to expect friends i see regularly & 'god parents' to send bday cards for my 5yo...

(96 Posts)
driedapricots Sun 06-Jan-13 20:29:36

...& not wait until the next time they see t
her, which is often weeks after the Big day...or worse still simply forget altogether...the bday is just after new year & only a small number remember & it seems to get less every year..many have dc born in the same year who she plays with regularly too. now shes getting older Dd realises who hasnt sent too & asks Why they havent..sad

CloudsAndTrees Sun 06-Jan-13 20:32:05

God parents yes, friends no. Unless you have invited them for a party.

ginmakesitallok Sun 06-Jan-13 20:32:15

YABU to expect your friends to send cards, but I would have thought god-parents should? Mine only get cards from family and friends who they invite to parties. I don't send cards to friend's children and don't know anyone else who does?

JoinTheDots Sun 06-Jan-13 20:32:26

It's not ideal, but can you tell her that the reason they have not sent a card is because they want to see her open it, so they are waiting until the next time they see her to give a card / gift? At least then she will not feel hurt, even if you do.

SarahStratton Sun 06-Jan-13 20:34:20

It would be nice if they sent them, but there's no obligation to do so. You've put 'god parents', rather than Godparents, are they actual Godparents?

dexter73 Sun 06-Jan-13 20:34:23

I don't send cards to friends children either. God parents should do though.

StepfordWannabe Sun 06-Jan-13 20:35:47

Oh grow up ffs

parakeet Sun 06-Jan-13 20:36:04

YABU. Do you really think your child is the centre of the world?

SarahStratton Sun 06-Jan-13 20:36:26

No need for rudeness.

Roseformeplease Sun 06-Jan-13 20:36:38

YABU. We only give to friends' children if we happen to be seeing them on the day and never send cards. Good heavens! I have about 12 cousins and so 23 children plus at least 20 families we are good friends with so a further 40+ children - how the hell can we all keep up with that. You are very lucky they think of or remember her. Godparents and close family, that's different but, even then, they can't always get the exact day or date. Relax. It is not a birthday and it is YOUR responsibility to make it special, not anyone else's.

Jinsei Sun 06-Jan-13 20:38:28

Yes to godparents but no to friends - it's nice if they do something for your dd's birthday but you shouldn't expect it.

I didn't post my goddaughter's card to her in time for her birthday, but gave it to her a week later at her "party". I'm assuming you wouldn't have a problem with this? (Goddaughter was only 1 so don't suppose she was bothered either way grin)

MajesticWhine Sun 06-Jan-13 20:39:39

YABU. Perhaps they have other things going on in their lives.

Jinsei Sun 06-Jan-13 20:41:03

BTW, I find it a bit odd that your dd is asking why people haven't sent her anything. I can't imagine my dd asking anything like this. Where did her expectations come from?

Nancy66 Sun 06-Jan-13 20:41:18

I don't send cards to friend's kids. I have already got enough relatives to remember, if I did friend's kids too I'd be sending cards every bloody day.

ILoveTIFFANY Sun 06-Jan-13 20:41:32

Do you see them in church every Sunday

I dont send cards to friends kids and my two dont have godparents. They get cards from children going to their party and family (grans, aunts, etc) so I wouldnt expect them from anyone else

pictish Sun 06-Jan-13 20:43:31

Yabu. I don't send my friend's kids cards.

SarahStratton Sun 06-Jan-13 20:46:29

is this going to be another post and run? I want to know if they're proper God parents or not.

Binkybix Sun 06-Jan-13 20:46:35

I find it surprising that you expect this. YABU.

KellyElly Sun 06-Jan-13 20:49:57

Godparents and close family yes, friends no.

Stepford and parakeet do you make a habit of coming on a thread just to be a rude twat or are you having a bad day?

Kendodd Sun 06-Jan-13 20:50:40

YABU. But, I do understand.

