For just wanting my DC to go to school

(313 Posts)
cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 06:38:35

So the week before the Christmas hols I had youngest DC off school with D and V for week and middle DC got it for last 2 days of term. They were both ill on and off over Christmas. As was DH who spent most of the time "having naps". I came down with the same cold he had but obviously mine was nowhere near as bad ;)
So new term starts and I've had middle DC off with a throat infection, she finally starts to rally yesterday and I'm awake early this morning giddy at the thought of getting out of the house alone for the first day in a month.....with that youngest DC walked in and was sick.

AIBU to just want them back to school so I can actually get on with my life. I adore them, I truly do but FFS a month at home......!! DH thinks IBU and it's just one of those things. He's even suggested I rehome our dog as I haven't been able to walk her all week.

Euphemia Fri 11-Jan-13 06:45:49

Is DH taking time off work to look after DC?

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 06:47:19

Are you a SAHM or are you having to take time off for this?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 11-Jan-13 06:48:21

I'd rehome the DH grin

LadyWidmerpool Fri 11-Jan-13 06:49:30

I would be instructing asking DH to take time off work to do his share.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 06:53:50

Well technically I am a SAHM although I'm trying to get a new business off the ground so am having to cancel meetings and appointments which isn't ideal.

I'm so tired of being on call 24/7 for a month. I am starting to fantasise about exciting things like a trip to the supermarket!!

Euphemia Fri 11-Jan-13 07:08:30

Have you expressed this to DH?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 07:14:25

Yes. This morning I asked him to go in to work a bit later so he could walk the dog and take middle DC to school. He said I was BU and to rehome dog. I suppose i should be grateful he didnt suggest rehoming the DC? I really am at the end of my tether. I got no time "off" during holidays, he didn't even do bedtime to give me a break. I feel like the meanest mum ever that I can't just keep smiling.

Sirzy Fri 11-Jan-13 07:18:52

Is he off work tomorrow? If so book yourself into the hairdressers or something and just go, leave him to sort the children.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 07:21:32

Yes he's off work but he's "still ill" apparently. So won't be able to help out. Granted he has a cough left over from his cold (it was a nasty virus, I'm still sinus-y from it and I usually don't get colds) but he seems well enough to go to work etc

Tee2072 Fri 11-Jan-13 07:25:28

Oh for goodness sakes. Dump a glass of water over his head to get him out of bed if you have to, tell him you're going out and leave without the kids. For the whole day.

He'll either man up or they'll make his life hellish. Either way? You win.

KhallDrogo Fri 11-Jan-13 07:28:37

I don't think he should be taking time off work to help if you are SAHM, but bloody hell...he should definitely be taking over in the evenings and sharing at the weekend so you can get out/ have.a break

And one of you should walk the dog either before he leaves in the morning or when he is home in the evening...why don't you? Just shout to him that you are off out to walk the dog, on your way out the door. Poor dog.

Rosa Fri 11-Jan-13 07:34:10

A walk outside will do him good and help to clear the germs away. He can look after the ill dc whilst you go to the supermarket ... Heavens when you are sick you have to do it. Or maybe you would like to rehome him as well.......

Gumby Fri 11-Jan-13 07:34:27

Rehome dh grin

Show him this thread!!

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 07:34:40

He leaves at 6.30, gets home at 8. I would love to walk the dog when he's home but can't in the evening as he wants the dinner cooked. After that's sorted it's 9.30 ish. Not ideal to walk a dog in pitch black country roads then! Not trying to make excuses but the same thing applies at 5.30am too.

She has a huge garden and I do take her out and do hiding games etc with her during day when DC can watch me from sofa. I don't ignore the dog all day but the deal was she was a family dog (although she dislikes DH so that doesn't help matters!).

TanteRose Fri 11-Jan-13 07:38:43

Cook a meal - you can eat at 7 or whatever, and he can eat at 8 when he gets in.
As soon as he walks in the door, go and take the dog for a walk

KhallDrogo Fri 11-Jan-13 07:39:06

Reflective gear and a torch, a microwave dinner for idiot-boy....*.walk the dog* Otherwise I agree, dog should be rehomed.

I wouldn't be cooking for dh, under those circumstances

Is he usually an arsehole, or is this our of character?

TanteRose Fri 11-Jan-13 07:39:32

or of course, he can get his own meal when he gets in

TanteRose Fri 11-Jan-13 07:40:20

or could you pay for someone to walk the dog?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 07:41:13

DH could cook dinner whilst you walk the dog?

What is going to happen when you get your business up and running (if you ever get the chance)?

CloudsAndTrees Fri 11-Jan-13 07:44:36

I think I'd be tearing my hair out in your position! YANBU!

You are not being a mean Mum at all, anything that changes your normal routine for that long in term time is a PITA, but looking after a constantly ill family makes it even worse.

I don't think your DH should be taking time of work as other posters have suggested, surely one of the things about having one parent SAH is so that when children are sick the other can still go to work.

I do think he should let go on expecting his dinner cooked to perfection though. This is what egg on toast and takeaways were made for!

How big is your dog? Is the oldest big enough that s/he can take the dog out after school, or are there any willing and dog loving children on your street?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 07:44:42

DH could cook dinner? Or eat microwave food? Sorry but that won't happen.

The dog has been walked every day since we have had her apart from the last 4. I have taken her out even when ill myself. I am a totally responsible dog owner. I had a friend walk her the week before Xmas when DC was ill but she's on holiday and can't help out. It's not usually a problem, I've never had a run of the DC being ill like this to have to try and work around.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 07:46:06

And truly, I don't think I will ever get my business off the ground at this rate. DH definitely won't help out with it at all.

GreatUncleEddie Fri 11-Jan-13 07:47:10

He can microwave a plateful of whatever you all ate earlier. That's not really microwave food.

BeaWheesht Fri 11-Jan-13 07:48:22

Forget about his dinner - I'm sure he's too ill to eat anyways, right? wink

Pay someone to walk dog if possible - local teen if dog is good to walk?

Tomorrow just get up and go out - take your mobile in case of emergency but put it straight to answer phone. I know this seems extreme but I've recently done stuff like this because otherwise dh will think you'll always be there, he'll never have to pull his finger out and this will go on and on. Don't listen to excuses - smile and nod then off you go and do what you want. You're a mum not a slave.

TanteRose Fri 11-Jan-13 07:49:26

your Dh couldn't cook dinner? why, what on earth is wrong with him? confused

Shesparkles Fri 11-Jan-13 07:49:52

I think your dog is an excellent judge of character!

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 07:50:38

I guess he's tired when he gets home from work and technically it's my job as a SAHM isn't it?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 07:50:53

Cath

Your situation is unacceptable. Have you asked DH why he thinks it's acceptable for him to get so much more out of the marriage than you?

BeaWheesht Fri 11-Jan-13 07:51:11

Sorry but that won't happen? See tbh I'm losing sympathy because there is NO reason why not - stop enabling h to treat you like dirt or else don't moan about it.

TanteRose Fri 11-Jan-13 07:52:08

"surely one of the things about having one parent SAH is so that when children are sick the other can still go to work"

hmm yes, but OP works too.

and in any case, if you have two DCs ill at the same time, it can sometimes be physically impossible to take care of them both. My DH used to take a day off/come home early if we had a particularly nasty virus/bug in residence.

its called being a parent

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 07:52:11

Shesparkles - yes indeed. She's really very smart and tbh by 8pm she's usually fast asleep and can't imagine her rousing herself to go out in the dark and cold. She's a bit of a snuggle by the fire and doze dog!

Sokmonsta Fri 11-Jan-13 07:52:51

Your dh is being unreasonable. What he and you are forgetting is you are working too. Albeit from home. Ok yes, I see the point that you are at home so it doesn't make sense for dh to take time off as well. But he should pull his finger out as soon as he gets in and muck in with his family. I think it's crap that some people expect wind down time when they get home from work or whatever when the sahp doesn't get that. They just have to carry on. The very least he could do is get the dc bathed/ready for bed etc. Invest in a slow cooker so you can bung everything in for a one pot meal in the morning, go for a walk with the dog as soon as he gets in and tell him the children need to be out to bed before you get home. It gives the dog a walk, him some time with the dc and you some time on your own to gather yourself ready for the next onslaught. If you carry on as you are doing you are only enabling him to not pull his weight as a husband and father, which will only lead to long term resentment.

natwebb79 Fri 11-Jan-13 07:53:51

DH could cook dinner? Or eat microwave food? Sorry but that won't happen.

Erm, he'll have to hungry then, won't he?! Seriously, I think it's probably time to just stop letting him get away with being such an entitled child. You're not his bloody mother. If you just carry on as you are then of course he'll carry on the same way and you'll never get your business up and running.

Really hope you all get better soon.

TanteRose Fri 11-Jan-13 07:54:20

what would happen if you gave him a ready-meal every now and again?

if all that means, is that he has a bit of moan, then so be it.

if he goes off on one, then you have a problem

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 07:55:05

OK, let's say SAHM is your job.

Your job has had some extra tasks in it recently ie the kids being ill. You are therefore unable to do all your usual tasks of dog walking and dinner cooking.

Since there are two tasks left over at the end of your working day and of DH's working day, logic says that you should do one each.

LifeofPo Fri 11-Jan-13 07:56:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 07:57:22

He won't put youngest to bed. She's 6, he's done it maybe 10 times at the most (never counted but that's prob generous!). He refuses, if I insist she ends up crying because he's so cold to her. If I go out and leave him to it she will be awake crying when I get home.

The slow cooker for meals thing only works if I take it out of the slow cooker, put it in a casserole dish and put it in the oven and pretend I cooked it like that. He can taste the difference apparently (although clearly he can't!!!).

I sound like I'm making excuses. I'm not. I've lived like this for years and I can usually cope. I just need a day off!!!

wordfactory Fri 11-Jan-13 07:58:04

I thinnk your DH has little respect for you OP. He thinks because you are a SAHM that it excuses him from all domestic and fAmilial responsibilities. This is sadly a common problem. You must either sit him down and explain the situation in terms he understands...sadly your thread is just one of many many of women being treated like this.

TanteRose Fri 11-Jan-13 07:58:33

sad

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 07:59:59

The slow cooker thing is very controlling.

me23 Fri 11-Jan-13 08:00:18

I remember seeing some of your other threads. You are not in an equal relationship by yor own admission your dh is an emotionally abusive. He will not help you ever. I'm sorry for what you are going through and wonder how much longer you will put up with it.

LifeofPo Fri 11-Jan-13 08:00:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 08:00:50

Do you go to his work and tell him you can tell the difference between his numbers added up on a calculator or in a spreadsheet?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 11-Jan-13 08:04:24

The clue is in the name 'SAH Mum' not 'servant'.

I actually can't believe you let him treat you like this.

StanleyLambchop Fri 11-Jan-13 08:05:22

So your 'lovely' DH :

1) Won't help you look after the children
2) Is so cold to your DD at bedtime that he makes her cry sad
3) Won't take the dog out for a walk
4) Insists on a cooked meal when he comes in, but won't even allow a 'slow cooker' meal, as if that is somehow not proper food?

WTF are you doing with this man? You are his servant, not his wife. Being cold to his child is just indefensible. You choose to put up with this treatment, don't make your DD have to put up with that. Please put your foot down, this is really not a good marriage.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 08:06:14

I just keep plodding on with it. Things have slowly got better over the years (he doesn't check the tops of door frames for dust to see if I've cleaned properly anymore!). And tbh I get a perverse kind of amusement from listening to him rave about the "casserole" dinner and how it tastes different to slow cooked.

I do love being a SAHM but I just want a few minutes a day to actually do something other than wiping noses, administering antibiotics and getting snacks!

GreatUncleEddie Fri 11-Jan-13 08:07:47

I am SAHM and our boys are at school. I cook one meal and eat with the boys at six. DH gets home after seven and "follows the clues" in the kitchen. Ie he cooks his meat and reheats the veg, or cooks it all, or reheats if it is a one pot dish. Last night he cooked a stir fry, I had already chopped the veg and made the sauce. The night before he reheated a pasta dish. Tonight I am going out. I will either buy pizza or he will probably make myself an omelette.

This to us is normal. I am not a slave, I am not his mother and I am not bloody well cooking twice! He has never once had a problem with it. And in case your DH has convinced you that he is too senior and important to do this and it is your duty to do it, my DH is out of the house 7.30-7.30 and earns 180k.

GreatUncleEddie Fri 11-Jan-13 08:08:55

myself himself, obviously!

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 08:09:18

Oh dear.

This sounds seriously unhealthy to me. Really. RE-read your last post re casserole dish. He has no respect for you and thinks you are there to serve him. He may well earn money but he is a shit husband and a shit father. Dos money mean that much to you? I couldn't live like that. I'd be out of there.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 08:10:15

The cooking twice thing does drive me slightly potty!!

