To not want to have any more sex with my DP because of his beer belly?(143 Posts)
Basically, it's his choice if he wants to drink beer and have a big belly because of it. I still love him and he is still my best friend. I love him, unconditionally however, I cannot fancy him unconditionally.
Would it be too mean to say no more sex until we can do it the way I want to instead of having to take his belly into account all the time?
Please don't just use this as an excuse to be really rude about him and make jokes about him - I do still love him very much, I just don't enjoy sex now his belly is big.
Know exactly where you are coming from! Yanbu
I'd hate for my dh to say the same about me.
Have you told him how you feel? And that you are worried for his health? What does he say?
Do you look exactly the way you did when you met? Will you expect a roll in the hay when you are old, grey pubed and wrinkly?
"I've put on weight over the years, bigger than I used to be, mainly gone on my stomach. DH says he won't have sex with me till I lose weight ."
See what I am saying OP?
I don't think its beer belly specific. Its that should you have sex with your DP if you don't fancy him.
Obviously not, you shouldn't have sex with anyone you don't want to.
However I would say, as a woman who (like most of my friends) has regularly ballooned through pregnancies and then taken some time to loose the weight and is certainly not the same weight or state as when we met, I'd feel devastated if my DH said that about me.
You not fancying him and not wanting to have sex with him is imho a massive deal. Does he know how you feel about this?
Since when did his belly have anything to do with sex????????
Surely sex is an act of love not vanity?????
I cant stop drinking beer every night and am now clinically obese. My husband does not appear as attracted to me as he did..
I dont think people would be telling her hes a cunt for that either
She has a valid point. She didn't say she didn't love him, she said she finds it difficult to have sex with him. I knew a friend in a similar position. She manned up and broke it to him gently. He lost 2 stone. Ageing is inevitable. Being unhealthy or unhygienic is easily sortable.
I don't think it's about being perfect, or staying the same. It's about a general respect for your own body and your partner's feelings. If I put on a lot of weight (through choice) then I wouldn't expect my DH would still fancy me. But I wouldn't expect him to REFUSE to have sex with me. YANBU.
Of FFS. OP, you will get battered for this unfairly I might add.
She is making a comment saying she is no longer attracted to him and telling us why. It is not unreasonable for her to say this.
I have up and down in weight since I married my husband and 2 c-sections have left that unsightly belly overhang thing. I would be so hurt if he said something like this to me.
There is a major difference between supporting your partner in making lifestyle changes and expressing concern for their health and insulting them via ultimatums.
I get what many of you are saying. No I'm not perfect malteserzz and I am not the exact same shape as I was when we met BUT i did recently lose 2 stone becasue i was no longer happy with how I looked (DP says he thinks I was fine as i was and am fine now.)
I have been saying to him for quite a long time (probably years now) that I struggle to feel sexual about him now his belly is big. I have been subtle and i've been obvious. i have also told him that I'm worried for his health (carrying all your fat around your middle is very dangerous).
i knew there would be people who said, stuff like will you expect him to want you when your old and ugly etc.... But I'm not saying it to be mean. I don't like being rude and hurting him. BUT what can i honestly do if i struggle to have sex with him. I could weep when i think that i will probably never again get to have sex with the man i fancied so much before.
mrskeithrichards I get what you're saying you'd hate your dh to say that about you BUT if he had been saying for years that he struggled with a part of your body that had changed due to what you were eating or drinking would you ignore his feelings or try to change the part of your body that was causing the turn off???
I think saying "no more sex until we can do it the way I want to" sounds unreasonable. Having a very delicate and honest conversation about how you love him, but the belly has affected your physical attraction to him, is the right way to go, not giving him conditions and ultimatums.
xpost OP, well obviously you have tried to tell him... so what happens when you do say these things to him?
If its physically turning you off and physically getting in the way then I understand.
And I'd understand if DH felt that way about me if I got fat.
He's obviously drinking too much to have developed a beer belly.
That would worry me as much as any unsightliness
OP, how does he react when you communicate this to him?
Since when did his belly have anything to do with sex????????
Surely sex is an act of love not vanity?????
it has everything to do with it. We can only make love with me on top, i am not allowed to look at him naked because A) he is embarrassed and B) it definitely wouldn't help get me into the mood. So instead of looking at the person I love and having spontaneous sex i have to try not to look at him, try not to touch him around that area and be perched up there on top of him.
I have not given him this ultimatim YET. i have had a gentle conversation with him SEVERAL times about this. when i tell him that i would definitely want more sex with him if he could get a slightly flatter belly he tells me that i wouldn't want any more sex whatever he looked like (like i don't know my own mind.)
OP, just how big is he?
Are you also concerned for other reasons?
Is he depressed? Why is he drinking so much?
I don't think i'd have approached this as you have, if the same was said to me i'd be deeply hurt but otoh you are being honest, and there is something he could do about it
When I talk to him about it he says stuff like, it's not what i eat i just need more exercise (and then does nothing) or he says, i need to cut down on carbs (but it is not a carb belly).
He has always drunk a lot of beer but when we first met he got a lot of exercise so it never caught up with him - of course now we are both in our 40s and we don't get enough exercise it is catching up with him.
i thought he was going to turn over a new leaf for NY but yesterday he came home with a fridge pack of beers and a giant bag of peanuts. on the one hand i think it is up to him what he eats and drinks (he doesn't tell me what to eat) but on the other hand why should i make love to him if i don't want to.If he had looked like this when we met i would not have gone to bed with him and yet now i am expected to have sex regularly despite not feeling turned on by the way he looks.
"I've put on weight over the years, bigger than I used to be, mainly gone on my stomach. DH says he won't have sex with me till I lose weight ."
See what I am saying OP?
No I don't really.
