to think its a little bit off to host a party for your dc with a sleepover for a select few immediately after?

(132 Posts)
Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 18:41:27

So the 'b' listers get collected and the 'a' listers get to stay the night.

Only serves to make the b listers feel a wee bit shite?

MarmaladeSkies Sat 12-Jan-13 18:42:34

YANBU.The sleepover should be held on a different night.

OddBoots Sat 12-Jan-13 18:43:41

That does seem rather mean, it's not something I've known happen, has someone done this to your child?

littlewhitebag Sat 12-Jan-13 18:43:44

Happens all the time with my DD's friends. None of them think anything of it. The closest friends stay over, the others go home. What is the problem?

Guitargirl Sat 12-Jan-13 18:44:22

YANBU, that's just mean.

Emandlu Sat 12-Jan-13 18:44:30

Sounds perfectly normal to me. It's happened at parties my kids have been to. No big deal, there just isn't enough room for everyone to sleep over.

ClaraBean Sat 12-Jan-13 18:45:24

I think it depends. If the party is 6 kids and 2 are collected and 4 get to stay over, that might be a bit off, but a party of 20 kids and a couple staying the night is fine. You can't have everyone to stay over.
This has happened a few times in ds's group, sometimes he is at the sleepover and sometimes not. It doesn't seem to bother him if he doesn't stay over

TheMonster Sat 12-Jan-13 18:45:49


FeelHardDoneBy Sat 12-Jan-13 18:46:39

I agree with Clarabean, it depends on the numbers of children involved.

Panzee Sat 12-Jan-13 18:48:04

I think it depends on whether my child is invited to sleep over or not. wink

ArkadyRose Sat 12-Jan-13 18:48:25

Sounds perfectly normal to me. It's not as if there's necessarily going to be space to host everyone for a sleepover.

BackforGood Sat 12-Jan-13 18:49:42

YABU. Perfectly normal.
What fool would want a houseful to sleep over ?
Very, very, normal procedure around here. Indeed dd has gone to her friend's party tonight where this is happening, and ds has also gone to a party tonight where I think a couple are sleeping over (not ds).

AndABigBirdInaPearTree Sat 12-Jan-13 18:49:43

I also agree with Clarabean, especially if only one or two are sleeping over.

motherinferior Sat 12-Jan-13 18:50:25

Hmm, my kids never seem to mind. I can see how it could be upsetting if there is a very definite in-crowd though. Possibly I just have brutally insensitive children ...

Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 18:51:12

Why not do the sleepover on another night to spare the feelings of those children who are not invited? Because some of them will most definitely be hurt, no matter how much you don't like to think about it or don't care particularly.

YABU, sounds fine to me, and I can see why the parents want to get the whole party done in one night rather than over two nights.

Meglet Sat 12-Jan-13 18:52:07

I think it's a bit rude.

Rangirl Sat 12-Jan-13 18:53:10

It does seem fairly common but I think it is a bit off and would not do it myself for any of my DC.But each to their own

NewYearsEvelyn Sat 12-Jan-13 18:54:13

YABU. It happens. Kids get hurt even if they find out the sleepover was 2 nights before the party if they are that way inclined. Best to teach them now that they are not the centre of everyone else's universe, even if they are the centre of yours. That's how I dealt with it when dd was younger. Now she doesn't bat an eyelash if she's not invited to stuff or if she's omitted from any form of activity, even if it involves her bestest mates.

You can't have everyone to sleep and sometimes you don't want certain combinations of kids. Not a big deal.

Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 18:54:17

I wouldn't do it either although the childish side of me is tempted in a tit-for-tat stylee

SpicyPear Sat 12-Jan-13 18:55:00

Agree it depends on numbers, and maybe age a bit. It's a reality that you are better friends with some people than others. Nothing wrong with that or getting DVD used to it. It shouldn't be a big deal, unless a minority are excluded.

Emandlu Sat 12-Jan-13 18:55:11

Maybe that night is the only available night, maybe that was the night the parents had extra help, maybe the parent just thought it'd be easier that way. The children going home will only be 'hurt' if their parents make an issue about it. When I picked my kids up and others were staying over they asked why they weren't allowed to stay and I explained that there wasn't room and there was no problem. I really don't see the issue.

