderful woman in front of him. But honestly, some of us are asking men to be from central casting for dads.
I'm not calling him the c-word. I am calling him an actual cunt.
Therapy, go together.
And not wanking over porn - whatever anyone thinks about porn it is reinforcing the idea that tight bums/tums/tits are the norm - and they're not after birth. So he needs to stop that and commit to restart intimacy with you - not necessarily sex at the beginning but intimacy.
And tell him whatever he thinks or feels does not mean he can't kiss, cuddle or be affectionate with you. You have needs too and he's not meeting them.
I strongly think that if he doesn't commit to doing the above you should consider leaving this eejit - he doesn't seem to want to be with a real woman.
Most of us are expecting that men not be grade A cunts
It's not a big ask
OP..your husband sounds horrible. The only constructive thing I can say is that you should leave him.
Further than that - he doesn't seem to want to be with a real woman, in a real relationship, in a real family, in real actual love.
He sounds completely fucking foul. I couldn't live my life with such a nasty, shallow cunt.
My God, he sounds AWFUL. And I'm one of those posters who normally goes out of her way to try to understand the man's point of view...
It sounds to me like he is doing his best to keep you away from him. He's being deliberately obnoxious and blaming you for the situation, to deflect away from the fact that HE is the one with the problem. He'd rather blame you and hide away in the spare room with his porn than come clean and tell you what's really bugging him.
I understand that when you've got a newborn baby together, it's not as simple as 'Leave the Bastard'. But you need to put your foot down about the porn. If he wants to sleep in a separate bedroom, fine. But if he wants a sex life, he should be having it with you. And if he refuses to give up the porn, then tell him in no uncertain terms that his "spare bedroom" will shortly be located in a different house entirely.
(Incidentally, if you should decide to 'LTB', I can thoroughly recommend joining a gym with a creche, getting a body to die for, and then - once he is panting with lust for you once again - kick him in the bollocks and shout, "Not bloody likely, Fatso!" Then chuck him out. So much more satisfying than just leaving...)
His comments to you are inexcusable. But please be aware that men can suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder following watching their partner go through a traumatic childbirth. They can feel horror and helplessness at the time and can't move on from it. Symptoms include flashbacks, nightmares, fear and anxiety, avoidance behaviours (e.g. avoiding reminders of the event) and irritability, insomnia, etc etc. Often it is also accompanied by depression.
If your partner's behaviour has changed a lot since the birth maybe talk to him about whether this could be the problem.
If that's not the problem then he's just being a twat, as everyone else has said.
What a selfish Dick! So sorry for you op, you sound lovely, much more than he deserves!
Does he help.with the baby much (searching for any redeeming qualities)?
Does he have any redeeming features ? Such as a massive cock or a Swiss bank account filling with millions ? Even if he does hes still a prize cunt.
What a totally immature selfish idiot,
I would never be able to fancy him again.
It really is as simple as LTB.
I had a new baby on my own. It was hard, but OK. I would rather that than be with a man who spent all his time after me giving birth wanking over porn and criticising the way I looked. And, not that this is even the point, you are fine OP. You are a normal healthy size.
I honestly (and I mean this) would rather be alone than with a man that didn't love the bones of me.
And I am not expecting a Disney dad, just holding out for a real man, who understands that bringing a child into the world with your body makes demands on a woman. One who doesn't criticise my tits, or tell me I need to have bits of my body chopped up to make him feel less disgusted with me.
Sorry OP, sorry if that makes you feel worse. I hope it doesn't, I am just being honest.
I think you deserve better.
I wouldn't want to be with a man that said such vile things to me. Even if he apologised I could never forgive him
You poor soul, he sounds hideous . YANBU!
I hate that people declare LTB with only a tiny piece of information.
I think what he has said to you is inexcusable and completely out if order. It does sound like he's finding it difficult to adjust. 3 months doesn't seem a long time.