If it's getting in the way of the physical act like that he must have a large beer belly.
You can't force yourself to be attracted to something you're not. It also sounds like you've been completely honest with him, but he's not prepared to deal with the issue.
I'm going to really stick my neck out here and prepare myself for a potential flaming... I can totally see where you're coming from, and it would turn me off even more if my DP seemed to make no effort to change. It's not about what happens when you get old and grey, we all age, you've asked him to work on this aspect of your relationship and he has made no effort at all to meet you half way.
Have you tried more sex? If he needs exercise and doesn't believe you will want more.
I think YABU. I get you're concerned about his health and aren't as keen on Cowgirl - both reasonable concerns. But like one earlier poster said once you're in a committed relationship then intimacy is about so much more than feeling physically attracted to your DP.
I'd also be far more concerned about the root cause of the drinking and wanting to help him fix that than add to worry with such an ultimatum.
Whether someone eats too much, drinks too much or in any other way doesn't look out for their health fully they have to want to change it for themselves not to meet an ultimatum.
Talk to him and maybe suggest some counselling so he can figure out why he drinks so much?
That description really doesn't sound very intimate at all. No wonder you'd rather not have sex.
Get on top. bob up and down. Don't look at me. Don't touch me.
It's more about a physical release (probably more him than you ) than actual
I hate myself for typing this and shall have to do it in a silly 'voice'
Perhaps you should say that you find this sort of sex deeply unsatisfying and that you don't want to do it any more. If you can't touch him, look at him or anything, then what IS the point?
Can the two of you take up exercise together? Go for long walks? Take up badminton - anything. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it's getting you active.
has he put on much weight in the last year?
I think YABU. He's been made to feel embarrassed because of his belly by you. That must be really hard for him to deal with. I don't understand how you can love someone and be put off by them physically? I'm sure I have loads of flaws and so does my DH, but it's never put me off seeing him naked. You seriously have some issues.
He is 6 foot tall and probably about 3/4 stone heavier than he should be. the rest of his body is great. he has a lovely little bum, chunky muscley legs and lovely arms. Then in the middle of his body there is a great big solid belly (like a third trimester pregnancy belly). sex literally revolves around the belly.
that's 3 or 4 stone not three-quarters of a stone!
OP, absolutely YANBU for not wanting to have sex with somebody and YWDNBU to not do it out of duty, which is kind of where you would be if you listened to many other posters who have said 'it's just about love etc'
I would not want to have sex with somebody if I was not attracted to them either.
All other things considered, it sounds as though he has real health problems and actually needs to lose weight in order to prevent future obesity-related morbidities and I know it's easier said than done, but could you perhaps encourage him to go for a check-up - get weighed, blood pressure and lipids etc., maybe do the same and see what other issues if any crop up?
Fakebook of course you can love someone and not be physically attracted to them!
does he know that you don't like his belly?
Since you are no longer sexually attracted to him, and he seems unwilling or unable to lose the weight, do you still want to be with him?
Know someone who ended a relationship because of similar thing: they are both now married and have a baby: she with someone healthier; he with someone who doesn't mind his drinking habit/weight.
yanbu where is the fun in sex for you if thats all he will tolerate. i think i would be majorly turned off too for that rather than the belly. it sounds like he is letting it get in the way ... ie his confidence is restricting what youre "allowed" to do in bed. i wouldnt be happy.
fakebook I don't think i have issues. i said from the start that i love him unconditionally i just can't feel sexy about a big solid belly. i'm not asking him to get abs and a six pack just to be a bit flatter.
hpsaucy the belly has developed over the last erm.... maybe 7 years.
He has suffered from depression over the years and i know he drinks beer for all the wrong reasons.
lovesbeingathomeforchristmas he has said on so many occasions that what he needs is more exercise nudge nudge and maybe i should have more sex to help him lose the weight but to be honest that is crap - he needs to stop drinking beer and eating fucking peanuts in the first place.
What BunFagFreddie said.
I don't think you are BU at all op. If you approached your dh to start with in a sensitive way and he didn't listen I would say he is the one being U. Physical attraction is important. Is your dh depressed?. Why do you think he drinks so much?.
Is there anything you could do together that would encourage him to be healthier whilst bringing some togetherness back into your relationship?.
I still want to be with him. he is a good father, a good husband and my best friend. If i didn't love him so much i wouldn't continue to have sex despite feeling the way i do.
My ex used to say it was my weight that made him have erectile dysfunction. That I no longer turned him on. It couldn't possibly have been how he had abused his body with drink for 30 years.
All this ate away at my confidence, made me depressed and comfort eat and drink. It was a vicious cycle.
I broke the cycle by getting rid of the exh and finding a lovely man 10 years younger than me who loves me unconditionally and makes me feel great about myself.
So OP, YABVVU indeed.
He's had check ups and been told to lose weight. he's made plans to diet, exercise etc. We've talked about exercising together. i've offered to help him lose weight, i offered to go teetotal with him. see i'm not such a bloody bitch, am I!!!???*
I think you need to stop talking about his body in terms of sex and start talking about his health, that you are worried about him and you don't want to be one of those old woman who's on her own because her DH died a good decade or so before her due to not looking after his health.
Then say would he be prepared to think about getting healthier and losing a little weight for you? Start small, suggest he cuts out the snacks, or eats healthier ones. If you could get him on lower calorie drinks that would be good too.
Then once you've had a few weeks and got some results, start talking about how much more sexy he looks. Telling him he's unattractive isn't an incentive, getting him to lose a little weight then being complimentary would be more likely to work longer term.
manicbmc I'm sorry you got stuck in that vicious cycle and i'm glad to hear you now have a lovely new partner.
ps. would you still fancy that new partner if he developed a big old belly on him and it changed the way you made love? just asking cos you think i'm VVU.
