If I say no to his proposal despite really wanting to marry him?

(36 Posts)
alisunshine29 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:40:25

DP and I have been together for 4 years, 2 kids - 1 his step daughter, 1 our daughter. We're sickeningly happy - no doubts at all that I want to be with him forever. He's hinted he will propose this year. However, when we met he was seperated from his wife whom he still hasn't divorced. I don't believe we should be engaged til they're divorced, despite them having no contact. AIBU?

chocoluvva Fri 11-Jan-13 13:41:28

NBU IMO.

WorraLiberty Fri 11-Jan-13 13:44:53

YANBU but why wait until he proposes?

Talk about it now

BabsAndTheRu Fri 11-Jan-13 13:48:10

Yeah, get that divorce pushed through. What's the delay?

Dahlen Fri 11-Jan-13 13:48:14

What Worra said

Personally, I wouldn't even live with someone who hadn't started divorce proceedings at the very least, and I would prefer it to be completed. Once you've thrown your lot in with someone to the extent where you live together and have a child, you run the risk of losing everything if something happens to your DP but he still has a wife.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 13:51:06

YANBU. My now DH was still married to EW when we met and although I knew they were never getting back together, he hates (did then and still does now) paperwork and the divorce was not forthcoming.

After mentioning a few times that I had no desire to be with a married man, I finally said on Christmas, don't get on the plane to come and see me at my mum and dads unless you have completed and submitted paperwork for your decree absolute (he already had the nisi) becasue i am not interested.

Guess what happened?

BabsAndTheRu Fri 11-Jan-13 13:51:23

Unless he has made a will, if anything happens to him you get nothing and the wife gets the lot.

WorraLiberty Fri 11-Jan-13 13:52:29

I have to say though, it's a bit odd to be fine with having a baby with a married man but not to want to get engaged to him because he's married.

alisunshine29 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:53:40

I'm not financially reliant on him. He has made a start to the divorce as it's his new years resolution to become divorced but doubt it'll be finalised this year as he doesn't know where his wife is etc and she's likely to make it difficult.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 13:54:21

I agree worra

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 13:55:04

He doesn't know where she is?
You can get one by default after three years separation I think?
Look into it.

WorraLiberty Fri 11-Jan-13 13:55:05

Does his wife have no contact with the DD?

millie30 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:55:41

Why would she make it difficult? I'm assuming he has been separated for over 5 years now so he can do it without her consent anyway.

alisunshine29 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:56:57

Knew someone would say that Worra! When I fell pregnant things were different - i.e his wife was around and wanted a divorce as she wanted to re-marry.

Peevish Fri 11-Jan-13 13:57:23

I find this a bit baffling to be honest. You've clearly thrown in your lot together, live together, have children together, are committed - so why is he 'hinting' about proposing marriage, as if you are about 19 and in the first flush of teenage romance? You're already essentially married - if common-law marriage still existed, you would fall into that category - so why so coy? Just discuss it like adults!

alisunshine29 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:59:17

It's my DD, not his. She would make it difficult regarding finances - she has said she wants money despite him having none.

alisunshine29 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:02:09

We've discussed it - I just haven't said outright "I'll say no if you propose unless you're divorced" as wasn't sure if I'm BU.

WorraLiberty Fri 11-Jan-13 14:02:42

Oh I see sorry. Does he have any children with his wife?

If they've been separated for 5 yrs (I assume it must be nearly that at least) he doesn't need her permission to divorce.

BabsAndTheRu Fri 11-Jan-13 14:04:42

It's not about being finically dependant, she will automatically get everything that's his, if you have a joint mortgage etc she gets his half as well as his pension and your child together would get nothing. It shouldn't take that long to get divorced, pretty sure like the other posts have stated it can be done without her consent.

Pandemoniaa Fri 11-Jan-13 14:15:27

I know this is probably a ridiculous and outdated opinion and I don't usually have much time for outdated thinking, but....I'm a bit meh about people getting engaged when legally, they aren't actually able to get married.

