to ask whether you would end this friendship?

(92 Posts)
Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 19:01:46

Been friends with said friend for about 8 years. She is a self centred person and likes everything to be entirely her own way. I am fairly easy going but I think she's just starting to take liberties now. Some of the things she does:

Prides herself in being very "honest" and makes really personal comments. Always negative things, and often unasked for opinions.

Only phones me when she wants or needs something or is in the mood to chat. Very abrupt and rude to me on the phone if I want or need something.

Whenever we plan anything she always forgets about it. she'll suggest going to the cinema or for a drink, then when I phone her to check we're still on for our night out she'll have forgotten and will have made plans with someone else. I think she just uses me as a stand by in case a better option doesn't come along. I've said before well perhaps we could all go together when she's double booked but she said I couldn't go as I didn't know the other 2 people she'd arranged something with and I'd probably find it awkward having a night out with people I don't know.

Is always "too busy" to chat if I see her anywhere (school run) unless it suits her, in which case I can't get away from her. The other day I took a present round for one of her DCs, and she didn't answer the door. I assumed she wasn't in so left the present on her back doorstep and as I drove off she was merrily waving at me from a bedroom window. When I got home she sent me a text saying thanks for the present but she was about to have tea so hadn't answered the door. I hadn't wanted to stand and chat, just wanted to hand the present over safely!

Our DDs are good friends at school, and whenever there is any friction between them, which to be fair isn't often (they are only 7) she phones me up and gives me quite a hard time about it and always blames my DD. I am of the school of thought that kids are kids and I don't intervene in their little arguments unless it's something big. She phones me up sometimes all guns blazing over very minor issues, which are quite honestly 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. I'm sure my DD says/does things sometimes but equally her DD does too.

Says really inappropriate things such as she is sure my husband will leave me one day. And often speaks to me in a disrespectful tone.

Is very demanding and wants everything her own way. She once phoned me up at 7am demanding I gave her someone's phone number and when I said I was in bed and my phone was downstairs, I'd phone her shortly, she slammed the phone down. She also tries to make a lot of demands on me.

I try to give people a fair chance but I'm getting really hacked off with her!

Katisha Sun 13-Jan-13 19:04:08

Yes. No point in maintaining such a friendship with someone who just uses/drains you.

BarredfromhavingStella Sun 13-Jan-13 19:05:08

Don't think you need any of us to tell you that it is time to dump, just read the OP back to yourself........

HollyBerryBush Sun 13-Jan-13 19:05:12

She's hard work - consign her to 'experience' and move on. Rapidly!

TheVermiciousKnid Sun 13-Jan-13 19:05:36

You would be unreasonable not to end this 'friendship'! Does she have any good points?

Corygal Sun 13-Jan-13 19:05:40

User. Bin her.

SamuelWestsMistress Sun 13-Jan-13 19:05:51

Give her the boot. She sounds horrid.

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 19:06:28

Not many good points, no. She'll do the occasional favour for me but that's it

Tamdin Sun 13-Jan-13 19:06:48

To answer your question. Yes I would absolutely end this friendship. I wouldn't make any big 'it's over' statements I would just be unavailable until she drifts off. She sounds like very hard work. You sound lovely smile

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 13-Jan-13 19:07:58

Why do you even have to ask? confused
She's not a friend.

She isnt your friend. There is no friendship because that would imply it goes two ways.

Ignore ignore ignore.

ZZZenAgain Sun 13-Jan-13 19:08:06

let it fizzle out, do absolutely nothing to maintain it

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 19:08:26

Awww thank you Tamdin. And thanks everyone else for the advice.

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 19:09:15

So do you all think then that next time she asks me on a night out I should just say I'm busy? DH says not to answer the phone to her again when she calls me, and to just be very off and vague in texts in reply to her texts.

SantasENormaSnob Sun 13-Jan-13 19:10:42

She's a cock.

Ditch immediately.

lovelyladuree Sun 13-Jan-13 19:11:34

Do you really need to ask?

manicbmc Sun 13-Jan-13 19:11:40

Yep, say you're busy and don't commit to anything.

ZZZenAgain Sun 13-Jan-13 19:12:03

I'd say I am not sure if I'll be free and sorry but I am in a bit of a rush right now since she hasn't been very nice to you up to now. I think your dh is right. Whizz past when you see her at school, just say "hi" and "in a mad rush!" Don't answer the phone if you see it is her number. Just withdraw from it without a big blow-up for the sake of the girls' friendship.

