To think about leaving my husband over a bike?

(135 Posts)
Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:31:35

Sorry,a bit long. I'm currently on parental leave following ML. My ft job has relocated and we would have to move for me to continue with my company so I'm taking as much (unpaid) leave as possible before having to make that decision. I've been looking for another job locally and was offered one on Wednesday. My OH is being made redundant end of march. On Wednesday after telling him I'd had an offer he came home and told me he'd bought another bike for £600. I'm fuming because a. We don't know about his work situation from march and b. I don't know if I want to take the job and c. I had thought I'd made it very clear I didn't want him buying a new bike as he still owes a couple of thousand on his credit card. Now after doing a bit of checking (he left a web page open on his iPad) it seems very unlikely bike was £600 and was probably more like £2000!
I took both DCs last night and stayed away but am thinking of whether I need to do more? Thoughts please??

MarilynValentine Fri 11-Jan-13 13:33:37

OMG what an irresponsible and selfish thing to do.

Is this typical of him?

I too would be furious. He put his own desires and whims comfortably before the needs of his family angry

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:34:26

The bike shop has just confirmed that even the ex demo sells for £2775

CheeseandPickledOnion Fri 11-Jan-13 13:36:56

WTAF? He's put a fricking bike before his family and finances? And he's in debt. Ridiculous, selfish, immature.

You need to make him see how irresponsible he's been.

KenLeeeeeee Fri 11-Jan-13 13:37:23

Buying the bike when your finances are precarious = irresponsible.

Lying about the actual cost of said bike = mindbogglingly selfish

YANBU to have gone for the night. Does he often think and act so self-centred? If it's uncharacteristic of him, I would rage then ask him to return the bike & insist that future big purchases are discussed honestly before money changes hands.

If this is typical of his general outlook on family life, then YWNBU to consider leaving for good.

MarilynValentine Fri 11-Jan-13 13:37:57

Unbelievable - what a prick.

Does he have form for being selfish?

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:39:34

It's not unusual for him to want good stuff ie. all the Mac stuff and he is pretty poor at managing his finances. He's never really saved (I paid the deposit on the house) but he's 43 yo fgs and he knows that our situation is precarious and I'm just completely dumbfounded and saddened about this.

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 11-Jan-13 13:39:53

You did the right thing leaving last night.

What was his attitude when you confronted him?

I guess he needs a chance to make it right. For him to do that I would tell him he needs to a) send the bike back and be honest about how much it cost and b) you guys need to arrange your finances in such a way that once you are both earning you get your own money each month to do what you want with but joint money is for the family only.

McNewPants2013 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:40:44

It's the lying that would annoy me.

HecatePropolos Fri 11-Jan-13 13:41:36

What did he say about it when you talked to him?

If you're not working together - you don't stand a chance. If he can't see the finances don't allow for such a purchase, then I'm not sure what you can do.

What do you mean by 'do more'? What do you think staying away for a night will have done? Have you spoken to him since you left? What's his view now?

Longdistance Fri 11-Jan-13 13:42:15

Omg! What an utter idiot he's been.

What a complete waste of money [shocked]

In my experience, my dh has done similar, but we've always been ok for money, but he's wasted money on shares without informing me.

Definitely make him stew.....

HecatePropolos Fri 11-Jan-13 13:42:34

xpost.

he sounds like he needs to grow the hell up.

I want I want I want my toys and I don't care about anything else.

I don't really see how you can work with that, tbh.

JustFabulous Fri 11-Jan-13 13:44:25

Classic spending money before he actually has it in the bank - even though you would have potentially earned it.

What do you WANT to do? Never mind what others think you need to do.

catsmother Fri 11-Jan-13 13:45:14

Speechless.

Irresponsible, selfish, arrogant and dishonest.

Why did he lie about it ?

... because he knows that he's being a selfish entitled irresponsible wanker that's why. Even £600 in the circumstances, and without discussion, would be awful. But this is (probably) about 5 times worse (moneywise).

He's also treating you like you're stupid.

Am so very sorry you're being treated like this.

Did he make any attempt to justify his selfishness ? .... and that was while he was still trying to fool you he'd "only" spent £600.

It obviously has to go back. If he won't do that, and, show you a whole heap of remorse and apology, then this would be a dealbreaker for me. Can't stand people in so-called relationships who act like their wants are so much more important than their partner's, let alone people who prioritise their fun above their kids.

ArtemisatBrauron Fri 11-Jan-13 13:46:16

It's not just over a bike, though, it's the deceit over the price and the total lack of thought for you and your DCs involved in blowing £2000 (SERIOUSLY?!)on a bike which is obviously not an essential purchase.