Your ex was abusive manic and projecting that here is not relevant or helpful
I don't think there is anything really wrong with what you're saying, I think you should tell him.
If you don't want to have sex with him, for whatever reason, you shouldn't.
You just have to be prepared for him to be upset.
Also how would you feel if the ultimatum doesn't then spur him into action? Will it make you feel he maybe doesn't care enough about your sex life to change and how hurtful that is or do you think you will go back on your word. Am not saying he won't change but you do need to think about where this will lead.
If DH said this to me, I would think it was coming to the end of our relationship.
True but it hits a raw nerve.
Tbh my dp has put on a few pounds due to me feeding him stews and cakes but I love him just the same. He could put on more weight and it wouldn't bother me at all. Of course if he had health issues because of that then I would worry about him.
Maybe if you'd worded this in an 'I'm concerned for my husband's health and want him to lose weight' way instead of making it about sex and how he looks?
From what you have described YANBU.
I fail to see how anyone can have sex with someone they arent sexually attracted to.
Glad you found someone lovely manic
What's the op's choice? Have sex when she doesn't want to or a celibate marriage. It's not fair, but that's life isn't it.
YANBU op. Hobson's choice, wish I had a magic answer but hope you work it out.
sashasashays I really don't want it to be the end of our relationship. so much of it is really good. he makes me laugh so much and i know that he loves me a great deal. that's probably why i haven't ever actually said NO MORE. I honestly don't know if it would spur him on. when he came home with the peanuts and beer it was like a big slap in the face like he was saying i really couldn't give a fuck about you or how you feel.
dontmindifido unfortunately whhen he had his blood pressure taken recently they said he had the blood pressure of an athlete and he has had other checks which have shown him to have a good strong heart so he tends to think that all the bad stuff diesn't apply to him.
thanks for sticking your neck out Bunfagfredddie nice to have someone understand how i feel.
FFS people - a belly the size of a 3rd trimester pregnancy is bound to make sex difficult! I know mine did, but being female there were several ways around it.
It sounds to me like the OP and her DH do both want more and better sex. Unfortunately his shape forms a real and practical barrier to this happening.
She shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to.
He shouldn't have to lose weight if he doesn't want to.
It sounds as if the OP has done her damnedest to discuss their sex life in an open, honest and adult way. What should she do? Lie?
Oh, God. I sort of see where you are coming from and sympathise slightly. It doesn't make you unreasonable - but maybe a little shallow. Lovemaking should surely be about expressing your love for someone, otherwise we'd none of us be monogamous, we'd just be having hot, lusty sex with whatever horny looking passing stranger who offered it. It's a bit of a teenage attitude IMO to judge solely on looks.
Personally I'm just pleased that my DH still finds me sexy after all these years and wants to make love to me - despite my stretch marks, saggy boobs and the odd grey hair and wrinkle. I'd be very sad if he didn't want sex simply because I don't look like I did in my 20s. (And after 5 kids, I definitely don't). I think it is tellling that your DH still fancied you with your extra 2 stone and yet now that you have lost it you think he should shift weight too. You say you are not allowed to look at him because he is embarassed - but that is probably because you have made it clear to him that you find his body a turn off. Apparently you have been telling him for years that you struggle to feel sexy about him. The two of you seem to be locked in a cycle where you criticise his appearance and nag him to lose weight and he closes his ears and stubbornly refuses to be nagged by you into doing so. I think you need to focus on getting back the love you say you feel unconditionally.
I think you are very reasonable - he is taking your love for granted.
I wonder if he was dating again he'd suddenly be trim again but he doesn't feel he needs to. It happens all the time.
But it isn't about looks. It's about attitude to himself and his wife as well.
when I met my DP 12 years ago he wasnt big at all probley a mens medium. fast forward to today and he now wears 4xl. I couldnt love him more his size is never an issue sexually NEVER!!!
I think your blowing it all out of proportion
I don't think you're being a bitch but that might be how he acts after the ultimatum.
I think you should tread carefully, can you just stop having sex with him and see how that goes.
Issuing him with the ultimatum might open up the whole issue of where your relationship is going if you start talking about feeling you can't have sex with him anymore and the way him not caring enough to change makes you feel.
it has everything to do with it. We can only make love with me on top, i am not allowed to look at him naked because A) he is embarrassed and B) it definitely wouldn't help get me into the mood
How is it reasonable that anybody has to make love under these circumstances
sowornout In answer to your post.... I cannot express my love for him - i have to have sex in the same position, without wandering off the routine for fear of encountering the belly. I lost the 2 stone recently - his belly has been growing and getting in the way for over 7 years. Of course i understand that neither of us is gonna look like the people who met all those years ago. i've had children - my body has changed too. if there was something about me that he struggled with i like to think I'd listen and make an attempt for him.
a female friend of mine used to over indulge and she developed quite a big belly, she asked her husband if he still found her attractive and he said yes but i'd rather you didn't get any bigger, she continued to out on weight and asked again if he found her attractive - again he said well erm.. yes but i'd rather you didn't get any bigger. she continued to over eat.... eg. she obviously didn't care that much whether he bloody fancies her or not.
beer belly is a bit of a misnomer. men tend to put weight on in the belly area and a beer belly isn't usually the sole or ever the main cause of a gut in middle aged men.
Get him to do a low carb diet and (if he won't give up the drink) drink vodka and diet tonic/coke and have unadulterated almonds instead of peanuts.
