to think DH is wrong to be irritated with me

(78 Posts)
grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 21:41:51

My brother is in his final year at university and is currently applying for graduate schemes/jobs. He's been rejected from quite a few but is still in contention for some. I was talking to him today and he is really worried about being not getting a job, he seems to think he's going to end up homeless and that "the world doesn't need him and the world doesn't want him". Its obvious that he isn't sleeping very well and he looks dreadful.

Anyway I told him not to worry because if he graduates and can't find work then he can always stay with me (our parents are a no go in this regard) and that he's my little brothers and there's no way I'd abandon him etc. After he left DH has had a massive go at me for as he must have overheard the conversation saying that I have no right to start making agreements to let anyone come and stay in our home without consulting him and that I was "totally wrong" to make cast-iron promises about future support and obligations that he may have to contribute towards without asking him and now he's gone off to his study sulking.

MagicHouse Sat 05-Jan-13 21:45:47

I can understand that you want to support your brother, but I agree with your dh, that would have annoyed me too. Offering your home indefinitely is a massive commitment, that definitely needs thinking about, and of course you would need to talk it through with your dh first since it's his home too.

cocoachannel Sat 05-Jan-13 21:48:58

I adore my little sister and would want to do the same in your situation, but would absolutely discuss it privately with DH first. I'd be upset if he offered the same to his brother with our asking me even though he must know I would have no problem with it.

On that basis I'm afraid YABU. Best of luck to your brother - so hard out there.

emsyj Sat 05-Jan-13 21:49:39

I would unhesitatingly offer a home to my DSis if she needed it, and I would not ask DH's permission first. Nor would he expect me to. In the past we have had his best friend live with us for a short period (only about 6 weeks in the end, but he was welcome to stay as long as he liked) because he was relocating and couldn't afford a place straight away. DH also lent him a few hundred quid (which he returned when he could afford to) to keep him going. DH didn't ask for my permission first and I would never expect him to.

People are different though. I like that DH and I are both happy to offer help to others, and we are fortunate that we can afford to do so without it being an issue. Maybe if we were skint it would be different, I don't know. But your brother is family, so IMO you should be able to offer him a home if he needs one.

RobotLover68 Sat 05-Jan-13 21:49:47

YANBU - I would run it past my DH out of courtesy but I already know he'd say "yes" good luck to your brother

HugoDarling Sat 05-Jan-13 21:50:27

I can understand where your DH is coming from completely, but it sounds as though he's overreacted.

TameGaloot Sat 05-Jan-13 21:50:59

I on the other hand don't think you're unreasonable.
I wouldn't want to be married to the kind of man who refused my brother help when he most needed it, neither would I ever prevent my dh from helping his sisters in horrible situations.

whathasthecatdonenow Sat 05-Jan-13 21:53:02

I don't think YABU, the statements your brother were making are quite worrying - *"the world doesn't need him and the world doesn't want him"*- can you get him to see a doctor?

WhySoSirius Sat 05-Jan-13 21:53:02

YANBU at all.
It's your home too and you have the right to extend an invite to someone in need. Your brother staying isn't a massive thing at all. It would be different if it was several people. I can understand why your DH would be a bit put out but he should be adult enough and caring enough to understand

CaptainVonTrapp Sat 05-Jan-13 21:53:26

I would def ask first and I would expect a 'yes'.

And I would also expect the same courtesy if it was the other way round. It's not asking permission (I don't need that its my house too), its manners.

whathasthecatdonenow Sat 05-Jan-13 21:53:34

I don't think YABU, the statements your brother made are quite worrying - *"the world doesn't need him and the world doesn't want him"*- can you get him to see a doctor?

ilovesooty Sat 05-Jan-13 21:53:51

I think your husband is right to feel that you should discuss it with him first, though in your position I'd be disappointed if he didn't offer support.

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 21:54:34

whathasthecatdonenow- I told him that I think he should but I doubt he will and I am very worried about him to tell the truth.

whathasthecatdonenow Sat 05-Jan-13 21:54:40

Sorry for double post with strange additions, cat on keyboard moment.

cocoachannel Sat 05-Jan-13 21:55:07

Funny isn't it how different relationships work. My husband would never refuse my sister (or indeed any of our family/friends - we have had a friend staying with us on and off whilst he deals with some issues) but I would still want to talk to him about it first.