If he returned it and got the money back would that make you feel better or is this more like the tip of the financial iceberg? Would he understand and try to change or would he do it again?

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:47:26

He wouldn't discuss it, just rolled his eyes. I didn't know until now that it looks like he lied about the bike price. I was pissed off enough when I thought it cost £600! I think because he knows he's due some redundancy money in march he thinks he can spend what he likes. He's currently covering sick leave at another company (complicated) and he's counting on that being extended but there is no guarantee.

catsmother Fri 11-Jan-13 13:47:44

Artemisa - it was more like £3000 !!!

ceebie Fri 11-Jan-13 13:48:51

If it was me, the only way I would stay with him is if I had full control of all the family finances - i.e. he gets a living allowance in cash from me each week and no access to any credit or debit cards, or to our account without my ok. Otherwise I couldn't stay with someone who would put his selfish desires above feeding and clothing his children etc

Pootles2010 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:49:09

How has he responded to you staying away? Does he see how serious this is?

catsmother Fri 11-Jan-13 13:51:23

So sorry for you - when everything's up in the air at the moment re: his employment and yours, there's no way you should be spending money on anything except essentials 'cos the future's so uncertain. Any normal, responsible person would put plans for fancy toys on hold until you know what's happening - and then, it should quite obviously be discussed and agreed between you both. He's acting like he thinks he's something special and somehow more "entitled" to spend than you are - or else he'd have talked to you.

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:55:55

He sent me a text about 8pm asking if I was going home and when I said no, another one asking where I was. That was it. I came home today hoping the bike would be gone, a card, flowers, chocolates. Nope. Half an hour ago i rang and texted him to say I know he lied about the bike price and that he needs to think about taking it back but have heard nothing from him. I'd like to just leave again because i don't think he gets it yet but don't like the idea of bringing friends into it and my family live abroad so I'd have to stay in another crappy hotel

BelleoftheFall Fri 11-Jan-13 14:01:15

So he owes at least £5-6000 now? I'm guessing that the bike has been put on a credit card as well?

You need to take a long hard look at where this is heading- you say his spending habits have always been bad, but are they getting worse?

In your situation I would probably be asking him if there were any more items that have been put on credit cards or other hidden debts. He's lied to you about how much the bike has cost, he may very well have concealed other spending.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:01:20

Do you keep your finances separate? Just seems a totally bizarre situation all round.
If money is tight, staying in a hotel is not a good idea.

How often has he done this before? What do you consider to be your options at this time?

DontmindifIdo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:01:43

you wouldn't be leaving him over a bike, you'd be leaving him over being irrisponsible, lying to you, running up debts he's not sure he can service, not realising that at the grand age of 43 he is a grown up and has a wife and (at least 1) child who should come far a head of his hobbies and his personal wants.

He gets to buy a £3k bike once he's sure his family is debt free, financially stable and he's certain his family has £3k spare to spend on non-essentials.

It's not about the bike. DH has a selection of bikes in this price range - however he would never do something this irrisponsible. Buying a bike like this (or anything that's a non-essential) when you are in a shitty situation is basically saying "my family comes second to me". That's worth leaving a man over.

DontmindifIdo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:02:34

Don't leave BTW - tell him too.

HecatePropolos Fri 11-Jan-13 14:03:50

It doesn't much sound like he gives a shit, does it?

yani Fri 11-Jan-13 14:04:42

He needs to grow up.

Can you log back into the website and cancel the order? Bit sneaky I know, but he started it!

Failing that, phone the cc company and see if they can cancel it.

Such selfish behaviour. I'd go fecking mental.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 11-Jan-13 14:05:51

How are your finances set up?

Do you have a joint account?

Is your name jointly in the mortgage, what about bank accounts?

I would be looking to seperate myself from his finances immediately.

I'd also sell his bike and pay off the credit card debt he has racked up under your name.

But then I would not consider there to be any future with a man like this.

yani Fri 11-Jan-13 14:06:30

Sorry, just seen he has already taken delivery of it.

He needs to manage his finances.

I agree, tell him to leave and take his effing bike with him

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:08:20

Fucking hell.

Hang fire here.

Clearly he's fucked up and has issues with spending, but you have DCs there is major change taking place in your lives, how the fuck is ending your marriage now, over this without trying to work through it and get him to explain himself and perhaps show that he can change his ways, a good thing to do?

How is sneakily logging in as him, any better behaviour than he's exhibited. Not to mention fraudulent?