I think therapy sounds like the answer. You need to have a really honest conversation with him and find out what he's feeling.
Some women will continue a relationship with a man like this.
Many will not, and there is not one reason I can see why anyone would bother.
Given the things he's said to you OP I wouldn't be looking for physical contact, I'd be looking for a good divorce lawyer.
So sorry you are going through this, it must be very difficult. I second the suggestion that therapy together is the best way forward. I hope it works out.
Awful. You don't have to put up with this.
The comments he has made about your body are inexcusable. However, my dh went off sex after watching a very difficult birth with ds, I can count on two hands the number of times we have had sex in the 3.5 years since, although one of those did conceive dd. After being traumatised myself by ds birth, I hired a private midwife for dd who diagnosed PTSD in both me and dh. dh was so badly affected by witnessing ds birth he refused to come to dd's, and whilst a wonderful birth with dd has laid all my demons to rest, I really think dh has been more affected than even he realises. but dh has never made any comments about my postpartum body other than to congratulate me for losing the baby weight.
"he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much."
Suppose he does have therapy. (And I am hoping no-one is suggesting OP needs What if you have more kids, or, God forbid, get older OP?
I am sorry but I just find what he has said to you unforgivable.
He may well not be feeling sexy. That's fine. It's totally fine for anyone to not feel sexy for a while. What is not fine is making your partner, the one who gave birth to your baby, feel disgusting and unattractive.
hoping no-one suggesting OP needs therapy,meant to say.
He doesn't sound very nice. To put it mildly. I really wouldn't want to have therapy to repair my relationship with someone who found my post-partum body off-putting.
Well she might need therapy if she keeps living with this bastard.
Don't have a breast reduction.
Twat reductions are cheaper.
You could get rid of a massive one for free.
I can understand men not feeling like sex after watching a partner give birth. It can be very traumatic. Also, I am sure some men get 'confused' about how they see their partners and the arrival of a new baby. It can be overwhelming.
However, although I might be understanding in this circumstance I wouldn't be in the OP's case. Her DH sounds as though he has been very unpleasant. Even if he wasn't ready for sex the lack of affection and the nasty comments are unforgivable.
(I hope I have explained this ok)
My exH was like this, even though I was back to pre-pregnancy weight within 6 weeks of the birth and back in the gym not long after that. He just wouldn't touch me at all and couldn't understand why it was even an issue. Refused to go to counselling. After 18 months, he was absolutely enraged to find out I'd had my head turned by someone else. Hadn't had any sex or anything, just a bit of email flirtation and one drink. ExH showed just enough interest then to shag me a couple of times - refusing condoms and insisting that if I loved him I wouldn't insist on contraception after "all the fuss you've made about sex". That resulted in DC2.
We never had sex again and were divorced by the time DC2 was 2.
Sorry you're going through this but your H sounds vile and you sound very patient. I would start finding out as much as possible about your financial position and see a divorce lawyer. Just in case.
Wish I could press like on tethersend's post!!
The no sex bit I can sympathise with. My dp had a dip in his sex drive during pregnancy & this seems to have continued since having ds. My own insecurities tell me it's my body but he says he's tired. I can't imagine how horrible it must be to have the man you love tell you that it is your body. I'm sure you're gorgeous - can't believe how quickly you lost the weight or that he has an issue with your enormous boobs! Any decent man would love you & cherish you. X
You selfish, disgusting bitch. This man, this superhumanly attractive adonis, owns your body and your sole purpose in life is to fulfil his every aesthetic whim and instead you go off and ruin it all by creating and nurturing human life. The poor man, having to carve out time for himself to masturbate to porn whilst your time is consumed with mothering and your newly-changed body merely keeps your child alive. Do you think he wants his mind to be warped by unrealistic and degrading images of unnatural female bodies and sex acts? That he wants to think solely of his own needs and pleasure? He has no option than to make you feel repulsive at a time when you are more vulnerable and feeling like your body is unfamiliar than at any other time in your life, just to make you get your priorities straight - making your appearance fit his unobtainable and unrealistic ideals of attractiveness. At least this also serves to make you feel so bad about yourself that you don't have time to see that not having sex is the least of the problems in this relationship.
