To not want DP to help them decorate ?

(124 Posts)
Lonelybunny Wed 09-Jan-13 21:22:10

We recently moved into a big house with 2 kids and a 6 week old baby. I suffered pnd because of the move . It was so stressful we has no help and did it all on our own . We have just after 5 months finished decorating and start enjoying the house. Now DP's ne

Lonelybunny Wed 09-Jan-13 21:25:00

Sorry posted to quick ! DP's nephew is asking for tips on decorating their new flat. DP wants to go help Saturday, it's a 2 hour train journey there as back and I know he will be gone all day and probably every weekend . Y should he help them when we got no help. Plus y do I have to struggle alone with the kids all weekend. I'm so lonely as it is being on maternity leave. We just had a massive argent about it nowsad he won't listen to me he says he can do what he wants bla bla. But I hair want to enjoy not decorating and stress anymore sad

Lonelybunny Wed 09-Jan-13 21:27:23

Plus whenever his family ring he goes running! He expected me to scrape wallpaper off with a 2 month old y he was at work but he wouldn't see his family members struggle to do anything! He will just go help on his own accord ! I'm seriously trying not to blow my top! Am I being stupid and should I just ignore and let him get on with it?

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 21:36:47

YABU and selfish

Lonelybunny Wed 09-Jan-13 21:38:43

Ok thanks I will bottle it up. Just get so darn lonely sad

TeaBrick Wed 09-Jan-13 21:39:43

YANBU, if it's just one day, then let him do it, but if he's going to be away every weekend, I don't blame you for being pissed off. He should be spending time with his family. His nephew is being selfish expecting him to help, especially with a 2 hour journey.

BelleoftheFall Wed 09-Jan-13 21:41:06

YANBU imo. I wouldn't be happy with this in your situation, especially so soon after birth and struggling with PND. If it's likely that he'll be going off every weekend and leaving you to do everything with the children then that is immensely selfish. He needs to realise that him "doing what he wants" leaves you doing everything in terms of childcare. Not on.

You shouldn't have to struggle alone with the children.

It's time to discuss his role as a parent. Pledging his time to anyone, even family members is unacceptable, given the age of your children.

Virgil Wed 09-Jan-13 21:41:14

YANBU it sounds like you need support and I can see why you'd be annoyed.

deleted203 Wed 09-Jan-13 21:41:50

YANBU. Or selfish. Nephew only asked for tips, so he could have given them over the phone. I'd be peed off at being left alone with the kids whilst he was helping someone else out. least he's finished your decorating.

My DH drives me mad as I have a list of jobs as long as my arm I really NEED him to do ( shower for 18 months as it's leaking. It would take him about half an hour to sort). I get told, 'Aye, I'll do them at the weekend - then someone else (often MY mother) will ask him to do something and he's straight over to theirs to do the job. He'll do anything for anyone else - except me! (Although I love him really, and I know he's short of time. He just finds it impossible to say to no to other people).

tunnocksteacake Wed 09-Jan-13 21:41:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleoftheFall Wed 09-Jan-13 21:42:00

What does he think about the fact that you'll have to do everything with two children while he is off decorating? Does he think it's easy? Is he at all aware of how hard it is?

Lonelybunny Wed 09-Jan-13 21:42:01

He will not see that tho as yes he is selfish sad

MammaTJ Wed 09-Jan-13 21:42:05

YANBU and you are certainly not being selfish!!

Three children and he expects to be able to swan off and leave you to it. It would be a different story if the help was returned but it is not.

Sirzy Wed 09-Jan-13 21:42:09

He isn't being unreasonable for wanting to help a family member out. However, he should listen to how you are feeling and you need to come to a compromise together.

Endofmyfeather Wed 09-Jan-13 21:42:11

I don't think YAB that U to be honest. With families you always have to assess whose need is greatest in these situations and having been on your own with the kids all week and suffering PND I think you could really do with having DH there at the weekend for some support. Can you try to calmly tell him how you feel/what it's like for you when he's not home?