I can't believe some of the advice people give on here.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:09:04

Last message not to OP, just a general statement to all the 'leave the bastard' mentality that pervades this sight.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:09:11

site site

MarilynValentine Fri 11-Jan-13 14:09:21

Yes he needs to leave, not you.

And if you end up splitting up and selling the house I hope you get your full deposit back too, before dividing the equity.

What a selfish person. Impossible to trust someone like that.

Unless he sells/returns the bike I can't see how you can move forwards from here.

Tiiiny Fri 11-Jan-13 14:09:41

Must be a nice bike though

MarilynValentine Fri 11-Jan-13 14:11:09

DamnBamboo I disagree. In this case I think the level of selfishness he's shown - just entirely thinking and acting as if the needs of his family are negligible - is really serious shit.

RooneyMara Fri 11-Jan-13 14:13:34

I need to know what the bike is grin Sorry, motor or push?

He's being unreasonable whichever.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:13:44

OF course it is serious.

But something this serious requires a frank, sit-down discussion along the lines of 'this needs to change or we are done'.

Rash decisions like this, under these circumstances are not a good idea.

I don't think that buying this bike demonstrates that he thinks his families needs are negligible

curryeater Fri 11-Jan-13 14:14:05

"He wouldn't discuss it, just rolled his eyes." OMG that is making me fume, that is the most disrespectful thing ever (well no not really, not relative to the rest, I suppose I mean it is indicative of the whole attitude that caused the rest).
I have a good friend whose husband used to do this. In front of people. He was very selfish and always trying to drag the family off on wild goose chases to suit him for stupid reasons. She would say "but why do you want to x when y would..." and lay out a completely sane alternative plan. Instead of arguing, he would roll his eyes as if she was a nutter and sometimes do it at other people as if trying to draw them into agreeing she was bonkers. They are now separated.

MadCap Fri 11-Jan-13 14:14:13

If my dh did something like this, I'd probably ltb too. We absolutely never spend more than £100 without discussing it first (except weekly shop) and things aren't particularly tight.

oldraver Fri 11-Jan-13 14:15:02

Did he buy it online or go into a shop and get it ? If its online he may be able to send it back

I thought the huge tv was bad enough

Piffpaffpoff Fri 11-Jan-13 14:15:13

What make of bike is it?

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:15:34

When I was working ft we paid an equal amount into a joint account. When I went onto SMP he increased his amount to cover household costs. I use CB and my savings for any personal costs. I only know the amount of his credit card because I accidentally opened the envelope one day and was shocked he was paying almost 30% in interest. I insisted he changed credit cards. He has three children altogether - my two and a teenager who lives with her mum.

yani Fri 11-Jan-13 14:17:01

DamnBamboo. I suggested logging in as him tongue in cheek.

Apology accepted.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:18:48

No apology offered.

You actually said 'bit cheeky I know, but he started it' - not obviously tongue in cheek at all

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:19:42

Tell him it goes back or he leaves.

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:21:26

And it can be sold if it can't be returned to the place he bought it from - specialist bike sites etc. Even if it means stripping it and selling the parts.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:22:52

So he has managed to show some responsible actions with regards to covering household costs in the past when you had less coming in? At least this is something.

Maybe, work with that and try to get him to see the error of his ways, get him to cut up his cards or keep all but one and then ensure that it is frozen in a block of ice in the freezer so he has to think about his spending.

I often find when something has annoyed me to the extent that I would explode, I have to explain it in clear terms and make sure my DH understands why

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:24:16

It's a push bike, like this www.thebikefactory.co.uk/productdetails.asp?productid=65482
The shop confirmed an ex demo 2012 model would be £2775.

We do have two children and he is a good dad and generally we get on really well so I don't want to end the relationship over this but am worried that this is symptomatic of something more, that can be repaired and could affect us all badly in the long run. However, having no dad around all the time could too!

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:25:50

Meant to say, can't be repaired, not can.

fuzzpig Fri 11-Jan-13 14:27:23

Bloody hell. What an immature twat. YANBU, it's not so much the bike as the unbelievably selfish attitude it represents!

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:27:39

Your last post is sensible OP. Say all of this to him, as calmly as possible and make it clear that this is a big deal to you.

Good luck and I really hope he sorts his shit out.

yani Fri 11-Jan-13 14:30:46

Damn - Exactly. Said in a child-like manner.
(Some may even go as far as calling it humour)

OP - Could you get some adult time this weekend sans kids to sit down with him and try to sort out the finances in a non-confrontational way?

