To not want to deal with DP anymore?

(109 Posts)
attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:34:17

MY DP has been out of work for over two years now. In Jan 2011 he was working in finance with a generous salary. but was made redundant as his boss wanted early retirement and closed the company.

In Feb 2011 dd was born and I am now 6 months pregnant with DC2 which is what we both wanted, we are delighted after trying for a year that I fell pregnant and feel very blessed.

I do a bit of book keeping in the evening when dd is in bed, but this pays only about £200 pcm. DP had a huge amount of savings and this is how we have managed to survive and pay the mortgage on his flat and live frugally for the past 2 years. (He had the flat before we met, we have been together for 5 years but not married - both fine with this.)

He has had job interviews (not many) but nothing has come of them. He is a wonderful man and father, but without a doubt, the type who waits for opportunities to come to him, rather than seeking them out.

I am now entering the third year of him unemployed and it is unbearable. He has been at home with me EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 2 years and it is stifling. I take dd to as many classes/groups as I can to give us space but he is depressed (although refuses to admit it) as he has nothing to get up for.

I have tried everything, GP. counsellor, life coach, friends, family getting involved - I even got him a temp job but he wants another high level corporate job and refuses to settle for anything less.

I have now reached the end of what I can do for him. He will not listen to me or our family and I am at my wits end. Our money is literally about to run out. I have no income to move into my own place to give him the kick up the ass that he needs and also don't want to take the children away from him as dd and soon to be dc2 is his only purpose and focus.

Every day he gets up late, goes online or reads, watches the lunchtime news and does nothing. I give him jobs to do and force him to take dd to soft play and out in the afternoon so he has a focus. He does go the gym regularly which is something but it is like living with a depressed man of retirement age. I now am struggling to keep smiling and am becoming so stressed worrying about the future for us as a family.

Returning to work is not an option until I've had the baby and even then I would not be able to earn what he did and I don't think as a SAHD he would take both children out regularly and give them the interaction they need.

I don't know what to do - it is literally a case of he refuses to work. He won't make any effort and whatever suggestion you throw at him to retrain, try a different career he rejects it and won't help himself. I love him but cannot live this life for any longer - it's really affecting my health and wellbeing.

Gumby Tue 08-Jan-13 14:38:23

Does he sign on? Is he on meds for depression?

ShamyFarrahCooper Tue 08-Jan-13 14:40:50

He is completely in a rut isn't he? It's such a horrid cycle though. You get so bored, you are too bored to do anything. He doesn't get to opt out though. He is a dad, you are fairly heavily pregnant.

If he gets up late, does he get up before/after your dd?
What about housework/childcare/cooking etc? Who does it?

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:42:13

No he doesn't sign on as we did have savings and he refuses to sign on now.

He won't even see the GP, let alone take any meds....

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:43:40

He does pull his fair share as I insist he does, but I don't want him doing cleaning, I want him happy and WORKING and out of the flat.

He sounds depressed. My DH has periods out of work and gets very bleak, the longer he has no work, the less inclined he gets to find some.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Is he actually being pro-ctive about finding this high level corporate job he wants?

You have my sympathy, it's horrid living with someone who is reluctantly un-employed and no way could I have tried for another baby with DH when he was like that.

Good luck and hope he pulls his finger out of his arse soon.

scarletforya Tue 08-Jan-13 14:47:14

he wants another high level corporate job and refuses to settle for anything less

Beggars can't be choosers. He's a passenger OP. You've given him fair warning and he refuses to listen, there's nothing more youn can really do.

StuntGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 14:50:20

What on earth were you both thinking just draining your savings dry like this? What were you thinking of getting pregnant again without a stable income? Did you not see this huge gaping problem looming on the horizon?

He refuses to sign on.
He refuses to get a job.
He refuses to go to interviews.
He refuses to see a GP.

Is there anything he does do?

You can't help those who won't help themselves. You need to start planning a strategy to care for yourself and your children without his help.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:51:11

Well, what can I do? I have no money and feel trapped. I have lost all respect for him and can't continue like this anymore.

He is doing nothing - every day he says the same things: "Job market is so tough". I am sick of hearing it, he won't retrain, he won't do anything.

He comes from a very entitled family and never had a pt job etc growing up and I suppose has always had opportunities handed to him on a plate.

BunFagFreddie Tue 08-Jan-13 14:53:15

This sounds very similar to when DP was made redundant from a company he was with for 17 years. He was basically shafted and it sounds as though your DP was.

Is there any chance of selling up, relocating to a cheaper area and buying somewhere outright? Then you aren't so reliant on finding such highly paid work and you won't be under the same pressure. It was the best decision we ever made.

Dahlen Tue 08-Jan-13 14:53:22

Have you spelled it out to him the way you have in your post to us? Is he aware that he is on the verge of making you ill and possibly losing you and the DC unless he get a job?

If you have, and it's still not working, then you either need to resign yourself to life being this way indefinitely, or you leave. You could try a temporary separation on the basis of needing some time apart from him and time to collect your thoughts about the future of your relationship. That doesn't commit you to the relationship being over, and leaves him something to work on, but does make it clear how serious this is.

Ultimately, while his depression is very understandable and I have a lot of sympathy for him, refusing to get a job unless it's one he deems up to his standards, is immature, selfish behaviour not befitting a man with a family to care for. Even a lowly job is better than none at all and it doesn't have to be forever, just until something better comes along. Depression is not an excuse for self-indulgence and selfish behaviour and never has been.

Hope you resolve things.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:56:11

Well, StuntGirl they were his savings in his name. I can't access his account and just take and hide them. it was his choice to run them down, I have asked and pleaded with him to work every day/week/hour but he will not.

I thought he would be working again, he kept promising he would.

I don't regret getting pregnant again in the slightest. My dd will have a sibling and as they are close(ish) in age together, eventually I will be able to have a career again when they are at school etc. If I have to bring them up together on my own, so be it, that doesn't scare me in the slightest.

TheSecondComing Tue 08-Jan-13 14:56:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:59:35

I have just applied for tax credits yesterday as it happens as all the savings have gone.

I applied in both of our names as I'm still living with him at the moment.

TheSecondComing Tue 08-Jan-13 15:08:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 15:08:31

If you're not afraid of raising them alone then I think you need to do that, even temporarily. You cannot help those who won't help themselves. If you have tried everything you've said on here you have two options, as Dahlen said "either...resign yourself to life being this way indefinitely, or you leave."

