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to not tell my friend I have slept with him?

(65 Posts)
mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 00:29:43

Hi

Basically my best friend split with her dp a good few weeks ago. We have a mutual friend (il call X)that she told me she was getting close to, phone calls, dates etc.

The only thing is, years ago me and X had a bit of a fling. Nothing came of it, I have a family now. But should I tell my best friend? She called me earlier to tell me things have 'notched up a level' and that they are planning to a spend a night together soon.

I dont want to tell her and be at risk of sounding sour grapes and being jealous because im really not, its all in the past and im so happy and dont want anything to jeopardise that. But I suppose im also worried if things get any more serious my friend would question why I didnt tell her right at the beginning? Im so confused! What would you do in my situation?

andtheycalleditbunnylove Mon 14-Jan-13 00:32:01

why wouldn't you tell her?

splashymcsplash Mon 14-Jan-13 00:32:14

Is there any need to tell her? From what you said it doesn't sound like it.

If there isn't then don't!

LineRunner Mon 14-Jan-13 00:32:56

It's ancient history. Leave it.

If it ever comes up - and why would it? - just say what you said above. You are all happy now. Why would you raise an old issue that would serve no purpose? No one cheated, did they?

I probably wouldn't say anything if I was in your position. If he tells her at some point and she asks you then I think I'd just say that it was such a long time ago, and that you and he have both moved on and changed so much that you'd almost forgotten it ever happened and telling her would have made it seem important and more than it ever was.
If I was in your friends position and you told me, I'd wonder why you'd felt it was important enough to mention, if you had some residual feeling, and it would make me uncomfortable about carrying on seeing him.
I am prepared to accept that I may be wound more tightly than the average person though.

deleted203 Mon 14-Jan-13 00:35:34

Hmmm....I think I'd probably mention it, as it's your best friend. I think I would emphasise it was years ago, and that you aren't carrying a torch for him, but you thought it only fair to let her know now. If they become serious and he mentions it then she might not be happy to discover you've already slept with 'her' man. If you tell her now at least she can't turn round in the future and be outraged about it. You would be able to point out that you told her you'd already slept with him before she got to that point, IYSWIM.

ZZZenAgain Mon 14-Jan-13 00:36:24

I wouldn't say anything. If he tells her and she asks you about it, you can say yes it was a brief fling and don't make a big thing of it or elaborate.

LuluMai Mon 14-Jan-13 00:37:09

Meh, why is it even an issue? It happened years ago, it's irrelevant... unless of course, this has stirred up some old feelings within you and suddenly it seems relevant? Is there another reason you feel you want to tell her and create a bit of drama?

AllYoursBabooshka Mon 14-Jan-13 00:37:56

I wouldn't say anything, unless she asked me "Hey have you ever slept with x".

Everyone has moved on so unless he treated you like rubbish there is no point.

mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 00:38:52

No nobody cheated at all, we were both free and single. It is ancient history, im just worried my friend may find out and wonder why I kept it secret. But I also dont want to mention it now because X and my best friend seem to really like each other, I dont want to spoil something because of a little something that happened years ago.

izzyishappilybusy Mon 14-Jan-13 00:42:19

SpeAk to x

mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 00:43:46

LuluMai no quite the opposite im dreading this being brought up in fact. I havent confided in anyone hence me asking for advice on here

AllYoursBabooshka Mon 14-Jan-13 00:47:00

If she finds out just tell her that things were going so well with the two of them that you didn't see the point of possibly making things weird over something that happened years ago and meant nothing.

You are not being dishonest here, it's just not relevant.

ZZZenAgain Mon 14-Jan-13 00:53:50

trying to think whether it would put me off a man if a friend told me she'd been with him briefly years ago, not sure really. I don't think so

mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 00:59:46

I dont think it would me either, I just really dont want my friend or X to think im putting a spanner in the works because im really not, if I knew it wouldnt get out I wouldnt tell her, as bad as it sounds.