If you decide to be a SAHM or work pt the money issues / personal debt will be longer term, and could become more serious.

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:31:26

I'd say you need to make him understand that this is an issue that you will leave him over, because at the moment he's not even listening to you. Then you need to sit down with him and find out exactly how much he owes and on what cards. Tell him it's his one and only chance to be honest with you about it. Less money has been coming in - have you noticed him spending less on himself? You'll need to steel yourself because, just like the bike, it will be much more than you would have imagined.

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:32:59

The funny thing is that his dad did something similar recently - came into some money (ppi refund) and said, great that's my new iPad paid for. When my husband's mum said no, you don't need another iPad he ignored her and bought one anyway. We even talked about how annoyed I would be if he behaved like that. Maybe he is having a midlife crisis confused

SantasENormaSnob Fri 11-Jan-13 14:33:27

Yes I would leave the prick over this.

I cannot abide the financially incontinent.

Sallyingforth Fri 11-Jan-13 14:34:00

I don't understand why you are leaving, OP.
He is the one in the wrong and he is the one who should be leaving.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:34:28

yani i am not going to fight with you over this.

What you write and how you would say it verbally are not the same thing. Child-like manner would have been implied if a silly grin were added or something. You didn't, you then suggested ringing in to cancel his CC.

Nothing about your statement implied humour at all. I've read it again and it sounds pissed off and harsh humourous and child-like.

Anyway, it doesn't matter really does it. It would seem as though OP has said that DH has managed to be financially responsible in the past and it not a total bastard so there is still hope

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:34:47

The difference being that his father at least waited until the money was in his account.

Tiiiny Fri 11-Jan-13 14:36:09

That is a gorgeous bike but unless he is Bradley Wiggins he doesn't need a bike like that.

balia Fri 11-Jan-13 14:36:09

Sounds like a massive sense of entitlement. He is the only one working, so in his head, all the money of the household is his to do with as he wishes.

My DH loves 'stuff' and we have disagreed over expenditure in the past (ie things he wanted to buy) but he would never just go and buy it as if I didn't count.

If he spends all his redundancy on himself that is going to force you to work again, isn't it? Do you think that is his plan?

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:37:32

'has managed to be financially responsible in the past'

Where did you read that? He's had a card at 30% interest that was only changed when the OP found out about it and confronted him over it. Paying bills is not the same as being responsible. Especially when you're not seeing all the bills and don't know where the money is coming from (credit cards.)

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 14:38:52

More like symptomatic of how he feels his desires are more important than the security of the family.

Like father like son, sexist twats maybe?

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:40:47

Tiiiny, I agree. It baffles me. His new year resolution was to ride from London to Paris. He has a hybrid bike and I agree that wouldn't be suitable. However, as he's only using the bike on a (new, £80) stand in the shed, I thought it hardly mattered at the moment anyway. Beside until last week he hadn't been on a bike for 6 months and could change his mind about it all in another month. He recently gave up smoking. Is it a substitute fixation??

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:41:48

He put more money into the account from his salary when OP was on SMP so bills got paid.

If he was a completely selfish dick (as opposed to a selfish dick) he wouldn't have bothered.

I would say that it is responsible to pay bills, especially household ones.

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:42:17

You can be the nicest person in the world and still have issues with managing money that can screw up your family's financial security.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:44:23

Of course you can. Who said you couldn't? I think we are talking at cross-purposes here.

I agree with your post earlier on this page and have said it myself. Sit down and sort it out and let him know that this behaviour can't continue.

All things considered, OP has in fact herself said some nice things about the guy too

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:45:12

Balia, you might be right. Certainly I feel nervous about not working. My mother was a Sahm and I never want to be financially dependent on another like she was.
I'm hoping there is a logical explanation for all this I.e. he just borrowed the bike or something..

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:46:51

With what you've said about him and money I would not be planning to SAH full time.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:47:45

Are you saying now you aren't even sure if he bought
the bike?

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:48:45

Could it have fallen off the back of a lorry?

Tricycletops Fri 11-Jan-13 14:50:18

I would certainly be considering my position here but I know I have dad issues with this kind of behaviour. I think you do need to talk to him about it though - not ever having a proper conversation about these things was one of the things I think my mother did wrong...

Tiiiny Fri 11-Jan-13 14:50:58

I'm the same as your partner, to an extent. I want to do a triathlon and the kit you need is expensive. The worst thing is the magazines that basically try to sell you top pro stuff, carbon fibre bikes etc. and convince you that you need them. Fact is you can get an excellent second hand or a good new road bike, suitable for long, fast races, for about £500 or less. The flash bike won't make much of a difference to him, except it's more likely to get nicked on the way.