He has to get a job. And sign on until he gets that job. Even if your long term plan is that you return to work full time and he becomes a stay at home dad he must bring some money home in the mean time. You can hardly subsist on fresh air can you?

Can you increase your part time work at all in the short term?

Have you sat down with your budget with him and shown him in black and white, facts and figures the reality of your situation?

mistlethrush Tue 08-Jan-13 15:09:58

I can sympathise as DH was unemployed for 14 months at the beginning of the downturn - company went under and he didn't even get redundancy from them (probably still owed £20k). However, the difference is that, for the 6 months he got job seekers, he was submitting up to 20 applications a week for jobs. A minimum of 4 per week. These were not small applications either - sometimes the forms went to 20 pages. He was rejected by them all - either he had too much experience or was over qualified or there were so many candidates that one in an existing job was chosen.

He did get a job eventually - it was one that he could do standing on his head - but it got him back working. And it was only a temporary contract, but having had that one he got another - OK it was working away during the week, but again that was better than not working. From that he got another one that has now been extended 3x so that he's been working there 2 years rather than the expected 6 months. But it took networking, changing course and a lot of determination to get there.

I'm certain he was depressed during this time - its not surprising - but he still stuck at it and eventually got what he deserved.

He needs to realise that he needs to change tack and what he wants / expects is not necessarily going to fall in his lap (particularly if he's been out of work for so long). I think you need to take action and make it clear that he needs to sort himself out otherwise you're going to have to make other plans for you and your dc to ensure their future happiness.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 15:14:04

There is no point talking to him anymore. I have had over two years of talking, reasoning, pleading, crying, begging, shouting, bribary - nothing works.

As I said I even found him a job and he refused to do it saying he was too overqualified.

I suppose I don't know where to go from him. Apply for social housing for me and the children, before or after the baby is here? And then what will I survive on benefits? I have no savings and such a tiny income that I will struggle to work every night with a toddler and newborn especially if breastfeeding for at least the first couple of months, but if that's the only option so be it. I don't have any claim on his property.

RedHelenB Tue 08-Jan-13 15:19:55

I don't see how you can call him a passenger when it is his flat & his savings that have tied them over Scarlet

Could you sned his cv to some agencies that specialise in whatever it is he does?

Could you get a job - he would have to then cope with the childcare if you were earning the money plus it gives you the financial backup if you do decide to move out.

StuntGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 15:25:15

It sounds like you are, rightly, at the end of your tether.

Have you explicitly told him that his continuing selfish behaviour is making you question staying together? Would the thought of losing you and the children kick him into some kind of action? Or have you already laid those facts out for him?

If I were you I would start looking into what would happen if you leave. As far as I'm concerned you're only pre-empting the inevitable when the house is repossessed anyway. Better to make a pro-active decision now than be caught on the hop.

I think I would go for before the baby; I would want some degree of security before my baby arrived, rather than face no money and the possibility of losing my home after it's born. I'm sorry you're having to face these decisions.

maddening Tue 08-Jan-13 15:25:47

Sounds like he's buried his head.

Can you put together a cv with him and get it uploaded to all the sites and actively apply with/for him.

Get him to a careers advisor and see what refresh education is out there? As the finance world is moving on without him.

Is he prepared to go for lower salaried jobs?

Dahlen Tue 08-Jan-13 15:29:32

If you want to find out about what help you can get to set up home as a single parent, contact your local Citizens Advice and ask for an appointment with the benefits advisor. It's not easy but many women in your situation cope, and there's no reason to think you won't either. If nothing else, not having the stress of living with your DP but having the self-respect that comes from taking positive action about your situation will make it feel 10x better than what you're feeling right now.

maddening Tue 08-Jan-13 15:31:17

Saw that he is not happy to go for lower value jobs - maybe 2 yeara ago but now he has depleted his worth by being out of work for longer - if he had taken a lower job and he is worth more then he would have had the opportunity to work back up.

He definitely needs to have someone look at his skill set and job history to spell out his expectations now.

LaCiccolina Tue 08-Jan-13 15:33:51

I think very very sadly that unless you tell him how you feel nothing here will change.

All the suggestions are great, however if he doesn't know how close this is to his family falling apart then no suggestion will work.

Do you have a friend/family to stay with? I suggest you talk to him and if needs be leave for a short bit. He may go steeper down first. But this present situation can't continue.

See a lawyer, you may have claim on flat, you definately do on income as kids involved.

Best wishes. I'm so sorry.

Dirtymistress Tue 08-Jan-13 15:36:25

Can I ask why you decided to have another baby?

Iamsparklyknickers Tue 08-Jan-13 15:37:00

Would he consider having a look at jobs on people per hour or It might get him back in the swing of things so to speak.

Either way I think the other posters advice about protecting yourself is wise.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 15:59:58

DirtymistressTue 08-Jan-13 15:36:25
Can I ask why you decided to have another baby?

Because I love him, he is a wonderful father to our dd and she has brought us happiness and joy in abundance. We always wanted and agreed we would try for 2 children with a 2 year age gap and knowing it took me so long to try for dd1, I didn't want to wait for years and then try for another baby.

Other factors as previously outlined would be for me to return to work when they were both at school together so I could throw myself back into my career without having to take a long period of time out or come out and then go back in and then come back out again.

As it took a year to conceive dc2 I know we have made the right decision and feel so blessed to be pregnant again. DD having a sibling for the rest of her life outweighs anyother factors as I know one day I will have the earning capacity to support them both if that situation arises.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 16:01:42

Thanks for all the other suggestions. I'm not going to upload his CV or search for him anymore as it's too exhausting and makes no difference.

I think I will have one final chat with him and then book to see citizens advice and tell him I am doing this as there are no other options sadly left.

AThingInYourLife Tue 08-Jan-13 16:18:04

How much you love your partner is kind of beside the point when you are deciding to bring a child into a family where nobody works.

Your DP is longterm unemployed, and you work for pin money.

You are now pregnant and have a toddler and no way to look after either child.

You have both been unbelievably irresponsible.

Now you've spent all his money and got knocked up again you're off to get supported by the public purse.

You've had two years to get yourself a job. Why haven't you tried?

Why is he so lazy and you so virtuous?

At least he was spending his own money.