Of course you can tell her what you think but tbh I doubt she will see your point of view.

rumbelina Sun 13-Jan-13 19:14:33

Friends don't tell other friends their husbands will leave them one day.

ChuffMuffin Sun 13-Jan-13 19:15:40

She sounds like she's doing a good job of ending the friendship herself. Although I can't actually see much of a friendship going on.

Do yourself a massive favour and bin her off. You'll feel so much better. smile

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 13-Jan-13 19:18:43

Just stay polite, but don't engage.
If she phones to ask you to go on a night out, just say 'no, I can't manage that' but don't make excuses.
She'll eventually get the message.

Viviennemary Sun 13-Jan-13 19:19:40

She certainly sounds an absolute pain. I would avoid making any plans with her if she is so unreliable. Just be evasive. But don't do a big fall out thing if your DD's are good friends.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sun 13-Jan-13 19:21:24

Yes, do not agree to night's out and if she wants to chat be abrupt - she wouldnt think twice of being like that with you!

What a cowbag.

Tricycletops Sun 13-Jan-13 19:22:26

Prides herself in being very "honest" and makes really personal comments. Always negative things, and often unasked for opinions.

Used to have a 'friend' like this - she just didn't get that she wasn't honest, she was bloody rude. Unfortunately my self-esteem was on the ground and it's only now that I realise just how horrid and unnecessary some of the stuff she said to me was.

She drifted away from me and I realised eventually that actually I liked it that way and made no effort to pursue her. I think you know what you need to do.

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 19:24:54

She seems to take great offence if ever I'm anything less than lovely, sweet and nice to her. She phoned up once when I was in the middle of cooking a meal, and my youngest DC was having a tantrum and I said that I had to go as I was in the middle of lots of things, and she just said "Oh whatever" and slammed the phone down.

Tricycle, it's hurtful isn't it? She makes so many honest comments and literally points anything and everything out. My DD is a little larger in build than her DD and she points that out regularly. She points out if she thinks I've gained weight or if she doesn't like my hair

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sun 13-Jan-13 19:26:18

the 'honest' but rude 'friends' are the one's who can't take any form of criticism.

If you are lucky and able to be honest with her, she will be so offended that she will end the friendship and you can breathe a sigh of relief!!

It seems to me that all the effort in maintaining the friendship is coming from you, so if you stop, the friendship will just slide. No need for grand flouncing statements about not being friends any more. Don't arrange to meet up, take presents round, call her or text her. If she arranges something be unavailable.

Nanny0gg Sun 13-Jan-13 19:27:07

I don't know why you're even asking!
Read your OP again, There is your answer!

Pollykitten Sun 13-Jan-13 19:29:50

My favourite brush-off (without further elaboration) "I'm afraid that won't be possible". Putting a vote in for fizzling rather than overt dumpage - that will just create drama probably. Put whatever time/effirt you were putting into her into your other friendships...

Pollykitten Sun 13-Jan-13 19:30:09


Tricycletops Sun 13-Jan-13 19:31:22

the 'honest' but rude 'friends' are the one's who can't take any form of criticism.


HoHoHoNoYouDont Sun 13-Jan-13 19:33:18

Bloody hell, you must break away from her. She brings nothing to the 'friendship'.

HavingALittleFaithBaby Sun 13-Jan-13 19:33:39

Yes, I totally agree, she sounds vile! I don't know if you'll be able to just fade away from her - based on what you said about hanging up on you etc? - bit I would just start being vague about arrangements: I'm not sure when I'm free, can I let you know?. It's not like she's going to try to put it in her diary anyway?!

timidviper Sun 13-Jan-13 19:34:02

She sounds really toxic. I would just distance yourself from her by being "busy" when she wants to meet, do the "sorry, on my way somewhere, can't stop" if you bump into her.

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 13-Jan-13 19:34:10

Or if she wants to go out just say 'Nah, don't really feel like it'.
Or 'I'm not in the mood'.

QOD Sun 13-Jan-13 19:50:39

You sound lovely, she doesn't

Ditch the bitch

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 19:55:03

those of you that say the people that pride themselves on brutal honesty can't take the same back have hit the nail on the head about her. She hates anything other than sweet, saccarine, bum-lickiness back to her.