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:51:24

'he came home and told me he'd bought another bike for £600'

A bike that should cost well over £2k.

kerala Fri 11-Jan-13 14:51:30

Is Damnbamboo the DH?!

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:52:36

If he's telling the truth about the price it already has been Tiiny

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:53:10

kerala grin

No, I am not.

I am the holder of the purse-strings within this house so this issue wouldn't happen (that and my Dh doesn't buy a lot). But I grow up with a father who was utterly hopeless with money (still is) so perhaps have some different insight.

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 14:53:27

No. They're just on a defend DP/Hs trip.

rhinobaby Fri 11-Jan-13 14:54:51

If he bought over the Internet, distance selling means he is entitled to return within 7 days for a full refund. Go home,stop him using bike, and get him to send it back!

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 14:56:46

Hang on.
Where has the DH been defended.

I just said that the whole 'leave the bastard' crap that comes up so often is over the top.

I have also clearly said that it needs sorting and that what he has done is wrong.

Love selective readers.

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 14:57:06

Oh come on now, if it was only 600 quid he wouldn't have told her not to be so silly and to come home. He hasn't. 3.5k on that website.

AThingInYourLife Fri 11-Jan-13 14:57:40

He's a thief.

He's putting you in debt without telling you.

Good fathers don't take money from their children to spend on bicycles they can't afford.

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:58:02

No, I believe he bought it in that he said he had (he is never criminally minded) and there are bags from the bike shop with the manual etc. However, I can't find a receipt only a refunded deposit of £20 for a trial ride and an unsigned collection order from the shop. I imagine the receipt is hidden away somewhere! He's been obsessively reading all the magazines and is easily persuaded that spending more gets you more, even when he doesn't need it. When i thought the bike cost £600 I pointed out to him that i don't own anything that cost £600 - not even my wedding/engagement ring.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 15:00:39

You said at 14:45 that you hoped there was logical explanation i.e. that he borrowed the bike or something.

He clearly has not just borrowed it and your problem with him and his huge problem with spending still remain.

Good point about distance selling regs (assuming it has not been used that is?)

Tiiiny Fri 11-Jan-13 15:04:21

They wouldn't charge him for a trial ride if it wasn't a very expensive bike. This is not to stop people stealing it, it's to avoid time-wasters who only want to see what it's like to ride a carbon fibre road bike.

BigShinyBaubles Fri 11-Jan-13 15:06:23

I would go ape-shit if my oh lied like that.
Why does he need such an expensive bike?
I certainly wouldn't leave the family home, talk things over if he doesn't send it back, apologise etc boot him -and his bikes- out..for the betrayal.

keely79 Fri 11-Jan-13 15:07:17

First of all - this sort of behaviour is unacceptable. Any purchase that big should be a joint decision - regardless of who earns the money.

However, do you think this could be a bit of an "ostrich" moment from him - some men find it very difficult to cope with the blow to their ego from being unemployed/potentially unemployed. Do you think this is his way of distracting himself/avoiding the difficult questions coming up - i.e. he doesn't want to think about the precarious nature of your finances so is acting as though they don't exist?

If so, maybe a clear and honest conversation where you both get all of your bank statements out, work out what is owed where, what your monthly required outgoings are, and therefore how much is left in the kitty once all necessary items are paid, would clarify in both of your minds what your situation is.

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 15:17:10

Good point, keely79. There may be something of that. Perhaps he feels as his age he should be more "successful" and buying an expensive bike will give him some status (only to those who would know it was expensive, obviously).
I recently completed a budgeting course so I know all the outgoings, my incomings etc. the only question is how much he owes.

Can he return the bike under a 7 day cooling off period??

keely79 Fri 11-Jan-13 15:22:55

Whether you can return it might depend on whether it has been customised in any way (common with expensive bikes) or used.

It is good that you have done the budgeting course, but it's probably important to feed his information in plus also making sure that he knows about it too - it has to be a joint process. If he can clearly see that there is only £x left over at the end of every month, he'll be able to see more clearly the impact of spending £y on a bike.

Also, as part of that process, run some disaster scenarios - ie what would happen if your income halved, what would happen if there was an unexpected emergency like a burst boiler, etc. Stress testing your means can be useful to establish in both partners' minds the financial reality and the importance of, if possible, putting some money aside for emergencies rather than blowing it on unessentials.

i wouldn't LTB...i would kick him out on his bike...