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 08:12:14

Twice? Oh god, for the kids too? Can they not have food from the night before reheated?

squeakytoy Fri 11-Jan-13 08:12:47

the slow cooker thing is a load of bollocks... he is being a nob. There is absolutely no difference to cooking something "slowly" on a low temp in the oven to putting in a slow cooker and doing it that way.. none at all!

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 08:14:40

I know it's a load of bollocks. But the sulking and complaining mean that I end up not eating my dinner (and after having an eating disorder a few years ago I can't deal with stress at mealtimes).

Easier to just pretend I don't use the slow cooker and hide it away in a cupboard.

ThalianotFailure Fri 11-Jan-13 08:17:20

checking the top of doors to see if you've dusted properly??? Excuse me?????? With every post you H sounds like an utter cunt. What exactly does he bring to your marriage and the family? What do you get out of this? I sincerely hope (though it's unlikely) that your DC don't pick up on how badly you are treated. You are not a skivvy, stop behaving like one and stop allowing him to treat you like one.

BeaWheesht Fri 11-Jan-13 08:17:28

You do realise that given that you have kids you're bringing up any sons to think this is how they should treat their future wives and you're bringing up your daughter(s) - the one(s) you love and want to protect- to think this is how they deserve to be treated.

That's not right.

KhallDrogo Fri 11-Jan-13 08:18:18

Urgh

Are you going to leave him?

grumpyinthemorning Fri 11-Jan-13 08:18:27

Dear god, where is your self respect? It's not your job to take care of him, you're a SAHM, not a maid or a chef. He's a grown man, he can bloody well take care of himself and pitch in with childcare. You have to tell him so, and if he still won't (and it is won't, not can't) then you should think very seriously about what kind of life you want for yourself and DCs.

Remember, children learn from example. Do you really want them to treat you, or their future partners, the same way? Or if daughters, to end up in the same situation?

ihearsounds Fri 11-Jan-13 08:19:32

ARe you a door mat, because in all honesty you spund like one.
Your husband needs to step up and take an active role as a parent. So what if he works long hours, what a pathetic excuse. Millions of parents work long hours and still have to do child related things..

You sound more like his mum. Your new year resolution should be to take charge and make him do stuff including use the microwave and heat up food. Yes you might be a sahm but this doesnt mean that you are a slave. you cook dinner and thats it, when he gets in he pops his on a plate and pops in microwave. If he doesnt want to do this well he goes without,

And booohoo he has man flu. I bet when your ill he still does feck all. He should be ashamed of himself.

TanteRose Fri 11-Jan-13 08:19:38

"sulking and complaining" shock shock

I would just stop cooking for him, full stop, that is unbelievable

Tee2072 Fri 11-Jan-13 08:20:47

Sounds to me like he doesn't want your business to succeed.

What do you get out of this relationship other than another child?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 08:25:54

I will admit to one day over Xmas feeling so ill, run down and with the virus, that I went to bed for the afternoon to try and sleep. I had the DC running in and out all the time and still had to get up to do bath and bedtime. But according to him "I had my rest then".

I can usually cope. But with the DC continually ill I can't get straight or sorted, can't do anything for me and it's tiring.

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 08:29:08

Come on woman, seriously. This is not OK.

grumpyinthemorning Fri 11-Jan-13 08:31:11

Stop looking after him. No meals, no clothes washed, nothing. When he complains (as I assume he will, rather than fix it himself) tell him you are a SAHM and those *points are your children. He is not. He sounds like a bright bloke, I'm sure he can figure out the rest.

CailinDana Fri 11-Jan-13 08:31:44

You've accepted this for yourself, fine, but now you're accepting it for your children. You can see the effect it has on your 6 year old. They will not thank you for making them live like this when they are older.

atosilis Fri 11-Jan-13 08:34:06

How old are your children? Do you live near family or friends? He sounds a cold, cold man.

LIZS Fri 11-Jan-13 08:37:07

Cook things that can stay warm in oven or slow cooker , like a casserole, bolognese or pasta bake, jacket spud. Otherwise he gets to walk dog while you do his dinner. How old are dc , could eldest walk dog round the block ?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 08:41:55

Eldest is technically old enough to walk dog. But when she gets home just before 5 it is dark and we don't have streetlights here. She won't look after the others as her and middle DC clash badly at the moment. I wouldn't feel ok with leaving them for longer than a few minutes! More excuses I know. But tbh I'm doing anything to cut down on stress at the moment.

Family here? No. My DM doesn't do helping out. Friends - lots of lovely ones (mine!) but unfortunately mostly working so not around much.

BeaWheesht Fri 11-Jan-13 08:43:05

You just keep posting more and more examples of how he is unreasonable and how tired you are but you don't listen when people say you COULD change your situation if you wanted to.

More to the point you aren't listening when we are telling you that YOU are bringing your kids up in a harmful environment - I couldn't have that on my conscience no matter how hard changing things might be or how much my husband might sulk. You must have very different priorities to me. hmm

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 08:45:45

I have spent years changing things and they were working better. But until my DC are back at school I'm struggling to keep my plates spinning.

I am listening. I know how to change things but it's not going to happen overnight. My priorities are very much my children, otherwise I wouldn't be watching cbeebies with a small child right now!!

ThalianotFailure Fri 11-Jan-13 08:46:42

you are not engaging with comments about your H at all. You seem to be in complete denial about your marriage and family life, provided excuse after excuse for his appalling behaviour. You MUST sort this out, for yourself and for your children - you cannot allow them to grow up thinking any of this is right. Your H is obviously an arse, which he should be kicked out on TBH, but YOU are enabling him.

BeaWheesht Fri 11-Jan-13 08:47:05

Then you need to look after yourself so you can look after them and you need to leave your dh to his own devices. End of.

ThalianotFailure Fri 11-Jan-13 08:47:48

why do you think YOU have to change things? Your H clearly doesn't think he has to change, and it's very unlikely that he will. Everything you say is about the effort YOU have to make, nothing about what HE should do.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 08:47:51

And tbh it's not very harmful because he isn't here much during the week when they are awake and we all function fine at weekends. They are used to me doing everything for them, that's normal for them. To them that's my job.

Their job IMO is to go to school!!!

expatinscotland Fri 11-Jan-13 08:48:03

You are not going to get 'help' or a 'day off' because you chose to live with an abusive person.

BeaWheesht Fri 11-Jan-13 08:48:34

You're not paying attention - it is NOT ok that they think this is normal .hmm

BeckAndCall Fri 11-Jan-13 08:48:34

Sorry but I disagree with just about all other on here - your DH goes out before 6.30 and you'd like him to make a contribution BEFORE that? And he come sin at 8 in the evening and THEN you'd like him to cook? Can you really wait til 9 to eat? Can your kids?

And your children are all school age! Ok they're poorly, on and off, but they're not babies or toddlers who need constant monitoring and attention. Your youngest may be only 4 of course and will be clingy but it's just a couple of days!

Walk the dog on the way to do the school pick up and get some ready meals in for the next week.

Then work out a better division of duties for the weekend S it seems like that is only time your DH is around.

grumpyinthemorning Fri 11-Jan-13 08:48:46

A little harsh, Bea, it takes an enormous amount of strength to talk about something like this. It takes even more to change the situation, especially if you don't want to leave.

cath, seriously, something has to give. I really don't want it to be your health or sanity. I've been there, and I got out. PM me if you want to talk one-on-one.

FelicityWasSanta Fri 11-Jan-13 08:49:34

I am in shock about how you 'DH' behaves. Absolutely vile.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 08:50:13

I usually have all day to walk dog so don't have to do school pick up with her. Not an ideal walk for a dog I don't think!

I will be fine when normal service can resume but I'm guessing the other DCs will get this sickness bug and that will be next week gone too.

BeaWheesht Fri 11-Jan-13 08:50:15

Well I don't think it is harsh because I think she needs to realise that carrying on like this and keeping the peace is not ok. For her or the kids. I know it very difficult but I truly believe that situations like this need change.

CailinDana Fri 11-Jan-13 08:51:15

"It's not very harmful" - oh well that's fine then. You can say "Yes I kept you in a harmful situation but it wasn't very harmful." Great. I don't see how you can possibly think children seeing their father treat their mother like shit isn't harmful. And them being used to you doing everything for them is not ok. You are teaching them what relationships are like - do you want your daughters to end up in marriages like yours? Or for your son(s) to treat their partners this way?

grumpyinthemorning Fri 11-Jan-13 08:51:20

BeckAndCall, explain to me how that's fair? Why should she do all the work during the week? He's a grown up, if he lived alone he'd have to man up and do it himself, no reason why he can't now.

ihearsounds Fri 11-Jan-13 08:51:49

Things can change today. You can cook one meal and tell him to deal with it.

Ask yourself this, are you honestly prepared to spend the rest of your life like this?

What happens when the dc's are back in school? You do everything and run a business and he does nothing? Before you do the business youneed to sort him out. If you are run down now, by the end of the year you will be signed off because of exhaustion, running a business is very hard.

What do you get from the relationship, because at the moment you have posted nothing that doesnt warrant him being rehomed.

BeaWheesht Fri 11-Jan-13 08:52:30

Why can't you walk the dog on the school run?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 08:52:40

It's not really harsh but I'd happily let somebody else sort it out because I can't see an easy answer.

I'm happy more or less with my life but at the moment I'm not. Yes my DC aren't babies but it's still tiring when you get a spare of them being ill.

whiteflame Fri 11-Jan-13 08:53:39

Well 6.30am-8pm is a very long day. I do half an hour less and am totally knackered by mid-week. That isn't to say your job isn't hard as well, but expecting him to take over in the evenings will be too much. Do his share certainly, but not take over the kids to give you a break, as suggested somewhere upthread.

Weekends are a different story. I would be telling him you need some time at the weekend too. You each get a morning/afternoon off, or whatever even split you both decide on. If he isn't cooperative, just do it anyway. Assuming he would look after his DC if he was the only one around.

BeaWheesht Fri 11-Jan-13 08:54:24

But no-one else can sort it because you're the one enabling it and your dh has no reason to change it because he gets everything his own way. Your kids are relying on you.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 08:57:26

How could he take over when he gets home with the DC if they are already asleep?

And to the poster who asked about walking dog on school run? I do occasionally but she adores children so tends to try and jump at them (we are working on that!) and I don't like the way schoolchildren all try and stroke a dog tied up at the schoolgates. It's overwhelming for them and I trust her but if some child inadvertently hurt her I don't know how she would react. I don't leave her alone with my children for the same reason.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 08:57:31

Whiteflame but would you turn your nose up at something from the slow cooker, or reheating the earlier meal that the kids had?

diddl Fri 11-Jan-13 08:58:46

Is he not at home "ill"?

So you can walk the dog?

Just get on & do stuff & let the twat moan!

Jesus I´m a SAHM-although mine are teens.

Sometimes my husband picks up shopping on the way home because the weather has been shit & I cba to go out on my bike.

If I´m ill I go to bed as soon as he walks in the door.

I recently went to UK for 2wks to see my ill father.

Leaving husband to walk the dog/work & look after the house.

He´s an adult-he found a way of coping!

BeckAndCall Fri 11-Jan-13 08:59:58

grumpy how it's fair is that he is busy all day! From 6.30 to 8pm he's just not there! On that basis, he's getting up to start the day at 5.30.

And if he were single and living alone, ere wouldn't be so much to do at home anyway, so all he'd have to do is cook a meal. Hence I suggest getting some ready meals in (or easy stuff at least) until the kids and OP are back mon an even keel.

As I said weekends are different.

And OP is not running a business at the moment - she's trying to start one and needs to think through, and talk through with DH, what priority they give that and how their input will change when that really takes off (good luck on that venture, OP)

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:00:42

No sorry he's at work not home. He just doesn't think he will be well enough to do anything at the weekend because he's too ill!

If he was home I would be walking the dog now!

atosilis Fri 11-Jan-13 09:00:51

Can you get a cleaner/ babysitter/ buy ready made M&S food? If he insists that YOU do all domestic duties then he is a controlling bully.

The children might be 'clashing' because they can't express their feelings at your situation and then lash out at each other. OTOH, they could just be children fighting....

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:02:36

I know what priority it has. Bottom priority (the business that is). I'm thwarted at every turn by him unfortunately. I need to find a way to keep everything else going so I can make a start on it for me. Otherwise 18 months of hard studying has all been in vain.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 11-Jan-13 09:03:58

My word. If this is 'much better' I hate to think what it was like before. I have no idea how or why you live with a 'man' like that, he's a nasty bully and the sad thing is, you are so conditioned to think it's normal that you can't even see how wrong it all is sad

If he's well enough to be at work he's well enough to get off his backside this weekend and pull his weight.

As for not cooking & wanting his dinner on the table. I can hear 1950 calling.