SantasENormaSnob Tue 08-Jan-13 16:28:30

Agree athing.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 16:31:44

Wow AThingInYourLife you sound angry and bitter and also very judgemental making wrong assumptions.

I do have a job, I work in the evenings after looking after my dd all day.

I haven't spent 'all his money at all' his savings and my small salary have enabled us to pay essential bills and feed ourselves. I'm not off 'shopping and spending his money' as you wrongly insinuate.You have no idea about our standard of living, what we compromise and budget on.

I've looked into working full time but the childcare costs wouldn't cover my salary - that's a problem just in case you're not aware.

Now, do run along back to your perfect life. Must be wonderful for you to have worked full time and afforded your children with no hardship or unforseen circumstances along the way...

You also say we are deciding to bring children into a family where no one works. We were both working when I was pregnant with dd1 and I am still working now, so do read the facts before wrongly judging (again).

MrsHoarder Tue 08-Jan-13 16:33:06

Why doesn't he look after his dd all day? And then you can work full time.

You will have a claim on his property, you've lived there for five years, two of which you have been earning the only income into the household, and you are the mother of his children and it is their home.
Get some proper legal advice, maybe throwing him out and you and the children living there will be the kick up the arse he needs to get him moving. They are his children too and they need him to provide for them somehow since you can't.

Dahlen Tue 08-Jan-13 16:38:35

Realistically speaking, no way is the OP going to get a job at 6 months pregnant.

Whether or not she's been irresponsible in conceiving another child is irrelevant. Point is, said child is on the way, and no judgement is going to alter that.

All that can be done now is look to the future and a solution for this mess. The time for reflection will come afterwards.

The OP's DP clearly cannot be relied upon to change anything and improve things, so it'd down to the OP to start building that solution herself.

Jobs in finance are very hard to come by, as most big employers have cut staff heavily. Would he be willing to sign up for some additional qualifications in areas like risk, compliance, controls, and new regulations? These areas are still recruiting, and the focus of study might be helpful to him.

In the meantime have a look at temping work, as he will get a better hourly rate contracting than in a full time role. Many employers are relying on contract staff at the moment to keep their salary costs manageable in the short term rather than committing to more permanent staff. One advantage of temp work is it can be a toe in the door and lead to a permanent role. Also, if you are good your boss may well recommend you to a friend who is recruiting full time staff in another company. Contacts are very important in business.

Good luck.

minouminou Tue 08-Jan-13 16:43:50

Good advice there, Worsester.

DontmindifIdo Tue 08-Jan-13 16:44:12

Why can't you work now? Why can't you sign on to temp agencies to at least bring a little extra into the family income between now and having the baby? He's at home, so you dont have childcare issues if you get an odd day here and there.

You need to stop acting like it's all his fault for not providing you with the situation you wanted, you deal with the one you've got, your decision to have 2 DCs with a 2 year gap was perfectly reasonable when you first took it when he was working, when he was unemployed, you were then a family in a bad situation, you apear to have decided you are entitled to carry on your life plan and are just angry he's not enabling you to do that.

You need to stop blaming your DP entirely for this situation, it is equally of your making - you haven't looked for a full time job either.

Now, you are in a shitty situation, ways you can fix this include you could a) try to sit him down and ask him what does he think is going to happen in X months time when the money runs out and could you start planning together for it, tell him you don't think it's entirely his responsibility, but you need to get a plan together and waiting for the flat to be repossessed isn't a plan. b)get to citizens advice, look at leaving him (which does look grabby, you waited until the money ran out!) c) agree with him, the job market for his old job is bad, so he's either goign to be unemployed for the rest of his life or he's goingto have to get a different job, and what does want to do (saying that nothing is not an option).

The job market is a lot better now than it was in 2011, however he's not worked in a long time, he needs to accept that he won't walk back into a job at the level he walked out. You also need to accept this. You might need to work too once you've had DC2.

ll31 Tue 08-Jan-13 16:44:22

In fairness to athing you're only earning 200 per month so her point is relevant tbh. .. I think tho the fact that u both 'wilfully' went thru all savings, without any kind of plan would get to me while simultaneously making every effort to get pregnant. .. it just seems reckless .. but maybe you leaving will get dp to see he must make effort. ..

AThingInYourLife Tue 08-Jan-13 16:49:29

You decided to continue with you plan for a 2 year gap between children despite the fact that neither of you was working

Evening work that brings in £200pcm is a second job.

Except neither of you had a first job.

How much you scrimped is irrelevant - between you you have blown through all his money while neither of you worked

Either of you could have tried to get a job. Neither of you did.

Why didn't you look for work and leave him to look after his daughter?

It's bullshit that you couldn't earn more than childcare - your childcare was free. Her father has been sitting around doing fuck all for two years - he could have looked after her.

You really need to cop the fuck on. You are in a disastrous situation entirely of your own making and your on here bellyaching about feeling "trapped" FFS.

You chose this.

And you are still planning to stay off work for another 4 years!


MonetsGardens Tue 08-Jan-13 16:50:30

I'm not sure why he is getting all the blame tbh. You had 2 children with neither of you having a stable job. You frittered away all of his savings whilst living in his flat. And now the moneys running out, all of a sudden it's just HIM who is in the wrong?
How many jobs have YOU applied for - if he's not working childcare isn't an issue surely?

And this thread is not going to go well for you unless you lose the snippy attitude. If you want to fix things, then you need to face some harsh realities

DontmindifIdo Tue 08-Jan-13 16:51:05

I don't see that the OP would have a claim on the property, if he pre-owned the flat and he paid all the mortgage from his savings, then she's not contributed, if her wages went into a joint account then maybe, but still, having DCs with someone you aren't married too doesn't give you a claim on their assets if you've not contributed to paying for them, only a claim for maintenance on their income, which is none. Even if he was still using savings to live, she wouldn't have a claim on that money.

justmatureenough2bdad Tue 08-Jan-13 16:51:37

this may not be the right thing to say, but if you accept that he is depressed, then I think you are being a bit is an illness and can be very difficult to deal with as, as you have said he won't recognise it like he might a physical illness.....if he had broken his spine (randon long-term injury) and had been unable to work for 2 years, would you be as dismissive?

again, this may be old-fashioned, but (assuming you are married) consider the vow "in sickness and in health"...if you loved him, you would keep trying...perhaps the answer is not just to try and send him off to help; perhaps he would value you there at hi side as he tries to cope with a massive smack to his self-confidence and he needs you to help him rebuild that.

i was rather ^ ^ at this "I am now entering the third year of him unemployed and it is unbearable. He has been at home with me EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 2 years and it is stifling. ".....this is not complimentary of your relationship!

sorry for rambling a bit, hope it makes sense

QuickLookBusy Tue 08-Jan-13 16:52:02

We do you need child are if your partner is at home all dayconfused

You are complaining a lot about him, but I think you could have just as easily have got a job, then you would have the choice as to wether or not to stay with him.