Chunkymumma Wed 09-Jan-13 21:42:45

No YANBU! I understand that loneliness on maternity leave, I felt very isolated too. I looked forward to weekends for the company and help with baby stuff.
If its just 1 day maybe fair enough if you've got some plans, or a visit from a friend arranged, but more often than that is taking the piss x

hermioneweasley Wed 09-Jan-13 21:42:55

If it was a one off I'd support him, but it's not realistic to do it regularly.

It sounds like there are bigger issues with his family than this one incident/request?

TeaBrick Wed 09-Jan-13 21:43:22

Maybe you should offer to help and piss off for the weekend leaving him with the kids. I wonder how he'd feel about that?

itsmineitsmine Wed 09-Jan-13 21:44:40


Tell hi m he can have the kids and you will go and help with the decorsting!

Goldmandra Wed 09-Jan-13 21:45:04


Tell him he needs to take the two older children with him. Then you can at least go and visit your own family/friends with less stress.

If he doesn't like that idea ask him to suggest a compromise. They are his children too so he can't just assume you will look after them every weekend while he runs around after others.

Anomaly Wed 09-Jan-13 21:46:17

YANBU I would be fuming. It's nice how he gets to just decide what he'll do at the weekend without worrying about the kids isn't it?

itsmineitsmine Wed 09-Jan-13 21:46:39

Nolittle your post was really rude. The op is suffering with depression as it is, why the need to be so abrupt?

(Because she asked, because this is aibu snipe snipe snipe)

itsmineitsmine Wed 09-Jan-13 21:47:51

They are his children too so he can't just assume you will look after them every weekend while he runs around after others.


BelleoftheFall Wed 09-Jan-13 21:49:44

I agree itsmine. I find the idea that someone who's recently had a baby and has two other children is selfish because they don't want the father buggering off at the weekend and leaving her to do it all hilarious. The OP must be worn to the bloody bone fgs.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 21:50:06

Go out and do something or invite friends round then. Or speak on the phone, don't make OH a prisoner of your issues too. I have had severe depression and am on AD's now, before you say I don't what I'm talking about. If you get others to capitulate to your problems. it will be too easy and you'll never want/need to recover

Yamyoid Wed 09-Jan-13 21:57:21


I'd like to say how impressed I am that you scraped wallpaper/decorated with a 2 month old. Don't tell my DH!

Do you go to any baby groups? Just wondered because you said you're lonely.

runningforthebusinheels Wed 09-Jan-13 21:59:19

YANBU. I think he is being incredibly thoughtless to leave you with 2 dc and a 6week old when you have PND.

TeaBrick Wed 09-Jan-13 21:59:35

Nolittle, are you the op's dp's nephew by any chance?

itsmineitsmine Wed 09-Jan-13 21:59:41

No little, ive never had pnd and i wouldnt have been happy with my dh doing this.

Me not agreeing to it would not be 'my problem'. What a strange attiitude you have.

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:04:58

No Teabrick, I'm not and I stand by my post.

Hydrophilic Wed 09-Jan-13 22:05:41

YANBU. Buy nephew a decorating book and tell him it's a late Christmas present. You need support from your DP right now and you aren't getting it.

How are you feeling now? It is a long road to recovery. My counsellor always told me "If you were ill you would allow yourself to rest and get better, so why are you trying to still keep juggling everything you did before?".

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere Wed 09-Jan-13 22:07:46

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Startail Wed 09-Jan-13 22:08:44

I assume he's working during the week and this should be your time for help and company.

Tell him from me to jolly well stay home and look after his own family.

Yes, I know it's far more fun, buggering off, offering wise advice and feeling all smug about being helpful.

Your nephew will manage, your wife will manage because she has to, but she shouldn't have to.

Please get your priorities right Mr lonelybunny

ifancyashandy Wed 09-Jan-13 22:10:00

Do as you would be done by. In other words, you wanted help so give help to others. It's one weekend (others TBC).

itsmineitsmine Wed 09-Jan-13 22:10:44

I think the responses on this thread prove who is the one with strange ideas, nolittle.

DeafLeopard Wed 09-Jan-13 22:10:47

What MamaTJ said

McNewPants2013 Wed 09-Jan-13 22:12:44

DP should be home doing his fair share on the weekend, and not swanning of leaving the person who he loves struggling with 3 children and depression.