Whiteflame - that is utter bs. Plenty of parents do days that long and come home and do 'stuff'

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:04:25

Atosilis - no chance of that. Not now the child benefit has gone which was my only form of income. Exactly why I need to get some work!
Could be that of they could just be children fighting. Seems to be quite normal with friends children to be like that.

grumpyinthemorning Fri 11-Jan-13 09:05:30

Beck, my DP works similar hours (actual work hours shorter, but stupid travel time) and when he gets home he baths DS and puts him to bed. You know why? Because it gives me some wind down time and allows him to connect with DS. She's busy all day too, dealing with sick kids, keeping house (god I hate that phrase) and trying to get her business up and running. Marriage is meant to be a partnership.

What little he does, she might as well be a single mum...

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 11-Jan-13 09:07:10

You definitely need to get that business up and running.

Did he choose to be a parent? hmm I don't see a lot of parenting being done by him?

Start outsourcing housework, ironing, meals etc and spend time on the business.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 11-Jan-13 09:07:53

Why do you not have access to the family money?

NotSoNervous Fri 11-Jan-13 09:09:07

YANBU their his DCs too so he needs to help out. I'd tell him he'll be rehomed before the dog

BeaWheesht Fri 11-Jan-13 09:09:55

When you do the school run does your ill child come too? If so couldn't they manage at least a short walk At lunch say? If not could whoever watches them not wait a wee bit extra so you can walk the dog?

Alternatively couldn't you walk dog on school run and wait at gates and get kids to come to you - my eldest is 6 and his school would allow this if I per arranged it - your youngest is 6 right? Then dog wouldn't need to be tied up or alone. If people overstep the mark - tell them. I have a recently rescued very cute dog who is horrendous for jumping and pulling on the lead - I tell kids to just say hello because I'm trying to train him to be a good dog in my dreams

What are you going to do tomorrow? Go out in your own?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:10:14

Chipping - I know I do. It's really upsetting me that I can't do anything about it. I can't go and meet people with a vomiting small child in tow!!
It's not my money. I could have some if I had a reason. I just want to cry when I think about having to justify a cup of coffee out. I have some savings thankfully but they won't last long.

cory Fri 11-Jan-13 09:10:15

My dh works exactly the same hours: he leaves the house at 5.30 and comes back at 7. I work part time and consequently should be doing more of the house work. However, there are some pretty major differences:

he accepts that with hours like these we all have to accept some short-cuts in terms of quality of food and comfort

he accepts that in times of crisis (having one atm due to dd's mh problems) I may well be working harder than him and be more exhausted and he will need to pitch in and relieve me just as I agreed to pitch in more and relieve him when he got this new and tiring job

he is prepared and able to discuss any arrangements equal to equal rather than laying down the law about what we have to do to suit him

he is good with his children and capable about the house (due to attitude and years of practice), so any work he does at home is a genuine contribution

he accepts that we both have an equal need of leisure time and that weekends have to be organised around that need

basically, we both love each other equally and neither wants to see the other worn down

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 11-Jan-13 09:12:06

Why isn't it your money? Why can't you spend it freely? Why do you have to ask?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:14:23

Bea - it's tricky but I actually do 2 school runs because DC are all at different schools. So involves a 30 min walk than 20 min car journey. Which works fine on good days but today will entail youngest going in the car with a sickbowl to collect. Thankfully I got a friend to do drop off.
When I had my 10 year old home she wasn't up to a walk at all, she sat in her pjs in the car.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:15:48

Chipping - because it's not my money. Those words aren't said but implied. I do have a credit card but every purchase is liable to be questioned.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:18:04

Sorry Bea didn't answer this. Tomorrow I have to take eldest to some activity so that will be a big chunk of the day. The rest depends on DD, hopefully if she's well enough to be left with DH.

lagoonhaze Fri 11-Jan-13 09:19:03

This isnt a relationship at all. Think of what you are teaching your children and how you deserve better.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:19:10

Beginning to think I should have entitled this "AIBU to be tired and fed up because H is a knob" smile

Lancelottie Fri 11-Jan-13 09:22:26

I think we'd all agree with you there, OP!

Mid-illness is probably not the best time to sort him out, but you know what, I'd let those feelings fester nicely if i were you -- maybe write it down -- and do something about it when the kids are back on form.

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 09:22:29
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 11-Jan-13 09:23:31

Oh love, I know this isn't why you started the thread but there's so much wrong here it's awful sad

He goes to work to earn the money
You stay at home and look after the kids to earn the money
You share the money

That's the basic premis of 'one parent working, one parent is the SAHP.

It is not

He goes to work to earn the money
You stay at home to look after the kids, clean the house, cook the meals, do as you are told and have no money

Why are you accepting this arrangement??

Lancelottie Fri 11-Jan-13 09:23:55

Oh, and you can still claim child benefit. He will have to pay it back next year, but is that your problem? No, it's his. Especially if he leaves you short of other money for you and the kids.

JustFabulous Fri 11-Jan-13 09:25:25

You deserve so much better and until you see that your life will be shit sad.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:25:28

It's been cancelled. I wanted to put it in a high interest account and then sort it out at tax return stage but that didn't happen.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:27:47

Chipping - I guess because that has been the arrangement for a very long time. When you meet someone at 17 and you come from a totally dysfunctional family.....how do you know what's right? And when you realise it's not it takes a very long time to realise why!!

I like the idea of letting this fester......I can't even think straight at the moment let alone pick this mess apart.

MrsMelons Fri 11-Jan-13 09:27:47

You know that things will not get better don't you, you may feel better when you are not ill but this situation will never change.

DH had flu (and I mean flu) for 10 days before xmas, he was still pretty unwell on xmas eve when I came down with it but I barely lifted a finger, I was properly looked after as he was when he was ill. He wasn't actually well at all but thats what you do in a loving relationship - work together to get through illness/tough times etc.

The trouble is, its very hard to give you advice on your OP without sounding really harsh. You do know that his behaviour is really NOT normal don't you?

BTW - you should listen to your dog - she sounds very sensible grin

grumpyinthemorning Fri 11-Jan-13 09:32:21

Given the info about the money...is he controlling in other ways? Any friends you dropped because he doesn't like them?

VeganCow Fri 11-Jan-13 09:33:16

I would love to walk the dog when he's home but can't in the evening as he wants the dinner cooked

Out of order.
Walk the dog, let him feed himself, he sounds like a selfish twat. I would rehome him not the poor dog.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 09:37:42

I've dropped friends in the past but figured that little game out. It annoys him that I have so many divorced friends, apparently they probably tell me how I can "screw him out of his money". I don't deliberately choose divorced ones! Just the age I am I think.

BeckAndCall Fri 11-Jan-13 09:42:23

There's clearly more to the OP's situation than just this one bout of family illness. But during this difficult couple of weeks is not the time to make long term arrangements, I don't think. Get through this tough few days and then think about it all afresh.

And grumpy I still disagree with you - I wouldn't expect my DH to come in at 8 and then bath the kids. The OP's kids are all school age - how much supervision do they need? For DHs who come home to bath the kids, we're usually talking babies and toddlers at 6 pm - OP's DH is not in til 8

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 11-Jan-13 09:42:38

sad

God there are some awful stories about people's relationships on MN but this is one of the worst I've seen.

OP your situation sounds close to slavery - precise instructions on how to cook dinner, no financial resources, no consideration of your health and well being.

Please confide in someone you trust and listen to their advice.

JustFabulous Fri 11-Jan-13 09:44:12

"his" money? hmm

It makes me so sad to see so many posts from women who come across as very strong and together who are being well and truly abused by their husbands.

Mumsyblouse Fri 11-Jan-13 09:47:21

Wow your husband is horrible. I work very long hours, often not in til 8/9 at night, and do you know what, I still do what I can when I get in, even if it just stack the dishwasher and go to bed! On weekends, we go pretty much 50/50. This is normal, and everything you are saying from him complaining about your cooking, to complaining you have divorced friends (can see why he would worry, divorce must look tempting) to his inability to care for his own children on weeekends or any other time, is not normal.

I don't think you are ready to hear that though, as you seem to be avoiding the point that your husband is quite a nasty piece of work and you are choosing to stay with him being like this. There is no sense of you and him being a team, and do you know what, I don't think he'll give you the slightest bit of help with your new business.

I don't know where you can go from here unless you are prepared to face this, but I do think you don't want to (financial insecurity, fear, not wanting to rock the boat). Your husband has worked out exactly how nice and helpful he has to be (not very much at all) for you not to leave him, and I don't think he plans on changing anytime soon. Do you?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Fri 11-Jan-13 09:48:37

You can ask HMRC to continue your CB payments at any time even though you've stopped them. I would if he leaves you short of money. Let him sort it out on his tax return. My DH has to fill in a tax return anyway so I said I'm not cancelling the payments and he can repay in due course.

Mumsyblouse Fri 11-Jan-13 09:51:52

Also- I don't know if this would help, but I would think of yourself as a single mum , which to all intents and purposes you are anyway. Think of how well you do cope on your own without any help at all, ok, it's been a hard month, but you got through it. Stopping expecting him to help and constantly hand-wringing over the fact he never does (which will not change now) might actually free you up emotionally. In fact, being a single mum might look a darn sight more attractive option than having a partner who does nothing around the house/with the kids (yes, I get he provides the money, but in this day and age, it's not typical to then get a free pass to do nothing with your wife or children for the entire week!)

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 11-Jan-13 09:51:54

Well, how about you do what you need to do until the kids are back at school, hopefully Monday, then you read this thread and take note of what people are saying - it is not right sad It is an awful way to be living and the worst part is that you are so conditioned to it, you don't see how awful it is. If you want even more brutal honestly, post in Relationships. Change name if you really want to and be brutally honest. It really is sad sad I hope you and the kids are all feeling better soon x

freeandhappy Fri 11-Jan-13 09:52:43

Move to relationships? This is absolutely horrible OP. he has done a real number on you sad. Try to get a copy of Lundy bancrofts book inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Maybe you can start slowly trying to liberate yourself? Your husband sounds like your master not your loving partner.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 10:01:44

Thank you all very very much. I posted kind of expecting to be flamed for not being more sympathetic to my kids being ill!

I have thought of myself as a single mum really for quite a while but every now and then think maybe if I just made more effort? Stupid I know. I really don't mind doing the majority of the house stuff, but when I'm there close to tears begging him for help I don't expect to get told to rehome the dog. All he needed to do was hug me and make me a cup of tea. I didn't expect him to solve it all or stay home. I never get a hug, I guess that isn't normal either?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 10:04:17

Cath you need to address some serious issues:

Being cold to his children.
Being a control freak.
Getting stroppy over how dinner is cooked.
Wont walk the dog, even at the weekend.
Sees you as a skivvy.
Wont help with your business, (i.e. trying to make sure you are financially dependant.

Your husband is a massive dick, if things need doing and your there, then you do them, if hes around then he should be doing things too, its not just your responsibility.

freeandhappy Fri 11-Jan-13 10:11:05

I think you must be a very strong and resourceful person to have managed in such a horrible demoralizing situation. The thing is that all your strengths are being used to make HIS life better. Why don't you support yourself. Who is on your side? He isn't. Start redirecting your energy to yourself. It sounds like things are getting worse not better by the way. I think you are fooling yourself there. You are now in a worse position as regards money. He won't help you with your business as he doesn't want you to have any power or control. He may subtly sabotage you and you will feel like shit sad

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 11-Jan-13 10:17:26

No love, that's not normal either sad

I want to hug you and I don't even know you!

I haven't read the book, but it comes highly recommended.

Startail Fri 11-Jan-13 10:20:49

DH definitely needs to learn how to operate a MW.

Heating up stew or pasta bake while you walk the dog, go to the gym or go swimming- Which was my one night a week off from small DDs should not beyond him.

You need to get him far better trained.

Or you need to ensure he eats a hot dinner at lunch time or grabs a pasty in the car coming home.

He needs to understand that SAHMs need down time out of the house to stay sane.

Flopping on the sofa where you can still see the mess, hear non asleep DCs does not count.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 10:21:04

I've got the book. Was hoping it might contain some little microchip I could insert into him (who knows where?!!) and make him nicer. Sadly it didn't.

It seems so easy to just leave but I have friends who have done that (for other reasons) and generally knobber husbands don't turn amenable and nice when you leave them, they tell me. If anything they up the ante. That doesn't sound fun either.

Right off to bleach my bathroom and watch cbeebies, I can feel my brain cells dying by the minute....!

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 10:23:31

I'm just going to throw this one out here while I'm on a roll. Feel free to comment.....
AIBU to think its not normal for a H to put pillows down the middle of the bed so his wife doesn't inadvertently touch him in the night? Can't really ask RL friends that one....

mummytime Fri 11-Jan-13 10:25:57

YANBU - I was mildly cross when my DH decided to work at home on the first day all 3 of my kids were at school.

YWNBU to post in relationships - and I haven't read everything. If he is off work with a cough, he can watch a child who has been sick. He can also cook for himself/use the microwave or starve. My teenage DC can feed themselves some meals, and they are not particularly well trained.