My DH sometimes has whimsies of buying things massively out of our price range but as he has respect for me and our DD he doesnt act on them...

i suspect that as another poster has pointed out, He sees "His" money being paid into the pot and decided to fuck that for a game of soldiers and splash out on a totally unnecessary luxury that costs more than the average second hand car! a bike? a frigging BIKE! and more to the point, an impulse purchase for an item he already owns one of and that hasnt been used for 6 MONTHS? what a selfish arse!

You need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that this bike goesa back to the shop he bought it from, as he clearly cant be trusted with financial decisions then ALL finances are to be joinly discussed BEFORE a big/medium/small purchase is made and this selfish spending stops NOW!

If this is too much of a stretch suggest he goes and lives elsewhere for a while until he can sort out his priorities into an acceptable order (DCs,You,family security,him, ridiculous purchases etc- if the latter adversely affects the former then it is a straight NO to the latter...)

Thistledew Fri 11-Jan-13 15:42:10

As a cyclist, I can tell you that he has broken a cardinal rule of bike buying. There is a 'rule' that is often joked about amongst cyclists to define the number of bikes you should own. It is expressed in a mathematical function as being equal to n+1 (where n is the number of bikes you own) and also s-1 (where s is the amount of bikes that would cause your partner to leave you).

It is said jokingly, but has a serious point behind it. Cycling is an addictive sport that quite often ends up being expensive too. It is very easy to get lured into the idea that if you buy a newer, lighter, shinier bike you will suddenly find it much easier to cycle up that hill. The s-1 part is a reminder that you have other obligations in your life and that an expensive bike is not always sensible or necessary.

Tell him that he's a twat and has broken Rule no. 12.

ThereGoesTheYear Fri 11-Jan-13 15:46:53

He's been selfish and dishonest. And dismissive when you voiced your concerns. The latter feels like a bigger deal to me.

He has not shown evidence of being financially responsible. When you're on ML, caring for yours and his child, you're using your own savings. Yet more selfishness. He obviously doesn't like sharing 'his' money and is going to make sure his redundancy money goes on toys for himself, and cross his fingers that your job works out.

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 16:00:03

Thank you all for your suggestions thanks. Glad to hear I'm not being unreasonable about being really annoyed about it all. Hopefully he will see sense and return bike and we can put measures in place so that this wont be repeated

Tiiiny Fri 11-Jan-13 16:01:05

grin @ Thistledew

Yfronts Fri 11-Jan-13 16:10:09

I'd ask him to return the bike or leave

Yfronts Fri 11-Jan-13 16:11:16

I think if he had been cycling non stop for years and discussed buying the bike beforehand and finances were ok, there wouldn't be a problem

pictish Fri 11-Jan-13 16:24:12

What a stupid, selfish, spoiled, juvenile, irresonsible thing to do! Yanbu!

AThingInYourLife Fri 11-Jan-13 16:35:44

You forgot dishonest, pictish.

Crinkle77 Fri 11-Jan-13 16:38:30

OMG what a selfish git. I don't know what it is about men. When women make a decision they consider the impact it will have on the whole family whereas men just seem to do what they want

ecuse Fri 11-Jan-13 16:51:08

I would be pretty cross and I've only skim read the thread but I would say YANBU to be furious but YABU to just leave like that. Seems like a bit of an overreaction for a 'first offense'. Does he have form for behaving like this? Have you actually had a sensible conversation about it yet? You said you're hoping there's an innocent explanation but unless I've missed something you've just flounced out without waiting to see whether there is.

pictish Fri 11-Jan-13 16:59:16

Ah yes...what a stupid, selfish, spoiled, juvenile, irresponsible, dishonest thing to do!

I'd lose all respect to be honest. This is the sort of thing people do when they're 18 and have their first credit card.
He does not need a £3000 bike. He's not special...he doesn't deserve it, and what's more - he can't bloody well afford it. What a clown!!

fuzzpig Fri 11-Jan-13 17:10:24

I'm just idly wondering what ~£3k is as a rough percentage of his income? While I do think his purchase is irresponsible regardless of what he earns - given that his job is soon disappearing - I would think that this is much worse offence if he earns £20k than if he earns £80k, if that makes any sense.

My gut reaction to the cost - even at 'only' £600 was that it is unthinkable, but then my wages are under £16k and we only allow ourselves £20pcm 'pocket money'. I guess if he is a big earner it won't have seemed like such a big deal.

Not that any of it excuses the lying of course.

AThingInYourLife Fri 11-Jan-13 17:13:17

What percentage of 0 is £3000?