MEh, I don't think it's unfair to distinguish between a beer belly and a more uniform weight distribution. this is a beer belly. Compact, round and firmish.
newgirl i suspect he would bother for a new person (or new girl lol). he has said before that he thinks that women who say they don't want sex with their husbands are being unfair and the the husband is then left with no choice unless they want to be unfaithful. i suspect if i told him tio go get it elsewhere he would struggle to find someone who wanted sex with him.
just to clarify - i do look at his face, arms and chest i just never venture lower. i don't really know what would happen if i tried to look at his belly or lower during sex
I suspect that if i had been fine with his belly all along then we would be having a better sex life - it's not all him - it is also down to my dislike of his belly that the whole routine has evolved.
mimmytoz god, i wish i could feel like you do. my life would be so much easier - don't you struggle to find the belly appealing???
maybe i am just a shallow hearless bitch
marlene OMG fortunately that isn't what I'm talking about here. BUT it is solid like that as opposed to a more general spare tyre.
I have suggested that he drink wine or shorts if he feels he really needs a drink but before i know it the beer cans are piling up in the recycle again.
YANBU but I think you're underestimating the difficulty for him (and for your friend who kept getting bigger) in breaking the eating and drinking habits. He clearly knows that the belly is unpleasant - he hates it so much that he doesn't want you to see or touch or refer to it.
The fact that he won't deal with it doesn't mean he doesn't care what you think but again like your friend eating has become a salve for self-disgust/depression and the worse he feels the more he'll eat/drink.
nevermindthebuzzcocks, without wanting to sound like a couples therapist on a cheesy American chat show... Do you think that your lack of attraction goes deeper than the beer belly?
Tell me if I'm getting this wrong, but it sounds like you see his innaction as a sign that the you and the relationship are not worth his time and effort. It's not like you're asking him for anything unreasonable. You would like him to make an effort to keep the physical side of the relationship alive. You shouldn't sleep with someone you don't find attractive, that's not very nice for you in all honesty. Sexless marriages only works when both parties are happy being that way. His health is also at stake and that must be worrying for both of you. He isn't respecting himself, you or the relationship.
I don't know the answer, you love him and that makes it very difficult. It's a very sensitive situation.
funbagfreddie and soulresolution thank you. You have both hit the nail on the head.
I think, if i'm honest, i feel hurt that he doesn't care how his belly effects me. and i'm thoroughly pissed off with the amount of beer that gets bought and drunk in this house - by him. as you say soul maybe i'm under-estimating how hard it is for him to make those changes.
I suspect i will do nothing more than have another talk with him about his health, dropping in huge hints about our sex life and he will do nothing and we will still be here next year
it doesnt bother me tbh. I love him, he is very inventive in the bedroom department and it never had effected us.
but everyone has different ways of handling things
You say he has suffered depression and drinks for all the wrong reasons so I would suspect that this is playing a large part in his inability to work on stopping the drinking and lose weight. When I suffered depression some years ago I put on a lot of weight, it was not helped at all by my partner at the time informing me all the time that I was getting fat and unattractive. thankfully he left me and I found someone kind and understanding who help me through the depression. I have now lost the weight.
If you know there are psychological issues behind his drinking and weight problems you telling him how ugly you find him really is not going to help. In fact I would go as far as saying that you are only making it worse.
does he drink every day? Are we talking about an alcohol dependency here? How many units / week?
Being stuck like is such a sad feeling nevermind and likely to lead to you feeling less and less love towards him. I hope this doesn't sound trite but is there any physical activity you could both get involved in? He's been pronounced healthy so he should be able to cope with it. Maybe biking would be good as it won't make him look conspicuous like running would?
I have spent years struggling with my weight and overeating because I was miserable about my weight and the whole vicious cycle. I have finally lost the weight by using intermittent fasting - I don't know if your dh would go for it but the good part is that apart from the one/two days fasting a week you can eat and drink as usual so you're not being cut off from the comfort it gives you.
How much beer, does he have an alcohol problem, or is it 3-4 units a night kind of thing?
If he is indeed depressed, doyou think he would be able to acknowledge the fact, OP?
And if he's depressed, the alcohol will be a complicating factor.
I find this thread so sad,i really do.
DH has lost 10 stone between February 12 and now, so I kinda see where the OP is
not coming from pardon the pun, and yes the bedroon gymnastics are a lot easier - but I never ever stopped fancying him.
YANBU, you can't help it whether you fancy him or not.
My DH is starting to put on weight (through depression and other issues) but he is very aware of it and unhappy about it. I still fancy him completely but I do worry that if it carried on then I may not. I worry about the same thing but he has aways fancied me regardless but I have issues around eating/weight so I work hard to keep my weight down. I am very insecure about it myself but him being overweight has never bothered me - he gets upset that I think that he would be bothered about my weight.
He is also quite a bit older than me so I do worry about his health as it is all round his belly which is the most unhealthy place for it to be. Also heart problems run in the family so it is a worry.
I have dropped some hints but he knows thank goodness. It may be that I would fancy him unconditionally but I am not sure how anyone could guarantee that would be the case until it happens.
can only really help with the science: alcohol is a carbohydrate, chemically speaking - a simple one, lots of sugar, no nutrition.
he's taking in too many calories and not doing enough exercise, which is why he is putting on weight.
we all change as we age, but to let yourself go like this is not good. Something else going on?
hope you can sort it. But it seems to be all about what HE wants at the moment.
Here's your OP written from a DH point of view. I have swopped beer for chocolate and 'him' for 'her':
"Basically, it's her choice if she wants to eat chocolate and have a big belly because of it. I still love her and she is still my best friend. I love her, unconditionally however, I cannot fancy her unconditionally.
Would it be too mean to say no more sex until we can do it the way I want to instead of having to take her belly into account all the time?
Please don't just use this as an excuse to be really rude about her and make jokes about her - I do still love her very much, I just don't enjoy sex now her belly is big.
I wonder how many people would say YANBU if a man had written this?