Does your DH have a strong relationship with your brother OP, or any reason not to want him to stay?

bedmonster Sat 05-Jan-13 21:57:20

I would be very cautious about offering someone a bed indefinitely. We had a family member staying at ours 'indefinitely', turned out to be 4 months. We don't have a spare room so he was just crashing on our sofa. It had massive knock on effects for us, we have 3 DC, youngest was a tiny baby at the time, and we were worried about keeping him up with a noisy baby, we couldn't have private time in the evenings, we had to cook for an extra person etc. We ended up just living in our bedroom in the evenings just so we could chill out in peace (he's the kind of person who's always up for a chat but unfortunately is very opinionated so what he says is gospel and what anyone else says isnt worth hearing). Our house was full of his stuff, and always looked a bit of a mess. We felt stifled in our own home.
If you have the space and set some ground rules then there's no reason it couldn't work, but I do think you were being cheeky to offer the possibilty without talking to your DH first - the impications of your brother living with you will untimately affect him too.

Fairylea Sat 05-Jan-13 21:57:45

I can understand you wanting to be there for your brother but if I was your dh I'd be really annoyed you didn't discuss your idea of him living with us. Feels a bit like you've made the decision anyway regardless of your dh.

whathasthecatdonenow Sat 05-Jan-13 21:58:48

I think it is really important that your brother knows that you are there for him when he is feeling so low.

timidviper Sat 05-Jan-13 22:00:04

Agree you should have discussed it with your DH first.

Please reassure your DB though that his situation is not unusual. My DS got a 2:1 from a top uni but had no job offer when he left uni, he and a friend set up and ran a small business online for a year to gain experience while they applied for grad schemes/jobs. They both felt this, rather than their uni experience and degrees was what got them in. Most people on my son's grad scheme did not go in straight from university.

I would be more worried about him sounding depressed tbh

GotMyGoat Sat 05-Jan-13 22:00:31

I think you need to say to your DH that you said it in response to your brother worrying about being homeless.

I think you should be talking to dh if you are offering your home in any other situation, but i can understand why you would rush to say this -because of course your DH isn't going to let your brother sleep on the street.

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Jan-13 22:01:00

You're very lovely to look out for your brother and he's lucky to have you as a big sister, but your DH is right, you have no right to choose who he lives with without asking what he thinks of it first.

I can imagine you just said it off the cuff without thinking to make your DB feel better, if you've noticed a lot that he's looking like shit, that sounds like he's struggling and needs a bit of care.

Even if he is struggling, your DB is an adult now and if you want to help you have to try and enable him to help himself, rather than try to solve all his problems for him.

It's nice to know you have somewhere to fall back on when times get bad, but you don't want him to give up and take the easy option of a bit of pampering from his big sister.

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 22:01:01

cocoachannel- They don't have a particularly strong relationship but they don't have a bad or fractious one either IYKWIM.

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Jan-13 22:03:51

Do you think he's struggling and need to see a doctor about it, or is it just him venting and the looking like shite/tired is just run of the mill being a teenager loose on the town?

Seeing the end of a course coming to the end must be incredibly stressful if you're not sure of your direction afterwards.

Has he talked to any of the university people who deal with end of course angst?

JessicaMLH Sat 05-Jan-13 22:06:46

YANBU - as far as me and my OH are concerned family is family, I wouldn't expect him to ask me if it were a relative, and vice versa, because the answer would always be yes.

Maybe you could explain to your OH that you couldn't ask him beforehand because your brother was there and you wanted to say something to reassure him, as he looked so down?

Hope it all works out smile

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 22:11:20

AgentZigZag- He has spoken to the careers department at his university but all they seem to tell him is that its tough times etc.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 05-Jan-13 22:13:55

I think, in general, it's a good idea to discuss it with your other half. However if my brother (yes, even my brother who is a GIT) was saying those things I'd do what you did and if my DH said what yours has, I would check he'd heard that part of the conversation and if he had I'd be putting the writing on the wall FOR HIM!!

