To be upset that DP has just called me XW name?

(63 Posts)
PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 18:06:51

I asked a question about whether he had heard from friend who was supposed to be coming to ours tonight. In his answer he called me XW name. I was absolutely aghast and repeated the name. My DS was in room and sort of laughed in shock.

DP was enraged at me! He ranted at me as thought I'd said something wrong. I was incredulous, I said (calmly) why are you shouting at me, I haven't said anything, shouldn't you be apologising? He ranted on about being on the phone to Sky all afternoon as though that was an excuse. He then brought up my XP and said (yelled) that I talked about him enough (this really is untrue, I have no interest whatsoever in XP and never refer to him, I never see him, never hear from him and am grateful). He then said he was going to apologise but I went off on one before he got the words out. The only two things I said were as stated above.

He said that if I had a problem with him calling me that then that was my shit and nothing to do with him. He left the room, I looked at DS, both of looking completely bewildered, DS said "massive over-reaction, I just thought it would've been laughed off."

missmatched Sun 13-Jan-13 18:15:10

No your not bu.

Bloody men,it must be were the moon is I had my head bitten off before because I asked are you makeing toast.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 13-Jan-13 18:16:45

Your DS has the measure of it,your DP over reacted massively.

It's easy to slip up if you have spent a long time with a person,my DM called my DSD my DD's name once or twice when they hadn't been together that long, she just apologised and they laughed it off.

FogClearing Sun 13-Jan-13 18:17:36

He must have been thunking of her and went ott defencively at being picked up on it. Is he still in love with her?


I think he did over react, however, I nearly get names wrong all the time - v often I get a "phew that was close" feeling! It means nothing but I know it's irritating to be on the receiving end!

LPplusOne Sun 13-Jan-13 18:19:36

At least it wasn't while in bed together!

waltermittymistletoe Sun 13-Jan-13 18:20:34

I don't understand why he shouted at you?!

HecatePropolos Sun 13-Jan-13 18:20:45


Why did he overreact like that?

NatashaBee Sun 13-Jan-13 18:20:48

I'd be fine about it if it was followed by an apology - your partner was an arse about it though.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 18:25:49

I honestly have no idea why he shouted or reacted like that. I am in still in shock about it. He not the type to apologise for anything. He is more likely to try and explain it away rather than say he was wrong.

lpplusone ha yes I suppose I should be grateful for that. Mind, it's a wonder he didn't say that!

StuntGirl Sun 13-Jan-13 18:30:26

He sounds like he got defensive and so got angry. HWBU.

ReindeerBollocks Sun 13-Jan-13 18:31:17

Weird overreaction on his part. That's the worst way to react!

You did nothing wrong - he is being an arse about it. Your DS sounds very clued up though.

JustFabulous Sun 13-Jan-13 18:34:12

Total over reaction on his part but it is so easy to get the name wrong. I have been known to call my dd the cats name and often get my children's names wrong.

You were wrong to have a tantrum when he was about to apologise though. Why did you?

HecatePropolos Sun 13-Jan-13 18:34:15

Does he routinely shout and yell at you and try to make everything your fault? Or is this something you've not seen before?

PandaOnAPushBike Sun 13-Jan-13 18:34:52

I've done this several times. Nothing to do with thinking of the ex or still being in love with the ex at all. Lots to do with getting older and brain being slightly fuddled. Thankfully my ex has the same name as my brother so I manage to slip under the radar.

I also frequently call my daughter by the dog's name. That one's not so easy to get away with. grin

HecatePropolos Sun 13-Jan-13 18:36:57

She didn't, Fab. He just claims that he was about to apologise when she 'had a tantrum' - but what she describes as her reaction isn't a tantrum. A shocked face and saying "jane?" (or whatever) isn't a tantrum. Then he started on her. Then she asked him why he was yelling.

to me, it seems like he said that (I was going to apologise but... blah blah blah...) to make her the bad guy.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 13-Jan-13 18:37:13

Fair enough, Panda, but do you then shout at DD for noticing you called her by the wrong name?

greenplastictrees Sun 13-Jan-13 18:40:49

I expect your DH was probably embarrassed and that's why he over reacted. Still, no excuse for reacting like that. Can you be the bigger person, go and tell him you aren't annoyed about the name although are a little miffed about his reaction and ask him about it. I'd like to think he'd apologise at that stage!