If I were you I'd have your baby then start looking for a job which will pay you more money. I would then leave the dc with your partner.

Emsmaman Tue 08-Jan-13 16:52:39

FWIW I got temp work at 5 months pregnant (end 2010 so bad job market then too), worked through until 5 weeks before DD's due date, same company would have had me working up till due date but I couldn't do the 2 hrs + commuting each day comfortably. So being 6 months pregnant doesn't automatically mean you can't find work, if a normal healthy pregnancy.

QuickLookBusy Tue 08-Jan-13 16:53:15


CheeseandPickledOnion Tue 08-Jan-13 16:58:11

Actually thing pretty much has it here.

You don't need child care costs, he can do the child care if he won't get off his arse. Then you can work full time, ok not for the same salary, but then you won't be on benifits and skint will you?

Say all you want, you both chose to get pregnant again knowing he DIDN'T HAVE A JOB and you earn fuck all. That is irresponsible so don't moan about the situation now, it's hasn't changed from when you decided to get pregnant again.

Either kick him out, get out yourself, or get a full time job. There, 3 choices.

Proudnscary Tue 08-Jan-13 16:58:43

Sorry really can't get past you getting pregnant. Whether or not it was 'what you both wanted' it was crazy. If you weren't pregnant you could get a job and support the family.

Your husband is horribly irresponsible (and yes probably depressed) if he expects only another high powered job. My dh has always, always said he would shelf stack in Tesco's if we lost our jobs. He means it.

Proudnscary Tue 08-Jan-13 16:59:56

And yes you could take temp work for God's sake.

This really makes me mad actually.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 08-Jan-13 17:07:33

We always decided that if my dh lost his job we would both apply for full time jobs and the first one to get one would be the one to work at that time. If i had been the one to get the job my dh would have carried on looking for work because he has greater earning potential than me and also needs the mental stimulation.

Personally i think that's what you should have done. Bit late now of course because you are heavily pregnant and i know from personal experience that its incredibly hard to get a full time job whilst expecting.

Its not right in my opinion that all the responsibility has been on him these last couple of years to get work. Im sure he's perfectly capable of looking after your child while you worked, even if it were just temporary. If being a stay at home parent isn't something he finds easy then that may have even given him the kick up the bum to get a job and for you to swap roles back again.

Depression and motivation when out of work is a nightmare and so hard to get out of. I have a lot of sympathy for him.

Also, you really should have some financial security in your relationship, such as your name on the property, marriage etc. Otherwise you could be together 20 years and walk away with nothing. Not a good position at all.

Proudnscary Tue 08-Jan-13 17:20:42

Talk about dragging feminism back into the dark ages. Why has the onus been on him to get a job? You are both parents, you both have a child, you both can work.

I work FT, my dh was SAHD for years - well still is but has his own business too. That was the way it worked out as he wanted to leave his job about 8 years ago, so we made it happen, I worked blooming hard and have a great career. We had kids when it was the right time and when we had the money!

He was at home, you could have found a job too. As fuckledoodlepoo says you could have seen who got a job first.

HollyBerryBush Tue 08-Jan-13 17:27:41

Round of applause for AThingInYourLife

The first thing that crossed my mind was, you liked him enough when he had a big salary, and you have co-spent his money, now he's just annoying you. You haven't given his age, but if he's over 40 he'll find it hard to get a job at the same level. Good enough to father your children but just not good enough when he's earning.

So why haven't YOU increased your book keeping job and stepped up to the mark?

Get a backbone and earn to keep yourself. It's you that is the passenger in this relationship.

letseatgrandma Tue 08-Jan-13 17:36:54

Why on earth did you get pregnant on purpose?!

Sounds to me like neither of you really wanted to get a full time job but you knew the money was running out so have put yourself out of danger of being the one that has to get a proper job. Earning £200 a month in the evenings was never going to pay all the bills.

NoToast Tue 08-Jan-13 17:41:18

My DP is pretty much the same, it's driving me nuts and is the reason we're not having a second child (although in our case I work and have the house and savings)...I'm waiting for a good solution on here!

Good luck op.

SarahWarahWoo Tue 08-Jan-13 17:53:45

You have my sympathy, something has to change. Can you get a few hours of child care arranged to take him out or a drink (coffee or something stronger) on neutral territory to ask him frankly in a non accusatory way what is his plan is? If he hasn't got one ask him to come back to you with one. The money is gone, he isn't signing on, he isn't actively applying for jobs so what next?

FutTheShuckUp Tue 08-Jan-13 18:07:42

No sympathy here im afraid not when people dont help themselves like the OP and her partner

FutTheShuckUp Tue 08-Jan-13 18:08:34

Can I ask OP why you havent considered working full time?

LineRunner Tue 08-Jan-13 18:34:26

OP, it seems to me that you have the following options:

1. You work full-time and leave the childcare to DP. You will then have to let him get on with it, his way, to a large extent.

2. You leave DP and bring the DCs up on your own, working full- or part-time and claiming tax credits and other available help. (At some point he would have to work, surely, if he has no money left, and you can claim child support from him, or maybe return to him.)

3. You somehow persuade DP to look for and get a job, in the near future.

You seem to be ruling out 3, as that's why you posted on here, so you kind of have to choose between 1 and 2. Your heart appears to be ruling out 2, so you are left with 1. But you don't like 1, because you don't think he'll do it properly. So it's back to 2.

Good luck.

grobagsforever Tue 08-Jan-13 21:35:15

Good Lord. Speechless. How irresponsible.

PanickingIdiot Wed 09-Jan-13 11:13:04

Unlike some other posters I understand why you both wanted the second baby and don't see anything fundamentally wrong with that decision - surely neither of you expected your partner's unemployment to be anything but temporary and in the grand scheme of things the timing made sense - fair enough.