I do think if you loved him enough you would overlook the belly ...hmmm. I think obviously you fell in love with a much slimmer him but was it his body you fell in love with or his mind? I guess it is always a micture of both but I often think over time a physical love should evolve to a more emotional/spiritual love but mabe I am living in cloud cuckoo land? Just think how will you feel when he gets wrinkly and looses his looks.
FWIW; I lost a lot of wieght and felt amazing; i have put it back on again and feel fat and unattractive so kinda know what you mean.
Trouble is if a man was posting this about a women there is no way any of you would suggest that she loose wieght is there?
Totally sympathise, OP. YANBU.
I think it would be perfectly valid from a man's point of view. You can't make yourself fancy someone and OP has already said that the problems go beyond his physical appearance. Everyone knows that the aging process is inevitable, but OP is talking about her DP choosing to abuse his body with food and drink and bugger the consequences and how she feels about the relationship. His selfish attitude is the real problem here.
If he is depressed and has a drinking problem he needs help of course, but OP isn't saying that she doesn't love him and won't support him.
The drinking alone would be a deal breaker for a lot of people.
BunFag I'm not saying it wouldn't be valid but I'm betting MN response would be different.
Just imagine the uproar if a man replied to this thread with:
YANBU OP, my DW eats loads of chocolate and her massive backside is a real turn off. But I still love her
You can't force yourself to find someone attractive. You can adore them, and still not want to jump into bed with them. And if someone is putting those kind of constraints on your sex life, then that is a huge turn off in itself.
However, both what he is doing, and the way he is reacting to your concerns, suggests that there is more than just a beer belly going on here. Sounds like he needs some professional help for his mood and weight, and possibly his alcohol consumption as well.
MrsLouisTheroux, he would get get the shit ripped out of him for sure!
There's more than a big belly going on here, like SirBoobAlot says. I think the belly is a very tangible, physical thing that OP can say is a definite problem, but her partner clearly has issues that are not so straightforward. So, it's easier to blame it on the gut!
I can understand, it seems shallow, but it's not all about sex and his appearance. That's just the manifestation of a deeper problem. Sorry if that getting all over analytical, it's the best way I can think of explaining it.
so it's more to do with the fact he's choosing beer over you generally? the money spent, the cans piling up. the belly growing.
YANBU - you can't force yourself to fancy someone! I also agree with the people who've suggested that it's about more than the belly - you mention feeling like he chooses beer over you and that must be very hurtful, as well as obviously being concerned about his health issues and potential depression etc.
Sorry not to be able to offer any useful advice - I'd think about suggesting to him that he see someone about his drinking, it sounds like it's getting out of control if it's causing all these problems between you.
Very true superstarheartbreaker and MrsLouisTheroux. If a bloke came on here with the same dilemma then he would be absolutely crucified and probably banned from Mumsnet. Us men are always being criticized for being shallow and judgmental of looks, but i think in reality it is the other way around. Also i don't believe drinking alone causes a beer belly, check out the regulars at your local. Are they fat? they certainly aren't around these parts!
Sometimes I think women are just too picky - 3 stone, whislt a good old set of love handles on a bloke, doesn't stop any sexual position I can think of. Three stone on a woman, because they are built differently - it can be quite inhibiting. But that comes down to socail conditioning rather than ability to perform the act
TBH with you Dad Dancer, Like you I know a fair few blokes who have the ability to sink way over limits every night, they remain within the BMI parameters for healthy - but those sorts of blokes are manual workers and its taken off during the day. Office workers who drink the same and are sedentary tend to bloat up. I'll factor in I don't know one woman with 2+ children who has managed to keep a perfect 10, even they suffer aging and increase to a 12 no matter how much effort in the gym is made. Shapes shift, thats nature.
OP your dh is pretty much the same height and weight as mine, my dh us probably 5 stone heavier than when I met him. I should point out I am no skinny little thing (am size 14-16) although I was the same when we met.
I have never really changed how I look at him , he is the only man I have ever had sex with actually the only man I have ever seen naked! I just see him and think "great it's dh!" Not "look at his arse!" Or " he better lose weight". To me your problem is deeper than just a weight issue .
To be honest OP it doesn't sound like this is about the belly. The way you talk about the belly (it getting in the way, neither of you being comfortable touching it or looking at it) makes it sound like you have deeper problems relating to each other.
People who have a healthy relationship don't stop fancying each other because one person's appearance changes slightly. They fancy each other because they are into each others' personalities and their relationship is in a place where sex is an expression of deeper feelings.
I can see why one would reject a one night stand because of a beer belly, but not a long term, loving and loved partner. I think you may have issues with his attitude to other things (his depression? a perception of him letting himself go? a perception of him not making a small effort to make himself attractive to you? a perception of him not looking after his health? an annoyance that you lost the weight but he can't be bothered?) rather than the belly.
How you have sex sounds disfunctional in itself, it's not just about the belly. Plenty of people manage to work round different body shapes, but not being able to look or touch parts of your partner's body seems to me a sign of deeper problems.
I hope I have not upset you, I don't mean to.
I'll factor in I don't know one woman with 2+ children who has managed to keep a perfect 10 I have 2 and I have. I know plenty of mums who have managed to keep in shape.
My opinion would be the same whether a man or woman posted the OP. if one partner is restricting the sex life of the other to one position with no variation because of an issue they had no intention of trying to resolve, i would have sympathy with the person who isnt causing the problem but is expected to put up with it regardless.
Yanbu. You are not a machine and you should not be expected to have sex unless it is something that you want to do. I can't believe that anyone would want you to or think that yabu
I don't know one woman with 2+ children who has managed to keep a perfect 10, even they suffer aging and increase to a 12 no matter how much effort in the gym is made. Shapes shift, thats nature.
