To not tell holiday-ing DH what's going on at home?(50 Posts)
DH went on holiday yesterday for a week leaving me, DD and dog at home. He's texted a couple of times and I've replied telling him all is great. However this is not true. In the first 24 hours of his absence -
- DD (5) fell down some stone steps. Not badly hurt but gave herself a really big fright.
- The dog has conjunctivitis, just back from the vets and I will need to wrestle with all 29 uncooperative kilos of him to put drops in his eye twice a day.
- I took DD to a play date yesterday and got lost in the dark and fog, ended up driving for miles in the countryside while my car fuel gauge showed "zero miles" left in the the tank. We made it home safely but I was a nervous wreck.
- I have developed a horrible cough / cold so am generally under the weather and irritable. I would much rather be in bed than doing school run / childcare / dog walking etc.
So no big dramas but I think it will feel like a long week. I don't want DH to have his holiday spoilt by knowing about problems at home but I am technically lying to him.
Some context: DH is the hardest working person I know. He is a SAHP and has gone on a much deserved activity holiday that I have no interest in, so there is no (IMO) BU in him going on holiday without me.
yanbu not telling him. why make him feel bad when there is nothing he can do? besides you are managing fine. would you want to know if the show was on the other foot?
YANBU, you aren't lying, everything is great. It's just your perception of things. You are blowing things up in your mind because DH is away. Understandable really, but everything you have mentioned is just run of the mill stuff. I'm sure there's lots of great things you can tell him to.
Go fill your tank up. Fill the kettle up and relax. If you can, get a friend to help you wrestle the dog.
He'll be home before you know it.
YANBU - there is nothing that has happened which is amazing/mind blowing/dreadful, all just part and parcel of real life. I don't suppose it would have any impact on his holiday to know the dog has a dodgy eye!
Dont tell him. These things arent serious enough to warrant him coming home, and there is.nothing that can be done from where he is.
Talk.about it when he gets back.
Dh has been away a fortnight and will still be away another five.nights. He doesnt need to.know that DD has been poorly, off her food with it and has got a bit skinny (she is now getting her appetite back after gettig well and is putting a bit of weight back on), that she has had a few really bad nights teething and that our recycling bin has been stolen so I am.now up to my eyeballs in xmas present packaging that I cant do anything with til our new bin arrives.
Some things dont need to be shared with someone who cant help. It is nice to have someone to offload too tho
Why tell him? What can he do? he will be back next week so its hardly as if things will move on without him knowing. YANBU.
He can't help with any of those things really so not telling him is the generous thing to do. But on the other hand, if it would make you feel better to talk to him about the car incident, or the falling down the steps, I doubt if it would spoil his holiday. They are over now and everything's fine, so it wouldn't make him worry. You had problems and you coped with them. And they would have happened if he hadn't been on holiday, but he could have given you a big hug afterwards.
But it's certainly not unreasonable not to tell him.
Nothing there that isn't every day life - he doesn't need to know about them because he can't do anything to help.
Just tell him you are looking forward to him coming home, and you hope he is having fun.
No, don't tell him those things.
They are all minor stresses that worked out fine in the end.
You're not lying by omitting to tell him about them over the phone while he's away.
And it's not a lie that everything is fine - it is.
That it will feel like a long week for you is something he probably already knows, but he has gone with your blessing, so don't bring it up. It will make him feel bad.
Bad luck OP, how typical when things go to pot as soon as OH is missing the action. But agree with scuzy, no point giving him chapter and verse of what's happened. Hope you get some free time yourself soon.
YANBU. Not telling him is the right thing to do. As a teenager I lied to my holidaying parents that everything was ok when in reality their car had been stolen from the drive. They understood & appreciated that I hadn't told them when they got back. x
You are all right, I am shielded from these daily dramas by my very capable DH and I am blowing it out of proportion a little.
My cold is very bad though <desperately looks for sympathy>. Not much time for relaxing, still working while DH is away during the hours DD is in school
except for a few hours on Mumsnet
You sound lovely.
Don't tell him, keep up that everything is fine so he can enjoy his holiday and I hope that things get better!
Gold you are my hero. Unload here if you like
Well, when your dd goes to bed tonight, you do it too. take a hot water bottle and some.tissues and put your snuggliest jimjams on and get some rest. there there.
Don't tell him
You can come and tell us...
Hope your cold gets better soon.
Haha it is nice to know someone else is going through this too.
I dont have a cold, but I am on the couch with the duvet while dd naps just becaise I can.
In a similar situation in the past, with DH a longhaul flight away, I figured he could do nothing at all to help but didn't want to lie to him. So when I spoke to him I just said 'we've had an interesting day today, I'll tell you all about it when you get back. We're all ok though, but it's been a long day!' and then ask how his holiday is going.
