Tell me straight I am BU ain't I?

(127 Posts)
ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 12:38:51

So in the middle of a long standing argument with DP it means a lot to me and it has put me off the idea of having DC with him but alas I am pregnant and now the arguement is needing to me solved.

I have 3DC with STXH and we all have the same surname.
All DC are close in age and this baby will only be 3yrs younger then DC3 which means at some point they will all be in school together.

I want the baby to have my surname a surname I will be keeping after divorce so its the same as my DCs partner doesn't like this and says it should have his.

I dont want my DCs having different surnames and I dont want to have a different surname to any of my DC.

I don't want to double barrell the last name as 1 its still different and 2 all DCs have double barrelled first names and so will this one and two double barrelled names in one name is riduclous.

Now I could understand if he was close to his family (DP) but he has his dad's name who he cannot stand.
I think DP who very much wants to be a family with me could change his surname if he wanted to have the same name as his dc, so why should it be me with a dc with a different surname instead?


OohMrDarcy Wed 09-Jan-13 12:41:18

a friend of mine got around this by double-barrelling her name... so first fathers DC have surname1, new fathers DC surname2, her surname is surname1-surname2

would that work?

Ask him if he would be prepared to take on your families name if you marry. That way everyone will have the same name.

foofooyeah Wed 09-Jan-13 12:48:39

I really dont think it matters too much these days, my sons both have different sunames, and theor surnames are different to mine! But they were not in school together - that mightmake things more difficult.

I can understand your DP not wanting his son to have your ex's surname though

DSM Wed 09-Jan-13 12:49:06

It's nothing to do with his family, presumably his issue is that his child won't share his name - which to be fair, is also your issue.

Agree with ninedoors - would he take your name? Are your DC's in contact with their father, and if not would you consider all changing your names to be the same?

I understand why you feel this way but is it really a big issue? DS and I don't have the same and it's never bothered me.

DSM Wed 09-Jan-13 12:50:27

Also - if it was your maiden surname that would be one thing, but to expect your new DP to be happy with his child having your ex husbands surname I think YABU.

KobayashiMaru Wed 09-Jan-13 12:51:27

Well how would you feel if he said he wanted your child to have his exwifes name? You wouldn't be too impressed, would you?

StuntGirl Wed 09-Jan-13 12:53:48

There's nothing to stop him taking your name if you marry. Or indeed if you don't marry.

That said this was really something that should have been discussed before you got pregnant.

LaurieBlueBell Wed 09-Jan-13 12:54:37

I'm a bit confused but are you asking him to take your ex partners name?. If so I can understand why he wouldn't want that.
Can also understand your point of view. I think you will both need to compromise by double-barrelling.

ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 12:57:59

The problem is I wont change my DCs name as they have regular contact.

He wont take my surname at all (his decision not bothered) he doesn't want DC havong my surname as its hos DC.

The way I look at it Im carrying this baby Im giving birth to it and I will be the one doing all the hard work so it should have my name.

And the point of if he wanted his ex wife's name is irrelevant as she isnt the one having a baby if so she could name it whatever she wanted.

squeakytoy Wed 09-Jan-13 12:58:27

yabu and also quite silly.. lots of families have children with different surnames, and it doesnt make any difference. My stepchildren have my husbands surname, their half sister has her dads surname, and their mother has her new husbands surname.. nobody cares.

chicaguapa Wed 09-Jan-13 12:59:31

My Dsis was in this situation and rang her exH to ask if she could change their DC's names to her new husband's. I was a bit shock that she'd asked tbh and wondered what planet she was on to think that he'd consent to that.

I can see why you'd want them to have the same surnames, but they have different fathers, so I think YABU.

squeakytoy Wed 09-Jan-13 13:00:06

"The way I look at it Im carrying this baby Im giving birth to it and I will be the one doing all the hard work so it should have my name"

So he isnt going to be involved in the baby after it is born then?

"And the point of if he wanted his ex wife's name is irrelevant as she isnt the one having a baby if so she could name it whatever she wanted"

Hmm, lets say she does have a baby, and she decides it should have his name, even though they are no longer together, will that be ok with you?

Pandemoniaa Wed 09-Jan-13 13:00:16

If you want the child you and your DP are expecting to bear your ex's surname then, tbh, I can see why your current DP isn't keen. If he simply wanted the baby to have his surname as opposed to your maiden name then I'd say he was being U.

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Jan-13 13:01:04

The way I look at it Im carrying this baby Im giving birth to it and I will be the one doing all the hard work so it should have my name.

That old chestnut makes you sound quite ridiculous I'm afraid.

Not to mention controlling.

Thumbwitch Wed 09-Jan-13 13:02:29

I can see your point but also can see his too. I think you should just double-barrel the new baby's surname, his and yours. Sorry, that's the only fair way out I can see.

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Jan-13 13:02:44

And what Pandemoniaa said.