Increase to a whole size 12.
Wow the subscriptions to Closer magazine seem to have increased by the sounds of things.
YANBU. Anything like me and you'll have tried to soft- soap it for years, realising what a sensitive issue it is and how badly any criticism could be taken - how counterproductive, even - but I wish now I' d pushed it ... he' s now staring possibly nasty health consequences in the face and I'm ANGRY at DP for not sorting it sooner. Those who think OP is unreasonable I understand but sadly I think this is one of those got to be there to get it situations.
My best advice - be cruel to be kind. Tell him you''re terrrified about health consequences and that it's also very unattractive, sexually and emotionally. He should care you''re not attracted to him physically or his attitude.
Hi, sorry I went off line for a while. Just wanted to say that I do totally get that some people would feel that if a man said this about a woman it would be considered wrong. Personally I think it works the other way too. We can't choose what makes us feel or not feel sexy. If I could still fancy him I'd be delighted. I look at photos from maybe a decade ago and I could weep because I'll never make love to that man again.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
YABVVU Way to go if you want him to go elsewhere...simple as that. Missionary position is not the best with fat tums though lol...there are others.
I think YABU
We all have times where we're not at our best.
This is an opportunity to show your love is unconditional.
What if you get ill next year? Would you expect him to shun you because of appearances?
I don't think love for our partners is unconditional. That's an ideal.
You're being honest OP. YANBU
There is a world of difference between loving and being sexually attracted to someone who ages naturally, develops grey hairs and wrinkles and puts on a little bit of weight to doing the same for someone who has an extreme weight gain
My ex became v overweight. He once developed a skin infection where his beer belly was in contact with his thighs. Redness in the crease turned into ? Thrush?
He still expected sex.
Was I turned on? No. Do I matter? Apparently making him feel sexy is more important than me according to some on this thread. I don't consider myself shallow for finding 5stone and consequences of that a turn off
Current DP is not Adonis. It's not an issue because its not extreme.
ukatlast just to clarify - are you saying that women should have sex with their DPs regardless to ensure they don't go elsewhere?
neveronamonday I agree with everything you have said, I think looking after orselves shows our respect and love for our partners. I don't think it should be to the extreme either way ie ensuring we look exactly the same as before DCs etc or when we were 20 but I think it is important.
I've posted on here once but I really think people are being very harsh on your dp. Fancying someone is not unconditional and I don't want to say you are being unreasonable in feeling this way but I do think that if you genuinely love your dp and want to help him lose weight you are not going yo do this by telling him this and getting angry at him.
I really think from your description of his drinking and your sex life that he is possibly suffering from depression and self esteem issues and is using drink as a crutch in the same way as I used cake when I was depressed. I ate because I felt shit about myself and having a dp who was constantly critical about the way I looked as I gained weight only drove me to eat more. Then, of course, I felt even more shit about myself so ate more and dp was more critical and told me I wasn't making an effort and so I felt even worse and ate even more. It was finding a dp that assured me he adored me whatever I looked like and was there for me whatever that finally allowed me to realise that food had become a crutch for me and that I no longer needed it as I had him to lean on.
I know this is a bit rambly but what I am trying to say is that if he is drinking for similar reasons to why I ate then being critical of him and telling him your love is somehow conditional on his looks will drive him away from you and simply to drinking more. The best thing you could do to help him lose the weight is to make him realise that you love him no matter what and are there to support him no matter what (of course after 7 years of being told by you that your attraction to him is conditional it might take some work for him to actually believe you). You can then help him to deal with the reasons he is drinking and why he feels so crap about himself, if he had treatment in the past for depression it might be worth him goi back to this or looking at counselling or self help groups.
You can't just 'man up' out of depression and telling someone they are ugly and you don't fancy them anymore really is not going to help them deal with their self esteem issues.
On a slightly side note I think if a woman posted on here and said she had suffered from depression in the past and for the past 7years her dp had been constantly critical of her appearance to the extent that she could no longer deal with him looking at her during sex because she knew she revolted her there would be lots of shocked and appalled, leave the bastard faces being made. Even with the drinking she would be told to look for help to deal with her drinking. I don't think many people would be saying her dp was completely reasonable and she should just sort herself out, stop drinking and lose weight as she had brought it all on herself.
hammyimo this isn't really q case of a time when he's not at his best this is almost a decade of systematically increasing his belly.
I don't think it can be compared to another sort of change - if he had lost a leg in the war I like to think I wouldn't be so shallow as to not want him sexually.
Can I just confirm I have not been telling him he is ugly for years. He sometimes says you don't fancy me anymore and I always reply - I love your face, your legs and bum are great but I am, as you know, struggling with your tummy.
We often tell each other we love each other - because we do.
I have not actually refused him sex I'm asking WOULD it be wrong? Because I don't want my sex life to be like this for the rest of my life.
Lastly, I don't think a man should make love to someone he no longer finds attractive either.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Neveronamonday - alas we have been down that road so many times. He is always GOING to start swimming but then decides he doesn't want everyone looking at his belly in the pool. We manage the occasional walk but not enough to have an impact.
No YANBU. Sex is also about attraction.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I can completely understand why he wouldn't want to go swimming, being nearly naked and surrounded by young fit people when you are self-conscious about your body is a bit nightmarish! Not sure a gym would work either -you're not quite as exposed but still surrounded by very fit (and often a bit competitive) types, male and female, which will only exacerbate his bad feelings.
I suggested biking when I posted last night - it's a fun thing to do together and people often find they improve quickly, doesn't require any special equipment other than the bike, is low impact and suits all shapes and sizes - is he not interested?
If you don't want to have sex then don't that's that but you must talk to your dh about it and give him the oppertunity to lose the weight.