My children only have one uncle (DHs brother) and he has never sent any of my children a birthday card. He's married (no children) and lives abroad but we all see him at least once a year. We always send him a birthday card and it does make me quite sad that he never ever sends one to the DCs especially seeing they don't have any other aunts or uncles to get cards from. But, what can you do?

driedapricots Sun 06-Jan-13 20:51:55

Im talking about long term friends of mine, who we see regularly & whose dc my dc have played with since birth..not random mates..these are her friend! actually, no i dont Think i need to grow up FFS.. its only a question angry ...& no the world does not revolve around my dc, but i do Think bdays are magical times for little ones, 1 day a year when the world actually should revolve around them a little bit..indeed i always send said friends dc cards..its not really that much trouble.

driedapricots Sun 06-Jan-13 20:53:51

oh & by 'god parents' i mean the 2 people we picked to be 'special' at the naming ceremony we had. we are not religious.

Jinsei Sun 06-Jan-13 20:54:51

If they are just friends and not formal godparents, then yabu, and a bit precious, no matter how close or longstanding the friends are.

Cabrinha Sun 06-Jan-13 20:54:51

Are they otherwise fulfilling the role they committed to as godparents?

ILoveTIFFANY Sun 06-Jan-13 20:55:57

So why use the word 'godparents'?

Maybe they are trying to 'back off' a bit?

SarahStratton Sun 06-Jan-13 20:57:09

Then sorry, no.

Actual obligated God parents yes, anyone else, no. And it is concerning that your DD not only notices, but queries it too, that's very entitled behaviour from a child who at that age I wouldn't expect to realise that A and B haven't given her a card.

If you have a tradition of sending their dcs cards then of course they should reciprocate. However sometimes people are just a bit crap I'm afraid. I think your dd might lose out because her birthday is right after Christmas? It's a busy time and people aren't as on the ball as they are at other times. You could try and pre-empt it next year by dropping birthday plans in to conversation. A facebook status 'driedapricots has just bought her soon to be 6 yr olds birthday present' should be enough of a reminder. Bit passive agrressive grin but if it is just an oversight it would deal with it.

Smudging Sun 06-Jan-13 20:59:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smudging Sun 06-Jan-13 21:00:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kendodd Sun 06-Jan-13 21:00:58

My DCs haven't said anything about their uncle never sending a card. I don't think they've noticed.

whois Sun 06-Jan-13 21:02:00

God parents yes, friends no.

You sound a bit precious snowflake cupcake expecting friends to have your dd at the centre of their universe.

ILoveTIFFANY Sun 06-Jan-13 21:02:14

How on earth will you make your child the centre of your universe when her birthday falls on a schoolday?

driedapricots Sun 06-Jan-13 21:02:19

hence 'these' bcos not sure what else to call them..seriously i do find some responses baffling..Why would they 'back off'..we see & talk regularly, no issues there at all! i wonder, have any of you bdays close to xmas? did U ever feel your special day got lost amongst the festivities..?

Jinsei Sun 06-Jan-13 21:03:21

But I don't think they should necessarily reciprocate just because the OP sends to their kids. Maybe they're deliberately not sending anything in the hope that the OP will stop as well. It can be quite difficult to keep up that sort of thing if you have a big family and a wide circle of friends, and I would want to discourage it tbh. Birthdays are magical occasions for kids, of course, but immediate family can do more than enough to make it special.

MissingInAct Sun 06-Jan-13 21:06:44

I would never send a card in these circumstances, ie wo a party or something like this. In our house, the only cards the dcs receive are the ones from close family members.
My very close friends would not send a card for my dcs (and nor would I do it for theirs either) mainly because they are my friends and not my dcs tbh.

God parents are a bit different. For me they are more like family but then again if my own god parents are to take as an example, I have never received a card or a present from them (different reasons) as a child either. If my dcs had a god parent, I wouldn't expect it either. If they did, that would be a bonus.

ILoveTIFFANY Sun 06-Jan-13 21:07:18

They may be 'backing off' because you sound quite intense about a birthday!!

We have one good friend who has always sent our dds cards and gifts and we do hers. If I suddenly stopped without discussion I think she would be narked, as I would if she stopped. It's nice to do so anyway. My understanding is that the OP is not expecting all her friends to do this but that she has a circle of friends who have in the past and now this year have not?