If the dog is a family pet, then it is everyones responsibility. Including your H.

I really hope this helps you sort out your life.

Mumsyblouse Fri 11-Jan-13 10:27:11

Oh Cath, I'm so sorry. Your husband is really nasty. I don't like being touched in the night as I like my sleep but I would never do this, and if I do move away from my husband in the night, I do so after lots of cuddles and taking his feelings into account. If there's no hugs, no touching in the night, he's cold with the children, it just sounds awful. I'm sorry but I can't actually see how him not being there would be worse, he doesn't do anything anyway and you have to cope with continual rejection and pretend it doesn't matter. I would rather live in a small happy house on my own with lots of cuddles with my kids than this very cold man.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 10:27:25

Cath What? No that aint normal, its weird and disrespectful, hes getting weirder by the minute, if he dont wanna be touched, he can sleep on the sofa.

mummytime Fri 11-Jan-13 10:29:59

Oh he is really doing one to you? That is not normal behaviour from your H.

Okay if you get rid of a knobber - he may try to up the ante. BUT you have long periods without him. You don't do his cooking, shopping, washing etc., you can parent your kids how you want to. You can ask people for favours/buy in help without feeling ashamed because he is at home.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 10:30:11

It sounds like this man, doesnt want a wife or a family, he just wants a skivvy and to prove how manly he is by making children.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 10:30:58

I have cold feet apparently :S

He does it if youngest is ill and in the bed too. So on my side is me, her and the pillows (they go on my side), on his side is ummmm just him!! I can take the pillows away if "I want him" apparently. Strangely enough I don't want him.

ginmakesitallok Fri 11-Jan-13 10:32:10

I don't usually comment on these sorts of threads but I am shock but and happy that you are finally realising that your DP is not treating you very well. I'm not a SAHM, work part-time. DP works fulltime and earns twice what I do. But all money is OUR money, when we are both at home (evenings and weekends) we share childcare 50/50 (in fact he probably does more at the minute). On the days I don't work it is my "job" to look after the kids - that's it. Whoever is home first cooks, and whoever is being cooked for is grateful to the other one (whether food is cooked in oven or slowcooker!).

What exactly does your DP contribute to the relationship???

If you are happy to continue with things the way they are then that is your choice - but what sort of example is your relationship setting for your kids?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 10:32:58

Haha, Cold feet, thats the most ridiculous excuse ever, most men would make you a hot water bottle, to warm your feet.

fraidknot Fri 11-Jan-13 10:36:39

When you meet someone at 17 and you come from a totally dysfunctional family.....how do you know what's right? And when you realise it's not it takes a very long time to realise why!!

Can you please read this back to yourself and realise that this is the very situation yoiur children could end up in.
You seem to be on the verge of realising you really can do it alone, I really hope you find the strength to follow through with it.

amicissimma Fri 11-Jan-13 10:37:40

'The [child benefit] was cancelled.' Someone chose to cancel it. You allowed that to happen. You can choose to claim it. He can sort out his tax when it's due. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

When he walks in the door you can choose to walk out with the dog. He can sort himself, out some dinner or wait till you get back. Up to him. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I'm a SAHM. My DH works long hours. Sometimes he has tried a little matyrdom. I've had to make sure I nip it in the bud. It can be hard but is my responsibility to ensure my DCs are brought up in healthy environment; I don't see sitting back and saying 'DH won't let me/won't do... ' etc as an option. We are both working equally hard (overall) and contributing to our family set up.

You sound as if you need a break tomorrow as much as he does. Please get up and walk out of the door in the morning, just popping your head round the door to tell him he's in charge. Do not hesitate, just walk out. Have a few hours out. If he kicks up when you return just keep mentally shrugging and saying 'whatever' to yourself. Think of it as an investment. You deserve it. You need it. Your marriage needs it. Your DCs will benefit.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 10:39:52

fraidknot
Emotionally and physically I can cope on my own. Financially no. And all the typing numbers into benefit calculators doesn't make me think differently. I need my business to work so I can at least have a bit of money to go with. That's what makes sitting at home so frustrating. I have to get out of the house to sort things out and I can't.

Thewhingingdefective Fri 11-Jan-13 10:41:16

YANBU.

Your DH needs a kick up the arse.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 10:42:17

He won't kick up when I walk out. He will just shrug and tell DC that mummy wasn't worried enough about her to stay home and look after her. She will cry and he will ignore her. She isn't a spoilt brat but she will need attention, especially if she is being sick. It makes me sound like a martyr saying I can't leave her, but if she's ill I can't. They are my responsibility and I know that.

freeandhappy Fri 11-Jan-13 10:44:43

I don't know about normal but it makes me want to cry just thinking about it and I'm a toughie. This is horrible. Maybe I'm premenstrual because I've read an awful lot on mn but this is getting to me. I think it's all the cheerful exclamation marks. Cath I hope you have a nice day today. Be good to yourself.

Andro Fri 11-Jan-13 10:44:48

Cath, this is so far away from 'normal' it's not even in the same galaxy! Your husband needs a reality check, some therapy and a boot up the backside. You need a lot of support, some sleep and possibly a 'surgeon' who is trained to remove poisonous carbuncles like your husband (also known as a divorce lawyer) if he doesn't get his head out of his butt.

You're the only one who can change your situation, your current situations does not sound healthy at all.

Sending loads of cyber-hugs your way!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 10:46:02

Cath You didnt make them alone, he needs to take some responsibility, you need to get tough with him, or boot him out, he obviously dont give a shit.

You have proved to yourself you can manage alone.

amicissimma Fri 11-Jan-13 10:49:52

Is it more damaging to leave a (sick but recovering) school age child with her dad for a few hours or to let her watch her mother completely disrespect herself to comply with her husband's demands?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 11-Jan-13 10:54:06

Cath you need a good lawyer. You could take him to the cleaners.

Fucking horrible arsehole of a man.

TeaOneSugar Fri 11-Jan-13 10:59:48

You will manage financially and be much happier without him.

TranceDaemon Fri 11-Jan-13 11:00:34

Your husband is a complete twat. You sound lovely, please get some support and kick him into touch!

Chunkymumma Fri 11-Jan-13 11:03:32

Oh dear god, the more I read of this the more I think you need to leave this man. He's controlling your life. Please stop letting this happen. You shouldn't have to justify any money you spend! You shouldn't be made to cook separate meals/or not use the slow cooker - he sounds pathetic. And he's 'cold' towards your 6 year old, what a mean bastard.
You don't seem to be listening to anyone's advice on here, instead coming out with more examples of his horrible behaviour - do yourself and your dcs a huge favour and try to put a STOP this now before you have a breakdown, and he ruins the children's perspective of an adult relationship forever.

aufaniae Fri 11-Jan-13 11:04:33

cath if you divorce him, you will be entitled to a share of the house, and he will need to make maintenance payments, so you could well be better off financially without him. You will undoubtably be better off emotionally without him.

You are a very strong woman to bear this and still have some sense of who you are! But please, please, start making an exit plan. To continue in this situation is damaging to you and your DC. You probably won't realise how much until you are out of it.

Am I right in thinking that you see your business as a way out on some level? I wonder if he know this too (even if only subconsciously) - he is using money to control you and keep you as his possession. However new businesses are risky (as I'm sure you know) and I reckon it probably makes sense to start making plans sooner than that.

I think you need to know about where you stand. Why not go and see a divorce laywer just to find out how it works and what it's likely you'd be entitled to. (He doesn't need to know, you're not committing to a divorce, just getting information!)

And if you think in your heart of hearts that divorce is on the cards eventually (and it should be IMO, you're being abused) I'd advise you to seriously think about getting on with it: legal aid for divorce is disappearing in April IIRC. If you divorce him now, you'll may well get a much better deal for you and your DCs.

Maybe put off relying on the business to get you out just for now? He's going to make it as hard as he can. And instead work on getting your independence from this abusive man, as a precursor to setting up your business and starting a new life.

I was in an abusive relationship before. I am now with a wonderful man who is my best friend and would go out of his way to do anything for me and the DCs. (DP used to be a chef and does all the cooking for example. We share stuff like bedtime, baths and cleaning, even in periods when he's working and I'm not). You deserve to be well treated, you really don't deserve the existence you're enduring right now, nor do your DCs. But only you can do something about it. Your H won't change, the only way to get change is to get away from him.

GreatUncleEddie Fri 11-Jan-13 11:10:41

The bed thing - you will get loads of negative posts about this. Just to say, I have a friend in a 20 year marriage which I believe to be pretty good, though I know they have ups and downs like most of us. They do this, they sleep better that way. In itself I don't think it is significant.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 11:12:06

Cath, if he says that to your DD, that is horrible. But your Dd has had days, months, years of you loving her. She will be upset because it is a horrible thing for anyone to say, not because she believes it is true.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 11:12:52

Eddie, I think it's significant if it hasn't been discussed and agreed.

GreatUncleEddie Fri 11-Jan-13 11:13:26

And I see the thread has now gone the usual " leave the bastard" way. Things are always worse when you have a run of illness. They can get better. Maybe if you change stuff (like how you cook!) it will help. You can't change what he does, but you can change what you do and see if it helps or if he moans like a child and becomes unbearable

whois Fri 11-Jan-13 11:13:34

OP you are in a bad bad situation.

Look at the difference between these two scenarios.

Husband works long hours. Wife SAHM and does all cooking cleaning etc.
Husband (quite reasonably) expects not to have to cook dinner himself when he gets in late at 8.30 pm every day.
Wife ensures dinner is ready for husband, either a stew in sllow cooker, plate to be reheated from earlier or even a lovely m&s ready meal.

Scenario A

Hisband comes home. Wife heats up food. Man goes upstairs to give his DCs a good night kiss. Man eats dinner and says thank you.

Scenario B

Man refuses to eat food as its not been made just for him to his specification. Man does not go and kiss children. Man treats wife like shit.

You don't see it OP, but he's a total fucking cunt.

You think staying with him is best for the children but if my dad had been so cold he left me crying in bed whenever he was left alone with me, I would not have thanked my mum for staying with him.

Get yourself some kind of counselling as you obvs have deep rooted issues around serving people and your self worth.

KenLeeeeeee Fri 11-Jan-13 11:13:40

AIBU to be tired and fed up because H is a knob - YANBU, he sounds a total nightmare! I don't even know where to start with this one.

PessaryPam Fri 11-Jan-13 11:14:00

TBH I wouldn't leave the bastard. I think I would poison him with a lovingly prepared casserole just for him.

Mumsyblouse Fri 11-Jan-13 11:15:14

greatUncleEddie, I agree that sleeping separately or in a comfy way is not of itself alarming, I do it myself. However, this is not what cath is reporting, rather her husband puts pillows to keep her out on her side, that's very rejecting and not a mutual decision. These things are very delicate which is why both parties should agree to any separation in beds/bedding and for it to not impact the intimacy of the relationship, this is not the case here as there is little intimacy and it is very much a reflection of the coldness that pervades the whole situation.

Andro Fri 11-Jan-13 11:16:17

GreatUncleEddie - on it's own, the bed thing wouldn't be an issue (apart form the pillows being on her side only, not down the middle), but as part of a a wider pattern of behaviour it's just one more strange thing.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 11:17:32

Could I make it a slow cooker casserole?!!

I am taking on board everything that's being said. Things will be easier when I can actually get back out of the house again and I can get my thoughts back on track.

Thanks for all of the help.

Snazzynewyear Fri 11-Jan-13 11:24:22

Your H is shortchanging you and his kids massively. Marriage is not always about splitting everything 50/50 but it should be fair to both of you and you should be a team. Doesn't sound that way at all. He sees you as much lower down the scale to him, to the point that only his needs and opinions count. In terms of money and resources, what's yours is his but what's his is only his - how is that fair? And flat out refusing to do certain tasks when you are ill and need him to pick up the slack is not what a decent person does, nor is it what someone who really loves and cares for you does.

Seriously, don't cook for him ever again tonight. Tell him straight you have been too ill and busy and he will have to sort something out himself. Have you done this at all before? If so, what happens?

And reactive the child benefit. He is being unfair to decide himself that you won't get it when it is the only money you have access to. So much wrong with this. A decent man would be ashamed to think he kept his wife and children short of money. There are men on here who would back this up.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 11:25:35

Cath, You cook dinner, you make what ya like, how ya like and when ya like, he dont like it, its starve or make his own.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 11:31:19

Snazzy he will cook if he has to. But I find it difficult. If I'm missing an ingredient then when I'm cooking I just work round that. So for example if we are out of mushrooms for bolognese then I will just make it without. He will bang and crash around, huffing and puffing. Then slam out of the door to go to the supermarket muttering about how it needs to be made properly. I find that really stressful. I have issues around good anyhow and I need to keep things calm then. That probably makes me sound really fussy.