WARNING: above post may contain some sarcasm.
There isn't an amount of money in the world that would make me stay with a cunt like your DH.
Oxford, reading your post actually made my heart rate speed up !
op, I hope you are ok, this all must be so hard to hear
I just hope everyone else reads to the end off mine, AF...
I had ptsd after my birth and my first thought was op,s h mauy have it. Anger is a symptom of ptsd though i still find his cruel remarks v strange. Suggest therapy or ltb. And does he not understand that boobs get bigger when bfeeding?
I think the therapy suggestions are really best summed up in thing1andthing2's post. Either something is badly wrong, in which case hopefully it can be worked through, or he is just a twat.
OP your DH is an absolute cunt. He is blaming you for HIS problem He does not deserve a wonderful woman like you. It is emotional abuse.
Ginberry your post really resonated with me. My dh hadnt touched me for 7 years I lost ten stone and had an affair which lasted 4 and a half years. But im still with DH.
I dont want to hijack this thread but i just want to say that these are all forms of emotional abuse. When my DH found out about the affair in 2003 he called me a bitch.
Several years later he was saying "do what you need to do but be discreet about it"
Its a silent form of abuse that society seems to sweep under the rug. Ginberry i hope you are happier now. OP i hope you kick the cunt out. DH doesnt touch me but hes never insulted my appearance at all. And i would kill to be a size 12 right now. You sound lovely OP He does not realise what he has.
The sex thing I can understand, it can be traumatising for a fella to watch and I understand why he might be out off for a time afterwards...
But.... That doesn't stop him paying you attention, kissing it hugging you! You carried his baby for 9 months and put your body through hell...
By saying those things to you about your tummy is just plain cruel! And he'd see you go into surgery to reduce your boobs is insane... You are feeding your/his child fgs!
I'd be expressing milk and making him do some night feeds (uf he can stay up and wank he can stay up and feed the baby) and having a very serious chat with him about his attitude! I certainly wouldn't be offering a blow job! He should be looking after you NOT selfishly putting himself before you or his baby.
I really hope this is a wind up. I can't imagine that anybody is that bad. If it isn't a wind up then I apologise. Seriously op you deserve better than than this. Much much better.
Assuming this isn't a troll post (as I can't believe anyone could actually be that awful) I think he could have post natal depression and needs medical help. Ask your GP where to go for help.
If you get on well with his parents maybe you could discuss with them?
I put this on another thread but i thought id put it here as well.
Cathy Meyer wrote on Huffington Post about when she was in a sexless marriage (also of the husbands choosing) and a lot of the comments underneath try shift the blame onto her.
Its a good example of the kind of attitude women have to put up with. There is an assumption in society that its mainly women who go off sex. This is rubbish. The only reason for that is that when women like Cathy or me speak out about it we are vilified for it or the blame is shifted back to us.
Therefore less of us speak out which skews the figures.
What a cunt he is
He does not deserve you, what a total knob. I'm surprised that YOU want sex with HIM!
Aaaaaaagh! I just spent 45 mins tapping out a reply to all the points, while feeding, and my bloody phone lost it. Will reply in full later, but for now...
He's not ALL bad, he is a good dad and does help in the night. He was also brilliant during the birth and only admitted his own feelings/fears about it afterwards.
Sadly I can't join a gym/have my hair done/get new clothes to cheer myself up as we're existing on my SMP alone until I go back to work. I haven't had new clothes or my hair cut in months, which doesn't help in my feeling crap about myself.
He does have form for criticising my body and made me feel crap on several occasions, even before I was pregnant.
I understand why everyone is saying LTB but with a newborn i'm not in a place to be considering this, at least not imminently. I love him deeply and just want him to feel the same. That said, I know I have to tackle this as I fear we could drift even further apart.