I totally agree

sarahtigh Wed 09-Jan-13 13:04:06

I think YABU if it was your own family name/ maiden name ( I hate the term but you know what I mean)then probably ok but it is not; it is your Ex's name and your childrens name, I really can understand why DP does not want your unborn child to have ex's surname and even more why he would not want to change his own surname to your ex's name,

I think double barrelling is best solution but I would understand if he did not want ex's name there at all this child is nothing to do with your ex, he does not have the same father as your other children

this is not so much about having mothers name but it being exP name having different surnames in family is not really a big deal today

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 09-Jan-13 13:05:19

My DD has both mine and ExDP's surname. Double barrelled. My surname is last, simply because my family is all girls, and i wanted to carry on the surname.

Dahlen Wed 09-Jan-13 13:05:27

As long as we have a situation where over 90% of children whose parents separate end up living with the mother, this is exactly why all children should take the surnames of their mothers and it would be much more sensible if men adopted their wives' surnames on marriage.

However, since that horse has long bolted, I think the only sensible compromise in this situation is double-barrel the surname and lose the double-barrelled first name so it doesn't sound too OTT.

The feminist in me applauds you for fighting for your child to have your family name, but I understand his POV. I don't think many men would be happy about it TBH.

It may be worth having the intellectual argument with him. The logical extension of his view that your child would have your ex's name is that the name is not truly yours, but something you only acquired on marriage. True enough but if you choose to keep it on divorce it becomes your name legally just as much as if you had been born with it. To view it as being associated with your X implies you are an extension of your X, which is an ugly view of women based on ownership and an outdated relic of the past.

However, while you might win the rational argument on that one, I doubt very much you'd succeed in changing how he feels emotionally about it.

aderynlas Wed 09-Jan-13 13:05:35

Think you need to compromise here op, maybe keep half of the double barell and put your partners name as the other half. Congratulations to you both on the new baby news.

KobayashiMaru Wed 09-Jan-13 13:05:49

your old husbands name is also irrelevant since he is not the father of your new baby.

DSM Wed 09-Jan-13 13:06:00

Yeah that quote makes you seem a bit controlling.. Why is it such a big deal? No one cares. And you won't care after a while.

Personally I wouldn't keep my husbands name if we divorced. You have. I don't care. I doubt anyone else cares.

You honestly can't expect him to be happy with his child having the surname of your ex husband. Really?

hzgreen Wed 09-Jan-13 13:06:53

You want to give you baby another man's surname? Yes yabu I'm afraid. If it was your maiden name you might stand a chance but doesn't seem right. I I was your dp I would be reading you the riot act over this and if it was the other way around I doubt you'd be ok with your child having his ex wife's name.

PandaOnAPushBike Wed 09-Jan-13 13:07:22

I agree with the others. I can understand why you want your children to have the same surname, however YABU to expect your DP to go along with giving his child your ex husband's name. To be honest, I don't just think it's unreasonable, I think it's blooming weird.

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 13:07:29

I don't think it's fair on your partner at all to keep your ex's nae - it's very selfish.

I totally understand you wanting the same name as all your dc, but life doesn't always work out that way. You have a new relationship and a man who wants the kids to have this name, not your ex's.

I agree that if it was your name, that would be a different matter. I'm all for women retaining their surnames and coming up with compromises for the dc's surnames. But this isn't about that.

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 13:07:49

nae? Name.

AllDirections Wed 09-Jan-13 13:08:03

It's the OP's surname, it doesn't matter that it also belongs to her ex.

I would name this baby your surname OP. Although I understand where your DP is coming from but he could change his surname if he wanted to. I would change mine in his situation.

I also think that although it doesn't matter having children with different surnames and/or having a different surname to your DC it obviously matters to the OP.

GuffSmuggler Wed 09-Jan-13 13:08:22

This is totally bonkers expecting your DP's child AND your DP to take you ex-h's surname.

It really doesn't matter in the scheme of things. They HAVE got different dads, you can't cover that up I'm afraid.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 09-Jan-13 13:09:18


There is no good reason for what you are proposing. Why would your child want the name of a man that has nothing to do with him/her?

badguider Wed 09-Jan-13 13:09:45

your existing children have contact with their father so this new child WILL be different in your family as having your dP as his/her father.
i don't see the issue with him/her having a different name which reflects this - if you give them your ex's name then they'll probably wonder why they too don't go to 'daddy's' for contact weekends like their siblings do, when in fact your dp quite naturally wants his fatherhood to be acknowledged.

MsHighwater Wed 09-Jan-13 13:10:05

So, you don't want to have a different surname to any of your dc's but you expect your DP to choose between a) his new baby having your ex's surname or b) him taking your ex's surname, as well?
Of course YABU.

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 09-Jan-13 13:10:57

Compromise. Double barrel the new baby's name.

Doingfine Wed 09-Jan-13 13:11:03

I wonder what DC would choose? My instinct is they might like to have DF surname and enjoy being different from the others.

Just a thought....

aderynlas Wed 09-Jan-13 13:14:47

It does seem unreasonable and could lead to alot of confusion, still think adjusting the double barrell would work op, good luck.

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 13:15:09

But that's not a compromise, Enjoy, as the baby will still have the ex's surname in there!