My ex had a brother who was in a shitty relationship (she was quite violent with it too - very handy with a knife) and he was (well, still is I suppose but I don't see him now!) a nice bloke. One day I got home and found him in our house and his stuff in the spare room - he'd finally escaped left her and rung my (then) DP who had said to come and stay with us - it didn't occur to me for one minute to be annoyed about it and my DP didn't feel the need for my permission to allow his brother to stay with us when he needed help. He needed somewhere to live, we had a spare room <shrug> He lived with us for over a year (his 2 dogs as well), though would have only stayed a short while if I wasn't happy with it.

(I didn't have a mobile in those days so DP had no way of letting me know before I got home - before anyone asks).

thirdfromleft Sat 05-Jan-13 22:14:36

I think we're missing some info...

How much space do you have to put up another guest? Do you have a spare room or is he going to be sleeping in the living room?

Do your DH and DB get along?

In general, giving someone an indefinite invite to someone to live with you is a huge ask. You'd never do it to a flatmate / housemate without asking; why is a spouse less important?

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Jan-13 22:15:38

They've been spouting the same thing for decades I'm sure, times are always tough.

The uncertainty is unnerving though.

ilovesooty Sat 05-Jan-13 22:17:02

That's interesting, grugelite

I work with careers advice within my job and all our volunteers have sessions with me. The ones who are third year university students are all critical of the careers advice at their universities.

Could you suggest he registers with the National Careers Service and books a session with an adviser?

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 22:19:07

ilovesooty- I will certainly suggest it to him.

whathasthecatdonenow Sat 05-Jan-13 22:19:31

Really, the comments are worrying and I think you need to insist as much as possible that he sees a doctor. I'm harping on a theme here, I know, but I have experience of this from both sides (hearing the comments and making them) and they do worry me when you say he hasn't been sleeping and looks terrible too.

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 22:22:57

whathasthecatdonenow- I don't disagree and I did tell him that I think that I think he should speak to someone but I don't think he will do so.

whathasthecatdonenow Sat 05-Jan-13 22:26:23

I understand that grugelite, then I think the only thing you can do is to remain supportive and keep in touch regularly. Sorry that both he and you are experiencing such a difficult time.

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Jan-13 22:29:02

If he hears someone whose opinion he values and who he knows care about him saying they're worried that he's not coping very well, he may listen.

He's going through something lots of people do all the time, nobody is truly secure, but only you can judge whether it's more than this and, knowing him as you do from how he's acted in the past, whether he's able to find a way through and succeed in what he wants to do.

TinyDancingHoofer Sat 05-Jan-13 22:29:40

I think you should have asked your DH first just for consideration. I'd be mad if someone offered my home up even if it was to my most favourite person in the world.

CailinDana Sat 05-Jan-13 22:30:55

My DH used to have a tendency to plan things and make decisions without consulting me first and it really really pissed me off. It was never anything major - things like saying yes to his parents' request to stay a couple of more days - but it made me feel like it wasn't my house at all and that I would just have to put up with whatever arrangements he made, like I'm a child. I went absolutely batshit crazy at him at one point because I was tired and ill and he'd agreed to let his (at the time, very overbearing - they're much better now) parents stay an extra three days and just sprang it on me in their presence so I couldn't say a word. I way way way overreacted, and I apologised later, but really it was the last straw in a huge haystack of straws. He doesn't do it any more.

DH loves and adores my younger sister and I would have her live with us forever if needed, but I would consult DH first. It's just polite - it's his house too and you can't make unilateral decisions. Even if you're absolutely sure he would say yes, that's not the point, feeling like someone who should respect you is running you life behind your back is totally exasperating.

I think your DH overreacted (like I did) but I can completely see where he's coming from.