BUT, there's a lot of truth in what people are saying about both of you having equal responsibility to work and provide for your children, either by earning a living or by raising the kids. It looks like you do most of the child-raising and also a little bit of the money-earning, while he does zilch.

I would sit him down and tell him he has to start pulling his weight: either he gets a job asap, or you are, and he's staying at home and does the childcare so you can work proper hours for a proper wage. This will either give him the kick in the arse he needs to step up his jobseeking efforts, or, if he's such a great dad, I don't see how he can't look after his own children while you go back to work after maternity leave (or equivalent). I found your comment about him not being able to give the kids the interaction they need baffling, to be honest. Why on earth not? He has nothing else to do all day! He may also realise that it makes more sense for him to work rather than you if he really can command a higher salary, but the point is, he has to start doing SOMETHING, and so do you.

Good luck.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 11:37:40

"surely neither of you expected your partner's unemployment to be anything but temporary"

On what basis could they expect a man who had been unemployed for a year and a half and who wasn't making any effort to find work to suddenly land a job?

He was made redundant 2 years ago. She's 6 months pregnant.

StuntGirl Wed 09-Jan-13 11:59:15

I commented on the fact he needed to get a job based off their current situation; while finding employment at 6 months pregnant isn't impossible it is likely difficult.

I wholeheartedly agree with everyone else though that there was absolutely no reason why, over the last 2 years you haven't got a job yourself. Bookkeeping is hardly a simple job either, it's one in fairly decent demand and requires specialist skills - which you have. You could have been earning yourself and alleviating some of the financial problems here.

PanickingIdiot Wed 09-Jan-13 12:07:00

AThing - fair enough. I probably would have agreed to the second kid only on condition that he gets a job (any job) first. It seems to me that the problem is his attitude, not the job market or the economy - he's well qualified and had a decent career before, so it's not unreasonable to think he won't be unemployed very long unless he wants to be.

Mumsyblouse Wed 09-Jan-13 12:15:26

We always decided that if my dh lost his job we would both apply for full time jobs and the first one to get one would be the one to work at that time.

This is exactly what happened to us, my husband lost his job, we both looked for jobs, I got the first one and I went back to work when my 2nd child was about 6 months old. You can't apply when 6 months pregnant (well you can but hard to get work in that situation) but you could in another 3/4 months and go back early.

I know it's not what you want, I didn't want to be the breadwinner either, but needs must, plus my husband did get work eventually and I love working so don't want to stop either.

EldritchCleavage Wed 09-Jan-13 12:23:54

Some of the posts on this thread make a lot of sense but have been put in unnecessarily harsh terms, I have to say.

OP, I completely agree with LineRunner. And if your DP is so depressed that you feel he is not capable of looking after your children, then you have to go it alone.

I do understand you finding it hard that your DP has acted as he has, but disagree that you should put it all down to depression and act accordingly. HE has a responsibility to himself and above all your child(ren) to do what it takes to get better, and he isn't.

Nevertheless, you got into this current pass together, and whatever you choose to do will be a lot easier for you if you manage to get over your resentment with him.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 12:24:30

when i first got pregnant, then P and I were both working, he lost his job (hes a dick), so i was the one earning, eventually he got a job, and i stopped working after DD was born, OP, if he didnt want to get a job in those 2 years, you could have.

Im afraid i agree with Thing and DontmindifIdo. You are blaming it all on him. You are equally as responsible and should be looking for a full time job too. It is a difficult job market which is why you should both be trying until one of you has some luck.

honeytea Wed 09-Jan-13 12:46:41

I don't understand why you would have childcare costs if you worked full time because your DP the children's father would be at home and able to look after them. You said yourself he is a wonderful father, a wonderful father is in my opinion able to keep a small child entertained and safe whilst the mother works.

you are adding to the situation by looking to him to find a solution to the job issues, you are both able adults you can both look for work.

By deciding to have DC2 in a situation where the family income is 200 pounds for 4 people you have made the decision to accept that. It is all very well to want a certian age gap or a sibling for your child but if there is not enough money to feed and house a family then another child really isn't a good idea.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 12:49:32

Also, with just £200 to support 4, your gonna have to bite the bullet and claim benefits, you cant support 2 kids on love.

Bobyan Wed 09-Jan-13 14:40:05

You have both been totally irresponsible.
I have much sympathy for your children, having two parents with such a sense of entitlement and no sense of their responsibility. Poor baby.

vintagewarrior Wed 09-Jan-13 14:46:10

We'd all love another baby, but some of us don't get pregnant when we can't afford it, then claim tax credits. You both sound lazy & entitled to me.
Get a grip.

Feminine Wed 09-Jan-13 14:58:15

I think op thought her partner would get a job, she hoped he would.

She probably thought h would 'fix' it...he has let her down.

I can understand the pregnancy, ticking clocks and wanting to nurture a family are powerful feelings. Its the kind of situation where (IMO) op thought the next day would bring better things...only it never did.

We all have a breaking point, a point where positive thinking wears then. I suspect this is what has happened here.

For a while things are cloudy ...then they are not. That is why this post came about.

op I have no advice but YANBU , you are stuck between a rock and a hard place it seems. Try and get your DP to see a doctor though, its only fair to eliminate medical reasons.


chubbychipmonk Wed 09-Jan-13 16:20:23

Just wanted to send you a big hug & let you know that I have been in the same position and posted a thread on here very recently about it.

My DH was made redundant and was out of work for 2 years, during this time I became pregnant, worked full time & he became the SAHD.

It was a horrible, hugely frustrating time for me as like you I wanted him to just get out and get a job but he was very adamant there was no point in him getting a job at minimum wage to then have to pay for child care. We also had savings which payed the bills & it was only really when these weeks about to run out that he stepped up a gear on the job searching.

Much as he was a great SAHD, and did his share of the housework etc I HATED the fact he was always in the house, got to stay at home & that I never got any time to myself, that alone is a huge strain. He did however sign on so at least took responsibility there. He has since got a job & I can honestly say I don't miss him when he's out at work one bit, it's not healthy to have someone living under your feet.

Just really wanted to give you a hug & tell you that your not the only one going through this or who has been through this, I know it gets hard to ever see any light at the end of the tunnel however you'll get there.

That being said however I do agree with other posters that he doesn't really seem to be pulling his weight, if he's not willing to see GP about depression, or willing to sign on or willing to really step up to the plate with regard to child care, housework etc then maybe it's time he had a reality check coz there's gonna surely come a point when you finally snap.