Picturesinthefirelight Sat 12-Jan-13 18:56:55

Yabu. Dd has been to loads if parties like thay(&not invited to sleepover)

MerylStrop Sat 12-Jan-13 18:56:58

We've sometimes had 1 kid out of 8 sleepover after a party, or the next door neighbour's kids refuse to go home hang about for ages after.

If the numbers were reversed I'd not do it, though

Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 18:58:25

"The children going home will only be 'hurt' if their parents make an issue about it." - disagree with this. The children going home will be hurt if they thought they were a close friend of the host but find out by this means that they are not particularly.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 12-Jan-13 19:00:22

Depends how old the children are? By early teens this was standard because groups of 10/15 used to go to the cinema and Pizza Hut etf and then 3 or 4 would stay over.

Never knew it to happen at parties when I was younger though.

As a poster has said,depends on how many are attending as well. 2 out of 6 not getting to stay is odd. 3 out of 12 being able to stay sounds fine to me.

Floggingmolly Sat 12-Jan-13 19:01:28

It's not particularly normal in my world, I think it's a crap thing to do.

Proudnscary Sat 12-Jan-13 19:02:22

I don't think it's mean or rude!! Wow the things some people take offence at. Kids have best/better friends. Parents are entitled to ask just a few for a sleepover.

Clary Sat 12-Jan-13 19:02:22

Yeh MI your kids is hard!

It's not unheard of but I agree it's best if it's a small sleepover following a big party (like, 15 at the party, 2 sleep over). I think ew have had it and no-one has been bothered. Honestly can't recall if I have done our old house we certainly had no room for more than 2 to sleep over!

Why would youwant the party to go on for 2 nights? And yes, mightn't some be hurt that they weren't asked to the separate sleepover? Kids just need to learn that some people will be best mates and others just OK mates, and IME they do.

jamdonut Sat 12-Jan-13 19:02:31

Why do a sleepover at all? What is wrong with having a party, then home?
I've never had sleepovers for any of my 3.(Mainly due to lack of space). They've survived.
Besides, when she was younger, the few sleepovers my DD went to I got calls late at night because she wanted to come home! She's 16 now, and is still not keen on sleepovers.(though she has done 2 or 3 without the phonecall home!)

ledkr Sat 12-Jan-13 19:02:44

Dd has done this the last few years. Has ten kids for the evening. Watch movies make pizza do nails etc. then one stays for a sleepover. First year I was hugely pg so just explained I couldn't have too many last year dd just explains to her mates she's only allowed one and to be fair it's her best friend since nursery and she doesn't go to same school and her mum has four younger dc and can't get out to collect her later.

blinkinflip Sat 12-Jan-13 19:03:28

Eek, I was thinking of doing something like this in a couple of weeks - please OP, whereabouts roughly are you? <runs about panicking in case it's our party OP is talking about>

Emandlu Sat 12-Jan-13 19:04:04

We will have to agree to disagree then Mintyy, I know that my kids have been picked up from good friends houses and not been hurt when others were staying over. If there isn't room then there isn't room. It isn't personal.

ihearsounds Sat 12-Jan-13 19:04:12

I have done it and I will do it again. I dont want all the invitees staying. More imoortantly my dc's choose who they want within a set limit. My limit is based on space. My children dont have to like everyone, and they accept that they are not as liked by others. Its the way life revolves.

The birthday sleepovers have been for an number of reasons - only time I can do it for a few months - other stuff arranged with the sleepers - stuff arranged with their parents ( have a laugh/meal/drink) plus other countlesd reasons.

Surely if children are dissapointed tey will be even if on another night?

TheBrideofMucky Sat 12-Jan-13 19:04:56

Yes you'd feel a bit left out if you were in the "being picked up" group, wouldn't you?

They should either have all the children over or if not feasible, have a sleepover another night IMO.

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Sat 12-Jan-13 19:06:15

Nah, is how things are done now.

Same as the Wedding Breakfast/Evening Do thing for A-lister and B-lister wedding Guests.

I don't see a problem.

Portofino Sat 12-Jan-13 19:08:55

We did this for dd last year, but I checked with parents before sending out the invitiations. Dd was 8. Only a couple were happy to stay, so it all worked out fine.

Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 19:10:41

But it is adults being invited to weddings, not small children.

I am not saying its poisonous, abusive or horrible to do this, please note. Just a little bit "off". Imvho.

OddBoots Sat 12-Jan-13 19:10:59

I guess I should just be glad that my dc either don't live in an area where this happens or don't have friends who would see this as an acceptable thing to do.

Sure, they are closer to some children than others but the relationships seem quite fluid and friendly, marking out relationships with an invitation division would start to make things cliquey and uncomfortable.

charlottehere Sat 12-Jan-13 19:12:23

YABU if most children are going home.

MamaMumra Sat 12-Jan-13 19:16:35

I wouldn't do it, but I like DS to be inclusive, so if he's having a party all the class get invited etc.

I'd do a sleepover on another night, so I think YANBU.

simplesusan Sat 12-Jan-13 19:16:47

I think this is just life. Adults often have certain friends stay over whilst others go home. Its' to do with room.

Almostfifty Sat 12-Jan-13 19:17:43

It has happened all the time here since mine were small. Never thought anything of it, it's not a big deal unless you make it into one.

ihearsounds Sat 12-Jan-13 19:23:32

This will twist your knickers.

How about preparty a few select friends of party child go to the cinema. When guests arrive, they are already there.

Have done the above as well. Including a sleep over after.

BackforGood Sat 12-Jan-13 19:26:12

I don't understand why some of you you think having a child to sleepover on another night changes anything confused.
Your child is choosing 1 other friend to sleepover, that means that all the other friends aren't sleeping over, doesn't matter what day it is. Normal people just accept that. Only on MN would something like this be an issue. If I thought a child or their mother was going to get huffy about going home at the end of a party, my inclination would be to not invite them again. I think it's extremely rude, and 'entitled' to think your child should be invited to sleep over.

What almostfifty says ^^ is spot on. "Only an issue if you make it into one.

girliefriend Sat 12-Jan-13 19:29:06

I think its o.kay, although I think its quite brave of the parents to have a party, get the kids really hyped up and then have a few of them all night shock grin

My dds having a sleepover instead of a party this year, just having 3 of her best friends over. I wouldn't do a party and sleepover <tight mother emicom>

Butkin Sat 12-Jan-13 19:31:53

Normal here. Only last week DD went to a cinema party (for 10yo classmate - all girls in year) followed by dinner at local restaurant. A couple of the birthday girls best friends went back with her mum for a sleepover as was Friday night.

The kids don't think anything off it. They know who their best school friends are and completely relaxed about not being invited if that is the case - just pleased to be invited to the party!

RedHelenB Sat 12-Jan-13 19:32:21

YABU - my dds have been both a & b listers!

Bowlersarm Sat 12-Jan-13 19:32:53

YABU The minefield of do's and don'ts of holding a children's party are getting more and more complex. If my DC's are invited to a party they either want to go or not and i reply accordingly. I'm pleased they have been asked and If there are other birthday celebrations in place like a sleepover it's irrelevant if it doesn't involve my child. My only problem would be if it obviously excluded just one or two children

Ds is 13 and dd is 10 and we have never come across this practise yet. (unless ds and dd have always been b-listers and it was all done very discretely...)

I can see why party givers would want to do it this way, but can also see how for a young child it can be a bit upsetting to be whisked off home whilst a select few get to stay and have more fun.

<gets comfortable on fence>

oliviafrombolivia Sat 12-Jan-13 19:40:06

This happened to my daughter at age 9 ish. Party for about 10 girls, her and one other were picked up, she had no idea others were sleeping over, she was hurt and upset..

MadBusLady Sat 12-Jan-13 19:41:01

I think it's a bit off, yes. But at least they're not trying to pretend it's because "there isn't room". That is the pits. I got not-invited to a wedding ceremony because "there isn't room in the barn for all the guests we'd like", slightly undermined by the fact that the reception I was invited to was in the same barn... hmm

MrsSchadenfreude Sat 12-Jan-13 19:41:27

I did this. The previous year we had had 16 for a sleepover and it was a nightmare. We had twelve for the party and two stayed over. It was easily explained - oh X and her husband are popping in for a drink - they only live round the corner, so E will go home later with them - you're welcome to stay for a glass of wine if you would like to, and F lives 20 miles away so she is staying and her Mum will collect her on the way to MK in the morning.