StuntGirl Sun 13-Jan-13 19:56:55

I wouldn't think twice! yanbu at all.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Sun 13-Jan-13 20:00:40

bum-lickiness grin

pluCaChange Sun 13-Jan-13 20:01:09

The phrase for this is "She can dish it but she can't take it."

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 20:03:19

Yes, that is exactly how she is! Dishes it out but can't take it. She's fallen out with many friends in recent years because they apparently aren't nice to her and don't treat her well, and she has regular arguments and fall outs with various colleagues as again no one is nice to her

piratecat Sun 13-Jan-13 20:05:50

'oh whatever' and puts the phone down.

oh my god, what an entitled, boring, selfish piece of work.

don't answer the phone, say you're busy. you are being a pushover, sorry but save your normal, nice nature for someone who is worth bothering with.

LifeofPo Sun 13-Jan-13 20:06:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LifeofPo Sun 13-Jan-13 20:07:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HavingALittleFaithBaby Sun 13-Jan-13 20:09:08

I doubt you'll cut contact with her fully since your DDs are friends. Why not try the MN response next time she's 'brutally honest' with the Did you mean to sound so rude?

manticlimactic Sun 13-Jan-13 20:09:41

8 years? You've done well lasting this long (or rather she has).

I had a friend like this. I was bridesmaid at her wedding. I lasted longer than all her other friends(2 years) as I would pull her up on stuff. She said I was all me,me,me when the reality was she was the one who everyone life should have revolved round.

After I dumped her rude, opinionated, self centred arse I heard she was telling all and sundry what a nasty cow I was over finishing the friendship. Like I gave a shit. I was just glad she was out of my life, although I had to see her at work.And now she's trying to be all pally again - I told her to get fucked. grin

mrsfassbender Sun 13-Jan-13 20:11:23

She sounds like an utter tool. Is she a friend you have made due to your DDs being friends? I wouldn't bother with her anymore.

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 20:17:55

Mrsfass, I met her when we were pregnant and we've carried on being friends and by sheer chance really the DDs have stayed best friends through school.

manticlimatic, I have pulled her up on her rudeness a couple of times and she says it's me that's oversensitive and that I'm hard work and not to take things so personally, when I don't feel that way with other friends, just her.

mrsfassbender Sun 13-Jan-13 20:20:04

Sorry for not reading more carefully, I would have seen your DD is 7 and you've been friends 8 years!
She does sound awful OP and not worth the effort. I agree with your DH's advice and YANBU

ToyCarsHurtMyFeet Sun 13-Jan-13 20:25:57

I had a so-called friend exactly like this. Always wanted everything her own way, thought she was the Queen Bee. Rude about everyone. Slagged everyone off behind their backs. Sulked if you didn't want to go to the same pub/cafe as she did. Sulked if you didn't agree with her about every little thing. I eventually had to instigate a break-up by sending an unkind text about her to another friend who I knew would show her; it was the only way to get rid of her after months of more gentle trying. You would be well to get rid; it might be painful short-term but you'll feel better long-term.

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 20:34:14

ToyCarsHurtMyFeet (great name BTW, they so do hurt, I've trodden on several today!!), that sounds like my friend. If we go anywhere it has to be where she says. And she sulks if I don't agree with her, yet she is happy to be a brutally honest friend with me over anything and everything. Yet I am expected to agree with her opinions on everyone, including her ex husband.

AhhYouWillYouWill Sun 13-Jan-13 20:41:31

Eatingdoughnuts - I heard someone say once that people who are 'brutally honest' are usually far more brutal than honest. It sounds like you'd be much off without her.

I'd pretend to be too busy in future when she tries to organise anything / chat. If she's rude, just take it as proof you're doing the right thing!

pigletmania Sun 13-Jan-13 20:46:20

Eatingdoughnuts you know what you have to do, dump her she sounds awful.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 13-Jan-13 21:08:41

I think there may be a bit of butthurt in regards to your daughters being friends.

