AIBU or is DH - we seem to have totally different approaches to parenting and I didn't see this coming

(136 Posts)
PenelopeChipShop Sun 13-Jan-13 08:24:06

Am a bit scared of posting in here but I really need other opinions / perspective and can't exactly moan about this at the NCT group. Our DS1 is 6 months old and lately DH and I seem to disagree all the time on how to handle him, mainly his sleep rather than anything else. He's not a good sleeper - settles fairly well in his cot in his room at 7pm then needs a feed between 10 and 11, then one at about 1am, then he wakes every 1.5 to 2 hours needing resettling (9 times out of 10 this is with a feed) until he's up for the day at around 5.30 or 6am. Although this is tough I gather its fairly typical for his age? On week nights I do all the night time duty as DH works full time - I guess this is reasonable. However in practice I get up on weekend nights as well and DH only helps if DS won't settle - I think this just evolved because he always seemed to need feeding above anything else and he is ebf. We did try to introduce bottles of expressed milk early but he never really took to them and I struggled to find time to express every day so that DH could try bottles regularly, with the result that he now doesn't 'get' them at all. I'm working on introducing cups but that wouldn't be practical for night feeds yet so I have to do them. I am happy with this as bf-ing has always worked well for me and I enjoy it.
The problem I suppose is that DH seems unhappy with how we/ I have managed things - he thinks ds is too reliant on me, that I feed him too often in the night, shouldn't let him fall asleep on the boob at 7pm as he isn't learning to self settle, and that we should be giving at least a bottle of formula a day, ideally late at night so ds will sleep longer. I don't have a problem with that last one at all but it just isn't working out as he doesn't do bottles. Dh also thinks I should be starting to wean him off the boob in general but I don't think either of us are ready. What we are rowing over is how to soothe ds when he is really fractious - I generally start with a cuddle but inevitably he will ask for a comfort feed and I always give it - I have always fed on demand, it's just what feels right to me. DH thinks I indulge him. I think that comfort is just as good a reason to feed as hunger. Last night this came to a head with DH physically barring me from approaching the cot and picking ds up as he cried. He said he knew I would feed him and that he was 'putting his foot down' and that I couldn't feed him til his 'average' time of 10.30pm (it was about an hour to wait). Admittedly I don't think ds was hungry from his cry but I wanted to comfort him as I thin he was teething - after giving the usual remedies he likes to suck to relax. DH insisted on just picking up and putting down until he cracked at about 10.20 and 'allowed' me to feed ds. By then he was completely worked up and wouldn't settle even after the feed - we were up til 1am which is v unusual. All exhausted today. I know his wakefulness might not be entirely down to DH's intervention as he is teething too but it certainly didn't help. DH thinks I am being controlling in not letting him try to comfort ds himself. I am outraged that he prevented me from feeding ds when I felt he needed it resulting in a very upset baby. This is sad in a way as we are not trying to do our best but I saw a very controlling, domineering side to him last night that I have literally never seen before - he is usually a very easy going, gentle person. So Was I being unreasonable not to give him a chance to help last night without interfering? Or should he not have made me go against my instincts to feed? I just find it so hard to listen to ds cry when I know I can make it better, but DH interprets this as a criticism of him. Good grief sorry this is long. Just so confused this morning and knackered.

ThereGoesTheYear Sun 13-Jan-13 08:30:51

I can't get over the fact that he physically barred you from approaching the cot to comfort your son. This is outrageous. Has he apologised this morning for bullying you?

Grapesoda Sun 13-Jan-13 08:33:55

I was all ready to say that you just have different opinions.
But in this case he is BU?
It may pass but you need to have a word.

Bananapickle Sun 13-Jan-13 08:36:59

Hmmm...yes he barred you one time from getting to your DS but you have said in our own words that you don't let your DH comfort your DS, so you're both trying to push your own views on each other.
Obviously things aren't working as they are for you as a couple so you need to have a conversation when emotions arent running so high and your DS isnt screaming.
You say your DH is usually a easy going person, the fact that he snapped should speak volumes as to how unhappy he is with the situation. I'm not saying he's necessarily right but it definitely means you need to be listening to him more.
YANBU to be upset that he barred you but YABU to let it get to the point where DH feels he needed to in order to make you listen.

I'm so sorry, it sounds really hard. I know it's frustrating with the sleep, my DD is the same age, some nights she wakes just like you describe and let's face it, boob is the easiest and quickest way to settle them isnt it? I am also starting to look into other ways of doing things but I wonder if you can make this an opportunity for you and your DH to research things together to agree on a strategy going forward? Then you can both be involved. But I think you need to say very strongly that you are deeply unhappy that he stopped you from going to your DS and you want him to promise he won't do it again. 6 months is still so, so young and and I believe these babies still just need comfort and are too young to be introduced to any kind of being left/prolonged crying type solutions. Can you two sit down and talk and try to find a way forward together?

AlbertaCampion Sun 13-Jan-13 08:37:47

I think it's difficult because I can see both points of view - and both of you truly believe you're in the right!

BUT

I think all bets are off when your DS is teething. That's go with the flow time, and do whatever it takes to make him comfortable, so I think your DH was in the wrong here.

Down the line though, I'd put some time and energy into getting him to self-settle. I wouldn't like to have a 6mo who would still only fall asleep on the boob. It's a pain! That's personal preference though: there's not really any "right" or "wrong", but I do agree with your DH on this count.

If it's any consolation, my DH and I had many similar arguments about our DC! Par for the course, I reckon, but my advice is to find a happy medium. smile

strumpetpumpkin Sun 13-Jan-13 08:38:10

i think he's within his rights to say that something needs to be done about his waking all hours. that Will affect all of you and its not necessary for him to feed every hour and a half at 6 months +
i think he was fairly clumsy about it but you need to have a good talk about some proper tactics. I think its completely normal to not sleep through the night at that age, but that amount of wakenings must just be exhausting for you all and it just looks like he's cracked first.

nilbyname Sun 13-Jan-13 08:41:26

He barred you from the cot?? Your 6m baby was screaming and no one was cuddling him??

shock He sounds like a complete fucking shit, I would be livid and I would be at my mums. Is he sorry/shamed?

You have very parenting approaches, you need to work out what to do for the best for your baby.

SavoyCabbage Sun 13-Jan-13 08:41:38

I think he's just trying to get in in the act so to speak. There he is, the new father, and he can't give his son any comfort (or so he feels). I think he just wanted to be the one to comfort him. Although I would be cross with him if I was you, I would also e understanding.

I failed miserably as breast feeding and it was horrible as it felt like I was failing my precious tiny baby. She was crying and crying and I could do nothing.

Soon there will be plenty for your dh to get involved with. Breast feeding is just one tiny, tiny part of bringing up a child. Perhaps you could talk with him about all the things he can do. Can e be in total charge of bath time for example.

PebblePots Sun 13-Jan-13 08:42:39

That sounds so hard, & I would feel upset too if my dh took that approach. Suggest you & dh need to talk & decide your strategy so it's not all coming to a head in the heat of the moment when you're trying to deal with a wakeful baby.

My dh has in the past tried to 'fix' things & insisting I leave him to it. Sometimes I do & have realised he's right, sometimes I have disagreed.

Not sure why your dh is so bothered since you do all the nights & are happy with that. I'd say go with your mother's instincts on this one, I think you are right. Hopefully your baby will naturally need fewer feeds in the night as he gets older & will learn to settle himself.

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 13-Jan-13 08:43:26

Your baby needs you at night.

Throughout most of the world babies of this age are co sleeping and getting the comfort they need. It may work for you with the frequent 'wakings'

This is normal human behaviour, not your baby 'trying it on' (ask any anthropologist).

Would your DH read any books to help change his rather odd view of how to treat babies?

SavoyCabbage Sun 13-Jan-13 08:43:44

Penelope's dh picked the baby up when he was crying.

JellyMould Sun 13-Jan-13 08:43:44

Wow. He certainly seems to be worked up about it. Can he articulate what harm he thinks it will do if you feed the baby?

Fwiw, your DS probably would sleep a bit better if you worked on self settling, but its early days and things will a change a lot in the next few months. since you deal with nights it's surely not your husbands problem? My DS was very similar to yours and I fed on demand till just over a year, when I sleep trained with not much fuss. My dd is nearly 6 months now and is a better sleeper, even though I have still fed in the same way.

Bottleoffish Sun 13-Jan-13 08:44:34

YANBU. You're right, this waking is normal and to deny comfort to a baby, especially a teething one, is very cruel.

You obviously need to talk. Can you both have a read of the following website for reassurance?

www.isisonline.org.uk/how_babies_sleep/

Sirzy Sun 13-Jan-13 08:44:52

I agree with banana.

Although it wasn't the right way he is trying to help and trying to be involved. You need to work together not against each other.

LoopsInHoops Sun 13-Jan-13 08:45:04

We've all been there. I certainly have with DH, both times round. I think it's totally normal.

I think you're both exhausted and at the end of your tether, therefore you are both being unreasonable.

With older DD we tried every day for months with the 10pm formula feed thing. She slept through before she started accepting bottles (9 months).

With younger DD I worked full time and had an evening job and other voluntary commitments - job from 5 motnhs, rest from birth, so H had to be able to settle her. I had to trust him to do it his way (against my instincts with regard to feeding, crying etc.) and it made for a far easier babyhood.

McPhee Sun 13-Jan-13 08:46:45

Although your DH has been a bit of an arse, I can kind of see where he is coming from. But his approach was all wrong, probably out of frustration. It sounds like you've all got yourselves in to a bit of a pattern, that is getting harder to manage/break. My Dd is 6 months, and only feeds on average once/twice a night. Could you work on him learning how to self settle? I think the trick is to try and put them down whilst their still awake, which sometimes isn't easy. Especially when they fall asleep on the breast.