Startail Wed 09-Jan-13 22:14:27

He's not helping because they need help, he's helping because being useful in a situation he can control suits him far better than helping with small children.

Small children are tiring, stressful, boring and cannot be organised in the way adult company can.

I would have given anything for two hours on a train.when DD1 was a toddler.

Did you mean to be so rude NoLittle? Yanbu OP. I'm all for doing a favour but not to the detriment of my family .

Hydrophilic Wed 09-Jan-13 22:18:25

And I disagree with Nolittle. You need help from your DP at weekends. You're not holding him prisoner, if you were physically ill you would expect him to help with childcare and helping in the house.

With all due respect, Nolittle, it is not just a case of getting out of the house here.

CSIJanner Wed 09-Jan-13 22:19:48

I'm all for helping family, but there's a time and a place. Also, if family means that much then they should have rallied round when your own family needed it. I can see why your DH wants to help his family but he is BU. Has the nephew specifically asked for help with decorating? Maybe you can ask him to ram a melon in his mouth sideways, be sleep deprived to the point he aches from tiredness and then start to scrap the wallpaper whilst dealing with someone who needs his attention every 90minutes? Maybe then he can appreciate what you had to do without the added burden of PND wink

CSIJanner Wed 09-Jan-13 22:23:15

Ignore that last wink - PND does not merit a wink. It's blooming awful and took me over a year to get over. But I still think you should get him to try to think from being in your shoes.

Does DH help with nighttimes or very much at the weekend? Do you think he might see this as being some timeout for him? You could tell him that my DH sees his work as being timeout, which means he gets to be playful daddy when he gets home

Startail Wed 09-Jan-13 22:27:05

And yes I do have a DH who tries this trick.

Fortunately, he knows he does it. Being helpful is how he feels comfortable in social situations. He's forever fixing things at other peoples houses.

We nearly came to blows over my parents door long before we had DDs.

Much as he'd liked to escape small children he did realise it wasn't fair.

Also his DDs soon got big enough to make his duties very clear x

3smellysocks Wed 09-Jan-13 23:26:38

You clearly need some support, some time with DH and a break form the kids.

Agree he has to take the eldest two with him if he goes.

3smellysocks Wed 09-Jan-13 23:28:54

Also your baby is only 6 weeks. DH should be totally enabling you to rest/sleep/have down time. By swanning off, he will be free of any responsibility and you will get no respite.

meboo Wed 09-Jan-13 23:30:05

I wonder if he just wants to escape from you. I am not being rude, but I had PND and my DH just couldn't cope, he did not know or understand how to deal with me and quite frankly he didn't want to come home from work and at weekends he would go off fishing. Everything did come to a head and we had to sit and talk LOADS to understand each other and come up with a plan of supporting each other.
I hope you sort it out.

TheBOF Wed 09-Jan-13 23:31:24

YANBU at all.

3smellysocks Wed 09-Jan-13 23:35:47

In your shoes I'd email the nephew (copying in DH) and just kindly say 'sorry it's too tricky for DH to help out in person with decorating at the moment as he has a 6 week old baby and so is needed to look after his older two children and support OP at weekends. Dh is very keen to help but it will need to be over the phone for the next 6 months.

holidaysarenice Thu 10-Jan-13 02:42:46

Ring the nephew, saw how nice of dp to help and I hope you don't mind I'm sending the dc (or the older ones)as well as they haven't seen their df much recently and its wayyyy to much to be expected to manage again with all 3!!!!

He will soon not want ur dh

SantasENormaSnob Thu 10-Jan-13 02:48:51


Why are you automatically the default childcare provider?

myfirstkitchen Thu 10-Jan-13 03:05:49


And ignore nolittle, I've not been here long and already seen it admit on another thread they enjoy winding people up on here for fun. Tragic.