HelenLynn Sat 05-Jan-13 22:32:35

YANBU. Of course a sibling, especially one that young, shouldn't have to worry about homelessness when you have a home you can share. I wouldn't hesitate to say the same to any of my or DH's siblings, and I'd hope he would offer equally readily; we both bought into this sort of thing when we married each other. There's a big difference between the immediate reassurance of, "don't worry, we won't let you be homeless," and the contingency of, "I'm sure you could always stay with us, although I'll have to talk it through with DH."

It might be different in some circumstances -- if your brother and DH had a tense relationship, for example, or if your brother were looking at homelessness having squandered a lot of second chances -- but you haven't said anything to suggest that anything like this is going on.

strumpetpumpkin Sat 05-Jan-13 22:36:14

YABU to offer anyone to stay without discussing it with the other person who lives there first.

pictish Sat 05-Jan-13 22:37:04

I agree with your dh. That sort of decision is a joint decision. Absofuckinglutely!!

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 22:45:33

I can sort of see where people who think I was being unreasonable are coming from but I felt that I had to say something to try and reassure him and it would be a very cold day in hell before I left my brother to be destitute.

CailinDana Sat 05-Jan-13 22:49:44

Do you think your DH would actually object to him living with you, or was he just annoyed you hadn't said something first?

millanator Sat 05-Jan-13 22:59:28

YANBU your brother sounds to be in a dark place and all you were doing was trying to lift some of the weight off his shoulders. The outlook for 18-25s is possibly the bleakest in many years and you not be much of a sister if you did not offer to help help him in a time of need.

grugelite Sat 05-Jan-13 23:05:01

Cailinana- I didn't think he would but now he has reacted in this manner I'm questioning it a little

Booyhoo Sat 05-Jan-13 23:07:38

you need to consider how you would feel in the reverse situation. and i dont just mean your DH's sibling, i mean if he offered a place in your home to someone he felt close enough to do it for (could be his friend/cousin/friend of an uncles'dog) without asking you first.

tbh i would be very pissed off if i wasn't asked first about someone moving into my home.

KobayashiMaru Sat 05-Jan-13 23:08:50

YABU. You don't offer someone, anyone, to move into your house without speaking to the person you already live with. You just don't. It doesn't mean he would have had a problem with it, but I'm not surprised he's annoyed at you not considering him.

Shelby2010 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:11:59

YANBU, but neither is your DH.

Explain to him that it was an off the cuff remark because you were worried about how down your DB appeared. Presumably your DB still has 6 months or so to get on a graduate scheme or find a more temporary job - it's not as if he's definitely moving in!

tinkertitonk Sat 05-Jan-13 23:13:58

You are being a wonderful sister but a slightly less wonderful wife. You need to do a bit of explaining and apologising to your husband TBH. If he's a reasonable and kind person it won't be hard.

whathasthecatdonenow Sat 05-Jan-13 23:14:02

I think if you have someone you love very much exploring suicidal thoughts in front of you that you do all you can to convince them that they are loved and wanted. Irritating your DH is so far down your list of considerations at that moment in time that it doesn't even register. At least in my world.

wannabedreams Sat 05-Jan-13 23:16:37

Even my brother who is a total idiot and pain in the ass would always have a home here in our tiny house with three kids if he needed it, as would DH sister, it's like THE rules!!!!

I think it was a good thing to reassure your brother as you did, your Dh is probably right to be worried, but summer is a long way off and chances are will have found something by then.
My oldest didn't apply for his graduate position until July after he graduated (graduated in June) and started work in the September, so just because he hasn't had an offer yet doesn't mean there's no hope.
During his final year Ds applied for dozens of jobs and never even got an interview.

TidyDancer Sat 05-Jan-13 23:42:29

I would run this by DP and he would run it by me if either of us found ourselves in your situation.

So yes YABU, but I do totally understand why you said what you did when you did.

I love my BIL to pieces. He's an utter pain in the backside and I fully expect one day I will attempt to kill him for one reason or another, but I would never see him homeless or abandoned. I wouldn't be particularly happy with DP if I came home to find him in the spare room without a word of warning though!