Suppose im terrified of it coming out years later if they both get serious. I really dont want to upset or lose my best friend because of this

YorkshireDeb Mon 14-Jan-13 01:41:22

I think if I was your friend I'd rather not know. It might make her question whether it's ok to be with him now. It was nothing. I can't imagine why it would ever come up. X

JusticeCrab Mon 14-Jan-13 02:33:51

I'd err on the side of not bringing it up. You will maybe get a "Why didn't you tell me?!" if she finds out eventually, but I reckon that's less bad than the potential discomfort informing her now might cause.

thatisall Mon 14-Jan-13 02:38:24

Hmmm what if you don't tell her and he does?

NatashaBee Mon 14-Jan-13 03:02:52

I'd let him tell her, i'm sure they'll talk about it at some point. Then if she asks you can just tell her it was so long ago you'd pretty much forgotten about it. I think if you tell her, it sounds like you're marking your territory a bit....

HollyBerryBush Mon 14-Jan-13 05:59:10

Why are everyones bedroom habits considered appropriate topics of conversation for all and sundry? Who or what you have/did in the confines of your private life are just that - private.

ripsishere Mon 14-Jan-13 06:13:32

I can't imagine how it would come up TBH.
I had a Bf a long time ago that I had sexual congress with. My BF married him. We've never had a conversation about his cock though.

Loveweekends10 Mon 14-Jan-13 06:17:41

He might tell her. Then you will look bad.

MyCannyBairn Mon 14-Jan-13 06:30:05

I'd prefer a best friend to mention it, it wouldn't make any difference but for me, a bf not mentioning it would seem odd.

everlong Mon 14-Jan-13 06:34:36

I wouldn't now.

Why has it never been mentioned before if you're all mutual friends?

Bunbaker Mon 14-Jan-13 06:41:55

"why wouldn't you tell her?"

Why would you? I agree with HollyBerryBush. Some things are meant to be private.

Diddydollydo Mon 14-Jan-13 07:01:20

Its totally irrelevant though isn't it? Why would anyone bring it up other than to shit stir? I snogged my brother in law when we were at school long before he got with my sister. Neither of us mentioned it because it wasn't important and knowing my sister, it would have upset her. (and it was just an adolescent song)

Chopstheduck Mon 14-Jan-13 07:04:35

It's def awkward! It would have been easier to drop it in when she first started seeing him really. But I think you do have to say something otherwise it is going to be very strained if it comes from him later on!

Just tell her the truth, it's all ancient history, but you just didn't want her to later find out from him and think you had deliberately kept it secret.

janey68 Mon 14-Jan-13 07:28:22

I don't think it's your place to tell her at all actually. He can tell her if he chooses- he's the one in a relationship with her and it's up to him to choose if/ when. It may be that he's already thinking about the timing and that if things are getting serious he will let her know just so it's I'm the open. After all, he is a mutual friend to the two of you so I'm sure it's crossed his mind already. Or he may decide its so long ago and unimportant that he won't say anything. His relationship, his call.

Tailtwister Mon 14-Jan-13 07:33:21

I wouldn't tell her. It was so long ago and your life has moved on.

usualsuspect Mon 14-Jan-13 07:36:15

Ancient history, I wouldn't say anything.

MrsSchadenfreude Mon 14-Jan-13 07:37:33

Embrace her warmly and say "Darling! I am so happy! This means we are now sperm sisters!"

gringrin

Fakebook Mon 14-Jan-13 07:41:53

One vote here for the "sperm sister" line. Short and sweet.

EMS23 Mon 14-Jan-13 07:41:54

I'd tell her. If it was me and I found out later on, I'd feel like you and the boyfriend had had a secret behind my back. If we'd been out together for a social occasion, I'd wonder if the two of you had spoken privately etc..

If you told me now, it wouldn't bother me, I'd continue with the relationship and be glad I knew.

Pseudo341 Mon 14-Jan-13 07:48:47

I'd definitely tell her. Just say it's obviously not an issue now but you feel she has a right to know. I'd definitely want to know in her position. If you're really such good friends it'll be a case of thanks for the info and you'll all move on.