Like others have said, your DH shouldn't have barred you from approaching the cot. That was a bit strong, but I think now is the time to be proactive before it makes things difficult between you all.

Ineedacoffee Sun 13-Jan-13 08:50:38

His behaviour last night was totally unreasonable and he should be apologising ALOT, however some of his ideas are worth thinking about. Although what you describe is not that unusual in some 6 month olds, a lot of them do sleep alot better than this and you would all feel better with more sleep.

A few points that struck me:
You need to talk and agree a plan in the daytime, Not at night while the baby is crying
If DH wants him to take a bottle HE needs to take ownership of this and try one every day. Much more difficult for you to give it.
Some will advocate CC at this age but you both have to be on board and it is hard.
PUPD is hard for different reasons - you need the patience of a saint and to be very consistent.
NOTHING will work overnight, it takes time.
Teething is not the time to be trying anysort of sleep training - you need a well, happy baby to start with.
Things change - you are at weaning age which may make a difference?
He is right that the baby doesn't need milk every 1-2 hrs but it is hard to break the habit. How are his naps? do you feedto sleep then too? They may be the place to start.

None of this is condoning what he did last night, just some toughts about what might help to think about. Sorry if disjointed - I'm also feeding while typing!

pixi2 Sun 13-Jan-13 08:51:31

Grab a takeaway coffee, go for a walk without ds if poss and talk. At this age dh would get ds, change his nappy and pass him to me to bf and settle. Same with dd. dh is much stricter than I Amanda it's hard to stand by when he is disciplining a tired 3 yr old but we have to support each other. Ds is 3 and dh now adores teaching him football and rugby skills. You need to remind dh that this tired baby stage isn't forever.

pixi2 Sun 13-Jan-13 08:52:34

Sorry, stupid phone. Not Amanda but 'and'

PenelopeChipShop Sun 13-Jan-13 08:54:16

Theregoes - no he hasn't but we haven't really had the energy to talk yet. I hope he will. We clearly need to talk but its so hard to find an opportunity and I don't want to argue in front of ds.

Banana - thank you, your post has really made me think. I am really angry with him but its a good point that he must have been feeling desperate to crack like that.

This is just so hard. I may be over reacting but when we disagree like this I just don't know how to go forwArd. I don't think DH would suggest controlled crying (he doesn't read baby books at all so probably hasn't heard of it) but he isn't averse to letting him cry a bit in the cot without talking to him, whereas it physically hurts me to see him do that. That's why I come and interrupt and say 'pick him up'... I just can't stop myself. But DH ten thinks I am not trusting him to take care of ds.

NotMostPeople Sun 13-Jan-13 08:55:57

I think your DH has a point, ok he probably didn't deal with it in the best way but it sounds like he has tried to talk to you about it and got frustrated. If you know your baby is sucking for comfort rather than because he's hungry then at what point are you going to teach him to self settle? The longer you leave it the harder it's going to be.

If you don't want him to keep waking in the night then you are going to have to go through a period of adjustment while he learns to settle and this can be done. It's is hard and he will cry. Honestly it's a choice go through the transition of teaching him to sleep which will be hard for a while or continue as you are.

CaptainNancy Sun 13-Jan-13 08:57:10

Your poor son- he may be having a growth spurt!
Your dh was being unreasonable to prevent you from comforting your son, however you need to be very wary of feeding your baby for comfort rather than hunger- his patterns of eating for life are being laid down now, and I'm sure you want him to eat healthily, but find comfort from other sources as appropriate.
It's different with newborns obviously, and they usually do need boob all the time grin however, by this age they really can go longer and it's important that he gets comfort in other ways, i'd also suggest that it's important he finds comfort with other people too, simply to help you over the next few years...v difficult if he only seeks it from 1 parent.
Now he's old enough to start food, it would be a good idea to get his father heavily involved I that (even if it's just weekend for now).
I do think you need to discuss this with your husband- he took a unilateral step last night, he hadn't mentioned he was going to do that and he should have discussed approaches with you first, and you don't want that to happen again.

Tailtwister Sun 13-Jan-13 08:58:56

You have and continue to respond to your baby's needs. You have done nothing wrong. Your DH is completely out of order to physically stop you from comforting your baby. He needs to take a good look at himself and grow up imo. He also owes you a huge apology.

He needs to understand that your baby's current behaviour is totally normal. His on the other hand is not.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sun 13-Jan-13 09:00:19

My dh and i have different aporoaches. He was the indulgent one, i am the firm one. To be fair things are better recently, but our differences in discipline and sleeping have led to totally inconsistent parenting and our son is a dreadful sleeper even though hes almost three, because he knows hell be comforted by daddy at any time in the night. We both regret being so soft on our son re sleeping tbh and will be cc for next child. (being sick is a different matter)

You need to meet in the middle, and stick to it. The strain and frustration when you each feel that the other is wrong is unreal and it has definately strained our relationship.

ScalesAndMirrorsLie Sun 13-Jan-13 09:01:51

You need to talk to your dh and set some agrees guidelines.

He absolutely should never, ever, stop you from going to your son to settle him. Ever.

If using bf to soothe, settle and comfort your lo feels right for you then continue doing it.

Having a bottle of formula will not make baby sleep longer.

You need to get a happy medium between the two of you.

Your ds will be using your boobs as comfort when he wakes-who wouldn't like a warm, soft, comforting boob cuddle? But every 1.5-2 hours at 6 mo is a bit much ime. He won't be hungry all of those times.

Maybe, say, from 3am to 5am you refuse a bf (or whatever one you think) and get your dh to settle him everyday at this time. It will give your dh an opportunity to try and settle ds himself, give you a break, and will get ds going a little longer between that feed. Then gradually, or when it feels right, extend that time period so he goes 3 hours between feeds.

But you'll get better bf advice on the bf threads.

But you do need a happy medium with your dh. Ds is not just yours and a lot of men take a long time to adjust to the new change if dynamics in a relationship when a new baby comes. So you both need to compromise. But if you're happy to keep bf then keep doing it.

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 13-Jan-13 09:02:27

Why should the baby be forced to take a bottle or 'learn' how to self settle just because the dad has some strange ideas about normal baby behaviour?

Op, your baby's need for you and your need to comfort/feed your baby are normal. You can't train a baby not to need it's mother.

This will pass and your baby will need you less in this way (but probably more in other ways) as time goes by.

Places where babies co sleep tend to have strong family bonds and fewer mental issues from being brought up in our detached western style

BinksToEnlightenment Sun 13-Jan-13 09:02:59

I agree that you are both being unreasonable - but it is so so so understandable.

You have this little defenseless baby bellowing like a fog horn at you, you're both supposed to be psychic and just know how to fix everything and you're both tired and stressed.

Getting angry with the situation and with each other is normal.

It really doesn't matter how you get through this time. Neither of you are right. The baby just grows up and stops being so dependant on you. And learns to say I'm thirsty or I want a cuddle. Until then, you're just guessing.

I think since you're breastfeeding though, you should probably dictate the feeding schedule for now.

myroomisatip Sun 13-Jan-13 09:03:18

I agree with Bottleoffish. I think that was a very cruel thing to do and also, if you are upset then your baby will sense that and it will only make matters worse.

If my husband had done that I would have been absolutely furious and he would certainly never do it again!

Every baby is different and what works for one won't necessarily work for another. But you do need to find a way to agree on something but baby must come first.

Tailtwister Sun 13-Jan-13 09:03:37

It's totally normal for a bf baby to suck for comfort NotMostPeople. That's why people use dummies as a substitute for the breast.

CaptainNancy - what are you trying to say> That bf a baby for comfort will make them over eat and obese in later life? What a load of nonsense! Where's your evidence for that?

Babies self settle when they are ready.

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 13-Jan-13 09:04:10

Babies can't tell the time and wouldn't understand why they could have a feed at some times but not others

AmberLeaf Sun 13-Jan-13 09:06:28

YANBU your DH is.

Im appalled TBH and it sounds like its much more about how your DH feels than what your baby needs.

How did he think it would be with a baby in the house? he needs to grow up

strumpetpumpkin Sun 13-Jan-13 09:10:32

not co sleeping doesn't mean detached
co sleeping does not mean your child wont have issues.
people in many third world countries where co sleeping is the norm have mental issues as much as anyone else

NotMostPeople Sun 13-Jan-13 09:10:56

Tailtwister I know that I have had three bf babies.

I also had three babies who mostly slept through by six months. I am not suggesting that your baby needs to learn not to need its mother that's a very emotive take in the situation. I think that if a baby has an established routine whereby it wakes numerous times in the night and is fed and cuddled each time it's going to continue to do this. You will be still posting and saying you have a three year old who doesn't sleep very well. If you really believe that this is the best way that's up to you but I can see why the op's DH may well get fed up with it.

jojane Sun 13-Jan-13 09:11:06

I have 3 children, I exclusively breastfed all of them on demand until 12 months old or thereabouts. They woke several times a night and I would normally feed them to sleep again. When I then weaned them off the breast they all slept through after about a week. Just trying to say that feeding a 6 month on demand at night isn't going to ruin their sleep forever.

bigkidsdidit Sun 13-Jan-13 09:11:56

It's hard when you are both sleep deprived and frustrated and I can see both of your sides.

My DS was the same and at 6 months we very gently taught him to self settle over the course of 6 weeks or so (only feeding every three hours ish at night, letting DH comfort him in between, cuddling and singing etc rather than automatically boob). As soon as I stopped feeding more than once a night he slept through and has done ever since.