Startail Sat 12-Jan-13 19:41:45

It's fine so long as the DCs all know before hand exactly what's going on and it's handled sensitively.

DD2's lot were very good at understand not every one could stay each time and swapping about on different people's birthdays.

If it's likely to cause upset, staying the night before or a different weekend may be wise.

MrsSchadenfreude Sat 12-Jan-13 19:42:20

I like to think I was quite discreet about it. And it was only two of them.

TheNebulousBoojum Sat 12-Jan-13 19:42:22

Happened numerous times with DD, sometimes she stayed, sometimes she didn't. None of the children seemed to have an issue with it, they knew who were the closest friends anyway.

Are your children actually as bothered as you are OP?

This is something I would get my knickers in a twist about but DD1 wouldnt bat an eyelid.

I have been to parties like this as a teen. Didnt bother me.

MadBusLady Sat 12-Jan-13 19:43:05

I also think say five out of 20 staying over is different though.

TotallyBS Sat 12-Jan-13 19:44:18

Mintyy: I take it that you invite the whole of your DC's class to the birthday party. After all, I'm sure you don't want to hurt the feelings of any one who got left out.

Similarly, when you got married I take it that everyone got invited to the sit down meal instead of close family and friends to the meal and the rest to the disco afterwards.

Dancergirl Sat 12-Jan-13 19:48:24


Its life. No wonder we're raising a nation of wimps who get upset at the slightest thing if we expect our dc to be invite to everything.

Tiggles Sat 12-Jan-13 19:49:12

DS1 is friends with lots of girls. They often have sleepovers for their birthdays but just invite him to the party part. I'd always assumed it was because he was a boy, must be he is only a b-lister grin.
We often have DS1s best friend to stay overnight and then have a group of his friends arriving the next day for a non-birthday party. Never occurred to me that they would be feeling offended and lesser mortals.

My dd got really upset when this happened at her best friends party, except that the other girl obviously didn't feel the same way. She was only eight though and not one of the chosen few.

I still think it's a bit rude even when they are older and didn't let my 15 yo do it recently when she wanted me to drive home three friends and have four stay over. It depends on numbers, different if its a party for twenty and one or two are staying.

Eldest dd was one of two not invited to sleep over out of twelve at cliquey village school, that was a horrible day.

chocoluvva Sat 12-Jan-13 19:51:09

Completely agree mintyy - it's not horrendous, but you couldn't use it as an example of being thoughtful or courteous!

Dancergirl Sat 12-Jan-13 19:52:39

What I don't get about parties is how on earth people know exactly who is and who isn't invited? Do you ask each person or what? Isn't it better sometimes to be blissfully ignorant?

fifitrixibell Sat 12-Jan-13 19:52:58

my dd was invited to a party where this happened - she was one of the 'a' listers, but I know she'd have been upset if she hadn't been - as would I at her age (9). Maybe how you feel about it depends on your personality - I am always a bit insecure and think I'm boring and that no one likes me so I would take a 'snub' like that as confirmation! [needy emoticon]

It was a bit embarrasing dropping my dd off with an overnight bag, and other mums saying they'd be back at 8, but they didn't seem bothered.

Yfronts Sat 12-Jan-13 19:54:23

would only be acceptable if party boy had one friend to stay over and the rest went home.

DoodlesNoodles Sat 12-Jan-13 19:55:21

It totally depends on numbers. If it is a normal party but one friend stays over then it's fine but if a whoe load stay over then it is a bit off. Even if it's just one friend they shouldn't talk about it in front of tHe other DC's

They were all talking about it at the party, that's how my dd knew. Most exciting bit was going to be the sleepover apparently.

Groovee Sat 12-Jan-13 19:56:52

Well DD's godsister will be staying after dd's party in 13 days, but if at 12/13 they find that an issue, then that's their problem. I only have space for one extra child and her mum and dad won't be home for her to go home after the party.

chocoluvva Sat 12-Jan-13 19:58:09

Aww, that's mean Tough.