However, if you think it is just going to be as simple as that you may be in for a shock.
Some people will take that as the last straw and start losing weight.
But for others this will just be another added pressure and although your dh will probably want to lose the weight and enjoy a full relationship with you it may not be something he is able to control just yet.
Do not take this as a sign that the relationship is over or that he doesn't love you!
Also having a huge stomach does not mean all you can do is go on top! Trust me this is rubbish and you need to be talking to your dh about trying different things in the bedroom as well as about him losing weight.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Imagine how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
I wouldn't tell him, it would shatter him
Instead why not come up with new meals that are lower in fat, ask him to gradually his alcohol intake and go on walks together and maybe take part in a more active hobby together as a couple?
Unless severely overweight, I Don't think it would be right to withhold sex.
Withholding sex isn't the right way to go about it and tbf he will lose more calories taking part than not at all.
reduce his alcohol intake
May I ask if it is just sex that is the problem? Are you and your partner still otherwise affectionate, snuggle up on the sofa, hold hands, kiss etc?
Also is the no touching/looking at his abdomen rule his idea or yours?
Tell him how you feel. I tell my dh if he's eating too much junk or is getting chunkier, likewise he's mentioned to me too. We support one another on eating healthier and exercising. I've suffered with my weight all my life and work really hard to control it, it's a constant battle but I fight it for me first and foremost. I really don't think it's wrong to broach with a partner, if my dh was to gain loads of weight it would really affect our relationship.
Neither of us are skinny, we are average build and I have plenty wobbly wobbly bits but it would get out of hand if we let it slide.
If the shoe was on the other foot I think I'd make the effort for him. God, I'd hate someone to be making love to me and wishing I had a smaller belly or whatever!
To answer the question regarding affection, we do hold hands and snuggle on the sofa BUT he has started putting a cushion over his belly which has the effect of making it larger. We don't always sleep in the same bed because he now snores - again this never happened before.
We do have bikes and we do sometimes go for bike rides with our children but again it is rare. TBH he could do an hour on a bike = great and them come home and drink 8 cans of beer = what was the fucking point of the bike ride.
Sorry if you have posted and I've not answered - I'm reading all the posts and am very grateful for your comments - it's just that I'm on my phone so struggle to name check.
Ps. We did go for councelling years ago regarding another matter and his drinking was touched on then. I fear I'm going to have to suggest more councelling.
The drinking is the issue. Only your DP can tackle this.
All you can manage is your reaction to it. You should never have sex out of obligation or as a favour to demonstrate your commitment.
He obviously isn't committed enough to stop downing pints of beer.
I can understand this. And men do stop fancying their partners due to weight gain, all the time. They might not say it, but they do.
I think the problem is an alchohol dependency, and the fact that it is making him uptight and weird about sex.
I have been with men of all shapes and sizes, in fact the guy who was the best in bed was also, objectively, the one with the biggest belly and the "ugliest " face. I thought he was ace. This was mainly due to the fact that he had bags of confidence and no massive ego getting in the way. And he was a genius at oral sex
Self consciousness and ego are the enemies of great sex, more than bellies.
If I were you I would shower him with love and reassurance. That is far more likely to help him change his ways than reminding him of his shortcomings.
You love him. Be his friend, be on his side and help him feel better if you can. If he needs more than this, get him in touch with a counsellor or group who may be able to help with his drinking.
I think there is more to this issue than the size of your dh belly op. I have a dh with a big round belly and he is slightly shorter than me. However we have a healthy sex life and no issue seeing each other naked, touching etc. years of practice mean we know each others 'preferences'. Imo good sex is not about perfect bodies slotting together like jigsaw pieces, it is a good connection on an emotional and imaginative level.
I worry about dh health and want him to lose weight and yes i would find that more attractive, but I still enjoy sleeping with him as he is now. Sexual rejection is hard for anyone to deal with, I understand the lessening of your attraction but it is a sad situation for you both.
I hear you. Same situation with me. Two years ago,after the birth of dc2 I made a determined effort to slim down and more importantly, get healthy. I went from a size 14 to now a size 6 but husband has remained at 16 stone. Quite frankly, he is too heavy on me to have sex. Tis difficult. And I sympathise x
IfNot i gained weight AFTER being rejected by my husband over a number of years. So sometimes it happens the other way round too.
After losing ten stone i had a long term affair. The guy i had the affair with wasnt what you would call conventionally good looking. But My God the chemistry and connection between us was electric. I kept the weight off during my affair because i had a reason to. OM and i split 5 years ago and i comfort ate after my affair ended. I am now trying to put it right.
I guess what im saying is when you hear a man saying he is no longer attracted to his wife because she has gained weight, dont always assume he is telling the truth. He could have rejected her first.
I thought my situation was unique until i posted on here 18 months ago. Then i found out that it wasnt.
I sympathise too, op. .
DH also has a beer belly now. I adore him physically and always have. However, he is self conscious of it, and this can be off- putting, but more off putting is the thought - if you don't like it, why not try to change it?
I think the way to go is to encourage the healthier lifestyle and be clear, say its affecting your relationship and what can you do together to change that...
Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories. I'm so grateful to those who said I had a fair point. Those of you who felt I was being unreasonable - fair enough, I accept that it may come across that way.
Just waiting for the right moment to have a really good talk to him. X
Do a Google on the omentum (the proper name for the beer belly) and get him to read about the possible health issues that go along with having a big one (omentum, of course ).
He's obviously self conscious about it and would prefer not to have it. Exercise won't do a lot to get rid of it, I'm afraid, but a change in diet and what he drinks will. I would recommend (and I'm not a dietician or a doctor, I just have a husband with a belly, and have recently shed one myself) looking into low carb ways of eating, and swapping the beer for spirits with sugar free mixers.