If you want to carry on as you are obviously that it your prerogative but your DH must want to help and be an equal parent and comfort his own child. And might see you exhausted and feel bad - so don't jump all over him, he is likely desperate too.

littlestressy Sun 13-Jan-13 09:12:03

This is really hard, I can see your point of view but also your DH. It is totally totally normal behaviour at this age and when your baby is crying you want to comfort them in whatever way you normally use, for your DS, just like so many other babies that is a breastfeed. It is also good though to try and get your DH to help comfort him...what if you weren't there and he wad upset, your DH needs to be able to cope too.
What you need to do is sit down with your husband, let someone look after your son for an hour or two so you can talk alone. He probably sees you getting up all night long and wants to help...but isn't sure how to do it. Obviously the physical barring from crying baby last night was wrong and you need to explain why it is wrong.
Does he feel left out? Does he want you to get more rest? You need to talk to him to understand what he thinks and discuss your differing approaches as calmly as possible.
However don't let him make you wean your DS off the breast until both you and he are ready, sleep will come in its own good time, whether you decide to do sleep training or not. You can breastfeed successfully until he is much older, it won't mean he will still wake every 2 hours.

I feel for you - similar rows with my dh too.

Ds was mix fed and if he woke up & dh was meant to be on duty he would immediately make him a bottle of formula he didn't need which irritated me as I was trying to keep him to only a bottle at bedtime.

We tried it this way as also have 3 dds who needed us at bedtime & I found it easier to share the load by doing a bottle then.

In the night I knew if I lay ds down in bed with me with my top up he would just sort himself out and we would all get more sleep but dh didn't like the co sleeping either..

Could/do you leave ds with dh for an hour or so during the day?

Sirzy Sun 13-Jan-13 09:13:10

When your husband is around during the day how much does he do for your son?

PenelopeChipShop Sun 13-Jan-13 09:14:32

Thank you all for replying especially to such a rambling post . I am considering everything that's been said. I am going to make it clear that he absolutely can not do what he did last night again but possibly I also need to let him have more time to try to comfort ds himself. I just know I will struggle because if I'm not in there I hear things go quiet and think ok, it's in hand - then ds starts crying again so my ears prick up and if it quickly escalates I KNOW it's because he has been put in the cot and left for a bit to self settle, which he won't do. So I go in wanting to cuddle ds and DH gets mad and says I'm ruining what he's trying to achieve. I suppose I can see his point of view but he doesn't understand what ds's crying does to me - its like an ache, I can't rest or bd happy unt I'm hiding him and trying to comfort him myself. If I hear his cry and see DH just standing looking into the cot it's like torture . This is how I feel, if might be irrational but I can't help it.

Tailtwister Sun 13-Jan-13 09:15:54

Actually NotMostPeople my currently 4 yo sleeps fine and did so when he was 3 too. So yes, I do think it's the best way. If OP's DH is fed up with his wife responding to a 6 month old baby, the he really needs to look at himself not at her.

Inertia Sun 13-Jan-13 09:16:01

It's unreasonable for your DH to bar your way to the cot. No wonder DS became distressed - he needed his mother, could see her, but the other person at the centre of his world was keeping mum away ; he was probably scared and confused.

You and DH are both tired, and you need to talk and agree strategies. That isn't the time to do it, and it absolutely is not the way to do it. You need to talk at a time when DS is calm , and decide together how best to share parenting. Weaning DS off bf is not necessary; breastfeeding is recommended as a baby's main source of nutrition until at least one year. A more helpful suggestion could be that your DH takes an active role in preparing and feeding solid foods as you gradually begin to introduce them.

AmberLeaf Sun 13-Jan-13 09:18:27

'just standing looking into the cot'

What?? why would he do that?

Is he one of those that thinks babies are wilfull and that it is a battle of wills?

He stands over his babies cot while he cries, is that correct?

AmberLeaf Sun 13-Jan-13 09:19:29

I don't know why people are saying the husband is stressed etc, he gets to sleep for 5 nights out of 7.

Gomez Sun 13-Jan-13 09:20:04

Breast feeding a baby isn't the only way to provide comfort. You and your DH need to decide on alternative approaches that work for you both, and that you both can do.

Arguments on what happens else where in the world, usually the developing world don't translate to here - babies there very much fit in to the basic demands of the family. Mothers don't chose to wear their babies whilst working it is because they have no choice, as an example.

The frequency of nighttime feeding you describe works if you co-sleep perhaps when baby self latches on and off. But that s not what you are doing and also perhaps doing your son a disservice by not allowing him to develop other ways.

One last thing - read the sleep boards on here. Many, many examples where parents were happy to do this at 6 months, pissed of by 12, utterly shattered by 18 and then contemplating throwing themselves of a bridge at 24.

Tailtwister Sun 13-Jan-13 09:20:10

How you feel is not irrational at all OP, it's natural. You are tuned into your baby for a reason and when he cries of course you're going to need to respond to him.

DontmindifIdo Sun 13-Jan-13 09:24:45

a bottle of formula won't help your baby sleep longer, but you could sleep longer if your DS can learn to take it and your DH can do that. If your DS won't take a bottle from you (of expressed milk or formula) has your DH tried when you are out of the house and there's no boob option for DS? I know several friends who said their DCs wouldn't take a bottle from them but would from their DP or their parents, same DCS wouldn't take a bottle from me or other BFing mothers who smelt of milk. It's worth going out round a feed time knowing your DH has a bottle (and possibly enough for more milk for 2 lots if DS does still feel hungry) and see what happens.

If that means you could take at least one feed out in the night (maybe the early the 10 - 11pm one so you could sleep from say 8pm -1am but your DH not have to get too tired for work - and a bit more sleep for you might do you both a world of good).

There's also a case for letting your DH try to settle your DS without milk, you assume he wants milk for comfort and have taught him this is the only sort of comfort available, perhaps when not feeling like death at 1am you could discuss it, next weekend let your DH try to settle DS without you feeding, if after 5 minutes he's not able to do so, you'll feed, but if he can, then I can see it making a huge improvement to your life. Make sure you both have clocks so you can see when it's been 5 minutes. (30 seconds listening to your baby cry can feel like a lifetime.) If you'd agreed a time for stepping in, then you don't look like you are undermining his attempt to help or saying he can't do it - it's a strategy you've both agreed on. If he doesn't think DS is settling after2 or 3 minutes he doesn't have to wait 5, he can bring DS to you straight away.

TrazzleMISTLEtoes Sun 13-Jan-13 09:25:32

OP, when your DH is trying to settle DS, can you take the opportunity to get out of the house and go for a walk? Or pop to a friend's for a coffee? Obviously not if this is in the middle of the night...!

Stonefield Sun 13-Jan-13 09:25:38

This sounds really normal to me. You're both exhausted, reaching the end of your tether and both behaving in ways you wouldn't if you weren't quite so tired and frustrated. Other posters vilifying your DH are being totally overdramatic. I think it probably is time for a new strategy as your child is waking a lot. Why don't you let your DH take the lead for one night and see what happens? You might be surprised.

LadyWidmerpool Sun 13-Jan-13 09:25:56

Your baby sounds like mine except mine is 16 months! I would find it hard to get over being physically kept from my crying 6 month old. 6 months is still tiny and a lot of babies that age and much older need help to sleep, whether breast, bottle, dummy, rocking, music or lights. I can't just lie down and go to sleep immediately either!

Inertia Sun 13-Jan-13 09:29:25

Sent too soon - you also need to decide on a night time strategy. At about that age, we tried feeding in the evening, one more bf if needed later at night, and then if dc woke again in the night DH tried a cup of expressed milk ( my dc wouldn't take bottles) . It can work as long as DH is prepared to stick it out and fully settle DS for those middle of the night wakings, even during the week - it needs to be consistent , and if you go to DS he will expect a breastfeed.

It also helped to gently discourage dc from falling asleep on the breast at bedtime - you might find it helps to gently wake DS to ensure he is full up.

WinkyWinkola Sun 13-Jan-13 09:29:40

Part of breastfeeding is about comfort. It's not just about milk.

Op, your ds sounds pretty normal to me. Growth spurt, teething etc can contribute to more wakefulness.

Fwiw, all my bf babies were different. My eldest and youngest appear to be the most wakeful and the middle two slept through pretty early on - 12 months and 13 months.

Self soothing does happen eventually and it can happen without distress to either baby or parents.

I think you need to respond to your baby.

All this talk of "indulging" and "giving in" is a load of guff. You can't indulge a 6 month old baby. It's operating on instinct and it's instinct is to seek out comfort, warmth and food. And by responding you're building up trust and helping to contribute to a confident, assured child who knows he doesn't have to scream his head off to get some comfort.

I think you are in the right here, op, especially since it is you who is managing all the nights.

If he wants to be involved more, I'm sure there's lots of nappies and purées to be given to your ds.

KellyElly Sun 13-Jan-13 09:30:04

Your DH is BU but I do think you need to try some techniques as your baby is waking as much as a much younger baby and it must be really hard for you both with the lack of sleep. Have you tried the Baby Whisperer? I got my DD into a good sleep and feeding routine through the routine and techniques used in there. I also used to put on a CD (the same lullaby one) every night when she went to sleep and would put that on again if she woke in the night and after a feed and she soon associated this with going back to sleep. I also used one of those bears that play the sound of a heartbeat or white noise when she woke up or cried and that also soothed her. Good luck OP and I hope you both get the sleep you need soon smile

ErikNorseman Sun 13-Jan-13 09:30:10

Why is he standing next to the cot if the baby is crying? Is he trying to get the baby off to sleep on his own? Because that absolutely won't work if the baby can see one of his parents there. He will just cry to be picked up. Controlled crying can work but it has to be done properly. Putting a crying baby in their cot then just standing there will achieve nothing. It certainly won't help him self settle. If your H wants to try a new sleep method that doesn't involve boob then he has to research it properly and discuss it with you.