Hyperballad Mon 14-Jan-13 07:50:14

Ha! Sperm sisters! smile

Yer I think I'd have to tell her now, it shouldn't be a big deal. But like someone else asks....why doesn't she know anyway? If me or my mates slept with a 'mutual friend' it would be high on the conversation agenda!

Bunbaker Mon 14-Jan-13 12:32:21

I simply don't understand the need to tell her. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but it's water under the bridge. Why would either of you need to discuss it with her?

MerryMarigold Mon 14-Jan-13 12:35:51

I think let it lie. It's between you and him. And it's over. If he ever tells her then I guess he's just out to hurt her. Why would it help her at all to know this?

I don't understand why you didn't mention it very casually when he was first brought into conversation?

If it is brought up now just say it seemed like a bit of non-information. Years ago, water under the bridge, etc.

ScarlettInSpace Mon 14-Jan-13 12:48:19

Personally I think there is a difference between deliberately keeping something secret & not mentioning something that is irrelevant.

If it is of no importance and it was years ago, why mention it? If he does mention it then as someone else said, just shrug off as 'so I did, goodness me, that's going back a bit!'

Can't see why he would mention it either tbh?

BouncyPenguin Mon 14-Jan-13 12:50:37

I would tell her. It probably won't have any affect on their relationship. But by not telling her you are jeapordising your friendship. X might tell her and then she might be hurt that you didn't tell her. Just tell her in the same way you have told us. Say it was no big deal and you have no agenda in telling her other than wanting to be honest with your friend. This is just one of those situations where honesty is the best policy. The fact that you are asking yourself the question means that you know it is right to tell her.

StinkyWicket Mon 14-Jan-13 12:53:46

I wouldn't tell her. It wouldn't matter how many times you denied it, it would always look a bit weird that you brought it up (IMO).

It's ancient history. If he brings it up to her in the future, and she asks you, just tell her the same - it's ancient history, why on earth would it bother her?!

WeAreEternal Mon 14-Jan-13 13:04:16

It is entirely up to you, but I have experience of being in X’s position and IMO you should tell her.

I started seeing someone, quite casually, my friend didn’t think it would go anywhere so didn’t say anything.
After a month or so I found out from the person that I was seeing as they assumed that my close friend had told me, I was devastated and really angry that my friend hadn’t told me.
I didn’t speak to my friend for a couple of months because I was so upset. The relationship fizzled out long before I forgave my friend.

We are fine now (we even joke about sleeping with the same person) but I wasn’t really upste that they had slept together it was that someone that I considered family didn’t tell me that it had happened. I would have thought it was a little weird but I wouldn’t have been so upset if they had been honest and just told me the truth in the beginning.

Sallyingforth Mon 14-Jan-13 13:07:33

Another vote for not saying.
Let the two of them decide whether or not they want to get together, without you possibly influencing their early relationship.
Give X the chance to tell her now if he wants to.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 13:12:17

I wouldnt say either, if its history leave it there, if she founds out and asks, tell her that its history and meant nothing, so it werent worth mentioning.

CotedePablo Mon 14-Jan-13 14:36:22

It's really none of your friend's business. I don't see any reason whatsoever why she needs to know. Assuming you all live in the same town/area, socialise in the same circles, etc, I should think there's always that small chance that this could happen.

Crawling Mon 14-Jan-13 14:46:16

Another vote for don't tell her it would make me feel like your marking your territory.

WorraLiberty Mon 14-Jan-13 14:51:44

I would tell her just incase he did and then she might be upset that you didn't.

Mind you, I'd play it right down as if it was 'nothing'.

ethelb Mon 14-Jan-13 14:55:02

will x tell her? And how do you think she will react to you not tell her when x does?

manicinsomniac Mon 14-Jan-13 14:56:03

I thought this was going to be a thread about you having slept with a male friend who didn't remember doing it!

I don't think there is any need to tell her now unless it comes up.

Kalisi Mon 14-Jan-13 15:23:36

I would most definately tell her. Not saying something would make it a big deal. You're best friends, you're adults, you've moved on, it's nothing. If it comes out later it could be something so just come out with it. Also loving the sperm sisters line. Make a joke of it and then don't bring it up again.

mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 17:31:22

Thankyou everybody for taking your time to give me your opinions, its helps to see things from different perpectives. I am seeing said friend at the weekend so ive got some time to think about what to do.

cumfy Mon 14-Jan-13 17:58:06

How come it's remained a "secret" if all 3 of you are mutual friends ?