On the other hand, I can't see anything wrong in having a sensible talk about how you see the future panning out and if this includes marriage, discussing it in principle. You can always do the formal proposal bit after the divorce but you don't have to make the whole issue of marriage off limits so far as longer term plans are concerned.

Purple2012 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:20:27

I wouldn't buy a house with my bf (now husband) until he was divorced. He had been separated 4 years when we met and he didn't see the point when he hadn't been in a serious relationship.

I wouldn't have bought the house with him if he had still been legally married, to protect myself. If something had happened to him she could have claimed some of the house and as it was my money that made it possible for us to buy I wouldnt risk it.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:25:46

That's not true Babs She won't automatically get anything if he's intestate and my guess is, he isn't likely to still have a will that she is the beneficiary of.

The courts would automatically find in favour of his children.

chris481 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:37:55

If intestate the wife gets all his personal assets and the first £250,000 of his financial assets. The children only get something if he leaves more than that.

BabsAndTheRu Fri 11-Jan-13 15:05:01

Sorry, according to my solicitor if you don't update your will, if not divorced, your spouse gets the lot.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 15:06:48

That's assuming he has a will.

If he is intestate, then that's not due process.

Either way, this happened to a close family member, no will, kids got most, wife (long time divorced) got some. It is not a done deal.

BabsAndTheRu Fri 11-Jan-13 15:07:33

If not a case of her being in an old will, if no will at all then spouse gets the lot. So many people don't have a will, I only got one made when I separated from my husband.

BabsAndTheRu Fri 11-Jan-13 15:10:12

Basically think we all agree YANBU and get DP to get going with that divorce. Oh and make a will. Lecture over

Floggingmolly Fri 11-Jan-13 15:39:39

It's a bit of a nonsense getting engaged to a man who's appears to be uninterested in divorcing his first wife. Are you sure he's about to propose?

Crinkle77 Fri 11-Jan-13 15:41:41

what is his reason for not divorcing her 4 years and 2 kids later. Is it to do with money and having to pay her a divorce settlement? A bit strange if you ask me

I moved in with current DH when I was still married. I had covered my arse a bit with my DF having Power of Attorney and a Will. My worry was I get into a car accident and the person who decides to switch me off is my old DH. I did get the divorce eventually, I was just crap at paperwork and couldn't be bothered.

EuroShagmore Fri 11-Jan-13 15:46:06

It shouldn't take that long to sort out a divorce when they have already been separated for so long. I'm not sure if he needs to track her down for it (legal proceedings can usually be served at the last known residence but I'm not sure if that applies to divorce proceedings) but if does, just hire a private detective.

MoodyDidIt Fri 11-Jan-13 17:03:07

yanbu

he should have at least started divorce proceedings by now

HollyBerryBush Fri 11-Jan-13 17:09:07

Engaement is an understanding to marry.

You both have that.

An official engagement is just the public declaration.

DH and I were engaged before he was divorced, and come to think of it, I'd booked the church as well grin

parttimer79 Fri 11-Jan-13 17:14:19

YANBcompletelyU
I've been with DP 2 years and he has been separated for 3. His divorce has proceeded slower than we would have liked due to some serious financial wrangling but he has his Decree Nisi and did before we moved in together.
We are now expecting a baby and have arranged finances/life insurances etc to protect both the DC from his marriage and the new baby.
We have what Holly calls an understanding to marry but no way am I getting engaged before that absolute is signed and sealed! Don't want a wedding with the bump so am happy to wait although it does make me feel slightly vulnerable.
If he wants to marry you he needs to get himself divorced, simple!

Longdistance Fri 11-Jan-13 17:29:43

Just give him a push in the right direction to the solicitors

Yanbu either.

holidaysarenice Fri 11-Jan-13 17:32:28

The answer to the will question is actually a lot more complicated. How the house gets left depends on the type of agreement you bought, joint tenants or tenants in common.

Also if it all went to his wife, you would be entitled to claim against her for your child. Likewise if he had had a child and left it all to you, mother of that child could have claimed from you.

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