Annoyed at Friend re. slander of childminder

(65 Posts)
Keychain Wed 09-Jan-13 09:46:13

My DS adores his CM and so do my DH and I. she is warm, encouraging, caring, nurturing, etc. Our DS has come on leaps and bounds and has been with her for a year and half, and she will have DS2 once my maternity leave is up.
Friend asked about her and I recommended CM for her DD. Problem is all the things i love about CM, (i.e. she does lots of messy play, interactive things, they spend a lot of time outdoors, visit farms/ woods/ beach etc) my friend hates and after placing her child with CM for a few months removed her complaining she always came home with dirty clothes in her bag (CM changes the childrens clothes if they get dirty etc) and she didn't like the activities CM did. I thought fair enough, horses for courses and it was her choice.
However I have now started to get really angry that she constantly slags my CM off and my decision to place DCs there. She says CM doesn't keep them safe and does activities children shouldn't do. she doesn't understand why I place my DC there and doesn't think I should. She does this very publicly, i.e. baby/toddler groups etc, and I find myself getting very defensive of my decisions and CM.
I know daily where my son goes and what he does, I am given a plan of the day every morning and an update every evening when DS comes home with a beaming smiling chattering about what wonderful new experiences he has had. CM is rated as outstanding with Ofsted and I don't have a bad word to say about her. CM has had DC since he was 6mths and never done anything which I consider as not appropriate. I feel friend is now exaggerating things to justify her decision to move her DC and unfairly criticising CM and me, as well as being slanderous of CM. CM doesn't deserve this and I feel responsible. I don't think CM has heard what friend has been saying as she has never raised it with me, but she is also professional and not a gossip so I don't know if she would anyway.
How can I stop this without it being to confrontational, as I hate confrontation!

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 09:51:50

well... I've been your friend, used a CM a friend LOVED (and is still in touch with years after using her) and she was AWFUL IMO, I feel so guilty for leaving him there

When you get childcare wrong it really does feel awful and I can understand your friend wanting to warn people before they go through discovering that they made a very bad choice with their child's childcare - its the worst feeling in the world!

its something people will feel very strongly about, so I don't think there's any middle ground other than just not discussing childcare with or around this friend at all, and if you need to say "we will never agree on this so if we are to spend time together it's probably a subject we should avoid"

Keychain Wed 09-Jan-13 09:56:48

I get what you are saying but I suppose the issue is I have no problem with the fact she didn't like the form of childcare, what I have issue with is she has changed her tune to saying the children are not kept safe. she has no basis for this arguement and no evidence and for a childminder it is very damaging. And with that she is suggesting I don't care about my children's safety.
Why can't she just say the truth - she likes her daughter to be in nice clothes and didn't like her getting messy daily. this is what she said at the begining and as time has gone on the stories have become bigger and more exaggerated.

CailinDana Wed 09-Jan-13 09:58:14

Could you say "OK I know how you feel about it, could you let it drop now?"

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 10:02:34

because maybe.. at the time it's hard to admit just how bad it is, as it's too upsetting, and its only with some distance that you can allow youself to really say how angry you are and how bad it was

you just don't want to admit, even to yourself, how bad your choice was. Especially when they're still there and you're in the process of removing them. At the time of removing my DS I said it was practical reasons and might have mentioned that when the other mindees changed (some left some started) the dynamics changed. However when DS was safely away and settled elsewhere, I could then begin to talk about how very awful I thought it was and how guilty I felt about ever sending him there

Keychain Wed 09-Jan-13 10:03:08

Have tried that, she seems to enjoy the drama of talking about her 'awful' experience! I am considering telling the CM so maybe she can talk to her and ask her what she feels the issues were so they can resolve it. CM has a really good reputation in our local area so I also think wonder if others just role their eyes and leave friend to it.
Maybe I shouldn't get so wound up about it... just feel guilty about it now I suppose!

nailak Wed 09-Jan-13 10:03:35

why do you not just say "I disagree?" or make a joke out of it? "you know i've never seen you at messy play" or whatever?