MissingInAct Sun 06-Jan-13 21:10:15

dried yes my mum has her b'day a day before christmas. Yes her b'day sort of disappears.
Yes we rarely do anything special on that day. Too busy running around and trying to organize christmas. Trying to get to the place where we will spend christmas (and of course, now with the dcs I am not always there for her b'day either).

It can look crap but that's life and one reason why I carefully avoided having a due date in december/january

ILoveTIFFANY Sun 06-Jan-13 21:10:32

Well we are all tightening our belts and life is busier than ever....

SarahStratton Sun 06-Jan-13 21:10:39

It's nor their job to make your child's birthday special. It's not their job to ensure your PFB doesn't feel piqued because their birthday falls near Christmas or New Year or any other particular day.

it is, however, your job to not bring up a spoilt, entitled child.

So, not god parents, they just had special roles at her naming ceremony.

And their friends kids have clearly not been invited to any party, so yabu in expecting presents.

driedapricots Sun 06-Jan-13 21:12:08

i have 2 dc. Dd has received cards in the past from said people. we exchange xmas cards with people we rarely am sure many people do. i personally would feel a right meanie not sending cards to these friends' dc..& dd is 5..shes just learning what friends do/dont do bday party this year bcos i am NOT a precious mother who indulges in showy parties every year believe it or not (im too busy writing cards for all the worlds children!!)

shallweshop Sun 06-Jan-13 21:12:38

Bloody hell, there are some really angry, rude, intolerant people on here! OP, I think it is reasonable to expect God parents to send cards but not friends. In my experience, I have found that friends sent cards for the first few years for my DC and then they tailed off.

Unless these "god parents" have some special ungodly role teaching your child agnosticism or atheism there is no need to give them any title at all, as they dont really have a role?

It actually get on my tits when people annex religious roles, and apply them to absolutely nothing at all.


ILoveTIFFANY Sun 06-Jan-13 21:16:46

Well that's what's happening here.... It's tailing off.... Shes 5 now

SarahStratton Sun 06-Jan-13 21:19:08

You are still BU though. You would be better to teach your DC that they are neither entitled to cards or anything else from anyone.

Both my DDs are Christened and Confirmed, of all their God parents only one is still in touch and bothers with birthdays and Christmases. I have ditched one of my Godchildren purely because his parents were so unrelentingly obsessed with my performance as a Godparent, they drove me potty.

StepfordWannabe Sun 06-Jan-13 21:22:17

Not having a bad day at all - birthday preciousness gets on my wick. It is the parents' job to make children feel special on their birthday (my dd has hers just before Christmas btw) but NOONE else's. I reiterate and stand by my original comment of "grow up ffs'

Floggingmolly Sun 06-Jan-13 21:51:30

What role do god parents play in a non religious naming ceremony? Genuine question.

Paiviaso Sun 06-Jan-13 22:06:37

YABU. You should not expect your adult friends to send birthday cards to your children.

driedapricots Sun 06-Jan-13 22:16:36

ok. we are not religious but wanted to mark our dc arrival with a ceremony & thought it would be nice to give our special friends a role in our dc life ...a bit like having a best man/bridesmaid at a non religious wedding. friends mean a lot to us... however i will take the consensus view & realise it is too much to expect close friends to give a s**t about bdays in the same way i might. for the record i stand by the comment i dont need to grow up & its only a question...Im not making judgements or being self righteous... like some of the responses here seem to be...but hey, i guess thats the nature of some mumsnetters. thanks ladies

ILoveTIFFANY Sun 06-Jan-13 22:18:40

But your 'special friends' don't seem to want a role in your dc life like you want them to!

driedapricots Sun 06-Jan-13 22:19:51

oh & ps..its not about the adults..their dc are my dc longest friends..its actually about teaching dc how to be a good friend..nothing to do with we not teach our children that when its their friend' bdays its nice to send a card?? angry

scarletforya Sun 06-Jan-13 22:20:49

Ha! i'm afraid you are in for a world of disappointment to expect any fuss for a Christmas birthday. I have a Christmas birthday myself so I wouldn't recommend you build up her expectations too much. Friends don't usually give cards. maybe God parents.