Thank you so, so much to everyone for responding. It really helps as I have nobody to talk to IRL. Several responses have made me feel so much better.
Thats a lovely link darkest very succinct.
nope I'm still saying he's a cunt op for the way he's treated you.
Getting up on the night, isn't being a good dad it is what you're supposed to do. the bare minimum especially if he isn't working.
Thats a lovely link darkest very succinct.
Has he been living under a rock? Does he think all women are like Posh Spice and miraculously bounce back to picture perfect two seconds after giving birth?
Pregnancy and childbirth (unfortunately) change a woman's body, often in unpleasant ways. If he can't deal with that, he should have married a woman who didn't want kids.
Ugh. He is such an ass.
Bloody hell. Does he realise you GAVE BIRTH to his child? He should treat your body as a shrine for that.
Time to stop being a pushover and stand up for yourself sternly when he mentions your stretch marks and jiggly tummy. It's YOUR body, not his. If you're happy with yourself then make sure you let him know clearly that he doesn't own you and doesn't have the right to make shitty comments like that. You could get petty and mention his flaws too; I'm sure he's not a perfect specimen of a man. He certainly doesn't sound like it personality-wise.
"Does he have any redeeming features ? Such as a massive cock or a Swiss bank account filling with millions ? Even if he does hes still a prize cunt."
Another pointless thread, why did you post this OP?
You won't leave him, he probably won't go to therapy, you will let him beat you down and chip away at your self esteem for however many years and end up raising a child who thinks it is ok to ridicule a womans body for its natural state after childbirth.
Who on earth tells a breastfeeding woman that she needs a reduction because he doesn't like big breasts?!?!
A fucking thicko piece of shit does, an oxygen theif he is, utter waste of life.
<<bangs head on laptop,,, again>>
we're existing on my SMP alone until I go back to work
Woa - you're supporting him financially too?? Or does he pay for his own porn??
I really feel for you, he sounds awful, you don't deserve this!
Oh, I've just seen that Op.
So he doesn't work either.
I find it unbearably sad that women think utter twats like this are all they can hope for.
he isn't a good dad, OP, not by a very long way
Anyfucker Lately I have been quite literally pulling my hair out mouthing 'WTAF,, WHY, WHY defend the asshole?!!'
If you think this is the best you can get OP, then someone some where along the way has done a number on you, otherwise you wouldn't of ended up with this piece of shite.
Better suggestion, get yourself some therapy to rebuild your self esteem and self worth.
I do agree he sounds like a dick but I also agree it could be PTSD or even PND..men can get it too.
You need to have a long chat him OP please If
OP he really does sound vile, you poor thing. You say he's not all bad but how on earth does he think it's acceptable to make such cruel comments to the mother of his child when you are recovering from pregnancy and birth, and dealing with all that having a new baby brings? Selfish git. I had a baby 3 months ago, my lovely DH tells me every day how great I look, tells me my tummy looks fab, even though I see different. He tries to make me me feel good, that is what a loving DH should do. You deserve so much better.
I wouldn't care if he is suffering from depression, PTSD, PND or his frontal lobe had been removed with a rusty spoon, nobody would talk to me like that and still get to share in my life.
When did your DH lose his job, OP?
This man will eventually rob you of your mind op. I spent many years with an abusive partner. I now realise how much it has affected me even though I got away from him many years ago.
Spending your life with a gnawing feeling in your guts because your worried you will upset them and feeling the need to please them so then they will love you properly is destructive.
You think if only I was better/slimmer/more fun/ cleverer/better at cooking etc then they would be nice to me, it is no way to live.
I saw my Mother abused, if your child sees this they will also think it is acceptable.
I also made excuses for his behaviour in my own head though almost all of his behaviour was hidden to the outside world.
What a poor excuse for a man. He is not a good dad - a good dad does not get so pissed off about being woken up by their bfeeding baby that they need to decamp to the spare room.