Sugarice Wed 09-Jan-13 10:04:18

Just say 'we'll have to agree to disagree about CM but I'm finding your constant criticism uncomfortable. We're all happy there so you please drop the subject'

See what she says to that.

redwellybluewelly Wed 09-Jan-13 10:05:20

I think the fact that the OFSTED ratings are outstanding speaks volumes. I think you should tell your CM so that if she has a website/webpage she can ensure she puts up evidence to counter any concerns. And as for your friend I think you need to say something like "OK, I have heard enough, my child and others are very happy there and safe - if you have that many concerns do tell OFSTED rather than telling other parents terrible stories which are based solely on your opinion"

Lastly - where is your CM because that is exactly the sort of childcare I'd like to find for my DD and DC2 grin

Also - I am very happy with my children's nursery except for the food - which I do say upfront to anyone who asks me that if they want to do BLW or leave instructions then to leave them written down so they cannot be ignored they force fed my baby when she wasn't ready to wean because they thought she should be off the breast by that age, she was 7 months and quite poorly

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 10:05:21

OP do you really think anyone would enjoy admitting they made an awful choice about their child's childcare?

Even if you disagree, I don't think you are trying to empathise with how it might feel to think you made a terrible choice, it's not something you can easily tone down, have you ever felt really really really upset about something? if the subject comes up it's hard for the anger to not pour out

HeathRobinson Wed 09-Jan-13 10:06:25

Are you sure she didn't have a valid concern?
We all have different levels of things that we're comfortable with.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 10:06:31

Ofstead smoftead BTW wink

Ragwort Wed 09-Jan-13 10:08:09

I really wouldn't talk to the CM about it, you don't want to get dragged into it. There is no 'right or wrong' in this situation, some parents really don't like 'wet/muddy/creative play' and just aren't going to change their minds, whatever anyone says. If the CM's reputation is that good then most people will know about it and want to find out for themselves before listening to your friend (or you for that matter).

I had a very similar situation with a creche at a gym I used to use, I thought it was fab, was delighted with it, etc etc but my friend hated it and just wouldn't use it. I think all you can do with your friend is just say something like 'we'll have to agree to disagree' and change the subject.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 10:11:03

and think about it, if you are allowed to sing the CMs praises to other mums based on your experiences and opinions, then your friend can share her experiences and opinions too can she not? Just tell her that you don't want to hear it!

realcoalfire Wed 09-Jan-13 10:11:47

Because her children's experience was possibly different to your DCs?

I would tell her that if she feels strongly to make an official complaint to OFSTED so they can do a proper objective investigation.

Out of interest what specifically are the problems.What activities do the children do, that in her opinion children shouldn't do, and why does she think they are not safe? I would listen to what she has to say and not dismiss her concerns out of hand.You know the old saying about ' you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time...... '

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Wed 09-Jan-13 10:14:16

Your cm sounds amazing! Exactly what I'd have been looking for as well.
After all a messy child is a happy child IMO!

I think even though you don't like confrontation you'll have to give it 'well we can all disagree on opinions' 'What works for one family won't another, same as parenting styles'
Then bite your tongue that yours happens to agree with ofsted.

helpyourself Wed 09-Jan-13 10:14:18

She's can't say the truth because that's not how she sees it. I think you need to be assertive and say, 'I'm very happy my children are there, there are strict safeguarding and health and safety rules she complies with and what you're saying is unfair.'

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 10:15:35

"Because her children's experience was possibly different to your DCs?"

the CM actually treated my friend's DS VERY differently to mine, she had very obvious favourites, which my friend didn't see as she was (understandably) just delighted that her child was liked and cared for by the CM and was never there the same time as me

I observed that the CM treated the children differently based on which parents she clicked with. Friend would often go in for a cuppa and a chat at the end of her DSs day there and CM would chat about the DS's development etc. Mine was abruptly posted through the door with little feedback.
My DS wasn't naughty or difficult to mind or anything, she just didn't see me as a potential friend I think

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird Wed 09-Jan-13 10:16:58

Did her dd enjoy being there? My kids go to farms,woods,beach,since when are they unsafe for children?
IMO it sounds like she doesn't like mess and dirt but this sounds superficial so makes out that the CM is being reckless with her mindees. BTW tell your CM that this person is bad mouthing her as it could affect her business.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 10:17:06