DontmindifIdo Sun 13-Jan-13 09:30:22

BTW - when I say "settle your ds" I mean pick him up, cuddle him and make little 'shuhh' noises. If your DS is fed to sleep then he probably is used to being cuddled, he's used to falling asleep in your arms, when he wakes up in the night (as all people do briefly) it's more of a shock because he's woken up in a different place to where he fell asleep, so comforting with cuddles is going to be more effective, with or without milk.

Longer term, there's a lot to be said for teaching your DS to fall asleep in the first place in bed rather than in your arms while feeding. Can you start feeding earlier and not feeding to sleep?

I suggest you pick up a copy of the no cry sleep solution, it made a lot of sense to me. There are other options than "put up with no sleep for 3 years" or "leave your baby to cry it out"

DD was like this. Would only fall asleep on boobie and would wake up several times in the night and need fed back to sleep.
By the time she was 9 months old she was waking up 10 - 12 times in an evening and would need fed back to sleep each time.

It was exhausting.
In the end I had to involve the HV and she helped us through a CC program to wean DD off boob and learn to self settle.

Maybe your DH has a point, you need to find alternative ways to settle your baby or you may end up with bigger problems.

His view points are valid too. You need to find a way to work at this together

Firstly I'd like to say "wow" you both have amazing strength and will power if you have been doing this for six months and only cracked now. I'd never have made it this long!!

Your husband should never have gone about things the way he did BUT he is his kid too and your undermining him as much as he's undermining u. You both need to talk and come up with a plan you both agree on and stick to it as confusion will not help situation at all.

If your hovering about and questioning everything he does then how is your dh meant to learn to soothe his baby.

If he is teething then can u try calpol/ teething gels etc see if that helps him soothe a bit?

If you are happy to continue to breast feed every hour and a half then maybe co sleeping would be an idea so baby can just suckle as he wants/needs to?

If you want to go with what your husband suggested and start weaning a little then there is going to be crying it is going to be hard and u do need to let your husband help.

LaCiccolina Sun 13-Jan-13 09:32:29

My view? Ur in the wrong thread. Poss should be in bf and bottle feeding. Ur getting alot of behaviour comments and not alot of advice re feeding in the style uve adopted.

Ur baby is 6mths. This is extremely young still. He seems to feeding about what I recognise as bf/ebf patterns. Sure others will agree too. Bf milk is easy to digest hence more often feeding. Ff is more bulky and filling. My dh and the dhs at our NCT group all felt they could halve the baby care. In practice that didn't work for anyone not totally ff. Even then those dhs complAined of grumpiness they couldn't alleviate. Unfortunately u can't override evolution where mum is prime carer. He wants his mum he wants his mum not much else will do and it's daft to persevere. Men seem to turn this into a battle of wills. Where its not like that, it just .... is.

Dh is probs best to bathe or help at other points. Maybe u agree to do nights. It's what works and gives the best road to family happiness. Nobody knows that but u 3 so u 3 figure it out. Avoid mil/mums advice!!!

It gets better nearer 1 and better again til 2. Growth at the end is the only thing that definately changes everything.

Put something in the feeding thread. See what else is suggested.

LimeLeafLizard Sun 13-Jan-13 09:32:36

OP I totally understand your last post written at 9:14 - could have written it myself in the past! What you are going through is so normal, please reassure your DH this is not easy but you will get through it working together, once you have agreed a plan and stick to it.

Please don't listen to anyone telling you to 'leave the bastard'! Your DH has been a bit controlling because he is stressed too, and you need to forgive him, for him to forgive you, and to love and support each other.

FWIW, I found it very difficult to comfort my breastfed babies without breastfeeding. For my DH, although it was harder, he was able to comfort them in the night (without feeding), and after a week or two (about this sort of age) we found that they responded better to him. This way we managed to get them to go from, say 11 - 5 without the breast.

The key to making this work was to get DH to promise to get up and go to the baby - i.e. get out of bed, soothe either by picking up or just patting / stroking, putting the dummy back in, etc. I had to be 100% confident that he would actually get up and comfort the baby (not ignore) and he had to be 100% confident that I would not interrupt and disrupt him by bf. This trust is crucial to team parenting at this age, and actually at any age.

AmberLeaf Sun 13-Jan-13 09:37:09

No one has said leave the bastard.

As I said before, this seems more about how the husband feels than what his baby needs

OPs baby is behaving normally.

AThingInYourLife Sun 13-Jan-13 09:38:01

I can't believe he's still in the house.

What he did last night was cruel and abusive to both you and your baby.

And being jealous doesn't justify it.

What a total prick to physically prevent a baby being picked up by his mother.

BinksToEnlightenment Sun 13-Jan-13 09:40:05

I don't think it's debate worthy because all babies and parents are different so all we have are anecdotes.

But mine is - six months old, I was up and down like a jack in the box. Same as you, OP. I couldn't not ignore that cry. It was like trying to sleep while the house burnt down. Fed on demand, co slept if it was needed (so nearly every night between 3 and 7). Comforted, rocked to sleep - whatever it took for a little short term peace.

Skip to now - two years old. I put him in his cot and he rolls over and says bye bye mummy. In the morning, I know he's up when I hear him talking to his bears and laughing to himself.

He has no memory of what happened when he was six months old. It doesn't matter. I know it feels like the most important thing in the world. To both you and your DH. But everything will be just fine.

thegreylady Sun 13-Jan-13 09:43:37

Have you tried a dummy? Not all the time but occasionally with your dh stroking or patting the baby. It may be no use at all but if baby isn't hungry and needs to suck it would help your dh feel he could do something. It wouldn't interfere with bf at all.

he is jealous because only you can comfrt ds. It may be frustrating to him, but what he has to hear is: 'it's not about you anymore! Ds feelings are more important, you're an adult so get over it!'

(unfortunately many parents take years to get that)

I think your DH was unreasonable last night, but I agree with everyone saying it would be good to change up how you are doing things and find other ways of settling/comforting your DS.

It's important that you feed and comfort your DS -- but sleep is also an important need, babies need lots of it, and what you're doing at the moment is not really encouraging in that regard. Some babies do need to learn how to self-settle, it's not automatic. I'm not saying leave him to cry or anything like that, but introducing other kinds of comfort would be a start.

You said your husband is not familiar with specific sleep techniques -- why not ask him to read up on some of them and choose the one that is closest to his approach, and then consider trying it at some point in future if you still need to, when DS is a bit older and not teething. That way you have some time to adjust but DH would have a sense that this will not go on forever either.

Sirzy Sun 13-Jan-13 09:51:15

Is wanting to be able to help your child (and wife) really labelled being jealous now? Is it really a bad thing for a father to want to be involved with helping his child?

As I have said before he went around it the wrong way but some of the posters here seem to be over reacting. I have seen many a thread complaining that partners do nothing to help and they get berated for wanting to do so, now someone is wanting to help and getting the same response. With some people the father really can't do right can he.

CheungFun Sun 13-Jan-13 09:51:25

I think your husband was completely wrong to stop you from comforting your baby, I think had DH have ever done this I would have lost my temper angry Although I know DH is completely capable of settling DS, there are certain cries that I want to deal with and don't want his help.

I thin you need to think about what you want, and how you want to deal with your baby's night time wakings and feedngs, then when you have some time, sit down with your husband and make a plan. You should be working as a team to solve this.

There are lots of different methods of helping to soothe your baby to sleep apart from controlled crying.

MummytoMog Sun 13-Jan-13 09:52:50

I think that BFing can cause a fair bit of tension - certainly when my DS was still breastfed, I felt that DH didn't even try to comfort him, he would just pass him to me to BF. DH felt pushed out and that he didn't know how to comfort DS so he just spent his time playing with our older DC. It improved a lot when DS started taking bottles, but that was only after I went back to work and only because he had absolutely no choice - wasn't fun for anyone, so if you don't absolutely need to introduce bottles, I wouldn't push it, although bottles do make things easier. I don't think your DH was being very fair, but I do understand how he was feeling at the time.

I don't think that is a normal sleeping pattern, and I think you could improve it, which would help everyone! I also loved the baby whisperer and found shh pat quite effective when resettling. There's nothing wrong with feeding to sleep, but I would be trying to feed before sleep and put him down drowsy but awake by now. Or if you are going to have to feed all night long, have him next to your bed? Teething is a mare, amber teething necklaces really helped both of mine (and are cute as the dickens) and totally screws up sleeping patterns, so things may improve suddenly once teeth are cut.

PenelopeChipShop Sun 13-Jan-13 09:55:10

I will be back later to answer questions, got to get ready for ILs coming round. Thanksvforcall replies. We have only just stopped co sleeping btw

AThingInYourLife Sun 13-Jan-13 09:59:00

Just because some fathers are lazy shites who do nothing doesn't make it OK for other fathers to use their physical strength to separate a baby from its mother.

I have a lot of sympathy with some of his views, and I think using the father to give non-milk comfort can be very useful at night.

But standing between a crying baby and his mother?

No fucking way.

That is barbaric and inexcusable.

You discuss approaches during the day and implement them at night.

You don't start throwing your weight around at night.

How horrible and frightening that must have been.

That he is capable of doing that raises big questions about his abilities as a parent and partner.