We weren't married when we had our dc, so dc took both our names (double barrelled). I wouldn't have dreamt of telling my partner that the babies would only have my name. They were both his too. Let alone telling him they'd take some other guy's name if I had had kids by an ex!

Life can be messy, OP, and given your circumstances I think you need to grow up, accept that and think about this from your partner's point of view.

ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 13:16:06

I didn't mean for it to sound controlling its just if I'm doing the work and yes he will be involved but as the main carer it will mostly down to me and if we split the DC will still have the same surname.

I understand this sounds silly to some people fair enough you dont have to comment or even read it but it is an issue for me, I grew up with a different surnameto my sister and always got told in school that she couldn't be my real sister as we have different surnames.

Squeaky toy honestly I wouldn't care if his ex had a baby she would be free to call ot whatever she decided.

I am keeping my surname even after divorce so I dont have a different surname to my DCs this is something I decided a long time ago, I don't believe kids should have the dads name unless married and me and DP aren't and probably wont marry.

I would suggest reverting to your maiden name and changing your 3 DC's surnames to match, but I think that would require the agreement of your STXH. Is he likely to be amenable to that? Probably not?

ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 13:17:35

Probably not even though we get on I dont think STBXH will have it.

DialsMavis Wed 09-Jan-13 13:17:57

My DCs have a different surname to me and also to each other, nobody has died so far. I can see why you want them to all have the same name, but it's impossible really and your suggestion is unfair and ridiculous. It seems you are holding your DP to ransom over this if you refuse to have another child with him because of it.

Your marriage broke down and you fell in love with someone else. Why be ashamed?

I am not sure if I will change my name when I marry DP, I would love to have the same surname as him and DD but I don't want DS to be the odd one out. I would never ask Ex if I could change DSes name, he is a complete arsehole but DS is his child, not DPs.

Both DC and DP taking my surname would be the best idea, but mine is a but rubbish anyway!

catus Wed 09-Jan-13 13:20:51

YABU. You haven't thought it through, really.
You want all your DCs to have the same name, that's one thing.
You took your exH's surname on marriage, and gave your DCs his surname also. You then divorced, keeping your married name.
You met someone else, got pregnant. And you want this baby to have the same surname.
Can't you see it doesn't work logically? It's like you want to deny reality, which is that this baby doesn't have the same father. So he can't be exactly the same.

Ephiny Wed 09-Jan-13 13:22:19

I actually think YANBU. It's not weird to give your baby 'another man's surname' if it's also your surname. I never understood this idea that a woman's name is not truly her own.

HungryHippo89 Wed 09-Jan-13 13:22:38

100% YABU Even looking from the other point of view of your ExH would he appreciate your new baby with another man having his surname? My DP has a child with his ex - the kid has DP's surname if ExP went on to have another child and gave this child her ExP's (MY Dp's) surname so both children would match i would be my DP would be going loopy. I can safely say nobody will want this except for you. If my mum had given me the surname of a man that had nothing to do with me I would be changing it when I reached the legal age in which I could do so without her consent. I think your DP should have his surname for his child as your surname is is only yours because you were married.

If you hadn't of married your ExH WWYD when it came to naming the kiddies you already have? Who's surname would they of taken? Yours so that you both had the same surname? Or ExH's?

DSM Wed 09-Jan-13 13:24:13

You don't believe kids should have the dads name unless married?!

I think you'll find yourself in a very small minority there. It's unusual for a child of unmarried parents to take the mothers surname, particularly Oslo the mothers surname is from an ex husband.

I really think your POV is odd. You and your sister being teased was presumably a long time ago - things are very different now and there are a much higher proportion of children with different surnames to their siblings.

You seem to be attaching a lot of significance to the surname, when it really doesn't matter. Thousands of women have different surnames to their children. No one really cares.

aderynlas Wed 09-Jan-13 13:24:58

If you can see that your ex wouldnt want to alter his childrens name because its important to him, then maybe you should see this would be of equal importance to your partner.

alisunshine29 Wed 09-Jan-13 13:25:00

My partners ex gave her baby his surname so the baby (not his) would have the same surname as their children together. People assume my partner is the father of all kids and that's baby's dad is step dad as older kids refer to him by name. Having kids with different names is something yo should've accepted before choosing to have children with different fathers.

Pandemoniaa Wed 09-Jan-13 13:26:56

It's all very well having these fearfully definite ideas that you won't change, regardless of the reasonability of them, but you don't seem to be at all willing to take account of your DP's feelings.

You say you will be the main carer but it sounds as if you've decided that this is an adequate reason to treat your DP as something of an inconvenience rather than someone who does have a right to an opinion.

DontmindifIdo Wed 09-Jan-13 13:28:04

the thing you need to realise is that to the rest of the whole world, you wouldn't be giving this DC your name, you'd be giving it your exH's name - you didn't keep your name, you were happy to give it up and name your DCs after their father's family. It's not unreasonable to give your next DC his/her fathers name or compromise on your maiden name. You appear to be treating your current DP as unimportant.

What happened at school is a bit shit for you, but the world has changed, step and half siblings aren't unusual anymore.