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 07:44:47

No that's the thing the nephew asked for advise /help on what paint etc and DP just wants to go over making it look like he is clever in his decorating skills ! And they have no kids they are just a couple. Tbh I know it sounds silly but I'd rather the older two here as it is company for me and gives me a reason to get out . I don't have many friends really and they are usually busy with their own families , I also don't have much money so can't really go out shopping or anything I'm just stuck in all day everyday , that's y I love it when DP is here at the weekend as we go out together. It's my means if escape otherwise it will be like every other day stuck indoors or a depressing walk to the park as its free then home .

crashdoll Thu 10-Jan-13 07:49:31

YANBU and ignore the first poster. You are not selfish, he is the one being selfish. You need the support especially as you have PND and he is their parent too! Ask him how he'd like it if did the same and just assumed he'd look after your children without asking?

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 07:50:06

And they never help/come to see us it's always a case of DP paying £15 for a travel card it's a joke really but I can't win as he is stubborn but I just needed to vent and make sure I wasn't making a mountain out of a mole hill

diddl Thu 10-Jan-13 07:54:23

I wouldn´t not help just because they didn´t help.

I wouldn´t help because it´s 2hrs away, would leave one person with three ckildren at the weekend & they haven´t actually asked for help.

Husband sounds very selfish tbh.

Can´t believe that he would rather be painting than with his wife & young family.

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 08:27:47

Think he does it to show off his DIY skills. But I would think after all the stress we have had here he would want to have a break from it for a while .

valiumredhead Thu 10-Jan-13 08:32:38


Dh needs reminding that his wife is poorly and needs a bit more support and help atm and his family comes first just at the moment.

valiumredhead Thu 10-Jan-13 08:33:20

And it's not like he can just pop down the road is it - 2 hour train journey?!!

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 08:34:58

Oh yes he will be gone from say 10 am till 10 pm it's al day as he doesn't rush himself ! He will no doubt pop round to see his sister too for some dinner and watch tv before he comes home !

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 10-Jan-13 08:38:18

If you know he is like this, why the hell have you had 3 children with him and bought a house? That is a genuine question, because clearly this particular situation is not out of the blue.

Also - if you have money to go out when he is with you, why don't you have money to go out alone?

valiumredhead Thu 10-Jan-13 08:39:35

Is is escapism, so he doesn't have to deal with family life? I have just remembered dh offering to help a mate out on Sundays on his market stall 'because it will be fun.'

Right, so I would be stuck at home with the baby and severe PND?

We had a huge row and in the end he cancelled but looking back yeas later I think it was just a clumsy attempt at him trying to get things back to normal.

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 08:43:40

He is fantastic when he is here and he works really hard and we get on so well , and it's really not often he goes out , he doesn't drink he doesn't drive either , so I don't want to have a right go cause he never goes out but I just find it strange to want to help ppl who hardly even talk to us ? And I do get really lonely , he buys the shopping etc I could ask him to leave me some cash but I hate asking for money :-/ I do have a little money like £20 till next week but will probs need that for petrol sad

NumericalMum Thu 10-Jan-13 08:48:16

Sorry but alibaba has a real point. This is your third DC. The first two must've given signs? My DH was a bit useless and I nearly went mad so we have only one child. He admits this now and I am 100% sure he would muck in so much more if we had more DC!

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 08:52:38

He does muck in when he is here , he will cook and tidy up etc but it's the isolation when I'm all on my own its horrid I hate it. And just don't know y he wants to help decorate when we just finished this massive place !?

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 08:54:39

And I hate the way it's now Thursday and he can just say I'm going to so and so Saturday , there's no "do you mind, or did we need shopping" all he says is "it's my choice " well yes I know but I did need to get a few bits etc but stuff it I will have to let him go cause he will go any way and I don't want to fight over it ,

Goldmandra Thu 10-Jan-13 09:03:57

If you don't want to be left alone with the baby (completely understandable) the perhaps you could all go with him. It will be a day out for all of you. You can chat to them all while they work or perhaps spend time with DP's nephew's wife.

If your DP finds that going to help others always becomes a whole family activity he might start to find it easier to stay at home smile

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 09:08:39

That's a good idea goldmandra perhaps it will put him off ha ha

PessaryPam Thu 10-Jan-13 09:12:05

I don't think you are being selfish at all. Your DH needs to sort his priorities out. Unless the Nephew helped decorate your house that is in which case there is a debt to be paid.

melika Thu 10-Jan-13 09:21:02

YANBU I don't blame you for feeling this way at all. I have had similiar things happen in the past. I'm afraid you need to be assertive with him and tell him your home needs the attention and not so he can go on a jolly with his nephew. They will probably end up drinking in the pub to 'thank him'!