WinkyWinkola Sun 13-Jan-13 10:00:08

I'd keep trying with bottles of expressed milk at times when you're not at all stressed and it doesn't matter if your ds takes them or not. He may well get it with regular exposure. Leave empty bottles for him to grab and play with too.

I also think you do need to find out why he is crying. Feeding may deal with the initial comfort issue and he will be all snug and warm
And full and drowsy to care about what else was bothering him. But if his original need had been met he wouldn't be up an hour later.

We have all done it, we have all just fed our babies as that was always the sure fire way to comfort them. But sometimes it's not enough and it's just delaying the inevitable.

You said he is teething, so what are u doing for that?

Is there anythin new you have introduced weaning wise that might not be agreeing with him?

Could he just be thirsty would some water in the day help?

Is he over tired? Have you established nap routine?

I'm not saying you should just let him cry but sometimes they just stop themselves they just need a couple of minutes to work out if they need something or r just whinging.

If he wants to suck how about a dummy? If he's hungry fair enough but there's obviously something else that is upsetting him and u need to work out what it is.

AmberLeaf Sun 13-Jan-13 10:06:00

Id imagine the fact that you have only just stopped co sleeping has a lot to do with your baby waking several times a night.

Was it a sudden stop from co sleeping?

I'm guessing it was your husbands idea?

TepidCoffee Sun 13-Jan-13 10:08:14

You don't have to teach a baby to self-sooth at 6mo if you don't want to. It doesn't mean he'll never learn.

There's nothing wrong with offering the breast for comfort as well as nutritition. Biologically speaking, it's what we're programmed to do.

These are both reasonable and legitimate parenting approaches. It's how we did it, although we also co-slept. I think we would also have cracked had we been getting up that many times!

Flobbadobs Sun 13-Jan-13 10:08:18

Your DH didn't deal with it Very well at all but see it from his side for a minute. He's not only seeing the baby not sleeping, possibly teething and being awake in the night again, he's also seeing his wife losing precious relaxation time. His possible worry for you may be clouding his judgement a little.
Having said all that, doing anything about self settling a teething baby is just pissing into the wind IME, if you're going to work on sleep patterns, when baby is teething is the worst possible time.
So he is being U. I hope you get a chance to sort this out.

fraktion Sun 13-Jan-13 10:11:57

IME it is very, very hard unless your DH is prepared to accept that he will get very little sleep for anywhere between 3 days and 2 weeks if he wants DS to accept him as comfort/stop feeding/self-settle. We never managed it.

Your DS is accustomed to a certain way of doing things and will protest loudly that they're changing. This would result in very little sleep for both of you even if he weren't actively involved. Since you don't sound 100% happy with DH's plan he's going to need to step up a lot more and put in the graft. Before you agree anything he absolutely must realise that you doing this alone is impossible and it demands some sacrifice.

I say this as someone whose DH wasn't prepared to do that and had to accept the consequences!

Physically barring you was totally out of order. He must have been very stressed, as you were too.

specialmagiclady Sun 13-Jan-13 10:21:50

I've read the first two pages, but not the last, so forgive me if I go over old ground.

I have two children; when they were born I wanted to do EVERYTHING on their schedule. For a time. Then I started wanting to impose my timings a bit more and claw back some control. I found there was a balance. On the one hand, there was the sleep I wanted. On the other hand, the amount of "pain" I was prepared to put my baby through to get it.

After a few months of to-ing and fro-ing, I found the balance tipping in my favour, but I think DH crossed the line before me.

With DS1, he saw me being exhausted and felt that it was the baby sucking the life and sleep out of me in the night (it was!). He wanted to stop it. He thought that it would save me, if he intervened. He also felt excluded from the baby's life. We had a really horrible time between 6 and 9 months trying to "make" the baby do what we wanted. He was teething, had nasty eczema etc. We weren't consistent, we fought a lot. I listened to the baby crying, without giving him what he (and I, at heart) wanted because we thought it was for the best. Eventually, he slept through once he was crawling and walking. He still needs to be absolutely shattered before he'll sleep, aged nearly 8.

With DS2, DH was happy to let me take care of the LO as he had DS1 to look after. I played it by ear, I didn't try to impose my will on my baby until I was absolutely ready and even then only little by little. Much happier me, much much happier baby.

So, probably your DH is feeling concerned that you're shattered, feeling pushed out of the baby's life and wants to join in and be a more active dad. Which is great! But he might have to be patient. Your baby is still completely tiny and it's really ok for it to be all about mum at the moment. There is lots that your DH can do to support YOU and take the strain off you, and at the weekend, he can have solo time with baby during the day to help him bond for a couple of hours at a time between feeds.

You've got this baby for the next 40 years! He will get to bond and share in the upbringing. It's very very early days.

BlueberryHill Sun 13-Jan-13 10:27:24

Lots of good advice above.

It is really difficult adjusting to a new baby, they don't come with a manual and what works with one baby doesn't with another, they are all individuals. I would just like to say you are both feeling sleep deprived (if its anything like it was for me) and it is your first child and probably aren't thinking straight.

Both of you should sit down and talk and listen to eachother and agree an approach to take, stick to it and see how it goes for a couple of nights / weeks. See how it is working and decide if it needs tweaking or changing completely.

6 months is really young, babies need comforting but I would suggest trying to get him to learn to self settle. Maybe start in the day when you are feeling more up to it, he learns how to do it and then start extending it into the night.

Good luck and be kind to eachother, it is hard work at first but they grow, change and it does get easier.

Fairylea Sun 13-Jan-13 10:33:55

I'm really sorry I haven't read everything (7 month old ds here !!!) But have you tried giving a dummy ? If ds will accept it then it might mean dh is able to comfort him more than he is able to at the moment, esp if ds is waking looking to suck as comfort.

Just an idea.

I will come back and post more when ds has a nap !

MummytoMog Sun 13-Jan-13 10:41:32

When you say only just stopped co-sleeping, was there a reason to stop? My two got chucked out at five months, but there's nothing wrong with keeping them in a bit longer - they won't still be in your bed at five unless you let em ;) I found that the pay off for having them in with me (easy feeding and resettling) got less and less as they got older, and the tipping point with both was around five months, but maybe you have a later tipping point with your LO?

Booboostoo Sun 13-Jan-13 11:02:26

My DD is very similar, poor sleeper and boob monster. For me 6 months was too young to try anything else and I went with the flow (I co-sleep so it's a bit easier to get some sleep). By 12 months she was a bit older and it became easier for DP to both put her to sleep and comfort her during the night.

I don't think your DP is reasonable to not let you comfort the baby or to not do it himself. If he wants to do nighttimes then he has to come up with a plan for comforting the baby, not just letting him cry.

For later on I found this technique to be quite helpful (although for us it has not been a cure for all, DD still has good night and then regresses if she is teething, sick, etc.)
drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

maddening Sun 13-Jan-13 11:05:27

I think he was vu to bar you from the cot. Also to try and instigate a new sleeping routine - really that needs discussion and agreement followed by a consistent approach to the agreed method.

I also believe that as it is you doing the night feeds then it is up to you.

For us I cosleep with ds (23 mths) and bf to sleep and df supports this - he can now get ds to sleep when I'm not there - it works as ds still wakes in the night and neither want to look at cc or cio type methods. We did try pupd and df actively worked with ds on that but a bad tummy bug for all 3 of us ended up in cosleeping

Personally don't agree with the bottle of ff (not against ff) but if your ds is ebf then it could cause tummy upset which you don't need when starting solids.

I do think this is not a new side to your dh more frustration at feeling helpless.

I do think you both need to talk - get him some reading on bf and different sleep training methods and ask him to read through and discuss his thoughts. I would also get him the wonder weeks book which my df found excellent in explaining why ds goes through development phases and their impact - eg ds being more needy.

BertieBotts Sun 13-Jan-13 11:17:09

It's the age-old debate isn't it? smile FWIW I think your DH has good intentions - it's not as though he wants you to let DS cry it out because he can't be bothered to deal with it and wants the quickest route, not caring if it's best for DS or not.

I think you really need to discuss it at a time when you're not stressed about it and definitely not while one of you is trying to settle him. At the moment he's not keen on your methods and is undermining them by preventing you from doing them and you're not keen on his and are undermining by not giving him a chance to see it through - however much both of you think you're right, interrupting is not helpful to anybody. What you need to do is come up with a plan which has elements of what you both want and then stick to it and support each other in it.

I know you're tired, so rational discussion is difficult - what might help is if you both give each other time to think, talk, listen, digest - and if you're tired and feeling ratty and liable to snap/interrupt/not listen, then sometimes the best way is to - separately - write your feelings, your aims and your preferred method of achieving those aims (and why you think it's the best approach) down on a piece of paper, then come together, read the other's, and discuss.

It's very hard to let go of your defensiveness, especially when it comes to your baby - you can feel a very strong mother-tiger sort of feeling of "How dare he harm my baby??" - even though he's not harming him at all, it can feel like that if he's going against your ideal. Talk to him, discuss it, you'll probably find that you both want the same things and that you can find a way around it which works for you both. Try not to put barriers up about his approach and remind him to offer you the same courtesy smile

(Also as a final point - 6 months is very very early for a baby to sleep through, most don't. All of the articles and books etc which say they should be by this age are WRONG. How many parents get so stressed thinking they're doing something wrong when really they're just trying to achieve the impossible! Just because some babies sleep through at 6 months it doesn't mean that yours is ready to. If you can make the night wakings manageable for you then that is a perfect set up.)