LadyIsabellaWrotham Mon 14-Jan-13 18:09:32

I would:, "it's lovely that you and X are getting serious. Just to get it out of the way, I should tell you that I had a very brief fling with him many years ago, and although it's absolutely in the past I felt a bit weird knowing something you didn't, and in your place I wouldn't like to think we'd been keeping a secret."

But that's probably down to my hang ups about people knowing things I don't.

BumBiscuits Mon 14-Jan-13 18:20:09

Oh you never know, you'll tell her then she may confess she humped your current dp light years ago, then everyone will be equal and happy!

The same thing happened to me and I didn't tell. If she finds out from him and asks you, you could pretend you'd forgotten all about it.

mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 18:36:08

cumfy its not been kept a secret, just never been brought up. X is not a close friend just a mutual one. We have never discussed our sex lives to the point of knowing exactly who the other has slept with. I think it never got mentioned at the time because it never seem a big deal.

mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 18:37:01

Seemed

Bunbaker Mon 14-Jan-13 20:04:16

But I still don't get why anyone needs to tell her. Is this a modern thing that your partner knows who all your ex partners are? It is in the past - neither you nor your ex flame need to tell her. What would it achieve?

QueenofPlaids Mon 14-Jan-13 20:11:33

If she does find out and if this does bother her, could you say oh didn't mention because you assumed she knew and didn't think it was important?

Reckon I'd find it a bit odd if I mentioned to a friend I was getting serious with someone and she piped up with:

'Oh him, yeah, I shagged him once!' grin

I don't think it's any of her business, it's your past not hers. Wouldn't give it another thought.

MerryMarigold Tue 15-Jan-13 09:44:58

I guess you need to figure out your friend. There is no right and wrong...is she the kind of person who would be upset and think you witheld it for a reason? Or is she the kind of person who would think: why you telling me this now? Only you know her, and from this thread it's clear that there's (at least) 2 kinds of people out there. People who would want to know, and people who wouldn't feel it was any of their business and would think it strange that you've brought it up.

To be honest, you are going to look a bit weird if you tell her. She might think that he still means a lot to you, that the sex meant a lot to you (but this does not seem to be the case) or that you are trying to meddle in their relationship.

I cannot really see why you would tell her. And if he tells her in future, which he might as he is the one who seem to be building a relationship with her, not you, then you can just say, if asked "Oh gosh, that was years ago, it did not matter then and it does not matter now". And if she asks why you did not tell her, the reasonable answer is "I did not think it mattered, it was so long ago, and we are just friends, hardly that even. I did not tell you because it would seem odd to do so, I guess I thought you would question my motives"

Or something to that effect.

SophisticatedFury Tue 15-Jan-13 09:51:25

I wouldn't say anything. If it happened years ago - way before she was on the scene then personally she has no right to be upset. If he mentions something and she then asks why you didn't say anything, just explain that it was years ago and you didn't feel the need to say anything as it's well in the past.

ICouldBeYou Tue 15-Jan-13 10:04:26

I don't get what the benefits are at all of telling her confused. It strikes me as a bit 'been there, done that' tbh.

If you were a true friend, I would understand your motives in letting it lie far easier than the 'upfront and honest'.

How do you even start that conversation?!

mixedupmary Tue 15-Jan-13 10:20:38

Thankyou for the replies, I have decided not to tell her. Its in the past and its private, I dont want to risk upsetting my friend if I dont have to.

If it ever does come out il just explain my reasons, that it was that long ago, it meant nothing and didnt think it was appropriate to bring up.

ENormaSnob Tue 15-Jan-13 11:26:24

Oh gosh I think it's a tough one tbh.

I would be beyond livid if I found out dh had shagged one of my mates before we got together and I never knew.

In fact, I don't think I could even have a relationship with anyone that had shagged a mate.

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