If I am ill and can't cook then he will do himself beans on toast but complain about it.

Re: the child benefit, before he went online to cancel it I discussed it with him. Said I felt it was demeaning at my age to have to ask him for money and could he set up a direct debit to go into my account from the joint one? I agreed to half the CB money because we are not that well off. But he's refused to do that now.

PessaryPam Fri 11-Jan-13 11:32:49

Yes you can cath but you will have to pop it into a casserole dish and put it in the oven before he comes home.

JessicaMLH Fri 11-Jan-13 11:32:51

OP, I am on the verge of tears for you sad
For 9 years of my childhood my mum was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and so many of the things you say your DH does/says sounds just like him.

It ruined so much of my life and my mum's life, until she managed to get out. Please don't let that carry on for you and your children, you deserve so so much better.

Massive hugs for you OP thanks

Marne Fri 11-Jan-13 11:34:34

op, your dh sounds just like mine (i always get the 'leave the bastard' response on here too), i dred my dd's getting ill as i know dh wont take 10 minutes off work to sit with one when i take the other to school, in the past when one has been very ill i have had to keep the other one off as i cant get them to school. Dh would get himself a take away on the way home though to save me cooking for him.

I do have sympathy for you, my dd's were ill on and off before christmas with flu and ear infections, i seemed to just get one back to school and the other would be ill (luckily they were not very ill so i could drag them out on the school run), i was pulling my hair out not being able to go anywhere sad.

Hope all your dc's are beter soon and you manahe to get a whole week next week with no dc's home.

Snazzynewyear Fri 11-Jan-13 11:36:17

Cath, if you're losing child benefit then I assume he earns over 50K at least? So it strikes me that while you might not feel well off as a family, for him it's very much I'm All Right Jack.

Your fussiness is probably at least partly from living with such a miserable git! How about you get a tin of beans out, loaf of bread out and point and say 'There you go, your job for the night'. Then just tune out the moaning.

He has nicely set things up so it is 'less trouble' to just do it his way than to challenge anything. That's not uncommon but it is not right, not at all. I know it seems very hard but you need to start pushing back on this and gathe your strength. You sound very bright and capable, just very dragged down.

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 11:40:33

cathkidstonbag I've read through the whole thread ( unusual for me, bit lazy you see) and one major issue is how he perceives you and the children.

He sounds like a throwback from the distant past, wife seen but not heard, children neither seen nor heard! Who goes to parents evenings? Who goes to the nativity play? Visits the school to meet the teachers?

And at the weekends, does he take the DCs to any clubs like football and meet the other parents? In short, does he play any role in the children's lives at all, or take any interest in who they spend time with and how they are getting on?

I'm getting all sorts of warning signals. For a start, his obsession with your performance as a housewife will be transferred onto the children. He'll be all over their results and report cards when they are bigger criticising if they are not A*, while not actually helping them at all.

Also, why is your only income child benefit? Where is his money going? Does he do any of the household chores at all, eg grocery shopping on weekends, hoovering, whatever.

Worried about you OP! brew

hopenglory Fri 11-Jan-13 11:46:31

oh my god, this is heartbreaking stuff.

Can I just ask you, in a few years time, if your DD is living in a loveless marriage with a man who has no respect for her, treats her like a servant and is abusive on many levels, what would you want her to do? Stay and put up with it?

Your kids are going to think that this is acceptable. Even if you decide not to leave, you need to start changing things - and not just the way you cook (Really greatUncleEddie??? FFS angry ) - and take control of your own life

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 11:49:45

Hanikam - parents eve, sports day, etc. me. Unless I really make an issue of it eg. Insist he goes to nativity play. It will be done under sufferance. Really that isn't an issue, he works long hours and can't easily get time off. I do get that.
No he doesn't take to activities, or chat with other parents. Doesn't help with reading homework etc. generally. Will do if I ask repeatedly but doesn't really want to.
He will do chores, if only to demonstrate how to properly do them. I don't clean properly apparently! But it will again be a huge deal. He will make the DDs help (not a problem in itself) by telling them mummy was obviously too busy to Hoover this week, probably having coffee with her friends hahaha. It's all a big jokey thing to him.

expatinscotland Fri 11-Jan-13 11:54:03

What a lovely example to set for your kids.

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 11-Jan-13 11:54:08

Is this thread for real? I am finding it hard to believe tbh.
If it is, then Cath, you can't continue like this, if not for yourself then for your kids.
When you leave this utter twat you will be legally entitled to proper maintenance.
You will also be entitled to half the sale of the house, plus tax credits.
You will be fine. You will be able to get your business going in peace, and have a lovely life.
You don't need this excuse for a man. You are already doing it all alone. Doing it alone with a bit more money and maybe even a nice boyfriend who treat you well will be a piece of cake.

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 11-Jan-13 11:56:00

Also, you are clearly a lovely and social person, even with your H's controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour you managed to make some good friends. Use them. I guarantee they are dying to help you get the hell out of there.

hamdangle Fri 11-Jan-13 11:59:18

Op, you are ignoring all the comments telling you that his behaviour is/will affect your children. Instead you reply by giving more examples of his awful behaviour. You seem to think that the things that he does to control you are proof of how much he loves you. they're not. He does these things because he is abusive and you are letting him. I don't say this lightly, but you really need to make changes or leave, at least for your children's sake.

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 11:59:53

Ok, OP, now I am seriously worried. Your DDs will grow up expecting their men to treat them this way. I'm sure as soon they are big enough, he'll have them trotting after him with Daddy's pipe and slippers, and then he'll be comparing their performance as little domestics with yours. What a game he is playing!

Don't suppose he's ever had therapy?

Regardless of his atavistic behaviour towards you, why doesn't he take an interest in his daughters? Personal question, but are you his second wife and does he feel that he's done it all before and the whole parenthood thing is rather a bore this time around?
(I have a friend in RL who is in this situation regarding her DCs).

peeriebear Fri 11-Jan-13 12:01:11

Nobody has the power to change your life for the better but you. If you muster the courage to leave in ten years, you WILL say to yourself "Why didn't I leave ten years ago, WHY!"
Your H (Not DH) is a SHIT. A shit husband, a shit father and an appalling excuse for a man. Emotionally and financially abusive. Please, please start a plan to leave him before your DD sees this awful relationship as normal.

PessaryPam Fri 11-Jan-13 12:03:19

I second IfNotNowThenWhen.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 12:04:07

His second wife? No I'm not. I guess bottom line is he doesn't take an interest in them because he didn't want them. So this isn't what he wanted from his life. (And no I didn't trick him into it!).

And I'm not ignoring the comments about how he will affect the DC. I am totally aware of that. And I don't think the things he does are proof of his love, it's ownership not love they show.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 12:06:35

So Cath hes not even a dad, more a sperm donor, my ex is a dick but atleast he takes interest in our DD, your DH to your children, is basically a man who lives with you and bosses mummy about, how heartbreaking for them.

You sound so strong and capable, i think you need to work out the pros and cons of staying with him, and be honest, so far the cons are:

Cold with children
Doesnt parent children
Nags constantly
Is not loving
Leaves you without money
Wont help you when you are ill
Treats you like a slave
Wants you financially dependant
Doesnt support your dreams
Feeds your children lies

Im sure theres alot more. any pros?

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 12:06:44

shock He didn't want them? So he'll let them know that forever? shock

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 12:10:23

x-posted, He will show his resentment to them for the rest of their lives, and that will screw them up big time. as many on here who have toxic parents will know that.

PessaryPam Fri 11-Jan-13 12:10:39

I meant I agree with IfNotNowThenWhen. I don't think you realise how strong a position you are in.

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 12:11:16

OP, you sound like a lovely person. Wish I knew you in RL!
You know this cannot go on, something has to give, and if you carry on your mental and physical health will suffer. Who will look after your DDs then?

No-ones marriage is perfect, though from your DHs pov he's got it made. No wonder he doesn't want change.

diddl Fri 11-Jan-13 12:13:44

He didn´t want them?

Do they know that?

Does he want them now?

Are the expected to be eternally grateful for any tiny crumb he throws them?

And so what if you were too busy having a life to hoover?

MrsSiba Fri 11-Jan-13 12:14:22

OP there's some very good advice on here and hopefully it will help you see your situation more clearly and the steps you can take to make yours and DCs lives happier. Only you can make a change, DH has things far too good.

May I ask what is the business you are trying to set up?

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 12:21:16

Yes MrsSiba I'd like to know as well.
What did you study for 18 months? And what would you like to do?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 12:23:06

Can I pm you both? That information coupled with everything else on here could out me in RL!

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 12:24:16

Yes sure, don't know how to do that though. More of a lurker on here till recently.

hamdangle Fri 11-Jan-13 12:25:52

what do you mean by 'it's ownership not love they show'? Please don't think that all men are like this or would even want to live like this if they could get away with it. If by 'they' you mean 'abusive men' then you obviously know this is an abusive elationship.

You have told us all the things he gets from the relationship but what do you get from it? why are you continuing to live and bring children up in this environment?

MrsSiba Fri 11-Jan-13 12:31:04

Yes of course, sorry not trying to pry but interested as you said you had studied for 18 months

JessicaMLH Fri 11-Jan-13 12:36:31

OP I wish I knew you in RL too, I wish I could do something to help you... I don't have any legal knowledge or anyt to hand out, but we're all here for you and you CAN get out if you really want to, I'm sure your RL friends will support you as I suspect would the courts after everything you've told us here!

aamia Fri 11-Jan-13 12:37:58

He sounds horrible. Compare this situation to yours and maybe you'll see why he is not worth it?

I had a dad who worked very long hours (out of the house by 8am, in at 7pm, quick dinner then up to his study to work again until nearly midnight), and a sahm. I hardly saw my dad and didn't really know him. At weekends he was working again, usually in front of the TV. If I wanted a cuddle though he would work with me snuggled up to him on the sofa, or take an hour out to play with me in the garden/walk the dog with me or something. He always said goodnight, read me a bedtime story when I was little, and spent time with me when we went away on holiday. So I knew he loved me, even if he was ridiculously overworked.
My mum had a tight budget for household stuff because my dad was a little obsessed with saving, we had a vegetable garden etc (which he used as his hobby). I learnt early on that you could get money out of him, just had to show him why you needed it. He wasn't unreasonable, encouraged my mum to go to social activities, buy herself things etc. He loved to see her with jewelry/nice clothes, and wanted her to be happy. She did all the chores incl shopping, cooking, cleaning, brought him tea and a biscuit in the evening etc - but that was the way they were brought up, and if he wanted a cup of tea and she wasn't in the kitchen at the time, he'd get it himself and was perfectly able to help himself to snacks etc. He would never have dared to criticize her cleaning/cooking as she was feisty and he'd get it lol. She was a fantastic cook though and we were totally spoilt on that front! She always said to me to not give up work totally ever, that it was good to have your own money, and she tutored for some for herself.
Now she has dementia and he still goes to work, but they have a cleaner, and he does everything else - cooking, washing, shopping etc. It is incredibly hard on him with those hours, but that is what love is. I'm shortly going to stay to show him how to cook more than boiled chicken every night - he's been eating boiled chicken, rice and frozen veg for the last six months nearly!!!

In my situation, my dad worked ridiculous hours to earn the money, and my mum did everything else. BUT unlike your situation, he loved her (still does, despite the fact that she's not been 'herself' for a long time now) and me. Your situation is not normal!

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 11-Jan-13 12:39:51

I think what you should do, once the dc are well again, is this:

1. Speak to a good divorce lawyer. Get advice about your position. Print out this thread and take it with you, or write down all the things you have told us, to show why you need a divorce.

1. Contact Womens' Aid for advice on leaving.

3. Re-instate the CB forthwith and contact the dwp about other benefits. Also CSA about child support.

4. Gather your friends together. Inform them you are planning to leave and ask for help. Just ask. I don't even know you, but I would help you any way I could.

5. Make a plan, with the help and advice you now have behind you. Pick a date. Rent a flat somewhere near school. Book a van. Leave a note for H with instructions on how to work the microwave.

Your dog is a very good judge of character. Listen to her.
What would happen if you arranged it all and then told H you were leaving with the kids? What do you think he would do?

Smellslikecatspee Fri 11-Jan-13 12:43:42

Oh sweetheart, I just want to give a big hug.

None of this normal. . .

Or right.

He's an arse

BeckAndCall Fri 11-Jan-13 12:46:34

ifnotnowthenwhen, number five on your list, leaving the family home with the kids is not the best advice - OP should see a lawyer before getting anywhere near leaving the home (unless she feels in danger, which she hasn't said she does).

izzyishappilybusy Fri 11-Jan-13 12:46:49

Tbf if he is leaving at 6.30am and not home til 8 at night that dosent leave a lot of time to help out

izzyishappilybusy Fri 11-Jan-13 12:47:31

I think I have missed a lot it said 2 pages and now 9 - so ignore me

JustFabulous Fri 11-Jan-13 12:48:52

Your 10:21 and 10:23 posts make me feel so sad for you, and your children.