LaCiccolina Sun 13-Jan-13 13:10:02

Please repost in bf/bottle feeding! I'm still seeing too much on behaviour sleep and dh attitude, not enough on feeding which I think poss u need. I really think u could get some additionally specific advice that could really help u out.

Best wishes

AmberLeaf Sun 13-Jan-13 13:16:24

I agree LaCiccolina that feeding advice may help, but the OP was asking whether she or her DH were being unreasonable so I really dont think the small number of 'yes your DH is BU' etc are out of line.

I think OP could also get some great advice if she posted this in Relationships too.

allthegoodnamesweretaken Sun 13-Jan-13 13:25:23

I haven't read all of the replies,

Your Husband was completely out of order from physically blocking you from comforting your baby. I genuinely would have considered leaving my DH if he had done something so vile. You are a fully grown woman and you do not need to be dictated to when and how you comfort your own child. IMO you need to tackle his patronising, controlling, bullying behaviour, I would not want this man around my child.

Aside from that, my DD was just like this, it's perfectly normal. I haven't got a lot of practical advice, just to follow your instincts and try to be relaxed about it. I can't remember exactly when she started sleeping through but it wasn't anywhere near 6 months!! IIRC stretches of sleep gradually got longer and she became more accepting of comfort from her dad and less reliant on milk to get to sleep. She's 2 now, still bf, but we take it in turns to get her to sleep at bedtime and she tends to sleep through unless she's poorley etc.

Basically, WRT the sleep issue, it will get better and it's not worth getting stressed over. WRT DH, he wants a slap.

AmberSocks Sun 13-Jan-13 13:32:14

i just gave mine the boob whenever they murmered,they are all fine,in fact i think its more natural and better for thebaby to do that,just my opinion though.

yanbu,he is.

gingergaskell Sun 13-Jan-13 13:37:19

Penelope, I've got a tool that works for introducing the bottle for a baby that refuses it, for you to consider.

We had various reflux / protein allergy / couldn't drink breast milk issues, so HAD to make it work.

What worked for both of mine was to introduce the bottle while they were asleep. Typically I'd do that just before their first main wake up, so in your case 10 pm ish would probably work.

Go quietly into the room with out turning on lights. Put the bottle into your baby's mouth, without lifting or moving them. At first they will certainly refuse it. As soon as they start to do so, stop, don't push it. Try again the next night and so on and so on. Typically they will take a little by the end of the first week and be able to drink a reasonable amount by the end of the second week, but you do need to stick at it, it won't work straight away.

I'd get your partner to do this. It will help with confusion of the smell of breast milk etc.
Research what the teats are recommended at the moment that are most like a nipple, I don't have up to date info in this.
Intially use a mix of EBM and formula, for taste reasons, and slowly change to formula.

Your baby once it is used to feeding asleep, will likely take the whole bottle that way. You can gently lift them to sitting to wind them afterwards if needed.
I used to have to feed my oldest his whole amount for the day this way while he was asleep as he got to the stage where he associated feeding with pain so much, he wouldn't feed at all.

Good luck with everything, I hope being able to talk about it and the advice you've been given here, helps you work it out without any more tension with your partner. smile

gingergaskell Sun 13-Jan-13 13:39:14

Oh should have added, that once mine took the bottle asleep, they would take them in the day too.
In your case you may not need to.

I used to go to bed around 7 pm when they did. My husband would do the asleep bottle feed around 10:30 when he went to bed and then I'd do wake ups from the next wake up onwards. That way I'd get at least a 4 hour block of sleep every night which really helps.

maddening Sun 13-Jan-13 13:47:27

Also - if you want to introduce the bottle then maybe try with expressed milk first.

5madthings Sun 13-Jan-13 13:54:28

ginger I may be reading this wrong but are you suggesting giving the baby a bottle whilst its lying in its cot? You say without lifting or moving them?

That really isn't a great idea, choke hazard for one thing.

Op I think you and your duh obviously need to talk. He seems to want to help with your son but has some odd views on what your baby should/shouldn't be doing.

Your baby is very little and is teething so now is not the best time to sort sleep issues.

You say you stopped co-sleeping? Its good your D's will go down at 7pm and sleep for a few hours so you get an evening! The rest can be worked on and will improve with age.

Why does your duh want him off the breast and on to a bottle? Do you want this?

hackmum Sun 13-Jan-13 14:00:14

Your DH needs to take a long view - it's easy to get things out of perspective at this age.

The thing is, what you are doing is right. Breastfeeding is the best way to comfort a crying baby, and actually, if a baby is exclusively breastfed, it will be hard to soothe him any other way. We'd all love it if baby would happily be cuddled by someone else or take a dummy, but what a breastfed baby actually wants is the breast. Not because they're complete bastards who are trying to wind you up but because that's the way it works.

It is very very difficult, however, to make this argument with someone who is taking the view that you're spoiling the baby or giving into his demands too easily. I don't think you can resolve it easily, except that you can perhaps agree that at some point in the future, perhaps the time he's one, you will try to get him into more of a routine, maybe by using controlled crying (which really isn't cruel, by the way, though I know some people don't approve of it). Also by the time he's one he will be on solids and hopefully have a full tummy at night time and that might help him sleep better.

AmberSocks Sun 13-Jan-13 14:02:47

if you co slept would he just feed while you were half asleep?mine did,they woud make that kind of nuzzling noise and it would wake me and id latch them on and off they would go and then fall asleep again,could you do that?

5madthings Sun 13-Jan-13 14:19:13

Just realized dh has auto corrected to duh in my post!

I have to say I went down the co-sleep feed in ddemand etc, my five well sleep well now. Dd is just two and I with us purely laziness and because we like it, snuggles and waking up to a fabulously cute toddler saying 'nothing mummy kwisses pease' what's not to love!

5madthings Sun 13-Jan-13 14:19:54

Not nothing she says moring meaning morning!

Whatnameforme Sun 13-Jan-13 14:33:32

Why would you leave your baby to cry if you can soothe him? You are giving your baby what he needs, when he asks. What is more natural than that? You dh is completed out of order, how dare he stop you from feeding or comforting your son! He may have been in pain, he may have been restless, he might have been hungry why is your dh better able to know what your baby needs? Babies don't care what time they normally wake up, they do it when they need to. It's not like at 6 months he's laying in his cot thinking 'I'll just wait for him to drop off and then I'll cry'. Although we all think they do sometimes wink Sounds to me like hubby might be a bit jealous?

lemonstartree Sun 13-Jan-13 14:59:47

babies should be able to sleep through by 6 months You are pandering to the child's needs by feeding him this often... so Im with your DH on this one. BUT I would be withdrawing slowly, not all on one go. Make a plan to cut this down so that n 1 month DS is sleeping through. You will need to be tougher but you are the adult and this much disruption is no good for anyone

Nanny0gg Sun 13-Jan-13 15:07:44

babies should be able to sleep through by 6 months

Really? All of them? Is that a rule?

Cos mine damn well didn't!

maddening Sun 13-Jan-13 15:08:06

Ps I also think Co sleeping saved my life - I have a mattress on ds' bedroom floor - leave him to sleep while I have my evening and then sleep with him.

You could try dream feeding when you go to bed and then if he wakes at 1am or whenever just go and get in to bed on the mattress with ds - he might go longer between then and morning and might stay later than 6am - I found the waking up frequently in the early hours exhausting but not so and less frequent when Co sleeping.

maddening Sun 13-Jan-13 15:09:04

Hahahahahaha lemonstart grin that is the funniest thing I've heard smile

Bottleoffish Sun 13-Jan-13 15:11:25

Lemonstartree, who says? It's common misconceptions like that that make things harder for the OP and her husband.

WinkyWinkola Sun 13-Jan-13 15:12:41

I don't sleep through the night at 41 years old so I would t expect my dcs to either.

Pander on, op. grin

gingergaskell Sun 13-Jan-13 16:05:55

5madthings, Sleep feeding is not unusual. As I mentioned my son would not take much in during an awake feed, and relied on sleep feeding. It's quite common to sleep feed with baby's who have reflux like that. He was allergic to the protein in my breast milk, so he associated feeding with pain.

This happened with my daughter as well, both ended up having to take a hydrolised formula called Neocate, after being breast fed for some time, so that's why the battle to get them to take a bottle, they had to, and sleep feeding was the only way we managed it.

It is right to consider the a risk of choking while the baby is lying down though, and I should have mentioned that OP. It is also possible to gently lift lift them and hold in a more sitting position and do a sleep feed to avoid that risk, and have the same results I mentioned otherwise.

OP if you are interested in trying it, it is easy to find more information on google about it, and weigh up whether it is the right thing for you personally. smile

gingergaskell Sun 13-Jan-13 16:10:50

OH so as not to confuse, I also wasn't meaning that sleep feeding was something the OP should consider, just that it helps to get a baby onto a bottle, which is her issue.
Once a baby takes one asleep it will then take it while awake as well, so OP wouldn't need to sleep feed on an ongoing basis in her case. Just until her baby would take a bottle.

5madthings Sun 13-Jan-13 16:18:05

Oh yes sleep feeding very common. Mine went through phases of only feeding in their sleep but never lying flat on their backs, i would either bfeed with them on their side or with the two that had bottles i would scoop them up into my arm or when in bed with me they would lie snuggled up, head on my shoulder, arm around them iyseim.

I just thought lying flat on their back and being given a bottle usnt recomended?

GothAnneGeddes Sun 13-Jan-13 16:39:01

I would go nuts if my child had woken up that much when they were 6 months old.

These threads always seem to attract the co-sleeping comfort crew, who posit that anything less then responding to any little whimper is cruelty and then add some sentimental, rose-tinted bollocks about how lovely parenting in the third world is and then they wonder why/play the mummy martyr card about how little sleep they get.