There's a book called 'Wheat Belly' (I forget who wrote it) which might be worth a read. Cutting out wheat products (including beer) would probably bring the quickest results.
I sympathise with the way you feel about his belly - perhaps approaching it from a health perspective would take some of the more emotional aspects out of the discussion? Best of luck, it's not an easy topic to bring up in a way that doesn't put extra pressure on him and make him resistant to change.
If hes embarrassed, then help him with it, go out for walks, eat healthily, have a chat about his drinking, and agreed a weekly limit, get fit together and you'll both a much closer, healthier couple.
Dont demand things and say no sex, because this will damage his confidence even more.
The amount of 'YANBU' on here is shocking to me. I don't understand how physical imperfection stops you wanting sex with the person you are in love with.
There is a current thread in the reverse (the OP's husband says SHE is too fat for sex) and the posters are saying 'leave the bastard!' Yet on here, everyone's supporting you, OP. It's the same scenario, why so different a response?
OP, focus on working together to get him fit and healthy, that's a great plan. Your feelings are deeper than the physical and you love your DH. For a beer belly to get in the way and stop you wanting sex is , particularly for your DH. I feel really sad for your DH and for the OP of the other thread. I'm afraid I think YABU.
Hyva, I saw the thread on relationships and there are quite a few differences.
Primarily the other OP is a size 12 so not even fat, this OP says her husband has such a large belly that its getting in the way of the physical act.
Also this OP is trying to help her husband rather than just saying too fat, don't want him anymore. He hasn't accepted help, won't change and seems to think its not that bigger deal despite its ruined their sex life. She also still wants to be with him and ays she loves him.
It's a different situation, although yes it is typical mn contradictions to some degree.
I think a constructive talk about how much you love him and why you are concerned would be good. I think an ultimatum would be unfair and counterproductive.
Thinking about it from my perspective, I am now six months pregnant and have a massive belly! I would be devasted if my DH said "no more sex" until after I had dieted following the birth. (I know pregnancy different to drinking beer but it may well take a while to get back to "normal" afterwards.)
I think there is a world of difference between extreme weight gain thru' beer and pregnancy.
A size 12(other thread) is not comparable to the OPs DH.
Two separate issues.
I also find all the suggestions that OP does all the weight loss work and motivating. Encouraging and supporting...yes. He needs to stop putting a beer can to his mouth. Simple step. for him
Hyva I agree with you.
And unless we have seen both people involved we have no idea how big they are at all so we can't all start screaming about how a 12 isn't fat and that the beer belly is huge!
But as is usual on MN the man is a bastard and the op should leave him for not wanting to have sex with her, but the op of this thread gets tea and sympathy and the fat man must be given the ultimatum and stop putting the beer can to his mouth....Maybe Cabbage you could pop on the other thread and suggest the op stops putting the cream cake in her mouth
Wrong all round hyva and jaquelineHyde.
Despite the wording of the title it became clear after a few posts that the real problem here is the dh's attitude to his own body. He hates it so much that he refuses to have sex in any way other than with her on top and is paranoid about her touching or referring to the belly in any way. This has taken all the pleasure and affection out of sex for her - understandably - and hence her wondering if it would BU to refuse to do it any more. He also constantly says that he will do something about his weight issues but then can't seem to go through with it which I'm sure anyone would find really frustrating.
The situation on the other thread, where the partner is rejecting the op in a cold and cruel way, is quite different.
Agreed 100% Hyva and JaquelineHyde
As is all to often the case, objectivity is in short supply here
Why would I tell a size 12 to stop eating cream cakes when there is nothing to suggest she does anyway?
Why would you not see alcohol abuse as a problem?
Thanks FDM for the proper word. I have found some really interesting stuff on google about Omentum. Some of it scares me to death.
I am genuinly concerned for his health too - as his best friend I should be being more forceful about this.
i hope i can't be compared with a man who refuses sex with a size 12 woman in a cold hearted way . i will pop over to relationships now to have a look.
I don't think you are being unreasonable. I wouldn't fancy my OH if he got fat. It's not something i find attractive. I make an effort to keep my body in shape and i nearly always look good. I would be hurt if he didn't make the same effort. I'd probably end therelationship if he refused because i would take it as a confirmation that i'm not worth the effort.
Yanbu my wife got fat so I told her no sex until you loose weight as I couldn't maintain an erection around her.... she's talking about divorce now which I think is her being unreasonable. I have six pack abs and she is overweight its hardly fair, as soon as we got married she piled the pounds on as if she didn't have to make any effort anymore!
ahem. i haven't namechanged for this but I find it quite pleasurable when DH gains weight and has a beer belly, when I'm on top it rubs rather nicely just in the right place. Try it - just thought I'd throw that in there!
Part of the problem here is the comparative element - the fact that the OP has made an effort in the last two months, and he hasn't. And she clearly resents that.
Are we really saying here that people with beer bellies can't have missionary sex where the man is on top?!! Clearly not. There are plenty of 20-stone gentleman making excellent love to their size 20 wives, and more power to them both I say.
I appreciate your candour, and I'm not having a go, but I do think YABU only from the perspective that you think "talking to him" (while witholding sex) will make things work.
No one likes being lectured. He's clearly either not happy with himself in some way and resorting to comforts he knows, or maybe trapped in a cycle. Get outdoors, do things together, find a way to change his metabolism without looking like you're changing him.
YANBU to not have sex with someone you don't fancy. But I don't like the thought that both partners have to maintain a weight ratio of some sort in order to continue a sexual relationship. Mothers gain weight during pregnancy, yet expect husbands to fancy them on either side of birth even if it takes two years to return to their former shape. People's metabolisms change, it's part of life..
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