I don't like evening wedding invites either.

lljkk Sat 12-Jan-13 20:04:35

The children going home will be hurt if they thought they were a close friend of the host but find out by this means that they are not particularly.

But, but, but... that happens all the time. They fall in they fall out they break up they make up. I get daily updates from DD with the same names who are in out in out in out of friendship with each other.

I only think it's off (maybe) if more people were staying than left. That would be a bit sharp.

DD's 3 best mates have had 2 birthday sleepovers without her in last 4 months. She's grown up enough to not let it bother her. Lesson to be learnt there, methinks.

RubyGates Sat 12-Jan-13 20:05:46

YABU. Would you rather your child had not been invited at all?
It's a life lesson: you get invited to nice things and enjoy them, you don't then whine that you weren't invited to another treat. How rude.

It's like complaining that although you were given a present it isn't as nice as a present someone else was given and therefore you won't be grateful, you'll whine about it instead.

Viviennemary Sat 12-Jan-13 20:09:37

I wouldn't do this. On the face of it, maybe it does seem reasonable if people haven't got the space or inclination to have loads for a sleepover. But the ones left out can feel bad especially if they thought they were the particular friend and they find out they're not.

chocoluvva Sat 12-Jan-13 20:11:01

You could equally well say that having a party AND having your favourites staying for a sleepover is spoilt and entitled though - it's my birthday I can do whatever I like.

Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 20:26:53

RubyGates: oh do be quiet! my ds isn't whining or complaining.

Hulababy Sat 12-Jan-13 20:31:53

Not something I'd do personally - its obvious it is going to look like there are two tiers of guests and could lead to some children feeling left out. I personally wouldn't be happy with being the person responsible for upsetting another child in that way.

Not happened to us wither way anyway = definitely not the norm here.

DD has all class parties anyway (small class). If she has sleepovers they are are other times and separate to the party - and she will invite different people at different times anyway.

chocoluvva Sat 12-Jan-13 20:32:19

RubyGates, "a little bit off" is hardly whining or complaining.

Hulababy Sat 12-Jan-13 20:34:08

Like others though one of DD's friends has been known to come back with us after her party, etc and possibly has stayed over. But we are godparents to her little brother and know the family very very well. But all the children in the class and their parents know this anyway - so definitely wouldn't be seen in a bad light at all. Think that is different.

It's more the - 12 to whole party, 6 to stay over type of thing I see as unfair/

teatimesthree Sat 12-Jan-13 20:38:53

Wow, you all expect your children to be pretty tough. MN is full of threads where grown women are getting upset about much smaller slights and exclusions that this (e.g. in NCT groups).

I disagree that it is no better if the sleepover takes place on another night. I would be hurt if I went to my book group and half of them were staying on for a sleepover (unlikely to happen, but you know what I meangrin). But if a sub-group arranged to go away for the weekend together, fair enough.

I am not yet at that stage with DD (thank goodness). But if she went to a party and everyone was talking about how the sleepover was going to be the really fun bit, while she had to go home, I would think it completely legitimate to feel hurt and upset, and certainly wouldn't write it off as whining.

teatimesthree Sat 12-Jan-13 20:39:35

Hulababy, agree that what you describe is different - and completely fine.

mrsjay Sat 12-Jan-13 20:50:04

that has happened with my DDS I thought it was quite normal or not unusual ? i do think you over thinking it tbh was your child upset ?

DeepRedBetty Sat 12-Jan-13 20:52:28

We had a party back in October, there were eight girls at the start but only five stayed the night. But that was because two of them had to go somewhere early the next day and the third was on a partial grounding - her mum had said 'no sleepovers until Christmas' and of course had to stick to it. So it was the girls' own families who had set the rules, not us.

We have had selective sleepovers, but since this is a very rural area, the sleeping over ones are always those from villages that are miles away and the parents are very relieved not to come traipsing out to get them, especially the ones with younger siblings. The ones within walking distance know that x and y are staying over only because it makes their parent's life easier, not because ddtwins like them better than their other friends. And if there's room, the local girls are always invited to stay too.

To clarify, ddtwins are Year 9 (13-14 year olds)

inappropriatelyemployed Sat 12-Jan-13 20:57:39

It's about manners and the way you want your children to think about other people.