Quite frankly, you have taken the decision to have half siblings - if you didn't want to have children who are halfsiblings you shouldn't have done this. Now you have, stop trying to pretend this is just a nuclear family. The youngest DC will quickly learn they have a different dad because he/she won't go off with the others for contact. I assume your existing DCS don't call your DP 'Daddy' but this DC will. The name thing will just confuse matters to outsiders, not simplify it. If your youngest DC (or indeed your older ones) have a problem with or are embarrassed by different parentage amongst the siblings, havnig the same name will just be a sticking plaster over it.

pictish Wed 09-Jan-13 13:28:10

I see your point OP...but when it comes down to it, few men would be happy to have their child take on their partner's ex husband's name instead of their own.
It's not just your child, and it's not just what you want that matters.

I think you either have to accept that your youngest dc will have different surname, or double barrel it.

He is not going to agree that his child should carry your ex's name.

strumpetpumpkin Wed 09-Jan-13 13:28:17

you are keeping your ex husbands surname, and you want your new partners baby to take the surname of your ex husband. Is that right?

And you think hes being unreasonable for not being ok with this???

That actually makes me feel sick for your partner. How horrible. YABVVU

strumpetpumpkin Wed 09-Jan-13 13:31:47

i reverted to my maiden name when i got divorced. I have my maiden name, my ds1 has my exes surname, and my 2 other children have my partners surname.

I have never felt judged for it, nor has it made any difference to the children.
Its pretty common these days

BarredfromhavingStella Wed 09-Jan-13 13:34:08

YABVU & amazingly selfish.

Do you have male friends that you can canvass for opinion on this?

ZooAnimals Wed 09-Jan-13 13:35:23

It's not her ex-husbands name. It's her name. If she was wanting the baby to have her maiden name would you be saying 'but that's not your name it's your father's name'?

OP YANBU, but neither is he. They only fair way is to double barrell the name. You don't need a double-barrelled first name, so drop that.

ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 13:36:05

After reading all the responses I can see Im being unreasonable and some people do have very good points, I guess its jist something ill have to get used to.

pictish Wed 09-Jan-13 13:37:39

Good for you. You'll soon get used to it. xx

YABU its your ex's name. I might have felt differently if it was your maiden name.

My children have DH's surname but I don't as I kept my maiden name.

I really don't think siblings having different surnames is the same issue now as it was when you and your sister were in school.

X Post

You'll get used to it quite quickly.

beckyboo232 Wed 09-Jan-13 13:41:38

I have ds by two different fathers ds1 has my surname as his io father disappeared the day I found out I was pregnant. Ds2 also has mine despite me now being married to dh, I explained to him how important it was to me for my children to have my name,the same name and for me to keep mine once married. We compromised though My part of the compromise was getting married which was important to him up not to me.
So I do understand your position op but Think you need to talk and compromise somehow. Double barrelling would be the obvious one.

loopylou6 Wed 09-Jan-13 13:43:29

shock YAB amazingly U.

You really cannot expect your dp to be happy with taking on your exes surname. That's just ridiculous.

Thumbwitch Wed 09-Jan-13 13:45:44

I think the most salient point here is that things HAVE changed enormously over the last few years in terms of blended families, so children having different surnames in families will be far more usual, and less likely to be a target for derision - so if you're worried that your DC will suffer in the way you did, it seems unlikely.

Glad you've taken on board that YABU. smile

TandB Wed 09-Jan-13 13:48:57

I think YABU. If it was your maiden name then that would be fine, but you are asking him to give his child the name of your ex.

I think it would be a bit weird to be honest, and I can quite see why he would hate it.

NewYearNewNagoo Wed 09-Jan-13 14:49:56

You want it to be neat and tidy, to have the same name and for it to look perfect from the outside.

None of us is perfect, and I think you need to accept your situation for what it is. The new DC has a different daddy and will have a different name. You really can't expect your DP to accept his baby having another man's name.

I'm glad you seem to be coming round to this.

QOD Wed 09-Jan-13 14:57:47

I understand as I am a child of the 60's and one of the first to have divorcing parents. I absolutely hated and despised having a different surname to my umami would never in a million years have a different surname to my child.

However, we are talking about a new child, I would compromise and double barrel. My DD's friend is double double as in "Jenna-Louise Italian-Italian"and is just known as Jenna Italian-Italian which may well happen to your child depending on its actual first name. I know you said double barrel but is it like Lily-May or Alan-David? You know names that aren't traditionally double barrelled?

So actually, I don't think yabu but I think compromise.

HyvaPaiva Wed 09-Jan-13 15:16:01

My own surname situation makes me say just give the new baby its father's surname and stop worrying about everything 'matching'. My lovely mum thought she was doing the 'right/proper' thing by making our step-family 'all the same' and it was awful for me.

My parents were never married. At birth, I was given my mother's name (they split up and my father didn't want me). Years later, she married my stepfather and she took his name. I kept my birth surname (her maiden name) until they decided to have a child together.