Good luck x

sarahtigh Wed 09-Jan-13 16:36:19

While I feel very sorry for OP depression is not that easy to deal with either for sufferer or partner, being unwilling to get treatment is both part of the illness and part of the ongoing problem

but upthread someone gave bad advice saying you would have claim on flat you will not as not only did he own it pre- relationship his savings have been paying mortgage/ bills

she would have a claim to maintenance for children but not herself and as he is not working that is going to amount to £0 or maybe £5 off his benefits per week

you could offer an ultimatum but you have to really really mean it and of course you can only so it once

he could be SAHD but you do not want that but maybe he would that needs discussion, it is up to him to parent not to parent the way you want him to, parenting is a joint thing you do not have the veto card, however ou are both in a bad place and I sympathise with you both

attheendnow Wed 09-Jan-13 16:55:14

Thanks for all the responses so far, it's been really interesting to read all the different views on this.

AThingInYourLife - you come across as a thoroughly spiteful individual and I'm not going to respond to any of your points as you haven't clearly haven't read the thread properly and again are making wrong assumptions.

I hope you are never in a situation where you are told it is unlikely you are able to have children, but those who have will understand the desire for another child within a certain time frame and the panic of feeling 'against the clock'. Like I said I feel totally blessed that I am pregnant and am thankful for that.

One can spend their life waiting for circumstances to change, to get the perfect job, house etc then try and conceive but possibly by then it is too late...(I'll await all the right wing comments assuming we then must be feckless spongers that intend to carry on breeding and scrounge off the state for the rest of our lives.)

The insinuation that he was good enough when he was earning money and good enough to be used to father my children is grossly offensive.

You have no idea who got him to change his career and got him his job in finance in the first place, who tutored him through certain exams, who set him up with contacts and pushed for that job to be a reality - it was me. You have no idea what type of career he or I was doing when we met, what our agreement was regarding our life plan, who would be the provider and who would take on other responsibilites.

The argument that I should work full time is of course reasonable but this is a situation where someone sadly does not WANT to work, not can't work, God forbid he was ill or sick and that wasn't a possibility it would be a different situation, but this is a fit and healthy man. Again, you have no idea about the type of temporary jobs I have found him and attempted to secure for him - all are rejected.

Let's look at it very simply...say for example you and your partner have an agreement about the cleaning or cooking in your home. One day he doesn't do anymore cleaning, he refuses to do it and then is no valid reason to explain why. Why should YOU then have to do it all on top of what you already do? What is that teaching him that you will take the ultimate responsibility for him, because he just doesn't want to clean?

Anyway, thanks again for all the responses.

StuntGirl Wed 09-Jan-13 17:01:08

But why should he automatically be the breadwinner? You are clearly perfectly able of working yourself, and during a recession when work is scarce anyway between the two of you you should have tried to do whatever it takes to earn money, even if that means you being the one who earns a wage.

I don't think athing has been spiteful at all, I think she's just stating the truth very plainly and bluntly.

Bobyan Wed 09-Jan-13 17:04:20

Spiteful = truthful

riverboat Wed 09-Jan-13 17:05:59

OP, maybe the fact that the savings have now run out will provide a new impetus for him to sort himself out? What does he actually SAY when you point out that there is no money left?

If even this sorry state of affairs shows no sign of having an impact on him, I think you have to look into working yourself as soon as possible - possibly temp work or increased home-based bookkeeping before arrival of baby, and definitely seeking out FT work afterwards. Where I live it is entirely normal for women to go back to work 3 months or less after pregnancy. And you have free childcare which you don't view as perfect enough, yet your impending situation is going to be far from perfect whichever way you cut it.

MrsHoarder Wed 09-Jan-13 17:16:55

No-one has said you should have waited for the perfect job and home, just that you should have ensured before getting pregnant that you had some form of family income (as well as a roof over your heads, but that's sorted for now).

So you pushed him into finance. Is that what he wanted to do or did he follow the path of least resistance? Has he been hoping that you would take the hint and go back to work and let him be a SAHD? Obviously you need to talk about this with him, but you can't use his failure to find work as an excuse for not going out to get full time work yourself.

Life plan agreements aren't set in stone to be blundered along with blindly in spite of unexpected circumstances.

Mollydoggerson Wed 09-Jan-13 17:31:01

OP you need to take responsibility for yourself and your choices.

My DH and I have been together a while. We have had agreements about division of labour. These are not set in stone, however. Having said your DP would be the breadwinner years ago, now he isn't. Firstly, I would have said to DH, "OK so you don't want to work, you do the childcare". Well, there would be more discussion than that but you see what I mean. i wouldn't just sit around for two years waiting for him to do anything. This is a partnership, he has to set up and do something. But not necessarily the same thing he agreed to years before.

WinterWinds Wed 09-Jan-13 18:00:28

Athing has only told the truth, i dont see anything that has been written that could be regarded as spiteful, Maybe thats the problem, the truth hurts??

Also agree with Molly you need to responsibility for your own actions

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Wed 09-Jan-13 18:02:10

I think AThing is pretty right. You are and have been just as feckless as him.

By all means go to citizens advice but the best thing to do would be stop job hunting for him and start job hunting for you.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with AThingInYourLife, her posts may come across as rather blunt but they are true.

You could, whilst trying to get pregnant, have been looking for work and your partner could have watched your child (whilst not bothering to job hunt). You can't force him to get a job but you could have taken control of the situation, handed him some responsibility (father, childcare) and got some income coming in in the form of a job. Then you could have worked, taken maternity leave, etc, all the while assessing as things go on, who would be doing the childcare, working when, etc.

I have one child. I only have one because I let my practical side overrule my hormones. I would have loved to have had a sibling for DS but was in a struggling relationship and had financial worries so I didn't.

Deliberately bringing a second child into a household where neither of you have enough income to pay the bills is extremely irresponsible.

Hydrophilic Wed 09-Jan-13 18:10:06

I don't understand what you have all been doing in the house together for TWO years? Yes, you may have had an agreement but things have changed.

I'm really struggling to see how, with him at home, you havn't increased your hours to cover some of the outgoings. If he used to work in finances, surely he can see that living on your savings is not a good idea.

Athing has it spot on. OP, you should have got yourself a job, not lived off savings. You should have and still be looking for work. I worked from 5 months pregnant to the day before my due date because we needed the money.