You say he has form for being critical of the way you look. Even if you can get over this cruelty, can you ever imagine feeling comfortable and confident with him again? Have you considered how it will make you feel in 10 years time when he is having a go because your boobs have sagged a little, or in 20-30 years time when he shows revulsion because your body is aging even more? What about when your hair goes grey?
Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of ever lowering self esteem. He just isn't worth it.
I've been through this years ago. I used to be made to leave the baby sleep in the crib downstairs and myself on the couch, just so exp could get a full night's sleep. We are no longer together.
He criticises your post baby body. He belittles you. He doesn't work.
He looks at porn all the time. And his one redeeming feature is that he sometimes does get up in the night.
He won't get any better, OP.
Op, your life should not be a relentless struggle to maintain the body of a lithe 18year old who has not had children. You will also get older, is he going to comment on your wrinkles too?
You have a new baby and should be enjoying that, bf and eating pretty much what you like. Breast reduction? Is he mad? Don't let him spoil it for you. And time to yourself does not have mean pounding the pavements or going to the gym. It can mean a deep bath, chocolate, glass of wine and a book. He doesnt get to dictate you free time or influence it with his bizarre ideas of motherhood.
He should be supportive of you and tell you how fabulous you are. Tbh, if my dh spouted anything like that he would not be begged for sex etc, plus he would not be in my bed anyway.
it's a control and power thing isn't it? How he feels about your body shouldn't dictate your self esteem. Tell him to leave you alone. Don't mention sex, and maybe a date night in and a long chat might help. He needs to change though, not you!!
What an utter fucking jizzrag of a cunt of an excuse for a man! How very fucking dare he criticise your body THREE MONTHS after you've given birth!
OP, please do not defend him or claim he has other redeeming qualities - nothing in the world could excuse the way he is trying to justify a total lack of intimacy & affection.
What a wonderful lot you are! The OP comes on looking for support and advice and all she gets is a thesaurus of insults to her husband.
It must be wonderful to live in black and white land
The internet at it's worse.
Nope, a relationship at it's worst
Either the OP needs to have a proper talk with her dp and tell him his behaviour is going to change - she needs to change her behaviour too to facilitate this.
Or she needs to leave him and rebuild her self esteem. He will only get worse unless his bullying ways are challenged. I speak from experience.
OP has got support and advice.
The support is that everyone has said she has done an amazing thing with her body, should feel proud, and deserves to be loved properly.
The advice is to realise that nice men and good fathers do not tell their post-partum partners than their jiggly tummy is revolting and they need a breast reduction.
Why are you living on your SMP OP? Does this charmer not work?
...and male behaviour at it's worst
that needs to be called for exactly what it is
Is he a 'women are either sexual or they are mothers' type ? Stretchmarks fade, your boobs will go back down eventually, you are already back to a small size... He has issues, its not you.
If this isn't symptomatic of your whole relationship (and if it is, time to reassess my love) ask him if he actually read or took on board any pregnancy info re changing body/sex after birth? Point out his body defects - loudly and often. Invent a male friend who has joined your circle of friends and loves 'yummie mummies' ..... wear lots of perfume and dress up for a 'girls night out' then come back later than estimated with a huge grin ... and start saying 'Mark' (or your fave name) says ........ Sounds lame but it worked for a friend ....
The thing is though Sazzle (and I know this would work for some women) the OP shouldn't have to play silly games like this. She shouldn't have to make him jealous for his attention and affection, and if that is the only way she can get attention from him, what does that say about their relationship anyway, and him generally? How is that sustainable in a long term, healthy relationship where people age, change, have good times and bad etc?
He does have form for criticising my body and made me feel crap on several occasions, even before I was pregnant
Then the warning signs were there Im afraid! You are in a relationship and chose to have a child with someone who criticises you, why?? You can do so much better than this. So its not just pregnancy and theres no way its PTSD or whatever, hes just a nasty wee piece of filth who is into control and making his partner feel bad. Good luck if you stay with this man, you are going top need it.