JustFabulous Sun 13-Jan-13 18:41:24

" He then said he was going to apologise but I went off on one before he got the words out."

Hecate, that is what I meant. It reads as he said^ I am going to apologise.^ She then strops.

It could also read as he said I was going to apologise but you went off on one.... on second reading.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 18:42:04

hecate no he doesn't shout and yell at all, I can't remember him ever shouting like that. He can be a bit arsey sometimes. He is very thoughtful and the only 'excuse' for him (that I can come up with) is that he had rung Sky and sorted out HD, new box, package etc., he just did this, not asked to or anything. The call did take ages, as they do. So I believe he thought that he had done something that we would be really happy with and then it all went tits up and his good deed was spoiled. Maybe I'm clutching at straws but as DS observed 'massive over-reaction'.

As I said, he is not good at apologising and not very humble. He's very good at twisting things around when he's said something not quite right.

NewYearNewNagoo Sun 13-Jan-13 18:42:48

That was a massive over-reaction.

DH did it once, and I have done it, fairly early in the relationship. We shrugged it off, it's easily done I think.

It's not like you were shagging.

Why did he get so angry? Has he apologised yet? Is there a lot of history that would make this an especially terrible mistake?

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 18:43:30

hecate spot on with how it happened.

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 13-Jan-13 18:47:25

Sounds like you both massively over reacted.
Does it really bother you that much he called you by his ex's name?
I do it all the time with ds, the cats, my dog, hell everybody.


skullcandy Sun 13-Jan-13 18:49:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 18:50:04

Since it happened (bout 2hours ago), we haven't spoke. I continued to make tea for me and DS (DP having something separate, hence question about friend arriving).

Friend arrived and they are sat in kitchen, I am in living room. They will be going out to a meeting very soon. However, I will be amazed if he apologises, if he does bring it up at all -it will be trying to explain it away.

HollyBerryBush Sun 13-Jan-13 18:50:58

Why were you aghast?

I'd have laughed to diffuse it

PippinWoo Sun 13-Jan-13 18:53:21

I have to admit to very nearly calling my DFiance by my ExH's name but just stopped myself in time before it came out... I think I got as far as the first letter. I can assure you I wasn't thinking about my ExH and really don't have any interest in him any more and totally love my DF. I think it's easily done.

Having said that, your DP's reaction was totally inappropriate and YANBU to be upset with his reaction. I'd be apologising immediately if I'd done that and trying to laugh it off because it was probably an innocent mistake in the first place. Why make it a big deal like he did?

HecatePropolos Sun 13-Jan-13 18:53:46

It doesn't sound like it - initially - bothered her that much.

Saying the name isn't beating her chest and wailing grin

His reaction to her repeating the name is what caused the situation.

Mandy and Jim in the living room
Here you go Jane
shock Jane?
why are you yelling? I haven't said anything, shouldn't you apologise ...


I mean, I'd be doing a great deal of WTF at that!

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 18:56:45

Skull I didn't demand an apology.

I just said "Jane??" as in 'Jane WTF'. He then started ranting and shouting, I said "why are you shouting at me, I haven't said anything wrong, shouldn't you be apologising?" I said this in as calm a manner as I possibly could, so as not to inflame the situation any further. But I was really upset, on verge of tears. I am hurt by it really but I guess that's why I am asking the AIBU question.

If he'd have said straight away "oh shit sorry, I was just remembering/thinking about XYZ". Then it would've been over and done with.

I am the most unconfrontational person I know, I am a bit pathetic in standing up for myself sometimes.

HecatePropolos Sun 13-Jan-13 18:58:29

I would have demanded an apology for being shouted at, Penelope. There was no need for it.

PandaOnAPushBike Sun 13-Jan-13 18:58:31

Fair enough, Panda, but do you then shout at DD for noticing you called her by the wrong name?

No, that bit is a bit weird admittedly. I would imagine it's because he felt stupid and was trying to deflect. He should be apologising for that part.