At that point, it was decided that my surname should be changed to fit in with them. It made me feel excluded 'fit in' my name has to change? If my name's different I don't 'fit'? It was the wrong thing to do because it made me question our family dynamic and relationship. I felt conditional and peripheral. Different relationships, individuals, different periods of life created each member: my mum, father, me, stepdad, my brother. My brother and I - different fathers, different names - are as close as possible and no one has questioned that. To 'flatten' life out and make it 'neat' suggested to me that I wasn't good enough and that I messed up the family 'structure'. That wasn't really the case (we are close) but my mum's attempt to 'make it look the same' actually felt damaging. As a teenager I stroppily demanded my birth surname back and it was changed. Now I'm happily engaged but will never take DP's surname because I struggled to get 'my' name back and it has meaning to me. If we are lucky enough to have children, DP wants them to have my surname because he prefers my extended family (blush) to his own toxic parents. That's fine, it has meaning too. What I mean is there are all sorts of interesting family structures and relationships and we should engage with them instead of attempting to make life match up neatly.

Artesia Wed 09-Jan-13 15:22:13

I actually think you're getting a bit of a hard time OP.

I can understand why your partner would want the baby to have his name, and certainly why he won't change his. But your exh's surname is now also your surname, so isn't the question really "should my child have my surname or my partner's?". Just because you acquired your current surname through a previous marriage doesn't make it any less yours.

FWIW, I do think there needs to be an element of compromise all round, so I'd drop the double-barrelled first name, then give the new baby both surnames. It might not be your ideal outcome, but seems fairest all ways round, and keeps the link between your current children and the new baby's name.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 09-Jan-13 15:32:09

Is this a joke. You really think its okay to give your child your ex,s surname. I feel really really sorry for your new partner, you sound quite unreasonable. It does not bode well that you can't compromise on this and also see why he would not want his baby having another mans name.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 09-Jan-13 15:37:23

Sorry, I do see your dilema but think yabu. I don't think you can expect your DP to be happy with this idea. I certainly wouldn't be. My ex sil changed her DSs sir names without even telling my DB. He only found out when he saw her new DP's names on their school books. It was very upsetting and the boys felt very stuck in the middle.

KellyElly Wed 09-Jan-13 15:48:08

I think you are being very unreasonable to expect him to want your child together to have your ex husbands name! VERY unreasonable.

For all those people going on about it being the Ex's name, unless it's an extremely rare name, then many, many people will be sharing that surname. the Ex doesn't have exclusive use of that name.

And, as the OP intends to keep the name after divorce, then it will be her name too, it'll be irrelevant that the Ex has the same surname. She won't be giving the child Ex's name, she'll give the child hers.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 09-Jan-13 16:15:42

Many families have lots of different names, so what's the problem of them having a different name from their siblings. Sorry FryOneFatManic its still her ex husbands name and totally unreasonable to expect her new partner to think that this is okay.

KellyElly Wed 09-Jan-13 16:16:43

Sorry FryOneFatManic its still her ex husbands name and totally unreasonable to expect her new partner to think that this is okay. < This

SarahWarahWoo Wed 09-Jan-13 16:19:30

Play nice, your shared child could easily have a double barrelled surname? Everyone would be happy then? Don't give the baby a double/hyphenated first name though.

I feel sorry for your DP actually, you want his child to have your ex's surname and expect him to be happy with it?

I don't feel it is at all unreasonable. I feel that there are too many people who see a name as somehow "marking territory". His name, her name. A name is just an identifier, a way of marking you as an individual.

If people feel it is unreasonable maybe you need to look at your reaction to the idea. Can you honestly be sure that it's not coloured by the old idea that a man's name indicated possession/ownership of children?

I'm not trying to be provocative, but it's a genuine question. Are our old traditions (laws, even, a man did once own his wife and children) still influencing how we see these sort of issues?

BabsAndTheRu Wed 09-Jan-13 16:47:44

That is a valid point, but its not about naming the baby after his or her name but a third parties name who has nothing to do with the parentage of the child.

KellyElly Wed 09-Jan-13 16:49:21

If people feel it is unreasonable maybe you need to look at your reaction to the idea. Can you honestly be sure that it's not coloured by the old idea that a man's name indicated possession/ownership of children? No, it's the fact that it's her ex husband's surname and it's inappropriate to name a child with a new partner that name and expect them to be ok with it. Would the OP be ok if the roles were reversed? I doubt it. Many posters have said if it was her maiden name it would be fine, so not some anti-feminist issue.

mixedpeel Wed 09-Jan-13 16:58:00

Interesting debate, and I am quite shocked by how many people see OP's surname as her ex's name. I changed my name on marriage, but now very much see that surname as mine.

I get the points about OP's concern about different surnames not particularly being an issue, but coming out of the discussion is a really interesting assumption that the man's name should automatically be given to their child, and that OP's surname is not really 'hers', which I just can't agree with.

If the op is keeping the name then it isn't a third party's name, it'll be her name. It's not as if she's giving a child the ex's name without any connection to her, is it? This is why I replied as I did, because she's keeping the name.