Depends how you think your DH will react really. If I were in your position, I would probably tells DH in a casual "oh guess what happened today" type of way - but then I know DH isn't the 'Oh I must rush home and help out' type of guy!!! And IMO I am far more able to cope with things than he is.
There is nothing that your can do about what has already happened. It would seem a little OTT for him to come back just to help out with the dog - isn't there a friend or neighbour who can do that, if necessary? ANd whilst I sympathise that you are a little under the weather, you don't sound so ill that you cannot muddle through. So, if your DH is a panic/stressy type person then I wouldn't bother to tell him.
You reminded me of when DD was in hospital a few years ago and the child in the next bed had been admitted with worstening asthma. His dad had gone on a skiing holiday abroad with friends and the mum had decided not to tell him that their DS was in hospital, as there was nothing he could do and she didn't want to spoil his trip. Unfortunately, Mum had been due to have a girls night around at her house, and had had to cancel. One of her friends who was due to attend, told her husband - who was also away on the skiing holiday and so the child's dad found out anyway - via a 3rd party!!!!
I just properly snorted when I read your name OP
Oh and YANBU
Aw, look arrange to do something nice on his return. Not straight away as he'll be knackered but perhaps arrange for a babysitter on the following weekend and book a really nice restaurant for just the two of you. You need something to look forward to.
It is horrible when you have to deal with these things alone, but you have and you've coped fine. Your dd is fine. You did find your way and you emerged unscatched. The dog will be ok and once you dose yourself on nurofen and paracetamol you'll feel able to tackle the usual daily activities.
Does anyone else live near you whose kids go to the same school? Just wondering if you can call in a few favours with regards to the school run?
He will fully appreciate you dealing with these problems whilst allowing him a relaxing holiday and he will love you all the more for it. I bet once he finds out he'll be dying to make up for it - so go ahead and book that restaurant!
Last time I went away on work (to other side of the world) the first contact I had with DH and the DCs was a hurried reply to my call, saying "sorry can't talk are are just off to A&E". So you are doing well ;-)
I think its fine, nothing major has happened, just everyday life really. I hope you feel better soon though!
No, don't tell him and man up a little bit.
< said with 'fond' >
Find someone else to offload on though - it sounds like you need a sympathetic ear
I wouldn't think there should be a problem saving it 'til he gets back, since he can't do anything about these things at the moment.
And you ARE fine - stressed and poorly, but essentially fine.
On the plus side, the next time he's ill and "only" has to do the school run/look after the kids, you'll no doubt have a lot more sympathy
bigbluebus he wouldn't rush home but he would worry.
Just had a lemsip and a Danish pastry so feeling a bit better, am also looking at the rather ambitious plans I made for this week and culling it to something more manageable.
<crosses "write a novel" off the list.>
I am wavering between "oh poor me" and "don't be such a baby Unexpected " with the weight coming down on the latter after all the comments on here
i wouldn't tell him about the incidents which afterall all turned out fine, but if you speak ot him again you may as well say 'i've got a bit of a cold but we're all fine apart from that' - he'll probably be able to tell from your voice anyway...
We're only teasing Unexpected. You probably have a fair number of SAHPs on this thread and I at least, am a bit bitter about being let to cope when I've felt awful before.
You sound like you're coping just fine and whittling down the list is a good idea. Why not have a "movie afternoon" and get everyone on the sofa with a blanket?
You have all been lovely, to the point that I am a little disappointed that the AIBU bloodsucking vampires have not turned up
I do have some nice films recorded - Fred and Ginger musicals that DH would never watch with me. Will treat myself tomorrow to a sofa day. Now I have to walk the dog (in the rain), go to the supermarket for DD's packed lunches and pick her up from school.
Respect to SAHPs / lone parents everywhere, I am wibbling after one day <pathetic emoticon>
Get something easy for dinner while you're at the Supermarket. Something that won't take much cooking and that you're sure your DD will eat to save dinner table fights.
Ooh, and some chocolate and medicine to soothe yourself with once she's in bed tonight
Unexpected you sound lovely and your DH is lucky to have such a nice partner. Good luck with the dog, I recommend bribing the animal with food.
PessaryPam (love the name btw)
All chores done, fire lit and we are both in pj's watching Scooby Doo. Dinner was lasagne made by DH before he left so just needed heating up.
Strategy for eye drops is for DD to hold out a little bit of cheese out while I squirt the stuff in. Dog will walk over hot coals for cheese so it's all working out.
DH rang but I missed the call. He's having a fab time but misses us.
Thanks for letting me unload
None of that sound like that much drama tbh. You have a cold. Your 5yo fell over and you went for a drive. I'd say the only thing to mention would be the dog just because of the cost of vets?
You sound a quite anxious about very small mishaps. Are you a bit nervous about being without your DH? Is there anyone friend or family that could come spend a day/evening with you and help you chill out?