Its really horrible to pick your DCs up knowing they are subdued and unhappy. I do believe that my friend's DS was happy at same CM, but mine was not and it was an awful awful environment for several of the children there

I'm getting angry just thinking about her now years later!

realcoalfire Wed 09-Jan-13 10:17:15

Also remember her DC might have been thoroughly miserable getting wet and muddy and a good, competent CM should have made adjustments to accommodate this.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 10:20:56

uh huh realcoalfire
some children go through phases or real mess adversion, and IMO it's best to let it pass and not push it, and just do other stuff and come back to messy play later. If the CM always does messy play no matter who she has that day then she's not really responding to where the children are at that point. Some are happier with other activities sometimes.
Mine hates art and craft but LOVES singing, if a CM kept doing arts and craft with him every day I'd think she was shit! obviously someone whose child loved arts and craft would think same CM was responding to the child and amazing IYKWIM

JassyRadlett Wed 09-Jan-13 10:23:27

If she does it in public, politely challenge her on the safety stuff as that's really damaging for the CM. Just a polite and interested 'oh, in what way?' or 'I'm not sure I can think of an example when she did something unsafe with the children, can you explain what happened?' Push for specifics, don't let her get away with being general about it.

If it's in private, agree with Cailin's approach.

OP I think you are getting a hard time on here. Totally fine for your friend to say that she was unhappy with the CM, that her children didn't enjoy it etc, but I think that saying DC's are unsafe on trips is not on.

What does she say if you are her specifically which trips are not safe? This might be a good tactic in a public setting - If someone said dramatically that a trip was unsafe, and was then forced to elaborate that is was e.g. a trip to a forest, I would not take the complain as seriously.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 10:29:22

also, none of her advertised outings ever seemed to fall on my days, on my days my DS spent most his day strapped in her car while she did school/preschool etc pick ups and drops offs

On friend's DS's days they went to groups and parks etc - mine NEVER did!

were your DCs attending on the same days/trips? if not its very possible they had a very very different time!

and perhaps its not the fact it was a farm/forest etc, but how they got there or the way the particular age mix on that day was managed etc

complexnumber Wed 09-Jan-13 10:39:13

We had a similar great for one family not so great for us experience. A nanny adored by my colleague's family dumped my 2 year old on her cousin so she could go and do an extra job feeding someone's pets. My 2 year old was so upset she ran after the nanny, got lost and ended up walking home through a building site by herself. The nanny had never lost my colleague's kids but managed to lose mine the first week. I am still angry all these years later.

Like salad I believe favourites could be in play and like realcoalfire a good childminder/nanny will differentiate rather than adopt a one size fits all approach.

TryDrawing Wed 09-Jan-13 10:47:27

Your friend is out of order but probably feels bad for putting her son in childcare she considered to be unsuitable for him. I suspect she's trying to make herself feel better about this by blaming your CM.

My dd was at a nursery where she was not well looked after and I withdrew her. However, many of my friends have children at this nursery. They are happy with it and I think that's up to them. I've told them my experience, but I don't harp on about it like some kind of unbearable broken record. She's now with a CM who sounds just like yours and is thriving.

I think I'd be tempted to have a couple of phrases lined up to shut your friend's comments down and move the conversation on to something else. Something friendly but dismissive like

"I'm really pleased that you're now as happy with your childcare as I am with mine. Anyone decided on primary schools yet?"

"Gosh, you really do have a bee in your bonnet about this, don't you? <tinkly laugh> Did you see that new cafe's opened at..."

OwlLady Wed 09-Jan-13 10:47:36

I would just not engage in any discussion with her about it tbh.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 10:47:39

and I don't think mine was kept safe either

on one of his days it was just him and two 3YOs who were quite naughty when togeher (each were okay with DS when alone if the other wasn't attending). I know they picked on my (then not even walking age) DS but do not know to what extent this was allowed to get to sad

anyway, she didn't keep him safe IMO, friend's DS may never ever have been picked on/pinched/had hard bricks shoved down his nappy etc, but mine did. HER child may have been safe, but that CM IMO didn't keep all her mindees safe. And what can I do when I do not know the extent it got to? every incident on it's own seems innocent enough, its more the accumulation of incidence combined with my DS being unhappy plus her attitude which isn't something that you can make a good solid complaint about.