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 13-Jan-13 19:00:31

She said she was 'absolutely aghast' Hecate.
I call that being bothered.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 19:02:28

Thanks for all this. I can see that me saying "Jane??" probably did cause the reaction, but the reaction was still way over the top. Like I was completely out of order for being upset.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 19:03:52

lady and holly yes I was aghast. His XW is a nasty piece of work.

quoteunquote Sun 13-Jan-13 19:03:55

An engineer I work with occasionally, only goes out with women called Anna, he has been out with three girl friends called Anna, then married two, on the second one now,

I sure he does it to avoid these sort of problems.

bubby64 Sun 13-Jan-13 19:05:53

OP, My DH can react like this, but his "excuse" is that he has High functioning Aspergers, that is the only reason I would accept for this kind of overreaction to your simple request for an apology.

HecatePropolos Sun 13-Jan-13 19:06:32

Yes, I think it's just that my take on 'absolutely aghast' is different. Sort of flowery language rather than meaning she was shaken and shocked to the core, iyswim. grin

I'm absolutely aghast at many things grin I interpreted it as a 'what the bloody hell did he just call me...' rather than a pass the smelling salts moment grin

Not to hijack Penny's situation blush but it's really interesting how differently people can interpret the same words. Same words but we all see something totally different.

HollyBerryBush Sun 13-Jan-13 19:08:44

I have to say, I call the cat by DS3's name - neither he nor the cat seems to mind much!!!

My GM used toi run through every female name in the family before she got to the right one and I find myself doing it now too hmm

Names are a habit, it doesnt mean you are even thinking about the person for their name to pop out

iago Sun 13-Jan-13 20:01:15

I'm at an age when I call my daughter by my sister's name and my son by my brother's (rarer since I see them less)
HBBush My mother used to call the four of us by the initial sound of our names in varying order but the last one she called was the one she wanted. She always made it our fault though adding 'You know who I mean!' Bless her, I miss her so much, especially when people moan about their mothers.
Back to topic. I have been with my OH for longer than my ex, but still have to rip up the occasional card when I write 'Love from iago and ex'. OH signs most of our cards, ex didn't. What I am saying is getting the name wrong in normal routine circumstances doesn't mean he is thinking of/yearning for her.
In the throes of passion, however, would be a bit different!

quietbatperson Sun 13-Jan-13 20:51:28

You aren't the person who's shacked up with my father are you Penelope? He's Glaswegian, will be 70 this year (although may have fibbed massively about his age) and does exactly this grin (if you are, you are welcome to him BTW, my mother and I really don't want him back)

It sounds like he massively over-reacted. Does he often blame you for his mistakes?

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 21:03:15

Ha ha batperson no def not me.

No he doesn't blame me for his mistakes, but that's because he doesn't make any, it's everyone else not quite understanding what he meant!

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 21:10:19

Er, he sounds like a prick. Not for saying the wrong name but for reacting like that, and for never apologising within your relationship.

The sky thing - yes he did a good thing, but it wasn't an act of altruism was it? I assume he'll be watching the tv too!

YANBU. He sounds really difficult. Don't know how old your son is but he sounds a great deal nicer and more mature!

mayorquimby Sun 13-Jan-13 21:12:54

"Your DS has the measure of it,"
as her ds said
""massive over-reaction, I just thought it would've been laughed off.""

but instead this happened
"I was absolutely aghast and repeated the name."

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 21:19:23

Exactly mayor. The OP responded with surprise and basically went, "wha?!"

Then her OH over-reacted aggressively.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 21:20:49

marilyn DS is 19 and is a good lad.

major the responses on here have made me think that my reaction was OTT, I'm not happy, but with hindsight I think I made a meal of it, although it was just one word, the way I said it left no room for misinterpretation. DS's response could well have referred to me just as much as DP.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 13-Jan-13 21:30:27

Ask your DS what he meant - bet he said 'massive overreaction' to your H's outburst. Calling you Jane was a mistake but he needs to apologise for yelling at you. That is completely unacceptable IMO. Don't think this is your fault, of course it isn't. If someone called me a name that wasn't mine I'd be responding along the lines of 'Jane?!' too, especially if it was my H's exW's name.

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 21:33:30

I don't know Penelope. Your OH could have just gone, "shit, sorry!! Aargh where did that come from?!" And grin desperately. Instead he blew up. Doesn't sound to me like its your fault, really...if you really did just repeat the name and look/sound shocked.

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 21:35:14

Yes, ask your DS who he thought was over-reacting, perhaps? He'll have been the most objective person there I guess.

PenelopePisstop Sun 13-Jan-13 21:46:15

I've just asked him. I said "who did you think over reacted earlier me or DP". He said "I didn't think you reacted at all, it was really strange how he was over such a tiny thing", then he shrugged.