Ultimately, it'll be down to discussion between her and her DP, but they'll both need to be open to ideas.

Perhaps they could all change to a completely new surname.

My DP and I have 2 DCs, who both have his name. Only because it's easier than mine, which is a double barrel. But as names don't have the same importance to me as they maybe do to other people, I wouldn't be bothered if we all had different surnames.

AllDirections Wed 09-Jan-13 17:05:43

If people feel it is unreasonable maybe you need to look at your reaction to the idea. Can you honestly be sure that it's not coloured by the old idea that a man's name indicated possession/ownership of children?

I agree and the strength of feeling on this thread makes me feel very uncomfortable.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 09-Jan-13 17:06:40

I have a different name to my 3DC's as well who have my DP's name. Just feel its a step to far to expect a new partner to have his baby have the same name as his partners ex. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like the poster will be open to discussion with her DP.

HollyBerryBush Wed 09-Jan-13 17:13:07

Now I could understand if he was close to his family (DP) but he has his dad's name who he cannot stand.

But it is also HIS name - whether he likes his father or not.

I'm old school - a child should have it's fathers name - save the feminist arguements on that everyone - I'm entitled to an opinion and you've all made the case for your beliefs so we don't need to rehash them..

However, OP, I see why you want to retain the same name for all your children - it makes life a great deal easier

Now you've said you use your exhusbands name, I can see why he is mighty mardy about it. You really expect a man to change his surname to that of partners ex husband? Quite an affront to his dignity.

I've got to say - YABU.

badguider Wed 09-Jan-13 17:23:39

I think it's totally fine for a child to have their mother's name rather than father's... but in this situation it appears like the new child is trying to pretend to have the same parentage as the existing children rather than celebrating the new child's relationship with their own father (dp) and it does look like an attempt to make the mother and children a single unit and sounds like they don't expect the dp/father to stick around sad.

carabos Wed 09-Jan-13 17:29:36

so it should have my name
But its not your name though is it? It's your STBXH's name - so in fact, strictly speaking, as things stand it is your husband's name.

Your baby should have either your maiden name or his / her father's name.

Artesia Wed 09-Jan-13 17:30:57

I am confused- If you choose to take your husband's name when you get married, are you really only borrowing it? And would it be ok for people to refuse to use it even when you are married, because it's not your name, it's your husband's??

I changed my name when I got married, and my DS obviously then had the same surname as both of us. Exh then left and we are now divorced, but I have kept my married name for several reasons- partly because I didn't want a different name to my son, partly because i was known professionally by married name and would have been tricky to chamge it, but mainly because by that time it was MY name too.

If DFiance and I are lucky enough to have any more children, we will probably double barrel my (married) name and his name.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 09-Jan-13 17:34:14

Yab totally and utterly unreasonable in expecting him to be happy with your child together having another man's surname

Really? You are pushing for this? You are so wrong

Fakebook Wed 09-Jan-13 17:36:11

What a stupid thing you're suggesting. Like your dp is really going to like his child having your exh's surname! And what about your ex? Will he be happy with another person's child taking on his surname? There will always be this assumption that te fourth child is your ex's too. Would your dp be happy with that? No he wouldn't! Neither would your ex.

Stop being silly.

Mollydoggerson Wed 09-Jan-13 17:36:42

YABU it's not all about you.

DreamingofSummer Wed 09-Jan-13 17:38:23

You are being unreasonable and controlling and bloody minded all at the same time. Well done

PolterGoose Wed 09-Jan-13 17:39:57

I just don't understand how much importance people attach to the names we give our children, but I come from a family of name changers so we've all ended up choosing our own in adulthood anyway!

Me and dp have different last names. I really wasn't bothered about what ds would be named, dp chose his forenames and ds has dp's last name. Ds is my son (and dp's as well of course), I carried, birthed, fed and nurture him. His name is irrelevant. If he chooses in the future to change to my last name or one of his choosing, that is absolutely fine.

VitoCorleone Wed 09-Jan-13 17:57:53


I cant believe you thought this would be ok with your DP

katiecubs Wed 09-Jan-13 18:06:41

Glad you may have seen some sense here.

Have no idea why you would want to name the baby after your ex who it has nothing to do with?! (would ex not find this very odd too?!)

*The way I look at it Im carrying this baby Im giving birth to it and I will be the one doing all the hard work so it should have my name*

Nothing like a fair, equal and mature relationship to bring children into is there ?

Why don't you all take a completely new name ?
Tbh, I can't see any man being happy with his DC being given a partners ex's surname

DSM Wed 09-Jan-13 18:18:28

I reckon she gets how unreasonable she is being - we can all probably stop now grin

ArtemisatBrauron Wed 09-Jan-13 23:34:37

First ever post after long time lurking! I am horrified by how many people are saying things like "it's not your name, it's your ex-husband's" etc - if you go by that logic then her maiden name equally isn't hers either, it's her father's.

I changed my name when I got married and consider it to be MY name now (have published under it so won't ever be changing it no matter what happens!) OP is entitled to give her child HER name, just as much as her DP is - now they just need to negotiate a solution that works for them.