shesariver Wed 09-Jan-13 10:53:42

I would tell the CM and see what she wants to do about it, my DH is a CM and his business locally is very much based on recomendations, so his reputation is paramount. Something like this could affect her business. I would be interested in her specific complaints about safety - does she actually say what she believes is unsafe or is she a bit vague?

ilovesalad while I can see you are still upset I dont think you can criticise a CM for doing nursery and school drops offs and picks ups - this is part of a CMs job and will not take all day.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 10:58:26

shesariver the pick ups and drop offs were the only time my DS ever left her home

she advertised (and told me when I went to check her out) that she took mindees to the park, library, playgroups, countryside

My DS was there 2 days a week and NEVER did any of those outings, ever! The CM took a lot of short contracts on my days, so she was either out doing drop offs/pick ups or waiting in for a drop off/pick up

My friend's DS did do enjoyable outings, but mine didn't once get taken to anything meaningful. Not once. Considering that he was there for 2 days, and she advertised that she did outings and activites, I think I'm pretty justified in criticising her for filling two whole days in such a way that she could not leave either her car or home because of the drop offs/pick ups/short sessions she had taken on!

Keychain Wed 09-Jan-13 11:08:30

I know I am bias but I really don't feel favourites are in play. My neice and nephew use the same CM and another friends DC goes there, everyone else happy. Her DC was there when I would pick up my DS and I always observed her as happy and engaged. CM adjusts provision to suit all children and ensures that all children get to experience new things so will plan her week around teh children.
Friend has never been specific about 'safety' concerns, just saying how can a CM keep 3 children safe on a trip out to the beach for example. there were no incidents with friends DC. Her main issue was her child getting messy and conversely to some of the posts above the CM takes them out every day rain or shine.
I think she has every right to decide what is right for her child and what isn't. I don't think she has any right to criticise my choices or slag off a CM without providing either specific reasons or following a course of action. If she was unhappy and had genuine concerns go to Ofsted, but don't drag a CM's name through the mud and say they are unsafe (which is a serious allegation) without having something to back it up with. CM is honestly the nicest, sweetest person imaginable. I am an overprotective parent - I know that - I will only leave DC with GP's or CM, I trust no-one else.

harryhausen Wed 09-Jan-13 11:09:42

OP, I can really understand why this is upsetting for you. My dcs (now aged 8 and 5) have been going to an outstanding ofsted rated CM since they were around 8 months old. She used to do all the things with them that you describe your CM doing. She still has them after school for a few hours each week and takes them on trips in the holidays with a small gang of children all ages. It's so nice to be sat at my text and get a photo texted to me of them having fun at the beach.

When they were little I was the only one of my friends to choose a cm. everyone else chose a nursery. For a long while everytime me and my mums group got together they would slag off CM's in general, saying they'd seen this one, that one etc at a playgroup who were being awful to their mindees. I wouldn't say anything but I felt like it was a slight on me, my choices and my CM who I considered to be wonderful (and still do). It IS emotive.

Your friend has every 'right' to have had a different experience of your CM, but I would feel very uncomfortable with her slagging her off to me or in my circle. I think you should say simply "I'm sorry you don't like my CM. I disagree and don't feel the same. I feel really uncomfortable with you slagging her off to me. If you want to complain, would you mind talking to someone else not me? Perhaps discuss with OFSTED if you're this upset?". If she has any manners she will shut up - to you.

Ilovesalad, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience of a CM. I can feel your upset through your post. However, perhaps your perception of any CM is slightly coloured because of it. Only natural, but there ARE some great CM's out theresmile

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 11:13:00

"this is part of a CMs job"

they don't HAVE to take unlimited amt of drops/pick ups, If over a certain amt means that you cannot do any outside activity time on that day then they can say "no sorry I don't have time on that day for any more pick ups" - it wasn't just school open/close time, she did pick up from homes. She picked my friend's DS up from home in the mornings which was one of the reasons she loved her (so she could get ready for work and have a calm drive to work rather than having to drop off), but all the home pick ups and drops offs, on top of schools/preschools, plus the drops/pick ups at her flat were a major problem for me and she didn't disclose how the days I'd requested would be filled when I first visited her!