EuroShagmore Sun 06-Jan-13 22:24:12

YABU. Your friends are not her friends, really. If a god parent has stood up in church (or equivalent) and made a commitment to the child, then I think it is reasonable to expect them to remember birthdays, but not otherwise.

Flossiecombover Sun 06-Jan-13 22:34:31

Yanbu!I am godmother to two lovely children and would always make a fuss on their birthday.I have a special role in their lives and take that seriously.I would also be annoyed if my children's birthdays were forgotten or 'overlooked'-ds1 celebrates his birthday on Christmas Eve and I actually think its pretty shitty that close family sometimes forget or are 'too busy'.That's not spoiling them-its their birthday ffs.I just couldn't do that to a child.

CaHoHoHootz Sun 06-Jan-13 22:53:06

OP, please ignore all the spikey posters. There seems to be a lot of crabby MN'ers about at the moment. hmm (obviously lots of lovely ones too grin )

I still think YABU blush. Cards and presents from family and people invited to parties, other than that and it all gets a bit over the top. Your DD will only care about it if you care about it.

DonderandBlitzen Sun 06-Jan-13 23:04:24

I would only expect a card and present from people I had invited to my child's party.

driedapricots Sun 06-Jan-13 23:06:24

ive not said anything to dd about it, i was simply a bit bored this evening, pondering & thought id throw it out there..thank you flossie

driedapricots Sun 06-Jan-13 23:07:18

there was no party!!

elleephant Sun 06-Jan-13 23:07:23

I have to say I am always surprised that people place such importance on a card? They're seriously over priced and end up in a bin unless of particular sentimental value.

I think my very long standing friends remembered my first dc birthday, and I was surprised and touched, but we haven't received any since. I took it as a gesture to me and an ackowledgement of big an event a first child is.

I don't think it's normal or to be expected that even v close friends would remember your dc birthdays. They're your friends not your dc's and it's difficult enough to keep track of essentials birthdays never mind lots of other people's dc's.

Bit surprised your dc has noticed tbh. Maybe you're making too much fuss about it? A good birthday shouldn't depend on cards! Esp from your mum's friends ;)

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 06-Jan-13 23:10:45

Poor op is getting some really harsh responses here! Yanbu op to expect close friends and especially godparents to give a card and present from godparents!

Can you talk to them?

DonderandBlitzen Sun 06-Jan-13 23:11:28

I know.

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 06-Jan-13 23:12:30

Please don't take that consensus op, don't stop feeling the way you do based on some spikey posters!

BackforGood Sun 06-Jan-13 23:17:53

Ignore the rude people OP,


I agree with those who say YABU to expect your friends to send her cards for her birthday. What seems exciting when the first child is born, can become unmanagable once all of your friends and similar age relatives have 2 or 3 children each.

GodParents - or those taking an 'equivalent role' are different though - they agreed to be a "special person" in your dc's life, so, in their case YANBU. They should definitely be making a point of remembering her birthday.

Do you think bridesmaids give birthday presents to the bride for the foreseeable because she was a bridesmaid?

[shakes head bewildered].

Nanny0gg Mon 07-Jan-13 10:28:59


Some of you really need to calm down a bit. You can disagree without being quite so harsh!

strumpetpumpkin Mon 07-Jan-13 10:30:49

i dont send cards to my friends kids unless weve been invited to the birthday party

cory Mon 07-Jan-13 10:47:06

I totally agree that children's birthdays should be magical. And know from experience that there is no surer way of taking the magic out of magical days than filling them with expectations that might not be fulfilled.

My own mother was an expert at this in her younger days- rushed from the table in tears at dh's birthday party once because the napkins were only paper and apparently you need proper linen napkins for the true magical experience. When speaking to her about the occasion a few years later, it transpired that she had forgotten that we had provided a 3 course dinner and some rather nice presents: she just remembered it as something that had failed to live up to expectation though she couldn't remember quite what had gone wrong- it was those bloody napkins. Dh didn't care one way or another, but had some of the shine taken off his birthday by his MILs reaction.

If you teach your dd that her birthday is less magical because of something that didn't materialise, instead of helping her to focus on the magic that did happen, then all the magic will be gone. Magic is teaching someone to see.