Signet2012 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:51:41

Dp wouldn't be happy but only because my little brother came for 4 weeks and left 4 years later.

mumeeee Sun 06-Jan-13 00:01:18

I would discuss with DH bedore ofering my home to anyone and that includes my siblings. It's not asking permission but as the house is both of ours then it's important to discuss it.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 06-Jan-13 00:09:44

Bloody hell, some of you are weird. Her brother is all but admitting to feeling suicidal and you want her to stop mid conversation to ask her DH if he can stay with them if he has no other option at all?

Grow up.

KobayashiMaru Sun 06-Jan-13 00:32:40

No, just don't offer him a home without checking with others. There are plenty of other things she could have said to help him.

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 06-Jan-13 00:41:09

You did the right thing Op.
Does your Dh understand how concerned you are?

Catchingmockingbirds Sun 06-Jan-13 02:54:58

My DP hates my sister but still wouldn't ever tell me she couldn't stay. Nevertheless, I'd still ask him first. Yabu.

ComposHat Sun 06-Jan-13 03:15:39


How would you feel if your partner offered to put up one of his mates without consulting you? Then when you kicked up a fuss shrugged and said, "a mate's a mate." Then asked you to part fund his mate's food/heating costs.

I think it was a silly and thoughtless thing to do. How difficult would it be to say 'I need to talk it through with my partner' ?

LoopsInHoops Sun 06-Jan-13 03:21:48

Well, I can see why your DH might be annoyed if it's totally out of the blue.

That said, both DH and I have asked our sisters, and a friend each to stay with us when they've needed to. Sisters both stayed (at the same time!) for 6 months, friends for a few months too. Neither had discussed it with the other, knowing full well it would b fine. That said, each of these times was pre-children. I think we'd discuss it more beforehand now.

TheSloppelganger Sun 06-Jan-13 03:56:22

I can't see how the courtesy of asking your DH for his agreement is more important than being able to offer immediate reassurance to a sibling who thinks the "world doesn't need him" and is clearly feeling very worried and depressed about his future. So YANBU.

But, I don't blame your DH for feeling aggravated (especially if he doesn't know how bad your DB is feeling) as it would be supremely irritating to have someone assume you will be fine with something as big as someone else moving into your home (and even if you would be fine with it, it is nice to feel that your opinion is respected) So YABU.


Yamyoid Sun 06-Jan-13 04:25:42

I think you needed to reassure him on the spur of the moment and what you said was right, you couldn't say, hang on, just need to ask Dh first. I think I would have been annoyed too in his position but would soon realise you did the right thing. I hope your db is ok, it is a stressful time.

misterwife Sun 06-Jan-13 07:06:06

Your DH is NBU, by any means, to be annoyed at not having been consulted, but he would be being U to refuse your DB in his hour of need.

I have expressed my disgruntlement with DW for making arrangements without asking me before (although those have been of the kind 'X is coming round for tea tonight, it's all sorted, be on your best behaviour' rather than 'X is staying for a month'). Now we always discuss things first.

Pilgit Sun 06-Jan-13 08:21:40

For us it would be a no brainer - neither of us would expect to ask the other for permission to offer this kind of help to family - it goes without saying in our house that this would be offered. We would discuss ground rules, length of time and logistics but i would be gobsmacked if DH reacted like that.

The comments from your brother would worry me though.

thirdfromleft Sun 06-Jan-13 08:22:47

Chipping - I think there were many ways to reassure him and for the OP to say that he's not alone and that she would support him. Immediately offering an indefinite place to stay was not the only option. (Money/meals/help with job hunting/emotional support/hand holding/etc.)

If he was saying "I've been kicked out and have nowhere to live" it would be a different story.

Tanith Sun 06-Jan-13 10:03:52

Yes, it would have been good to have checked first but I can understand why you didn't and, to my mind, your DH is being a massive pita over this.

I've been there, having to cope with someone's threats of suicide. You just don't have the time or the chance to say "oh, hang on a minute: just need to run that by DH."
That would simply confirm DB's opinion that no-one wants him and the world is better off without him. You did absolutely the right thing by your brother.

When you're clearly worried sick about your brother, your DH is being completely unreasonable throwing a hissy fit and storming off to sulk.