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 22:35:38

Yes, that's how it seemed.

You and your DH need to talk about why he reacted like that. And he needs to say sorry!

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 22:36:18

Sorry, DP not DH.

Schooldidi Sun 13-Jan-13 22:47:58

I called my sister my dd's name the other day, and gave her quite a bossy command at the same time (because I am stupid enough to have actually thought I was talking to dd rather than a grown adult blush. She called me an idiot and I apologised, profusely, many times because I couldn't believe how stupid I could be. Nobody shouted, nobody went off in a strop, we all had a massive giggle.

I wouldn't like being shouted at just for pointing out that dp had called me the wrong name.

Permanentlyexhausted Sun 13-Jan-13 22:56:22

I have called my dog by my DD's name at least twice today. Neither the dog not the daughter looked aghast at me nor demanded an apology.

It sounds like you over-reacted slightly so he over-reacted out of embarrassment.

Pigsmummy Sun 13-Jan-13 23:00:08

Call him "big dick". When he asks why just calmly say "well I thought that we were using names of our ex's"

MarilynValentine Sun 13-Jan-13 23:05:55

Pigsmummy grin

Permanently - calling your dog by your DD's name is different to calling your partner your ex's name.

If my DH called me by his ex's name I would certainly say, "whaaaaat?!" And expect an apology. I think anyone half decent would know enough to say, "Shit! Sorry!!" It doesn't have to be a big deal but I think it's ok to expect a sorry. And not a massive irrational reaction about nothing relevant.

Smellslikecatspee Sun 13-Jan-13 23:12:09


I'm one of 8 kids, I'm so used to being called by other peoples names. One aunt just recites the names till you react

I have also been known to call OH by the cats name and hes done the same grin.
This for us usually means we both start giggling not shouting. . . .

MrsBungleBear Sun 13-Jan-13 23:16:06

My Dh called me his ex girlfriends name once.

It.was about 8 years ago.and we'd been together about 4 months. He was with ex 8 years and had split with her bout 6 months before.

In my.context he was on the phone to his mum telling her about a restaurant we had been to. He said "I had lasagne, ex girlfriend name had pasta"

I gasped and he stuttered over the rest of the conversation.

He was really angry at himself. He felt embarrassed and felt like he had offended me.

It was just habit I think. He had had 8 years of saying me and ex name that he just out of habit said her name. He was mortified.

I think.your dp over reacted but was probably embarrassed. I don't think it means for a minute he was thinking of her or such like.

MrsBungleBear Sun 13-Jan-13 23:18:02

I.also go.through the names of Dh and kids before I get to.the right name. That's not the same, though, as calling your partner by your ex's name which is prob why he got embarrassed and over reacted.

Permanentlyexhausted Sun 13-Jan-13 23:24:58

Hahahaha, Marilyn

Thanks! I would never have worked that out for myself. It's lucky you're here to point out what was very obviously a tongue-in-cheek response simply highlighting what I consider to be an over reaction by the OP.

Thanks so much for setting me straight.

Although I would have thought the part about the dog not looking aghast might have been the giveaway for most people


JusticeCrab Mon 14-Jan-13 02:47:03

Ugh. It doesn't sound like you were actually upset at the use of the name - and for me, that isn't a reasonable thing to be upset about (it's just a slip of the tongue, and nothing more than that). What is upsetting is your DP's childish response, for which he should be ostracised for a given length of time.

If I shout at my DW it results in testicular pain of the acute type.

thatisall Mon 14-Jan-13 02:53:48

He's probably worried about what you might read into the slip of the tongue but yes definitely an over reaction.

Can I say it???
Leave the bastard.


MarilynValentine Mon 14-Jan-13 09:08:37

Ok Permanently!

You did seem to be saying 'everyone makes these mistakes, I did this, you overreacted', though.

Turns out it was just a brilliant bit of humour! grin


My DH called me by XW name once, but he was half-asleep. I jokingly slapped his shoulder and said "Call me that name again and I'll hit you a lot harder than that!" He just apologised and gave me a very sincere hug.

It's always jarring to be called by an XP's name, but it does happen (especially if your names are similar/start with the same letter like mine and DH's XW), so forget it - it's his reaction that is upsetting and confusing here.

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