Just because he will be a worse twat after divorce is so not a reason to stay.

As for the pillows down the bed, I would be pointing him in the direction of the spare room and settling the dog into "his" space.

TanteRose Fri 11-Jan-13 12:53:23

hamdangle I think Cath means "the things their father does" when she writes they

diddl Fri 11-Jan-13 12:55:52

How could he be worse after divorce??

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 12:56:06

I'm not sure quite what I'd rent a flat with and thought I should stay put??

No spare room unfortunately!

Yes I do mean the things H does. Although to be honest I have a very low opinion of the male species as a whole.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 12:58:18

Well I'm guessing (from what he's told me) that he would fight me over everything. Because let's face it he doesn't care if the children get hurt in that. And he's their father so I can't just walk away from him. Everything would be a battle, only worse because I had the audacity to leave him.

ouryve Fri 11-Jan-13 13:01:43

I'm with re-homing DH.

I am a SAHM/Carer without a business. When DH gets home from work, he mucks in immediately. I am not his mother and he doesn't expect me to be.

And I had one or both of the boys or DH at home ill pretty continually through December, plus a few days under the weather, myself. I'm only just getting it straightened up, now, after they've all been back a week and I still have our bedroom to tackle. It does throw you off routine.

PessaryPam Fri 11-Jan-13 13:03:30

How many children do you have Cath?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 13:04:19

Am I including DH in that total? If not then the answer is 3.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 13:08:38

Cath He aint your childrens father, hes just the person who help make them, he makes no effort to be involved, a real father takes invested interest in his children.

JustFabulous Fri 11-Jan-13 13:09:22

Life is much too long to live it in such a damaging way.

JustFabulous Fri 11-Jan-13 13:11:38

You say he will do this and that, won't do this and that. Why not actually try? Tell him he is being out of order and needs to get his head out of his arse as having a dick and a job does not make him better than you. Things can't be much worse than they are now and if he gets agressive or violent then call the police.

I have a feeling you will just carry on putting up with living not even half a life though sad.

5madthings Fri 11-Jan-13 13:15:01

Oh dear god he is awful.

Op you really need to listen to the advice on here. I am sure it seems scary and yes I bet he will be a twat if you get a divorce, but you wont be living with him.

My dp works long crappy hours and my kids were all I'll in the run up to the holidays and dp juggled things so he could help with school runs. Whern I got I'll send had an I'll child at home and the toddler he came home! He pulls his weight and cooks and does stuff with the kids and around the house because they are OUR children, the house is OURS, money is OURS and I am a sahm.

Honestly I think you need a hug, where are you, please get in touch with some loicsl mnetters. I am in Norwich, pm me if you are local and I will walk the dog!

Springisoutthere Fri 11-Jan-13 13:18:24

Please, please don't let your DC'S be subjected to his emotional abuse, he sounds like my dad in the past, I am 35 and it took me a long time to trust a man due to the way he treated and controlled my mum in a very similar way your H is to you. Thankfully my mum left but I was 16 and that is a long time, and still now it has a knock on affect to my self esteem, that behaviour shapes my life. My lovely DH is the complete opposite to yours and my dad, and my DC'S lives are so much happier for it.

Picture your life in a years time, then 5, then 10, then think you could live until 90, or older with this man, do you want your life to be one of drudge and self loathing and basically being controlled for that long?

I hope you find the strength to sort it out for yourself and your daughters.

Have a look at Womans Aid, I think it has a bit about emotional and financial abuse on there, you can just google Womans Aid.

Take Care.

Snazzynewyear Fri 11-Jan-13 13:19:31

'He would fight me over everything' hmm well, he can try but if he earns enough for you to have child benefit stopped, and you currently earn nothing and he gives you virtually nothing, I don't see how you can end up worse off. No court is going to say 'give her half the amount child benefit would be and nothing more, that's just fine', and once you see a lawyer they will tell you this. Lots of men use this 'I will fight you tooth and nail' line to scare their partners into thinking it would all be so much worse if they went for a divorce. They say that precisely because they know how much they really have to lose, and that a court would see their duty to their family as involving a lot more than they are currently willing to give.

Floralnomad Fri 11-Jan-13 13:20:12

#cath# I've not read all the replies ,just your posts and a selection . When I read the start of your thread I was going to say how unreasonable you were as some of us have kids that never go to school ,due to illness etc. However OMG your husband sounds dire and you really ,really need to take on board some of the advice here and do something about your life. It may be difficult in the beginning but you must think long term ,even beyond your children leaving home , do you still want to be with this man then ? Do something and do it now to change your future .

PessaryPam Fri 11-Jan-13 13:20:21

Hugs Cath. I think you need to think long and hard about what is best for them, and you should factor time-scales into that as their childhoods are passing in a dysfunction family and it must be affecting them. Easy for me to say i know.

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 13:20:21

He may well fight you over everything, but he won't get it.

Do you even know how much he earns? If he has any savings? Where everything is kept? Can you do some VERY discreet digging on that and get copies of everything?

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 11-Jan-13 13:22:26

Beck-thats why "see a lawyer" is number 1!

You could get housing help to rent somewhere until your business started making money Cath.(see number 3 on my list).

I really wouldn't bother trying to get him out. He won't go.
You can. You CAN just walk away. He doesn't deserve the title of Father. Your children don't deserve to grow up like this.

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 13:25:11

Just thinking here, no idea if this is the case, but as she is clearly being abused by him (financially, if not emotionally), could she try to get some kind of harassment order on him, therefore effectively forcing him to move out?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 13:29:08

sigh this is going to sound pitiful but I will say it as it shows why I'm trying to sort this and struggling.

About 18 months ago I asked DH to leave. He gave me 2 options. He would go but battle with me forever more over the DC and do everything possible to make us miserable. That he would probably leave his job so I couldn't get any money out of him. Or option 2, that I tried a bit harder because otherwise I was a quitter and it would be my fault.
I chose option 2.
I guess I'm a coward.
I want my DC to be warm and fed and clothed. I don't want them being laughed at by other kids about their handmedowns or to not have enough to eat or to have to put themselves to bed because mum works every hour (ie my childhood).
That's what stops me just going.

PessaryPam Fri 11-Jan-13 13:30:27

OK it'll have to be the poison option then.

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 13:34:44

It's bullshit. Really, it is.

You will have control of your own finances, space and time to develop your business and, best of all, yourself back. Your lovely children will have a happy mum who isn't treated like a slave and will learn appropriate respect and emotion.

Divorce is a win-win.

Yes, he will make it as difficult as possible. But then, how will he survive with no job and no assets?

Please look very carefully into your financial situation. You have given him warning, he may well have hidden funds.

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 13:35:05

But yes, poison sounds like a suitable alternative.

manicbmc Fri 11-Jan-13 13:39:38

Even if you didn't get a bean from him, you'd still be better off. You'd be happy. You'd be able to spend your time and money how you see fit.

Does the fact that your 'd'h makes your 6 year old cry if he puts her to bed not make alarm bells ring? He is vile to his wife. He is vile to his children and he doesn't deserve any of you. The dog has the measure of him.

Contact women's aid, even if it's only for advice.

MrsSiba Fri 11-Jan-13 13:47:39

So you have asked him to leave and therefore must have thought of a lot of the points already raised to come to that decision. you've shown your own inner strength again by this.

Sounds like he bullied you into staying by turning the tables on you to make it seem like you would be a failure if you left. LTB does not seem so out there now. Consider if you could get out if you were able to devise a real and practical plan....it's got to be worth a try. You sound like you want things to change properly not you making a suggestion which is then stamped on and ignored.

Has DH ever referred to you asking him to leave since ie did he take you seriously?

PessaryPam Fri 11-Jan-13 13:52:56

Seriously Cath, life is too short to spend it with a wanker like this. This not right for you or the children. What is his relationship with his family like?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 13:53:16

He has yes. He made fun of the fact I was too weak to leave and wouldn't be able to survive without him.
I don't actually care if the whole world thinks I'm a quitter and a failure but I don't want to be those things to my DC.

diddl Fri 11-Jan-13 13:55:33

Well tbh he´s a complete bastard if he would see his own children miserable & even give up work to spite them.

By making you all miserable though-what does he really mean- no money?-because he doesn´t give you anything anyway, does he?

Does he mean he will mess the children about by promising to see them & then not bothering?-well, more fool him!

Have you got anyone nearby who could help with childcare if you do LTB?

Floralnomad Fri 11-Jan-13 13:56:35

Leave and leave soon ,you can be a strong ,independent woman setting a positive example for your children . Have you any family that can help you ?

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 13:56:52

Strange relationship with his family. I don't get it. He doesn't seem to care about them. He recently lost a parent (prob outing myself more here!) but unless I make a demand of him he doesn't seem that affected. I mean if I asked him to do something, he would say I was being cruel and too demanding when he was still mourning his parent. Could be anything from taking the bins out to looking after the DC.
And I am sympathetic about that, really I am. But I had to support my DC through the loss of a grandparent and him. He couldn't understand why they were upset, never cuddled them or talked about it.

Snazzynewyear Fri 11-Jan-13 13:56:57

I wouldn't think anyone who had studied for 18 months toward their goal, and was trying to start up a business with no help, no time to do it and no financial support was a quitter or a failure. All those things show considerable strength.

On the other hand, I would think someone who kept his wife and children short of money, time, care and affection was an absolute disgrace. And I wouldn't be the only one.

Snazzynewyear Fri 11-Jan-13 13:59:11

It's too cruel to ask him to put the bin out while in mourning? There aren't enough hmm s on here to show how I feel about that statement.

Please use any effort you can make today to gather up bank statements and any other paperwork or proof of his income, savings etc. Put it somewhere safe, leave it at a friend's (put in a folder and say it's business plans you want to keep out of the kids' sticky hands if you have to) or even post it to a friend's or your parents' house.

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 13:59:20

OP, you come across as a sensible, kind and caring person. And you don't care what others think of you and your choices. Your main concern is your DDs. Did you mention earlier on that your Mum is nearby but doesn't help out? Could she have her DGDs for a while, or overnight, for you to "get your head together"?

PessaryPam Fri 11-Jan-13 13:59:24

You certainly would not be the only one Snazzy. I want to scoop cath up and take her away from it all.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 14:00:22

Cath He clearly after your last post wants a skivvy, hes not interested in acting like a married man or a father, he doesnt want your business to work because with money, you wont be dependent, he wants to keep his skivvy in line, do as i ask and not question, he doesnt love you or take you seriously and this will be what your DC's will have when they are older, he takes no pride or interest in his kids, stop finding reasons to stay, because there are none.

Why in your marriage are you the only one trying, its 50/50 effort on both sides, so why is he shirking his effort, hes a bully, thats why, you children will get messed up or act just like him.

BiscuitCrumbsInBed Fri 11-Jan-13 14:01:26

I've just read this whole thread and I have tears in my eyes at how much you are putting up with. Your H has convinced you that leaving will be worse for your DC and this is nonsense! Why would they think you we're a failure? They're a bit too young to get that concept right now surely, and in the future, when they understand what your life was like before you left (see, I have you leaving him already smile ) they will realise that it's the opposite, you were being strong to make the decision to go. It will teach them self respect and independence. Two things your H obviously doesn't want you to have.

Please do see a family solicitor to get proper advice on what you would be entitled to financially if you left, rather than believing whatever your H tells you. Even if you don't do anything yet, just knowing the facts and figures will make you feel more in control. Good lunch flowers

BiscuitCrumbsInBed Fri 11-Jan-13 14:01:46

Good luck, not lunch, duh!

Snazzynewyear Fri 11-Jan-13 14:02:50

OK, now I've read your 13.29 post. You've tried option 2 for 18 months. Now it's time to admit it hasn't worked even though you've tried. That is NOT YOUR FAULT. How on earth can it be that the whole success or failure of this marriage is on your shoulders? How is nothing ever his fault? He has some serious problems with how he sees the world.

Let him leave his bleeding job. How could you be worse off? You have no money as it is! Let him battle. People will see him for the tosser he is, including the courts. He has made you believe his lies out of fear. Don't be afraid. He has more reason to be afraid of life without you.

PoppadomPreach Fri 11-Jan-13 14:02:54

Just another here adding to the 100% consensus that yu husband is an utter twat.

Please document everything he says/does daily from now on.

Please get legal advice - he may try to battle you every step of the way - but surely that is an easier battle than the one you are fitting now.

Don't listen when he tries to convince you you have no chance of winning or that you are a failure. The an is awful beyond words and no child should be brought up on this environment.

You are being financially and emotionally abused. You have grounds for divorce. Even if he "gives up his job" - you will still take a lot of financial benefit out of this marriage.