It's not rocket science is it?

CloudsAndTrees Wed 09-Jan-13 18:29:38

I agree completely with AThing.

Home truths might hurt OP, but sometimes that's the problem with the truth. This situation is as much your making as his, even if you don't want to see it. He is being lazy and not looking for work, and you have been doing exactly the same thing, and what's worse is that you say you are going to continue doing it for the next 4/5 years! You really aren't much better than he is.

EuroShagmore Wed 09-Jan-13 18:47:33

There are home truths on this thread and some blunt speaking, but no spite that I can see, and I agree with much of what has been posted.

Fortunately for you (less so for the poor sods who are working hard to pay the taxes to fund benefits) you will probably be entitled to benefits that will help you get by. Personally I think they should help you for the next 6 months, until the new baby will be 3 months old, and then you should be looking for work if your husband won't (I know a number of working mothers who have taken 3 month's maternity because that is all they could afford, so I think it would be reasonable to expect that of the OP).

OP's last post is erm... interesting. She sounds a bit intransigent with a v simplistic view of the situation.

It would surely be easier for her to work full time supported by a SAHD than leave him, and have to try and juggle working around caring for two kids on her own (unless she'd prefer HIM to be the resident parent to whom she pays maintenance?)

Euphemia Wed 09-Jan-13 18:59:48

What a pair! I can't believe you've both spent two years waiting for a well-paid job to fall out of the sky!

Woman up and get some work!

maddening Wed 09-Jan-13 19:01:16

You still have not answered the question of why during the last 2 years you have not BOTH been looking for work. Is there something beyond "the life plan" that is stopping you from working.

What you both did before is irrelevant as is how you got your husband a job.

When he was made redundant, which is why you're in this position, is when your attempts to find work becomes relevant. Maybe the first few months but at a certain point you should have joined the job hunt - unless there is a physical reason you could not find work.

What to do now is far more difficult - your dh's state of mind and his job prospects have suffered and you both need a serious discussion and he needs to speak to a gp and a careers counsellor. You need to develop a plan and commit to it.

maddening Wed 09-Jan-13 19:02:13

Ps walking out will not make it better. You need to work as a team while it is still salvageable.

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Jan-13 19:24:15

I think AThingInYourLife was spot on to be honest.

Truthful and spiteful are two completely different things OP.

chubbychipmonk Wed 09-Jan-13 19:27:05

As per my last post I do have sympathy for OP as its a horrible situation to be in. . .

However when I WAS in that situation I upped my hours from part time to full time, DH was the SAHD while he looked for work. & I spend my nights wrapping up things to sell on eBay and my days off either at the post office posting eBay parcels or taking clothes to cash for clothes . . . Literally every penny helped! . . . All whilst being pregnant!

Have to say I do agree with a lot of the posts (harsh as they are to hear) that the OP really should be jumping on the job hunting bandwagon also!

HappyNewHissy Wed 09-Jan-13 19:32:09

"You have no idea who got him to change his career and got him his job in finance in the first place, who tutored him through certain exams, who set him up with contacts and pushed for that job to be a reality - it was me. You have no idea what type of career he or I was doing when we met, what our agreement was regarding our life plan, who would be the provider and who would take on other responsibilites. "


"...Again, you have no idea about the type of temporary jobs I have found him and attempted to secure for him - all are rejected"

So basically this guy has ALWAYS done FUCK ALL then? You got with him and fashioned him into the kind of man you wanted him to be.

and he went along with it.

Has it not occurred to you that you dragged him way out of his natural habit of the pretty poor?

This man has no gumption, no drive, ambition, spunk.

.. Well actually that's not strictly true, but not the right kind of spunk that gets him off his arse to help the family.

You could and should have got a job, that's what everyone round here woud do. I know of two highly educated men that have been made redundant and have thrown themselves into SAHD when the wife gor the job first. Of course the women would prefer to be SAHMs, but NEEDS MUST.

There is no poinmt you getting at AThing, she's bang on right, and you can see that most agree with her sentiment, if not her wording.

This is AIBU, and you AND your feckless P ARE BOTH U. Thank your lucky stars you're in a country that does have national health, benefits and credits.

Sort it out, sort yourself out. He'll never sort himself out, you have yourself a moneypit with that one.

He showed you what he was when you met. That's still him.

TandB Wed 09-Jan-13 19:53:48

It's a bugger when things don't work out the way you thought they would.

But most people are able to pick themselves up and get on with it. Things change. You can't just dig your heels in and say "but this isn't what I signed up for." Families deal with life-changing situations all the time - people lose jobs, become bankrupt, become ill, disabled, people die. If you aren't willing to change your life plan according to the hand you are dealt, you are in for a rough ride and probably, ultimately, a lot of bitterness and regret.

You've had 2 years to come up with a plan B and you don't seem to have made any attempt to alter your own plans or expectations to fit in with the big change that his redundancy made to the family. I find your more recent long post really troubling because you effectively say "well I could get a job but why should I when he is just choosing not to?" The reason you should is because you are a family - if one member is struggling (and if he is depressed then yes, he is struggling) then it is up to the others to pick up the slack.

I really struggle to understand why you've continued to rely upon him when he is clearly not in a position to be relied upon, whether through illness or through deliberate stubbornness. You are clearly capable of working - you need to start thinking of yourself as someone with equal choices and responsibility for the family finances.

If you leave him, you are going to be in a worse position - you will have two children, no child support and no realistic chance of working due to childcare costs. If you stay with him and take over the role of the main breadwinner, then you have childcare covered so all your income can go towards the family pot.

If you really want to leave him, of course, that is a different matter. But to walk out on someone because you aren't able to get your head round the fact that your circumstances have changed, seems a bit daft to me. You either want to be with him or you don't. But for goodness sake, don't make that decision based on the life you thought you were going to have in terms of money.

Adversecamber Wed 09-Jan-13 20:18:38

I am more worried that the one time in his life he did do something you coached him and pulled strings for him.

He may be depressed or he may actually just be incredibly lazy, some people are. SIL has had three men she has tried to mould in to what she wanted, it didn't work and was a disaster every time.

TandB Wed 09-Jan-13 20:34:16

It is also entirely possible that the DP was never cut out for a high-flying job of that sort. His depression might be a symptom of having tried to be something he isn't, and having failed at it.