Is that what you mean, fuzzpig?

wink

JustFabulous Fri 11-Jan-13 18:23:28

I'd be telling him the bike goes back or you will be sending it back.

Or just kick the prat out.

LemonBreeland Fri 11-Jan-13 18:33:44

I would be absolutely furious. He needs telling that the bike goes back or he leaved on it.

Even if he is due redundancy that should be used to pay off his current debt and also future proof your finances in case he does take a while to get a job.

Bork Fri 11-Jan-13 18:34:13

As a cyclist with a number of bikes and a penchant for pretty (and expensive) bike bits, I think everyone's missing the main point:

He's spent £3k on a Trek Madone!*

The bloke's clearly an idiot.

(* For the uninitiated, this is like spending £80,000 on a Ford Mondeo)

LessMissAbs Fri 11-Jan-13 18:40:19

YANBU, in a joking sort of way, in that I'm a triathlete and I know the importance of a decent bike to triathletes and cyclists. Theres little point in racing on something heavy and ancient, and the benefits of training are well worth £2000.

However YANBU your DH for not marrying a fellow cyclist or triathlete who would understand this and who he could have droned on endlessly for months beforehand, discussing different bikes and their groupsets Male cyclists in particular never seem to marry women who are interested in their sport, and they seem to spend the rest of their time moaning at club nights about it! I'm so sick of hearing them!

LessMissAbs Fri 11-Jan-13 18:40:56

Sorry your DH is YABU!

Adversecamber Fri 11-Jan-13 18:43:08

I could not deal with such financial selfishness.

Lots of us may dream about buying something expensive or for a hobby we love but family first every time.

LessMissAbs Fri 11-Jan-13 18:58:58

Oh Christ, a Trek Madone? Why? Why didn't he buy it second hand? Or get last year's model much cheaper in a sale? There are so many ways of spending much, much less on something the standard of a Trek Madone. He could have got a damned nice Bianchi with a Dura Ace groupset custom built, for him for that! Or less!

pictish Fri 11-Jan-13 19:01:31

I wonder if he got talked into it by the sales staff in the bike shop.
Not that that would excuse him in any way.

Just wondering if he's the gullible sort of prat that laps up the chat up...iyswim?

CuriousMama Fri 11-Jan-13 19:12:28

I think I'd throw up if dp did this. He's a cycling nut and bought a £500 when we got £18K. That's the last he'll buy though, he says that not me.

Your OH sounds so irresponsible.

13Iggis Fri 11-Jan-13 19:17:27

He already showed he was selfish by not sharing the money properly when you started SMP. He has the example of his father to go on - presumably his motheer did not leave when the ipad was bought, so he maybe thinks you will be equally soft!

ThereGoesTheYear Fri 11-Jan-13 20:02:20

He doesn't sound like a cycling nut - he hadn't been on a bike for 6 months until last week - he sounds more like Mr. Toad.

CuriousMama Fri 11-Jan-13 20:33:25

No he doesn't my dp is and still wouldn't do this.

I'd tell him to return the bike and hand over all finances to you to control, no cc no atm (you can hand him a set amount of cash each week and he has to make it last or go without) so that the family can become financially stable, or show him the door and tell you hope he and his bike will be very happy together. Why should you have to leave? He's a big spoilt child and is risking his family future over buying "stuff"

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 21:17:20

Ok update. I confronted him when he got home. He admitted bike cost more and then produced receipt - £1000. Apparently it was cheaper because it was considered used as it was last years demonstrator model. So I felt at least a bit better about that. He apologised for lying and said it was a spontaneous thing when he saw I was pissed off when he told me had bought a bike. He said he knew he would get some money soon and he has offered to give the remaining amount to me to handle, once he clears his credit card. He also said I could have £1000 to buy myself something if I wanted. The bike he bought on his debit card so hasn't actually added to his debt. He knows he's still in the doghouse though.

MsVestibule Fri 11-Jan-13 21:27:56

I know he's still in the doghouse, but how are you feeling about him/the situation now? Overall, are you happy with the way the finances in your household are dealt with? Is this a one-off?

I have a lot of sympathy for you. Money is the only thing DH and I argue over - but I won't hijack your thread by moaning on about that sad.