I echo the advice that O.P should sit down with H in the daytime and get herself a plan. Unsettled night when they're teething is one thing, but if it's ongoing then you need to look at managing it.

Frikadellen Sun 13-Jan-13 16:40:11

OP I have not read all of the replies but I have 2 suggestions

1 get a hold of a copy of "the no cry sleep solution" and both you and dh read it. (not so much for the sleep settle tips though I think they may help too but more because it explains babies needs in a good language for dh to learn about)

2 Contact your local children center and find out if they have a parenting course. One that both you and dh has to attend that focuses on how to work out jointly how to cope with differences in opinions on how to raise your children.

good luck

Skaramoosh Sun 13-Jan-13 16:41:34

Penelope - I've only read the first page as short on time, sorry, but just wanted to say my DD was pretty much the same with regards to sleep. Didn't take a bottle so I too did all the night wakings. It's hard because its so exhausting but everything I did felt right to me (did try shush pat and CC but these methods either didn't work or felt wrong for us).
Anyway, DD was fully weaned by 13 months (was only having one bedtime feed by that point and none overnight) and went in a bed at 15 months at which point she started sleeping 10 hours per night most nights although we still have a tricky night now and then. My point is, there is light at the end of the tunnel! It's obviously really difficult that you and DH have different ideas and I'm sorry I have no advice specifically but I am a firm believer in trusting your instincts and comforting your baby as you see fit, a fathers point of view is also very important to take into account but seeing as you have stated you deal with the night wakings yourself anyway then I think you should have the deciding vote on how you handle the nights.
It won't be forever.

CamillaDickinson Sun 13-Jan-13 16:55:30

OP, have seen a number of posts saying that your baby is behaving like a much younger child and it's down to your behavior...FWIW, my DD is just 6 months today and I've coslept and BF on demand from the start. Until last week, she had 1-2 wakings a night and slept through very occasionally; just this week she's gone to a night schedule almost exactly the same as you describe. My behavior/environment/etc. hasn't changed - it's just down to her developmental stage. Don't beat yourself up! They'll settle when they're ready.

Misty9 Sun 13-Jan-13 17:01:14

I would say this is an issue about your differing opinions on parenting - and as such, needs to be discussed when you're not knackered or trying to soothe the baby.

Fwiw, ds has only just started sleeping through (16mo) and only stopped night feeds at 13mo. He was 2-3 feeds a night at that age, and also went through a HUGE growth spurt at 6 months where he reverted to hourly feelings for a few days! I always went with it and fed at nearly all night wakings as it was the quickest way to get him back down. I also always fed to sleep until 7 months or so when ds decided to go down awake. But my dh agreed on all this (and wasn't the one getting up).

Do you know why your dh has issues with feeding to sleep etc? If he's feeling a bit excluded from the relationship, there are plenty other things he can be doing with the baby to bond - does he? I see/hear a lot about mothers not really letting their oh do things with baby - your OP doesn't sound like this, you're just a bf mother who knows its a good, reliable way to settle your baby. That said, sometimes, especially with teething, nothing and nobody will be able to settle the baby easily. Good luck

PenelopeChipShop Sun 13-Jan-13 19:09:03

Wow so many replies I am not going to be able to thank people specifically but there is some great advice here. I was scared of this board but glad I posted as you've given me lots to think about. I will take on board that teaching to self-settle is certainly something we have to do at some point - so I suppose not doing so now is just delaying the inevitable. I think it's just that I am so zonked by 7pm after disturbed sleep and a day of looking after ds since 6am that I just choose the path of least resistance and feed to sleep. I suppose that is a bit lazy but in my sleep deprived fog it's hard to take the long view. Also I do think that it's a bit rich of DH to preach that when part of the reason this 'habit' has been established is simply that its only been me doing night duties from when ds was 2 weeks old so of course he is going to want a feed from mum!

Anyway to update - he did apologise this morning, without prompting, for the barring incident so I was relieved about that. I said it had better never happen again. I also reiterated that breastfeeding mums are 'in tune' with the baby's feed pattern in a way that dads just can't be so therefore the final decision on feeding ds has to be mine. It can't just be judged from the clock. He agreed to that so fortunately my two big issues were agreed to. We got a chance to talk while the ILs took my son out and we each put our pov across more calmly. We have decided to read the mo cry sleep solution and the Andrea grace book and see if we can 'diagnose' ds problems and come up with something to tackle this that we are both happy with, starting it next month maybe.

To answer some of the questions above, he is generally a fab dad but I do think in his heart of hearts he feels a bit left out by breastfeeding - but as I keep pointing out he is weaning now so there's plenty of opportunities for DH to feed him! This morning he was downstairs with ds though and forgot to do hi any breakfast before the morning nap! Argh!

And to those hi suggested co sleeping I was doing that til just before Xmas and it worked well for us til the 4 month sleep regression. Ds started seeming to need more space and wanting to sleep on his front so that prompted sorting out his room and cot. I would rather co sleep when feeding this much but if he's not going to sleep either ey it doesn't really help! If I'm honest I am struggling a bit to let go of the tiny baby stage when he slept in my arms and suckled on and off all night. It sounds mad but I loved that - was much easier than now because he would jut fall straight back to sleep so I felt like he was sleeping through even though he wasn't.

Anyway thank uou for all the advice. Especially those who gave some much needed perspective. I just imagine ever getting 8 hours straight sleep again at the moment but I suppose it has to happen eventually!

quoteunquote Sun 13-Jan-13 19:17:39

DH physically barring me from approaching the cot and picking ds up as he cried

That is totally unacceptable. I can't believe you allowed that.

Babies sleep through the night when they are ready to, I know I have had enough of them and they are all different,

The more you push them away the more clingy they become, it's perfectly natural for a baby to want it's mother, comfort and food.

send him to some parenting classes he needs them.

Misty9 Sun 13-Jan-13 20:15:16

Aw, glad you had a chat with dh and cleared the air. Re teaching to self settle - personally, I don't entirely agree this is necessary (obv depends on your baby though...) and ds just started doing it of his own accord around 7mths. But he was fed to sleep after night feeds until he dropped those of his own accord at 13mo. Oh, and he still doesn't self settle for daytime naps...so do whatever works for you and your family is my best advice smile

I remember 6mo being a really difficult time and we also bought no cry sleep solution at that time! But by the time it arrived, the sleep issues had mostly resolved themselves. So don't despair just yet. I was still napping when he napped at that age, if necessary. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a good reason!

Good luck - it does get better and we regularly get 8-9 hrs sleep in one go now (ds gets 12 but I don't go to bed when he does!).

WinkyWinkola Sun 13-Jan-13 22:30:08

Self settling at 6 months is far too early. Ridiculous to expect such a young baby to do this especially so soon after co sleeping.

YouBrokeMySmoulder Sun 13-Jan-13 22:44:38

I have always encouraged self settling for a lunchtime nap before attempting it 'cold' at night. Everything seems much worse at night.

Fwiw mine were having a dream feed at 11 or so and then waking once at about 3am at that age and then they slept through after we were well into the weaning, one with some gentle but longwinded sleep training and one after only one night of cc.

I always hated those times when through illness or teething or development they would swap their nights and days so werent interested in bf during the day then wanted to be on all night. Make sure you offer constantly during the day if thats the case.

Nanny0gg Mon 14-Jan-13 01:17:27

'diagnose' ds problems and come up with something...
Why do you think it's 'problems' ?
With the best will in the world, some babies don't sleep easily, whatever some may say about sleeping through the night from birth/six/months/whatever.

I'm not saying you won't find a 'solution', but it may just be that he needs to mature, cope with solid foods and then he may settle better.

Your DS doesn't have a problem, he sleeps, he cries. he eats. he sleeps. It's not his problem it's the adults perceived problem of a baby acting quite normally.
Some are hardwired to need more of your time and attention than others, you can't teach that out of them, all they do is learn that no one will come to them when they need it so don't bother asking.
Now If he were over a year old and wanting to nurse every 2 hours then maybe no cry sleep solution, or happiest baby on the block would be a good idea, but Controlled crying or Crying it out are cruel and unnecessary. Babies schedules change constantly, just when you think you have figured out what time they need to nap or eat, they will have a growth spurt and change the schedule on you.

Kiwiinkits Mon 14-Jan-13 02:59:15

dont' want to jump into a massive bun fight but I think you're wrong when you say that waking up every couple of hours is "fairly typical for his age?" I don't think it's typical - it would be on the extreme end I think. Seeking comfort is definitely typical and it's around this age that babies seek blankies, dummies, special places for sleeping. Clearly something's going amiss if your baby is seeking you as a sleep prop. The co-sleeping thing might have set you up with some interesting sleep associations that now have to be un-done. As a start I would suggest looking for other ways to introduce comfort. Someone's suggested a dummy. How about introducing a special blanket or muslin?
The other thing is to make sure baby is warm enough / not too hot. This is a common cause of wake-ups. If you're not already, consider using a merino sleeping bag?

Kiwiinkits Mon 14-Jan-13 03:02:28

No. No. No. It's not normal for a 6 month old to wake up that often at night. To accept it as normal is just martyring yourself. A baby who wakes up twice at night is normal, waking once a night is better, waking not at all better still. Why is it wrong for parents to want and need better sleeping habits? Certainly baby will be better off with good sleep - it's a win-win to get it sorted out, surely. Take charge, think about what you're going to do, discuss it with your husband, implement it.

AndABigBirdInaPearTree Mon 14-Jan-13 04:30:51

It would have been dangerous for DH to step between baby needing fed and me at 6 months. Motherly glare of death.