I might expect him to tell me that he felt I should have checked, maybe even to express concern about the idea. I would also expect that he would understand and support me, not add to my worry by starting a row over it.

3smellysocks Sun 06-Jan-13 11:30:25

you should have discussed it with DH first

Whatdoiknowanyway Sun 06-Jan-13 12:30:59

I agree with your DH. You could surely have reassured your brother that he wouldn't be on his own without making immediate commitments to house him. I understand the impulse but its just basic manners to check with your partner first. You've put him in a no win position. If he doesn't consent then he is the bad person who won't offer support. If you'd talked it though first you could have discussed concerns, agreed boundaries and got your husband to buy into the idea. By offering without asking you've shown that he comes second to the rest of your family and indicated pretty clearly that you're going to go ahead whatever he says.
No wonder he's upset.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sun 06-Jan-13 12:36:58


My (reasonable, nice) dh would be furious

ComposHat Sun 06-Jan-13 12:48:02

Exactly Whatdoiknow the op could have done other things to reassure her brother rather than just offering indefinite bed and board.

Did you go to University op? from what you've said, what your brother seems to be going through is normal for third year students, feeling a bit worn down by University and being a bit worried about leaving pretty much all you've ever known (education of some sort) and entering the world of work. It also hits you that loads of people with the same skills/experience will be hitting the job market at the same time as you and will be competing for the same job.

I know you made the offer out of kindness, but maybe isn't doing him a great deal of favours by offering to sweep him up if he doesn't get the graduate job of his dreams. If that doesn't happen, it may be better to get a McJob/sign on and keep sharing with friends (as I assume he is at the moment) and learning to function as an independent adult.

simplesusan Sun 06-Jan-13 12:51:04

I too agree with your dh.

Eeebygum Sun 06-Jan-13 14:27:51

Well, when my mother became homeless, and rang me up for help, I didn't check with DP. When my sister rang, in a right state, asking me to help her as she has nothing to live for etc, I didn't tell her to hang on whilst I checked with DP. Same when DPs brother turned up with his head split open, after his own dad had done it and kicked him out, DP didn't check with me either. Why? Because, when we moved in, we purposely bought a sofa bed so if anything happens with regards to our families and friends, they would have a bed. Or even if someone wanted to sleep over. So, we had already agreed in a round a bout way at the start that we would always help our families out and that we wouldn't see them on the street.

I am surprised that this isn't something that has come up in conversation with the majority. It seems daft. Almost like marrying someone before finding out if they want children IMO.

OP, I think you sound like a lovely and supportive sister, and I hope your OH calms down and doesn't put his foot down over this.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 06-Jan-13 15:09:58

I think there is a huge difference between the emergencies that people are using as examples and the situation that the OP is in.

SirBoobAlot Sun 06-Jan-13 15:19:53

YANBU. You hardly gave him a key and contract, you gave him hope that he wouldn't be homeless if things didn't work out.

Eeebygum Sun 06-Jan-13 15:21:31

I don't agree. The DB isn't in an emergency situation now, granted. But, all the OP has said is if that day comes, then she will help him and he won't be homeless. It isn't like she has moved him in now.

ModernToss Sun 06-Jan-13 15:23:53

You did absolutelythe right thing, and your husband is being both childish and unreasonable.

addictedismoving Sun 06-Jan-13 15:29:06

I currently have a 19yo borother, a 5yo brothier and a 2yo sister (as well as 2 other siblings, but as they have families of their own, its a diffrent situation)

i would without a doubt do exactly what you have just done, and I would know dh would be behind me. I would mention it to him after they had left, but I wouldnt run it by him first because I know I wouldnt need to. He would say yes, no matter what it ment.

I personally think your dh is being very unreasonable and acting very childish

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 06-Jan-13 15:54:49

What I am saying tho is that she has time to ask her DH and if he then says no He IBU

millanator Sun 06-Jan-13 21:19:46

I don't understand why posters seem to think she should of broken him off mid-sentence when he is clearly expressing his feelings to go and ask her husband if it was ok to provide him with some degree of re-assurance. The husband has maorly overreacted considering that there is a good chance this may never happen anyway.

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