Be strong, this man is a worm, a pathetic little wriggly worm.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 11-Jan-13 14:03:58

He sounds more of a wanker with everything you post.

Clearly he isn't actually grief stricken, but is just using it as another stick to beat you with and something else to manipulate you with.

cath - I am SAHM. DH set up his own business this time last year after being made redundant. Now he could have done it all in his own name, but I am a 50% shareholder and therefore receive 50% of the income from it. We share bank accounts, all financial information - everything.
When he comes home from work, he mucks in with putting the DCs to bed - he is so happy to get a chance to spend some time with them. Then we do any tidying and other jobs that need doing and have some dinner together. Sometimes he cooks sometimes I do. At the weekends everything is split 50/50.

What he would not fucking dream of doing is telling me how to do my job - and if he dared say that he didn't like his dinner done this, that or the other way then he would be wearing it and out the door.

Have you noticed, that everything he doesn't like you doing are things that might save you time and make life easier for you? Wanker.

Please tell me that you don't have sex with him?

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 14:04:59
IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 11-Jan-13 14:06:06

Darling, I think when you were a child it was a bit harder to be a single mum. I may be wrong, but I don't think so.And...so the fuck what if your children are wearing hand me downs?
They won't give a shit because they will have a happier home.
Even if you do end up working a lot, they still won't give a shit, because they will still have you as their mum.
All children really care about is feeling safe and having a happy homelife with a happy mum.
That's all that matters. And you won't be so poor you won't be able to cope.
That's why we have a benefits system, so that people like you can escape arseholes like him. It's a safety net which is sometimes much needed.
Even if you get nothing from him, and you might not, you WILL be able to start your business, and you will be able to make your own money. Think of that.
You are not weak, you are strong. He is weak for needing to denigrate another human being in order to feel in control.
I am not someone is is always telling OP's to LTB, but in this case it's so obvious.
Do it sooner rather than later, because the longer you stay the harder it will be. I speak from experience here-nothing will change. He will not change.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 14:07:46

Let him quit his job, he'll have no money, wont be able to claim benefits, because he choose not to work, he'll be in the poor house, you can claim benefits, maybe even work part time and get CB and CTC, you'll be fine.

But he wont quit his job, because eventually he'll work out he'll be poor, wont get the kids, he hardly knows them, Its an empty threat made by a coward.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 14:11:23

Alibaba - sometimes, when it makes the difference to him being nice for the weekend or miserable and sulking through it. It's another job to add to the list I guess.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 11-Jan-13 14:13:58

Jesus Christ.

And he isn't even paying you.

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 14:17:20

Did you look at that list on that link cath?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 14:18:12

Cath How can even manage to have sex with him, he treats you like garbage. I'd keep him at arms length.

Maybe get him a fleshlight or blow up doll.

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 14:21:17

loopsinhoops just read the profile of a sociopath.there's a Stephen King novel about a woman who discovers her DH and father of her DCs is actually a serial killer specialising in young women. I know it's only fiction though OP, I wonder if your DH is compartmentalising and is a totally different person at work.

Hints of a double life when this one is so strictly controlled. Do you ever see his bank statements? Does he ever hide stuff from you eg his phone, e-mails, paperwork.....

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 14:21:26

Loops - yes I did. He matched a few but not many.

Greg - because it's a pay off. I know he will be nicer and I want him to be nice to the DC. It's not a big deal, I've learnt to detach.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 14:23:44

Cath, if you have learnt to detach from sex, that is a Big Fucking Deal.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 14:24:56

Cath You shouldnt have to learn to detach from sex with your own husband, you should be getting as much pleasure out of it as him. And why pay him off, what does he actually do to deserve it, and you shouldnt have to have sex with him to get him to be nice to his children, he should be because hes their father, your marriage is getting more ridiculous as this thread goes on.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 14:27:18

This is gonna sound uber harsh and im sorry if it offends, but your acting in the way a prostitute would, detached from sex, giving him sex to get things from him, gotta please him and hope hes nice, its just ridiculous. I dont wanna offend you but thats what its getting like now.

Please don't listen to your husband's "opinion" of what yoir children would think of you if you left him.

Not only does he evidently not know his own children very well at all, but he's using this as yet another tool to manipulate you and scare you into compliance.

I was a child in a family just like yours. It was very damaging.

Given the choice between wearing hand-me-downs and being subjected to a cold father & witnessing the abuse (which did extend to the children post-puberty), I'd have happily chosen the former. No contest.

Even with a potentially "messy" divorce, you'd still be setting an end point to this whole abuse.

I hope that your children are better soon, and that you get some time to yourself next week to have a good think through this all, and hopefully set some wheels in motion.

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 14:34:29

Cath you do what you have to in order to get by, from the sex to the complicity with his behaviour. Respect to you for maintaining your sanity through all this.

BUT somewhere down the line this will bite you back. It's like sweeping the dirt under the carpet. Soon it's not a carpet, it's a bloody mountain. And the longer it goes on, the worse the consequences for you will be.
I really hope you get your business up and running. My feeling is your DH will hate it and use every opportunity to belittle you when any little mishap occurs. sad

Gosh your life is the polar opposite to mine (sort of). My DH takes time off every time the DDs are ill because he does flexible working hours. I am a teacher so I can't drop either of my DC's off at school or nursery so he does that. He also picks them up from kids club/nursery if my parents aren't doing it.
I bath the kids, he puts them to bed, I make tea, he washes up. I put the washing on, he puts it away.
If I have tons of work (often three hours an evening) he does bath, bed and tea, and washing up. We earn the same.

I am not saying my life is perfect, and I appreciate that lots of men are not like this but I wouldn't have married someone who wouldn't have mucked in.

I am so astonished with what you put up with, really truly, I am so surprised at how your husband treats you. shock What a nasty spoilt bastard.
I wish I could actually shake you. He is a foul mysogynist and your children will have no relationship with him. Poor them.

What are you putting up with his behaviour? Sort your business out and then tell him to fuck the FUCK off and get some self respect.

Ps I don't want to sound rude, I feel very sad for you.

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 14:38:37

cath how is your relationship with his family?

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 11-Jan-13 14:40:53

Learning to detach from sex is de-humanising. No-one should ever have to do this. You do have alternatives Cath. You do have a choice.
Please believe what everyone on here is telling you.
I don't know whether this man is hitting you or being violent in other ways, you haven't said, but I wouldn't be surprised.
There is help out there. Ask for it. There is help on here. Ask for it-you will be amazed at how much people want to help you.

LibraryMum8 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:45:32

YANBU! Our school just called a snow day, we are in Utah for cristsakes! Ds was also sick before his 3 weeks off, and I had the pleasure of getting it for Christmas Day. They were back to school Monday, and now snow day. This was my one day off from work and I adore ds but Yes go back to school already!!

LoopsInHoops Fri 11-Jan-13 14:47:06

LibraryMum you might want to read the rest of the thread. smile

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 14:52:52

No he has never been violent to me. I don't think he would but I know he's noticed that his words don't wound me anymore. He used to be able to rip me to pieces with a few comments. Now I just wait till he stops and say "are you finished now? Anything else to say?". Inside I'm crying but I don't show it.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 14:56:20

Nice response cath

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 14:57:04

There are not enough shock icons on here sad

Oh man this is getting worse and worse. Is it helping you to get it down? Do you feel more like you need to leave? Wondering if anyone is near you and can give you some rl support?

I meant writing it all down when I said get it down.

cathkidstonbag Fri 11-Jan-13 15:03:57

It's helping me but probably depressing everyone else. Sorry about that.

I think I've had it rattling around in my head for a month (and it was possibly the worst Xmas we have ever had) and can't speak to any RL friends as either he is home or ill DC are, so nobody can come round and see me.

catsmother Fri 11-Jan-13 15:07:37

Cath .... have got to run in a mo' but just wanted to say I agree with the general concensus here. Feel so sad and so very angry for you being treated like this. Appalling and inhumane.

Kids get ill - fact. But they don't do it deliberately or in the hope of causing you extra work, stifling you or making your life more difficult than it needs to be. Your H on the other hand does all of that deliberately which I'm afraid makes him a spiteful, twisted cunt (apologies if that word offends you). And much more too of course because he's messing up your kids as well.

The whole money deprivation thing over the CB is exactly what I've been worried about ever since the govt revealed their plans for higher earners. A high earner is no guarantee that the woman in the relationship will be "allowed" the money she and the children need which is yet another reason why I feel very strongly about the changes, apart from the various factors which are unfair. FACT is this policy is placing more stress upon women in absuive relationships. Of course if you were no longer with him then you could receive it again (without rows and criticism).

So so sorry - please call WA again if only to talk to people who can't discuss all the options open to you.

fosterdream Fri 11-Jan-13 15:48:45

Haven't read the whole thread but wow what a twat! How can you let you're daughters see this abuse?

You have no money because it's his! When you do you're supermarket or buying the DC clothes shop get cash back open an account that sends no statements and stash it away and make it very clear you want no statements been send not even once a year! Also hide the bank card in the a DVD case.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 11-Jan-13 15:53:34

OMG, what a fucking horrible reason to have sex.

When I WOHM I looked forward to getting home so I could hug my DCs, bath them, read them stories and put them to bed, because I'd missed them. Isn't that what normal parents do? You know, the ones who actually love their own children?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 11-Jan-13 15:55:12

Cath Its just sad to hear of a strong, dignified, intelligent woman being treated like shit, he certainly doesnt think of you as any of that, but we can all gather that your a damn fine mum and person, whos confidence is being slowly chipped away at, he doesnt deserve someone of your loyalty, if he appreciated the things you do for him, it'd be a different matter, but he doesnt, he just snides at all the good things you have going about you, you are lovely, he is a giant wart covered dick.

Cath I just wanted to come on and say that I am so sorry you are living this. You are working so hard, doing so much, having sex to make him 'nicer'. And you don't even have any money to call your own.

If the business takes off, will you leave him? If so, do whatever you can to get that off the ground. Don't let him sabotage. He will try because he knows if you were financially independent you would LTB. Don't let him. Get all your ducks in a row, get advice from legal sources, benefits and Woman's Aid. Good luck and I hope the wind is in your sails.

ihearsounds Fri 11-Jan-13 17:32:07

omg I have just continued reading from the morning.

Cath. This 'man' is a bully. He threatens you with what he would do, knowing that over the years he has worn you down with his words, to know you will cave. It really, really doesnt have to be like this. He can threaten and intimidate as much as he wants, but once he's gone he will not be able to do any of those things because you will be legally protected.

You say that you wont have enough money to live on with him gone. You will have more than you are getting at the moment - child benefit (he stopped this for more control btw), ctc, jsa and once you start on the business wtc.

Please tell him to go. Pack his bags and tell him actually option 3. I am taking control back of my own life. Then contact job centre, tax credits and child benefit and get a claim going. followed by seeing a solicitor. As an out of work single mum you should get this free. Do not communicate with him, do it through the solicitor, so he cannot intimidate you.. If he comes to the house, tell him to leave. if he wont call the police, well within your right.. if needs be, get a restraining order.

You really dont have to live with this person. You and your children deserve much more than to be disrespected and treated like shit. Yes it will be hard at times, but even those hard times will be a lot better than your current good days.

I am very sorry to say this, but being in a dv relationship isnt just about violence, its also pyschological. You say that your children are not affected by any of this, but they will be. They are very perseptive of these things, far more than we give them credit for. The older ones will talk to their mates and school and they will realise things are different. If they go to matrs houses, they will realise things are different.

He doesnt want you talking to divorced friends because he knows on some level that he is wrong. This is another form of control, because he fears that they will tell you your rights which are plentiful.

And as for those telling Cath to change herr cooking habits.. Aree you for real. Have you even bothered to read this thread, or like her hubby are you also stuck in the stone ages?

5madthings Fri 11-Jan-13 17:44:54

Op just caught up. I know you feel you can't leave or it will be worse but honestly you cannot continue to bring your children up in this environment.

Do you want your daughters growing up thinking this is normal? I don't know if you have a son? But would you want a boy growing up and having this man as his role model?

You said yourself your family was dysfunctional, you are repeating the pattern, do you want your children to end up repeating this pattern?

You can stop this op. Please contact women's aid, see a solicitor and listen to talk the advice and support on here. You are worth more than this xxx

CheerfulYank Fri 11-Jan-13 17:48:03

Get out, honey.

I'm a SAHM too, and I also feel it's my job to do most of the cooking and cleaning, but if I don't manage dinner (which I don't, some days) DH makes himself eggs or soup or whatever without a word about it.

He takes DS to tae kwon do twice a week and handles bedtime. We trade off weekends to make sure we both get a good lie in and nights out with friends every now and then. All of our money is in a joint account.

During the week I do all cleaning, laundry, etc, but on the weekends he does half or more if I am out.

Cath you really don't have to live like this. Do you have any good RL friends to speak to? Could they help?