Bloody hell. What is there to say that has been said already?
Taking into account he may be traumatised by the birth(I'm being generous here) then fair enough. Understand not wanting sex but why the cruel remarks? No excuse for that.
Don't think my dp mad keen on pregnancy and probably didn't think childbirth was a barrel of laughs either but never once has his critiscised how I look. Sex was straight back on the agenda too. Well it was never off the agenda to be honest.
And what's with the porn and wanking in the next room. What an arsehole. Nothing wrong with porn and obviously wanking, alongside sex but instead of? And so blatant! Its like 'I don't want you, I will go and look at some birds I do like'. Vile.
He's making a mug out of you OP. While I'm not exactly saying leave him, I do wonder what the solution is. Continue to let him humiliate you until maybe you fit his ideal?
I agree with whoever said they could never take their clothes off in front of him again. Btw, I'm presuming he is a fit as fuck?
dreamingofsummer, WHAT? Do you think her dp is okay then? Should she stop bf and have her breasts reuduced maybe?
Not saying he is wrong for not wanting sex or even I guess not finding her as attractive( though soon after having birth I'm a bit hmmm) but the way he is going about it!
Rude personal comments, wanking in another room(as punishment). What would. Happen is she became ill or disabled or when she gets old? Will he trade her in?
The breast reduction is ludicrous! Did he not expect them to be temporarily bigger while bf??
This idiot is not what you need especially after just giving birth, you say he is great but how is he great. Your bfing, he is wanking off next door, your heading back to work and are the only income, what is he contributing other then soggy tissues and making you feel awful about yourself.
You need to find your confidence and stop letting him get you down. You are a strong independant woman stop giving him the power to bring you down.
He's being horrible. This is the body you got by having his child.
If he thinks a woman can grow another human being in their body and that body has no changes whatsoever, you need to buy him a really good medical book, full of thousands of pages about pregnancy and birth and the human body...
... and shove it right up his arse.
You stretch and sag and change when you have a baby. That's just nature. Very few people come out the other end with the unmarked body of a 21 year old porn star.
god help you as you age, or if you have an accident or become disabled. That's all I can say.
Tbh AgathaF I agree, depends on whether OP wants to keep the relationship or not. Strategy, strategy, strategy .... Me, I'd be investigating single motherhood and putting my baby first, but I don't suffer fools gladly.
Sometimes when you are already down you aren't always going to make sensible decisions and have objectivity either... At the very least she can then say she gave it a shot/played him at his own game before wising up and moving on. Amazed at him tbh - how old is he, 12?
My 12 yo knows that this man's attitude is all kinds of wrong
What a nob! Perhaps point out to him in the time you have known him how much his stomach has dropped, his balls have sagged, his man joins have grown and his Dick looks considerably more shrivelled but you don't comment AMD still love him! Then tell him to get over it or move out!
Does he sleep in the spare room so that he is fresh for intensive job hunting during the day, OP?
OoOOoo, back of the net Snatch
I agree with OTT, posts like this just make me want to scream. I'm walking away from this thread
He's not currently looking for work, as we decided together that he would be a SAHP. He was made redundant while I was pregnant and has since started a course to give him more chance of getting a decent job once it's completed.
I earn almost double what he did (he was on min wage) so it makes more sense for me to be the worker. We saved as much money as we could after he lost his job, to enable me to have 8 months off with DS. DH is studying while I'm on mat leave- hope that explains the finances better.
He has said some cuntish and cruel things, which sap away at my self esteem. I know this. I also know i'm more sensitive than usual at the moment and am not standing up for myself properly. I'm exhausted, skint, and my body's not my own.
But I am loath to simply LTB straight away, and leave my newborn without a dad at home, without trying to get to the bottom of it.