You want invite lots of people to dinner and tell half of them to fuck off afterwards. But it's ok because it's children. Nice.

inappropriatelyemployed Sat 12-Jan-13 20:58:07

That should be "you wouldn't"

RubyGates Sat 12-Jan-13 21:00:52

Then there's no problem is there?

chocoluvva Sat 12-Jan-13 21:03:49

I don't think it happens here all that often.

I had never thought about this/heard of it until this week.. But today dd has been to a party, all of the class were there, 4 were staying on afterwards. There were definitely two different groups and it was a little difficult especially as the mums of those staying pushed off and the rest of us hung around...
To be honest it created more of an atmosphere with the mums rather than the kids, though dd is a little sad that she isn't having a sleep over

dixiechick1975 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:06:38

DD is having her first sleepover for her birthday.

I spoke to the 3 mums of the invitees - 1 said yes, 2 said no. So I did 1 invite for tea party + sleepover, 2 for just tea. Seemed best way to do it confused

chocoluvva Sat 12-Jan-13 21:11:10

It seems a bit excessive tbh.

Maybe these are parents who find it hard to say no to their children - isn't it enough for the birthday boy or girl to have a huge party? Must they have a sleepover as well.

I used to give my DCs the choice. Actually - I was too stingy to host a whole class do grin

Timetoask Sat 12-Jan-13 21:14:26

Agree with op.
Either do a party, and everyone leaves at the end. Or do a sleepover with a few close friends. Not nice to exclude children.

iseenodust Sat 12-Jan-13 21:14:29

YANBU it's not a nice thing to do.
Just read all the threads here on MN 'I introduced A to my friend B. Now they go out for a drink sometimes without me and I feel left out' and that's from adults.

Squiffie Sat 12-Jan-13 21:24:57

YANBU. I hate all this kids party business! DS moved to a new school this year (into reception but most of the other kids went to the same nursery) and 2 or 3 kids have had 'whole class' parties with the exclusion of the couple of 'new kids'. Even at 4 ds was aware of the exclusion. Our kids are little people with feelings that can be hurt!

chocoluvva Sat 12-Jan-13 21:27:55

It's the adults who are hosting it - of course children fall out with each other - but the adults should be encouraging their children to be considerate.

crookedcrock Sat 12-Jan-13 21:37:50

Never come across it.........yanbu.

maddening Sat 12-Jan-13 21:47:05

If less than 50% were sleeping over then no probs - if out of 5 friends 3 stayed over I would think that mean for example.

expatinscotland Sat 12-Jan-13 21:48:01

YANBU. Rude.

InNeedOfBrandy Sat 12-Jan-13 21:51:05

Er do I know you? Did you collect one of the 3 that left dds party tonight and didnt stay like the rest? Everyone was invited to stay was up to the dc parents if they could or not.

Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 21:55:00

No, not you Brandy!

Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 21:55:27

(not everything is about you)

HollyBerryBush Sat 12-Jan-13 21:56:12

How old are the children involved?

This is perfectly normal at secondary school - fairly large group party/outing and 6 or 8 sleep over.

Primary school children tend to have hysterical mothers who are all far too concerned with popularity - as defined in the OP by A list and B list.

lockets Sat 12-Jan-13 21:56:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InNeedOfBrandy Sat 12-Jan-13 21:57:13

I hope not! grin

Are you sure? MN is a small place really and didn't you flounce minty?

WorraLiberty Sat 12-Jan-13 22:01:36

I suppose it is a bit shite really.

But I'm more shocked the parents have the energy to host a sleepover straight after a party...I could never wait to get rid of the feckers and open a bottle of wine grin

diddl Sat 12-Jan-13 22:04:39

Seems odd to me.

But then the sleepover is part of the party, so can only have as many guests as that allows.

Pineneedlesandsuch Sat 12-Jan-13 22:07:56

I held one like this but we just said, anyone that wants to stay over can, that way people who were going home had chosen to themselves.

Could it be that the children staying would not be able to come otherwise, because their parents had other plans?

diddl Sat 12-Jan-13 22:14:14

I always found sleepovers easy to do.

Would cook whatever meal was wanted then clear off upstairs with wine & leave them to it!