At 6 months nursing should still be on demand. You produce more milk at night so lots of feeding makes sense from a biological point of view. You shouldn't be weaning at 6 months unless you really want to, it really is much better for your child if you continue for at least two years if you are happy to. Even though many introduce solids at six months breastmilk should be the primary source of nutrition for a breastfed baby.

Perhaps you and DH should book an appt with your health visitor to discuss it.

PenelopeChipShop Mon 14-Jan-13 06:33:31

Oh God. Am going to see health visitor today so will ask them about sleep too. Squinkies, I would never consider CC - I just don't have the stomach for it, I doubt it would work on ds anyway and at any rate it isn't recommended before a year. But is there really NO happy medium between feeding entirely on demand all night (which I have always done and continue to do) and letting him cry?? On some level wouldn't it be better for his development to sleep longer?

DizzyZebra Mon 14-Jan-13 06:51:12

Babies feed frequently. Some babies sleep through, some don't. As for the 'he thinks it's time to wean/introduce formula' tell him when he is qualified in infant feeding and nutrition and is working for the WHO who recommend breast milk for 2 years, Then he gets a say.

Sleep with a blanket then give it to your ds. He misses your smell and my two have both had blankes to sleep. smile helped alot with us

bigkidsdidit Mon 14-Jan-13 07:34:01

Of course there's a middle ground. I went to see Andrea Grace and did her programme which was basically gradual retreat and cutting down feed times gradually ( by a minute each time ish). It worked w

bigkidsdidit Mon 14-Jan-13 07:34:41

Of course there's a middle ground. I went to see Andrea Grace and did her programme which was basically gradual retreat and cutting down feed times gradually ( by a minute each time ish). It worked with no crying smile

There are happy mediums !

I am pretty outraged on your behalf, I'm glad your dh apologised, but it's pretty shitty behaviour from him anyway. He used his physical strength to enforce his wishes above yours, to physically prevent you from reaching your child. It's abusive. I don't think an apology would be enough for me, I'd need him to understand how far he'd crossed the line of acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

I don't think it's at all unusual for a 6 month old to wake every couple of hours, mine did at that age. It sounds like you're coping as well as you can. If you're doing all the night waking then I think you get to choose how you settle your dc.

Of course there's a middle ground!

I don't know why, whenever there's a mention of doing something to help babies sleep better, some people assume you're just going to leave your baby to cry all night. There's loads of gentle things you can do.

I think babies are like people, some will sleep like a log with no problem, others need a few 'tricks' to sleep properly.

We used something like this when DS was little -- it has soft music and a little lightshow -- we put it on when we put him to bed (sleepy, not asleep) and then again when he woke in the night.

www.amazon.co.uk/Tomy-40962-Starlight-Dreamshow-Yellow/dp/B00020IPDW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1358153371&sr=8-2

LadyInDisguise Mon 14-Jan-13 09:14:53

Of course there is a middle ground.
I ebf ds2 too and did all the 'getting up through the night'; until he was about 6 months old.
At that time, I felt he was using bfing more as a comfort method rather than a feed so I started to try and reduce the feed. Until it was very clear he didn't need a feed but only comfort.
It's at this point that I ask DH to step in. Because he could go in and settle ds2 just as well as I did (if not better because I found it difficult to settle ds2 wo a feed to start with).
So we went in, gave ds2 a cuddle, put him back in the cot, left our hand on him until he settled down.
And it worked.

The one thing I would say though is
Remember your child is an individual. Saying that 'babies should sleep though by 6 months old' might not be working for your child because ...well not because of your parenting but because your child needs comfort more than another one.
So don't beat yourself up because 'you haven't done the right thing'. It might just be the way your child is wired (Do check what you do though).

FWIW, One of my dcs slept right through by the time he was 3 months old. The other didn't until he was over 2yo.
Both could fall asleep on their own by the age of 6 months old. None needed a feed/whatever prop to fall asleep in the middle of the night. But one needed cuddles/comforting A LOT and still does now that he is 9 yo.....

LadyInDisguise Mon 14-Jan-13 09:18:12

Oh, btw, don't take whatever the HV is saying as gospel. Remembers a HV telling a desperate mum that the only way to deal with her baby waking was to let her cry even though she couldn't because it was waking her toddler up, which then created mayhem

Remember that there is no 'ONE RIGHT WAY' to deal with babies but one right way for THAT baby and you are the best person to decide what it is.

Agree about the HV

Also remember that nothing is set in stone, you can try out lots of different things and see what works. I found something might work for a while, then DS would go off it and I'd have to try something else.

I say this because it can get a bit panicky looking for the one solution, but it helps to just go into it thinking, Right, let's try this and see what happens.... No, okay, let's try something else...

BlueberryHill Mon 14-Jan-13 09:57:53

Without bombarding you with loads of different views, which means I'm about to. I've got three and I find Tanya Bryon, Your Child Your way really useful. It looks at each child and each family being different and having different needs and that applying a 'technique' often fails as parents do not look at the root cause of what is happening or at triggers and then to change those.

I used it for advice on feeding, sleeping and tantrums later on. I adapted it to fit mine and my families needs so for sleeping I didn't do CIO or CC, its more probably CC lite. I would leave them to settle, if they didn't and were upset I'd leave them for a little, max 5 mins and then go in, soothe and settle etc, once calm put them down and go out. If they were upset again I'd wait a couple of mins and repeat. The times weren't set in stone and I didn't go down the 5/10/15 mins route. I listened to the cries, if they were getting distressed I would go in and calm them. I couldn't listen to them getting distressed and I think it is counterproductive for them to be distressed, they aren't going to sleep. However I did let them cry a bit and they did learn to self settle. It depends on the individual child and mine have varied.

You have to feel comfortable in what you try and when, otherwise it isn't going to work. If you think 6 months is too earlier, try later and don't try it when the baby is ill, teething, you or DH have a lot going on. Children wil grow out of things, they may need a nudge at times or you may decide that the lack of sleep for you is damaging what you do in the day or your health and you would like to tackle it now. Don't feel guilty about it, as a mother you need to look after yourself too. Overall decide what you and your DH would like and work towards it slowly, parenting isn't quick fixes but about thinking about your childs needs and the parents needs and balancing them. Trust your instincts. I find this stage of development exhausting, everyone does.

DontmindifIdo Mon 14-Jan-13 11:23:36

one thing I took from the no cry sleep solution was something like this (read it 3 years ago so could be wrong!) - Most adults wake up for a few seconds each night, plump the pillow etc then go back to sleep. But imagine when you wake for those few seconds you aren't in your bedroom anymore, but in the kitchen, you wouldn't roll over and go back to sleep, you'd be sat up, trying to work out what happened and be upset!

If you feed to sleep in your arms (and I was even worse, feeding DS to sleep in a different room as it had a comfier chair then transporting him to his bed!) then the place your DC falls asleep (your arms with boob in mouth) is completely different to where they wake up (in bed/cot, no snuggly mummy, no boob).

You might have to do this in stages, you do'nt have go straight from this to crying it out. What about feeding a little earlier then cuddling to sleep to start with (I introduced a dummy to deal with the needing to suck to sleep, however at the age of 3, DS is particularly unkeen on giving this up so might not be the best advice), then moving into cuddling until nearly asleep then putting down while patting, hand holding until asleep, then eventually they should get to sleep quicker.

Also, if your DS is having a growth spurt, at 6 months, look at the calories in what you are filling him up on in the day. A lot of the early weaning purees are veggie and are actually a lot lower calorie than milk, so your DS could be still genuinely hungry at night even if it looks like they've eaten well in the day. See if you can get extra milk feeds in during the day to make sure he's had enough to get him through the night.

SunsetSongster Mon 14-Jan-13 11:32:20

OP iif youa re really struggling I would recommend using a sleep consultant if you can. We used one with our DS (who was waking hourly at about 6 months) and it really helped. We used Millpond and they recommended gradual retreat as we couldn't face CC either - it could be the halfway house you are looking for. It takes quite a long time but is quite gentle. The best thing about it was having someone on the end of the phone or email who could encourage us - we wer just to tired to come up with a plan or follow it through without support. Hope it all goes well and glad your DH apologised - it did sound bad but it's maybe comparable to the times I sat in the corner and cried rather than going to DS as I was so tired or considered putting a pillow on him to stop him crying. Not great but stress and sleep deprivation make you do funny things.

Meerkat8 Mon 14-Jan-13 12:31:20

You might find 'The No Cry Sleep Solution' by Elizabeth Pantley helpful. My daughter went through a phase like this at 10 months. Using the book I managed to change things so she was going to bed at a reasonable time and waking twice a night which I was happy with but I probably could have perservered to improve things even more. I fed her to sleep until she was 3 when I nightweaned her easily. You can nightwean a lot earlier but I don't think I would try until 1 year.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/how-to-get-one-year-old-to-sleep-through-the-night
At that stage it would be much easier if your DH was the one to go in and comfort him.
Your DH might feel better if he felt there was a plan in place? It's so difficult to think clearly when you're both so tired.

chandellina Mon 14-Jan-13 14:22:58

You've gotten a lot of good advice, just want to repeat that it really will get better and you and dh will hopefully look back and laugh at how awful it was. I thank my lucky stars every day that my second child sleeps 13 hours a night without a peep.

spiritedaway Mon 14-Jan-13 15:05:11

Haven't read the whole thread OP..school time- but this sounds very familiar. My ex did exactly this. It was extremely upsetting at the time. But, in my particular situation, it was a drop in the ocean of what was to come regarding controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour. How are things otherwise? Not to scare monger but really struck a cord.

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