We had a brilliant sex life before, and a very strong loving relationship, and I don't understand how it can have changed so drastically with DS's arrival.
I love him and before I dismiss his twattish behaviour with "oh, he's a cunt" and walk out, I would rather consider what could've caused these changes.
Does this make me a doormat? Some of you evidently think so. But should LTB really be my gut response? I tried to talk to him earlier about the lack of intimacy, he got upset and said I shouldn't put him under so much pressure.
I want him to be loving and supportive but I honestly don't know if we can achieve this.
If he doesn't want to be loving and supportive (and his actions suggest not) then you cannot achieve the relationship you want.
Have you thought about the possibility that his sexual needs are being taken care of elsewhere...other than the porn ?
Of course it doesn't make you a doormat at this stage. I know that posters would just wish hope that you don't allow this erosion of your self-esteem and confidence from his cruel remarks and behaviour to go on in the long term.
It seems that there are two issues, although they are linked. The issue of his current lack of intimacy during your pregnancy and since the birth. Even if he was traumatised following the delivery, that doesn't mean that he should deliberately try to sabotage your self-esteem like this, and it doesn't mean that there should be no intimacy - he could hug, kiss, hand hold, generally be affectionate even if sex is not manageable for him at present.
The other issue is his verbal cruelty. That is not connected to your changed body, but has been a long term issue. Did you ever challenge him on this before? What was his response?
I wonder if he is withholding sex/affection as a punishment because you are now given attention to something other than him?
Oh classic. You try to talk to him about something that is distressing you and he gets upset and refers to your need to talk as "putting him under pressure". He is unwilling to offer even verbal comfort FFS.
All he really wants is for you to stop talking about it. He will not suddenly become loving and supportive, why would he? He has offered the excuse why he doesn't want sex, and you are the one trying to make it better (!) when you should be telling him to go fuck himself.
If you want to consider what caused these changes I would also look at the possibility of an OW.
OP - that's a lot of change - he lost his job, you got pregnant,had a difficult birth, now adjusting to life with a small baby and he is due to be a stay at home parent. I suspect both you and he are finding it hard. But while you are open to talking things through, he isnt - and when he does talk he says things that hurt you. If you think the relationship has something worth saving in it, then do encourage him to go to relate where you can both speak about how you feel and open up. Be prepared, you will most likely hear more things that hurt and upset you. Sadly if he wont commit to that, and wont open up, I dont see what you can do to make things change.
And FWIW I would be livid if my DH said to me what your DH said to you. And if you and he are finding it hard on just SMP, then perhaps he should get out there and see if he can get a job while you are on maternity leave (to fit around his study) as some money coming in is better than none at all.
Getting a job of some description (even if just PT) would also give him less time to go skulking off to his room to wank to porn. Incidentally, have you ever checked his history ? Compulsive porn use can escalate to webcamming, chat rooms, no-strings attached sex hook-ups and more "real life" encounters.
Men who do this have to demonise their partner, to make it "ok" in their eyes. I am really not sure you are being given the full picture here, and you seem strangely keen to accept his pathetic attempts at putting you off the scent when you do try to talk to him.
I would not be surprised if there is a whole other life he is leading.
I think that some counselling together would really help if you really don't want to leave.
I do find it odd that a man who is going to be a sahd sleeps in another room?!
Does he study all day or does he look after the baby during the day a fair bit so you can rest as you are having broken nights and he is having full nights of sleep?
Is the course something short term that will get him a short term job, as he will be SAHD in five months' time? Or is it a course for the future?
Sorry it is lots of questions but it sounds like you are being run ragged emotionally, physically and financially and I'm not sure how much of the burden is really being shared - as opposed to being added to by his cruel remarks and his leaving you isolated in the night.
OP no I don't think eave the bastard should be your gut response. I think in most cases people on here say it far to easily. He has been a bit on a nasty dopey twat, but as you say he has not always been like this.