This woman seems the type to NOTICE she's getting the brush off and she is going to take it badly. She may step up her calls and attempts to connect and when it's obvious you're no longer her whipping post, she is going to be very annoyed.

sudaname Sun 13-Jan-13 21:20:30

What's not to end ? confused

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 21:28:46

Katy, I think you are right, she will notice I'm giving her the brush off. Several times, when I've not done as she wanted, or not returned her calls quick enough to her liking, she's phoned me up and asked if she's upset me, but not in a concerned way, more of a stroppy way like she's telling me off.

Mia4 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:30:18

Why are you asking if UAB? The only unreasonable thing is on yourself that you've forced yourself to put up for so long. Toxic friend...ditch her.

ivykaty44 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:38:08

Just thing of the positives if you ditch this friend

No more standing at the school gate being bored by her chat
no more her phoning you up to talk about why your dc has done xy and z to her dc
no more being let down when going to the cinema or drinks
no more unsocial hour phone calls demanding this that or the other

really your life will be much better without this extra heavy baggage grin

re write her name on your phone as:

don't answer

then you will remember to not answer the phone call wink

if she tried to stop and chat at school - now is the time to be abrupt

can't stop chatting to you

and quickly rush off

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 21:46:15

Seeing those positives listed it does sound very appealing ivykaty. I think I will feel very liberated

Have you posted about this before?

It all sounded very familiar.

Whatever, just ditch her.

HavingALittleFaithBaby Sun 13-Jan-13 21:50:49

I think your self-esteem will improve from being away from her - just spending time with someone who constantly criticises you has to be taking its toll?!

CuriousMama Sun 13-Jan-13 21:56:57

She sounds horrendous. Like a spoilt brat. Get rid.

CuriousMama Sun 13-Jan-13 21:58:58

Stop calling her friend!! She isn't one. I've had better enemies.

ChuffMuffin Sun 13-Jan-13 23:30:47

manticlimatic, I have pulled her up on her rudeness a couple of times and she says it's me that's oversensitive and that I'm hard work and not to take things so personally, when I don't feel that way with other friends, just her."

Wow. Can I ask what you're actually gaining from this friendship at this moment in time? Sounds more like you're her punching bag than a friend.

Hyperballad Sun 13-Jan-13 23:40:41

She sounds like she'd get on great with my Ex. He is just the same!

ChasedByBees Mon 14-Jan-13 00:43:00

I think if you want to ditch her, you may need to be honest (not brutal!) as she's not going to take a light brush off.

So if she phones to arrange something, I would say, 'I'd rather not - you've double booked a lot in the past and cancelled at the last minute. I haven't got much free time so I want to avoid this.' If she continues to push, 'I'll let you know but my diary is pretty busy at the moment'.

If she gets stroppy because you're doing something else and can't jump immediately, try: 'how come its ok for you not to answer the door to me even when you're busy, but when I'm busy you are aggressive in response?'

Pull her up as you withdraw and hopefully she'll get the message more clearly. You need to withdraw though - its just how to dicot without it affecting your DD. Comments about your DD's build are way out of line - you want to make sure this toxic 'friend' never makes these comments to her. Could she say something to her to get to you do you think?

Catchingmockingbirds Mon 14-Jan-13 01:21:39

Drop her.

MusicalEndorphins Mon 14-Jan-13 04:50:35

She sounds unpleasant and mean. I would not bother with her again.

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 08:42:50

ChasedbyBees, I think if I said those things she would be like a dog with a bone and would not stop until she'd managed to convince me that somehow it was all me being silly, oversensitive and daft and that it was all my fault.

CuriousMama Mon 14-Jan-13 08:45:31

Just go very cool on her. Like you say no point lighting the touch paper is there? She'll get the hint hopefully. Make yourself scarce, join WI or something, or groups if you have time. Unless she's in them wink

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 10:28:08

OK, so the plan is:

I won't answer the phone when she calls again. We have caller display on the home phone, which is where she usually phones rather than calling my mobile. If DH answers by mistake I'll tell him to relay a message to her that I'm busy but will call her back later. And then won't call...

If she collars me at the school or the shop wanting to chat I'll be in a terrible hurry and cut her short.

If she asks me to meet her or to go out for an evening with her I'll tell her I'm busy that day and that I have a busy couple of weeks ahead but I'll call her when I have more free time. And then I won't call her back.

If she speaks to me again regarding our childrens tiffs I will just say that I think we should just leave them to it to sort their own battles out. Said with a smile, of course.