Opossum99 Fri 11-Jan-13 21:39:29

Hi Msvestibule, I'm feeling much better now. I know a lot of people here have said they would leave him and I guess if he had spent almost £3k and then refused to take it back I would have to consider this option more but before breaking up a family you have to be absolutely sure it's the right choice, not one made out of pique. He understands what he did was wrong but he has now apologised and agreed to let me handle the money so can I expect more? I don't imagine he will repeat the behaviour.
fuzzpig he is a higher income earner and is expecting to get equivalent to 1/2 year salary when he leaves.

bureni Fri 11-Jan-13 21:44:26

My hubby nearly left me after I bought my last motorcycle, he did however point out that I already has another 2 and asked how many backsides I had which was a fair point I suppose grin

AThingInYourLife Fri 11-Jan-13 22:09:50

"He also said I could have £1000 to buy myself something if I wanted."

So he's going to keep the bike and blow another grand to keep you sweet?

hmm

"The bike he bought on his debit card so hasn't actually added to his debt."

confused

When you're in debt and you spend £1000 on something you don't need instead of paying down your debt, then you are adding to your debt.

You seem to be as daft as he is.

So glad you will e handling the finances. that way you can make sure the debt is cleared.

StuntGirl Sat 12-Jan-13 00:34:32

What athing said.

oldebaglady Sat 12-Jan-13 00:41:26

what AThingInYourLife said!

Opossum99 Sat 12-Jan-13 11:03:27

There is no way that I would spend another £1000 on anything right now. He just wants to salve his conscience.
athing I see your point, I only meant that at least its not incuring interest as well.

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 11:25:22

So is the bike going back?

Or does he get to tell lies and spend money you don't have on bikes and get off the hook with a meaningless offer to waste the equivalent money on you?

He knew you would reject the offer. He was not trying to salve his conscience, he was trying to manipulate you into letting him keep the dishonesty bike.

And the grand that should have been knocked off his loan but is now going to sit in your shed in bike form gathering dust while he imagines he is a cyclist is accruing interest.

BadLad Sat 12-Jan-13 11:30:41

I thought I'd read this thread before. Turns out it was a cheaper bike.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1538314-to-be-pissed-off-my-OH-has-bought-a-400-bicycle

Euphemia Sat 12-Jan-13 11:47:02

So you were mad at £600, raging at nearly £3000, but okay about £1000 as it's not as bad as £3000? hmm

Neither of you sounds like you have a grip on budgeting, or sensible ways to spend money. You should be trying to clear your debts, and start saving, not pissing £1000 up against a wall!

You are both being unreasonable.

curryeater Sat 12-Jan-13 12:12:54

Oh come on, I can see the Op's POV here - if you can re-set the financial set up, make it clear that he has to show respect to you in the way he communicates and in the way he spends money, and it works - you can come back from a foolish £1k purchase. I hope. I can see why she wants to give him a chance, but the relationship and how he treats her in future is more of a thing than the money.
I would be a bit pissed off at the "you can spend 1k too!" gesture as it is meaningless unless he robs a bank - it's just more family money. I think the op should explain this carefully in words of one syllable and "cash in" that gesture for something else that she really wants that won't cost anything in money (saturday lie ins for 4 weeks, say) (I can tell you there have been times in my life when I would have paid £250 to stay in bed in the morning!)

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 12:29:29

The bike needs to go back.

That is the first, and absolutely crucial, step in resetting the financial arrangements.

If he gets to keep the bike he lied and stole to obtain, then any new "settlement" is just appeasing the OP until next time.

If he's repentant, and if he gets why it was so stupid, so immoral, and so childish to buy himself a new bike for a treat and lie about it when he's about to lose his job, then he will happily send it back and use the money to pay down his debts.

If he complains about it, he's just trying to get you off his back and he'll continue his spendthrift ways at your children's expense.

What a shitty excuse for an adult.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 12-Jan-13 12:47:52

I'm not sure a demonstration bike sold cheap would be returnable unless it's faulty. It'd depend on the shops policy but you'd never get that round here.

Still, he should have tried. He should ease his guilty conscious by returning the bike to show he knows it was a crap decision, rather than trying to buy you.

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 13:03:32

If it can't be returned, then he must sell it and recoup as much of the wasted money as possible.

No way should he be rewarded for lying and taking family money without asking by getting a new bike out of it.

fuzzpig Sat 12-Jan-13 13:33:20

<joins AThing fan club>

curryeater Sat 12-Jan-13 13:59:12

yep ok athing is right, even if the bike is ebayed for £200 it is symbolic

JustFabulous Sat 12-Jan-13 17:26:09

If he has £1000 in his account why the drama?

Where is "your" £1000 coming from?

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 18:41:57

Some people are so fucking dense when it comes to money.

I mean, really, if you think that having £1000 in your account means you have £1000 to spend, you have the financial acumen of a 6 year old.

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