Euphemia Fri 11-Jan-13 18:23:59

Bloody hell, I've just caught up on this thread since posting this morning and I'm really shocked by what I've read.

You are a victim of financial abuse. This is totally unacceptable, and you do not have to live like this.

I agree with those above saying get a solicitor. Don't let DH bully you or browbeat you any more.

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 11-Jan-13 18:24:59

Lets hear it for Option 3!
You can do it Cath, you really really can.
I dont think you will be able to start your business while you are living with this man.
You need a clean slate.

GreatUncleEddie Fri 11-Jan-13 18:25:57

He is a bully and when I was working I represented many women in your situation. If you can, get yourself a part time job before you begin divorce proceeding, and check your entitlement to tax credits on the assumption that you live separately (you can do this online). It will be much easier if you have an income in your own right, and you have already waited a fair while so I'm sure you can wait until you are in a better position to bring things to an end.

JustFabulous Fri 11-Jan-13 18:28:52

You would not be a quitter or a failure to your children if you left. You would be a fucking hero.

My blood went cold when I read about your Option 1 and 2. Bloody hell this man is evil. How you canm bring yourself to even look at him I don't know. He can threaten all that stuff but he can't do it. There are laws to protect children in this country and I am too mad to say any more now.

Get out just get out.

tinierclanger Fri 11-Jan-13 18:50:48

What a horrid man.

If it helps, I grew up with hand me downs and free school meals a lot of the time. It really wasn't that big a deal and I'd far rather have grown up that way than in a household like you describe. At least I learned from mum that you don't have to depend on a man for finance.

I hope you can get some help to get rid of him and be happy.

I've been worrying about this. Your H knows you want to leave. He knows you don't want to have sex with him. He threatens you to make you stay. He still has sex with you. What does that make him? What kind of man is he?

Please find a way out.

What a bastard.

Sad for you sad

Assassino Fri 11-Jan-13 19:19:43

Reading this thread has been so awful that I actually registered just to comment (my DH showed it to me, he was equally horrified).

I'm a health professional, who deals with families in the community, and if I met you for even ten minutes and caught wind of ANY of this, I would make a referral to social services in an absolute heartbeat for the following reasons (The fact that I cannot because I have none of your details is almost causing me physical pain.):

- serious financial abuse
- controlling behaviour
- emotional abuse and manipulation of children
- sexual abuse - the fact that you now have to disconnect yourself from any sex, that you have no interest in in the first place, shows that your sexual relationship is abusive. The fact that you also feel manipulated into having sex, and unable to have autonomy over your own sex life, is straight, out and out abuse.

I can't repeat this often enough. He is abusing you, in multiple ways, and abusing your children both directly and indirectly through you.

Stop thinking about the immediate future. Let him fight you all the way - he's the one who will lose out in the end. You need to look towards a goal - you NEED to leave him. He is abusive, vile, and deserves to be cold and alone. He certainly does not deserve someone as apparently lovely and capable and dedicated.

You need to kick him out, now. Your children deserve a happy mother and a happy life. YOU deserve to be in charge of your own life. He deserves to be an unfortunate statistic and nothing else.

mathsconundrum Fri 11-Jan-13 19:21:44

OP. Keep talking. I want this to be one of those threads where 3 months down the line your life is unrecognisable from what it was.
Although right now the thought of making big changes is daunting, look into your future when the children have left. Will you be able to enjoy retirement with the man who has been your rock, or will you despise the old git you're still stuck with.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 11-Jan-13 19:38:32

Thank you for joining, assassino.

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 11-Jan-13 20:47:53

Hear hear assasino.
Do keep posting OP. Ask for help-you will find it. There are so many people on this website who can help you-legal advice, benefits advice-anything.
You have access to a whole new life I absolutely promise you.
You are not alone.

Hanikam Fri 11-Jan-13 22:35:12

assassino maybe cathkidstonbag could pm you for some professional advice? There are too many warning signs to ignore.

BeaWheesht Sat 12-Jan-13 00:19:01

I'm sorry I've been busy all day so just caught up and I stick by what I said earlier - this needs to stop - you and your kids deserve so, so much better.

Please forget about money to a certain extent - it really isn't the be all and end all and certainly isn't worth this. If he's really beaten you down so much that you don't value yourself then please value your kids.

He is an abusive and possibly potentially dangerous man and you need to leave him ASAP. IIWY I would arm myself with every scrap of info I needed to get the ball rolling and then I'd just get on with it - make yourself be one step ahead of him. You're worth more than this.

i haven't stopped thinking about you since i read your thread yesterday Cath

Hope you are ok today - it must be very hard to read everyone's comments

Please think of what your life could be like without him

Take care and if you are in NI PM me as i would be more than happy to help practically

aufaniae Sat 12-Jan-13 10:37:06

cathkidstonbag once the DCs are better, will you be able to see RL friends who you can talk about this kind of thing?

Hanikam Sat 12-Jan-13 10:45:05

cathkidston where are you? Is your DH monitoring your computer activity too? Worried about you

milf90 Sat 12-Jan-13 19:10:00

Are you ok op?

I'm worried. Cath please come back and update.

MumVsKids Sun 13-Jan-13 06:07:58

Are you ok op?

cathkidstonbag Sun 13-Jan-13 08:05:24

I'm sorry I haven't been back. Not easy to do so at weekends! Did manage to escape the house yesterday for a few hours. The restorative properties of being out and a latte did wonders. A month in the house was really too much!!

I have had a few lightbulb moments and need Monday morning to roll around so I can process them. I can't begin to thank you all enough, I was so low and feeling unable to cope and I'm calmer now. I don't know quite how to sort this all out, I know I need to be a grown up and do it all myself but I wish I had somebody I could depend on. It's so hard to change things but I know I have to.

Yesterday I listened to my DC arguing and bickering. Kids do that I know. But the way they speak to each other with no respect? They've learned that. I've prided myself on being a good mum for years, that by sacrificing me their lives will be better. I really didn't think that through did I? Very sad to realise its my fault.

It won't be easy, DH spoils them materially (not the youngest though). He buys their love. I won't be able to offer them that. I hope I can offer them enough that they will choose me.

Thanks.

Chooster Sun 13-Jan-13 09:08:28

Oh my goodness it is not your fault in the slightest. You have been doing everything you thought was right in the face of someone who has been so nasty. Its a wonder you are so together. And you never know the decsions in the past may well have been the right ones, but now yoi see negative aspects of that decesion so now realising you need to change things.

Sounds like you are being caring and responsible. Your kids are lucky to have you.

As for material stuff, its nice when they get the things but even at a young age I think they realise its all a bit hollow. Tenderness and kindness and real parental love is what matters... they'll realise that.

cathkidstonbag Sun 13-Jan-13 09:13:23

As a teenager I think mum being nice to you isn't as important as dad buying you a top of the range mac book (her treat with his bonus last year). I know if I had had 2 parents at that age I would have gone for the gifts!!

And having looked through the finances it appears we have a house full of stuff and no money. Forget enough to buy 2 houses, we can't afford the one we have. I wonder when he was going to tell me that???

so glad you are ok - kept checking to see if you had updated

roll on monday smile hope all the children are well and able to get back to school.

KhallDrogo Sun 13-Jan-13 10:25:15

cath I stayed with my emotionally abusive x too long, 'for the sake of the kids'. I felt like my happiness was a small trade off for keeping their family together. It's not just your happiness though, its your self-respect. And without that, you are nothing.

It was MN, that made me realise you have to leave for the kids, not stay!

The thing that did it for me, was the thought of my dds in a marriage like mine...you are their role model, giving them a blue print for future relationships

I'm 6 months out. We are skint. Everyone is happier

Your dc might like the gifts for a few years, but I bet they are savvy kids. They will see him for what he is. Especially the one he doesn't like. She won't thank you for staying with him

Good luck

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 13-Jan-13 11:16:28

It's not your fault. You are not the one who is abusive. Even if your kids chose him, it wouldn't last long. Do you really think he would look after them and care about them the way you do? You won't lose your kids.
And you don't need to buy 2 houses. You will get benefits help when you move out, and when the divorce goes through you will get half the value of the house you have now.
PLEASE contact womens aid and solicitor for advice on Monday. Just do those two things.
Every journey begins with one step.
You have an army of support here. Keep posting, or PM people-or both!

FelicityWasSanta Sun 13-Jan-13 11:24:51

I know very little about anything OP, but I do know that in the long term love is massively more important than stuff.

In the years to come your DC are going to ask you why you stayed, what will you say?

PessaryPam Sun 13-Jan-13 12:14:41

I would have stayed with my Mum rather than my Dad even though he was always the more generous with money. So don't assume they will be bought off that easily. Kids understand time spent with them and day to day care.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 13-Jan-13 14:45:14

I'm pleased that you are at least starting to think things through and work out how to do this. You don't need to be able to afford two houses. He only needs a flat somewhere - he's not going to have the kids there. Forget all his 'threats' and crap - we have a social welfare system that will help you and once you are free of him you will be able to work on your business or whatever you want to do. You can see the damage he's doing to your kids, if only you could look from the outside and see the damage he'd done to you sad

Be strong & determined - for your sake and your childrens sake, you can do this.

JustFabulous Sun 13-Jan-13 15:07:26

Cath, I don't know if you have seen GettingBigger's thread but I started reading yours where I had left off and I thought I was reading her thread and hers is very very bad.

You seem to be aware though and I hope you are able to get out of this abusive household.

BTW Your children should not be put in a position where they have to choose which parent they live with.

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 Sun 13-Jan-13 19:47:32

Cath - is there anything you can sell on ebay or something to get some cash together? We too have a house full of stuff and hardly any cash but lately I've been 'simplifying' and trying to get rid of the things we don't use or don't need. ANything he wouldn't notice going?

I think your children would choose you anyway (you actually parent them rather than ignoring them!)- but I'm sure they have to be 12 or 14 to actually have a say in where they live.

Hello cath I am so pleased you have moved away from thinking about putting up withit, and are now seeing that you have options. You mentioned at the start that you have some really good friends, anyone who you can confide in at all?

Is there anyone who might help you in rl to help you'd save money? Look after the DDs while you,go and investigate your options? Please pm me if you like! smile you sound much stronger by the way.

Hanikam Mon 14-Jan-13 12:59:52

Thank goodness you are ok cath.
Hope your kids are better and back at school. Is there anyone who could help you out in RL while you decide what to do?
Even chatting to someone at the CAB could give you a few pointers in terms of your rights.

dayshiftdoris Mon 14-Jan-13 20:35:16

Can I turn this around for you a little bit perhaps...

Am I reading it right that basically he will leave you with nothing should you leave - that is the house and finances are in his name completely?

If they are then in my book that could be excellent news...

(Bear with me)

Forgetting for a moment what you have contributed and are entitled to should you leave him with the children then is it not possible to leave and set up very basically on your own in rented?

2-3 of my friends have divorced and done this - basically walked away from the family home leaving their DH to have the house for themselves... what I have noticed is that it makes them much much less vulnerable than had they had stayed in the family home.
As they have gone through the divorces the finances have been sorted but for that period when they left they did not rely on their ex for anything.

Only one of them was not working - though she is a carer for her disabled child.

You will not have the lifestyle you had, you will have to skimp and save BUT you are now... it just feels scary because you dont have someone to potentially bail you if needs be... though realistically would he if there was a problem even how things are?

I have been a single mum for all the time I have been a mum. I have a mortgage and until recently I worked.
I am now SAHM as I inheritted some money - this has put me over the threshold for benefits but I still get child benefit, carers allowance, child tax credit and about £30 a week CSA - I haven't yet gone into my savings though I am close to that point after 4 months... My reckoning is about £100-200 a month shortfall - if I qualified for council tax benefit or housing benefit then I reckon I would easy be able to live & still run a car...

Yes my son lives in hand-me-downs but he had an ipad recently through saving and selling old toys on ebay. I sell everything once out of use. I shop around for deals on utilitys, use TopCashBack and save like mad for stuff. We dont have many holidays and I get them as cheap as possible. My biggest out-lay are my son's activities but I pay for those out of his DLA and are crucial to our sanity.
Oh and I have NO credit... nothing - not even a store card.

It is do-able - www.turn2us.org.uk is the best benefit checker online but I think other posters are right - you need to see the CAB or welfare rights just for that face2face reassurance.

As for the dog - sounds like you over-compensated as much as you could... I walk my dog on the school run - take her in the car and then take her a son for a run round the field smile - everyone happy!

Good luck x

dayshiftdoris Mon 14-Jan-13 20:42:01

I meant to say too that a couple of them were loaned money from family to pay deposits but one of them I think qualified for some loan... another squirrelled money away for months away from her hubby...

It was the start up that was the trickiest but there are ways round it - defo CAB x

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 14-Jan-13 20:58:03

I agree with Dayshiftdoris. You are best off jumping ship. Stay in the house, and he can come back, even if he leaves initially. You need a fresh start. Money isn't everything.

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