MissingInAct Mon 07-Jan-13 10:57:25

Applaud cory.
Very very well said and thoughtful

Haroldbishop Mon 07-Jan-13 11:04:14

God parents should send cards.

I don't send cards to my friends' kids - it's enough to remember to send cards to my friends let alone their kids.

KellyElly Mon 07-Jan-13 11:14:52

Do you think bridesmaids give birthday presents to the bride for the foreseeable because she was a bridesmaid? Eh? How does that compare to a godparent.

KellyElly Mon 07-Jan-13 11:28:06

Here's something from Wikipedia. A godparent, in many denominations of Christianity, is someone who sponsors a child's baptism. Today, the word godparent might not have explicitly religious overtones. The modern view of a godparent tends to be an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child's upbringing and personal development.

I think many people don't see godparents in a religious way any more but as a special adult in their lives - hence the naming ceremony the OP talks about. This is still a a commitment to take and interest and be a part of their lives and that to me includes marking their birthdays otherwise why agree to take on the role in name only.

driedapricots Mon 07-Jan-13 18:21:59

just to clarify to some of you, clearly so on your high horse you are not understanding my frustrations..or maybe ive not been clear..these are friends who ive known a v long time, we had dc together, our dc are friends who play regularly..i would have thought a card from the friends dc to my dd would be a done has been in prev years..i get that people are busy but Im disappointed. i have not said anything to dd, she had a fab bday Thx..she just asked if xxx had sent a card as other little friends of hers had sent cards...thats all angry envy wine wine wine

driedapricots Mon 07-Jan-13 18:42:27

oh & pure yes actually i would expect to swap cards with my bridesmaids for the forseeable as i chose v gd friends & work hard to keep my friendships strong..spose that's a bit odd to some people eh..

SarahStratton Mon 07-Jan-13 19:13:01

i would have thought a card from the friends dc to my dd would be a done has been in prev years

No, it's not. There's no law to say you have to give cards. I don't send Christmas cards, anyone who gets upset at that is being a tad petty imo.

Butkin Mon 07-Jan-13 19:18:04

DD has never received cards from anybody other then family or children she's invited to a party. We wouldn't consider sending cards to the children of our friends no matter how well we know them.

I am a little disappointed that one of her godparents doesn't send her a birthday card but we know things move on.

Floggingmolly Mon 07-Jan-13 19:22:53

In the absence of a party invitation; did any of them even remember it was her birthday? How come you see not having a birthday party as evidence of your "non preciousness", but still expect others to remember the date in the middle of their Christmas celebrations?
At this time of year, a friends child's birthday has pretty low significance, sorry.

CheCazzo Mon 07-Jan-13 19:41:25

Cards. £3 minimum to buy and send one (unless it's a Lidl card which I suspect the OP would scorn!) - I'd rather add the card money to the cost of a gift. The card just goes in the bin anyway.

elizaregina Mon 07-Jan-13 20:01:43

I feel sorry for your DD op - its a tough time of year to have a bday.
However your just going to have to concentrate your efforts on getting her past the cards etc...
If you make the effort then it would be nice for them to reciporcate - but they arnt.
FWIW when I asked my godparents to be godparents I did actually specifcally say - please please dont feel obliged to get her presents for bday and xmas or anything....I didnt want them to suddenly feel they were on this big treadmill of having to get stuff.
one GP has given gifts, of the other two its more patchy.

More than the gifts though I focus more on do they make a fuss of her when they see her - spend quality time with her....

MrsDeVere Mon 07-Jan-13 20:09:39

There have been a few of these threads around.
Sorry OP but I think YABU.

The only people I would feel hmm towards for missing a birthday are my family. If a card got here late it wouldn't bother me. If they forgot altogether I would be miffed. We are not a huge family.

But to be annoyed that friends do not deliver cards on the day is a bit precious in my opinion.

But it obviously upsets some people judging by previous threads. So each to their own I suppose.

drownangels Mon 07-Jan-13 20:27:15

The only time I have sent a child a birthday card including my closest friends children, my god children and nephews and nieces is when my children have been to their parties or it was a significant birthday like an eighteenth.