RedHelenB Wed 09-Jan-13 20:53:00

It seems you are really good at finding possible work for your dp so hopefully you will be able to use these skills in finding something suitable for yourself. I hope it all works out but the only person you can rely on in life is yourself - harsh but true!

LingDiLong Wed 09-Jan-13 20:57:39

I'm afraid I'm another one who agrees with AThing. And yes, I've read and digested all your posts. I understand your frustrations with your DP but you both sound like 'passengers' in your own lives, neither one willing to take the driving seat. Haven't you ever even discussed you going out to work and him taking on the childcare full time - at least til he finds a job? My preference is to stay at home with the kids and that is certainly our 'plan' but when my DH had to quit a job unexpectedly (due to bullying) a while ago, we both were terrified at the prospect of no income and BOTH looked for work. Just because your DH was the breadwinner previously it doesn't mean you can abdicate all responsibility for earning any money.

DontmindifIdo Wed 09-Jan-13 20:59:31

so you were able to get him in to a career, coach hm, push him etc, but not do these things for yourself? What if you treated yourself as your project, not him? Could you have achieved the same?

Re your example of cooking and cleaning, if one partner refused to clean anymore, you could do it yourself but then refuse to cook so they'd have to do it. You didn't need to give up being a SAHM to being a 'fulltime working outside the home single mother juggling childcare and work' - you could have completely swapped roles. You are refusing to accept things haven't turned out the way you want.

Leaving and finding your own flat and supporting yourself is an option. Doing nothing isn't.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 22:03:37

Great post, kungfu.

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 22:15:37

AThing was not spiteful, she was truthful. Truth hurts. Read this thread again tomorrow with a fresh head OP, and really hear what posters - an overwhelming majority - are saying to you.

HappyNewHissy Wed 09-Jan-13 22:36:16


Mumsnet: YABU

OP: you're all soooo MEAN!

3smellysocks Wed 09-Jan-13 23:01:06

Athing. Her DH isn't into the child caring and so clearly wouldn't be the best SAHD at the moment. Also he is clearly depressed.

In your shoes I'd take DH down and sign on with him. Also make a GP appointment for him and go with him to discuss the depression.

I know you are looking after the kids during the day but is there anyway you could take on a bit more book keeping?

Also ask him to apply for a few jobs a week.

MrsBonkers Wed 09-Jan-13 23:11:41

I'd like a second child and the clock is ticking......
We can't afford it.
Shall I just get pregnant anyway???

NO, because that would be irressponsible!

Just hope we can afford it before its too late.

MysteriousHamster Wed 09-Jan-13 23:31:31

I just don't get why you didn't look for some work for yourself while he was at home, even if only temporary work. It seems as if you've simply gone 'well why should I' and that's that.

Your bookkeeping work - could you not have asked your partner to keep an eye on your child while you did that in the daytime? Then you could have either relaxed in the evening, or done bar work, or more bookkeeping work.

I'd have gone bonkers sat at home with my husband and child all day every day but with no money coming in.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Wed 09-Jan-13 23:48:25

It's funny how many threads come back to the old chestnut of "how many hours working do you both have? / how many hours leisure do you both have?"

There's only one fair formula there, and it's to keep both figures broadly equal. Sure, there's wiggle room when one of you works heavy manual labour, or is breastfeeding a wakeful baby throughout the night. But most of the time, you should no be pulling a similar amount of weight work-wise and enjoying similar amounts of downtime.

For two years, he has been sittingon his arse fooling himself that he's too special to jobhunt, while you have raised and cared for your DD, jobhunted for him, and worked in the evenings.

Come on, now. You know that's not a fair split. You've let yourself be a mug. Why, for heaven's sake?

How can you respect a partner that's so deluded they don't think they need to work? Who you can't trust to mind his own child?

Does it not just eat away at the love and respect you ought to feel for your life partner?

Cabrinha Thu 10-Jan-13 00:28:44

Oh spare us the "you don't know what it's like to be told you're unlikely to have children" line.
You know what? My first child: IVF. My second child: doesn't exist. Cos, y'know - cant afford another.
It's harsh, but them's the breaks.
I actually have a lot of sympathy for prioritizing children (long term happiness) over short term issue. Low income? Go for it, you'll manage. But NO income? (£200 really doesn't cut it).
You should have resolved this before TTC.
And the line about fertility... This wasn't your first child, you'd been lucky once. Just because you've had trouble conceiving, gives you no more right to ignore practicalities than anyone else.

flow4 Thu 10-Jan-13 01:18:00

OK, I haven't read the entire thread, but from what I have read, I'm perhaps going to go against the grain here...

OP, you have my sympathy. I was in a similar situation with my Ex - or rather, his position was similar to your DP's though my own was different to yours, because I was the main earner as well as the main home-maker...

I think people under-estimate how difficult it is to live with someone as depressed and inert as your DP sounds. Like yours, mine wouldn't get a job, and was convinced he 'deserved' something great, but wouldn't do anything to make it happen. He signed on, but then even that became 'too difficult' so he signed off. He loved the children, and minded them while I was at work; but he just watched films and played music and went for walks, and I often came home to hungry kids as well as a trashed house. sad

Eventually, it all became too much for me. I had one lot of counselling, then another, and was prescribed anti-ds. With hindsight, although it sounds odd to say it, I think that kind of depression is almost infectious: if you live with someone who is seriously depressed, it can also drain the energy from you. I can easily see how you have got into a situation where you have become passive and helpless too...

You need to break the cycle, for your DCs' sake, as well as your own. If you don't, I think your situation will continue to spiral downwards. I split up from my Ex, but he is still depressed, and (8 years on) has just got his first bit of part-time work in almost 20 years. He has become a heavy dope smoker as well as a drinker. Like your DP, he had an inheritance - around £100K - which he blew - it is all gone. shock

I think there are several ways you can 'break out' of this. You could get a job. Or get counselling. Or start some studying. Or move house. Or make a resolution to do something new. Or yes, you could leave him.

(Oh and BTW, leaving him does not mean you have to 'take the kids away from him'. My Ex and I have stayed living very close to each other - about a third of a mile apart - because this means he and DS2 (not so much DS1) can keep up their very close relationship. I found it very difficult at first (bumping into each other in the local shops, for instance), but it has become easier over time).

IMO it does not matter what you do at first; it matters that you do something. Once you have broken the pattern of helpless inertia, things will start to move and improve again for you. Betcha! smile

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