Keychain Wed 09-Jan-13 11:15:23

Ilovesalad I am sorry for your expereince really I am, but from you are saying I do think my CM is different.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 11:17:27

"but there ARE some great CM's out there"

of course there are smile
What I'm really trying to say is that that CM was a great CM for my friend's DS, on the days he went he was happy and taken on meaningful outings and there was a good relationship between CM and parents. And ABSOLUTELY SHOCKINGLY AWFUL with my DS

because the op thinks her friend is exaggerating and enjoying the drama, I'm trying (and probably failing cause I'm still a bit angry) is that maybe she's not! the OPs children's experience there is no gauge of another DC's experience.

I would "warn" anyone considering that CM about my DS's experience. I'm not stopping my friend from enthusiastically recommending her, and I don't think she has any right to stop me from sharing mine either IYKWIM

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 11:18:41

"but from you are saying I do think my CM is different"

I'm trying to say that mine was different for my friend and for me.

you haven't answered the question I asked, were your DCs attending for the same sessions?

Keychain Wed 09-Jan-13 11:22:35

sorry Ilovesalad, yes they were attending two of the same days out of the three my DS goes.

realcoalfire Wed 09-Jan-13 11:24:52

I Love salad- Dis you read my post! you are saying the same as me! The CM should have made adjustments to suit that child's needs.

Themobstersknife Wed 09-Jan-13 11:26:24

Salad - I really feel for what you have been through, but I am not sure this is helping OP. It sounds like a different scenario entirely. Please don't start sowing seeds of doubt in OP's mind when there would seem to be no evidence for that doubt.

OP - I do sympathise. I have a friend who criticsises my childcare decisions. She does this by stealth so very hard to call her on it, but I know she is having a dig. I think if your friend is being very vocal in your presence, you should be too. Just say something like - everyone's requirements for childcare are different. I think fresh air, forest trips, messy play are really important but I know other mums who would rather their kids were immaculate, not something that is important to me... Etc etc. When she talks about safety, I would say - oh have you reported her to Ofsted? I would be really interested to see your complaint?

But don't let her get to you. We have to make the choices we feel are right for our kids, and parents really shouldn't be criticising eachother, unless there is cause for a real concern, which it doesn't sound like there is here.

realcoalfire Wed 09-Jan-13 11:29:23

Have you asked her to elaborate on the ways her DC was not kept safe.i would certainly want to know, not just for the CMs sake but for my own Dcs sake!

Keychain Wed 09-Jan-13 11:39:18

Yes realcoal I have, she has only ever said that 'how can one CM keep 3 children safe at once', which to me is silly!

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 11:42:08

" but I am not sure this is helping OP. It sounds like a different scenario entirely."

well it depends on whether the OP wants to move along with the friendship doesn't it?, because if she's deciding that the differing opinions are down to exaggeration and enjoying drama then that is going to be a stumbling point in staying friends, whereas if she sees that two people can genuinely experience the same childcare setting in a very different way, and both are being honest about their very different experiences, then surely it'ld be easier to draw a line under it (but it would take the OP confronting the issue and making it clear to the friend that she doesn't wanna hear it personally)

OP this issue is going to re-occur! just wait till you start applying for schools, people feel very strongly about it and friends of yours will be shocked at your choices and feel very strongly perhaps that your choice of school is horrendous!.. then maybe if you use the afterschool club there'll be people who wouldn't touch that with a barge pole... this issues re-occurs with parent friends throught your kid's childhood with varying degrees and sometimes you'll hate a club or school someone else loves and vica verca. People really do see these things differently. Find a way to confront this that draws a line under it or get wound up by similar disagreements for the next 16ish years!

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 11:45:33

"Yes realcoal I have, she has only ever said that 'how can one CM keep 3 children safe at once', which to me is silly!"

its all in the context
in general of course a CM can keep 3 children safe
but in a different sentance, "how can one CM keep 3 children safe while doing X or at Y" then it's different?

for example, you can safely mind 3 kids, course you can, some families have 3+ children! but according to most swimming pools, one adult cannot keep 3 children safe in the pool, so there are activities which need a higher ratio

it really depends on the context

realcoalfire Wed 09-Jan-13 11:54:59

' according to most swimming pools, one adult cannot keep 3 children safe in the pool,'
but one spotty teenaged swimming instructor , can be trusted with 10 non swimming 3 yr olds.But that's for a whole other debate!