ArtemisatBrauron Wed 09-Jan-13 23:35:38

Katiecubs she wants to call the child after herself

Bumblebee333 Thu 10-Jan-13 01:01:51

Why dont you make an entirely new surname for all of you? Just make something up.

DSM Thu 10-Jan-13 01:15:39

Your birth name and your married name do have different places in your life. I don't think that my married name becomes mine. If I divorced, I wouldn't keep it. I think it's odd.

My birth name isn't my fathers name. It is MY birth name that was given to me by the person registering my birth. It has sod all to do with my father, whether or not it happens to be the same.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 10-Jan-13 01:25:51

If your married name isn't really yours, why in the actual fuck do women change their names? Just to indicate that they're now owned by that particular man?

DSM Thu 10-Jan-13 01:36:26

Owned by a man?! Jesus.

Neither my birth name nor married name indicate any form of ownership. But my birth name is one I was given. My given name. My married name is one I chose to adopt in order to become a family, a unit.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Thu 10-Jan-13 01:40:36

It's very different to when you were in school.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 10-Jan-13 01:45:12

But you're not adopting it, if it's only conditional on the marriage continuing. You're fostering it.

Is it your name, or his name? If it's yours, it stays yours, and the OP's name is hers irrespective of her current marital status. If it's his name, then he's attaching it to you like a tag.

SantasENormaSnob Thu 10-Jan-13 03:29:07


AlienananaReflux Thu 10-Jan-13 03:56:30

YAB really U.

Also, whether your DO gets on with his dad is irrelevant,that's his name, and your baby together should have either his or your name,not some bloke you used to be married to.

anastaisia Thu 10-Jan-13 04:48:50

YANBU to want to give the baby YOUR name (don't understand the 'but it's giving the baby another man's name' argument, it's the OP's name that she uses all the time now).

MummytoKatie Thu 10-Jan-13 07:27:15

Do you know anyone who also knows your STBX. Because all those people will assume that the baby is his. (I know I would in that circumstance). Especially as there is only 3 years between the kids and you are not yet divorced.

So if they still exist the people who would tell your new baby that their siblings are not really their siblings will instead tell them that their dad isn't really their dad. I guess you have to decide which is worse.

ArtemisatBrauron Thu 10-Jan-13 07:51:56

But, DSM, your birth surname IS your father's name, whether you like putting it that way or not! All the people telling the OP that her current name "isn't your name" are crazy - what is her name then?? What does it say on her passport, bank details etc?

Bearbehind Thu 10-Jan-13 07:59:37

I get the impression from phrases the OP used such as 'it has put me off the idea of having DC with him but alas I am pregnant' and 'DP and I aren't and probably won't marry' that the real issue here is that she doesn't particularly like or respect her partner and doesn't see the relationship lasting and is therefore thinking it would be better if all 4 children had the same name as her when her partner is off the scene. Much more convenient and naice, but unfortunately not fair on the child's father

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding Thu 10-Jan-13 08:03:38

If you wanted to give your baby your maiden name fair enough, that i understand to some degree.
But to give your baby your Exs surname is beyond ridiculous and everyone in the community will assume your ex is the fathershock

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Thu 10-Jan-13 11:17:21

Thinking about this I thing all women should retain their name on marriage and give all their children their surname too. At least then the woman and all her children would share a name whatever happens to her relationships and whether or not she's married. Sadly this is not the social norm here.

OP, logically YANBU but I can see why emotionally your partner isn't keen.

Thumbwitch Thu 10-Jan-13 11:25:50

They do that in other countries, Ghoul - Italy for one. I think it's a good idea too but it would take a major shift in attitudes for it to happen.

DSM Thu 10-Jan-13 11:37:41

artemisat not necessarily - lots of people don't have the same birth name as their father. Including the OP's child if she goes ahead with this ludicrous plan.

Whilst your married name becomes your name, I don't feel it's appropriate to share it with future children who are in no way related to the person from whom you took the name. Your birth name will be passed to children who are directly related to the person you took the name from - whether than be you (with made up birth surname) your father, your mother..

Voiceofthevoiceless Mon 14-Jan-13 11:19:52

Expecting a man to give HIS child Your Ex husbands surname is completely unreasonable. It's an appauling thing to expect another man to accept... DISGUSTING infact!

BarbarianMum Mon 14-Jan-13 11:32:00

<<The way I look at it Im carrying this baby Im giving birth to it and I will be the one doing all the hard work so it should have my name.>>

Yeah right! This bit takes 9 months. As a pose to the lifetime of parenting that follows it.

Why didn't you just have another one with your Ex?

<<It's not just your child, and it's not just what you want that matters.>>

Agree with this, though.

gimmecakeandcandy Mon 14-Jan-13 22:59:46

The op has flounced!

wiltingfast Tue 15-Jan-13 00:00:30

I don't really understand why you want this? I'd be the opposite and probably have gone back to my own name and no question new dc would have his father's name or maybe my maiden name. Why on earth would you want your new dc to have your EX p name? I just find that weird. It bears no relation at all to who dc actually is iyswim. That would be nb to me. Prob for your dc too in reality. Not that all kids have same name while in school or ...what for? Am a bit baffled!