So tell him you would rather he helped you at home.

5madthings Thu 10-Jan-13 09:24:08

Yanbu at all, you need a bit if support at the moment and i am a bit concerned when you say you dont like asking him for money? not have access to joint finances? Why would you have to ask him to leave you some cash?

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 09:26:16

Mmmm...don't flame me people, but I think you are being perhaps a little bit unreasonable OP.

You say he doesn't go out often at all, and is a fantastic partner and dad.

I understand that you don't want to be left alone, but it's one day, and as much as you deserve a break, so does he.
He probably sees this as a bit of a departure from the day to day - a wee social trip all wrapped up in doing something practical as well...and it IS his choice.

Just make sure that YOU get a break as well, that's all! So long as it's fair, there shouldn't be a problem.

I don't think you really need to make such a fuss about being left for a day.

diddl Thu 10-Jan-13 09:29:34

Well if it´s a "wee social trip"-then OP can go as well if she wants?

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 09:30:55

Of course...has he said she can't?

And forgive me...but I can't help but feel that's getting into not-allowed-to-go-anywhere-on-his-own territory. A bit.

diddl Thu 10-Jan-13 09:31:35

But for me it´s the idea that he can just go because OP will obviously be there to look after the children.

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 09:34:49

Yep. It's the same as when I go and spend the day with my friends, knowing my dh will stay at home with the kids. And?

diddl Thu 10-Jan-13 09:35:13

Well I had the feeling that she wasn´t "invited", but I may be wrong.

And that he is determined to go whatever OP thinks/feels.

I can see why OP is annoyed though when he has turned being asked for tips into a day away.

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 09:36:17

I'm not seeing the crime tbh.

I don't invite my dh or kids along on my occasional days out either.

diddl Thu 10-Jan-13 09:36:18

Because he hasn´t bothered to ask if it´s OK?

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 09:37:46

And if dh made a fuss about being left at home alone with the kids for the duration, I would wonder what was wrong with him.

Everyone deserves a day off from it all.

The OP just needs to make sure she gets one too, that's all.

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 09:37:55

Well I ask him for cash but he doesn't always have cash on him , no we don't have joint but we pay half rent each and he pays most utility's I jus have a couple and I pay for and run my car as its mine , but I don't like to pester and he will say there is food in the freezer but it's more about getting out which is what I need I can't stand sitting here all day in the week let alone Saturday and Sunday aswell it's driving me insane

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 09:38:40

He probably didn't think it would be a problem.
I never do.

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 10-Jan-13 09:38:58

IMO yanbu, im in a similar position- my OH can't say no to people asking for favours drives me mad cause our house never comes first

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 09:39:22

So go out OP - no one is stopping you.

ihearsounds Thu 10-Jan-13 09:43:59

Yanbu. His family weren't there to help when you moved. Anyone with an ounce of common sense and decency would help family move especially with a new born. They are the selfish ones and it's about time you and your dp sat and had a conversation about were his priorities should lie, which is with you and not his extended family.

If he really is adamant that this is what he is going to do, go with him. Why should you all be stuck at home all day, when if you go you can get help from the extended family that aren't doing the decorating.

Cluffyfunt Thu 10-Jan-13 09:43:59

He should be more supportive.

You are doing the right thing trying to get out of the house.

Have you explained why you are unhappy about being left on the weekend?

valiumredhead Thu 10-Jan-13 09:44:20

I imagine the lack of available funds is stopping her somewhat.

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 09:44:43

Thanks pictish I will see if he will mind them on Sunday and get out as long as he doesn't go back on the Sunday to help again as wouldn't put it past him

Cluffyfunt Thu 10-Jan-13 09:45:13


Sometimes it's just not that easy when you have pnd.

valiumredhead Thu 10-Jan-13 09:46:05

It certainly isn't, is it cluffy?

diddl Thu 10-Jan-13 09:48:17

It´s not always about getting out alone though.