HollyBerryBush Sat 12-Jan-13 22:15:57

Ds(12) went to a 30 hour sleep over - now thats what I call above and beyond the call of duty - and I have absolutely no intention of reciprocating grin.

I did throw the very shattered parents a bottle of wine, pronounce then insane and thabk them profusely for my very relaxing weekend.

She did a big party thing, skating, fun fare, pictures, sleep over, lunch and a pick up at 6pm - not happening in my life time!

Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 22:23:00

I did Brandy. Hated the way that thread went and was really disgusted at the way you were bullied.

But I have slipped tonight ... blush

InNeedOfBrandy Sat 12-Jan-13 22:29:39

Aw minty I thought it was about bread why you left, but thank you the claws did come out.

Glad your back, we all need a good flounce sometimes it gets rid of the cobwebs

ledkr Sat 12-Jan-13 22:38:14

I hate sleepovers cos no matter how many times you ask them they never shut up.

Butkin Sat 12-Jan-13 22:41:07

Don't you find that the children invited to sleep over are usually a) best friends that come to visit all of the time anyway b) children of parents friends or c) children that live a long way away?

Children get into cliques and certainly DD knows exactly who would sleep over with whom after any given party. She wouldn't care less unless it was one of her particular set and then the invitation would be a formality. She hates sleep overs though so would probably refuse!

Not read whole thread but read all of op's posts....

How many children were at the party and how many stayed? This makes a big difference imho. If 10 at party and 2 or 3 stayed you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If 8 stayed YANBU. If somewhere in the middle there is room for debate...

Which is it?

TheOriginalSteamingNit Sat 12-Jan-13 22:53:02

I wouldn't do it. But have had a mum say to me 'just a few are sleeping after so we're not saying it to everyone but....'. At which I'm afraid I was pleased dd was one of the Chosen, but it's not something I'd risk,and it would make me feel guilty if I did.

Not read the whole thread as it is late, but this happened a couple of years ago with a 'friend' of DD's. 10 girls invited, 5 were sleeping and 5 not. It was shite. The ones who were sleeping played upstairs and wouldn't let those who weren't sleeping in with them ( I think they were 11 at the time). We collected DD who said how rubbish the party had been.

Funnily enough, two of the girls who were sleeping were cold and miserable as no proper bedding available, so phoned a parent at 1am to collect them. They were told to let the party Dad know they were leaving and they found him in bed with the 'babysitter' who had been helping out with the party.

He is not and ex Corrie actor, oh no

Journey Sat 12-Jan-13 23:06:20

I think it is very insensitive if it is a small party. The dcs invited to the sleepover will surely mention it during the party making the ones not going feeling left out.

I'm surprised by the number of posts who think it is okay especially for incidences where 4 dcs are invited to a party but only 2 for the sleepover. That is extremely rude and hurtful in my opinion.

Have now read some more of the thread, and it says it all really that people are saying that they would be 'pleased' if their DD was one of the chosen ones for the sleepover.

Human nature I know, but that is also why the DCs feel as they do.

Them and us.

lockets Sat 12-Jan-13 23:23:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherPhase Sat 12-Jan-13 23:32:07

This is pretty normal IME.

Mine are generally a b listers apart from with closest friends. They've never expresssed upset at this ...they go, take a gift, have a nice time and come home.

I haven't done it myself, but have done it the opposite way round whereby mine have had a sleepover the night before a party with their closest friends, and then invited a couple more for bowling etc the next day. It simply boils down to space for us.

Jux Sat 12-Jan-13 23:33:31

Seems pretty standard round here.

I agree that it is a shit way to find out that you're ot a close friend when you thought you were, though. Depends on the age of the child too.

PaellaUmbrella Sun 13-Jan-13 00:12:10

I don't have children old enough yet, so don't know what the "norm" is, but it strikes me that to host a party and then have a selective sleepover afterwards is a pretty shitty and insensitive thing to do.