I think you have just as much right to want your dc to share your surname as your dp has to want them to share his. But if neither of you are willing to budge you might need to find a compromise, either flip a coin or use both names.

I don't think it matters if your surname comes from your ex, it is your name now and that's why you want to pass it on. Just as your dp wants to pass on hos name because it's his, not because it used to be his dad's.

I don't agree that you get more rights because you give birth to the child, though.

ruledbyheart Tue 15-Jan-13 00:16:38

The OP hasn't flounced, unfortunately I cannot get online all the time and rarely venture into this topic.
I have posted a lot earlier in the thread that after reading the posts I can see IABU and will just have to get used to it, I saw no reason to post after that.

And yes to those who have read my other thread after this regarding my DP maybe you can understand why I want DC to have my surname (which it is as even after divorce is finalised I will be keeping it) as if I'm going to end up a single mum then I think the DCs should have my surname when I will be resident parent and be main carer.

larks35 Tue 15-Jan-13 00:16:52

I can see why your DP doesn't want his child to have your exH's name. I think you have to live with the fact that your have a modern family who will have different surnames. I'm not married to DP and our 2 children have his surname and mine is differnt. I chose this as I knew it meant a lot to his mum (his dad died many years ago and the other GCs from his sister have their dad's name) and my surname had already been passed down with my brother's family.

I dunno, I think you are expecting a hell of a lot to ask your new partner to give his child your exH's name. Fair enough if you were both fighting for your own family names but you're not.

ComposHat Tue 15-Jan-13 00:25:43

YABU and inconsistent.
you got married and had kids and gave them their father's surname.

I'm not coming at this from a children must have their father's surname you'd kept your maiden name on marriage or reverted to it on. divorce that would be fine, he/she is your child just as much as he/she is your partner's. but it isn't the child of your ex husband.

you are pregnant with your new partner's child and want to give him a different man's surname for the sake of appearances. but the impression you'll be giving to anyone who. is smallminded enough to give a shite is that the new child was a result of some post breakup sex with your ex behind your partner's back.

PickledApples Tue 15-Jan-13 00:25:59

What conclusion did you reach?
Can you double barrel your name to stbx surname - maiden name then give your baby just your maiden name?

I think your current Dp can only be on the birth certificate / have final say upon registering if he actually attends the appointment with you to register the birth btw.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Tue 15-Jan-13 00:32:16

YANBU - your name either is really your name when you get married or it's not. Which begs the question why change your name if you're only being generously loaned it by your husband. I can understand why some people would want to change names in event of a divorce, but the important thing is that it's their choice.

I agree with previous posters who say that it's not a decision of your dc taking your exDP's name or your DP's but that of your name and your DP's.

ruledbyheart Tue 15-Jan-13 00:36:18

Depending on the outcome of this relationship (see other thread) the baby will have DPs surname, however if I end up a single parent prior to this then the baby will have my surname.

Composhat in all honesty anyone who knows me and/or Ex knows that its not possible it would be his baby, and although I know the suggestion of DC having my surname is apparently ludicrous, in RL I wouldn't give a monkeys what other people thought as it would be my decision but of course at the moment I am taking DPs thoughts and feelings into this and have realised I am unreasonable.

PickledApples Tue 15-Jan-13 01:05:16

Have you asked your ex about the possibility of using "his" (your) name? It could also look like paternity / maintenance issue.

ruledbyheart Tue 15-Jan-13 01:24:18

Yes but either way its a non issue as if it that was the case mothers could put any name they wanted and claim it was someone elses child?
Ex doesn't care because as far as he's concerned I legally took that name therefore it is mine.

fatandfifty Tue 15-Jan-13 06:54:10

I think all this talk of giving your expected baby your ex-husbands name is ridiculous. The surname is yours, and became so when you married and decided to take on a new name.
I agree that I would not want my children to have different surnames. After all, in this day and age, a child is forever, a partner might not be, and how would this child feel if you separate from this partner, and they are the only person in your family with a different surname.

TheFallenNinja Tue 15-Jan-13 07:05:26

Sounds like your not prepared to concede anything and only want but your own way. Your fella is just waiting to be shown the door.

floatyjosmum Tue 15-Jan-13 07:45:18

Loads of siblings have different surnames. I'm pregnant with dc3 who will have a different name to the other two. Dc1 has mine, dc2 has exp, dc3 will have dh.

Tbh it's dc1 I feel sorry for as noone has that name now I'm married but my kids never question it and the kids never mention it. They justo am we can't have anything with our surname on like calendars etc because we have 3.

Thumbwitch Tue 15-Jan-13 08:36:08

I have read your other thread, ruledbyheart and am sad to see the situation you are in.

I hope that your DP can sort things out so you can be a family; but I still think double-barrelling your new baby's name would be the best way forward, to give him an incentive to really be involved with the baby, iyswim (if he sorts himself out - as it stands, I wouldn't personally be leaving him alone with the baby at any stage!)

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