Sometimes I just wanted to have time with my husband at the weekend & if you´ve been looking forward to that & then they say that they´re out for a day it can be disappointing.

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 09:50:03

I'm sorry - I know you all disagree with me, and I can see why - but overall I think that this is a storm in a teacup.

I am a sahm to three, and I can't drive. I am also perpetually skint. However, I don't rely on my dh to entertain me, and never have. If, on the odd occasion, he wants to bugger off on his own (like when he goes mountaineering with his friends) I think nothing of it at all.

He works in IT and every now and then he will sod off for hours under the guise of fixing his mate's computer. I don't care. He can do what he likes. As can I.

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 09:50:25

Exactly diddl we were going to look at beds for my daughter and I was just looking forward to gettin out of here then after one phone all it's "oh what you doing Saturday? Brill I come and have a look " andu heart just sank and then I snapped sad

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 09:51:37

Yes...I had PND after having our eldest, so I know something of it.

Cluffyfunt Thu 10-Jan-13 09:51:39

No Valium sad

I remember the days when I got myself and dc ready to go out and I just couldn't manage to leave the house becaus even the smallest tast seemed insurmountable in my fuddled brain.

olgaga Thu 10-Jan-13 09:56:13

When my DD was little I would have gone completely stark raving mad if DH hadn't done his fair share of amusing her at the weekend.

OP, YADNBU. His nephew was "asking for tips" - your DH offered to help without a thought as to how you would have to manage on your own with the children.

Stuff that!

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 10:01:33

I'm glad your in the same situation as me Pictish maternity leave is so financially hard , he does pay for us to do stuff sometimes like cinema swimming but we can't afford it all the time . Just need to make some friends that have a baby the same age but ATM I'm just not in the mood as far as I get is a walk alone with my baby sad but does annoy me that he is willing to give up so much of his time decorating for someone else paying all his train feed etc but that's another story so strange that you can love someone so much and then a stupid thing like this can really make you question it and I don't want to blow if this is something silly and it's my pnd talking rather then me seeing sense ifswim

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 10:03:28

Train fares rather blush

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 10:09:58

I do swym OP.

There are a core group of ladies on this site that genuinely believe that once a man becomes a husband and father, he has no right to make his own decisions. He ceases to be a person in his own right, with his own agenda. Nothing less than total sub,ission to the family is acceptable.

I am not one of those women. I think it's an unhealthy, controlling pov.

You have already said he's fab. He rarely goes out, doesn't drink, and has decorated your entire house already.

He is going because he wants a break, not because they need him. If you let him have this, then given he is such a peach in general, he will do the same for you I'm sure.

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 10:15:24

Yes of course I will let him go I cannot keep him here but it would just be nice if he had checked with first or said he can leave some money so maybe I can take the kids out and see some life. I just hope it won't be a occurring weekend thing but of it is I'm sure he will get fed up with it eventually [sceptical] thank you all in here for your opinions and advise so nice to talk to someone. Actually realised today just how lonely I am I really must kick my arse and get to some groups, just waiting till madam can sit unaided as I hate laying her on those grubby playmats that other lo's have dribbled al over :-/

fosterdream Thu 10-Jan-13 10:18:52

YANBU I wouldn't be happy about that to because they don't see or talk often. They didn't help with you're house, I'm sure if they had more contact and visits you'd have been fine with it.

If I was you I'd go with him (I wouldn't ask just say you're all going) and let them see the DC because they are part of their family (mischievous grin)

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 10:25:27

If it becomes a habit of his, then you might have a problem and you'd be quite right to rail against it.
It seems that this is something of a rarity though, so no harm done.

I think the way you feel about this is symptomatic of being lonely. I remember living in a new place where I didn't know soul when ds1 was a new baby, and suffering from PND which was actually quite debilitating in a sense. I had NO motivation to improve my feelings of solitude. I understand all that, I really do.

However, the fact that you haven't made any local friends yet is not his responsibility. He is not abliged to never go anywhere, and never pursue his own interests and social life because of it. It wouldn't be fair to expect it.

I think if you had someone to hang out with, you wouldn't care about this. I certainly do sympathise with you about that. xxx

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 10:26:33

obliged even....

diddl Thu 10-Jan-13 10:27:01

It´s a difficult thing isn´t it?