-Sorry my phone hadn't loaded any response when i posted but now there are loads
Glad you are feeling better OP.
You are doing brilliantly. And no don't tell him.
There is always the other extreme. My parents managed to crash their car two days after our wedding, were in high dependency for a couple of days. I only found out after we came back from honeymoon two weeks later. They didn't want worry us. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.
What's to tell? Your dd fell over, the dog needs eyedrops, and you have a cough. All sounds fairly run of the mill to me!
Don't tell him. Let him enjoy his holiday. None of those things are noteworthy, sorry.
I'm a firm believer in not telling people there's anything wrong when they are on holiday!
But pictish the driving in fog when it was really dark and scary
DH has a week away every year and this is the first time I've felt such a wimp. Early night tonight to cope with the packed lunch challenge in the morning
agree there are not real reasons for your DH to come home as they are all only minor hiccups. I'd probably tell him whats going on but in a light way as they are only light things.
You are lovely to not want to risk spoiling his holiday by telling him.
I think I would say that we'd been having the usual ups and downs.
You sound very nice and considerate OP.
I wish I was as selfless as you.
Dont tell him, the most you can say is that you appreciate him all the more now you've done a day.
And the week will fly by, its good to swap roles occasionally to realise the daily grind.
Hope you feel better soon
You sound like you're doing great. It's probably your cold/cough making things seem worse than they otherwise would.
I second (third? 4th?) giving yourself some treat and rest.
Tell him all about it when he gets back, and mention what a sterling job you reckon he does.
Agree with pictish.
Let him enjoy his break without a worry.
You are doing the right thing not telling him but I can appreciate it must be hard as when crappy things happen he is probably the first person you would talk to about it.
We have an agreement in our family not to tell each other what is happening at home when on holiday unless it is a true emergency and we need to get home. We have had our fair share of stuff happen incl MIL passing away while SIL was on holiday but unless coming home will make a difference we agree beforehand not to say anything. It sounds awful but we used to say please don't call if so and so dies we'll just wait till we get home. It sounds heartless but in context it wasn't.
My nan died whilst I was away for a weekend so my mum decided to meet me at home to tell me when I got back, except my friend who was a carer at the nursing home facebooked me (to my mobile) to say how sorry she was
I have a good friend in the services and every time he goes away to sea he has to decide what he will and won't be told about what's going on at home, and no matter what it is he can't return until his tour is over. Puts my niggles into perspective.
I am not entirely selfless, a week away does his mood a world of good as he comes back refreshed and full of good humour. And I get my DD all to myself which I love - it's just the first time I've done it since she started school and it's been a challenge learning how to fit in all the lunch prepping, uniform finding, reading practice, etc. etc.
it's good to swap roles occasionally to realise the daily grind - yes to this redwelly
Also in response to a couple of comments, I would never expect him to come home half way through a holiday because of these incidents. I was intending to not tell him about the issues so he could enjoy his holiday, I just wasn't sure if SAHPs would generally prefer to know what was going on.
DD now sleeping in my bed because I'm a soft touch. Dog is in disgrace as he vommed all over the living room carpet. Nothing serious, he just ate too much seaweed on the beach this pm.
I think your dh probably feels guilty enough by the sounds of it, why else would he have made you a lasagne before going away? Why else would he have texted twice and tried to phone after just one day of being away?
He has probably cottoned onto the vibe that his going away isn't really welcomed. How were you with him before he went? I must admit, making a lasagne for you is a huge giveaway that he's trying to make up for something.
You've got just one child and a dog to look after. You already know that you need to man up a little (and that is said in the kindest way) so if I were you I would focus on becoming more independent and self sufficient whilst he's away. Stop being so dependent on him (you did mention that you were dependent). Book a holiday for yourself with a friend, even if it's only for a weekend. Start taking control more, force yourself out of your comfort zone and face the big wide world head on.
That's not exactly an AIBU bloodsucking vampire reply but I've just picked up on the things you've said and I do think you are being a bit wimpy. Making a packed lunch hardly requires an early night! Honestly the more you do these things by yourself the easier it gets. Being self sufficient is no bad thing and you never know when you might need to cope alone. You should never be dependent on anyone.
Hope your cold is better today
Rhubarb you area spot on with some things, but not on others. Lasagne was made from love (of me and of cooking) not guilt. I absolutely want to avoid DH feeling guilty about going away, hence unloading here.
I am delighted he is away and properly nagged him into booking the holiday, left to his own devices he would convince himself he couldn't afford the time away as he has such a strong work ethic and looks after everyone else before himself. I try to balance that.
I think I am like many WOHPs taking over at home for a week. It takes a while to get into the routine. But mainly I think I am just really under the weather, which contributed to the wimpishness.
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