InNeedOfBrandy Sun 13-Jan-13 00:19:23

From my experience had party tonight, invited everyone to sleep over but knew half would not accept as they had never even been over for tea and I didn't know their mums, all dc played nicely no one was excluded due to not sleeping and the 3 dc that went home went home without no fuss. I wouldn't of wanted all of them over tbh but I would of got on with it if they had all accepted. Neighbors dd went home about 11 as she doesn't like staying over night anywhere and now four dc are finally asleep on the sofa and air bed. (phew)

So I suppose in my situation tonight dd best friend (who we know and know the family very well) stayed, her other friend who we have over for tea and I know her father quite well stayed and my friends dd stayed so it could of been classed as A and B friends but it really wasn't meant like that more they were already familiar with me and my house then The others.

I might have a party in future where her best friends stay over and not the others but I would hope it wouldn't leave others feeling left out, it really is a case of do I know that dc well enough to tell them to shut up and go to sleep when considering sleepovers in my house (apart from her sleepover pj party this evening)

bigTillyMint Sun 13-Jan-13 11:01:31

Mintyy, good to see ya! Sorry if your DC aresad

I too must have brutal DC as this happens in both their circles of friends and it is just accepted as totally normal. Sometimes they sleep over, sometimes they don't. They know that we won't have more than 4 sleeping over at a time, and so understand that other families are the same.

Actually, thinking about it, they generally do get asked to sleepover - maybe it would be different if they felt like they were deliberately being left out.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 13-Jan-13 12:40:39

I dont think its any different to holding a party and then not inviting the whole class. This seems a very acceptable thing to do yet its still leaving children out.

Different people handle things differently, i know adults who wont go to wedding evenings only as they believe if they are not good enough to be allowed to see the actual wedding then they are second class.

threesocksmorgan Sun 13-Jan-13 12:44:23

the world does not revolve around your child. the birthday child is allowed to have a sleep over if they want.

Pandemoniaa Sun 13-Jan-13 13:18:46

DP and I went to a party last week. We'd already been invited to stay the night afterwards. Oddly enough, none of the friends that weren't staying over took offence. They just went home. We are all still speaking.

Now I realise we are talking about dcs and not adults here but the principle of not everyone always been able to sleepover after a party seems to be something that you need to learn to cope with. It doesn't help to suggest that children are being divided into 'A' and 'B' Listers when there might be all sorts of practical reasons why the host can't accommodate everyone who goes to the party. I do think that the impact on those dc who don't sleepover can depend very much on how their parents present the situation though. If you give your the impression that they are 'second class' friends who are clearly not liked enough to stay the night then your dcs will probably reward you by feeling exactly that.

TotallyBS Sun 13-Jan-13 13:19:55

DD was recently invited to a birthday party where she was on the so-called B List. She wasn't BFs with the birthday girl so she was happy just to be invited to the party.

If she was BFs with the party girl AND she wasn't invited to the sleepover then I would consider it my problem and not the party girl's. Afterall, as the above poster has said, life does not revolve around the OP's DC and what might hurt his feelings.

I would have asked my DD to re-examine her friendship and suggest that she demote the girl to just a friend she casually chats to while in class since clearly the other girl didn't see DD as a BF.

chocoluvva Sun 13-Jan-13 15:48:54

Equally though, "life does not revolve around" the birthday boy/girl.

If it's not possible to have all the invitees to sleep over there's nothing wrong with having nobody sleep over.

hattymattie Sun 13-Jan-13 16:03:16

I never knew this was an issue - quite normal round here - already children are sorted by being invited or not invited to the party. I think it's accepted that best friends may stay the night. I've never had an issue about not going to the sleepover. Can't you put a positive spin on it like "they want to see everybody but they haven't the space for everybody to stay but they did invite you."

MerylStrop Mon 14-Jan-13 19:26:54

LOL at "demoting" friends
That's not how it works, is it? Friendship?
I think it all depends on numbers and proportions
90% sleeping over = mean
20% sleeping over = fine
Rubbing people's noses in it in anyway = revolting

lockets Mon 14-Jan-13 19:51:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrittaPerry Mon 14-Jan-13 20:02:44

When I was little it was usually:
Morning: aunties, cousins etc come and go

1pm best mate comes to help set up, do hair etc. often children of parent helpers too

3pm rest of party arrive - about 15 of them

6pm end of party, all but about 3 go home

Sleepover for remaining 3

It was a pretty standard setup, except some people had their party at a place rather than at home.

You know who your friends are <shrug>. There was a bit of fluidity but that was just what happened.

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