I'll stop buying her children birthday presents and stop doing any favours or nice things for her.

Can anyone think of anything else?

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 14-Jan-13 10:31:11

Kill her?

Nah, not really grin

Are you friends on Facebook? If so you may want to remove her, or put her on limited profile so she can only see your basic info.

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 10:37:30

We are FB friends but she comments on anything and everything that I post. I think she'd notice if I put her on restricted access and would kick up a fuss. Think I'll let her keep seeing it all for now and then hopefully in a few months delete her.

CuriousMama Mon 14-Jan-13 10:52:46

Great plan smile How do you put people on restricted access btw? You could do it and just do what I do if people get

CuriousMama Mon 14-Jan-13 10:53:17

Great plan smile How do you put people on restricted access btw? You could do it and just do what I do if people get 'accidentally' deleted and bring it up, I just say it's FB blush

CuriousMama Mon 14-Jan-13 10:53:48

Oh and that was mn playing up, no really!! grin

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 10:58:27


Katisha Mon 14-Jan-13 11:02:44

You'll have to see how it goes but like someone said up thread, you'll probably get a lot of extra grief for a while as she objects to your behaviour.

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 11:05:14

I think if she gives me extra grief then I will end up losing my temper with her at some point and telling her a few home truths.

it makes me laugh because she has had several fall outs in recent years and all of them have told her some home truths about her behaviour yet she never takes notice and thinks it's others and not her

HavingALittleFaithBaby Mon 14-Jan-13 11:06:10

curious if you go to settings on your status update you can restrict who can see your posts - friends, Friends of friends, everyone except...*eating*, hide every couple of posts from her initially. Effectively wean her off!

ivykaty44 Mon 14-Jan-13 11:58:44

Just block her profile on facebook - it will look like you have vanished as you will not appear on any mutual friends facebook pages either and you will not see her and she will not see you.

HavingALittleFaithBaby Mon 14-Jan-13 12:02:06

I think if she blocks this woman outright she'll hound her with phone calls etc...

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 14-Jan-13 12:14:34

She sounds like an utter bitch, OP. The kind that wants hangers-on and fans, rather than true friends.

Just keep an eye on your DD's relationship with her DD as she sounds like the kind of parent that would interfere with their friendship if you and her are no longer friends.

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 13:11:30

That's what worries me a bit, SoftKitty. although my DD is pretty tough and I feel unlikely to be bullied, her DD follows in her footsteps in lots of ways and can be pretty unpleasant to other children at times.

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 13:12:49

It was her DD's party a week ago, and I turned up with my DD about 5 minutes early and her DD opened the door and said "can't you read? your invitation said 4pm not 3.55?"

That's what they are both like

LondonNinja Mon 14-Jan-13 14:24:41

Wow, she sounds like a prize wanker. Stick to your plan and if she pisses you off, maybe give her a mouthful or shake your head pityingly and tell her you have nothing else to say to her.

Best of luck extracting yourself from the toxic witch!

pluCaChange Mon 14-Jan-13 14:25:46

Wow, that's bloody rude.

Just keep making up scenarios in which you get the last word, ask her "did you mean to be so rude?", "Oversensitive, moi? When you have fallen out with sooo many people, who have managed to keep all their other friends?"

Can any of her former friendshelp you out with the bitchproofing? grin

The adrenaline kicks will give you confidence for the inevitable unpleasantness with her.

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 16:20:58

She has just tried to phone but I didn't pick the call up! Thank goodness for caller display!

Mia4 Mon 14-Jan-13 18:39:43

OP since it looks like her daughter is becoming a chip off the old block I would make sure to talk to your daughter, encourage her to make other friends too and let you know if she feels bullied or uncomfy too. I'd also tell your friends who may get hasselled by her about you.

Personally, I'd just keep on top of the ignoring. Don't ask your DH to relay messages, get him to say 'i'll let her know you've called' bo 'i'll get her to call back-just passing on message and beware she may try to have a go on fb so just be prepared to be the same there-I'm busy etc.

Mia4 Mon 14-Jan-13 18:40:22

*not not bo

CuriousMama Mon 14-Jan-13 19:33:01

One step at a time.

Her dd sounds appalling I'd go off it if my dc said something like that, did the mum hear her?

LifeofPo Wed 16-Jan-13 21:11:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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