My husband worked long hours so weekends was really the only time we could do anything together/as a family.

It was also the only time he or I could do anything alone.

NumericalMum Thu 10-Jan-13 10:28:45

But Pictish surely the difference is that when her DH goes he assumes the OP would be there looking after the kids without checking? If OP just assumed she could go out on Saturday as well who would have the kids?

pictish Thu 10-Jan-13 10:31:33

I'm sure they'd manage to compromise somehow.
Moot point.

Longdistance Thu 10-Jan-13 10:37:09

I'm with you op.

Yanbu at all, especially if you have pnd.

They can bugger off, and your dp can start getting his priorities right. Surely his dn can decorate it himself, or get a friend in like others.

My dh used to do this sort of thing.

Put your foot down op.

olgaga Thu 10-Jan-13 10:37:53

Lonely I do feel for you, your last post brought it all back. I remember yearning to go out but when they're that age everything was such a damn chore. I also had terrible PND and did my back in before leaving hospital after the birth. I would feel exhausted by the time I was ready to leave the house, and utterly dispirited and in agony by the time I got home.

Ho'll pass.

Have you tried the Mumsnet Local for your area? You might be able to link up with someone near you. I did eventually meet someone at a playgroup who drove and would come round with her DD who was the same age as mine. That was nice, just to have a bit of company, coffee and a moan together.

he says he can do what he wants

That's the real problem here. He can, yes - if he wants to be completely selfish and disregard your needs and feelings. Is he always that selfish? Or is he finding life difficult too, and running away from it (because unlike you, he can).

Goldmandra Thu 10-Jan-13 10:59:40

OP you are in a partnership. That means that you share responsibility for the welfare of your children and each other.

If this were a one-off because your DP has been working hard and needs a break that would be fair enough and you should support him.

It isn't though is it? You are the one who has ceased to be a person in her own right and is expected to submit totally to the needs of the family, especially his wider family with whom you have no relationship.

You have said that he makes a habit of dumping you to dash to the aid of his family. He needs to understand the impact this is having on you and his children.

He's made plans for Saturday, and as he clearly cares very much about impressing his family, he won't want to let them down now so asking him to change them won't help. You could, however, tell him that you need him to be at home, either with you or to have the children while you go out, on Sunday.

Remind him what the word partner means.

Cluffyfunt Thu 10-Jan-13 11:04:48

I completely agree with everything olgaga and Goldmandra said.

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 11:48:12

Love the name cluffyfunt grin made me laugh! Yes but I don't see going to help decorate as a break ? Going to visit then yes but decorating is hard work ? Unless that's how he wants to unwind ? I don't really want to go with him a . I don't relish doing the tube with my huge mammoth pram on a Saturday , and b the kids will get bored and c he may try and get me to drive no way ! I hate driving round London it's horrid

zlist Thu 10-Jan-13 12:01:33


I presume his nephew is perfectly fit and healthy and able to manage by himself, with a few tips? It isn't like he is popping across town for 1-2 hours to help out.

Next time he sayss "I'm off out for the day on Sunday, you can't stop me, it's my choice", you say "that's fine. I'm off out for the day on Sunday too, that's my choice. Who have you got lined up to look after the children?"

Pictish, the difference between the OP and her DP, is that he tells her he is going out and assumes she will be looking after his children for him. While she wonders if she will be able to go out, and thinks she will ask him to babysit his own children, but half-expects him to say no. His behaviour is only ok if it is ok for her to behave like that, too.

OP, I really think you should go this Sunday. Not because it will be fun, but to show him that he has to consider other people, and dads have responsibilities too, and what your world is like. You won't have to struggle with the pram, because he can do that, can't he? And the kids needn't get bored, because you can send them in the same room as their dad and give them brushes. The Great Decorator can pass on his skills grin. And then you can always go for a stroll with the baby. Just the baby. And ask him for some money before you pop out - he's not going to say No in front of his family, that would make him look selfish ...

Goldmandra Thu 10-Jan-13 12:54:11

What Bertha said.

It isn't about going for a nice family day out. It's about getting your DP to understand that he has responsibilities.