My friends have been the same with mine. No problems!

SantasENormaSnob Mon 07-Jan-13 20:33:22



EuphemiaLennox Mon 07-Jan-13 20:55:58

You wouldn't want to be my friend.

I never send friends children cards or even my godchildren cards.

I don't send my friends birthday cards.

I don't send my dearest oldest friend who was my bridesmaid a card or her child who is my god daughter.

I don't send Christmas cards either.

I tried to be all organised one year and put stickers on the calendar and bought a box and filled it with cards in advance, but Christ it was still a monumental pain in the arse. When I remembered to write the cards and buy stamps I'd still drive around for weeks with the blasted cards in the dashboard forgetting to post them. It was just another layer of stress in my life which I decided really wasn't important so I ditched it.

I buy my god children a gift every time I see them, (about 3 times a year) and I have many close long lasting friendships that do not appear to have been negatively impacted by my crapness with card sending.

I put huge effort into my friendships. I dont send cards but they could call me in the middle of the night and I'd be there.

So I guess I'd have to say YABU.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 07-Jan-13 21:24:58

OP... Why do you expect cards from friends for your DC but you're not even given them a birthday party? Now that baffles me, given that you've said birthdays should be magical for little ones? confused

I agree with the posters who abhor the mis-labelling of 'Godparent'; that is a very specific role, which seems to have been 'hoiked' into non-religious use for mere celebratory emphasis. Not right at all.

shallweshop Mon 07-Jan-13 21:45:34

Driedapricots - bet you wished you hadn't bloody asked now!! Think you have had some very harsh replies to a fairly innocent question.

"yes actually i would expect to swap cards with my bridesmaids for the forseeable as i chose v gd friends & work hard to keep my friendships strong"

So you are swapping cards on account of being good friends, not because they performed some duty, had a role at your wedding then?

You just proved my point!

driedapricots Tue 08-Jan-13 09:56:26

we have a party planned for feb as throwing a party over xmas is pointless bcos everyone is busy!! (hence they forgot the cards!!!!!) YES, I really do wish i didn't ask now...over and out!!

blonderthanred Tue 08-Jan-13 09:56:40

People get very funny about Godparents on here.

There's nothing odd about assigning certain people to be 'moral guardians' or even just to have a special relationship with your children, it doesn't have to be religious. I am one to my friend's DTs, she used the term Guideparent and I would always get the children a card & present for birthdays & Xmas.

Saying that there are a couple of other people I am close friends with whose children I would also send bday wishes too. I don't think you are being unreasonable but you might have to do some groundwork for next time & invite the not-god-parents round for tea either before or on the day 'as dd would love to see you for her bday'.

samandi Tue 08-Jan-13 09:58:12

I wouldn't send birthday cards to my friends' children confused That's ridiculous.

samandi Tue 08-Jan-13 09:58:35

I mean it's ridiculous to be expected to, not to send cards if you want.

RingoBaa Tue 08-Jan-13 10:10:13

But that makes you as bad, no?

If you are waiting later for the party, how is it unreasonable for them to wait until they see you daughter to give her a card or present?

So, where you then actually expecting two sets of presents and cards? One on their birthday, and one on the party? Or did you expect these "god parents" to turn up empty handed on your dds actual birthday? confused

Or is this a fab way of ensuring you maximize on presents? Christmas presents, birthday presents on the day to ensure it is magical, and more presents on the party as nobody could turn up empty handed on a childs birthday?

You are coming across very odd.

grovel Tue 08-Jan-13 10:26:59

My Mum kept a list of her godchildren / other children she knew well. They all got a present on my Mum's birthday (generally money / a token), not on their birthday. The kids loved it (always a surprise) and Mum only had to organise herself twice a year (Christmas / her birthday). Mind you, she and my Dad had 15 godchildren between them and 20+ nephews and nieces.

Jins Tue 08-Jan-13 10:28:07

Every time I see a thread like this it makes me wonder who I've upset

Floggingmolly Tue 08-Jan-13 10:36:05

no birthday party this year because I am NOT a precious mother who indulges in showy parties every year
But you are having one, just two months after the actual birthday?
You are both odd and ridiculous.

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