Maybe he is feeling unsure and overwhelmed at becoming a father and doesn't quite know how to handle it - and making you feel less confident is his ( stupid, unpleasant and wrong) way of handling it. Someone did say that men can suffer PND, so perhaps it is something like that.
I hope you are able to talk to him and find out exactly what is wrong. I dont think you need to leave the bastard. you love him, and want your DS to grow up with his mummy and daddy together, and all relationships need work ( especially after a baby!!) Sit down and have a bloody good open and honest talk, I am sure it will work wonders.
I'm not ruling out that your dh is a twat and he does sound hugely insensitive, but it also sounds to me like there could be other factors in play here. It might not be about you and your body at all.
Based on what you said, it could be that his self-esteem is low and he is taking it out on you (especially as he is seeing what an amazing job you're doing as a mum and bringing in the bacon). Perhaps deep down he wasn't really ok with being a SAHP (ego issues etc.) and then being made redundant gave him a further blow, combined with the fact that men tend to feel a lot of pressure to support their children financially as the prospect of being a father really sinks in. Plus seeing the trauma of the birth and his feeling even more helpless etc.
Some men deal with that stuff by withdrawing and focusing on something else. And in his case, I guess he is taking his own feelings of inadequacy out on you by being mean to you. He probably hasn't even considered how much pressure you're feeling or what impact the birth has had on you.
Of course if any of this is actually true, it doesn't make it ok, and I have no idea what you'd do about it other than try to talk it over and point out how he's making you feel. I do feel bad for you because I know how awful it is to feel rejected and in need of some physical affection!
I think a lot of men are probably freaked out by post-birth bodies but have enough sensitivity (and sense) not to mention it!
I think what makes him twatty most is not that he is struggling with his feelings after giving birth and changes to your body, but the fact that he has told you how he feels even a child would know not to hurt someone's feelings and a half decent man would not be so frank about it knowing it was a horrible thing to say.
So it's probably not unheard of to have these feelings but only a complete bastard would actually tell his wife that.
Op I read your post to my lads, 23 and 21..
They were silent and then shocked at his childishness, entitlement and cruelty.
Think on chick.
TwoFacedCows - He has been a bit on a nasty dopey twat, but as you say he has not always been like this. Actually, the OP has said that he does have form for these type of nasty comments.
I know it's overwhelming having pages and pages of these comments. And that if you were to leave, now probably isn't the right time for you.
But what he has said to you is pretty awful. You deserve better than to be treated like this.
Just remember that.
I hope things get better for you
He sounds like he could be depressed. I know no one wants to hear a word in his defense but it doesn't sound like he's coping very well with being a husband or father and maybe needs professional help.
He has been a bit on a nasty dopey twat, but as you say he has not always been like this
Actually the OP has said he has "form" for nasty cruel comments about her body.
OP I dont necessarily think you are a doormat, just a new Mum with all the ensuing hormones stuck in a pretty bad situation with no idea how to change it - and when you do try to talk to your DH it gets nowhere. Watch out for him getting worse as your DS grows, possibly getting jealous of your DS, he sounds like the type.
What the fuck?!?!
I rag on my body almost weekly at the moment. Do you know what my partner does?! He gives me the biggest cuddle he can and tells me that, no matter if I've put on three stone since we met, he finds me even more gorgeous because of all that I've achieved and how complete I've made him feel with us and our son.
THAT is how it should be.
I'm sorry but what an utter cuntfarthing. I'm genuinely shocked. How on earth are the blokes of this planet ever going to learn?! Fucking hell.
Just remember that no matter what he says - you're still beautiful. You could be awake for 49 hours straight without a single scrub or shampoo and you'd STILL be gorgeous because you have a beautiful baby who you created. Don't let some dumbass wankstain bring you down because of it.
Agree with ledkr. Even if you thought those things, who in the right mind would say em??
Also, the blatant playing with himself to porn just to make op feel worse.
Doesn't sound like a depressed man, sounds like an idiot.
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