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 11:58:26

yeah I know hmm personally on the pool issue I think they should take ages into account, a mum with 3 spread out, where the oldest two can swim well, should be allowed a 1:3.. but that's a bit of a derail...

you can't take 3 littlies on a merry go round at once with one adult, that might be a better example.

the 3:1 thing depends on age mix and particular activity, it's a stupid thing to say in general, but in relation to a particular activity and age mix it might be true?

shesariver Wed 09-Jan-13 12:02:50

salad Im sorry you are still so upset, and it looked like you were annoyed because your child was in a car doing other pick ups, which is part of a cms job. It might have seemed a lot to you but she would only be allowed a certain amount of children at any 1 time. I hope you were able to speak to her about your worries at the time. My DH balances trips out against home based activiites, depending on different factors.

RingoBaa Wed 09-Jan-13 12:11:36

I think you should say what sugarice wrote.

I think salad should start her own thread.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 12:12:32

shesariver I don't think you read my last post
yes she was only allowed a certain amt at a time, but she took did a lot of short sessions, like 2 hours at a time, and did home pick ups and drop offs too so it WAS all day in a car or waiting in for a parent.

you really think a CM is "just doing her job" if for 2 of her working days she NEVER does outings. Was it okay that I went and said "do you have availablity on mondays and wednesdays and what outings do you do" and she says "yes, and I take mindees to the park, library, playgroups, countryside" when she knows full well that on mondays and wednesdays she will never be doing any outings at all?

you do not have to take on more pick ups than you can manage alongside other activites. She did home picks and drops too which she could have said no to without loosing the mindee. My friend who used her didn't NEED a home pick up and would have still used her without it, but she liked getting her DS picked up in the morning so she had a bit of childfree time at home to get herself ready for work IYKWIM

AmberLeaf Wed 09-Jan-13 12:31:51

OP YANBU at all.

ILoveSalad, I think you are projecting a bit too much on this thread!

I can see its still bothering you, maybe you should start a thread to rant on?

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 12:37:54

I don't see how it's projecting to demonstrate how 2 people can experience the same thing differently

I'm not saying the OP is wrong to like her CM, I don't think my friend was wrong to be happy with her DS's experience of our CM, I'm just saying that it's possible for someone else to hate same CM without either of them being wrong , they can both be right! and yes that applies to the friend too, she should also accept that the OP is sure that her children are happy there, I've never suggested that the OP is wrong to like the CM. I'm only trying to demonstrate that the friend isn't necessarily exaggerating and the CM might have been an awful place for her DCs.

Both need to accept that their own experiences are no gauge of the other one's experiences

I'm wondering how many on this thread have been through the school app process if this isn't a familiar theme??

shesariver Wed 09-Jan-13 12:41:33

But if she was in her house waiting for a parent as you say wasnt she doing activities then? I can recognise your upset and it is clear your old CMs routine did not suit you, which is fair enough. And i do agree that taking on too many pick ups will be unmanageable but I dont think outings are necessary every day as it happens, my DH does loads of activities in the home with his mindees depending on their age and capibilities, and it is a balance between educational activities and fun really.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 12:47:04

"But if she was in her house waiting for a parent as you say wasnt she doing activities then?"
no, not with my DS anyway. She did more with friend's DS but then again she liked him sad
it was very much one in one out, she backed to backed short contracts on our days, so once one lot were swapped at the door it'd be back in the car for another run to somewhere..
When I visited her she said that she teamed up with another CM and they went to each other's houses to socialise their mindees with each other, that never happened on my days either (dunno if it did on friend's days)

I never said that outings should happen every day, Complaining that advertised /promised outings NEVER happened is not expecting constant outings. that is really twisting my words

Tailtwister Wed 09-Jan-13 12:47:45

When we were looking at nurseries at the same time as our friends, we had a similar situation. We found a nursery we loved. Huge garden, loads of freedom, frequent trips out etc. Our friends hated it. They felt that some of the activities weren't suitable and under supervised (this was for pre-schoolers btw). They chose a nursery we hated. We found it sterile and a bit like the set of Teleltubbies (complete with fake grass!). They liked it for the same reasons we hated it.