Decorating in someone else's house is much less taxing than being at home looking after your own children. All he has to do there is rock up, show off his skills while being plied with food and drink, disappear to or relatives when he's had enough and watch a bit of tv then reappear at home when he feels like it. I can completely see the attraction. It's so much less taxing on the brain than a day at home helping out with three small children.

You need to decide if you want to solve the problem or let him go and just have a moan. Having a moan on MN and doing nothing is fine BTW but you'll be spending a lot more weekends on your own. I know it's hard to take positive action when you've got PND but sometimes something that looks like it will be really hard work turns out to be a positive experience which lifts your mood.

If he wants to go and decorate for the weekend, great. He can still be a dad while he's doing it.

TeaBrick Thu 10-Jan-13 13:00:27

So the op and her partner are struggling financially, he is going out to help his family, for which he has to pay train fare, leaving her and their children at home on their own with no money? That is very very wrong sad

valiumredhead Thu 10-Jan-13 13:09:25

it's a 2 hour train journey there as back and I know he will be gone all day and probably every weekend

That's what make him U - all weekend , every weekend until it is done?!

In theory I agree with what you are saying pictish ( Happy NY btw smile) but imo he could go and help out for the Saturday and then Sunday could come back and they could have a family day together.

valiumredhead Thu 10-Jan-13 13:10:08

Plus he doesn't sound that much of a peach if he is not leaving her with money imo!

gymmummy64 Thu 10-Jan-13 13:28:55

I'm confused - how can you be so broke you can't afford to go swimming/cinema yet have just finished decorating your 'massive' house and your OH can go off and help someone else decorate theirs?

It sounds to me as if your weekdays are so lonely and awful that you are just waiting for the weekends when your OH will be there to make things easier, hence the real hit if he's decided not to be. Without commenting on how selfish that makes him, surely one of the keys here is try to improve your weekdays? I appreciate depression makes everything very hard to do, but 5 awful days vs 2 ok days is not a route to being happier or coping better. What support could you get in the week? How old are your older two?

valiumredhead Thu 10-Jan-13 13:33:51

Maybe it's because they have just finished decorating their house that they are skint? Cinema is a fortune with a family these days especially outside London where they seem to do cheaper deals on certain days - thank God for Tesco vouchers wink

valiumredhead Thu 10-Jan-13 13:35:33

OP it is perfectly acceptable to go to a toddler group with a 6 week old baby and not lie them on a skanky blanket - I wouldn't! Sounds like you could do with getting out and meeting some new people.

Viviennemary Thu 10-Jan-13 13:38:23

YANBU. This isn't advice it's doing the job. They should do it themselves or pay a painter and decorator. I'd be absolutely hitting the roof with fury!

5madthings Thu 10-Jan-13 13:48:38

The baby must be 6mths now uf they moved when baby was 6wks and then spent five mths decorating as the op says?

And yes i assume money us tight because they have been doing up the house.

Op does your dh know how down/lonely you are feeling? If he does and he is ignoring that then that is pretty crap imo. Or maybe he doesnt realise? I know when i had pnp after ds4 dp knew i was struggling but it wasnt got really bad and i laid it in the line that he understood.

If this will be a one off then plan something nice for you and kids to do.

Agree baby groups would be good and take your own blanket to lay baby on?

Also have you gor home start in your area? They may be able to help you, they were really good when ds4 was little.

Cluffyfunt Thu 10-Jan-13 13:48:41

I used to take dd1 when she was about 4 weeks and I just bring a couple of little fleecy blankets to lay her on.

I did also bring a pack of detol wipes and nobody seemed to care that I scrubbed gave the toys a wipe over smile

Lonelybunny Thu 10-Jan-13 13:49:37

Well I have done in the past and I thought by struggling ourselves doing it all alone with 3 children and having no help would be an eye opener but obviously not ? However I have told him that I feel it was selfish of them not to help and y in gods name are you going to go help them when we have only just finishes ours! So he knows how I feel on the issue . However I am not going to push it and end up having a gigantic argument on it I've said my views to him he has told me he does what he wants (which he is allowed to do) just a bit miffed. So I have to get in with it but feel better for getting to vent on here smile

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