I would just reiterate that you're very happy with your CM and if she has any serious issues she should be reporting them, not harping to you about it.

AmberLeaf Wed 09-Jan-13 13:10:41

ILoveSalad But I think this is more about the OP having concerns that her friend has gone from saying she didn't like the setting/activities to saying she uses unsafe practices?

I think its the defamation side of things that is worrying her.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 13:22:47

"ILoveSalad But I think this is more about the OP having concerns that her friend has gone from saying she didn't like the setting/activities to saying she uses unsafe practices?"

which is why I described how, at the time, I played down my concerns because TBH I didn't really wanna believe them myself, and it was only when DS was safely out and settled elsewhere that I admitted the worst of it!

badguider Wed 09-Jan-13 13:24:43

to the OP - i think your CM sounds great, if i were you then if your friend says anything negative about her experience in your earshot you should just pipe up with 'we love the CM, it's great for kids who like to be out and about in all weathers, but maybe doesn't suit those who don't like to get wet and muddy sometimes - smile' that way parents who hear your friend's comments have a more balanced picture.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Wed 09-Jan-13 13:26:15

I think its very common, in a lot of bad situations, to not really see how bad it was till its over and you look back on it. At the time you can make one excuse after the other and ignore your gut!

harryhausen Wed 09-Jan-13 13:30:40

Ilovesalad, I totally agree from all you've said that your CM was not at all good for your ds and she falsely advertised herself. I would be upset and angry too.

I have been the the school application process twice. It's true that people get really defensive and offensive about schools that aren't their choice. It's weird, but true. I try to avoid discussions about various schools at the mo as we're settled until senior school....however I would still feel annoyed and upset if a friend constantly slagged off my dcs school - especially if I'd asked her not to speak to me about it as I don't feel the same.

Even now if I hear a negative snippet about 'my' school from someone else it preys on my mind for a while.

TandB Wed 09-Jan-13 13:43:13

We had a not disimilar situation with DS1's first nursery. Some people (not really friends - more of acquaintances who we knew quite well if you know what I mean!) sent their daughter there about a year after DS1 started.

They always had complaints about various things and to be honest I was surprised they used that nursery - it was in an area where there were two very posh, expensive nurseries, and this one was neither posh nor expensive. But it was lovely and DS1 was very happy there, as were a friend's two children and a couple of other children we knew who had attended there. They were very into money and having the absolute best, so it was never going to end well.

They finished up taking her out and have never stopped whinging about the nursery and about one particular "horrible" child in particular who was apparently uppsetting their DD. Their daughter wasn't even in the same room as the other child who was much older and as far as I could tell they just saw him on pick up and drop off and took against him - he had some behavioural difficutlites which were very well managed by the nursery.

I just used to breezily say things like "how odd. We thought it was great and x andd y loved it too." and change the subject.

McNewPants2013 Wed 09-Jan-13 13:55:04

There is no need for children to come home dirty.

In DD nursery they got wellies, wet suit and aprons ect to keep the children clean and dry.

I really don't care how the dc come out of school/nursery and your childminder sounds fantatic

cumfy Wed 09-Jan-13 14:02:53

Salad well... I've been your friend

Amberleaf ILoveSalad, I think you are projecting a bit too much on this thread!

Wish I could work out which is true!grin

maddening Wed 09-Jan-13 14:58:30

The thing is - assuming she left her dc and did not attend the trips out how on earth does she know what safety was or was not observed?


And your childminder sounds fab (2 of mine went to a similar sounding childminder and she was fantastic).

If she is concerned about 3 kids on a beach then she's just bonkers really and if that's the complaint she is airing most people will just ignore it.

pingu2209 Wed 09-Jan-13 15:54:05

Personally I would not tell your CM - there is little she or you can do about your friend's opinions or the fact she is telling people about it.

What you can do is give a more balanced view to people about the CM. Give your opinions, how you feel she is great and all the things she does with the children.

People are not stupid, they will hear you and hear your friend, they will consider the facts and then visit the CM if they need childcare and make a judgement call themselves.

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